Squealer Magazine - Issue 7

SQUEALER

MAGAZINE

THE

KOH SAMUI’S DEFINITIVE TOILET READ

ISSUE 7 / MARCH 2014

Mary’s early attempt at introducing Kindle onto the ward was not as successful as she had first hoped.

INSIDE 01

WELCOME

06

FUNNIES

13

BRAIN ACHE QUIZ

22

MUG SHOTS

24

WORLD NEWS

26

COMEDY GREATS

30

EBAY WEIRDOS

48

JUST THOUGHTS

12 26

30 48

SQUEALER magazine

editors drivel Dear readers, This month we have nothing constructive to say, so here is a picture of a horse wearing a onesie.

Editor Lorraine Clark Design and Web ets.io

Advertising advertising@squealermagazine.com Newsdesk newsdesk@squealermagazine.com And another of a cute puppy…wearing a onesie.

Questions and Contact: Email: info@squealermagazine.com Web: www.squealermagazine.com

Thanks!

Lorraine Clark editor

FUNNIES

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE IN THE WORLD A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that she’s paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies ‘’I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne and I’m staying right here!”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, ‘’I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne and I’m staying right here!”

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that he should probably have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!”

He goes and whispers something in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry I had no idea,” gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and the co-pilot are amazed, and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot said, “I told her first class wasn’t going to Melbourne”.

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Coming”, and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

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BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”. .. I just lost it.”

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

THE FANS (Oldie but Goodie!)

A French football fan, a German football fan and an English football fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were all sentenced to 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for the whipping, the Sheikh announced, “It is my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow you one wish before your whipping.”

The Frenchman was first in line; he thought for a while and then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back”. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, he had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.

The German was next up. After watching the Frenchman’s pain in horror, he said smugly “Please fix two pillows to my back”. But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through and again the German was led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

FUNNIES

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

A FRIEND IN NEED Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

“Sure,” they said.

They started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?” ‘’I’m a hit man,” the man replied.

“You’re joking!” said the other two, surprised.

“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.

“Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said, “Mind if I take a quick look?”

The newcomer nodded, so the man picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.

I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, wow, she’s naked! What the hell? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour, my good friend in there with her . . . Hey! He’s naked too.

Suddenly turning to the hit man, he asked, “How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I do a flat rate, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?” asked the husband.

“Sure, what do you want?” said the hit man.

“My wife has always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he deserves to be shot in the groin!”

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” asked the husband impatiently.

“Just wait a moment, be patient,” said the hit man calmly.

“She’s getting down on her knees. I think I can save you a grand here.”

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything the Sheikh turned to him and said. “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this you may have two wishes”.

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness” The Englishman replied.

“My first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes, but 100 lashes”.

“Not only are you an honourable person, you are also very brave” said the Sheikh with an admiring look on his face.

If a 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?

“Tie the Frenchman to my back”.

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COMEDY FESTIVALS OF THE WORLD SQUEALER GETS OUT AND ABOUT Brisbane Comedy Festival – 25 February to 23 March 2014 – www.brisbanepowerhouse.org

Melbourne International Comedy Festival – 25 February to 23 March 2014 – www.comedyfestival.com.au

New Zealand Old Mout Cider Comedy Gala – 24 April to 27 April 2014 – www.comedyfestival.co.nz

Montreal Just For Laughs Festival – July 9 to July 29 2014 – www.montereal.about.com

Winnipeg Best of 2014 Comedy Festival – 5 April 2014 – www.casinoregina.com

Edinburgh Festival Fringe – 1 August to 25 August 2014 – www.edfringe.com http://youtu.be/jKX9C_awtT8 10

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COMEDY FESTIVALS OF THE WORLD Brighton Comedy Festival – 10 October to 25 October 2014 – www.brightoncomedyfestival.com http://issuu.com/assemblyfestival/docs/brighton_comedy_festival_2013_-_4th

South Beach Comedy Festival – 2 April to 6 April 2014 – www.southbeachcomedyfestival.com

Cape Town Nando’s Comedy Festival – 31 August to 19 September 2014 – www.capetownmagazine.com http://youtu.be/LjIKz4yQR54

Atlanta Laughing Skull Comedy Festival – 26 March to 30 March 2014 – www.laughingdevil.com

Salford Comedy Festival – 17 March to 19 March 2014 – www.bbc.co.uk

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BRAIN ACHE QUIZ SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

1. What was built by inmates taken from Changi Prison Camp?

2. Who wrote ‘The Entertainer’, music made famous by the film, ‘The Sting’?

3. Which biblical event supports the superstition that 13 is an unlucky number?

4. What was the American codename for the development of the atom bomb?

5. What ancient unit of measurement is supposedly the distance from the elbow to the tip of the index finger?

6. Who travelled with Steve Martin in the film Planes, Trains and Automobiles?

7. What term is used to describe the wool cut from around a sheep’s eyes?

8. Name the only boxer to knock out Mohammed Ali 9. Where are the islands of Brechou, Lihou and Jethou?

10. What is the currency of both North and South Korea?

11. Which comedian once said, “A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand”?

12. Which word means to pull faces, a cleaning implement and a mass of hair?

13. To what was Captain Cook referring in 1771 when he wrote: “Most perilous and extraordinary - astonishing and scarcely to be credited.”?

14. What has 43,252,003,274,489,856,000 different patterns?

15. What nationality was the first man to run 100 metres in 10 seconds?

16. Which was the first country to win the Football World Cup in successive tournaments?

17. Which country gave the Herbrides to Scotland in 1266?

18. Which American mammal is known as the ‘washing bear’?

19. Which Pultizer Prize-winning novel by E A Prouz was set in Newfoundland?

20. At what angle above the horizon must the sun be to create a rainbow?

1.

The Burma Railway 2.

Scott Joplin 3.

Thirteen people at the last supper 4.

Manhattan Project 5.

The cubit 6.

John Candy 7. Eyeclip 8.

Larry Holmes in 1983 9.

Channel Islands, UK 10.

The Won 11.

Billy Connolly 12. Mop 13.

Surf Boarding 14.

Rubiks Cube 15.

German (Armin Hary) 16. Italy 17. Norway 18.

Raccoon (It washes it’s food) 19.

The Shipping News 20.

40 Degrees

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ANSWERS

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

HUMOR IN UNIFORM A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, “This is really great shit.”

Worse Punishment?

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft’s sewage holding tank.

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, “I love this shit.”

An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, “My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?”

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: “Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I’m stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?”

Daddy is Going to War - True Story During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my threeyear-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. “No, Daddy, please don’t go!” he kept repeating.

We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, “Let Daddy go and I’ll take you to get a pizza.”

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, “Bye, Daddy.”

Shit: Through the Eyes of the Military An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, “This is shit.”

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, “This is good shit.”

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Time Check On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The pilot replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied “It makes a lot of difference.

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to “Happy Hour”.

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

Stand Out From The Rest

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The Definitive Toilet Read

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Advertise in The Squealer Magazine to really get noticed on the street.’

For more information contact: advertising@squealermagazine.com or phone Lorraine (the one who does most everything in the office) (+66) 089 047 6348 Issuu www.squealermagazine.com 15

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

Samui Holiday

Back in the 1970s the word ‘Samui’ was known only to a few of the most adventurous backpackers eager to explore this little known and tricky to reach island. Then, a basic thatched bungalow with generator power and running water was considered luxury. Nowadays, 5-star resorts, that rival any world-class destination, occupy the prime beachfront and clifftop locations bringing the jetsetter crowd to this now well-known and easily accessible island in the Gulf of Thailand.

Samui is Thailand’s third largest island, yet mea sures just 21 kilometres at its widest point and 25 at its longest. A ring-road runs around the island for approximately 50 kilometres and links the many beaches and bays, so hiring a car or scooter is recommended, as it’s the best way to explore. Don’t be afraid to venture down an unmarked palm-lined track – this is how you come across some of Samui’s best kept secret beaches.

And it’s beaches after all that bring visitors to a tropical island, and those visitors will not be disappointed with Samui’s selection of bays and coves - from long stretches of white sand, to small coves, protected by giant boulders.

Samui’s eastern and northern shores are the

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most populated, and Chaweng is the busiest beach, with hardly a gap along the beachfront between restaurants, resorts and bars. At night, the beach takes off her sundress and glams up with her evening dress, completes with diamond earrings – metaphorically speaking that is. As the sun sets, sun-loungers are replaced with tables set out at the water’s edge. The aroma of sunscreen is replaced by the mouth-watering smells wafting from the open seafood barbecues on the beach. Sunglasses come off, first to view the brilliant sunsets, and later to gaze at the moon over the bay, or the fairy lights and lanterns lighting up the beach and palm trees.

As developed as Samui has become in some areas, what’s good to know is that the island observes a quaint building regulation – no building may be higher than the closest coconut palm. Now while these palms can get quite tall, this is still a far cry from the skyscrapers that line Phuket’s (Thailand’s biggest island) shore, and most resorts are still of the villa or bungalow style. If you’re looking for a slower pace, head west and south and get a feel of what Samui must have been like a few decades ago.

Another beach worth visiting is Choeng Mon at the north-eastern tip of the island. Frequented by expats, this is an ideal family beach, with just enough vendors to be convenient when you’re looking for a snack or drink, but not enough to bother you. South of Chaweng, before Samui’s second largest beach of Lamai, are two small coves, namely Crystal Bay and Coral Cove.

Samui has more to offer visitors and residents than just glorious beaches. Golf enthusiasts will delight in the views on offer from the challenging Santiburi Golf Club, high up in the hills above Maenam. There’re other golfing options available on the island too, including mini golf, and believe it or not, football golf.

There’s a fair selection of adrenalin sports, both on land and in water too.

accommodation-wise. From tiny beach bungalows, with not more than a hammock swinging between two trees, to luxury establishments offering the best of everything as well as all types of rooms in between, you’ll find it on Samui. There’s traditional to contemporary, family-friendly to hip and happening and allinclusive resorts to self-catering establishments too.

One of the best parts of travelling is trying new food.

Whether it’s Thai food you’re after or international cuisine, Samui’s chefs can prepare it for you. Be sure to try a walking street market during your stay too.

Fancy a night out on the town? Well the busier areas such as Chaweng and Lamai are home to a vast selection of night clubs, bars and cabaret shows. But you don’t have to wait until evening to party, with venues such as Nikki Beach on the west coast, and Beach Republic on the east coast, hosting DJs from lunchtime as guests mingle, dine and laze by the beachfront pools.

There’s plenty to see too during your stay, from viewpoints to temples and religious sites and butterfly gardens to Muay Thai boxing matches. There’s so much to see and do, that’s it’s best to make a list of your favourites so you don’t miss out.

Shopaholics won’t be disappointed with the retail therapy on offer. From bargaining at market stands to buying local designer-wear or original souvenirs made on Samui , you’ll find just what you’re looking for. Samui may not have big shopping malls (yet), but that doesn’t mean shopping can’t be fun and rewarding as you wander along the shopping strips set back from the beaches. Of course, you can have a suit tailor-made too in just a day or two. Who would have thought?

Whether you’re planning an action-packed holiday, or

Prefer something a little less energetic? Well Samui has become known as a spa, detox and pampering hub of Southeast Asia.

Whether you’re after a full detox program or just a day of ‘me time’, you’ll find a vast array of spas to choose from. You can’t go wrong with a 300 baht massage on the beach too. a time to unwind with the family, you can find all the Whether you’re a backpacker, a flashpacker or a 5-star- information you require at www.samuiholiday.com. It all-the-way kind of traveller, again, Samui will please will even tell you how to get here …

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HOW TO GET TO SAMUI Fancy the Holiday of a Lifetime?

Koh Samui could be the place for YOU! Why Samui? What makes this tropical island in the Gulf of Thailand so popular, welcoming around one million tourists annually via air and ferry. An overview of this amazing island of coconuts, its beaches, and what it has to offer the holidaymaker.

Read more about the beaches on Samui...

http://www.samuiholiday.com/samuiinbrief.html

How do you get here?

As Samui is an island, it goes without saying that flight or ferry are your only options. Here you will find advice on not only the quickest and easiest way to reach Samui by air, but also budget options that involve trains, busses and finally ferries. It doesn’t matter HOW you get here, just get here!

http://www.samuiholiday.com/ gettingto.html 18

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Koh Samui has something for everyone‌ As well as enjoying the natural beauty that is everywhere on Koh Samui, there are also many interesting and exciting aspects of island life to explore; some traditions having remained unchanged for centuries. And, of course, there is a wide variety of fascinating local temples to visit and some of them may surprise you!

http://www.samuiholiday.com/attractions.html

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Holiday Property Abroad – Villa rentals on the island of Koh Samui, Thailand.

We have a great selection of rental villas to choose from – With the best deals and the knowledge to be able to make your Villa vacation dream come true.

If you can’t find what you like on our website, contact us with your details and we will look for you!

www.holidaypropertyabroad.com email: info@holidaypropertyabroad.com phone: (+66) 089 047 6348

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MUG SHOTS

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MUG SHOTS

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WORLD NEWS SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

HOUSE HUSBANDS STILL SUFFERING FROM STRESS

Most people assume that life in the rat race is bad for your health. But new research suggests it is men who give up their careers to become house husbands who are more at risk of a fatal heart attack. The study found that the pressures of staying at home to look after the children can be so stressful that they have a damaging effect on health. Researcher Dr Elaine Eaker, of Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises in Wisconsin, said the key to the problem was that some men became stressed about the fact that they were performing a role not traditionally associated with them by society. Men who do stay at home to look after the family tend not to have the same levels of support from peers, friends and family as women.

Source: BBC News

SOMETHING TO DECLARE

A witch carrying a jar of her own blood and an American family who refused to surrender their pet rat are among several recent arrivals to have raised the eyebrows of Australia’s quarantine officers. International travellers carrying illegal goods have been fined almost $130,000 in a quarantine crackdown in the past six months. While most fines have been issued for fruit and plant materials, a review of recent quarantine seizures has revealed some bizarre incidents. Earlier this month, Perth quarantine officers stopped an American woman who had arrived with her pet rat. When told the rat was not allowed entry into Australia, the woman’s family protested that Australia was the only country to have such strict quarantine laws. Rather than surrender the rat, they cancelled their holiday and caught the next flight out. In another incident, a self-proclaimed witch declared a jar of blood on arrival at Brisbane’s International Airport. She explained it was her own blood, for drinking in a pagan ritual. Quarantine officers said she surrendered the blood freely when told she could not carry it into the country.

ORDER NOW, GET THE RECTO-ROTOR ABSOLUTELY FREE

All of us who watch second-grade TV channels have seen advertisements for miscellaneous devices that supposedly heal you from any and all diseases. Bloussant will increase a woman’s breast size threefold in a month. Zeno Ex will enlarge a man’s member so that it is comparable to that of a horse. A multitude of such devices, created over the last 200+ years, was collected in the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices by Minneapolis resident Bob McCoy. After retiring earlier this year, McCoy has given his collection of over 325 artifacts to the Science Museum of Minnesota. The devices represented in the museum show just how naive people are. The collection contains some unique things. For example, the Shoe Fitting X-Ray. During the forties, ten thousand such devices were located in shoe shops around the country. They allowed buyers to instantly see how their foot bones fitted inside the shoe. A lot of devices were developed to solve problems with body functions and personal life: rectal prostate gland warmers, The Recto Rotor and a vibrating chair for intestinal peristalsis stimulation. And the sympathy prize goes to the foot powered vacuum breast enlarger. In the mid seventies, this enlarger, priced at $10 US, was bought by four million women. The only thing that they got was eight million bruises.

Source: Winglitch.com

PERSIL CLEANS NATURISTS

Nude British boules players have signed a deal with a leading washing powder maker to sponsor what little clothing they wear. Members of Britain’s naturist boules team will sport branded hats, socks and sweatbands at two tournaments in The Netherlands later this summer. “The team is hugely excited,” said manager Pat Thompson. British Naturism, which has 25,000 members and 170 clubs in the UK, will also be offered free samples of washing powder under the deal. “Even naturists have washing machines,” said Andrew Watson.

I’LL TAKE THE CAR , YOU CAN KEEP THE TOY

A former waitress has settled her lawsuit against Hooters, the restaurant that gave her a toy Yoda doll instead of the Toyota she thought she’d won. Jodee Berry, 27, won a beer sales contest last May at the Panama City Beach Hooters. She believed she had won a new Toyota and happily was escorted to the restaurant’s parking lot in a blindfold. But when the blindfold was removed, she found she had won a new toy Yoda – the little green character from the “Star Wars” Movies. David Noll, her attorney, said that he could not disclose the settlement’s details, although his client could now go to a local car dealership and “pick out whatever type of Toyota she wants.”

After the stunt, Berry quit the restaurant and filed a lawsuit against breach of contract and fraudulent misrepresentation.

The restaurant’s manager, Jared Blair, has said the whole contest was an April Fools’ joke. Source: CNews

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PANTS THAT COME WITH A WARNING

WORLD NEWS

An unusual device has just been created by Serbian Inventor – Slavomir Adamovic. This is no zero emission vehicle, or robotic house-cleaner though – rather it’s a pair of ladies panties with an alarm in them. You’re probably wondering what use anyone would have for such a strange device. Adamovic would have it that sexual abuse against women is rather frequent in offices (maybe it is in Serbia – who knows). His amazing invention will emit loud beeps every time its owner has her butt pinched. The inventor hopes that such unexpected sounds will cool down sexually charged men in the office and will therefore make it a safer place to work.

Adamovic says the panties beep thanks to a microchip embedded in the underwear which emits a sound when it is being pressed, or when areas close to the underwear are pressed.

Japanese and Taiwan companies have shown an interest in the product.

THE TELEVISION IS PEOPLES’ NEW BEST FRIEND

Watching television may make people think they have an active social life. A new study suggests people who watch more television feel like they have more friends. Sitcoms and prime-time dramas make women feel better about themselves, while men responded best to news programmes. The US study found people who watch certain TV shows were as satisfied with their social lives as people with more friends than them. Satoshi Kanazawa, of Indiana University in Pennsylvania, says the brain may have evolved to label any face it sees regularly as a friend. Kanazawa analyzed the results of the annual US General Social Survey to reach his findings.

Source: Ananova

TAKE SOME FENG SHUI T0 THE BEACH

A sexy body might help you pick up dates on the beach but you’ll score even more if your beer cooler faces the southwest. According to feng shui expert David Cho, keeping an open beer cooler filled with ice on the southwest corner of your towel increases your chances of getting lucky with the opposite sex.

However, don’t keep Coke in the cooler. Cho says the red cans will attract freaks so it’s better to have drinks that come in white cans. Another good way to improve sex appeal is to place your umbrella facing east. That improves your decision-making ability - which is crucial if you meet two potential mates.

Source: ncbuy

IT’S A TRADITION

Pluto the faithful terrier still does the daily pub crawl he was taken on for years - although his owner died recently. He visits the same four boozers he learned to love with ex-seaman Arnold Millard, 73. The pair would pop in to each pub for a bitter and a packet of crisps. Arnold, 73, was such a regular he was nicknamed Sooner by pals - because he often said he would sooner be in the pub than anywhere else. He died of a heart attack in March but 14-year-old Jack Russell Pluto - who enjoys a sip of ale – has continued his pub crawl since.

THIS IS RADIO MOSCOW - YOUR TOAST IS BURNING

Fed-up villagers are waking up to their toasters speaking Russian. Phones and other electrical appliances in the sleepy hamlet are also talking in tongues. And windscreen wipers mysteriously switch on when locals go out for a drive. The bizarre phenomenon in Hooke, Dorset, is down to a radio centre in nearby Rampisham that transmits the BBC World Service round the globe. The signals are so powerful they are picked up by every kind of electric appliance. Parish Council chairman John Dalton reckons the events would not be out of place in the X Files. He said: “I’ve heard music and foreign voices through a toaster and an electric organ. “And I was amazed when I got the World Service signature tune through a fridge.”

Source: The Sun

AND NOW, GET OUT OF THAT ONE

A local television reporter was rescued by divers when she was unable to escape from a submerged car while filming a news segment on how to get out of dangerous situations. Shannon Moss, a reporter for WCSHTV known for her “Get Out Alive” specials, was not injured in the incident which happened at a boat launch in Durham. With the car about 8 feet under water, Moss was supposed to break open the window using a pen-sized hammer known as a “punch.” But after a few failed attempts

by Moss, police divers had to rescue her with a crowbar to break open the window. The police said Moss was never in danger. She had an oxygen tank and an air mask, and the car hadn’t filled with water despite being submerged.

Source: Pressherald. com

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NORMAN WISDOM 26

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Picture if you will a man encased from head to toe in a plaster cast. His limbs are protruding from his body at various angles and he is being wheeled on a stretcher from the scene of an accident. His friends (volunteers in the same St John’s Ambulance training exercise) suddenly realise they’re late for a football match and rush off leaving him stranded. The man manages to roll himself into a vacant wheelchair and onto the stairs down from the second floor of the ambulance station. Bumpety, bump he goes, gathering speed all the time until he finds himself hurtling into the sidewall on the first landing. The wall explodes and he soars into the air just as an ambulance, with his friends at the wheel, screeches out of the station below. He lands on its roof, grabs a rail and hangs on for dear life. The ambulance careers round a bend and the unfortunate man is sent hurtling through a plate glass window into a hospital, where he slides across the entire length of a busy ward eventually coming to a halt in a crumpled heap against the opposite wall. At which point a doctor swings open the door, looks down at the man and says, curtly, “Nurse, what’s this man doing out of bed?”

And that, in essence, is the comedy of Norman Wisdom. The scene (which he performed himself after Pinewood Studios’ stuntman broke his arm on the first attempt) is from his hit film ‘A Stitch in Time’ and is typical of Wisdom’s unique brand of knock-about humour. He was at the height of his popularity - on a roll you might say- and the film, his 10th boxoffice hit in as many years, went on to displace Sean Connery’s ‘From Russia With Love’ from its number one spot in 1963.

Nobody, and we include here fine imitators like Freddie Starr and Lee Evans, has ever been able to ‘trip’ his audience into laughter quite as easily as Wisdom. He has always understood the so-called ‘banana skin principle’ - that in order to be funny, a deliberate stumble (such as the one that became his trademark) must be preceded by a moment of acute seriousness. The sort of moment you might find during a knighthood ceremony at Buckingham Palace, for example. After all, to be dubbed a Knight Batchelor for Services to Entertainment surely implies a degree of responsibility to entertain.

“I couldn’t resist it”, he claimed after the famous incident in June 2000 when he ‘stumbled’ as he walked away from the Queen after receiving his honour. “It must have been instinct that made me do it - the instinct of an old music hall ham who couldn’t resist milking it for just one more laugh.” But as usual his temerity proved to be justified. As a fellow Knight confirmed, “The palace hall echoed with guffaws and the queen beamed a big smile coupled with a slight shake of the head that seemed to say,

‘Behave yourself Norman!’ “.

Face it, you wouldn’t want to see Bobby Charlton tripping up at a moment like that would you? Or even Frank Bruno.

But Norman Wisdom, well it would almost be rude if he didn’t.

The key to Wisdom’s humour has always been his appreciation of three simple words: ‘cheeky’, ‘chaos’ and ‘control’. His films, Chaplinesque as they were, rarely strayed from that formula with the lovable innocent, pitching his limited wits against the cruelties of the modern world, but always creating a maelstrom of chaos in his wake and ultimately, almost innocently, winning through. As Jasper Carrot once said of his mother’s driving, “She never had a single accident in 50 years but she saw hundreds in her rear view mirror.”

As an extension of the stage persona he had been honing in the music halls of Vaudeville for years prior to his big screen debut, ‘Norman Pitkin’ became the perfect crystallization of Wisdom’s comedic beliefs. He knew that just as every great stage comedian craves love in the form of laughter, so should Pitkin, the clumsy little man in the ill-fitting suit with romantic notions above his station, seek the love of his film-going audiences.

In short, Pitkin’s buffoonery was funny because his audiences

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Dad was strong and I was small. But at least I was learning to fall.” The violence slowly gave way to abandonment and after a succession of temporary foster homes, at the age of 14, Wisdom was living alone on the streets of London. But even at that low ebb he never gave up hope that things would improve.

And one day they did. In the midst of scrounging his regular cuppa and hot pie from an all-night coffee stall in Victoria, he received some advice from the owner that would change his life forever. “Why don’t you join the army?” said the kindly old man, “at least you’Ll get a roof over your head and if you play your cards right, you might even learn a profession.” And never a truer word was spoken.

loved him. Widom was, and still is, popular throughout the world. Mainly because his humour rarely needs to be translated. Just as Rowan Atkinson’s Mr Bean crosses countless cultural and linguistic boundaries today, Wisdom’s films have always sold millions of copies without ever needing subtitles. Indeed this point was brought home to Wisdom in 1995 when, on a charity trip to Albania, he discovered to his surprise that he is one of that country’s most famous entertainers. It seems that throughout 40 years of Enver Hoxha’s repressive regime, very little of Western culture was allowed into the country, with the exception that is of Wisdom’s films. Apparently Hoxha decreed that Norman Pitkin (or ‘Pitkini’ as the Albanians call him) was a ‘proletarian hero’ to Mr Grimsdale’s capitalist ogre.

As Wisdom said on his return, “ When we landed at Tirana airport, the reception was like one of those old newsreels of the Beatles arriving at Heathrow in the sixties. I went through some of my routine, tripping over my feet and preparing to run away, and they Loved it. I even fell down three stairs into the reception area, and they fell about too.”

After that initial ‘trip’ Wisdom has made many more visits to Albania to help raise funds for the country’s thousands of orphans. A compassion derived perhaps from the harshness of his ownupbringing.

“I was born in very sorry circumstances” - he often quips, “both my parents were very sorry”. And whilst he may have borrowed that line from a hundred music hall comics of the time, sadly it wasn’t far from the truth. His father was a cruel man whose heavy drinking and violent temper eventually drove isdom’s mother from the family home when he and his older brother, Fred, were just nine and eleven years old.

After her departure the violence escalated. “One day he picked me up bodily and threw me from one side of the parlour to the other. My head actually hit the ceiling before I came crashing down.

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After lying about his non-existent musical talents, Wisdom enrolled as a drummer boy in the King’s own Royal Regiment. He spent nine happy years stationed in India, where he was taught to play the clarinet, the saxophone, the trumpet and the xylophone, to box, to ride a bike, but it was to be his singing voice that would feature regularly in his entertainment career. He speaks very fondly about this period of his life. “I owe everything to the army”, he once forthrightly admitted. The security and comradeship of the services must have seemed heavenly to a boy whose life up until that point had been as fraught with danger as it had been devoid of love.

It was also in the army that Wisdom discovered the power of the carefully constructed, yet casually presented, sight gag. Accidentally almost. “One evening in the barrack room I started to shadow box. I pranced about, hitting an imaginary opponent whilst the other lads, lying on their beds, encouraged me as if I were in a real bout. To make it more

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realistic I started ducking away from my non-existent opponent. Now I heard loud chuckles. I jerked my head back, putting on an expression of bewildered surprise as if the invisible ghost had caught me a fourpenny one. The room was filled with laughter and I went at it like a lunatic.

I crashed down from a mighty swipe and got up rubbing my jaw. I cowered and ran for my life finishing with a flying leap over a 2-tier bunk to screams of laughter as I landed on the other side.” And thus was born part of the routine that Wisdom would later use at the London Palladium, before royalty, and all round the world in his variety shows.

Shows which he only really stopped performing in 1998 when his long-serving straight man, Tony Fayne, retired.

These days Wisdom is as busy as ever. He’s just completed a film called ‘Five Children and It’, with Eddie Izzard and Kenneth Brannagh. He’s also actively involved with his many adopted charities, as well as making regular guest appearances on Television chat shows.

And whilst longevity alone is not a reason for greatness, Wisdom’s enduring appeal to now five generations of fans is surelyconvincing testimony. A truth summed up in February 2002, when, at the age of 87, he attended the South Bank Show’s annual awards luncheon to present the Best Comedy prize to the makers of ‘The Office’.

Despite the presence of such great artistic talents as Ricky Gervaise, Jane Asher, Kiri Te Kanawa, Elvis Costello, Wayne Sleep, Ben Kingsley and Ken Russell, it was ‘our’ Norman that day whose walk to the stage was the only one to bring that illustrious house to its feet. And he didn’t let them down. As tears welled in their eyes, he acknowledged their applause with a humble nod of his head, a kiss here and a handshake there, and then, just as the seriousness of the moment reached its zenith, half way up the steps to the stage, he stumbled!

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EBAY WEIRDOS SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

There are a lot of nutters out there. To prove it below is an edited email correspondence between James (our tolerant hero) and Bob (our ebay weirdo). Obviously we’ve changed their names just in case Bob hasn’t been locked up yet.

they have BIGbreasts? Names please?

JAMES REPLIED: They are Victoria Ray, Barbara Dimateo, Corrine Thompson, Nyla Hodge, Betty San Luis, Heather McDonnell. They’re all hotties with huge breasts.

JAMES: I finally got round to selling some stuff on eBay. One of my first items was a brand new Bikini Bandits DVD. I copied the blurb off tile back of the DVD and used it as the description on my eBay listing, I uploaded a picture of the front cover. What more could you need to know? The size of their tits of course.

BOB: I am also curious as to your bill to me. You charged a postage fee of £2.50 whereas the packet had only £1.12. The envelope may have cost 0.10, but I still believe this to be overcharged. Remember that you are liable for eBay fees and are not allowed to transfer them to customers. I would appreciate a partial refund on the postage.

Along came a stamp collector called Bob. Anyway, I thought I’d share this with you. Enjoy.

BOB WROTE: What girls are the Bikini Bandits? Do

JAMES: The charge of £2.50 for postage and packing was an estimation on my part; it is a small amount of money that I know will cover my costs. It’s declared in

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EBAY WEIRDOS SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

advance so you had the choice of not bidding on the auction. The difference in price here is merely pence.

Anyway, here’s my breakdown for you: £1.12 for the postage. £0.80 for the jiffy bag. I use plastic ones not the cheap paper ones. (not sure of cost) Documents enclosed label. (not sure of cost) Return address label. (not sure of cost) Paper and printer ink. (not sure of cost) My time packing it. (not sure of cost) My time for leaving the office to post it. (not sure of cost) The wear from the bottom of my shoes.

BOB: Now that I’ve looked at the DVD, I must state that your listing failed to mention that there are only a few episodes and they are ALL short, the average being 5 minutes. It was way too short for the price.

So, if you do not mind (and you shouldn’t since you forgot to mention the length on the eBay advert.) I would like to return you the DVD, in order to get my £11.50, which you can reimburse using the Pay Pal return mechanism.

length, you must have noticed that it is bizarrely short compared to NORMAL DVDs! By stating that you did not know the length, even abstractly, is considered legally as a hidden fault. As such, I think that £5 is a generous price for this. Maybe you would offer a partial refund.

JAMES: What top run movies can be purchased for and your opinion of its genre are irrelevant. This DVD retails for $20 in the US and it retails for £15.99 in the UK, so I’m intrigued as to how you feel your opinion that it is worth only £5 has any value.

Personally I prefer to take the approach that you win some you lose some, rather than engaging in some pathetic tit tat argument over a small amount of money. After all you bought, for a price of your own decision, a DVD which was advertised as a Bikini Bandits DVD and you received a Bikini Bandits DVD sounds straight forward to me. The DVD was advertised as a collection of short films and it gave a brief description of each, so it is blatantly clear how many short films to expect. What were you expecting?

Laurence of Arabia?

JAMES: My comments below are not false. It is of my opinion that they are hotties with huge breasts. If you specifically wanted ludicrous breasts like Lola Ferrari or Jordan you should have been more specific with your questions. I also provided you with the names of the actresses; a quick visit to www.bikinibandits.com would have perhaps been prudent if you are to be so anal about the size of their breasts.

As for your definition of a few episodes, to me a few means 3. I count 5 episodes, the same 5 episodes that are described in my original advertisement. If you feel it was too short for the price you should have done your research more thoroughly. I described the item with the description from the back of the DVD, which seems sensible to me.

BOB: I did not think that this would irk you. If you don’t know the

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FUNNIES

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!” Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!” Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. “Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.

“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”

“Don’t worry about it,” the man answered. “The frog was nothing special.

You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

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FUNNIES

A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, ‘My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.’

‘Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?’ asked the collie.

‘I can’t,’ replied the poodle. ‘I’m not allowed on the couch.’

Animal Facts 1. Hippo milk is pink.

2. If you put alcohol on a scorpion, it will sting itself to death.

3. Vampire bats are one of few mammals that will adopt an orphan or risk its own life to give food to a less fortunate roostmate.

4. Squirrels forget where they hide over half of their nuts.

5. Kittens sleep so much because they only release a special growth hormone while they sleep.

6. It is impossible for pigs to look up at the sky.

7. Sheep can survive two weeks buried in a snow drift.

8. A four foot long walrus penis bone sold for $8000 on ebay in 2007.

9. A whale penis is called a dork.

10. Elephants weigh less than a Blue Whale’s tongue.

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Woman’s Strategy for going to the toilet:

TOILET HUMOR

1. Enter the toilet, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, this one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it’s always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest, deciding only after checking every available stall.

2.Hang jacket and purse on door hook.

3.Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all the germs.

4.Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing touches the ground.

5.Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb the layer of paper between you and the seat whilst remembering that germs are everywhere.

6.Relax.

7.Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips being very careful not to get germs from the seat.

8.Start to put back the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like you did when you entered the bathroom.

9.Flush.

Man’s Strategy for going to the toilet: 1.Walk slowly and proudly up to the door of the men’s room, making sure everyone knows this is where you are headed.

2.Enter the toilet and quickly scan for the perfect urinal.

3.There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person. If this is not possible take the urinal next to the wall or beside a safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, return later.

4.If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head.

Another approach is to look at the floor or feet are always good as well.

5.Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes close and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.

6.Shake it off, put it back in your pants.

7.Attempt to dry hands, Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.

8.Wait patiently for your girlfriends to return, remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long.”

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DATES FOR YOUR DIARY SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

MARCH 2014 ‌..Is Library Lovers Month 1 Pig Day 4 Pancake Day 7 Middle Name Pride day 9 Check your batteries day 10 Napping day 11 World Plumbing day 13 Ken day 16 Lips Appreciation day 18 Bio Diesel day 20 Ravioli day 36

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21 Puppy day 23 Near Miss day 27 Quirky Country Music Day 28 Something on a stick day 29 Weed Appreciation Day

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SURVIVAL TIPS AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID, I WAS PETRIFIED …

We’ve all heard our share of secondhand survival tips. Like how an attacking giant octopus can be deterred with a swift biro to its ugly single eye (Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea, 1 954), or how it’s okay to run around in lightning storms if you’re wearing a pair of thigh-high rubber boots. But if push came to shove, and Fate came knocking at your door, all dressed in black and muttering about the futility of life, how much of that bar room advice should you trust?

TO DETER A HUNGRY SHARK

“Punch it firmly on the end of its nose and shout, ‘Stay!’ in an authoritative voice”. Close. But it’s actually better to aim for their slitty little eyes or the gills on the side of their heads. The shark’s nose isn’t actually very sensitive at all. And whilst shouting will have no affect whatsoever, it will help you feel more fearsome.

ESCAPING FROM A SWARM OF KILLER BEES

“Head straight for your nearest lake or river. Preferably one with a plentiful supply of hollow-stemmed plants for making those allimportant makeshift snorkels”. If your nearest water isn’t just round the corner and you follow the above advice, you will probably survive. But not because you spent half an hour at the end of your run hovering below the surface of a murky swamp breathing through a bullrush. It will be the run that saved you. The Africanised honeybee, or ‘Killer’ as it is known to its friends, will aggressively defend its patch.

But only up to a maximum distance of about 200 metres. If the water you dive into isn’t off their patch, the bees will probably still be there when you surface. And you’ll look pretty silly trying to explain to them what you were doing. “A truly fiendish plan human. For a while there we thought you had damaged roots.”

TO ESCAPE A CHARGING BULL

“Run at it shouting”. This will generally only work with weedy bulls. A proper, grown up one will carry on charging and you will find yourself playing a highstakes game of ‘Chicken’. This will usually lead to an embarrassing U-turn on your part and a horn in the buttocks to help you over the nearest fence.

Your best bet is actually to take off your shirt. When the bull is within just a couple of feet of a successful gorge, throw it down to one side of you to divert the beast’s head at the final moment. The bull will invariably fall for this and provided you are wearing plenty of clothes, you might just make it till the farmer’s arrival.

And you might want to remember this one too. When faced 38 with herd of rampaging wild buffalo (or the like)

do not assume that if you stand boldly upright in their path they will mistake you for a tree and run round you. A herd of wild horses would. But bulls are stupid.

They stop for nothing once they’ve got their heads down and you’d be trampled to a bloody pulp in moments. Funnily enough, your only escape is to run with them. This apparently gives you a far better chance of staying on your feet. Firm shoulder barges help and ingratiating yourself to your new friends with a gutsy rendition of ‘Little White Bull’ , wouldn’t go amiss either.

JUMP IN TO WATER A GREAT HEIGHT

(like say, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid when they were being pursued by the ‘mystery’ riders) “It is always best to launch yourself into a full, headfirst swallow dive like those blokes do what dive off them cliffs in Acapulco”.

Wrong. All but experienced divers would end up with broken backs. You should always go feet first. Point your toes towards the water, shackle your more tender areas in a firm protective grasp and brace yourself.

And don’t forget to clench your buttocks at the last moment to prevent an unwanted ultra-high-pressure douche. After you hit the water you should make like a starfish. This will help slow you down. And if the water is shallow, chances are you’ll only break a leg not a skull.

IF YOU GET STUNG BY A JELLY FISH

“Get your best friend to urinate on it. (The sting that is, not the jelly fish.)

This is so famous it even made it onto an episode of Friends • the one with the ‘unmentionable incident’.

And even they got it wrong. Recent research in Australia has revealed that both urine and beer actually accelerate the release of poison from the ‘nematocysts’ (the nasty little critters in jelly fish slime) still in contact with the skin. Far better to use vinegar. Keep the wounded area at heart level (gravity / neutral), if possible. Too high causes venom to travel to the heart, too low causes more swelling. Do not eat or drink alcohol.

Get anti-venom inside you or call for an ambulance pronto.

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“The funky café with a twist!”

A full café menu, accompanied with high class cuisine…The English style Fish & Chips will blow your mind! The A La Carte menu will delight your senses and there is plenty to choose from the Fine Wines, Beers and Champagne on offer, there is most definitely something for everyone at The Red Brick Café.

Fully air-conditioned restaurant, with a Kiddies Corner with entertainment for the younger ones…giving parents a chance to enjoy themselves and relax a little. Fast WIFI and Flat screen TV’s.

You can find us in the Boonjumnong Apartment complex (also home to Wine Connection and The Irish Times), adjacent to Tesco Lotus Chaweng.

We look forward to seeing you soon!

Tel: 077 484 980 Email: redbrickcafe@hotmail.com

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WORLD’S 20 MOST ANNYOYING THINGS Will somebody please have a word!

THE FACT THAT RUSSELL CROWE WON AN OSCAR FOR ‘GLADIATOR’.

PEN CHEWERS.

Especially those who don’t have ‘Very Important - always hold this gob filled tube in the vertical position when borrowing’ written on the side of their disgustingly masticated pens. Particularly annoying for other pen-chewers who aren’t necessarily in the mood for early morning spittle swapping.

PEOPLE WHO SAY OR WRITE THE WORD ‘DOH’.

MOBILE PHONE TUNES.

People who think the crap little ditty they’ve programmed into their phone is so good that answering the dam thing within thirty rings is to deprive the general public of a rare musical treat.

RABBIT IMPERSONATORS.

People who do that silly little bunny rabbit’s ears thing with the first two fingers of each hand during conversation - for “emphasis.” Speak louder, use an adjective, spill your beer over your own head. Anything but the rabbit thing.

PEOPLE WHO HOLD DOORS OPEN FOR YOU WHEN YOU’RE STILL THIRTY YARDS AWAY FROM THEM. They know that because you are intrinsically a polite person, you will be forced to break out into one of those silly, Quasimodo-style lopes somewhere between a walk and a run.

TAXI DRIVERS WHO INSIST ON PLAYING ‘BOUNCY BOUNCY’ WITH THE ACCELERATOR PEDAL. This is a worldwide epidemic caused by arthritis of the knee and the invention of random speed cameras.

HECKLERS.

Particularly those who don’t limit their mindless outbursts to comedy nights. Stand-up comedians are trained to deal with this activity; ice skaters and gymnasts are not.

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IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS.

Especially the one that goes, “Today we will be cruising at an altitude of thirty thousand feet and for your comfort the cabin will be pressurized.” Surely by now everyone knows that if the cabin wasn’t pressurized, our heads would explode.

BITING YOUR OWN TONGUE.

For middle-aged people, this is a depressing reminder of the onset of old age. Tongues, ears and noses are the only body parts that carry on growing after you reach adulthood. This means that eventually your tongue will be too large for your mouth and it will become more and more difficult to talk clearly. It is then only a matter of time before you find yourself having to remove your dentures at the dinner table for your, ‘the trouble with young people today is that they have no respect for the older generation’ lecture.

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WORLD’S 20 MOST ANNYOYING THINGS TOILET BRUSHES.

We are all occasionally forced to use the dreaded bog brush.

Usually after big Uncle Bertie’s been to stay. The ‘one eye closed’ nature of this odious task, almost inevitably means that sooner or later you will conclude the operation by dripping live ‘poo water’ on your bare foot. Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk.

THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE AEROPLANES.

Please be honest with us. If your planes really are state-of-theart miracles of 21st century technology, how come the sea belts still look like the ones you used to get in a 1973 Mach I Ford Escort?

FIRST YEAR PHILOSOPHY STUDENTS. who ask you the old, “If a tree were to fall down in the middle of a forest and nobody was there to hear it, would it ma e a noise?” question, without realizing that this is tantamount to asking you to jab them very hard in the ear with a rusty old screw driver.

WHEN PEOPLE SAY “IT’S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK.” Of course it is

WHEN ADVERTISING PEOPLE DESCRIBE SOMETHING AS ‘NEW AND IMPROVED!’

Which is it? It can’t be both. If it’s new, then surely there can’t have been anything before it to improve upon.

THE EXPRESSION, “LIFE IS SHORT”.

Compared to what? Surely life is about the longest thing a human being will ever experience. Bona fide reincarnates excepted of course.

PEOPLE WHO SAY ‘MY EYES AREN’T WHAT THEY USED TO BE’.

What did they used to be? Ears? Piston engines?

PEOPLE WHO POINT AT THEIR WRIST WHILE ASKING FOR THE TIME.

That’s only a very small step away from pointing at your crotch when you ask where the toilet is.

WHEN PEOPLE SAY, “OH YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT”.

Yes. Obviously. Are there really people out there with cupboards full of old, uneaten cakes?

PEOPLE WHO TELL YOU WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO THE TOILET. In view of the human tendency to form mental images from aural stimulus • a little too much information perhaps?

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ITS A MAD MAD WORLD SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

We have no idea who uttered these immortal words, but them they did….

“Most of the time... when you’re crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you’re worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you’re happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time...”

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life…”

“A glass of beer shortens your life by one minute, a glass of wine by two minutes, and a day of work by seven to ten hours…”

“When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people…”

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“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing…”

“I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems…”

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VINTAGE WIT

BABIES RULE STILL The great American satirist Mark Twain delivered this as a speech to the army of Tenessee, at a banquet in the honour of their first commander General US Grant in November 1879.1t seems fatherhood hasn’t changed much in 150 years.

I like that. We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have not all been generals, or poets or statesmen; but when the toast works down to the babies, we stand on common ground. It is a shame that for a thousand years the world’s banquets have utterly ignored the baby, as if he didn’t amount to anything. If you will stop and think a minute- if you will go back 50 or 100 years to your early married life, and recontemplate your first baby- you will remember that he amounted to a good deal, and even something over. You soldiers all know that when that little fellow arrived at family headquarters you had to hand in your resignation. He took entire command.

You became his lackey, his mere body-servant, and you had to stand around too. He was not a commander who made allowances for time, distance, weather or anything else. You had to execute his orders whether it

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

VINTAGE WIT was possible or not. And there was only one form of marching in his manual of tactics, and that was the double-quick. He treated you with every source of insolence and disrespect, and the bravest of you didn’t dare say a word. You could face the death-storm at Donelson and Vicksburg, and give back blow for blow; but when he clawed your whiskers, and pulled your hair, and twisted your nose, you had to take it.

When the thunders of war were sounding in your ears, you set your faces toward the batteries and advanced with steady tread; but when he turned on the terrors of his war-whoop, you advanced in the other direction, and mighty glad of the chance too. When he called for soothing-syrup, did you venture to throw out any side remarks about certain services being unbecoming an officer and a gentleman? No. You got up and got it. When he ordered his pap-bottle, and it was not warm, did you talk back? Not you. You went to work and warmed it. You even descended so far in your menial office as to take a suck at that warm, insipid stuff yourself, to see if it was rightthree parts water to one of milk, and a touch of sugar to modify the colic, and a drop of peppermint to kill those immortal hiccoughs. I can taste the stuff yet.

And how many things you learned as you went along! Sentimental young folks still take stock in that beautiful old saying, that when the baby smiles in his sleep, it is because the angels are whispering to him.

Very pretty, but too thin-simply wind on the stomach, my friends. If the baby proposed to take a walk at his usual hour, two o’clock in the morning, didn’t you rise up promptly and remark, with a mental addition which would not improve a Sunday-school book much, that that was the very thing you were about to propose yourself?

Oh! You were under good discipline, and as you went fluttering up and down the room in your undress uniform, you not only prattled undignified babytalk, but even turned up your martial voices and tried to sing!“Rock-a-by baby in the tree top,” for instance. What a spectacle for an army of the Tennessee!

And what an affliction for the neighbours, too; for it is not everybody within a mile around that likes military music at three in the morning. And when you had been keeping this sort of thing up two or three hours, and your little velvethead intimated that nothing suited him like exercise and noise, what did you do? (“Go on!”) You simply went on until you dropped in the last ditch. The idea that a baby doesn’t amount to anything! Why, one baby is just a house and a front

yard full by itself. One baby can furnish more business than you and your whole Interior Department can attend to. He is enterprising, irrepressible, brimful of lawless activities. Sufficient unto the day is one baby.

As long as you are in your right mind don’t you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot, and there ain’t any real difference between triplets and an insurrection.

Yes, it was high time for a toast-master to recognize the importance of the babies. Think what is in store for the present crop! Fifty years from now we shall all be dead, I trust, and then this flag, if it still survive (and let us hope it may), will be floating over a Republic numbering 200,000,000 souls, according to the settled laws of our increase. Our present schooner of State will have grown into a political leviathan-a Great Eastern. The cradled babies of today will be on deck. Let them be well trained, for we are going to leave a big contract on their hands.

Among the three or four million cradles now rocking in the land are some which this nation would preserve for ages as sacred things, if we could know which ones they are. In one of these cradles the unconscious Farragut of the future is at this moment teething - think of it! - and putting in a world of dead earnest, unarticulated but perfectly justifiable profanity over it, too. In another the future renowned astronomer is blinking at the shining Milky Way with but a languid interest - poor little chap! - and wondering what has become of that other one they call the wet-nurse. In another the future great historian is lying – and doubtless will continue to lie until his earthly mission is ended. In another the future president is busying himself with no profounder problem of state than what the mischief has become of his hair so early; and in a mighty array of other cradles there are now some 60,000 future office-seekers, getting ready to furnish him occasion to grapple with that same old problem a second time.

And in still one more cradle, somewhere under the flag, the future illustrious commander-in-chief of the American armies is so little burdened with his approaching grandeurs and responsibilities as to be giving his whole strategic mind at this moment to trying to find out some way to get his big toe into his mouth-an achievement which, meaning no disrespect, the illustrious guest of this evening turned his entire attention to some fifty-six years ago; and if the child is but a prophecy of the man, there are mighty few who will doubt that he succeeded.

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JUST THOUGHTS SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS

by Joe Swain

Resolving the puzzle of humankind’s lovehate relationship with machines can be wonderfully cathartic- assuming of course you’re properly tooled up for the job.

The first time I took a hammer to a machine it was one of those big Xerox photocopiers with A3-sized glass under its hood and an attitude to suit. It was my first office job and the fat guy with the purple face wanted me to copy something- fast. It was a tall order, involving unbinding, fanning to minimize dog-ears, splitting into manageable portions, multiple copying and then binding. I knew it would require the perfect application of all my newly acquired Office Troll skills and I might just have made it if it hadn’t been for that damn machine.

I started okay. Seven copies of the first two portions lay neatly in collecting trays, the sun streaming through the tiny, high-level window and my plastic cup of coffee doing its stuff on my hangover. Then the friendly fire started.

Every Tom, Dick and Sharon wandered in, doing the old ‘mind if I just nip in with a quick one-pager’ routine. I should have just growled like a dog and stood my ground, but I was young. I wanted to be the most popular photocopy-boy the office had ever seen and I particularly wanted the man with the purple face to like me because he was the one paying for my hangovers. My deadline loomed and I felt myself slipping inexorably into the classic photocopy trap. Believing the machine would sense the urgency of my predicament, roll up its sleeves and bail me out, I frantically stuffed larger and larger piles into its feeder. It took about five minutes for everything to start going horribly wrong. The room suffered a direct hit from a particularly powerful panic bomb. The precariously balanced piles of paper did the dance of the falling

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

dominoes and the machine suddenly ground to a halt in a plume of grey smoke. Like a country vet, I lay on the floor with my arms buried deep in its innards desperately twiddling dials and flapping levers in a last-gasp attempt to induce delivery.

But alas to no avail. The machine sniggered to itself and bombarded me with messages ranging from ‘paper jam’ and ‘sorter misfeed’ to ‘call tech support you useless half-wit’. The purple-faced man buzzed around me as a cordon of tutting staff formed at the door, edging me closer to a calamitous meltdown. They peppered me with useful questions: “Do you at least know where the original is?” and “I suppose you realise I’m going to be late for my meeting now?” my self-respect and, with as much calm as I could muster, went to fetch a hammer. The drop-jaw look on their faces as I systematically smashed and pummeled the photocopier into a mangled wreck of twisted polycarbons was somewhere between shock and fear. The purple-faced man, far from sacking me on the spot, admired my forthright sense of self-expression, gave me the nickname ‘Mad Dog’ and stood back in awe as I went on to become one of the most ruthless and admired business tycoons of my generation. In reality of course, I never even made it up off my knees. My colleagues tutted themselves into a frenzy of self-flagellation and the purple-faced man had to go to his meeting with just a few well-shuffled sections of his report.

It taught me an important lesson however. Not to trust machines. Ever since James Hargreaves knocked up the world’s first proper labour-saving device in 1764 - a textile-weaving thing, often quaintly referred to as the ‘spinning Jenny’ - machines have been bent on only one thing. World domination. And as the years have passed they’ve only gotten smarter.

I know for a fact that the only reason my computer doesn’t load web pages as quickly as Sandra Bullock’s did in The Net (in 1995, for goodness sake) is that it knows it annoys the hell out of me. I’m sure I can feel tumours growing inside me as I wait. Doing a Basil Fawlty and beating it with a stick would be a tempting option but unfortunately isn’t yet considered de rigeuroffice behaviour. Which is why a few years ago I invented something called a ‘Pain Dial’, a small device you stick on the side of any machine, which with the help of a couple of batteries and a small speaker, allows you to believe you are inflicting various degrees of pain on it. It’s equipped with a dial with numbers ranging from one to 10. Number one causes a small yelping noise, number five prompts an “Oi, get off, that really hurts”, right through to 10, which extracts a gruesome blood-curdling death knell that will haunt you in your sleep for eternity. As Edgar Allen Poe once said, “It’s not about actual pain, but the fear of pain. That is where true power Iies.”

Unfortunately I read recently that some bloke in America has just started producing them and is already well on his way to his first million.

Which annoys me because I really was going to patent that idea myself.

I drew up sketches and plans and everything. I tell you, I’d be sailing my yacht in the Med right now…

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THE DAILY SPOON SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

Further Findus controversy as fish revealed not to have fingers Finders fish fingers

Frozen ready meal provider Findus is under further pressure today after tests showed that their Fish Finger products contained no aquatic digits whatsoever.

The research took place yesterday when someone at home looked on the Internet at photos of a fish and photos of a fish finger.

Lead researcher and Simon Williams, “I’ve looked at dozens of pictures of fish and still not seen a single finger, not even something resembling a rectangular finger.”

“You know, now you mention it, you never see a picture of a fish waving at the camera, do you?”

“I’m beginning to panic about what I’ve been putting in my mouth all these years – I think we need to be told the truth.”

“I bet there’s as much finger in this product as there is beef in one of their Lasagnas. I don’t see how the public can ever trust them again.”

Findus controversy

Many consumers have been left distraught at the news, having failed to learn anything about animal anatomy at school.

Fish finger fan Mike Walsh frantically told us, “Oh Christ, what is it I’ve been eating all these year? Is it a fish penis, is that it? Am I ‘fish gay’ now? I have been feeling quite ‘fabulous’ recently.”

Food industry experts have been warning the public to be more careful about their product choices in future.

A spokesman for the Food Standards Agency explained, “If you didn’t kill and cook the thing on your plate yourself, rest assured that somewhere out there an overpaid executive in an expensive suit cut a few corners in selling it to you.”

“That’s capitalism for you.”

Arsenal to convert trophy cabinet into corporate box

Following his side’s FA Cup exit at home to Championship side Blackburn, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger admitted the club may make better use of its trophy cabinet by converting it into a state-of-the-art match-day corporate box.

The French procurer of young talent said the club’s board believes the move could generate a significant increase in revenue, sufficient to free up enough funds to invest in a smaller cabinet that is several years away from reaching its prime.

“The new cabinet would not be expected to make an immediate contribution to the club above and beyond containing the trophies we have accumulated pre2005,” Wenger told reporters at the post-match press conference.

“In fact, we think it far more prudent to base our future storage strategy around what we already have.”

He went on, “We hope the swiftness of this purchase will appease fans who continue to criticise our lack of meaningful activity in the transfer market.”

“Who knows, we may even go out and buy some of those rubbish fake paper tattoos, that would really shut them up.”

Arsenal out of FA Cup

Wenger reassured a finite subset of Arsenal fans hopeful of seeing some silverware in the next decade, provided they happened to have married 15-years ago.

“Yes, to those fans, for sure.”

“Its called a 25-year silver wedding anniversary.”

“Or train a magpie to steal some, the bird obviously, not the Geordie variety.”

“They have been waiting even longer than us.”

5 year-old racks up massive bill after putting iPad down to ‘turn up radiator’

The parents of a five year-old boy have said they are requesting a full refund after their son racked up a massive utility bill by putting down his iPad long enough to turn up a few radiators.

Danny Williams, from Bath, was using the family iPad when he felt a bit cold and put it down to look for ways of getting warm.

The next month the Lounges noticed their utility bills running into the hundreds but assumed they had been sent in error.

Danny’s father Simon told us, “It seems Danny had gone round the house turning up the heating, we had no idea it was so easy for him to essentially burn money.”

“Call us naive, but I don’t think we could be expected to know a five year-old could spend hundreds of pounds on gas just by pressing a few buttons and twiddling a few knobs.”

“You only have to look at how easy it is to see they’re clearly targeting children.”

5 year old’s massive bill

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Danny’s mother Sheila told us that he’d promised he wouldn’t do it again.

“He knows in future that you need to put on another jumper. And a hat, and some gloves. And make a water bottle. Then huddle up with his sisters – all before we consider turning on the heating.”

“It’s like he thinks we’re bloody lottery winners.”

Read more at www.newsthump.com

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

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