Squealer xmas issue 4(single)

SQUEALER

MAGAZINE

THE

KOH SAMUI’S DEFINITIVE TOILET READ

ISSUE 4 / DECEMBER 2013

JOANNA LUMLEY GANGSTA GRANNY AT 67

JINGLE BELL BALLS SAYS LADY GAGA

DON’T CRY FOR ME KOH SAMUI

INSIDE 01

WELCOME

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FEATURE

24

TRAVEL SQUEALER

28

FEATURE

30

VINTAGE COMEDY

38

SPOTLIGHT

48

JUST THOUGHTS

50

THE DAILY SPOON

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cookery masterclass

Funny, wordy and downright weird stories

Don’t Cry For Me Koh Samui

Maxine gets to grips with life

Get your shoulder pads out, it’s the 80’s

Joanna Lumley – Still Nobody’s Patsy

Mel Gibson - Och the noo Cobber!!

True news stories with little or no truth

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SQUEALER magazine

Editor Lorraine Clark Design and Web ets.io

Advertising advertising@squealermagazine.com Newsdesk newsdesk@squealermagazine.com

Questions and Contact: Email: info@squealermagazine.com Web: www.squealermagazine.com

editors drivel In these times of depression, cutbacks, disasters and doom and gloom, we just want to wish you a Happy Xmas from the team at The Squealer!

Thank you for your support so far and here’s to a shiney, smiley 2014!

That said here’s a recipe for the ultimate Xmas Cake.

Tequila Christmas Cake Ingredients: 1 cup of water, 1 tsp baking soda, 1 cup of flour, 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts 1 bottle tequila 2 cups of dried fruit Method: Sample the tequila to check quality.

Take a large bowl Check the tequila again.

To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar.

Beat again.

At this point it’s best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt.

Or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.

Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

Lorraine Clark editor

To Get you in the Mood - Jingle Balls

LETTERS

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

DEAR SQUEALER….

REAL SIGN ON A JAPANESE TRAIN

This sign appears next to ‘priority Seats’. I totally agree that pregnant women, adults with small children and fat people with unbearable piles should get a seat.

But for the life of me I don’t see why we should give priority to a man who’s overdone his Viagra!

Japanese photo here Shirley Leamington, Osaka

A WARNING

A word of advice to your readers. If someone comes to your door saying that they are conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, request some identification. Chances are it’s a scam; they just want to see you naked. I wish somebody had warne me. I feel so stupid and cheap now.

Jenny Corpund, 205 Pasir Pandung Road, Singapore DRY HUMOUR I heard you like funny pictures.

This is a cracker!

Chris Cheers Chris, for reasons of comedic timing we have put your picture on page 18 and you’re dead right, it’s a cracker!

LAUGHS

A comedy magazine, great. Here’s a question for you. “how do you keep a moron in suspense?”

Jo Wiseman Yeah, nice one.

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SHOCKING

I was shocked to hear that the UK’s Home Secretary say that the country’s prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given ‘thrill of a lifetime’ experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Mrs Brown, Thailand

CLASSY CROWS

Heard you were looking for funny pictures. How about this one from my uncle in Ireland. We have a different class of crows in Kilarney I can tell you.

Michael

FUNNIES

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

“All you idiots, fall out!” shouted the sergeant at the soldiers standing in formation. As the rest of the squad dispersed, one soldier remained at attention. The sergeant stalked over and raised a single eyebrow. The private grinned…”Sure was a lot of them huh, sir?”

– MATHEW HAWORTH If he wasn’t already aware of the dangers inherent in military life, things became pretty clear for my son with one look at his Marine boot camp itinerary. On one of the first days, Bayonet Techniques was scheduled for the morning. Following that: Beginning First Aid. – TOMMY SISSON

Our first stop as new recruits was the barber’s.

“Want to keep your sideburns?” he asked. “Yes, that would be great,” I said. “Okay, I’ll get you a bag to put them in.”

– JAMES MCGRUDER

“Well,” snarled the drill sergeant to the miserable recruit doing pushups in the rain, “I suppose after you’re discharged you’ll be waiting for me to die so you can spit on my grave.” “Not me replied the recruit. “Once I get out of the marines, I am never standing in line again.”

– Pete Murphy Joining the Air Force was a dream come true.

And when I sat in the copilot’s seat during an introduction to the cockpit, I was eager to impress my instructor. I quickly made my way through the maze of dials and levers on the instrument panel, naming each one and describing what they did in great detail. Until that is, I came to one with a bunch of numbers. “What’s this?” I asked. “The clock,” he answered.

– FAISAL MASOODI

“Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news,” said our platoon sergeant during our morning lineup. “First the good news, Private Tomkins will be setting the pace on our run.” The platoon began to hoot and holler, since the overweight Tomkins was the slowest in the group. “Now the bad news, Private Tomkins will be driving a truck.”

– RICK STOVER

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CUTE

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest lisp, “Excuthe me mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” The shopkeeper’s heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a white widdle wabbit, or a thift and furwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle brown wabbit over there?” She blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my python weally gives a toss what colour they are.”

MORE FUNNIES

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

DRINK

After the first day of a world brewing convention in the States, the CEO’s of various brewin organizations retire to the bar. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the Barman: “In ‘Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in th world, so pour me a Fosters, mate.” Bob, CEO of Busweiser calls out next: “In the States, we brew the finest beers known to mankind, and I make the king of them all – gimme a Bud.” Hans steps up next: “In Germany ve invented das beer.

Give me ein Becks, der real King of Beers.” Paddy, CEO of Guinness steps forward: “Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon please.” The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: “Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?” To which Paddy replies: “Well if you pussies aren’t drinking, then neither am I”.

OLD ROOSTER

Zeb was an egg farmer. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job is was to fertilise the eggs. Zeb was keeping a careful eye on his business by maintaining meticulous records, and any rooster that didn’t perform well went into the soup pot.

That took an awful lot of Zeb’s time; so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Zeb could tell, from distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb’s favourite rooster was an old Brewster. A fine specimen who has served Zeb well for many years. It saddened him therefore when after a few days he still hadn’t heard Brewster’s bell ring. Noit even once. Full of trepidation he decided he’d better check for himself before getting the soup pot out. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But, to Zeb’s amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on the pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him into the country fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded himthe No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pullett Surprise.

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FEATURE

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest, which asks for its readers to supply alternative meanings for common words.

in the garden a long time.” Adams and Knoxwood founder George Scott both said Mrs. Parker did the right thing by calling them.

The 12 Days Of Christmas

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

People ask why England has so many funny news stories. The reason is that American journalists typically skip these kinds of stories in favor of something more earth-shattering. Bless the U.K. for publishing them. Margaret Parker of Carlisle, England, found a five-inch-long tortoise in her garden. The miniature tortoise was cute, so she brought it inside and tried to feed it. Parker’s daughter brought some lettuce for it, but it still wouldn’t eat.

So the women called Knoxwood Wildlife Rescue Centre for advice, and a volunteer was sent out. Pauline Adams picked up the tortoise and figured out the problem.

She said: “At first when I arrived I didn’t have my glasses on and I thought it was a baby tortoise. It was sitting there in the shoe box, on a bed of lettuce and tomato.

Then I put my specs on, and thought: ‘Oops — what’s this?’ When I picked it up I saw the CE mark and the words Made in China, and I just cracked up. I laughed even more when she told me her daughter had been to the Co-op to buy tomato and lettuce for it. She was very apologetic.

12 Judging by the moss on it, it had been

December 22, 1972

My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.

Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes

Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours! Agnes

December 15, 1972

December 23, 1972

December 14, 1972

Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves.

I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes The winners are:

am I going to do with 8 maids a milking?

It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

December 16, 1972

Dear John: Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one.

Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

All my love, Agnes

You rotten prick: Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.

I’m calling the police on you! Agnes

December 24, 1972

Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

Listen Fuckhead: What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.

All twenty-three of the birds are dead.

They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

December 18, 1972

December 25, 1972

December 17, 1972

Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it.

Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

December 19, 1972

Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 1972

John: What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell

Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

INSTANT HUMOR

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3 Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime.

The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious. ‘I can’t believe it!’ he yells. ‘I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’ Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. ‘Oi fatty!’ she says.

‘Where d’you want me to stick this?’ And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

A mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…’ He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…’ He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother’s room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…’

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

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Need to Upgrade your Advertising?

Try an Advert in The Squealer The Definitive Toilet Read

Don’t follow the masses...

Advertise in The Squealer Magazine to really get noticed on the street.’

For more information contact: advertising@squealermagazine.com or phone Lorraine (the one who does most everything in the office) (+66) 089 047 6348 Issuu www.squealermagazine.com 14

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NOVEMBER CAPTION COMPETITION – WINNER

CAPTION COMPETITION

The office’s “team-bonding evening” out to the local Indian resulted in some negative effects to productivity.

- Beatrice

Best of the rest: NASA’s sensory deprivation experiments proved ineffective when Bob the goldfish was left in.

- Heather Rising electricity costs forced Professor Frankenstein to take part-time secretarial work, just to make ends meet.

- Wally Heinrich found working in the new department a real buzz.

- Thomas

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TRAVEL SQUEALER

DON’T CRY FOR ME KOH SAMUI Joe Swain laments the demise of Koh Samui’s once proud species of visitor: the backpacker

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It’s hard to imagine Koh Samui as it was in 1989. No airport, no giant superstores, no golf courses and certainly no McDonalds. Indeed, it was a major stopping off point on the South East Asian backpacker route and as such, catered mainly for budget travelers. Or ‘bloody hippies’ as they were affectionately known in those days. The sort of people who thought nothing of spending an hour haggling an impoverished coconut farmer down from 60 Baht a night (to displace him and his family from their rickety timber shack) to 59 Baht. “We’re not rich you know” they’d whine as they snapped away at disappearing sunsets with their 1000 USD Olympus Trip cameras. “You must understand, we’re not tourists, we’re travelers. “As is such a minor change in terminology might bring about a ritual slaughtering of scared chickens by an overjoyed tribal leader, a garland of flowers and a free opium pipe.

I know all this of course because I was one of them. I didn’t think of myself as a hippy though; that was a term strictly reserved for people who ‘traveled’ in India. We were the new breed of backpackers, twenty something office workers who’d saved up enough cash from their grimy city jobs to see a little more of the world than the Spanish Costas. We accepted the tag ‘backpacker’ more readily because we actually used backpacks to carry our things around rather than the rolled up sarongs favoured by the hippies. Not that the Thais saw the difference. I remember chatting to a bar owner in Samui’s then most frequented bar called The Pink Flamingo (or something like that) who asked me a straightforward enough question. “Why is it”, he enquired, “that you all carry around those huge bags on your backs and yet all you ever wear are shorts and vests? What’s in the bags? 30 more pairs of shorts and 30 more vests?’ I had no answer.

In those days a trip to Samui entailed an overnight voyage on a packed open-topped ferry from the mainland port of Suratthani. There was talk of an airport coming soon, a truth that usually solicited a “what a shame” type response from the budget bunnies who thought such a move would surely be disastrous for the island’s businesses. They (ok ‘we’) were of the horribly naïve opinion that the retaliatory shift to less spoilt Thai islands (i.e. poorer ones) that the airport’s arrival would surely spark the consequent removal of our sweaty little wads of cash from the local

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economy, would somehow sound the island’s death knell as one of the most popular ‘R&R’ destinations in Asia.

A move which has, for example, cut the journey time from Singapore down to well under two hours.

But more interestingly perhaps is not the isA conclusion based upon the view that the land’s growth as a tourist resort, but as a retireonly people willing to holiday in places like ment and holiday home destination. Recent Samui were those who didn’t mind roughing it changes in land laws have made it possible, a bit. In a way we were right. Backpackers are with navigable restrictions, for foreigners to indeed a rare sight on Samui today. But you’d own property here on a long term basis. This be hard pushed to find a local businessman has seen a an incredible acceleration in conruing that fact. The island has, you might say, struction and a market of such buoyancy that ‘un-roughened’ itself rather spectacularly. A is now able to attract buyers way from tradiprocess which started with the arrival of the tional hotspots like England, Spain, Florida airport. It now boasts a plethora of Internaand Western Australia. The latest figures cite tional standard hotels and resorts and it draws an expatriate population in excess of 25,000. its millions of annual visitors from virtually ev- Hence the rush to build state of the art golf ery country in the world. Indeed some would courses, plush villa complexes, International say it now rivals its traditional big brothers, schools and high-tech business parks.

Phuket and Bali in that category. Distressing news for the hippies, who kept their side of Some people worry about the sheer ace of the the bargain by moving to neighbouring, Koh island’s development. That with the construcPhangan and Koh Lanta on the West Coast. tion of so many back garden swimming pools, Samui will surely sink into the sea. And it’s And whilst the airport is still one of the cutest true, s with all construction boom towns, the you will ever see, with its beautiful open air local saloons boast more than a few Stetsonterminal buildings and manicured lawns, an clad builders selling their dubious dreams to extension to the runway has opened the door impressionable on-line investors. But in my for Thai operator Bangkok Airways to comple- opinion the sort of people, who can afford to ment its original propeller fleet with small jets. spend anything between 200,000 USD and 18

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2,000,000 USD on a slice of paradise without even making a site visit, deserve to be fleeced. The best advice is probably look around for a developer who actually lives in one of his or her own complexes, or, better still, has a Samuian on the board of directors.

I make no great bones about being a big fan of Samui. Every time I go there I wish I could afford to buy a piece of it before it’s too late. Prices have risen steadily over the last 10 years but it’s still true to say that for what you would pay to own a crappy little one-bedroom flat above a fish and chip shop in some godforsaken provincial suburb in England, you can still get a 3-bedroomed luxury villa with all the trimmings here in Samui. No sweat.

These days the fashionable investors are buying plots on inland developments within a quick drive or a healthy evening stroll of the beaches, rather than paying high premiums for a saltin-the-nostrils location. You might not get that Malibu-de-bum-bum experience that the rock stars so enjoy, but you get far more square meters for your money. Wherein lies one of Samui’s greatest ironies. For 30 years ago (the first tourist didn’t arrive until the mid-70’s) the island’s main wealth lay in its lush coconut plantations, which were, and still are, mainly located inland.

Hence local families would reward their ‘good’ offspring with bequests of fertile inland plots, as a reward for being goodie goodies. Whilst the naughty ones were fobbed off with the ‘rubbish’ beachside plots. Who says the meek are going to inherit the earth?

More about: www.samuiholiday.com Getting there: Bangkok Airways flies from a variety of locations seven days a week: www.bangkokair.com for details.

Living there: Call Holiday Property Abroad on +66 89 047 6348 or visit their website www.holidaypropertyabroad.com (buy me one, please) 19

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Holiday Property Abroad – Villa rentals on the island of Koh Samui, Thailand.

We have a great selection of rental villas to choose from – With the best deals and the knowledge to be able to make your Villa vacation dream come true.

If you can’t find what you like on our website, contact us with your details and we will look for you!

www.holidaypropertyabroad.com email: info@holidaypropertyabroad.com phone: (+66) 089 047 6348

Book your New Year holiday – Be first to get the best deals!

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Samui Holiday

Back in the 1970s the word ‘Samui’ was known only to a few of the most adventurous backpackers eager to explore this little known and tricky to reach island. Then, a basic thatched bungalow with generator power and running water was considered luxury. Nowadays, 5-star resorts, that rival any world-class destination, occupy the prime beachfront and clifftop locations bringing the jetsetter crowd to this now well-known and easily accessible island in the Gulf of Thailand.

Samui is Thailand’s third largest island, yet mea sures just 21 kilometres at its widest point and 25 at its longest. A ring-road runs around the island for approximately 50 kilometres and links the many beaches and bays, so hiring a car or scooter is recommended, as it’s the best way to explore. Don’t be afraid to venture down an unmarked palm-lined track – this is how you come across some of Samui’s best kept secret beaches.

And it’s beaches after all that bring visitors to a tropical island, and those visitors will not be disappointed with Samui’s selection of bays and coves - from long stretches of white sand, to small coves, protected by giant boulders.

Samui’s eastern and northern shores are the

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most populated, and Chaweng is the busiest beach, with hardly a gap along the beachfront between restaurants, resorts and bars. At night, the beach takes off her sundress and glams up with her evening dress, completes with diamond earrings – metaphorically speaking that is. As the sun sets, sun-loungers are replaced with tables set out at the water’s edge. The aroma of sunscreen is replaced by the mouth-watering smells wafting from the open seafood barbecues on the beach. Sunglasses come off, first to view the brilliant sunsets, and later to gaze at the moon over the bay, or the fairy lights and lanterns lighting up the beach and palm trees.

As developed as Samui has become in some areas, what’s good to know is that the island observes a quaint building regulation – no building may be higher than the closest coconut palm. Now while these palms can get quite tall, this is still a far cry from the skyscrapers that line Phuket’s (Thailand’s biggest island) shore, and most resorts are still of the villa or bungalow style. If you’re looking for a slower pace, head west and south and get a feel of what Samui must have been like a few decades ago.

Another beach worth visiting is Choeng Mon at the north-eastern tip of the island. Frequented by expats, this is an ideal family beach, with just enough vendors to be convenient when you’re looking for a snack or drink, but not enough to bother you. South of Chaweng, before Samui’s second largest beach of Lamai, are two small coves, namely Crystal Bay and Coral Cove.

Samui has more to offer visitors and residents than just glorious beaches. Golf enthusiasts will delight in the views on offer from the challenging Santiburi Golf Club, high up in the hills above Maenam. There’re other golfing options available on the island too, including mini golf, and believe it or not, football golf.

There’s a fair selection of adrenalin sports, both on land and in water too.

accommodation-wise. From tiny beach bungalows, with not more than a hammock swinging between two trees, to luxury establishments offering the best of everything as well as all types of rooms in between, you’ll find it on Samui. There’s traditional to contemporary, family-friendly to hip and happening and allinclusive resorts to self-catering establishments too.

One of the best parts of travelling is trying new food.

Whether it’s Thai food you’re after or international cuisine, Samui’s chefs can prepare it for you. Be sure to try a walking street market during your stay too.

Fancy a night out on the town? Well the busier areas such as Chaweng and Lamai are home to a vast selection of night clubs, bars and cabaret shows. But you don’t have to wait until evening to party, with venues such as Nikki Beach on the west coast, and Beach Republic on the east coast, hosting DJs from lunchtime as guests mingle, dine and laze by the beachfront pools.

There’s plenty to see too during your stay, from viewpoints to temples and religious sites and butterfly gardens to Muay Thai boxing matches. There’s so much to see and do, that’s it’s best to make a list of your favourites so you don’t miss out.

Shopaholics won’t be disappointed with the retail therapy on offer. From bargaining at market stands to buying local designer-wear or original souvenirs made on Samui , you’ll find just what you’re looking for. Samui may not have big shopping malls (yet), but that doesn’t mean shopping can’t be fun and rewarding as you wander along the shopping strips set back from the beaches. Of course, you can have a suit tailor-made too in just a day or two. Who would have thought?

Whether you’re planning an action-packed holiday, or

Prefer something a little less energetic? Well Samui has become known as a spa, detox and pampering hub of Southeast Asia.

Whether you’re after a full detox program or just a day of ‘me time’, you’ll find a vast array of spas to choose from. You can’t go wrong with a 300 baht massage on the beach too. a time to unwind with the family, you can find all the Whether you’re a backpacker, a flashpacker or a 5-star- information you require at www.samuiholiday.com. It all-the-way kind of traveller, again, Samui will please will even tell you how to get here …

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HOW TO GET TO SAMUI Fancy the Holiday of a Lifetime?

Koh Samui could be the place for YOU! Why Samui? What makes this tropical island in the Gulf of Thailand so popular, welcoming around one million tourists annually via air and ferry. An overview of this amazing island of coconuts, its beaches, and what it has to offer the holidaymaker.

Read more about the beaches on Samui...

http://www.samuiholiday.com/samuiinbrief.html

How do you get here?

As Samui is an island, it goes without saying that flight or ferry are your only options. Here you will find advice on not only the quickest and easiest way to reach Samui by air, but also budget options that involve trains, busses and finally ferries. It doesn’t matter HOW you get here, just get here!

http://www.samuiholiday.com/ gettingto.html 24

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Koh Samui has something for everyone‌ As well as enjoying the natural beauty that is everywhere on Koh Samui, there are also many interesting and exciting aspects of island life to explore; some traditions having remained unchanged for centuries. And, of course, there is a wide variety of fascinating local temples to visit and some of them may surprise you!

http://www.samuiholiday.com/attractions.html

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WORLD NEWS

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The Squealer picks the funniest and downright weirdest stories from the world’s papers.

Vourde, the Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a “four-legged flame thrower” and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay. Damage to the farm was assessed at 300,000 USD. The cow was unharmed.

This Smells Odd

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal gasoline, but had plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

Spelling Errors and Wrong Notes

A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of a deposit slip wrote, “this iz a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, the man began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and might call the police before he could reach the teller. So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there, he handed his not to the teller. After reading it, the teller determined that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic. She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, she could not honour his demand. He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America. Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later…still waiting in line at the Bank of America.

A Little Gas

A Dutch Veterinarian was fined 800 Euro (about a 1000 USD) for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten

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A Sign That You Are Not Wanted

A wife hit her cheating husband where it hurts - by changing the sign over his favourite pub to: “Paul, I am divorcing you.”

The Noah’s Yard in Swansea, South Wales, has a magnetic shop sign which can change its lettering, reports The Mirror.So the scorned woman persuaded the landlord to let her use it to name and shame her partner after discovering his infidelity.

The fuming wife later changed the sign to read: “Btw, I am keeping the dog.” The unnamed woman, a regular at Noah’s Yard, said: “I was angry and upset so wanted a sign to go up for everyone to see.” We have been together for years and it is so sad it has come to this. I am absolutely devastated and going through a really tough time at the moment.”I did feel a bit better once the sign went up. I wanted to name and shame him.”

Owner Noah Redfern, 36, said this was the first time they had been asked to end a marriage - and insisted it was genuine.Noah said: “Maybe this will become a new way of asking for a divorce!”We have had a lot of interest in it from customers who have been asking about the story behind the sign.”

ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SMARTARSE QUIPPERY

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

D is for ‘Dancing’…

“I did everything Fred Astaire did – except backwards and in high heels.”

(Ginger Rogers) “I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.” (Gary Valentine)

…and for ‘Death’…

“My Grandfather was killed at Custer’s last stand. He was camping in the next file and went over to complain about the noise.” (Joey Adams) “In India when a man dies, his widow throws herself on the funeral pyre. In England she says , ‘Fifty ham baps, Connie – you slice, I’ll butter.” (Victoria Wood)

…and for ‘Democracy’…

“The best argument against democracy is a five – minute conversation with the average voter.” (Winston Churchill)

…and for ‘Dentists’…

“I am always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”

(Paul Merton)

…and for ‘Dating’...

‘I went out on a first date, but I don’t think I will be seeing her again. She got mad when I didn’t open the car door. I just swam to the surface.” (Emo Philips)

…and for ‘Divorce’…

“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

…and for ‘Driving’…

“When I dance, people think I’m looking or my keys.” (Ray Barone)

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FEATURE - MAXINE SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

John Wagner—or “Arty-Boy” as Maxine likes to call him—says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when “fill in the pumpkins” was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School he attended in Leonia, N.J. John remembers doodling as a preschooler, and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston, and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group.

But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John’s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

“Cartoonists are sensitive to the insanities of the world; we just try to humanize them,” John says. “If Maxine can get a laugh out of someone who feels lonely or someone who is getting older and hates the thought of another birthday, or if she can make someone chuckle about stressful interpersonal relationships, then I’m happy. Putting a smile on someone’s face is what it’s all about.”

Those smiles have led to Maxine’s becoming a bit of a celebrity.

She (and John) have been the subject of media stories, including People, USA Today, Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, St. Petersburg (FL) Times, and Las Vegas Journal-Review, and they have been included in a major Associated Press story. Collector and trade publications have reported that fans nationwide are collecting Maxine items. Letters from consumers and fans to John and Maxine reveal a very personal connection to Maxine.

Many people say they are just like Maxine. Why the name “Max-

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ine”? “People at Shoebox started referring to the character as ‘John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,” John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character, and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested “Maxine.” John says the name is perfect. John, who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s proud of her.

Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.

(Courtesy of Maxine.com) https://www.facebook.com/maxine www.maxine.com

FEATURE - MAXINE SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

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VINTAGE COMEDY SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

A Brief History of Film Comedy (Part IV) The 1980’s The 80’s churned out what are considered today as some of the best movies ever made. The decade was groundbreaking, introducing new and different styles of filmmaking and giving us movies that are now celebrated as well – loved classics.

man’s transformation in Dorothy in ‘Tootsie’ (’82) and we fell in love with Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah in ‘Splash’ (’84).

Heralding the arrival of the worst-dressed decade, yet the best ever for movies and, for some would even argue, music, we greeted the 80’s laughing with ‘Airplane’ (80) and saw them off crying with ‘When Harry Met Sally’ (’89). In between we met actors such as Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray and Tom Hanks and watched them become some of Hollywood’s most bankable stars. We were endeared to Dudley Moore in ‘Arthur’ (’81), all the kids wanted to be Mathew Broderick in Ferris Buellers day Off’ (’86) or Bill Murray in ‘Ghostbusters’ (’84). We marveled at Dustin Hoff-

Dominated by Hollywood and the inimitable blockbuster, the 80’s were all about “me”, about feeling good and making money and Wall Street (’87) is perhaps a perfect example of the feeling of that time. The 80s also introduced, a new genre-action comedy- dominated by the cheeky and incredibly hot Eddie Murphy, whose fast talking, seductive character was cracking jokes and getting up to mischief one minute, then shooting everything up the next. Already a big success in stand-up comedy (Thanks to Saturday Night Live) he starred in a handful of movies in the 80s that really defined the decade as well as the genre. First was ’48 Hours’ (’82) – a modern version of the buddy film format. Next came ‘Trading Places’ (’82) with its message that whilst greed is certainly good, revenge is even better. Then ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ (’84) the film that Murphy is still probably best known for, that was followed by a sequel in ’84 and a third instal-

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ment in ’94. Another 48 Hours appeared in 1990.

the top music videos.

Comedy also found its way into action adventure in such classics as bad-boy-makes-good-by-joiningthe-army film, ‘Stripes’ (’81) starring Bill Murray and in ‘Romancing The Stone’ starring, then heartthrobs, Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner (’84) followed by the superb (I don’t care what anyone says!) ‘Back To The Future’ series (’85-’90) with kiddie heartthrob Michael J Fox.

All the way down under, Paul Hogan suddenly became the most famous Australian in the world when ‘Crocodile Dundee’ found unexpected worldwide success in ’86, in his action comedy about a bushbased Aussie trying to adapt to life in New York City.

It was followed by two unimpressive sequels, but it gave Paul Hogan a good measure of success and a stepping stone into Hollywood.

Film comedy also found a darker side in the 80’s, in films like ‘Gremlins’ (’84) where the cute, furry Mogwai turned into something much more frightening (just add water) and then in Tim Burton’s classic ‘Beetlejuice’ (’88) that starred Michael Keaton in the title role as a troublesome corpse and Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis as a recently deceased couple trying to rid their house of its new, alive occupants. These films were all big and expensive but made extra money by continuing with the money spinning trend that ‘Star Wars’ started in the late 70s- movie merchandise.

Parody was also a popular genre in this decade. With ‘Airplane!’ leading the way. ‘Top Secret!’ followed in ’84, then the ‘Naked Gun’ series from ’88-’94, all starring Lesley Nielsen and based on a spin- off of the TV series “police Squad’. In ’81 Mel Brooks poked fun at the epic with ‘History of the World Part 1’ and again in ‘Spaceballs’ in ’87, which took off ‘Star Wars’ and featured characters such as The Dark Helmet (Darth Vader). Even rock ‘n’roll got a good seeing to in ‘This Is Spinal Tap’ (’84) one of the first ‘mockumentary’s ‘ seen in the cinema, that made fun of rocker’s prima donna personalities, drama queen hissy fits and over

In England meanwhile, the 80s proved to be a decade about quality rather than quantity. A period despite its flaws, at least produced the cult classic ‘Withnail and I’ (86) Considered to be one of the best hangover films of all time, the story is set in London’s seedy Camden Town in 1969, focusing on the sordid and mostly drunken escapades of two out of work actors who try and escape from themselves and their bleak lives by going to the country for a holiday. Here they experience similarly wretched living conditions, staying in a tumble down cottage, devoid of light, heat and food, with nothing to do, as usual, but to go out and get drunk. The famous scene in the cake shop (Balls! We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them now.” Is still imitated by students today, who also presumably enjoy a “Camberwell Carrot” of an afternoon.

It is likely that Bruce Robinson, director and writer of the movie, drew on his own experiences as a struggling actor to write the script. With the support of George Harrison’s company, Handmade Films (that was also responsible for Monty Python’s ‘Life of Brian’) he secured his two lead actors and made the movie, hiring the talent of Ralph Brown, to play the

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on a bank heist gone wrong and Curtis (The bank robber’s double crossing girlfriend) tries to seduce Cleese (the robber’s lawyer) in order to get a key that belongs to a safe contacting the money. Cleese however, unwittingly falls for the bright and youthful Curtis and finds himself embroiled in the middle of the action. Staying true to the spirit of the Ealing Comedy. Cleese was relatively successful in realizing his dream.

So we find ourselves at the end of the 80s, with one of the best rom-com’s of our time and the most unforgettable fake orgasm in the history of cinema.

When ‘Harry Met Sally’, starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan may be over 20 years old, but is undoubtedly still a favourite for millions of fans he world over.

1980’s the era of the loved classics.

perpetually stoned and slightly dangerous dealer (Don’t get uptight with man. Cause if you do, I’ll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you’ll know you’ve been spoken to.” And Richard Griffiths, to paly Withnail’s eccentric and predatory homosexual Uncle Monty. Despite relatively poor box office takings, ‘Withnail & I’ proved highly successful in video rentals and became a cult classic spawning various sideline activities including the Withnail drink-along game in which the players have to drink at the same time as the characters on the screen, and keep up with them. (Note: it’s best probably to avoid the lighter fuel scene).

The other British classic to come out of the 80s was the considerably less depressing ‘A Fish Called Wanda’ (’88) directed by Charles Crichton, of Ealing Comedy Fame, former Monty Python John Cleese wanted to make a perfect English comedy and so enlisted the help of Crichton and cast himself and Michael Palin (also an ‘ex’ python) alongside American actors Kevin Kline and Jamie Lee Curtis. The story is based

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MOBILE MISHAPS SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

Spectacular examples of when texting goes wrong…

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“The funky café with a twist!”

A full café menu, accompanied with high class cuisine…The English style Fish & Chips will blow your mind! The A La Carte menu will delight your senses and there is plenty to choose from the Fine Wines, Beers and Champagne on offer, there is most definitely something for everyone at The Red Brick Café.

Fully air-conditioned restaurant, with a Kiddies Corner with entertainment for the younger ones…giving parents a chance to enjoy themselves and relax a little. Fast WIFI and Flat screen TV’s.

You can find us in the Boonjumnong Apartment complex (also home to Wine Connection and The Irish Times), adjacent to Tesco Lotus Chaweng.

We look forward to seeing you soon!

Tel: 077 484 980 Email: redbrickcafe@hotmail.com

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DATES FOR YOUR DIARY SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

DECEMBER 2013 5 8 9 15 16 20 21 30

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DECEMBER DECEMBER DECEMBER DECEMBER DECEMBER DECEMBER DECEMBER DECEMBER

– NINJA DAY – CHORAL DAY – TECHNO DAY – CAT HERDERS DAY – CHOCOLATE COVERED ANYTHING DAY – GO CAROLING DAY – HUMBUG DAY – BACON DAY

DATES FOR YOUR DIARY SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

JANUARY 2014 1 JANUARY – BLOODY MARY DAY 3 JANUARY – DRINKING STRAW DAY 6 JANUARY – BEAN DAY 7 JANUARY – TEMPURA DAY 9 JANUARY – STATIC ELECTRICITY DAY 13 JANUARY – RUBBER DUCK DAY 15 JANUARY – HAT DAY 22 JANUARY – ANSWER CAT QUESTIONS DAY 24 JANUARY – BELLY LAUGH DAY 27 JANUARY – BUBBLE WRAP DAY 31 JANUARY – BACKWARD DAY

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

COMEDY GREATS

Joanna Lumley Still fabulous after all these years

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On the 1st of May this year, the venerated English rose Joanna Lumley, celebrated her 67th birthday. And yet it only seems like yesterday that this iridescent actress, the subject of very hormonal English schoolboy’s secret nocturnal stirrings in the 1970’s, was high kicking her way across TV screens in the inimitably sultry guise of ‘Purdy’ in ‘The New Avengers’. Whilst younger and less frustrated people will inevitably associate Lumley with her iconic performance some 20 years later, as the outrageous, chain-smoking, vodkaswilling, toy boy-shagging Patsy in the multi-award winning comedy ‘Absolutely Fabulous’, this career-boosting role actually came to her relatively late in life.

Up until then, Lumley had looked set to become her generation’s version of the late, great Diana Dors, Who for anyone unfamiliar with England’s celebrity fringes in the 1950s and 60s, was famous for being, well….Diana Dors. The sort of woman your Mam liked and your Dad fancied. A woman who was famous for being famous, but without any significant acting roles to her credit. Lumley appeared to be following a very similar career path. You knew who she was (and that she had dated Rod Stewart) but you couldn’t really remember any of her film and television credits other than her part in ‘The New Avengers’, which to be fair, was only ever a pale imitation of the original ‘Avengers’ series in the 1960s.

Like Dors, she was celebrity enough to adorn the guest chairs of prime time game shows like ‘Blankety Blank ‘ and ‘Give Us A Clue’ but had yet to leave a true artistic imprint etched on our memories. In 1992 fate lent a hand.

Jennifer Saunders had written ‘Absolutely Fabulous’, but her long-time comedy collaborator, Dawn French, was contracted to do ‘Murder Most Horrid’ – a show which, despite the undeniable comedic talents of writers Steven Moffat and Graham Alborough, was ultimately overshadowed by Saunders’ tremendous sit-com creation.

Lumley stepped into the breach and went from being a prim and proper English rose, to a drunken, foul-mouthed, rip-roaring,

comedy diva. Maybe it was the element of surprise – there were very few shows around with all the lead roles being played by women – but audiences instantly fell in love with their devil-may-care attitudes and scarily outrageous antics. Particularly the character played by Lumley. A fantastic new female comedy persona had been born.

Patsy was her name.

However, there is more to Lumley than meets the eye.

Like many well-known English people, Lumley neglected to be born in England. She was born in Srinagar in the Kashmir region of India. Her quintessential Englishness may be partly due to the fact that her father was a British Army Major in the Gurkhas. In her teenage years, the young Joanna was packed off to St Mary’s Anglican Convent School in the Sussex coastal town of Hastings. We can assume that this was a school of the fee- paying variety, as people rarely broadcast a state education. It was most certainly the sort of institution which knew how to install in its pupils a level of diction and an accent which would set them apart from their working class contemporaries. Lumley’s plummy, seductive tones were to become her trademark and in her career she would go on to specialize in upper class parts.

Tall, leggy, blonde and undeniably goodlooking, it comes as no surprise that she stared out as a photographic model, and then got her first big break on the big

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4 other for so long; the truth is they absolutely despised each other.”

Then followed a series of appearances in TV shows such as ‘Coronation Street’ and ‘Are You Being Served’, the she was altered to the casting of the remake of the successful 1963 comedy/ adventure series ‘The Avengers’. A series, which, after many late nights of brainstorming, the producers decided to call, ‘The New Avengers’.

screen as a Bond film and all this just eighteen months after she had had her first and only child. The father’s name was Michael Claydon, a fashion photographer. The liaison was brief. And whilst the media like to dwell on the so-called permissiveness of the 1960’s, the fact is, to be an unmarried mother at that time was socially unacceptable. It’s certainly difficult to imagine the nuns from her school being particularly impressed.

Her role as Bond girl was in the 1969 film ‘On her Majesty’s Secret Service’ (the crap one with George Lazenby starring in it) in which she was credited with playing ‘The English Girl’. A role which essentially meant catching 007’s eye across the room, flirting briefly, shagging him and then getting murdered a couple of scenes later. To call it a “starring role’ would perhaps be a little too grandiose a term, especially when you consider the cast list also included ‘The Scandinavian Girl’, ‘The Chinese Girl’, ‘The Jamaican Girl’, ‘The American Girl’, ‘The Indian Girl’, ‘The Australian Girl’, ‘The Israeli Girl’ and ‘The German Girl’. All of whom ‘starred’ in the only film in the series in which Bond gets married!

Having said that, Lumley did have that posh English accent to set her apart and there was even talk for a while of her becoming the next ‘Miss Money penny’. She later ruefully reflected that “The call never came.”

The following year she starred in the raunchy/ slightly explicit ‘Games That Lovers Play’. It got mixed reviews, but it was where he met her first husband Jeremy Lloyd. They married in May 1970, but it was not to last long and they divorced in September.

Guessing that Lumley’s Dad, the Major, was not too happy about having to pay for that one.

The early seventies promised a lot for Lumley but never really delivered. In the memorable 60s/ 70s British sit-com ‘Steptoe and Son’ she played Harold’s middle-class, respectable girlfriend.

Lumley’s part was brief but she learnt a lot from the experience, particularly the need to occasionally rise above personal differences in order to deliver a professional performance. A lesson she garnered by observing the relationship between the show’s two principle characters, Harry H Corbett and Wilfred Bramble, about which she once commented: “people often wonder how they found the inspiration to be so convincingly rude to each

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Lumley was determined to land the role of ‘Purdy’, the reincarnation of the ‘Miss Peel’ role made famous in the original by Diana Rigg. Her determination paid off. She called in a few favours to land an audition and as soon as the show’s directors saw her, he was smitten. She looked stunning.

With her pudding bowl blonde hair ( a style which was and still is, known as ‘a Purdy’ her black leather outfits and just the right hint of posh dominatrix, she made the part her own.

She was beautiful, elegant and sophisticated and yet she could fight like a female version of Bruce Lee. Men fancied her. Women wanted to be her. The perfect role. The show quickly built up a cult following and still has many fans today.

When the “New Avengers’ ended in 1979, Joanna starred alongside Davis McCallum in the quirky British sci-fi series ‘Sapphire and Steel’ which ran for 3 years. Thereafter she kept herself busy with bit parts in various films, appearances on ‘The Morecambe and Wise Show’ and a range of fringe theatre productions. By 1986, she was ready for a break and took a career sabbatical for the first time, when, in her own words, she surprised herself by falling in love and marrying an orchestra conductor by the name of Stephen Barlow.

She returned to acting in 1989 with a part in the award-winning film ‘Shirley Valentine’ This was followed by the 1991 TV miniseries ‘A Perfect Hero’ in which Lumley was able to pitch in her posh English accent alongside those of Nigel Havers and James Fox. 1992 saw her appearing in a few episodes of the BBC’s truly awful Sunday night programme ‘Lovejoy’ a show starring Ian McShane (now a bigwig actor in the States) as a crime busting antiques dealer in rural Suffolk.

But again, in her defence, it was work. And it was hardly her fault that Sunday night television had become a subterfuge by the British government to lull the public into an intellectual coma on the eve of a new working week. (‘The Darling Buds Of May’, ‘Heartbeat’, ‘Last of the Summer Wine’, ‘Highway’. The evidence is overwhelming.)

So when ‘Absolutely Fabulous gate-crashed the scene in 1992, it was so exhilarating it was almost hallucinogenic. Like the proverbial ‘breath of fresh air’ it set about destroying the prevailing greyness of John Major’s politically correct Britain and mocking the piety and self-righteousness of Tony Blair long before anyone had realized quite how pious and self-righteous he was going to become.

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3 Lumley played the role of Patsy (full name: Eurydice Colette Clytemestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais Patricia “Patsy” Cocteau Stone) and as the commentator Chris lley once said, “Joanna Lumley pre-Patsy as a marble- in- the- mouth posh totty. Elegant. Straight. As the champagne-guzzlin, wake-up-with-a-fagin-her-mouth fashion director who got her job because she slept with the publisher, she sent herself up deliciously and became a new kind of fantasy. She showed what men could only have dreamt was on the inside, something very dirty.”

In much the same way as Simon Nye’s ‘Men Behaving Badly’, a show concerned mainly with Stella Artois and sex, had appealed to the male psyche, Ab Fab dared to portray women with similar primal instincts, and became an even greater hit with female audiences.

Which isn’t to say its appeal wasn’t unisex; it was. The quality of Saunders’ writing (assisted by Dawn French and Sue Perkins) ensured that. It coined no end of catchphrases, from Patsy’s “Pass me a bottle of Bolly darling”, to Edina’s “I’m entering the building now” (uttered into her brick-sized mobile phone on the few occasions she actually made it into work). And any show which contains lines like ‘It is called colonic irrigation and it is not to be sniffed at”, and Patsy’s defiant “One snap of my fingers and I could raise hemlines so high the world’s your gynecologist”, must have merits.

Lumley’s dramatic transformation from prim-posh-totty to fashmag-slag was startlingly quick. Almost as if the English rose of acting had demurely allowed herself to be pruned by her alterego’s wickedness. And whilst Lumley has on many occasions admitted to being “a highly willing lamb to the slaughter”, she will probably always be remembered now as Patsy.

Absolutely Fabulous went on to run until 2012, never losing its appeal, although some may say that they should have left their

audiences hungry, but then again, as one commentator so succinctly put it, “They’re still hungry! For comedy of that quality they will always be hungry.

Since the heady Ab Fab days, Lumley has carried on working extensively with TV, but more recently has seen her become best known for her support of the Gurkhas and the supporter of many other charities, including the ‘Free Tibet Campaign’, ‘The Born Free Foundation’, ‘Mind’ and ‘Action Aid.’ In March 2013 Lumley was voted by the Guardian Newspaper as ‘Best Dressed Woman over 50’ an a survey once asked a total of 200,000 women in 7 different European countries were asked to name the female television personality they would most like to be and Joanna came in first with a whopping 33% of the vote. What they meant of course was that they wanted to be like Patsy. As the late, great Noel Coward once said,” The greatest skill in acting, aside from the ability to avoid falling over the props, is to make yourself and the character you are playing, one and the same.”

Something Lumley has done more than once in her long and illustrious career.

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FABULOUS FOTOBOMBS SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

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HOMER TRUTHS Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’

Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals!

Except the weasel.

Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.

I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If46 something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing

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JUST THOUGHTS SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

Scots Wha Hae Wi’ Wallace Bled….blah, blah, blah With New Year’s Eve fast approaching, Joe Swain rues the day Scotland invented Hogmanay.

It’s difficult to imagine a more controversial historical figure than the English monarch Edward 1. The psychopathic soldier-king known famously – owing to his physical stature – as ‘Longshanks’, but more infamously, for his unsavoury habit of dicing small Scottish children into bite sized pieces, as the ‘Butcher of Falkirk’. His battles with the rebel William Wallace- portrayed by that chameleon of mediaeval accentry Mel Gibson – inspired the Hollywood blockbuster Braveheart. You might remember Gibson’s famous line when standing atop a muddy knoll in a tattered kilt, his face painted blue and his Scottish accent coach Jocky ‘I did Scottie from Star Trek ‘ Mc Schwarzkopf, just out of shot, he shouted at the English army: “Och, you can take our lands and you can even take our lives, but I’ll tell you this fa free – you’ll never take us seriously”.

In light of people like Longshanks, it’s hardly suprising the English aren’t traditionally Scotland’s most welcomed people. Last year I discovered how difficult it can be to get served in a Glaswegian pub without revealing my English accent. Eventually my prolonged display of nodding, eyebrow wobbling and unfortunate choice of the ‘wine-glass=being-raised-to-the-mouth’ mime (try it now and I think you will see what I mean) proved infinitely more dangerous than my soft southern accent.

Not that I’m an English apologist either – the sort who do that Dawn French sympathy look in the Indian Takeaway and say things like: “I’ll have a chicken korma please. Oh, and awfully sorry about the Raj. Terrible business. “I think the Scots have managed a fair bit of revenge over the years. Turning a young Mel into the patron

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saint of all anti-English films was just the beginning (Gallipoli, The Patriot, Kevin and Perry Go Large, etc) Who can forget – or indeed forgivethe Scots for The Crankies, the evil husband and dwarf comedy duo whose unprovoked appearances on Crackerjack in the 70’s turned a whole generation of Englih School children into rampant bedwetters. Closely followed by the Bay City Rollers, Supergran, Rod Stewart and of course Sheena Easton. And it’s not to mention the way the 100,000 strong tartan army used to put the suddenly nonexistent English football hooligans to shame every year by taking over Wembley stadium.

And, to add insult to injury, invariably taking little pieces of it home with them as souvenirs. By far the most effective single act of Caledonian revenge however is a thing the Scots call ‘Hogmanay’. Which, despite anything you may read about the noble traditions of ‘first footing’ or pagan sun worship, is really nothing more than a highly successful ruse to ensure that the Scots get one more day off work for New Year than the English. Allegedly, and this is the genius of the whole scam, they don’t actually start celebrating until the stroke of midnight on the 31st December, when they all go round to each other’s houses with a few lumps of coal and in exchange for these highly useful gifts, are rewarded with their very first drink of the evening.

Yeah, right. Then the celebrations continues with much jigging and singing until the early hours. And just because they didn’t start their festivities until a little later than their southern counterparts, they get an extra day off work to recover. At least Dick Turpin wore a mask.

As an occasional drinker myself, I secretly have nothing but respect for the Scots fiendish scheme –it’s just that I refuse to fall for all that ‘temperance til midnight’ rubbish. It might have fooled the crusties at the ‘Department of Public Holidays’ but not me. I mean really; if everyone is meant to be out ‘visiting’ at the stroke of midnight, how come they don’t all bump into each other in the village square?

But I suppose at least Hogmanay gives Australian backpackers something to look forward to after the Munich beer festival. And, as they say, if you can’t beat them join them. So I’ve hatched a fiendish plan and a detailed letter to the people at the Equal Opportunities Commission. All that remains is to find some of those bearded-loon English Morris Dancers and persuade them to hold back on the scrumpy until midnight. Camels and needles I know, but as Robert the Bruce once said, “If at first you don’t succeed…”

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THE DAILY SPOON SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

EU EXTENDS “SELL-BY DATE” RULES TO NON FOOD ITEMS

In a dramatic move aimed at harmonizing sell-by and use-by dates on products other than food, the mandarins (sadly no use-by date on these particular fruits) of Brussels have imposed rules to cover an extended range of non-food products.

The EU Commissioner responsible for the initiative, Lackov Branesells said: “I was struggling with a supply of money to spend, but nothing to spend it on, made even more difficult now that we have to account for our personal expenses. I had a meeting with your prime minister and he suggested that I could use some of his panel of over-paid consultants who have sucked fortunes out of your public pure for years. He said they would be excellent at charging us a fortune.”

“He mentioned these consultants would be more than interested in making even more money funded by hapless tax-payers, and if there was a chance of travelling first class to a plush office in the EU building in Brussels n order to come up with completely useless, yet nevertheless expensive initiatives, well, more the better.”

Expected to be included in the new initiative are: • • • • • • • • • • •

Tins of alphabetti-spaghetti to have a spell by date Expensive perfumes to have a smell by date Political scandals and stories to have a tell by date Trees to have a fell-by date Children with ASBO’s to have a yell-by date Computers to have a dell-by date Sport team members to have a gel-by date Mobile phone users to have a cell-by date Mothers-in-law to have a hell-by date NHS patients to have a well-by date Passengers suffering from travel sickness to have a quell-by date

RONALDO TO JOIN THE PORTUGUESE OLYMPIC DIVING TEAM

It was announced today the Real Madrid striker, Cristian Ronaldo, will join the Portuguese Olympic diving team. Ronald has been in training for almost a year now, doing spectacular swallow dives all across Spain, and is now ready to join the Olympic Team, who are flying to Russia next year.

His manager, Iker Casillas, said: ’The boy’s been doing well, he’s got his skill at running for a few yeards after a tackle, and then suddenly diving, down to perfection.’

Wayne Rooney has been heard to say that if it wasn’t for his huge beer belly and lack of fitness, he would consider ‘Diving for Britain’.

Professional African diver, Didier Drogba, has suggested that Ronaldo might not be good enough for international diving. ‘He just hasn’t got that I’ve-been-shot-by-a-sniper skill that I have, or that I’ve-had-a-massive-internal-haemorrhage-after-a-tap-on-the-ankle art, which is what is really needed. But I wish him well, and hope he learns how to roll around after a dive like a baby, something which I invented.’

But Ronaldo’s fellow Spanish footballing star, Xabi Alonsi, only had this to say about the Man United player: ‘What a big girl’s blouse.’

SCIENTISTS TO STOP RECRUITING NERDS

Scientists are to cease the age-old policy of only recruiting from the ranks of nerds, losers, geeks and wimps. Instead they will now seek future scientific geniuses from groups comprised of stoned teenagers, beauty queens, muscle men and surfers.

“We need to change the whole image of the stereotypical ‘scientist’”, said Professor Frankenstein of the University of Carpathia, Transylvania, “no more crazy-haired, ugly odd jobs. Gone are the days of white coat-wearing skinny guys with spectacles”.

To promote the new direction, the scientific community has elected David Hasselhof, Miley Cyrus and Lindsey Lohan as honorary ‘science dudes’.

Naturally, experts accept that the standard of inventions and scientific advancement will decrease but laboratories will look nicer and stuff.

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