I. Have. No. Words. Left. A N NA B E R G FO RS
I. Have. No. Words. Left.
ANNA BERGFORS
I. Have. No. Words. Left.
© Anna Bergfors 2021 Translation: Taylor Literacy Creations Publisher: BoD – Books on Demand, Stockholm, Sweden Printer: BoD – Books on Demand, Norderstedt, Germany ISBN: 978-91-8027-381-7
Table of Contents Prologue
7
I have no words left
9
The shadow
12
The mother of shame and guilt
14
Silence
16
Kidnapped
18
Away from life
20
Unable to feel
22
This constant absence
24
You get used to things
26
I see him everywhere
28
To close the door
30
What went wrong
32
You don’t want to ruin the mood
34
A pile of snow
36
Prologue
F
or Sebastian, Kevin and Joline. This prose collection was born from my need of comfort.
My need to put my feelings about my adult son’s addiction into
words. To write is to breathe. To write is to put words on your feelings so that they hurt less. When I write, I can breathe, and my thoughts scatter. Otherwise, the thoughts have this ability to eat you up, they chew and bite and they’re never silent, the thoughts churn and churn, different scenarios and perspectives. Not a silent moment. But when I write, they quiet down, settle and find their place. To write is to get comfort, the words calm you down and the feelings are organized and understood. The words comfort me, and I hope my words will give you comfort as well. With these words, I want you as a family member or friend to know that you’re not alone and there is no right or wrong in how we feel and what we feel.
7
I want you to let go of all your feelings of shame and guilt, because it’s not your fault as a family member or friend that the addict has an addiction. It’s pointless to talk about it being someone’s fault, to try to find a scapegoat, but it’s so easy to get stuck in it. We want to understand what happened, where did things go wrong? Your friend or family member’s addiction is not about you. It affects you too, and as family members or friends, we need to find a way to approach this to live a decent life, to find ways to cope that work for us. We will be using different coping mechanisms, but You have the right to live your life the way you want to, you have the right to be the lead role in your life. This prose collection will not help my son to get clean from his addiction, but it will help me breathe. I’d like to thank everyone that has supported me in one way or another through the process of publishing this prose collection, a special thank you to my beloved mother and artist Ann-Margret Johansson Petterson who has painted all the illustrations in the book, and a thank you to my source of inspiration and my favorite author Susanna Alakoski.
8
I have no words left
I
have no words left with so much to say. Words left unsaid. Words left unheard. Words only thought. Words only felt. I. Have. No. Words. Left. I’m out of words. But I can write those words. I’m planning for your funeral. I’ve done it for a while now. There’s a comfort in that. A release for my sorrow. Because I’m mourning. I mourn the things I miss. I mourn because I miss you. I truly miss you. I feel like a childless mother. Half a mother. A failure of a mother. Sometimes. Sometimes, I think that I may have failed, and sometimes, I think that you failed. I don’t know which is worst. But I can be a failure of a mother forever if it helps you. If it could bring you back. It’s strange to mourn those who are alive, it’s strange to plan a funeral for those who are living, but I will, because maybe I’ll be prepared if you die. When you die. When you die, I might die too. Somehow, I’ll probably die too. Sometimes, I think that things would be calmer if you died. That the worry and anxiety would ease. That maybe everything would fall silent and still. So that I can really mourn. So that I can tell you about my sorrow. Maybe the words will come back. So that I can talk about you and me. So that I can tell everyone what a wonderful and amazing person you are. The real you. The one who was kidnapped. The one I miss and mourn. The fun, and thoughtful you. 9
I’d really like for you to come back to life. To me, to Kevin, to grandma, to everyone who loves and misses you. We miss you. We love you. I miss you. I love you. Come back. Come home.
10
I have no words left with so much to say. Words left unsaid. Words left unheard. Words only thought. Words only felt. I. Have. No. Words. Left. I’m out of words. But I can write those words. I’m planning for your funeral. I’ve done it for a while now. There’s a comfort in that. A release for my sorrow.
***** This prose collection was born from my need of comfort. My need to put my feelings about my adult son’s addiction into words. The words comfort me, and I hope my words will give you comfort as well. With these words, I want you as a family member or friend to know that you’re not alone and there is no right or wrong in how we feel and what we feel. Your friend or family member’s addiction is not about you. It affects you too, and as family members or friends, we need to find a way to approach this to live a decent life, to find ways to cope that work for us. We will be using different coping mechanisms, but you have the right to live your life the way you want to, you have the right to be the lead role in your life. This prose collection will not help my son to get clean from his addiction, but it will help me breathe.
I. Have. No. Words. Left. is the writer Anna Bergfors’ debut book. Anna was born 1969 and lives in Eskilstuna, Sweden. Photo: Emma Friberg