RICHARD FLANAGAN Richard Flanagan was born in Tasmania in 1961. His novels Death of a River Guide, The Sound of One Hand Clapping, Gould’s Book of Fish, The Unknown Terrorist, Wanting and The Narrow Road to the Deep North have received numerous honours and are published in 42 countries. He won the Man Booker Prize for The Narrow Road to the Deep North in 2014.
ALSO BY RICHARD FLANAGAN
Death of a River Guide The Sound of One Hand Clapping Gould’s Book of Fish The Unknown Terrorist Wanting The Narrow Road to the Deep North
RICHARD FLANAGAN
First Person
1 3 5 7 9 10 816 34 52 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 Vintage
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Minutes of Evidence Minutes of Evidence Select Committee Select onCommittee Transportation on Transportation of Convicts of Convicts London, 5 MayLondon, 1837 5 May 1837 Question—Are Question—Are there many booksellers’ there many shops? booksellers’ shops? James Mudie,James Esq.—I Mudie, should Esq.—I thinkshould there are think about therehalf-aare about half-adozen in Sydney. dozen in Sydney. Question—What Question—What kind of books kind doofyou books see sold do you in those see sold in those shops; is the shops; class ofisbooks the class diffof erent books from diff what erentyou from seewhat sold you in see sold in booksellers’ shops booksellers’ in London? shops in London? James Mudie,James Esq.—Inferior Mudie, Esq.—Inferior certainly; there certainly; are many there are many novels, for instance. novels, for I have instance. attended I have what attended they call what book they sales call book sales myself, and Imyself, have always and Ifound have always that books foundreally that valuable books really havevaluable have sold for much sold lessforthan much theyless could thanhave theycost could in have England, cost and in England, and I remember Ionremember one occasion on one there occasion was a regular there was noise a regular in the noise in the room when room the Newgate when the Calendar Newgate was Calendar put up, was and put every up, and every person said, ‘A person h, I shall said, have ‘Ah,that!’ I shall have that!’ I forget whatI forget it brought, whatbut it brought, it brought butsomething it broughtenorsomething enormous . . . Then mous they . . are . Then fondthey of the are fond history of of thehighwaymen history of highwaymen or anything of or that anything kind. of that kind. British Parliamentary British Parliamentary Papers Papers
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Our first battle Our fi that day and that half d to do withtohim. do it seemed itblood seem obstruction—as obstrut written. Ofwritte cour wasn’t his point. wasn’t later, whenlater, I cam w also the end also of th m Too late, inToo ot These daysTh Ic loneliness that lonelin ac that I should thathav I this effect on thisme eff Back then Bac tho others thatothers I mi allegory, symbol, allego have a particular have a By whom IBy mean wh of Gene Paley. of Gen H tell a simple tellstor as dealt with dealt the cow illustrate by illustra way lingered longer lingere t
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Our first battle Our first wasbattle birth. was I wanted birth.itI in, wanted he wanted it in, he it out. wanted All it out. All that day and that half dayofand thehalf nextofwethe argued. next we Heargued. said it had He said nothing it had nothing to do withtohim. do with Laterhim. I began Later to Isee began his point, to see but his point, at the but timeat the time it seemed itbloody-mindedness seemed bloody-mindedness and evidence andofevidence an inexplicable of an inexplicable obstruction—as obstruction—as though he though didn’t actually he didn’t want actually any memoir want any ever memoir ever written. Ofwritten. course,Of hecourse, didn’t want he didn’t a memoir want awritten, memoirbut written, that but that wasn’t his point. wasn’tOr histhe point. point. Or But the Ipoint. only realised But I only thisrealised later, much this later, much later, whenlater, I came when to fear I came thattothe fearbeginning that the beginning of that book of was that book was also the end also of the me.end of me. Too late, inToo other late, words. in other words. These daysThese I content daysmyself I content with myself realitywith TV. reality There is TV. a void, Therea is a void, a loneliness that loneliness aches and thatrattles. aches and That rattles. frightens. ThatThat frightens. terrifiThat es meterrifies me that I should thathave I should lived have and never lived and did. never Realitydid. TVReality doesn’tTV have doesn’t have this effect on thisme. effect on me. Back then Back though, thenallthough, this wasallconfusing. this was confusing. It was feared It was by feared by others thatothers I might thatrelapse I might into relapse literature. into literature. By which By I mean which I mean allegory, symbol, allegory, thesymbol, tropes of thetime tropes dancing; of timeofdancing; books that of books didn’t that didn’t have a particular have a beginning particular beginning or end, or or at least end, or notatinleast thatnot order. in that order. By whom IBy mean whom theI publisher, mean the apublisher, man by the a man unexpected by the unexpected name name of Gene Paley. of Gene He had Paley. been Hequite had been specifi quite c in this specifi regard: c in this I was regard: to I was to tell a simple tellstory a simple simply, story andsimply, whereand it was where not simple—when it was not simple—when it it dealt with dealt the complexities with the complexities of the spectacular of the spectacular crime—simplify, crime—simplify, illustrate by illustrate way of by anecdote, way of anecdote, and never and havenever a sentence have athat sentence that lingered longer lingered thanlonger two lines. than two lines. 3
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It was whispered It was whispered around thearound publishing the publishing house thathouse Genethat Gene Paley wasPaley frightened was frightened of literature. of literature. And not without And not good without good reason. Forreason. one thing, For one it doesn’t thing, sell. it doesn’t For another, sell. Foritanother, can fairlyit can fairly be said that beitsaid asksthat questions it asks that questions it can’tthat answer. it can’t It answer. astonishes It astonishes people with people themselves, with themselves, which, on which, balance, onisbalance, rarely aisgood rarely a good thing. It reminds thing. Itthem reminds that them the business that theofbusiness life is failure, of life and is failure, and that the failure that the to know failurethis to know is truethis ignorance. is true ignorance. Maybe there Maybe is there is transcendence transcendence in all this, inorall wisdom this, orinwisdom some ofinit,some but Gene of it, but Gene Paley didn’tPaley see himself didn’t see in himself the transcendence in the transcendence game. Gene game. PaleyGene Paley was all forwas books all for telling books youtelling one oryou twoone things or two overthings and over over and over again. But again. preferably But preferably only one. only one. Selling, Gene Selling, PaleyGene would Paley say, would is telling. say, is telling. I opened the I opened manuscript the manuscript again and re-read again and there-read opening thelines. opening lines. On 17 MayOn 1983, 17 IMay signed 1983, myIapplication signed my application letter for theletter position for the of position of Acting Safety Acting Officer Safety (supervisor) Officer (supervisor) (Acting Class (Acting 4/5) at Class the 4/5) Australian at the Australian Safety Organisation, Safety Organisation, with two words, with two Siegfried words, Heidl, Siegfried and my Heidl, newand life my new life began. began. Only muchOnly latermuch did I discover later did that I discover Siegfried thatHeidl Siegfried had never Heidl had never existed until existed that day until hethat signed daythe he signed letter, so—strictly the letter, so—strictly speaking—speaking— it was an honest it was an account. honestBut account. the past Butis the always pastunpredictable is always unpredictable and, as I was and, to as learn, I wasnot to his learn, least not gift hisasleast a con gift man as awas conthat manhewas that he rarely lied.rarely lied. Ziggy Heidl’s Ziggy point Heidl’s of view pointwas of that viewhis wastwelve-thousandthat his twelve-thousandword manuscript—the word manuscript—the thin pile ofthin stacked pile of papers stacked on papers which he on which he would frequently would frequently press downpress withdown his outstretched with his outstretched hand as if hand as if it were a basketball it were a basketball to be bounced to beand bounced put back andinto putplay—said back into play—said everythingeverything that anyone thatwould anyone everwould be interested ever be interested in readingin reading about Ziggy about Heidl. Ziggy My Heidl. job as My a writer, job ashea went writer,on, hewas went simply on, was simply to sharpentohissharpen sentences, his sentences, and perhaps andelaborate perhaps here elaborate and there here and there a little on his a little account. on his account. He said this, Heassaid he this, said as so he much saidelse, so much with such else, with belief,such withbelief, with such confidence such confi and such denceconviction, and such conviction, that I foundthat it very I found diffiitcult very difficult to point out, to point as I had out,to,asthat I had histo, manuscript that his manuscript made no mention made no mention 4
of his childhood, of his birth. His reply birth.h A life isn’t A anl back to some backot never ends.never And whenAn Im of phrase, of Heidl phr Tebbe. It’s Tebbe one o What he lacke Wh conviction;convic and with facts,with albeif plausible because plausib pected angle. pected The great Ger Th I had no idea I haw or what anor instal wh reply. Maybe, reply. as h and the past andoftho thing new thing is our years later,years put it into the dust, intoheth I looked up.I lo Out of interes Ou up? up? Germany? Ge Zig went therewent untilt Australia. Austra Your accentYou is Roger that,Ro Z face back to facemeb otherwise otherw puffy tautness amidst tautne and out. and ou
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house Genethat Gene t good without good her, fairlyit can fairly wer. nishes It astonishes isgood rarely a good e, fe and is failure, and here . Maybe is there is Gene of it, but Gene ame. PaleyGene Paley gs d over over and over
helines. opening lines. tion for the of position of )tralian at the Australian dl, ewand life my new life
never Heidl had never king— rictly speaking— ys ctable unpredictable hat manhewas that he
usandwelve-thousandich ers he on which he dtched as if hand as if k—said into play—said eading ested in reading timply on, was simply ethere here and there
such , withbelief, with nd ffiitcult very difficult made ention no mention
of his childhood, of his childhood, his parentshis or parents even, fororthat even, matter, for that hismatter, year of his year of birth. His reply birth.has Hisremained reply haswith remained me, even withafter me, all even these after years. all these years. A life isn’t A anlife onion isn’ttoanbeonion peeled, to be a palimpsest peeled, a palimpsest to be scraped to be scraped back to some backoriginal, to sometruer original, meaning. truer It’s meaning. an invention It’s an invention that that never ends.never ends. And whenAnd I must when have I must looked have struck looked by his struck elaborate by his turn elaborate turn of phrase, of Heidl phrase, added, Heidl as ifadded, givingasdirections if giving to directions a publicto toilet: a public toilet: Tebbe. It’s Tebbe. one of It’s his one aphorisms. of his aphorisms. What he lacked What in hefacts, lacked heinmade facts,up hefor made withupanfor understated with an understated conviction;conviction; and what he andlacked what he in conviction lacked in conviction he made up he for made up for with facts,with albeitfacts, mostly albeit invented, mostly and invented, rendered and all rendered the more all the more plausible because plausible they because were they so lightly werethrown so lightly upthrown from anupunexfrom an unexpected angle. pected angle. The great German The greatinstallationist, German installationist, Heidl said.Heidl Tomassaid. Tebbe. Tomas Tebbe. I had no idea I had what no aidea palimpsest what a palimpsest might be. Or might whobe. Tebbe Or who was,Tebbe was, or what anor installationist what an installationist did, or was,did, andorsaid was, so.and Heidl saidmade so. Heidl no made no reply. Maybe, reply. as he Maybe, told me as he another told me time, another we take time, from we our takepast from our past and the past andofthe others past to of make othersourselves to make anew, ourselves and anew, the someand the something new thing is ournew memory is ourtoo. memory Tebbe,too. whom Tebbe, I only whom readI many only read many years later,years put itlater, best:put It may it best: be someone It may be else’s someone bloodelse’s soaking blood soaking into the dust, intohethe wrote, dust, but he wrote, I am that butdust. I am that dust. I looked up.I looked up. Out of interest, Out ofI said, interest, whereabouts I said, whereabouts in Germany indid Germany you grow did you grow up? up? Germany? Germany? Ziggy Heidl Ziggy said,Heidl looking said, outlooking the window. out theI never window. I never went therewent untilthere I was until twenty-six. I was twenty-six. I told you. II told grewyou. up in I grew Southup in South Australia. Australia. Your accentYour is German. accent is German. Roger that,Roger Ziggythat, Heidl Ziggy said.Heidl And when said. And he turned when his he turned fleshy his fleshy face back to facemeback I tried to me notI to tried stare notat to thestare small at muscle the small in muscle his in his otherwise otherwise puffy cheekpuff that y cheek twitched thatwhen twitched he smiled, when he a knot smiled, of a knot of tautness amidst tautness theamidst slackness, the slackness, a single tight a single muscle tight pulsing muscle in pulsing in and out. and out. 5
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I know it’sIodd, knowbut it’sthere odd,you but are—I there you grew are—I up with grew Germanup with Germanspeaking parents speaking andparents no oneand to play no one with. to But playIwith. was happy. But I was Write happy. Write that. that. He was smiling. He was smiling. His smile: an Hisundertow smile: an of undertow sinister complicity. of sinister complicity. What? I said. What? I said. That. That. What? What? Write: I was Write: happy. I was happy. That terrible That smile. terrible Thatsmile. twitching That cheek. twitching cheek. Boom-boom, Boom-boom, it silently went. it silently Boom-boom. went. Boom-boom.
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We were working We wereinworking a publishing in a publishing executive’sexecutive’s corner officorner ce in a office in a publishing publishing company’scompany’s headquarters headquarters in Port Melbourne. in Port Melbourne. Perhaps Perhaps it had beenitthe hadoffi been ce of theanoffi editorial ce of andirector editorial ordirector a sales manager, or a sales manager, recently retired recently or retired lately sacked. or lately Who sacked. knows? Who Weknows? were never We were never told, but the told, offibut ce made the offiZiggy ce made Heidl Ziggy feel Heidl important feel important and that and that was important, was important, and if I feltand embarrassed, if I felt embarrassed, that wasn’t.that It was wasn’t. 1992,It was 1992, that time so that close timeand so now closesoand farnow awaysowhen far away publishing when publishing execuexecutives still had tivessuch still rooms had such androoms liquorand cabinets; liquorbefore cabinets; Amazon before Amazon and e-books; andbefore e-books; phrases before likephrases granular like analytics, granularcustomer analytics, fulfi customer lfulfilment, and ment, supply and chainsupply alignment chain had alignment connected had connected like tightening like tightening coils in a hangman’s coils in a hangman’s noose; before noose; the before relentless the rise relentless of proprise of property valueserty andvalues the collapse and the ofcollapse publishing of publishing saw publishers’ saw publishers’ offices offices morph intomorph abattoir-like into abattoir-like assembly lines, assembly where lines, all staff where satall cheek staff sat cheek by jowl at long by jowl benches at long reminiscent benches reminiscent of, say, a Red of, Army say, a Red canteen Army canteen in Kabul, circa in Kabul, 1979. circa 1979. And like the And Red like Army the Red then,Army publishing then, publishing was entering wasa entering crisis a crisis of stagnation of stagnation not yet understood not yet understood as either a as crisis either or as a crisis terminal. or as terminal. And beneath And where beneath the publishing where the publishing people sat were people sosat many werelittle so many little 6
holes beingholes bore one large sink oneho la floors of the floors pub fall until they fall lan un floor. Thenfloor. that sea of start-ups, sea of over the publish over t disruption—until disrup vanishing island vanish content provider conten caste, if such caste, at write withwrite some charm or charact charm I don’t. I do It didn’t. It d If it was Ifbo examination, exami like shelving was shelvin par uncomfortably uncom f And the books! And th T TransPacifiTransP c (or published publis were chocolate, choco garde rities; tedious rities;m profits from profi whic ts I thought books I thou which livedwhich on th cookbooks,cookb picto were the collecte were t tome a cinder tomeb picked outpicked in gr dispiriting dispiri they s of books, of wri boo
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up rmanwith Germanwas Write happy. Write
y.
ce orner in a office in a erhaps bourne. Perhaps nager, a sales manager, never We were never portant d that and that asn’t. s 1992,It was 1992, publishing execuexecumazon before Amazon rcs, fulfi customer lfulfildtening like tightening ess proprise of propoffi ublishers’ ces offices all cheek staff sat cheek anteen ed Army canteen
a entering crisis a crisis minal. is or as terminal. ere y little so many little
holes beingholes bored being by redundancies bored by redundancies slowly coming slowly together cominginto together into one large sink onehole largethrough sink hole which, through a few which, yearsahence, few years the hence, severalthe several floors of the floors publishing of the publishing house would house suddenly wouldand suddenly unexpectedly and unexpectedly fall until they fall landed until they with landed a crash with anda compressed crash and compressed into just one into just one floor. Thenfloor. that Then floor, that in turn, floor, would in turn, begin would to shrink beginastoashrink rising as a rising sea of start-ups, sea of fistart-ups, nance companies finance companies and net businesses and net businesses flooded flooded over the publisher’s over the publisher’s office space—an office space—an encroaching encroaching ocean of ocean of disruption—until disruption—until the floor was thenow flooronly washalf nowaonly floor,half andaon floor, thatand on that vanishing island vanishing books island werebooks now were only content now only and content writersand only writers only content providers, content sandbag providers, fillers, sandbag but of fillers, an ever but lower of an ever and lower lower and lower caste, if such caste, a thing if such were a thing possible. wereAll possible. of which Allmay of which suggest may I suggest I write withwrite somewith nostalgia, some that nostalgia, the Port thatMelbourne the Port Melbourne office had office had charm or character. charm or character. I don’t. I don’t. It didn’t. It didn’t. If it was Ifbookcase it was lined, bookcase the lined, bookcases the bookcases were, on were, closer on closer examination, examination, like the world like of thepublishing world of publishing then, dispiriting. then, dispiriting. The The shelving was shelving particleboard was particleboard covered with covered a hokey with teak a hokey veneer, teak an veneer, an uncomfortably uncomfortably faecal brown, faecal more brown, plasticised more plasticised than varnished. than varnished. And the books! And the Thebooks! booksThe thatbooks house—the that house—the then mighty then Schlegel mighty Schlegel TransPacifiTransPacifi c (or as it was c (orvariously as it wasknown, variously TransPac known,or TransPac STP)— or STP)— published published were the were only books the only on books those shelves. on thoseBooks shelves. on Books on chocolate, chocolate, gardening,gardening, furniture, furniture, military history, militarytired history, celeb-tired celebrities; tedious rities;memoirs tedious and memoirs pulp novels—a and pulp novels—a small part small of thepart of the profits from profi which ts from paidwhich for thepaid publication for the publication of the few of books the few thatbooks that I thought books I thought were—novels, books were—novels, essays, poems, essays, stories—none poems, stories—none of of which livedwhich on those livedglossy on those shelves. glossy In shelves. additionIntoaddition these and to the these and the cookbooks,cookbooks, pictorials, and pictorials, reference andbooks reference that books still had that a market, still had a market, were the collected were theworks collected of Jez works Dempster, of Jez Dempster, each Jez Dempster each Jez Dempster tome a cinder tomeblock a cinder blinged block with blinged the words with the JEZwords DEMPSTER JEZ DEMPSTER picked outpicked in great outgold in great lettering. gold What lettering. junkWhat they were. junk they Howwere. How dispiriting dispiriting they seemed. theyIt seemed. was my It first was intimation my first intimation that my idea that my idea of books, of writing, books, ofwas writing, a verywas small a very and largely small and unsuccessful largely unsuccessful 7
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subset of what subsetatofSTP what wasatknown—in STP was known—in a cod-craftamystery-like cod-craft mystery-like way—as theway—as trade. the trade. The trade explained The trade all explained things. all While things. phrases While such phrases as ‘that’s such as ‘that’s how it is inhow the trade’ it is in or the‘the trade’ trade’s or ‘the tight’ trade’s told you tight’nothing, told youthey nothing, they were understood were understood to explain everything. to explain everything. And from my Andfifrom rst day my I first day I understoodunderstood that the trade that somehow the trade thought somehow mythought telling of myHeidl’s telling of Heidl’s story was story far more was real far more a bookreal than a book the real thanbook the Ireal hadbook untilI had until that time that thought timeI thought had beenI had writing, beenthat writing, real book that real beingbook being my own unfi mynished own unfi firstnished novel.first novel. This madeThis no sense madetono me, sense butto then me,the but trade thenmade the trade no sense. made no sense. It made noIt sense, made for no sense, example, for that example, Heidl’s that memoirs Heidl’s were— memoirs were— for reasonsfor I never reasons could I never divine—secret. could divine—secret. No one was Nomeant one was to meant to know at the know publishing at the publishing house, other house, thanother the handful than the working handful working with us onwith the book—Gene us on the book—Gene Paley himself, Paleythough himself, as though publisher as publisher he left most heof leftthe most work of to thethe work editor, to the Pia editor, Carnevale, Pia Carnevale, and one and one or two others. or two Weothers. were toWe tellwere everyone to tellelse everyone we were elseco-editing we were co-editing an anthology an anthology of mediaeval of mediaeval Westphalian Westphalian folk verse.folk I amverse. not I am not sure whosesure lie this whose was—Ziggy lie this was—Ziggy Heidl’s or Gene Heidl’s Paley’s or Gene then, Paley’s or then, or mine later—but mine later—but it was as impressive it was as impressive as it was ludicrous. as it was ludicrous. Why Why such a project such would a project be would undertaken be undertaken within thewithin house the was,house was, to my knowledge, to my knowledge, never questioned. never questioned. In a line ofInwork a linefull of of work full of perplexity,perplexity, it was justitone wasmore just one oddity—but more oddity—but wasn’t thatwasn’t just that just how it washow in the it trade? was in the trade? The furniture The matched furniture the matched tone of theshoddy tone ofbombast—the shoddy bombast—the executive’sexecutive’s faux Edwardian faux Edwardian Laminex desk Laminex behind desk which behind Ziggy which Ziggy Heidl madeHeidl his unceasing made his calls unceasing was too calls big, was while too the big,conference while the conference table at which table Iatworked which was I worked too small was for too its small realfor purpose its realofpurpose of hosting meetings. hosting The meetings. slightly The soiled slightly tub chairs soiled tub in which chairswe in sat which we sat were upholstered were upholstered in a nylon jacquard in a nylonbeset jacquard by a salmon beset byand a salmon grey and grey weave. When weave. yourWhen fingers your touched fingersthe touched fabric, the it felt fabric, half-melted. it felt half-melted. The tormented The tormented colouring for colouring no good forreason no good always reason putalways me in put me in mind of a mind Francis of Bacon a Francis painting. BaconI painting. felt as if I were felt assitting if I were in asitting in a muted scream. muted scream. 8
Gene would Gene like office door.offi Need ce Gene PaleyGe w the very first theday ve been only been Mondo I knew, wanted I knew t Slowly, I said Slo while he stared while d desk. He just desk. woH Early life? Ear Vague stories Vag mining town minin call That’s it? Gen Th More or less. Mo m . Mm Mm Mostly less.Mo The con? As ThI reason. Seven reason hu Australian Austra histor Vaguely. Vag CIA? CIA Even vaguer. Eve P Mmm, Gene Mm tion was punctua tion w as if everyassente if e repetition of repetit the speech wasspeech unu slowly, suchslowly that Good—, I said Go On one of On the Gene PaleyGene mad
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ry-like raft mystery-like
es ‘that’s such as ‘that’s g,outhey nothing, they om t day my I first day I Heidl’s telling of Heidl’s dbook untilI had until real beingbook being
esense. made no sense. were— memoirs were— ne antwas to meant to orking handful working blisher ugh as publisher rnevale, d one and one editing were co-editing mverse. not I am not een, Paley’s or then, or ludicrous. Why Why e the was,house was, ull of of work full of atwasn’t just that just
t—the y bombast—the Ziggy nd which Ziggy erence e the conference ose realofpurpose of we in sat which we sat dsalmon grey and grey melted. felt half-melted. always me in put me in were g in asitting in a
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Gene would Gene likewould to seelike you,toKif, see said you,a Kif, young saidwoman a youngat woman our at our office door.offi Needs ce door. youNeeds to signyou a contract. to sign a contract. Gene PaleyGene wanted Paley nowanted such thing—I’d no such thing—I’d signed my signed contract myoncontract on the very first theday very already first day so long already agosoitlong was hard ago ittowas believe hardittohad believe it had been only been Monday onlyand Monday it was and nowitjust wasWednesday. now just Wednesday. Gene Paley,Gene Paley, I knew, wanted I knew, to wanted know how to know it washow going. it was going. Slowly, I said Slowly, as I stood I said before as I stood Gene before PaleyGene in hisPaley officeinsuite, his office suite, while he stared while down he stared at tractor down feed at tractor spreadsheets feed spreadsheets papering his papering his desk. He just desk. won’t He give just .won’t . . detail. give . . . detail. Early life? Early life? Vague stories Vague about stories being about bornbeing in a remote born inSouth a remote Australian South Australian mining town mining calledtown Jaggamyurra called Jaggamyurra to Germantoparents. German parents. That’s it? Gene That’s Paley it? Gene said, Paley still not said, looking still not up.looking up. More or less. More or less. m . Mm Mmm. Mostly less.Mostly less. The con? As The I was con?saying, As I was he’ssaying, not a criminal he’s not acelebrity criminalfor celebrity no for no reason. Seven reason. hundred Sevenmillion hundred dollars. million It’sdollars. the biggest It’s the conbiggest job in con job in Australian Australian history. Hashistory. he explained Has he how explained he didhow it? he did it? Vaguely. Vaguely. CIA? CIA? Even vaguer. Even vaguer. Paley m, Gene said Paley and fell said silent. and Much fell silent. of his Much conversaof his conversaMmm, Gene Mm tion was punctuated tion was punctuated with this slight with downward this slight downward falling murmur, falling murmur, as if everyassentence if everywere sentence a judgement were a judgement of failure. of That, failure. or the That, or the repetition of repetition the phrase, of the As phrase, I was saying. As I was Hissaying. whole His manner whole ofmanner of speech wasspeech unusual, wasclipped unusual, sentences clipped sentences delivered quickly deliveredthen quickly then slowly, suchslowly, that he such often thatsounded he oftenlike sounded a dyinglike telex a dying machine. telex machine. Good—, I said, Good—, but I could said, but hear I could myselfhear faltering. myself faltering. On one of On the one spreadsheets, of the spreadsheets, as wide as aassmall widesuburban as a smallroad, suburban road, Gene PaleyGene madePaley somemade precise some marks, precise themarks, wet black the ink wetofblack his ink of his 9
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fountain pen fountain vivid against pen vivid theagainst pale blue theand palewhite blue and striped white paper striped paper and ash blur and ofash dotblur matrix of dot printed matrix numbers. printed numbers. Good stories,Good I said. stories, Just Ia said. littleJust . . . a little . . . Vague? Vague? Vague? Possibly. Vague? Possibly. As I was saying, As I was yousaying, can write, you Gene can write, PaleyGene said, Paley eyes continusaid, eyes continuing to tracking thetonumbers track thearrayed numbers below. arrayed But below. we need Buthim weto need talk.him to talk. His eyes were His oddly eyes were hooded, oddlyand hooded, that, and andhis that, small andface, his small his face, his beak of a nose, beak the of asuggestion nose, the suggestion of a powdery of aodour, powdery the odour, sense he the sense he might bite might deeplybite anddeeply unexpectedly, and unexpectedly, all put me all in mind put me of in Suzy’s mind of Suzy’s pet Indian ringneck pet Indianparrot ringneck thatparrot missedthat no opportunity missed no opportunity to bite me.to bite me. I need himI to need tellhim me to something, tell me something, I said. He’s—he’s I said. He’s—he’s just not just not interested in interested the book. in the book. Gene PaleyGene raised Paley his eyes raisedand hiscaught eyes and mine caught withmine an unforwith an unforgiving stare. giving stare. m, he with said,a quizzical and with agesture quizzical he held gesture outhe at held arm’sout at arm’sMmm, he said, Mmand length his oversize length his fountain oversizepen, fountain as elaborate pen, asand elaborate nonsensical and nonsensical as a as a piece of chromed piece ofagricultural chromed agricultural pipe, and dropped pipe, andit dropped on the several it on the several kilometreskilometres of numbers of on numbers the spreadsheets on the spreadsheets below. Decades below.ofDecades of living through livingnumbers throughsuch numbers as these—the such as these—the numbers printed, numbers theprinted, the numbers sold numbers in, thesold numbers in, the sold numbers through, soldreturned, through,and returned, remainand remaindered, the dered, numbersthehenumbers gave away he gave as margin away as to margin booksellers, to booksellers, the the numbers henumbers lied about he lied to other aboutpublishers to other publishers and journalists, and journalists, hellish hellish real numbers, realdreamt-of numbers, dreamt-of numbers, true numbers, numbers, truefalse numbers, numbers, false numbers, numbers lost numbers to rapacious lost to book rapacious chains, book numbers chains, clawed numbers back clawed off back off witless authors witless and authors vainglorious and vainglorious agents, theagents, despairthe anddespair beautyand beauty and sheer and alchemy sheer ofalchemy numbers—their of numbers—their numbers, our numbers, numbers, our numbers, bad numbers, badgood numbers, numbers, goodeven, numbers, for God’s even, for sake,God’s numbers sake,onnumbers on numbers—all numbers—all these innumerable these innumerable numbers had numbers over time had honed over time in honed in Gene PaleyGene a sensitivity Paley a so sensitivity great it verged so greatonit averged sixth sense: on a sixth to the sense: to the possibility possibility of profit and of profi the terror t and the of loss. terror And of that loss. sense And that was sense was even then twitching even then with twitching concern, withperhaps concern, fear. perhaps fear. Your contract Youris contract not just to is not write, justhetosaid, write, hishe voice said,still hiskindly voice still kindly 10
but somehow but fisor for us. Yourforjob us.i is no book.isWith no b money for money you. N No, I replied. No No, Gene Pale No Yes, I replied. Yes As he talked, As rectangularrectan mou shame or concer shame white body.white They say ther Th Paley said in Paley wha one can rememb one ca The slightlyTh sa with a few bright with a approximately approx at never having never don cerned about cerned bei a man beyond a man th been brought been upb working onworki the H narrownessnarrow in m tions. Still, tions. I could the torso ofthe a dac tor would needwould to ha He openedHe ac ironed shirt. ironed But try finishi But my advice.my ad Without any Wic think, he put think, th apparentlyappare suffic
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hite paper striped paper
aid, ntinueyes continuo need talk.him to talk. his ce, small his face, his nse our,he the sense he Suzy’s n mind of Suzy’s tunity te me.to bite me. e’s—he’s st not just not
eunforwith an unfor-
held arm’sout at arm’scal d nonsensical as a as a deveral it on the several des low.ofDecades of mbers d, theprinted, the ned, mainand remainrs, booksellers, the the ournalists, hellish hellish s, mbers, false numbers, ck clawed off back off beauty spair and beauty rs, mbers, our numbers, ers ake,onnumbers on ned er time in honed in ixth to the sense: to the de that was sense was . kindly voice still kindly
but somehow but fisomehow rmer—somehow firmer—somehow resolute. Itresolute. is to write It with is to write him with him for us. Yourforjob us.isYour to make job ishim to talk. makeWithout him talk.him Without talkinghim there talking there is no book.isWithout no book.a Without book at the a book end at of the six end weeks, of six there weeks, is nothere is no money for money you. None. for you. No.None. Yes? No. Yes? No, I replied. No,Yes. I replied. Yes. No, Gene Paley No, Gene said. Paley None.said. None. Yes, I replied. Yes,No. I replied. No. As he talked, As Gene he talked, PaleyGene folded Paley the folded spreadsheets the spreadsheets into a neatinto a neat rectangularrectangular mound, stood mound, up, stood and took up, off and his took shirt off without his shirt without shame or concern shame ortoconcern reveal a to white reveal singlet, a white slack singlet, on hisslack scrawny on his scrawny white body.white body. They say there Theyare sayonly therethree are only rulesthree for writing rules for a book, writing Gene a book, Gene Paley said in Paley whatsaid feltinanwhat anecdote felt angreasy anecdote withgreasy retelling. withOnly retelling. no Only no one can remember one can remember what they are. what they are. The slightlyThe sagging slightly undersides sagging undersides of his skinny of arms his skinny were arms scoredwere scored with a few bright with a red fewmoles brightnot redmuch molesbigger not much thanbigger odd biro than marks, odd biro marks, approximately approximately attached toattached a body to that a body gave the thatimpression gave the impression of of never having never done having any manual done any work. manual A man work. as seemingly A man as unconseemingly unconcerned about cerned being about named being Gene named as Gene GenePaley, as Gene was,Paley, I realised, was, I realised, a man beyond a man thebeyond conventions the conventions of masculine of masculine self-doubt as self-doubt I had as I had been brought been upbrought to understand up to understand them. And them. after only Andthree after days only of three days of working onworking the Heidl onmemoir the Heidl I was memoir beginning I was to beginning understand to understand this this narrownessnarrowness in my owninthinking my ownasthinking only oneasofonly myone many of limitamy many limitations. Still, tions. I couldStill, notIhelp could but not think helpitbut a shameful think it abody shameful to reveal, body to reveal, the torso ofthe a dachshund torso of a dachshund topped with topped the head withofthe a cockatiel. head of aYou cockatiel. You would needwould to have need been to Arcimboldo have been Arcimboldo to do such to a body do such justice. a body justice. He openedHe a cupboard opened adoor cupboard from door whichfrom he took which outhea took freshly out a freshly ironed shirt. ironed shirt. But try finishing But trya finishing rst draft,a Gene first draft, PaleyGene said. Paley Quickly. said.That’s Quickly. That’s my advice.my advice. Without any Without concern any asconcern to my presence, as to myor presence, as to what or Iasmight to what I might think, he put think, theheshirt puton, theoff shirt ering on,a off single eringsentence a singlethat sentence was that was apparentlyapparently sufficient assuffi explanation. cient as explanation. 11
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Lunch, he Lunch, said as he hedid saidup ashis he buttons, did up hiswith buttons, Jez Dempster. with Jez Dempster. Jez Dempster’s Jez Dempster’s books soldbooks in thesold hundreds in the of hundreds thousands. of thousands. Perhaps millions. PerhapsJez millions. Dempster Jez was Dempster big in the wastrade. big in the trade. As I was saying, As I was a writer saying, like a writer you can like learn youacan great learn deala from great deal from the Jez Dempsters the Jez Dempsters of this world, of this Gene world, PaleyGene said. Paley Yes? said. Yes? Yes, I replied, Yes,orI replied, repeated—it or repeated—it seemed to seemed amountto toamount the sameto the same thing. Suchthing. as—?Such as—? Such as, if Such you can as, ifonly youlearn can only to write learn badly to write enough badly you enough can you can make a great make deala of great money. deal of Youmoney. live theYou alternative. live the alternative. I write well? I write well? You make no Youmoney. make no money. Although there Although was in there Gene was Paley’s in Gene slightly Paley’s hooded slightly gaze hooded and gaze and his faint smile his faint gentleness smile gentleness and even—perhaps—kindness, and even—perhaps—kindness, there there hid in that hid skinny in that body, skinny thosebody, flaccid those arms, flaccid a stiletto-like arms, a stiletto-like instinct instinct that was highly that was attuned highlytoattuned status and to status money. andBut money. above But all, above all, money. Perhaps money.that Perhaps was what that was most what developed was most developed in him: hisin him: his almost shamanic almost feeling shamanic for feeling money—its for money—its needs and needs its demands, and its demands, its ecstasiesits and ecstasies torments, andthe torments, supplication the supplication and the actsand it required the acts it required of him as of an him intermediary as an intermediary between itsbetween world and its world ours. There and ours. There was about was him about a resolve himthat a resolve I understood that I understood even then could even then easilycould easily shade into shade cruelty, into because cruelty, a man because whoa didn’t man who caredidn’t what another care what another man thought manofthought his bodyofwas his abody manwas whoa didn’t man who caredidn’t what care any what any other man other thought man about thought anything aboutor, anything for thator, matter, for that what matter, fate what fate might befall might that befall other man. that other man. Jez Dempster Jez Dempster tells me, hetells said, me, unbuttoning he said, unbuttoning his trousershisand trousers and easing his easing fly to half-mast, his fly to half-mast, that a classic thatisa aclassic book is that a book never that never finishes what finishes it wants what toitsay. wants to say. He tucked He his tucked shirt flaps his in shirt andflbuttoned aps in andhis buttoned trousershis back trousers up. back up. You’re notYou’re writingnot a classic, writing he a classic, said. You’re he said. writing You’re a bestwriting a bestseller. Andseller. I wantAnd youI to want say you everything to say everything that anyonethat would anyone everwould ever want to read want in to a book read about in a book Siegfried aboutHeidl. Siegfried AndHeidl. I wantAnd thatI want that book finished book in fisix nished weeks. in six weeks. I must confess I must that confess the sight thatoftheGene sightPaley of Gene changing Paley shirts changing shirts 12
unnerved me. unner So dealt with dealt their w while shitting—m while anything he anythi ever so many things so ma yet it was clear yet it t I hated it inI hated myse nervous replies, nervou it, to somehow it, to as Not thought, No changing of chang shir him are brought him ar Your shoes,You s with extended withare His eyes drop His Adidas Vienna Adida ru wasn’t exactly wasn’t fal rather thanrather rolled the full six the weeks fu Don’t you Do hav All that time All ining me and ining he m h was I didn’twas have Id too ashamed tootoas try harder try to get ha some money some for,
I went backI went dow as I tried toaspres I tr turned intoturned the i
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ster. Jez Dempster. ds sands. of thousands. ade. al from great deal from d. Yes? ount sameto the same
ou enough can you can ative.
ze hooded and gaze and —kindness, there there nstinct letto-like instinct y.ve But all, above all, m: oped hisin him: his mands, and its demands, he quired acts it required There and ours. There then easilycould easily nother are what another n’t at care any what any matter, at fate what fate
rshisand trousers and book never that never
trousers ck up. back up. ae bestwriting a bestyone d everwould ever ntAnd thatI want that
y shirts changing shirts
unnerved me. unnerved Something me. Something in his behaviour—like in his behaviour—like the kings who the kings who dealt with dealt their with courtiers their and courtiers supplicants and supplicants and matters andofmatters state of state while shitting—made while shitting—made our respective our respective positions far positions clearer far than clearer than anything he anything ever said hetoever me.said There to me. wasThere in himwas an in absence him anofabsence of so many things so many thatthings I understood that I understood men were men meant were to be, meant and to be, and yet it was clear yet it that was he clear thought that hehimself thought superior. himselfAnd superior. muchAnd as much as I hated it inI hated myself,it Iinfound myself, myself I found in my myself awkward in myposture, awkwardmy posture, my nervous replies, nervous seeming, replies,though seeming, I told though myself I told I did myself not believe I did not believe it, to somehow it, to agree. somehow agree. Not thought, Not Ray thought, said later, Ray said whenlater, I told when himI about told him the about the changing of changing shirts. Knows. of shirts. Knows Knows. he’sKnows better.he’s Andbetter. peopleAnd likepeople like him are brought him are upbrought to knowupit.to know it. Your shoes,Your saidshoes, Gene said Paley, Gene nowPaley, dressed now and dressed ushering andme ushering me with extended witharm extended to thearm door.to the door. His eyes dropped His eyestodropped my feet to my where feetthe to where leatherthe of my leather rightof my right Adidas Vienna Adidas runner Vienna wasrunner tearingwas away tearing fromaway the sole. fromThe theshoe sole. The shoe wasn’t exactly wasn’t falling exactly apart, falling or not apart, just or yetnot anyway, just yet and anyway, if I lifted and if I lifted rather thanrather rolledthan off my rolled footoff as my I walked foot asI had I walked hopesI of hadithopes lastingof it lasting the full six the weeks. full six weeks. Don’t you Don’t have another you have pair? another pair? All that time All Ithat hadtime beenI looking had beenat looking him he at hadhim been he examhad been examining me and ining he me had,and I realised, he had,found I realised, me wanting. found meAnd wanting. the truth And the truth was I didn’twas have I didn’t another have pair, another and I could pair, and afford I could none, affbut ord Inone, was but I was too ashamed tootoashamed say that,toorsay to that, say anything. or to say All anything. I couldAll do Iwas could do was try harder try to get harder Heidl toto gettalk Heidl in order to talk that in order I’d getthat paidI’d and gethave paid and have some money some for,money amongfor, other among things, other a new things, pair aofnew runners. pair of runners.
4
4
I went backI went downback that down long corridor, that longwalking corridor,with walking a slight with limp a slight limp as I tried toaspreserve I tried tomy preserve Adidasmy Vienna Adidas a few Vienna daysalonger, few days andlonger, and turned intoturned the increasingly into the increasingly oppressive oppressive executive’sexecutive’s office where office where 13
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Heidl was Heidl standing wasbehind standing thebehind executive’s the executive’s desk talking desk on talking the on the executive’sexecutive’s phone. Hephone. waved He at me waved in a at way methat in amight way that bestmight be best be described as described managerial—at as managerial—at once dismissive, once dismissive, controlling,controlling, at ease; at ease; a gesture ofa gesture power. Iof satpower. back down I sat back at thedown smallatconference the small conference table, table, with its three with simple its three chairs, simple perhaps, chairs,I thought perhaps,now, I thought not sonow, much not so much complex Francis complexBacon Francis portraits Bacon as portraits straightforward as straightforward Edvard Edvard Munch screams, Munchand screams, as I booted and asup I booted the MacupClassic the Mac I watched Classic I watched Heidl. He Heidl. put theHe phone put the down phone and down immediately and immediately began talking began talking once moreonce aboutmore toxoplasmosis, about toxoplasmosis, or the toxo,or asthe he toxo, calledasit.he called it. The toxo The fascinated toxo fascinated Ziggy Heidl, Ziggy or Ziggy Heidl, Heidl or Ziggy said Heidl the said the toxo fascinated toxo him. fascinated Eitherhim. way,Either it wasway, for him it was a frequent for him atopic frequent topic of conversation—how of conversation—how the toxoplasmosis the toxoplasmosis parasite affparasite ected rats’ affected rats’ brains in such brains a way in such that rats a way lost that their ratsinstinctive lost their fear instinctive of cats.fear Theof cats. The newly emboldened newly emboldened rats would rats thenwould be eaten thenbybethe eaten cats,by a carrier the cats, a carrier the toxoplasmosis the toxoplasmosis parasite used parasite to reproduce used to reproduce in during the in during next the next stage of their stagebreeding of theircycle. breeding The cycle. cats, inThe turn, cats,would in turn, cultivate would cultivate humans, on humans, to whom on they to whom passedthey thepassed parasitethethrough parasitefaecal through faecal contamination. contamination. And what And fascinated what fascinated Heidl above Heidl all was aboveexactly all was how exactly the how the toxo—which toxo—which fatally altered fatally rats’ altered behaviour—might rats’ behaviour—might affect affect humans. He humans. would He speculate would for speculate hours on forthe hours wayonmad thepeople way mad people so often had so so often many hadcats. so many Was the cats.toxo Wasusing the toxo theseusing people these to people to care for thecare catsforinthe order catstoinmaximise order to the maximise chances theofchances the toxoof the toxo surviving in surviving the cats?inWere the cats? the mad Werepeople the mad mad people alwaysmad or had always or had the toxo made the toxo themmade so? He them would so? talk He would of howtalk theoftoxo how had thebeen toxo had been strongly implicated strongly implicated in suicides in and suicides schizophrenia. and schizophrenia. The question The question no one could no one answer could wasanswer this: why waswould this: why the would parasitethe manipuparasite manipulate humanlate beings human to such beings extreme to suchacts? extreme acts? If you could If you onlycould stand only listening standtolistening him he was, to him in he his was, way, in a his way, a beautiful talker, beautiful yet talker, almostyet nothing almost ofnothing what heofsaid what washeofsaid anywas of any use to me.use Andtoasme. he And talked as of he how talked dolphins of howwere dolphins now were beingnow being infected with infected the parasite with thefrom parasite farmfrom run-off farm , I began run-offto, Iworry began to worry that he wasthat likehethe was toxo likethat theso toxo fascinated that so fascinated him. I momentarily him. I momentarily 14
had the ridiculou had th mind and make mind ests. And with ests.th A and how crazy and ho m I resolved Itore for the day.for Hethe to it the first?—only it the way that the way kidth This too you Th how hard to how kno h candour aids cando the
I rememberI reme I wen or last timeorand last hunching wearily hunch sun rolled low, sun sp ro On the street On th th kicked a football kicked I didn’t know I didn’ that to STP Publishin to STP bomber-jacketed bombe When I turned Wh that I was having that I three fl ights three dowfl Outside, asOu in along the along pavem graffiti hadgraffi yet t warehouses, wareh nor low-rise offi low-ri ce bu the street and the str be
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on k talking the on the est at might be best be ntrolling, t ease; at ease; conference table, table, now, much not so much Edvard forward Edvard Classic atched I watched ely alking began talking he . called it. yid Heidl the said the t atopic frequent topic diterats’ affected rats’ es.fear Theof cats. The carrier the cats, a carrier ne during next the next ,ltivate would cultivate efaecal through faecal
w exactly the how the r—might affect affect people way mad people ple these to people to ences toxoof the toxo or ad had always or had dhebeen toxo had been estion ia. The question anipuparasite manipu-
was, way, in a his way, a ofsaid anywas of any were beingnow being worry began to worry m. ntarily I momentarily
had the ridiculous had the notion ridiculous thatnotion something that something might takemight hold oftake myhold of my mind and make mind it and actmake against it act its against own will, its against own will, its against own interits own interests. And with ests.that, And Iwith realised that,how I realised fearfulhow I already fearfulhad I already become, had become, and how crazy and how my fear crazy was. my fear was. I resolved Itoresolved focus ontojust focus getting on just a few getting more a few words more done words done for the day.for Hethe told day. meHe thetold kidme goat the story kid goat a second storytime—or a secondwas time—or was it the first?—only it the first?—only this time he this shot time thehekid shot in the the head kid ininthe such head a in such a way that the way kidthat diedthe very kidslowly died very andslowly he justand hadhe tojust watch. had to watch. This too you This learnt too you fromlearnt Heidl:from howHeidl: easy ithow is toeasy remember; it is to remember; how hard to how know hardiftothere know is iftruth there in iseven truth one in memory. even oneHow memory. How candour aids candour the necessary aids the lie necessary and howliethe andliehow allows theus lietoallows live. us to live.
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I rememberI remember I went to the I went window to the after window the goat after story the for goatthe story firstfor the first or last timeorand lastlooked time and out.looked In theout. distance, In thesome distance, cranes some were cranes were hunching wearily, hunching and wearily, behindand them, behind therethem, on the there horizon, on thea horizon, red a red sun rolled low, sun spilling rolled low, greyspilling and bloody grey and lightbloody on thelight world onbeneath. the world beneath. On the street On the threestreet storeys three below storeys some below khaki-clad some khaki-clad workmen workmen kicked a football kickedto a football each other. to each I envied other. them I envied their them odd freedom. their odd freedom. I didn’t know I didn’t that Iknow was still thatfree. I was My still gaze free. dropped My gaze todropped the entrance to the entrance to STP Publishing to STP Publishing where, standing where,farstanding below, Ifarsaw below, Ray, Ileather saw Ray, leather bomber-jacketed, bomber-jacketed, strapping up strapping a rollie,up looking a rollie, bored. looking bored. When I turned When around, I turned Heidl around, was still Heidl onwas the phone. still on the I gestured phone. I gestured that I was having that I was a break having anda left break theand room, left the taking room, the taking stairs the the stairs the three fl ights three down fl ights to the down foyertoand thethe foyer main andentrance. the main entrance. Outside, asOutside, inside, everything as inside, everything was new. The wasinstant new. The turfinstant strip turf strip along the along pavement the pavement was without wasfilth without and cigarette filth andbutts. cigarette No butts. No graffiti hadgraffi yet tiflowered had yet on flowered the grey onconcrete the greyofconcrete the tilt-slab of the tilt-slab warehouses, warehouses, nor damasked nor damasked the umberthe andumber olive renders and olive of renders the of the low-rise offi low-rise ce buildings, office the buildings, startling thesameness startling of sameness which fioflled which filled the street and the street beyond and as beyond far as you as far could as you see. could Everything see. Everything was was 15
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ordered and ordered bright,and waiting bright, to waiting be eroded to be intoeroded a uniform into adrabuniform drabness, and itness, wasand all so it was newall that so some new that windows some on windows a building on a building opposite still opposite had their stillprotective had their fiprotective lm, twisted film, tailstwisted of bluetails plastic of blue plastic wagging here wagging and there. here and there. The word The shithole, wordRay shithole, said, isRay toosaid, interesting is too interesting for a shithole for a shithole like this. like this. It was all so It new was all andsoyet new something and yet something was alreadywas over. already That’sover. That’s how it felt.how I longed it felt.toI feel longed so many to feelother so many things—excitement, other things—excitement, ideas, emotions ideas, Iemotions might useI might to imagine use toHeidl’s imagine imaginary Heidl’s imaginary childchildhood. But hood. I just felt Butan I just enormous felt an enormous boredom. If boredom. I had been If Iahad realbeen a real writer I might writer have I might foundhave post-modern found post-modern beauty or at beauty least or a few at least a few lines that pretended lines that pretended I did. But I was did. an Butislander I was anfrom islander an island from an island at world’s at end world’s whereend the where measure theofmeasure all things of that all things mattered that mattered was not man-made, was not man-made, and such sights and such that sights movedthat modern movedliteramodern literature did not ture move did me. not move I cameme. from I came whatfrom I hadwhat beenItold had was beena told was a dull and provincial dull and provincial backwater,backwater, and I did not andeven I didknow not even howknow to how to correctly see, correctly and sosee, howand could so how I properly could write? I properly write? It’s just shit, It’sRay justsaid. shit, Ray said. He was leaning He was on leaning a long concrete on a longplanter concrete boxplanter that was boxchest that was chest high. Alonghigh. it ranAlong an aluminium it ran an aluminium sheet on which sheetwas on screen-printed which was screen-printed the wordsthe STPwords PUBLISHING STP PUBLISHING and the company’s and the company’s celebrated celebrated colophon, acolophon, stylised breaching a stylised white breaching whale. white whale. I said HeidlI was said back Heidlon was theback phone. on the phone. The wind The blewwind in erratic blew gusts, in erratic and gusts, when and it hitwhen my face it hitit my face it was gritty.was Thegritty. day smelled The dayofsmelled damp stone. of damp I suppose stone. Ithere suppose there were sounds were butsounds I don’tbut remember I don’t remember any. Maybeany. distant Maybe traffi distant c. traffic. Maybe not.Maybe It wasnot. thatItsort wasofthat place sortwhere of place nothing wheremade nothing an made an impression,impression, not noise, not noise, silence.not silence. Well, this time Well,we thismade timeitwe to made Australia it towithout Australia nearly without dying, nearly dying, Ray said. Ray said. I was Australian, I was Australian, but I didn’t butreally I didn’t know really anything know about anything about Australia, having Australia, grown having up grown in Tasmania, up in Tasmania, about which about no one which no one knows anything, knows least anything, of all least Tasmanians of all Tasmanians to whom ittoiswhom only ever it is only ever 16
a growing amyste grow estimate, ifestima few out of goldout rush of settlers a few settler yea made theirmade mark hunting down huntin re them at night them aro Some Tasman Som bigger, which bigger now New York, New only Y s Really, the Really, world would we have would to man and animals man a universe ofuniver stupi arrives to end arrives th been told that beenthe t hopeful moment hopefu I’m going for I’m The road’sTh bi ment’s kitchen ment’ light grey kerbin light g pearlescence. pearle Ic first meeting, first ho m how the country how t in spite of interes in spit economy was econo tu the economy the in ec people stillpeople belie before andbefore God b J-curves and J-curve floa these words these somw But as I stood But take smoking takebasm
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adrabuniform drabuilding ws on a building plastic ils of blue plastic
ng ithole for a shithole
eady That’sover. That’s ngs—excitement, ment, imaginary childchildIahad realbeen a real or a few at least a few island r from an island gs ttered that mattered dliteramodern literawas beena told was a en owknow to how to e?
soxchest that was chest was rinted screen-printed brated any’s celebrated
face it hitit my face it Ithere suppose there raffi e distant c. traffic. ade othing an made an
out dying, nearly dying,
about anything about ut o one which no one om y ever it is only ever
a growing amystery. growingMelbourne mystery. Melbourne was a confiwas dentatown, confident by itstown, own by its own estimate, ifestimate, few others, if few a great others, city,a which great city, believed whichit believed was bornit was born out of goldout rushes of gold rather rushes thanrather an invasion than anbyinvasion Van Diemonian by Van Diemonian settlers a few settlers yearsaprior few years to theprior discovery to theof discovery gold, men of gold, who had men who had made theirmade mark their running mark death running squads death on the squads Tasmanian on the Tasmanian frontier frontier hunting down hunting remnant downTasmanian remnant Tasmanian AboriginalsAboriginals and massacring and massacring them at night them around at night their around campfi their res. campfires. Some Tasmanians Some Tasmanians said Melbourne said Melbourne was like Tasmania, was like Tasmania, only only bigger, which bigger, nowwhich strucknow me as struck stupid me asas saying stupidTasmania as sayingwas Tasmania like was like New York, New only York, smaller, only which smaller, was which just as was truejust andasjust true as and stupid. just as stupid. Really, the Really, world was the world full of was stupid fullthings of stupid yet without things yet them without whatthem what would we have would to we talkhave about? to talk Perhaps about? thePerhaps only diffthe erence onlybetween difference between man and animals man and is man’s animalscapacity is man’stocapacity fill his days to fiand ll hislife days with anda life with a universe ofuniverse stupid things of stupid untilthings the only untilreal thething, only real death, thing, finally death, finally arrives to end arrives the to nonsense. end the These nonsense. daysThese I envydays anyone I envy who anyone has who has been told that beenthey toldhave thatthis theyorhave thatthis terminal or thatdisease. terminal In disease. my moreIn my more hopeful moments hopefulImoments pray for cancer. I pray for cancer. I’m going for I’magoing walk,for I said. a walk, I said. The road’sThe bitumen road’swas bitumen black was and black clean and as a clean luxuryasaparta luxury apartment’s kitchen ment’sbenchtop, kitchen benchtop, fresh concrete fresh dust concrete dulleddust thedulled still the still light grey kerbing, light greyand kerbing, the galvanised and the galvanised grates gleamed gratesa gleamed silvery a silvery pearlescence. pearlescence. I could see,I could as Gene see,Paley as Gene had pointed Paley had outpointed at our out at our first meeting, first how meeting, everything how everything around these around streets these wasstreets aboutwas about how the country how thewas country booming, was how—in booming,spite how—in of thespite recession, of the recession, in spite of interest in spite of rates—the interest rates—the nation wasnation growing, wasorgrowing, at least the or at least the economy was economy turning was theturning corner.the There corner. wasThere a lot ofwas talka lot about of talk about the economy the in economy those days, in those it was days, likeitChrist was like the Christ Redeemer; the Redeemer; people stillpeople believed stillinbelieved the economy in the like economy they had like in they politics had in politics before andbefore God before and God that,before mug punters that, mug would punters evenwould talk about even talk about J-curves and J-curves floating andexchange floating rates exchange over rates a smoke, over as a smoke, though as though these words these somehow words explained somehow them explained and their themlives. and their lives. But as I stood But at asthe I stood first at intersection—wondering the first intersection—wondering if I should if I should take smoking takeback smoking up if back just for up the if just duration for theofduration this book—the of this book—the 17
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only curveonly I wascurve conscious I was of conscious was theofgrowing was thebulge growing of loose bulge of loose leather thatleather had torn thataway had atorn littleaway more a little frommore the sole from of the mysole rightof my right Adidas Vienna Adidas runner. Vienna Everywhere runner. Everywhere were morewere streets more thatstreets were that were more of the more same, of the a labyrinth same, aof labyrinth monotony of monotony so total that so for total a that for a moment I moment was confused I wasasconfused to whereasI to was where and how I wasI and would how getI would get back to theback publishers, to the publishers, which was,which after was, all, only aftertwo all, hundred only two hundred metres behind metres me.behind I limped me.back I limped with back my Vienna-prolonging with my Vienna-prolonging gait and asked gait Ray and asked for a smoke. Ray for a smoke. Fuck me, Fuck Ray said, me, you Ray need said, you a hipneed replacement a hip replacement before a before a durrie. durrie. He was watching He wasthe watching workmen the playing workmen football playing onfootball the street. on the street. One wore aOne cowboy worehat: a cowboy when he hat:marked when he themarked ball he the would ballstop, he would stop, straighten straighten up, lean down, up, lean pulldown, up hispull socks, up toss his socks, graveltoss intogravel the into the wind, and,wind, with great and, with solemnity, great solemnity, kick back to kick hisback mate. to As his his mate. As his mate marked matehemarked would run he would aroundrun in around a small in circle, a small waving circle, a waving a victory finger victory in the finger air. in the air. Fuck what?Fuck I said. what? I said. Shit, Ray said Shit,slowly. Ray said Heslowly. could invest He could a single investmeaningless a single meaningless word with word the gravitas with the and gravitas mystery andofmystery a Nobelof laureate a Nobel glossing laureate glossing string theory. string theory. What? What? That’s it, mate. That’s it, mate. What’s it? What’s it? It, he repeated. It, he repeated. I had no idea I had what no he idea was what on he about, was but on about, I rarelybut did.I rarely did. You know, You mate, know, Ray mate, said, leaning Ray said, in. leaning in. He was smiling He was now, smiling rollingnow, me rolling a cigarette me awith cigarette his Champion with his Champion Ruby tobacco, Rubylooking tobacco, through looking methrough as if heme hadaswon if heanother had won pub another pub brawl. Or was brawl. about Or was to start about one. to start one. You fuckn know, You fuckn Ray know, said and Ray winked. said and Handing winked.me Handing the durrie, me the durrie, he leant further he leant in so further that our in so foreheads that our were foreheads nearlywere butting. nearly Hebutting. He looked furtively lookedaround, furtively and around, hissed.and hissed. He thinks they He thinks want to they killwant him.to kill him. 18
They wantThey to sa things. Of athings night their tongue. theirTht we hear and wetou he The unbodied The ai u No Ray. No Noothe Ra knew everything knew Nothing. Life? Nothi N
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gloose bulge of loose eysole rightof my right tstreets were that were ot for total a that for a uld how getI would get nly ndred two hundred enna-prolonging nging
cement fore a before a
6
6
They wantThey to say want things, to say thethings, dead. Ordinary the dead. things, Ordinary everyday things, everyday things. Of athings. night they Of a return night they to me return and Ito allow me and them I allow in. I let them them in. I let them their tongue. theirThey tongue. talk of They what talkwe of watch, what we what watch, we see, what what we see, what we hear and wetouch, hear and freetouch, as the free moon as the to wander moon to thewander true night. the true night. The unbodied The air, unbodied wrote Melville. air, wroteBut Melville. there isBut nothere Ziggyis Heidl. no Ziggy Heidl. No Ray. No Noothers. Ray. No Back others. then,Back before then, I had before written I had anything, written Ianything, I knew everything knew everything about writing. aboutNow writing. I know Now nothing. I knowLiving? nothing. Living? Nothing. Life? Nothing. Nothing. Life?Nothing Nothing.atNothing all. at all.
ball street. on the street. all d stop, he would stop, to s gravel the into the As his his mate. As his ving circle, a waving a
ngle ngless meaningless ossing laureate glossing
rely did.
mpion th his Champion won er pub another pub
ng durrie, me the durrie, ng. early Hebutting. He
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The banks,The Heidl ba persistent though persist After the flAft us days, things days, had irritating riddles irritat entirely unintere entire get Gene Paley get Ge t You? I said.You W Because ofBec w that couldthat cause c people. people He was almos He destiny, when, destin as him and hehim grew an Do you think Do could showcould him I said thereI we sa Isn’t that your Isn I shook myI he sh Make the page Ma I suggestedI th su life I mightlife just Im just turn that justint tu Heidl ignored He
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1
1
The banks,The Heidl banks, saidHeidl on thesaid fourth on the day,fourth as if inday, answer as if in to answer my to my persistent thoughts. persistent They thoughts. wantThey to killwant me. to kill me. After the flAfter usterthe andflhope uster and and excitement hope and excitement of the firstofthree the first three days, things days, hadthings ground had to ground a halt. At to best, a halt.Heidl At best, answered Heidl in answered in irritating riddles irritating and, riddles at worst, and, was at worst, distracted was distracted or, worse or, yet,worse yet, entirely uninterested. entirely uninterested. His principal Hisconcern principalwas concern how he was might how he might get Gene Paley get Gene to pay Paley himtothe pay next himinstalment the next instalment of his advance. of his advance. You? I said.You? WhyI said. on earth Whywould on earth theywould want to they killwant you?to kill you? Because ofBecause what I’ve of done. what I’ve Anddone. what And I know. what I know I know. a lot I know a lot that couldthat cause—well—damage. could cause—well—damage. ProminentProminent people. Powerful people. Powerful people. people. He was almost He was droning, almosttransfi droning, xed by transfi the xed romance by theofromance his own of his own destiny, when, destiny, as was when, his way, as was another his way, thought anotherseemed thought to seemed strike to strike him and hehim grew and suddenly he grewanimated. suddenly animated. Do you think Do Paley you think would Paley paywould me halfpay theme instalment half the instalment if you if you could showcould him some show pages him some now?pages now? I said thereI were said there no pages. were no pages. Isn’t that your Isn’tjob? that your job? I shook myI head. shook my head. Make the pages? Make Isn’t the pages? that what Isn’tyou thatdo? what What youyou’re do? What hereyou’re for? here for? I suggestedI that suggested if he might that ifjust he might tell mejust something tell me something about his about his life I mightlife just I might turn itjust intoturn some it into pagessome and pages Gene and PaleyGene might Paley might just turn that justinto turnsome that into money. some money. Heidl ignored Heidl this, ignored if for that this, matter if for that he heard matterit.he heard it. 23
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No bank would No bank want would to killwant you,toI said, kill you, seeking I said, any seeking form of any form of engagement. engagement. They have They you about have you to goabout to jailtoanyway. go to jail anyway. At such times At such he would times he look would aboutlook conspiratorially, about conspiratorially, and, and, leaning forward, leaningseem forward, to beseem taking tome be taking into hisme confi into dence. his confidence. Things I know Things theyI know wouldn’t theywant wouldn’t you to want know. youWho to know. can say Who can say what I might what sayI in might court? say in court? Like? Like? Heidl laughed. HeidlHis laughed. cheek dimpled His cheekfuriously. dimpled furiously. I am not going I am not to tell going youtoanything. tell you But anything. that’s But whatthat’s they what they think—thatthink—that I am goingI to amtell going you.toAnd tell there you. And are people there feeding are people feeding their fears.their fears. People? People? People likePeople Eric Knowles. like Eric He Knowles. knowsHe about knows my about links. my My links. My connections. connections. Connections Connections with whom? with whom? People. People. What people? What people? People, he hissed. People, he Hehissed. blew aHe derisory blew abreath derisory outbreath of his out noseof his nose and shookand his head shookathis myhead naivety at my in naivety not knowing in notexactly knowing who exactly who people were.people were. And, somehow, And, somehow, it was embarrassing it was embarrassing for me notfor to me be up nottoto be up to speed withspeed thingswith suchthings as people such theassame peopleway theIsame wasn’t way upIto wasn’t speedup to speed with so many withthings. so many things. I am not saying I am not thatsaying these that peoplethese existpeople in your exist world, in your Heidl world, Heidl went on. But went they on.exist But nevertheless. they exist nevertheless. And in ourAnd world, in our the world, real the real world, youworld, have toyou dealhave withtothem, deal with or you them, haveortoyou have have someone to have someone who deals who with deals them with for you. them for you. So? So? So, maybe So, I was maybe that someone. I was that someone. If you mean If the youCIA, meanSiegfried, the CIA,ISiegfried, need youIto need say you the CIA. to say the CIA. I only directly I only worked directly forworked them inforthe them earlyin’70s. the early Laos.’70s. The Laos. The FRG. Not later. FRG. Not Not here later.inNot Australia. here in Australia. So, what did So,you what do did for you themdoinfor Laos, them I asked, in Laos, andI asked, off he went and off he went 24
again withagain his eu ions that could ions th m Or both. Or In Chile, heInsaC Chile? Ch My codename My But his tone Buw of what heofshoul wh seemed able seeme to e to penetrate to the pen had just suggeste had ju of the mystery, of the encouragement. encou ning I fell ning for itI Perhaps I becam Perhap I am not what I am What? Wh Iago. Iag That’s what ThI That’s what ThIa my sleeve for mydaw sle Roger that,Ro H A great chara Ag A great novel! Ag And we were An may have been may ho it isn’t. it isn’t I am not Isay a private life,private I said No, Heidl said No But it would But your viewpoint. your v Yes, Heidl said Yes
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king rm of any form of anyway. y,piratorially, and, and, confi . dence. ow. an say Who can say
that’s t they what they eeding re people feeding
uts. my My links. My
hs out noseof his nose wing y who exactly who
up nottoto be up to wasn’t speedup to speed
our Heidl world, Heidl ur he world, real the real meone to have someone
oIA. say the CIA. ys.’70s. The Laos. The
e, went and off he went
again withagain his euphemisms, with his euphemisms, his riddles,his hisriddles, rhetorical his formulatrhetorical formulations that could ions that meancould everything mean everything or nothing.or nothing. Or both. Or both. In Chile, heInsaid, Chile, as he if to said, torment as if tome torment further.me further. Chile? Chile? My codename, My codename, he said, was heIago. said, was Iago. But his tone Butwas his once tone more was once unsure, more as unsure, if he was as uncertain if he was uncertain of what heofshould what know he should and how knowmuch and how he did much know. he He didalways know. He always seemed able seemed to evoke ableatomystery, evoke abut mystery, the moment but theyou moment soughtyou sought to penetrate to the penetrate mystery, thehe mystery, sought he to sought escape what to escape it was what he it was he had just suggested. had just suggested. His first feint Hiswas firstto feint go was withto your go with building your building of the mystery, of theseeking mystery,toseeking draw you to draw in with youagreement in with agreement and and encouragement. encouragement. To have you Toinvent have you his invent lies. And hisatlies. theAnd beginat the beginning I fell ning for itI every fell fortime. it every At the time. end,Atperhaps the end,not perhaps enough. not enough. Perhaps I became Perhapsit.I became it. I am not what I amI not am,what I said.I am, I said. What? What? Iago. Iago. That’s what That’s I said.what I said. That’s what That’s Iago what said. Othello. Iago said. ButOthello. I will wear But Imy willheart wearupon my heart upon my sleeve for mydaws sleevetofor peck daws at: to I am peck notat:what I amI not am,what I said.I am, I said. Roger that,Roger Heidlthat, said.Heidl That’ssaid. me.That’s me. A great character, A great Icharacter, replied. I replied. A great novel! A great novel! And we were Andback, we were lost back, again,lost whirling again,inwhirling that vortex in that of itvortex of it may have been may have or it been may not or ityet may be;not it wasn’t yet be;orit itwasn’t is; it was or itoris; it was or it isn’t. it isn’t. I am not Isaying am not we saying have toweknow have everything to know everything about yourabout your private life,private I said. life, I said. No, Heidl said. No, Heidl said. But it would Butbeit good wouldif be wegood couldif just we could see a little just see of ita from little of it from your viewpoint. your viewpoint. Yes, Heidl said. Yes, Heidl But I don’t said. But haveI don’t a viewpoint. have a viewpoint. 25
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Your life, then. Your life, For then. one thing, For one readers thing,want readers that.want And that. for And for another itanother makes you it makes look you morelook sympathetic. more sympathetic. As someone As someone who thinkswho about thinks life, about his life.life, Thehisunexamined life. The unexamined life is not worth life is not worth living— living— Socrates. Socrates. —far less reading, —far lessI added, reading,surprised I added, that surprised Heidl that had Heidl spotted had spotted the allusion. the allusion. The problem, TheHeidl problem, said,Heidl is thatsaid, the examined is that the life examined is not worth life is not worth contemplating. contemplating. There wasThere a knock wasona the knock door, on and the door, Pia Carnevale and Pia Carnevale put her put her head in. head in. Gene would Gene likewould to see like you,toKif, seeshe you,said. Kif,Needs she said. youNeeds to go you to go over some over copysome with him. copy with him.
2
2
Gene PaleyGene wanted Paleynowanted such thing. no such Once thing. more, Once he wanted more, heto wanted to know howknow it washow going. it was going. Worse, I said. Worse, I said. I stood with I stood Genewith PaleyGene in TransPac’s Paley in TransPac’s basement basement car park car park where he was where showing he wasme showing one ofme his one executive’s of his executive’s cars, soon cars, to soon to be sold off,be a recent sold offmodel , a recent Nissan model Skyline Nissan GT-R, Skyline a much-coveted GT-R, a much-coveted car of its era. car It of would its era.beIt mine wouldforbesomine longfor as so I was longworking as I wasinworking in Melbourne.Melbourne. This is how This we’ll is how workwe’ll it, Gene workPaley it, Gene said,Paley his very said,white, his very white, very tiny fivery ngerstiny thatfiput ngers methat in mind put me of in the mind pawsofofthe a marsupial paws of a marsupial softly drumming softly drumming the car’s roof. the Icar’s wantroof. a first I want chapter a first from chapter you by from you by Friday. Until Friday. then Until consider thenyourself consideronyourself probation. on probation. If the chapter If the chapter isn’t what isn’t we’rewhat after,we’re we’llafter, consider we’llour consider experiment our experiment at an end. at an end. As you’ll have As you’ll read in have your read contract, in youryou’ll contract, be paid you’ll a quit be paid fee of a quit fee of five hundred fivedollars. hundred If, as dollars. we allIf, hope, as wethe allchapter hope, the passes chapter muster, passes muster, we will continue we willon. continue on. 26
It wasn’t what It w else in theelse contr in cheque or bulky chequ that was not that to w b I wanted to I wa only $220 only left in$ I didn’t know I didn h being rude. being In a as I had no as idea Ih Friday. I felt Friday my a way of telling a way reasonablereason case f so knowing, so so knod what was I?what w And so I said Ann Gene PaleyGe pi for the car.for Hethe p drove at home. drove An EH Holde An He laughed. He commonplace comm to unsafe; theunsafe mech them. I didn’t them. tel in to replace in the to r it leaked initthe leak ra winter, norwinter how Hop in, Gene Ho Nissan Skyline. Nissan T Sitting in the Sitt airliner. Gene airline Pa swaying slightly, swayin him the pale him indiff th a hedge fund a hedg ma
26
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nd nt that. for And for meone ic. As someone worth life is not worth
Heidl potted had spotted
dworth life is not worth
ut arnevale her put her
Needs to go you to go
ted e, heto wanted to
rsement park car park ve’s oon cars, to soon to oveted , a much-coveted ing wasinworking in
white, , his very white, ws supial of a marsupial you pterby from you by on. hapter If the chapter niment end. at an end. paid fee of a quit fee of muster, er passes muster,
It wasn’t what It wasn’t I had what expected. I hadNor expected. had I read Nor that had Iorread anything that or anything else in theelse contract. in the Icontract. had presumed I had presumed when I began whenthat I began some that some cheque or bulky chequeenvelope or bulkyofenvelope banknotes of banknotes would welcome wouldme. welcome But me. But that was not that to was be. not to be. I wanted to I wanted ask for to some ask cash for some up front, cash as upSuzy front,and as ISuzy had and I had only $220 only left in$220 ourleft bank in account our bankand account I didn’t and dare I didn’t touchdare it. touch it. I didn’t know I didn’t howknow you might how you go might about such go about things such without things without being rude. being In any rude. case, In it any was case, all it starting was alltostarting feel academic, to feel academic, as I had no as idea I hadhow no I’d ideaget how even I’daget chapter even aout chapter of Heidl out by of Heidl by Friday. I felt Friday. my tongue I felt my moving tongue in moving my mouth in my as Imouth tried toasfiInd tried to find a way of telling a way Gene of telling Paley, Gene making Paley,what making I feltwhat was the I feltvery was the very reasonablereasonable case for something case for something to live on. to Butlive theon. publisher But the was publisher was so knowing, so so knowing, definite—he so defiwas nite—he so many wasthings so many andthings who and and who and what was I?what was I? And so I said And nothing. so I said nothing. Gene PaleyGene picked Paley up on picked my confused up on mysilence confused as enthusiasm silence as enthusiasm for the car.for Hethe picked car. He up picked on many upthings. on many Hethings. asked what He asked car I what car I drove at home. drove at home. An EH Holden An EH wagon, Holden I said. wagon, I said. He laughed. HeWho laughed. wouldn’t? Who wouldn’t? A near thirty-year-old A near thirty-year-old car too car too commonplace commonplace to be loved, to too be loved, old totoo be anything old to be other anything thanother than unsafe; theunsafe; mechanics the mechanics were so primitive were so even primitive I could even work I could on work on them. I didn’t them. tellIGene didn’tPaley tell Gene of having Paley to of fibreglass having toafibreglass new floora new floor in to replace in the to replace one that thehad one rusted that had out.rusted I didn’tout. tellIhim didn’t of tell howhim of how it leaked initthe leaked rain,inhow thethere rain, how was no there heater wasto nodemist heaterthe to demist car in the car in winter, norwinter, how dangerous nor how dangerous the car wasthe in the car was wet.in the wet. Hop in, Gene HopPaley in, Gene said,Paley patting said, thepatting gleaming the roof gleaming of theroof of the Nissan Skyline. Nissan Try Skyline. it out. Try it out. Sitting in the Sitting bucket in the seatbucket felt like seat being felt like in the being cockpit in the of cockpit an of an airliner. Gene airliner. PaleyGene sat inPaley the passenger sat in the passenger seat, leaning seat, forward, leaning forward, swaying slightly, swaying eyes slightly, fixed on eyes something fixed on something or nothing,orand nothing, I saw inand I saw in him the pale him indiff theerence pale indiff of aerence secret policeman, of a secret policeman, a serial murderer, a serial murderer, a hedge fund a hedge manager. fund manager. 27
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If you want, If you Genewant, PaleyGene said,Paley I could said, payI could you with pay this youcar with this car rather thanrather in cash. than Yes? in cash. Yes? Suzy and I Suzy had talked and I had of what talked weofcould whatdo wewith could thedoten with thouthe ten thousand dollars—use sand dollars—use half to make halfa to bigmake payment a bigon payment the mortgage, on the mortgage, buy a twin buy pram, a twin a second pram,bassinet, a secondthe bassinet, hundred theand hundred one things and one a things a baby needed baby andneeded of which andwe of would which need we would two hundred need twoand hundred two. and two. It’s not a car It’sI’m notafter, a carII’m said,after, though I said, notthough without notregret. without It’s regret. It’s cash. cash. Paley m, Gene said,Paley flexing said, his fllips exing into hiswhat lips into may what have may have Mmm, Gene Mm been a smile been or amay smile have or may been have a threat. beenHis a threat. gaze dropped His gazeasdropped as if gravity or if gravity boredom or had boredom defeated hadwhat defeated smallwhat interest small heinterest had he had initially taken initially in me. taken in me. It’s not literature It’s not I’m literature after, he I’msaid, after,and hehis said, sadand eyes hislooked sad eyes looked up at me. It’s up aatpage me. turner, It’s a page Kif.turner, And forKif. such And a book for such thisacar book is athis car is a good swap.good swap. We returned We to returned Gene Paley’s to Gene offiPaley’s ce. He offi wasce.searching He was his searching his bookcases bookcases for some footballer for some memoirs footballer he memoirs wantedhe to wanted give meto give me as a form of as instruction a form of instruction and example andwhen example his phone when rang. his phone He rang. He picked up the picked receiver. up theAsreceiver. a distantAsvoice a distant crackled, voiceGene crackled, Paley’s Gene Paley’s face gripped face in gripped a suddenincontortion. a sudden contortion. Jez Dempster! Jez he Dempster! cried, enunciating he cried, enunciating each syllable each as syllable if he had as if he had just confronted just confronted an excruciating an excruciating horror he had horror hoped he had to avoid. hoped to avoid. With his free With hand hishe free waved handme he waved to the door. me to the door.
3
3
At the small At the conference small conference table where table we where workedweHeidl worked wasHeidl was diminished,diminished, exhausted,exhausted, prevaricating. prevaricating. He seemed Hephysically seemed physically small and small personally and personally insignificant. insignifi I must cant. have I must seen have images seen of images of Heidl a hundred Heidl atimes hundred or more timeson orTV more andoninTV theand papers, in the butpapers, but I couldn’t Ireally couldn’t recallreally anything recallabout anything him.about And even him. working And even working with him itwith was him hardittowas see hard him. to I remember see him. I remember he didn’t have he didn’t muchhave much 28
hair and hehair wasan apart fromapart that— f he was. Ray he som wa a description a desc of beginning,beginn he wa But when IBut re sitting behind sitting the seemed bigger, seeme ta It was as ifIt the was allowed him allowe to b sitting in the sitting tub an equal, but an equ aw clerk. If it was clerk. ac be put to some be put g Heidl stood Heu place at theplace confea he was. he wa That’s a much Th said, whichsaid, wasw t other workother done He smiled,He tu back downback in thd I realised that I reali it His body stretche His bo informal, and inform he harder matter harder o stayed larger. stayed No all he everallwas— he wanted to be wante beh I suppose, Isomeo supp might missmight in an You’re doing Youa executive’sexecut chair.
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you his car with this car
with thouthe ten thouon tgage, the mortgage, hings and one a things a hundred d two. and two. et. thout It’s regret. It’s
y what have may have ped gazeasdropped as he l interest had he had
ooked sad eyes looked book ar is athis car is a
was ng his searching his ve nted meto give me ng. phone He rang. He Paley’s ed, Gene Paley’s
he able had as if he had oid. oped to avoid.
dlrked wasHeidl was emed sically physically eges seen of images of rs,the butpapers, but nd orking even working didn’t muchhave much
hair and hehair wasand of he indeterminate was of indeterminate age, small,age, slightly small, stout, slightly but stout, but apart fromapart that—and from that—and his twitching his cheek—it’s twitching cheek—it’s hard to sayhard whatto say what he was. Ray he sometimes was. Ray sometimes called himcalled the hobgoblin. him the hobgoblin. It’s as goodIt’s as good a description a description of the littleofsorcerer the littleassorcerer any I can as off anyer.I From can offthe er. From the beginning,beginning, he was always he was there always and never there to andbenever found. to be found. But when IBut returned when Ifrom returned Genefrom Paley’s Gene offiPaley’s ce and found office and himfound him sitting behind sitting thebehind large executive’s the large executive’s desk he wasdesk another he was man. another He man. He seemed bigger, seemed taller, bigger, moretaller, authoritative, more authoritative, and somehow and certain. somehow certain. It was as ifIt the wasintimations as if the intimations of power that of power the desk thatsuggested the desk suggested allowed him allowed to behave him as to ifbehave he himself as if he were himself powerful, were while powerful, I, while I, sitting in the sitting tub in chair the at tubthechair conference at the conference table, was table, no longer was no longer an equal, but an equal, a wretched but a minion, wretched a stenographer, minion, a stenographer, a subservient a subservient clerk. If it was clerk. a charade, If it was ait charade, was one it that wasI thought one thatmight I thought at least might at least be put to some be put good. to some good. Heidl stood Heidl up and stood was upabout and was to walk aboutback to walk around back to around his to his place at theplace conference at the conference table whentable I suggested when I he suggested just stayhe where just stay where he was. he was. That’s a much That’s more a much comfortable more comfortable chair than chair the ones thanhere, the ones I here, I said, whichsaid, waswhich true. And, was true. besides, And, it’sbesides, easier for it’syou easier to get for you yourto get your other workother done.work done. He smiled,He turned, smiled, andturned, without and any without furtherany consideration further consideration sat sat back downback in the down executive’s in the executive’s chair behind chair thebehind executive’s the executive’s desk. desk. I realised that I realised it wasthat the itfirst wastime the Ifirst hadtime seenI him had so seen at him ease.so at ease. His body stretched, His body his stretched, language hischanged, languagehis changed, diction his grew diction moregrew more informal, and informal, he seemed and he able seemed to balance able to both balance smallboth talk and small thetalk and the harder matter harder of matter answering of answering my questions. my questions. And he somehow And he somehow stayed larger. stayed Notlarger. that he Not wasn’t that he stillwasn’t evasive—in still evasive—in a way that’s a way that’s all he everallwas—but he ever he was—but seemedhetoseemed be finally to be behaving finally as behaving he as he wanted to be wanted behaving; to be being behaving; whatbeing he wished what to he be—which wished to be—which was, was, I suppose, Isomeone suppose, of someone note, but of also note,a but conformist, also a conformist, a man youa man you might missmight in anymiss crowd. in any crowd. You’re doing You’re an excellent doing anjob, excellent Kif, hejob, said,Kif, leaning he said, back leaning in theback in the executive’sexecutive’s chair. I’ve told chair. Gene I’ve how told Gene impressed how impressed I am. I am. 29
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Thank you,Thank Siegfried, you, ISiegfried, said, typing I said, as Ityping spoke,asadopting I spoke,the adopting the tone of an tone inferior. of an inferior. Behind theBehind executive’s the executive’s desk, Heidldesk, brought Heidl hisbrought hands together his hands together and crossing and hiscrossing fingers his cracked fingers hiscracked knuckles hisasknuckles he slowly asrocked he slowly rocked in his chair.inIt’s hisnot chair. thatIt’s a dog not looks that aadog king looks on aathrone, king onI athought. throne, I thought. It is that everyone It is that agrees everyone it isagrees no longer it is no a dog. longer Perhaps a dog.some Perhaps some hatred of him hatred wasofalready him was growing alreadyingrowing my heart. in my heart. Now we really Nowneed we really to work, needI said. to work, I said. Of course.Of Why course. else would Why else I bewould here? I be here? The CIA? Tell Theme CIA? what Tellthat me was whatlike. that was like. I told you. I told you. Laos. The secret Laos. The war.secret Tell me war. about Tell that. me about that. I was neverI in was Laos. never Who in Laos. told you Whothat? told you that? Langley? Langley? You expectYou me expect to tell you? me to tell you? Well—yes, Well—yes, I said, I do.I said, For the I do. two Forhundred the twoand hundred fifty grand and fifty grand they’re paying they’re youpaying I do. Not you all I do. of Not it, but all some of it, of butit.some Maybe. of it. Maybe. What about What Germany? about Germany? As I talked,As I was I talked, desperately I was desperately searching my searching inadequate my inadequate knowknowledge of early ledge 1970s of early Germany. 1970s Germany. I guess youI were guessworking you wereonworking Baader-Meinhof on Baader-Meinhof ? I asked. ? I asked. I knew theI Jackal. knew the Carlo, Jackal. theyCarlo, calledthey him.called But that’s him. But off the that’s off the record. Werecord. were focused We were onfocused Stasi mainly. on Stasi mainly. The Jackal The is good. Jackal is good. What? Heidl What? said,Heidl and I said, knewand thatI knew too, whatever that too,itwhatever was, wasit was, was gone. gone. Heidl walked Heidl overwalked to a light over switch to a light and switch lookedand at itlooked suspiciously. at it suspiciously. You do know Youwhat do know they do what if you theytell? do ifheyou said. tell? he said. Tell me. Tell me. Laughing, Laughing, he went to he thewent executive’s to the executive’s desk and lifted deskthe andphone lifted the phone handset. handset. You have to Youunderstand, have to understand, Ziggy Heidl Ziggy said.Heidl The life said.doesn’t The life doesn’t account foraccount the achievement. for the achievement. Look at Papa LookDoc, at Papa say, he Doc, said. say, he said. 30
Augusto Pinoche Augus it needs in itway need o Walt Disney? Wa Exactly. That’s Exa Why? I asked. Wh Why? Heidl Wh s Why! Why! Why! It’s explanation. explan But What do you Wh There is noTh w
And the great And nt abruptly asabrup it had magic, a seeming magic Okay. I’ll tell Oky it’s known.it’s kn I waited. And Iw the first or the the filar The goat, he Ths A kid. Ak He pointedHe a fi a kid to hand a kid raist The CIA gave Th Roger that,RoH But it’s so you But it’ le You have toYou h Heidl looked He They’re nice Tha Kids. Kid Kids? Kids Kid are
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ng ke,the adopting the
gether is hands together he ocked slowly rocked ought. hrone, I thought. g.some Perhaps some .
dgrand and fifty grand Maybe. me of it. Maybe.
nadequate knowknow-
of ? I asked. But off the that’s off the
tever s, wasit was, was
iously. at it suspiciously. d.
dphone lifted the phone
oesn’t The life doesn’t Doc, e said. say, he said.
Augusto Pinochet, AugustoWalt Pinochet, Disney. Walt TheDisney. achievement The achievement invents theinvents life the life it needs in itway needs of explanation. in way of explanation. Walt Disney? Walt Disney? Exactly. That’s Exactly. what That’s I’m saying. what I’m saying. Why? I asked. Why? I asked. Why? Heidl Why? suddenly Heidl shouted, suddenlyslamming shouted, slamming the phone the down. phone down. Why! Why! Why! It’s Why! an ageIt’s that an thinks age that for thinks every act for every there is actanthere is an explanation. explanat But there ion.isn’t. But there Why isn’t. this? Why that? this? Why that? What do you What mean? do you mean? There is noThere why! is Heidl no why! screamed. Heidl screamed.
4
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And the great And necromancer the great necromancer that he was, thathisherage was,vanished his rage asvanished as abruptly asabruptly it had arisen, as it had andarisen, in its place and in there its place appeared, there as appeared, if by as if by magic, a seeming magic, agift. seeming gift. Okay. I’ll tell Okay. you I’ll onetell thing, you Heidl one thing, said. Heidl Just one said. thing. Just Because one thing. Because it’s known.it’s known. I waited. And I waited. he toldAnd mehe thetold baby megoat thestory baby for goatthe story second for the or second or the first or the the filast rst time. or the last time. The goat, he The said. goat, A baby he said. goat—what A baby goat—what do you calldo it? you call it? A kid. A kid. He pointedHe a fipointed nger at me. a finger That’s at me. it. AThat’s kid! Well, it. Athey kid! give Well,you they give you a kid to hand a kid raise. to hand raise. The CIA gave Theyou CIAagave goat?you a goat? Roger that,Roger Heidlthat, said,Heidl his tone said,more his tone confimore dent. confi Crazy, dent. eh? Crazy, eh? But it’s so you But it’s learn. so you learn. You have toYou hand have feed to it? hand feed it? Heidl looked Heidl at me, looked as ifatinme, surprise. as if in surprise. They’re nice They’re animals, nicebaby animals, goats.baby Smart. goats. Smart. Kids. Kids. Kids? Kids Kids? are very Kidssmart. are very Forsmart. a goat.For And a goat. they bond And they withbond with 31
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