9781529911411

‘A lovely, hilarious book’ Joel Dommett

Wendy?

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William Hanson is an etiquette consultant and expert in all things ‘proper’, working with royalty, businesses and individuals, adding polish and confidence to their lives.

William and Jordan are from very different worlds.

Jordan North is a radio and TV presenter, star of I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here, and self-professed expert in all things ‘common’.

*

‘Hilarious’ Maya Jama

WILLIAM HANSON AND JORDAN NORTH

‘Help . . . I love this book!’

Jamie Laing ‘Hilarious and awful at the same time’ Scott Mills ‘This generation’s Ant and Dec. If one of them was really posh.

Great read’ Vicky Pattison

Front image photo: © Natasha Pszenicki Back cover illustrations: Ebyan Egal ISBN: 978 1 529 91141 1 Design: Emma Grey Gelder

WILLIAM HANSON AND JORDAN NORTH

They both started the Help I Sexted My Boss podcast in 2018, which has attracted millions of loyal listeners, known as G&Divas.

How do you ask your mate for that £50 back? When is it OK to trump in front of your partner?

And what should you do if you’ve accidentally sexted your boss?

William’s an etiquette expert, with his tongue firmly in his teacup and unparalleled knowledge of table linen. Jordan’s a TV and radio presenter, the patron saint of Burnley and an expert in all things common.

Together they’ve entertained millions of listeners worldwide with their hit podcast Help I Sexted My Boss.

Now, they’ve pooled all of their wisdom on how to get through life’s most awkward moments.

From candlelight suppers to picky teas, first dates to flatmate dramas, Help I Sexted My Boss is full of both useful and useless advice. This is your indispensable guide to navigating the trepidation and challenges of modern life.

Can I borrow your potato peeler?

CENTURY PENGUIN RANDOM HOUSE 20 VAUXHALL BRIDGE ROAD LONDON SW1V 2SA

www.penguin.co.uk

HUMOUR I S B N 978-1-529-91141-1

9

781529 911411

6 4 2 9 5

C C E N T U RY

A hilarious guide to avoiding life’s awkward moments

£20.00 CAN $42.95

WILLIAM HANSON AND JORDAN NORTH

WILLIAM HANSON AND JORDAN NORTH

C CENTURY

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 Century 20 Vauxhall Bridge Road London sw1v 2sa Century is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

Copyright © William Hanson and Jordan North 2023 William Hanson and Jordan North have asserted their right to be identified as the authors of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

First published by Century in 2023 www.penguin.co.uk A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. isbn: 9781529911411 Illustrations by Ebyan Egal Typeset in 11.75 /17pt Georgia Pro Regular by Jouve (UK), Milton Keynes Printed and bound in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, Elcograf S.p.A. The authorised representative in the EEA is Penguin Random House Ireland, Morrison Chambers, 32 Nassau Street, Dublin d02 yh68 www.greenpenguin.co.uk Penguin Random House is committed to a sustainable future for our business, our readers and our planet. This book is made from Forest Stewardship Council® certified paper.

To G&Divas, past, present and future.

Contents

Introduction

1

Finding Love

8

Relationships

39

Saying I Do

65

Friends

85

Family

109

House Shares

133

Home

150

Dinner Parties

166

House Parties

192

Eating Out

213

Night on the Town

233

Working Out

261

The Body

278

Job Hunting

299

Professional Life

318

Conclusion

357

Introduction Picture the scene. You’re casually standing at a luxury party with a friend, sipping a glass of something fizzy, when all of a sudden a ​­wide-​­eyed individual comes bounding up to you, smiling as if they’ve just won the lottery.

‘Darling,’ they squeal enthusiastically. ‘It’s been so long.

How are you? I’ve been meaning to get in touch.’ As they witter on, it dawns on you that while the face may be familiar, the person’s name is nowhere near the tip of your tongue.

As you respond with an ​­over-​­the-​­top ‘oh wow, it’s so good to see you too’, your brain works overtime to spot any clues that might help you work out who the hell this person is, before you try to find an ingenuous way of introducing them to your friend. But ​­then – ​before you know ​­it – ​that moment you’ve been dreading arrives. Expectant eyes fall on you, as the newcomer awaits their introduction. You feel your heart beat a little faster and your cheeks flush, but no matter how deep you root around in your brain, a name is not forthcom­ ing and you want nothing more than to simply melt into the ground.

Does this sound familiar? Of course it does; it happens to us all, so you really don’t need to beat yourself up about it. But in 1

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the heat of the moment, it’s easy to feel like the rudest person to have ever walked the earth! Yes, you may have met this person for five minutes eighteen months ​­ago – ​which makes it forgivable and understandable that you don’t remember their​ ­name – ​but the notion of leaving someone feeling crushed that they haven’t made quite the impact on you they may have desired is sometimes hard to bear.

As ​­happy-​­go-​­lucky as life can be, there are times when we can find ourselves in embarrassing situations where we desperately want the world to open up and swallow us whole. This is where etiquette can come in and save us all. By definition, etiquette ‘is a set of courteous rules based on societal norms’.

While you might think etiquette is a practice from yesteryear, when men wore pantaloons and women were trussed up in tight corsets in lavish courts, you’d be wrong. We still abide by rules of etiquette, and they still help the world to run smoothly, but things do change as the world evolves.

While there have been many books written about etiquette over the years, a lot of them are formal, rooted in history, and not really relevant to life in the twenty-​­ ​­ first century.

Which is where this rather fabulous tome comes in. This book is different from the rest because it has been written by two best friends who come from very different sides of the tracks. And here our tracks shall divide; so allow us to introduce ourselves.

••• Jordan: You have William Hanson, the UK’s leading etiquette expert . . .

2

Introduction

William: . . . and Jordan North, the radio and TV presenter who very nearly won the 2020 series of ITV’s I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here! after conquering his fear of snakes, ​­heights – ​and working a full five-​­ ​­ day week.

Jordan: I work very hard, I’ll have you know! Together, William and I host a podcast called Help I Sexted My Boss, in which we offer advice to help navigate the challenges of modern life. In this book, we’ve pooled all of our wisdom together to create our definitive guide.

William: But why us, I hear you ask. When I was a young lad growing up in Bristol, my grandmother (‘Etiquette Granny’) gifted me a book about etiquette that I devoured in one sitting. Inspired by its teachings, I read more and more books on the subject and began to lead my life based on what I had learned. Renowned for my fledgling expertise, I was asked by teachers at my school to instruct the younger pupils on how to set a ​­table – ​a role that caught the eye of the local press and titles as prestigious as Tatler. After school, I was approached to join The English Manner, a very​ ­well-​­respected etiquette training institute, and this saw me sent round the world on ​­napkin-​­related business, as well as invited onto a variety of TV programmes and radio stations to talk about all manner of topics, from tipping and queuing to greeting royalty. That was how I met my Sexted sidekick.

Jordan: I was a runner at a radio station in Manchester when I met William for the first time in 2011. We were chalk and cheese. He was dead posh and used all these big words, and from the look of him in his sensible jumper, I reckoned he was a forty-​­ ​­ year-​­old fella who spent his nights at home 3

Help I Sexted My Boss

sipping sherry with his librarian wife. (I guess I’m not good at first impressions, as it turned out we were both twenty-​ ​­ ­one at the time and William didn’​­t – ​and never w ​­ ould – ​have a wife!) I, on the other hand, was from a w ​­ orking-​­class family from Burnley and loved going out and drinking Guinness.

I had a proper northern upbringing, with my dad Graham and my mum Wendy, who ultimately helped shape my outlook on life, which is very different to William’s.

William: Our friendship blossomed, and when we started our podcast in 2018 we had no idea it would be so popular.

Jordan: For the first few months, it was just our friends and family who listened. But over time, more and more people told their mates and our audience grew and grew.

William: Sexted wouldn’t be what it is today if it weren’t for our listeners, who we affectionately refer to as G&Divas, and their willingness to share their dilemmas. Because you’re reading this book, you’re now officially a G&Diva too, so welcome to the gang!

Jordan: That nickname comes from the drink William and I fill our glasses with at the start of each podcast ​­episode – ​ gin and Dubonnet.

William: For the uninitiated, gin and Dubonnet is a ‘refreshingly fruity drink with a slightly bitter edge’ that was the favourite drink of both late Queens Elizabeth. If you want to sip one (responsibly – ​it’s very strong) while reading​ ­along – ​and we very much hope you do ​­ – ​please do!

4

Introduction

William and Jordan’s ­perfect G&D recipe

1 part gin (a regular gin, not a ​­new-​­fangled ­flavoured one) 2 parts Dubonnet Ice cubes (not crushed ice) Citrus peel (orange if you have a sweet tooth; lemon if you prefer a more bitter flavour) Add the ingredients into a lowball tumbler with a heavy bottom and delicate rim. Stir. Enjoy.

William: What has helped Jordan and I become accom­­ plished agony uncles are the varied letters, emails and messages we have received from our G&Divas over the years.

Jordan: Most touch on dating and relationship dilemmas, family fallouts and work-​­ ​­ related dramas, but from time to time we hear about some outrageous s​­ tuff – ​like the guy who seduced his boyfriend’s cousin while wearing a S ​­ pider-​­Man costume.

William: We can safely say we have heard it all! It’s these many stories that have helped shape the writing of this book.

Jordan: Don’t forget the couple who were left speechless when they found a p ​­ oo-​­filled condom in their mate’s freezer!

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William: Apparently, this practice is known as ‘iglooing’, and it will be forever tattooed on my mind.

Jordan: Mine too.

William: In this book we won’t be concentrating ​­ – ​as I do in my day job as an etiquette coach (yes, that is an actual job, despite what HMRC tell me) – ​on how to behave at Buckingham Palace or what to do at Ascot. This is an essential handbook for those of you who perhaps have to worry less about how to address a bishop during Lent and are more concerned about what to do if you catch your flatmate enjoying themselves in the kitchen.

Jordan: Yes, this book isn’t for Lord and Lady Uppercrust, it’s for people like you and ​­me – ​the Dukes and Duchesses of Wetherspoons.

William: If you do have a more refined mind, I will also be sharing useful ​­things – ​like how to set the perfect dinner table, explaining what you should and shouldn’t wear to the office, and some little bits of history that you can impress your friends with. These titbits are affectionately referred to as my ‘etiquettemologies’. We’ll be laying down our golden rules but also responding to real-​­ ​­ life dilemmas from our dear G&Divas. But before we proceed, let me make clear that neither Jordan nor I are qualified experts in offering life advice. We are not therapists, counsellors, or anything remotely resembling such esteemed roles. So don’t take anything we say too seriously. But in these chapters we will be offering you our very humble advice on a range of everyday dilemmas, from house shares to house parties and from nights out to working out.

6

Introduction

Jordan: Right. Everyone’s up to speed. It’s time to grab your gin and Dubonnet and get stuck in! We really hope you enjoy reading this book as much as we have enjoyed writing it.

William and Jordan

7

William’s more be still my beating heart; ­ Jordan’s more shut up you tart.

Finding Love

Until you find the one, the long, winding road to love is never ​­easy – ​it’s full of U-​­ ​­ turns, dead ends and the odd pothole, as the listeners of our podcast have told us over the years. Many of the letters and emails we get relate to the world of dating. People want to know the answers to the big questions, like how they should style their dating profiles, where’s good and where’s bad for that h ​­ igh-​­stakes first date, and how they can smoothly and courteously take things to the next level. We’ll start the book by offering our thoughts on this most tricky of topics.

••• William: As the great romantic novels and cinematic masterpieces of the past have taught us, finding that special someone is for many the end goal, one that will ultimately bring eternal happiness . . .

Jordan: . . . or even a bit of fun along the way!

William: But with so many people looking for Mr, Miss or Mx Right, navigating the choppy waters of the dating ocean in this hectic day and age is far from easy, especially when so many sharks are lurking beneath the surface, ready to snap them up. In fact, even though there are so many ways of finding a potential ​­sole-​­mate, it seems to be harder than ever to meet someone, as there are so many other ravenous fish in the sea all looking for that special someone to fall for, hook, line and sinker.

Jordan: Ooh, I’m living for your fishy puns, William, you’re piranha roll! We all want to find that person who is shrimply 9

Help I Sexted My Boss

the best. You know, that fi ​­ n-t​­ astic partner who will make you stop and think to yourself, ‘Oh. My. Cod! I want to reel them in, date them and make it o-​­ ​­ fish-​­al!’

William: Jordan, enough of the fish puns.

Jordan: You started it.

William: Yes, and now I’m finishing it. Right. Let’s get down to what we do best.

Jordan: What? Getting pissed on gin and Dubonnet?

William: And offering some very helpful advice . . .

Help! How can I meet my soulmate?

Jordan: Meeting people can be tough. It’s not that there’s a shortage of ways to find ​‘the one’ – ​you’ve got bars, you can meet someone out and about, there are loads of apps. But making an approach is just a nightmare. Not only are most people worried about getting pied . . .

William: What’s ‘pied’? As in custard?

Jordan: Like, ignored.

William: Ah, I see.

Jordan: What’s the secret, then, for catching someone’s eye?

William: Well, first of all you actually have to approach them.

Jordan: That’s the hardest bloody part!

10

Finding Love

William: But it’s essential! It doesn’t have to be as hard as you think, because the same rules of normal everyday conversation apply to dating. You should be positive and upbeat. For Brits in particular, it’s very typical for us to be s​­ elf-​­deprecating or say something negative like: ‘Oh gosh, what terrible weather we’re having today.’ So say something positive, because that’s a very attractive quality. ‘Oh, what a fantastic bar this is’ or ‘Gosh, isn’t this song great?’

Jordan: So I shouldn’t say ‘This DJ’s rubbish’ or ‘The bar is a bit scruffy’?

William: No, because then you’ll sound snarky and the other person will think to themselves, ‘I know nothing about this guy apart from the fact that he complains.’ Not a good first impression!

Jordan: So I should walk up to someone with a smile and give them a ​­chat-​­up line?

William: Don’t make it look like your intention is to merely chat them up. Start a simple conversation, like: ‘What a great view this place has.’ If you get good signals back, then you can slightly change tack and get a bit flirty. I would never go up to a guy and use some awful ​­chat-​­up line, like: ‘Know what’s on the menu? ​­Me-​­N-​­U.’ I would just say to him, ‘The interior design here is divine.’

Jordan: Jokes are fine, but I’d definitely avoid cheesy chat-​ ​­ ­up lines like ‘Do you like The Flintstones ? Do you wanna go back to mine and make my bed-​­ ​­ rock?’

William: If anyone said that to me, I’d swing for them . . .

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Jordan: ‘Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?’ Yeah, avoid all of them.

William: Yes, that’s for the best!

Jordan: William, why don’t we ​­role-​­play? Say I’m at a ​­bar – ​ how would you come up to me?

William: I’d have to be pretty desperate. But OK, for the purposes of education.

William and Jordan’s fake date

William: Good evening, what a lovely shacket!

Jordan: Thank you. It’s from M&S. I’m Jordan, by the way.

William: Oh, hello, I’m William. Are you having a nice time?

Jordan: Yeah, just waiting for a couple of friends.

They’re running a bit late.

William: Are they friends from community college?

Jordan: Look, if you fancy a quickie, we can go to the toilets, but they’re going to be here in ten minutes.

William: Ten minutes?

Jordan: Yeah.

William: We’ve got time to do it twice.

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Finding Love

Jordan: So that’s not how to approach someone, right?

William: I would say it started off all right. It took a turn.

Jordan: What are you talking about? What could be better than that?

William: It was positive. It started out with a nice​ ­compliment – ​and, notice, I wasn’t complimenting a physical attribute of yours.

Jordan: Is that ever OK? William: Well, you can later on, down the line, but I probably wouldn’t say something like . . .

Jordan: ‘Hi, you’ve got a really nice head.’

William: . . . or words to that effect. Something like: ‘Your arse looks great in those trousers.’

Jordan: Has Mikey ever told you your arse looks good in something?

William: Well, Mikey is my husband, so he often pays me compliments. But I’m not discussing my arse, so let’s move on. Oh, and for anyone who is reading this book and hasn’t listened to the ​­podcast – ​according to Jordan, Mikey’s a​ ­bald-​­headed, ​­middle-​­aged builder from Wakefield, who grafts long hours on building sites up and down the country. In reality, Mikey’s a handsome journalist and producer.

But he was born vaguely near Wakefield, so there’s a bit of truth in there.

13

Help I Sexted My Boss

Help! How do I write my dating profile?

Jordan: One way to get around having to go up to someone in a bar is to go online.

William: Online dating is basically just dating. The stigma surrounding it has completely gone because it’s just so de rigueur. Everything is online.

Jordan: ​­Deri-​­what?

William: De rigueur. It’s French. It means ‘necessary according to etiquette’.

Jordan: If you say so. I do everything online. I even get my milk off an app.

William: To ensure you successfully attract an appropriate suitor you must think carefully about your profile. As you do in person, you have to represent who you are, not who you want to be.

Jordan: I’ve never really done the dating profile thing but I’ve helped friends make them. You should definitely get your mates to help you pick your pictures, because apparently, nine times out of ten, people pick the worst pictures of themselves.

First things first, no stupid filters. No bunny ears.

William: And no sunglasses. If you really want to post a picture of yourself wearing sunglasses, don’t make it your first one. Instead, let potential suitors see your eyes first, because the eyes are, after all, the windows to the soul, and so we should see them in all their glory. Also, don’t have too many 14

Finding Love

other people in your photos. One group shot is enough to show you’ve got a social life. But make sure any featured friends are objectively less attractive so you always look better. Attractive friends will only make you look worse.

Jordan: I’ve got a friend who was swiped once on Tinder and asked: ‘Hi, is your friend in the picture single?’ The bloody cheek! ​­Oh – ​and absolutely no photos of you holding up a big fish that you’ve caught, or posing with ‘sleeping’ tigers on your gap year!

William: If you do include a shot of your friends amongst your profile pics, then, out of courtesy, ask them for their permission. There’s nothing I’d hate more than to have an unapproved image of me being used as bait without my knowledge. Just don’t let them know that you’ve specifically chosen the photo because you look better than them.

Jordan: You know what? I’ve never actually written a dating profile before. How would you start, William?

William: Well, why don’t you write one for me . . .

Jordan: Erm . . . ‘William is outgoing, snooty’!

William: Snooty?!?!

Jordan: Yeah, snooty.

William: Well, I wouldn’t say I’m snooty! Just fussy!

Jordan: Fussy? Snooty, William, snooty. Anyway, ‘William is snooty. ​­Mid-​­thirties. Flirty. Likes Keeping Up Appearances. Irons his pants. Old-​­ ​­ fashioned but a hoot, teaches etiquette . . .’

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William: . . . I’m never going to get any matches if you say that!

Jordan: ‘. . . but is quite bad-​­ ​­ mannered in the bedroom.’

William: Wow. Jordan: That’ll hook them in. Go on, write mine.

William: ‘Northern.’

Jordan: That’s not my only trait.

William: ‘Beard.’

William’s dating profile for Jordan

Jordan, 33 (but showbiz age is 27) Rough, ready, and able to make you laugh.

I do the show in the afternoon on BBC Radio 1 and appear on telly from time to time.

Hobbies include watching Burnley Football Club and supping Guinness, often together.

If you find fart jokes funny we’re going to get along like a house on fire.

I love a night in scoffing a picky tea, but don’t let that put you off. It tastes better than it looks.

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You may have seen me on ITV’s I’m a Celebrity, but I don’t like to talk about that . . . except to say it was the best thing I’ve ever done. (But never again, pal. Never again.) ​­BYODGB – ​Bring Your Own ​­Dressing-​­Gown Belt.

Jordan: OK, some context is needed. If you don’t know what a picky tea is, it’s like a big beige buffet of all those bits at the bottom of your freezer, and I am a huge fan! And yeah, I was on I’m a Celeb and might mention it from time to time. And finally, I once said on the podcast that I was tied up with a dressing-gown belt . . . it was a joke!

Jordan’s dating profile for William

William, 34 (but acts like a ​­60-​­year-​­old) A bubbly, fun, flirty, thirty-​­ ​­ something desperately seeking love with Mr Right or Mr Right Now. If not, a platonic relationship with sitcom superstar Hyacinth Bucket will suffice.

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Hobbies include telling people how to live their lives properly, constantly correcting the way they speak, rearranging cutlery, folding napkins, wishing I was the Queen Mother and going out more than the cat!

I adore Mary Poppins and saw the West End production around 6,000 times, in spite of the multiple restraining orders raised by the lead actress.

People say I walk around with a plum in my mouth, but I’d rather have two big juicy ones in there instead.

William: Jordan! My mouth isn’t that big! But yes, I do love the TV comedy Keeping Up Appearances, and my job as an etiquette consultant means that I do know a lot about setting a table. There wasn’t a restraining order, honest . . .

Help! How do I start chatting on a dating app?

Jordan: So, you’ve set yourself up online, got the profile sorted, chosen the best pictures, and now you come across someone you fancy. The first thing I would say to break the ice is: ‘Hey! How you doing?’

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Finding Love

William: Jordan, no ! You must never say ‘hey’. You are not giving the other person anything to work with!

Jordan: Oh, come off it. ‘Hi. How are you?’ is fine.

William: Good grief, no. You should actually use something that you see on their profile as a conversation opener. Let’s say I have come across you . . .

Jordan: You wish, you dirty bugger . . .

William: . . . and on your profile there’s a picture of you at the football and I can see it’s Turf Moor. Then I can say to you: ‘Oh, Turf Moor. You’re a Burnley fan then, are you?’

Jordan: I’d reply: ‘No shit, Sherlock.’

William: Then I’d probably just block you.

Jordan: OK, OK, let me play along. ‘Oh, I see you’re a big Keeping Up Appearances fan. I used to watch that with my mum when I was younger.’

William: ‘Oh, lovely.’ See ​­ – ​a highbrow intellectual conversation begins . . .

Jordan: That’s actually good. I could then ask: ‘Who’s your favourite character?’

William: And I’d reply: ‘Hyacinth, obviously.’

Jordan: ‘Who’s your ​­second-​­favourite character?’

William: ‘Elizabeth.’

Jordan: ‘Mine’s Onslow.’

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William: ‘Well, of course. I’m more of a Hyacinth.’

Jordan: ‘I’m more of an Onslow.’ See, this is working! ‘Do you fancy a drink?’

William: ‘What? A cup of tea? Yes ​­ – ​just don’t spill it on my rug.’

Jordan: Blocked!

William: It’s a Keeping Up Appearances reference. But yes, there we go. You use something that you can see on the profile and go from there.

Jordan: And the next thing you know, you’re at it on the very same ​­tea-​­stained rug!

William: Charming. Who says romance is dead?

Help! Where should we go on a first date?

William: Lots of people find it very hard to decide where they would like to take their potential lover on a date. They get all ​­wishy-​­washy and try to open the topic up for debate. It’s good to be demonstrative.

Jordan: Demonstrative?

William: When someone makes a firm decision. I would say: ‘Jordan, would you like to go on a date? I was thinking of Starbucks,’ rather than me asking you ‘Where do you want to go?’ That way the pressure is taken off you. It’s nice sometimes for someone to take the initiative and pick a

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Finding Love

restaurant for their date. But I would suggest that wherever you end up, you keep the first date short, just in case it goes terribly. A coffee maybe, not a whole meal. And never invite anyone around to your place for the first meeting. From a safety point of view, that’s most definitely not a good idea.

Jordan: The first date should always be simple, like a coffee or a drink. Then maybe next time a meal, and then bowling or the cinema or walking in the park for the third date.

William: Going to the cinema is without a doubt a terrible idea in the early days of dating, because you’re not talking to each other.

Jordan: And? William: The whole idea of a date is for you to get to know someone better.

Jordan: But at the cinema, if the date is going badly, you can watch the film instead. So should the third date be something a bit quirky?

William: Yes, like a pottery date.

Jordan: Anything but an escape room. I hate escape rooms. I just don’t get them. We went to an escape room when we were on one of our podcast ​­live-​­show tours and I just didn’t have the patience for it. It was just lots of A ​­ -​­level drama students running around pretending to be bloody pirates with strong Leeds accents.

William: Taking a date, particularly early on, to an escape room might be considered a bit sinister anyway! Why would

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anyone want to be trapped in a locked room with someone they’ve only just met?

Jordan: Great, you’ve convinced me even more now that escape rooms are rubbish.

William: Sorry to the escape room industry.

Jordan: OK, so now we have it down. First date is a drink, the second is a meal. Third date is an activity and the fourth date is Netflix and chill.

William: Or for the gay community, Disney+ and chill. And for the ​­over-​­fifties, BritBox and chill.

Jordan: And for the ​­over-​­sixties?

William: The Saga holiday brochure and chill.

Help! What should I talk about on a date?

Dear William and Jordan, I’m going on a first date with someone I’ve been chatting to on a dating app for a few weeks. I really like them but I’m nervous about what we’ll end up talking about. Exes, politics, whether we prefer William or ​ ­Jordan – ​there are so many potential conversational trip hazards! How can I strike a balance between keeping the conversation flowing without steering into topics that could potentially become uncomfortable?

Alex

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Finding Love

Jordan: You should both be as open as possible to see exactly what kind of people you are. Obviously if they share similar views to Mussolini or support Blackburn Rovers, you know it’s time to leave.

William: Yes, fascists don’t make great partners; they tend to be very ​­self-​­centred. But I must admit, I don’t think I would hold anything back.

Jordan: Not even about your political views?

William: That’s perhaps a little heavy for the first or second date. To be honest, if you like them as a person, it shouldn’t matter if they’re ​­left-​­wing and you’re right-​­ ​­ wing, or whatever. You’ve got to agree on the basic trajectory of life, I guess, but if they’re a Labour voter and you’re a Tory supporter, it matters very little. It’d be like Romeo and Juliet!

Jordan: Yeah, I agree. How much of your past would you talk about? Would you mention exes?

William: No, you must never talk about exes on dates.

Jordan: People always say that, but if you watch First Dates on Channel 4, the daters are always talking about their exes.

William: Well, they shouldn’t.

Jordan: They say stuff like ‘Oh, I was in a really bad relationship’ or ‘My ex died’. I actually think it’s all right to talk about an ex, because when you go on a date with someone, the first thing you want to know is why they’re single.

William: Well, if you were on the date, you’d be single too.

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Help I Sexted My Boss

Jordan: But that’s what I mean. I’d be happy to talk about an ex and I wouldn’t be bothered if they did either, as long as they didn’t spend the whole evening talking about them. I’d probably mention them once, but I wouldn’t go on about it.

William: Do you think it’s important to talk about how long someone has been single?

Jordan: It’s OK to talk about that because it gives you an insight as to why they’re single, which is what you really want to know.

William: I suppose if they tell you they only split from their partner a week before, you can work out that they might be angling for a rebound relationship. If they say they split more than a year ago, then you can be reassured that they probably aren’t pining for their ex. You see, Mikey and I are very lucky as neither of us has exes, so everything’s been pretty straightforward.

Jordan: What?! You didn’t have any boyfriends before Mikey?

William: Indeed. It’s shocking, really. I was such a catch.

Whether or not it was my policy of never getting into a bed that had ​­un-​­ironed sheets that held my dating game back, we’ll never know.

Jordan: Wow, OK. Well, all I know is, while it’s fine to mention an ex on a first date, you must ​­never – ​and I mean never ! – ​mention them again when you’re actually in a relationship.

William: But then why is mentioning them on a date OK? 24

Finding Love

Jordan: Because on a date you’re explaining why you’re single. But when you’re in a relationship you should never say stuff like ‘Oh yeah, my ex used to leave her knickers all over the bathroom floor’ or ‘I used to love it when my ex played with my hair!’

William: So you’re saying get all the ex stuff out of the way on the first date? This is helpful for me because I’ve never been in this situation. We’d never be able to shut you up about yours though, would we?

Jordan: Enough about what we shouldn’t s​­ ay – ​what should someone ask on a first date? ‘How was your day?’

William: Yes, that’s a nice open question. ‘What sort of day have you had?’ Don’t ask them about their job. Ask them: ‘How do you spend the majority of your time?’

Jordan: Oh yeah. I like that. ‘What are you into?’

William: I wouldn’t say it quite like that, in case they misinterpret you.

Jordan: Well, I didn’t mean like wearing gimp masks and being tied up with a dressing-​­ ​­ gown belt.

William: I would suggest something like ‘How was your journey here?’

Jordan: No, come on. Even for you, that’s well boring!

William: Tongue like an adder! OK then, talk about a shared experience, like something you’ve seen in the venue you’re in.

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Help I Sexted My Boss

Jordan: What about a really corny question, like: ‘If you could have a meal with four celebrities, who would you invite?’

William: Splendid, that’s one of the stock questions I rely on when one of my dinner parties starts to flag, along with ‘If you were dying tomorrow, what would your last meal be?’

Jordan: Hang on! You’ve asked me that at one of your dinner parties! What are you trying to say?

William: Well, just, sometimes a conversation needs pepping up . . .

Jordan: For those of you who might not know, William loves to host candlelight suppers, and I’ve been lucky enough to have been invited to many of them over the years.

William: And it’s always been my pleasure.

Jordan: Even though I’ve stuck out like a sore thumb at each and every one of them?

William: Yes, of course. But remember, darling, you are there for what is termed balance. But more on entertaining later.

Jordan: What about telling your date if you’ve got kids?

William: I’m really not sure that a first date is the best time to mention that you have children, because your suitor is on a date with you, not your family.

Jordan: I totally disagree! You should definitely say something straight off. Having kids is a big part of someone’s

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Finding Love

life, so it’s only natural to talk about them. It’d be weird if they avoided saying they had children if they did. It would feel like they were hiding something. I wouldn’t make a big announcement, I would just slip it into conversation. Be upfront from the start so your date knows what they could be getting themselves into. And if they get weird about the kids, then at least you know where you stand from the start and you’re not wasting your time.

William: Well, I certainly don’t think it should be the first or even second thing you mention. If you feel the date is going well, it could be something you mention later in the evening maybe. If you think you’re unlikely to see each other again, then there’s really no point in telling them. Having said that, on these apps, you are able to flag up that you’re a parent, so I guess if someone has read that, they already know what they’re walking into.

Jordan: You’ve just got to be natural and honest.

William: You’re right, honesty is always the best policy.

Help! I feel like I need to be someone I’m not when I’m dating!

Dear William and Jordan, I’m currently dating someone who seems to be really into me, but I’m worried that I’m not being myself around them. Whenever we’re together, I feel like I have to put on a show and be someone I’m not in order to impress them. I don’t want to lose them by being myself,

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Help I Sexted My Boss but I also don’t want to keep up this act forever. How can I be true to myself in this relationship?

Ollie

William: Well, I have personal experience of this situation!

When I was younger, I used to like a friend ​­ – ​erm, let’s call him something sophisticated, like ​­Sheridan – ​and I tried too hard to become the kind of person I thought he might go for.

Jordan: What do you mean? You went dressed in a footie kit?

William: Not quite. He’d invited me to his birthday party in a bar and I was convinced he was never going to like me if I wore my usual crewneck jumper and Oxford shirt. So I thought to myself I was just going to have to go and buy myself a hip young T-​­ ​­ shirt from Topman, like the ones he wore.

Jordan: No, you didn’t!

William: I did. It was navy with polka dots on it. What was I thinking?

Jordan: I can’t believe you, of all people, went to Topman!

When I was growing up, my whole wardrobe was from there.

Whenever you’d go out in Preston, Burnley or ​­Sunderland – ​ which is where I went to ​­uni – ​wearing your new Topman shirt, you’d see twenty other lads wearing it too. Everyone wore the same stuff. It was like a uniform!

William: Well, I thought Sheridan wouldn’t fancy me if I didn’t dress like him, so that night I did. And what a disaster! When we met up, it was clear that I was feeling rather 28