SGN January 11, 2013 - Section 3

Seattle Gay News

Issue 02, Volume 41, January 11, 2013

MARRIAGE SPECIAL

When she was chosen as presiding bishop, conservative bishops asked the Archbishop of Canterbury, head of the worldwide Anglican Communion of which the Episcopal Church is a part, to be placed under an independent administration.

Many of them subsequently separated from the church in opposition to the ordination of women and LGBT people.

by Mike Andrew SGN Staff Writer Washington, D.C.’s historic National Cathedral – the traditional host for presidential prayer services, funerals, and memorial services – announced January 9 that it would begin hosting same-sex weddings.

The imposing Gothic Revival church is more than 100 years old. Construction began in 1907, with then-President Teddy Roosevelt laying the cornerstone, and it has been designated by Congress as the “National House of Prayer.”

It is also the headquarters for the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church in the U.S., Katharine Jefferts Schori, and the Bishop of the Diocese of Washington, Mariann Edgar Budde.

SYMBOLIC IMPORTANCE “[I]t’s something for us to say we are going to do this in this very visible space, where we pray for the president and where we bury leaders,” said the Very Rev. Gary Hall, who became dean of the National Cathedral in the fall. “This national spiritual space is now a place where [LGBT] people can come and get married.”

Hall added that the church’s decision to celebrate same-sex marriages is a recognition of its many LGBT members.

“We have a lot of Gay and Lesbian Christians,” Hall said.

“What the National Cathedral is saying by doing this is that we want to give faithful Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, and Transgender people the same tools for living their lives faithfully that straight people have always had, and marriage is one of those

tools. This comes out of even more of a theological understanding, for me, than it does out of a political agenda.”

ECUMENICAL ROOTS While it is an Episcopal church, the Washington National Cathedral has long been the site for non-denominational services of national significance. During World War II, for example, the church held monthly prayer services attended

by President Roosevelt, his cabinet, and members of Congress.

The cathedral was also used for the funerals of former Presidents Dwight Eisenhower, Ronald Reagan, and Gerald Ford, and memorials for five other presidents.

The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. deliv-

ered what turned out to be the final Sunday sermon of his life from the pulpit of the church just days before his assassination. A memorial service was held for him there later the same week.

The cathedral also hosted a national memorial service for the victims of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center.

HISTORIC FIRSTS Bishop Schori is the first woman elected presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church.

In 2003, as Bishop of Nevada, she voted to affirm the election of the first openly Gay U.S. Episcopal bishop, Gene Robinson of New Hampshire, and she has been a longtime advocate for marriage equality.

SAME-SEX BLESSING OK’D The Episcopal Church voted to authorize an official service for blessing samesex couples at their national convention last summer.

Three years ago, even before there was an officially sanctioned service, the cathedral held a private wedding ceremony for a Gay couple on its staff, a cathedral source told the New York Times. John Chane, the previous Bishop of Washington, reportedly presided.

Dean Hall said members of the selection committee that interviewed him for his position last year made it clear that they wanted the cathedral to bless samesex couples. Since same-sex marriages are legal in the District of Columbia, there is now no obstacle, in either civil law or church practice, to Gay and Lesbian weddings at the Cathedral.

According to the cathedral Web site, weddings at the church are conducted as “Christian marriages, in which the couple commits to lifelong faithfulness, love, forbearance, and mutual comfort.” At least one person in the couple must be a baptized Christian. Preference is given to those with some kind of direct connection to the cathedral or its schools, or who have “played an exceptional role in the life of the nation.”

is shifting in our direction. Though samesex marriage remains unpopular in the South, rights campaigners see the potential for legislative gains in Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Rhode Island, Minnesota, and New Jersey, where Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a bill to legalize same-sex marriage in February 2012.

Washington’s new law went into effect

declared for the first time that he supports same-sex marriage, putting the moral power of his presidency behind a social issue that continues to divide the country.

Obama’s support ended years of public equivocating over the divisive social issue for the president, who previously said he opposed Gay marriage but repeatedly said he was “evolving” on the issue because of

These victories are an important sign that public opinion is shifting in our direction. Rights campaigners see the potential for legislative gains in Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Rhode Island, Minnesota, and New Jersey. on Dec. 6, 2012, and in Maine on Dec. 29; Maryland’s took effect on Jan. 1.

The New York Times has a brilliant timeline of marriage equality since 2004. Anyone seeking to become well-versed in marriage equality history ought to enjoy this.

There’s a lot of info, but by the time you get to the conclusion, you’ll be amazed at just how far we’ve come.

by Shaun Knittel SGN Associate Editor The road to marriage equality has not been an easy one to traverse. There’s been momentum, disappointment (California’s Prop 8), and excitement (Obama endorses same-sex marriage). We can get married in this state, but not that one. Our love is recognized in my state but not in yours. It is, for lack of a better word, F’d up.

The federal Defense of Marriage Act is a thorn in all our sides. Still, 2012 was an amazing time to be LGBT, was it not? Well, aside from the “God Hates Fags” idiots, Chick-fil-A, and the GOP in general, anyway.

On Nov. 6, 2012, voters in Maine, Maryland, and Washington approved same-sex marriage on an election night that delighted Gay rights advocates called a historic turning point – the first time that marriage for same-sex couples has been approved at the ballot box. It had been voted down more than 30 times.

In Minnesota (another first), voters rejected a proposal to amend the state constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman, a measure that has been enshrined in the constitutions of 30 states.

The votes meant that same-sex marriage is now legal in nine states and the District of Columbia.

These victories are an important sign that public opinion

contact with friends and others who are Gay. Also in May, Colorado lawmakers reached an impasse over a bill to allow civil unions, as Republicans blocked a House vote until a deadline expired.

A special legislative session was called

by Colorado Gov. John W. Hickenlooper to debate the issue. The legislation was voted down 5-4 along party lines after emotional OVERVIEW testimony in the State, Veterans, and MiliSame-sex marriage became a reality in tary Affairs Committee, where it was asthe United States in 2004 in the wake of a signed by Republican leadership in the ruling by the Massachusetts Supreme Court House of Representatives. that it was required under the equal protection clause of the state’s Constitution.

CHANGING ATTITUDES Prior to 2012, same-sex marriage was also Support for same-sex marriage among legalized in New York, Connecticut, Iowa, the public has been growing, but the counNew Hampshire, Vermont, and Washing- try remains divided. In a Pew poll conductton, D.C. Early in 2012, Washington state ed in October 2012, 49 percent of responand Maryland both approved same-sex mar- dents said they favored allowing Gays and riage laws, but neither took effect immedi- Lesbians to marry legally and 40 percent ately and were subject to fall referendums. were opposed. Four years earlier, in August In early May, North Carolina voted in 2008, the numbers were just about reversed: large numbers for a constitutional amend- 39 percent in favor and 52 percent opposed. ment that would ban same-sex marriages, A strong majority of younger Americans partnerships, and civil unions, becoming now support same-sex marriage. In a Galthe 30th state in the country and the last in lup Poll conducted in November 2012, 73 the South to include a prohibition on Gay percent of people between 18 and 29 years marriage in the state constitution. old said they favored it, while only 39 perDays later, on May cent of people older than 65 did.

9, President Obama While about half of the country supports the legalization of same-sex marriage, supporters are not evenly distributed. Based on Pew data, a majority favors same-sex marriage in New England, in the Mid-Atlansee WHERE WE STAND page 4

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tic states, and along the Pacific Coast. In the Midwest and the South Atlantic states, opinion is closely divided, but in the central South, a majority opposes same-sex marriage.

LATINO SUPPORT GROWS More than half of the nation’s Latinos are in favor of same-sex marriage, according to a survey released in October 2012, dispel-

which the police each year have been stopping hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers, most of them Black or Latino, often on little or no pretext, ostensibly in an effort to prevent crime.

Some Gay rights leaders specifically cited support from the NAACP for same-sex marriage as a reason they decided to oppose the stop-and-frisk policy.

The same-sex-marriage and stop-andfrisk issues are only the most visible signs of closer collaboration.

Around the country, Gay rights groups

the United States had been a relatively recent goal of the Gay rights movement, but in the wake of the Massachusetts ruling, Gay rights organizers have placed it at the center of their agenda, steering money and muscle into dozens of state capitals in an often uphill effort to persuade lawmakers. At the same time, conservative groups have pushed hard to forestall or reverse other courts through new laws or referendums.

Proponents of same-sex marriage have long argued that the institution of marriage is a unique expression of love and commitNATE GOWDY / SEATTLE GAY NEWS

Grateful members of the Gay community and their allies turn out in Seattle to thank President Obama for his support of same-sex marriage.

ling a longstanding notion that their religious beliefs offered a safe path to Republicans looking to stake a claim in the community through shared social values.

Just six years ago, 56 percent of Latinos were against same-sex marriage. Today, their rate of approval stands at 52 percent overall and slightly higher – 54 percent – among Latino Catholics, the survey by the Pew Research Center found.

Latino evangelicals, on the other hand, remain strongly opposed to same-sex marriage. While Catholics said they were more likely to hear their priests talk about immigration, evangelicals said their pastors spoke most frequently about homosexuality.

The survey was carried out by telephone, in English and Spanish, among 1,765 Latinos across the country, including 903 registered voters, from Sept. 4 to Oct. 7, with a 3% margin of error.

BLACK LEADERS STEP UP For years, Gay and African-American civil rights organizations viewed each other warily. Black leaders often saw the Gay rights groups as insensitive to racial concerns, and some resented the use of civil rights movement language to make the case for same-sex marriage. Gay rights advocates, in turn, sometimes blamed socially conservative African Americans for their defeat in crucial electoral battles.

But since the relationship reached something of a crisis with the passage of Proposition 8, California’s ballot initiative against same-sex marriage, in 2008, leaders in both movements have made an effort to bring their groups closer together.

Now, conversations among leaders in the Gay, Black, and Latino communities have borne significant fruit: In May 2012, the board of the NAACP voted to endorse marriage equality.

And then, in early June, representatives of several national Gay rights organizations gathered at New York City’s Stonewall Inn, often described as the birthplace of their movement, to announce that they would march to protest the New York Police Department’s stop-and-frisk practice, under

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have joined minority advocacy organizations in political battles on behalf of voting rights and affirmative action. And in California, Oregon, and Colorado, Gay rights organizations have formed partnerships with immigrant rights groups to fight aggressive immigration enforcement.

ment and that calling the unions of samesex couples anything else is a form of second-class citizenship. They also point out that many legal rights are tied to marriage.

Those opposed to same-sex marriage agree that marriage is a fundamental bond with ancient roots. But they draw the opposite conclusion, saying that allowing same-sex OBAMA’S CHANGE OF HEART couples to marry would undermine the instiPresident Obama’s becoming the first tution of marriage itself. sitting president to support extending the rights and status of marriage to Gay couples FALSE DAWN IN HAWAII came after longstanding pressure from Gay The issue of same-sex marriage came to rights activists who are among his most loy- the fore after the Hawaii Supreme Court al constituents but have been frustrated by ruled in 1993 that the denial of marriage lihis refusal to weigh in on the issue. censes to three homosexual couples amountBut the decision to risk the potential political damage in an election year appears to have been driven by the unexpected declarations of support for same-sex marriage by his vice president and several cabinet members.

His remarks came after Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr. said on May 6 that he is “absolutely comfortable” with the idea of Gay Americans marrying each other. Arne Duncan, the secretary of education, said a day later that he flatly supports same-sex ed to unconstitutional discrimination on the marriage. basis of sex – not sexual orientation – unless In the interview, Obama spoke about how the state could show a compelling reason for his views about same-sex marriage have the denials. changed over the years, in part because of The Hawaii Legislature passed a bill in prodding from friends who are Gay. 1994 affirming marriage as intended for “I had hesitated on Gay marriage in part “man-woman units” capable of procreation. because I thought that civil unions would But in 1996, conservatives, fearful that the be sufficient,” Obama said. “I was sensitive court case would lead to the sanctioning to the fact that for a lot of people, the word of marriages of Lesbian and Gay couples marriage was something that invokes very in Hawaii by the end of 1997, campaigned powerful traditions and religious beliefs.” across the nation to insure that the recogBut he added, “I’ve always been adamant nition of same-sex marriages would not that Gay and Lesbian Americans should be spread to other states. treated fairly and equally.”

The legislative battle picked up momentum as more conservatives became conA POLITICAL FLASHPOINT vinced a federal law was required. In SepFor more than a decade, same-sex mar- tember 1996, the U.S. Congress, approving riage has been a flashpoint in American pol- the so-called Defense of Marriage Act, votitics, setting off waves of competing legisla- ed overwhelmingly to deny federal benefits tion, lawsuits, and ballot initiatives to either to married people of the same sex and to legalize or ban the practice and causing rifts permit states to ignore such marriages sancwithin religious groups. tioned in other states. The bill was signed by The legalization of same-sex marriage in President Bill Clinton (who has since come

to oppose it).

In 1998, Hawaii voters rejected the legalization of same-sex marriages.

FIRST VICTORY ACHIEVED Same-sex marriage first became a reality in the U.S. in 2004, after the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled that it was required under the equal protection clause of the state’s constitution. Connecticut began allowing same-sex marriage in late 2008.

In April 2009, Iowa’s Supreme Court ruled in favor of allowing Gay couples to marry, and the legislatures of Maine and Vermont passed laws granting the same right in the following weeks. In California, a court decision in 2008 allowed the marriages; however, the Proposition 8 voter referendum that November, which was upheld in court in May 2009, barred them.

The New Hampshire legislature approved revisions to a same-sex marriage bill on June 3, 2009, and Gov. John Lynch promptly signed the legislation, making the state the sixth to let Gay couples wed.

Civil unions, an intermediate step that supporters say has made same-sex marriage seem less threatening, are legal in New Jersey, Connecticut, and Vermont. The latter two states are phasing them out after adopting same-sex marriage laws.

In February 2011, Obama, in a major legal policy shift, directed the Justice Department to stop defending the Defense of Marriage Act against lawsuits challenging it as unconstitutional.

The issue of same-sex marriage continues to simmer in a number of court cases that appear headed toward the Supreme Court.

In February 2012, a federal appeals court in California struck down the ban put into place by the Proposition 8 referendum.

In October, a federal appeals court in Manhattan ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act unlawfully discriminates against same-sex married couples by denying them equal federal benefits, making it the second federal appeals court to reject a central portion of the law. It followed a federal appellate panel in Boston, which handed down its ruling in May. CALIFORNIA’S MARRIAGE WAR On May 15, 2008, the California Supreme Court voted 4-3 that a state law banning same-sex marriage constituted illegal discrimination because domestic partnerships were not a good enough substitute. In its decision, the court wrote that whatever term is used by the state must be granted to all

“I had hesitated on Gay marriage in part because I thought that civil unions would be sufficient.

I was sensitive to the fact that for a lot of people, the word marriage was something that invokes very powerful traditions and religious beliefs.”

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couples who meet its requirements, whatever their gender. The court left open the possibility that another term could denote state-sanctioned unions so long as that term was used across the board.

Opponents quickly organized and launched the Proposition 8 initiative campaign, asking voters to ban same-sex marriages. After an expensive and hard-fought campaign, the measure passed on Nov. 4, 2008, with 52 percent of the vote. (Florida and Arizona also passed bans at the same time.)

Groups who had fought Proposition 8 immediately filed suit to block it. On May 26, 2009, the state Supreme Court upheld the voter-approved ban but also decided that the estimated 18,000 Gay couples who tied the knot before the law took effect would stay wed. But in August 2010, a federal judge in San Francisco struck down the ban, saying it unfairly targeted Gay men and women, see WHERE WE STAND page 6

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handing supporters of such unions a temporary victory in a legal battle that seems all but certain to be settled by the Supreme Court.

In February 2012, a federal appeals court upheld the judge’s ruling. During the period when same-sex marriages were legal in the state, nearly 18,000 couples married; their unions remain in place.

residents supported allowing same-sex couples to wed. In 2011, 58 percent of them did.

Advocates moved aggressively to capitalize on that shift, flooding the district offices of wavering lawmakers with phone calls, e-mails, and signed postcards from constituents who favored same-sex marriage, sometimes in bundles that numbered in the thousands.

The law went into effect on June 24, with hundreds of couples marrying within the first hours.

NEW YORK NAIL-BITER In December 2009, the New York State Senate voted down a proposal to legalize same-sex marriage. The vote followed more than a year of lobbying by Gay rights organizations, who steered close to $1 million into New York legislative races to boost support for the measure.

But in June 2011, the tide turned when four senators who had voted against legalizing same-sex marriage reversed course, saying their constituents’ thinking on the socially divisive issue had evolved. Lawmakers voted on June 24 to legalize samesex marriage, making New York the largest state where Gay and Lesbian couples will be able to wed.

The marriage bill, whose fate was uncertain until moments before the vote, was approved 33-29 in a packed but hushed Senate chamber. In the end, four members of the Republican majority joined all but one Democrat in the Senate in supporting the measure after an intense and emotional campaign aimed at the handful of lawmakers wrestling with a decision that divided their friends, their constituents and sometimes their own homes.

New York Governor Andrew M. Cuomo’s support of same-sex marriage led to its legalization there in June 2012.

RELIGIOUS FAULT LINES Religious institutions have struggled no less than state legislatures with policies, privileges, and rites regarding homosexuality, including whether or not to bless same-sex unions and whether or not Gays and Lesbians may hold positions of authority. There is no consensus among Christian faith groups on what the Bible says about homosexuality. Meanwhile, many individuals yearn for acceptance from their houses of worship.

In 2005, the historically liberal United Church of Christ became the first major Christian denomination to endorse samesex marriage when its General Synod passed a resolution affirming “equal marriage rights for couples regardless of gen-

In 2005 the United Church of Christ became the first major Christian denomination to endorse same-sex marriage. The resolution was adopted in the face of efforts to amend the Constitution to ban same-sex marriage.

The unexpected victory had a clear champion: Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo, a Democrat who pledged in 2010 to support same-sex marriage but whose early months in office were dominated by intense battles with lawmakers and some labor unions over spending cuts. Mr. Cuomo made same-sex marriage one of his top priorities for 2011 and deployed his top aide to coordinate the efforts of a half-dozen local Gay rights organizations whose feuding and disorganization had in part been blamed for the defeat two years ago.

The new coalition of same-sex marriage supporters brought in one of Mr. Cuomo’s trusted campaign operatives to supervise a $3 million television and radio campaign aimed at persuading several Republican and Democratic senators to drop their opposition. In New York, passage of the bill reflects rapidly evolving sentiment about same-sex unions. In 2004, according to a Quinnipiac poll, 37 percent of the state’s

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der.” The resolution was adopted in the face of efforts to amend the Constitution to ban same-sex marriage.

In July 2009, at the 76th General Convention of the Episcopal Church, delegates including bishops, clergy, and lay members voted to open “any ordained ministry” to Gay men and Lesbians, a move that could effectively undermine a moratorium on ordaining Gay bishops that the church passed at its last convention in 2006. Delegates also voted not to stand in the way of dioceses that choose to bless the unions of same-sex couples. Both issues have roiled the church for years.

In May 2012, the United Methodist Church, at its convention in Tampa, voted against changing long-contested language in its book of laws and doctrines that calls homosexuality “incompatible with Christian teaching.” The delegates also defeated a compromise proposed by Gay rights advocates, which said that Methodists could

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enclaves and safe havens into farther-flung areas of the country. For instance, Pleasant Ridge, Mich., a suburb of Detroit; New Hope, Pa.; and Rehoboth Beach, a beach town in southern Delaware, were in the top 10. All three had been popular destinations for Gay people locally but had never ranked among the top places for them to live.

The reordering reflects the growing influence of baby boomers, who are beginning to retire, and whose life transitions are showing up in the data.

COURTESY QUE ARESTE

REPEAL FAILS IN N.H. An attempt to repeal New Hampshire’s same sex marriage law failed in March 2012 in the House of Representatives, with members of the Republican-dominated chamber voting 211-116 to kill the bill.

Some opponents of repeal cited the state’s “Live Free or Die” motto, saying they were uncomfortable revoking any right that had already been granted. Others did not see the point of embracing the repeal when Gov. John Lynch, a Democrat, had vowed to veto it.

Had the repeal succeeded in both chambers, New Hampshire would have been the first state in which a legislature reversed itself on the issue of same-sex marriage. National Gay rights groups had invested heavily in fighting the bill, focusing on lawmakers with libertarian leanings.

acknowledge their differences on homosexuality while still living together as a church.

In most other mainline Protestant denominations in the United States, liberals have largely prevailed. In addition to the Episcopal Church, the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) and the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America have voted in recent years to end their outright prohibitions on openly Gay clergy members, though the Presbyterians last summer declined to endorse same-sex marriage. Mainline Baptist organizations are internally divided, with

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the American Baptist Churches U.S.A. taking modest steps toward equality in recent years. (Seattle’s largest ABC-USA church, Seattle First Baptist, has been performing commitment ceremonies for Gay couples since 1979, but is somewhat of an outlier within the denomination.)

An influx of foreign members has bolstered the conservative ranks in several denominations. The United Methodist Church is the largest mainline Protestant denomination in the country, but its U.S. membership has declined to about 7.8 million in recent years from its 1960s peak of 11 million.

Meanwhile, its membership abroad has grown to about 4.4 million – mostly in Africa and the Philippines, where homosexuality is widely considered taboo.

Conservative evangelical and fundamentalist denominations have made significant efforts to purge their ranks of LGBT rights sympathizers. The Southern Baptist Convention, for example, has expelled congregations that explicitly welcomed Gays and Lesbians.

Reform Judaism, the largest of the main branches of Judaism, has for years allowed same-sex commitment ceremonies. Conservative Jewish bodies have made some recent progress, while Orthodox Judaism hews to the traditional prohibition of all homosexual conduct.

Both major Islamic traditions categorically prohibit homosexual conduct and samesex marriage.

CHANGING DEMOGRAPHICS In late August 2011, the Census Bureau released surprising data on where same-sex couples live in the United States. For example, the list of top cities did not include that traditional Gay mecca, San Francisco.

In fact, the city, which ranked third in 1990 and 11th in 2000, plummeted to No. 28 in 2010. And West Hollywood, once No. 1, dropped out of the top five.

According to the report, the No. 1-ranked town for Gay and Lesbian couples is Provincetown, Mass., at the tip of Cape Cod. Most surprising is how far same-sex couples have dispersed, moving from traditional

SUPREME COURT WEIGHS IN On Dec. 7, 2012, the U.S. Supreme Court entered the national debate about same-sex marriage, agreeing to hear a pair of cases challenging state and federal laws that define marriage to include only unions of a man and a woman. One of the cases, from California, could establish or reject a constitutional right to same-sex marriage. The other, from New York, challenges a federal law that requires the federal government to deny benefits to Gay and Lesbian couples married in states that allow such unions.

The California case, Hollingsworth v.

Perry, No. 12-144, was filed in 2009 by Theodore B. Olson and David Boies, two lawyers who were on opposite sides in the Supreme Court’s decision in Bush v. Gore, which settled the 2000 presidential election.

The suit argued that California’s voters had violated the federal Constitution the previous year when they overrode a decision of the state’s Supreme Court allowing samesex marriages. The voter initiative in California was known as Proposition 8.

The second case the court agreed to hear, United States v. Windsor, No. 12-307, challenges a part of the Defense of Marriage Act of 1996. Section 3 of the law defines marriage as between only a man and a woman for purposes of more than 1,000 federal laws and programs. (Another part of the law, not before the court, says that states need not recognize same-sex marriages from other states.)

The case concerns two New York City women, Edith Windsor and Thea Clara Spyer, who were married in 2007 in Canada. Spyer died in 2009, and Ms. Windsor inherited her property. The 1996 law did not allow the Internal Revenue Service to treat Windsor as a surviving spouse, and she faced a tax bill of some $360,000 that a spouse in an opposite-sex marriage would not have had to pay.

Windsor sued, and in October the federal appeals court in New York became the second court to strike down the 1996 law.

Arguments in both cases have been scheduled for late March, with decisions expected

by June.

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by Marley Blonsky Special to the SGN Washington legalized same-sex marriages in November’s election and the first weddings took place Sunday, December 9.

My wife and I were the 27th couple in line for our wedding license in King County and we exchanged our vows as part of a group ceremony at a lovely venue, which frankly did just about everything right when it comes to working with LGBT couples. We had a much larger ceremony in September, and during the planning process for that wedding, we vetted numerous vendors. From that experience, we’d like to offer our advice, both to vendors and to other LGBT/allied couples, for ways to be inclusive to all.

USE GENDER-NEUTRAL LANGUAGE EXCLUSIVELY This means removing the terms “Bride” and “Groom” from everything – yes, everything, including marketing materials, contractual language, and even rooms at your venue. Do you really need a Bridal Suite? Why not a Wedding Day Lounge or something like that? Try replacing “bride” and “groom” with “spouse” or “party” or “fabulous person” – be creative! We went to one venue where we were told that “the

bride will change here, and the groom will change here.” Hello?! Do you see a groom anywhere? I don’t!

with what’s going on so that when a client Until same-sex marriage is legalized contacts you, or you go to your friend’s/ across the entire U.S.A., it will be a politicousin’s/guncle’s (that’s Gay uncle, duh) cal issue. You can help make whomever’s special day it is easier and bring the focus back to their love and not on the political statement by being informed and helping educate others. After all, we want it to be “Just Marriage,” not “Gay Marriage.”

One of the deciding factors for the venue we booked was a banner on its home page stating, loud and clear, “LGBT couples welcome!”

Nothing is more awkward than having to ask, “Oh, hey, by the way, we’re Gay. Is that OK?” But in reality, you’ll open yourself up all sorts of new opportunities by removing gender-specific language. It might also heighten your appeal to people looking to use your services for other types of events. And in a similar vein …

DON’T BRING UP GENDER ROLES Asking who is the “man” and who is the “woman” in an LGBT relationship is like asking a set of chopsticks which one is the fork and which is the spoon. Just don’t do it.

We all take different roles in our relationships and simply because people behave differently in certain situations, this does not give you the freedom to assume what their roles are. Please do not ask our family members or friends the same question – it will get back to us in one way or another!

ceremony, you’ll know exactly what political and social climate they live in. Our wedding was held two months before the election, and while we tried our best to make it as apolitical as possible, we were bombarded with questions our entire wedding day: “So, is this legal?” “Is this even a real marriage?” “Wait, can you really be doing this?” etc.

LET EACH COUPLE DEFINE THEIR CELEBRATION For my wife and me, it was a wedding, plain and simple. Not a commitment ceremony or civil union. Other couples, however, may choose different terms. It is important that each couple and family have the freedom and choice to shape their ceremony and celebration how they choose to. As a vendor, you need to ensure that your marketing materials, contractual language, and employees don’t inadvertently limit such choices and are accepting of all.

A wedding guide all our own

IF YOU’RE LGBT-FRIENDLY, LET US KNOW! We like to support businesses that are supportive of our community, and give back to those who donate to our causes. If you’re a member of a business organization, note this on your website! Or if you’re a photographer and have shot an LGBT couple, include them in your portfolio or blog.

One of the deciding factors for the venue we booked was a banner on its home page stating, loud and clear, “LGBT couples welcome!” Nothing is more awkward than having to ask, “Oh, hey, by the way, we’re Gay. Is that OK?” STAY INFORMED ABOUT OUR ISSUES Is same-sex marriage legal in your state?

On the ballot? Totally illegal? Keep current

Finally, there’s a Gay wedding book just for men! The Gay Couple’s Guide to Wedding Planning is the perfect book for male couples who want to learn how to take the stress out of every stage of putting together a memorable ceremony and reception.

In The Gay Couple’s Guide to Wedding Planning: Everything Gay Men Need to Know to Create a Fun, Romantic, and Memorable Ceremony (Sellers Publishing, 160 pp.), author David Toussaint provides a fun, lavishly illustrated, user-friendly guide that walks readers through the planning essentials, while offering practical advice and a dash of humor. Topics covered include:

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• What grooms need to know about grooming • What to know about hiring a band or DJ • Registering for gifts as a same-sex couple • How to deal with relatives who may not be accepting • Bachelor parties and best men: one or two?

• Is it still OK to throw the bouquet?

Toussaint has served as a columnist for GayWeddings.com and is currently the senior editor for GuySpy.com. More information on the book is available at www.sellerspublishing.com.

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