Semper 2018: The So-Called Election Edition

Page 1

Freedom of Speech On Campus / p. 4

The Year in Review / p. 5

What UQ’s Great Court is missing / p. 5


Edition 10, 2018. Since 1932. Free.


Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Editor’s Note Contents

Our Team

November is one of the best times of year. We’re just out of the Halloween period, and Christmas hasn’t quite geared up yet. Every few days you realise it’s getting closer to the end of the year, but it still doesn’t quite feel like the holiday season just yet. It’s also a season unlike any other in our University lives, because it’s the one time in semeseter that students actually study. Just like the season, this edition is ever so slightly different to the previous nine. Firstly, we have two new contributors for our long reads on pages four and five. Please welcome Priya De and Pierce Knoblanche warmly. Instead of Letters to the Editor, we’re including a series of follow-ups on previous stories on page 3. And fans of the reports section will notice that the usual reports have been replaced with a catalogue of the candidate statements from this year’s election. When I flick through the archives of Semper from the 80s and 90s, I’m always delighted to find what a time capsule it is. Their election editions give a fascinating introduction to the issues at the time, some relegated to the past (like having dedicated Vice Presidents for night-time students), and some the same today as they were then (they wanted more carpark space back then too). This edition comes a few weeks after our election, but I hope that future readers enjoy a window into our world just as much! Enjoy! - Rowan

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans

Letters 3 News 4 Sex 6 Women’s 7 Poetry 7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14

Editors Alexander Asher, Oscar Green, Xander Hayward, Amelie Lonsdale, Richard Lawson, Morgan Pendergast, Kayla Reimann, Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Raphael Wixted, The Love Professor (whoever they are). Art Ruby Green (cover), Rebecca Kilpatrick, Google Images -> Tools -> Usage rights -> Labeled for reuse Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Jeremy Lwin, but he respects our editorial independence. With Thanks Congratulations to Tessa Clarkson for graduating, E.J. Silvester, Lexi Ashby, Tim Gardner, and all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

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Letters From The Editor On the Broncos

In the spirit of exam block, we decided to take some time to review this year’s Semper content. Some stories have developed since first publication, and others remain just as they were. Here’s to 2018!

In Edition 4, we ran an article that pointed out a misalignment between UQ’s stated zero tolerance policy for “disrespect of the rights of the individual” and their apparent lack of action towards the Broncos, whom the University sponsors, for hiring Matt Lodge. The Broncos had a stall at Semester 2 Market Day. When asked for comment, a University spokesperson told Semper that “Broncos management discussed the matter with Vice-Chancellor Professor Peter Høj. We understand the matter has been resolved through Mr Lodge’s mediation with those impacted, and his compensation and settlement with the victims.” We asked them if it would be a fair comment for us to say that “under UQ’s zero tolerance policy, an academic who engaged in the same actions as Mr Lodge would either be fired or refused hiring in the first place.” They did not respond.

On the Redevelopment On Employability In Edition 2, we told you that the future of the UQ Union Complex was in doubt. We also told you about some of the problems in keeping the Schonell Theatre alive in Edition 3. If you’ve been paying attention, you might have noticed that the Physiol refectory was closed this semester, and will be redeveloped over the holidays. The main refectory redevelopment is slated for some time next year. Even if you have been paying attention, you might not have noticed a recent fight to save the Schonell Theatre. Over the past few months, UQ Union’s Vice President of Gender & Sexuality Nick Comino has gathered signatures for a petition to ‘Save the Schonell’, and all around rabble-roused on talkback radio to make people aware of the issue. This got the University pretty riled up, and they’ve followed him up on a number of these shows with talkback call-ins of their own. In the course of this saga, we received a serious letter to the editor from Henry Bretz, who’s performed at the Schonell for UQ Law Revues. Here is but a small, poignant quote from that letter, the rest of which you can find online: “When you find somewhere that helps you become who you are, it feels like you’ve carved off a piece of yourself and left it there. Hundreds of students who might not have made it through their degree, or something much bigger, if not for this stage have left a piece off themselves in the Schonell. “If you tear it apart, they will tear us apart. It would be crushing for us and crushing for the students to come who will not get to learn that the best part of uni is everything that happens outside of the degree.”

In a piece opining that the philosophical standards in undergraduate academia, editor Raphael Wixted stated that universities in the past half century have focused too much on “employability and profitable research”. Dino Willox from UQ’s Employability Centre got in touch with us about the particular phrasing Raph used. In a very polite email, they set out some important terminology to distinguish “employability” and “employment”, that we would like to echo now: “Employability is ‘a set of achievements – skills, understandings and personal attributes – that make graduates more likely to gain employment and be successful in their chosen occupations, which benefits themselves, the workforce, the community and the economy’. Employment is having a job. “Employability is a holistic and lifelong way of thinking, reflecting, and learning from experience; employment is a transient state of being (*a* job).“

On Room Bookings In Edition 1, we wrote a pretty angry piece about a plan to make ad hoc room bookings more difficult for Clubs and Societies. We got an angry email from Room Bookings in response, and we posted it on our window. We then got another angry email asking us to take the original email down. In the end, UQ administration handed over the power to make room bookings to the Clubs and Societies administrators.



Freedom of Speech PRIYA DE Art by Rebecca Kilpatrick

Conservatives often invoke ‘free speech’ as a clarion call to silence any challenge to bigotry. This article is not designed to whip far right cadres into a frenzy of imagined victimhood. Instead, it’s a commentary on the genuine ways the right to political thought is curtailed at UQ. It’s primarily a response to an all-staff email sent out by the Deputy Vice-Chancellor Academic (DVCA) Joanne Wright banning “political proselytising” before lectures – including ‘spruiking for student union elections’. The DVCA asserts: “Clearly, our students expect that class time will be used for their academic activities”. She provides some leeway for when commercial announcements may be appropriate; none for political announcements made by students. UQ’s administration enthusiastically support the neoliberal university model, with all the structural and ideological implications. If education is a commodity, students are consumers and our lecturers are merely service providers. As well, the classroom should be organised like a factory according to efficiency. More students, less staff, higher fees, lower wages, and no divergence from the course content. This mechanical, clinical vision of academia is at loggerheads with the concept of universities as places of rigorous engagement with society, where students are conscious participants in the campus and broader community. It contradicts UQ’s own cliched ad-

vertisements for why a student should bother enrolling here; enrol to #createchange and experience the #uqlife: not to passively move from lecture to tutorial to library, developing yourself as a marketable product. The authoritarian assertion by the DVCA is in tension with the Student Charter and Policies and Procedure Handbook of the University. Part A of the Student Charter encourages “widespread engagement with our local and global communities…” and gives students the right to “communicate freely and to be able to voice alternative points of view in rational debate.” There are provisions against announcements that are ‘disruptive’ or outside the ‘normal activities’ of the university. In response to the DVCA’s email, Andrew Bonnell, President of the UQ branch of the NTEU, reshared a 2014 response to a similar ban, saying: “…if I allow a student to make a statement while I set up for a lecture, I do not consider that use of the setup time disruptive. Given the role that student representatives play in the proper governance of the University, I also do not consider student elections to be outside the normal activities of the University. The Branch will support members who share this interpretation of the right of students to speak at lectures.” Politics is relevant to students lives; it is patronising for the DVCA to suggest that students aren’t interested in government policy, social justice and understanding society. The references to Student Union elections as being irrelevant to the classroom are politically objectionable and regulatorily untrue. Students should have space to engage with other students about the student union elections, and lectures are a key place for this. Wright refers to the Electoral Code to justify banning lecture announcements. This is misleading and inapplicable; that code governs elections to University bodies, not the ostensibly independent Student Union. There is no such ban on lecture announcements for elections to UQU. The DVCA has sent out emails like this for years. In their neoliberal tune, the administration wants UQU to be a toothless, pliant extension of management; not a political body that students shape, feel interested in and ownership over. Certainly not a body that might organise students to oppose the administration when they try to attack staff and students learning conditions. The Student Union, for its own relevancy, should not cede to this ban. It’s political correctness gone mad.


Bring Back the Benches PIERCE KNOBLANCHE

Chances are you’re too young to remember the 60s, a time known for people ‘taking it easy‘. But I’m sure you can picture yourself, listening to Bob Dylan on the radio of your EH Holden on your way to the University of Queensland. You cruise down St Lucia Drive (so called because Sir Fred Schonell is still your Vice-Chancellor and very much alive), and you think to yourself, as comfortable as your backside is in this leather seat, it’s going to be much more comfortable when you sit down with a mate on one of the many benches in the Great Court. Yes you read that right. In the 1960s, the Great Court’s undercover walkways were lined with the hallmark of dignified human society: the humble park bench. These benches offered a comfortable and accommodating pew for you to park your trailer on and appreciate the sandstone decorum. Or depending on the strength of your decision making skills, a comfortable place to skip five lectures in a row. Either way, the benches added a certain flair to the court. The garnishing on the pasta, the cherry on top of a Great Court sundae, if you will. It just tidied up the place a bit. Times have certainly changed since then. Walk the walkways of the Great Court today, and you will step over the legs of countless many eating lunch, studying, or browsing Facebook in their down time. Some people adopt the courteous kindergarten ‘leg cross’, but others, through no fault of their own, have to stretch their legs out and take up half of the walkway.

Surely those poor souls would prefer to walk away from their lunch break without the beaten, broken and bruised tushes that come from spending hours on bare concrete. Compared to people sitting on their arses in the walkway, these benches not only offered some decency, but a more ergonomically sound option. What would students of the 60s think of us if they saw the state of this university today? Would they suppose that we’ve regressed to a state of nature with our lack of seating in the Great Court? Would they think we’re even fit to call ourselves a place of higher education? For my two cents, we could do with a return to the 60s. For all the faults associated with those times (like unironically calling Hartley Teakle a state of the art building), a student could at least expect two things: a place to park your car, and a place to park yourself. Bring back the benches. The Editors would be interested in your theories as to why the park benches were removed. Write to us at the Semper Floreat facebook page.



Love & Relationships

Get your advice at

Help from the Love Professor

Dear Love Professor, Is it true that you don’t actually have a PhD in fucking and trucking? Are you really a professor? Sincerely,Concerned Citizen Thanks for asking, Concerned. During the recent election campaign, it was raised that I was underqualified for the position of Love Professor, because I had not yet obtained the relevant qualifications. I can confirm that I have never actually had a PhD in fucking and trucking, despite my numerous claims to the contrary. I have also never had a professorship conferred upon me. However, I do take umbrage with the associated claim that this means I’m unqualified to write this column. After all, who would assume that a publication as smal as Semper could afford to retain a tried and true expert in the field. I remain firmly of the opinion that committed academics like me who are working towards their PhD in fucking and trucking are more than capable of writing sex advice columns,

in the same way that you might trust a physics student for their writings on physics. When I started this column, I had just one goal in mind: to spread the word about sex positivity. And even though it bothered our publisher to see a full page of the Red Edition dedicated to how to masturbate, I think we managed to spread that word pretty effectively. If you have any specific complaints about advice I’ve given, I would love to hear them. Send them through to In the meantime, I would like to recap the most important advice I’ve given this year.


Fellas, we need to talk ROWAN EVANS - Editor in Chief, full-time fella If you’re anything like me, you don’t know where you fit into the discussion around campus sexual assault. Signs around campus tell you to get consent, and to speak out if you’ve been affected. You figure you’re a pretty low risk for being sexually assaulted, and you get enthusiastic consent from your partner, so you’re not part of the problem. I felt like that until just last week when Nina Funnell (from an organisation called End Rape on Campus) gave a speech at St Leo’s College that changed my mind on this subject. There’s not enough room left on this page to recount the whole speech, but her main point is that everyone can be a part of the solution. Say you’re at a party, you see a guy hanging around a girl who’s not all that into him, but he’s got her kinda cornered. Even if you don’t know exactly what this guy’s intending, even if you don’t know the girl, you should check in with that girl. Is she okay? Can you give her an excuse to leave this situation? And if you can’t, do you know someone who could? It’s a concept called ethical bystanding. It’s not about being a hero. In fact, the best part about it is that you don’t even confront the guy or cast judgement on him. None of us can single-handedly solve sexual assault, but what matters is that we all pitch in to set a positive standard.



I’m Not A Feminist A. WOMAN - Women’s Contributor I’m not a feminist, but maybe I should be. “Men are the literal worst” propaganda ghosting as memes has been catered for me by social media’s algorithm. Now it’s true that #notallmen, but it’s enough men. Enough men to attract thousands of likes. Relatability is a strange combination of humour, sadness and reality. Initiating friendships based entirely upon assumed sexual relations Only to never speak again, like you did the first time, is problematic. I could go on, restating all at once every anti-straight man hypothesis I’ve ever heard. Here’s my theory: Men have less self-esteem than women. I have no reliable source for this other than the intensity of my boyfriend having a volcanic breakdown every so often.

Daily breakdowns are consistent. This is how we form emotional intelligence. I think the cause of the world’s problems is that men ignore intuition, favouring some form of diluted reasoning. We can blame the boys’ club culture, toxic masculinity; dismissing that boys will be boys. This mind frame of blame delays real transformation. If you are a man who has read this far, I believe you’re the kind of person who can be better. Here’s a universal secret: as a woman, I’m caught in a catch-22. I want to lift other women up from men who only bring them down. The last time I tried to do this, a collection of men who resist change deemed me an outcast, unreliable, irrational. Dear male reader, listen to the women in your life and call out your mates. They might listen to you.

Jacaranda TASMAN BAIN - Women’s Editor Breeze on the veranda, wind in the Jacaranda On traditional lands, summer holidays, ‘tis season to meander In the backyard, having a barbie, chatter in the background “Aren’t the subtropics hot” he declared attempting to sound profound Hills and valleys, families and outcasts Entangling suburbia, from the present to the past Along the river bends, creek beds, cracking open a cold one Cooking the lamb or a sausage sanga under the sun Cuppa tea, a lie down, under the shade of a purple fuckin’ tree End of year, gifts and a gatho, a good old afternoon tea “Here it comes! Always hottest before the storm” One last wack with the cricket… over the fence, good form! Thunder booming, lightning flashing Under the clouds, running for cover, up the staircase to the deck Time for a terrible pun, she yells “Rain check!” As the rain comes down, “mate, all you need is beers, bread and meat”

Scampering ibis, dive-bombing magpie Ducks in the pond at Mt Cooy-tha, picnics on the beach at Noosa Weaving Bougainvillaea vines and Moreton Bay fig roots intertwine Milton mangoes, a cool south-easterly, overcast sky Shedding their leaves, wearing your heart on your sleeves Summer storms approaching, tin roofs cracking, possums screeching Hail like white snow in the garden, nightfall approaching, rain overreaching Letters getting wet in the mailbox, jocks on the Hills Hoist being blown away The remaining slits of sun peeking through the afternoon haze The gale has died down, rain has all but stopped, back to a laze Under the maze of the branches of the purple fuckin’ tree Breeze on the veranda, wind in the Jacaranda


Thank you for re-electing a team that’s dedicated to solving the biggest mysteries at UQ.


Cryptic Crossword Authored by White Bishop

ACROSS 1. Knight keeps the peace with a small flat triangular bone shield (7) 5. Quietly get less to go back further (7) 9. Around the east, clear ten battlements (9) 10. Erect equipment (3-2) 11. Fatal and not initially doable. (5) 12. Hearing a set, Ellen had gas. (9) 14. No let up about pre-Easter season with not as much of the Scottish favourite. (14) 17. In court. Snarl! E-mail! Wise? (6,8) 21. An actor for one but especially when giving directions. (9) 23. A hint of a bee’s stinger (5) 24. How Bruce Wayne gets clean. (5)

Easier Clues ACROSS 1. Leg bone (7) 5. Before (7) 9. Supply with battlements (9) 10. Erect (3-2) 11. Fatal disease. (5) 12. Flammable gas. (9) 14. No let up. (14) 17. Tennis player (6,8) 21. Directions. (9) 23. A hint of (5) 24. Cleanse entire body. (5) 25. Focus of an earthquake (9) 26. Lacking sight (7) 27. Think over. (7)


25. In the middle of a big appearance (9) 26. Can’t see or hear the difference of a radius and the plural. One is one ...? (7) 27. Think over the bun in the oven. (7) DOWN 1. Small partner to the ace who takes a penalty. (6) 2. I saw and heard something ugly. (7) 3. Arcane sea where waters break. (9) 4. Spartans awe over German revolt. (8,3) 5. The first people to hear why you don’t eat the yellow snow. (3) 6. Writing from South Australia (5) 7. Met former lover about great intensity. (7) 8. What part of trees press on popular drink (8) 13. Carry on like a dried flower (11) 15. The speed of a car with directions on board. (9) 16. Gather and build (8) 18. Ornament with a flower on double time that ends with everyone starts. (7) 19. Detail of a disbanded unit that takes aim. (7) 20. The last ride is not his it seems. (6) 22. Location not of the wolf and tear variety. (5) 25. Measures some sense. (3)

Bring a completed copy of this crossword to the Semper office, and enter the draw to win a $5 UQU voucher!

The same crossword made simpler.

DOWN 1. One who strikes the ball. (6) 2. Something ugly. (7) 3. Method of foetus delivery. (9) 4. German revolt of the lower class. (8,3) 5. Urine. (3) 6. Writing (5) 7. With great intensity. (7) 8. Hot drink (8) 13. Carry on (11) 15. A rate at which something happens (9) 16. Gather (8) 18. Ornament resembling a flower (7) 19. Details. (7) 20. Vehicle to carry a coffin (6) 22. At what place (5) 25. Measures. (3)

Edition 9 Solution: ACROSS: 1 seasonal. 5 adhere. 10 leadership spill. 11 entreat. 12 greeter. 13 remember. 15 tribe. 18 title. 20 adequate. 23 excreta. 25 coterie. 26 Malcolm Turnbull. 27 nether. 28 creditor. DOWN: 1 spleen. 2 apartment. overeye. 4 asset. 6 descent. 7 exist. 8 enlarger. 9 lingerie. 16 interrupt. 17 steelman. 19 eyesore. 21 untoned. 22 pedlar. 24 culet. 25 churr.


Sudoku Easy


Word on the Street Your thoughts, as told to Oscar Green Nicholas Comino - Fourth Year Stupol Hack What would you title your autobiography? I told you so, but nobody listened to me: Life in the shadows with Noot Kimono. Does Brisbane need a second NRL team? No we don’t, we need to get behind the Broncos even when no one wants to. What’s Your Favourite Club or Society on Campus? UQ Politics Society - I’m always up for a constructive political discussion.

Maddie Goss, 2nd Year Concerned Student Does Brisbane need a second NRL team? Does Brisbane have a first NRL team? What’s NRL? What’s Your Favourite Club or Society on Campus? The Cobbler’s Society. because I love to make shoes. Actually, no, I change my mind it’s The Republic Society What would you title your autobiography? Can I check my phone for inspiration? I’m gonna look at my notes. How about... “Dreams from my Father”?


NEWS The 2018 UQ Union General election has already been fought and won. We published the following candidate statements online at the time, and we are printing them here for the sake of posterity.

Focus Georgia Millroy - Presidential Candidate My name is Georgia Millroy and I’m running with FOCUS to be your UQ Union President in 2019. Focus’ best achievement, in my view, has been securing a Funding Services Agreement (‘FSA’) from the University. Under the FSA, the University will provide another $600 000 in funding to UQU every year for the next 6 years. This ensures the Union will continue to exist well into the future - an outcome that has seemed unlikely at certain points this year. Further, as part of the FSA, Focus delivered a new $15 million bar and function space near the Natural Amphitheatre. There’s countless more Focus achievements that I’m proud of. We secured $12 million in funding from Brisbane City Council for additional busses on the 66 route. We lobbied for uniform supplementary exam rules. Now, regardless of your faculty, you will be able to access 2 supplementary exams per year. We organised a referendum to create a dedicated Vice President for our collectives. Amongst all this, we brought FREE Rapid HIV testing back to campus!

Focus hugely improved UQ’s campus culture, beginning with a Great Court Party in O-Week that was attended by close to 4000 students. We supported clubs and societies, the life of our campus, with a funding increase of over $100 000. When Focus came into UQU, the Union was in a tenuous position. The previous administration hadn’t renewed the License to Occupy contracts for the Union or its businesses, meaning that we were occupying the Union Complex on month-to-month leases and could be shut down with only 30 days notice. Further, without an FSA we could have easily become insolvent, and would lose the peak body for student representation at UQ. We do not want UQU to be in such a dangerous position again. I am so proud of the 2018 team’s achievements and honoured that I have been given the opportunity to continue the good work. Focus has so much more planned for UQU, but we need your support to ensure that the UQ Union continues to fight for you.

Student Action Priya De - Presidential Candidate When inequality and discrimination is rife, we should use every possible avenue to resist. Student unions have, could and should be places to fight for social change. Student Action thinks the UQ Union should be a left-wing, activist body that uses its resources to educate, inspire and organise students to fight for a better world. Our student union should fight higher education cuts, fee increases, course cuts and staff wage cuts. It should fight for higher and easier to access youth allowance. It should fight bigotry and discrimination in all its forms: from sexism and homophobia to racism. It should fight for environmental justice. These are all pressing questions on our campus and broader society. Currently, the union is occupied by student bureaucrats, many of whom are dishonest about belonging to political parties. They see their role as throwing parties or providing services as an extension of


university management. Student Action thinks this is a sad waste of the union’s progressive potential. Instead of being an apolitical service provider, the student union should be a political, fighting body, that takes a stand on questions of the day, and organises students to that ends. 2018 is fifty years since the Vietnam War, where students at UQ joined a global movement in their thousands to say no to imperialism and war. Just six years ago, thousands of students protested on campus when corrupt members of the Liberal Party rigged the student union elections. In the union complex, a mural reads “White Australia has a Black History”. Great things have happened on our campus. They should happen again. I’m proud to have principles, and fight for what I believe in all year round. If Student Action was elected, we’d actually try to do good and make a difference.



Maddie Cunnington - Presidential Candidate

There’s a lot of confusion surrounding student elections. A common question is “What is the UQ Union?”. Even more frequent is “What does the Union do - and what can it do for me?” It’s easy to feel apathetic at this time of year, too. From an outsider’s perspective the union and student politics are intimidating, negative spaces. This apathy and confusion is amplified by the fact that we’ve seen a disappointing lack of real advocacy this year. On our campus, many students must do their best to cope with sexual assault, poor mental health, and lack of accessibility. They shouldn’t have to do it alone. They should be able to rely on student union that’ll fight for them. These are problems that we can work together to solve. Students also deserve a union which represents their welfare. Many of us have been underpaid at work, struggled with Centrelink, and tried our best to advocate for ourselves in a difficult rental market. A union made up of committed activists could have helped us. In 2019, Momentum will provide real, tangible assistance on these problems, while expanding your free breakfast to five days a

week. When student interests are at stake, the student union should fight to put our needs first. Momentum will fight for you: by abolishing 70% exams, and standardising late penalties, and bringing 11:59pm deadlines to all courses - these are issues which cause a huge amount of stress to students, but we’ll never see real solutions unless our union takes a stand. So keep this in mind over the next couple of weeks - student politics seems unapproachable, but it’s really about helping people. Momentum is the only group of progressive activists from a huge range of clubs, campuses and backgrounds we understand students, and we believe students deserve better. Students deserve a union that will fight for them from day one. Come and chat to anyone in a Momentum shirt on the ground about anything we’ve raised here, and shoot me a message if you’re keen to restore real activism and representation to our student union. Together, we can demand more from our UQU.

Notice of Referendum From Monday, 12th of November to Friday, 16th of November Question 1: Should the Constitution, excluding C54, be alterable by both Referenda and General Meetings of the Student Body? Question 2: Should paid student union executives be able to take a ‘sabbatical’ year, deferring studies for the period of their term whilst still remaining eligible to hold their positions?



St Lucia

Speculator UQ’s other news source since 1933

College Kids and Day Rats Begin Peace Talks The 2018 Day Rat and College Kid Peace Summit began today, with initial talks surrounding ownership of the UQ Lakes. College kids have recently ramped up their routine defense training in the Lakes area, prompting experts to speculate that the colleges will soon begin to expand into nearby territory. “The fact is that even allowing day rats come by the campus at all has been a huge concession for us,” explained Blake Towers, a college kid. “We simply feel as though colleges should have more self-determination in which areas we do not wish to hand over to the masses,” he said. The proposal has found broad support among both sides of the summit. “We are more than willing to surrender the UQ Lakes for the rest of eternity on the condition that college kids stop asking us where we went to school,” day rat negotiator

Kate Smith told the Speculator. At press time, the Summit had taken a half-hour adjournment after tensions flared over a proposed injunction against College Kids asking every Day Rat what sport they play.

Behind the Coup: How Vice-Chancellor and President Peter Høj Seized Absolute Power Over UQ In a typical election campaign, like the one I ran at the University of South Australia I would run on the slogan of “Vote [1] Peter”, but I knew that with Professors Adam and Varghese in the race, I would have to change my tune on this one. After consulting with several of my foremost advisors and close friends, I felt that my best move would be a charm offensive upon many of the senators of this Group of Eight University. I have been told many times that it was my boyish good looks and alluring accent that secured me the Vice-Chancellery. However, I am not one to rest on my laurels. After three months in the role of Vice-Chancellor, a delicious plan to overthrow the President of the University was brought to my attention. The plan was simple, and ruthlessly efficient. When the President took his tea that evening, he soon came upon quite a dreadful cessation of his respiratory system. Of course, officially, I have no knowledge of from whence this cessation had come. While he lay choking upon the floors of his chambers, several of my close confidantes were securing the votes needed for my ascension to be complete. Tragically, several of those confidantes met their maker in the weeks to come, but such is the price I pay to keep secret all that could destabilise my Empire of St Lucia.


Vice-Chancellor and President, Professor Peter Høj has broken his silence on how he came to have three titles.


Student Politicians Return To Home Planet For Another Year Student politics has officially ended for another year, with all parties involved returning to their home planets last Friday after the results of the polls were declared. “We are happy to celebrate another successful year of making the ritual offerings of flyers to the inhabitants of Earth,” said outgoing UQ Union President Jeremy Lwin. Regular students were pleased to have made the acquaintance of the alien species. “It’s quite inspiring that each group’s English language skills have developed to learning one abstract noun, although I’m not convinced they know the meanings of ‘Momentum’ and ‘Focus’ respectively,” student Kate Smith told the Speculator, on behalf of all students today.

New Club Exec To Focus On Making Facebook Group More Active With AGM season coming to a close, the incoming management committee for one of the UQ Union’s many clubs and societies has committed to spending this year reinvigorating the club’s inactive Facebook group. “As a club that’s active on campus, it just makes sense that we should have a vibrant social media presence,” a spokesperson said. Minutes from the first meeting showed resounding agreement among the management committee that this should be a priority. The meeting concluded with no concrete plan for engaging the 1,500 group members.

Pictured: Student politicians. It remains unclear how the species developed lifelike shapeshifting abilities.

Experts identify student politicians by their inability to maintain eye contact with a camera in a manner consistent with human behaviour.

‘Sticky Campus’ Initiative Cancelled After Entire Budget Spent On Honey The team behind UQ’s ‘sticky campus’ initiative were sacked en masse last night after reports that the group’s entire operating budget had been spent purchasing truckloads of honey to coat the Forgan Smith Building. “This is simply another indication that the Chancellery is out of touch with the needs of students,” explained Robert Birmingham, former head of the Sticky Campus initiative. “We will not stop fighting until it is impossible to escape from this campus.” At press time, the budget-constrained Mr Birmingham was attempting to steal the small amount of pitch from the pitch drop experiment.

Semper, Speculator Manage To Survive 2018 The University of Queensland Union’s flagship publication Semper Floreat has survived 2018 without their budget being slashed, despite incompetence and rampant shit-stirring, an internal report has revealed. The St Lucia Speculator. widely regarded as the better of the Union’s two in-house publications, have spent the year devoted to the most hard-hitting journalism to be found on campus this year. Bafflingly, however, the ragtag bunch of misfits running Semper Floreat, have also escaped the chop. We interrogated Semper editor Rowan Evans to get to the bottom of the matter.

“This year has seen overwhelming success for campus journalism,” Mr Evans lied bastardly. “In 2019, we hope to bring more of the same to the University of Queensland community,” Mr Evans threatened. At press time, the Speculator team was gearing up for their 3pm fight with the team from UQ’s second finest news source, the Obiter. P.S. Bretz & Dwyer, don’t bring weapons this time, we just want a clean bout of hand-to-hand combat.






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