We accuse Uni of breaking the law / p. 3 Uni accuses us of breaking the law / p. 5
SEMPER
Edition 5, 2019. Since 1932. Free.
NEWS
Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.
Editor’s Note Contents In this issue, we will explain why we think that the University is breaking the laws that govern how they spend your student fees. I recommend that you read the following articles and make up your own mind as to whether they are spending your money according to the relevant legislation. This is the first time during my tenure as Semper editor that we’ve printed an article that goes over two pages. You could even say it goes over three, because the second article in today’s edition is on the same topic. I don’t like doing that, but I really think it’s important that you read and understand what is going on here. Please get informed. - Rowan
News 3 Respect 6 Women’s 7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14
Our Team Editor in Chief Rowan Evans Editors Raphael Wixted, Ruby Green, Rebecca Kilpatrick, Tim Gardner, Nilsson Jones, Thomas Wiltshire, Isabella Scattini, Tiarni Miller Art Rebecca Kilpatrick (cover), Google Images -> Tools -> Usage rights -> Labeled for reuse Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Georgia Millroy, but she respects our editorial independence. With Thanks Ruby Green, Annie Kate Bradley, Drew Pavlou and all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer
The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.
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SEMPER
University documents suggest misuse of student funds ROWAN EVANS - Chief Editor
The University of Queensland has potentially broken federal legislation to renovate a room and provide a leadership course using a fund reserved for student clubs and other non-academic services and amenities. I’m going to be up front with you; this is a very dense article. It is dense because the meetings where this happened are opaque, and the legislation that governs how fees are spent are not likely something that you’ve read up on. But rest assured that you pay this fee, and you could be deriving much more benefit from it if it were being spent in the proper way. Bear with me for a minute, because understanding this topic requires a bit of a backstory. Up until about a decade ago, non-academic life on university campuses was funded through student unions. The union got their funding through a mandatory fee paid by all students. Now, the fact that the typical student union was run by rabid lefties, all of whom wanted to spend at least some of that money on campus-based political campaigns and protests, caused concerns for John Howard’s Government. The solution was to remove the mandatory fee as a funding source for the unions. He used the (admittedly pretty compelling) reasoning that nobody should be forced to pay to associate with an organisation that they may not necessarily agree with. There are plenty of arguments against that, but in the interest of conserving page space, we’ll leave the successful push to remove mandatory student unionism as the backdrop for the SSAF legislation. Now, the problem that immediately arises from this is that without student unions, campus life would immediately collapse. The government couldn’t have that. But the government also couldn’t just let universities start setting their own rates, or we could expect a lot of money being levied from undergraduate students to fund university research. So within four years of having taken away the mandatory student union fees, the government, now under Gillard, created the Student Services and Amenities Fee, (or, ‘the SSAF’, that ~$120 fee you pay every semester around this time on SI-net). Students would not give this money over to their student union, but instead to their university. And to make sure the universities play fair and don’t just spend this new fee on big strategic goals that land them in the top 50 global rankings for universities, they have to do two things: firstly, have a formal consultation with democratically elected student representatives, and secondly, only release SSAF money if it’s for an expenditure in one of 19 approved categories. The categories are things like providing food and drink on campus, supporting debating for students, and even publishing media by and for students (and yes, reader, this is how Semper is delivered to you for free). The University of Queensland, however, does not formally consult with the student union. Instead, they have created something called the “SSAF Sub-Committee” (be-
cause of course the University needed another committee), to make their own decisions. And while there are some students on the sub-committee, the University deliberately states on their website that “[their] role is not a formal representation role”. Or in other words, “you better bloody not represent student wishes at these meetings”. Let me be clear here, federal legislation is very deliberate about the need for democratic student representation on all SSAF-related issues. The University has been just as deliberate in ensuring that there is no representation. They insist, however, that the Union must not be on the Sub-Committee, because the Union is a beneficiary of the SSAF. Which is such a wonderful, governance-oriented mindset, don’t you think? So governance-oriented, in fact, that you might find it very interesting if this sub-committee were suddenly funding projects that were not actually provided for in the SSAF criteria. Well, prepare to be very interested, because that’s exactly what I’m about to allege is happening. Remember that any use of SSAF is prohibited unless it fits into 19 categories dreamed up by politicians as being those services and amenities conducive to enjoying the non-academic side of campus life. We recently obtained a document outlining the University’s discretionary SSAF expenditure in 2018. That document listed some curious expenditures, two of them particularly curious: $370,000 for refurbishing room 50-S301 in the Hawken Engineering Building $200,000 for the Humanities and Social Sciences faculty to ‘create leaders, community, and belonging’ These two stand out as lacking any relation to the SSAF categories. In fact, it is difficult to see what resemblance they bear to creating a non-academic campus life at all. And in fact, the means by which one might spend money to ‘create leaders, community, and belonging’, are so vague that it is difficult to understand how a Sub-Committee of partly-to-fully university-educated people could even approve it as fitting specific criteria. So we went straight to the source. We looked up the Sub-Committee and directed questions on the above to the Sub-Committee’s Secretariat, Andrew Jell. We also asked him which democratically elected representatives were consulted about these expenditures, because, as you now know, it is a legal requirement. Mr Jell had responses to each of these questions, but each of them confounded us even more. And note, by the way, that we approached Mr Jell only because he is the secretariat of the sub-committee — we are not suggesting he is responsible for what we are about to allege are serious breaches of federal law, just that he was at the meetings and was willing to respond to our requests for comment. The refurbishing of Room 50-S301, Mr Jell said, was allowed in the SSAF category “providing libraries and reading rooms (other than those provided for academic purposes) for students”. To be fair, this is indeed a SSAF category, but take careful note of the academic purposes exception. The intention is clear that the University can’t just refurbish Central Library using student fees.
Continues on Page 4
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NEWS And if you would care to take a look at Room 50-S301 some time, the room is clearly labelled a “Student Learning Centre”. In fact, if you search the room name in Google, you’ll be led to the UQ website, which lists the functions of the room as follows: “powerpoints available, no equipment, table/chairs, individual or group study” (emphasis added). That is to say, the University does not envisage this room as a non-academic service. It is a learning centre, for individual or group study. I don’t know about you, but to me, that sounds like an academic purpose. To me, it sounds like this isn’t provided for in the SSAF legislation. And how about that project to create leaders in HASS? If you’re anything like me, when you hear “creating leaders”, you think of feel-good seminars where you really find yourself by clapping hands in groups and making affirming statements to your peers. But that would almost certainly not be a SSAF criteria. So I asked Mr Jell for a specific list of activities undertaken in this project. He did not give me one. But he did tell me that the SSAF categories that this leadership creation project fits are as follows: Providing food or drink to students on a campus of the higher education provider. Helping students obtain employment or advice on careers. Helping students develop skills for study, by means other than undertaking courses of study in which they are enrolled. Giving students information to help them in their orientation. Now, something strange is going on here. Because nothing in that list of approved categories sounds like something that would also be done in the process of “creating leaders”. I mean, seriously, “providing food or drink” is the category used to fund the major outlets in the refectory. We’re talking places like On A Roll Bakery, and the Red Room, here. Did the HASS faculty open an outlet that we’re all sleeping on? I doubt it. And even if they did, how does that “create leaders, community, and belonging” in the HASS faculty? Regarding the lack of democratic representation on the SSAF Sub-Commitee, Mr Jell said the following: “UQ notes your opinion in relation to the Higher Education Support Act 2003 (Cth) – Student Services, Amenities, Representation and Advocacy Guidelines (16 July 2013). You are correct the guidelines require consultation with democratically elected student representatives but they do not specifically mention the UQU student executive.” And I’d just like to pause here, because of fucking course federal legislation doesn’t specifically mention by name the UQ Union, which is at one university out of the 43 in this country. However, the legislation is clear that democratic representatives must be consulted, and says the following: “Many HEPs currently recognise independent student organisations that have student representatives who are democratically elected by students enrolled at the HEP. Where such organisations exist, students in relevant elected positions should be included in the HEP’s normal consultative arrangements.” So while UQU may not have been namedropped, the government is clear that union-like organisations are the first port of call for making these decisions, and at the very least, somebody democratically elected must be consulted.
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We asked Andrew Jell to clarify which democratically elected students were consulted, and reiterated our request for a specific list of activities undertaken in the HASS leadership course. He was unable to meet this request before our deadline. In my opinion, the University has broken the two golden rules regarding the SSAF. Formally consult students, and only spend SSAF on projects in the approved categories. Mr Jell noted that “the UQ SSAF governance and distribution model [is] due for review”, and that “UQ is open to suggestions as to how it can improve its SSAF consultation and communication with all students”. For my two cents, UQ’s review could make a good start by following the law.
The author’s wages are paid in part by SSAF. This publication is funded by SSAF. The author also pays SSAF.
On Sandwiches ROWAN EVANS - Chief Editor
Keen adherents to our Facebook page (or even UQ StalkerSpace) might recognise Andrew Jell, our contact in the previous article, from pictures of posters we printed a few weeks ago. The poster simply read “FREE SANDWICHES. Now available for Andrew Jell only. Please enquire at the Semper office if your name is Andrew Jell”. The purpose of those posters was a light-hearted reminder to Mr Jell to come visit us, because he happens to occupy an office a few doors down from the Semper office, and he frequents the thoroughfare where we placed the posters. We put the posters out for two days over the holidays, decided the joke was over, and put them back in our office. We intended these posters to be received as a simple joke to the average passerby. “Why on earth would someone advertise for only one person?”, one might think. And from looking at the confused-come-bemused expressions on pedestrians passing in front of the office, I believe it was received that way. However, it was apparently not received this way by one of Mr Jell’s colleagues, who sent an email regarding the posters to express serious concerns about Semper’s approach. This piece, however, is not an apology, because that email never asked me for one. Actually, it asked me for nothing at all. Because that email was sent to the UQ Union President, the Managing Director, and another staff member on the leadership team. Not me. This issue was never raised to me directly, but instead went to my employers — a behaviour management technique which I am confident would not be exercised on any other UQ student. The email makes a few bold claims. Namely, that my offer of free sandwiches “created a hostile work environment” for Andrew; that my actions have “fallen short of some basic standards” outlined by the Media, Entertainment, and Arts Alliance Code of Conduct for journalists; and that I should never have sent those questions to Andrew Jell because he is “not a decision maker” regarding the SSAF and “has no right to reply” (because he is not approved to do so by UQ).
On The Hostile Work Environment
This article is not to apologise for any of the above, but to dismiss each of the above three claims in painstaking detail, and explain why even if they were true, they would paint a bleak picture of how UQ would like to operate. Firstly, to construe the offer of free sandwiches as being workplace harassment is a suggestion so ridiculous that it surprises me to write it outside of the comedy section of this publication. If it did bother Andrew to see his name on a sign for two days, he is a grown man who can raise issues like this with me if he wants to. Andrew Jell sent his original response to my questions well after I had removed the sandwich board, so I am confident that he had neither lost my email address nor the courage to talk to me about difficult issues.
On The MEAA Code of Conduct
They also noted items 4 and 5 in the Code of Conduct, which relate to not allowing personal interest to interfere with fairness and accuracy, and to disclosing anything that could be seen as a conflict of interest. They don’t make any clear point about what they’re trying to imply here, but you might note that the preceding article does indeed end with an acknowledgement that Semper is in part funded by SSAF. But to the extent that I do have an interest in ensuring that my university is using my SSAF payment correctly, that interest is an extremely public interest, not
SEMPER limited to me but shared among every other student on campus. The only part of the MEAA Code of Conduct which might be relevant here is the bit that says “Never exploit a person’s vulnerability or ignorance of media practice”. Now it happens that last year, when I approached the Multi-Faith Chaplaincy Centre for comment, they told me that before they could talk to me, I would first have to seek clearance from Andrew Jell of all people. He took a week or so to get back to me on that one, and eventually declined to comment. From that experience, I have quite a reasonable belief that Andrew Jell is very familiar with media practice. Approaching him in this instance was a fair and reasonable search for the truth.
On The Protocol
Can I just stress, Andrew responded to my emails with answers. That is to say, if it really is “protocol” for these questions to be fielded by senior executives, then Andrew does not seem to be aware of it. How can I be expected to know that this is the proper protocol if an actual UQ staff member can’t? To be frank, even if this were UQ’s protocol, it is not incumbent on me as a student journalist to follow it. However, it is incumbent upon me to set a good example for student journalists. And that’s not me being haughty-taughty, that’s literally one of the Key Performance Indicators that the Semper editor has to achieve to secure funding for this publication. A KPI which, ironically enough, was agreed to by Andrew Jell himself as part of the Union’s Funding Services Agreement. I find it deeply ironic that the example that this staff member is now asking me to set is to go through only those channels approved by the administration, instead of directly approaching the source of truth who works on the committee relating to the documents I had read. The claim that Andrew should not have been approached because he is “not a decision maker” is, and I don’t use this term lightly, gaslighting. If you would care to take a look at the SSAF Sub-Committee website, a panel on the right-hand side clearly reads the following: “For further information, including agendas and minutes, please contact the Secretariat”. The page then provides a contact list which has exactly one name on it: Andrew Jell. Surely you can understand why I, even though I am a professional journalist, might have made the mistake of looking at a list of contacts with only one name on it, and concluding that I should speak to that person? But let me just address how questionable this protocol is, even if it is real. Instead of address Andrew Jell, you tell me that I should bother the Vice-Chancellor, the Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Academic), or the Pro-Vice-Chancellor (Teaching & Learning) for their time. I am very familiar with what happens when I request comments from the senior executive. My request gets forwarded to the Office of Marketing & Communications, and I get a carefully-worded response from them rather than the senior executive to whom I initially requested the comment. I raise this not just because I dislike getting handballed to the OMC, but because you are suggesting that this is the ‘protocol’ when we are talking about SSAF expenditures. That is to say, if I want to know how the fees I pay every semester gets spent, I can’t just ask the person who runs the meetings. Instead, if I see what I think is an irregular use of my $150, I have to send my concern to an office of spin doctors who weren’t at the meeting. Ask yourself how that’s a fair and transparent way of dealing with the money I pay you. So thank you for your concern. Next time feel free to visit my office, where I exercise an open door policy. We work in the same complex. It’s not hard. Heck, I might even give you a free sandwich for your time.
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Random Acts of Respect As told to AK Bradley
Another ANONYMOUS GAL in the Kingham Room
So much of the conversation around sexual assault and harassment is about self-control or the victim-blamey advice on defending yourself. But it seems to us here at Semper that what’s so often misisng is the advice on how to intervene when you see it happening before your very eyes. So that’s what this column is for. We want to ask regular people how they’ve stepped in when they see something going on. We hope that these accounts of everyday heroes will embolden readers when a critical moment arises.
Yeah I used to work at McDonald’s. At the time I was 15, and I took a bunch of trays of food out to a family. And the man was really aggressive, like from when I served him to when I served his table, and he was really aggressive towards his wife. And, um, when I handed the trays down, he commented on her weight and told her “you shouldn’t be eating that” and got aggressive with her and snatched things off her. All while I was serving them and cleaning up their children’s mess and stuff. And, um, he was sort of just like pushing her along the table and things like that. Cause I was so young I didn’t know what to do, so I just went back inside and told my manager who was also only like 18 at the time. So she ended up just going over with another manager and just saying that they were making other people uncomfortable and that they needed to like change how they were behaving. They ended up just getting up and leaving, but I think all of us were really distressed because you don’t know what happens after they leave. We don’t know if we made things worse or better, but um, yeah, it was pretty confronting because that was the first time I’d ever seen something that bad happen in front of me. It’s stressful, because like you’re watching, and you’re like “Do I say something now? I’m just a kid,” Or what if they get aggressive with you and stuff. So I think in that situation it’s best to just tell somebody, like, older or in charge or something. Yeah, I think if you’re uncomfortable in dealing with the situation just find somebody who can because it’s better than not saying anything at all obviously.
ANONYMOUS GAL
So I saw a woman and a man fighting down next to the tennis courts and I was there with my dogs. And I was on the other side of the road and, um, what I saw first was the man like pushing the woman, sort of handing her a bit roughly. So I ran over with my dogs, and I kinda yelled out “Hey!” and they seemed to like split up for a while. And eventually what I saw was actually the woman coming back, and he was trying to walk away. And the woman coming back and shoving him. But at the time, I was thinking sort of that, you know, just to step in in case, cause you don’t actually know what’s going on. Yeah, so I was- I was sort of unsure whether it was my business or not but it was just kind of an instinct, you know? Like because I saw them fighting physically so I sort of ran over. I didn’t run over all the way, but just enough to kind of split it up a bit. Afterwards I thought about it, and I was kind of like “oh was that my business.” But you don’t know what’s actually happening so it’s better to say something even if you end of being wrong. It still makes a difference in case it is actually a violent situation.
ANONYMOUS GAL in the Kingham Room
I was in a club, and this guy kept like grinding on me and sorta had his hands all over me, and I like, you know at first I kinda politely go “Oh, no thank you.” But then in the end I was like “Please, like, go away.” And he was like “Oh do you wanna come and blow me in the bathroom?” And I just like full- I didn’t even say anything- I just like full pushed him off of me, walked away, and then he yelled out across the club “You’re a frigid bitch!” And I was just like, “Alright..” And I ended up telling the security guard. The security guy straight away found him, kicked him out, and the security guy came back out and was like “He’s banned from this club for a while.” And I was like “Cool well at least I can come to this one club and know I’ll be safe from that one guy.” So yeah, I don’t know, it didn’t really make me- it didn’t really make me uncomfortable or anything. It was more just like, like, no, why would you even try that? Does that work for you? It was more just like “go away” which is kinda sad because it should be more “how dare you” but I didn’t even feel that way. I always think it’s safer to get security rather than saying anything and getting harassed further. I’m better off just saying nothing and then just getting security.
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You can help create a positive culture of sexual conduct. Research shows that students are more likely to tell other students rather than uni administration about an incident of sexual violence, and that the attitudes they experience on first disclosure have a huge impact on how well they recover. If anyone ever discloses to you. Try to remember the following phrases: 1. “I’m sorry this happened to you” because what they hear is “I believe you” 2. “What happened is not your fault” because what they hear is “you are not to blame” 3. “I’m going to do what I can to help you with this” because what they hear is “you are no longer alone in this”
SEMPER
How Proud I Am Of This University AMY SIENKIEWICZ-GROB - Women’s Editor
I wanted to share this with you to demonstrate how proud I am of this University. Below is an email that Vice-Chancellor Peter Høj sent out to staff last week after the news broke of three tutors sharing sexually explicit images of their students. “Earlier today, I addressed the media, and through them the Australian public, about ongoing investigations in to a group of students whose conduct, if proven, has not only brought the University of Queensland into disrepute, but has let down everyone of you, and all of those whose past studies have put them among the highest achievers in this nation. There are limits to how much I can tell you because the investigations into this network by the Queensland police are ongoing. But evidence collected to date has identified a group of men, within our ranks, who have allegedly produced highly inappropriate material, demeaning women and distributed it on the internet and University email networks. If this is true, then the actions of these members are in direct contravention to every value that the University of Queensland stands for. By now I assume you know my attitude to this type of conduct. I have stated categorically, many times, that the University has to be a inclusive organisation, in which every student, man and woman, is able to reach their full potential and is encouraged to do so. Those who think that it is okay to behave in a way that demeans or exploits their colleagues, have no place in this university. Our University has been engaged in continuous operations since 1909, and has been climbing world university rankings to its highest placement in the Top 50 this year. On all operations, female students and researchers have proven themselves worthy of the best traditions of the University of Queensland. They are vital to us, maintaining our capability now, and in to the future. If that does not suit you, then get out! You may find another university where your attitude and behaviour is acceptable, but I doubt it. The same goes to those who think toughness is built on humiliating others. Every one of us is responsible for the culture and reputation of our University and the environment in which we work. If you become aware of any individual degrading another, then show moral courage and take a stand against it. No one has ever explained to me how the exploitation or degradation of others, enhances capability, or honours the traditions of the University of Queensland. I will be ruthless in ridding the University of people who cannot live up to its values. And I need everyone of you to support me in achieving this. The standard you walk past, is the standard you accept. That goes for all of us, but especially those, who by their rank, have a leadership role. If we are a great world institution, if we care about the legacy left to us by those who have served before us, if we
care about the legacy we leave to those who, in turn will educate and research for Australia, then it is up to us to make a difference. If you’re not up to it, find something else to do with your life. There is no place for you amongst this band of brothers and sisters.” By now, you might have noticed that this is not a real address from Peter Høj, and there was no recent sexual scandal involving University staff. No, this is instead a speech given by David Morrison to the Australian Army with some of the key details switched for the University of Queensland. I had to use that speech, because I can’t find a single time that Peter Høj indicated he might be brave enough to do the same for women. Instead, at this university, my friend can’t even switch out of a tutorial class with her rapist, because the University refuses to make an exception. I’m not asking for grand statements that win you the adoration of the Internet, Professor Høj. I don’t want you to do anything big. I just want you to help women to quietly regain their dignity. You don’t need a big scandal to help you do that.
If you or someone you know is or has been experiencing issues, help is out there: Lifeline: 13 11 14 Student Help On Campus: 3346 3400 https://www.uqu.com.au/student-support UQ Counselling: 1300 851 998 https://www.uq.edu.au/student-services/ counselling-services Contact 000 if you are in immediate danger.
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Cryptic Crossword Authored by White Bishop
25. How one eats breakfast, I hear, seated on high, egg salted! (7) 26. Can I be like a friend? (7) 27. Always severs the points. (4) 28. Time to follow N.T. town nurse and men. It is “of them”, “by them”, “for them” (10) DOWN 1. First munch into chop. (5) 2. Umpire to notice post-dated is re-suggested for consideration. (9) 3. Remote mice trio remember small particle drifting to earth. (5-9) 4. See a bucking bronco and find BBQ favourite. (4-3) 5. Type of travel made for cricket game by half the team. (7) 7. Aspect heard, seen and partly acted on. (5) 8. Step in to bury even content (9) 9. Susceptibility to or inclination to see spider dancing on the spot. (14) 14. Wear someone else’s denims e.g. homologous recombination (9) 16. Fair, like how you can click in close-box. (9) 18. Despicable person heard on a hemming marathon. (2-3-2) 19. To embark like pilot pen point in a grid. (7) 22. Some trees are seen to back up and wipe out while falling in reverse, (5) 24. Stiff construct. (5)
ACROSS 1. Stove care about mob chi (7,3) 6. Drink used in casting off e.g. boat’s maiden voyage. (4) 10. I see royalty following putrid commander. (7) 11. Firm belief of organ container for eggs. (7) 12. No, no, no! (9) 13. First E.N.T specialist to seem blue. (5) 14. It reverses the decimation of the wallet. (5) 15. Top brass I hear is the main supporter of victorious US women’s soccer team. (9) 17. Total six directions and one directed. (9) 20. Reproductive material for when you fall in love. (5) 21. Thin tissue for slander. (5) 23. A soft point and a pair indicate the one chosen for the task. (9)
Easier Clues ACROSS 1. Stove top (7,3) 6. Type of bubbly (4) 10. Commander in the forces. (7) 11. Firm belief (7) 12. Long nose (9) 13. Blue. (5) 14. A levy of one tenth. (5) 15. Undergarment. (9) 17. One to whom something is directed. (9) 20. Reproductive material. (5) 21. Slander. (5) 23. The one chosen for the task. (9) 25. Elevated. (7) 26. Disposed to please. (7) 27. Always. (4) 28. Political unit of authority. (10)
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Bring a completed copy of this crossword to the UQU Reception, and enter the draw to win a $5 UQU voucher!
The same crossword made simpler.
DOWN 1. The act of chewing off. (5) 2. Re-suggested for consideration. (9) 3. Small particle drifting to earth. (5-9) 4. The hard-cylindrical core that bears kernels. (4-3) 5. Type of ocean travel. (7) 7. Aspect or part of play. (5) 8. Step in (9) 9. Susceptibility to or inclination to. (14) 14. Homologous recombination (9) 16. Fair. (9) 18. A despicable person. (2-3-2) 19. To embark. (7) 22. Wipe out. (5) 24. Stiff or construct. (5)
Previous Solution: ACROSS 1 backpack. 5 immure. 8 nincompoop. 9 rich. 10 epidemiologist. 11 sheathe. 13 optimal. 15 freeman. 18 surplus. 21 monopolization. 22 iamb. 23 everywhere. 24 recede. 25 grayness. DOWN 1 bonkers. 2 centipede. 3 project. 4 capsize. 5 impromptu. 6 martini. 7 ricotta. 12 headpiece. 14 millipede. 16 rummage. 17 ennoble. 18 stirrer. 19 roadway. 20 sinless.
Sudoku Easy
SEMPER
Hard
From the Semper Archives We went flicking through the archives and found a great staple column from the year 1950 called Comment Alley. Basically short and sweet letters to the editor with puns on the names of classmates peppered in. Presented below are some comments to show how times have changed, and others that show they have not.
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NEWS
The inter-semester break meant that student politicians were on break as well. Here’s some horoscopes instead. Aquarius (January 20 February 18) This mercury retrograde is sure to be spinning you out. Please, for the love of god, remember: your grandma’s 80th is not a good place to try those new edibles. Pisces (February 19 March 20) Saturn’s transit through your 6th house will hopefully make you get your shit together. Finish that book on Norse Mythology. Make the dentist appointment you’ve been avoiding for 2 years. Stop thinking about that street art you saw in Barcelona back in 2012. Yes, it was beautiful, but you need to live in the present. Aries (March 21 - April 19) In classic Aries style, you won’t follow anyone’s advice, let alone this column. We don’t even need the stars to tell you reign in the spending, and try not to get into a massive argument after your first glass of wine on Friday night. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It’s been a loooong week lounging around in a silk robe, waiting for the news of your millionaire husband’s mysterious death at sea. Treat yourself with a dozen roses and 1000 thread count sheets. Don’t feel bad, baby. That life insurance payout ain’t gonna spend itself.
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Gemini (May 21 - June 20) There’s been far too many emotional people bombarding you with their feelings this week. Annoying as they are, Mercury’s transit will push you to communicate with others a little better. Get that annoying “boyfriend” off your back with 5 simple words: it’s not me, it’s you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) We’re always a bit worried about the Cancerians of the zodiac. You guys are the emotional sponge of the world, picking up any and every sad emotion you find. With Jupiter’s transition into your second house of personal growth, work on standing up for yourself. That self defence class might come in handy - just don’t burst into tears at the thought of violence. Leo (July 23 - August 22) It’s been a long Cancer season of losers crying over anything and everything, but it’s finally Leo’s time to shine! Cheer your friends up by inviting 100 of them to a surprise party. The surprise? How hot you look in those black leather pants. Reow. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Oh, Virgo. It gets tiring going through life without any appreciation for anything you do. For your own sake, go a day without a to-do list. Put down the ritalin. This week’s Neptune transit just knows you need a xanax instead.
Libra (September 23 - October 22) Venus’ transition through the Libra moon this month will have you feeling like even more of a cute bitch than usual. Harness that confidence to pay off your Afterpay debts! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It’s been six months and your ex looks like they might be starting to move on. Soooo, definitely time for you to hit them with that 2am ‘I miss you’ text! Ignore their response in the morning. The full moon will do the rest. Sagittarius (November 22 December 21) The sun’s passing through your 8th house of dramatic change this week. What’s a Sag without her totally unpredictable lifestyle? Take a cooking class, try taekwon-do, ghost that guy from Tinder who bought you a $60 2-course dinner but was honestly like super boring. Keep living that impulsive Sag life! Capricorn (December 22 January 19) It’s a tough life quietly judging everyone in the room, content in the knowledge that you’re the smartest person there. You’ll never admit how you actually feel, but perhaps with this week’s new moon you could try a bit of introspection. Maybe you aren’t a wise old goat - you’re just an asshole!
SEMPER
Campbell Ray beats Duncan Hart in quest to see who graduates first control that people genuinely think he engaged in In a move that shocked punters and bookies alike, University of Queensland student and long-time Team Rocket leader Campbell Ray has graduated from the University this week ahead of rival student politician, Duncan Hart of Socialist Alternative. “This is a big surprise,” SportsBet told Semper after the graduation ceremony “We had this outcome at $12, so it comes as a big surprise to have to pay it out now,” they said. Campbell Ray will be remembered fondly by the general student body, and perhaps less fondly by peers in student politics. His greatest hits include: - Starting a political party called “I just want my voucher” to run in student elections - Being responsible for the word “voucher” getting prohibited in the names of student political parties - Registering a political party called “I just want my VOUCHFR” and using bits of tape to cover up the bottom of the E on the shirts he’d already printed. - Being a founding member of the Democracy for UQ Union movement - Breaking into the UQ Union building during the 2012 corruption saga trying to get documents - Wearing a unicorn mask to said break-in. - Throwing baggies of powder around the place during said break-in. - Being confronted by security during said break-in. - Attempting a ninja jump off the roof of the Union Building to evade security during said breakin. - Slipping on to his back after ninja jump, needing an ambulance, and ultimately just being pitied by the security guard. - Talking about back injury acquired during break-in for years afterwards. - Allowing stories about the break-in to get so far out of
auto-erotic activities, did drugs on the President’s desk during said break-in. (We’re pretty sure he didn’t). - Starting a political party called “Team Rocket” - Getting punched in the head while campaigning for Team Rocket - Getting into the ABC news describing injuries from aforementioned head punch and noting grazing on the “muffin-top area” - Somehow managing to pull quorum at a Council meeting when he was the only Councillor from Team Rocket - Spinning yarns about the Fresh days of the UQ Union. - Getting really pissed about the Democracy 4 UQU movement even though it was successful. - Repeatedly coming to Council meetings and proposing common-sense solutions that make both parties angry. - Putting up the same motion to ban animals from election campaigns and getting it rejected at Council meetings for four years running - Finally getting a motion to ban animals from election campaigns approved by Council in the final meeting before he graduated. - Taping a dildo to his forehead, and walking through the student election campaign area with a sign saying “Still not the biggest dickhead in the election” - Attending Jesus Week wearing a big black cloak with a sign saying “Ask Me About Satan” - Wearing a horse mask during elections - Wearing a horse mask and posing behind Socialist Alternative members with derogatory signs during elections (which we accept went a bit far, but he’ll still be remembered for it) - Wearing a unicorn mask during elections Socialist Alternative member Duncan Hart has informed Semper that he intends to graduate next year. At press time, Campbell was considering beginning another degree at UQ.
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COMEDY
Speculator
St Lucia
UQ’s other news source since 1933
Peter Høj on plans after retirement PETER HØJ, AC - Vice-Chancellor and President of UQ One of my greatest joys in life is spending time on the open water. When I was a young barn in Denmark, I could often be found aboard a boat in the Helgoland Bight. Not one of these fancy yachts or catamarans, mind you, I would be aboard a commercial fishing vessel for my father’s fish and chips shop. When the business went bust after my father cooked one too many over-smoked salmon, he told me to get an education, because nobody can take that away from you. And while I don’t begrudge the success that advice brought me, including many years atop the higher education food chain, improving the rankings of esteemed institutions, I often find myself reminiscing on those days aboard father’s fishing ships. That is why when I retire in July of 2020, I intend to go back to the open seas. This time, however, I will not be limiting myself to strictly legal operations. Instead I intend to engage in some good old-fashioned piracy. Yes, that’s right, you can say goodbye to the well-known and loved Vice Chancellor and President Professor Peter Høj, and say hello instead to the new and improved Captain Pete Ahoy.
Captain Pete Ahoy
Clerical error sees UQ host World’s Biggest Yoga Party The University of Queensland has formally apologised for a typographical error which saw hundreds of ads across campus publicising a yoga party. The ad, which was intended to be made for the University’s famous Toga Party, was instead advertised as a large mindfulness event. “A memo was sent to our marketing department to prepare materials for the toga party, but a typo saw the event listed as a ‘yoga’ party instead,” a University spokesperson said. “Our brilliant and efficient marketing team then selected the buzzword ‘mindfulness’, and produced several hundred posters and enlisted the help of Guinness World Records all before anyone could notice. “The University deeply regrets this error, and we acknowledge that obviously nobody would want to attend a giant mindfulness event. “We hope to blast house music at 120dB in the Great Court again as soon as possible,” they said.
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The university has blamed a typographical error for this embarrassment
COMEDY
“Just say the word and I’ll hold another SGM”, says Millroy Georgia Millroy has sent an email reminder to all students to say that if they want another SGM, all they have to do is just ask for one. “Whether it’s about lectures starting too early in the day, or even about your exam timetable not being great, just let me know, and I’ll make sure that we hold a constitutionally and regulatorily valid Student General Meeting,” Ms Millroy’s email reads. “Seriously, it doesn’t matter what kind of a motion you want to put up, at this point I’m willing to question whether this University even exists,” she said. “I am just looking out for you, for real. I couldn’t forgive myself if I found out there might be a student out there hoping to go sicko mode on the University executive, and feeling like they need someone to help out. “Please, if you’re out there, pacing your living room at 2am every night, hoping to find someone who shares your enthusiasm for calling 500 people together to make a democratic decision, just know that you are not alone, and this is normal behaviour. “I’m all-ears, let’s go,” she said.
Lecturer Just Going To Let Video Autoplay To Distract From Deeper Personal Flaws A lecturer at the University of Queensland has told reporters that despite being fully aware that YouTube is about to autoplay an unintended video, she will not attempt to stop it, as it may cover up her personal deficiencies. UQ lecturer Kelly Jameson originally opened Microsoft Edge and pressed play on a relevant video to illustrate a finer point about her lecture, and now intends to leave an irrelevant video to play for a few moments in the hopes that nobody realises that her life is spiralling out of control. “If all goes right, students will remember this video, and not realise that I have never truly loved another human being,” Ms Jameson told The Speculator. “I know it seems stupid that I still carry on with the facade of being a functioning human, but I’m just really hoping no student will notice I’m still wearing yesterday’s clothes,” she explained. “Honestly, if nobody notices that I didn’t brush my teeth or my hair this morning, as far as I’m con-
cerned, that’s another day I can delude myself into believing I haven’t hit rock bottom yet.” At press time, students were snickering at the new video playing on the screen as Ms Jameson exhaled a short, but gratifying sigh of relief.
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LOST Plate of Sandwiches Last seen near Student Services department’s sense of humour. If found, please return to Semper office.