Issue 06 - Environment by Salient

EDITORIAL

LETTERS & NOTICES

NEWS News Party Line Tweets Of The Week

6 13 14

FEATURES Grassroots Connections The Taranaki Question Interview with Sea Shepherd

16 20 26

CENTREFOLD

COLUMNS Token Cripple Shit Chat Lost in the Sauce Mauri Ora The F Word Dream Diagnosis Liquid Knowledge PSC: One Ocean Uni Council

28 29 30 31

POEM

32 33 34

REVIEWS Food Television Film Fashion Music Theatre

36 37 38 39 40 41

ENTERTAINMENT Horoscopes 43

Sometimes life seems like one compromise after another, especially when it comes to efforts around conservation. For instance: Every weekend, Grant Guilford flies to plant and care for native trees in his tracts of bush in Waikato and Nelson Lakes. The paradox is that in doing so, he’s contributing to air pollution. Grant’s not alone. We are all guilty in our apathy, and perhaps more tragically, the unintended consequences of our actions. We think we’re hitting the ball, but we’re not following through with our swing. Salient writes about how the earth needs to be saved, but we don’t currently use recyclable paper or local printers (you can send an email to ceo@vuwsa.org.nz to ask Matt Tucker why). We’ll bike to the market for our groceries, but end up using plastic because we forgot our tote at home. We’ll recycle all the right materials, but we’re unsure how clean that yoghurt container should actually be. The examples go on: We’ll buy the plain brown packaging with green arrows on it, but hell, now that I think about it, was that shit just green-washed? Which leads to a bigger question: Am I green-washed? Here’s a quote that a charity mugger told me a few years ago: “Every time you make a purchase, you vote for the way you want the world to be.” As much as I resented his self-righteous posturing, the dude had a point. Since the government isn’t holding manufacturers accountable, it appears as though it’s up to us, the consumers. It is also up to us, the creatives. The entrepreneurs. The inventors. The educators. The voters.

On the other hand, I wonder how much longer we have left. Ice caps are melting off faster than a popsicle in Wellington on an especially good day. Faster than our hope for the 'flat warrant of fitness' that was –promised to us two years ago. The waters are rising, the fires are burning, and the wildlife is migrating—or disappearing altogether. Let’s chew on these issues together, starting a dialogue about the cost and benefits of it all. This week’s Salient offers you a variety: CKW writes about the controversial but unavoidable question looming over Taranaki. Finn has a chat with Sea Shepherd. And Te Aorewa brings us back to our very innate yearning to connect with nature. Everything is connected on this pale blue dot. We done fucked up. Now we must take the steps to unfuck the world. “There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.” - Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

On one hand, I wonder how far away we are from being a better society. How far off until we see rooms advertised in “plastic-free” flats? How many years until petrol is a product of the past?

Kii Small & Taylor Galmiche

Send your letters to editor@salient.org.nz

Letters must be received before Tuesday 5 p.m. for publication the following week. They must be 200 words or less. Letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar. Salient reserves the right to edit, abridge, or decline any letter without explanation.

Lol wtf salient horoscope person, are you stalking me? I usually read the horoscope after completing the soduku (shoutout to soduku) and laugh about how inaccurate they are, but this week ya got me good. First off, you said all Libras are gay and I legit just went on my first date with a girl on Monday night and realised I'm probs lesbian lol. Like you said, I met her on tinder (though who meets any other way). Also, I was voted most likely to have an orgy in my friend group, so your prediction of group sex as the best sexual act is weirdly relevant. Finally, I listened to "Pussy is God" by King Princess while demolishing both of the soduku puzzles (which is as close as I'm getting to shagging these days). I've narrowed you down to either one of my four Spotify followers or one of my two mates I have been annoying by ranting about how I never realised that I might be into girls. Please stop stalking me. Yours sincerely,

LET ME TELL THE RESIDENTS OF JOAN STEVENS HALL THAT THEY HAVE 2 PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL JESUS WHEELS AFFIXED TO THE ENDS OF THEIR LEG APPENDAGES AND THAT THE DISTANCE TO UNI FROM THAT RUN-DOWN SLUM EXCUSE FOR ACCOMODATION IS LESS THAN THE DISTANCE BETWEEN THE HUB AND THE LAB ALL YOU DO IS MAKE THE BUS HEAVIER AND INCREASE CARBON EMISSIONS With hate, A.B

I’m just writing in to the opinion piece by Atanas Tomovski, Gay Blood. Thank you for this piece! I had absolutely no idea that this was even an issue as I’m sure a lot of people may not. I feel very grateful to be educated! Hopefully now more of us will be understanding and able to help, give support. So well written too xx

Paranoid Libra

Your feedback and opinions matter! Each week we’ll award our favourite letter with two tickets to Zealandia.

Send your notices to designer@salient.org.nz

BAD FEMINISTS COLLECTIVE

VICTORIA UNIVERSITY OF WELLINGTON VUW has announced an additional student consultation forum on their Sexual Harassment Prevention Policy. It will be held on Thursday, 9 May, 10–11 a.m. in Lecture Theatre 1 (VSLT1), Te Aro campus Additional information, including the draft policy and other student forums, can be found on the VUW website, under the “Current students” tab.

A wholesome book club for bad feminists everywhere Mana wāhine: Feminism in Aotearoa April 10th, 11 a.m.

sponsored by

Nature is so beautiful. What are you gonna miss most when it's all destroyed by climate change? Send your replies to our Instagram stories @salientgram

I'm scared of the fact that my kids won't be able to spend summers swimming at the beach REPLY

Waking up to kaka shgging outside my bedroom window

Being able to breathe lol

Oriental Bay, I love walking round there

Hearing the Tuis amoungst the trees! I love NZ nature so much

My Keep Cup TM The Green Party, I don't want to live in a world where I can't see James Shaw

The fact I will never se a full Amazon Rainforest

My barista

ISSUE 6

SALIENT

News. Keen eye for news? send us any tips, leads, or gossip to news@salient.org.nz

IN BRIEF: SEXUAL ASSAULT AND RAPE WENT UNDISCIPLINED AT KNOX COLLEGE FINN BLACKWELL CW: Sexual Assault, Sexual Harrassment, Mental Illness

“So far as anyone was concerned this was normal,” she said.

Sexual assault is an issue of growing concern in New Zealand, especially for university students. A recent investigation conducted by Esme Hall and Charlie O'Mannin at Otago student magazine, Critic Te Arohi, brought the issue into the national consciousness again.

In 2016, Talia was sexually assaulted again. She was deterred once more, not reporting the incident as she thought that the residents and RAs in the hall would judge her for her own “naivety”. Additionally, she “didn’t feel the [female] deputy master was approachable”.

The investigation revealed that the prestigious Otago Hall of Residence, Knox College, failed to appropriately deal with numerous cases of sexual assault, as well as the alleged culture that encourages and permits it.

“I couldn’t leave my room for days because I was afraid of that sort of thing happening again … nobody noticed.”

Sexual Assault “Brushed Off ” by College Leadership Knox resident Anne* came forward in 2016 to report repeated sexual harassment and rape from a fellow resident.

“Casual Misogyny” Creates “Toxic” Environment for Residents 2017 resident Lizzy* identified a number of incidents and practices at Knox which demonstrated the casually misogynistic culture of the hall.

After taking her case to the Deputy Master, her complaints were “brushed off ”, and were not passed onto the hall’s Master. When Anne finally complained to the Master directly, they considered the event an “isolated issue”.

Examples included men “rating” women in the hall, regular groping, and dismissiveness and hostility when such behaviour was challenged. “I felt lucky that I escaped the worst. I wasn’t raped or assaulted. I just got used to being scared or uncomfortable all the time.”

“It seemed as if the reputation of the college mattered more to them than the comfort and safety of their students,” Anne told Critic.

“I shouldn’t feel lucky,” she said.

‘Upsetting’ Handling of Sexual Violence by College Leadership 2016 also saw Alexis* and a group of other girls go to the Deputy Master with complaints about a serial sexual harasser.

A Tradition of Sexism Numerous traditions at Knox appear to be key issues in producing such a culture at the hall. Many of them have been maintained by the Student Executive, a group comprised of second-year residents.

Current Master Graham Redding told Critic that survivors were given a range of options to help resolve the issue, but it was left to survivors themselves to make a decision on what action should be taken.

Practices include events where male residents tag women with lewd messages, the now-defunct weekly reading-out of residents’ sexual exploits, and the declaration of ‘student groups’—including a group for promiscuous female residents.

However, an RA said that residents rarely picked more significant actions for fear of “rocking the boat,” choosing mostly mediation or apology options.

One resident said men were encouraged to sleep with these women throughout the year.

An Otago spokesperson said that the university would not expect survivors to make determinations on more severe penalties such as exclusion.

Another tradition is the “dodgy as fuck” Date Night, where popular second-year boys selected attractive first-year girls to go on dates. A former resident said these men were “definitely trying to get girls drunk to get them back to their rooms”. Another resident echoed this, and added, “It's pretty much a vehicle for the second year guys to have power over the freshers.”

Resident Felt Silenced Through Two Sexual Assaults Knox resident Talia* was sexually assaulted in both 2015 and 2016. Following an incident in 2015 where another resident entered her room and attempted to have sex with her, Talia was dissuaded from reporting the incident by other residents.

News.

Master Graham Redding said steps had been taken to curb sexually predatory behaviour at date night events.

end as they’re derogatory for everyone involved” but are just backed by students because of ‘tradition’.

End-of-year awards were also raised as an issue. Several awards have been historically given out, including the “Knox Bike” awards, given to the male and female residents who have had the most sex throughout the year.

“Things can change and that can be really good,” she concluded.

Although Redding said the Knox Bike awards are being reviewed, they are still awarded at the end-of-year event.

If you require support following a sexual assault, a number of services are available:

Former residents said these sexist traditions created a sense of entitlement among male students that was mostly ignored by college management.

*Names changed.

College Leadership Working Toward Change, but Students Want More Eight years ago, in 2011, Knox College underwent a review by the Presbyterian Church and the University of Otago, triggering a comprehensive “process of cultural change”. Since beginning as Master at Knox, Redding said that he was continuing these changes in a “collaborative and incremental” way, rather than imposing a “stricter regime” that could strengthen the harmful behaviour. Knox RAs now undergo ten days of training, and earlier this year, returning Knox residents took part in a bystander workshop. Some former residents still expressed concern, however. One commented that “it would be good if the Master and Deputy Master were a bit more informed. There are things that they don’t know.”

Call 111 in an emergency. More information can be found in the VUWSA offices and website.

2017 resident Lizzy* said she would “like to see disgusting traditions

DYLAN HORROCKS GETS NEW JOB EMMA MAGUIRE He sees combining teaching and research with his own creative work as “basically [his] dream job.”

Highly-acclaimed graphic novelist Dylan Horrocks has accepted a position at Victoria University in 2019, acting as a senior lecturer for the COMD 211 (Drawing) paper at Te Aro campus.

More people are studying comics, publishing them, and creating them all around the world.

Having worked as a cartoonist and graphic novelist for over thirty years, Horrocks is well-known for his works Hicksville and Sam Zabel and the Magic Pen, as well as work on the Batgirl comics line.

Horrocks sees the New Zealand comics world going through an evolution, and wants to become part of that change.

During his time as a Writer in Residence at Victoria's International Institute of Modern Letters, the idea of a more permanent position at Victoria became appealing.

“Helping coach new comics creators; introducing people to the history and diverse landscape of comics in New Zealand and globally; encouraging research into the form, its history and theory—all of this is what made me want to do this job.”

He told Salient, “I found myself falling in love with the university. Everyone I met—students, teachers, admin staff, technicians—was fascinating and inspiring, whatever their department or research area or role.”

He hopes to help emerging New Zealand artists learn about their predecessors, and establish a Kiwi presence within the wider comics world.

ISSUE 6

VUWSA CANDIDATE PROFILES MARCH 2019

SALIENT

ENGAGEMENT VICE PRESIDENT CANDIDATES

MATT CASEY & JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER CW: Sexual Violence, Mental Illness Salient has been a bit slack when it comes to covering student body elections. In the spirit of democracy and student engagement, we decided to bring you, the people, profiles of candidates for the VUWSA by-election. Matt Casey, star of the Young Matt Show on Salient FM, interviewed the candidates for his show. This is now available on Spotify Podcasts and iTunes. We’ve only covered some of the key points here, so check out the full interviews. Two positions are up for grabs: the Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer (WSO) and Engagement Vice President (EVP). Voting is open now, online and on campus, and closes at 11 a.m. on April 10. This is just a quick and dirty breakdown of what was said in a series of insightful and exciting interviews. Some stuff has been left out, and other points condensed. With that in mind (and as a general life tip), read these interviews critically. What do you want to see in the roles? What are big issues you can see at VUW? Do any of the candidates address them? What are the unique selling points for each candidate? Get stuck in, and remember: we are all life-long learners. Results come out at the VUWSA IGM this Wednesday.

INTERVIEW QUESTIONS 1. What qualifies you for the role?

Katie Berriman

Te Puawai O Te Atua Waller

1) Katie pointed out her background in netball, and long history with Young Labour (on and off campus). As an example of her commitment to engaging students in politics, she brought up her involvement with the establishment and running of a Victoria Arts Society.

1) Though reluctant to talk herself up, Puawai did admit she’s been in places of leadership and on various governance boards for a long time. She concluded on the issue that her ultimate achievement is that “I just care”.

2) With Re-Oweek coming up, Katie wants to make sure events and services are ones students actually want and are interested in. She is also keen to promote engagement with the upcoming local body elections, and to revitalise Thursdays in Black. More broadly, she wants events in future to be safe and diverse, accommodating as many groups as possible. 3) Although she acknowledged it was a cliché, Katie feels she is an open and approachable person, with a good response time. She also said she knows what people want, and can listen to a range of people in making decisions, as well as engaging students in the process.

2. What would your goals be for in the role? 3. Why are you the best suited of all the candidates for the role?

2) Puawai believes that because the role affects so many people, you have to be able to stand on your morals to do the job effectively. The biggest specific focus for her is that a lot of minority views aren’t being heard: “If I can break that barrier, I can crack engagement on a higher level.” 3) Most important to Puawai is the necessity of being capable and able to “thrive” outside your comfort zone. Similarly, the need to be open to people, dedicated to the role, and having a depth of understanding. Although she said “we each have something to offer to this role”, she said she could bring a new perspective to the role, coming from a Māori background. She concluded that, during her time as interim officer, she was always committed to finding solutions to problems.

News.

WELLBEING AND SUSTAINABILITY OFFICER CANDIDATES

Kimberly Mcintyre

Michael Turnbell

1) One of the key points Kimberly brought up was her experience as the interim WSO. This included planning Sex Week 2019, proposing a standalone VUWSA sustainability policy, attending the mental health wānanga, and helping to organise the School Climate Strike. Last year, before running for the position, she had taken part in the March on Midland, and the Wait is Over campaign.

1) Michael spearheaded his high school’s mission outreach portfolio, which involved collaboration with community groups and other schools on important projects. However, the most important part of this for him was the development of his “community over everything” mantra.

2) Kimberly outlined a number of goals, but had a particular focus on developing Sex Week. She illustrated this through a discussion on Sex in the Hub 2018, where feedback helped the 2019 event to become more accessible. 3) As well as being passionate and dedicated to the role, Kimberly outlined how important she thought it was to balance the two aspects of the role. To her, wellbeing is an area with a lot of overlap with other roles in the exec, but WSO is the only role with an explicit sustainability focus.

2) Michael outlined three clear goals for the role: He wants to develop mental health support targeted specifically at men (“the lads”). He’s also keen to expand Thursdays in Black, describing it as “an absolutely worthy cause”. The third key focus for him was promoting sustainable food initiatives. He believes underutilised resources like community food gardens and the VUWSA food bank can be good tools to promote better student wellbeing. 3) Michael believes he has the creativity, ingenuity, and drive to work effectively on the role, all developed by his background with community and charity groups.

Sophie Lee 1) Sophie described her passion for sustainability in her everyday life and in a lot of the work she’s done. Not only is she a vocal advocate of beeswax wrap, she also marched in the School Climate Strike. She thinks social media can be a key tool to engage students, and hopes to use her background in it to great effect. 2) Sophie noted that wellbeing is a highly personal and subjective experience for people. As such, she wants to be able to reach out more effectively to the student community to find out what’s needed. She also wants to make wellbeing and sustainability easier for people to deal with at uni. 3) Passion and drive were a central point of Sophie’s answer. However, she also pointed out her keenness to consult with students directly. One of the most important things for her is being able to have at least a small positive impact on students’ lives.

ISSUE 3

SALIENT

HALLS CONTINUE TO SERVE SUB-PAR FOOD KII SMALL In 2018, it was revealed that Boulcott Hall were serving undercooked chicken to residents that was “bloody and red”. Now, its neighbour up the road is serving pasta with a side of maggots. Katharine Jermyn Hall residents received more than they bargained for when they were served “weird shit” at dinner last month. In March, a photograph emerged on Instagram of a maggot on a piece of pasta. Another night, approximately four weeks ago, a resident found feathers on their plate from a chicken which hadn’t been properly processed. Salient was contacted by two residents and a handful of first-year students about KJ Hall's catering service. Two photos were sent in anonymously by residents over the last few weeks, worried about the quality of food in their hall since the start of the year. When asked if they had been worried about the food in halls prior, an anonymous student replied, “Admittedly I had heard good things about the food at Boulcott [...] upon moving in I heard stories of uncooked chicken, which made me a little uneasy.”

KJ residents pay $392 a week to be housed and fed at the hall. When asked about the incident, the university Comms team responded, “The University is aware of this issue. The photographs in question were taken three weeks ago, and the University quickly acted to address the situation with the catering contractor, and to communicate with residents, and parents and whānau.” “Student and Campus Living has made its expectations clear to the catering contractor and is working closely with the catering contractor to ensure that offerings to residents meet expected quality, and health and safety standards.” “We are strongly encouraging all residents to provide immediate feedback to hall staff at any time and are committed to acting on any issues raised.” The VUW spokesperson clarified that all their halls of residence use catering contractors.

Chicken Feathers. Katharine Jermyn Hall, Wellington.

News.

LOOKING AT STUDENT SAFETY IN BLIND DATE COLUMNS EMMA HOUPT CW: Sexual Assault, Sexism, Ableism “Blind date” columns have become a staple of student magazines in New Zealand. These columns involve two students going on a blind date (with food and drinks supplied by the respective magazine), writing about the experience afterwards. Following an alleged sexual assault related to a blind date in 2016, Salient investigated what student magazines are doing to keep their participants safe. In 2017, Salient reported on an alleged sexual assault which happened on a blind date for University of Otago student magazine Critic Te Arohi’s “Love is Blind” column the previous year. The column, now known as “Critic Blind Date”, involves two participants going on a blind date together. The participants each write entries about their experience of the date, and both entries are published in the magazine.

The measures include sending out an email to participants which covers guidelines around consensual sex, and who to contact if they feel uncomfortable. University of Waikato student magazine Nexus also decided to continue their blind date column after being informed about the 2016 sexual assault allegations. Nexus safety processes involve letting participants know there is no expectation of sexual contact, providing contact details of the magazine editor for students to contact if they have any concerns, working proactively with the staff at the date venue, and organising a safe ride home for participants if needed. Both Critic and Nexus have said they place limitations on how many drinks participants can consume on the date.

Blind Date participant Monique told Salient she was sexually violated by her date Nathan* when they returned to his flat the evening of the date in 2016.

“The guidelines should focus on educating people on how to treat their date well, and put emphasis on how important consent is,”

Monique’s column stated that both she and Nathan had consumed two bottles of wine throughout the night, becoming inebriated.

— Fiona McNamara. General Manager at Sexual Abuse Prevention Network.

The incident was investigated by police after Monique laid a complaint on 29 July 2016. However, after both participants were formally interviewed, police did not find enough evidence to prosecute Nathan. Since the alleged sexual assault, Critic has continued the Blind Date column. Critic Editor Charlie O’Mannin says they continued their column this year because it is “wildly popular” with students. Fiona McNamara, General Manager at Sexual Abuse Prevention Network, believes that to ensure students’ safety on these blind dates, university publications need to set up guidelines that focus on respect and consent. “The guidelines should focus on educating people on how to treat their date well, and put emphasis on how important consent is,” said McNamara. Critic has put certain safety measures in place to ensure students know what to do if they feel at risk on the date.

Massey University student magazine Massive launched their own blind date column this year. Massive Editor Laura Macdonald told Salient they made the decision to introduce the column after seeing how popular it was among students from other universities. “Since it was such a hit in the other magazines, I thought that it might boost Massive’s popularity with the student body,” said Macdonald.

Massive confirmed with Salient they have put specific safety measures in place to prioritise student welfare. “We have a five-page hazard plan, a health and safety document/ behavioural contract, as well as making sure the [restaurant] staff are aware that it is a blind date,” said Macdonald. *Name changed.

If you require support regarding sexual violence or assault, a number of services are availiable. For information on mental health and sexual harm support services, see page 7. Some contacts are below Student Interest and Conflict Resolution Manager, Emma Mossman: 04 463 5023 VUWSA Advocate, Erica Schouten: 04 463 6984 Safe to Talk: 0800 044 334 or text 4334 Wellington Rape Crisis: 04 801 8973 Call 111 in an emergency

ISSUE 6

SALIENT

PROBING THE PUNTERS GETTING TO KNOW THE UNIVERSITY POPULATION

What is your favourite part of Sex in the Hub this week?

Worst meal you’ve ever had?

What is the biggest environmental issue for you?

What do you think people get wrong about environmentalism?

Will you be voting in the upcoming VUWSA by-elections?

MATTHEW, 22, BA

JIMMY, 26, STAFF

1. How long it is. 2.Fracking.

1. Earring stall, and then the Hungry Monkey food truck. 2. People chucking rubbish.

3. That green parties are about more than just environmentalism.

3. Mostly people are ignorant about it, it’s about what people don’t know.

4. Anything with cucumber in it.

4. Ordered loaded fries for $10 and they gave me curry fries instead.

5. Yes.

5. I’m not sure.

PETRA, 21, BA

LEX (LEFT), 20, BA

1. Rainbow stickers.

1. Drawings by Jean.

2. Single-use plastic.

2. Recycling and reusability.

3. People assume it’s very basic or that it’s only about a few minor issues.

3. Making assumptions about what can and can’t go in the compost.

4. Broccoli soup the first time I introduced an ex-boyfriend to my family.

4. Unknowingly eating horse meat in Japan when I was 12.

5. Yes, but I need to get educated.

5. Yes!

JACK DANIELS, 31 BUT EMOTIONALLY 7

HAYLEY, 20, BCOM 1. "Riptide" on ukulele.

1. Haven’t visited yet.

2. I can’t comprehend the question, I’ve been studying for too long.

2. Empty pockets.

3. See above.

3. Gets politicised the wrong way.

4. An attempt at a chilli con carne at Cumbie. 5. Yes.

4. McDonald’s. 5. Hell no.

News.

THE PARTY LINE The Party Line asks political parties’ youth wings a question every week. We publish their responses unaltered. What are you doing at VUW to engage students on important environmental issues? Greens@Vic

VicLabour

Young New Zealand First

VicNats

Greens@Vic are campaigning hard this year for real tangible action on climate change, along with a not just adequate, but ambitious, Zero Carbon Act to ensure that the government takes this crisis seriously with the urgency it demands. We’re excited about local body elections: students are already passionate about public transport, & we need accessible public transport that actually works if we’re gonna start reducing our massive transport emissions. We’re also looking forward to participating in events like Sustainability Week, getting Green politicians on campus to engage with students, & working with other groups to better Victoria’s environmental impact.

Labour is built on values. We care about kaitiakitanga. VicLabour has a strong history in supporting the most effective campaigns to mitigate climate change. At uni level - you can catch our volunteers engaging all over the place! We help out at various events with waste management but still making sure we focus on the large issues. As well as lobbying at local and central government level, recently - we've supported the Zero Carbon Act campaign and the School Strike 4 Climate. Climate change is an emergency. Let's do everything we can to stop it.

Young New Zealand First stands behind its’ comments made within the Party Line in Salient’s Issue 01. We understand that it is important to engage with both students and faculty to ensure that we’re making the grass-root steps towards greater environmental practice - particularly within our day to day lives. Our membership, with schedules that are just as frantic as other youth wings; opt to reduce our disposable coffee cup usage by replacing these cups with glass pitchers, particularly filled with a refreshing drop of lager. We believe that by doing so, we’re doing better for the environment, and encourage you to do so as well.

In February the National Party was proud to release its environmental policy discussion document. Throughout clubs week it was awesome to discuss the proposals and questions within it and other environmental issues with everyone who came to say hello. In addition to this, the Young Nats are in the process of developing our own environment policy document and later on in the year we will be hosting a policy forum focused on environmental policy for our members to attend and express their views. I encourage everybody to have a look at our discussion documents and let us know your thoughts! - Grahame Woods

EYE ON THE EXEC JOHNNY O'HAGAN BREBNER Two ‘Eye on the Exec’s in a row? What a lucky life you lead. VUWSA’s March 28 executive meeting was full of big news—some concerning, but also plenty of exciting stuff. Mental Health Wānanga President Tamatha Paul started off with a recap of the recent mental health wānanga at Tapu Te Ranga Marae. Tam expressed her optimism for the kaupapa. Campus rep groups and activists from last year’s The Wait is Over campaign were invited to discuss mental health at VUW. This included discussions with mental health stalwarts Mary O’Hagan, Ezekiel Raui, and Kassie Hartendorp. A full report will be published soon. Lecture Recordings Tam’s report continued with a recap of a recent Academic Faculty Board (AFB) meeting. The meeting focussed on the university's response to the Mosque Terror Attacks, which included compulsory recording of lectures for the week immediately after. Education Officer Rinaldo Strydom is continuing the push for compulsory lecture recordings. Big Problems with Marking and Reporting Another big problem discussed was the shortening of the Trimester 1 exam period (down from about three weeks in 2018, to two weeks)

and of the marking period (down to three days). The shorter exam period raised concerns about the density of assessments for students. The shorter marking period was more concerning, described as an “impossible deadline”. Academics are reportedly “terrified”. Concerningly, the AFB proposed that academic progress reports should be made optional. These reports help faculties identify struggling students, and develop support strategies for them. It was suggested that this would put a huge amount of pressure on VUWSA to support these students instead. Academics are reportedly not keen on the idea either. Sex in the Hub On a more positive note, there was a discussion of last week’s Sex Week event. The 2019 event has been developed a lot from 2018, with attempts made to make it more accessible, and to have events at all three campuses. The Te Aro and Pipitea “satellite” events were also part of ongoing work from VUWSA to improve their presence and relationship with the non-Kelburn campuses. Welfare Vice-President Rhianna Morar also declared her satisfaction that a number of community organisations have put their support behind the event. These groups include VUW, Wellington City Council, and Massey’s Wellington campus (which had a pilot Sex Week as well).

THE P E O P L E WA N T M O RE

“It’s just an example of Marxist bias against right wing thinkers in this country,” Deymour told Salient. Salient understands that VUW may carry the appeal just to get Deymour to “stop fucking talking”.

SALIENT DEFAMES MICHAEL LAWS L IAM P OW E L L

Our frenemies at Critic are currently in a spot of legal hot water. Professional baby boomer Michael Laws is considering suing the magazine and the Otago University Students’ Association for defamation, after they published something to do with elephants. Not to be outdone, the libellous hacks here at Salient have put together a comprehensive list of malicious lies you can spread about everyone’s least favourite local body politician! • • • •

VUW STUDENT APPEALING FAIL GRADE AFTER FORGETTING TO GO TO EXAM

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M IKE M O O RE

• •

Local politics student, Savid Deymour, has publicly declared his desire to contest a fail grade after he forgot to attend the assessment.

•

The assessment on April 2 required a credible attempt to pass. Passing in itself was a terms requirement.

•

On that basis, Deymour’s complete failure to even enter the room in which the test was being held constituted a fail.

• • •

The test for the 100-level politics course was reportedly on the basics of Parliamentary procedure. Another student in the course, Ghalriz Gohraman, told Salient that it was one of the easiest assessments in the course.

• • •

Gohraman, who also studies human rights law at VUW, added that the date and time of the assessment was made clear weeks in advance in a lecture Deymour attended.

•

“I know because he always sits by himself in the front seats trying to challenge the lecturer every thirty seconds.”

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Deymour apparently missed the test as he was too busy telling all his mates how he was “going to absolutely nail” the assessment, outside the room in which it was to take place.

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“I mean he was literally standing right outside as we were going in,” said Gohraman.

• • •

Angered that he was unable to follow clearly defined rules, Deymour is attempting to not only appeal the F grade, but to have it upgraded to an A+.

Michael Laws puts milk in his bowl before his cereal. Michael Laws overstates his height on his Tinder profile. Michael Laws is in fact a Chinese Communist spy. Michael Laws has a negative feedback rating on Trade Me. Michael Laws is a member of Black Power. Michael Laws bit a baby he was supposed to kiss during an election rally. Michael Laws does not own a KeepCup™. Michael Laws had an extramarital affair with Winston Peters. Michael Laws is actually a family of possums in a trench coat. Michael Laws secretly supports the Wallabies because he likes the colour of their jerseys. Michael Laws enjoys seal clubbing. Michael Laws streams Fortnite videos. Michael Laws was only ever elected because of Russian electoral interference. Michael Laws killed Paddles the cat. Michael Laws eats bananas with the skin on. Michael Laws is not the Zodiac killer, but attempted to frame Ted Cruz anyway. Michael Laws is on the keto diet, and won’t stop talking about it. Michael Laws is set to drop a collab track with Max Key. Michael Laws stands at the middle urinal and leaves his pants around his ankles while trying to talk to the man next to him. Michael Laws attempted to bribe Zealandia staff so he could enjoy the juicy taste of deep-fried tuatara. Michael Laws is in fact a Dark Lord of the Sith and is plotting to overthrow the Otago Regional Council with an army of cloned Temuera Morrisons. Michael Laws bums cigarettes on the Siglo balcony. Michael laws has his own line of boutique sex toys. Michael Laws was the guy who gave Grant Guildford the idea for the VUW name change.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK “Been a while since I’ve been in Auckland, but crazy to learn that pretending adults look normal on scooters is just something we do now.” - @ManWithDesk

“Can anybody tell me why the FUCK this mcdonalds is playing the twin peaks theme right now” - @stuartfdrake

“For $500k they would rename Victoria University after you and you’d get free IPA at the hunter lounge for life” - @JeromeChandra

DOGS, DON KE Y S, A ND D Y STOP I C THI NKI NG F R OM TH E W OR ST WEBSI TE I N THE W OR L D COL L ATED BY EM M A M AGUIRE

@em_ma_maguire

“Do I like Jordan Peterson? No Do I think Whitcoulls refusing to stock represents a coherent ethical stance? No. Am I entertained by his fans tantrums? Endlessly” - @RupertBBare

“what if Instagram just never came back how much freer would we all be” - @samlansky

“How old were you when you learnt 'J.K. Rowling' stands for 'John Kirwan Rowling' I was today years old” - @JeromeChandra

“trans person: *is being oppressed*. Donkey Kong jolting awake at 3am while drenched in sweat: something is wrong.” - @qthzl

“Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: Ok, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?” - @HelloCullen “conan o'brien looks exactly like the little girl from mary poppins and it's affecting how i watch mary poppins” - @BrotiGupta

“God: hey man just wanted to check in on Earth and see which of the many food I provided they like best. Angel: oh they’re real into bread. God: wait is that one of the plants. Angel: cheese too. God: sorry what.” - @ItsDanSheehan

“i tell myself i'd never buy a house but then i imagine a kitchen with really high countertops i could use comfortably and my brain kind of goes fuzzy and i sit there staring off into space for a few minutes” -@LaurenW902

“A man in traffic just pulled the fingers at me at 11.23am and in his other hand was an ice cream cone with a goodie goodie gumdrops single scoop. Now that’s the kiwi way of life.” - @tony_lyall

still has (and will always have) a valuable contribution to our existence as individuals and as a society.

A lecturer once said to the students in my course that “you don’t have to be feeling the grass” in order to start caring about the environment. I think what they were implying was that you don’t have to be free-spirited, bush-oriented, or embody the life of a ‘hippie’ in order to start caring about the places we live in. You just need to be aware of what’s real and what’s important and essentially, you need to know what you feel connected to.

Whether it’s having an environmental connection where protecting the world’s resources is important, a cultural connection where the environment is the key to your livelihood, or an emotional connection where we feel a sense of release and rejuvenation—whatever the nature of the relationship, Mother Earth offers a lot when we least realise. Perhaps we are still yet to discover the essence of what it’s all worth.

Sure, we have access to heaps of exciting and entertaining avenues in the capital: retail stores, museums, theatre shows, tiny cafés, restaurants, tattoo studios, bars, bowling clubs— it’s all here, with open arms, ready to deplete your StudyLink income.

If you’re anything like me, it’s the simple stuff that matters: Taking a hike up the local maunga, braving the waters of the moana, or taking in the view from somewhere serene. These often spontaneous acts of freedom give meaning and purpose to our lives.

But, e te whānau, with the ever-present brick wall of mental health always seeking to add more challenges to our stressed, sleep-deprived lives, sometimes what we need is a simple escape. We all crave a break from the concrete jungle; the smell of familiar fumes and the sight of cold slabs can often cloud the head.

Nō reira, e hoa mā, let us go through some easy, breezy spaces and places where you can get a dose of nature and its many tāonga, because as much as our generation seems to be stuck within the universe of fast-typing and double-clicking, there are still those who choose to gain their satisfaction elsewhere—or in other words, out there.

Indigenous or non-indigenous, land or sea—this humongous sphere of a globe we’ve overtaken, and pretty much trashed,

Mount Street Cemetery—This spot may contain more than 320 tombstones, but it is a space full of potential and calming wairua. Trees, grass, and a view overlooking the city. The convenient location of the cemetery makes it a popular destination for students and staff to escape the concrete jungle. Take your mates, take a seat in the shrub, and chat away, surrounded by the best company (if you know what I mean). The unconventional surroundings may be odd at first, but soon enough, the historical and spiritual mood of the space will ease the mind, for sure.

Te Herenga Waka Marae—Nau mai haere mai, Harakeke bushes, kawakawa plants, and the sweet symphony of the tūī bird ringing throughout. Here’s a space that provides all the goods when it comes to finding somewhere stress-free and textbook-empty. Plus, if another big earthshaker ever hits Wellington, you can count on this wāhi to keep you covered. Lie back and do some cloud-watching, get your yoga poses out, or have a tītiro at the beaming whare with its array of whakairo woven across the panels. The doors are always open, and trust me, you don’t have to be Māori to take it all in.

The ‘Botans’—Here is a majestic home of flowers and picnic blankets of candescent green. Let your eyes scan some of the small parts of Papatūānuku, sprinkled with latent paths and fortuitous park benches. This hideaway steps away from the frenzy of scrunched-up paper and expensive fine-tip pens, and takes you to a place which feeds the student desire to ‘go walk-about’. Stray a couple minutes or stray a while—it’s up to you. There’s plenty of space to cover as the generous 25 ha of native plant life gives you the time to make it through a playlist or two without feeling like you’ve got people to see and things to do.

Midland Park—Midland Park is a place you don’t want to miss. Tucked in the middle of a courtyard, shielded by the outstretched arms of swaying trees, it’s easy to forget about the swarm of sleek suites and tilting coffee mugs you dodged to get there. Each park bench is accompanied by its own humble panel of shade, and maybe a pigeon or two. With the subtle humming of café music planted in the background, Midland does wonders by providing an easy escape in close proximity to the station and bus terminals (for when it's time to return to lectures and life quotes on your laptop).

Parliament ‘Beehive’ lawn—It’s a place of big decisions and even bigger stone sculptures. The banana, the mushroom, and possibly what looks like a carrot are just an intro to what can be found here. A sea of lush green and lofty trees set the tone for a much-needed chill session. With well-maintained lawns and eye-catching historical buildings, the Beehive lawn makes you want to roll amongst it. Pack a picnic, take a stroll—nothing seems limitless here. It’s a generous taste of natural surroundings within the hecticness of the city. The only big decisions you’ll have to make is when to leave.

Te Aro campus ‘Cobblestone Park’—Artists, thinkers, creators. Te Aro campus has them all, and Cobblestone Park is undoubtedly the central hangout. Cobblestone Park is a laid-back and lively cocoon within the city’s hustle and bustle. Kai and catch-ups with friends is ideal here, as shops and stores are all within close proximity. Find your place on the fresh grass, chuck the earpods on, flick through a couple pages of your next good read and soak up what little sun Te Whanganui-a-Tara has to offer.

Glover Park—Let this space give you that quick fix of the outdoors we all crave, e hoa mā. Here, you can chill in the somewhat serene environment off of Ghuznee Street. The energy and life of the place certainly uplifts your āhua. There’s always going to be something worth seeing down here at Glover Park, and you can always stroll down to the buses nearby when you need. But let this space medicate your fatigue and all the procrastinationbased regrets. All you need to do is just simply sit and rest in the carefree atmosphere.

Friends, whānau, and fellow students all over—keep your friends close and the environment closer, because there is an abundance of greenery within our city well worth the effort of finding. There are also numerous tracks and pathways carved throughout Kelburn and the uni, which offer the best remedy for any scrapes to our overall hauora that we may have collected through the year so far. Take the chance to detach from the worries and perplexities that come from trying to navigate the windy path of student life. Try your luck at one or more of these useful wāhi. I think we’ve all discovered by now that it’s a hard life out there. Nō reira, stay focused, stay hungry, and keep up the tireless mahi.

On November 8, 2018, the government banned oil exploration in Taranaki, spelling the end for the oil and gas industry in the region as we know it. The writing has been on the wall for a while; our joint love of oil and dairy simply isn’t reconcilable with sustainability and a government that is determined to be held accountable for reducing carbon emissions. The Taranaki question has been asked, and the answer will not be kind. However little knowledge we may have of oil and gas exploration, everyone knows there is a very defined ‘end-game’ to our love of non-renewable sources of energy. Rashid bin Saeed Al Maktoum, an original Saudi Arabian oil sheikh, ominously said: “My grandfather rode a camel, my father rode a camel, I drive a Mercedes, my son drives a Land Rover, his son will drive a Land Rover, but his son will ride a camel.” His words travelled across continents and oceans to reach the green expanses of Taranaki, where the blue sea holds onto a black gold that, for years now, has powered our region’s economy, along with dairy farming. Banning oil exploration permits could cost the country close to $8 billion, and Taranaki as a region $3 million a week. But it forms part of the government’s goal to have zero carbon emissions by 2020.

This is despite a lack of similar measures placed on the coal industry, or any strategies undertaken to deal with draining hydroelectricity lake levels. A predictable furore ensued following the announcement. Oil and gas companies threatened to sue the government for breach of procedure over lost contracts, and National MPs took that opportunity to suggest that “in ten years’ time we will be buying imported gas to fire up the barbecue.” They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and National got us there, right in the heartstrings. Suddenly—right here, right now, we are having our camel moment. Very soon, we will not be able to power our big, oversized Ford Rangers and Mitsubishi Tritons. Very soon, the flash new Novotel won’t have rich American oil executives passing through its polished glass doors. The Taranaki question has been asked. But we can’t play the victim here. We’ve seen this before. Despite Taranaki’s rich, free-draining volcanic soil, dairy had a huge environmental impact, especially the big, beautiful, methaneproducing Friesian cows. It had an equally large economic impact as well, contributing 11% of the region’s economy, which amounts to nearly $1 billion a year. At some point, we had to put a price on sustainability—a price obviously beyond the value of dairy.

THE TARANAKI QUESTION We saw this coming, though, and many of us are switching to chicken farming and crop farming. A few are picking up hemp, that oft-misunderstood cousin of the devil’s lettuce, marijuana. While it’s nothing like the heady days of the dairy boom of 2008, we can still get fat off the fat of the land, the way they wanted to in Of Mice and Men. If we can grow heaps of grass, we can grow heaps of other things. So what is biting us about letting go of oil and gas? Large-scale dairy has to stop; consumption of fossil fuels has to stop. Why make such a fuss? To understand this, and to understand why Taranaki has voted right (and will vote right for the foreseeable future), you need to understand why we still celebrate American cars every year with Confederate flags. And why our ex-mayor was famously spat on and called a “nigger lover” in public. And why some of our district councillors feel ashamed to sing the Māori part of the national anthem. And to understand why our Māori unemployment rate is the second highest in the country, you have to understand the intoxicating allure of dairy and oil and gas.

But it didn’t. The settlers were let off the hook. The Taranaki question was asked, and somehow the settlers came up with an answer. Titokuwaru mysteriously disappeared into the bush and converted to pacifism under the vision of Te Whiti and Tohu Kākahi at Parihaka while his army disbanded. The British escaped by the skin of their teeth. They never forgot though, and there are red coat uniforms still proudly hung in the Taranaki Cathedral Church of St Mary, alongside plaques to the “brave men who fought against the Māori savages”. The settlers never forgot how they went from the frying pan of England to the fire of death and loss of land in Taranaki. They confiscated land from Māori—rich land, land never to be seen again, terraformed constantly by intensive farming operations. They had it now, they wouldn’t give it up so easily again. Not when it was making money; money beyond the wildest dreams of their ancestors. But it takes money to make money. Big profit dairy is best done on a big scale. You need lots of land to rotate your cattle over, because cows are hard on the land. They eat lots and poo lots and tear the nutrients from the soil. So you need a big loan to set up your farm. A bank loan, often in the millions, and you have to work hard, bloody hard, and you better pray it all works out. For a while there it did, and the streets were paved with white gold. For our farmers, it paid off, big-time.

You see, Taranaki was never rich. We didn’t have old money, established money the likes of the big cities. We didn’t have the proximity to the major urban centres that powered the growth of the Waikato/Bay of Plenty/Auckland alliance. No, we were "THE BUBBLE HAD TO BURST AT colonial Irish, Scottish, and English farmers SOME POINT. THE MARKET IS who came over from England with barely A FICKLE BEAST, AND LARGE a cent to their name and struck gold when SCALE DAIRYING IS NOT SO they first stepped foot onto the volcanic soil EASILY RECONCILED WITH of Taranaki. ORGANICS AND SUSTAINABLE

PRACTICES.“

It didn’t matter that these farmers were trapped under the colonising boot of the British for so long in the United Kingdom—here, they could be the colonisers, and trample over the sovereignty of Taranaki. The potato famines and highland massacres were easily forgotten once they saw this region—a region so lush with vegetation, one surveyor was moved to call it ‘the garden of the pacific’. However, there were also several hapū who already knew how well their land grew things. Peaceful measures failed, but tangata whenua were determined not to give up their land without a fight.

And fight they did. Titokuwaru, arguably New Zealand’s greatest general, almost completely expelled the settlers from Taranaki. An army numbering 1000 was assembled on the slopes of Mt Taranaki, drawn from hapū of various affiliations across Taranaki and Whanganui–King Country. He cut a swathe from Tataraimaka (just south of New Plymouth) to Waitōtara (just north of Whanganui), where he came within striking distance of the river city. For context: at the same time, the Kīngitanga movement in Waikato, under the leadership of Tūkāroto Pōtatau Matutaera Te Wherowhero Tāwhiao, had assembled warriors from hapū all across the King Country, and drawn a firm aukati (boundary) at the Mangatāwhiri stream near Mercer, over which settler passage was punishable by death. Job 38:11; here you shall come, but no further. Put colloquially—it was about to hit the fan.

Financial emancipation comes in many forms but few Māori in Taranaki have ever been able to fully achieve it. Bereft of land, and forever on the back foot from land confiscations and the long-reaching tendrils of colonialism, there were few who could dream of having the capital to be able to set up a dairy operation. So the healthy economy in Taranaki belonged to Pākehā.

In 2014, this Pākehā economy didn’t take too kindly to the prospect of dedicated Māori consultation through Māori wards. These were meant to increase Māori participation and iwi decision making in District Council decisions, as per obligations under the Treaty of Waitangi. Hence “nigger lover”, hence the spit. Look it up. And what better way to celebrate oil and gas than with big, gas-guzzling cars grumbling through the streets of Taranaki with Confederate flags on their bonnets, at Americarna every year? We were getting rich— who could stop us? But the bubble had to burst at some point. The market is a fickle beast, and large-scale dairying is not so easily reconciled with organics and sustainable practices. And huge tracts of land financed by equally huge bank loans doesn’t work—at all—with a capital gains tax. So to now have an end to oil exploration? It was all too much. This is why the oil and gas ban is a hard pill for Taranaki swallow. This is why we protest so loudly in the face of overwhelming environmental evidence to the contrary. This is why National has

CKW such a firm grip on our heartstrings. We did so much as a region to get where we are—from near ruin to almost triumph—to see it all whisked away from us. Sure, not all of what we did was ethical, and may be founded on perpetual land leases with very questionable legal foundations. And our race relations may be awful, but… We did it... Right?

Taranaki won’t go down without a fight. Over the next 18–36 months, there will be a predictable flurry of activity, with an extra 20 wells likely to be drilled onshore and offshore as companies make snap decisions whether to ‘drill or drop’ permits. You can bet Taranaki will continue to vote right, and you can bet that the Confederate flag will continue to fly.

Remember what I said about our Māori unemployment rate being the second highest? The first is Northland. We are not Northland. For so long, it felt like our modus operandi was ‘yes, we’re an isolated region, but we aren’t Northland’. Or Gisborne. Or any of the other regions oft-maligned for social issues. And there’s a grain of truth in that. But you don’t pass through Taranaki. You go there for a reason, and that reason has always been either dairy, or oil and gas. Two cash cows leading the way into an unsustainable future—but a future nonetheless. We weren’t as impoverished as the far North, or Gisborne, but we may be soon.

So, the Taranaki question has been asked again: What will become of the region? Well, under the government’s promise to revitalise the regions, $26 million has been pledged to develop Taranaki as compensation. It is obviously a paltry sum compared to oil and gas. Perhaps worse, though, is their planned use of the money: restoring some tracks on the mountain and rebuilding St Mary’s.

Time is running out before the zero-emissions pledge of 2020 really starts to bite. A ban on oil and gas exploration permits is obviously not enough, and who knows what a Green Party coalition will put on the table this election year. All I know is it won’t be pretty for Taranaki—rather, Taranaki as we know it. 59 years since the discovery of the Kapuni gas field off the South Taranaki bight, things may come to an abrupt end.

Is that the best answer we could come up with? Perhaps the Taranaki question and its answer need a major shift. Rather than “what will become of our hard work, maybe we should be asking, “How will we openly recognise the damage done by Pākehā in the Land Wars?” Nothing has been set aside for exhibitions or memorials or tourism set up around the Land Wars, to finally give tangata whenua the recognition they deserve and recognise the mana of the proud men, women, and children who died trying to hold on to what was rightfully theirs. Nothing has been allocated to deal with the continuing injustice of perpetual land leases in Waitara. Nothing is planned to truly and fully recognise the sea change that the Parihaka movement brought about for Māoridom. Nor anything to combat a Māori unemployment rate of 11.3%. Hei aha, what nonsense. Their answer would be laughable if it wasn’t so completely miserable.

Zac Sutton, Dad's Peace, Watercolour and G

Gouache on Rag Paper, 29.7 x 42cm, 2019

Māui, Bottlenose, Hector's, Dusky: these are some of New Zealand’s nine species of dolphins. In New Zealand, we like to think we’re all clean and green; we set an example for the world to see. But the land of the long white cloud has its share of environmental issues—specifically, with conservation. A 2016 study by Professors Elisabeth Slooten and Stephen Michael Dawson, from the University of Otago, showed that there were only 10,000 Hector’s dolphins left in New Zealand’s waters. Their population has halved over the last 50 years. This is a heartbreaking statistic, as these are two of New Zealand’s nine species of dolphin. Sea Shepherd is a global, non-profit, marine wildlife conservation organisation that has dedicated the past 42 years to protecting wildlife around the globe. Sea Shepherd has launched a number of different campaigns around New Zealand—including, most famously, Operation Nemesis, which focussed on combatting whaling vessels around the Antarctic. I was able to get in touch with Grant Meikle, a volunteer at Sea Shepherd. Grant is currently the campaign leader for Operation Pahu, which monitors trawling practices in New Zealand waters to protect the nationally endangered Hector’s dolphin. Trawling is a method of fishing in which a vessel drags a net (the trawl) along the ocean floor to catch fish (think: the “Keep Swimming” scene in Finding Nemo). Grant told me about the devastating impact trawling has had on the dolphin population. Grant: In the last 40 years we’ve lost, on average, 800 Hector’s dolphins. There have been a number of governments over the years that have put protection in place. The problem is [the restrictions] are only up to waters that are up to 100 metres deep, so the dolphins are actually getting caught outside of the protection zones. What we are doing is patrolling those waters for illegal fishing and trawling activity. Finn: This obfuscating around the law seems to be the main way in which trawlers get away with not having to face the consequences of catching dolphins while fishing. You’re clearly passionate about this. Grant: Yeah, absolutely we are [passionate]. You don’t want to see the dolphins go extinct. At the moment there are a lot of conservation groups focussing on what’s happening in the North Island, but at the same time, we are having this silent slaughter in the South Island.

Finn: What other kinds of challenges do you come across on your average patrol? Grant: Timing, mostly. We get out whenever we can, if conditions allow, and we dock in on the weekends. Every now and then I’ll take a day off or half a day off and go head out, but people have got kids to look after, and other jobs, so you can’t spend all of your time at sea. Finn: When you’re out at sea, what does a typical patrol day look like for you? Grant: Well, our patrol vessel, The Loki, is weighted for 12 people, but I usually aim for around five or six. Sometimes, we’ll get trawlers—most recently, we got two. Most of them are bottom trawling for flounder and the net will be basically a metre off the bottom of the ocean floor. We can’t tell if they’re using a low headline or not; it’s impossible for us to tell if the net is in the water. Finn: And what do you do when you find someone like that, are there certain protocols to follow? Grant: When that happens, we go over, stop the trawler, and see what it’s doing. We then try not to interfere with what they’re doing. We’ll carry on to the nearest port and report it. Finn: Have there been times where handling a trawler hasn’t gone your way? Grant: Oh, of course. One evening we were out patrolling, probably around six o’clock, and we were going up through Taiaroa Head. We stopped to watch the seals swimming around the rocks, watching as they rolled over and flipped their flippers at us, they love putting on a show. There were blue penguins all around The Loki as well, and on the right, coming from the nesting boxes just below the albatross colony. We just stood there and watched. It was a beautiful evening, there was wildlife all around us. All of a sudden, here’s this trawler, going straight through the middle of it. We photographed him, and he took a photograph of us and posted it with the caption “look at this shit box that I saw at Taiaroa Head tonight”, and I just thought; sure what you’re doing is legal, but why would you disturb something like that? Finn: What was your immediate reaction after seeing that?

Finn: I had some understanding of the plight of the dolphins further south, but clearly not to the fullest extent. Grant: It’s not illegal if you catch a dolphin in a net outside of the protection area, it’s not their registered habitat; it’s not illegal to catch it but it’s illegal not to report it. One or two per cent of the dolphins that get caught get reported, probably because there’s a reporting service on board. Finn: Seems that’s yet another loophole for reckless fishermen to exploit. Surely there are things such as breeding programmes in place to combat that sort of thing? Grant: That’s the problem: the females only live for 20 years and they’ll have three or four calves throughout a life cycle. The other problem they have is that they are such curious animals, if they’re out and about and they see a net they’re going to swim towards it.

Grant: All I could think was ‘why?’. It was such a pristine area, and he was trawling the harbour, and I’ve seen the same boat do it twice. To me, it just showed how far apart [Sea Shepherd and local fishermen] are. It seemed that there was a real sense of disappointment when Grant told me this; he truly wished that the locals using the area to fish, and Sea Shepherd would aid each other, rather than being seemingly at each other’s throats. Talking with Grant opened my eyes to the widespread need for increased protection of our marine life, seeing how some areas are given more attention than others. Grant and the volunteers at Sea Shepherd go above and beyond to preserve New Zealand’s species, but the commercial fishing vessels continue to prey. We must do our part if we want to see creatures like the Hector’s dolphin stay in our waters. for a while. If you wish to get involved with Sea Shepherd, or learn more about their various operations around New Zealand, you can visit https://www.seashepherd.org.nz.

ALICE MANDER

Before leaving home to begin my first year as any Arts and Law student would—at Weir House—I was shit scared. It didn’t help that everyone kept telling me that everyone was in “the same boat”. Because, as I saw it, unless everyone else’s boat had holes in the sail, sharks circling with a particular thirst for disabled-person blood, and a sailor who can’t physically haul herself back into the boat when the boom inevitably knocks her off—then don’t fucking talk to me about boats. While having a disability doesn’t really change the firstyear experience, there are some things that people with disabilities have to worry about that others don’t. More, there aren’t any wikiHow pages for our situation. For a person who relies on someone to tell me exactly how to do things, this was difficult. So, I’ve decided to adapt the wikiHow page on surviving your first year at university with things that I learnt from my own mistakes as a disabled first-year student. HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR FIRST YEAR AT UNIVERSITY (WITH A DISABLED TWIST!) SOCIALISE FREQUENTLY

Socialising in your first year can involve drinking. This may not be your thing but, if it is, don’t let the inaccessibility of clubs in Wellington stop you. To help you out, I have compiled a handy (but non-exhaustive) accessibility review of night venues: “We love drunk disabled people” level of accessibility: Danger Danger - Dakota - The Establishment - Edison’s Superette - Siglo (downstairs) Dirty Little Secret - Meow “You’re ok if you’re not in a wheelchair” level of accessibility (a few stairs): Circus - Red Square “Fuck disabled people” level of accessibility: Caroline - Ivy - Siglo - Every single flat party you will ever attend (including mine)

DEVELOP A SENSIBLE COPING STRATEGY

When I first came to the university, someone gave me some advice. They told me that counselling services are always booked out—so I should plan ahead if I wanted a session. At the time, I thought this was a bold suggestion— talking so openly about mental health as a disabled person was something new to me. But, it is important to develop a coping strategy for when all turns to shit. You see, my “coping strategy” for when my reserved chair wasn’t in a lecture theatre consisted of struggling in silence, leaving, having a little (big) cry, then going to Moore Wilson’s (nothing calms me like wholefoods), then lying to my friends. Ah, silly first-year Alice. So naïve, so dramatic. Don’t be like Alice. DON’T BE AFRAID TO BRING UP AN ISSUE OR ASK FOR HELP

If I had just asked someone to go find a chair for me, I wouldn’t have ended up spending my whole student loan on Moore Wilson’s juice. Similarly, if I had just let the guy (who I had fallen over in front of) help me up, it wouldn’t have been so fucking awkward. People are generally cooler than we give them credit for, and are more than willing to help. Asking for assistance is a skill I started developing in first-year, and am still practising now. I also learned not to be ashamed to bring up any issue I was having as a disabled student. At the end of the day, it’s my right to get an education, and it’s not my job to make this institution accessible. It’s your job, Victoria University of Wellington, and I’m paying you to do it. TAKE A BREATH! Be gentle with yourself. Life can be shit, and sometimes it takes a lot of energy (that we just don’t have) to turn lemons into lemonade. Never downplay or discredit how you feel, take everything as it comes, and don’t wear your fucking lanyard around uni—no matter how practical it is.

SASHA BEATTIE

It doesn’t look like The Bachelor NZ will be gracing our screens with a fourth season any time soon. The New Zealand chapter of The Bachelor was much like your latest Tinder hook-up: the hype was red-hot, the anticipation was intoxicating, the execution was immensely underwhelming. TVNZ’s abandonment of The Bachelor franchise was perhaps a predictable eventuation, considering that hearing the Kiwi accent on television is a violent assault on the taringa—not to mention New Zealand simply doesn’t have enough decent male talent capable of stringing a coherent sentence together to fuel a Bachelorette season.

5. I’m both insanely competitive and a sore loser. A winning combination, if Season 2 darling Naz is anything to go by. 6. I’m ADHD with a tendency toward comorbid anxiety and depression. TVNZ, here’s your opportunity to spin a narrative where, despite being by definition an obscenely manipulative game show, you can dedicate a two-minute tangent of screentime to my backstory and pretend The Bachelor gives a fuck about mental health. 7. I’ll be the perfect angry feminist archetype. I’ll show him my “mermaids hate misogyny” tattoo and you can get him on camera googling “misogyny definition”. Imagine some poor bloke taking me—the girl with “cunt” tattooed on her ass—home to his family?? I’m truly spitballing reality television magic for you here. 8. My superpower is becoming friends with my exes’ exes. After I’m inevitably booted off the show for not being acquiescent enough, I’ll host a brunch where— facilitated by bottomless mimosas—me and the other unlucky ladies in love will spend an hour or three talking shit about the guy we spent far too many hours fawning over. Cameras invited, for a fee. 9. I’m a messy bitch who lives for drama; I’m a television ratings goldmine. What further persuasion do you really need? 10. In the words of twitter user @saramorseyy: “dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor”. My history of investing in men who are actively courting other women means I’m a practiced hand at competing for a realistically mediocre man: I’ve completed my training, let me at the game.

Bring back The Bachelor. Give me a group of women competing for the affections of an average shithead—not because they organically find him desirable, but because they’ve been told he’s desirable. Give me a group of women who have nothing to do for weeks on end except fixate on when they might be chosen to spend a day performing their worth to a man who has the personality of a cardboard box, only to be dumped for a TV personality from their childhood in the end. Bring back The Bachelor. I volunteer as tribute. 10 reasons why I, Sasha Beattie, would single-handedly salvage The Bachelor NZ: 1. First and foremost, I’m hot. I’m not saying TVNZ’s contestant vetting system immediately discounts women who don’t tick the “conventionally attractive” box, but I’m not not saying TVNZ exclusively casts babes in an attempt to offset the fact that the bachelor himself never rates anywhere higher than a generous 7/10. 2. I have terrible taste in men, The Bachelor has terrible taste in men. Voilà, match made in heaven. Waste my time, TVNZ. 3. You want drama? Give me a six pack of VBs and my filter goes right out the window—which, for bonus points, is piss poor at the best of times. 4. You want tears? Another six beers and I’ll treat the camera like my therapist.

Yes, The Bachelor NZ was shit, but was that not in itself the show’s entire appeal? Bring it back. Put me on it. Give the people (me) what they want. Love u, xoxo

SALIENT STAFF

Living in Wellington, we are conscious of the environment. There is a large vegetarian/vegan influence in the city and we can’t escape it. We are constantly reminded that if everyone we knew became a vegan, the environment wouldn’t be in such a bad state. In the past, Salient has published pieces about the use of water in the production of meat. Most people are shocked about how much water it takes to produce their favourite food and beverages. A cup of coffee = 140 litres of water A decent hamburger = 2500 litres of water A gallon of milk = 3785 litres of water If you’ve watched any Netflix documentary about the environment, you know that the meat and dairy industry are essentially tearing apart the environment to massproduce the food we eat. If you’re anything like me, you went and ate a vegan bowl out of a biodegradable bucket after learning that the ‘earth is fucked and dirty carnivores are responsible’. With all of this knowledge, it’s really hard to escape the impending doom we all feel, especially as a foodie. One way to feel better about the environment is to eat healthy, grow your own vegetables, and avoid any food wastage. There are times where we can feel like we’ve done our part and switch off. We feel good and ‘treat ourselves’ to a nice brunch, a beer outside, and maybe takeaways for dinner. What’s one thing every Wellingtonian can’t live without—the star of the show, delivered to you on your sesame bagel or Vogel’s toast? The avocado.

different dishes in many different forms, the avocado was the butt of all jokes about “entitled Millennials”. The soft green fruit works as a savoury and sweet ingredient, and has recently risen to the top of the gourmet fruit list as a ‘must-have’ at breakfast spots around the city. Often paired with halloumi or salt ’n’ pepper, avocados are in hot demand in most cities, and Wellington is no outlier. Originating from Southern Mexico, the avocado is a prevalent ingredient in many South American dishes. From guasacaca (a.k.a. wasakaka) to guacamole, the fruit is labelled by many as the superfood of the next generation. For us? It’s the green food that makes us feel healthy and often relieves our sins from the night before. It takes 70 litres of water to produce one avocado locally. It takes 283 litres of water to produce one avocado imported from South America. A kilogram in the reusable bag from New World? 1280 litres. Even though we use the avocado as the saviour of humanity and the answer to our meatless breakfasts, we must remember that nothing is perfect. Just because your vegan breakfast contains quinoa, three mashed avocados, and rock salt; doesn’t mean you’re exempt from recycling or using less water. In the hospitality industry, there are organisations like Kaibosh and Arobake, going the extra mile to ensure that our carbon footprint is the smallest it possibly can be. If you don’t do your bit, you could lose your favourite green fruit. The beloved avocado.

You may remember last winter when avocados were going for $7 each at Countdown. Served in many

So think twice before you excuse yourself from recycling your plastic bottles, you fuck.

MAUR I OR A

T HE F WO RD

JUDE WEST AND CATHERINE NELSON

VICUFO

“We might as well [redacted], we’re all going to die from global warming soon anyway,” is starting to feel like the new “YOLO”. It’s a defeatist conceit, befitting of the notoriously pessimistic Gen Z crowd, yet hardly a far-fetched notion. Our planet is dying, and it sucks.

Staying well over the winter months is a challenge when your living conditions are less than salubrious (healthy). A cold, damp flat that lacks ventilation and is mouldy can contribute to respiratory diseases and become a haven for dust mites, which make medical conditions like asthma worse. The bottom line is: You can’t study when you’re sick.

It sucks that it doesn’t matter how much we recycle our old notebooks, or how many times we bring our own cup to The Lab, or how often we whip out our metal straw to save a turtle. Because as far as green goes, money trumps trees, and those with the power to make a global difference will always prioritise profit.

Is your flat colder than you’d like? Damp, mouldy, ‘crying’ with window condensation? Uninsulated? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might benefit from a few handy tips from Regional Public Health: · Open the curtains during the day and close them before dark · Open windows 30 minutes a day to vent moisture · When bathing, close the bathroom door and open the window · Put lids on pots when cooking or boiling water · Use draught stoppers under doors · Avoid unflued gas heaters (they produce 1L of water per hour) · Use a squeegee to remove condensation · Clean mould with a spray of equal parts water and white vinegar · Use a timer with plug-in heaters

They will squeeze Earth for all its worth, and then they will fuck off to Mars, leaving the rest of us either burned to a crisp or living in some dystopian YA wet dream*. You should still put your shit in the bin, though. If the world does end, I would like to go knowing I did everything I could to save the bees and protect the trees—whether that be by using reusable shopping bags, or staging a global revolution. After all, the first thing Gen Z is known for is their unwavering fatalism. The second is their penchant for civil disobedience.

There is a ‘curtain bank’ that provides FREE curtains—if your flat is in need of an upgrade and you have a Community Services Card, apply here: https://sustaintrust.org.nz/pages/free-curtains

Whether it be climate change or gun control, this generation has a lot of feelings about a lot of things. More than that, they are determined to make those feelings known, bourgeoisie be damned.

If you experience chronic illnesses during winter such as asthma, are in financial hardship, and have a Community Services Card, contact Well Homes for a free consultation about what you can do to improve your flat: http://www.rph.org.nz/public-healthtopics/housing-well-homes/refer/

Basically, what I’m trying to say is: Thanos may have been on the right track. He just snapped the wrong peeps.

The new Residential Tenancies Act means that all rental properties (with accessible floor and ceiling space) must be insulated by July 2019, or the landlord risks a fine of up to $4000.

*sexy love triangle not included.

Skip veganism, eat the rich.

Check out the Sustainability Trust website for more information about insulation, ventilation and heating https://sustaintrust.org.nz/ if you need to chat to your landlord about meeting the Healthy Homes Standards.

MELANY TONIN

I was returning from an unknown location when I was confronted by a series of intense fires burning around Wellington’s surrounding hills. Inexplicably I felt these were related to the Christchurch shooting: a kind of terrorist arson. Yet the people I was surrounded by in town were relaxed, while I was anxious. My dream shifted at this point, and I found myself in Mount Victoria, really hungry. I snuck into a familiar villa with ornate blue and white tiling, and my eyes fixated on their heavy lemon tree in the back garden. As I got closer to the tree I realised all the lemons were shrivelled and rotten. Nevertheless, I stole some. Someone came out of the house. Terrified, I threw myself alongside the path, thinking I wouldn’t be seen, clutching the lemons to my chest.

The breaking and entering shows your yearning for security and a reprieve. Helpless, you want to latch that gate, head round to the back garden and make some undrinkable lemonade. But it’s not your house. And what really gives your helplessness away is after slipping in, you throw yourself to the ground while clutching the rotten lemon. The hoping not to be seen, and never clarifying whether you were, is crucial. To be seen and caught stealing, even if it’s of no particular consequence, is telling—it’s a gesture; doing, rather than moping or stewing in your own juices. That’s why you reach out and take the worthless fruit—because the world is too big and you’re too damn little. Indecision plagues you. That’s the reason why you couldn’t bear to be caught. You think you want to do something, or be stopped while doing it, but you fear the consequences. You go for lemons in Mount Victoria because you want to reach on in and grip the mottled middle-class safety bubble that was New Zealand.

DIAGNOSIS: Dear dreamer, You’re lost. Lost dealing with toxic realities, things that are getting harder and harder to ignore. We’re inundated and it’s bubbling through the moment you go to sleep. Your return from the “unknown” is having your eyes forced open. The fires burning on the edges of the city are the fires burning at the edges of your reality. The world closes in. Ignorance is bliss, and that’s been wiped away.

You want your mouth to shrivel and your bowels to surge. That’s all you’re after, because any response—and it’s clear that it’s ANY response—is better than nothing. Yet you don’t want to be seen scurrying back through the gate. You’re conflicted. Fair enough. At the moment there aren’t any easy answers.

Why Mount Victoria? What with the hours and hours of sunshine beaming down, and streets lined with white picket fences, what could it possibly mean? I mean, come on—fruit-bearing trees? Have you learned nothing from the Garden of Eden?!

I’ll finish with this: it’s a tough time. All I can recommend is a light snack before bed. Avoid cheese. That’s the only advice I’m really qualified (and contractually allowed) to give. Avoid cheese.

CAITLIN HICK

This week, my column doubles as an apology to my flatmate Isobel. When she swore off animal products “for the planet”, I could barely contain my sardonic banter. After four months of what I termed ‘performative veganism’, I came back from a holiday to find her cooking chicken. She had violently swung from one end of the anti-animal-product-spectrum to the other, nonchalantly handling the most grim of all raw meats. This revelation spun my ego absolutely out of control. I was right! Told you so! I really was a bit of a smug dick about it all.

(the most common) is produced by sheep, cattle, and other ruminants. It brews in their digestive system and, uh, comes out their butts. N2O is produced by livestock urine on soil, and some fertilisers. One tonne of methane is equivalent to 25 tonnes of CO2, creating a strong burst of warming over a shorter period. Alarmingly, one tonne of N2O equates to a humble 298 tonnes of CO2, and stays in the atmosphere longer than both other gases. Basically, N2O > Methane > CO2, but they’re all bad news. GHGs are an issue close to home, because New Zealand has the highest global rate of emissions per capita. Of these, nearly half are CO2, the other nearhalf methane, and about ten percent N2O. Agricultural emissions make up almost half of our total, compared to an average of only 11% in all other developed countries. With more than three quarters of all land mammals now livestock or humans, and 60% of agriculture’s GHG emissions credited to meat and dairy, the rationale for consciously reducing our animal product intake is undeniable.

As it turns out, Isy isn’t the first to make an attempt at an animal-free diet. Reports indicate that 26% of Millennials consider themselves vegetarian or vegan. There’s also been an upswing in the number of people opting for ‘flexitarian’ eating habits: a meat-less, not meatless diet. Flexitarianism preaches a conscious reduction in the frequency that one consumes meat or dairy, and the supplementation of beans, nuts, and seeds in their place. Not just reserved for celery juice-drinking pseudoinfluencers on Instagram, flexitarianism is being lauded by publications like The Lancet medical journal as the “single biggest way” to reduce one’s environmental impact. The recommended reduction in red meat consumption, in order to avoid catastrophic environmental harm, varies from 50 to 90% depending on the source. The line of argument is that, eventually, less consumption of animal products equals less supply, less livestock and farmland, and less animal farts burning through the ozone.

Average yearly consumption of meat in the developed world is 100 kg a year—the equivalent of chowing down on Ardie Savea, one-fifth of a grand piano, or just over 37,000 ping pong balls. If you ate no meat twice a week, your yearly consumption would decrease nearly 30% and your grocery bills would probably fall by even more. A couple of meatfree days and oat milk in your flat whites could mean that we have a bit longer before we’re all commuting to uni in a dinghy.

Agriculture’s environmental impact is mostly owed to greenhouse gases (GHGs). GHGs induce climate change by trapping heat in the atmosphere, most of which is absorbed by the ocean—cue rising sea levels. Additionally, long-lived trapped gases push the temperature upwards. The quicker the temperature rises, the less time the world has to adapt to the changing climate. Carbon Dioxide (CO2) is the OG GHG and is produced by the burning of coal, oil, and gas, or changes to the use of land. The other main players are Nitrous Oxide (N2O) and Methane. Biogenic methane

It turns out that Isy had been saving the planet all along. I’ve promised to stop making fun of her eating habits, except for the whole daily apple-cider-vinegar-inwarm-water thing (actual psychopath behaviour). Now I sheepishly limit my own meat and dairy intake too. Why not opt for the veggie roti chanai at your next BYO? It would be perfectly paired with a crisp rosé and a side dish of CO2 chat.

P S C:ON E OC EA N

UNI CO U NCIL

PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL

HUGO & ISABELLA

If I could, I would say to them: To the large corporations with destructive practices. I see you making money. I see you depleting resources. I see you infecting our common home. My ancestors chose to live in harmony with the land, using only what was needed; moving from space to space to allow for the process of regrowth, healing, and regeneration—for animals and all other forms of nature. If that's not the OG reduce, reuse, recycle, what is? Our home in all its abundance is a gift, and was honoured by Pacific people in the actions of preservation and stewardship. Today in one-sided environmental campaigns such as the zerowaste movement, people of the land—from the Americas to Oceania—are often forgotten in conversation. Besides being ignored for the safeguarding habits that have established the foundations of guardianship, our Pacific neighbours are amongst those currently fighting for the survival of their livelihood and their homes—in some cases, entire islands. History books illustrate industrial-focussed fellas as "saviours" of the uncivilised, dominating their “primitive" ways with paternalistic advice. Advice that has often benefitted everyone but our Pacific nations. Why do you continue to contribute? Don't touch what you can't afford. You need to stop stealing what you want from our common home. It's not like we can afford to manufacture, produce, or escape to another one when everything we need is gone.

While the Council Chamber is being repaired, the council meetings are taking place at various other locations around Victoria’s campus. Last Monday (March 25), the council had its second meeting of the year on the 12th floor of Rutherford House. Perhaps most notably in the public part of the meeting, the council approved a new sexual harassment prevention policy, which applies to both staff and students. , Individuals can make either a disclosure or a formal complaint, under the new policy. This includes the option for an anonymous disclosure or whether they want the incident noted but no action to be taken) . The policy adopts a victim-centered approach, which gives autonomy to the victim to decide the process they want to undertake. The policy is currently open for consultation, so it would be great to get as much student input as possible. You can view the policy here: https://www.victoria.ac.nz/students/get-involved/ have-your-say/sexual-harassment-prevention-draftpolicy You can send your submission to: policy-help@vuw. ac.nz There will also be students forums that you can attend. Check out the website for the dates and venues at Kelburn, Pipitea, and Te Aro campuses.

Because I can, I say to you: Usooooo. We need to change the narrative. We need to change our attitude. We wake up and we consume. We support massive corporations with systems that are literally killing us slowly and are detrimental— for their workers, for the environment, and for us. Do we have to continue this way of living? Just because these same fellas touched what wasn't theirs—in more ways than amassing land—doesn't mean we can't change the wasteful, selfish and monopolising habits that unfortunately were passed from generation to generation, from colonisation to gentrification, to us. What do you think will happen? Don't sleep on our great-great grandparents, the O.G environmentalists.

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The name change discussion is a constant item of discussion at the council table. Unfortunately, due to commercial sensitivities, most of the information is confidential. Hopefully we can update you promptly on the name change decision, but rest assured, we are constantly aiming to ensure that students and their opinions are given appropriate weight as primary stakeholders. We are also focussed on how the university can heal and be unified going forward. Please get in touch with us if you have any ideas or questions! The best way to contact us is via email— isabella.lenihan.ikin@gmail.com or hugo.lawrence@ hotmail.com

A Mountain Spirit Above the dancing grasses, you have ceaselessly blossomed, and spread your nine arms as you are the first one to be born so beautiful in the eyes of all butterflies, or deadlier than the smiles of a thousand sharks and a hundred bottles of whisky. Just like my blurry eyes wanting to consume your white-pinky, and raw beauty, every bee want to sleep in your arms, and be kissed to death by the midnight of tomorrow. You don’t complain about the harsh blows of wind, or the scary screams of heavy rain. You simply smile to the sun on another morning, and calmly face the world, acting as the pains you have just suffered yesterday are the sources of your bravery. The trees above you told me that only if I ‘really’ listen with my heart, speak with my ears, and do not burden my soul with sorrows, will I ever hear your true songs. They said you are the voice of the wind, the birds and the friendly river. You didn’t wish to be born at the edge of a cliff but you keep surviving, and keep painting your skin in purple colour, that is as fresh as the lips of the once-believed seven angels who were born to stand

Send your limericks, elegies, and odes to poetry@salient.org.nz

F OOD KRISH NA FOOD REVIEW: K I I & TO M

We won’t lie. We are dirty meat eaters. In fact, we have been all our lives. The only experience we’ve had with vegetarianism/veganism is to impress another gender. This one time, Kii got ghosted for breaking it to a girl that kimchi had fish sauce in it and was therefore not vegetarian. Vegan food has been on the rise in the last decade, and has actually become an integral addition to the Wellington food scene. If you walk into a restaurant or café in this city, and it doesn’t offer a vegan/vegetarian option, they will be gone within the year. Even meat-heavy spots like Burger Liquor lead the way for burger joints in the city, offering a vegetarian patty paired with vegan cheese and mayo. Being inclusive in this market is a must, so offering vegan and vegetarian alternatives is one of the unwritten rules of the city. This is the first time Kii and Tom have reviewed a spot that does only vegan food. We’re not gonna lie: To us, most vegan food tastes like corn and couscous wrapped in a fruit-flavoured condom, so we decided to sit down with your food editor, (boss) and our friend who is vegan. Last week, we were lucky enough to try the new Krishna Food Café in the Ilott Café space in the Kirk Building. We’ve gotta say, they’ve done an amazing job with the space. Ilott Café/Revive Café was occupying the space last year and it was your typical chicken joint. It was ‘clean’—for a chicken and chips spot. Krishna Food have redecorated the place in a minimalist fashion. The bain marie at the front of the line gets a large thumbs up from us. There’s only one thing better than seeing your food plated in front

of you, and they have that, too: a lemon in the water jug. That shit will change your ‘back alley chicken spot’ into a ‘Free Range Hot Diner’. Krishna really out here trying to be the healthiest on campus. The menu is plain and simple, and tells you straight what you’re going to get. We sat down and tried just about everything on the menu. We’ll be honest. The food was fucking good, for vegan food. We were initially scared to try things like lasagne and ‘fries with cheese sauce’. These are meals typically eaten by carnivores and it’s clearly appealing to the market who eat double bacon cheeseburgers and drink boiling Bovril. There’s no beef here, but we don’t need it. The vegan lasagne makes us think we never did. The cheese sauce is bomb. Obviously it’s not the usual butter, flour, and milk base; it’s something a little more magical that makes it stickier than usual. Sitting at $6, the Krishna Plate is now the cheapest meal on campus, and isn’t half bad. The curry is very filling, but shouldn’t be mixed with the dessert sitting right next to it on the plate. The salad is saved from being bland by the odd orange liquid in a squirt bottle. Our recommended plate? Hear it from our vegan friend themselves: “This is the best vegan lasagne I’ve had—and I’ve had a lot of vegan lasagne”. Go get yourself a vegan lasagne and go on the journey we went on, where we asked ourselves, “Is going vegan really that hard if I get to eat this?” The mango cheesecake is a nice accompaniment, as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that mangoes are going out of season.

TELEVISION THE UM B R E L L A ACA D E MY

Throw in an android housewife, a chimpanzee butler, a pair of time-travelling hitmen and an impending apocalypse—and you have The Umbrella Academy.

REV IEW: M O NT Y SA N S O M

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: “A team of super-powered individuals, bound by familial bonds, band together to prevent a large-scale disaster.” While many shows of this description have been churned out over the years—à la Legends of Tomorrow (2016), Defenders (2017), and Titans (2018)—Gerard Way’s post-MCR magnum opus proves to be a stylish, jammin’, brutal, and ultimately refreshing take on this modern trope. Through slick montage, The Umbrella Academy quickly introduces us to the eccentric billionaire Reginald Hargreeves (Colm Feore), who adopts seven children born on the same day in 1989 and quickly weaponises them into a crime-fighting team under the titular name. The show picks up some years later, after all the children have left the Academy and moved on with their lives: Luther/Number One (Tom Hopper), the super-strong oldest child and de facto leader of the group, has been living on the moon for four years under his father’s wishes. Diego/Number Two (David Castañeda) uses his skill with throwing knives to be a masked vigilante waiting by the police scanner in his leather outfit. Allison/ Number Three (Emmy Raver-Lampman) is a famous actress who used her power of manipulation to get everything she wanted in life, except keeping custody of her child in her divorce. Klaus/Number Four (Robert Sheehan) is a drug-addicted party animal hopping in and out of rehab clinics, haunted by the spirits of the dead, including his brother Ben/Number Six (Justin H. Min) who died on a mission prior to the show. Number Five (Aidan Gallagher) vanished for 17 years after his teleportation power got him stuck in the future Lastly, Vanya/Number Seven (Ellen Page) is a talented violinist with (supposedly) no powers.

Despite the clusterfuck of characters, the show never feels overwhelming. The showrunners take advantage of the ten, hourlong episodes and flesh out the characters, allowing the audience to sit and watch as all their unique and tortured layers are slowly revealed. Flashbacks to the Umbrella Academy when the children were younger are tied in to provide a strong contrast to their current selves grappling with the consequences of their turbulent upbringing. The episode The Day That Wasn’t demonstrates this, with each sibling dealing with their own personal torment: Luther discovers his moon mission was futile and deals with his abnormal body, Diego grieves over a loved one, Allison discovers her mutual feelings for her brother might be too late, Klaus deals with PTSD, Number Five fights against the inevitable apocalypse, and Vanya struggles with trusting her family and being labelled ‘ordinary’. The episode was later entirely retconned due to time travel, but it portrays these superhuman characters in their most raw, human state. Way’s creative talent ensures the show is supplemented by an incredible soundtrack which makes the experience an absolute jam—whether it’s Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” set to a shootout in a department store, “Dancing in the Moonlight” establishing a whimsical dance scene, or one of the many melancholic songs underpinning a dramatic moment. The high production value makes Umbrella Academy pop with colour and sizzle with crisp cinematography, putting the show far ahead of the trashy thin aesthetics of CW Network shows. So yes, the show your friends have been raving about is actually pretty good. Lucky for us, the showrunners are looking to crank out eight seasons of The Umbrella Academy. Considering how bombastic the season finale was, who knows where it will lead? (Unless you read the comic.)

F IL M H OW TO TR A I N YOU R D R AG O N : T H E H I D D E N WO RL D REVIEW: E VA LO C K H AR T

As a HUGE long-time fan of the How to Train Your Dragon films and an avid consumer dragon-related content in general, I was both extremely excited and incredibly nervous to see the final installment of this iconic trilogy. I had so many questions. What is ‘the Hidden World’? How will our beloved protagonist Hiccup cope after the death of his father? Who is the new female Night Fury shown in the trailers? Will I be satisfied with the amount of screentime given to my all-time fave, Toothless? Luckily for me, DreamWorks answered all these questions and more, delivering the perfect ending to the trilogy with exactly the right amount of adorable Hiccup & Toothless sweetness, and their most stunning animation to date. Hidden World brings us back to the island of Berk a year after the events of the previous film. Hiccup, Toothless, and the gang have been rescuing dragons from hunters and warlords, bringing them back to Berk to live in harmony with the vikings. This has resulted in severe overcrowding, and Hiccup, now chief, decides to seek out ‘the Hidden World’, the legendary dragon haven. Meanwhile, notorious dragon hunter Grimmel “the Grisly” acquires a female Night Fury to use as bait to catch Toothless. Toothless, our boy, discovers the white lady fury (a.k.a. Light Fury) in the woods, and the two are instantly smitten. The subsequent ∼dragon dating∼ scenes contain ridiculous amounts of adorable. After a nasty visit from Grimmel and a failed ambush, Hiccup decides that Berk and its dragons need to relocate, and packs up the whole town for a journey to the hidden world. Thus making HTTYD3… a road movie?? A dragon road movie‽ When we finally enter the Hidden World, it is worth the wait. The animation is breathtaking—the underground cavescapes are glittering and cerebral, the skies contain even more depth, and the

level of detail in each frame reaches new heights. Dazzling dark blues are complemented by vivid emerald greens and pinks. This is, undeniably, the most beautiful DreamWorks film to date. There is a real sense of growing up in The Hidden World; the tone is more adult, the colour palette is darker, heavily utilising dark jewel colours. Hiccup builds Toothless an automatic tail piece for solo flights, and has serious conversations with Astrid about marriage, death, and the future of Berk. Toothless, the visual representation of my soul, falls in love. I was 12 when the first How to Train Your Dragon film came out; now I am 20. I may not be a viking chief, a dragon rider, or a Night Fury, but since HTTYD’s release in 2010, I have moved out of home, fallen in and out of love, and begun my adult life with my cat—who is in fact a dragon in a cat’s body. (It is worth noting that Toothless is even more catlike than usual in this film). So, on some level, I empathise with Hiccup as he struggles to make adult decisions, with Toothless as he flies on his own for the first time, and with the residents of Berk who leave their lifelong home. HTTYD3 is cleverly written, combining a perfect mix of nostalgia, awe, ingenuity, and maturity, resulting in a film that answers all the questions and is full to the brim with genuine emotion. In my opinion, How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World is, quite literally, the perfect conclusion to my favourite trilogy (tied, of course, with the Dark Knight trilogy). I don’t want to spoil the ending, but suffice it to say, I shed many tears of pure joy. Toothless may not be appearing on the big screen again, but I know he is with me.

FASH ION THE FUR DI L E M M A REV IEW: NI NA W I E R

The use of fur in clothing is one of the most divisive and emotive issues in all of fashion history. No other fabric has ever been on the receiving end of so many ad campaigns, catchy slogans, and celebrity condemnation. Is this misguided energy that should be spent on eradicating tie-dye? Maybe, but in honour of environmental week, I won’t pick on the hippies. This year, several massive names in fashion—Versace, Gucci, Burberry, Tom Ford, Ralph Lauren, Moschino, Stella McCartney, and even H&M—all made the pledge to drop fur from their collections, invoking praise from both animal rights groups and sustainability activists. But do they really deserve the eco gold star journalists are so keen to hand out, or is this the ethical equivalent of not going out on a Saturday night to get some study done, and then rewarding yourself by watching Netflix till 2 a.m. (which is equally as self-sabotaging)? I love a great fur coat moment. Cardi B’s court appearance in head-to-toe fur was one of the highlights of my 2018. As faux fur is significantly cheaper to produce than real fur, we’ve watched the trend trickle down from New York runways to Lambton Quay, making everyone’s inner Diana Ross a little more accessible. While this is great for fashion devotees, giving such a resource to fast fashion can only end badly. Anyone who’s ever looked on ASOS for winter coats has seen furs dyed in some unreleased shade of OPI x Paris Hilton, the Ibiza vomit range, or jackets sewn from the fabric of a salvaged Chewbacca costume. These “trendy” pieces will be worn for one to two seasons at most—if the polyester doesn’t combust from being near an open flame first—and then end up in the landfill.

So how do you reconcile your inner Old Hollywood starlet with your conscience? Like any garment, op shopped is always best, and there are some killer (ha get it?) vintage furs available, both real and faux. Even investing in a quality new faux is a good option, if you can picture wearing it over a couple winters. Fork out a bit more money on it and you’re less likely to ditch it after one season. Basic stuff, people. If by chance this magazine has infiltrated The Wellington Club, and the person reading this is totally loaded and wants to buy a new rabbit coat for winter, it’s not completely impossible to find ethical options. New Zealand is a big exporter of invasive species fur, so both possum and rabbit products are relatively easy to find. Even Lonely, the brand of choice for several kiwi Cool Girls, sells jackets made from “lambs which have been lost naturally in the winter frosts”—which is an interesting fur alternative, depending on where you stand on the whole wearing-critters debate. At the end of the day, fashion is a huge contributor of waste, and is destructive to a huge range of animals—not just the cute fluffy ones in the PETA commercials. So whatever you buy, try to invest in pieces rather than trends. Unless you’re living in a cottage in the woods, eating only hand-grown produce and wearing clothes you’ve sewn from fallen leaves, you’re probably contributing to waste in some way or another, so you might as well be glamorous while the world burns. If you want to throw red paint on me for writing these things, just make sure I’m in the Hub or other very public area so I can maximise the amount of attention I get out of the whole affair. Just take off your leather shoes before you go throwing anything—hypocrisy ain’t a cute look on anyone.

M USIC

MU SI C

PL AINE S

CHIEF KEEF

REV IEW: SOP H I A K ATS U L I S

R EVIEW: P IER CE HIGGINS ON

Some might say Wellington has enough uninspiring shoegaze bands. This is probably true. However, Plaines’ new self-titled release is worth your time, and their upcoming gig will be worth your dollars. The five-piece, self-proclaimed “multimedia collective” recently debuted their album after being signed to Ball of Wax Records. Plaines falls into the broad category of shoegaze rather loosely; their sound is arguably more atmospheric than the genre usually entails. My personal favourite track “Knuckles” showcases the band’s signature sound; potent guitar energy intertwines with lustrous melodies, boldly punctuated by precise drum rhythms. Vocalist Matt Pogson’s spectral voice harmonises upon itself, delivering subtly provoking lyricism. “One month deep… Odyssey… center me… Knuckles replaced by blue surroundings,” he sings; evoking a feeling of desolation and desperation which perfectly accompanies the echoing instrumentals. In “What More Than The Sun” Matt convinces you he’s a ghostly apparition; “Passing through straight onto you… Through the tree right onto me… I’ll never leave,” he calls out in falsetto.

Chief Keef’s latest release and first of 2019 GloToven is a full collaboration project with legendary producer Zaytoven. I shouldn’t have to tell you why these two are some of the biggest names in rap, so I won’t. However, I’m sure that even Chief Keef is stoked that this is happening, due to his affinity for the early days of trap when artists would bang out a whole mixtape—usually to a poor standard—with a single producer giving each tape its own sound.

Their final vocal track “Couch Season” is the most uplifting, and features an impressive distorted guitar solo. It is paired with images of what could be interpreted as ‘Welly on a good day’, where the only clouds are “lung-borne”. The rest of the album features more instrumental tracks which are equally as picturesque, tying it together with ambient synths, snappy drum machines, and droning reverberations. Overall, the layering of unique sounds seems very intentional and is well curated. This album is a pretty cinematic experience in itself, which compliments the use of visual projections that usually accompany their live performances (remember this is a multimedia collective). I would recommend listening to Plaines on the bus, walking home at dusk, in the shower; by yourself or with whoever. Let yourself brood for half an hour. Plaines is playing this Saturday, April 13 at Moon.

This, however, is much more polished, and reminds me of a mid2000s Gucci and Zay tape, but only in the best way. Zaytoven does not fail to showcase his ability to provide a perfect mix of extremely tight drums, classical piano, and unique synthetic sounds on the beats in this album. The diversity of the tracks calls for an equally diverse approach from Keef. He provides his fair share of flex-focussed bangers like “What Can I Say”, but isn’t afraid to mix it up on tracks like “Ain’t Gonna Happen” where the piano being played sounds fresh out of an anime opening and stays the focal point of the rest of the song. Chief Keef leaves the usual more indulgent topics behind on this one, for more vulnerable and sentimental ideas, including the loss of his cousin Fredo Santana (R.I.P.). I think fans of either Keef or Zaytoven will enjoy this album; however, people going in blind or stupid “old heads” may not be feeling it as much, especially as the only feature is Lil Pump. GloToven loses half a point because of the nasty-ass cough at the start of “Batman”.

TH E AT RE

Sikora has only two characters, and they are both very funny. Though perhaps not offering as much as Grown Ass Woman in G ROW N ASS W OM A N AN D P E T E R T H E S O BE R VAMPIRE terms of consistent laughs, the extra time with each allowed us to develop a lot of sympathy with the vampire and the polka-dancing REV IEW: K I R STI N C R OW E magician from Siberia. One of the magician’s tricks is to bounce ping pong balls and swipe The oxymoron of Stupid Poets perfectly encapsulates what this them into a butterfly net. This is as unimpressive as it sounds and show is about: There is incompetence served on a gold platter. that in itself, given Sikora’s deadpan delivery, is quite funny. The skit These comedians are perfectly in control of their ineptitude, and so builds to a climax where he unleashes about 100 ping pong balls we get to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride, especially when the and bounds up and down the stage catching them in the net. car stalls. But then, there are moments where the audience is pleasantly When I entered the theatre, I saw the weirdest mix of props ever. A surprised by a show of skill. At one point, Peter spits out not one, black box on the right; a tarpaulin, neatly folded, on the left; and a not two, but six–eight ping pong balls (I should have counted but mic between them. What was the tarp for? Could it be a cape? Or you know me)! the vampire’s grown-ass wifey’s wedding veil? Grown Ass Woman, too, has her moments. In Resnik's second skit, Well, I was kind of close. Grown Ass Woman, played by Rachel she wears a sparkly red ballgown and holds a plastic portable Resnik (the latter half of Sikora & Resnik—they're not a law firm) wine cup. She belts lines of opera to the cup, getting more and starts with the best darn bridesmaid’s address I’ve longed for. She more flustered as it resists her efforts to break it. While it ends with splutters her real opinions about the “anti-feminist event” which her accidentally crushing the cup in her ecstasy, her singing is good she’s supposed to be celebrating. It appears that this character enough to provoke that oxymoronic humour—we’re supposed to only came for the open bar. Why do people get married? This is laugh at her, but at the same time, we’re shaking our heads at how exactly what I wish I could say at every wedding. This skit ends with good she is. Resnik taking a last sip of her wine and throwing it over her head, fist raised triumphantly towards the top of the gazebo. Whether it’s the Easter bunny crumping for Hugh Hefner, or the vampire who’s better at being sober than they are at magic, Resnik The skits of Grown Ass Woman were all excellently observed, and and Sikora’s characters give us humanity in failure. The enthusiasm had real treasures if one wanted to ponder. Questioning what it with which Grown Ass Woman jumps to catch cheese balls hurled means to be Grown Ass, there is a gollum character who wants by the audience, and Peter’s lurches to nab those bouncing balls, an engagement ring. An inspired choice, the two personalities of is just about the cutest thing I’ve seen all year. Their sincerity makes gollum are a free-wheeling 30-something who just wants to drink them loveable, while their ineptitude makes them laughable. whiskey at 12:02 p.m., and on the other side, a desperate-not-to- be-a-spinster wannabe wifey whose time is running out. As you All in all, a goofy show with real heart. I especially felt seen by can guess, whiskey woman wins out. Grown Ass Woman, as its silly metaphors showed how desperate the modern woman is to be something she’s not. This kind of While Grown Ass Woman has fun with her inability to meet societal deeper meaning might have done Peter’s bit some good, though expectations, Peter shows us how much fun it is to watch a mediocre he is undoubtedly adorable as is. If I had to give one word for our entertainer. reception of Stupid Poets? Chuffed. 41

IGM. 2019

VU SA

Head along to our IGM to hear the 2019 By-election results and what VUWSA has in store for 2019!

10 april the hub 12pm

SHORT A ND SWEET BIRDIES T HIS WEEK

ARIES

LIBRA

You as a native bird: Tauhou (Wax-eye)

You as a native bird: Weka

TAURUS

SCORPIO

You as a native bird: Kererū (New Zealand pigeon)

You as a native bird: Kārearea (New Zealand falcon)

GEMINI

SAGITTARIUS

You . as a native bird: Tūī

You as a native bird: Kākā

CANCER

CAPRICORN

You as a native bird: Chatham Island robin

You as a native bird: Kiwi

AQUARIUS

LEO

You as a native bird: Kea

You as a native bird: Pīwakawaka (Fantail)

PISCES

VIRGO

You as a native bird: Kororā (Little blue penguin)

You as a native bird: Ruru (Morepork).

chicken Wing tuesday Spicy wings

for

$7 14

for

$15

Every Tuesday 11am - 4pm @ The Hunter Lounge 43

limited stock

CROSSWORD PUZZLES FRO M PUC K

GUESS THAT DAD BOD

CROSSWORD: NEW TRICKS

LAST WEEKâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BOD: JEFF GOLDBLUM ACROSS

DOWN

1. Suffering an allergic reaction, maybe (7) 5. Adjective for some beards and shrubs (5) 8. Texas senator Cruz who beat Beto (3) 9. Decision-making tree (4,5) 10. State whose three biggest cities all start with C (4) 11. Set in stone, literally or figuratively (8) 14. African country with the world's largest solar power farm (7) 15. Right this second (3) 16. Oolong or souchong, say (3) 18. Audience for a film or TV show (7) 20. Misshapen (8) 21. ^The Wire^ character who said "A man got to have a code" (4) 23. It has a stem and people often smell its contents (4,5) 24. Descriptor of some drinks in a 23-Across (3) 25. One of many roles in ^The Haunting of Hill House^, say (5) 26. Dunking into sauce (7)

1. Quiet and socially-averse (11) * 2. Chemical element that gives its name to a shade of yellow (7) 3. Details, for short (4) 4. US president who shared his surname with one of the three largest cities in 10-Across (6,9) * 5. Argue about (6,4) * 6. Minimalist or undecorated, like King Leonidas? (7) 7. So far (3) 12. Common yoga pose, or a description of the answers to the starred clues? (8,3) 13. Vindicate by showing something to be true (5,5) * 17. CuarĂłn who won this year's Best Director Oscar for ^Roma (7) 19. Military caste of medieval Japan (7) 22. Invitation abbreviation often preceded, redundantly, by 'please' (4) 23. Drag accessory (3) The answers to the starred clues have something in common.

LAST WEEK'S SOLUTION

HERE ARE YOUR LINES, YOU HEATHENS!

F*CK YA LIFE UP

EASY PEASY

Puzzle 1 (Very hard, difficulty rating 0.80)

Puzzle 1 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.69)

5 4 2

1 1

5 4 1

7 1

7 7

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Wed Apr 3 06:18:52 2019 GMT. Enjoy!

4 9

4 2

8 5

7 2

5 8

2 9

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Wed Apr 3 06:18:55 2019 GMT. Enjoy!

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About Us Salient is published by—but remains editorially independant from—Victoria Univeristy of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council. Salient is funded in part by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy. The views expressed in Salient do not neceassarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University. Complaints People with complaints against the magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the press Council. See presscouncil.org.nz/complain.php for more information.