Salient 20, 2013 - Gender by Salient

E I L N A T S 1938

monday 16th september 2013 VOL 76 ISSUE 20

Designer: Laura Burns designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Chris McIntyre news@salient.org.nz News Interns: Sophie Boot

E I L N A T S 1938

An Organ of Student Opinion Since 1938

Arts Editor: Philip McSweeney arts@salient.org.nz Film Editor: Chloe Davies Books Editor: Alexandra Hollis Visual Arts Editor: Simon Gennard Music Editor: Elise Munden Theatre Editor: Gabrielle Beran Games Editor: Patrick Lindsay Feature Writers: Henry Cooke & Patrick Hunn Chief Sub-editor & Uploader: Nick Fargher Distribution Specialist: Jonathan Hobman

contributors: Woody Allen, Hilary Beattie, Seymour Butts, E, Mark Felt, Catherine Gaffaney, Penny Gault, Hugh Haworth, Freddie Hayek, Hector and Janet, Dylan Jauslin, uss Kale, Eve Kennedy, Jessica Legg, Virginia Lone Wolf, Rory McCourt, Katherine McIndoe, Hugo McKinnon, Duncan McLachlan, Carla Marks, NgÄ i Tauira, Pasifika Students' Council, Cam Price, Ramon Quitales, Carlo Salizzo, Emma Smith, Steph Trengrove, Julia Wells Contributors of the Week: Alexandra Hollis & Steph Trengrove

It is a widely accepted fact that men spend disproportionate amounts of time, wang in hand, fapping furiously, and subsequently

advertising: Contact: Ali Allen Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz

congratulating each other

contact: Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/salientmagazine

on their manliness. Flicking The Bean - Page 34

about us: Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed by APN Print of Hastings. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, APN Print, John Morrison, The gender pay gap, but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them. This issue is dedicated to:

the gender binary, may it rest in peace

www.salient.org.nz

@salientmagazine

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ď&#x20AC;¸

Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy editor@salient.org.nz

? his ve om f t ha nd F o a o z t t f F PD .n an o e g w ay th r 't pl ad t.o n on is e D ic D d r lie bl an sa Pu d t a loa e a n su ow is D

them:

editorial

CONTENTS Weekly Content: VUWSA

News

Politics

Campus Digest

Features: WHAT's in a name?

seven and a half

inches of throbbing insecurity no laughing

matter "to boldly go": a

letter to the lost girls a cherry

disposition

You don’t need a BA majoring in gender studies to realise that judging people based on what’s in their pants is pretty unhelpful, fairly arbitrary, and most definitely an outdated view of things. The gender binary—much like all of the other black and white ways of viewing the world that we’ve long since done away with—is an unhelpful construct which seems to do more harm than it does good. Why do we expect to understand how someone should act, talk, or dress; what they should like or who they should love; how they should identify, or what they should call themselves—simply because, way down on a genetic level, they’re more XX than XY or vice versa? Unlike our mothers, whose views about how they should be treated have a more female-centric focus (“I am female, hear me roar”), we feel—and have always felt—that gender is pretty irrelevant to us. We expect to be assessed as people, rather than women; addressed by our names, rather than as “Ladies”. Neither of us have ever felt like our gender has genuinely hampered us reaching our potential at University—procrastination and laziness hasn’t had anything to do with the fact that we have boobs; our tendency to overshare on social media is more likely to hinder our job prospects than the fact we don’t have a dick. Yes, there are differences. We get periods, contraception is more expensive and generally considered our responsibility, and we spend a fortune on bras. But for us, these inconveniences are just unfortunate biological facts of life—and have nothing to do with how we see ourselves or expect to be treated.

That being said, we realise that our ambivalence towards our own genders doesn’t mean that ongoing disparities between males and females—not to mention the oppression of those who don’t fit into those arbitrary classifications—don’t exist. Simply refusing to assign a great deal of significance to the gender binary doesn’t mean that it won’t affect us. We will soon leave our comfortable, equal, liberal university bubble, graduating only to be greeted by a 9 per cent gender pay gap, and a lesser likelihood of career progression into leadership positions than our male counterparts.

like a virgin

body languish

flickin' the bean

Columns: secret diary

weekly rant

hoopin' and

hollerin' laying down the law things that go

bump in the night

In an ideal world, these leadership positions would be filled on the basis of an individual's capabilities, rather than—on the one hand—because society has determined one gender’s ‘qualities’ are ‘better-suited’ to the role, or—on the other hand—because society sees the error of its gender-based assumptions and seeks to fix the problem by promoting one gender over another in a clumsy process that hurts everyone and benefits no one. In an ideal world, disparities in numbers of males and females in our Parliament and on our boards of trustees wouldn’t matter because they wouldn’t reflect an inherent disparity between the genders themselves. In an ideal world, it wouldn't matter who is making a decision, or who’s in charge, so long as the decisions they’re making are both informed and fair. It doesn’t take a vagina to know that our abortion legislation is in desperate need of reform—just like it doesn’t take a penis to drink beer, be sexually empowered, or edit a magazine.

molly & stella

Fixing your life

lifestyle

Arts: music

books

visual arts

film

music (continued)

what's on

Etc: Puzzles

Letters

Notices

VBC

Gig Guide

VUWSA 

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

your students' association

THE McCOURT REPORT VUWSA President Rory McCourt On fees and why this University needs to stand up to Steven Joyce: Fee setting feels like a play. We all have our roles, we say our bit, and the conclusion was always already written. On Monday, our University Council will set fees for 2014. To no-one’s surprise, Management has recommended a 4 per cent rise—the maximum increase allowed by the Government. The same 4 per cent they demand every year. International fees will go up even more. Victoria dropped from 237th to 265th-equal in the QS Rankings last week. The relative drop is concerning for the reputation of the University and value of our degrees. In all likelihood, Council will accept the 4 per cent domestic recommendation, and the suite of higher international fees, increasing the fee take by $2.3m and $3.5m, respectively. Until the Clark Government came to power, fee rises were out of control. There was a brief period of freezes until the introduction of the Fee Maxima policy. In 2007, when the Government allowed unis to charge up to 5 per cent increases, Green MP Nandor Tanczos predicted that the move “effectively locked in perpetual fee increases.” Was he right? Sadly, yes. What was supposed to be ceiling has become a floor, a way for councils to ignore their low-quality spending and simply go for more revenue from a source with very little choice but to front up with the cash—us. The lazy 5 per cent was replaced by the National Government’s AMFM 4 per cent in 2011, with exemptions to go to 8 per cent. The exemptions have become much harder to obtain, which is good. Last year Vic was slapped down for having the gall to ask for an 8 per cent rise in Humanities and Education fees to ‘help Māori and Pasifika learning’— despite a lack of a plan about how to do that, and the fact the research shows that Māori and Pasifika families are more likely to be turned off from tertiary education due to higher fees. Anyway, back to the 4 per cent. The floor/ceiling was a real problem for students and their associations at first—that was until the National Government’s chronic underfunding of universities had become so diabolical that the institution is now clearly dependent on the 4 per cent of the student tuition fee component to keep up with inflation (0.7 per cent), staff increases (around 2 per cent from the collective agreement) and depreciation costs. Universities are winging for this 4 per cent ceiling to be lifted so that they can raise our fees to be more equal with each other. Vic’s Humanities fees are some of the lowest in the country, which Management sees as a weakness. VUWSA would say phooey to that: there’s no good reason to be in the middle of an overpriced pack. So what is Government underfunding doing, besides making unis keen to go bananas on fee rises? Well, it’s stealthily increasing the private contribution towards our educations while reducing the state’s.

The secret got out recently when a Treasury paper let slip: “By making provision for annual 4 per cent increases in student fees, we have offset the impact of cost pressures for providers while shifting the incidence of cost… Over time, this has shifted from Government funding 74 per cent of these costs in 2004 to a projected 70 per cent in 2013.” You might say 70 per cent state contribution for domestic students is still pretty decent. But compared to what? Australia and the US are both putting in more funding per student. The UK is the notable exception to this drive in investment—and they suffered in the rankings. So it’s not a case of ‘we don’t know how lucky we are.’ It’s about whether we believe that education is a good thing—just a cost or a real opportunity. In New Zealand society, we socialise all kinds of costs. We socialise health costs for individuals, we socialise fire services and earthquake assistance, and we socialise the police. Sure, these things have social benefits. But they also have private benefits. For example, when a shop owner’s window is broken, preventing them from trading and turning a profit, the police investigate the matter without making the shopkeeper write out a cheque. Why? Because as New Zealanders we think that security and justice are good things, and we are prepared to socialise those costs to make our country a better place. I guess why I’m frustrated with the perpetual fee rises that are increasingly not enough to bridge the funding gap is because the universities themselves have not been challenging the Government over their deliberate shortchanging. I think it’s an absolute scandal that after 4 years of no new funding, and the last 2 years with not even money to cover inflation, our institutions have said little publicly. I was talking to a senior figure at another university recently who admitted their strategy of silence was a big mistake. Well, it’s never too late. I think it’s time that our universities found a backbone and stood up against underfunding. Finally, the Council paper refers to the fact the international student ‘numbers’. The way this University, and the sector generally, talks about international students is concerning. It’s clear that any regard for the quality of education, teaching and learning or research that might be enriched (or reduced) by additional international students takes a back seat. Instead, these students—these people—become “Chinese numbers” or “Malaysian numbers”; “Full fee-paying revenue”, rather than learners or scholars. Like with many things in this once-great academic institution, we now know the price of international students, but not the value. Blinded by a market-driven commercialism, the exchange rate is more important to our university’s leaders than the exchange of ideas. Until our VC can prove there’s been a 4 per cent increase in quality, or that they’ve found some spines and actually put up a fight against underfunding, or that they see international students as more than just cash-cows, and importantly: that they research the impact of a rise on students: I will be voting against the rise. 4 per cent does not deserve an encore.

>>> salient.org.nz

 VUWSA

NGAI TAUIRA

International Officer By Ramon Quitales Welcome to International Week! VUWSA has been busy in putting together a week full of events that seek to celebrate the cultural and ethnic diversity we have here at Vic. Here’s what the lineup looks like! Monday For too long, there has been little representation of international students at Victoria, and our International Rep Group Launch is our attempt at rectifying this. Please feel free to come along even if you aren’t an international student, but, of course, an interest in international-student issues would be helpful. I look forward to seeing you all there in Meeting Rooms 1/2 in the SUB building at 5 pm. Tuesday In association with AIESEC Victoria, we are pleased to bring you The Amazing Race in the Campus Hub. Take part in this exciting event to learn more about the different regions of the world and the various social issues they face. There is also a prize valued at over $800 to be won, so be sure to turn up anytime between 11 am and 2 pm for your chance to win!

Kia ora anō tātou, Aue te kaha pupuri o te hau i tērā wiki. Pukurir katoa a Tāwhirimatea, nā ko te tūmanako kua pai koutou katoa o Pōneke ne me ngā wāhi katoa o te motu nei. I tēnei wiki i toko ake te whakaaro, kua tata mutu tā tātou nei wā ki te whare wānanga mō tēnei tau. Ko ētahi ka hoki mai hei tērā tau, ko ētahi ka whiwhi ā rātou tohu. Nō reira, mēnā ko koe tētahi o ngā mea kua tata oti, kia kaha rā koe, ā, ngā mihi hoki ki a koe, otirā ki a koutou i whakatau ki te whai i tēnei mea te mātauranga. Mōhio marika ana tātou, ko te manu e kai ana i te miro nōna te ngahere, ko te manu e kai ana i te mātauranga nōna te ao. Nō reira e hoa mā kainga te mātauranga ka tika, kia tae atu ai ki te hui whakapūmai me ngā nekenekehanga o taua nā rā, ā, taua na pō hoki. Ngā mihi, Ngāi Tauira.

Wednesday And in the middle of the week, we have organised an International Food Festival from 11 am to 2 pm in the Tim Beaglehole Courtyard for all you food enthusiasts out there! There will be stalls with different international foods present, so feel free to swing by and check it all out. Thursday Two different events will be hosted on Thursday. The first is a Mexican Folk Music and Dance performance brought to you by the Latin American and Spanish Club, happening at noon. This performance seeks to showcase the different kinds of dance and music that can be found in the land of Mexico. The second is an International Film Night hosted by the Film Society at 6.30 pm in the Memorial Theatre. Three different international films will be screened, with popcorn and a soft drink being provided to audience members for the price of a gold-coin entry fee. Friday To round off the week’s events, we have the VUW French Society putting on a French Potluck and Film Night at 6 pm in SUB Meeting Rooms 1/2. Come along and share a meal with your fellow students, and enjoy a screening of Les Choristes with English subs. Entry is free, but bringing some food to share is appreciated. For more information, please check out the International Week Facebook event at www.facebook.com/events/373428889426493/

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PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL LOTO AHO STUDY SESSION Wednesday, 4–6 pm at Te Taratara a Kae, Māori and Pasifika Space, Kelburn Library Level 2. HULA WITH TE KURA Wednesday, 7.30 am at Dance Room, VUW Rec Centre. CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP Monday, 5–6.30 pm. FHSS DROP-IN COURSE ADVICE Friday, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos. TE PUTAHI ATAWHAI DROP-IN SESSIONS with Pasifika Support Co-ordinators: Jenny Taotua and Sera Tokakece. Monday, Wednesday and Friday, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos. “We may all live under the same sky, but we don’t all have the same horizon. Expanding your horizons means choosing to see the bigger picture and opportunities for success all around you.”

NEWS





NEWs 

Are you an Oracle of news? Put the wind in the spinnakers of the Sail-ient news section. Email news@salient.org.nz with tips, goss, knots, and tacky jokes.

UNI: "show me the money" Students: "show us the tutorials" Sophie Boot

The University will again seek to raise course fees for 2014 by the four per cent maximum allowed by law. This rise goes along with the two-per-cent rise in the Student Services Levy, as previously reported in Salient. International fees will also rise by five per cent, while Music students will face additional rises, following recommendations from the Board of the New Zealand School of Music. Management will recommend these rises to Council, who will vote at the next University Council meeting, to be held on 16 September. It is likely the motion to raise fees will pass; recommendations to Council regarding fee levels generally receive majority support from Council, as is the norm every year. The message coming from University management is that quality costs, and that funding has to come from students, given that Government funding has stayed the same since 2012 while other costs have risen. Despite a maximum rise in fees last year, Victoria slipped in the recently released QS University World Rankings from 237th in 2012 to 265th in 2013. Students will be allowed to attend the meeting, although it’s unclear whether water bottles and bags will be allowed in the meeting this year. Last year, such items were banned from the Chamber, with security guards enforcing the rules. This year at Auckland University, students were excluded from fee-setting meetings after protests last year disrupted meetings and left two University staff injured. At a Student Fees Forum held last Tuesday,

Chancellor McKinnon, Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh and Chair of the University Council Finance Committee Roger Taylor all spoke individually on fee-setting, before the room split into two small discussion groups. The forum was attended by few students, with the vast majority VUWSA or Salient staff. McKinnon, speaking first, described the feesetting meeting as “the most challenging Council meeting”, and “not a comfortable exercise”. He spoke at length about the importance of quality, and cited devolution of responsibility from central government to university councils as a main source of pressure driving the need for fee hikes. In order for the University to continue to provide students with the “quality you deserve”, the fee increases were “vital”, McKinnon said. “We want to guarantee Vic students quality, but quality costs.” Walsh stressed the need to provide quality, mentioning positive feedback from the Student Experience Improvement Survey as evidence students believed they were getting quality. “Victoria is ranked among the world’s top two per cent of universities, which is a significant achievement,” added Walsh.

numbers of tutorials, had not materialised. McKinnon denied the process was insincere. VUWSA Treasurer Jordan McCluskey asked whether the four-per-cent increase in fees was needed, or whether the University was just looking to get the most it could. The reply was that the University was currently breaking even due to its low course costs, and that if Victoria’s fees were the same as the University of Auckland’s, then the University would be operating with a ten- to 15-per-cent surplus. When asked whether the University would seek to increase the fees beyond the four-per-cent maximum, which government regulations allow in the future, management did not rule out the possibility. The Tertiary Education Committee (TEC) is able to grant permission for universities to increase their fees by more than four per cent in exceptional circumstances. In 2012, the University attempted to raise fees in Education, humanities and social sciences papers by eight per cent, but the request was denied by the TEC. The University Council meeting to decide fee rises will be held on Monday 16 September at 2 pm in the Hunter Building’s Council Chambers.

When the shift was made to discussion groups, students attending were able to put questions to top University staff. One table, led by Chancellor McKinnon, Vice-Chancellor Walsh and VUWSA President Rory McCourt, became tense when McCourt described the consultation over fees as an “insincere process”, as the promised improvements in quality, such as increased

>>> salient.org.nz

Council declares drinking "finE" politicians further disenfranchise youth Chris McIntyre

The Wellington City Council (WCC) is proposing to fine those who are severely intoxicated in public, in the latest effort to tackle problem drinking in the city. The WCC’s strategy and policy committee voted to investigate such a measure at a meeting last Thursday. The vote sees the end of their previous local alcohol policy proposal, which would have limited the opening hours of inner-city bars and forced off-licences such as dairies and supermarkets to stop selling alcohol at 9 pm. Off-licences will now be forced to close at 11 pm, and bars and other on-licences at 5 am. Salient spoke to a number of students about the plan, all of whom were opposed to the initiative which would see an as-yet-to-be-decided fine dealt out to punish the severely intoxicated, and get them off the streets to sober up. One student said the proposal risked jeopardising the health of severely intoxicated persons, who would not seek help in fear of a fine. Other students described the plan as “a solution looking for a problem”, and “more stupid and annoying than the drunk people”. “If they’re just patrolling the main streets, they’ll be pushing people elsewhere.”

Image credit: Hospitality Association, Dominion Post.

Not all councillors support the policy, with Iona Pannett pointing to the police’s description of the policy as “ineffective”, and saying it avoided collective responsibility. “I just think it's ridiculous. I want police to catch rapists and murderers and wife beaters, not people who get a bit drunk on the weekend," said Pannett, who was joined by councillors Ray Apihene-Mercer and Helene Ritchie in opposition. Bar and restaurant owners have showed support for the policy, which would shift the responsibility from bouncers and bar staff over to patrons. "We are big advocates of it,” said Hospitality New Zealand Branch President Jeremy Smith, who believes the policy will make unruly drinkers more responsible. “Our approach is saying we are not going to change behaviour and the way people act if there's no consequences or repercussions for the individual,” said Smith. If successful, the bylaw would echo 1970s laws which made public drunkenness illegal under the Police Offences Act. The finalised policy will be voted on at a full Council meeting on 25 September.

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VUWSA AGM 2013 

VUWSA CLINGY, MAKES ONE LAST GRAB FOR STUDENT BODY "IT'S COMPLICATED" Chris McIntyre

VUWSA has opened its elections to all students, meaning it can now claim to represent those students who have specifically not signed up to be VUWSA members. The VUWSA annual general meeting (AGM) was held in the Hub last Wednesday, giving VUWSA another referendum question for this year’s election, two new life members, and a streamlined constitution. The 2013 AGM was an efficient affair, though the annual quorum scare was present as usual, with quorum of 100 members reached at 1:27pm as the 100th person filed in to signs of visible relief from the Executive. VUWSA’s constitution requires quorum to be met within half an hour of the meeting’s advertised start time. VUWSA successfully passed a motion to allow all students—as opposed to just VUWSA members—to vote in the annual VUWSA elections, meaning VUWSA effectively has a mandate to speak for all students again. This mandate was removed with the introduction of Voluntary Student Membership in 2012, as VUWSA could no longer count all students as members. While VUWSA membership is still voluntary. Currently, approximately threequarters of students are VUWSA members. Student and non-VUWSA member Shaun Wallis believes VUWSA should focus on becoming a better-run organisation, instead of claiming to represent students who have not signed up to be represented by the association. “As long as they only speak on behalf of their members, then it's okay,” Wallis told Salient. As previously reported in Salient, VUWSA’s mandate has been consistently challenged by the University for not representing all students, as only three-quarters are members. Membership numbers were part of the rationale behind the University removing VUWSA’s seat on University Council. It is expected VUWSA will use universal elections as weight to their argument for a return, as they could claim to be fully representative of the student body once again. When asked by

Salient, McCourt stated that the change was made as VUWSA acts in a “universal” role and that voting should reflect this.

Vice-President in 1968.

“[VUWSA’s] about serving all students, and serving them equally. We believe all students have the right to choose who their representatives are,” said McCourt.

“Her strongest contribution … was to lift student representation across Victoria from her time in the ‘60s, but also as Chancellor,” said McCourt. “Ms Barrington realised the importance of partnership between students and staff to make Victoria a better place.”

The changes will take place this year, meaning all students will be able to vote to elect the 2014 VUWSA Executive.

McKinnon joined the VUWSA Executive while studying towards a BCom in Economics, and became Men’s Vice-President in 1966.

A motion moved by student Tyrone Barugh to force VUWSA to hold a referendum on the continued funding of the VBC passed by 63 votes in favour to 40 against, with seven abstentions. The exact wording of the motion is yet to be decided, but it will not be binding on the 2014 Executive whose decision it would be to remove funding from the student radio station.

“Ian’s time at Victoria … has been one that has backed students from day one. Ian is a great advocate for students, and his service is an example of service and dedication to students and to University life,” said McCourt.

Barugh told Salient other VUWSA members were also concerned at the annual cost of running the VBC—around $30,000. "The VBC provides value to its presenters and its very small group of listeners, but not to most Vic students,” said Barugh, adding that the VBC could “probably” run without a paid station manager, and move to streaming online only.

Other constitutional changes made were “pretty basic tidy-up amendments”, according to McCourt. All these amendments were passed unanimously. Nominations for the 2014 VUWSA Executive close on Thursday. Nomination forms can be found at the VUWSA reception, Student Union Building. Voting will be held from 26 September to 2 October.

“That might make it better value for VUWSA members," said Barugh. As the question will be included with the NZUSA referendum question already in the VUWSA Election, there will be no added cost. Salient will explore what the referendum will mean for the VBC in coming weeks. Motions were passed to instate Ian McKinnon and the late Rosemary Barrington as life members of VUWSA. Both had served on VUWSA, and as Chancellor of Victoria—a position McKinnon still holds today. Barrington served as VUWSA’s International Affairs Officer in 1967, implementing a bulk importation of rice that fed hungry and disadvantaged students at Victoria, despite strict import and price controls. She became Women’s >>> salient.org.nz

 VUWSA AGM 2013

mayor wades into housing debate with ELECTION BRIBE Chris McIntyre

Mayor Celia Wade-Brown has announced a major housing initiative in partnership with VUWSA, in the hopes that improving students’ flats will improve her student vote. VUWSA’s Healthy Homes campaign was launched at Housing Forum held after their annual general meeting, where Wade-Brown announced a local bill to introduce rental warrants of fitness for housing in Wellington. The rental warrant of fitness would set minimum standards for rental housing in insulation, heating and ventilation, for public and private rental properties. Every rental property would be inspected on a regular basis by trained inspectors to ensure it met the minimum acceptable standard. The scheme would operate in conjunction with central government and Housing New Zealand, and would also address housing initiatives including reducing homelessness, introducing rent-to-own schemes for tenants, and streamlining building consents. As previously reported in Salient, the Wellington City Council (WCC) will work with VUWSA, Dunedin Mayor Dave Cull—who is sponsoring a similar bill in Dunedin—and local MPs to advance the Bill. The next stage is for the WCC to draft the Bill, before submitting it to Wellington Central MP Grant Robertson, who will take it to Parliament. Wade-Brown has described her housing initiative as a “key plank” to her election campaign, and will be hoping it is well-received by students for the upcoming local body elections in which she is re-standing for Mayor. With councillor John

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Morrison currently leading in polls, Wade-Brown is not expected to be re-elected, leading some to speculate that the initiative is an election bribe. “To a certain extent I think it is a vote-grab, sure. But if it works out it’s going to be great for students,” said one student spoken to by Salient. Turnouts in local-body elections is traditionally very low, and this is especially the case for students. Young people are also the most likely demographic to not be enrolled to vote. Wade-Brown maintains her initiative would cover not just students, but all those living in rental accommodation in Wellington. “Wellingtonians deserve to live in houses that are affordable to buy or rent, are affordable to heat, and that ensure they and their families remain healthy,” said Wade-Brown, adding that the Council has a role to play in providing such outcomes. “High-quality housing is a fundamental right, and we need engagement from across the private and public sectors to deliver the outcomes Wellingtonians deserve." In addition to Mayor Wade-Brown, Director of the He Kainga Oranga Housing and Health Research Programme Professor Philippa Howden-Chapman spoke on the need for a rental warrant of fitness. Howden-Chapman called the plan an important “first step” towards tackling wider housing issues not just in Wellington, but across New Zealand. “This is a move which should have been done

many years ago,” said Howden-Chapman. Students spoken to by Salient were impressed with the measure, with one stating it was “about time” something was done, and another describing a rental warrant of fitness as “a pretty good idea [if] it means that things will actually change for the better”. However, the scheme hasn’t impressed all, with landlords wary of having to pay more and increasing rents. A landlord spoken to last week by Salient said any legislative changes would have to cover his expenses to have his support, and Wellington Property Investors’ Association President Jackie Thomas-Teague has said the costs of bringing a house up to standard could affect rates and rents. “Everyone would like to see healthy homes; it’s clear that is better for people. But it has got a huge cost involved in it,” said Thomas-Teague. Neither Howden-Chapman nor VUWSA President Rory McCourt thought the Bill would lead to rental prices rising. “It’s not going to push up priceS at all, and that’s because price isn’t necessarily determined in Wellington based on the cost of the landlord. We know that our rents aren’t being determined by the cost of the landlord to rent out the place,” said McCourt. “Some of us are paying $160, $170, $190, $200 a week, and there’s definitely room for movement for landlords to improve.” If successful, the Bill would affect more than 60,000 Wellingtonians who currently live in rental housing.

NEWS

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LIFE AND DEATH SITUATION AT VICTORIA McCourt a sight for ‘saur eyes Catherine Gaffaney

The Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences opened their doors to the public with an open day, which celebrated the breadth and depth of the teaching in the faculty via exploration of the theme of births, deaths and marriages. 'The Big Day In', held on Saturday 7 September at Kelburn campus, was a free event consisting of public lectures on a variety of topics loosely based around the day’s theme. The day culminated with a ‘Town versus Gown’ quiz, which saw the 'Town' team led by Mayor Celia Wade-Brown take on University lecturers and VUWSA President Rory McCourt in a light-hearted test of their knowledge of the theme of the day. "The value of a day like this is that the University and its tremendous knowledge base is made available to a wider audience, both in the

University and beyond,” said Victoria University Chancellor Ian McKinnon. Lecture topics included the birth and rebirth of direct democracy, the marriages of East and West in art, and the rituals of death, dying, and an afterlife. Issues such as the tension between wanting more democracy and the state's inherent distrust in the people, and whether society's obsession with fictional serial killers indicates the desire to not think about violence as rational and everyday, were put forward to an engaged audience.

"BAs and the Faculty of Humanities often get a hard time. The day has shown the ... difference the liberal arts can make in the world,” he said. McCourt was wearing a dinosaur onesie throughout the day, and Salient has thus far been unable to confirm why. More information will be reported as it comes to light.

While students were few and far between, some students Salient spoke to said it was good that the audience asked really in-depth questions and that the food provided at lunchtime was “great”. Salient also spoke to McCourt, who expressed pleasure at how the day had gone.

Photo credit: Image Services - Victoria University Wellington

>>> salient.org.nz

 NEWS

MASSEY doesn't get quorum for EXMSS It dozen add up Chris McIntyre

The situation at Massey University's Extramural Students' Society (EXMSS) has gone from bad to worse, with the society deadlocked at a failed AGM last week. EXMSS were supposed to hold their annual general meeting, but the meeting did not proceed due to a failure to reach quorum. Only 12 members attended, 13 short of the required number. Chapman abandoned the meeting after seven minutes, under the advice of contracted business advisor Alan Millar. Millar is being paid $100 per hour by EXMSS, which is funded by students’ money through contract agreements with Massey University. The meeting would have seen voting on several proposed changes to the EXMSS Constitution, all of which would have increased Chapman’s power within the society. These included reducing the number of Executive members from seven to four, reducing the quorum at Executive meetings from five to four, and reducing the quorum at annual general meetings from 25 to 20. The proposals also included a change which would have allowed Chapman to be paid fortnightly, rather than quarterly. Following the meeting, outraged EXMSS members confronted Chapman with their views on her conduct.

"I think you're being deliberately obtuse ... your representation of the extramural students is so unbelievably poor; you're the President and you owe us an explanation," said EXMSS member Hannah Pratt. Chapman did not respond to criticisms, instead leaving the room stating Pratt had “a hostile attitude” and that she was only prepared to “speak with intelligent people". After the meeting failed to reach quorum, Chapman was quoted as saying the lack of quorum did not bother her, though she later described her disappointment at the meeting’s outcome. "I was taken aback by the way today's meeting failed, and regret that it could not take place as planned," said Chapman, adding that "options are being explored" for a new meeting date. Extramural students had requested the meeting be streamed, given their distance from campus, but requests for live streaming were turned down by EXMSS. Salient understands EXMSS was left with no capacity to live-stream the event, after EXMSS Communications Manager Adam Dodd was suspended following the publication of articles

criticising EXMSS in Massey University’s student magazine Massive. As a result of Dodd’s suspension, Massive has not been able to upload content online. Chapman did not respond to Salient’s attempts to contact her regarding Dodd’s suspension, or when the next AGM would be held, by the time Salient went to print. EXMSS members have investigated court action to remove President Jeanette Chapman, but found such action would be too expensive. As EXMSS is an incorporated society, complaints to the registrar of the Companies Office force Chapman to stand down by way of a High Court judgment. Several weeks ago, a number of EXMSS members applied for a special general meeting (SGM) where Chapman could be voted out of office by a two-thirds majority. Requests for an SGM have to date been ignored by EXMSS. As previously reported in Salient, Chapman is paid $53,000 per year—more than any other student president—for her role, after promoting friends to the Executive and gaining contracts which pay on top of her annual presidential salary.

students get paid out but in a good way, for once Steph Trengrove

The bacon being brought home from those with Student Job Search (SJS) placements is only getting juicier, recent figures show.

enrolments dropping by seven per cent.

The most recent figures released by SJS show that Victoria University students are earning a third more money than they were at this time last year. Compared to this time in 2012, total earnings through SJS have risen by 27 per cent, while earnings per job showed 30-per-cent growth.

Salient spoke to second-year Commerce and Law student Kelsey Pepper, who secured a regular weekly position through SJS. The job was secured “easily”, and provides her with a helpful weekly profit, paying $15 per hour. Pepper says the money helps pay “day-to-day” expenses, and that she would not be employed were it not for the service that SJS provided.

Students are also working longer, with the number of weeks worked also rising by 30 per cent on the same time last year despite

2561 students have been placed in employment by the service so far this year, about the same as last year. The most recent figures reinforce

salient.org.nz <<<

the findings from earlier this year; that there are fewer students finding jobs through SJS, but these jobs are generating a higher profit. Total earnings have increased to $6,964,920 for the year to date, while the average earning per placement has been relatively stable at $2720. In June, Salient reported students had earned a combined $5,502,735 between the months of January and June, while the average earnings per placement were $2785. Students looking for work can find SJS at: sjs. co.nz, or contact them on 0800 757 562.

NEWS



this week's

ions

iPredict is a prediction market run by Victoria University that has hundreds of stocks on economic, political and social outcomes. The following predictions are supplied by iPredict and may have changed since Salient went to print. To try your luck go to ipredict.co.nz.

Sonya Clark to be Next VUWSA President

MORRISON CAUGHT OUT AT SILLY POINT Another victory for salient Molly McCarthy & Stella Blake-Kelly

Voting on campus is up in the air, following an attempt by a mayoral candidate to further disenfranchise an already overwhelmingly apathetic student body.

“I am disappointed at the outcome of the question I raised, which was not about removing ballot boxes, but the question of ballot boxes throughout the city at appropriate venues.”

Last Thursday, the Wellington City Council Electoral Office confirmed that there would be no voting drop-off boxes provided at the University. However, a special voting facility will be available on Wednesday 25 September from 9.30 am to 3 pm. The initiative to have voting on campus, a first for Victoria, came about through efforts by VUWSA to try to get students engaged in September’s upcoming local-body election.

The Electoral Officer Charlie Inggs said that after taking into account legal advice he had received, he “determined that although providing voting drop-off boxes at the University would encourage voter participation, this initiative was not communicated to all the candidates and the public at the outset, and the University library and students’ administration are not public places.”

Though the Electoral Office refused to release details of the complaints, Salient understands that mayoral candidate John Morrison was one of the complainants. In a statement released to Salient, Morrison said that his "issue is about providing the same opportunities equally to all sectors of our community," but that he "[doesn't] have a problem with this process". However, following a public backlash on social media from students who suddenly discovered an interest in local-body politics, and an outrage over a right most don’t choose to exercise, Morrison backed down from his complaint. “I’m very unhappy about the way the matter has been handled by all concerned,” Morrison said in a statement. 12

VUWSA President Rory McCourt said he was “pretty gutted to hear anyone would complain about having postal ballot boxes on campus. It was something to get students engaged in the local elections, to do something about the notoriously low youth-voter turnout." "I'm not convinced that this is just one big misunderstanding. I think John needs to release the correspondence he's had with the Elections Office to show exactly what he advocated for and against," McCourt said.

92%

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

VUWSA to vote to leave NZUSA

94%

Jacinda Ardern to be next Labour Deputy Leader

31%

Grant Robertson to be next Labour Deputy Leader

24%

"We hope with John backing down, the Elections Office will see sense and return our ballot boxes." The Electoral Office had not released any further statements on the campus drop-off boxes when Salient went to print.

Shane Jones to be next Labour Deputy Leader

12%

>>> salient.org.nz

 NEWS

stay classy, world Tony Abbott has been elected Australia’s new Prime Minister, proving the Australian election cycle has done more in the past two weeks to stop the flow of New Zealanders than John Key’s National Government has in the past five years. George Zimmerman, fresh from being acquitted of the murder of Trayvon Martin, has run into a spot of bother after threatening his wife with a gun and punching her father. The reports have come as a complete surprise to anyone with their head buried in the ground. Rafael Nadal beat current world number-one Novak Djokovic in four sets to bring an exciting close to the US Open. 23,000 spectators filled the Arthur Ashe Stadium in New York to watch two sweaty men exchange a small yellow ball between each other over a net, which was reportedly set at waist height.

LOL NEWS CHROFLIS MCLOLNTYRE

MEN TESTE-D A recent study has looked at whether men have the balls to look after their children. A team from Atlanta’s Emory University linked men’s testicle size to how active they are as fathers, with small-testicled men more likely to bathe, feed and change the nappies of their children. Data showed the reward area of the brain recorded greater responses in those with small testicles than those with large testicles. MRI scans of the men’s scrotums showed some men had three times the testicle volume than other men: another great win for science. A KOREA-GEOUS JOURNEY Former NBA star Dennis Rodman has taken a second trip to North Korea this month, apparently not discouraged after the US State Department voiced displeasure at his first trip earlier this year. Those who were hoping Rodman may broker a release for imprisoned US diplomat Kenneth salient.org.nz <<<

Bae when he met leader Kim Jong-un were left disappointed, with Rodman stating “I don't give a shit” to reporters last week. “That's not my job to ask about Kenneth Bae. Ask Obama about that. Ask Hillary Clinton,” he told press at Beijing Airport, with an unlit cigar in his lips. Rodman went on to describe Kim Jong-un as “a friend for life”. “I don't care what you guys think about him. I don't give a shit about what people around the world think about him,'' he added. SEX EDUCATION An AUT Psychology student is conducting a yearlong book review into the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. While some academics focus on medicine or engineering, Emma Griffiths is conducting a study into heterosexual women’s thoughts on the trilogy. The students’ Psychology lecturer, Panteá Farvid, came up with the idea, stating the thesis will “[help us] understand the Fifty Shades phenomena." “The added bondage and kink made it appear titillating and exciting," Farvid added. Honours study at AUT costs approximately $7000 per year.

Things are beginning to look up in Syria, as Apple announced two new iPhones in California last week. While it’s not exactly clear how the announcement will help solve the conflict which has now claimed over 100,000 lives and created more than two million refugees, commentators have mentioned that the new iPhone 5S will have a fingerprint sensor. A couple dining at a restaurant last week were asked to leave after being “too fucking depressing”. A fellow customer complained to restaurant management after becoming fed up with the listless ambience surrounding the pair: “They just weren’t even talking to each other, it totally spoilt my brûlée.”

headlines that weren't Baby up in arms at mother’s carrying technique Slowest racing yet as Briscoes sponsorship of the America’s Cup brings 50% off sales Shearer admits he doesn’t enjoy the “point-scoring” of sports Grumpy-cat merchandise crosses “red line”, says Obama Bondage industry calls for binding referendum 13

POLITICS 

left Winning Elections for Dummies

P O L I

By Carla Marks On Sunday, the New Zealand Labour Party elected its 14th leader, the first to be chosen by an electoral college composed of affiliated unions, members and caucus. A battle of ideas determined who would fight to take Labour into government. This battle reinvigorated the party and forced candidates to the left. It has shown Labour at its best. With the election over, Labour needs to refocus on the real goal of ousting the National Government, but how? During the election, we saw the two main contenders, Robertson and Cunliffe, veer left on wages, jobs, housing, and the economy. For party members, the narrative was a delight: finally seeing MPs aligning themselves with the views of rank-and-file members. However, for ordinary New Zealand voters, the position on the political spectrum that the new leader occupies matters little. For decades, the dominant political dialogue, especially in election years, has been around “economic management”. In the 2011 election, we saw National set the agenda of the campaign, derailing all attempts by the Greens or Labour to introduce new policies by simply asking where the money was coming from. Labour, by lack of fortitude or lack of vision or both, fell into the trap of attempting to answer these questions. The answers were fine, but by responding, they constrained their campaign and policy within the neoliberal box of rating policies by how much they cost, rather than the way it changes the lives of New Zealanders. Sure, being able to afford to implement a policy is crucial, but letting the price tag define everything that you do is a distraction from the real job of government helping its citizens. This problem is compounded when the neoliberal agenda and the fear of taxes prevents you from raising government revenue. David Shearer’s leadership of the Labour Party saw the announcement of radical housing and power policies. They were true left policies, and, more importantly, they addressed the issues that New Zealanders cared about. By talking about the things that really concerned voters, Labour made the right-wing cries of costings futile. By being bold from the outset, the agenda was shifted. The numbers had been done and the ideas were affordable, but that didn’t matter anymore—New Zealanders were finally hearing about policies that would create a difference for them, not just comparing the price tag of each party come each election year. So, what does Labour need to do now? It needs to continue what Shearer, Kirk, and Savage all did—talk about the issues that matter to voters. With a leader able to communicate clearly and a focus on things that matter to New Zealanders, they will be unstoppable in 2014. nightmare for Key.

Letters from a young contrarian By Cam Price Shane says he would tie a bungee cord around John Key’s genitals and castrate him, and that he would like to take a mere (a Māori weapon) to the “$50 million gorilla”. David doesn’t get how to do rhetoric, telling the party that “[he’s] the kumara they want to be munching on” and saying the “the future is ‘literally’ in your hands”. Grant makes bad music-related jokes, like how his favourite band is The National (although he calls them The Labour—lolza!), and that if the three contenders were a boy band, they would probably be One Direction (LMFAO). Jesus Christ. Welcome to the newest phase of politics: the leadership primaries. In 2011, the Labour Party, after another election slump, changed the way they elected their leader—whereas before only MPs had a say, now the caucus’ vote has been reduced to 40 per cent, card-carrying party members get 40 per cent, and the unions get the remaining 20. The concept of allowing party members to vote for the leader of the party’s parliamentary wing is hardly a revolution—the Greens already do it, and even the ACT Party tried it out in 2004—but that hasn’t stopped Labourites from proclaiming it as such. The concept of a political primary has appeal—democracy is great. The People Get To Have Their Say. But there are two major problems with primaries: they highlight division, and they exacerbate the number-one problem with politicians: you never know when—or, more accurately, if—they’re telling the truth.

1. When vying for the leadership, a leader seeks to differentiate themselves from others. They try to win over votes, showcasing the weaknesses of others; whether that be directly by disagreeing with them on policy, or indirectly by outshining them in debates. The strength of one becomes a weakness of the other. Further, MPs will come out in support of a leader. That leader may not win. If they don’t, those members have clearly expressed that they do not agree with the new leader, and that may ruin their job prospects at the next election. 2. Primaries also tend to favour the slipperiest of politicians. The various candidates always manoeuvre themselves temporarily towards their party’s core support base, taking on relatively radical policies. These are watered down or jettisoned when the candidate then makes the inevitable attempt to win over swing voters in the middle of the political spectrum. This is known as the flip flop, and is incentivised by the process. Cunliffe used to be on the right wing of the party, saying he endorsed public–private partnerships (now the domain of the National Party) and supported private health insurance. Now, he claims he’s a direct heir to New Zealand’s original socialist, Michael Joseph Savage (who established the welfare state in New Zealand). Doubtless the leadership tussle has invigorated the Labour Party—it’s basically political porn for hacks and activists. The three contenders have won valuable airtime. David Shearer’s weak point was that no-one knew him. The peril of these primaries is that everyone will know that the Labour leaders are gay porn–consuming megalomaniacs.

>>> salient.org.nz

 POLITICS

T I C S

right Freddie’s Local Body Election Pro-Tips By Freddie Hayek

then & now We may have been the first country to give women the vote, way back in 1893, but 120 years later, with a 9.3-per-cent pay gap, only 32.2 per cent of women in Parliament, and Labour’s proposed “man-ban” solution shouted down before it was even formally introduced, we’ve obviously still got a long way to go… This week, Salient looks at ladies in da houses of the world.

New Zealand Year they gave women the vote: 1893 % of women in parliament in 2013: 32.2%

Australia Year: 1902, subject to conditions and restrictions. 1962, restrictions lifted. % in 2013: 28.7%

The USA Year: 1920 % in 2013: 18.7%

Mongolia Year: 1924 % in 2013: 14.9%

The UK Year: 1918, subject to conditions and restrictions. 1928, restrictions lifted. % in 2013: 22.5%

China Year: 1949 % in 2013: 23.4%

Russia Year: 1918 % in 2013: 12.1%

Rwanda Year: 1961 % in 2013: 56.3%

Sweden Year: 1919, subject to conditions and restrictions. 1921, restrictions lifted. % in 2013: 44.7%

Samoa Year: 1990 % in 2013: 4.1%

salient.org.nz <<<

Wellington is a political town, which makes sense, being the capital and all that rubbish. Local-body elections are sort of like the bronze medal of political life, but they do matter due to the fact they set a local tax (rate) on homeowners. Most people who are long-term local-government clingers are a wee bit mental; for example, some of the present New Zealand First caucus are local-government types. Curious coincidences aside, I strongly believe that anybody who has served more than three terms on the Wellington City Council should go. This includes Helene Ritchie, who has been on Council twice as long as I have been ALIVE, and Bryan Pepperell, who is the most obstructionist, unhelpful barnacle currently attached to the Council’s soft, easy-to-elect underbelly. More importantly, the Council itself is the mayoralty. Below, I give a brief description of why I think you should rank each (serious) mayoral candidate in the order I do. Remember, under STV, it is better to not rank at all a candidate you don’t like, than to rank them last. Jack Yan: Rank 1 Jack is quirky, clever and well-connected. A graduate of Victoria in Law and Marketing, Jack owns several businesses in the creative sector. He started his first business designing font typefaces while still at school. Jack has lived all over the world and wants to make the global best practice for harnessing creative talent work in Wellington. Pro-business but socially liberal, Jack Yan is my number-one candidate. Nicola Young: Rank 2 Nicola is a well-resourced candidate with fresh ideas, who does her homework. Daughter and sister of Wellington National MPs (a species extinct since the 1990s), it could be said that Nicola is running as the bluest candidate in the mayoral race. As well as a commitment to taking an axe to Council bureaucracy, Nicola would have a great relationship with central government and the Regional Council, something sorely lacking under the incumbent. Celia Wade-Brown: Rank 3 Celia is the sitting Mayor, and started well with high hopes. A Green not running as a Green, she has pulled off the incredible feat of annoying Greenies for not being Green enough and for annoying us normals for being a bit too Green in other areas. Despite being a councillor previously, Celia struggles to lead the fractious Council. There was also that time she did not know how much her $350,000 office renovations cost. John Morrison: Rank as unranked Has demonstrated sexist attitudes. Hates buses. Also didn’t want students to have a voting booth at university! Don’t vote for a dinosaur.

CAMPUS DIGEST



CAMPUS DIGEST YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

INTERNATIONAL W EEK

Monday 16 Sept

Tuesday 17 Sept

Wednesday 18 Sept

Thursday 19 Sept

Friday 20 Sept

International Rep Group launch, 5pm, SUB Meetings Rooms 1 & 2.

Amazing Race in the Hub, 11am-2pm. In association with AIESEC Victoria.

International Food Festival, 11am-2pm, Tim Beaglehole Courtyard (next to the Hub).

Mexican Dance Performance, 12pm, Tim Beaglehole Courtyard. In association with the Latin American and Spanish Club.

French Potluck and Film night, 6-10pm, SUB Meeting Rooms 1&2. In association with the French Society.

International Film Night, 6.30pm, Memorial Theatre. In association with the Film Society.

CAMPUS DIARY Smell a Rat? Customers at the Illot Theatre cafe may have unwittingly been getting more than they bargained for, with recently released documents revealing that the fine-dining establishment received an official cleaning notice in July last year for “inadequate cleaning/rodents”. But then again, with pies that cheap, maybe it’s worth the risk. Puff, Puff, Don’t Pass the Joynt Victoria’s Debating Society has won the national Joynt Scroll debating competition, smoking out the competition for the eighth year in a row. The winning team, comprised of Cam Price, Nick Cross and Olivia Hall, successfully argued that This House believes that it is time for the LGBTQIA movement to break up. Salient, who have loyally reported on

each and every one of DebSoc’s Joynt Scroll wins with variations on weed puns for the past eight years, are beginning to wonder whether there are any more weed stories left to tell. Leaving Their Mark It seems that the Hub just can’t catch a break. In the latest instalment of the ongoing saga, the Hub was the site of a devastating oil spill. During the mid-trimester break areas of the Hub had to be cordoned off after a construction worker traipsed through the Hub with a leaky vat of oil, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. A Vic staffer was overheard to say the incident caused thousands of dollars worth of damage, and the culprit was immediately dismissed by the construction company. Fortunately it’s all been cleared up now. It is unlikely that this incident will delay the construction completion date, still set for 1 April 2050.

>>> salient.org.nz

ď ? CAMPUS DIGEST

get amongst "the best" OVERHEARD @ VIC Overheard in pols111 tut: "there were essays that had been proof-read, then others that had obviously been written late at night by...I'm hesitant to say drunken or stoned students..." VUW CUPID #785 George Morrison, You are such a stunner, stop studying law and start studying me full-time xo #783 The girl who is obsessed with one direction. You started to light up my world last tri in Fcom and now you are the only thing that makes Quan bearable. You're absolutely stunning #779 To the incredibly buff, super tanned, shaved headed man who sits in the front of class during abnormal. You sure don't fit in amongst the young excited women who generally flood second year psychology, but you are a good sight for sore eyes. Keep being ridiculously tank and tanned, even though its winter and I don't know how you can have the motivation to exercise Exercise with me any time. #780 There's a guy in one of my lectures, his name is Rob (Desmond? I think). Every time I try and say 'Hi' to you my heart beats so fast that I stutter and you end up walking away too quick before I can get a word in. I think you're really adorable. You make me weak at the knees. I wish that you would notice me sitting a few seats behind you. I really like you Rob, I only hope I could 'man up' to talk to you. OMG VUW CONFESSIONS #697 Anyone read this? http://static.stuff.co.nz/ files/FoodPremisesList.pdf

salient.org.nz <<<

Nice to see Illot Cafe on the list for cleaning and rodent issues! EW EW EW #696 anon plz so i was at uni late tonight in the hub, studying. i went to go find a bin and there was one behind the new vic books counter. then i noticed a fridge full of milk behind the counter. being a poor student with no conscience i grabbed a couple of bottles of 2L milk, chucked them in my bag, and brought them home to the flat. ty vic books. not really posting as a confession, but providing an idea to any fellow students who just need some god damn milk. #695 From anon, Don't bring your baby to the Uni library! I know it's not the silent floor but no one wants to hear a baby yelling and smashing the keyboard! There's already enough broken computers at pip we don't need more caused by your out of control baby. Get your baby home, and stay there. TWITTER @JClaireharvey9 Sep Something about two hour lectures on Mondays should be criminalised #vicuni #hatinglyf

Top Ten Top Ten Lines from 10 Things I Hate About You 10. Hello Katerina, make anybody cry today? 9. Are there sheep? 8. What's a Bogey Lowenstein? 7. I'll let you get back to Reginald's quivering member 6. I have a dick on my face, don't I. 5. Can we focus on me for a second please? 4. I need agua! 3. Damn, I was going for thoughtful. 2. Are you saying I'm not a pretty guy? 1. Black panties! carlo salizzo @louderthoughts

FEATURES • ϟ

What's In A Name?

For some of us, language isn't a problem. But the words we use sometimes can't capture the entirety of a person. Trans* people in particular are the victims of a language that doesn't do them justice. By Patrick Hunn Bradley Manning, the soldier found guilty of a cocktail of treasonous offences against the United States relating to her leaking of documents to

WikiLeaks, announced the day after her sentence was handed down that she desired to be known as Chelsea Manning, and that she wished, in the future, to undergo hormone therapy. This was big news, but a perhaps surprisingly prominent

tertiary story emerged as media outlets grappled uncomfortably with pronouns. Some publications described Manning as a woman, while a larger number (at least initially) did not. New Zealand newspapers by-and-large reprinted stories from the Associated Press, which usually went with Manning’s preferred pronoun. USA Today published a confusing article on this split within the media, while quoting its own editor who explained that while modern consensus over style suggests that using a person’s preferred pronoun is the way to go, they weren’t going to because, well, they just didn’t want to. The New York Times, taking a dim view of their readership, published

>>> salient.org.nz

ϟ • FEATURES

an op-ed explaining their refusal to use the feminine pronoun, explaining that people would “be totally confused” by the switch. The Times reversed its decision to refer to Manning as male on 26 August (four days after the fact). I hope their readers didn’t find it too difficult. The explosively icky furore caused by Manning’s announcement is a taste of what trans* people have to deal with—either the erasure of their identity via the inability of language to accurately sketch them, or the refusal of people to acknowledge that people can relate to their bodies and to people in other ways. Lumping non-cisgendered people together as a single thing is tricky. In the interest of rehashing another ‘Trans* 101’ piece, let us turn to “non-binary swoonprince” Sebastian Maddox, who helpfully explained that interesting little asterisk in Salient’s queer issue: “The ‘*’ in trans* signifies the diversity of identities that come under the category of trans. It recognises the invalidity of the traditional idea of the gender binary—the belief that only two modes of expression and identity exist: male/masculine and female/feminine, and the belief that those absolutely correlate… People often argue that gender is psychological/social while sex is biological. This is simplistic and not really true! Sex and gender are both diverse spectrums! Intersex people exist, after all—people whose junk doesn’t fit clearly into our arbitrary standards of male/female. People also have varying levels of hormones and secondary sex characteristics.”

Assistant Professor at the City University of Hong Kong, makes the point that gender is dealt with differently by different languages: “There are… languages in which gendered pronouns (at least) are less of a problem. For example, in Spanish, subject pronouns can be dropped unlike in English. This means one can avoid them without sounding impersonal or ‘socially distant’.” This feeling of distance isn’t just an assumption on King’s part: “in fact, in English, some psychology research has demonstrated that avoidance of pronouns (i.e. saying the name of the person repeatedly instead of using a pronoun) is associated with untrustworthiness of the speaker.” This effect is something that

sense. Languages might be entirely free of all grammatical references to gender, but could still imbue certain words with gendered qualities. For instance, Chinese languages are (semantic meanings aside) gender-neutral. In Mandarin, tā is used to refer to anybody. Its gendered meanings, however, appear in written form, where the character is altered to mean he/ she/it. This seemingly strange divorce between written and verbal meaning is actually the result of the unshakeable need for gendered distinction on the part of 20th-century Westerners. In an interesting turn of events, a raging debate about gender-neutrality in Sweden has seen the emergence of several departures from established norms. Some preschools now forbid teachers to refer to children with gendered terms, insisting on the use of first names. An increasing number of sporting codes are seeing men’s and women’s teams merged. And, most notably, 2012 saw the emergence of a new, Swedish, gender-neutral pronoun: hen. Although hen is at this stage decidedly political in flavour and use, it is appearing with increasing frequency in a number of publications. The argument for hen is not just an egalitarian one. Rather, its proponents note that it reduces the awkwardness sometimes present in writing with she/he, or, in this context, the awkwardness of using ‘they’ that is so often encountered in English.

The explosively icky furore caused by Manning’s announcement is a taste of

what trans* people have to deal with— either the erasure of their identity via

the inability of language to accurately

sketch them, or the refusal of people to acknowledge that people can relate to

their bodies and to people in other ways.

Language can do horrible things to people. There isn’t anything new about this idea, which has been the subject of work by almost every notable thinker in the history of forever. After all, it is language, a rather messy and uncontrollable construction, that dominates the way we conceive of and define others. Gender is an integral part of this, and it in many ways defines the way we understand each other, and is an important part of the performance that defines who we are as far as those around us are concerned. What sort of primacy, then, does gender enjoy within the English language? Dr Brian King,

salient.org.nz <<<

has been labelled the “Pinocchio effect” by Lyn M. Van Swol, Michael T. Braun and Deepak Malhotra in a study published in 2012. King also notes that where Spanish is able to avoid certain limitations, it “has its own issues because gender is built right into the syntax and morphology. That is, the endings of words are different depending on whether you’re speaking to a man or a woman, and there’s no genderneutral option.” German, at least, “has genderneutral pronouns for third-person reference (similar to gender neutral ‘you’ in English). However, German poses a new set of challenges. No language is trouble-free in this regard.” There are ostensibly gender-neutral languages, although King is right in identifying that very few languages substitute gender as an identifying marker for personhood in the broad

Outside of those more prominent difficulties presented to those people who, for whatever reason, desire to be referred to with different gendered pronouns, which is in many ways a (very, very relatively) straightforward shift, trans* people who wish to abandon gendered pronouns altogether are faced with a different sort of problem. The use of ‘they’ or ‘them’, for instance, meets with some recalcitrance from people who find it dehumanising in practice. King notes that the severity of this difficulty “depends on whether you’re referring to writing or speaking. In writing, one has time to ponder a solution, and unconventional language can be more successfully deployed. In face-to-face speaking with an intersex person, it rarely matters, but it’s when you start referring to him/her in the third person to others that it gets tricky.” The danger, therefore, is that, “If you start

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switching back and forth between him and her (a suggested strategy by some intersex people) your listener could get very confused unless you’re only speaking about that one intersex individual.” Another way of considering this ‘problem’, however, is that ultimately, it is in respect to the life of another person. If you aren’t aware of what the person in question prefers, or if they even have a preference, then whatever you use is probably forgivable. Ultimately, however, English doesn’t provide intelligible ways for intersex (or trans*, in the wide context) people to either be talked about or, in some ways, to talk to each other. Language isn’t the only demarcation of gender that can pose an unnecessary and ultimately harmful impediment to trans* people. In New Zealand, as King points out, we aren’t doing that badly; “you can opt to have an X in the ‘sex’ field of your passport instead of M or F. There are many challenges which remain, but at a recent conference here in Hong Kong concerning the legal situation of intersex and trans people worldwide, New Zealand stood out as a leader in the realm of affording intersex and trans* people a place.” And that’s pretty damn cool, but if there is anything we should take away from this discussion, it is that it takes more than wellmeaning policy to change the fundamentals of trans* existence. It’s hard to see if, in New Zealand’s case, politics and society are aligned. Unlike some cultures which make or have made dispensation for trans* people (of admittedly certain strains), like the Hijra of India or the Kathoeys of Thailand, where there is a historical precedent for trans* people as a prominent part of society, we don’t have a culture where trans* people are particularly visible, Georgina Beyer aside. We’ve managed to construct a language that delineates the human experience into a few images. Language gives people a tool to oppress, intentionally or otherwise, and as such the struggle of trans* people remains for the foreseeable future mired in the repeated demand for recognition. Change in the case of language might never come, anyway. King says that “...it’s very hard to engineer language change... You can sometimes

We’ve managed to construct a language that delineates the human experience into a few images. Language gives people a tool to oppress, intentionally or otherwise, and as such the struggle of trans* people remains for the foreseeable future mired in the repeated demand for recognition. kick off the use of a new pronoun or honorific, but then hegemony can take over and it ends up being used as a weapon against you.” Some trans* people have moved toward the use of new terms of reference for either themselves or people like them. The difficulty with this, King rightly notes, is that “if new pronouns are ‘invented’ or ‘revived’ to refer to intersex and tran*s people, if they don’t have mass recognition, they won’t last long. A name that means nothing to most people is hardly a name. This doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, but it makes it very challenging.” So, realistically, there isn’t a recipe for making things better. As trans* people individually muddle through a befuddling miasma of unfriendly language, the best people can do, as friends, family, allies, or even just as people with the most meagre

modicum of respect for others, is to try to deal with their identities on their own terms. The “two ticks” campaign initiated during the last census by activist group the Queer Avengers, whereby people were encouraged to tick both ‘male’ and ‘female’, was a grassroots attempt to force trans* people into public and political attention. In a fit of the most absurd irony, such action resulted in Statistics New Zealand inferring the respondent’s ‘gender’ through the other answers they give on the form. In many ways, that’s a fitting metaphor for the lives of many trans* people: they live in a culture that broadly refuses to acknowledge their identities, while the language they speak enforces this erasure. So, as King reminds us, “the struggle continues”.

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GENERAL ELECTION

S CLOSE THURSDAY 19 SEPTEMB N O I T A N I ER NOM

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SEVEN AND A HALF INCHES OF THROBBING INSECURITY What does it mean to be a man? By Woody Allen Does it mean anything at all? Does it mean you should buy a cane from Just Men Gifts? Does it mean your beard, your dick, or the fact that you identify with that dick? Does it mean you should delete your Pinterest, or take fewer selfies? Does it mean you should work out more? Does it mean how you act in bed, or how you act around other

guys? Does it mean you should know how to change a spare tyre, or throw a proper punch, or beat Half-Life in less than 12 hours? Does it mean you have to stop listening to Drake? In four hours, I will have been a male human for 21 years. Other than age, I’ve accomplished several of the supposed markers one needs to reach manhood, from missionary coitus to the

construction of a freestanding object. I will be, I suppose, a Man. I’m unsure how to feel about this. Part of me embraces this whole ‘masculinity’ thing wholeheartedly. Competitive? Check. Hairy? Check. Aggressive? Check. I like reading about gory war crimes and mocking my guy friends when they suck at stuff. At times, I’ve idolised both Hemingway and my father. There’s a Kings of Leon album somewhere in my iTunes. Whenever behind the wheel, I pretend I’m Ryan Gosling in Drive. I’ve gone to gigs with around five girls in the audience and absent-mindedly

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speculated that this means things will get a little rowdier. Once I even tried to punch a guy. But then, my father just called to wish me happy birthday, then asked what I was writing about. “Masculinity,” I replied, to which he chuckled, then said, “Well you sure know a lot about that!” Roughly half the people I meet assume I’m gay. I never know how to take this. I should be offended, but not for myself. Homosexuality does not equate with femininity or lack of masculinity—it equates with liking people of the same gender. That doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of gay dudes who are effeminate to a degree, but there are plenty who aren’t too. Some of the most “hahaha let’s drive around the bays wasted m8” dudes I know bang other guys. As Raewyn Connell theorised in 1992, sexuality is often “disruptive and creative”, and can thus subvert what we think of when we think “dude”, but homosexuality is not intrinsically linked to personality. There does remain a stereotype which people associate with gay guys though, and I seem to fit into it.

other guys. Horny guys in packs are the worst. In other contexts, more abstract and removed from nature, like at uni or at a party, guys can seem stereotypically ‘feminine’—more into talking rather than doing, more in tune with the feelings of those around them. People who I meet in these contexts are invariably the ones who assume that I’m gay. This could be interpreted as our biological imperatives finally showing themselves, or just something we’ve been socialised to feel in certain situations.

dumbing-down feels entirely fake. “None of the ideas that I have ever been presented with of what masculinity, or, indeed, being a man, is have ever resonated with me, or empowered me.” Matt seems uncomfortable with this, like his masculinity is more put-on than simply felt. Many in academia agree with this assessment. It is, to quote sociologist Svetlana Ilyinykh’s summary, “a construct, a whole set of social ideas, attitudes, and beliefs as to what a man is supposed to be like, what qualities are attributed to him.” These ideas don’t come from biology, but from an opposition to femininity: to be a man is to not be a woman.

As society matures, and women are openly sexual too, the ‘forever alone‘ and ‘friendzoned‘ tropes emerge, fully formed in their opposition to women having sexual agency.

Which, to be clear, is nothing to complain about. I’m a mostly straight, white cis dude from a country with free healthcare—it doesn’t get much better than this. But it is kind of interesting. * * * Masculinity, like much to do with gender, is complex and hard to pin down. Is it just the natural qualities that come from possessing a dick, or a product of culture? Is it ‘boys being boys’, or a hegemonic system that encourages self-doubt, inequality, and violence? You never know with nature versus nurture. Guys seem much more ‘masculine’—assertive, instinctive—when engaging in very biological acts, from fucking to hanging out with a large groups of

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Context-specific masculinity is everywhere. I asked another dude we’ll call Jeremy whether he talked differently around guys and girls. “Oh, definitely. I guess I’m more informal with the guys; I’d, uh, use words like ‘cunt’ much more.” Was this the more ‘authentic’ him? “It’s a different kind of authenticity. It’s just adapting certain types of your personality to certain situations. I mean, I think I’m more authentic around girls in some ways, because there is no need for any suggestion of ‘bravado’ or competitiveness.” Did his masculinity come to the fore in bed, too? “Totally, 100 per cent. Bottom in the streets; top in the sheets.” Another guy, who we’ll call Matt, talks like a bro to his bros, and hates it. “In my view, that is an attempt on my part to rid myself of parts of my own personality in order to… what? Integrate with the wolfpack? Be accepted?” Matt dumbs down his articulation, heavily, because “most ‘men’ are boys. I think that is the problem.” This

A binary framework certainly explains where so many masculinity tropes might come from. If women are the ones expected to have emotional outbursts, then men must remain stoic and calm. The two emotions women were encouraged, are still encouraged, to hide—anger and lust—are the ones men are expected to exhibit, like rabid dogs. As society matures, and women are openly sexual too, the ‘forever alone’ and ‘friendzoned’ tropes emerge, fully formed in their opposition to women having sexual agency. Jeremy certainly sees some elements of performance and construction within masculinity, but thinks this interpretation is a little simplistic and offensive. “Like, biologically there are different hormones.” He cited a study which showed that transsexual people’s brainwaves strongly represented the brainwaves of the gender they identified with. “It’s kind of galling, for someone who gender is really important to, to just tell them that it’s all a construct. It’s just finding out what these innate things are that can define your gender.” * * * Masculinity is terrifying. It’s terrifying to be a part of, it’s terrifying to have it imposed on you, and it’s

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terrifying to be a victim of. As a sweeping whole, masculinity encourages boys to become fucking monsters, every single day. It makes gay teens not like themselves and straight teens not like them either; it encourages the strong base of misogyny on which the patriarchy is built; and it is arguably the cause of a whole host of wars. As a whole. Of course, not every guy who sees himself as a total dude is a misogynistic shit. But masculinity screws with guys on a more subtle level too. Guys lag behind girls at school like crazy, despite having essentially equal cognitive ability, because of their behaviour. 65 per cent of New Zealand children in Reading Recovery are boys. 31.8 per cent of boys fail NCEA, compared to 25.7 per cent of girls. Jeremy thinks he would have done better in school as a girl. “There is more systemic pressure on girls to do well. I used to just like, wag classes I didn’t like, and I felt like I got away with that kind of stuff more because ‘boys will be boys’ or whatever.”

out anger were happier. The trick, writes Atlantic columnist Leah Sottile, is getting angry in the right ways—she suggests loud, aggressive music. Jeremy sees parts of his masculinity as useful, even positive. “I think impulsiveness and independence can be really good [...] it helps with confidence and can be real self-affirming.” The problem comes when these traits are reserved for, or pushed upon, guys and guys alone. “I think if traits seen as masculine were opened up, that would be real positive.” And this makes a lot of sense. People are complex and different. To divide the huge range of human traits into two categories is as lazy as it is offensive. We should all be as feminine or

Swanson, Walter White—all pure distillations of masculinity, taking control of their lives. These are independent and assertive men; men of action and emotional distance. And who does society hate? Their nagging wives. If, as the academics proposed earlier, masculinity correlates with femininity, then a certain resurgence makes sense. Women have come on in leaps and bounds in the last half-century— nowhere near far enough—but things are certainly better. Masculinity has lost ground, and it’s responded with vile force. Masculinity attempts to code it under reasoned argument in public. It’s “protecting girls from themselves”, or decrying abortion as murder—but the message is there. Online, free of coding, you see threatened males respond with more clarity, with “Male Rights Activism”, or anger towards “feminazis”. There’s a less-hateful resurgence too—the ‘man cave’ movement, the fetishisation of bacon—but masculinity is definitely fighting back.

We should all be as feminine or masculine as feels comfortable—or any mixture of the two. But we aren’t.

Author Hanna Rosin points to this, and other factors, as the beginning of The End of Men. “The attributes that are most valuable today— social intelligence, open communication, the ability to sit still and focus—are, at a minimum, not predominantly male,” she asserts, pointing out that three-quarters of the jobs lost in the US recession were men’s. “The postindustrial economy is indifferent to men’s size and strength.” Rosin is hyperbolic, and men still make millions more than woman for no good reason, but she has a decent point: I’ve been hired by a woman in every job I’ve ever had, and playing up my femininity has always helped. Which isn’t to say that every part of masculinity is inherently negative. Taken as parts, you can appreciate certain qualities on their own. Everyone can get behind a fair bit of resilience and ambition. Even anger is useful in it’s own ways—a recent study by the Hebrew University of Jerusalem found that people who allow themselves to get really angry were happier overall. In fact, people who sought

masculine as feels comfortable—or any mixture of the two. But we aren’t. * * * A decade or so ago, masculinity was ‘changing’. 4000 think pieces were penned, often with advertising for traditionally feminine products such as moisturiser aimed at males as their evidence. If I was writing this feature then, I’d be using the term ‘metrosexual’ all the time. I’d mention Seth Cohen, and perhaps even ironic masculinity. Then it all kind of died down. ‘Metrosexuality’ felt more like a buzzword for marketers than something any real people were really identifying as. The fact that moisturiser still has to be marketed differently to each gender is telling.

‘Metrosexuality’ was invented as a marketing term. Advertisers— even the ones fighting for worthy causes—have followed the trend back into ‘real men’ advertising. ‘Real men’ drive safely. ‘Real men’ buy Mammoth Ice Cream. ‘Real men’ don’t hit women. And hey, if these campaigns work, then you can’t really complain. If we need to be given a gold star and a pat on the crotch to stop blatantly inhumane acts, then Jesus, perhaps we deserve that level of condescension. But ‘real men’ don’t do anything. Real men are imaginary. Napoleon was fucking short. Hemingway couldn’t handle how good Fitzgerald was. Biggie Smalls seriously considered suicide. Don Draper cries like crazy. Your dad is insecure. Being a man doesn’t mean anything at all. Being a human does.

Just take a look at our zeitgeist’s favourite characters. Don Draper, Ned Stark, Ron

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IT’S SAFER TO BE AT SUMMER SCHOOL Get a head-start on Semester One 2014 by taking up to 60 credits at Summer School. Classes start 18 November 2013. MASSEY.AC.NZ/SUMMERSCHOOL OR CALL 0800 MASSEY (627 739)

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No Laughing Matter By E and Jessica Legg. All survivors of sexual violence are entitled to their own experiences, responses and beliefs. This piece is our expression thereof. Sexual violence is not often talked about as an issue in society, but jokes about rape are commonplace. When the stand-up scene regularly places rape as the punchline of jokes, you could be excused for underestimating how many people sexual violence affects—in New Zealand, one in three women and one in ten men have been subjected to it.* You will know (perhaps unwittingly) people who are survivors of sexual violence, and you will know people who have inflicted it on others. Jokes about sexual violence lead to the normalisation of ‘rape culture’, and have an adverse effect on survivors.

Given that the most common reason for not reporting serious sexual assault at university was found, in one study, to be that the victim felt ashamed or embarrassed, it's evident that a rape culture still exists. 43 per cent of survivors also thought they would be blamed for what had happened, and one in three thought they would not be believed. Another example of rape culture is that we are taught to not let ourselves be raped, rather than to not rape. Subsequently survivors can find themselves asking, "Was this my fault?”, to which the answer should always be “No”—but sometimes it's hard for survivors to see that.

Sexual violence isn’t something only survivors need to face up to, just like homophobia can’t be dealt with solely by the LGBTQ community and poverty can’t be eradicated only by the poor. We can all do things to help keep each other safe from sexual violence and support people who have experienced it.

The perpetuation of rape culture through jokes that use rape as a punchline normalises rape and degrades the impact that rape can have on a survivor's life, because the jokes turn something horrifying into something laughable. People have debated whether or not there can be such thing as a ‘good’ rape joke, which sheds light on just how stupid the assumptions of Rape culture distorts reality by victim-blaming and rapists and rape culture are. Comedian Louis sexual objectification—one of E's friends called her C.K. managed: "I'm not condoning rape, obviously—you should never rape Bringing up something so anyone. Unless you have a reason, like if you want to fuck somebody and they won't For E, rape jokes give her awful, just for a cheap laugh let you." A good rape joke turns the flashbacks of her rape. Hearing rapist into the punchline rather than for those who have not been people laugh at one of the most the victim. The problem is that the traumatic things to happen in her subjected to sexual violence, person making the joke can’t tell if life raises bile in her mouth; her there is a survivor in the audience, gut reaction is to vomit. She feels isn't fair to the blameless particularly given how pervasive objectified when people show that sexual violence is and how little we they are interested in her sexually. survivors who have endured it. talk about it; nor what effect the joke The idea of people finding her sexy will have on the survivor. Bringing repulses her much of the time. up something so awful, just for a cheap laugh a “slut” when she told her what had happened, and For Jessica, both of the people who have for those who have not been subjected to sexual another one said: “Well he probably didn't realise sexually assaulted her laughed at her violence, isn't fair to the blameless survivors that you meant it when you said no”. afterwards. When people joke about rape, who have endured it. Rape culture also perpetuates the myth that she can remember distinctly the laughing Rape jokes remind E of how dirty she felt, sexual violence happens far away, to other faces of those men, and the shame she felt. having spent hours sitting on the floor of the kinds of people in other places. Sexual violence Sometimes, when people make rape jokes, her shower trying to scrub her skin clean, and happens in flats, at parties, in town and on post-traumatic stress disorder gets worse. After how the man who raped her didn't remember campus. It also perpetuates the myth that rape a comedy gig where some of the performers her name, but had the gall to call her “baby”. only happens to cisgendered heterosexual made rape jokes, she couldn't sleep, and spent For Jessica, it's hard to deal with the results of females. At the Tauiwi and Bicultural Sexual the next day unable to study or attend classes. sexual abuse. It's not hard for other people to Violence Prevention Hui earlier this month, Rape culture is sometimes defined as anything refrain from making a joke that wasn't funny in a male speaker in his 50s explained how, as we read or hear or see that perpetuates the the first place. The bolstering of rape culture a teen, he had been raped by a woman. The existence of rape: rather than viewing rape as through rape jokes means that it's harder for first time he told anyone, their response was: a problem to change, people in a rape culture survivors to get the help that they should never “You lucky bugger.” Because men always think about the persistence of rape as 'just the have had to get in the first place, because the want sex, right? And women, with their way things are'. Almost everyone understands rape should never have occurred. 'feminine caring instincts', could never rape. It’s that rape is horrific and would never consider counterproductive to assume that all men are *According to a recent Te Tauiwi Prevention Project themselves as perpetrators of rape culture, but rapists, all women victims, and ignore everyone publication funded by the Ministry of Justice. laugh at rape jokes regardless. who doesn’t fit these categories.

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VUWSA

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INTERNATIONAL WEEK 2013 16TH - 20TH SEPTEMBER

A week-long festival celebrating all things international

16th

International Rep Group Launch Monday, 5pm Ve n u e : S U B M e e t i n g Rooms 1&2, Kelburn

19th

International Film Night Thursday, 6.30pm Memorial Theatre In association with the Film Society

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17th

19th

AIESEC Amazing Race Tu e s d a y , 1 1 a m – 2 p m Campus Hub In association with AIESEC Victoria

Mexican Dance Performance Thursday, 11.50am Tim Beaglehole Courtyard In association with the Latin American & Spanish Club

18th

20th

I N T E R N AT I O N A L FO O D F E S T I VA L We d n e s d a y , 1 1 a m - 2 p m Tim Beaglehole Courtyard

Fr e n c h P o t l u c k a n d Film Night Fr i d a y 6 p m – 1 0 p m SUB Meeting Rooms 1 & 2 In association w i t h t h e Fr e n c h S o c i e t y 27

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y l d l o b “To r e tt e l a go”: t s o l e to th girls By Katherine McIndoe

To the lost girls, My name is Katherine. I’m a girl, just like you. I have grown up in New Zealand, and I go to university. Ever since I was little, I have had this feeling that I can do whatever I want to do, that my future is not my fate but something that I can choose. I see no obstacles, only opportunities. No one can force me to do anything that I don’t want to do, no one can tell me how to live my life. I am my own person, and I am happy. Your lives have not been so lucky. For you, there were no opportunities, only obstacles. No excitement at the idea of an unknown future, only hopelessness. You have suffered more than I can possibly imagine, and the difference between us? None. There is only a similarity: we were all born girls. For me, it’s just part of who I am. For you, it was a death sentence.

This is a letter to the lost girls of the world. I’m writing to the girls whose lives are taken as babies because their families don’t want a “useless” female child. I’m writing to the girls whose childhoods are taken from them in the form of trafficking, forced prostitution, and forced marriage. I’m writing to the young mothers who die all too frequently in childbirth, whose deaths are preventable and pointless. I’m writing to the girls who are denied sustenance in times of hunger, while their brothers are given the scarce food. I’m writing to the girls who are beaten in their own homes, and whose governments don’t

recognise their right to safety. I’m writing to the women and girls who die from HIV Aids, contracted after they are sold, coerced, and tortured into the sex trade. I’m writing to the girls who have acid flung in their faces for perceived insubordination and faithlessness, and to those who douse themselves in gasoline and set themselves on fire to escape institutionalised domestic abuse. I’m writing to the silent girls, the voiceless girls, the lonely girls, and the lost girls—and there are more every day. Nobel Prize-winning economist Amartya Sen told us in 1990 that over 100 million women are “missing” from the world, and today, 2 million more vanish every year. Throughout Asia, the ratio of men to women is disproportionately high (in Pakistan, for example, there are 111 men to every 100 women). This sort of disparity belies biology and reason, given that in many places women are proven to live longer and healthier lives. There is a huge gap where, logically, millions of women should be. But they are not there. Where do these women go? The simple answer is that these “lost” girls go missing because of gender discrimination. Every year in China, 39,000 baby girls die before the age of 1 because they are denied the same medical attention as baby boys. Sex-selective abortion, too, is a common practice that contributes to skewed sex ratios. Globally, maternal mortality is responsible for the preventable death of one woman per minute, and widespread trafficking of women and girls also robs communities of their women. And for those who make it through early childhood, normalised

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rape, sexual assault, and domestic violence await many girls as they grow up—or example, 21% of South African women are raped by the age of 15, while a woman or under-age girl is raped every 20 minutes in India. This is “gendercide”, an undeniable, calculated attack on the women of the world, and it needs to be addressed. Undoubtedly, the only way that humanity can address it is if we “boldly go”. This requires us to display something abstract and intangible—courage. Courage, to me, is at the crux of any true societal change, because problems like gender inequality are not easy to solve—they require us to be bold enough to ask difficult questions and to acknowledge awful truths. The fact that so many girls are being lost to gender discrimination is utterly wrong. Every once in a while, when the world’s leaders come together, the “gender issue” is raised, and these statistics are read and sighed at. Undoubtedly, nearly every person who reads about the preventable death of babies or the sexual assault of young girls is disgusted and saddened, and rightly so. And yet strangely, gendercide—one of the most shocking, widespread, and fatal examples of discrimination in history—is not front page news every day. It takes a particular incident, like the horrific rape and murder of a woman on a bus in New Delhi in December 2012, to raise international interest. So the problem is twofold: firstly, women are treated as inferior all over the world, and secondly, this violent form of discrimination is so commonplace and ingrained that it is enormously difficult to make society see it as the emergency that it is. In the face of such inertia, what we need is courage, passion, and a willingness to confront unflinchingly things that we would rather ignore. We can’t be measured and reasonable, and we can’t drag our feet, claiming that a problem of this magnitude demands distant solutions decades down the track. We have to be unreasonable, we have to be angry, we have to be uncompromising, and we have to be bold. The time has passed for incremental, unhurried development: there is a need now for courageous action. We need to go boldly in the face of those who accuse us of naivety, shout down all those who laugh at our idealism. Yes the “gender issue” is ingrained, multi-faceted, hugely problematic—but that is precisely why it must be addressed urgently. Frankly, I don’t think that it is naive or ignorant to suggest that we hurry up and start fixing it. There are some bold people endeavouring to do just that. Maria Bashir, a prosecutor in Afghanistan, goes boldly in the face of death threats to herself and her family in order to fight corruption and the degradation of women

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in the country she loves. She fearlessly prosecutes those guilty of crimes against women, day after day, because she knows that courage and a single-minded refusal to back down are the strongest possible tools in the fight against institutionalised discrimination and violence. Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani schoolgirl shot in the head by the Taliban on her way to school in 2012, exercised her right to education and continues to do so with bravery and pride, showing the world that she is not afraid and her voice will not be silenced. Edna Adan, a lifelong advocate for women’s health, campaigns for the abolition of female circumcision and pours her own resources into the maternity hospital that she built in an area of her native Somaliland devastated by civil war. She fights for safety and adequate healthcare for girls and mothers because she refuses to accept any violation of women’s bodies and the preventable death of so many women. She is unflinching and uncompromising, and her courage saves lives. These women truly epitomise what it is to be bold. One hundred million women are missing, if not more. Millions of women who did not have the chance to be bold, who can no longer raise their voices in bravery and defiance. However, it is not these women—those who are the victims of violence or assault or trafficking—who are not being brave enough. It is the rest of us, those who have the opportunity, education, and freedom to use our voices without fear of persecution and violence, who need to be bold on their behalf. We need to be bold so that they, and we, can live in a world where girls don’t need to be so brave, where there is no gender discrimination for us to fear.

I’m sorry that the only thing that separates you and me is luck, an accident of birth. I’m sorry that you were not cherished as the extraordinary girls that you are. I’m sorry that there are hundreds of millions of you, and I’m sorry that your numbers continue to grow. The poet Carol Ann Duffy wrote about a poker game between some tough women, figures drawn from history and literature. She describes how, even as these women played their game and made their moves, standing behind each was “a line of ghosts unable to win”. You and your predecessors are these ghosts, these women standing behind us as we hold the cards. But it’s time that you won. It’s time that your silent screams were heard and acted on with the courage they merit. It’s time that we go boldly, so that you are the last girls to be lost to your families, communities, and the world.

Katherine McIndoe was the senior prize-winner of the Royal Commonwealth Society 2013 essay competition, beating over 11,000 entries from 55 Commonwealth countries and territories. McIndoe, a 19-year-old Victoria student, will be flown to London to accept the award.

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a cherry disposition

By Mark Felt Discussing my virginity and experiences with it is not as straightforward as it might seem: virginity isn’t really an experience—it’s the lack of sexual experience. I didn’t necessarily intend on ever getting to this position; that is, being a 22-year-old virgin in my fifth year of study. It is one I’ve reached by default, which will make more sense when I explain some other things. On virginity itself: well, I don’t have sex, my friends know about it, and it isn’t an issue for me—it’s something I’m comfortable about. There is, of course, more to it than just that, so I’m going to look at things from a slightly wider angle and tell you how I got here. First of all, I’m not from a religious background, although that does get asked when my virginity gets raised. I rejected religion at a relatively young age. When I was first sent to a private school as a nine-year-old, I came home upset after going to chapel, telling my father that I didn’t want to go because I didn’t believe in God. So this is certainly not a tale of someone waiting for marriage. My romantic history is limited. I've never had a proper girlfriend—at most, I've seen a couple of girls for a month or two, with that being the end of it. I ended it with the first girl; the second time around it was her decision. While I would like to have a girlfriend, I don't want to have just any girlfriend. Instead, I'm after that kind of person you may only come across once a year or so, where you get a feeling that you can't replicate with just anyone. The type of feeling Emily Blunt's character describes in The Adjustment Bureau; “But once I felt, even for a moment, what I felt with you. You ruined me. I didn't want to settle for less.” I'm happy to wait for someone

like that. My virginity, as the default position, is inevitably intertwined with that. Around the time peers began to be sexually active at the end of high school, I decided that I didn't want to rush in and have sex with anyone, and instead wait for someone who meant something for me. I came to this decision after conversations with older friends, who shared the sentiment that you can only have your first time once, so you might as well do it with someone that means something to you.

Around the time peers began to be sexually active at the end of high school, I decided that I didn't want to rush in and have sex with anyone, and instead wait for someone who meant something for me. So my virginity at this age has more resulted in being the default position for not wanting to have casual sex and being prepared to wait and be picky. This does result in wider issues that perhaps would not be present if I were sexually active. My singledom, coupled with my dress sense and haircut, lead to questions regarding my sexuality. Discussing my sexual history with girls I'm interested in is never easy either—it's not so

straightforward to communicate. The thing is, I imagine once I’ve found the right person, we’d probably have sex maybe a couple of months into dating. It’s not like I intend on having one sexual partner for life. But it’s hard to strike the balance when communicating my values and where I’m coming from. On the one hand, I don’t want her to think I’m just looking for someone merely for the purposes of losing my virginity. But I also don’t want them to think I’m waiting for my soulmate, which has been assumed in the past. It also becomes a sticking issue, as there are usually prior sexual partners, and the roadblock of virginity is usually not expected. I have been told by one girl that it was an issue for her. This doesn’t concern me though—I see these things are self-regulating. The right person would respect my decision rather than criticise me for it. Issues also arise in other discussions, such as kissing and cuddling being interpreted as meaning something more than just than that. A kiss is not a contract, even if it is very nice. Kissing and cuddling is also all I really desire doing physically with someone I do like. So what is my grand statement? There isn’t one really. I’m here because I’m waiting for the right person to lose it to and I’m yet to meet her. I’m happy to wait, and wouldn’t want it any other way. While I may have felt some peer pressure over this in my first year, accusations around my sexuality and interesting reactions to my decision, in the end, I’m happy with where I’m at and comfortable enough with who I am for these things not to faze me.

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like a virgin By Virginia Lone Wolf I’ve never had sex. If you’re after a sound bite, being a virgin is like not being a virgin, except if you’re out and Like a Virgin plays, the dance floor’s the Colosseum, everyone else is a lion and you’re the Christian. It's probably fair to say that being a virgin at 21 is kind of old. The other week, I got a stock letter from the doctor’s nurse saying: “Hey, you’re probably old enough for regular Pap smears now, right?” Well, I’m certainly old enough, but go take a long walk off a short pier. Let me dispel the assumption that I made a historical decision not to sleep with anyone. I’ve made a series of chronological decisions not to sleep with certain people. You know those decisions, right? You’ve actually made them yourself. I reckon the ~~period of initial interest~~ with someone new is the only practical difference of still being a virgin. You’re thinking, however hard you’re trying not to, about not just whether you want to sleep with them or spend more time with them, but whether you think it’s going to be a thing if you tell them you’re a virgin, or whether you should even tell them at all. The correct response is, “Well, if they’re weird about it, it sounds like they’re not that great of a person,” but, you know, sometimes you don’t get the response that I'm going to go out on a limb and say you deserve. If you’re open with people about not being sexually experienced (as I have been and as I think it makes sense to be), your words often end up misconstrued as: “Sex is a relatively big deal for me and I want you to commit before you hit dis.” It’s a strange conclusion, and although virginity perhaps exacerbates it, I don’t think the initial unscrambled message

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is specific to virgins. It is essentially, “I like you a lot, and I would prefer it if you didn't just run off afterward.” Seems fair, right? The flipside of this mistranslation—that “virgins get attached”—is something that hopefully you've never had to deal with. It's balls, because—in an ugly truth—people attach before the fact. The idea that it’d happen instantaneously upon penetration is ridiculous, as is the idea that someone who’s already had sex won’t attach. Similarly, I resent being told

when I eventually lose it, I will invite everyone I know to a party where the guy in question will be glad-wrapped to a chair on high in the corner under a banner that says: “MAIDENHEAD FOISTEE” that the attachment I’ve felt is less valid because it wasn’t accompanied by sex. Heartbreak is not the same thing as penis nostalgia. Yet another missed thesis opportunity. I’m told I simply must ‘put myself out there’ and experiment with anyone that takes my fancy. After all, I’m young and awesome, I’ve got the time and the inclination, and judgment is just something I can sass my way out of.

Sweet—thanks. What might have been equally reassuring to know at 18, though, is that if I only wanted to sleep with someone I knew well or wanted something more serious with, that'd be fine too. It’s been easier to believe for the last few years that I was hanging on to something outdated or being prudish. Noone’s ever said those things to me, though, so I guess I worked a lot of it up in my head. People are sometimes surprised if I tell them that I’ve not had sex. (This is for a variety of reasons—because I often talk about sex, because I use the Socratic method to flirt with 70-year-old lecturers, or because I make virgin jokes so often that they’re just surprised I thought they didn’t know.) I suppose I get surprised when I hear that other people haven’t, because I sort of figured it was just me. Assume nothing about people’s sex lives. Don’t assume that they are a virgin, or that if they were that they’d want to keep it or lose it. Some people are really quiet about it. Others are not. They could both be equally secure or insecure. I’m fucking insecure about it. Why else would I tell you that when I eventually lose it, I will invite everyone I know to a party where the guy in question will be glad-wrapped to a chair on high in the corner under a banner that says: “MAIDENHEAD FOISTEE”? Why else? I have absolutely no idea what you will (or possibly can) take from this. Just know that when you’re talking about sex in front of me, I’m either listening intently trying to pick up tips or deciding whether to chip in with a comic second-base anecdote. I hope you are all having just as much sex as you want, with people that make you feel good about yourself both in flagrante and the rest of the time. A word to the wise, though: the withdrawal method is only going to work with NZUSA.

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body languish By Alexandra Hollis I can’t remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was in Year 3 the first time I was called fat, by a boy much fatter than me—they start ‘em young on the double standards in upper-middle-class Wellington suburbs. If I recall correctly, I was drawing a picture of a seal. There was a comparison made. This was in 1999, so a) I was dressing like it was 1992 and wearing corduroy, and b) if you adopt this boy’s mentality (I certainly did), I’ve been fat for an entire millennium. Judging by the state of my arse, that’s not changing anytime soon. Except, I’m not fat; I’m a completely average size 12. Even as an admittedly chubby seven-year-old I’ve never been obese, or even overweight; I just have body fat which is distributed in varying thickness across my body. You know, like a person. So it’s ridiculous that I would (and have, and do) adopt this mentality just because some kid who couldn’t even draw a seal if his life depended on it said something to me once, and I went to a high school where like half of my year became models. Of course, it’s totally fine to be fat. I know this, objectively. It’s just that, currently, there’s this voice running through my head which goes, “It’s okay to be fat, but it’s not okay for you to be fat.” Because we’re taught, as women, to be sexual objects above all else, to be desirable to men above all else, and we’re taught that the way to do this is to look either like Beyoncé or Gwyneth Paltrow. If you don’t, then you’re failing some vital tenet of womanhood by not being a manic pixie dream girl and/or only shaving your legs biweekly. To quote the venerated internet sage @hostile_goose, “getting real tired of occupying a physical form.” That’s not to say that men, or people of other genders, don’t get insecure; the day I meet someone who has always been comfortable with how they look is the day I accept the

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imminent rule of our alien/robot/cyborg overlords. (After doing my darndest to get into the pants of said alien/robot/cyborg/perfect specimen of humanity please where are you I’m so available.) But, like almost all things in life, because I’m a feminist and because it’s the truth, women get it worse. The litmus test of societal misogyny lies in the rom com, and you only have to look at Knocked Up–era Seth Rogen to see the double standard. Chubby guy gets with traditionally hot girl and no one comments, except to maybe high-five the guy on his ‘conquest.’ If Melissa McCarthy, Rebel

I have no idea how to get liberated. I’ve run around Brooklyn Park naked with five other people and I still don’t think I’m there Wilson, or Gabourey Sidibe were in a rom com with Ryan Gosling, the entire film would be one endless fat joke insinuating that she’d somehow ‘tricked’ him into being with her. Actually, that’s the plot of Shallow Hal. While fatness and obesity are vilified throughout society (you know how we almost deported a South African chef for being overweight? Yeah.) it seems to be a (sorry) bigger deal when it comes to women. When body-positive feminism comes along and tells beauty standards to fuck right off—they’re largely unrealistic, and damaging to the vast

majority of women who don’t fulfil them, but also potentially to the ones who do—I have to cheer. Especially since this branch of feminism is particularly intersectional; beauty standards are most often based on white, cis, women, which fails to take into account the huge variety in the shapes and sizes of women’s bodies. It’s a form of liberation, which some women achieve by refusing to kowtow to pressure to change the way they look, and others by exercising and dieting until they feel they’re happy with their bodies. The governing philosophy is: fuck you, I’ll look how I like. Personally, I have no idea how to get liberated. I’ve run around Brooklyn Park naked with five other people and I still don’t think I’m there. I still feel like it’s pretty arrogant to love my body, or to even suggest that it could one day be a thing I’d possibly consider. We’re constantly told that our bodies are too fat, too thin, too young, too old, too fertile, too infertile; any hint of pride in myself seems like the most massive act of defiance, which I’d rather save for my quarter-life crisis. But that’s bullshit. Much as I like to, once a month, throw my hands up into the air and cry “MY BODY HAS BETRAYED ME!!!!1!!!1!!!” before quickly reassuming the foetal position, I really don’t have much right to hate my body; I’m healthy, able-bodied, young, cisgendered, white. My body hasn’t betrayed me. It’s just doing its thang, and doing it pretty well, regardless of my input. Getting deep for a second, but, in the great cosmic scheme of things, it’s frankly remarkable enough that you’re alive to have a body, regardless of what it looks like. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, then fuck ‘em figuratively and potentially punch them literally. Loving your body is something we should all be working towards. It’s also a totes subtle euphemism for masturbation.

FEATURES • ϟ

't flickin bean

By Steph Trengrove Among the downsides to having a vagina (periods, hello?) there is one faithful saviour, that comes (pun most definitely intended) in the form of the clitoris. That wee gem contains 8000 nerve endings just waiting to rock any girl’s world—that’s more ammo for orgasm than guys have packed away in their beloved schlongs, and everybody knows how much they love to play with those. Why, then, is there this weird discomfort surrounding the idea of flicking the bean? It is a widely accepted fact that men spend disproportionate amounts of time, wang in hand, fapping furiously, and subsequently congratulating each other on their manliness. Conversely, the idea of a woman daring to touch her own box is regarded as smutty and embarrassing; very few women will admit to it, let alone take pride in it. Granted, women’s masturbation habits are probably never going to make acceptable dinnertime conversation. Nor should any woman ever be deprived of the right to keep her fingering habits to herself, should she so choose. However,

the skewed perception of female masturbation prevalent in our society is unhealthy and outdated. In this day and age, it shouldn’t be a shameful and dirty topic, only ever discussed after several wines at a particularly outrageous girls’ night. From the outset, having to refer to masturbation as ‘female’ masturbation is both a symptom of and a reason for this blatant double standard. Creating a separate subcategory for women reinforces the idea that female masturbation is abnormal. It implies that masturbation is a maledominated activity which I, for one, can assure you it’s not. Women everywhere, of all shapes, sizes, colours and creeds buff the beaver. And why shouldn’t they? For one thing, masturbation has been linked to several health benefits for women. According to studies, diddling the skittle can aid in building resistance to yeast infections; combating premenstrual tension and other physical conditions associated with menstruation such as cramps; improving insomnia through hormonal and tension release; relieving chronic back pain; improving cardiovascular health; and lowering the risk of type-2 diabetes.

For many women, masturbation can also be a means of empowerment. It signifies that they are not dependent on a partner to find pleasure and satisfaction—they have ownership over their own bodies and the freedom to explore and experiment, discovering what they enjoy on their own. Plus, it is one of the most natural things that a human—male or female—can do. And it feels good. Really, really good. The way in which female masturbation is portrayed in popular media often reinforces the idea that it is acceptable for men to masturbate, but women who indulge in a little self-lovin’ are abnormal. A talk show titled ‘Talking With: Women Who Masturbate’ is one example. As one YouTube commenter pointed out, no one would ever host a segment about men who masturbate. The very idea seems ludicrous because it is accepted that men will wank and wank often; they are almost encouraged to do so. The same acceptance and encouragement does not exist for women. In movies too, the inequity is prominent. Film critic Anne Billson was asked by the The Guardian to cite any mainstream films that she could

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ϟ • FEATURES

think of featuring women masturbating or the appearance of a vibrator. The only one that came to her mind was Parenthood, in which a ‘torch’ located during a power cut transpires to be a vibrator. Cue intense embarrassment for its owner. “Conversely, on the male masturbation front, [she] quickly rounded up Ben Stiller's jism in hair shot for There's Something About Mary, Vince Vaughn jerking off as he spies on his victim in the remake of Psycho, and pretty much all of the dysfunctional male characters in American Beauty and Happiness.” The idea even permeates popular vernacular. In the highly reputable source that is Urban Dictionary, there are screeds of alternate terms for male masturbation: ‘buffing the banana’, ‘yanking the crank’, and ‘siphoning the python’ to name a few. There are decidedly fewer for female masturbation, and these are mostly then defined as something that a man does to a woman rather than what a woman does to herself. The double standard when it comes to male and female masturbation is also related to other, wider issues, such as the disproportionately high levels of sexual dissatisfaction in females. As women are not encouraged to investigate their own vaginas, they have less of an opportunity to find out what brings them pleasure and sexual fulfilment. Only 25 per cent of women consistently reach orgasm through heterosexual vaginal intercourse. Masturbation, or lack thereof, is linked with this, as women typically reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, which will usually happen during masturbation. Basically, if you don’t know your way around your own box, your partner hasn’t got a shitshow of figuring it out either. Another issue is that of the degradation of female sexual empowerment, and a sexism of sorts. When it comes to heterosexual couples, the taboo surrounding female masturbation can contribute to the idea that women can only get off courtesy of a man. Dr Petra Boynton, a psychologist who has studied the depiction of women and sex in the media, believes that women traditionally fill the role of nurturer in the bedroom, and that this causes difficulty in adjusting to the monomaniacal pleasure that masturbation offers. Boynton’s view is that most women still see sexual activity as something done in order to

pleasure a male partner, and that "women don't have the strategies" to attain pleasure for themselves. Admittedly, there have been significant advances made in the way that society views female masturbation. Women everywhere are reclaiming their right to their vaginas, and demanding a greater acceptance for female masturbation. Salient spoke to Haylee Paige, Sales Assistant at D.VICE Wellington, who believes there has been a “significant” change in views on female masturbation. She said that people have become a lot “more open to it”, as evinced by the “DVDs, books, blogs and shows about it” that now exist. “It’s like women [have] realised what they are missing… We have seen evidence of this through… the fact that we have a lot of women from 16 to about 70, maybe older, coming in and buying our products,” says Paige. She admits, though, that it is an issue that many female customers, particularly the older ones, are still overcoming.

An app entitled ‘Happy Play Time’ further serves to break down these walls. This app encourages women to touch themselves regularly, by providing anatomy lessons and techniques demonstrated on an anthropomorphised vagina, and through doing so tries to “free the world from a silly social stigma”. But, there is still a long way to go in the fight for masturbation equality. So take up your vibrators; flick your beans with pride. No more should women be denied the gloriousness of orgasm while men spend their lives in glazed-eyed bliss. When the mood strikes, for the good of your lady bits, for the good of women everywhere; refute the shame, shrug off the silence and scratch that itch.

“[Customers tell us] about how they have never had a vibrator etc. and have always wanted to try them, but they were taught that masturbation is wrong. I did have a customer tell me that when she was growing up she was told not to do it; it’s wrong and dirty, and that she would go to hell.” But the means for women to overcome the taboo are becoming increasingly

els And it fe ally, e r . d oo g ood really g

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varied and widespread. Just take Love Joule, a recently established bar in the Shibuya district of Tokyo in which “dildos and vibrators sit side by side with liquor bottles”. Love Joule functions as a “safe zone” where women can talk freely about masturbation without fear of embarrassment or social stigma.

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Secret Diary of...

MILEY CYRUS By Penny Gault Dear Diary, I’m taking a few minutes out for myself at the VMAs after-party to record what’s going on. I’m, ahem, dancing with Molly, so who knows where things will go. I want to remember this night forever though. The night I became the next Madonna. I’ve had a bit of time to reflect on my performance tonight. I didn’t plan it; I just went with it. It’s the VMAs, you know? The bar was already set pretty high, what with Madonna and Britney kissing that one time. MTV told me to push the envelope, and I think it will pay off once everyone calms down a bit. I’ve gotta admit, though, I don’t really understand why the girls in the ‘Blurred Lines’ video didn’t get much flak for strutting around in flesh-coloured underwear with a foam finger like I did. They even got their boobs out! I mean, they were my inspiration after all. I guess it’s one thing to bop around looking comatose like that when a guy tells you to, but another to act of your own volition and with a cropped ‘do and boyish figure.

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Dad initially seemed unimpressed after the show. I thought he was disowning me when he turned around and said, “You can tell the world you never was my girl.” But I realised he was just singing ‘Achy Breaky Heart’. Then he smiled and cracked a classic dad joke—“Looks like you really blurred Robin’s lines in that striped suit he’s wearing!” and I knew we were cool. Terry Richardson approached me tonight, and asked if I wanted to collaborate on my next video. He said ‘We Can’t Stop’ showed a lot of potential. Potential for nudity, probably. When I told him that my next single is called ‘Wrecking Ball’, and is about being emotionally torn apart, his eyebrows hit the ceiling. “I’ve got just the plan,” he told me while licking his lips. “What if we started with some emotional nudity? We could show fans another… side of you.” I’d kind of been thinking more literally, so I told Terry I was hoping the video could feature an actual wrecking ball. “Oh, I’ve got a good pair of wrecking balls that I can show you.” He grinned, and I started practising my tears for the video. Everyone here tonight is shocked by the

things I did on stage, and the content of my ‘We Can’t Stop’ video. Twitter’s going mad and reporters keep calling. I think the criticism directed towards me is a bit misguided. I’m not single-handedly to blame for the current state of pop culture. I don’t see anyone pointing the finger at Pitbull for his bad white suits. I guess it must be pretty confronting to see everything that’s popular mashed up into a four-minute video, and realise what a state society is in. But hey, don’t shoot the messenger. 2013 is my year, I can almost see it. That dream I’m dreaming. I can no longer promise that the next time we hang out I will redeem myself. I’m giving new meaning to my best friend Lesley’s words when she says, “Oh, she’s just being Miley.” I’m starting to think about where to from here. What would Madonna do? Maybe I’ll spank a twerking dwarf. In Germany. Anyway, better get back to it. Snoop’s calling. I can’t wait to see you again. Love, kisses, and tongue, Miley xoxo

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Rant

Shit My Dad Says

By Hugo McKinnon My father is recently retired. His hobbies include: reading gruesome stories out loud from the Daily Mail, trying to find out where the beeping noises are coming from, and identifying mystery smells. My mother avoids him by playing online Scrabble with a bariatric surgeon in London. “It smells like cooking,” he said sometime in July. He had in fact just been cooking, so it did smell like it; I observed this cause and effect and told him so. “No no no, the whole house smells like cooking even when I haven’t been.” I guess what perturbs him most is that the house doesn’t have a consistent track record of smelling like cooking, and he’s been there 20 years. My mother and I agree: the house has never had the tendency to play aromatic practical jokes, but neither, so we think, has it developed it now. We thought it would go away, like many of his fleeting discontentments. But on the cooking smells he’s persistent, and may try to convince you of their existence at any moment. It’s like he’s seeing ghosts, but more culinary. You might be brushing your teeth, only to be startled by the apparition of him in the mirror behind you. — Curry. — No thank you, I’ve just had one. — Can’t you smell it? — Is it minty? — No.

— I’m afraid not then.

night to find him polishing the silver.

— Get your mother in here. — You do it.

Anyway, all the cooking is now done outside—spaghetti on the barbecue, curries behind the shed and up a tree.

— No she thinks I’m mad.

— Would you like anything for breakfast?

Mrs McKinnon enters the bathroom.

— Oh, just a bowl of cereal.

— Dad can smell curry.

— Let me just pop down to the end of the garden to get that for you.

— He’s mad. — He knows. — I’m not mad; I know you think I’m mad but that doesn’t make me actually mad. I think he secretly enjoys the detective work it involves, whether the smell exists or not. He’s the kind of person who likes having opinions about things he doesn’t know anything about, especially food. — Tomatoes are getting cheaper, but don’t buy the Australian ones, they’ve been X-rayed. — What’s wrong with X-rayed tomatoes? — I don’t know, but something doesn’t seem right about them. Besides which, they’re Australian; what would you be doing with Australian tomatoes? Emails from my mother, 19 August. 8.06 pm: D is still convinced cooking smells are lingering in the hall. I suppose he is right… does it matter? When you come home you can let me know what you think. 10.43 pm: He has washed the curtain that goes over the front door in case they are stored within. One time, she awoke in the middle of the

— But muesli doesn’t need cook— — The smell, Hugo, the smell! By the way, did you hear about that baby who drowned her own mother? — She must’ve had an Australian tomato. For better or worse, I’m turning into my father. In fact, it may have happened already. We bond over lumps in our ears and wind in our stomachs. In the corner, Mrs McKinnon lets slip a wry smile, having just scored 95 points in Scrabble. When I’m home, we frequently bump into each other wandering the house in the early hours of the morning. Then it really IS like seeing a ghost, only it’s in pyjamas and turning the kettle on. I might have an affinity for smells too. While on a family holiday many years ago, I was convinced a putrid smell had followed us from Oamaru to Timaru. Dad got the motel to change all the sheets, and I accused my sister of having vomited. As it happened, I’d forgotten to shower.

'Weekly Rant' is a space for one-off opinion pieces. Want to write your own? Contact editor@salient.org. nz to run riot.

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LAYING DOWN THE LAW Harry Potter and the Prisoner of War: A Beginner’s Guide to International Law By Emma Smith

I’ve been reading a lot about Syria lately. And it’s been really really confusing—I’m about as well-versed in chemical weapons, rebels and dictatorships and Middle Eastern religious differences as Robin Thicke is in feminism. I can’t tell you whether we should be pledging military support to Syrian rebels, but I can try to demystify this concept of 'international law'—although even some international-law scholars are still a bit unclear on how it actually works. In the last century, we’ve developed this idea that although war is not nice for anyone, we can try to make it a bit less scary by regulating conduct—that’s where international law comes in (there are other kinds, but I figure Syrians don’t really care that much about the law of the sea or diplomatic immunity right now). There are two main ways that a country becomes bound by a rule of international law: they either sign up to it, or they just follow it because that’s what everyone else is doing. International treaties are optional to sign up to, which makes it pretty hard to use treaties to enforce any new rules. One international treaty that’s particularly important in the context of Syria is the Geneva Convention, which bans the use of chemical weapons. There’s an argument that countries who are party to the Convention should take action against the Syrian forces who used the chemical weapons. However, even when a country has signed up to a treaty, it’s usually not very clear what happens if it breaches a treaty obligation—often it’s no more than a few stern looks at the next international leaders’ conference or a bad report card from the UN. I like to think of the second type of international law as being like the unforgivable curses from Harry Potter. There are some things that most of us know are just not okay, like torture (crucio), slavery (imperio), or genocide (avada kedavra ALL the mud-bloods). Lawyers call these principles of jus cogens, which sounds like a spell, but is actually Latin for “compelling law” that countries may not breach in any circumstances. When a rule of international law, like the rule against torture or the use of chemical weapons against civilians, is breached, the question is how the international community responds. The problem is that we don’t have many precedents to follow, and we don’t have strong institutions to enforce the law—and in the context of civil war, the line between right and wrong is often blurred.

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hoopin' and hollerin' round $$$ix By Chris McIntrye

We find it easy to be amazed by sports. The nexus of physicality and grace, raw emotion expressed as brute force and deft skill, the payoff of decades of training—there is plenty to be in awe of. However, perhaps the most amazing thing about sports is money. It’s obvious that sport is driven by cash; just look at the way advertisers flock to brand stadia, jerseys, official team products, memorabilia. The All Blacks recently put the AIG logo square on the chest of the sacred black jersey, as part of a deal worth over NZ$80 million. While figures aren’t available for New Zealand, the Australian sponsorship market is worth about a billion dollars annually. Globally, the figure is around NZ$60 billion. And to think, this is sponsorship; something which exists around sport. What about sport itself? When such money is at stake, things get nasty. There’s barely a governing body which hasn’t been touched by allegations or proof of corruption—FIFA, the IOC, the IPL, the ICC, the EPL, the NBA; the list goes on. David Tua, New Zealand’s greatest boxing product, went bankrupt after dodgy dealings with a manager. People like to get rich, and attaching themselves to people playing games is a good way to do it. That’s not to say that the players themselves don’t do well out of the entire deal too: in fact, the opposite is the case. In the English Premier League last year, NZ$3,040,000,000 was paid to 550 players. That’s 50 kilograms of $20 notes. In US leagues, the salaries rise further: the NFL paid less than 1800 players over NZ$5 billion last year—NZ$2.9 million on average—while the NBA paid 400 players NZ$2.3 billion, or NZ$5.5 million on average. In the US, the highest-paid sports stars can expect to earn 750 times more than the average person on the street, and even the average wage for the four major leagues is 100 times the national average. Whether you think this is good or bad depends on your politics: philosopher Robert Nozick would argue that it’s not inherently bad that so few earn so much, given that they are paid these amounts because a large number of people are happy to give them money to watch them do what they do best. Since we can’t argue that it’s unfair people choose to pay small amounts to watch sports, we also can’t argue that the pattern this behaviour results in is unfair. At the end of the day, the players are just pawns in a larger system. While they become incredibly wealthy as a result of their skills, it’s because they are worth paying that much because of the revenue they generate for organisations, owners and sponsors. Next time you gape at how much so-and-so signed with their new team for, just think of the people who sign the cheques.

COLUMNS 

Things That Go Bump In The Night with Lux Lisbon & Seymour Butts

Sex: My Journey So Far By Seymour Butts When I was pretty young, I was aware that I liked looking at naked people. I used to read a lot of kids’ science books, and while some of them talked about human reproduction, they always skirted around the actual sex part. What follows is one of my proudest achievements: I asked my mum not, “Where do babies come from?” but, “How does the DNA get from the man to the woman?” My mother, flustered, gave me a useless child’s sex-ed book she had hidden at the back of the bookshelf, saved for an occasion which had no doubt played out differently in her head. I read it in secret over and over and over. We were on dial-up, and I unimaginatively went directly to www.sex.com, where my journey truly began. I spent hours and hours at a time scrolling through endless, slowly loading (straight) porn, totally mesmerised. I credit the huge swathe of porn with helping me realise I was more into dudes. I would find myself seeking out porn where the man was more visible, and slowly, terrifyingly, segued into gay porn. I started wanking before I was developed enough to come. I had a girlfriend early on in high school. We never had full-on intercourse, but we exchanged oral sex a couple of times, to little satisfaction on either part, but we managed fine with fingering and hand jobs. We made out a lot, and I was pretty sexually satisfied for a 15-year-old. A couple of weeks after I turned 16, I was

on a camping trip with friends, four in a tent. In the night, I made out with a guy whose sleeping bag was next to mine, and we awkwardly blew each other, but not to orgasm for fear of waking our tent-mates. We got up early and showered together, blowing each other under the water and jacking each other off. After the trip, we fucked in my bed while my parents were out for the day. The blow jobs he gave me were, in hindsight, poor (it was his first time with a dude too), but I came in his mouth anyway, and blew him, before he fucked me. Neither of us knew what we were doing, and he just shoved it in (with lube and a condom, at least)—he wasn’t huge, but it was very painful. I didn’t really enjoy the experience physically, but I enjoyed the fact that I was finally having sex, which mattered to me more. We only did it the one time before he assured me he was mostly straight and that this wouldn’t be happening again. My first boyfriend and I only had anal sex once, and it didn’t really work for us, but we had plenty of oral sex, and I think that is when I started to get halfway-decent at blow jobs. I was first-year, he was third-year. My second boyfriend and I also had more oral than anal sex. We did things I hadn’t done before, like rim each other, and I got more comfortable with anal sex, especially topping. I’d seen so much anal sex between men in porn, but that hadn’t prepared me at all for what to do in real life. He was a little more experienced than I was, and I learned a lot from sex with him. I didn’t really come into my own until my third boyfriend. The second time we had sex, he brought out a duffel bag full of sex toys, asking me whether I’d ever used

toys before. I had, with a cheap vibrator I owned, but never with someone else. It was only when dating this boy that I started to get actually good at sex. While at the start I think he was teaching me a lot, it didn’t take long for us to be exploring together as equals, each with our own strengths and weaknesses. We had a very honest relationship, with very good sexual communication. We bought sex toys together to save on shipping, tied each other up, fucked each other, had threesomes, and talked about sex easily and openly. I can honestly say I would not be writing Things That Go Bump in the Night if I hadn’t had these experiences. For the first time, I felt like I knew what I was doing. I finally believed people when they told me I gave good blow jobs (which they told me more often—practice makes perfect). Now when I went out into the world of queer boys and sexed them I felt, five years after my first time, like I knew what I was doing. I’ve played the role of teacher several times since, with more than one person saying afterwards that they hadn’t realised sex was fun. I still watch a lot of porn, but it hasn’t really taught me anything about sex. School sex ed sure as all hell didn’t teach me anything useful about sex with a man either. The overwhelming majority of what I actually learned about sex comes from people— from talking to them, from learning and teaching and experimenting with them, from trial and error. One-night stands, though they can be fun, have never helped me develop sexually in the same way a communicative, regular sexual relationship (not necessarily a romantic one) has.

Lux and Seymour are our in-house sexperts. If you've got any questions about all things

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with

love and lust, or a topic you want them to cover, go right ahead and ask anonymously

a professional, rather than Lux and Seymour, or Hector and Janet, Student Counselling

at ask.fm/LuxandSeymour. For everything else, there's Hector and Janet—our resident

Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free

advice columnists. Contact them anonymously at ask.fm/FixingYourLife

and confidential.

Phone: (04) 463 5310 Email: counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz.Visit: Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

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 COLUMNS

e f i L r u o Y g n i Fix

[BECAUSE OURS ARE WRITTEN OFF]

which blessedly requires very little in the way of research.

H+J, what is the best way to get my work into Salient? Love always, June.

HECTOR Hi June, Look, everyone asks this question like it’s some incredibly difficult goal. When I was in the tender position of awkward firstyear, I thought the same thing. A couple of people I knew at my hostel had written for the ol’ rag, but as far as I was concerned they had hit the lottery. Maybe they’d been discovered during a slam-poetry recital. Maybe they’d been sleeping with the editor. Maybe, maybe, maybe. My point is, everyone not involved with the magazine (my younger self included) seems to think that writing for Salient is like writing for SNL. Or... something a little bit less selfcongratulatory. In reality, it’s nothing like that at all. A difficult selection process couldn’t be farther from the truth. All you have to do is send an email to the appropriate person (you’ll find them on the inside cover). If you want to write features (or pitch your existing stuff), email the Editor. If you want to write news, email the News Editor. If you want to write arts, email the Arts Editor. I feel like this was covered pretty exhaustively early in the year, which would have been a great time for you to build a relationship with the people in charge, too. Then maybe one day you could be in the cushy position of advice columnist,

salient.org.nz <<<

The way I see it, though, the main issue is with courage. It takes a lot of pluck to up and email an intimidating figure like the Editors of Salient, particularly if you haven’t been at University for long. The fact that it’s really straightforward notwithstanding, I’d suggest that you just fire off an email to them right now. They’re probably a little strung out, given that it’s the last term of the year, but they’re honestly quite lovely people. A lot of strange folk come through the Salient Towers, and part of the job description is tolerance. They’ll be plenty nice to you so long as you obey normal social rules like not touching their elbows or playing with their hair when they aren’t expecting it. Send an email, get your name on a list, and then actually write things. I can’t emphasise that enough. Write. The overwhelming majority of people who call themselves ‘writers’ spend their days doing anything other than ‘writing’. They’ll call it writer’s block, or a lack of inspiration, or anything else, but that’s irrelevant. At the end of the day, you won’t be a writer (and you won’t get any better at it) unless you’re actually writing. Salient is a great way to do that, so pitch them articles, features, news, anything. Get your foot in the damn door and don’t stop pushing. Or, sub-edit. That’s just spellchecking, and it’s what the cool kids are doing these days. No better way to surround yourself with writer-types than to make them fear you. Enjoy the free pizza, Hector

JANET Hi June, Friends of my friends “did Salient”. I didn’t have the courage to offer to write for them of my own accord, but it didn’t matter, because early last year they suggested to me that I give it a try. I don’t think you should do that, though, because it’s too tenuous. Be assertive. (That’s the one in the middle, right, that’s not passive or aggressive? Yeah, be that one.) Isn’t this just a way of being able to practice something that you like, in a relatively low-pressure way, where you might not get around to doing it otherwise? Maybe you don’t even like writing, but you’ve slept with all your friends such that you need a new group that you can look in the eye? COME ON DOWN—we don’t do that here. See?! All you have to do is show up to the office a couple of times, say nothing openly racist, and you too can have your in-jokes put in print—but, you know, make some token effort to ensure they’re objectively funny. If you think Salient is too narrow or too niche or full of (not quite objectively funny) in-jokes, then you should shelve your supercool apathy and resolve to write something in it that you’d rather read. If you can’t be fucked offering an alternative, your critique loses a large amount of its sting. My last selling point, if that’s how you’ve read this, is that you really want to know which international porn star writes the Hector half of this column. Trust me. Janet

COLUMNS 

LIFESTYLES OF THE POOR & THE STUDIOUS By Julia Wells Puddings really are a glorious thing. In winter, they're up there with hot water bottles, open fires, mulled wine and blankets (and let's be honest, in Wellington it's still winter, whatever MetService or the calendar might try to tell us). In summertime, they're just a ball of sweetness and syrupiness, and what isn't great about that?

weet The S p Scoo

You have to be careful with puddings, however, because unlike a chocolate- or cream-based dessert, the pudding concept isn't inherently appealing. A giant lump of flour? With a few raisins in it? Frankly, it doesn't have me lying on the floor salivating with delight. This does, though. It's a good thing I'm writing this on a computer, so you can't see all the drool stains. The pudding itself is moist and very sweet, packed with dates. But the sauce is even better. Cream, brandy, butter and brown sugar, boiled together into caramelly alcoholly amazingness. Spell check tells me none of those are words, but you know what I mean. It's also far easier than most puddings. The pudding base is essentially a low cake, and so doesn't require any water-bath baking or, worst of all, boiling in a bag for three hours like traditional puddings. Anything that requires a concentration span that means you have to not-boil-something dry for several hours is very much beyond me. This bakes in half an hour, then you can eat it. Serve this warm, in a pool of its sauce. If you wanted to be super-fancy, you could bake it in individual ramekins (adjusting the cooking time down). As with all sticky date puddings, this is extremely sweet (don't say you weren't warned!), so serving in small slices with vanilla ice cream or cream on the side is highly recommended. Lastly, I'm sure you all have spectacular romantic skills, and don't need any food-related assistance in your pants-related endeavours, but 'sticky date pudding' does sound made for wooing. Just saying.

Sticky Date Pudding For the cake: 1 cup dates 1 cup water 60 g butter ½ cup brown sugar, heaped

1 egg few drops of almond essence (optional) 1 cup white flour 1 teaspoon baking powder

Preheat the oven to 180°. Roughly chop the dates. Place in a pan with the water and bring to the boil. Meanwhile, beat/cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Mix in the egg, essence, flour and baking powder. Lastly, add the dates and their cooking water, and beat until smooth. Pour into a greased oven dish, and bake until golden brown and cooked (about 30–35 minutes, but will change depending on dish size and shape).

For the sauce: 50 g butter ⅓–½ cup brown sugar

½ cup cream 1 tablespoon brandy (or to taste)

Bring to the boil together in a pot, then boil for another few minutes. Pour over each pudding portion.

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Health tip # 18

Heading overseas this summer?

AN APPLE A DAY

As Dr Seuss says “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” But if that direction is far and away, you may need advice to keep ailments at bay. At Student Health we offer quality travel advice and vaccinations, but it would be wise to plan ahead—at least 8 weeks prior to travel—as some vaccinations need time to complete a course. Costs may also vary, contact us for details.

Things Your

beer'd

All of these advantages kicked off the ‘craft

Grandmother Should Have Taught You

can’ revolution in the US a few years ago, and signs are that New Zealand is about to catch

The Can Revolution: Are You Ready? By Dylan Jauslin

up. Aro Valley’s Garage Project likes to be

By Alexandra Hollis

on the cutting edge of brewing, and as such has been the first brewery to make the move

If your holiday was anything like mine, you might be wishing you had a hangover cure around about now.*

Cans of beer have been associated with

to cans. From their small canning line they’ve

cheap, mass-produced lager and rowdy

put Pils ‘n’ Thrills, Angry Peaches, Smoke &

drunkenness for too long. The time has

Mirrors and Death From Above in cans.

Caffeine:

My pick of the four is Death from Above,

Don’t overdo the coffee. Your body is dehydrated, which caffeine will just exacerbate (although it is sometimes necessary). Caffeinated soft drinks help a bit more; they’re cold, sweet & bubbly. For a bit of the hair of the dog, check for leftover Diesels.

come for society to wake up to the virtues of wrapping your malt beverages in glorious aluminium.

an ‘Indochine Pale Ale’. Indo-Chinese

Detractors of canning beer often say it gives

mint, mango, and a touch of chilli all

the beer a metallic taste, due to it being in

meld perfectly with aggressively fruity US

contact with the aluminium. This argument

hops to make one of the most unique IPA

is no longer valid, as modern cans have an

experiences around. Look out for Garage

inner lining keeping the beer separate from

Project cans at bars and supermarkets now,

the metal. The reason your canned beer tastes

with four-packs planned shortly.

metallic is either because you’re drinking it out of the METAL can, or simply because your beer

inspired ingredients like lime, Vietnamese

The Garage seems to have kicked off an

is badly made. Neither is the fault of the can.

avalanche of craft cans. Leigh Sawmill

The advantages of canning are numerous.

line for their crisp refreshing pilsner.

The seam of a can is much better at keeping pesky oxygen out of the beer than crown caps, meaning beer lasts longer before

Brewery is reinstating their disused canning

New brewery ‘Hot Water Brewing’ (opening soon near Hot Water Beach) has ordered a

becoming oxidised.

canning line, and intends on canning their

Cans are 100-per-cent light-proof, meaning

in Christchurch is installing a canning line in

no chance of light-struck beer (that skunky

their new Wigram brewery, which should be

flavour you get from green-bottle lager in

up and running by early 2014. Harrington’s

direct sunlight). Cans also crush easily,

do a bit of packaging for other Christchurch

making them attractive for trampers and

breweries, so we may see others taking

boaties who have to carry back all their

advantage of their new toy.

rubbish. They are also lighter and more space-efficient, meaning freight is cheaper and greener—you can carry twice the beer for the same weight!

salient.org.nz <<<

entire range exclusively. Harrington’s Brewery

So rise up and rebel against the glass

Fruit/vegetable juice: Orange juiceeee. It’s beautiful, hydrating, and rich in Vitamin C. If you’ve never tried the Moore Wilson’s freshly squeezed OJ stumble on down this Saturday and partake in a li’l bit of heaven. Berocca: Ice, fizzy water, berocca: best mix ever. (Also a great study aid.) Greasy food: Eggs, bacon, onion rings. After a hard night out your body needs protein, so you're justified in needing to hide behind Maccas and sob into your Filet O'Fish. *Success not guaranteed. We know how hangovers can be avoided and we’re just going to avoid that fact.

overlords, and support your canning comrades!

ARTS 

ARTS Salient Arts Guide (feat. bearded singer-songwriters): 5 Stars: David Thomas Broughton, 4 Stars: Bon Iver, 3 Stars: Bonny Prince Billy, Stars: Iron and Wine, 1 Star: Alexi Murdoch, 0 Stars: Robin Thick(e)

music 

MGMT by MGMT ARTICLE

Elise Munden & Hugh Haworth

Elise = odd track numbers, Hugh = even track numbers. 1) ‘Alien Days’ – Shock horror, MGMT opens their new album with a childlike voice singing about “the place where the spirit was slain”. Yup, the band is still stuck in 1969. The relative stability of the rhythm and chord progressions tricks the listener into thinking that the album might be kind of normal, and serves as a pleasant and enjoyable song. 2) ‘Cool Song No. 2’ – This song, like the rest of the album, has some eclectic instrumentation— like MGMT looked at an encyclopaedia of musical instruments and decided to use everything in it. I’m not going to attempt to guess the source of all of these noises, but some of them sound like farm animals. Andrew VanWyngarden’s fairy-like voice lightly croons over the top. It feels like he’s talking to me telepathically. 3) ‘Mystery Disease’ – The fuzziness of the timbres in this song is reminiscent of Tame Impala; a comparison both bands are probably sick of. As the title suggests, the lyrics are quite dark, even scary at times, but this just makes its themes more alluring. 4) ‘Introspection’ – ‘Introspection’ is a relatively

conventional piece of music—the important word in this sentence being “relatively”. There are still weird wobbly sounds surrounding the simple harmony. But at least I don’t feel like I’m lost on a rainbow LSD ocean, with the firm ground of this pop chorus to stand on. 5) ‘Your Life is a Lie’ – The wannabe punkrock sound of this song is a cool idea. But the incessant repetitiveness of the drums sounds like a jackhammer pounding your eardrums MAKE IT STAHP MAKE IT STAHP. 6) ‘A Good Sadness’ – This is one of my favourites on the album—listen to how those textures build! I feel like I’m in a dream scene in a Hayao Miyazaki movie, robots have stolen the score to the soundtrack and they’re performing it in a cathedral. The distorted drums give the song an alluring bite.

9) ‘Plenty of Girls in the Sea’ – In a dramatic turn of events, MGMT get happy! Well, that’s what I thought before I actually read the lyrics: Buzz. Gone. Nevertheless, Andrew’s voice mockingly reassures his listeners to not worry about anything ‘cos everything sucks anyway, which is actually a fantastic life lesson, kids. One of the highlights of the album. 10) ‘An Orphan of Fortune’ – This song is introduced with interestingly jazzy drums before dropping into a live rock-beat that could’ve been played by Led Zeppelin’s John Bonham. Like, woah, listen to those motherfuckers. There is a moment of respite, and we hear a lone harmonica. We are light years away from the electro-pop duo who wrote ‘Kids’.

7) ‘Astro-Mancy’ – Trippyyyyy duuuuuuude. Unlike track five, the prominence of the drums is not aggressive but actually rather soothing in this song. I suggest listening to it in the dark. 8) ‘I Love You Too, Death’ – This song doesn’t use the hard, semi-distorted drums that dominate much of the rest of the album. Instead, it uses what sounds like pots and pans. VanWyngarden’s voice is hidden deep within a kaleidoscopic soundscape. The song crescendos, and we hear Beach Boys– like harmony before the song drops away, leaving us challenged and slightly numb. DEEP.

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 ARTS

books 

li twit ure By Alexandra Hollis THE NORTHERN LIGHTS

Hungry and Frozen by Laura Vincent review

Eve Kennedy

As my friend said when she first opened this début cookbook by Wellington food blogger Laura Vincent, “My! What a beautiful book!” First and foremost, this is a very pretty cookbook. It boasts old-timey patterned paper and wellphotographed home-cooked food—I'm going to put my copy on the coffee table rather than on the cookbook shelf ! The recipes in this cookbook are a veritable mélange of courses and food types, with brunch, weeknight dinners, late-night dinners, feasts, weekend projects, and sweet things all getting their own heading in the contents page. There is also a two-page spread of ideas for toasted sandwiches. Although initially unconvinced by the idea, this section is perhaps my favourite of the book, along with the ice cream and sorbet. The food is hearty and contemporary, and definitely achievable by anyone with an ounce of nous in the kitchen. Nothing is particularly technically difficult, yet the recipes are neither boring nor uninspiring. Vincent does a remarkable job of selling us a foodie lifestyle that I at least dream of achieving. She also likes to put

a quirky spin on traditional dishes; in particular, she has a tendency to cook sweet dishes as savoury meals and vice versa, such as the savoury cheesecake with a base of crackers and walnuts and a filling of halloumi, the beetroot tarte tatin, and the cheese brownies. We made the savoury cheesecake and it was tasty, although I personally would have added more halloumi (because too much halloumi is impossible, let's not lie). The base was a tad crumbly, but that could be me fudging the butter quantity. This would make a good cookbook to give your foodie younger sibling for their birthday, or for your mum to get you for your flat to inspire you to stop eating so much mi goreng/baked beans/toast. Bear in mind, however, that there are plenty of recipes that feature relatively expensive ingredients like fancy cheeses, so it's perhaps not ideal for a student budget. Vincent doesn't pretend to cater to the beans-and-toast kind of student, although she does introduce the book with an anecdote of her life as a poor, frozen and hungry student (hence the title). The introductions to the recipes are interesting and cheery; she has a very amiable persona. The food is tasty without being too complicated, but it’s not an Edmonds cookbook; there is nothing boring here. Purchasing the book would be a good investment in an exciting Kiwi foodie talent.

@lyralyrapantsonfire: omg @LordAsriel your #tokay has been poisioned!!!1!!! @LordAsriel: @lyralyrapantsonfire whaaatt?? That’s not #tokay :( @LordAsriel: Recent findings from the Arctic confirm the presence of Dust in adults, + a city in the sky & the dismembered head of #StanislasGrumman @JordanCollege: @LordAsriel wot u on about dude @Ma_Costa: My son #Billy has been taken by the #Gobblers!! Please RT!! @stephenfry @justinbeiber @barackobama pic.twitter.com/tFBP0ASuMy @lyralyrapantsonfire: omg the #gobblers have got @rogeringaround!!!! @MrsCoulter_GOB: @lyralyrapantsonfire Lyra… want to move to London with me? ;) @JordanCollege: @lyralyrapantsonfire we’ll miss u!!! Btw have this super rare #atheliometer (KEEP IT SECRET KEEP IT SAFE). Luv ya girl! @lyralyrapantsonfire: Omg @MrsCoulter_GOB is the best!!! @lyralyrapantsonfire: Omg @MrsCoulter_GOB is the head of the #gobblers!!!!! @faa_out: Please RT. The #Gyptians are going to the #Arctic to rescue our children from the #Gobblers. Help us get there! https://www. pledgeme.co.nz/1088 @lyralyrapantsonfire: so turns out @LordAsriel and @MrsCoulter_GOB are my parents??? #whaaat but lol going 2 the #arctic @bearlyarmoured: my #armour was #stolen. Pls RT & help me get it back! http://instagram.com/p/ eIzwsxutKR/ #armour #nofilter #fucku @lyralyrapantsonfire: @rogeringaround u @ #Bolvanger?? @pantastic: #angst #angst #angst omg @MrsCoulter_GOB: @lyralyrapantsonfire Lyra my <3 I’ll save u!!! @lyralyrapantsonfire: @MrsCoulter_GOB lol no. Getting a lift w the witches. @iofury: @lyralyrapantsonfire lol no ur my prisioner @lyralyrapantsonfire: @iofury lol no i’m here 2 b ur daemon @iofury: @lyralyrapantsonfire 4 realsies??!!?! @bearlyarmoured: @iofury lol no @LordAsriel: @lyralyrapantsonfire hey kid thanx 4 saving me. gonna take ur friend & kill him tho. Laterz! @pantastic: #angst

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ARTS 

visual arts 

Lucy Meyle

INTERVIEW

Simon Gennard

Upon disclosure of their practice, the zine-maker will usually add a postscript explaining that a zine is a self-produced, self-distributed, small-run publication. A couple of years ago, this met with either enthusiasm (to quote my flatmate, “When I found out, I was so happy that they were a thing that existed”) or veiled derision (to quote my sister, “But what’s the point?”). A more recent development is the emphatic eye-roll, followed by a, “Yes, I know what it is.” The language of the zine is slowly entering our vernacular. Evidence suggests the zine has been earning notice of late—the seventh annual Wellington Zinefest will this year be held in a larger venue to accommodate demand. Wellington City Library’s zine collection has moved from a badly lit corner near the escalators, to a prime position in the centre of the library floor. To some zine-makers, however, it seems there remains an onus to legitimise the medium, underlined by a continuing difficulty in titling oneself. ‘Zine-maker’, though I have used it here, is a clumsy term. ‘Author’ implies that the zine fits comfortably within a literary tradition. And ‘artist’, to some, feels aggrandising to apply to a medium that encompasses anything from photocopied, typo-riddled Marxist rhetoric, to pictures of cats, to carefully hand-bound works of art.

validated itself within institutional settings. Bryce Galloway, whose long-running zine Incredibly Hot Sex with Hideous People has just reached its 50th issue, submitted his Master’s thesis on the project, and now lectures at Massey, and with a NZ Post Book Award nomination this year, Hue & Cry, which begun as a humble literary and art journal, is fast establishing itself as a legitimate publisher. The rate of ascension appears to be accelerating. Meyle, who attended her first Zinefest in Auckland last year has noticed “a change in the participation—there are definitely more artists and more independent publishers getting involved”. The medium has retained its flexibility, however, meaning artists can showcase work without “having to rely only on the internet or the gallery system”. It allows the artist both to be frank and open, or to efface themselves. “I'm quite secretive as well, so making publications allows me to make work, release it, then forget about it a bit. The accessibility and portability of small publications is also attractive—knowing that people have it in their homes, in the bookcases, in the kitchen, is really exciting to me.” Having historical precedent as unpolished and amateur, the medium allows for

greater experimentation. Meyle confesses she “never really [knows] what [she’s] doing”. Ideas can be underdeveloped, mistakes overlooked; for the zine is not produced for critical acclaim or marketability, and there is no prescription for what a zine should aspire to, what it should look like, or what it should say. This levelling of the playing field means that work as accomplished and effortlessly dense as Meyle’s can sit comfortably alongside the humblest of content. Which is not necessarily a bad thing—without a set of pre-existing conditions defining what is good and what is not, the zine-maker’s output is allowed to be judged according to each individual reader’s criteria. Meyle is currently working on a couple of new comics: “One is sort of about tools, and one is about close-ups. Those both sound super-boring, but they won't be.” Her zines are available from her website (lucymeyle.com), or from Matchbox Studios (166 Cuba St).

Artist Lucy Meyle, whose beautifully finished studies of the relationship between language and image, interior and exterior, through use of elliptical narratives and diagrammatic figures are earning her well-deserved attention (in July she won Auckland Zinefest’s Best of the Fest award), sees this precarious position as stimulation: “I'm interested in making work which sits within and between the traditions of poetry/literature ('high' art) and comics/zines ('low' art). There is a lot of room to play with the things people expect (narrative arcs, character development, visual codes), and do not expect (unfulfilling arcs, fragmentary narratives, disrupted codes) from those mediums, within a form which most people have the ability to engage with easily.” The zine has, over the last half-decade or so, Porn Flowers - Lucy Meyle 2012

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 ARTS

film 

Web Series

review

Chloe Davies

Web series are probably one of the best forms of entertainment on the internet. Anyone with wit and a camera can go out and make one and post it on Vimeo. High quality meets low budget! So much freedom of expression! Long enough to hold interest and provide some plot, but not too long that they are a massive time-suck. I’ve listed five of my personal favourites (all of which happen to be be comedies set mainly in New York; that city is extraordinarily fruitful when it comes to cultural references and romantic backdrops), but there are certainly many more gems out there. Most can be found by googling the title. Now go forth and laugh. Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, 2012– present – Jerry Seinfeld is back, bitches, and he’s still got it. I’m not really sure what it is, but there’s something. He has combined his love of cars, coffee and funny people in a web series. He picks a comedian up in a vintage car and takes them out for coffee, where they basically just have a conversation. Some super-snazzy and successful comedians have been featured: Alec Baldwin, Sarah Silverman and Chris Rock, to name a few. I’m tempted just to list them all because they are just that good. Also interesting for the daily life insight into the lives of famous people. Delusional Downtown Divas, 2009

Salinger

review

Directed by Shane Salerno Review by Elise Munden

It seems counterintuitive to make a deeply probing and personal film about a man who was determined to avoid the media. But apparently this didn’t occur to the creators of Salinger, a biopic/documentary which explores the life of writer J. D. Salinger, and also tests the boundaries of how far creative licence can stretch. In more accurate terms, the film doesn’t just ‘explore’ the life of Salinger. While no documentary can ever be completely objective, the insistence of the filmmakers on overdramatising every detail of Salinger’s life results in somewhat

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– Created by Lena Dunham, the series satirises the New York art and fashion world. Chronicling the adventures of the overprivileged Oona Winegrod (Lena Dunham), Swann Smithers (Joana D’Avillez), and AgNess Defrank (Isabel Halley). They fancy themselves as artists, and are hungry for art-world stardom. Full of aspirations, but with little will for actual work. They are extremely entitled and utterly delusional, meaning there are laughs aplenty. Be warned though—once you have watched one, it’s hard to stop. But it's totally worth staying up until 3 am for. Tight Shots, 2007–2008 – Again created by Lena Dunham (she's just so bloody talented), this series follows six friends (with Dunham playing a version of herself) and their attempts to make a movie (written by Dunham) about a young girl's sexual awakening in the deep South. None have ever actually been to the deep South, except Lena (she went to Florida once). Featuring all the Dunham classics: awkward sex, privilege, and charming/hilarious realism. It's also worth noting she made the series when she was 20. God damn.

It's more character-driven, and done with the utmost sincerity. The lives of the characters are just so real. Each episode sort of feels like a short film, with no lack of top-quality laughs, or babes for that matter. The Oh, Hello Show, 2008–present – Gil Faizon and George St. Geegland are two 50-something Upper West Siders, divorced and in awe of Alan Alda. Created by comedians, Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, The Oh, Hello Show is oh so funny. An affinity for tweed blazers, turtlenecks and inappropriate conversation, along with the occasional dose of casual cocaine, makes for exceedingly entertaining and somewhat addictive watching.

High Maintenance, 2012–present – Created by husband-and-wife team Ben Sinclair and Katja Blichfeld, both of whom worked previously on 30 Rock. The show follows an unnamed 'weed guy' and the lives of the (usually stressed-out) New Yorkers he sells to. Although it's a show about a pot dealer, the drugs aren't really that important.

forcing the audience to buy into their narrative of him being an almost monstrous person. Some scenes even feature a silhouetted figure (an actor playing Salinger) standing in front of a red screen on a stage with frantic violins yelping in the background. What is this, an NCEA Level 1 Drama assessment? The great effort evinced by the directors to impart this notion of a dark, sinister man only had the effect of reducing him to a few basic and primitive emotions. One of the most problematic aspects of the film was the reluctance of the editors to, well, do their fucking jobs. It was impressive to see such a depth and breadth of research having been carried out on the subject matter, but much of this research was repetitive, excessive, and at

times completely convoluted. Salinger may be an intriguing and evasive personality, but the two hours worth of compacted details about his life could easily have been cut down to include only the most compelling and factual arguments. Even worse than this, it was never made entirely clear why there were opinionated cameos from such actors as John Cusack (eternal babe, by the way), Philip Seymour Hoffman, or Martin Sheen. But despite the many, many downfalls of this film, the good news is that brand-schwankingnew writing by Salinger is due to be released in 2015. WOOP.

2/5

ARTS 

music 

AM by Arctic Monkeys

review

love them back? Probably. But dammit, almost everyone can associate with those feelings, and that’s what the core of their appeal is.

What's on Film:

Elise Munden

Some girl must have seriously broken one of the band members’ hearts, because they are MAD. While the Arctic Monkeys have never been a particularly chirpy bunch, at least their earlier albums had a cheeky and endearing sense of humour. Their latest recording unfortunately seems to have lost some of this former sass. In the words of popular vernacular these days: AM is “bleak”. However, said bleakness is not necessarily a bad thing. While these lyrics might not thrill me the way they used to, their storytelling style of meandering through vivid memories and experimenting with existential postmodernism in an almost Hamlet-like way still remains the same. Am I giving them too much credit for their whining and moaning about girls who didn’t

As for the music that accompanies the lyrics, the band seems to have ‘matured’ a lot. The frenetic electric guitar chords that usually characterise their sound have been stripped down to include only the most necessary strums. Yet the basslines are just as catchy as ever, and the prominence of such lower tones perfectly compliments the darker, broodier themes that dominate the album. Finally, Alex Turner’s voice. He really is believable when he sings about being sad/lonely/ nostalgic/regretful/drunk/high. As per usual, I was seduced into wanting to be that girl who fixes all of his problems. Oh the perils of being single.

Ruggles of Red Gap - Wellington Film Society. When: Monday 16 September, 6.15pm-7.50pm. Where: The Paramount Theatre, 25 Courtenay Place. Ticket price: Members Free. Membership available at the door. 12-month membership: $95, 3-film membership: $33 Earthquakes on Film. When: 17 September - 22 September. Where: The Film Archive, 84 Taranaki St, Te Aro. Ticket price: Soul of Zen: $10, concessio: $8. When A City Falls: $8, concession: $6. The Newest City on the Globe: free

3.3/5

Books: Writers on Mondays: The Next Page. Emily Perkins introduces new writers– Charmaine Thomson, Raqi Syed, Morgan Bach, Matt Bialostocki, Gay Buckingham, Kirsten Le Harivel, Rachel Kerr, Kevin O’Donnell, Viv Smith, and Linley Boniface– from the IIML’s 2013 MA course. 12:15–1:15 p.m., Te Papa (Te Marae, Level 4). Tracy Farr, The Life and Loves of Lena Gaunt book launch, hosted by Dame Fiona Kidman. Saturday 21 September at Mighty Mighty, 5 – 6:30 p.m.

Music: Fly My Pretties ‘Homeland’ Tour. Opera House, Wednesday 18 September. $65 New Presets album Pacifica release on 17 September. MISC: New Zealand Improv Festival - BATS Theatre, 17-21 Sept. 14-36 Dollars. 17 Performances by Improvisational Theatre Troupes over five wondrous days

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 ARTS

Perfect

Hangover Cure? Or essential

Study Aid?

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PUZZLES 

PUZZLES

va rie ty pu zz le s & CR OSSWO RD by pu ck — AN SW ERS NE XT ISSUE

'Keeping an Eye on Things' - DIFFICULTY: hard 34. Not a specific one 35. He might be a stand-up guy? 39. Mental capacity, slangily 42. Fabric from caterpillars 43. Ghost 44. Puts up, as a monument 47. Put a stop to 48. “___ Regina” (“Long live the Queen”, in Latin) 49. Cocktail made from whiskey, vermouth and bitters 53. Jynx or Articuno, for example 55. Pasta also known as risoni 56. Teenage skin woe 57. Fighter in a South African war 58. Naming word 59. After dark, in advertising 60. Hedwig, for one 61. Literary governess Jane who falls for Rochester

ACROSS 1. “…as a bug in ___” 5. Team that might play the Miramar Rangers, for short 8. Tub 12. ‘Pie ___’ (well-known Requiem part) 13. Felon, for short 14. Not in a harbour 15. Part of a church 16. Shelley poem with the line ‘Look on my works, you mighty, and despair!’

18. Name synonymous with inkblots 20. Greek ‘s’ 21. Split up 22. Monty with a circus 23. Ones who fluff your hair up 26. One of the elements in brass 27. “Do it again!” 28. Group whose six members can be found reading across this puzzle 32. Abbrev. on a nutritional label 33. Alley ___ (basketball shot)

DOWN 1. Open a crack 2. ‘___: The Genetic Opera’ 3. Asian bloc until 1991 4. “Seems like it” 5. Author Courtenay 6. ‘The Secret of ___’ (animated film with rats) 7. Thurman of ‘Pulp Fiction’ 8. It might make you scratch 9. Breathe ___ of relief 10. “I love you,” in Spanish 11. ___ ibn Ali (Islamic figure who was Muhammad’s grandson) 13. Drug kings 16. New York City airport 17. Timberlake’s old band 19. ‘Believe’ singer 22. Place for trading or an

orchestra 23. S-Class car, for short 24. Option on an edit menu 25. Nigerian prince email, probably 26. Hit with a taser 28. Came in first 29. Kwik-e-___ (Apu’s store) 30. ___’acte (intermission) 31. Place near 16-Down that has a 22-Down 33. Wood for wine barrels 36. One who’s on the run 37. “Same here” 38. Them, in French 39. Milwaukee Braves Hall-of-Fame player Warren 40. Flat-topped rock formation 41. Nail polish remover 43. Mexican mister 44. Posh water brand 45. Christina of ‘Black Snake Moan’ 46. Word after gala or premiere 47. Humpback creature? 49. Catcall? 50. War featured in The Iliad 51. Côte d’___ (French Riviera) 52. Zero 54. Pluto, Makemake, or Haumea (abbrev.) – now that Pluto isn’t a planet any more

LAST WEEK'S SOLUTION

QUIZ 1. Is newly elected Australian PM Tony Abbott for or against gay marriage?

6. Who won this year’s US Open men’s singles title?

2. What is Lorde’s upcoming debut studio album called?

7. True or false: English author Virginia Woolf never married.

3. Who is the current captain of Argentina’s national rugby team?

8. Who plays Princess Diana in the new film about her life?

4. Tip Top announced last week that it would reintroduce which variety of iceblock?

9. How old is Nelson Mandela? 10. What is Russia’s principal river?

5. Which country has said outright that they will support a US military strike in Syria?

Answers: 1. Against. 2. Pure Heroine. 3. Juan Martín Fernández Lobbe. 4. The Strawberry Toppa. 5. France. 6. Rafael Nadal. 7. False. 8. Naomi Watts. 9. 95. 10. The Volga.

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ve u' me z yo ga g.n w r r no you t.o do et ien o G l a t t e? ha g t s w pa e a d s le hi lin zz d t on Pu e y ish pla fin nd a on

ď ? PUZZLES

TARGET

n a e

r g p d n e

Target rating guide: 0-15 words: do you even go here? 16-25 words: alright 26-35 words: decent 36-50 words: PRO 80+ words: free drink

Androgyny Behaviour Cisgender Construct Culture Dysphoria Expectation

Female Feminism Fluid Gender Genderqueer Genderless Identity

Intersex Male Neutral Pan Politics Role Self Perception

Society Social Role Spectrum Transgender Trigender

SUDOKU difficulty: easy

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difficulty: medium

difficulty: hard

LETTERS 

letters letter of the week

win a $10 voucher for the hunter lounge

Plus, one cat for every student?! What a waste of resources. Dogs would be better. Enjoy being a mouthpiece for Young Labour, Rick Cross.

not the hero labour deserves... Kia Ora Salient I know I have the same chance as a huhu grub exposed from the wood of the mighty totara in the midday sun of winning the labour leadership, but I felt Salient needed more extended metaphors. You see if you are in this race, it is important to run it to the finish, right to the end of the track, and to compete, because a silver medal is better than none.Thank you for reading, the Mahi goes on! Shane "Tight Fist" Jones

THE UNIVERSITY WON'T CONDSIDER IT—NOT EVEN ONCE Dear Salient, I've been watching Breaking Bad and I'm really stressed out. Is it possible to change my music degree to something more useful like METH101? I heard it wins Oscars and provides a sustainable yet dangerous living for my family. Fondly, W.W.

not the hero labour NEEDS...

WHAT a GENDER CONSTRUCT To The Salient,

He-hello Remember me hahaha. Strumming my guitar, saving poor people in Africa, holding up dead fish in parliament hahaha. Look, ummm ahhh, I gave it my best shot, and ummm ahhh, I thought it was the right time for me to go, for the umm ah good of the labour party. David "Got Fleeced" Shearer

THE CLAWS ARE OUT

Reggae-lient, Mek me regale ya wit a likkle story bout I an' I. Now me no dat me nah kom from Jamrock, bot dat nah mean dat me nah a natty dread rastaman, ya nuh see? Jah see an' no dat all de isms an' skisms nah mean no ting. Weda we Jamehkan or nah, we all rasta bwoy an' gurl if we limin' and jammin' an' skankin' to de bass, we all share de irie roots an' kolcha of Mama Afrika. Wanlov, an' hail Jah Rastafari, Buffalo Souljah.

BLOW ME DOWN You naughty girls! I heard that you still will not condemn the street prostitution that is destroying our communities in South Auckland, despite it not really being an issue, and your magazine being in Wellington! I am very dissapointed in you!

G - Great for discourse E - Everyone is a part N - Not accurate all the time D - Deadly serious E - Evanescent R - Real life real

Asenati Blow-Me Taylor!

There was no ‘s’ for social construct… Disappointing

Hello there, people being written a letter by me, David Cunliffe. This morning, as I woke up on my 10,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, I thought how lucky the Labour Party was to have me, David Cunliffe. After flexing nude in the mirror for 45 minutes, looking at how superb my junk looks in the reflective glass (future prime ministerial cock and balls!), I reflect on what I, David Cunliffe, can do for the people of New Zealand. I was just writing to you to let you know how great I, David Cunliffe is, and that I went to Harvard. I am smarter than all the other 120 MPs in Parliament,a pity none of them like me :( David "Silent T" Cunliffe

Bye!

Dear Salient, Frankly I think it’s typical of this magazine’s left-wing bias and indicative of the structural and organisational problems at the heart of VUWSA that you would endorse a Presidential candidate who is a.) not a VUWSA member, b.) not a Victoria student, and c.) gets coffee from VicBooks. As “lol” as “Lolra” might be she is doomed to be nary but another McCourt, spending all our money, driving this country into the ground.

A NATTY TALE

HARVARD CAN IT BE? Salient, I read David Cunliffe’s poetry and I felt something. Like a real something. I’m going to get some nice paper and an expensive pen. Then I will transcribe all that he has written and paste it in my journal. Best, a New Fan

not the hero labour deserves...

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

nt k! me ? z in s th om .n g c er u tt yo an or . c Le at u nt h w yo lie ow ow sa kn kn at s u yo icle t id D n ar o

letters SAVE IT FOR CELIA Wind lashing through the open windows of my mind and flat. It’s drafty. Fuck.

SPOOOOOOOOOOORTS To ‘andre levy’ (HAHAH U wot m8? Oi get da fuk ova it ay bales gone so fuken deal wit it.enjoy yr fukn europa leage trips to russha and MOLDOVA HAHA spuds kants. We da 1s flyen hi in champion’s league HOLLA. Mind da gap SPUDS haha dats wat happens wen u waste 100mil on FLOPS not lyk ozil who is GOD GOONER4LYF 'Arsene fukn Gazidis' OUT

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THE HORROR! My Dear Salient. I am writing with regards to the shoggoth on the roof of the Hunter Building. It is invisible but its maddening presence that creeps upon the mind with disquieting visions is starting to have a negative effect on students and faculty alike. It arrived after the earthquake on August the 16th; the violent upheavals of which coincided with particularly intense and monstrous dreams I was having during class and I fear some hoary, antediluvian horror of the inner earth has been brought into the fleeting world of men. I dread to cross the threshold betwixt Murphy and Kirk for the insane chanting of the Overbridge Cultists who speak in a blasphemous and forgotten tongue, talking of Nietzsche and Adventure Time. At dusk the Mount Street Cemetery comes alive with Night Gaunts that lope and scuttle unnaturally among the crumbling stones, softly beating their leathery wings and smoking durries. I dread to walk past the Music School for fear of the piping out of space and time that emits from within, following some sense of rhythm unknown to mankind. Worse yet, the Great Old Ones with their barrel-shaped bodies and fivepointed heads deliver lectures I cannot deign to understand and I fear the cryptic words they speak are of some intra-dimensional

design which mankind would go mad to try and grasp. I fear for my sanity in this university. Yours desperately, H. P. Lovecraft.

not the hero labour deserves... Greetings to my constituents It is I, your local MP, Grant Robertson. I urge Labour members to vote for me in the membership wide vote to ensure labour is reinvigorated with the necessary synergy, brain storming and blue sky thinking necessary to re-conceptualise the labour party as a modern social democratic party ready to take the fight in the political beltway and the wider conversation with the elite intelligensia... (Grant was cut off here due to intense third way waffle) Grant "It isn't an issue" Robertson

TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW Dear Salient: Public service announcement. Miranda Cosgrove is dead. Wait, I mean her career. love, Selena Hoe-mez

RANTING & RAVEN Dear Salient, I heard from a reiable source that RavenSymone lost her legs but then when I checked her Wikipedia article this was not verified. Please advise - I need to know whether I should send my legs to Raven-Symone. Thanks, True Jackson VP.



ar ed nd tic le z? no ca u us g.n yo p or m t. e av ca H w ien e l r n sa ou at

notices 

NOTICES CAREERS AND JOBS Details on CareerHub: www.careerhub.victoria.ac.nz Applications closing soon:

 Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building

instance, what iPad/Android tools do we find

Drop-in hours: Mon- Wed 1-3pm. Thurs & Fri

useful for lecture note-taking.

10-12am

To make the blog a successful sharing space

 Deadline for Tri 2, 2014 exchanges: January

we need your voice too, so…Join us.

16th, 2014 (University of California Nov 28)

Vic Uni Film Society

Women's Suffrage Celebration Luncheon

Assosication of New Zealand

To celebrate International Week, we have a

Youth for UN Women NZ would like to

Mozilla

triple feature spectacular:

invite you to celebrate and honour the 120th

Harold and Maude (1971, USA): A young

anniversary of women's suffrage in New

man and a 79 year old woman hang out at

Zealand! Come hear influential speakers,

MetService

Sep 25

funerals. The Bicycle Thief (1948, Italy): A

such as Sue Kedgley, discuss the history and

Aviat Networks

Sep 27

father searches post-World War II Rome

role of women in this country while enjoying

NZX

Sep 30

for his stolen bicycle so he can provide for

pay-as-you-go nibbles and drinks. Visit

his loving family. The Loved Ones (2009,

our Facebook page for more information:

Australia): A girl falls head over heels in love

facebook.com/YouthForUnWomenNz

Organisations Communication Agencies

The Tatau Co-operative Dairy

Closing Sep 16

Sep 20

Company

Wynard Group Crowe Horwath

with a boy, then proceeds to drill holes into

Skope Industries

the boy's head and heels.

Victoria University (Commerce)

12:30pm-1:30pm

MiMOMax Wireless Victoria University (FHSS, Science,

 Wednesday, 18th of September

Oct 1

 Where: Memorial Theatre, Student Union

 The Royal at 132 Lambton Quay.

Building

Downstairs room.

Engineering, Architecture & Design)

 When: 6:30pm, Thursday 19th September

Augview

Gold Coin Entry.

Milmeq

HumanFM presents: a "Do Something Event."

Oct 5

HRINZ at VIC

RML Automation

Oct 11

Are you currently studying or considering a

prisoners are Maori.

MEA Mobile

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career in Human Resources Management?

Why is this? What are people doing about it?

4RF

Oct 15

The Human Resource Institution of New

What more can be done?

MiMOMAX Wireless

Oct 21

Zealand (HRINZ) offers a discounted

Come along to hear from our discussion

Mesynthes

Oct 31

membership to help you head start your

panel of speakers from Rethinking Crime

HR career. Members have the benefit of

and Punishment, JustSpeak, Arohata and

networking opportunities, education and

the Department of Corrections. There will be

professional information services and the

music, art, poetry and food.

opportunity to connect with practitioners.

Wednesday 25th September from 7pm at

Informative conferences and courses are

Ramsey House, 8 Kelburn Parade. Listen,

designed to build value to your professional

learn, engage.

rewardjunkie Custard Square

15% of our population are Maori, 50% of our

TCS NZ Pingar Taranakipine

Nov 4

Asia NZ Foundation (Taiwan)

Nov 11

Pingar

Nov 15

MetOcean

Nov 22

Ossis

Nov 23

skills and knowledge.  Visit the HRINZ website for more

Can Do AGM

information and join: www.hrinz.org.nz  Additionally visit our Twitter or Facebook page.

Can Do's AGM will be held on the 19th September in Meeting Room 1 of the Student Union Building, from 12-1pm. There will be pizza provided. Come along to hear about Can Do's year and vote for new exec members.

“Do you want the balance back?”

Happy Hour with Dance With Me @ Vic Come along and check out the dance talent VUW has to offer! Where: Hunter Lounge When: Wednesday 25th September Show starts at 6pm

As an MBA student at Vic, I know just how

Cost: FREE!

you feel. The MBAMums blog (mbamumsnz.

Vic OE – Vic Student Exchange Programme

blogspot.co.nz) is tackling the big question of how to maintain the balance (or indeed

PROLIFE VICTORIA

accept the oftentimes ‘unbalance’) between

Prolife Victoria Bi-Weekly Lunch Meeting

Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2,

work-study-kids-partner and still have time

this Wednesday 18th at 11am in SU217. All

Easterfield Building, 12.50pm

for yourself when doing the MBA. The blog

welcome. Please do come and join us for

 Email: VicOE@vuw.ac.nz

is an open, positive space to share ideas

a discussion around the other options to

 Website: victoria.ac.nz/exchange

and thoughts along with tips and ideas. For

abortion and creating a culture of life.

>>> salient.org.nz



t en r .nz ud o g st FM r ur .3 t.o yo 88 ien to n! l in atio sa ne st at Tu dio line ra on am re st

VBC

Missed out on getting a show? Spaces ARE NOW AVALIABLE; get in touch with MUSICDIRECTOR.vbc@GMAIL.COM

7–10am

mon

tues

10–noon 12–2pm

Fill Me!

2–4pm

Dead Man Mondays Casey &Joss

4–7pm

Fill Me!

Parallels w/ Cookie

7–9pm

Tbodega he Mixtape w/ Sam & guests

GURL TALK w/ Chloe, Sophie and Elise

Chloe

Dead Boys' Pirate Radio w/ Will

Dead Air George Armstrong

Fill Me!

INFIDEL CASTRO w/ Philip McSweeney

241 Hugo

Grace Ace fills the Space

Fill Me!

fri

sat

sun

Fill Me!

Raw Politik Emanuel & Neas

Fill Me!

Wake N' Bake w/ Pearce

Domo Arigato Mr Robato

Fill Me!

Children's Corner

Space Jams w/ Kosmo Naut & Te Art of Fire

Northbound Alex, Michael & Nick

CATS w/ Keszia Tyler

DC Current w/ Duncan & Cam

Jiving James & Grooving Greg

Fill Me!

thurs

Amber, Scott & Matt, Keegan & Rohan music, news, interviews & giveaways

9–late

The Flight Coffee VBC Breakfast Show

weds

Fill Me!

onramp

Droogs Maddie

Thursday Drive with A.D.D.

gang

Fill Me!

Superfluous Superheroes tim & alex

The B-Side Revolution w/ Richard

The Sunday Roast w/ Ray & Jim

PRE-LOAD w/ Matt &

Fill Me!

sat 21

Signal Sounds w/ Holly, Stumble, Goosehead & Vic Seratonin 7pm - Late

Sunday Fly Lorenzo &

friends

GIG GUIDE mon 16

tues 17

weds 18

thurs 19

fri 20

Happy Monday!

2 for 1 Pizzas

Vic OE Quiz

Battle Of The Bands

Blue Breakfast, Beat Mob DJing

Mighty Quiz 6:30pm

mighty mighty

Lord Diamond & The Digg

Wednesday night free show!

san francisco bathhouse

bodega meow cafe

All Stars Big Band

Latin Club 8:30pm (free!)

The JAM (free!)

salient.org.nz <<<

Regurgitator

Prowler 'Enter The Night' Album Release

Agitator

The Troubles (free!)

Mark McGuire/ Orchestra of Spheres/more

puppies the southern cross

Taranaki Songwriter Collective

Pikachunes & West Coast Bulies

Stitch & Bitch 7:00pm

Electric Quiz 8pm - 10pm

Kroon For Your Kai 6:30pm

Niko Ne Zna

Solid Gold Sound