ART DIRECTOR BRIAN CETINA design@briancetina.com AD SALES EXECUTIVE RENN WILSON rwilson@qcnerve.com
MARKETING MANAGER ALEX KASTANAS HOLLADAY aholladay@qcnerve.com
NEWS & OPINION
4 Not the Right Fit by Annie Keough Lawsuit unveils deeper issues with Charlotte-based virtual fitness program
ARTS & CULTURE
5 A Different Wavelength by Matt Cosper Jeff Jackson’s new experimental film series defies assumptions about local arts patrons
MUSIC
6 You Rock, We Rock by Ryan Pitkin We Rock Charlotte celebrates a decade of music, arts and social justice
8 Lifeline: Ten Cool Things To Do in Two Weeks
FOOD & DRINK
9 Return of the ’Za by Dezanii Lewis Family-operated Zepeddie’s Pizzeria returns after decades-long closure
LIFESTYLE
Savage Love
Thanks to our contributors: Matt Cosper, Lora Denton, Dréa Atkins, LunahZon, and Dan Savage
NOT THE RIGHT FIT
Lawsuit unveils deeper issues with Charlotte-based virtual fitness program
BY ANNIE KEOUGH
Jeff Witherspoon launched Eager to Motivate, known as E2M, in 2016 with a mission to motivate busy adults who want to lose weight or get back in shape but don’t have the time to attend a traditional gym or fitness center.
Since then, building on word-of-mouth that manifested through the company’s referral program, E2M has seen a steady rise in popularity, going from a small Charlotte-based venture to getting national attention.
Over its eight years, E2M has garnered more than 200,000 members, many of whom network and share their experiences with the company’s programming in the company’s members-only E2M Training Motivation Group on Facebook.
Now a class action complaint filed against E2M for an alleged breach of contract is leading to a wider discussion about the culture of the company, with a recent shift in the business model leading some members to a backlash online in which members complained they were not receiving the services they signed up for.
Operated as a fully virtual program targeted at busy adults struggling to balance physical and nutritional wellness with their hectic schedules, E2M provides members with workout videos, weekly meal plans, mental fitness exercises and an online community for support.
The promise of lifetime access for a one-time enrollment fee of $320 was a big draw pushed by the company. These lifetime benefits were also promised to E2M member’s spouses at no additional cost. In August, E2M suspended lifetime access for those who paid the “one-time” enrollment fee, instead enacting a monthly fee of $19.99 for members and an additional $9.99 per month for their spouses.
This change led to a massive backlash among the company’s online community, followed by backpedaling from E2M, which said it would continue to provide access to E2M services for those who had already paid the one-time enrollment fee without charging them any additional fees.
However, the change still led to a class action complaint alleging breach of contract and other repercussions for the growing business.
Member files suit against E2M
According to Blake Thomas*, an E2M member who signed up in 2021, the program grew in large part due to the sense of solidarity between members who would go through the program together and encourage each other in a positive online environment.
The company’s original strategy provided members an eight-week, structured program targeted at those wanting to lose a significant amount of weight in a short period. Eventually, E2M added an additional program called E2M Premium for members who had reached their goal within the eight-week program and wanted more specialized workouts.
Thomas said that, over the summer, E2M announced it was cutting the eight-week program because it was not “growing enough business,” taking down the main Facebook page along with it and re-directing people to the new “2.0” program that would take its place.
After the announcement, active E2M members set up various Facebook pages to discuss the recent news. It was then that members began to share disturbing personal experiences with E2M. A subreddit page titled r/E2Mexposed, launched on Aug. 29, features posts that include accusations of sexual harassment against specific E2M coaches and a number of other allegations against the company.
“That’s when everything seemed to change and basically all the positive culture that once existed went away,” Thomas told Queen City Nerve. “I imagine Jeff did not anticipate or think of some of the possible consequences by ending a ‘lifetime membership’ that he had been promoting even just a couple weeks prior to him shutting it down on [Facebook].”
Witherspoon reopened the Facebook page a week later for the original eight-week program members, called Legacy Members. By that point, the damage had been done, Thomas said. “Thousands of folks were now aware of the issues within E2M.”
On Aug. 28, plaintiff Danille Gallinaro filed a class action complaint on behalf of herself and other members against defendant E2M, claiming breach of contract, unjust enrichment, unfair and deceptive trade practices under state law, violation of various state consumer protection statutes, fraudulent and negligent misrepresentation and other violations.
In the complaint, Gallinaro alleged E2M promised prospective members that, after paying a one-time enrollment fee of $320, they would receive “perpetual lifetime access” to virtual resources and E2M-created content that would now no longer be available.
Since the Facebook page was re-opened, members have noticed acts of censorship in which posts critical of E2M are deleted regularly. Queen City Nerve reviewed dozens of screenshots of posts criticizing the company that were taken before the posts were deleted.
“I think this was a decent plan at first and the community was as great, but now it’s a hot mess,”one comment said. “Like watching a slow train wreck and I know this will be censored which makes me sad but I am so over it. Jeff, you had a good thing and you completely screwed it up. For everyone else, google cult. Bye because I’m sure I’ll be kicked out.”
After coaches and admins pointed members to the “appropriate parties” for answers, many members say their messages have gone unanswered.
“How long should you pay for something without receiving it before you voice a public complaint? Is 5 weeks not long enough?” another comment said. “People are paying for services without being able to access them.”
Members also mentioned that E2M Legacy was still accepting new members weeks before the new roll-out. When they raised questions to Witherspoon or his staff regarding the lifetime access they were promised, they received no answers.
Multiple reports surfaced of members being charged twice monthly for the same Premium subscription, as well as members reporting that they were unable to cancel their subscriptions or unable to access the Facebook group despite paying the monthly subscription fee.
To many, this change was a wake-up call to reevaluate the sustainability of the program. Some members have said Witherspoon scaled too big too fast, relying on a single lifetime payment from each member while continuously adding more coaches every eightweek round. Jane Allen*, an E2M member since 2022, told Queen City Nerve she will not pay the monthly fees because, to her, E2M isn’t worth it.
Allen said the meal plans and workouts were not a sustainable option for her. The pre-portioned meals left her constantly hungry and she said the coaches would make members feel guilty about skipping workouts.
Ultimately, Allen, along with many other members, are questioning what access they still have as original lifetime members.
E2M responds to allegations
When Queen City Nerve reached out to E2M Fitness for comment on the allegations, spokesperson Myles B. Caggins III said he was not familiar with the lawsuit. After having a chance to read it over, he sent a statement.
“E2M is proud of our members who have positively transformed their mind, body, and health in a vibrant virtual community; we are investing in technology and staff to continue delivering life-changing coaching to our global membership. All E2M Legacy members — those who paid $320 prior to August 26, 2024 — continue to have full access to workouts, dietary guidance, and mindset and motivation videos through their members’only Facebook group.
“As of October 23, 2024,” the statement continued, “there are more than 217,000 members in the E2M Legacy Facebook group; the E2M Legacy members are not required or requested to pay any additional fees. All new E2M members — those who joined after September 1, 2024 — pay a $19.99 monthly subscription fee for access to E2M’s 2.0 program and web-based app. We are thankful for the strong Queen City interest in E2M and invite the public to take a deeper look at the life changing and life saving transformation stories from our clients, and the philanthropic work we do throughout the city of Charlotte.”
Caggins said that, due to the pushback, Witherspoon chose to re-evaluate and decided to grandfather in the Legacy members.
For Legacy members looking for answers regarding their payments or access to services, Caggins suggested emailing questions@e2mfitness.com.
“E2M has had staff working overtime to respond to emails and address concerns from its members,” he said. “E2M has provided multiple updates to its membership through email and also Facebook group postings that provide contact information for the members who have concerns related to technology or account status.”
*Names have been changed at request of sources.
COURTESY OF E2M
E2M IS MAINLY VIRTUAL BUT DOES HOST SOME IN-PERSON EVENTS.
A DIFFERENT WAVELENGTH
Jeff Jackson’s new experimental film series defies assumptions about local arts patrons
BY MATT COSPER
“I can’t tell you how many curators I’ve talked to who try to protect their patrons from art that they think they won’t understand. Their curatorial method is protecting people from their own enthusiasm.”
And so Jeff Jackson — experimental musician, novelist, playwright and all-around wizard of avant garde production in the Queen City — states it better than I ever could.
We’re discussing Jackson’s newest project, Wavelengths, which features screenings of classic experimental films on 16mm celluloid, presented by Goodyear Arts. It kicked off at the arts organization’s Camp North End location on Oct. 26 with screenings of two Warren Sonbert montage films, Friendly Witness and Hall of Mirrors. Jackson is driven by his refusal to submit to the lame by protecting people from their own enthusiasm.
“[Curators] say, ‘Well I’m excited about this but people here aren’t cool enough to share my excitement.’ Fuck that! I really believe that people here are cool and open enough and savvy enough to share my excitement,” he continues. “I believe that trying to protect people from art is the most retrograde thing you can possibly do and it’s incredibly harmful to the arts scene when it’s the curators of all people who are contributing to the dumbing down of the culture.”
Among his many other ventures, Jackson was founder and curator of the now-defunct NoDa Film Festival, an explosion of film programming that rocked the Neighborhood Theatre in 2006 when NoDa still had some street cred.
After that, he and NoDa Film Festival accomplice Ross Wilbanks programmed experimental film screenings through the late, lamented McColl Center Series New Frequencies. Wilbanks is an upper echelon Charlotte art weirdo in his own right, in whose garage I once attended a marathon screening of Jacques Rivette’s 13 hour French New Wave masterpiece Out 1.
Thank the gods of cinema, Jackson and Wilbanks are at it again. They’ve marshaled significant institutional support to continue their decades long habit of showing the best, most imaginative, most technically experimental cinema from around the world.
Charlotte Magazine is sponsoring, in partnership with The Independent Picture House, an impressive and ambitious series curated by Jackson and Wilbanks and presented by Goodyear Arts in Wavelengths.
Sean Robinson, Jackson’s bandmate in genre-defying
art-rock gang Julian Calendar, rounds out the trio and will be serving as projectionist for the screenings — because you must remember, these aren’t digital copies of the films but actual … film. Like real actual film that has to be run through a 16mm projector. You can’t stream these. Wavelengths is the fruit of 18 months of planning and groundwork by Jackson and his collaborators. And while a lot of that work was centered around technical requirements and funding, a central piece of the puzzle was programming.
Jackson knows that for the uninitiated, even the term “experimental film” can be daunting, raising the specter in folks minds of impenetrable Eastern Bloc melancholia or jittery half-baked wankery. More simply put: long, slow and pretentious.
(Please clap as I stop myself from ranting about the word “pretentious,” which is basically useless for anything other than identifying the user as deeply incurious, intellectually insecure or both.)
Jackson and Co. understand that there are some barriers to entry when it comes to experimental film and have taken this into consideration while programming Wavelengths. In our conversation about the curatorial thinking behind the series I am put in mind of tasting menus.
Jackson puts it this way: “We’re not looking to blow people’s attention spans out. This is not about endurance, this is really about getting a taste of one filmmaker, their greatest hits. And each evening will have a really different feel.” An additional step toward erasing barriers to entry is cost. Like all Goodyear Arts events, Wavelengths is free to the public.
There will be six screenings throughout the 2024-2025 season, each featuring the work of a single important filmmaker. The first four events of the series will take place at Goodyear Arts. Following the Sonbert screenings on Oct. 26 will be Rose Lowder (Nov. 22), Phil Solomon (Feb. 22), and Stan Brakhage (April 12).
The series concludes in the summer of 2025 with two special screenings at Independent Picture House: David Lynch’s Inland Empire (June 21) and Andrei Tarkvovsky’s Andrei Rublev (Aug. 16).
The decision to do summer screenings at IPH makes sense given the summer situation at Goodyear. The light filtering through the many windows at Goodyear is gorgeous, but during the longer days of summer light pollution becomes a real problem for screenings that start before 10 p.m. As
for the heat, Goodyear is located in a warehouse in North Carolina that doesn’t have air conditioning. I’ll leave what that’s like during the summer to your imagination.
What wasn’t immediately apparent was why the Wavelengths team selected the films they did.
“We wanted to show things that showcase the theatrical experience; things that if you saw them at home versus at the theater they are two completely different experiences,” he explains. “So, David Lynch’s Inland Empire, the soundtrack is like two-thirds of that movie. It shakes the walls and shakes the seats. It’s so nuanced, it’s so detailed and you have to have theatrical surround sound to really experience it. And the film has never been screened in Charlotte.
“For Tarkovsky, Andrei Rublev is on Ross and I’s bucket list for movies we’d want to see on the big screen,” Jackson continues. “It’s one of the most visually amazing films I’ve seen in my entire life. I’ve never seen it on the big screen. There’s a new 4K restoration and it’s going to be astonishing. These are ‘mic drop’ movies.”
Jackson and Wilbanks’ work screening these rare films puts Charlotte firmly in the middle of what is an international conversation about film. The 2023 showing of Harry Smith’s alchemical opus MAHAGONNY at IPH was the first screening of the film’s 4K restoration before playing in Tokyo and Paris and then eventually landing in a provincial backwater called Manhattan.
This is a big deal. For a city that can often have an inferiority complex when it comes to our culture scene, you’d think Charlotteans would be shouting from the rooftops that we are one of the best cities in the world to see movies in.
The Charlotte screenings of MAHAGONNY had audiences split between rapturous trance states and frustrated fury. And fair enough; Smith’s film can be punishing in its length and ritualized repetition, and is structured towards esoteric aims that fly over the heads or under the radar of most audiences.
And yes, I mean that literally. In addition to being a visual artist, ethnographer and the man perhaps most responsible for the folk/traditional music revival of the
1960s Harry Smith was a practicing magician who encoded occult symbolism into his work, creating films that function as spells. He was also quite the amphetamine enthusiast but honestly, who amongst us isn’t?
Jackson is careful to note in our convo that nothing in Wavelengths is nearly as difficult as MAHAGONNY and that this series has been intentionally designed to be a userfriendly and digestible entré into the world of experimental cinema that will satisfy connoisseurs while being accessible to the curious but inexperienced film lover.
Jackson does note with some satisfaction that Smith’s film, a “challenging film even for hardcore New York art goers,” sold out both Charlotte screenings and “had significantly fewer walk outs than the last time it was screened in San Francisco.”
This points to something that Jackson is insistent upon when we talk: the sophistication and adventurousness of Charlotte film audiences.
“I can be as cynical as anyone about the arts scene here, but every time I’ve shown a film in Charlotte, that I showed it selfishly, I loved it and just felt it needed to be seen, the audiences have shown up and have appreciated it,” he says. “Film audiences in Charlotte are incredibly sophisticated. One of the reason’s I’ve continued to program things is that the response from the audiences has always been so encouraging.
“Even when there is lots of red tape, when there are technical issues, when we’re rubbing nickels together to make sparks, the thing that has encouraged me and Ross has been the audience,” Jackson continues. “And so that’s why we wanted to do a year-long series, to continue developing that audience.”
Wavelengths’ next screening is scheduled for Nov. 30, kicking off at 7:30 p.m. at Goodyear Arts and featuring the regional premiere of Peruvian-French filmmaker Rose Lowder’s legendary Bouquets series comprising intense miniature travelogues and nature studies, bursting with bright colors and constantly shifting visuals.
INFO@QCNERVE.COM
COURTESY OF GOODYEAR ARTS
STILL FROM STAN BRAKHAGE’S ‘UNSEEN MASTERPIECES’
YOU ROCK, WE ROCK
We Rock Charlotte celebrates a decade of music, arts and social justice
BY RYAN PITKIN
When Krystle Baller (they/them) was first asked by friend and co-founder Kelly Finley to help launch a local chapter of Girls Rock, a summer camp for young girls to learn to play and perform music, Baller had only taught themself how to play an instrument, having learned the bass guitar from Napster and Guitar World as a teen.
“Kelly is not a musician, so she needed a musical person to help her with that aspect of it,” Baller recalled. “I answered the call not even really knowing I could teach yet. I learned that later.”
Finley and Baller hosted their first one-week summer camp in 2014 with no idea of what it would evolve into. A decade later, Girls Rock Charlotte has turned into We Rock Charlotte, merging Baller’s Pachyderm Music Lab, a music instruction company they launched to help expand on the training they gave young musicians during the short camp.
Today, We Rock offers an array of creative workshops that include Rock ‘n’ Reel, in which kids record a music album then shoot and edit visuals for the songs; We Rock All Stars for higher level music instruction; Femmes & Thems for women and femme-identifying musicians; Rock Roulette for adult musicians of all gender identities; Baby Punk, a family-friendly program that features women musicians covering rock songs by substituting lyrics to make them kid-friendly; and a number of other workshops and programs, all centered around the principles of social justice.
On Nov. 9, We Rock will host Rock the Block, celebrating 10 years by inviting supporters to its Rock on 22nd House for live performances, games and other fun in a newly renovated backyard.
Baller is also nearing another significant anniversary — the “Kidneyversary,” as they call it. In November 2023, Baller offered up one of their kidneys as a donor to help their Rock on 22nd landlord and close friend Ruth Ava Lyons fight polycystic kidney disease.
In the lead-up to that event, we sat down with Baller at Rock on 22nd to discuss the evolution of We Rock, the Kidneyversary, and other topics ranging from how social justice informs their work to Charlotte’s lack of venues for all ages.
This interview has been edited for clarity.
Queen City Nerve: They say you never really know something until you teach it. Do you feel like teaching music has opened your world when you play with your band, Hey RICHARD? Does it inform your musical ability?
Krystle Baller: I was a sliver of the musician that I am now when I first started doing this. When you teach guitar lessons every day for 10 years, it’s like, oh shit, you’re actually pretty good after 10 years. Because it’s one thing to practice and be like, “I’m going to pick up my guitar for 20 minutes,” but when I’m doing it every day, teaching everyone scales and all the stuff, my muscle memory builds in. Suddenly, I’m capable of all these things without thinking about it.
It was hard at first. I think what really was helpful with skipping all the academia stuff is that I was so close to it. When I first started teaching, I was only one or two steps ahead. I’m like, “Let me show you how this thing works because it was a struggle for me to learn, too,” and having real true empathy for knowing what it’s like to not have the skills yet. Being really close to that was super helpful.
How else has this professional venture changed your personal life?
When you’re an entrepreneur, I think the energy and passion of doing something, and being in your early 30s, starting something and the excitement of it and the feeling of community and that spark, that energy, it drove me to want to create so other people could have better things. I mean, that’s the nature of low self-esteem and poor self-worth is that I’m going to do all these things to try to give these things to other people.
During that process, I subconsciously was doing it because I was giving everybody the things that I needed — creating programming, creating space to just be myself. That was most important overall. I didn’t know it until now, but I created the space that I needed to be able to safely come out [as bisexual] because I wasn’t out until five years ago. But I had to build that thing over time because I had this thing inside of me just being like, “This is wrong. You’re not supposed to be this way,” in complete denial about it for so many years. Then all of a sudden,
it’s right in front of me and it’s like, “Okay, it’s okay to be who you are.” You’ve been telling everybody else that for all this time, and now it’s your turn to say, “It’s safe for you to be who you are.”
Growing up in a fundamentalist Christian mindset makes you really ashamed of who you are. Then it’s just striving to prove, “I’m a good person, I’m a good person, I’m a good person.” But all this programming, and it wasn’t me, it was the people that came here. I’ll get people in a
room together and they’ll start to share things and be vulnerable with one another, and I don’t even have to do anything. I can sit back and let it all unfold. I can listen to them. Then they’re giving me what I need, too. I’ve been a student this entire time.
You speak a lot about how social justice is at the center of everything you all do here. What does that look like?
RUTH AVA LYONS (LEFT) AND KRYSTLE BALLER.
PHOTO BY LORA DENTON
PORTRAIT FROM WE ROCK’S TEEN ROCK CAMP
PHOTO BY LUNAHZON
Every voice matters, and we say that, right? But we consume, consume, consume, and everybody has a consumable entertainment device in their pocket. How much of that production is coming from women, girls, or non-binary people? Not a lot. I mean, still. It’s like we have this knowledge, but Hollywood is still massively whitemale-dominated. We actually lost gains on producers; only 2% of music producers in the entertainment industry are women. Two! That means that every woman that makes a song goes through a filter of somebody else that does not have her same worldview.
We’re able to have music production accessible to kids and saying, “Hey, you can make your own creation from start to finish, and you can make it however the hell you want, and the outcome will be yours through your eyes, through your vision, but we’re going to give you all these professionals to help you understand how to use the equipment and some background on what concepts have been from the past, but you take it and you run with it.”
The result of that has been these music videos with songs that are completely, totally different from each other. You watch the movie and you’re like, “I can’t tell what teacher taught what student.” It’s just a showcase of diversity, for women and gender-wise, but also neurodiversity and how we all think differently.
You started as an organization for kids but now offer programming for adults. What inspired that?
Because adults need this, too. They want to give. They want to be a part of it. They needed these things when they were young, but they can have them right now. Because we are so disconnected; our connection is all digital, and it’s all so surface-level and fake.
We Rock, it sounds like, “Yeah, we rock.” Everybody
thinks we’re a music school like School of Rock, but that’s just at the surface level. Music and art is the tool that we use to create deeper connections, to create a more just and equitable society. Creating allies, just learning from queer people, having women musicians in places of leadership in a band situation, it’s just not often that these scenarios play out.
Men can come in this space, and they can really embrace being vulnerable, being emotional, exploring those parts of themselves that they often have to mask and pretend and cover up to be a man. That behavior is not allowed at We Rock Charlotte, and we establish that early on. It’s amazing the way that having bands with women and men, how the dynamic of that band changes and how those egos start to subside and people start thinking of the band as a collective.
The new renovations to your backyard will not only upgrade the stage but allow for more accessibility. You’ve mentioned that you’d like to capitalize on that to become more of a venue, and specifically an all-ages venue. Why is that important to you?
That is something that Charlotte lacks in a major way is places for a 16-year-old to go see live music or something like that. We have 16-year-olds here that play in bands, and they can only play at house parties, which is fun, but also, you need that experience of playing on a stage. And are all house parties necessarily the places that I would want these kids to go? I know what I was doing at house parties when I was 16.
We usually have a teacher here that is in high school who’s just a student that’s been prolific, and then we teach them how to teach … One of our student teachers, Lily, she was saying, “I can’t play anywhere in Charlotte.”
The thing is, as a person in a band, when I say all-
ages shows, I mean that all ages can come to the shows, all ages can play in the show. Have you ever been to a show with people, and then there’s a bunch of teenagers that are at a punk show, with teenagers in the pit? Oh my God, it’s amazing. We played at Rock Camp, and those kids, they’re down there dancing, moshing; they love punk, they love metal, and they have a serious respect for it. I’m like, “The kids are going to be all right.” We can have them here, just the experience for the bands that come play, to be able to play a show and have the crowd just be so into it. Because I’m older. I don’t jump in the pit like I used to.
What has the involvement of Ruth Ava Lyons and Paul Sires meant to you and the growth and evolution of this organization?
I mean, providing the space in the first place. How could we afford to be in this area of town without the graciousness of Ruth and Paul honoring what we do and celebrating it in this way? It’s nice to have Paul just walking down the street and back saying, “Hey, Crystal, what do you need?” It’s very much like dad energy. And having Ruth so close by, too, just constantly leaving little presents at our doorstep. I mean, this was all happening before any of the kidney stuff. They’re just good people, and they really care strongly about the arts in Charlotte. Also carving out this last little stake out in the middle of everything that’s going on with all of the development around us. Yeah, it feels like family.
How tough of a decision was that for you in offering up a kidney for Ruth?
I went to go do tests initially, and of course you’re like, “I hope I can do this thing,” but let’s just check it out. Then it’s like, I’m probably not going to be able to do this thing
because they’re going to look in there and they’re going to say, “You’ve been smoking cigarettes for 30 years, your kidneys are messed up.” But to get to where I was, they’re like, “Yeah, you’re really healthy.” I’m like, “I am? Really? That’s awesome!”
Then leading up to surgery, of course, I was scared shitless. I mean, I’m going under a knife when there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m super healthy. I’m like, “Here, have an organ.” It’s like the only surgery that somebody can have where they don’t need anything done internally that’s wrong with them. So of course, I was scared.
What’s the process been like in terms of recovery? Is there any change to your life?
No. I mean, I don’t drink as much, but I wasn’t drinking a lot anyway. It made me quit smoking cigarettes. So that’s great. I just gained life from that one. They made me quit to be able to donate. And now I’m like, what’s the point? No need to go back. I have to drink a lot more water. All the recommendations after kidney surgery is just live a healthy life; go be a healthy person, eat healthy, don’t eat a lot of red meat. It’s all things that people are supposed to do anyway. Now I have a reason.
Do you feel like it’s brought you two closer in terms of like, “I’m a part of you?”
Oh, yeah. My kidney is making art in a studio right now, probably, in one of the most badass artists in Charlotte. I think it’s really cool that my kidney gets to be a part of Ruth. Ruth calls it K. She tells me about K.
Rock the Block will take place on Nov. 9, from 3-6 p.m. at the Rock on 22nd House, located at 423 E. 22nd St. Visit werockclt.org to learn more.
RPITKIN@QCNERVE.COM
PORTRAIT FROM KIDS ROCK CAMP
PHOTO BY LUNAHZON
ELEPHANT RESERVE, FORMED THROUGH WE ROCK CLT’S FEMMES & THEMS PROGRAM. COURTESY OF WE ROCK CLT
BARAN DANCE FRIGHT NIGHT
Baran Dance Co.’s second annual frightful fundraiser, this event will feature pop-up performances from the company and others, an open dance floor, complimentary appetizers, a cash bar, and a raffle and silent auction featuring local artwork and services. Bring your favorite ghoul along to help Baran Dance cover its workshops and other programming, studio and rehearsal space, and technical fees. The dress code is glam goth and the playlist is crowdsourced. Spreading the love, the company will donate half of all ticket sales to the North Carolina Arts Foundation Disaster Relief Fund.
More: $25-$100; Oct. 30, 6 p.m.; The Long Room, 1111 Central Ave., Suite 230; baran.dance
SPOOKY SPECTACLES
Running throughout the entire building once known as Area 15, Spooky Spectacles will consist of three separate but connected parties. The Fright Fest Rave will feature DJ sets from Ranshounds, Lithic, Scene Chaolan, Girl Brutal, Jovo, DJ 2Step, Baby Cousin Tay Tay, and Jane Doe, while Witchin’ Wheels will host a large indoor roller-skating area. Last but not least, the Spooky Spectacles live show will include performances from local acts like Wastoid, Rosary, Austin Royale, Rocks 4 Lizards, Fonso Rex, Straightjacket, Beauty, and Microdose. Other spooky shenanigans include boozy trick-or-treating, carnival games, food trucks, tattoos, a haunted maze, and more.
More: $15-$20; Oct. 31, 6 p.m.-4 a.m.; B Sinima Studios, 516 E. 15th St.; tinyurl.com/SpookySpectaclesCLT
UPCOMING EVENTS IN THE QUEEN CITY
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY FEST
Jake Woodard and Dylan Harley hosted the inaugural Welcome to the Family Festival at The Milestone in November 2019, including a spread of different rock subgenres over three days at the hallowed venue. “During our … brainstorming for a [festival] name, we ended up with ‘Welcome to the Family,’ because our goal … was to bring people together,” Harley told us in 2023. Now marking five years of celebrating the best rock of the Southeast, headliners this year include Michael Cera Palin, Wiltwither, and Arborlea, with support from 30 other bands that will ring in November like a crash cymbal.
More: $25 per day, $66 per weekend pass; Nov. 1-3, times vary; The Milestone Club, 3400 Tuckaseegee Road; welcometothefamily.net
Y’ALLOWEEN
Charlotte-based alt-comedy group New Wonk City will host the first Y’alloween: An Interactive Comedy Cowboy Halloween Experience. It’s been described to us as part haunted trail, part comedy show, kind of like a theatre performance, definitely unlike any Halloween experience you’ve had in the past. From the team that brought you the Powerpointless comedy shows, How to Be Okay: A 245 Step Plan, Paul Johnson Is Jurassic Park: The Musical, and To Deflower a Rat, these folks know how to put on a niche comedy show.
Coming from the Dallas suburb DeSoto, Texas, Erica Banks saw her star rise in the shitshow of a year that was 2020 with the viral single “Buss It” and has continued to release fire music ever since, anointing herself the Flow Queen. Banks makes shameless club bangers, though she can hold her own in a freestyle cypher, sometimes sounding like a husky-voiced version of fellow Texan Megan Thee Stallion. Banks has been working with a newfound freedom since leaving Warner Records to strike out as an independent artist, and has only seen a rise in popularity since joining the cast of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta in 2023.
More: $31; Nov. 5, 8 p.m.; The Underground, 820 Hamilton St.; fillmorenc.com
DISCOVERY SERIES: CELEBRATING VETERANS
The Cabarrus Arts Council honors veterans with a night of art and music, first featuring a performance by the Queen City Jazz Group, comprised of veterans and their supporters, followed by a live performance from two of the Charlotte area’s best poets: Coach Jah Smalls and Mr. Witz. The two spoken-word poets collaborated on the book Trigger Warning, a collection of poems gathered through conversations with veterans that seeks to honor and explore the challenges they have faced as they navigate the world during and after their service.
More: $10-$15; Nov. 7, 7 p.m.; Davis Theatre, 65 Union St. S., Concord; cabarrusartscouncil.org
INTREPID ARTISTS INTERNATIONAL 30TH ANNIVERSARY
Charlotte native Rick Booth founded Intrepid Artists International agency in 1994 with one driving rule: “I truly believe, treat other people the way you want to be treated, and I didn’t see that being done in the music business when I got in here.” He’s gone on to help push his artists to hundreds of awards, including Grammy nominations and at least one win. This three-night extravaganza features a trilogy of rock ‘n’ roll, soul and blues from 20 artists ranging from Popa Chubby and Greazy Keyz to Carolyn Wonderland and The Three Kings spread across three Queen City venues.
Known as the “festival of lights and hope,” Diwali is the biggest and the brightest of all Hindu festivals, illuminating the country of India with brilliant, dazzling displays over four days in late October or early November. Most likely having roots as an important harvest festival, there are various legends pointing to the origin of Diwali. Starting on the 15th day of the Hindu month of Kartik, this year’s celebration lands on Oct. 31, though the county will host a delayed observance with this afternoon celebration in Ballantyne.
More: $5; Nov. 9, 5-8 p.m.; Elon Recreation Center, 11401 Ardrey Kell Road; tinyurl.com/DiwaliELRC
BLACK VIOLIN
With Kevin Sylvester (Kev Marcus) on the violin and Wilner Baptiste (Wil B) on viola, Black Violin has created a distinct sound that took the hip-hop community by storm in 2007, when the duo released their self-titled debut album. Their follow-up, Classically Trained, dropped a few years later, then the 2019 album Take the Stairs, which was nominated for a Grammy and debuted at No. 1 on Billboard’s Classical and Classical Crossover charts. The duo’s current tour, titled BV20: Then & Now, marks two decades since the best friends and collaborators met as high schoolers in a Fort Lauderdale performing arts program as teens in Florida, and the rest has been history.
More: $29 and up; Nov. 10, 7:30 p.m.; Ovens Auditorium, 2700 E. Independence Blvd.; boplex.com
COCO MARÍA
One of the most unique and uncompromising DJs in the world, Coco María is a selector, curator and radio host with impeccable taste. Hailing from Mexico and now based in Europe, María specializes in Brazilian, South American, Central American, and Caribbean wax, blending irresistible slices of forward-thinking electronic, future Latin, jazz, samba, and cumbia with all sorts of rarities from sunny, far-off places, coming together with an irrepressible energy and original style that will turn Snug into a discoteca dance floor. Described as a “riotous snapshot of artists on the frontiers of contemporary tropical music,” María’s 2023 LP Club Coco ¡AHORA! is a testament to her passion for curation and musical discovery.
Family-operated Zepeddie’s Pizzeria returns after decades-long closure
BY DEZANII LEWIS
Typically, when a popular business shutters its doors, customers never expect to have that dining experience again. In the case of Zepeddie’s Pizzeria, however, it just took a little patience.
On Nov. 1, the Zepsa family will reopen the New Yorkstyle pizza joint that they first opened in 1994 and were forced to sell 25 years ago.
While the neon sign from the original restaurant, which closed in 2001, has been preserved and put back to use, with WWII-era windows nodding to the quaint charm of the old space in lower South End (LoSo), the focus this time around has been on the menu, said Brian Zepsa.
“I think now we are heavily, heavily focused on the quality of what we’re putting out,” Zepsa told Queen City Nerve. “We spent probably close to a year just perfecting our dough and our bread. We’re making everything inhouse, fresh daily and we have gone ’round and ’round to really keying in on high-end, local, organic ingredients in everything that we do over there.”
Tradition will play its role in the restaurant’s return, but Zepsa said his team has also been focused on ensuring Zepeddie’s is offering Charlotte residents something new in a city that now has many more pizza options than it did when Zepeddie’s first served Queen City customers.
The menu features authentic New York-style pizza with a few twists.
“I think we’re just offering something a little unique and a little bit different and a little bit fun than your typical pizzeria,” he said. “You’re not going to find your normal meat lovers or veggie and whatnot. We’re trying to do something a little bit different and at the same time, stay the course with high-end ingredients.”
The two-day grand opening celebration on Nov. 1-2 will feature raffle giveaways, a magician, face-painting, a build-your-own cannoli bar, a stromboli-eating competition an other family-friendly activities.
For the Zepsa family, it will mark a second go at things in a city that they’ve watched transform in myriad ways since the last time they served their signature pizza.
A family affair
When the Zepsa family sold Zepeddie’s in 1999, it wasn’t because business was hurting. Keeping up with running a popular neighborhood spot had just become overwhelming for the family.
The Zepsas own a number of businesses around
Charlotte, including Zepsa Construction, which renovated the new space on Nations Crossing Road, and they like to be engrossed in every aspect of those ventures.
When the family felt they could no longer put the time into Zepeddie’s that it deserved, they decided to sell it.
“Back then, it was really about timing and being a part of it, we’re not ones to just open something up and let it run,” said Brian, who was in high school and delivering pizzas in his free time during the restaurant’s run in the ’90s. “We’re heavily involved in every aspect of everything and when we can’t be, we don’t like that.”
At the time, the Zepsa family expected to return to the kitchen — ideally the Zepeddie’s kitchen — when the time was right. However, the new owners closed the doors for good in 2001.
Knowing that they’d like to revive the restaurant at some point, the Zepsa family immediately claimed the old neon sign upon hearing that it was closing.
“I think we always had in our hearts and minds to revive it one day again,” Brian explained. “It was more of a pause, so to speak.”
There was no real plan or timeline in place to bring Zepeddie’s back, but the way Brian has seen the area grow in the time since Zepeddie’s first opened on Woodlawn Road, he figured, what better time than now?
“What has happened in the LoSo area over the last 30 something years is incredible,” he said. “And we thought now is the right time to give it a try again.”
Brian is spearheading the project, but as was the case in the ’90s, the entire family is involved. Some will be working in the restaurant while others have been brought in as taste-testers to ensure everything is just right.
“We’ve been trying way too much pizza over the last year to bring this all together,” Brian said. “I’m heading things up, but everything we do is always with the family.”
Out with the dough, in the new
To hear Zepsa describe his ambitions for the return of Zepeddie’s, it seems as if the only thing that’s going to be retained from the old space is the name and the trademark sign. Brian’s job now is to make a new way out of the old way.
Though not far from the old location, so much has changed about the area since the restaurant closed that it’s barely recognizable.
“Even though the word ‘LoSo’ had zero meaning back in the ‘90s, the way it does today, it’s still in the general part of Charlotte,” he said. “And with everything going on in that neighborhood, I mean, the growth is crazy. It’s just apartment complex after apartment complex going up over there. And it’s all mostly breweries and whatnot in the area.”
Of course, with memories of spending his high school
years delivering pizzas from the Woodlawn location, Brian recognizes the significance of bringing Zepeddie’s back for the old customer base.
But he also knows that the folks who even remember Zepeddie’s are few and far between, as so much of the population has turned over in three decades. Many of the people who now call the neighborhood home were either not alive when Zepeddie’s first opened in 1994 or were living in some other city.
With that in mind, he’s made major updates to the menu. There will be no pizza buffet or salad bar as there was in the old space. Recognizing “the growing demand for convenient yet delicious meals,” the restaurant’s primary focus will be on offering top-notch delivery and takeout.
The menu will include calzones, strombolis, subs, and pizza — both NY-style thin and thick-crust.
The Bianca thick-crust pizza, for example, is made with white sauce, Taleggio cheese, freshly sliced pears, chili-infused hot honey, and extra virgin olive oil. The restaurant’s specialty thin-crust pizza, the Big Gabagool, is made with Ezzo cup-and-char pepperoni, capicola, house-made meatballs, mozzarella, and grated Parmesan cheese.
“I think that’s the way that the area is going,” he said. “They don’t want just the normal plain chain thing that everyone can do and they can get around every corner and whatnot,” Brian said. “They want something funky and unusual and different, but at the same time, good for you and doesn’t have all sorts of additives, and this and that in it, and everything else. I just think that’s the cultural change in people, so to speak, from 30 years ago to today.”
INFO@QCNERVE.COM
ZEPEDDIE’S WILL SERVE AN ARRAY OF PIZZA STYLES.
PHOTO BY SOCIAL APE
INSIDE ZEPEDDIE’S NEW SPACE PHOTO BY SOCIAL APE
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 30
ROCK/PUNK/METAL
The Black Dahlia Murder w/ Dying Fetus (The Fillmore)
The Soundwave is Queen City Nerve’s comprehensive guide to live music happening in Charlotte every night of the week. This list is pulled together by our editorial team every other week from combing through Charlotte music venue calendars and separated by genre. None of these listings are paid advertisements. We understand that many non-traditional music venues offer live music like coffee shops, breweries, art galleries, community events and more.
This list may not have every event listed. To have a venue included in the editorial compilation of this list, please send an email to info@qcnerve.com with the subject “Soundwave.”
COVER BANDS
Minutes Past Midnight w/ Nate Randall Duo (Goldie’s)
Paul Bradley Atkinson Band w/ Sam Brasko (Camp North End)
The Soundwave is Queen City Nerve’s comprehensive guide to live music happening in Charlotte every night of the week. This list is pulled together by our editorial team every other week from combing through Charlotte music venue calendars and separated by genre. None of these listings are paid advertisements. We understand that many non-traditional music venues offer live music like coffee shops, breweries, art galleries, community events and more.
This list may not have every event listed. To have a venue included in the editorial compilation of this list, please send an email to info@qcnerve.com with the subject “Soundwave.”
Secret Formula w/ Nathan Harris & the Flood (Evening Muse)
Mac Fowler and Company (Smokey Joe’s Cafe & Bar)
CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL
Charlotte Symphony: Shostakovich & Mendelssohn (Knight Theater)
Jonathan Birchfield Band (Smokey Joe’s Cafe & Bar)
CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL
Opera Carolina: A Night to Remember (Belk Theater)
Charlotte Symphony: Shostakovich & Mendelssohn (Knight Theater)
HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B
Mavi (The Underground)
SINGER-SONGWRITER/ACOUSTIC
Millennial w/ Siege Hardee (Evening Muse)
Dazy Bea w/ Mariah Van Kleef, Deore (Starlight on 22nd)
COVER BANDS
Cover Me Up Music Festival (The Amp Ballantyne)
Cosmic Charlie (Grateful Dead tribute) (Visulite Theatre)
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10
ROCK/PUNK/METAL
Senses Fail w/ Saves The Day (The Fillmore)
SINGER-SONGWRITER/ACOUSTIC
Jack & Pat (Free Range Brewing)
JAZZ/BLUES
Omari & the Hellhounds (Comet Grill)
Black Violin (Ovens Auditorium)
Dee Lucas (Middle C Jazz)
POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ
Sha La La Sunday (Petra’s)
Soul Sundays feat. Guy Nowchild (Starlight on 22nd)
Allie X (The Underground)
CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL
Charlotte Symphony: Shostakovich & Mendelssohn (Knight Theater)
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11
ROCK/PUNK/METAL
OK Cuddle w/ With Haste, Complaint Club, Sea Slugs (The Milestone)
HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B
Chief Keef (The Fillmore)
JAZZ/BLUES
The Bill Hanna Legacy Jazz Session (Petra’s) POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ
Yoke Lore (The Underground)
LATIN/WORLD/REGGAE
Coco María (Snug Harbor)
COVER BANDS
The Carole King & James Taylor Story (Booth Playhouse) OPEN MIC
Find Your Muse Open Mic (Evening Muse)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12
ROCK/PUNK/METAL
Red Rocking Chair (Comet Grill)
Tedeschi Trucks Band (Ovens Auditorium) LATIN/WORLD/REGGAE
Babymetal (The Fillmore) OPEN MIC
Open Mic Night feat. The Smokin J’s (Smokey Joe’s Cafe & Bar) VISIT QCNERVE.COM FOR THE FULL SOUNDWAVE LISTING
HOROSCOPE
2024 KING FEATURES SYND., INC.
OCT. 30 - NOV. 5 NOV. 6 - NOV. 12
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) A bold approach has served you well in your workaday world, but you’ll find that your private life will blossom in a more moderate atmosphere.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Your determination soon pays off now that your goals are in sight. But be alert to a possible development that could cause problems if mishandled.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Expect the unexpected this week! Most surprises will be welcome, but even the lesspleasant ones can be handled with patience and common sense.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Learn to listen to the truth, even if it upsets your perception of how you believe things are or should be. Meanwhile, a family matter requires sensitive handling.
LEO (July 23 to August 22) Unsettled situations don’t get sorted out while you’re catnapping. So stop putting things off and work out a schedule to help get your life back in order.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Someone close might be preparing to move away. Repress the temptation to try to change their mind and instead offer them your loving support.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Be careful about finances this week. Invest only when you’re sure of your facts. In addition, renewing ties with an old friend turns out to be a very wise move.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) A new wrinkle appears in a deal that you thought had been well ironed out. Use this delay to dig for any facts that might still be hidden.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) There is a need for you to be super-wary of making commitments. Take things step by step and reject any attempts to get you to hurry up.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) That cautious, conservative side of you is about to be overwhelmed by your equally strong sense of adventure and curiosity. Go with it!
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Cupid favors both attached and single Water Bearers this week. Help the chubby Cherub do his job by showing a special someone a little more affection than usual.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Changes in your professional life might affect your personal relationships. You need to reassure your loved ones that there is no change in your feelings for them.
BORN THIS WEEK: You enjoy your own company, but you also thrive in the presence of others. Counseling and clergy are good career choices for you.
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) A once-harmonious relationship appears to be hitting some sour notes. Spend some time together to see why things have gone off-key. What you learn might surprise you.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You feel a need to make some changes. Good! You can do it on a small scale (some new clothes, for example) or go big and redecorate your home and/or office.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Control your tendency toward early boredom. A situation in your life might be taking a long time to develop, but patience pays off. Stay with it.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You might feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster this week. Don’t fret; just ride it out and let things settle down. A Pisces shows understanding.
LEO (July 23 to August 22) Do something different for once: Compromise. A stubborn stand on an important issue proves counterproductive. You need to be open to new ideas.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) A friend offers advice that you perceive as an act of betrayal. But before you turn against the messenger, pay attention to the message itself.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) A year of riding an emotional pogo stick finally settles down. Use this calmer period to restore frayed relationships and pursue new opportunities.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Your words can sting, so be careful how you respond to a friend’s actions. A calm approach could produce some surprising facts.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Be careful about whose secrets you’re being asked to keep. They could impose an unfair burden on a straight arrow like yourself.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) While you prefer taking the tried-and-true course in life, be adventurous this week and accept a challenge that can open up new vistas for you.
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Your strong sense of justice helps you deal with a job-related situation. Stay with your principles. A Sagittarius emerges as a supporter.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) You need to build a stronger on-the-job support system to persuade doubting colleagues that your innovative proposals are workable.
BORN THIS WEEK: You might not say much, but you’re capable of extraordinary achievements. You are a loyal friend and a devoted person to your family.
LIFESTYLE PUZZLES
SUDOKU
BY LINDA THISTLE
TRIVIA TEST
BY FIFI RODRIGUEZ
1. MOVIES: Who was the only actor to receive an Oscar nomination for work in a “Star Wars” movie?
2. GEOGRAPHY: What is a body of land with water on three sides called?
3. U.S. PRESIDENTS: In 1960, which two candidates participated in the first televised presidential debate in 1960?
4. FOOD & DRINK: What type of flower produces vanilla bean pods?
5. MUSIC: What was the name of blues musician Stevie Ray Vaughn’s first Fender Stratocaster?
6. SCIENCE: What type of gas is absorbed by plants?
7. LITERATURE: What is the name of the submarine in “Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Seas”?
CROSSWORD
PLACE A NUMBER IN THE EMPTY BOXES IN SUCH A WAY THAT EACH ROW ACROSS, EACH COLUMN DOWN AND EACH SMALL 9-BOX SQUARE CONTAINS ALL OF THE NUMBERS ONE TO NINE.
8. TELEVISION: What is Clair Huxtable’s profession in “The Cosby Show”?
9. ANATOMY: What is a more common name for the sternum?
10. ART: Which European city houses the Rijksmuseum?
I am a bisexual cis woman in my forties. My boyfriend is a straight cis man in his thirties. I had limited experience prior to our relationship. That being said, it hasn’t stopped my boyfriend from providing all the pleasure I can imagine for the most part. There is just one thing I want to ask about.
I am open about fantasies and often think about sex even when we’re not “in the moment.” He says he doesn’t have any fantasies and doesn’t think about sex outside of the experience. How can I gently encourage my guy to have sexual fantasies?
I suspect this is a mental block around shame and I think it would keep things interesting if we could both explore fantasy and talk more about it. Our NRE won’t last forever.
THE BIG REVEAL
As everyone knows, TBR, the average man thinks about sex every seven seconds. (Some consider that stat to be dubious — mostly because it’s been disproven again and again — but I’m going to trot it out one more time for sake of argument.)
So, either your BF, who only thinks about sex when he’s having it and claims to have no sexual fantasies, is an outlier, e.g., he thinks about sex far less than once every seven seconds, or he’s not being entirely honest with you about how often he thinks about sex and/or what he thinks about when he’s thinking about sex.
Why wouldn’t a man share his sexual thoughts (rate of) and sexual fantasies (specific of) with a girlfriend who wanted to hear about both? He could worry his sexual fantasies might repulse you, TBR, and not because they’re repulsive — although they might be (some are!) — but because he may have shared his sexual fantasies with a previous partner who reacted badly. (Once bitten, twice shy.)
I’ve lost count of the number of letters I’ve received from men and women whose partners begged them to open up about their fantasies and then reacted with horror at the revelation of a harmless, relatively common, and easily indulged sexual interest, like a thing for feet or fuzzy handcuffs.
In a world where your run-of-the-mill foot fetishists and bondage-for-beginners types get dumped after laying their kink cards on the table, you’re going to encounter people who hesitate to share their sexual thoughts and fantasies with new partners for fear of getting dumped.
That said, it’s possible your boyfriend is one of those rare guys who is completely vanilla, TBR, and all of his sexual needs are being met in your relationship. (It’s also possible he doesn’t think about sex nineteen times a day, which is the average for male college students.)
So, why not err on the side of taking him at his word? You’re setting a good example for him by sharing your fantasies, TBR, and you can and should remind him once in a while — every couple of months or so — that you’re ready, willing and able to return the favor if he has a sexual fantasy you can reasonably indulge. (“Reasonable” is a very subjective standard when it comes to kinks; one person’s “reasonable” sexual fantasy is another person’s “no fucking way.”)
If he hasn’t opened up to you about his fantasies because he’s struggling with shame — assuming, again, that he has any sexual fantasies — there’s no better cure than the affections and attentions a GGG partner like you. But you’ll have to be patient.
As for keeping things interesting, TBR, just like it sometimes falls to one partner to initiate, it sometimes falls to one partner — not always the same partner — to keep things interesting once the NRE wears off. Which means you may be the one who has to order toys and/or suggest heading to a sex club or fucking on the roof when the time comes. So long as your GGG boyfriend is willing to go there with and for you, TBR, then it’s only a problem if you decide to make it one.
How do you learn to live with your partners most annoying, idiotic behavior? I’m a 40-year-old bisexual woman in a long-term open relationship with a man.
I tolerate a lot in my relationship with my ADHD partner, but there is this one little thing that
makes my blood boil. When we watch movies or shows together, I sometimes lose the thread of the story, and ask my partner what’s going on. When he answers, he never uses the characters names or signifiers, only pronouns.
Instead, he says stuff like “he wants him to follow him to his place so he can get the thing from him.” (In our language “he” and “him” can be the same word so it’s even worse.) It annoys me so much! Why not use the characters’ names or say “the guy in the red shirt” or something like that?! I can never follow my partner’s explanation. And when I ask, “Him who?” my partner gets mad and accuses me of pretending not to follow his explanation. Which I must admit I sometimes do because WHY NOT JUST USE THE NAMES!?
We’re currently trying to watch the Jason Bourne movies, but started fighting over this in the middle of the second one and haven’t been able to pick it up again. Watching movies together is a big part of our relationship. How does one come to terms and live with stuff like this in longterm relationships?
ANNOYED FILM FAN
One learns to cope. Taking the example you cite — a partner’s inability to provide one with helpful plot-and-character summaries while watching a film — since one knows one’s partner won’t be able to provide one with the kind of recaps one requires, one could keep one’s laptop open on one’s lap with the film’s IMDB page open.
Then instead of asking one’s partner to do what one’s partner has repeatedly proven himself incapable of doing, AFF, one could glance down at the IMDB page already open on one’s laptop, as needed, to glean the information one needs.
Basically, AFF, after one has identified a source of frustration in one’s romantic relationship — after one has identified an engine of conflict — one should do what one can to avoid that thing. In other words, AFF: cope, don’t seethe.
P.S. There are always things about our partners that drive us crazy. If there’s something you truly can’t stand — if there’s something you absolutely can’t live with — then you should end the relationship. But if you don’t want to end the relationship, you have to learn to live with and work around the things your partner does or fails to do or says or fails to say that drive you crazy. That’s the price of admission.
Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love; or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan; podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love.
