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The Reason Why By Niko Herrera
Tony Singh // SQNews
words meant. In 2012, I enrolled in the Patten University, now called Mount Tamalpais College at San Quentin. I was in pursuit of a quality education; I kept a GPA of 3.53. Barbara said that I had a better grade point average than she did. I do not think that’s true, she was just being supportive. The first thing I learned in college was how to think critically. I had trouble explaining in-depth my past history to Christian and his parents, but after a while it became easier. I shared most of my thoughts in stories and essays. I was encouraged to continue to writing. I have not seen Christian since he visited me in 2006. He did not like visiting me in prison. I believe Christian did not like seeing me locked up, so he only visited once. He moved from the Bay Area to Boston, Massachusetts to start a family. As years went by we communicated via mail. He sent me birthday greetings, money, care packages, and pictures of his wife and kids. Christian’s parents Ron and Barbara have visited me frequently for the past 27 plus years. In 2020 during the pandemic, I suffered from Pulmonary Embolism, an illness that affected my lungs. It was hard for me to breathe; when I got out of the hospital, I received a video visit every weekend from my second family. Even though my illness almost cost me my life, they were there for me. Growing up I did not have this much support, especially when things got tough. I have accomplished many things with their support. I often think about reconnecting with Christian, what it would be like. We had the love of basketball in common. We loved the game so much; we once played in the rain at night, and use a car’s headlights so we could see. Christian’s father Ron put the basketball hoop up in the driveway of their home. His father shot hoops with us from time to time, he had a good shot. Christian and I once played some guys in a game of basketball and he was such an unselfish player. This type of inclusiveness not only helped me become a better basketball player, but a better team mate. Christian and I became friends instantly. We just clicked. I believe a part of Christian’s character rubbed off on me. Christian was easy to talk to. Having a friend with a positive demeanor was new to me — something I was not use to being around. I’d love to see him now, we would just sit back and reminisce about the old days, maybe take in a Warriors game? I wonder if his wife and kids would accept me ? Will it be like when we first met? I plan on traveling to Boston, putting on a Golden State Warriors Jersey, and challenging him to a one-onone basketball game, bad knees and all. I might get more than I anticipated, because Boston is enemy territory for a Warriors fan. They beat the Celtics in game six on their home court in the 2022 NBA finals, but it would be good to see my old friend again.
You’re so hard to love, and I know the reason why You’re so insecure; you need to put that to the side That is not the way baby, that you’re gonna fly You’re so hard to love, and I know the reason why You wanted Mom’s attention; she was with some other guy When I had a bad dream, she was not in sight Looking for my mama, but she kept into the night You’re so hard to love, and I know the reason why Daddy wasn’t there; he was somewhere getting high Banging with the homies. He was always down to ride But I wish he would have come home, took me for a drive You’re so hard to love, and I know the reason why Your hood wasn’t good where you grew up; it was trifling, and by the age of nine, seen a couple people die Thinking it was normal to carry around a knife You’re so hard to love, and I know the reason why Used to get bullied, he was always undersized You’re so hard to love, and I know the reason why Never good enough, contemplating suicide You always felt alone and nobody really tried. Fighting at school just to feel all right All you wanted was some love—can’t somebody hold me tight? You’re so hard to love, I know the reason why I’ve done some bad things, I ain’t trying to glorify The system got me down and I’m tired of doing time When you put them cuffs on,why they got to be so tight? I been in a dark world with only red and blue lights You’re so hard to love, and I know the reason why Got yourself played by a pretty, evil, dime She took my heart and broke it; Something inside me died Now I’m hardheaded and everybody’s lying Always paranoid, but it’s all up in my mind Not looking at myself, or these demons that I hide. You’re so hard to love, and I know the reason why Abuse is always wrong, on every single side I thought you was my friend; I was barely over five Hurting those around you, but we know who’s hurt inside Why do we do these things? Why do we victimize? You can hold tears for years, but sometimes you gotta cry Forgiveness is the best thing— now that is not a lie You’re so hard to love, I think I know the reason why I was only hurt; I didn’t mean to do those crimes. SPRING 2023
WALL CITY
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