The Tax Man

The Tax Man Written by Wesley Hovatter

John was an average man, who wakes up on time and does his taxes, just like normal people who don’t commit tax fraud do. John would never commit tax fraud, that’s illegal. Unlike his brother Gary, who commits tax fraud left and right. One day, it was Thanksgiving and John and Gary met face to face for the first time since Gary got out of jail for tax fraud.

“Do not commit more tax fraud”, John said in sorrow, he knew his words would fall on deaf ears, because Gary is deaf. Gary, naturally, didn’t hear him and accidentally did more tax fraud. The lack of Gary’s taxes caused the IRS to go bankrupt.

John still did his taxes though, because he is an average man, who wakes up on time and does his taxes. He would put his money in an envelope labeled “To IRS” and place it in the mailbox, but eventually the mailbox filled up, since the IRS couldn’t afford to employ anyone to pick up the taxes. John decided to get another mailbox.

This went on for thirty long years. John currently owns 478 mailboxes, filled with a total of $8,005,302 in cash. John’s house is wall to wall mailboxes now. He can’t escape. Occasionally Gary comes to check up on John, to which John cries out for help. But Gary is deaf, so every time he leaves thinking his brother hates him to the point of not even answering the door for him because of all of the tax evasion he committed.

Because he can’t leave to get it himself, John has to order food. Most of the time the delivery person tries to put it in an inaccessible mailbox, so John has to order again and again, hoping the delivery person puts it in one of the mailboxes he can reach. Everything smells like rotten food.

He wants to one day break free from his self-imposed prison, but he knows if he did he would be breaking one of the core tenants he lived his life by: waking up on time and doing his taxes.

Illustration by Wesley Hovatter

Ingredients: 5 eggs 1 can of condensed milk 1 can of milk (use the condensed milk can to measure) 1.2 tablespoon of vanilla extract Sugar (one layer that covers the bottom)

Prep: 1. Melt sugar in pan until caramel colored (the darker the more bitter taste). Then pour the melted sugar in the mold and spread (or melt the sugar in the mold directly to avoid more mess). Set aside to cool. 2. Blend the eggs, condensed milk, milk and vanilla extract in a separate bowl and Pour the egg mixture onto the hardened caramel (sugar). 3. Cover the mold with aluminium foil and steam in boiling water for 30 minutes. 4. After 30 minutes, check if it’s cooked thoroughly by using a toothpick. If it comes out clean it is cooked.

Illustration by Sabrina Kwong

Photo by Joshua Cruz 16

The “Quarantini”

Ingredients: Place in a 1 metal shaker: 1 cup of ice 1 Meyer Lemon, juiced 1 Blood Orange, juiced 4 ounce of soda water (ginger ale or sprite) 2 -3 shakes of angostura bitters 2-4 ounces of your favorite methanol-based hand cleaner or Vodka, Tequila, etc (optional)

Shake in a shaker until chilled and mixed. Strain and pour into an 8 ounce chilled martini glass. No ice.

To Garnish: Curl 1 zesty peel of the lemon, rubbed around the rim of class, then hung on rim. Drop in 2-3 Blackberries to substitute for some olives. Serve Immediately.