Donald Alonso: Modern Don Quixote

Donald Alonso: Modern Don Quixote Written by Joshua “Duh Wizard” Cruz

Illustration by Evan Villaflor

“5G Towers?” yelled the triumphant Donald Alonso. “Charge!”

Armed with an AR-15 blessed by the Grand Wizards of Alabama. Clad in a bulletproof vest passed down from the most powerful army of the world. The knight with the tin foil helmet charged at the fearsome dragon. Its neck scraped the sky as its many mouths breathed invisible cancer rays. The dragon was planted by the Dark Lord of the White House to transmit a terrifying virus against the people of the American Kingdom. Those fiends!

“Charge!” Donald Alonso unleashed a horde of bullets on the tower.

To prevent contracting the virus and cancer, he covered his Make America Great Again hat with foil. To prevent that from microwaving his head, as everyone knew, he ate raw steak to absorb the radiation. The absolute worst thing, according to credible resources read on the internet, was to wear a mask. The Dark Lord hid microchips inside the fabric to monitor thoughts and lower sperm count.

The dragon did not even stand a chance. Donald Alonso stood over the metal dragon and unleashed the last of his bullets into the air. “People,” the knight said to the gathering crowd below the hill. “You are free! Remove your mask, for I have defeated the monster with 1000 faces!”

The crowd in paper masks, the “sheeple” as Donald Alonso read, did not look pleased. He knew they would be disappointed. He read

on the internet that radiation from phones activated the rage chemical. That’s how the Dark Lord controls the masses.

Donald Alonso removed the foil on his hat, and the crowd seemed to understand their powerlessness. They switched from anger to clarity and continued their routes. The police dispersed the crowd, not wanting to deal with the aftermath of such a man. An American hero. A protector who acts for justice and God’s will!

A reporter approached the crime, but Alonso saw the logo on their van.

“Mindtakers!” Donald Alonso yelled. “Charge!”

The knight had read that all news media with certain logos were harvesting the brains of children-- they were coat of arms for rival knights. They were using code. They were mindtakers.

The only coat of arms that could be trusted was the Free Opinion of America: the only credible news outlet for American facts! Donald Alonso pledged $50 dollars a month to the serpent who holds the American flag. Its tail cut to represent the lost “sheeple” who refused to join the cause, and the serpent lashed out with the flag in its mouth.

But Donald Alonso didn’t have bullets to challenge the Mindtaker. He muttered, “Damn gun conspiracy. Bullets DO grow on trees, damn it!”

The knight began slamming the van with his gun. The reporter, who was six feet away with her own paper mask, turned to the camera and gave her commentary. “Don Alonso,” the reporter began. “Once a staple of the community, now a minor nuisance. What changed? Tell us, Alonso, what brought you to these conclusions?”

“I’ve read the truth!”

“And where did you find your truth?”

“In books and on websites,” Donald Alonso said, his mouth free of the mask. “Ever since the pandemic was unleashed, I’ve had time to read about the knights of old. They knew that there was a great evil in the world, and they banded together to face it. They did quests! I fight for not only the honor of my country, but the original king of England: King Arthur! The internet and the president told me that I should take up my sword, my AR-15, and fight for my country. I am more than a hero. Mightier than a superhero. I am a vigilante!”

“There you have it, folks,” the reporter continued. By this point, Alonso was too caught up in his assault to listen. “You may know an Alonso. Let me be clear, you may know an Alonso. Donald Alonso wasn’t a man you would see by the bus station. He wasn’t the man who would protest with pictures of God and a fetus. Donald Alonso was my husband. He was a lawyer. A war hero. A father. But he fell victim to the conspiracies generated from the pandemic. Little did we know, he, like many Americans, was a Don Quixote in waiting. He, like many Americans, is in danger of falling victim to baseless conspiracy theories and the melting line that distinguishes fact from fiction.

This is Gene Alonso, signing off.”

Vietnamese Waffle

Ingredients: 2 cup pancake flour (or regular should work ok too) 2 cup tapioca starch 3 tsp rice flour 3 cups milk or 2 cans of coconut cream 1/2 cup sugar 4 eggs Pandan flavoring/paste (optional: add coconut shreds to the batter)

Mix everything and batter should be thick.

Dump the batter in the waffle pan. The batter should cover the square of the waffle pan.

If your waffle pan has some light indicator or sound, flip it when that light turns on or when the sound is emitted. Otherwise, cook according to the instruction of the waffle pan.

Illustration by Cynthia Lee

Illustration by Cynthia Lee

Ham & Lentil Soup

Ingredients: 1 quart Chicken Stock 1 pack Canadian Bacon/Ham 1 bag Dried Lentils (or split pea, barley, or other) 2 Carrots, Celery Garlic Salt to taste Water (5+ cups)

Wash the lentils, carrots, and celery. Chop and peel them into bite-size cubes. Cut the ham/Canadian Bacon into small bite-size cubes. Fill a pot with water, boil it. Put lentils in before it boils so they begin to cook. Continue a rolling boil. Once the lentils are softer, add in the ham, carrots, and celery. Canadian Bacon is pre-cooked. If you substitute chicken, put it in to cook with the lentils and it will be done quickly. Add garlic powder and salt to taste.

Remove from heat and serve! Possibly with bread. It’s good with bread.