The Family Issue

The Plumber’s VOLUME XXXV ISSUE III November 12th, 2018

The Family Issue

Faucet

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. I

CONTRIBUTERS Editor-In-Chief

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Otman Benchekroun

Layout Editors

Miles Keily Baxter Clementine Morisette Hugo Schutzberg

Copy Editors

Meredith Charney Wren Middleton

Writers

Bailey Hull Ismail Benchekroun Lorenzo Carrara Lila Taylor Alex Dombowsky Stavroula Pabst

Illustrators Jess Beyer (Cover)

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXIV no. VIII

Monday, November 12th, 2018

Friends and family, it’s been so long. Yes, this issue is a month late. Yes, we are undergoing a change of staff and infrastructure. Yes, I only floss once a month, why do you want to know?!

I won’t lie to you, this issue is... fantastic!

We’re at a time of year where you wanna cuddle up with a nice warm Faucet under the covers while the raindrops echo off your window and your loud neighbor knocks repeatedly on your door asking to be “LET INTO MY OWN GODDAMN HOUSE, OPEN UP OR I’LL CALL THE COPS.”

What I’m trying to say is, this is a time of year for family and forgetting past Halloween spookies.

It’s a time of recovery from midterm season. Let us be a part of that recovery, friends! Let us be that angel that picks you up from the exam wreckage of October.

Otman Benchekroun

November 12th, 2018

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The Faucet’s Family Party Conversation Template by

Bailey Hull

With the holidays slowly creeping up on us like an ever-approaching spectre of tinsel and turkey, it’s time to start thinking about how you’re going to tolerate your extended family again this year. You might be concerned that you’ll run out of conversation topics with your dad’s estranged sister or your adult cousin who still wears a top hat for some reason, but worry not! The Faucet’s etiquette experts are here to help you survive an evening with your extended family with some foolproof, easy-to-follow conversation templates that you can fill in with a few spicy details to fit any generic family conversation!

The Academic

“Yeah, school’s going great! I’m considering going for my master’s at [UNIVERSITY THAT WILL MAKE YOUR AUNT TELL YOUR COUSIN HOW IMPRESSIVE YOU ARE] for a few years, but I think I’m going to be working for a little bit beforehand. Pay off some student loans, y’know?”

Let everyone in your family marvel in your raw intelligence and vague plans to potentially go to law school! But hey, as far as they know, you’re a scholar and a genius- they don’t have to know that you spent your grad school deposit money at Café Campus!

The Signifigant Other

“I’ve actually been seeing someone for a little bit. Yep, they’re really great, their name is [JUNIPER OR IMOGEN OR SOME OTHER ELEGANT SHIT THAT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN SWIPING THROUGH TINDER WHILE WATCHING THE 2005 VERSION OF PRIDE AND PREJUDICE], and they’re a [ARTISINAL BREWER/ARCHITECT/CEO OF A COMPANY THAT SELLS BAGGED BEES], and we met in a coffee shop!”

Switch in your partner’s preferred pronouns for a succinct few sentences about your love life, because let’s be real, that’s all you really want these people to know about your quest for romance.

It’s also worth noting that you don’t actually need a partner for this one: you only see these people like once a year or something, so it’s no problem if you just lie about your relationship status directly to their faces.

The Listener

“Oh. Uh-huh. Wow. That’s crazy. Huh. I didn’t know that. That’s wild.”

This one is not so much a strict template as a suggestion of phrases to pepper in at your leisure once your uncle starts going off about some NPR podcast that he listened to. These are great to sprinkle in while you just kind of let him kind of rant about humans activating only 43% of their brain power and how eating kale can somehow resolve this, while you calculate the most optimum route to the liquor table and simultaneously plot your escape.

The Faucet wishes you a happy early holiday season, and we hope that, with these tips, you, too, will be able to survive family parties within the next few months.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. I

Dad Gives You $4.50 to Buy Meal at Five Guys

by Otman’s Brother On October 5th, 2018, your

The contents of this fist are

You know Dad’s is going to be just

father of 19 years decides to

unknown, but you do know this: by

as complicated, and you ask your-

celebrate the weekend by going

no means could it contain bills. No,

self: Why add to the noise? You

out to a restaurant. After debating

the next material to hit your palm is

want to minimize the noise; you’re

on where your family would want to

metal. Two toonies, accompanied

a part of the solution. Plus, you

go, you all start getting a little angry

by two quarters, find themselves in

recall, there’s always those compli-

– or hangry, rather. Maybe you

your hand. Sure, they’re both in the

mentary peanuts. So you stare Dad

shouldn’t go out, especially not after

top three as far as coins go, but you

in the eye and you prepare your

your sister’s ignorant comments on

are hungry and this is not Arby’s.

lie like it’s the Grade 10 math test

Burger King. But then your father –

After your back-and-forth stares

all over again. This time, however,

once again – saves the evening with

between the menu and the $4.50

it’s for good. “Nah, this should be

a whisper. “Five Guys,” he says, and

settled treacherously in your hand,

cool”, you state assuredly to over-

all your mouths water.

hoping he can read your thoughts,

compensate for your prolonged

Dad miraculously asks you: “Is it

hesitation.

enough?”

As you arrive to the eatery you realize you don’t have your wallet.

You really shouldn’t be worried, given you don’t usually pay for your meal when you’re with your family, but because Dad spends so long looking at the menu you had decided to each order and pay separately so as to not be the embarrassment of the queue.

After you make the “where’s my wallet gesture” with your hands, someone pats you on your shoulder.

It’s Dad. “Don’t worry, kid. I’ve got it,” Dad susurrates in your ear. He takes out his wallet, shoves his hand in and pulls out a fist.

Fifteen seconds later, you

hear the word “Next!” yelled out

This is your chance. You look

by Nadia. And so, you move up

at your father of 19 years who has

one, two, three steps… and you do

decided to celebrate the weekend

not order the fries.

by going out to a restaurant. After debating for a figuratively long amount of time in your head on what to say and how to say it, you suddenly see the faces behind him – all waiting to order. One of them has blonde hair. Another has brown hair. The one at the end has brown hair but also blonde hair. You make eye contact. They seem kind, and you look away. What about the girl at the counter – Nadia, her name tag says – taking your sister’s needlessly complicated order with a smile?

November 12th, 2018

BREAKING: Faucet “Writer” Found Guilty of Hyperbole He says it was for comedic effect, but who’s laughing now?

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by Otman’s Roomate

On October 29th 2018, Plumber’s faucet writer Otman’s Brother published an article about going to Five Guys with his family that has since ignited uproar. In the article, Mr.’s Brother states his father gave him four and a half dollars. But that didn’t sit right with FathersforFathers, a dedicated group of Plumber’s Faucet-reading fathers. Just like Otman’s Brother claimed he could not buy the fries, FathersforFathers did not buy that Otman’s Brother’s Father did not give him enough money to buy the side of potatoes. They sure did not hold back, blasting a tweet at the young writer: “@BrotherOtman We’re wondering if your dad really did give you $4.50 to order. Did he? #FathersforFathers #FiveGuysFrenchFries.”

Otman’s Brother could barely muster enough strength to reply with the most humiliating confession:

Ummm… Breakdown, much? Not only did he confess that his whole piece was a ruse, but he had the nerve to try to defend himself with illogical rationale. Just what this world needs: another non-apology.

In a recent conversation with Otman’s Brother’s brother, Otman, Otman’s Brother revealed that the five dollars weren’t even given in coins, but as a plastic bill. You’d think a Management student would be more accurate when it comes to money. But it’s actually quite the opposite; he is LESS accurate when it comes to money. As you see, much like a management student, Otman’s Brother is a delusional hypocrite.

Since what has been termed “The Hyperbole Scandal,” Otman’s Brother has been banned from writing for the Plumber’s Faucet. Even the Why Not? Intersection refuses to publish his work (ouch!). It is unclear whether Otman’s Father has even heard of his son’s familial Faucet-fatal fabrication, but he has been spotted in a restaurant saying, “If I were seven, I wouldn’t eat nine. I’d eat Five Guys.” You may not agree with his son’s brother, but you’ve gotta love his son’s father.

Is your twitter holding you back ?

Do you constantly find yourself lying about your shoe size to gain followers?

Do you wear white after labor day?

If so perhaps look at a new twitter manangment group. TweedleDeedleDeet. At TWDD we specialize in making your twitter as people pleasing (PP)* as possible. We only post colors!

Who doesn’t love colors? Find out more a twitterpp.com! *PP ® is a registered trademark of TWDD Twitter Mangagemnet

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. I

After Hearing But Ignoring Question, Mother Merely Replies, “Just Microwave It”

by Alex Dombowsky

SEATTLE–Sources claim that Riley Dowd, a local insurance agent and mother of four, ignored a ques-

tion directed at her by one of her college-aged children and, hoping to cover that up, merely replied, “just microwave it.” Taking her mind off her children for the first time in days, Dowd thought that perhaps she could have a few minutes to herself. This serenity was shattered by a question from Sam Dowd, back home after his first year in college. Even though Riley ignored the question, she registered that there was little urgency so she went with her go-to response. After a brief silence, Riley was alarmed to see Sam place some tin foil covered hot wings into the microwave

Jerry Springer Brings the Skywalkers On by the staff at incestinmovies.com

The Jerry Springer Show aired one of the most anticipated episode in the penultimate season

this year. No spoilers but it turned out Darth Vader was in fact THE FATHER !

Sith lord and robe enthusiast Mr. Vader, formerly known as Anakin Skywalker, accompanied

by Padme Amidala, and Luke Skywalker were all brought on the show to finally unravel the mess of a family that is the Skywalkers. Luke, having been raised the entirety of his life by bearded white dudes in robes, was quite in shock when it turned out his actual father was a guy likes to dress in black robes and once sported a rat tail because he thought it was cool? Did someone say downgrade!?

Luke was actually unfazed when it turned out he had been kissing his own sister this entire

time! Can’t wait for next week when Jerry brings on Cersei and Jaime Lannister!

November 12th, 2018

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Dads and Daddies

By Lila Taylor

As the cold weather approaches and the fresh start of the school year is quickly becoming a distant memory, folks are beginning to look toward “cuffing season,” a time to curl up with a special someone. With that season in mind, here is a guide to the Faucet’s favorite celebrity “daddies” that you can envision a warm and cozy snuggle session with.

Daddies Currently Having a Moment Noah Centineo (To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before) Hasan Minhaj (Also a Dad) Antoni Porowski (Queer Eye) Michael B Jordan

Timeless Daddies Anderson Cooper Colin Firth (Also a Dad) John Krasinski (Also a Dad) Idris Elba (Also a Dad)

And Here Is Just a List of Celebrity Dads, Categorize Them to Your Liking Will Smith Tom Hanks Neil Patrick Harris Billy Ray Cyrus Snoop Dog

Free Space to Categorize Below

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. I

Brother Needs “Twenty More Minutes” On the Gamecube

By Stav

Lancaster, OH: Local sibling, Nathan, 11, says he needs twenty more minutes on the Nintendo Gamecube for dumbass game Metal Gear Solid, then his sister can finally have her turn with the tv.

Nathan’s sister, Stephanie, 15, calls bullshit. “There’s no way Nathan needs only twenty minutes to finish the part of the game he’s on,” says Stephanie to local reporters. “What a little shit, who does he take me for? Just because ‘I’m a girl’ or whatever doesn’t mean I don’t know about video games or whatever Nathan thinks. Like, come on. I know enough about this game to know he’s going to take at least another hour, if not more, with the TV. Even worse, Nathan *knows* I need the TV at 7:30 for my show. We have this conversation literally every week! It’s pushing 7:15 now, which means things are NOT looking good for my catching the next episode of Gilmore Girls.”

At press time, Stephanie was threatening Nathan that she would “go tell mom about this” or even “shut off the Gamecube without saving the game’s progress if I have to.” Nathan was using his twenty minutes to their full potential.

Graduate Seminar Professor Just Wants to Eat Dinner Like a Goddamned Family for Once

by Lorenzo Carrara

Is it really too much to ask? He even postponed the Marx reading so you could try his (killer) spaghetti casserole. I just can’t understand why you wouldn’t dedicate the last shreds of your precious free time to spend time with just an overall cool dude. And he is cool - he’s read Bell Hooks. No, not the the unanimously respected feminist theorist, it’s that book about a meat church.

Anyway, he’s really upset. He’s eating spaghetti casserole alone in his room. No, he doesn’t get to pick where his office hours are, and if you ask me it’s pretty rude of McGill to make him have them at his house. I don’t see how him living in the Leacock basement is relevant to this, so stop bringing it up.

I think we all know what the problem is: dinner. Everybody hates dinner, but we’re gonna do Sunday brunch next week. Irresistible. On top of the fact that he’s super cool and lives in Leacock basement? I can see the internet ads already - “Grad Professors Hate Him: One Easy Trick to Make Students Eat Breakfast in Your Basement”.

November 12th, 2018

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The Addams Family

by Emmett BarRish Deep in the campus of a university near you, there towers a dark building, made of flagstone brick and winding staircases. While droves of students surface about every hour at the release of class, within these walls there also lurks a cacophony of company wandering the passageways while all lectures are in session. If you find yourself venturing into their territory, best beware. This field guide is your key to the various types one may observe deep in the Addams building, when all else is silent.

1) Do they even go here?

The nondescript hoodie could be new-wave, or maybe just a leftover from the actual 1990s. Can someone be a student that long? Do they know the exit is right there? Often seen walking hurriedly, but aimlessly, their enigmatic presentation is accentuated by their heated conversation on the phone. Was that French they just spoke? Spanish? Ancient Norse? They won’t hang around long enough for you to find out.

2) Anti-Mac-er

Heralded by overt sighs and groans echoing though the corridors, they hold their Dell laptop cradled in an arm crook, and of course it’s open. Somehow they still manage to run into problems submitting final assignments; most appear as text editor filea claiming a “submission issue”. Any eye contact will elicit a prepared argument about Android’s superior camera and screen resolution.

3) Lost arts student

Generally hazy-looking, these appear mumbling some quote of Eliot or Donne (probably) and glancing sideways into every doorway and reflective surface. The poky pace and shifty “I’m totally not looking for a specific classroom” eyes are further evidence of the complete hopelessness of their situation, but specimens of this type are also known to glance at their reflection as often as possible. Don’t worry, they will find where they need to go, they just won’t get to open the door due to lack of engineering ID.

4) Ray-Bans

Their father is definitely a lawyer, and they make sure you know it too. Possibly they’ve already secured an internship in NASA aerospace on Florida’s coast, but just as possibly are using that as a cover for some Bermuda-triangle-based yachting adventure. This variety eats wings on poker night, but says they’re vegan on dates. Currently, they are in the market for less of a Marylin, more of a Jackie.

5) Actual Cousin I.T.

Tall, sunglasses, lots of hair. Awfully helpful when it comes to information technology, though, you just have to decode what they say. This one has no explanation, and there is quite the chance that this is actually a confused actor who came to the wrong Addams building auditioning for the role, and never left. Either that, or the EUS needs to open a barbershop next to Frostbite.

6) Slow-walk gaggle Perhaps a field trip, perhaps a tour, perhaps a mirage, these groups range in size from 3 to 12 and are only identifiable by their slow, slow pace. No force, worldy or divine, could persuade this legion and their unintelligible conversations to increase their velocity for any reason. If stuck behind such a group, find another route back to class or give up and just hoof it to Tim Horton’s.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. I

Street Meat Do mcGill Nov.15.2018

November 12th, 2018

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Join Queer Engineer

Queer Engineer is an EUS Club that works towards promoting awareness and providing a safe and welcoming environment for all members of the LGBTQ+ community in engineering.

We organize multiple events throughout the year such as meet and greets, activities and outings, networking events, and study parties. All are welcome to participate, and we greatly encourage anyone who is interested in having a great time to come on by this coming year. It’s a great way to make new friends and learn more about LGBTQ+ culture.

For more info, please check out our Facebook page or email us at

queer.engineer@mcgilleus.ca.

WRITE FOR THE FAUCET!!

PLEASE READ THIS!!!!

We need writers, illustrators, editors, all the help we can get!

You should join us here at The Plumber’s Faucet! It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a humour magazine, and is a great way to get new friends and slip into the McGill comedy world.

We literally consider ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or no. We publish our magazine’s once a month!

For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us: faucet@mcgilleus.ca

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. I

The Top 5 Things I was Doing on March 27th 1998 from 2:00-4:00 PM (you HAVE to believe at least one)

by Marcus Wainwright (writer at Buzzfeed) Many of us are probably wondering what I was up to on the 27th of March 1998, from 2:00-4:00 PM. Needless to say, I’ve been asked this question several times over the last few days. And, despite my lawyer’s firmest requests (suck it, Jeremy), I’ve decided to let the authorities know what was going on by publishing it in a quirky clickbait list form.

1.

At the Lucky Lanes Bowling Alley with my friends Mike and Brad, NOT with Randall Prince. I felt like doing some bowling, as I am wont to do. As you already have an alibi for the morning of the 27th, you know that I suddenly left my house in my car. Well, this was because I was running late to my, Mike, and Brad’s weekly bowling session! What do you mean Lucky Lanes has been closed for 7 years?

2.

At the 7-11 on Fairfield Avenue. After the bowling session I was pretty thirsty, so I visited my local 7-11 to get a Big Gulp. Um, also all the employees were outside smoking and the rotating security camera just so happened to not land on me when I walked in. What, it can happen!

3.

Praying. At 3:15 PM precisely, I always make sure to do a little prayer from 3:15 to 3:38. Randall Prince is an athiest, so he WOULD not be there. I like to pray in my car in an empty parking lot.

4.

I swear I wasn’t with Randall Prince. You gotta believe me. Randall and I stopped talking years ago. Years! I don’t care if he says it was me, he was lying!

5.

With my identical twin brother Markus. Oh, his birth was off the books I believe. My parents couldn’t deal with the shame of having twins, you know. Actually, he told me he was with Randall Prince from 3:15-3:38 PM, so maybe you guys can talk to him. Contact info? Uhhh, I think he lives in Kansas. Yeah. Just search in Kansas.

There you have it! Which was your favorite? Comment below and let me know!