Movies Issue!

The Plumber’s VOLUME XXXV ISSUE V January 2019

Come At Us Disney!

We Have Mickey Mouse on the Cover !

Faucet

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. V

CONTRIBUTERS Editor-In-Chief Hugo Schutzberg

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Layout Editor

Clementine Morisette

Copy Editor

Meredith Charney Jules Middleton

Writers

Miles Keily-Baxter Harry Skinner Denbeigh Whitmarsh Stavroula Pabst Steven Greenwood Finn Boyle Anne Sampogna David Bailey Lorenzo Carrara Sarah Fernandez

Illustrators Ké Smith (Cover) Ismail Benchekroun (Meme)

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXV no. V January, 2019

Ah, movies... or as they used to say in the old days, “pictures with sound.” The movies we watch shape our perspectives of the world and provide us with experiences we otherwise won’t face. My favorite film is Vincent van Gogh’s Stormy Night . My second favorite movie is Watching Paint Dry by Benjamin Moore.

Enough about all this personal stuff.

If you are a Disney executive reading this magazine, thank you for reaching out. We will gladly sell this magazine in its entirety for one special night with Tom Holland, Olaf, and and the Candlestick from Beauty and the

Beast.

In all seriousness, please don’t sue us, Disney, because I really don’t want to watch Avengers: Endgame on DVD in the prison common room.

Your editor,

Hugo Schutzberg

January 2019

Psyche Was Actually a Greek Goddess Or, the Reason I Don’t Watch Movies

by Denbeigh Whitmarsh Everyone keeps asking me what kind of movies I enjoy watching, like it’s some kind of fool-proof way to analyze the intimate cogs of a stranger’s psyche without looking like a creep. Thus, when I reply, “Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat,” people tend to stare at me as though I have no psyche to analyze. Some people just cannot comprehend us literature students. I assure you, with twenty books plus a few hundred other readings in a language that is not my mother tongue (yes, I’m the dumb one who picked French literature) to complete this semester, I really won’t be spending hours on end absorbing action-polluted fantasies about pop stars and ponies or the latest romantic murder scandal. Instead, I will be diving into works of fiction featuring more or less the same content, only written on paper, and probably composed some seven- to five-hundred years ago.

The beauty of my program, though, is that once you have learned the roots of all of the archetypal plots which have been keeping the rest of the world up until 6am every Tuesday night after Café Campus, you really don’t have to watch any more movies for the rest of your life.

In conclusion, I do have a psyche.1 If you would like to analyze me, read Rabelais.

The End.

Here, I am not referring to the Greek-Goddess semantic value of this word, but rather, its common use in modern English which undoubtedly arose as people used the goddess Psyche as a metaphor to describe the soul. I know this isn’t written in 1’s and 0’s as code, so it might be hard for some of you science folks to understand, but rest assured that a translation is in the works.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. V

A 5-Step Guide to Tinder in Montréal

by A. R. Sinnost 1) Set up your profile

Look through your entire 4,000 picture camera roll for pics of you. Realize you have Literally Nothing good enough. Spend two hours taking increasingly horrible selfies. Give up and post The Beach Picture of you from 2 years ago (coincidentally, you may or may not be 10 pounds lighter in that one, but who’ll notice anyway?).

2) Now, it gets worse: The bio. Here’s some advice: • Guys: If you’re about 6 feet, just do your height and a basketball emoji. Who actually needs a personality anyway? The girls are already swooning. (A whole 6’ 1”?

Excuse me, I need the fainting couch.)

Hans, 24

Wait, you’re less than 6’? Idk man, all hope is lost. Pack up your bags and move to Indonesia. The average height for men there is 5’2”. You’ll fit right in.

Alternative suggestions (guaranteed matches, mes amis): • “Here for a good time not a long time” and a fake shirtless pic (obv with abs).

(And honestly, at least TRY to match it with your skin colour. C’mon, it’s not that hard.)

• “You’re like my GPA because I know I could do better, but I’m too lazy to try.” Because every straight girl actively pines for even more misogyny in her daily life.

• “Looking at my phone searching for a reason to stop looking at my phone” ...which is not inaccurate, in all honesty. Undoubtedly the best of the worst category of tinder bios, the Copy Paste Bio. • No bio. Go with some pics worth a thousand words. For your consideration: -You with a cigarette (channel that French aesthetic, spend a day outside New Rez and become one with the ill advised high heels during the winter.

-You chugging a beer at Café Campus (the originality stuns me--guaranteed swipe right, of course).

-You smoking weed. Do you even get Cool Points for it when it’s legal and the Société québécoise du cannabis logo literally looks like an asshole?

• Girls: Pick your aesthetic. Are you the dreamer? The astrologist? The ever-present 420-friendly? Are you ~dtf~ or Not Looking For Hookups? Are you one blurry selfie or ten expertly curated pics of you in increasingly cute outfits and locations?

• Non-binary: I have no tacit criticisms to offer. You are all perfect. I love you.

• The couples: Only put the woman’s name and show only her in the first few photos. Suddenly (Soudainement!), there’s the guy. Cute cuddling pics. A dog, even. (*gasp* Is it a relationship dog? Will this dog have to suffer through your breakup? How dare you inflict emotional pain on this fuzzy, adorable creature who only wants to love you?). Make sure to catch the innocent Tinder user (and poor Rex) off guard. Bios should always include the words “Just looking for someone to spice things up.” (I kid, no couples profile has ever had good grammar, let alone known that spice has ~two~ meanings.)

January 2019

3) Swiping Finally, you have made it through the gauntlet. On to the swiping. Swipe frantically for the first forty-eight hours.

Revel in the addiction. Do none of the readings for any of your classes. Consider adding an EN/FR to the bottom of your bio like the rest of the world; realize your French is so bad you could get sued for false advertising.

4) Addiction

Abandon it for one or two weeks after the initial swiping spree. Come back with semiregularity. Consider deleting it, maybe even go through with it. But it’s never gone. One day you’ll be looking down at your phone and that tantalizing pink app you were sure you got rid of will just be sitting there of its own accord.

You’ll open it, go through the agonizing process of picking those pictures again, writing that 2-word bio that says nothing but (simultaneously e ​ verything)​about your personality. Until it’s three in the morning and you’re still swiping away, feeling your brain to turn to mush as the combined effects of looming exams, persistent alcoholism, and new intellectual adventures (Tinder, I mean Tinder) take over your life.

5) Never go on a Tinder date.

Brief Explorations in the Contemplative Mind of a Cinephile

by Lorenzo Carrara and Sarah Fernandez Big Time

Camera break down Oh no! Actor suck, owie director angry.

TVM

Guerilla filmers Just tryna film in city Give them a break please.

:)

Movie man hates me For my stinky feet and mouth Camera won’t smell

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. V

Individual Insists on Putting Subtitles on While Watching Movie Without Hearing Impairment

by Hugo Schutzberg

Last Saturday, Dougie Details wanted the subtitles on while watching a film because he was concerned with missing key details.

Friends of Dougie were fed up with his egregious behavior, as every movie night they are forced to read every punchline and plot twist before hearing them.

Natasha Nospoilers expressed her displeasment with Dougie selecting the subtitles option in the title menu week after week.

“I was really invested in S ​ hutter Island​ until the subtitles popped up and revealed it was Leonardo Dicaprio who was a patient the whole time! I was gonna find out seconds later in the dialogue, but every movie night this happens. Last week it was the teddy bear in T ​ oy Story 3 ​and the week before that it was Matt Damon in ​Interstellar​!”

Dougie commented on the heresy, “My fridge gets pretty loud, which makes it hard to hear what the actors are saying sometimes especially if it’s important plot details that are whispered after boring sex scenes.” Even for silent films, which already include text, Dougie likes to put the subtitles on to understand the film on a deeper level.

If he had it his way Dougie would have subtitles on throughout his regular day, as he feels he misses key details that people share with him when he is not listening.

MEME PROVIDED BY Ismail Benchekroun

January 2019

Hollywood Stars Fight Off Assassins Dispatched to Fill Up Oscar’s ‘In Memoriam’ Section by Finn Boyle LOS ANGELES, CA – Gunshots were heard in downtown LA on Monday morning as various aging Hollywood figures fought off a group of highly-trained assassins dispatched by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ “In Memoriam” department.

Every year the Academy Awards features an “In Memoriam” segment, honoring various film industry figures who have died in the past year. However, oftentimes not enough celebrities have died, and more must be killed off by elite Hollywood hit squads.

“It’s a scheduling problem, really” claims Academy President John Bailey. “The segment’s booked for four minutes, and we have to fill that up somehow.”

This year’s Hollywood stars have proven resilient. “You’ll never take me alive!” yelled Sir Ian McKellen as he bit off the pin of a grenade and lobbed it into a crowd of elite hitmen, killing them all.

Unconfirmed reports claim Kirk Douglas, 102, singlehandedly fought off a group of twenty assassins, killing them all and lining up their dismembered corpses to spell out “I’m Spartacus!”

One notable defence was pulled off by Meryl Streep. The three-time Oscar winner has fought off assassins every year for the past 20 years and has developed a reputation for taking no prisoners.

Many Hollywood assassins have nicknamed her The Devil in Prada. “Getting a contract with Meryl is a one-way ticket to hell,” claimed an anonymous assassin named Greg Winters. “Hey, why are you writing my name down, man? I don’t want her finding me!”

Streep’s mansion was attacked at 4:22 am. The last of the hit squad had been disemboweled

by Ms. Streep by 4:23 am. She hung a number of their corpses outside her door as warning to the others, and was seen roasting others over an open fire, consuming their flesh so as to maintain her vitality.

Film Friend Struggling to Find Something to

by Miles Keily-Baxter Criticize in Popular Film

The known ‘film-friend’ of the friendship group is struggling to find something to criticize about a new popular film. Despite not being pretentious and weird, the friend found themself enjoying the flick and struggling to remain opposed to the mainstream. Whilst other viewers left the showing with smiles of glee, this friend watched the film a further twelve times in the next forty-eight hours in an attempt to find something to oppose. They also set up fan blogs on multiple sites, in attempt to crowdsource the criticism process, to no effect. Buying every piece of merchandise also proved ineffective in finding something to rant about, apart from the adorable bobbleheads. In desperation, the friend has resorted to having key lines from the film tattooed upon them, hoping that this would lead to some divine inspiration. Whilst that did not occur, it did lead to some interesting pick up lines which the friend responded to with ‘I don’t like that film’,’Why?’. It has been 7 hours since that exchange and they have not stopped crying on floor repeating ‘I don’t know’

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. V

Report: Critics All Wrong About Movie You Like

by Finn Boyle A new report published in The Journal of Critical Media Studies claims that critics have been wrong about that movie you like the entire time. “You can’t deny the data,” claims one of the lead scientists, “if you like it and the critics don’t, then you’re objectively correct 100% of the time. It’s a clear one-to-one.”

The study occurred over a six-year span. “I knew it!” claims one of the test subjects, Dave. “Something in my gut told me the critics didn’t understand the depth of Jared Leto’s method acting in Suicide Squad, and it’s just great to have the proof spelled out for all to see.”

The study goes into great detail about how, specifically, critics are most often wrong.

According to the report, critics often fail to consider series’ lore, meticulous worldbuilding, and “awesomeness.” The category critics failed the most was “Identifying Plotholes,” with obvious plotholes seemingly never being mentioned in any professional review.

Paradoxically, critics were also universally right if they also liked the movie you like. “It’s not an exact reflection,” claims one of the researchers. “But there is a strong correlation between the critics being right and whether or not you liked the movie. If you agree with them, then they’re right. If not, then they’re wrong.”

“It’s like they’re not even trying,” claims Dave. “If you’re going to review Suicide Squad, then you should at least have a modicum of knowledge about the extended backstories of Deathstroke and Harley Quinn, as detailed in their original comic books. It’s not even that hard.”

Hollywood in Crisis

by Oscar Monroe

No one knew why the Oscars were called the Oscars. Oscar has turned up and he is angry. It appears there was a slight miscommunication at some point and Oscar intended the awards to celebrate film in the chemical sense, like a thin layer of stuff on other stuff.

Angry that the awards have instead been used to celebrate cinema, Oscar has shut the Oscars down. The industry is in crisis as there is no longer an award show that people care about.

In a recent development, the California government has warned people named Oscar to stay indoors over fears they may be kidnapped and used to restart the awards. Now … wait what are yo- please- GOD NO SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEE-

January 2019

EXPOSED: This Oscar Viewing Party Attendee Has Only Heard of One of the Best Picture Nominees

by Harry Skinner OAKVILLE, ON - D ​ uring a viewing party for the Oscars this past weekend, discussion and debate came in large amounts among the attendees, a group of longtime friends.

The friends discussed the nominated flicks and what made them so great, films that didn’t get the nominations or awards that they deserved, and various other spicy and well-informed takes about the goings-on at the event.

As the night went on, the friends began to notice interesting behaviour from Ryan, the host, who prides himself on being a movie connoisseur and is known to often trash movies that the rest of the group enjoys. In past years, Ryan has dominated the discussion at these parties, providing stale hot takes and contributing bland and obscure facts about the movies being nominated. This year, however, he took a back seat for the most part, chiming in to agree with a point made by someone else, or even just nodding thoughtfully. He only contributed significantly when the conversation shifted to one of the best picture nominations, Get Out, and he had a lot to say.

Several other party-goers began to catch on to the pattern, and suspicion rose against the pretentious host, questioning if Ryan had actually been up to date this year in his film-watching.

“He just doesn’t seem to know much about any of the nominees,” stated Parker, who was Ryan’s best friend in high school. Maggie, another member of the group added, “He does seem to know a thing or two about Get Out, but even then he’s just saying things he could’ve Googled earlier today.” When asked why she thought he might be putting on the facade, she replied, “It’s honestly kind of pointless. I don’t think he realizes, but we all find his stupid facts and hot takes kind of annoying and pretentious. He just feels like he has to be the one who knows everything but nobody really cares, we just want to watch the show and talk a bit about it.”

Further investigation of Ryan’s friends included affirmation of Maggie’s comments, as well as one threat by Parker to call him out, which was shut down by others, begging him not to start a useless argument and ruin the evening. The overall message that came across was this: everyone loves Ryan to death, but this shit’s just a bit weird, man.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. V

Which Disney Princess Are You, Based on the Characteristics of Your Prince Charming?

An Interactive Flow Chart

by Denbeigh Whitmarsh Are they purely attracted to your physicality?

No

s Ye Do they only want you for your daddy’s money?

No

No

s Ye

Do they have a foot fetish?

What colour is their horse?

Good Job Anna, you managed to dodge the Hans bullet.

W n Br ow

Congrats, Sleeping beauty, you’re just like Snow White. #twinning

You’re not a Disney princess. But that’ll be better in the long run.

Watch out Ariel, they’ll dump your ass for (b)-witches real quick.

Did they colonize your people? Yes No

No

Yes

Did they use words to communicate during the first three days of the relationship?

Are they a thief who talks to carpets?

Yes

You’re Snow White, like the horse. More white people in movies is just what we need.

No

Hope you’re happy with someone you only met for one night, Cinderella.

e hit

No

Ye s

Yes

Are they a necrophiliac who wanders the woods looking for dead-ish women?

‘Sup, Jasmine.

Should have gone for Kocoum, Pocahontas.

Great job Belle, you married a vain hairy beast who’s bald on the inside ‘cause he literally owns his own giant library and still can’t read.

January 2019

Disney World to Build Jail for Repeat Line Cutters

by Stav ORLANDO, FL - Yesterday, Walt Disney World unveiled plans to build a jail in each of its five Orlando theme parks over the course of the next year. The jail comes as a proposition to prevent park guests from cutting lines for attractions, which in recent times has become a common occurrence, sources report.

Disney Jail You

“We’re getting pretty tired of this shit, to be honest,” said Walt Disney World President George Kalogridis, who came up with the idea of the jail. “People need to understand when coming to Disney World that this isn’t a free-for-all.”

Kalogridis announced that jail admissions will operate on the basis of a three-strike rule. Upon first line cutting, visitors will be given a verbal warning. With a second offense, the violator’s name will be announced on park speakers, and their face will be shown on televisions around the parks to publicly humiliate the park guest.

Upon third violation, visitors will be locked up in the park’s new jail. Their jail time, Kalogridis said, will be an amount of time correlating to the popularity of the attraction at which the visitor cut the line.

“If you cut the line for goddamn Splash Mountain, just know you aren’t going to see the light of day for some time,” remarked Kalogridis. “We will have to check all the ramifications of this, of course, as to whether it’s actually legal for us to build our own jail for line cutters. But hey, we’ve already been able to skirt the law in terms of maintaining copyrights to our characters long after they should have expired, so I’m sure we’ll be able to do this and get off scot-free.”

Suck

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. V

FREE COMEDY SHOW

THursdays Bi-Weekly

January 2019

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Join Queer Engineer

Queer Engineer is an EUS Club that works towards promoting awareness and providing a safe and welcoming environment for all members of the LGBTQ+ community in engineering.

We organize multiple events throughout the year such as meet and greets, activities and outings, networking events, and study parties. All are welcome to participate, and we greatly encourage anyone who is interested in having a great time to come on by this coming year. It’s a great way to make new friends and learn more about LGBTQ+ culture.

For more info, please check out our Facebook page or email us at

queer.engineer@mcgilleus.ca.

WRITE FOR THE FAUCET!!

PLEASE READ THIS!!!!

We need writers, illustrators, editors, all the help we can get!

You should join us here at The Plumber’s Faucet! It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a humour magazine, and is a great way to get new friends and slip into the McGill comedy world.

We literally consider ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or no. We publish our magazine’s once a month!

For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us: faucet@mcgilleus.ca

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. V Every Bad Student Film Ever By: iMovie Superstar FADE IN: INT. CAFÉ OR DORM ROOM Open on a closeup of an everyday object in shallow focus. This object has nothing to do with the film’s themes or plot, but is there to prove that the filmmaker knows how to shoot something in shallow focus and has deep thoughts about everyday objects. The disembodied voice of PROTAGONIST is heard over the shot.

PROTAGONIST Everything was normal. Until one day it wasn’t. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about [dead philosopher or male author. Bonus points for David Foster Wallace] and I think he really was the only one who really understood [everyday concept].

Cut To: INT. GENERIC HALLWAY People walk through a hallway. Only their legs are shown, in another shallow focus shot. At one point, the focus racks to the background, then back to the legs in the foreground because racking focus looks super cool! While the legs walk, PROTAGONIST pipes up again.

PROTAGONIST People walk too fast these days. They spend so much time moving back and forth, blind to the beauty in the world around them. People like this would never understand beautiful things.

Like this film. And my soul. I am a lone flower, surviving in the eye of a hurricane of uncreative, sad, blurry people.

Fade To: INT. CAFÉ A bunch of trendy students in scarves sit sipping things from cups. There must be an exposed brick wall to prove how trendy this café is. The scene starts as a medium high-angle shot, but then as dialogue begins the scene proceeds through an unnecessary number of cuts so the editor has something to do.

January 2019

STUDENT 1: I really like clubs and parties.

STUDENT 2: I prefer studying.

STUDENT 3: I love Instagram PROTAGONIST: I’m much deeper and smarter than all of you but you tolerate me so I keep you around.

STUDENTS 1, 2 & 3 (Said with all of the sincerity of unpaid student actors doing the best they can with this script) We all appreciate the way you help us understand the deeper parts of the world and help us realize how shallow we are.

Cut To: EXT. FOREST – DAY Black and white shots of a forest. Occasional cuts to streams. Again, rack focus as much as possible to show that you know how to do it.

Deep focus is the enemy because it doesn’t draw attention to itself or prove that you know how to do cool arsty film things.

PROTAGONIST: My life is like this stream. And this forest.

Please give me an award at this student film festival so I can feel validated. Also I’m like 90% sure the reason women won’t date me is because I’m too deep and mysterious for them. They’d never understand how important it is to rack focus between a row of trees and a deer standing in front of those trees. But I get it. I’m basically Stanley Kubrick, except I’ll never sell out like he did.

Fade out.

THE END

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. V

Ethnographic Film-Maker Discovers Music and Editing, Makes Films Too Accessible by Lorenzo Carrara

Jacob Jordan, 57, after a long career of sensory ethnography in the subtropical region of Tampa, Florida, has discovered the advent of combining two very common elements of film form: music and editing. Despite the 1950s having come and gone, Jordan, following the conventions of ethnographic film, was seemingly oblivious to industry standards that have been in place for almost 70 years.

He did not take a statement, preferring to show everyone in a new interview he did accompanied by royalty-free music and featuring consistent jump cuts at various distances from his face. If I could show you I would but I can’t because unlike film, paper is not an audiovisual medium.

However this leap into the 21st century has been met with an incredibly increased viewership that for director Jacob Jordan is both unprecedented and despised. He like many ethnographic filmmakers who revel in being incomprehensible and inaccessible, has despised this and vows to use this “new” discovery only to further complicate his films.

Other ethnographers have taken note and, despite initial backlash at how many people were watching, engaging and understanding a format dedicated to understanding people, agree that this can allow for further complicating ethnographic films to new incomprehensible heights.

Boozymandias

by Liquid Giggles I met a reveler on a one night stand She said – “Two vast, and empty kegs of beer Stand in the kitchen… Near them, on the floor Half-drunk a student lies, whose snores, And shattered glass, and smell of stale red ale, Tell that fellow schoolmates, who shared his drinks Could not keep pace, and headed home before The tongue that mocked them, and the throat which gulped; And on Snapchat, a clip appears; My name is Boozymandius, Drunk of Drunks; Behold my chug time, ye lightweights, and despair!

No one beside remains. Round the mess, Of that colossal Wreck, from broken glass The stale and sticky beer stretches far away.”