FROSH 2019 ISSUE

Free Beer/NonAlch for every mistake found @ Publications Blues Pub

A Plumber’s Faucet Production

The Theatre Issue

VOLUME XXXVI ISSUe I FROSH ISSUE 2019

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVI No. I

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Editor-In-Chief Hugo Schutzberg

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Writers

Thank you for making it out to tonight’s performance by The Plumber’s Faucet Theatre Company.

We have been rehearsing all summer to provide you with an enjoyable show that will make you laugh, cry, and smell.

Lisa Vlasova Denbeigh Whitmarsh Finn Boyle Ismail Benchekroun

Illustrators

Denbeigh Whitmarsh(Cover) Ismail Benchekroun (Meme) Jules (Mime)

I am incredibly proud of the work this cast has put on and hope you appreciate it also while reading it on the toilet.

Disclaimer

As mentioned in the star on the cover for every mistake you find in a Faucet Issue we will give you a free beer during happy hour of the EUS publications Blues Pub.

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

We would like to welcome you to the wonderful world of The Plumber’s Faucet a monthly satircal/ comedy magazine published straight outta the McGill EUS. Here you will be able to find funny things and if you ever feel like writing a funny article yourself send us an email at faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Your editor,

Hugo Schutzberg

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXVI no. I

August, 2019

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FROSH 2019

ARTS STUDENTS WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEY AREN’T IN ENGFROSH

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVI No. I

Grease Review

by Finn Boyle

The newest production of the Broadway classic Grease is guaranteed to be a fun romp for the whole family, provided your asshole of a wife hasn’t divorced you and is suing for full custody.

The return of the hit musical breathes new life into songs fondly remembered by many a people’s childhood. Summer Lovin’ and Grease Lightning are bound to warm your heart and fill you with nostalgia for simpler childhood days. Those are nice, aren’t they? Childhood days. Everything was simpler, summer loving had you a blast. Things were better back then. You didn’t have to worry about things like child support and going home to an empty bed. It’s a lot easier going to bed without tears in your eyes, you know?

The way the play captures the optimism and vitality of youth in 1950s America is truly a sight to behold. Greasers and Pinks dance and sing as they find themselves united by the overpowering feeling of love, without fear that they’ll knock up their girlfriend and end up in a loveless marriage where you slowly wither together and resent each other, spending each day speaking less and less, as if there’s this hollow shell of a person you once knew who once could light up your life and now is yelling at you that you’re “sad” and “pathetic” and need to “get a real job instead of writing for a student newspaper all day”. And so what if you need a little drink now and then to just help you through the day, you know? What harm did a small beer – just one FREAKING beer Carol! – ever do to anyone? Jesus Christ it’s like I can’t even breathe around you anymore. I remember when we used to be together and I felt something when Danny Zuko talked about his multiplying chills, but now those chills are real Carol. They’re real! And they’re cold! And they’re multiplying! It’s not good that they’re multiplying! They’re not supposed to be multiplying. Chills aren’t a good thing Carol. They’re not a thing you’re supposed to have a lot of. Normally, when regular people – people who don’t feel constantly alone and crushed – get chills, they see a doctor! So what the fuck is this pretty boy leather jacket greaser talking about when he says his chills are multiplying? Run Danny, run! You don’t know what you’re doing you idiot. You had a career ahead of you, a future! You could have been a track star! Now look at you, singing at some end of year thing. Don’t fall in love Danny, it’s a trap, it’s a lie, a goddamn lie musical writers make up to sell tickets. I mean what are you thinking, that this beautiful Sandy is just gonna stay with you ‘for better and for worse’? That she won’t just pop out kid one and kid two and then take them away to her parents because you’re “negligent” and “childish” and you “didn’t even show up to their births”? Christ man, it’s just a lie. There’s nothing for nice guys like you and me Danny. You have to get out while you can. Stay with Kenickie. He was cool. He was fun. Never forget your friends man. They won’t stab you in the back just because “you’re not a good father” and you “can’t even remember what grade your kids are in” The revival of Grease is guaranteed to fill you with joy for a few fleeting moments before the despair of life kicks in. It will be performed next Wednesday at 6:30pm.

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FROSH 2019

“Don’t Say Macbeth”- A History

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by Harry Skinner

The great art of theatre is one of the oldest traditions in the human world. Plays have been put on for generations. Centuries, even. Milleni–wait, is it Milleniums? Millenii? Millenices? Yeah, that’s it.

Ahem, millenices, even. Thus, it has a rich culture and countless traditions, from stupid ass games your stage manager said would help you warm up, to pre-rehearsal superstitions, to certain phrases one should never say in a theatre. This one is actually very serious. Never should an actor, director, or member of a cast or crew, while present in the space that is the theatre, utter the name “Macbeth.” This sounds silly, but make no mistake: breaking this rule can, and will, lead to dire consequences. The following is an overview of the calamities that have come upon theatre companies after someone said the cursed name in the theatre.

April 2, 1984 Newcastle, England: The lighting de-

April 14, 1865

signer on a production of The Phantom of the Opera, in an attempt after a dress rehearsal to impress the intern with his extensive portfolio of past productions, happened to mention that he had worked on a production of Macbeth. Much to the dismay of the cast and crew, when they opened the next day, during the very first scene, the chandelier fell from the ceiling. Needless to say this did not bode well for the success of the production.

night’s run of Our American Cousin, the director decided to motivate his players by assuring them that they were a much more skilled cast than that which he had previously worked with on a production of–you guessed it–Macbeth. You may recognize the date as one that lives somewhat in infamy in the United States, for that very night, during the performance, the beloved president, Abraham Lincoln, was assassinated in that very theatre. It was a truly sad day for the nation, and was infuriatingly preventable.

June 23, 1973 Denver, Colorado: The night before closing on an amateur production of Waiting for Godot, the lead actor was quoted saying, “What the hell do you mean I can’t say Macbeth in the theatre? What’s gonna happen, huh? Is he gonna come get me? Is the big ol’ ghost of Macbeth gonna come and spook me?” Truly, the mind boggles at the audacity of this actor, who later asked that his name be taken off of the production. As fate would have it, during the closing show the next night, Godot never even showed up at all. The actors were forced to improvise an ending, which involved falling trousers and a suicide pact. Definitely not one for the ages.

Washington D.C.: While warming up for that

February 12, 2014 Fairfield, Connecticut: A high school theatre teacher made the rookie mistake of putting on a production of Macbeth on in his theatre, without changing the name of the titular character, resulting in–and I’m not exaggerating–DOZENS of utterances of the name that must not be said over the course of the rehearsal process. For such a dire infraction of the historic rule, the consequences lasted for the entire run of the show. For the next two weeks, parents of the cast and crew were subjected to a tired, trite, and, most importantly, high school level production of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Surely this example alone would convince anyone to avoid saying you-know-what in a theatre.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVI No. I

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Due to budget cuts, the next two articles are written by Otman’s Brother

Shakespeare NOT Ahead of His Time For decades, the triple-threat thespian has been cited as an influence on many of our current Broadway stars we’ve grown to know and love. It’s even been said that famous works like Arthur Laurents’ “West Side Story” (1957) and Baz Luhrman’s “Romeo + Juliet” (1996) were somewhat based on Shakespeare’s earlier texts. His iconic style has also been popularly parodied by a lot of people who write comedy for Saturday Night Live – you know – like John Mulaney. “It’s all in good fun,” said funnyman Mulaney in an inclusive interview for The Faucet’s Tap. “He was ahead of his time.”

That’s the line that bothered me. When I was a child, I would constantly hear people saying that the English playwright was ahead of his time. But what does that mean? The claim is often followed by an appraisal of his epic art, but can a creator’s oeuvre really curve the passage of Father Time? If I’ve never written a play, or even a sonnet, where do I stand with respect to the passage of time?

I asked John Mulaney what he meant by his Shakespeare comments, to which he explained, “William’s time was mostly late 16th century Great Britain, and William was… ahead of it.” Clearly, the comedian was too busy writing Saturday Night Live sketches to take this investigation seriously. So, I did some digging…

After an exhausting forty minutes of digging in a Stratford, UK cemetery, I found a decayed corpse. It looked very much like it had been there for at least 400 years, but to be sure, I ran a couple DNA tests. The results were just as I suspected, William Shakespeare had been underground, DEAD, for at least 450 years. This means that the Richard II writer was very likely alive and busy in the Elizabethan era, if not earlier, and thus he was not ahead of his time. One could say he was very much in his time, maybe even a little behind it.

It’s a lot to take in, I know. If you are angry upon learning this and wish to put Shakespeare in his place, please do not worry. He already is – by definition – put in his place, because that is how language works.

Seth Rogen Tries Theatre and Honestly Same The Superbad co-writer is adapting his hit film Superbad into a Broadway show and honestly… I don’t think I can do this. Satire, articles… it’s all so detached, I need to be personal or else I feel neglectful of my readers’ humanity as well as my own.

For those who noticed, yes, it is me. Otman’s Brother is back and it sure feels good. I feel like a baby learning to use similes. And much like a baby, I’ve been working on myself. After I was temporarily laid off for using hyperbole in an earlier issue of this magazine (allegedly), I have spent my four-month hiatus trying to be better. I’ve been made aware that my confidence translates to arrogance, my intelligence translates to pretentiousness, and when I am genuine people think I’m abhorrently boring. Twitter has been a kind platform allowing me to develop my awful qualities while also letting me stay true to myself. I have written a variety of Twitter posts ranging from “wait so old and school are lame, but old-school isn’t?!” to my most recent one: “Time flies when that’s what you name your pet bird – who can fly.” Progress is happening, with the latter Twitter post receiving all-time appraisal, having gotten double the number of Faves than my prior two Twitter posts – combined…

The Faucet must’ve taken notice of my clout and so they’ve asked me back as a writer on a trial basis. After I

Next Page

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVI No. I submit a few ‘normal’ articles they may let me start writing my signature stories for future editions of the magazine. And if anyone can moisten the dry comedy desert that is McGill University… it’s Seth Rogen – who is now trying theatre.

And honestly same. (pls follow @BrotherOtman on twitter)

Best of Shakespeare: Top 5 Sex Jokes

by LISA VLASOVA

Shakespeare has a reputation for being the world’s greatest dramatist and whatnot, but he’s not just any famous author. Our boy the Bard is a cool famous author, notorious for his sensual side.

What are we waiting for?* Let’s get “Shakespearienced**” by looking at the 5 naughtiest jokes he slipped onto the stage!

#5 - Richard III: Act I, Scene iii

FIRST MURDERER Tush!

Fear not, my lord, we will not stand to prate; Talkers are no good doers: be assured We come to use our hands and not our tongues.

What a cheeky guy! In this scene we see him and his partner in crime meet their new employer - the Duke of Gloucester, aka the play’s namesake Richard III. First Murderer is quick to compliment his boss’ booty, excitedly exclaiming “Tush!” Although he then remarks he’s not that keen on anilingus - “not our tongues” - he and his partner in crime have “come to use [their] hands.” Saucy workplace romance!!

THESEUS

#4 - Midsummer Night’s Dream: Act I, Scene i

Hippolyta, I woo’d thee with my sword, And won thy love, doing thee injuries; Shakespeare is just hiding this erotic stuff in plain sight. How more phallic can you get than by saying “my sword”?? Maybe by adding the adjectives “large and wide”... but I digress. Clearly Hippolyta became enamoured with a very specific part of Theseus’ anatomy when they first got hot and heavy - and those two like it so hard-core that he was “doing [her] injuries”!

#3 - The Comedy of Errors: Act III, Scene ii ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What is your will that I shall do with this?

ANGELO ANGELO

Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.

What please yourself, sir: I have made it for you.

Go home with it and please your wife withal; Quick bit of background: Angelo is a goldsmith

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

who has made a chain for Antipholus of Ephesus...

Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.

But it turns out this guy of Ephesus has a identical

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twin with an identical name (except he’s from Syracuse). Neither twin knows the other is in town, and identity confusion ensues.

That aside, Angelo is telling the man he believes is his customer both to “please yourself” and to “[g]o home with it and please your wife withal”... This use of innuendo virtually spells out that the gold chain is an ancient sex toy. Kinky!!

#2 - Romeo and Juliet: Act I, Scene iii LADY CAPULET This precious book of love, this unbound lover, To beautify him, only lacks a cover: In this scene where Lady Capulet is promoting the idea of a marriage-match with the noble Paris to her daughter Juliet, it gets pretty steamy.

First, Juliet’s mom compares Paris to a “precious book of love”: the Kama Sutra. By her logic, since he knows all the sex positions out there, he’s an excellent lover.3 Second, she creates a lush visual image of “this unbound” - i.e. naked! - “lover***”.

Now, scholars have debated for decades over whether the “cover” Paris is missing “[t]o beautify him” is a condom or rather a lover (Juliet) draped over him. I’m going to side with the latter camp because I’m pretty sure Lady Capulet would have wanted grandchildren ASAP from her 13-year-old.

#1 - Hamlet: Act III, Scene i HAMLET To be, or not to be? That is the question This is one of the most memorable moments from Shakespeare’s plays, and with good reason.

As we know, Hamlet is holding a skull as he delivers those lines. The skull is in fact a metaphor for dying a virgin. Hamlet’s deep contemplation of whether he should renounce his vow of chastity in the face of his strong attraction to the beautiful Ophelia is a very moving and iconic moment. Furthermore, its erotic power is made all the more potent by the fact that nothing about his lust (or chastity vow) is made explicit in this scene.

Deep! Sexy!! Shakespeare! * I often wait for the bus. Or the metro. You’re very lucky if you don’t live on the South Shore. ** If you hadn’t read any Shakespeare before, please don’t worry about the fact that this stuff was written in the 16th century and contains a funky turn of phrase or two. I’m taking a Shakespeare class this semester so, not to brag, but I’m like totally an expert now. I haven’t checked my grade for the midterm yet - myCourses is such a drag - but I’m sure I passed! *** For the record, I disagree, but I’m trying to be scholarly here so my personal opinion on the Kama Sutra doesn’t really matter.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVI No. I

Famous Playwrights Airymole, Jean Cinerat, and Pierre Nezcorne Convince National Québec Theatre Board to Reinstall Five Rules of French Classical Theatre Come September 2019

by Denbeigh

Sat, March 3rd, 2019

Last Tuesday, three of Québec’s most well-known contemporary playwrights convinced the National Québec theatre board to reinstall the five rules of Classical French theatre, which state that all plays must provoke emotion, not be shocking to the audience, and maintain a unity in time, place, and action. As these rules were what made the Classical theatre period in France unarguably the most successful in history (according to some), Québec playwrights Airymole, Jean Cinerat, and Pierre Nezcorne insisted that if Québec were to mandate that all plays henceforth produced in Québec followed the same rules, then it only made sense that Québec would be instantly as famous and well-cultured as their ancestors across the pond. The playwrights argue that this would also solve the centuries-old battle against Parisian artistic and cultural hegemony, which has always made Kebs feel culturally inferior, and is perhaps why many turned to Joual to fight back, as if to beat out the institutional flowers of the Classical French language with backhoes, rocks, and hockey sticks.

Thus, reintroducing these five rules would effectively pull Joual from the streets of Quebec, “like weeds from a garden,” stated Cinerat in an interview. “It would be so good for the population, if everyone were to speak with proper syntax for a change! Just imagine the educational essor that would occur,,” added Airymole, looking dreamily into the ceiling tiles while clutching his heart with both hands.

Nezcorne says the transition will take time, but believes that the summer is enough for playwrights to educate themselves on the subject, and make any adjustments needed before their next shows. He told reporters that the change would “take a bit to get used to, sure, but I predict that we’ll have produced our own Molières, Racines, and Corneilles in fewer than five years!” Needless to say, we will be reporting on drama in the theatre world in Québec come September, as well as on the riots that will undoubtedly arise in the Plateau late August.

A Poem About Theatres Oh theatre, Dear theatre, Were there an anteater, He’d rejoice at thought That all those tomatoes might rot And attract the audience of his dreams.

Oh Romeo, Oh Romeo, Let down thy hair, Or I’ll huff and I’ll puff And I’ll let loose this bear.

And you’ll hear the audience erupt into screams.

Miming, Mining,

by Scitreighot ft. Dreigh Bo

Kinda the Same thing.

And now the question you ask me: To pee, Or not to pee?

Said the drunk girl At the party.

I need to let loose, But I can’t find mother goose.

And brother Grim Just left On a whim.

Oh Theatre, Dear Theatre,

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Running down the street, Which one will I choose to eat?

Actor actor actor, Can’t you see?

Somehow theatres captivate me.

FROSH 2019

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MANAGEMENT STUDENTS WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEY AREN’T IN ENGFROSH

Exaserbated Mime Feels Professionally Boxed In

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVI No. I

“Don’t Say Macbeth” A History

by Harry Skinner

The great art of theatre is one of the oldest traditions in the human world. Plays have been put on for generations. Centuries, even. Milleni–wait, is it Milleniums? Millenii? Millenices? Yeah, that’s it.

Ahem, millenices, even. Thus, it has a rich culture and countless traditions, from stupid ass games your stage manager said would help you warm up, to pre-rehearsal superstitions, to certain phrases one should never say in a theatre. This one is actually very serious. Never should an actor, director, or member of a cast or crew, while present in the space that is the theatre, utter the name “Macbeth.” This sounds silly, but make no mistake: breaking this rule can, and will, lead to dire consequences. The following is an overview of the calamities that have come upon theatre companies after someone said the cursed name in the theatre.

April 2, 1984 Newcastle, England: The lighting designer on a production of The Phantom of the Opera, in an attempt after a dress rehearsal to impress the intern with his extensive portfolio of past productions, happened to mention that he had worked on a production of Macbeth. Much to the dismay of the cast and crew, when they opened the next day, during the very first scene, the chandelier fell from the ceiling. Needless to say this did not bode well for the success of the production.

June 23, 1973

Denver, Colorado: The night before closing on an amateur production of Waiting for Godot, the lead actor was quoted saying, “What the hell do you mean I can’t say Macbeth in the theatre? What’s gonna happen, huh? Is he gonna come get me? Is the big ol’ ghost of Macbeth gonna come and spook me?” Truly, the mind boggles at the audacity of this actor, who later asked that his name be taken off of the production. As fate would have it, during the closing show the next night, Godot never even showed up at all. The actors were forced to improvise an ending, which involved falling trousers and a suicide pact. Definitely not one for the ages.

April 14, 1865

Washington D.C.: While warming up for that night’s run of Our American Cousin, the director decided to motivate his players by assuring them that they were a much more skilled cast than that which he had previously worked with on a production of–you guessed it–Macbeth. You may recognize the date as one that lives somewhat in infamy in the United States, for that very night, during the performance, the beloved president, Abraham Lincoln, was assassinated in that very theatre. It was a truly sad day for the nation, and was infuriatingly preventable.

February 12, 2014 Fairfield, Connecticut: A high school theatre teacher made the rookie mistake of putting on a production of Macbeth on in his theatre, without changing the name of the titular character, resulting in–and I’m not exaggerating–DOZENS of utterances of the name that must not be said over the course of the rehearsal process. For such a dire infraction of the historic rule, the consequences lasted for the entire run of the show. For the next two weeks, parents of the cast and crew were subjected to a tired, trite, and, most importantly, high school level production of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Surely this example alone would convince anyone to avoid saying you-know-what in a theatre.

Printed at CopiEUS

FROSH 2019

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Saturday, March 16th and Thursday, April 4th

Stand FREE Up COMEDY Comedy SHOW

THursdays Bi-Weekly Printed at CopiEUS

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Join Queer Engineer!

Queer Engineer is an EUS Club that works towards promoting awareness and providing a safe and welcoming environment for all members of the LGBTQ+ community in engineering.

We organize multiple events throughout the year such as meet and greets, activities and outings, networking events, and study parties. All are welcome to participate, and we greatly encourage anyone who is interested in having a great time to come on by this coming year. It’s a great way to make new friends and learn more about LGBTQ+ culture.

For more info, please check out our Facebook page or email us at

queer.engineer@mcgilleus.ca.

Join McGill Improv!

McGill Improv hosts weekly workshops on Saturdays! 1pm-3pm normally in the McConnell Engineering Basement.

No prior experience is required and all levels are welcomed!

We do both short and long format improv! Check our facebook out at McGill Improv and come to our performances this term! for more info email us at mcgillimprov@gmail.com

WRITE FOR THE FAUCET!!

PLEASE READ THIS!!!!

We need writers, illustrators, editors, all the help we can get!

You should join us here at The Plumber’s Faucet! It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a humour magazine, and is a great way to get new friends and slip into the McGill comedy world.

We literally consider ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or no. We publish our magazine’s once a month!

For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us:

faucet@mcgilleus.ca

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVI No. I

‘Avant-Garde’ Actor Really Just Serial Killer

by Finn Boyle WEST END, LONDON – Marcus Apollo, the theatre world’s newest up-and-coming avant-garde wunderkind is really just kind of a psycho, claims everyone who works with him. “I don’t really know how he got this far” claims his talentless co-star Dame Judi Dench, “he’s a total maniac.”

The enfant terrible, famous for his experimental style of acting, attracted criticisms after his latest performance – a nonconventional production of Hamlet – ended with him leaping off the stage and attacking several audience members.

“It was really bizarre” says absolute cretin Jeremy Powell, “one moment he’s up there duelling Laertes, the next he’s down in the seats, slashing some lady and skewering this geezer with a broadsword. I was actually into it until he began skinning this one bloke and yelled ‘Kneel before your king!’”

Dame Dench – who played Hamlet’s mother – herself had to be rushed to hospital later that night after it was discovered Marcus Apollo had laced her prop drink with real poison. “It’s what Shakespeare would have wanted”, claimed the creative mastermind.

Mr. Apollo was apprehended by Scotland Yard but let go later that night after defending himself under jus aestheticus – an old defence that allows someone to murder another human being provided said slaying carries artistic merit.

“It can be hard for most people to understand”, said genius Marcus Apollo, “art requires a greater commitment than many are willing to give.”

This isn’t the first time the acclaimed actor has drawn controversy from simpletons. He was arrested in Los Angeles during the production of the film Lee – the biopic of Lee Harvey Oswald. Apollo, who played the titular role, attempted to assassinate the President of the United States during a moment of what he called “method acting.” “I’m just all about the art” defended the actor.

“He’s not ‘all about the art’” retorted the aging and overrated Dame Dench. “He’s really just a serial killer. Why can’t people see that?”

The mesmerizing and handsome actor will return to the stage for tomorrow’s production of Hamlet, where his mother will now be portrayed by an understudy.

UPDATE: Incoming reports suggest the cowardly understudy has fled the country. Hamlet’s mother will now be played by a woman chosen at random from the audience.

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