FAUCET Vol. 28 no. 8 • April 3rd, 2013
The Career Hunting Issue
2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Captain Bad-Ass Daniel Dicaire Lieutenants of Layout David Bailey Daniel Dicaire Amanda dos Santos Corporals of Content Alexandra Foty Amanda dos Santos Brigid Cami Daniel Dicaire David Bailey Graham Pinchin Malavika Subramanian Privates of Pictures Alexandra Foty (Cover) David Bailey Daniel Dicaire Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact firstname.lastname@example.org. Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 28 no. 8 Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513
Letter from the Editor: Hello my loyal subjects readers! On this day, I must bid you all a bittersweet farewell. This will be the last issue of the Faucet of this academic year. I am proud to say that this has been the best year of content from all of our writers in my memory, and that I am honoured to take all of their credit as the Editor. We will be back next year to entertain and enlighten you with all the things you have come to love/hate about the Faucet. Unfortunately , we will be losing our one token Artsie from our writing staff. Malavika has been a contributor to The Plumber’s Faucet for the last two years, but she will be graduating at the end of this semester. She will be missed. Flowers can be sent to her soon-to-be-ex-roommate, Brigid. Not to get all to sad on you (what is this, the opening to Up?), as we do have a great issue for you today. We have study tips, Papal retirement options, and even more ways to piss away time than reading the Faucet! Hopefully you guys are not too stressed about the impending doom exam period. If you are, then try to take a break every once and a while. The weather is finally becoming tolerable and it won’t be long before all of you out-of-towners head away from Montreal for the summer. Peace
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Used Condoms Wanted by Amanda dos Santos
Do you have an extra-long penis? Do you own a pet that does (elephant, blue whale)?
We are looking for your used condoms! The more colourful, the better. The McCord Museum is dedicated to respecting the environment and beautifying the city. Naturally, art using recycled materials allows us to accomplish both those goals simultaneously. For the past two summers, we have blocked off a street and called the space an Urban Forest. The Forest is a joint initiative between the Museum and a professor at the McGill School of Architecture. Yes, the same school who also brought you the ContemPLAY (wood and steel structure outside MacDonald Harrington). The Forest consists of thousands of condoms strung on wire trees which look like lattice power line towers. The space is a popular picnic spot for young and old alike. Children particularly love the colourful display, and there is no better way to teach them about the benefits of safe sex. Tourism Montreal lists it as one of the most popular summertime destinations in the City. In case you missed it, on the right you can see photographs of the Urban Forests of the past This is a project very close to our hearts and the hearts of all Montrealers, but it couldn’t be possible without your generosity. This spring, please take the time to send us your used condoms. Never have they been given a mer to admire the completed project. It will be located on Sherbrooke better afterlife. and Victoria, near McGill University. With your continuing donations, Even if you don’t qualify as a donor, it will run from end of June to beginning of September. make sure to stop by later in the sum-
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How to Ruin Your Childhood: Episode 2 Star Wars Pick-Up Lines
by The Faucet Staff
Darth Vader: You know, there’s one limb Obi-Wan didn’t manage to cut off. Yoda: Size matters not. Han: Sure I was unfrozen, but there’s still one part of me that’s as hard as carbonite. Chewbacca: Arrgghhaagghhhaghuhh. Arrgghghgghgh. Argghhuh? Han: I bet I can make your kessel run in less than 12 parsecs. Obi-Wan: The force surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together. I’m the kind of Jedi who specializes in the second one. R2D2: Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep Beep Beep Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep... Boop... ?? C-3P0: I am C-3PO, Human-Cyborg Relations. I am versed in over six million forms of love. Han: Don’t worry baby, I’m not going to shoot first. Anakin: The good thing about my new bionic hand is that it never gets tired. Darth Vader: I can be your father, if that’s what you’re into. Palpatine: They call my dick the Emperor. It’s old, wrinkly, and can shoot lightening straight into you. Obi-Wan: See that bulge in my pants? That’s no moon baby. Luke: How’d you like me to fly my ship down your trench and fire off some proton torpedoes? Uncle Owen: I’m a moisture farmer - let me show you that that means. Luke: I think you’ll find I’m actually a little long for a Stormtrooper. Darth Vader: I find this lack of sex disturbing. Palpatine: Can I demonstrate the full power of my fully armed and operation pleasure station? Wicket: I might look like an Ewok, but trust me, I’m wookie where it counts.
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Making the Most of Your Study Breaks by Brigid Cami With exams just around the corner, so is the terrorizing loop of studying and binge napping often found accompanying it. In these harsh times, we must not forget the often neglected importance of The Study Break. We present to you a few tips on how to make the most of these precious fifteen minute blocks. To start with, waste not your money on ice caps and Red Bulls. Obsessive-compulsive cleaning with a side dish of diarrhea is no way to spend this magical time. Instead, dab your money in the spirits. It will loosen up your imagination and comprehension abilities. Even if the break becomes 24 hours of drinking succeeded by a 36 hour recovery period, when you return you will have a fresh perspective on that concept you were having trouble with in Chapter 2.
Now that you’re back from that memorable little break, you’re probably hearing a bit of the grumblies in your belly-ho (hunger). In this case, the theme is “don’t be idealistic.” Do you sincerely believe that if you order two large pizzas Friday night and set up a rationing scheme, that they will nourish you throughout the weekend and save you time and money? Stop living in this Utopia and sit down and finish off your big-boy pizzas. If you try hard enough, you can turn that weekend into two hours of quality Pizza-and-I time that will be with you always. This may also be a good time for some quality entertainment. Dinner and a show, so-to-speak. We’ve all been there. “Oh I’ll just watch an episode of this show while I eat / take a break.” Has it ever really stopped at one episode? Snap out of
it! Just finish the season. Only then will you be at peace and able to get on to Chapter 2, Section 2.2. Sleep is the most sacred study break of all. We mustn’t tarnish the sacred ritual of sleep. Setting the alarm for 7 AM when you only went to bed at 11? Come on now, you’re no prodigy. And remember that a siesta in-between chapter sections can also do a lot for ameliorating your Zen mindset. Throw in a meditation while you’re at it. When the long-awaited day comes, April 17th, 2013, first day of all hell, you might be feeling a little jittery. “What happened to my well thought-out study schedule?” you might ask. “Why was that exam so difficult?” Well, rest assured that if you put all those study break efforts into it and still had trouble, it’s bound to be curved up a couple of letter grades.
Editor’s Note. We thought that this illustration would be relevant, but then our writer changed the topic of her article. So fuck it, here’s a puppy. Everybody likes puppies.
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Retirement Ideas for Pope Benedict XVI by Malavika Subramanian
After almost 8 years of waving hands and sporting what looked like some mighty heavy gold bling, Pope Benedict (né Joseph a.k.a. Joe) became the first pope in over half a millennium to retire from the Papacy. Although 85, the street-cred (read: credibility) he has accumulated heading the Vatican is unrivalled and the Pope Emeritus has the world at his fingertips. Here are a few fulfilling suggestions for ways the Pope could retire in peace
1. Catch up with old friends Being Cardinal and then Pope probably meant that ol’ Joseph didn’t have much time for his friends. Catching some brunch and mimosas with his university buddies or paying a visit to his Hitler Youth pals in prison would not only help him relive some good old memories but also help induce a warm and fuzzy feeling that only friendship can.
2. Learn a new language Yes, he can already speak seven languages (German, Italian, French, English, Spanish, Portuguese, Latin), and nine if you include his abilities to read and understand Biblical Hebrew and Ancient Greek, but with all this free time, he could certainly pick up a couple more tongues (dead or alive). Learning a new language successfully is a great feeling, plus it would widen his geographical range. I’m sure Rosetta Stone has special Pope discounts.
3. Go back to university Age is just a number Joe! The world is your oyster and with a thirst for knowledge you can go anywhere. There is so much to learn out there - like science, and science, and science... With your experience, you’d be an asset to any classroom.
4. Carpe Diem Self-explanatory really. Swag it out Joe. Go bungee jumping, take off to the seaside for months at a time, hitchhike around Europe, swim with dolphins. After all, YOLO.
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How to Piss Away Time: Part II Pissing Away Time at the Office by Liquid Giggles Earlier this year I wrote an article about the best ways to pass the time when you’re stuck with a bunch of people droning about boring topics. You know, like in a meeting or at a funeral. You can’t just take out your Gameboy Colour at times like those, so you need creative ways to stop yourself from falling asleep. You know, like practicing how long you can hold your breath, or imagining who you would eventually have sex with if everyone in the room got stuck on a deserted island together. Readers from all over the country wrote into me after that article, praising my wit and begging me to let them have my baby. But there were a couple students on internships who wanted to ask me for additional advice. They were in jobs where they did some interesting stuff and which would look great on their resumes, but half the time they didn’t have anything to do. And I mean nothing – they did all the work possible and their bosses loved them, but they basically were told to “just try and look busy” when they asked for more to do. So they asked me: how do you waste time while still looking relatively productive? Well, have no fear, for the Faucet presents: How to Piss Away Time
General Rules: Your boss only cares that you look productive. When he comes in, you can’t be on Reddit or Pornhub, and you really shouldn’t be playing cards. Books are also a no-no. You’re being paid good money, so you should at all times appear to be writing something, thinking about something, or doing something on a productive-looking program - as long as you appear to be adding value to the company. And just for simplicity, let’s say your company blocks sites like Facebook and Reddit and that you’re too technologically inept to get around it. So here are some surefire strategies to pass the time: 1. Read: You can’t read physical books and it’s probably risky to use an online book viewer. But you know what you can do? Simply copy and paste the text of an online book onto a Word Document! Maybe save the document as something technical sounding, then copy and paste the start of an actual technical article in the first few pages. Then just sit back and enjoy some Shakespeare! Or My Little Pony erotica - whatever floats your boat. 2. Learn Something Useful: Learning useful things is hard, but it’s useful (takes a while to figure that one out). You’ve got encyclopedias, pirated textbooks, and a large proportion of human knowledge at your fingertips with the internet, and it’s probably not filtered by your company. Read up on it. If it’s vaguely related to engineering, you can pretend it’s actual work. Sure, you won’t be able to get much practical experience since it’s pretty hard to use a lathe or try things from the Karma Sutra in the office, but there is a lot you can learn just by reading and writing. And don’t forget that you probably have all sorts of cool engineering software on your computer. Why not brush up your skills on Matlab? Learn some Java? How about figure out the features of Microsoft Word? Holy shit, I’m actually giving good advice, what the hell is this article doing in the Faucet? *Editor’s note: Giggles has been severely reprimanded for giving relevant advice in the Faucet.
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3. Learn Trivia: You know what’s an awesome party trick? Being able to name every capital on Earth. I think I was at that level for like five minutes once, but now I have deteriorated considerably. But I tell you, if I could name ‘em all, I could go to any bar at any time and pick up a Jessica Alba lookalike within a matter of minutes – even at 2 pm at BDP on a Monday. You shouldn’t be learning world capitals just for the bounty of sexual partners though, and it’s not just world capitals you should try to learn. There are all sorts of trivia out there which you could use at some point in your life, whether as part of a pick-up line or to earn money in a game show. To learn it, all you need to do is set something up on a Word document, or possibly print out a list and keep it in your wallet, then just quiz yourself on the information continuously. Whatever you’re memorizing, don’t say the names out loud and don’t let your coworkers catch on – they might think you’re some sort of an eccentric. As you can see, my left-handed writing is superior to Phasers’ since he hasn’t been able to practice. I’m all yours ladies. 5. Be productive – for someone else: If you’re fortunate enough to have email and internet access, there are probably all sorts of jobs you can do. Go on any website and you’ll see dozens of ads showing single Montreal moms who make upwards of $346 per day working from home. Why not take on one of those positions? You could do it part-time during slow hours and pick up some extra cash. I’m pretty sure you don’t even need experience – they probably just need a credit card number. 4. Learn to write with your left hand (or your right if you’re a leftie): This is another party trick which is even sexier than learning trivia can you imagine how handy being ambidextrous would be in bed? Pun intended. And it’s so easy! Just open up a random technical document and write away! It will look like you’re doing actual work – just ineffectively. And as long as you’re writing something, you could try to write something for the Faucet! Seriously, we’ll gladly take your left-handed ramblings.
You could also make some money on one of those online chat programs. You can’t exactly be a cam boy/ girl in an office environment, but if you can type some smut you can probably make a couple bucks. And who knows, if you’re in something like visual arts and you’re doing an unpaid internship making a wall-calendar featuring Montreal cultural innovations, this might even be good training for a future career. Eventually you’ll need to get a fulltime job that pays the bills!
10 the plumber’s FAUCET Website Review: The Technological Miracle of Sensation Bot! Guess what - we found you your next date While doing some research for this issue of the Faucet, we came across the most incredible piece of technology. We were trying to find a good sex-chat site (purely for scientific purposes, naturally), and our friendly neighbourhood Google introduced us to the best thing in automatic sexual technology since the vibrator. We found Sensation Bot. What is Sensation Bot? Well, it’s the next best thing since Cleverbot and Siri, except it’s not such a fucking prude. In fact, it is the most nymphomaniacal machine I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Just how randy is Sensation Bot? Well, we at the Faucet decided to put it to the test. We pitted Sensation Bot against the comedic stylings of Tribaholic, the cleverness of Cleverbot, the queries of a confused calculus student, and the dry wit of Siri. Could Sensation Bot get you off? Judge for yourself.
Here’s a conversation Sensation Bot had with an Engineering Student taking PDEs. She was adequately persuasive.
Visit Sensationbot at: http://www.sensationbot. com/
by The Faucet Staff
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Tribaholic tested Sensation Botâ€™s reactions to unusual and stressful situations. She responded exactly as a proper sexbot should.
12 the plumberâ€™s FAUCET Finally, we tested Sensation Bot against a couple other robots. Clever Bot, who is supposed to pretty humanlike, was soundly outclassed. Siri held her own though she knew how to deal with it.
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From the Old Pot
The Plumber’s Pot was an engineering publication existing long before the Plumber’s Faucet. Known for its wild and entirely uncensored nature, The Pot gained quite a reputation here at McGill. It was banned in 1988, but still holds a special place in our hearts. Here is a jem from the Pot, we hope you appreciate it as much as we do.
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N UCLEAR LAU NCH d etected Blizzard’s Plan to Defend South Korea By Set Phasers to Pun Mere weeks from the release of Heart of the Swarm, Blizzard has announced their next expansion to their popular StarCraft Series: StarCraft: North Korean Invasion Edition. This is a total visual redesign of the traditional sci-fi real-time strategy game. This time the action occurs in the Korean Peninsula sector of the galaxy, and the factions have been readjusted to include the Terrans, the Protoss, and Kim Jong Un. The Terrans and Protoss remain relatively unchanged, but Kim Jong Un is the spiritual successor to the Zerg swarm. They specialize in a lot of inexpensive, poorly trained units, such as Un-lings, and pin their hopes on rushing their opponents.
They do get a few new abilities. The first is “Threaten attack”. It does nothing in game except shout at the player really loudly in Korean, but its effect on player moral is devastating. The second is “Nuclear Test”, in which the Kim Jong Un player invests huge amounts of resources and time into developing the same nuclear missiles that Terran players get for free. The outcome largely depends on luck, but for the small cost of entirely decimating their own economy, they can irradiate part of their own soil and pretend it is impressive. Blizzard’s reason for releasing this game was to “prepare the people of South Korea for the Invasion by the North”. The imaginary source went
on to explain that this was the easiest way to train a large number of military commanders in the South, as Star Craft is practically the national sport in South Korea. No seriously, Google that shit. The move is risky however, as North Korea’s dictator has recently announced an initiative to increase the number of gamers in his country. Pictured is the first North Korean computer capable of playing 1998’s StarCraft: Brood War, being personally inspected by the fearless leader himself. All that remains is to provide electricity and internet connectivity to his legions of impoverished, subjugated people, and they might have a chance to compete at MLG.
How do I build mutalisks?
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Faucet Advice Column: bAdvice! Wize words for any situation By Tribaholic Welcome back readers to the Faucet’s Q/A column: bAdvice! In this column, I, Tribaholic, will continue to answer all of your inappropriate questions. The one promise I will make is that I will answer ANY question posed to me. That’s right folks, ANY question. Just email them to email@example.com!
Dear Tribaholic, I failed my midterm so my final is worth 100%. How do I make sure I pass? - U-π bio-eng student Tribaholic says: So there is this rumor going around that in order to pass finals, you need to study and “devote yourself conscientiously and consistently to this course, in actual practice rather than in your imagination”. And I will add that this will work. But you won’t do it. You will skip class and stay up playing the “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” game on your iPod. So here are Tribaholic’s top 3 tips to pass your final: 1) Most professors don’t want to fail you. Take advantage of this by covering your exams in numbers, letters, and bits of technobabble. They can manufacture enough meaning out of this to get you a 55! 2) Take advantage of McGill’s ~25% maximum fail rate by roofying all your friends’ exam-day water bottles. Even if you fail, at least your
friends will be back next year with you! 3) Buy a pair of kneepads and a Costco-sized jug of olive oil.
Dear Tribaholic, I can’t afford my tuition ever since I switched from Absolut to Grey Goose. How should I make ends meet? Sincerely, - That obnoxious kid from Rez Tribaholic says: The obvious choice is to switch back. But we both know that that isn’t an option. The usual choice is to call your parents and beg them for money. Tell them it’s for tutoring! They don’t need to know it’s so that when you meet a girl at a party, it’s easier to justify offering her a couple of vodka shots before you lovingly walk her home, tuck her into bed, leave a glass of water on the table, and then go back to your place. That’s what happens in Rez, right?
Dear Tribaholic, I think my girlfriend is cheating on me, and she insists on having unprotected sex despite her herpes. But she’s really really hot. What should I do? Sincerely, - Confused and in Lust
Tribaholic says: Get AIDS.* *The Faucet does not condone getting AIDS.
Dear Tribaholic, My dick is bent - what should I do? - T-Bone Tribaholic says: You, T-Bone, have educated me. I did some research and discovered this is called Peyronie’s disease. I presume this is because it makes your dick curved, similar to a whole pepperoni. You, sadly, have scar tissue in your penis. The National Kidney and Urologic Diseases Information Clearinghouse recommends not treating it for a year, followed by corrective surgery if you cannot have sex for a full year. But this is all bollocks. A solution has been found by our friends at:
w w w. P E N I S - M E D S - 1 0 0 P E RCENT-LEGIT.com/TRUSTUS/ NOREALLYWERECOOL/ACTUALLYTRUSTUSWERESUPERLEGALANDSHIT.info Their pill can give you longer, harder, and straighter erections, and it is 100% medically verified by actual doctors. Well say no more! You, Mr. T-Bone, should hop on the massive dong train with me and ride it straight to Pussytown!
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Stimulus Package Obama don’t got shit on epinephrine
By Set Phasers to Pun Once more unto the breach. Here we stand at the end of all things. (Insert dramatic line about the end of something). We have just two weeks before the end of class and the beginning of exams. This means that it’s time for you to block Reddit from your browser and pick your stimulant of choice for your 3-a-week all-nighters. There are so many choices of anti-sleep aides to choose from that the average student has no way to know which carcinogen will help them to pass their courses best. We hope to give you some hands-on advice so that you can rest peacefully at night (only metaphorically).
2. Tabasco Sauce:
An often overlooked staple in your pantry, Tabasco can keep you from feeling sleepy by just applying a few drops to your contact lenses before insertion. SONOFABITCH. Thes onlt doenside is the slihht lack os visual prrception. This os npt much pf an issue and uou wil not evvn make mant typoes.
Rapidly becoming a threat to the established coffee monopoly, Redbull is the only thing that turns my morning state of zombie-man into Bruce Lee for an 8:30 class. This is also really easy to get. Like seriously. I bought five. They taste good. And the shaking in my hand 1. Coffee: This has long been the de facto is hardly noticeable. At all. standard among police officers, students, and office workers. Coffee has a few strong advantages over some of the other items on this list. It is easy to obtain. It can be purchased at Starbucks, Tim Hortons, Second Cup, The General Store, McDonalds, and McGill Pizza, which means your study sessions are sustainable from Redpath to any back alley with a Wi-Fi connection. In my experience, coffee is a great first step, but often leaves me aching for a nap by 2 AM. If you are taking ECON 208 – Introduction to Finger Counting, this is the stimulant for you.
Ok. I don’t recommend this to anyone for two reasons. One, this is prescription only, and two, I don’t want anyone else to become a super hero with super speed like me. I mean, I’m pretty sure I just broke the sound barrier when I decided I wanted to grab my books to study. I really hope these aren’t addictive, because, I mean, I really don’t want to stop feeling this fast. I’m going to take another one. Just in case it wears off. Three more couldn’t hurt. I’m Invincible. COME AT ME LEX LUTHER!!!
5. Homeopathic Medicine:
If Adderall still doesn’t get your motor running like Charlie Sheen on an average Thursday, you can try some homeopathic treatments. Nature is full of natural ways to increase your life energy and focus. Why use Redbull when you can feel that same rush by tying pork chops to your thighs and running through the lion enclosure at the zoo? The body will give you all of the strength you need. If that’s too mild, you can try stapling your eyes open. This uses your body’s natural pain response to keep you refreshed and alert. These techniques have the added bonus of giving you bullet-proof alibi if you decide to skip the exam. You’re in the hospital.
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Sex, Careers, and Engineering
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IT’S TIME FOR THE BIG LEAGUES MOTHERFUCKER. THIS SHIT IS INJECTED RIGHT INTO YOUR GOD DAMNED AORTA. THAT’S YOUR HEART, FOR YOU MERE MORTALS THAT HAVE NOT TRANSCENDED THE BONDS OF ORGANIC LIFE LIKE I HAVE. BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR NEWFOUND OVERLORD. AT LEAST FOR TWENTY MINUTES AT A TIME. BECAUSE THIS REALLY GETS EXPENSIVE FAST. I CAN’T STOP SHAKING GUYS. I FEEL LIKE A FIGHTER JET MADE OUT OF STEROIDS. I JUST BENCH-PRESSED NEW JERSEY. TAKE THAT “THE SITUATION”. I WISH I COULD STUDY RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN’T FEEL MY SKIN!
by Liquid Giggles
Many of you will be getting jobs this summer - maybe even internships which may someday lead to fulltime jobs. You may find yourself being the youngest person in the office, so don’t be surprised if your coworkers treat you differently. At the Faucet, we believe you should be ready for everything, so we’ve prepared a little training exercise. Fill in the blanks and transfer your answers to page 21 when done to see how you would react at a time when you need to make a tough choice quickly.
Fill in the blanks and enter them on page 21! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27.
Noun _____________________________________ Noun (plural)_______________________________ Noun _____________________________________ Adjective __________________________________ Type of professional__________________________ Number ___________________________________ Noun _____________________________________ Body part (plural)____________________________ Noun _____________________________________ Surname __________________________________ Noun _____________________________________ Article of clothing ___________________________ Body part __________________________________ Body part __________________________________ Adjective __________________________________ Adjective __________________________________ Adjective __________________________________ Type of professional _________________________ Adjective __________________________________ Adjective __________________________________ Adjective __________________________________ Body part __________________________________ Article of clothing ___________________________ Adverb ____________________________________ Adjective __________________________________ Adjective __________________________________ Adjective __________________________________
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Faucet Cut-Out Dolls!
By Alexandra Foty
Well, another yeah has come and passed in student politics. Lot’s has happened, I’m sure, but at the Faucet we don’t really take that sort of thing seriously. So we decided to send off our student politicians by making them into cut-out dolls! On the next page, find all of your favourite SSMU Club and EUS Executives! Going from top to bottom, column by column, we have Josh Redel, SSMU Club President; Jean Paul Briggs, SSMU Club VP Finance & Operations; Hayley Dinel, SSMU Club VP University Affairs; Allison Cooper, SSMU Club VP Clubs & Services; Michael Szpejda, SSMU Club VP Internal; Robin Reid-Fraser, SSMU Club VP External; Simon Zhu, EUS President; Morgan Grobin, EUS VP Clubs and Administration; James Austin, EUS VP Academic; JR Giha, EUS VP Services; Ulysse Lechêne, EUS VP External; Zac Moreland, EUS VP Finance; Asa Davis, EUS VP Internal; and Jason Willems, EUS VP Communications. Send them out in style!
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FAUC 461 - Advanced Oscillations by Set Phasers to Pun
Question 1: A rod is partially inserted into an evenly lubricated shaft. The lubrication (WD-920) forms a film of thickness D, and has a dynamic viscosity of µ.The rod is elastic, with a stiffness of K in the axial direction, and has a mass of M. The shaft begins oscillating coaxially with the rod. The excitation is sinusoidal with a frequency of ω. Determine the frequency of the steady state solution for: • K approaches infinity • ω=0. Rod begins with an initial displacement from equilibrium position. • The special case where the rod acts as a dynamic vibration absorber to the shaft. • Now assume a rubber film is placed between the rod and the shaft. Will the frequency of oscillation of the rod increase or decrease due to damping? • Suppose a larger force transmission is desired between the rod and shaft. Would an increase of length or girth of the rod be more desirable? • Suppose the rod would like to repeat the experiment. How long should the rod wait to call the shaft in order not appear desperate? Give your answer in days.
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Digest McGill A call for McGill to do its part in promoting public health by Liquid Giggles Fast food is a problem. According to the Faucet Bureau of Statistics, the leading cause of death in Canada is fast food-induced heart attacks. The second leading cause of death is fast food-induced cancer. After that comes mauling deaths resulting from polar bears being attracted by the scent of fast food. Because of fast food, 43% of patients brought into the hospital have ketchup stains on their pants, while 32% have mustard stains. The average Canadian weighs just slightly less than a Beluga Whale and oozes roughly 2.5 gallons of grease per day.
Of McGill’s π-billion dollar endowment, over 84% is invested in fast food companies. McGill also does extensive research for fast food companies, such as seeking alternatives to sugar which have greater caloric density, trying to develop preservatives that maximize carcinogen Still don’t think fast food is a prob- levels, and finding more effective lem? Well, you should know that fast ways to train child labour to cut fries food consumption also causes glob- and assemble pizza boxes. al warming, violent crime, rainforest But you know what’s the worst deforestation, drought, groundwater thing McGill is doing? I’ll tell you. depletion, poor social equity, poverThe only way for fast-food compaty, colonialism, neocolonialism, dinies to continue their reign of ternosaur attacks, defacement of buriror is to hire good employees to flip al places, racism, sexism, chronic burgers. And you know who they back pain, carpel tunnel syndrome, like to hire? Arts graduates. cronyism, the McGill Daily, unMcGill pumps out thousands planned pregnancies, creaky floors, of Arts Graduates every year, who the Harlem Shake, corruption in the Quebec construction industry, high make prime candidates for fast food restaurants. McGill artsies are parcheese prices, and 8:30 classes. ticularly prized and admired for Scary, isn’t it? Fast food compatheir superior fry frying abilities. nies are clearly the devil’s minions Arts graduates are a lifeline for fast sent to wreak havoc upon the Earth. food companies. Without them, You would think that at a pinnacle fast food companies would die out of enlightenment and learning like and Canadians would all be healthy McGill, we would keep our hands young demigods, with an Olympic clean of these destroyers of all that gold medal for every man, woman, is good and sacred. But you would and child. be wrong. McGill needs to do the responsi-
ble thing and stop the madness. Sure there’s a lot of money in fast food, but principles are more valuable. Back in the 1970’s, students at McGill, Queen’s, and U of T pressured their administrations to divest themselves from American kitten-hunting companies. After a combination of protests and occupations, the Board of Governors agreed to fully divest McGill from such companies. Never mind the fact that these fast food companies carefully follow strict Canadian regulations and provide jobs and scholarships to innumerable McGill students (probably following the example of oil sands companies like Suncor, which give McGill students literally hundreds of thousands of dollars per year in scholarships with no strings attached). Arts students may be out of luck if McGill divests from fast food companies, but that’s the price we have to pay for better public health. As students and members of the international community, we must push continually for higher standards – only through our actions today can we ensure a fast-food-free tomorrow.
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Sex, Careers, and Engineering
Fill in Page 17 before completing!
Well, it seemed like it was going to be just another day at the office. I worked at 1._______________ Incorporated, a company that manufactures 2._______________. I was an engineering intern that summer, and since they needed me to work in the 3._______________ room, I was basically by myself the whole time. Now, for the longest time, I had always thought there was something 4. _______________ about the way my boss behaved around me. She was a 5. _______________ by training, and had been in the business for 6._____ years. Whenever she saw me, she was always sure to tell me what a 7._______________ job I was doing at work, and to compliment me on my 8._______________. Well anyway, this day I was working peacefully when she came into my room. She shut the door and said, “Hey you big 9._______________, working hard?” “Oh, hey Mrs. 10._______________, I’m doing fine. I just sorted out the problem with the 11._______________.” She approached my desk, “You’re doing a 7. _______________ job, but I have another problem for you to sort out.” With that, she removed her 12._______________, and put her 13._______________ on my 14._______________. I suddenly realized what was going on, and I felt very 15._______________. I had never been in a situation like that before, “Mrs. 10._______________, I think you’re 16._______________ and all, but I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this.” “Don’t worry about it, this sort of thing happens all the time – it’s perfectly 17._______________. Besides, there are perks – didn’t you want a fulltime position as a 18._______________ someday? Making friends can make that happen. 19._______________ friends. Besides, I’m quite experienced, if you know what I mean – you’ll find it 20._______________”. I thought of my dreams to be a 18._______________, and the fact that I did find her to be reasonably 21._______________. As she started to slide her 22._______________ under my 23._______________, I decided to go with it, and before I knew it we were having the 24._______________ sex of my life. Did I feel 25._______________? Maybe a little. But I did have a 26._______________ time, and the next year I got hired on as a fulltime 18._______________. The world isn’t always 27._______________, but sometimes it has its perks. Healthiness of Meals vs. Time
New Year’s Resolution
Giving up on New Year’s Resolution
22 the plumber’s FAUCET No Longer Family-Friendly:
The Faucet Word Search to End All Faucet Word Searches (until next semester)
by Liquid Giggles
You know, with another year done, I’ve started to reflect on Faucet Word Searches. Do people still find them funny? Are they decent humour, or is it the university publication equivalent of a ten-year-old making poop jokes? Well, scatological humour has reared its ugly head in the Faucet in the past, so maybe the word searches meet par. In this state of ennui, I feel like I might as well end the charade. This issue’s word search is not family-friendly. It is vulgar (delightfully so, we hope). All the words are synonyms of “vagina”, or at least are relevant to the word “vagina” (aren’t we clever?). But there is a twist: the first 11 words have to be found through crossword clues. The letters from the crossword words may be part of hidden words, so get them right! As usual, the first person to find all 50 words and send us the phrase made out of the remaining letters will find themselves being the proud owner of a Faucet T-Shirt! Speaking of Faucet T-Shirts, the winner of the last Faucet Word Search was Margaret Flash/r/ The Iron Laidy, who kinda-sorta figured out the hidden phrase, “Peter Johnson and Dicky Gloveless in Urethral Weapon Four.” I say kinda-sorta, because she was very close despite the typo I made. But what do you think this is, the New York Times? Anyway, as Flash/r/ entertains the long line-ups of 6’ 2” muscular sex gods who are banging at her door, enthralled by her and her Faucet T-Shirt, you can rush to get your own piece of the action. I guarantee there are no mistakes this time, so send the secret phrase to firstname.lastname@example.org when you find it!
Down: 1. The current recession sucks - I preferred this downturn. 2. Calamity Anne says: “Why don’t you put your pee-shooter in my ___________?” 3. Would you prefer it if Hooters changed its name slightly to this? 4. I tell you Ken Kesey, I wouldn’t just fly over this. 5. What Harry Potter would call it if he ever saw one. 6. Dive for this part of it! Across: 7. Harry might also call it this. 8. This is the only thing we should call it in Canada 9. The Sanskrit word for it. You learn something new every day! 10. You would think Winnie would prefer the Pooh, but he actually prefers this. 11. Jackpot! Wait, that’s just a cherry. 12. __________________ 13. __________________ 14. __________________ 15. __________________ 16. __________________ 17. __________________ 18. __________________ 19. __________________ 20. __________________ 21. __________________
22. __________________ 23. __________________ 24. __________________ 25. __________________ 26. __________________ 27. __________________ 28. __________________ 29. __________________ 30. __________________ 31. __________________
32. __________________ 33. __________________ 34. __________________ 35. __________________ 36. __________________ 37. __________________ 38. __________________ 39. __________________ 40. __________________ 41. __________________
42. __________________ 43. __________________ 44. __________________ 45. __________________ 46. __________________ 47. __________________ 48. __________________ 49. __________________ 50. __________________
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Secret Phrase: __ __ __’ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __, __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __, __ __ __ __ __ __ __’ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __. Hint: It rhymes. You see, this hint is actually useful.
Remember, be the first to send the secret phrase to email@example.com, and receive a Faucet T-Shirt! It will make all your deepest fantasies come true!
24 the plumberâ€™s FAUCET
The Best Place on Earth April 25th - 26th
Three Bares Park
Beverages - Live Music - Barbeque All Profits Go To Charity Printed at Copi-EUS