The Corporate Issue

The Plumber’s

VOLUME XXXV ISSUE III Tuesday December 4th 2018

The Corporate Issue

Faucet

2

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. IV

CONTRIBUTERS Editor-In-Chief Otman Benchekroun

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Layout Editor Hugo Schutzberg

Copy Editor

Meredith Charney

Writers

Miles Keily-Baxter Harry Skinner Kiana Brett David Lonstein Meredith Charney

Piers Young Daniel Korsunsky Stavroula Pabst Clementine Morissette Steven Greenwood

Illustrators Hugo Schutzberg Tess Van Donkelaar Clementine Morissette Ké Smith (Cover)

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXV no. IV

Tuesday, December 4th 2018

Ah corporations! What would we do without ‘em? Pay less taxes? Pish posh, I say, pish posh! My mom used to say “not all corporations are bad but all bad things are from corporations”. What would our world look like if we didn’t have our daily dose of billboards and advertisment?

Sounds scary doesn’t it?

As you read this edition of The Faucet, think about the impact corporations have had on your life! I remember my first time watching a commericial on the tv it mesmerized me. The bright cartoon mascots the catchy jingle... it was one of the happiest moments of my life!

My brother went corporate and I haven’t seen him since!

Your editor this month,

Hugo Schutzberg

December 4th, 2018

New iPhone found to be entirely functional CEO Tim Cook launches investigation​​

3

by Harry Skinner

The entirety of Apple has been in crisis mode this past week, following the release of the new iPhone XS-iV to the public, however it’s difficult at first to tell exactly why. The model outsold the last model in its first week by a whopping 10%, production is running smoothly, and the new features are well received by the public. This begs the question: what has gone wrong with the new phone? The answer is something that Apple has never dared to think about a new product: nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong.

“It’s a company-wide catastrophe,” states Apple CEO Tim Cook, looking pale and sweating through his signature navy blue dress shirt. “I’m not sure how we’ll keep the company afloat through the next couple of years and new [iPhone] models.” The grim prediction from the CEO already appears to be coming true, as while sales have skyrocketed over the last week, Apple’s stock price has plummeted 2.3%.

To the average customer, it seems like business as usual for Apple, but for those who look a little more closely, it is clear that something has gone wrong. “It just doesn’t seem right,” says devout Apple consumer Stephen Jobs, who wasted no time in musing at what a coincidence it was that he should have such a similar name to the late Apple founder. “I’ve been looking for a fundamental flaw in the XS-iV; I usually find one but this time I couldn’t find any! The slightly-improved-but-pretty-muchthe-same camera works great, the fingerprint scanner is completely reliable–FINALLY–and the new function where it pours coffee for you with the adjusted amount of caffeine based on a scan of the size of the bags under your eyes gives me the perfect energy boost every morning1. I just don’t see how they’re gonna create a need for people to buy the next model when it comes out–maybe they need more outlandish features–hey that’s a pretty good idea, maybe they should hire me, I definitely have a name that suits the job! Ha ha ha no I’m just kidding, but seriously, I’m not sure what they’re going to do.”

Apple has already ‘leaked’ details of the next model, describing a built-in app that identifies bird sounds, much like Shazam does for songs. Time will tell how well this does to mitigate the damages done by the new iPhone’s devastating flawlessness.

1 Stephen had to pause for a moment here to catch his breath.

4

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. IV

Boss Found Dead In His Office

by Miles Keily-Baxter

Outrage today as officers removed the seven-month-old corpse of John Smyth, Manger of Marlett Pharmaceuticals, from his corner office this morning. The question on everybody’s Twitter timeline: how did it take so long to find out he was dead?

‘Oh, we all knew he was dead’ says one employee at the office who we forgot to ask the name of, ‘we used his body as a prop for the Halloween party.’ Another, who might be called Jeff agreed ‘We all just thought it was a tax thing, you know? We got our paychecks so you don’t ask questions.’ A disturbing look into the lack of loyalty at the modern workplace; this reporter would hope that underpaid and overworked employees would have shown more loyalty to a manager who got the job through a family connection.

We did then speak to his grieving family, John leaves behind a wife and 2 and a half children. The wife was obviously deeply saddened by the news; jumping and cheering in grief and making a mournful vat of jungle juice. She later issued the following statement on Instagram: ‘I’m a rich b********ch now mofos’. One of the children later asked ‘Whe i fat, h mis m ob reci?’ That was of course the half child. We then ran away.

This story is over now but the question is now raised: how many other executives lie dead in their offices? When was the last time I saw my editor?

December 4th, 2018

5

Opinion: If You Don’t Vote For One of My Bad Candidates, You Don’t Get to Complain

by Stav COLUMBUS, OHIO Hello, it’s me, your liberal friend Stav. I haven’t said, let alone done, anything publicly about politics since January 2017, even though a lot of really terrible things have been happening. You know how it is, I’ve been busy. With stuff.

But that’s okay that I haven’t said or done anything this whole time, because I’m here *now* to tell you (yes you) that you better vote! That’s right, not voting in this election is complicity in all the bad things that are happening. I don’t even care who you vote for, I just need to know that you are voting, because that’s the only form of civic participation that really matters! After this election, regardless of outcome, I’ll be sure to let you know that if you don’t vote, you don’t get to complain! This is the most important election to date, so I’m down to guilt trip you over this regardless of who you are. But to be clear, if the Republicans win, it’s your fault and you deserve all the bad shit that happens. Vote, vote, vote, vote, vote!

Okay, fine… I’ll be honest with you. I guess I do …kind of care who you vote for…I was hoping you would vote for all these Democrats who are running! Like, vote for all of them regardless of whether they actually discuss or care about the issues that affect you. If you dare critique any of their lukewarm stances (or their lukewarm/ outright poor performance in office, mind you), or admit that half of them aren’t that much different than Republicans publicly, you’ll be sabotaging their ability to win! So, we don’t have time for your criticisms now. Just like we haven’t had the time the last round of elections, or the elections before that. Shh.

Okay I mean, fine. I guess if you push me, I’ll agree that it kind of sucks that Democrats voted en masse to pass the $696.5 billion defense bill this year in Congress (it’s not like this is a $100 billion increase or anything). And like, it kind of sucks that Democrats like Danny O’ Connor appear to care more to appealing to “moderate” Republicans than they actually care about the needs of working people. Among many other things, like the Democrats’ tendency to sell out on things like reproductive rights, and their overwhelming ties to the corporate class. I guess that’s kind of bad, probably. But like, right now, we’re not going to talk about that. Or voter suppression, or lack of accessibility to voting, or whether voting-based politics should even be considered all that important in comparison to other ways we can participate in politics. Please just vote omg.

If you only like skimmed this, that’s okay because I’ll be calling you and emailing you later today about this to make sure you voted. It may be that I’m doing this because I need to know I have some sort of higher moral standing because I care more about voting than you, but I don’t feel like analyzing that part of my psyche right now. Or ever. Have a good one, and vote for my bad candidates or you’ll be dead to me! Talk to you again about this in 2020, where I’ll tell you to do the same thing after not participating publicly in politics for two years yet again. In short, if you don’t vote for one of my bad candidates, you don’t get to complain.

Love, Stav

6

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. IV

A Cost Evaluation of Common Crimes (USD)

by Miles Keily-Baxter

Cost

Bribe go-away Cost

Legal Fees

PR fees

Littering

100

-

1,000

Parking Violation

1,000

-

100

Speeding

1,000

-

1,000

Drunk and Disorderly

10,000

1,000

10,000

Bribery

-

-

-

Theft

-

10,000

10,000

Small scale fraud

-

20,000

10,000

Grand Theft Auto

-

250,000

50,000

Murder

-

1,000,000

50,000

Large Scale fraud

-

1,000,000

100,000

War Crime

-

10,000,000

-

December 4th, 2018

Kid Who Drank Bitch Cup Not Looking So Hot

by Stav (Note: I have been told it is not a good idea to assume all McGill students know what a “bitch cup” is.

First of all, if you don’t know what a bitch cup is, you are a loser and need to go out there and party. Go out this weekend or something. Text me for a good time and I will make *sure* you have fun/ learn what a bitch cup is first hand. Anyways, the bitch cup is the gross cup full of cheap beer/whatever people want to add to the cup that you have to drink if you end up losing slap cup/boom/some other drinking games.

The general premise here is that you don’t want the bitch cup).

COLUMBUS, OHIO With the completion of the table based- drinking game “boom,” it appears that a local Ohio State Fraternity Party at TKE, Tau Kappa Epsilon, has taken a turn for the worse. Mitchell Dunn, 18, one of TKE’s new recruits, reportedly “isn’t looking so hot” after drinking the bitch cup for the last three rounds of the popular drinking game.

“Yeah, I don’t know, maybe we should check on him over there,” says TKE brother and Ohio State junior, Nick Karras, 20, regarding Dunn. “He said he was totally fine, earlier, so it’s whatever probably. He can crash here on one of the vomit encrusted couches or something if he needs to, we don’t give a shit.

I will say, though, he’s not looking so good. The bitch cups can really get ya, and that kid was just pounding them earlier like there was no tomorrow.”

“Usually Mitchell is quite talkative. It’s kind of annoying, actually,” said fellow TKE brother, Joey, 19. “He never knows when to stop talking. Like, jesus, kid.

This is the bitch cup But yeah, I think the bitch cups have hit this kid’s liver hard, he’s only saying half as many sentences now and he’s repeating stuff a lot. He’s in for quite the doozy, that’s for sure.”

“There’s always at least one freshman who does this shit, I swear to god,” says Ohio State senior and TKE President, Luke Meyers, 22. “Hey, Mitchell, do you want a glass of water or something? A sandwich? Let us know, okay?..Dammit, I was hoping to use tonight to drug.. I meant, uh… I meant hit on all the freshman girls coming to this party.

Not babysit some 18 year old kid.”

At press time, Mitchell could not be reached for significant comment, other than “dude, chill out” and “I’m fine, bro.” Meanwhile, TKE’s party is scheduled to resume drinking games within the next twenty minutes.

7

8

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. IV

Potter’s Weed: The Gucci of Weed

by Kiana Brett

Designer weed? Is it a thing? Yes!!! Read on for our exclusive interview with Sugar Potter, the strong independent woman founder of Potter’s Weed.

INTERVIEWER: So Miss Potter, how did you become so passionate about weed that you decided to start a brand to up its status?

MS. POTTER:Well I’m not really passionate about weed. I’ve never even smoked it in my life. I am passionate about designer goods though!

INTERVIEWER: Oh, ummm... so, well, how did you start your company?

MS. POTTER: Well, it sort of fell into my lap like most things in my life. A few years back my daddy came to visit me in my penthouse apartment--I have the whole floor--and like, I really like plants in solid gold pots. Anyways so there’s a lot of plants at my place and my daddy’s looking around when he says, “Ah, Sugar, why is there, ah, weed in your ah pot?” And I was like “Oh Daddy, don’t be silly. The gardener came yesterday and weeded out all the pots” And then well, then Daddy got really angry. “Don’t ah be smart ah with me young lady!!! You know that I’m ah referring to ah the cannabis growing in ah that pot!!!”

I hadn’t had the faintest clue! Like how would I know what fresh cannabis looks like??? I pleaded innocent but daddy didn’t believe me and he totally disowned me. He discontinued all my credit cards. What was I going to do? Losing the penthouse was not an option.

I had zero skills. I had never worked a day in my life. But then it hit me, I know designer brands--I mean I was literally born wearing Gucci. I would do something designer! I’m not dumb enough to try to break into the designer fashion industry so I decided to take what was handed to me in a pot and launch designer weed.

So I sold all my clothes that I had already worn once-- because they’re basically useless at that point---and used the money to launch my company. It turned out I had A LOT of weed growing in my apartment.

INTERVIEWER: So how did you “designer-ify” weed?

MS. POTTER: Well all my weed is grown in solid gold pots so it’s basically infused with gold and besides that it just comes down to packaging. Loose leaf weed is sold in gold envelopes, and I also sell pre-rolled joints dipped in gold.

INTERVIEWER: Well then there you have it folks! Ms. Potter, do you have any words of wisdom for other young female entrepreneurs?

MS. POTTER: Just remember that anything is possible with money and a good wardrobe and Gucci and life is never as hard as you think it is and-INTERVIEWER: Thank you for your time, Ms. Potter! You can stop talking just about now.

December 4th, 2018

9

YOUR FIRST JOB AFTER GRADUATION

by David “David” Lonstein

Congratulations! You’ve graduated from your undergraduate institution with your fresh new business degree! A well-deserved feeling of accomplishment washes over you. Your family is as proud as could be.

Whenever she’s not drinking white wine, your mom calls one of her “friends” and brags about your academic prowess. Your dad goes to the fridge and offers you a bottled beer. He watches as you pop it open it with your teeth, a skill you learned after attending countless frat parties, and a giant smile spreads across his face. For the first time in your life you see tears form on his face as he says “I’m proud of you, kid”. You resist the temptation to take a hit of your Juul as you enjoy this beautiful feeling.

A few months have passed, and good news! After a lot of late nights filling out job applications, calling in favors, and playing Fortnite with your friends, you have your first day of work tomorrow. It’s a page position at a large investment firm and you’re, understandably, a little bit nervous. Don’t worry though, if you follow these five steps I promise you, you’ll survive the experience!

1. GET A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP

Showing up to work well rested and alert will help in case anything goes wrong!

3. BE RESPECTFUL

2. SHOW UP EARLY

This will not only leave a good impression, it will give you time to scope out all possible emergency exits!

Being polite not only makes you look better, but when people need a sacrifice they’ll remember those small acts 4. NEVER GO TO THE 4TH FLOOR of kindness and choose another poor Listen. This isn’t something you question, it’s something you follow. We victim! don’t know what’s on the fourth floor, and we don’t want to know. All we know is whenever one of you “Pages” or some other poor schmuck goes there, weird things happen. People 5. BRING A SNACK You never know when you’ll need that start disappearing, voices are heard from the walls, creatures from our mid-day boost of energy! nightmares rise out of the ground and eat our paperclips. You think you’ve seen some weird shit? You haven’t seen anything of the sort. Until you see Joe from accounting have his flesh and body slowly turn into post-it notes you know nothing. So, whatever you do, whatever rules you follow, remember this one rule. DON’T GO TO THE 4TH FLOOR.

10

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. IV

“First Things First I’m the Realest-ate agent!” Adopted as New Slogan by Local Firm by Emmett Barrish “We really didn’t know how to communicate with the younger generation in the housing market” says John Hepburn, the organization’s outreach head. “We heard snippets of modern music playing from the radio of our silver SUVs as we were showing prospective buyers”, which gave the company such inspiration. The firm saw the phrase as a way to borrow a recognizable slogan free of any creative royalty payments, saving costs for the agency. They also hope that it will allow them to gentrify in previously untapped neighborhoods. John concurs: “Ever since the prices of beige paint, popcorn ceilings, and hyperbolic listing adjectives have seen a climb in recent years, we’ve been cutting corners wherever we can”. The next item on this agenda is, according to some mummering around the water cooler, taking hacksaws to the actual corners of some model homes.

Survey Finds Everyone at McGill Has a Summer Internship Except You by Meredith Charney A recent survey by McGill Career Planning Services (CaPS) has concluded that you are the only one who does not have an internship lined up for this summer. This finding is presumed to be the result of your poor grades, lack of work experience, and complete inability to dress appropriately for an interview.

Of McGill’s 40,971 students, 40,970 reported having already locked down a summer internship.

Yep, even the first years. And the psych majors. And Doug. So, the next time you find yourself hopelessly scrolling through Indeed, contemplating how you’ve managed to get this far in life with no skills, interests, or knowledge, and wondering if you’re the only one feeling this way, remember: you are.

YOU SUCK

December 4th, 2018

11

A Wolf Interviews at Google

by Daniel Korsunsky BOSS Before we get started, as I’m sure you’re aware, this is a very prestigious job opportunity, so we’re really looking for a trailblazer who really stands out in our applicant pool.

WOLF I appreciate the opportunity, sir, so thank you.

BOSS Great. Why don’t you start off with a little bit about your past work experience?

WOLF Well, I’ve been writing software for firms pretty much right out of college. At my last job, I spearheaded a project developing a program for a biotech company, so I was overseeing the user interface, the algorithms - pretty much the whole lot.

BOSS That’s excellent. It sounds like you had some amount of success there. Why did you decide to leave?

WOLF That’s a great question. I was definitely finding myself limited creatively. Most of our projects were rather dry and didn’t call for much imagination.

BOSS I see. Would you say that creativity is one of your strengths, then?

WOLF Yes, absolutely. A lot of people think computer science is a very dry, technical field, but I don’t see it that way. Innovation calls upon imagination.

BOSS Well said! Unconventionality is what we at Google are all about. On that note, do you have any other hobbies?

WOLF Of course! There’s really nothing compared to the thrill of the chase, hunting down elk in the twilight and devouring it with my buddies.

BOSS Ah ok there it is, there’s the wolf thing.

12

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. IV

Amateur Night!

Dec.4.2018

December 4th, 2018

13

Join Queer Engineer

Queer Engineer is an EUS Club that works towards promoting awareness and providing a safe and welcoming environment for all members of the LGBTQ+ community in engineering.

We organize multiple events throughout the year such as meet and greets, activities and outings, networking events, and study parties. All are welcome to participate, and we greatly encourage anyone who is interested in having a great time to come on by this coming year. It’s a great way to make new friends and learn more about LGBTQ+ culture.

For more info, please check out our Facebook page or email us at

queer.engineer@mcgilleus.ca.

WRITE FOR THE FAUCET!!

PLEASE READ THIS!!!!

We need writers, illustrators, editors, all the help we can get!

You should join us here at The Plumber’s Faucet! It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a humour magazine, and is a great way to get new friends and slip into the McGill comedy world.

We literally consider ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or no. We publish our magazine’s once a month!

For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us: faucet@mcgilleus.ca

14

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. IV

McGill Changes Name to McGill McNuggets1

by Hugo Schutzberg

In a landslide victory, the name McGill McNuggets (and other names) successfully replaced the controversial Redmen. Many other names were on the ballot, such as the McGill Gilligan’s Islanders, The McGill Hygine de Vies, The McGill Redman (The Rapper), and the McGill Red Haired Irish People.

None of these rolled off the tongue quite like McNuggets.

This new change has caused quite a few heads to turn, as samosa sales are no longer, instead chicken nuggets will now be sold $1 for 10 and $2 for 30. Marty the Martlet, (McGill’s former mascot) was quickly defeathered, skinned, breaded, fried and turned into a human sized McNugget.

There are a small population at McGill that prefer BK chicken nuggets over the McNuggets. Wron Macdonnel expressed his anger with the school’s lack of acknowledgement of those that prefer Burger King chicken nugget. As Wron dipped his Burger King chicken nugget into a container of Zesty Buffalo sauce he exclaimed “I wouldn’t be caught dead dipping a McNugget in a container of Spicy Buffalo sauce !”

The verdict of the name is undecided, but very few can dispute: Bu-da-ba-ba-ba, It’s Better.

1

Name credit to José Andrés Guerra

Scary Words

by Miles Keily-Baxter

A new employee has signed all of the contract, apart from clause 13, which they must initialize. That clause scares them. When asked, they could not begin to describe what this clause practically did or meant, but it contained many scary words that they would not bring home to meet Ma and Pa. These were words that, would make your heart quicken if they followed you into a an alleyway late at night. These were words that, if you saw them in a bar, you would turn around and leave as soon as you entered. These were words that, if they were professors, would set you two midterms both of which counted for the final grade. These words were British foreign policy circa 1600-1960. These words were the gurgling a strange tap makes when you turn it. These words were turning up to a Halloween party in costume to discover it is not a Halloween party but a party that is at the end of October. These words were scary. The employee initialises the clause because they have got bills to pay and in this economy you can’t be picky.

December 4th, 2018

5 Ways to Deal With the Fact That Your Industry is Destroying the Earth by Steve Greenwood

15

Do you go into the office every day, painfully aware of the fact that the work you do is directly responsible for killing the planet? Are you worried that the destruction of the Earth and everything on it – including all of your potential offspring – is, to a large degree, because of what you do? Are you tired of continuously being presented with proof that, if you don’t change your corporate practices and policies, everyone is going to literally die?

If these are things that keep you up at night, here are 5 simple tips for relieving your guilt and continuing to live with the fact that you are destroying your own home.

2 Divert the blame!

1 Just pretend global warming doesn’t exist

Find a way to convince yourself that trained scientists and experts are making global warming up just to fuck with you. Let nothing get in the way of your soulless quest for more money and power: just tell yourself that anyone who discovers facts proving that you are harming the world is actually making it up because like, Obama or communism or something.

This tip has worked out surprisingly well for a lot of people. You’d be surprised what you can get away with when you believe that you know more about something than someone who has dedicated their life to studying it.

5

Your corporation isn’t the reason the Earth is dying: it’s actually because Johnny doesn’t turn his tap off while he brushes his teeth! Only true spawn of Satan would keep the tap running while he brushes! If everyone just turned off their taps in between wetting their toothbrushes and washing the toothpaste off of them, the Earth would be saved! Ignore the fact that, when compared to the substantial pollution caused by your industry, the environmental impact of this small-scale individual action is as tiny as a single tear from a dying whale falling from its tear duct out into the open sea. A whale that died, of course, because of you, you fucking asshole. Instead, focus on blaming the consumers for their smallscale, individual contributions! Nothing diverts blame away from you like a good guilt trip.

Actually try to do something

Probably the easiest solution. Realize that our collective survival as humans (and by extension your individual survival as one of these humans) is probably more important than your company’s profits, and that, by sacrificing some of your fiTry to make a non-parnancial gains, you can literally save the world.

Your CEO’s rooftop pool probably isn’t gotisan issue somehow partisan Milk small gestures ing to be very useful when the water Somehow a problem that will impact people boils the flesh off his bones, for all they’re worth equally across the political spectrum, killing evanyway!

Change all of your lightbulbs to eryone on the Left and the Right with equal force, eco-friendly ones and start using recycled is sometimes viewed as a “partisan issue.” While the toilet paper in the bathrooms while you consurvival of the planet is inherently in everyone’s best intinue to engage in large-scale practices that terest regardless of political affiliation, for some reason cause exponentially more destruction than conservative-leaning people have decided that caring any of these small gestures alone can preabout the environment is a Liberal concept. Lean vent. People will care less that your busiinto this idea by emphasizing your commitment ness model systematically involves the to right-winged politics, ignoring the fact that use of environmentally-destructive even the most right-leaning thinkers practices if you have a recywould probably be pretty upset if cling bin in your lobby! everyone died.

4

3

16

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. IV

The Issue With Corporations

by Piers Young In this issue, the Plumber’s Faucet has made a few jokes about corporations and sponsorships, poking fun at an issue facing us.

Make no mistake however, what the Plumber’s Faucet is writing about this month is nothing to laugh about. This is a real issue facing us, as real as the free two day shipping Amazon Prime offers. Corporations have become a disease to our society, rotten to the core. Through slowly buying out politicians, the news, and advertisements, corporations have slowly but surely eroded our daily life, almost as fast as Tide erodes the dirt in our clothing.

While corporations started by occupying smaller markets, they slowly managed to gain more and more, much like the new Whey Rocky Road protein powder slowly allows you to have more and more gains over time. It’s time to face it, corporations and capitalism have taken more advantage of us more than you can take advantage of your insurance by switching to GEICO. Not convinced yet? Well I bet you don’t know that in Canada alone, there have been 711 work related deaths in the past 6 months. Why haven’t you heard of this? It’s simple, corporations have completely bought out news stations, local and national, faster than Walmart is bought out on

Black Friday with its insane deals.

Face it, corporations have cut journalistic integrity in half just as Urban Outfitters has completely cut the clothing market pricing in half.

I know that fully accepting the danger of capitalism can be as hard as comprehending how many movies and TV series a monthly Netflix subscription can buy you. Still, we must remain ever vigilant in our resistance against capitalism. While I know this news can be heavier than a Tesla pickup truck, it’s time to accept the truth. Once we all accept the truth, we’ll be more refreshed than if we had a glass of Nestle Green Tea Lemonade Mix to enjoy the exciting taste of lemonade.

We need to treat our society like we would our own house. Would we let our house become dirty and corrupted? Of course not, we’d take our trusted Dyson vacuum cleaner, and clean until our house was spotless.

Similarly, we must clean out our society of all corruption. It’s time to RYSE up against corporations.

If you’re wondering how you personally can make a difference, it can be as simple as putting down your Budweiser, piling into your Ford Escort with your friends thanks to Ford’s convenient spacing and heading down to your local

government representative to see about implementing change. If you don’t have the time to head down personally worry not. With Verizon as a cellular service provider, making phone calls has never been faster, and you can call any government official or activist group to try and make a positive change instantly.

If you’re hoping to be more proactive and find events you can go to, you also have options.

Not only can you use Facebook to find the closest of SSMU’s fun and diverse events, you can also use Facebook to find events you can protest at for affirmative action, and slowly break down the capitalist world more methodically than TD Bank can break down the best mortgage pricing for you.

Capitalism and corporations are no longer a joke, which is why we need to be able to say enough is enough. Take a stand, protest, do anything to prove you won’t be pushed over by the grotesque society of sponsored content, ads, and corporate greed.