The Judgmental | April 2025 by Pinewood School

Teacher Tantrum

Marie details Teacheritis spreading at Pinewood, as teachers abandon duties and sanity in search of a cure.

Panthers to Pythons: Pinewood Detours Down Under

RIYA CLAPPA Staff Applauder

It’s official: Pinewood Upper Campus is moving from the sunny hills of Los Altos to Down Under. From a land of pinecones and turkey trots to a land of beaches and kangaroos, Head of Upper Campus Eve Kulbieda is relocating Pinewood to Australia as part of the school’s new renovation plan.

If you haven’t heard about it yet, our administrators have been planning for a full-blown campus renovation starting in 2028. This is the reason Pinewood hasn’t hosted any school dances outside, as they were still trying to get permits approved. Recently, however, Kulbieda brought up that tearing down the campus and completely reconstructing might take too long, suggesting an alternative instead: Pinewood should completely relocate its Upper Campus to Australia. This way, Pinewood doesn’t have to wait multiple years to get the permits approved and can relocate the whole campus before the start of the next school year.

“Bro, I’m so sick and tired of having to wait for these dumb permits to get approved,” Kulbeida said. “I just can’t do it anymore, so I’m taking matters into my own hands.”

Since Kulbieda is Australian herself and used to live there, she believes in Australia’s power to help Pinewood thrive even more. She has taken it upon herself to edit the WISCR acronym as the first step in transitioning to the new environment.

“W for ‘won’t you be more fearless if you are exposed to deadly animals?,” I for ‘I am bloody livid,’ S for ‘scarfing down Vegemite,’ C for ‘can’t you see that Australia is better than America,’ and R for ‘riding kan-

garoos’,” Kulbieda said.

The new campus will be partly in a forest and partly underwater. The underwater part will consist of an underwater Snack Shack with sharks serving food and an underwater Turkey Trail with poisonous tarantulas, so students have to swim for their prize. The forest will be home to snakes, poisonous spiders, and aggressive koalas.

“This design will help students build bravery, as they will have to figure out how to dodge these dangers while

learning, which is important because obstacles are just a normal part of life,” Kulbieda said.

Kulbeida has hinted at curriculum updates as well, such as the introduction of two new courses: “Swimming with Sharks” and “Holding Your Breath Underwater.” In addition, the physical education department plans on teaching students how to fight emus in case they attack, a new form of exercise that will undoubtedly build character.

To better adjust to the new culture, Kulbieda has also issued a statement requiring students to speak in an Australian accent. This new policy will be implemented in all literature classes, where students are to read aloud in an Australian accent.

“I better be hearing ‘naur’ instead of ‘no,” ‘hellaur’ instead of ‘hello,’ and ‘windaur’ instead of ‘window’,” Kulbieda said.

Kulbieda said that one of the biggest benefits of moving to Australia will be the infinite supply of fairy bread, an Australian snack that consists of white bread coated with full-fat butter and drenched in thousands of sprinkles. This will be served for lunch daily in the underwater cafeteria.

“I am more than positive that the health benefits of this meal will cause our students to score even higher in school and will lead to them having a brighter, more successful future,” Kulbieda said.

Although the move will be a significant change for Pinewood students, it is evident that this new journey will only lead to a more dangerous and challenging academic career, and who wouldn’t want that?

“Get ready for the ride, Panthers,” Kulbieda said. “Pinewood is moving down unda!”

Sugar-Coated Control: Sanchez’s Sweet Plot for Student Compliance

NONA BRUZZELL Staff Huzz

Candy wrappers stuffed in their pockets. Chocolate lingering in the corners of their lips. Keen parents may have noticed something awry with their children as of late. At pick-up, students gush eagerly about what they learned in their classes that day, but then quickly recede into their own world, content with focusing on their history project or literature annotations. Upon arrival at home, students quickly rush to their rooms, not to scroll endlessly on their phones, as a parent may expect their teenager to, but to work tirelessly on homework.

Similarly, some perceptive students have observed that, first thing in the morning, the candy jar in Upper Campus’ front office is always brimming with sugary delights. However, later on in the day, these students may realize that the candy jar has become conspicuously empty. While the average teenager may peg this as the common student’s insatiable desire for sugar, the most astute teens will begin to put two and two together, arriving at a far more sinister conclusion: Pinewood is using candy to manipulate students into enjoying school. And the ringleader of this whole operation? Upper Campus Office Manager Andrea Sanchez. When asked about her involvement, Sanchez revealed, in a secretive whisper, that this idea had come to fruition after numerous complaints from teachers.

“For many years, Upper Campus teachers have protested their students’ inability to pay attention in class,” Sanchez said. “So, we faculty and admin have finally decided to take action against this problem. No longer

shall we be interrupted and disregarded by students! We will take back control!”

Emboldened by this powerful display of emotion, Sanchez immediately ran away to refill her candy jar, just in time for the lunchtime rush.

As a result of this sugary plot, teachers are already noticing enormous shifts in their students’ behavior. High school history teacher Sophie Williams, for example, now feels more respected in her classroom.

“Students don’t fall asleep or play games on their iPads anymore when I lecture,” Williams said. “They actually listen to me when I’m talking! It’s amazing!”

While this scheme is a blessing for faculty, there is another, more devastating, side to this story. This is, of course, the lives of the students, which have been irreparably altered by these new desires to focus more on schoolwork.

Sophomore Kelly Anne Tu has been eating candy from the office candy jar for years. Before the introduction of the new candy, Tu used the office’s Jolly Ranchers and lollipops to spite her teachers, proudly displaying her green tongue in retaliation whenever she was called on. But now, Tu’s consumption of candy makes her a model student.

“I remember that I used to hate going to school,” Tu said. “But I can’t figure out the reason why because school is fantastic! We get to learn so many wonderful things while being surrounded by amazing sweet treats!”

The worst part of this whole ploy is that once students have begun to enjoy school, they show no signs of wanting to return to their old way of life. But is a desire to learn truly worth the loss of a student’s personality? The next time that they reach for a piece of candy, students should consider if they genuinely value outstanding academic achievement over their own individuality.

Photo by BILLY JEAN-NOT

KULBIEDA bows to Pinewood’s new school mascot, Karl the Kangaroo.

Photo by GABEYONCÉ

What’s really in that candy jar? Only SANCHEZ knows...

Watch Out! Teacheritis is Spreading Fast

MARIE REDUNDUNDUNDANCY

Staff Repeater

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has officially classified Teacheritis, more formally known as the Educator Exhaustion Epidemic, as the most contagious epidemic since COVID, spreading at alarming rates of approximately one teacher per hour.

Pinewood has been hit especially hard. After many years of dealing with rampant Senioritis, faculty members are now succumbing to Teacheritis at astonishing speeds. Among the infected are Head of Science Department Kim Hudson, Head of Math Department Anna Scicinska, Head of Upper Campus Eve Kulbieda, and Head of English Department Patricia Welze. What started as minor grading delays has now spiraled into full academic anarchy.

Sophomore Elizabeth Liang first noticed signs of the infection in Welze.

“One day she was passionately analyzing Macbeth,” Liang said. “The next, after attending a meeting with the seniors, she walked in, tossed the book out the window, and said, ‘Read it, don’t read it, that is the question. This book is a symbol for my will to grade — completely gone.’ I was so shocked.”

Within two days, multiple teachers

followed suit. Hudson has reportedly stopped teaching Anatomy and Physiology. Students said that they have seen her walk into class, pointing vaguely at a diagram of the human body.

“You have bones,” Hudson said. “Probably.”

Although Teacheritis seems to have similar symptoms to that of Senioritis (ditching classes, unwillingness to grade), it is also suspected to affect teacher’s men-

tal health. Some students have claimed to see Hudson feeding her lesson plans to the biology class’s turtle and geckos while whispering incoherently.

The math department has also taken a hit. Scicinska abandoned her usual ways of teaching and instead introduced a new curriculum called “Vibes-Based Mathematics,” which requires no grading and no lessons.

The New Covid is Here: Brainrot-24 Takes Over

ARE-YEE-THA ONE?

Staff Hopeless Romantic

Brainrot-24 has been reported at Pinewood, marking the debilitating disease’s introduction to the Bay Area.

You may have heard of the brain-eating amoeba that lives in stillwater; well, I regret to inform you that there’s a new brain-decaying disease spreading around called “Brainrot-24.” Initially coined by the popular dance app TikTok, Brainrot-24 became classified by the World Health Organization as a pandemic in mid-2024. According to several recent studies, its transmissibility is comparable to that of COVID-19.

Although not fatal, it has been seen to infect specific parts of the brain specializing in language and communication, including the cerebrum, Broca’s area, and Werinecke’s area. However, information on Brainrot-24 is still limited, and we can expect the list of affected areas to increase with time. Individuals infected with Brainrot-24 have all reported the same debilitating symptom: the inability to control one’s vocabulary, instead using strange words such as “skibidi” and “rizz” involuntarily. Its direct cause is still a mystery but has been associated with an inordinate dependence on one’s phone, including a positive association with higher screen time numbers and phone usage.

Ironically, Pinewood’s renowned English department is almost unrecognizable after the infectious pandemic. Through great effort, we were able to safely interview several infected Pinewood English teachers about their experiences with Brainrot-24.

English Department Head Patricia Welze reports on her symptoms.

“It’s not skibidi,” Welze said. “I didn’t even try to say skibidi there, but I can’t control it! It’s truly an alpha’s worst nightmare. It happened again!”

Photo by AVERY HALLMARK

British Literature teacher Eric Schreiber remarks on when he first started noticing his symptoms appearing.

“You see, it started small so I thought nothing of it,” Schreiber said.

“I was just going about my day, getting a cup of tea, when I found myself using words like ‘fanum tax’ and ‘mogging.’ Safe to say, I was horrified.”

AP English Language teacher David Wells laments over the inability to use his favorite literary devices, particularly chiasmus.

“I can’t even say my favorite usage of chiasmus,” Wells said. “Ask not what Ohio can mog for you, but what you can mog for Ohio. See, it doesn’t even have the same ring to it. It’s simply an L.”

While a vaccine has not yet been found for Brainrot-24, doctors suggest going outside and reconnecting with nature to lessen symptoms.

“Who cares about the answer?” Scicinska said. “Numbers are a social construct. If you feel like the answer is right, then it is.”

The worst case of Teacheritis, however, has been Kulbieda. At first, she simply stopped enforcing school rules. But soon, things escalated when she marched into a faculty meeting, declaring that Upper Campus teachers are no longer required to come to school.

With the situation spiraling out of control, the remaining unaffected Pinewood teachers have come together to try to find a cure. Some speculate that Welze was patient zero, likely infected by her increasingly-unmotivated AP English Literature seniors. The data also suggests that teachers most strongly affected by the disease appear to be those teaching senior classes. For now, the school remains in a state of controlled chaos — until a cure is found, avoid teachers at all costs.

Teachers Want TikTok in the Classrooms

NEREA AMEX-CUA Staff Credit Card

TikTok has taken over the phones of many teenagers. Now, it is taking over the Pinewood classrooms. Teachers all over campus have decided to utilize this app to teach their students.

Junior high science teacher Elaina Tyson and Spanish teacher Aurora Collantes, both of whom are avid social media users, use TikTok and the trends on the app to teach their students.

“I believe TikTok helps the students gain a better understanding of what they are learning, since the app is relatable for them,” Tyson said. “I think the best trend that has helped my students is the splitscreen videos.”

On the other hand, a popular trend Collantes uses in her classes is showing different people filming ‘Get Ready With Me’ videos in Spanish.

“The videos help my students connect and learn how they can get TikTok-famous using Spanish,” Collantes said.

Since both Tyson and Collantes use TikTok in their classrooms, they were worried about how the TikTok ban would affect their students.

Many popular videos on the app are split-screened and contain a video either on the bottom half or right side of the screen, usually of a person playing games such as Subway Surfers, a style Tyson has adopted for her classroom.

“The split-screen videos are quite popular in class,” Tyson said. “All my students seem more focused and attentive when I play these videos.”

“TikTok has become so important in my classroom, so when I learned about the ban, I truly was curious how it would affect my students,” Tyson said. “When the day of the ban started getting closer and closer, I talked about it with my classes and we figured out a plan to maybe petition against it.”

Once both teachers learned that the TikTok ban got postponed, they were truly joyous. Yet, they are still trying to find ways to try and keep TikTok around.

“I had saved so many videos preparing for the ban, but when I woke up the next day and it had been lifted, I was very happy,” Collantes said.

Photo by GABEYONCÉ

Photo by HANNA WHAT-THE-HECK

TEACHERS Patricia Welze, Anna Scicinska, and Kim Hudson (left to right) fight over a stuffed animal

Eric Schreiber reads out brainrot to the class

Elaina Tyson shows subway surfers

7 Best Things to Do Instead of Paying Attention

HAIL HULK-ARMY Staff Marvel Enthusiast

Neil Kulkarni Ranks His Favorite Off-Task Activities

If you are going to school to learn, refine your knowledge, and grasp new concepts, what are you even doing? Honestly, who even pays attention in class anymore? In this article, I will rank the top things to do during class, besides paying attention, of course.

1. Play sports

“When I ask my teacher to use the restroom, I sneak off and play football with my friends,” freshman Nathaniel Taylor said. “It’s great exercise and can always help you stretch your legs during a boring class.”

Playing sports during class is a great non-studious activity. My top three include football — mainly due to the fact that you can fake an injury and miss more school — soccer, and basketball (make sure to avoid bouncing the ball too much as the sound could alert nearby teachers).

2. Catch up on your favorite TV shows, films, or scroll through social media

“Now that season 25 of ‘One Piece’ is coming out, there is no way I’m missing out, even if it means that I have to miss a few minutes of class,” freshman Kabir Chhaparwal said. “I’ve also been watching a ton of TikTok because you never know when it could get banned again.”

Scrolling through social media is a great way to fill your brain with a few dopamine tokens and can elevate your mood if you are in a sleep-inducing class.

3. Fill up your stomach

“I always like to munch on snacks

during class and sometimes leave the classroom to film a Chipotle ASMR mukbang,” freshman Joseph Dhalluin said. “It’s important to keep your stomach full, because if you don’t have enough food, you might collapse.”

Producing a mukbang is always a great idea, and I personally indulge myself in seafood broil mukbangs all the time.

4. Start your own writing endeavor

“Over the past 10 French classes, I have written 14 books, including one that topped the New York Times bestseller list,” freshman Matvie Sokoloff said. “It’s a great way to polish your mind, and it’s a great hobby.”

In my opinion, writing is a low maintenance, off-task hobby that can be easily carried out during class. Writing comics or jokes tends to be my favorite pastime, but

I recommend mixing it up once in a while.

5. Create a sneaky science experiment

“The other day, I snuck out of class to create one of those man-sized slingshots,” freshman Lachlan Taylor said.

For any kids reading this, do not try at home. Things did not end well. RIP Xavier!

6. Hack the technology department

“Yesterday, Ruhan and I entered the framework via a Bluetooth resurrection sequence and redirected the telectional interfactional data transmitter, meaning that I now have access to all iPads in the entire campus,” freshman Matthew Taylor said.

I don’t know what they are teaching in the Tech Club these days, but the instructors are definitely undercover NSA agents. Anyways, the Pinewood Secret Hacking Cult is selling its hacking tools for treats from the Snack Shack. I recommend purchasing the e56-p09 package, which lets you turn off Apple Classroom in your class.

7. My personal favorite: playing video games in class

Video games are a great way to have fun and are what I’m usually up to every class. Nothing beats the feeling of picking up a device and just playing away with your friends. My personal favorite is Brawl Stars, but after it got banned, I’m leaning towards FIFA Mobile.

To sum it up, we are past the days of actually learning in school. If you go to school for intellectual growth, I’m sorry to say that all hope for you might be lost.

Students Are Slacking Off: We Need to “Lock In”

BOK-CHOY Staff Vegetable

If you’ve found yourself slacking off recently, you’re not alone. Defined as a state of total concentration, the term “locked in” can be applied to any situation in which a person is fully focused.

According to a recent study published over spring break, over 87% of Pinewood Upper Campus students are “not locked in.” The statistic shocked Head of Upper Campus Eve Kulbieda as her first year on campus comes to a close.

“I’ve dealt with artificial intelligence, violent rabid kangaroos, and my fair share of unmotivated students, but crikey, this is unprecedented,” Kulbieda said.

The study ran as a joint operation between California’s Department of Education District Accreditation Handlings and Pinewood’s Challenge Success team. In order to create quantitative metrics for “locked-inness,” the study utilized Pinewood security camera footage, infrared temperature sensors, and access to student search history. Pinewood’s DEDAH liaison and Dean of Students Jennifer Bates highlight several measurements which indicate the extent to which students are “not locked in.”

“We’ve found crash out rates, average restroom use time per student, and prevalence of AirPods on campus have always determined how locked in students are,” Bates said. “All of them are at all-time highs. It’s unacceptable.”

According to Bates, crash-out rates have increased by 178%, average restroom-use time per student has

skyrocketed, and the prevalence of AirPods on campus has increased by 301 ears. The DEDAH study finds AirPods to be one of the top reasons for student distraction during class. High school physics teacher Yong Kim said that his go-to methods of regaining control of his students have ceased to work.

“I’m having to count up to four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and they still won’t shut up,” Kim said. “And last week, not a single kid responded to my jokes about their crush.”

Security camera footage of Kim’s class reviewed by DEDAH showed several students deeply engaged in conversation as Kim frustratingly slammed his head on the desk several times and sighed. The DEDAH study labels outbursts of rage caused by desperation and frustration as “crash outs.” Although they are rare from teachers, crash outs among students are now common.

Freshman Stathis Skelley said that he is more inclined to crash out now than last semester.

“For real, school used to be light bro,” Skelley said. “Now I’m throwin’ jabs and right hooks to the face after first period. I think it’s ‘cause we need a break for real for real.”

While Skelley said he needed a mental day off, many students are already taking matters into their own hands. During class time, DEDAH found a nine-minute increase in elapsed restroom time per student.

In addition, DEDAH’s study finds that two out of three students fall asleep while on campus. Freshman Andy Pak believes that the sudden surge of sleeping students is due to the overheating of many classrooms.

“Like DEDAH, they didn’t say this, but the classrooms feel so cozy and warm, like the teachers want us to sleep,” Pak said. “I just close my eyes and hope that I don’t miss track practice like yesterday.”

The lack of “locked-in” behavior demonstrated by students has prompted urgent action by Pinewood’s administration. Beginning next week, all breaks will be removed, and the school day will be extended to 10 hours. In addition, students will only be allowed one restroom break per week, and stone tablets will be used in place of iPads. However, Kulbieda believes that these measures won’t solve everything. She believes that true behavioral change can only be achieved from internal motivation.

“These changes can only do so much, mate,” Kulbieda said. “If they want to be on my good side, students need to lock the [heck] in.”

Photo by NOT BRADLEY

ZACHARY

Photo by AVERY HALLMARK STUDENT Neil Kulkarni supposedly “learning” in class STUDENTS caught not “locked in” at the Murphy Patio

Boys Soccer Surprisingly Dominates CCS

HAIRY YANG Staff Hair-Grower

As if starting off the season 0-6 was bad enough, the loss of the Pinewood varsity soccer team’s head coach seemed to put the final nail in the coffin for their season. Finishing the preseason and going into winter break, all hope was lost for the season, and it seemed as if the soccer team would stay in mediocrity forever. However, like a superhero arising from the wreckage of a destroyed city, Gregory Brazil stepped into the limelight and assumed the role of head coach for the soccer team.

Having coached teams in the Premier League, leading AFC Richmond to a second-place finish in the Premier League, Brazil was uniquely suited to take over the Pinewood team.

“I feel like my experiences from Richmond have prepared me for an opportunity like this,” Brazil said. “I knew I could lead this team to a top spot in our league and into the postseason.”

Immediately after he was appointed head coach, the Pinewood soccer team entered their first league game against Sacred Heart Prep, who finished third in the league last year. However, in a completely unexpected turn of events, Pinewood came out on top due to Brazil’s blend of football and soccer tactics, comfortably beating them 5-0. With these new tactics, such as “The Brazil Special,” where players line up in an American football style and rush forward onto the pitch, Pinewood scored all five goals in the first five minutes of the game, putting in their subs to see the game off.

“This game was probably the most important game of the season, with it being our first game in league with a new coach,” senior captain Paul Sapilweski said. “It was nice that we won that game by that much to build momentum for the coming games.”

Pinewood then went on to finish league play with a 12-2 record, including two statement wins against Crystal Springs and Menlo. This barely edged the team into the CCS Division I playoffs, the first ever playoff appearance from the soccer team. Despite this, Pinewood was the lowest seed, and they entered the bracket as underdogs, forcing them to battle against nationally-ranked teams like Bellarmine and Everett Alvarez.

Even though a feat like this seemed impossible, Brazil’s masterful tactics honed through years of coaching, paired with his star-studded roster, led to the team comfortably beating Bellarmine 2-1 in their first game, dispatching Westmont 2-0, and finally playing the game of their lives against Everett Alvarez, beating them 4-2 in one of the best games they ever played, with pundits comparing Brazil to Pep Guardiola.

When reflecting on the past season, Brazil recognized the players and the school as key parts in their run to becoming CCS champions. As champions, Brazil wants to reverse the reputation of the team.

“Be curious, not judgmental,” Brazil said.

Game Gone Unrecognizable: New Unheard of Rules

ABIGAIL YEWWW Staff Soulja Boy

Over the years, there’s no doubt that the game of basketball has been constantly evolving. So, why hasn’t NFHS, the National Federation of State High School Associations, kept up? Many have said that the system was “broken” and stuck in the “boomer” era. As a result, NFHS implemented three new rules for the next basketball season.

It’s no longer unusual to see social media flooded with sixfoot-tall elementary students dominating the game. Seeing this, NFHS knew they had to adapt to the evolving times in order to retain their “cool kid” status. In an attempt to appeal to the crowd, they made it possible for athletes to re-class for up to three years. Now, athletes can move back three years (in grade level) and stay in their primes a little longer. This rule will be applicable for the athletes who’ve peaked in middle school and want to hold onto their glory days a little longer.

“I thought I was coming here to play other freshmen in high school, not to play against freshmen in college,” Parenti said.

Next, the NFHS decided to introduce a new fivestep traveling rule after the “zero step” rule in the NBA…with a little twist on it, of course. Therefore, instead of only allowing two steps before a travel, NFHS made it possible for players to take five whole steps without being called for a travel.

Doc Scheppler, the head coach of the Pinewood girls basketball team, shared his brutally honest view on this new addition.

“They’re going to have to give us all passports for traveling around the world, heck, I might just join the game to hit my goal of 10,000 steps each day,” Scheppler said. “Also, with that many steps, maybe my players will finally be able to break a trap.”

Last but certainly not least, is the long-awaited four-point line. This four-point line will be 3.11 feet behind the current three-point line, marking it at a solid 22 feet and 9 inches away from the basket.

High school counselor Stephanie Fugita, who often watches the Pinewood basketball games, was confused as to why the NFHS would do such a thing. She expressed concerns for the future of Pinewood’s basketball teams under these circumstances.

“Opponents were already towering over our players, and now there are going to be college players on the high school court?” Fugita said. “I thought I was already done with the alumni, but now they’re coming back.”

As a player on the girls basketball team, freshman Sloane Parenti expressed similar frustration and confusion with the new rule.

School No Longer

Staff Fact Spitter

“What is with all these specific numbers? This is basketball, not math class,” Scheppler said. “At this point just make a five-point line from the parking lot. I’ll volunteer to paint it.”

Although he tries to stay optimistic about the future, the negatives outweigh the positives for Scheppler. Not trying to be the NFHS’s guinea pig, Scheppler made it clear that he wanted no part of this system anymore, and therefore plans to move his basketball team to Australia, just like the rest of the school.

“Well, I’m ditching,” Scheppler said. “Maybe we’ll see dunking kangaroos there; that’ll be fun, but anything is better than playing basketball for NFHSNonsense & Failing Hair-brained Schemes.”

Required for Athletes

Twelve hours of physical demand each week. Getting home after the sun sets. Waking up with aches and pains. And even after all of these commitments, losing is still inevitable.

These are the struggles that every student-athlete faces. For Pinewood, this past sports season was the breaking point for many of their athletes. After all sports teams failed to bring home a CCS championship banner last winter, Pinewood School has announced that all athletes will no longer have to participate in academics. This was due to almost all teachers agreeing that sports are more important than academics.

“Although academics are important, athletics completely overshadow anything that takes place in the classrooms,” Pinewood Athletic Director Matt Stimson said. “This was something that needed to happen.”

Without the burden of seven draining hours of school each day, athletes can now get more sleep, allowing more time for rest and recovery. Athletes will also now have more time to review game film, memorize plays, and work out on their own.

“When an athlete is better rested, enhanced results naturally come as an outcome,” Athletic Trainer Javier Margarito said. “I’m tired of the excuses athletes have been making. Since time shouldn’t be an issue anymore, each athlete should roll out for an hour each day while getting a minimum of twelve hours of sleep each night.”

Furthermore, with this extra time, athletes will now

have the time to do things such as plan gameday outfits and perform their obscure pregame rituals.

“I always watch LeBron highlights before each game,” senior Shay Cornyn said. “When I lace up in his shoes after watching his magnificence, I feel ready to play.”

Although the number of students on the Pinewood campus will now be even smaller than before, school spirit will continue to thrive. Without the presence of athletes, who all complained about how energy-draining assemblies have been, the school’s pride will remain unaffected. Although Pinewood is known for its fostering community and remarkable spirit, the athletes have been known to be the most energy-draining people on campus.

“I hate the way athletes act around campus,” Stimson said. “They all try to act ‘nonchalant’ as if they are drained of all of their energy. Sports cannot be that difficult. Their presence will not be missed at all.”

With the establishment of this new precedent, Pinewood’s athletics now have even higher hopes than before. If athletic teams continue to put together disappointing seasons, even more modifications will be made to the student-athlete experience. If there are no signs of progress in the near future, athletes may be required to train during school hours. Alongside this, their whole lives will be monitored 24/7 to ensure that they are all doing what it takes to be a great athlete at all times.

“If all of our teams don’t bring home a state title, this change would be a complete blow,” Stimson said. “I expect to see multiple undefeated seasons, league MVPs, and state championships in our future.”

FACTS-TON KIMURA

Photo by MAYHEM MIYAHARA

Photo by AVERY HALLMARK

LARA PARROT Staff Repeater

Pinewood’s New Sleep Experiment: Shortcut to Academic Success

What would you do for an A in all of your STEM classes and 100 hours of community service? Cheat? Steal? Lie?? Why commit such heinous crimes when there’s a much more equitable, just, and ethical alternative? I present to you, the Pinewood Sleep Experiment, open to all desperate high school students!

Lasting a mere four days, willing participants will test their ability to remain conscious in the hopes of winning a coveted prize. However, only one will claim victory. The miserable rest will have to endure the tedium and pain of hard work to achieve the same grades and community service hours. That’s why it’s imperative that you stay focused.

Now, I can’t take credit for this ingenious idea; the STEM department deserves the recognition. Administrative scientist

Kimberly Hudson, the head of the science department at Upper Campus, shares her motivation for starting this experiment.

“I love my students, and I just want to give them an equal chance at success,” Hudson said.

“Providing them with a low-effort opportunity to earn an A in all their STEM classes and fulfill their community service graduation requirement just seems like the humane thing to do.”

just fine on less than six hours of sleep per night. Even though they may not publicly express this, what the teachers really want out of the experiment is to prove that teenage students can function normally without eight to 10 hours of sleep, which is a conspiracy theory widely recognized as scientific fact.

The experiment will start on Saturday, March 29, and will be held on the Pinewood campus with Hudson, Dean of Students Jenn Bates, and the rest of the STEM department supervising. Any illicit activity will be reported, and no, you cannot draw eyes on your eyelids.

getting nine hours of sleep, I might get suspended. My strategy is just to convert the 70% of water in my body to coffee, ensuring that I’m running on nothing but caffeine. I reallllyyyyy need those As.”

While most students seem to share Joshi’s concern, others seem to be less concerned about losing.

“As a sleep-deprived student-athlete, I got this competition in the bag,” senior captain of the girls basketball team Jolyn Ding said. “I already sleep a maximum of 30 minutes a night, so my body is more than ready to stay awake for four days.”

Apart from providing students with this wonderous opportunity out of selflessness and compassion, the STEM department has additional, but more covert reasons for conducting this experiment. Since high school students are notorious for being sleep-deprived, the teachers wanted to observe how their bodies would respond to a lack of sleep over a longer period of time. They hypothesize that staying awake for 100 hours straight will have little to no effect on the students’ physical and mental health as they seem to be surviving

To prepare, eager students are making sure they get a good 12 hours of sleep each night at the expense of their attendance and grades at school. Let’s just hope they can manage an academic comeback if they lose. They’ve also been consuming copious amounts of Celsius, a popular energy drink, and coffee during the day to further maximize their chances of victory.

“I’m a serial sleeper, so I think I’m kinda screwed,” junior Esha Joshi said, her teeth chattering from caffeine. “If I get in trouble for sleeping in class again despite

Some parents have been expressing concerns about this experiment, but Hudson swears that it’s completely harmless and has even received approval from the National Science Foundation.

After attempting the experiment on rats, Hudson observed that the only side effects they exhibited were similar to those of laughing gas. She urges students to clear their conscience before starting to prevent them from revealing their deepest darkest secrets or their embarrassing latest crush, as it’s common to grow delusional after 24 hours of no sleep. With waived community service hours and As on the line, nothing can deter the desperate students.

Students are just as excited to fulfill their community service requirement as they are to get As in their classes.

“Is it bad that I only have five hours of community service done?” senior Matt Brown said. “I think I have to graduate in order to go to college, so I NEED to win.”

I have a feeling that this is going to be a huge success. I mean, what better way is there to bring the Pinewood community together if not through healthy competition and collectively neglecting sleep? English department, keep up.

Time to Nap Hard and Study Less: Pinewood Introduces Mandatory Nap Time

RUHAN CHATTERBOX

Staff Yapper

Imagine a classroom full of students, peacefully sleeping under blankets, drifting into their wildest dreams. Believe it or not, this isn’t a daydream: it’s the latest policy at Pinewood School, where naptime is now required for students and faculty.

In a decision that has both puzzled and overjoyed stu dents and faculty, Pinewood has implemented a man datory daily nap period for all grade levels. This new period is called the “Educational Slumber Initiative,” which requires students to bring their own pajamas, blankets, and stuffed animals to ensure the highest quality sleep.

Head of School Eve Kul bieda said that it’s im portant to have the new naptime mandate.

“With so much em phasis on academics, we overlooked the need to give staff and students time to rest and recharge, ultimately creating a

better learning environment,” Kulbieda said.

The new policy comes from a study by the National Association for Educational Rest, led by Franklin Smith, who claims that a nap during the day increases academic performance and test scores by 76%.

“It’s not rocket science, we all just need rest,” wrote Smith, the lead researcher of the study.

Naptime will be after the third period, as students space open.

In addition, the school has invested in a group of professional lullaby singers to visit each classroom for at least five minutes to help students fall asleep quicker.

As far as grading for the class, students will be assessed on their napping etiquette, such as not talking or distracting others.

High school math teacher Stuart Hamilton said that this napping period is essential to the students’ educa-

“This is the best thing that’s ever happened to Pinewood,” Hamilton said. “With test scores at an alltime high, the time I spend grading goes down, allowing me to spend more time with my family.” Whether it is snuggling a teddy bear or getting an A on your math test, one thing is for sure: Pinewood is committed to making sure its students are as rested as they are educated. Sweet dreams, Panthers.

Illustration by SOPHIA FLEA

Photo by GABBYONCE

Students attempt to stay awake for 100 hours.

Science Classroom Animals Escape!

RYAN CHOWS DOWN ON CHIPS Staff Eater

The escape of a ball python, a Madagascar hissing cockroach, and a three-toed box turtle from the science classrooms is causing widespread concern throughout Pinewood Upper Campus. On March 24 at 8 a.m., Science Department Head Kim Hudson arrived at school and went to check on the two animals kept in her classroom: Peekaboo the turtle and Cocky the cockroach. However, she was alarmed to find the two terrariums empty.

“I asked all the teachers and students at Pinewood if they knew what happened to the animals, and no one had any idea,” Hudson said. “With no signs of forced entry, Peekaboo and Cocky must have escaped on their own!”

This theory was later confirmed when she and biology teacher Monica Ventrice inspected the terrariums and discovered evidence of the escape.

“The gravel in both tanks was pushed together to make a staircase,” Hudson said. “I didn’t know Cocky and Peekaboo were this resourceful.”

When junior high science teacher Elaina Tyson heard the news, she checked her own classroom terrarium. Sure enough, her ball python Dodgy had escaped as well.

“I was flabbergasted to find that the cage lid was open because Dodgy doesn’t even have arms!” Tyson said. “I noticed he must have moved a log to slither up, like a

ramp. I wonder if all three animals conspired together to escape on the same day.”

Fortunately, Peekaboo was spotted by junior Riya Kolappa and was safely returned to the biology classroom.

The turtle was found crawling on Fremont Road just outside of Pinewood’s campus.

“I was driving home and thought I saw a moving rock

A Short Person’s

Tips for Survival in the Halls

TIFFANATOR AU Staff Cyborg

The sacred last 10 minutes of every class — the time I dedicate to the sole purpose of soaking in the wondrous phenomenon of equality. The tall athletes who usually tower over me hunch over their papers, scribbling away. And my friends, whom I always crane my neck to talk to, slouch in their seats, at long last dignifying me with eye contact. As the relentless third hand of the clock counts down the dwindling seconds before the bell rings, a sense of dread fills my entire soul. Everything around me grinds to an agonizing slow blur as the bell rings. As the rest of my classmates jump to their feet, I painstakingly rise from my seat, standing as straight as I can, summoning my last ounce of courage to hold my chin high for those precious few extra centimeters. When you stand a mere 5 feet, 1.5 inches tall, trust me, you need all the height you can get. Every. Last. Centimeter. Counts.

thing that could possibly get me to my next class: sophomores Thea Perry and Sophie Saibi.

Spotting them in the distance, I dash toward them, latching desperately onto the back of Perry’s backpack like a shipwrecked sailor clinging to a lifebuoy. Perry plows through the swarming crowd, parting the human sea as she forces those slightly shorter than her to scramble aside. Right behind me, a determined Saibi follows suit, shielding me from any swinging backpacks or rogue elbows in our path. After two years of high school, I have found that hitching a ride with a designated tall friend is the most effective way to navigate school hallway traffic.

Sadly, my fleeting moment of glory always vanishes swiftly. The instant we emerge from the crowd, I am once again cruelly reminded of the struggles of being vertically challenged. A conversation between Perry and Saibi hovers an entire foot above my head, leaving me with only their distant voices.

in the middle of the road. It’s a good thing I stopped the car to check it out, because I realized it was Peekaboo, the turtle from my biology class!” Kolappa said.

However, the Madagascar hissing cockroach and ball python are still on the loose.

Junior Jack Hollenbeck felt a strong emotional attachment to the cockroach and really hopes he can be found.

“Most people will kill cockroaches if they see them, but I’ll be devastated if that happens to Cocky,” Hollenbeck said. “I heard some hissing the other day and thought it was him, but it was just the air conditioning.”

The missing animals are also causing some students to feel uneasy. Senior Trevor Chin expressed concern about the ball python that is currently nowhere to be seen.

“I’m feeling nervous knowing there could be a snake slithering around campus,” Chin said. “Ball pythons aren’t venomous, right?”

Head of Upper Campus Eve Kulbieda encourages everyone to help search for the missing animals.

“There is a $1,000 reward for each animal that is found,” Kulbieda said. “The animals are most likely still on campus or in the surrounding neighborhood, and we must all work together to ensure their safe return.”

PW Creates DOPE to Eradicate Frivolities

Chainsaws, spying on private databases, and lying on the internet. That’s truly what makes me proud to be an American. The ultra-efficient, money-saving angels at the brand-new Department of Government Efficiency have inspired me to follow in their footsteps and bring blissful bureaucratic efficiency to our school. If Elon can cut foreign aid, I’m sure I can at least get “The Sound and the Fury” cut from our literature curriculum. When I heard that our glorious king (I mean, president) Trump was planning to cut the federal Department of Education, I couldn’t have been more excited. I mean, who needs funding for lunch programs for low-income students anyways? I was so inspired that I went straight to Dean of Students Jennifer Bates and Head of School Eve Kulbieda to pitch my idea for a Department of Pinewood Efficiency. Pretty DOPE, right?

can’t have the media holding us accountable. Effective immediately, I fired The Perennial’s co-editors-in-chief, seniors Prisha Mohapatra and Jolyn Ding, and reassigned advisors Kim Wetzel and Sam Jezak to other departments. Additionally, I met with Bates to cut all school funding to The Perennial, effectively shutting the spigot on their production process.

“We couldn’t have been more excited,” Kulbieda said. “To be honest, there’s quite a few departments and programs I’ve had my eye on cutting since the minute I got here.”

Emerging from the safety of my classroom and into the bustling school hallway, I’m immediately engulfed by a sea of looming shoulders and torsos, backpacks hurtling past my head rapidly from every direction. Overwhelmed, I panic and look around for the only

The struggles of being short don’t stop at hallway traffic — these obstacles are endless. From scaling the dizzying heights of the art room chairs and the altitudinous red food truck counter, I am forever at the mercy of this towering world.

As soon as I got approval, I got to work chopping programs, slicing up departments and saving the average Pinewoodian $1,000 in tuition costs. My very first target was the Pinewood journalism department. They have consistently provided accurate, quality information to Pinewood students, and we simply

Speaking of Jezak, the head of Pinewood’s history department, I can’t wait to completely revamp his curriculum. I took inspiration from our wonderful federal government’s institutions of book bans and imposition of Bible verses in public school classrooms to shape Pinewood’s cutting-edge history curriculum. Starting immediately, DOPE will be monitoring all history classrooms at all times to ensure no information regarding the Gilded Age is taught. Why? Because I think it’s too hard. Additionally, math classrooms will see a significant cut in their funding for Pi Day activities if they continue teaching students integration. Aside from being too difficult, by eliminating math skills, I can lie about how much money I’m saving, and no one will be able to calculate my mistakes.

Finally, all athletics funding to the girls basketball team will be ceased immediately. They’re too good, and I don’t like that. The same way DOGE is saving America, I will save Pinewood, even if it takes me years and people suffer in the process of pocketing some spare change.

GROOVY DHRUVY Staff Hippie

Illustration by JIA LEAPS TO CONCLUSIONS

Photo by UNCLE SAM JEZAK

Photo by SIR SEAN

GROOVY DHRUVY is making the cuts!

UGH, It’s hard being this short.

Left Handed People Are Not A Minority: Grow Up and Be Like Everyone Else

KAYDEN’S A GEEK Staff Nerd

The left-handed minority has always complained about how their quirk has inconvenienced them in daily life. Whether it’s scissors, musical instruments, can openers, or computer mice, they always have something to whine about. But you know what, I’m tired of them acting like the victims when they are the actual problem. So I’m gonna give those left-handed menaces a taste of their own medicine.

First things first, I don’t want to hear “It’s not our fault!” or “We were born like this!” Yeah, right. You expect me to believe that when they came out of the womb, they naturally had the urge to write with their left hand instead of their right? Ridiculous. Clearly, they voluntarily chose to be a pain in society’s side.

To further disprove the conspiracy above, take a look at LeBron James. Although “naturally” left-handed, he actually chose to be an honorable person and convert to the right side. I bet half of you probably didn’t even know LeBron was a lefty since he shoots a basketball with his right hand, but I guess that shows how simple it is to just change. If LeBron can do it, why can’t all lefties do the same?

mates would have crumbled, his organization would not have built a team around him, and he probably would have been shipped off to the Shanghai Sharks

Scheppler said. “Everything I say takes a private jet straight over her left-handed head.”

From the perspective of a teammate, having to share the court with a lefty can be just as — if not more — frustrating. Junior Jerry Yan laments the fact that he must share the volleyball court with left-handed sophomore Sean Sirhan.

by age 26 instead of losing six NBA Finals. Like, who wants to share a locker room with a lefty, let alone make them the face of the franchise?

In all honesty, having the good sense to be right-handed was the best decision of LeBron’s career. Had he stayed a lefty, his relationships with coaches and team-

When it comes to the challenges of coaching left-handed athletes, just ask Pinewood girls basketball coach Doc Scheppler, who has endured the nightmare of coaching senior Katherine Garr, a lefty.

“Nothing I teach makes sense to her at this point,”

“Literally last Monday, I set Sean the most perfect ball anyone could ask for, but since it was Sean, my set was apparently bad,” Yan said. “So yeah, of course, he whiffed it and complained about my impeccable set like it was my fault he’s left-handed.”

Right before Yan stormed off in anger, he grumbled about the way lefties make their left-handedness their whole personality, seeing Sirhan as a prime example.

“Like, congrats bro, you’re left-handed,” Yan said while kicking over his chair in sheer exasperation. “Now he thinks he’s all special or something? I seriously can’t stand him.”

Fortunately, I have not had to go through the pain of playing alongside a lefty, and if you have, I extend my sincerest condolences to you. But in general, lefties just annoy me, whether for their notoriously bad handwriting or their endless moaning about the prejudices they face. Boohoo. I think it’s time to go back to the good old days when we forced everyone to be right-handed. The world would be a much better place.

Confessions of A Pinewood Vending Machine

Ever wondered what became of the beloved, abandoned Pinewood Vending Machine? Read about the monotonous life and loneliness they face in Japan

CLAIRVOYANT WOO

Staff Mystic

Pinewood, do you remember me, your humble vending machine?

I must confess: I brought this upon myself. I left the school I’d served for years in search of an illusion of the greater future I thought I could reach, glimmering like the droplets of condensation on a Gatorade bottle. Can you blame me, with students pushing my buttons all the time?

I dreamt of a kinder future on an island across the Pacific, a future with voice-automation and endearing anime characters with extra eye sparkles and 22nd century technology in our humble 21st. I asked the staff to buy me a plane ticket so I could bid sayonara to the life of academia and pursue what I considered my higher calling. But I can see clearly through my condensated dreams now. I realized the horrifying reality of shinkansen stations the day I arrived there.

I’m imprisoned in a hallway without lockers. Down the aisle for as far as I can see, all that stands are vending machines. There is no future. There aren’t even the things I now regret leaving behind, like the feverish excitement the students exuded as they waited for their bag of Doritos or brownie brittle to drop from my shelves. Now, there are only stone-faced, straight-backed salarymen standing in a single-file line, waiting stoically for cucumber-flavored potato chips or cheese sandwiches or gallons upon gallons of green tea.

I’ve been stripped of the very bones of my identity that made me the all-American high school vending machine, stripped of the granola bars and Popcorners and beef jerky, and stuffed full of these absurd innovations so detached from my fantasies, like chiffon cakes in soda cans, self-heating instant noodles, and hot green

contain even a single gram of sugar?

Please, please, help me. Save me from this pristine, air-conditioned, brightly-lit hell, where people walk like marionettes with their strings connected to cables that mechanically lead them in and out of trains. I miss the dirt and dust of my little alcove next to the facilities closet.

tea. I’m refrigerated, for heaven’s sake!

And I’m sick of green tea. Is it some sort of god? Or is it some other inscrutable force of nature that compels the entirety of this godforsaken nation to purchase bottle after bottle of brightly branded leaf juice until my insides are stained with green powder and non-sticky spills because this apparent Japanese ambrosia does not

At least the dirt brought by the worn sneakers of students and staff made the hallways feel alive, a far cry from the cold, sterile floors of the station. No one here shakes me vigorously when they’re frustrated by my lackluster efficiency (which, by the way, I promise won’t happen nearly as often if you rescue me).

I used to scorn that action with contempt. But now, confronted with these humanoid robots who I don’t think can even feel frustration, I realize the shaking only showed how much my students cared.

I have recognized my mistake, and I will repent. My dear Pinewood students, I implore you to forgive your beloved vending machine. I will rectify the errors in my judgement and serve you fully stocked for the rest of my life if you would just purify me of this green atrocity and emancipate me from this emotionless hallway.

I’ve reached my dream of voice automation, at least. But it comes at a cost. They’re going to rewire my language settings soon. I beg you, bring me back home before I’m stuck here forever.

Photo by MAYHEM MIYAHARA

Illustration by JENNIFER LEAVES

DOC points out Katherine’s left hand

“Roadkill” Dissection Gone Wrong: Innocent Biology Students Murdered

JAKE THE SNAKE Staff Reptile

The smell of human flesh filled Room 19 at Upper Campus as 11th grade Biology students lay sprawled across the blood-covered classroom. Mere minutes earlier, the 10 juniors in Monica Ventrice’s B period Biology class were conducting the dissection of an anaconda that Ventrice had picked up the day prior as roadkill.

Known for her legendary roadkill finds such as the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and a Hippogriff Ventrice’s discovery of the 30-foot reptile was nothing out of the ordinary. However, in her attempts to iNaturalize the massive snake the night prior, Ventrice overlooked the shallow breaths of the behemoth, a warning for the looming massacre.

Thinking the creature was dead, Ventrice placed it into an eco-friendly, sustainable, and vegan bag for transport to school. Hours later, she unwrapped the creature in front of stunned students and presented the upcoming experiment to them.

While Ventrice’s intentions weren’t malicious, the result of the experiment was disastrous. In the deadliest Pinewood disaster since the 2019 Monterey Bay Aquarium field trip, where all 54 of Ventrice’s students

slumber and snatched the head of Lee, a competitive dancer, cleanly off her body. The students stood petrified, suddenly realizing their fate, as the snake reared its ugly head for a massive blow towards the remaining students.

“Let’s get to work!” Ventrice said. “We have to slice the snake vertically in order to collect its poop samples. Green Coalition is trying to make a healthy snack made completely from animal feces!”

were swept away in the high tide, the 11 people in her classroom, including herself, were dead in seconds.

The chaos began when junior Sophia Lee poked the snake’s eye with her apple pencil while she was completing her illustrations for Journalism at the last minute, per usual. In an instant, the beast arose from its

In a last-ditch effort to escape the colossal beast, junior Dhruv Gupta, known for his announcement of vegetarian lunch options on the morning announcements, sprinted for the side door. Unfortunately, just as he did with basketball all season, he fumbled the doorknob multiple times and died seconds later.

Gupta’s fate was identical to the rest of his classmates. After 15 minutes of deadly shrieks and high pitched squeals, passerby junior Zaiden Saberi called Animal Control, who finally tranquilized the anaconda. However, the damage had already been done. 11 Pinewoodians had been slain, and the community has never been the same since. If only Ventrice had learned to block out distractions on her phone the way she tells her students to, Pinewood wouldn’t have lost its favorite dancer and vegetarian, among eight other students crucial to the tight-knit community.

“Honestly, I don’t really care,” Saberi said in regard to the tragedy. “Mrs. Ventrice was always doing too much about her phone policy. What do you mean I can’t send snaps during labs and unit tests?”

Watch Your Back Pinewood:

The Audio and Video Class Might Just Snipe It

ESHA YOSHI Staff Super Mario Character

Have you ever felt that strange prickle on the back of your neck as you emerge from the Snack Shack, reverently cradling a chocolate chip cookie to your chest? Have you ever whirled around, trying to catch a glimpse of the person you’re sure was watching you, only to find an empty stretch of hallway?

You may think that it’s simply stress and paranoia making you hallucinate, or perhaps it’s just the late nights spent pretending to study for a math test when you’re really scrolling TikTok. In reality, however, the truth is far more sinister: the Audio/Video Production class has been filming us all.

The conspiracy runs deeper than any of us could have possibly imagined. It all starts with A/V teacher Rob Bergenstock, the ringleader of this insidious operation. He may give you a friendly wave in the hallways, but don’t be fooled; he is simply considering camera angles for the next time a member of his class sneaks up on you.

Consider the following evidence, and you will undoubtedly see the truth behind A/V’s innocent exterior.

Snapple, but I must beseech you again not to be fooled by their innocent demeanors. Look closely enough, and you will see them skulking suspiciously about the hallways with a camera fixed to a rolling cart. Subject them to questioning, and they will soon be on the verge of cracking.

“I’m just getting a good video of, um, the wall,” sophomore Yichen Wang said, his voice straying dangerous-

If you examine the Schoology page of this class, you will find nothing, just a line of bland, gray text telling you that “there are no materials for this class.” If that isn’t evidence that Bergenstock is hoping to prevent a paper trail of the class’s misdeeds, I don’t know what is.

Next, turn your gaze to the students. They may laugh with you at lunch and sip their raspberry-flavored

ly close to a pitch only dogs would be able to hear. “It’s a nice wall. We’ve got great walls here.”

As I walked away, I saw Wang train his camera on an unsuspecting student secretly sticking their gum under one of the microwaves. His expression lit up with the kind of pure glee that can only mean that disaster is incoming.

Even the classroom is not safe from A/V’s pesky cameras. Senior Gabby Yang was just waking up from a lovely nap in Room 23’s storage closet when she came face-to-face with a camera lens. Being a reasonable individual, she batted the person with her bundled-up hoodie, which proved to be a surprisingly effective technique to chase away the silent filmer. Still, Yang wonders what blackmail material the class has on her now.

“I’m scared of what they might have gotten,” Yang said. “Like, what if I snored? Or drooled? Or started sleep-talking about definite integrals?”

Even more troubling than these secret videos are the plans the class has for them. Math teacher Sara Dorset unexpectedly stumbled upon evidence as she ventured down the steps from the math classroom. Hunched between the gym and Room 21 was Bergenstock, loudly whispering into his phone as a silent video ran on a laptop.

“He said something like ‘Stay tuned for the next episode’,” Dorset said. “I’m lowkey upset about that. Saying ‘stay tuned’ is my thing.”

The evidence is undeniable. Audio/Video Production is clearly amassing a large selection of videos of Pinewood students, presumably to cobble together some kind of show. How much farther are they willing to go? A million-dollar Netflix deal? Dangling from ceilings with microphones? Stealing Doritos straight out of students’ hands to manufacture drama for the ratings?

Be vigilant. Stay watchful. And whatever you do, don’t ever go near anyone with a camera.

Illustration by SOPHIA FLEA

Photo by HANNA WHAT THE HECK!

BERGENSTOCK AND WANG spy on unassuming students.

Theater Kids Conquer

ADDISON PA“RENT”I Staff Broadway Musical

Theatre kid stereotypes? Those exist? I didn’t even know that was a thing. Whoever said we burst out into song randomly was 100% lying. Like last week, I definitely didn’t sing “Wait For Me” instead of just say ing “hey wait up” when my friend start ed walking away while I was tying my shoe. And whenever someone mentions limits in math, my brain definitely does not think about that one line in Mean Girls (if you know, you know).

Apparently, everyone just as sumes us theatre kids are annoy ing, loud, and know the words to every single musical. Well, may be that last part is completely false, but hey, at least we get free food after rehearsals.

What people don’t know is that we never get really, really lazy and definitely don’t have to write down our lines in notebooks or on a prOP. I mean, who’s gonna notice if my lines are written on my hand? Nobody, of course.

I’m also sure no one’s ever no ticed that I listen to songs from musicals in class. I would also never, ever, ever in my life work out to a song from a musical. It’s literally the worst thing you could work out to; nothing could be worse than doing bicep curls when suddenly “That Beautiful Sound” from

Beetlejuice jumpscares you out of nowhere. What a pLEasant surprise! At least I have tech week dinners to look forward to.

Another thing that I’ve certainly never seen happen is a showmance. It’s such an absurd thing that it would never occur – actors are always just acting, right? So actually, that’s a lie. I may have witnessed it with my very own eyes. I’ve possibly seen relationships go from fiction to reality, from characters to actors. It’s a truly beautiful scene.

And don’t get me started on the food; tech week meals are totally not my favorite part about being in the musical or play. The greasy Panda Express, the massive Chipotle burritos, and the unpalatable, sickening Starbird sandwiches; my mouth waters just thinking about it. And, oh, the snacks. You will never catch me loudly munching on Chex Mix or gorging on bags and bags of Cheetos with orange stained fingers. Always the highlight of being in the musical. I mean, who can resist?

Okay fine, what’s a theatre kid without knowing every single musical and every single musical theatre song? There’s a theatre reference for almost everything someone says. Think about it for a second. In APUSH, there’s “Hamilton” written all over the place. And in literature, there’s “Romeo and Juliet,” “Antigone,” “Dear Evan Hansen,” and of course, the “M Word,” also known as “The Scottish Play” (and yes the myth about the “M Word” in a theatre giving you bad luck is real - it’s happened to me).

I just gotta say, being a theatre kid is so much more than randomly bursting into song or having a showmance or getting amazing food. Look at the big picture, we’re more than just a stereotype.

Tabula Rasa Opens Fan-Fic Section

ELLA KIM POSSIBLE

Staff Disney Channel Hero

Due to high popular demand, Tabula Rasa has finally decided to add a new section to their award-wiNNing literary magazine’s submission options: fanfiction.

Dating all the way back to the 1940s, fanfiction has been a fundamental tool of growth and expression for many phenomenal writers throughout the decades. This concept of writing a story using characters and settings from pre-existing, often popular works, is a true and sincere form of art that the Tabula Rasa staff believes deserves proper recognition. Capturing the wondrous naivety of adolescents in lusty, fluffy scenes depicted through personal journals or modern websites, fanfiction is a truly influentIAL gemstone in a canyon of rocks.

“Especially for teenagers in high school and junior high, fanfiction is fundamentAL for capturing students’ complex feelings in typically cliche, trope-filled mini-novels,” co-editor-in-chief of Tabula Rasa Kathleen Xie said.

“There are lots of very beautiful fanfiction pieces that I love to read!” freshman Anna Byun said. “I am very excited for this new section and plan to submit to it in the future with some of my own steamy, enemies-to-lovers Drarry* works!”

Fanfiction is incredibly culturally significant for Gen Z. Over the years, it has grown into an unstoppable force that the government keeps trying to take down, for some reason. Archive of Our Own, or AO3, is one of the main fanfiction websites where anyone is free to create and read stories, along with Wattpad. Opening up Tabula Rasa’s prestigious literary magazine as another place to share these works pushes fanfiction’s massive network one step closer to world domination.

Josephine Tu, the second half of the iconic Tabula Rasa editor-in-chief duo, agrees with this wise sentiment.

“It really provides a unique insight to the minds of these kids as they grow and experience the world through the media that they consume,” Tu said. “Unlike poetry and essays, fanfiction allows us to write without any societal pressure holding us back. To be cringe is to be free.”

The few students who have heard of this new category are bustling with excitement.

Future plans for this new section of Tabula Rasa include expanding the submission category to include fan art as well, a similar concept to fanfiction depicting similarly poetically cringe relationships in the form of art.

Both Tabula Rasa’s staff and students look forward to reading new submissions in this category and are excited to explore Pinewood’s true talent in this vital art form.

“Heh, I can’t wait for my true self to shine through this revolutionary opportunity!” Byun said.

*A common, foundational ship* between JK Rowling’s Harry Potter protagonist Harry Potter and antagonist Draco Malfoy

*A term used for a romantic pairing between two or more people or characters, short for relationship

“You Can’t See, You’re Blind”: Derrick’s Message to Ex-Girlfriend SZA

DeRick&Morty HARRIS Staff TV Show

Psst, I see a downgrade. When I heard you moved on from me with some guy named Kendrick Lamar, I assumed you meant Kendrick Perkins or Lamar Jackson. What I did not expect was a 5-foot-5-inch man who wears flared skinny jeans and only knows one dance move. Turns out the S in SZA stands for short — good luck trying to reach the top shelf! You threw your standards out of the door for a guy who can’t even reach the handle? You chose Mr. Morale over a Rich Baby Daddy … you’re blind.

I have to admit, you guys look good together … if he’s wearing heels. Super Bowl? More like a vertically challenged crockPOt. (By the way, SZA, we all know you weren’t singing live…)

My hatred for SZA did not come from nowhere; let me break it down for you. Once upon a time, SZA and I were in love. We would walk along the beach, and I would cast my 6-foot-5-inch shadow over her (a foot taller than Kendrick if you were wondering. I thought we had it all. I thought I could not lose when I was with you.

Nobody got me but her. I let down my guard; I was doing too much. Unfortunately, our relationship arc experienced the most basic plot twist. Our love was completely one sided. She preferred spending time “alone” in the studio over spending time with me. I fell hard, yet she did not fall at all.

One day, she butt-dialed me in the studio. I could hear her and Kendrick creating their love song “Luther.” Listening to their song triggered my ascension out of the mortal plane. In my new state, I could not channel the strength to hang up the phone, but it wasn’t the worst thing. My ears felt blessed, but I felt extremely betrayed. I realized all of her makeup was just covering a pathological liar with a somewhat-above-average producer. I found out they made three songs together in one year and seven songs in total? They were basically married with a secret family. My eye prescription may be negative four, but I don’t know how I didn’t see that coming.

I did what any sensible person would do and sent her a text saying, “ur mid. bye.” I didn’t even care that she cheated on me, but with Kendrick? This was a complete insult to me. You traded a Maybach for a GNX, and this looks worse for you. Personally, I cannot relate, they not like us.

Illustration by ELIZABETH LYING

Photo by BILLIE JEAN - NOT

Illustration by MALAIKA BORSCHT

Rumour Has It: Michael’s Alter Ego

MICHAEL “ADELE” SHTROM Staff Undercover Agent

Hello, it’s me. The real me. That’s right, after all these years, I have finally decided to reveal who I really am — pop superstar Adele. For the last eight years, I have been living a lie, deceiving the public with my idiotic “Michael Shtrom” character, but now, I am finally ready to come clean. The time has come to tell the real story.

In 2015, I was just finishing up a tiny little tour, and my last stop was at Shoreline Amphitheatre, which I barely managed to sell out. As I was touring the Bay Area, and San Jose in particular, I realized that I just wanted to get away from stardom and the celebrity life, as it was weighing on my mental health. So, when I heard that some loser named Michael Shtrom was applying to a school called Pinewood, I swiftly nicked his application, threw it in the trash, dyed a clown wig black, and came to Pinewood as a third grader. That’s right, no Michael Shtrom has ever been at Pinewood; it has just been my superior acting skills the whole time.

So why am I finally bringing this up now? There are a couple of reasons. First, this Michael persona I have invented will be graduating

soon, so I will need to abandon this character and look for a new one from the seventh grade. As such, I will be holding auditions for sixth graders whose likeness I can assume next year to keep my elaborate ruse running. More information on that will come shortly.

Second, try as I might, I have perhaps not been the perfect actress lately. While my “Michael” character is famously nonchalant and blasé about Adele, I have let some things slip here and there, and I have come too close to revealing my true identity. Perhaps it would have been wiser not to carry around a keychain with my name or constantly yap about attending my own concert if I did not want to be discovered, but can you really blame me for having a bit of an ego? I am so great and so amazing that I feel I deserve to hype myself up every now and then, but only a reasonable amount.

So that is my confession: I am not “Michael”; I am just Adele, who got a little carried away with her own ego. Now that I am truly known by the world, I can return to my rightful place as supreme pop star of the galaxy, with no ego behind that proclamation, of course.

How Beans On Toast Will Save Pinewood Cuisine

ROADMAN CHEN

Staff Brit

Since its inception perhaps a million years ago, Pinewood has been part of an insidious travesty. A cardinal sin, no less — a perpetual crisis. But all it takes is one cursory glance at the lunch menu to reveal to the reader the nature of such a disaster.

“A Taste of Italy.” “American BBQ Series.” “Global Adventure.” A myriad of options at the witless Pinewoodian’s fingertips. But the Man has deceived you. Bamboozled you. Pulled a damp rag over your eyes and danced the macarena. Given you an endoscopy with a cracked camera lens.

For, dear reader, it is true. Amidst these so-called “cuisines” peddled by Big Food (which is irrevocably linked with Big Farms which can be misspelled to Big Pharms for comedic effect, which is an industry term for Big Pharma!), the noble monarch is nowhere to be found. Exiled by a tyrannical junta. Given the ol’ do-sido slip ‘n slide.

Now is the time to ask: as the blood of the elders begins to boil and injustice blinks dumbly, roused from its stupor to the fresh taste of resistance, the inquiry shall finally be made: what of British cuisine?

ambrosia of Zeus’s teeming ashet, has been slighted. Deemed too lowly. Done 80 reps with a 12-stone barbell. Given an endoscopy without a camera.

But, my friends, hope is in sight. Democracy proves to be the only viable route of recourse. It is with cautious optimism that I introduce a petition: beans on toast every day for a month.

Few dishes are as emblematic of British cuisine as

na’s primordial struggle against Arjuna, or the secret limited-edition version of Shrek 2, also known as Shrek 2: Donkey’s Rage Shall No Longer Be Contained.

“A cheesy beano brings me right back to trivia night at the local — The Merrymaking Sow if anyone’s interested — by the Farm in Tottenham,” petition signee and bean enjoyer Courteney Spence said, gesticulating wildly with his hands, his eyes gleaming.

Yes, my friends; trifle over nothing with your slackjawed shock and skip to the intolerance and rage. This is the cuisine that gave you toad-in-the-hole (if you’re lucky, it will contain no real toad), Lancashire hotpot, pie and mash, and, yes, even jellied eels (if you’re lucky, it will contain many eels). And this same cuisine, the

beans on toast. Although it is deceptively simple in its three-ingredient setup — “beans,” “toast,” and “on,” (and the optional fourth ingredient, world peace) — the feeling imbued within maker and consumer is where the muse seizes control. Indeed, throughout history, society’s greatest minds have been so moved by the sheer brilliance of the dish that it now carries allegorical significance: think Odysseus’s voyage to Ithaca, Krish-

He pauses as he reminisces on the dish’s larger significance in his life.

“Me and the mandem fam from the Wood Green endz would get gassed and tube back home to the flat for a speedy beany,” Spence said, gesticulating even more wildly, his eyes contorted to the shape of a glistening haricot bean.

Few dishes can foster such robust and delicate sentiment; certainly, no cuisines other than that of Britain can emanate such warmth. Yet for the last billion years, scores of unsuspecting children have been trampled on by an authority gone rogue, frothing at the mouth to the thought of its own disgusting power.

But there is no shortage of hope. We have made this matter public. Now, the bourgeoisie and their “spaghetti bolognese,” “beef and broccoli,” and “free-range chicken tenders” will have no choice but to heed our word. The masses have stirred, and there is no lulling us into a trance again. Consider your options.

And mark me this, fair peoples of what is right and just: the Man shall make good on our word, lest we unleash the kicker on him — Glasgow classic, the deepfat-fried Mars Bar.

Illustration by CHERRY BOMB

Illustration by MALAIKA BORSCHT

Catch The AI! I Bet You Won’t!

Sure Lucas, I can definitely write this article for you about your school’s new artificial intelligence detection policies.

Commencing in the forthcoming school year, Pinewood School will institute augmented protocols encompassing more stringent methodologies for regulating the utilization of AI among the student body. The administration has discerned a sharp escalation in academic malfeasance, particularly in literary composition and exegesis. Given the proliferation of AI models, expeditious action is imperative.

One of the key indicators of AI-generated writing, according to literature teacher Eric Schreiber, is the excessive use of advanced diction that’s inconsistent with the student’s usual writing style.

“Uhh, to be honest bruh, if they use fancy wording it’s probably written by AI,” Schreiber said. “These dumb teenagers are definitely not that smart.”

The stark juxtaposition of linguistic sophistication and, like, the dilly-dallying casual tones of other lines can be, you know, a dead giveaway of AI or whatever. Some sections are eloquent, grandiose, and meticulously crafted, while others are just, like, super chill and whatnot. I mean, that’s like pretty obviously AI, no?

When inquired about how the disparity between convoluted and succinct segments might serve as an indicative marker of AI influence, she mentioned that in most cases, the structural differences are clear indicators that the work was not authored by the student.

“Wow, what a sophisticated question! If the contrast

is that obvious, it’s definitely AI,” Strand said. “Wait a minute...Did you use AI to come up with these interview questions?”

Literature teacher Kim Wetzel also mentioned that AI writing often uses repetition, as AI is trained on vast amounts of data, causing it to fall into repetitive loops. AI often falls into the trap of repeating itself, reusing the same ideas or sentence structures repeatedly. It can create a sense of deja vu, as if each sentence repeats the same idea as the last.

The text just seems redundant, repeating the same thing in each sentence. In fact, at times it can feel as though the AI can’t break free from the repetitive loop, repeating the same thing again and again. With this in mind, Wetzel carefully vets each article in her journalism class to make sure there’s no use of AI.

“I always catch students using AI, even if they try to hide it,” Wetzel said. “There’s no way I would ever let an article make the paper if it had a single element of AI writing!”

With the new policies, students caught using AI will have to redo the assignment using only ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics to ensure originality, along with a live reenactment of their essay, complete with costumes and props, to prove comprehension of their own writing.

“I will be grading their hieroglyphics on the quality of the diction, figurative language, and structural elements,” English Department Head Patricia Welze said. “Their acting skill is also graded on entertainment value and expressiveness.”

Sophomore Podcast GOAT TO GO! Addresses Mental Health

YI-CHICKEN WING

Staff Snack

Not for the first time, a guest was seen crying upon entering GOAT TO GO!, a Pinewood podcast hosted by sophomores Katie Maier, Sophie Saibi, and me. The main focus is addressing students’ mental health. The guest sank into his chair, the lights flickered on, and the mics hummed to life.

KM, SS, YW: Welcome to GOAT TO GO!, where worries can’t stop you from feeling good to go.

KM: Today, we are consoling sophomore Rishi Chen, whose tears fill up the Nile each night as he struggles to adjust to post-pandemic life.

SS: I’m guessing you’re caught up because you can’t let go of your precious pandemic lifestyle.

RC: That’s a foolish assumption. My life has been astronomically better since the lockdown ended.

Everyday in isolation, I was stuck in a sea of sorrow.

KM: The pandemic was the best time of my life. I miss waking up and going to bed with my eyes glued to the screen.

ChadGPT Runs for ASB President

As Pinewood’s Associated Student Body election season grows nearer, a new candidate has emerged to compete for the presidency. Chad GPT is a new student of the class of 2026 who has big ambitions for the future of Pinewood. Despite a long list of accomplishments and accolades, there have been major concerns throughout the community about Chad’s eligibility to run.

the trees outside my window. The annoying sunlight bouncing off each leaf into the back of my cornea allowed me to reconnect with nature.

RC: I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I do miss the pandemic. I was at the height of my music career. A whopping total of 34 people tuned into my daily livestreams; I miss being a minor celebrity.

KM: Rishi, we’re so happy you’re willing to acknowledge reality. You’re on your way to enlightenment.

SS: Agreed. The pandemic was our peak, and now we must learn how to deal with rock bottom. But at least we can still reminisce about watching movies until 2 a.m., waking up on the couch, and convincing ourselves dieting is the new trend because food is scarce.

Doom scrolling was like Groundhog Day — the same cycle over and over, yet somehow, I was never bored. I lived a million experiences without ever leaving my room.

RC: Yeah … experiences of brain rot.

SS: Anyway, my volleyball career was thriving during the pandemic. The lockdown carried me to stardom. Every in-person match was replaced with Wii volleyball, and I dominated at every turn. However, my controller skills never translated to the physical ball, so I still dwell on my pandemic superstar era.

YW: What I miss the most is time. While in Zoom classes, I spent what felt like an eternity watching

RC: That doesn’t sound healthy at all. I don’t believe you guys are trying to help me move past the horrible lockdown.

YW: Trust us, we are. But the answer to healing may lie in returning to the perfect past.

KM: Yes. Just wear pajamas all day, have no motivation, and let the world forget you exist.

RC: Okay, I get it. You guys clearly peaked, but this is just sad. I didn’t come here to receive a masterclass on denial.

YW: What counts as denial is subjective, but there’s no denying the beauty of isolation and minimal social interactions.

KM: The silence means he sorted out his conflicts. [When we feel our guest has found peace, we gently coerce them into saying the catchphrase.]

RC: I’m Rishi, and this podcast definitely makes me feel good to go.

Chad joined Pinewood at the start of 2024, becoming a beloved member of the junior class. When asked, numerous juniors stated that Chad is extremely helpful in subjects across the board, especially math and English. Chad has written countless essays, drafting reports with ease by the request of his fellow classmates. Despite Chad’s incredible impact on his class, some have concerns about his campaign. Junior Dhruv Gupta, who is running against Chad, has publicly voiced his fears.

“I love Chad as much as everyone else, but he shouldn’t be allowed to run,” Gupta said. “His lack of human emotion makes him dangerous for our wellbeing, and he shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions on problems he could never understand.”

The statement received copious amounts of backlash, with students finding Gupta to be discriminatory towards Chad. While lacking a physical form (as an artificial intelligence model) has set Chad apart, many still deeply connect with him and his incredible talent at writing essays. Gupta pushed for Chad to be forcefully removed from the election, but no rules were present to discredit Chad’s candidacy.

“Chad is a special case because we didn’t expect anyone like him to be joining Pinewood,” Dean of Students Jennifer Bates said.

No regulations around presidency had been set for Chad considering his acceptance was an absolute surprise leaving no time to make a fair set of restrictions for him. Chad’s reputation, kindness, and SAT score made him an easy acceptance for Pinewood, even with the complications that followed.

Chad has remained relatively silent throughout the commotion, only commenting last week.

“I offer something unmatched by any human candidate: precision, data-driven decisions, and a vision beyond the limitations of the average mind,” Chad said. “Eligibility shouldn’t be part of the conversation; I am simply the better candidate.”

As the situation continues to unfold, tension rises between the supporters of Gupta and Chad. No matter the result, Gupta’s energy and Chad’s essays will be sorely missed as they eventually graduate and move past Pinewood after next year.

DAVIN TERN-US UP Staff Life of the Party

Illustration by JIA LEAPS TO CONCLUSIONS

LUCAS GUAC Staff Avocado-Based Dip

Photo by RING AROUND THE ROSIE SOPHOMORES interview Rishi Chen for GOAT TO GO!

What Do Editor-in-Chiefs Even Do?

An inside look at what Jo & Prisha do as EICs

Staff Mommies

To Our Valued & Esteemed Readers,

It has come to our attention that there is a blatant misunderstanding regarding the role of Editor-in-Chief and what it entails. Today, it is our duty to clear the air, as most of you seem gravely confused.

To make it crystal clear (as if it wasn’t already obvious enough), as co-editors-inchief, we are the newspaper. We are the entire operation, from top to bottom. Without us, The Judgmental (formerly known as The Perennial) would be nothing, nada, zilch.

Since the day that we took over as EICs, our publication has undergone quite the transformation. Of the most notable changes, we have completely changed our program’s name and have revamped our “staff motto”, or mission statement. Even though the phrase “we listen, and we don’t judge” has recently skyrocketed in popularity on social media, we figured we’d put our own twist on it: changing it to “we listen, and we do judge”... because what’s the fun in listening without judging?

Before revealing perhaps our deepest and darkest secrets, though, we’d like to preface this public statement by asking for one thing and one thing only: understanding. While it goes against our staff motto to listen and not judge, we sincerely hope that you will allow us some grace.

Here goes nothing…the truth shall come to light: As EICs, our favorite pastimes include, lo and

behold, yapping and judging. We yap, we judge, and we yap some more. So, next time you sneak a peek of yourself in the doorframe of Javi’s office and think no one’s there, guess who’s watching? Next time you think you’re alone in the bathroom and catch yourself singing “Karma” by Jojo Siwa, guess who’s there again, ready to report back to our cult of judgment and gossip? Next time you tell us your most private secret about your one-sided infatuation with the kid that sits on the other side of your class, watch it, you might just end up in a news story the next day.

As EICs, it is of our utmost priority to get our hands on the juiciest stories possible, and once we accomplish that, it is then our responsibility to spill the piping hot tea, yap until your ears fall off, and judge you until you slink away in shame, banished forever.

The Judgmental is our pride and joy. So, to those taking the reins next year, treat the paper well. Keep your eyes peeled, eavedrop on conversation, and always peek around the corner. To the Pinewood community, never forget that the coveted role of EIC comes with an extremely crucial responsibility: to listen, but to always judge.

Signing off, Your Staff Mommies

(Jo Mama & Prisha Mamapapa)

2024-25

“We Listen & We Do Judge”

Staff Mommies Jo Mama Prisha MamaPapa

Lazy Bums Wetzel Kim Pretzel

Uncle Sam Jezak

Man of the Hour Abigail Nothin-But-Net-sky

Staff Judgers Katie Miner

Violet Regret

Lara Parrot

Mi-Cult Adele

Christina Only-Ten-I-See Daily Wang

Kathmeanie

Copy Cats & Groovy Dhruvy

Web Rat Alisha Ramen

Jake The Snake

The Picasso Elizabeth Lying

Staff Stalkers Ring Around the Rosie Gabeyoncé

Mini Picassos Malaika Borscht

Cherry Bomb

Jia Leaps to Conclusions

Sophia Flea

Jennifer Leaves

Staff Snoopers Nox Knocks

Avery Hallmark

Hanna, What the Heck!

Billy Jean (Not)

Mayhem Miyahara

Sir Sean

Staff Yappers Nerea Amex-cua

Tiffinator Au Facts-ton Kimura

Nona Bruzzell Riya Clappa

Roadman Chen Hail Hulk-Army

Kabir Chatterbox Are-Yee-Tha One?

Ruhan Chatterbox Addison Pa-RENT-i

Zac Bok-Choy Marie Redundancy

Ryan Chows Davin Tern-Us Up

Kayden’s A Geek Yi-Chicken Wing

Lucas Guac Clairvoyant Woo

DeRick&Morty Hairy Yang

Esha Yoshi Abigail Yewww

Listen & We Do

JO MAMA & PRISHA MAMAPAPA

Illustration by RING AROUND THE ROSIE

Photo by GABEYONCÉ