Well, truthfully, I didn't really have one until recently, You see Christoph has these cute little sandwiches he makes that I think are made from some type of grape jelly and every year that he brings them in for everyone I always have a great year! Also, for some reason my iron levels go up too and it's great!
Christoph
Ja, so every year ich have a few traditions. First, everyone knows the pickle in a Christmas tree that is German, well Ich also like to hide a pickle in the basement every year and ich tell no one, so Ich always find it and Ich always win and ich have a good year. Another tradition Ich do is bring in blutwurst sandwiches for everyone.
Do you have some superstitions you follow to ensure a good school year?
Dan
Hahaha, yes, I do actually. Every year Christoph does this weird thing where he hides a pickle. So, every year I take it upon myself to take the pickle he hides and replace it with a condensed collection of Bob's hairballs that I shape into a pickle and paint over. Every year I do this and every year he never says anything about it.
Audri
What others are saying about this award!
“Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency” –Kim Baldus
This man is getting an award. Somehow. The Chancellor’s Award for Excellence in Service. What does that mean? We don’t know, but there will be free food.
Friday, August 23rd at the Touhill Performing Arts Center at 10:30am.
“I award him no points and may God have mercy on his soul.” –Ed Munn Sanchez
When he is called up on stage, you do not need to yell “show us your tits.” However, you certainly can, as it will make things a tiny bit less weird when he does it.
We only have a week until the ceremony, and he says that they haven’t asked him for a new photo. But we suspect his photo in the program will be this one instead:
Honors College Academic Advising: Important Fall 2024 Dates
Advising and registration for Spring 2025 courses:
➢ Monday, September 16 – the spring course schedule is available in MyView.
➢ Wednesday, September 18 –Honors advisors are officially seeing students for pre-registration.
➢ October 14 – October 25 – the Honors College enrolls returning students in their spring schedules, depending on registration dates.
➢ October 28 and after– your Honors advisor will enroll you directly in your spring classes at your advising appointment.
Reassessment dates for dropped fall courses (August 19-December 14):
✓ Through August 25 – 100% returned
✓ August 26-September 16 – 50% returned
✓ September 17 – October 14 – 25% returned
✓ October 15 – end of semester – No reassessment
✓ *For 8-week classes, please see the Student Financial Services calendar here*
Adding and dropping Fall 2024 courses (August 19 – December 14 classes):
❖Sunday, August 25 – last day to enroll without instructor permission; last day to be get off the waitlist and into a course
❖Monday, September 16 – last day to drop a course without instructor permission or receiving a grade
❖Monday, October 14 – last day to drop a course without instructor approval (EX will be assigned). Instructions to request permission are available here.
❖Monday, November 11 – last day to drop a course with instructor approval (EX or EXF will be assigned). Instructions to request permission are available here. All requests for withdrawal after this date must be accompanied by documentation of exigent circumstances, and approval process includes the dean’s office.
*For 8-week classes, please see the Registrar’s office calendar here.*
Tuition bill due dates:
❑August 10 – 25%
❑September 10 – 33%
❑October 10 – 50%
❑November 10 – 100%
*$25 late payments charged after dates; finance charges of 1% applied to balances not paid in full.
*FS24 balance must be below $1000 by your registration date to be enrolled for spring.
Need to meet with your Honors advisor?
Access their calendars directly in MyConnect. Links below!
Jason Vasser-Elong MyConnect. Communication,socialworkandpre-socialwork,andstudioart.Email.
Kate Votaw MyConnect. Psychologyandappliedpsychologyinchildadvocacy(lastnamesJ-Z),anthropology, musicandmusiceducation,andundeclaredmajors(lastnamesN-Z).Email.
Rob Wilson MyConnect. Education(exceptMusicEducation).Email
Reviewing the "Look-Maxing" Trend
Mewing: It's a scam! Mewing is the act of keeping your tongue at the roof of your mouth, and it is somehow supposed to give you a better jawline. Well, here's the thing, you are ALWAYS supposed to be doing that anyways. That is literally the correct resting position for your tongue. So, the only reason people are seeing results is because they are mouth breathers, and they finally started to breath out of their nose. If you want real results for a sharper jawline then get a mouthguard for when you sleep. Bruxism is a real thing and it's when you grind your teeth at night. If you've noticed your face being puffy it might mean your night a mouth guard not to start mewing.
Sleeping on your back:This is probably actually beneficial. Sleeping on your back is supposed to give you a more symmetical face. I believe this because if you sleep on your side your sleep on your side your constantly putting so much pressure on just one side of your face, so it may give it an asymmetric look. However, I could not sleep on my back even if I was offered a million dollars to do it. EVERY SINGLE TIME I sleep on my back instead of my side I have sleep paralysis or one of the worst nightmars of my life. I don't know what it is, but apparently it's common if you sleep on your back. I don't care how asymmetric my face looks I do not want some demon looking over me just so I have a slight better symmetrical face.
Gua Shas: Miracle worker. Gua Sha's aren't a new thing. They've been around for a long time, but they just now became mainstream. People nowadays use Gua Sha's to change the bone structures almost. They think a Gua Sha can change your eye shape or give you a nicer jawline. This is false. A Gua Sha doesn't change your bone structure, but it does reduce inflammation on your face.
Slugging: Soooo disgusting. I hate this. Slugging is supposed to be putting a thick moisturizer all over your face and leaving it on overnight. It is supposed to hydrate your skin better for whatever reason. I tried this one time with that stupid Aquaphor lotion that everyone else uses and I got a swollen face when I woke up. I looked up why this happened and apparently if your tear ducts get even slightly blocked by something like lotion it can cause major swelling in your face. So no, I don't recommend this. Just use a serum or something.
Brain Stew political bumper stickers 2024! Cut and paste! Want an adhesive one? Email umslbrainstew@umsl.edu. $7.50 or all three for $20
“All
The Provincial House Times
August 4, 2024
PROHO DINING CANCELLED!
All south campus food service has been eliminated. “Once the vending machines are empty, they’re empty forever,” says Dean Ed Munn Sanchez. “And I’m buying all of the breath mints tomorrow.”
TonyWOODS HALL – On Friday, Provost Steve Berberich announced that since Education, Honors, and Optometry were moving to North Campus in 2027, the time was right to now eliminate all food service on south campus. “Nursing students don’t eat there anyway,” says Berberich. “They eat in the Seton Lounge and bitch endlessly about all of their teachers, classes, patients, every minor annoyance they’ve ever faced, and so on.”
The announcement was couched in health benefits. “Today’s kids are already fat as shit before they get here. Then after they gain the freshman 15, they can’t even fit in their desks. And we can’t afford to buy new desks, let me tell you. It’s not ‘serious education, serious value’ because we can buy new desks for these tubs of lard,” says Berberich.
While many on campus were upset, the Provost found a, perhaps surprising ally, in the Gender Studies program. “These broads aren’t going to land a husband if they don’t lose some weight” read their press release. “Wait, we have Gender Studies?” remarked one student. Story continued on page 69.
The geese on campus are
The Honors College to unveil new student code of conduct at Orientation on August 16
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” says ChatGPT. “You ain’t stopping’ me, bitches! I write good! Well, B level. Then just talk in every class and boom, there’s your B+.”
PROVINCIAL HOUSE – after nearly three years of work and 14 focus groups, attended by a total of 5 students, the Pierre Laclede Honors College is set to unveil a new student code of conduct at Orientation on August 16.
While the full code is being kept under wraps, anonymous sources provided the Provincial House Times with drafts, emails, and mark ups. “Oh, holy crap,” said one adjunct who participated in multiple sessions, hoping to land a full-time gig, which did not materialize. “I shit you not, the first draft was modeled on the Ten Commandments. It started ‘I am the LORD, your Ed, I kept you out of Fontbonne. Thou shalt have no other Eds before me. Also, don’t submit to Brain Stew.’”
Apparently, each draft got weirder and weirder, at least according to a student whose name is being withheld because the AP does not publicize victims’ names without permission. “The student focus group I attended was awful. I’m a computer science major, and the draft I saw required at least one Bellerive submission every three months. I said that it didn’t seem fair, and Audri called me a ‘’REDACTED monkey who eats his own feces.’”
“There was one good suggestion at the meeting I was at,” remarked another student who wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals. A few of the professors argued that there should be a faculty code of conduct too, including a requirement to respond to emails in 24 or less, to return essays in no more than two weeks, and to know the degree programs you advise for. The other professors started cackling like medieval witches and I left the meeting after this went on for more than 20 minutes.” Story continued on page 420.
Missouri AG Bailey sues UMSL’s Department of Parking and Transportation over “woke” parking policies for Crossover SUVs
JEFFERSON CITY – “I don’t want my kids asking ‘is that an SUV or a sedan?’ I’m not transphobic, but my kids have to come first,” says local mom in a Jeep.
Attorney General Bailey demands that all parking passes coincide with the legal state of the vehicle on its birth certificate. “If your frame is a Sedan, you’re a Sedan. It’s just science. If you want to be an SUV, fine. But you cannot expose young SUVs and Sedans to your ‘alternative lifestyle.’ This grooming ends now,” says Bailey.
Local Crossover SUV rights activist Audri Adams is having none of it. “Just let me park in peace. Do I complain about your naked lady mud flaps? Or your ‘no fat chicks” bumper sticker? Well, okay, yes, I do. But I don’t demand separate parking. I’m not segregating my vehicle. Unless it’s one of those Pro Ho visitor spots by the entrance. Those are freaking sweet.” Story continued on page 666
“Oh, won’t somebody think of the children?!” exclaims Jenny Contard, Wentzville resident and schoolboard member. “There better not be books about these so-called ‘vehicles’ in the library!”
An encrypted poem for those that were born before 2010
Nceto odt nsp
kecxtpg mga pxja
maj fiei hcei pvq vwaq
Key: teeiwmhkysop
Which breed of philosopher are you? Take the Brain Stew quiz to find
Kate Votaw believes thatyou wantto kill yourdad andhavesex withyourmom(right)
Did you score 29 or higher?
Congratulations, you are LUCIEN GRAVES, founder of The Satanic Temple! You agree, more than not, with the Seven Tenets of Satanism.
Good news: you can skip class for the new religious holidays. Just bring your TST membership card to your instructors. Catch any flack? Just make an appointment in the Office of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. They can help with your religious discrimination suit.
February 15 – Lupercalia. Feast of bodily autonomy, sexual liberation, and reproduction.
April 30 – Hexennacht. Feast honoring those who have fallen victim to superstition and pseudoscience, whether by witch hunt, Satanic panic, or other injustices.
Did you score between 11-28, with 5 points for the inviolable bodily autonomy one?
Congratulations (?), you are ROBERT KENNEDY JR., disgrace to the Kennedy name. Yes, we know about Teddy and glug glug, vroom vroom, other kind of glug glug.
Good news: you don’t have to get your pet vaccinated for rabies!
Did you get a different score than what is listed above and are mad because you thought this was real?
Congratulations, you are all of the ancient Greek pedophiles philosophers.
Dear Parents of a Prospective Triton,
Sincerely,
Office of Admissions
Since publication began in 1996, Brain Stew has provided a (mostly) uncensored forum for free thought, creativity, and expression to the student body of the Pierre Laclede Honors College, as well as event advertising for PLHCSA and other student organizations on campus. Brain Stew has been recognized (three times so far!) by the National Collegiate Honors Council as one of the top student newsletters, published by honors colleges and programs, in the country! (This country too, not like Lichtenstein or someplace tiny). BS has also won numerous campus awards from the Office of Student Involvement, including best sustained program and program of the year. What are the editors looking for? EVERYTHING! Any page YOU WRITE is a page that they don’t get yelled at for not filling. More specifically, they would like homemade memes (don’t just steal them!), poems, fiction, editorials, jokes, drawings, cartoons, doodles, recipes, movie reviews, music reviews, editorials, advice, food reviews (especially campus locations), absurdity, seriousness, fart jokes, pictures of you hurting yourself accidentally (but, like, only if you’re okay), and more!
WANT TO LEARN MORE AND EAT PIZZA?!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 23 at 4:00pm in the Legras Classroom of Provincial House
❑ Meet the editors!
❑ Free BS magnets!
❑ All the back issues you can carry!
❑ Q&A
❑ Suggestions for how to be published
❑ THE MOST PIZZA THAT ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN IN THEIR LIFE.
❑ Vegan? Yay! There will be options.
❑ Corpse eater? Boo! But yeah, there will be dead body pizza, of course.
❑ Vegetarian? Only boy animals matter? Be a feminist! Yes, there will be cheese pizza.
❑ Gluten allergy? That is not a real thing, but let us know in advance and we will provide GF pizza too
RSVP
你一直在讀燉腦！
(You have been reading Brain Stew!)
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensorED* free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!
We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!
How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
