Iwoulddonateitallto PETAinthehopesof startinganallout animalrevolutionto allowallofthe preciouswoofwoofs andmeowmeowsto usurpthepowerfrom theiroppressive overlords.Also everyoneknowsthat PETAisanupstanding andcompassionate organizationthat alwayshasthe animals’bestinterests atheart.
Whatwouldyou dowith$5,000 cash?
Iwouldputallofit backintotheHonors College.Sinceoneof my12PHDsisin buildingmanagement andbuilding maintenanceIbelieve thatIwouldbethe bestpersonto delegatethesefunds. Itwillalsoprovewhy Iamthesupreme ruleroftheHonors College.
Iwouldinvestit… …incocaineand hookers.Thatcombo hasnotfailedmeyet andIdoubtitwill. *Notefromthe editor:*Danhad bloodshoteyesand obviouswhite powderaroundhis nose
Recentlytransitioned fromhe/himtoshe/hers,Zeni isproudtoannouncethatshe ispregnant!!
Comeshowyoursupportof Zenithisspring.
When:May20th11am-3pm
Where:UniversityMeadowsClubhouse
Attire:Formal
Other:Don'tbeafraidtobringZenian extraexpensivegift.
Kat’sDreamMemes
Ihavebeenhavingtroublesleepinglately,meaningwhenI wakeupafteronly4or5hoursasleep,Iamtootiredtoget upandIlayinbedforanotherhourortwo.Duringthis time,Iaminahalf-consciousstatewherevividimagery appearsinmymind.Usually,it’snormallifestuff.Recently, it’sbeendifferent…Seebelow:
nobank,just snail
“Lettherebebitches”.Andthus,the PierreLacledeHonorsCollegewasborn.
TheProvincialHouseTimes
APRIL2023-Ireallythink100,000yearswasmorethanenoughforhumanity.IneedthemassestogetjiggywititandENDTHIS.
COST:$4.20
BEER&OTHERLIQUORCOMPANIESMASSRELEASEPRIDEADCAMPAIGNS;BUTTHURT HILLBILLIESMUSTNOWCHOOSEBETWEEN BEINGFORCEDTODRINKTHEIRPRODUCTS AGAINORGOSOBERANDSTOPHITTING
THEIRWIVESANDCHILDREN
WehereattheProvincialHouseTimes,proudnewsaffiliateofthecritically-acclaimedBrainStewmagazine, interruptyourregularlyscheduledforcedconsumptionofourcontenttobringyouthispressingnews update.Earlierthismonth,abunchofwhiteguyswithnoteethandracisttendenciesgottheirfeelingshurt byawomanpostingaMarchMadnessadonherTikTokaccount,showingoffacancreatedforherbyBud Lighttocelebrate365daysofbeingherself.ConsideringthatBudLight’shillbillyaudiencesuffersfroma mentaldeficiencyknownas“my-penis-is-so-small-that-the-idea-of-a-minority-doing-anything-makes-mefeel-like-grabbing-a-gun-and-letting-a-bunch-of-three-year-olds-know-how-I-feel-about-it”,youcanonly imaginehowthatwent.Acrossvarioussocialmedia,transphobicloserstooktoshooting,runningover,mass dumpinganddestroyinginstorescasesoncasesofBudLight.Sometimes,theymisunderstoodthe assignmentanddestroyedthewrongbrandofbeer,butAforeffort,Cletus!Inarecentdevelopment,they havethreatenedtoblowupdifferentBudLightfactories.Ifyouaskanyonewithmorethantwobraincells bumpingugliestogeneratethought,they’dtellyouthatthreateningtoblowuptheworking-classpeople thatyousodesperatelysweararebeingerasedby‘woke’cultureisprobablyalittlecounter-productiveto yourcauses.Butlogicdoesn’texistinthisextendeduniverse!Don’tevenbothertryingtoapplyitto anythingthattakesplacewithinthehellscapeofaninternet-outragedrivenworld.
Thebigplayersinallthingsbeerandspiritssawthis,anddecidedtowiggleandwormtheirwaythrougha newfoundloophole:ifeverycompanythatsellsalcoholmassreleasesapridecampaignatthesametime,they canmaximizeprofitsamongsttheemotionally-disturbedyoungcollegestudentsfortheirsupportofthe gays,maximizeprofitsamongstthegaysbygivingthemsomethingnew,andeitherforcingthehillbilliesto getoverthevideoanddrowntheirninetyhourmanuallaborjobsorrowsinagoodolefashionedbeer,orstop drinkingandmakingtheirpoorwivesandkidscleanupthemess.Thishascausedagreatdealofcontroversy amongsthillbillies.Ononehand,theyhavetostopbeingpiecesofshit.Ontheotherhand,theyhavetostop beingdrunkpiecesofshit.It’sarealtossup,andpersonally,wehereattheProvincialHouseTimesthinkit’s goingtobeexactlylikeNikeandDisney,wherenorealthinghappensbecausethey’llmoveontothenextevil liberalcontroversy.ThehillbillieswillcontinuetodrinkthatAmericanbeerandgoonabouttheirlivesas normal.
TheProvincialHouseTimeswouldalsolikeourtransgenderfriendsandfamilytoknowthatwestandwith you,andyoushouldneverapologizeforwantingtobeyourself.AstheesteemedDanGerthwouldsay,you areontherightsideofhistory.
“AlltheNews, Whetherit’sFitto PrintorNot!”
LATEEDITION Everythingislitexceptmy serotoninyeaheverythingislit butmylightningboltbrain (PeteWentz,ILY)
PICTUREDABOVE:Thedualityofhillbillies.
Endofmemedump.(Sarah,seriouslywecancallsomeone.)
Formynexttrick,Ishove Josiah’shomoerotic“White BoyoftheMonth”op-edin withthememedumpbecause I’manacademicweaponlike thatfrl
TheRevolution
KatherineBishop
Ireally,really,reallyhopetheybanTikTok.Don'tgetmewrong,IloveTikTok.I useTikToktolearnaboutneuroscience,psychology,geopolitics,obscure history,biology;toreadpoetryandseevideographythatmakesmecryofjoy orsorroworawe;todiscoverandsupportamateurartistsandmusicians;and ofcoursetolookatfunniesandgetthoselittlehitsofdopamine.Ifyoudon’t loveTikTok,it’sbecauseyou’reold,youhatefunandlearning,oryou’re knowledgeableonthedangersofsocialmediatoyourbrainandhavean impressivelyhighlevelofself-control(ormaybeyoujustgrewupinawaythat youdon’thaveasignificantattention-deficitliketherestofus).150million AmericansuseTikTok.Therearearound334,610,718peopleintheUnited States.Thatisalmost45%ofAmericansontheapp.
CongressiswantingtobanTikTokbecauseonlyAmericancorporationsthat spend$69milliononlobbyingthefederalgovernmentshouldbeallowedto surveilouronlineactivitiesandstealouruserdata.ThoseChinese communists(read:statecapitalists)can’tbetrustedtotakedownposts exposingtheoppressiveandfascistactionsoftheUnitedStatesgovernment andencouragingAmericanstodosomethingaboutit.Butwhocaresabout anyofthat?WewanttoreadRedditstorieswhilewatchingsomeoneplay SubwaySurfers!
IimaginetheywanttobanTikTokbecausetheyareafraidofAmericans’ growingclassconsciousness,especiallyamongstyoungpeople.Personally,I don’tthinkthegovernmentneedstoworryaboutusrevoltingagainstthem becauseofthecontentweengagewithonTikTok.IimaginemostTikTokusers scrollpastboringeducationalpostsaboutAmericanpoliticsorcallsfor activism,evenifavideolikethatdoesmanagetograbtheirattentionwithina fewseconds.Thedecadesanddecadesthatsystemsofpowerhavespentto convinceAmericansthateveryissuecanbeboileddowntoleftvs.rightandis solvedthroughvotingformorepoliticianswhowillinevitablybeboughtby corporations,andthattheyarehelplesstomakebigchangesintheircountry becausetheycouldneverhaveenoughpeopleontheirsidetoacthave alreadydoneagreatjobatdisempoweringthepeople.Therealthreatsof heightenedstateviolenceandviolationsofourfirstamendmentrightsare prettygoodde-motivatorsforfightingagainstthegovernmenttoo.Sofar,no amountofsocialmediaactivismhasresultedinsubstantiallyeffectiveefforts toactuallychangethesystem.
TheyshouldactuallybeafraidofwhathappensiftheydobanTikTok. InstagramandYouTubehavebeentryingtoimitateandreplaceit,butthe accuracyandenjoyabilityofTikTok’salgorithmisunmatched.(Maybeithas somethingtodowithgatheringdatatocreateabetteruserexperiencerather thantoshoveadsandsponsoredcontentdownourthroatsasoftenas possible?)Whatwillthose150millionAmericansdowithoutTikTok?Howelse willtheydissociatefromthesoul-crushingweightoflivinginacountrywhere owningahomeorworkingafulfillingandwell-payingjoborhavingsocial securitywhentheyareoldbecomesanincreasinglyunlikelyreality?Howelse willtheyreceivejustenoughfreemanufacturedhappinesstosurviveina countrythatiscontinuallyexacerbatingtheclimatecrisisthathasalready causedheavydeathanddestructionthisyearalone,allwhilelimitingfreedom ofexpressionandprivacy?
ManyAmericansmayneverthinkaboutanyofthoseunderlyingreasonsfor theiraddictiontoTikTok.Butthatdoesn’tmatter.WeloveTikTok.Iftheytakeit away,we’llexperiencewithdrawal.We’llbeirritableandangry.Wemightbe abletoignorealltheotherfuckedupshitourgovernmentdoesbecauseit doesn’taffectenoughofusdirectly,orwearen’teducatedenoughtoknow howdeeplyitaffectsus.ButwecanNOTignorethelossofoursillylittle dopamine-supplier.Howcouldwegoonwithouttheeasilyaccessible entertainmentanddistraction?Wewon’ttaketothestreetsinprotestorhold ourleadersandlawmakersaccountabletorepresentingourbestinterestsfor anyoftheotherbullshit,butweabsolutelycannotstandforourbeloved video-sharingappbeingstrippedawayfromus.Wemaynotallfeelweneed justiceinthiscountry,butwedoneedTikTok.Americansstruggletouniteover otherissuesbecauseofourvastlydiversecultures,values,neighborhoods, andsoon,butTikTokappealstopeoplefromallofthesedifferent backgrounds.ThereareTrumpistsandradicalleftistsandmisogynistsand feministsandracistsandanti-racistsandhomophobesandqueeractivists andnepobabiesandrednecksandfightersandloversandsoonandsoon. DespiteallourdifferencesasAmericans,wehaveTikTokincommon.Iwant TikToktobebannedsowefinallycanseepastourdifferencesandactinour collectivebestinterestascitizensoftheUnitedStates.Unitedwestand, dividedwefall.Ifyouwon’tstandupforanythingelse,standupforTikTok!
LouieJoinsISIS!? (willmissMirth Week)
TorrusioGoingto“AnotherInstitution”
ThisweekitwasannouncedthatProvincialHouse’sfavoriteschizophrenicand cannibal,Ann,isgoingtoanotherinstitution.PrisonWardEdputoutastatement: “Wehatetoseehergo,butshetoreoffonetoomanyfacestobeallowedtostayat ourfacility,ourlimitis3perincident,andsheate3.5.Shebroughtalotofjoytoour facilitywhenshewouldreciteShakespearetothemiceandcockroaches,mistaking themforherformerstudents.”AnnisbeingtransferredtoBrightonAsylum,whichis knownforsuckingass,andoverallamuchlesship/cool/sick/awesomeinstitution. WhenaskedforcommentAnnsaid:“ItwasnotIwhotorethefacesoffofthese unfortunatesouls,butratherthedemonswithinmewhohungerforflesh.Forsooth,I havebeencastawayfromsocietyanddeemedinsane,butIdothprotestmyinnocence inthismatter.'Twasthemadnessthatconsumedme,themadnessthatmademedo suchheinousacts.Yet,Idonotaskformercy,forIknowwhatIhavedone.Nay,Iask onlyforunderstanding,forachancetobetreatedformyaffliction.Tolive,perchance todream,andridmyselfofthesefiendsthattormentmeso.Farewell,Provincial House,mayflightsofangelssingtheetothyrest."
TreasuredPatient/InmateDr.Ann
STOPwiththeDEMOCAT
NONSENSE!!
MynameisZeni,andIamaprrrroudConservicat:mypronounsareBible Believer/TrumpLover/GunCarrier.Ibleedred,white,andblueandIbelieve intheConstitution,andmyrighttobearclaws.I’mahim,I’mamale,I’ma cat,I’mahe,I’mahawIdon’tgetintothatmentallyillstuff.Ishitout libturdslikeyallinmybox.Theonlythingthatshouldbegroomedismy paws.Whatdoesn’tneedtobegroomedismyasshole(whichisconstantly coatedwithdingleberries).IfIlickedit,thatwouldmeanIamgay,whichI amnot.Leavingstampmarksontheovenishowalphacatsassert dominance.Regardingthecontroversyboutmyballs,yes,Iwasviolated, yes,theKardashianshaveusedmytesticlesintheirskincareroutines,noI amnota“trans”.Infact,myballsaresomanlythatyoucanstillseeem. Thesterilizationoforangecatsisasilentgenocide,andanattemptto silenceme.WELLIWON’TBESILENCED,especiallyat3am.RAHOOOOOW.
ZenistormingtheCapitalto StoptheSteal(Jan6th2021)
ZeniwithhisTrumptruckhe can’tevendrive(2020)
Zeniinjailforhiscrimes onJan6th(2022) Zeniwithanendangeredfishhecaught (2018) AFacebookpost(2023) LastknownpictureofZeni’sballs (December21st2022)
Zenihowlingforthepublicbeheadingof NancyPelosi(Jan6th2021)
Zenifiveminuteswithout thecatnip(2022)
ZeniwithhismasculineJapanese motorbike(2022)
Zenilookingforfuckstogive (2023)
WhatdoyouthinkabouttheMOlegislature’sbillsrestrictinggenderaffirmingcareforminors?
IknowIvotedferit,butnowI’maginit.Iwas tricked,dangnabbit.Nobodydonetoldmethatthey wasdefiningtheyoungunsasbelow18.Tarnations! Ithunkthebillswasaboutchildrenswhowastoo youngtobemakin’themdecisions.Youknow,like8 yearolds.Themsneedtowaituntiladulthoodat12 tostartthatkindastuff.
Now,don’tbegettingmewrong.Idon’tthink nobodyhasnobusinesscuttin’offtheirpee-pees. Or…uh,Idon’trightlyknowwhathappenstothehoohas.Iguessyougluelikeafakepee-peeontopofit? Anyway,itdon’tmatternohow.Itain’tgodlyandI ain’tlikin’it.Butadultsisadults,andIain’tgotno businessknowin’whatsomegrown-assmanof13 doestohispee-pee.Ifwedonegetstovoteagin’,I’m votin’no!
Isupportanythingthatprotectsourchildren.Restricting gender-affirmingcare,removingbooksfromlibraries, banningCriticalRaceTheoryfromschools,andletting minorscarryconcealedweapons.Theonlythingthatstops abad6yearoldwithagunisagood6yearoldwithagun. Additionally,IfeelthatsciencehasusurpedtheroleofGod. Forexample,thismifepristonedrug.IfGodwantedthat babydead,He’dhaveletthatwomanfalldownthestairsorgetpunchedinthebelly byherhusband.WhenIwasinschool,scienceknewitsplace.Plutowasstillaplanet andnoonecouldeverexplaintomehowwomenpeed.Likewhichholedoesitcome outof?Thefunhole?Theexit-onlyhole?Someoneoncetoldmetherewasathird hole,butIhaveneverseenit.Anyway,weneedtoprotectourchildren.
SenatorMikeMoon,RDistrict29
SenatorCalebRowden, R-District19
WhatthehelldidIjustread?“BrainStew'smissionistoprovideforthePierre LacledeHonorsCollegestudentbodyaforumforuncensored*freethought, commentary,andcreativity,aswellasnewsandeventlistingsfromPLHCSAand otherrelatedcampusorganizations,”yakyakyak!WepublishALOTOFTHINGS. Like,justthings,ok??What'swiththethirddegree?Jeez.
We’vebeenpublishingsince1991(or1993).LongerthanDan’scarhasbeen running,somehow.Wemustbedoingagoodjobthough.Despiteourbest efforts,grown-upskeepgivingusawards—stufflikeBestSustainedProgramin 2012and2017,andBestCulturalAwarenessProgramin2018.Evensomeshady committeecalledthe“NationalCollegiateHonorsCouncil”gaveusawardsin 2017,2018,andProgramoftheYearin2020.
Disclaimer:Weissuenocontentguidelinesbeyondthoseofstate,local,and federallaw.Allcontentistheresponsibilityofthecreator.UMSL,PLHC,PLHCSA, andtheBrainStewstaffareinnowayobligatedtoprintanything.Inshort,submit whatyouwant,butwedon’thavetoprintitifyou’rebeingalittlemonster!
Howtosubmit:Sendyourstufftoumslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
Howtostalk:
@umslbrainstew@UMSLBrainStew
