Brain Stew, 2022-23, Issue 14

The Provincial House Times

The Geese are Back. Students be Safe.

The geese at the University of Missouri-St. Louis have taken their terror tactics to a whole new level. In addition to their poop-based warfare, they have now taken Nick Jonas captive.

According to eyewitnesses, Jonas was on campus for an interview for understew when he was ambushed by a group of aggressive geese. The birds reportedly cornered him and forced him into a nearby bush, where he has been held hostage ever since.

"We've been trying to negotiate with the geese, but they are stubborn and refuse to let Nick go," said the interviewer of understew. "They keep demanding more bread crumbs and a statue in their honor on campus."

The situation has attracted national attention, with fans and media outlets alike calling for the immediate release of the pop star. However, the geese seem to be enjoying their newfound power and are showing no signs of backing down.

"We've always known that humans are no match for us geese," boasted one of the ringleaders. "Now that we have Nick Jonas in our grasp, we are unstoppable."

UMSL officials are currently in talks with animal control and the National Guard to come up with a plan to rescue Jonas from the geese's clutches. In the meantime, students are being warned to stay away from the geese at all costs, lest they suffer a similar fate as the former Disney star.

Move over avengers! The senior citizens of the RWC are coming in. Recently the seniors citizens have been more active in attending the

Waterboard yoga class. While this is great news for the RWC, some think otherwise. Now the elderly are helping students cross the street. Students are now being forced to listen to the long winded story, help fetch items scattered around, and play cards out of fear.

UMSL RWC Waterboarding Yoga

Rating Nature Documentary's on Disney +

Welcome to Earth: 7.5/10

This is a document series featuring Will Smith. Its pretty entertaining, but obviously scripted, kinda like a really cheesy action movie. I like a lot of the things he does in these episodes like going in a deep-water expedition, going into a volcano with someone blind, and rafting across an unmarked river. However, I don't like some of these part, because he kinda makes his reactions very artificial.

Secrets of the Whales: 7.75/10

This is a very basic documentary series. It has each episode dedicated to a different type of whale. It brings up interesting facts and doesn't overly talkative narrator. It doesn't have anything special in the show. It's just as plain basic as you can get.

Meet the Chimps: 10/10

Absolutely the best documentary you'll every watch. This takes place in a chimpanzee sanctuary in Louisiana. There are multiple groups within this sanctuary depending on their personality. You get to know each and every chimpanzee's personality in just 12 episodes. It's an amazing show. It's basically like watching an unscripted soap opera with all the drama that takes place. So, if you like documentaries then this is definitely a show for you.

Zootopia: 2/10

No this is not a documentary, but I just don't like this movie. Yeah, I know it does have a good message, but I honestly just think it was weird. So, no.

Untitled Goose Poem

Geese, with their devious ways and piercing honk, Often make, poor college students freeze in fear and take stock, Of the way they behave and the things they do, Geese, it seems, can be great assholes too.

With sleek feathers and beaks held high, They flock and shit as if they own the sky, Woe betide any who dare to come near, For they will attack, with malice clear.

Their wings spread wide, they hiss and squawk, At anyone on campus who tries to take a walk, Around their pond, it’s their territory, For in their eyes, it's their story.

From unsuspecting visitors, who had no clue, Those geese could be such assholes too.

And yet, despite their vicious ways, There's something about them that still amazes, In their own unique…ish way, They add character to every day.

Their honks may obliterate our human ears, And cause fellow commuters great fear, For they know they are strong and bold, And to defend their turf, they'll bring in that heat ….or cold.

For they are creatures of the wild, Living free, like somebody’s bad ass child.

Soooo Original

Unoriginal ideas

They’ve been thought of before Just like numbers

One

Two Three

Four

Counting in a line, every idea in my head

Typing every word Words that have already been said

String them together and soon everyone will say Wow I’m an artist!

Wow I’m so unique! How on earth did I ever think?!

All I know is that I’m having a bit of fun Now take these words and just shove them up your bum.

Wait, was that an original idea? No, probably not. But if you wanted to shove these words up your bum, then you’re a THOT.

-A poem or whatever by Rae Cohen

What do you think about the MO legislature having bills up for debate that would ban diversity statements in hiring and ban the state from doing business with companies that support DEI policies?

Well, after the 2019 faculty survey that complained about a lack of diversity and the 2022 faculty survey that showed our URM faculty members searching for new jobs outside the university at a higher rate than their white counterparts, not to mention the 2015 and 2021 student protests, I think that

Uh, I mean that we value the uniqueness of every individual and strive to ensure each person’s success. Contributions from individuals with diverse backgrounds, experiences and perspectives promote intellectual pluralism and enable us to achieve the excellence that we seek in learning, research and engagement. This commitment makes our university a better place to work, learn and innovate.

Sodexo is proud of the work we’ve done to date in diversity management and fostering an equitable and inclusive corporate culture, but there is still more work to do. Ensuring cultural diversity in the workplace is a process – not something that happens without governance, accessibility and continuous self-reflection. Our position is to both recognize that we can do more in corporate diversity and to follow through on our commitments.

For example, our commitment to diversity, equity and inclusion (DE&I) is supported by our nine Employee Business Resource Groups (EBRGs), which foster cultural diversity and provide networking opportunities. Each EBRG aligns with one of our five global priorities: 1. Culture and Origins, 2. Gender, 3. Disabilities, 4. Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity. 5. Generations. https://us.sodexo.com/corporateresponsibility/diversity-equity-andinclusion.html

MUN CHOI VS SODEXO

Introducing Pierre Laclede Honors College

Underwear! On sale now at Nieman Marcus, Sak’s, Nordstrorm, Bergdorf Goodman, Barneys, Bloomingdale’s, the PLHC main office, and the trunk of Dan’s 1999 Saturn!

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! THE BESTSELLING NANCY BRA IS FINALLY BACK IN STOCK!

Pierre Laclede definitely understands why this is his best seller! Pre-orders alone had it out of stock for over two years. But our supply chain problems are over! Put your boobies into the only cups endorsed by Nancy Gleason! Works as a “bro” too, for the man with ample he-jugs.

What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored* free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, just things, ok?? What's with the third degree? Jeez.

We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!

How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu

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