Thereisabsolutelynoneedtostress.Nothingyoudoisimportant.
Youareinsignificantinthegrandvastnessofthe universe.Youhavenopowerorcontroltochangeyour circumstances.Toseekmeaningintheeternalchaos, theunrelentingforcethatdoesnotrecognizeyoursilly mortalconstructsoflogicorreason,isfutile.
Feelingscared,sad,angry,hopeless,oranyoftheotherexperiencesin themyriadofemotion,canneverchangethefundamentalnatureof reality.
Well,IthinkI'dliketocelebrate withmyarmyofoinkoinksand moomoos...Unfortunately, cornedmoomoosandcabbageis astaplemealforSt.Patty'sDay celebrations.Thismakesmevery sadasIneverwantanyofmy moomoostofeelthreatenedfor aholiday.
SothenhowdoIfeelabout Thanksgiving?OH!Don'teven getmestarted!
*interviewcutshortdueto profusesobbing
IthinkI'dliketotakeoneof thosesendin,reallyREALLY sketchyDNAteststoseeifI amIrishbeforeIanswerthis question!Iknowthe companiesactivelysellyour geneticinformationandit'sa totalbreachofyourpersonal andfamilialsafetyand security,butIguessIwould feelmorecomfortablewith thatthanansweringthis questionpoliticallyincorrect!
Seheichaus,alswürdeichdenSt. Patrick'sDayfeiern?Ichbinkeinirischer Dummkopf!
Haveyouorafamilymemberrecently beeninjuredbyanaccidentaloverdose ofFiberOnebrownies?Youmaybe entitledtocompensation.
Intheyear2023partieshavea68.99% chanceofmixingtheirweedbrownies andFiberonebrownies.Thishascaused severefartingwithinthepopulation. Manyscientistbelievethismaybethe number2causeforglobalwarming withinthenext10years.(thenumber onestillbeingmennotknowinghowto wipeafterash*t)
Tolearnmore,goto:
www.helpicantstopfartingandmyboyfriendbrokeupwithmebecause ofit.com/fiberone
Orcall:18006459009
Followthesesimplesteps:
1.Gorgeyourselfoncookies(fatass)
2.Fallpreytobody-shaminglosers
3.Gofullbulimicfor5months
4.ListenexclusivelytoLanaDelRey
5.Eatastrictdietoffreshlyslainreindeer
•Elveshavemoreproteinpercalorie, buttheyarehardertocatch
6.Crunchthosecandycanes(get8pack)
•Watchout,nowMrs.Clauseandthe hohohosonlywantyourjinglebells!
7.Upyouralphaattractiongamewitha freshshaveandgingerbread-scented cologne
8.Shit.Youjustgotsexybutnowit’sthe 24th.Thechildrencall.
9.Repeat
ZeniisofficiallyturningoneMarch20th.That meansthateveryoneMUSTcelebrate!Zeniishas accomplishedsomanythingsintheyearhehas beenalive!Hereareafewofthem!
Zeni'sfirstsurgery:Zeni finallygothisballs removed!
Zeni'sfirst facetime call:Zeni facetimed hiscousin Nacho
Zeni'sfirst spotlight moment:Zeni wasthepetof theweekin January!(his namewas spelledwrong though)
Zeni'sfirsttimethroughthe tinytunnelthingonhis tree:Thisisactuallyhis secondtimeinthispicture butstillanaccomplishment forhim.
ProHoCommonRoom:Afteryourdab penrunsoutofwaxandyou’reforced toparticipateinaclassdiscussion nothingismorerewardingthanmelting ontoa“vintage”couchinthiscozynook. Seatedbetweentheever-freezingmain doorandanovercompensatingheating unit,youtoocanexperience menopausesymptomsatwill.
Features:
-Tabletoolowforyourquads
-Forbiddencabinets
-Disappointingwetbar
MSCCafeteria:Getdowntobusiness withtheextensivespacethiscommunal diningareaoffers!Sitaloneatatable meantforeightpeopleandmarkyour territorywithpersonalbelongings.The bestpart?Studentsaretoosocially awkwardtoaskyoutostop.Private propertyreignssupremeinthisclassic UMSLhotspot!
Features:
-Absolutelycrackedramen
-“GenderNeutral”bathroomsaquick jogaway
-SuspiciouslyhiddenSubway
Yourapartment:Experiencemodern livinginthevibrantcityofSt.Louis. TheLEDlightsstucktothewallssay “You’renotgettingthatdepositback”. Whocareswherethatblanketcame from?Itservesitspurpose-keeping youwarm.Nowsettleinandwrite angryessaysabouttheowningclass whileyourlandlordshutsofftheheat.
Features:
-Familyheirloomsidetable
-Bookshelfwithnoticeablyfew books
-Roommatefunk
Paidforby mywishto spreadmy own personal agenda amongthe studentbody
U.S.whenIranwantstobenationalist andstopsharingtheiroilwithBritain— Imeanwhencommunism
U.S.whenthecouptheystartedinIran leadstoananti-WesternIslamic theocracythatstripsawayallwomen’s rights
U.S.whenGuatemalatookalittlebit oftheirownlandbackfromUnited FruitCompanyandsupportstheir indigenouspeople(whencommunism?)
U.S.whenthecouptheystarted createsafascistmilitaryregimethat slaughterstensofthousandsof Guatemalanpeople
U.S.whenChilehasademocratically electedpresidentsupportedbythe workingclassandtheydon’tletU.S. taketheircopperanymorea.k.a. whencommunism(actually,thistime)
U.S.whenthecouptheystarted turnedChileintoamilitant dictatorshipthatkilledandtortured thousandsofpeople
U.S.whenCubarevoltsandoverthrows themilitarydictator(whowasbackedby theU.S.)andhasaleaderlovedby workers,peasants,andstudents—when communism!
U.S.whentheyengageineconomic warfare,psychologicaloperationsto turnpeopleagainsttheirgovernment, sabotageciviliantargets,andcommit genocideagainstCuba.
U.S.whenanycountrystarts supportingitselfanditspeople, insteadofsupportingU.S.imperialism andprofits—sorry,Imean,when communism
U.S.whentheyconvinceeveryone thatcommunismisbad,butthey actuallyjustmeanit’sbadthatthey can’texploitothercountriesanymore
U.S.whentheysaythatChinaisbad becausethey’recommunist,antidemocracy,stealingjobs,etc.etc. becausetheirprideishurt
U.S.whentheycontinuetohave strongeconomicandpoliticaltieswith Chinabecausetheyarebeatingthe U.S.attheirowncapitalist
Definitely.Iwasstupidfor thinkingthisshitcouldbe solvedpeacefully.Imean,a hungerstrike?WhatwasI thinking!NowIplanon “eating”therichasthekids say.I’mcomingforJeffBezos first.He’dbetterwatchhis6.
OnbehalfofthenationofChina anditspeoplewebelievethatgood relationsandeffective communicationarethekeyto resolvingallfutureconflicts.Good relationsbuiltontrustand friendshipareabletostandthetest oftimewithnationsstandingside bysideandwitharmsinterlocked. Solidcommunicationwillallow minorconflictstoberesoled withoutbloodshedorviolence.The nationofChinahasexistedfor 3,500yearsandwillcontinueto existwithitsalliesandclose friends,wehavetakenthisyearto tryandgrownewrelationshipswith othercountries.Wehopethatall otherconflictscanbesolvedina peacefulmanner.
F-22gobrrrrr…
WhatthehelldidIjustread?“BrainStew'smissionistoprovideforthePierre LacledeHonorsCollegestudentbodyaforumforuncensored*freethought, commentary,andcreativity,aswellasnewsandeventlistingsfromPLHCSAand otherrelatedcampusorganizations,”yakyakyak!WepublishALOTOFTHINGS. Like,thingsthatmakeEdregretevertakingajobattheHonorsCollege!
We’vebeenpublishingsince1991(or1993).LongerthanDan’scarhasbeen running,somehow.Wemustbedoingagoodjobthough.Despiteourbest efforts,grown-upskeepgivingusawards—stufflikeBestSustainedProgramin 2012and2017,andBestCulturalAwarenessProgramin2018.Evensomeshady committeecalledthe“NationalCollegiateHonorsCouncil”gaveusawardsin 2017,2018,andProgramoftheYearin2020.
Disclaimer:Weissuenocontentguidelinesbeyondthoseofstate,local,and federallaw.Allcontentistheresponsibilityofthecreator.UMSL,PLHC,PLHCSA, andtheBrainStewstaffareinnowayobligatedtoprintanything.Inshort,submit whatyouwant,butwedon’thavetoprintitifyou’rebeingalittlemonster!
Howtosubmit:Sendyourstufftoumslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
Howtostalk:
(YouhavebeenreadingBrainStew!)