Brain Stew, 2022-23, Issue 12 (2.0)

Emperor Baldus

Pluto is right where it should be. The stars shall align and the sun shall shine. Once the rays of our home star collide with the sweet, sweet metal of the St. Louis Arch, forming a perfect 69 degree angle at exactly 16:00 hours, the stage will be set and we shall rise again. The Pierre Laclede Honors College will be mine. Thus, the power of Illinois shall rise again!

So, Pluto. That’s messed up, huh?

The Homeless Man at the I-55 South exit by my house that people will clog up the intersection to give their change to, causing people to miss the light as he laughs at their misfortune in the face of his own

I remember where I was the exact moment that Pluto waws ousted from the elitist society of the Solar System. Size doesn’t matter, goddammit! He is a planet! Who cares if he’s smaller? Pluto was unfairly treated by federalist monkeys who think they know better than us working class! Typical NASA jackoffs.

Random Man Who Lives on Dan’s Couch in the Basement

I don’t know, man. Are we cancelling cartoon dogs now? I think Pluto was more of a dawg than a dog, don’t you think? He bent over backwards (or tailwards?) to help Mickey get those Mystery Mousekatools. Now Goofy, on the other hand, was worse than Hitler. He was definitely f*cking Minnie on the side. What a douche.

Are you a woman in your late 40s who is just so bored of yelling at the same people in the grocery store? Well come on down to the UMSL recreation center! You can exercise uncomfortably in jeans and an old shirt while glaring at the young girls wearing those skimpy biker shorts that show too much of their butts and their short shirts that show their belly button. How dare they wear that whore outfit in front of your husband! Here at UMSL rec, you can stroll on down to the pool and yell at the lifeguards about their music choice and blame them for too many people being in the pool. Don’t have a reservation? That’s ok! Just demand to steal one! The workers don’t know the question you’re asking? To hell they go! They need to dedicate their life to your wants and needs. Go ahead and make that building manager’s life a living hell by asking for five pickleball nets for you and your friends! You deserve to have beef with a college student and hate that college students are there at a college rec on a college campus. How dare they! They’re probably out getting drunk anyways like the delinquents they are.

The following jokes are brought to you by the students of Honors 2020: Comedy Writing. Yes, that’s right. You could have gotten course credit for listening to Dan talk about how big Milton Berle’s penis reportedly was.

Dear BrainSteweditors,

Now, I love that the magazine is run by majority non-men. Total feminist over here. In fact, I’m all for the concept of having a publication wherein students and faculty of this fine liberal establishment can express themselves. Here’s the thing, though- I am not in favor of this magazine constantly bullying and harassing me to the point where I can’t even hold classes, and I’m not going to stand for it any longer!

On that, so far you’ve called me a lizard-person, “ProHo Pedo”, King Charles (another pedo joke), King of the Bougies, old and stupid (not true, I just can’t use Canvas), said that R. Kelly is my favorite musician (only half-true, my actualfavorite musician is Ike Turner- look him up! He did great things), wrote a joke where I took my morphine on a Valentine’s date, and so many other insolent comments.

I haven’t read BrainStewin a year (until I starting compulsively checking to make sure you weren’t being mean to me), and I don’t care about humor written by the students whose essays I am forced to consume without clawing my eyes out. What I docare about, though, is having the respect of my students, especially when they’re young, impressionable, and veryreceptive to my prerogative!

Why doesn’t anyone make fun of Christoph or Ann? There hasn’t been a single joke made about Jason, yet. Kate’s husband gets made fun of more than Kate does, and Kim just gets called Emperor Baldus. I mean, come on. The worst joke made about Dan this year is that he f*cks animals! AND HE MADE THE JOKE!

Now, you got away with the aforementioned jokes. What you aren’t going to get away with is the fact that you said my wife pegs me! WHO TOLD YOU? You emasculated, embarrassed, and slandered me to get a reaction. Congratulations, you got it! You also have deprived those bright eyed first year students of quality time with me valuable instruction time because I, a grown man, cannot take a joke one bit.

You’ll rue the day, BrainStew . Best,

An Anonymous UMSL Professor & Resident Crybaby

Dear Anonymous UMSL Professor,

We’ve heard about your issue with our publication, and that you have an inkling of “exactly who is behind” the jokes being made about you.

Before we move forward, we need a favor. BrainStewneeds a declaration of free rent, since that’s where we live in your head, apparently. Tax breaks and all, you know. But moving on…

We can be adults on this editorial staff and be the first to admit that sometimes, jokes are taken too far. In fact, your biggest complaint that had a class of yours thinking the piece we wrote was real (which by the way, we are not liable for the idiocy of freshmen thinking that satire is real, it is their fault for being actually brain dead), we actually reflected on the matter, and decided to implement some standards for jokes of that nature. Since, there has been content that we have not released, since we thought that it might be too offensive or raunchy, and we did not want to risk another disruption to the classroom environment.

Now that we have discussed and acknowledged that, we can now move to a more pressing matter. To put it plainly, stop being a baby. You’re allowed to not like our content. And unfortunately for us, you can irritate the editors with complaints. Neither of those things are the problem we have. The issue is the accusatory nature of the baseless statements you are making against a member of the team of editors regarding the source of the jokes being made about you.

The editor you believe to be at fault has not made a single piece of content that has involved you since you complained. That was months ago. Most of the content at your expense now comes from outside submissions, with occasional submissions from other current editors. In addition to that, none of the jokes made leave any seeds of identifiable information about the creator unless they put their name on it.

Half the time, we don’t even know who made what, because this magazine sees a broad span of materials.

With all this being said, if you have legitimate grievances to air with the team or the editor you so desperately believe is behind this, you know where to find them. You always have the choice to be a grown up and try to come to an understanding.

If you don’t like that, well, you can always just shut up and die mad about it. Best,

International Relations: America Reloaded

Did you really have to shoot that down? It was just a balloon. You really need to check your temper sometimes.

Overreacting? You really want to go with that now. Are you serious? Why don't you ask him what he thinks.

It was just 8 boats. We just sank 8 boats in 1941, and then you dropped the sun on us… …TWICE.

I told you, dont touch my shit, ever. That includes my airspace.

Rating Sitcoms

Friends: It's a classic sitcom. It paved the way for many more sit coms to come, like How I Met your Mother. It also showed that it was okay to not have your life figured out in your early twenties. The only downfall is that the humor got old after a while, but it was still entertaining to watch. 9/10

Seinfeld: I have never watched the show, ever. I have also never met anyone who has, so I cannot believe that it was that good. This is bias, but 3/10

Modern Family: I actually think this show is pretty funny. I usually only watch it at someone a family friends' house so I haven't really watched watch it, but I think it's decent. 8/10

How I Met your Mother: Literal copy of Friends. I think this show is slightly more cringey. However, I also think it has more funny parts than friends.

9/10

The Golden Girls: This show was my mom's favorite. This show also was decently funny, but it did make me think that if your over 40 then you were super old. I like this show mainly because it reminds me of my mom.

8/10

DO UMSL STUDENTS HAVE SCHOOL SPIRIT?

Of course not. Let's be honest, UMSL is always the back up college. No one willingly advertises that they attend this glorified daycare for academic rejects.

Louie VS Dan Gerth

I think UMSL has great school spirit! I distinctly remember seeing a person at the homecoming chili feed-–if that doesn’t scream school pride, I don’t know what does. Plus, look at PLHC’s triton community challenge. The honor students participate in school events, not because they’re forced, but because they truly care.

The Provincial House Times

UMSL HIT WITH 32nd DEMOLITION OF THE YEAR Tony

“Unlivable.” That’s how UMSL ended, not with a bang, but with a “ deemed unlivable.”

Students were amused, at first, when they learned their danky, little Mansion apartments were deemed unlivable. They joked how metal it was that they were living in squalor.

Then, when the inspectors went to Pro Ho for lunch, everything changed. Roaches in the kitchen, flooding in the basement, squatters in the attic… a full investigation of UMSL campus was ordered immediately.

The entirety of south campus was vigorously inspected and no buildings passed. North campus fared slightly better, keeping the Anheiser Busch building intact, proving once again, STL cares about beer more than anything in the world. The REC and MSC also survived the inspections, though the Nosh remains under strict surveillance since the unveiling of the Pro Ho laxative incident.

There is much to be determined about the fate of UMSL campus. Some students say, “It’d be better to just nuke the whole school,” as “North county kinda sucks anyway.” Others are apathetic of the cause completely. As one student taking online courses put it, “Wait, UMSL has a campus?” It seems there is little public support in rebuilding UMSL campus.

The geese on campus are

UPDATE: PRO HO LAXATIVE DEBACLE TAKES A TURN

Two weeks after the discovery of a laxative cartel stationed out of provincial housing on UMSL south campus, answers to the seemingly senseless food spiking scandal are revealed.

After the media storm of last week, students were outraged at the police for the lack of answers. “I just don’t get it,” one student cried, “Why would they want this for out plumbing? I need answers.”

Many other students on campus echoed the sentiment, “Every meal, right after eating, I would have to rush up to my room. All the missed connections, all the beautiful girls I could have walked home. But no. I had to run back to my dorm to shit for 18 minutes. I want to know why I had to go through this? I have spent $27 this month on baby wipes alone!”

After 12 long days of silence, one of the beloved Pro Ho chefs speaks out, “I don’t know man. Times are tuff. When the lax man knocks, you answer.”

Before more questions could be asked, Dean Munn ushered all the journalists out of Pro Ho and locked the doors, stating the mold was unfit for visitors.

Katherine Bishop

Songs to Help You Survive This Capitalist Hellscape

Do you ever feel like you’re living in a dystopia? Are you tired of living in a country that’s built on stolen land and genocide, that flourished from enslaving and abusing black people, that expanded through underpaying and mistreating immigrants, and has committed dozens of other atrocities I don’t have time to list? Are you sick of living in a nation that continues to gain power and money through exploiting and trampling over its people all while uplifting the corporations who treat us as machines/numbers/means to an end and are destroying our planet? Then these songs are for you!

Sixteen Tons (1955)– Tennessee Ernie Ford

This song was written by Merle Travis in the 1940s about a coal miner. He spends all day breaking his back working. His reward? More debt and less life to live. Not even death will free him from his shackles the company owns his very soul. He seems to believe the classist stereotype assigned to him: a poor man is stupid yet he is strong. “Fighting and trouble” are his middle name, which could be seen as a strength of his, but at the same time it can be seen as a tragic testament to the trauma of being told you’re worthless excepting the physical labor you can perform to line someone else’s pockets. Regardless, he is a fighter and he is strong.

Gotta Get Up (1971)– Harry Nilsson

The rhythm and instrumentation of this song flawlessly captures the never-ending cycle of waking up and having to work, work, work, all while reminiscing on the brief time in your life of freedom and fun that was cut short. The moment you finally have a moment to relax and have fun, you have to leave so you can get up and work again the next day. The song feels cheerful and upbeat, but there is an uncomfortable urgency woven in. When I have no motivation to get up and get to work, I listen to this song. On the worst days, it makes me cry and laugh hysterically at the soul-crushing experience of living in a society that values productivity over my wellbeing, yet still invigorates me just enough to get up and get out.

You’re Dead (1966)– Norma Tanega

This one is for all my artists out there, and I’d argue we are all artists but many of us had our creativity bullied out of us at a very young age. “You’re dead and out of this world” – this world is not for you and it is out to kill your spirit. You can’t make art, you express yourself, you can’t take the time to rest and enjoy nature, you can’t show emotion. You have to plan everything in advance, you have to hurry, you have to work, you have to compromise. Ignore those who are suffering, lose your compassion, lose your hope, and give up on your dreams. This song is an ironic protest where the artist makes it clear she knows this world doesn’t support anything she is doing, but she will keep singing anyways.

Underground (1983)– Tom Waits

Tom Waits unique sound is the perfect vehicle for the stories his songs tell about the urban underclass. The grit in his voice and the offbeat, industrial instrumentation reflects the experiences of the working class. If you’ve seen the 2005 animated actionadventure film Robots, AKA baby’s first anti-capitalist messaging, you’ve heard this before. (Don’t try to tell me it’s pro-capitalist because it perpetuates the myth of capitalist saviors. That take was not nearly as relevant as calling out the injustice and cruelty of capitalism, and I’m sure that the rich-man-everyone-idolizes-saving-the-day ending was required for it to be released by the Hollywood elite. They can’t have a movie promoting a revolution against them.)

The Trapper and the Furrier (2016)– Regina Spektor

Regina Spektor creates a haunting tale of the soul-crushing paradox of capitalism: “Those who don’t have lose, those who got get given more, more, more. ” The trapper and the furrier walk through “paradise” where their victims are alone and defenseless and they can be exploited freely. The owner and manager walk through their own paradise, where they are kings and the workers that built their kingdoms have no rights or benefits. The paradise of the lawyer and the pharmacist has sick and dying people begging for help, spending their money on drugs that will never truly heal or cure their endless suffering. In the capitalist world we live in, “the good are damned and the wicked forgiven.”

Like People, Like Plastic (2015)– AWOLNATION

I have no way to confirm that the songwriter meant for it to be interpreted, but I connect this song to how I often feel in this society. Feeling like I’m alone in protesting the system, but on the flip side, if it’s just me, there’s no way for government loopholes or corporate influence corrupting the revolution the same way they corrupt everything else. The line “I stand alone beside you, I’ve never been so alone in my life” makes me think of the intense isolation we experience despite being surrounded by other people. The title suggests that us people are like plastic, just a product to use and discard. The singer tells us to “dance in the madness,” to have as much fun as we can in this chaotic mess. “Burn the bloody house down!” the house being the capitalist system.

Piggy (2022)– Skunk Anansie

This is the perfect song to express your disillusionment with the system and the fuckers in power through bitter and unbridled rage! All the fun capitalism words are sung: pride, greed, gentrification, empire, dynasty. Just trust your big daddy government, He will give you security, all you have to do is give up your privacy, lose your empathy, and become complacent to the massive human rights violations necessary for Him to stay in power! Hmm I wonder what the pig imagery could possibly be alluding to?

YOU HAVE BEEN READING BRAIN STEW!

What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!

We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards — stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!

How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu

How to stalk: