Supreme Court upholds use of affirmative action in federal crime enforcement and prison sentencing
WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. Supreme Court surprised no one today, despite their gutting of affirmative action in college admissions two years ago, by upholding the use of affirmative action in crime enforcement and prison sentencing in a 6-3 decision, once again along ideological lines. The case, the ACLU and SPLC v. U.S. Department of Justice, pitted the American Civil Liberties Union and Southern Poverty Law Center against the DOJ, with the plaintiffs arguing that police giving racial preferences to African Americans in arrests, attorneys general giving the same racial preferences in prosecutions, and judges and juries again providing those same racial preferences in verdicts and sentencing is an unconstitutional use of race as an admissions factor into the U.S. court and prison systems.
Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote: “Many police, prosecutors, judges, and juries have long...concluded, correctly, that the touchstone of an individual's identity is not guilt or innocence, but the color of their skin. Our constitutional history not only tolerates that choice but celebrates it.”
In a concurring opinion, Clarence Thomas stated that today’s decision “sees the Department of Justice policies for what they are: ruddered, race based preferences…policies totally aligned with race based preferences, such as the 3/5 rule, in our Constitution. Also, don’t call me a ‘race traitor.’ That’s some uppity shit, right there.”
When questioned by reporters about what sorts of steps African Americans should take in order to be successful now that they are twice as likely to be in jail as college, Thomas quickly shot back, “Sugar Daddy. JK. Your kids would have to get accepted into the private school for Sugar Daddy to pay the tuition! But who doesn’t enjoy a nice yacht ride now and then?”
A surprisingly brief dissenting opinion, written by Sonya Sotomayor, simply said “WTF?”
Supreme court adds paper invitations to list of things gay people can’t have for weddings in decision yesterday
Washington D.C. – The list of wedding stuff that LGBTQIA people can’t have for their weddings, unless they make it themselves, now includes engraved paper invitations. Previous cases have resulted in a list that already includes cakes, websites, cumber bunds, and most musicians.
“Stop bitching. They can still have pie at their pagan ceremonies and flutes. Hair pie at the lesbian weddings and skin flutes at the gay weddings! Hahahahaha! I’m hilarious,” said Samuel Alito.
Above, center: Clarenceand Ginny laughing at Sam’s joke
From left: Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barret participate in their weekly Birth of a Nation LARPING group.
5
A COMPREHENSIVE REVIEW OF MY PARENT'S CATS
By Carli Knopf
**DISCLAIMER: For the part 10 years, my mom has consistently been negating claims of her slow descent into crazy cat lady territory. However, the evidence speaks for itself. Did I gain a cat/pet allergy due to my mother's antics, OR, have I always had these allergies and have simply grown accustomed to them and lived my entire life in allergenic hell? We may never know the truth.**
Big Gray: Introducing Big Gray in his natural habitat of dirt, dirt, and more dirt. You may think he is a THICC boy, but nothing. You would be correct. He takes care of the rodent problem on our property and even brings halfeaten animal carcasses and guts to my mother. She absolutely loves him! Don't tell my dad, but I think his grass is so green because Gray has been growing weed alongside the weeds. You didn't hear that from me though.
Four out of five weed leaves!
Creamsicle: THE GRIPPERS PLEASE. The webbed feet on this guy are crazy. He could go head to head with the Trout in the Missouri River with the amount of surface space between those little toe beans. You have not experienced real pain until you have felt the absolute GRIP of his claws in your soft, supple human skin.
Michael Jackson: The next feline I would like to review for you is a black and white beauty that came to us one stormy night. Sometimes when he looks at me, I can’t tell if he is seriously trying to steal my soul and all of my darkest secrets, OR, if he just wants some Temptation treats. This guy is seriously so hard to read.
out of
Nine out of ten claws
Queenie: The last feline I would like to introduce you to is the alpha feline at our humble abode! Queenie doesn't quite get along with the other felines and prefers to hide in the corners and hiss at anything that breathes/exists. After consulting with professionals, we believe that Queenie may have Feline Down Syndrome, but we have yet to tell her. We don’t quite know why she looks that, but we love her nonetheless
Four of four kitty cats! Would highly recommend!
Two
two Billie Jeans
As the kids would say, #EATTHERICH, but not actually though because that's not very vegan of us. However, I’m not opposed to those rich bastards becoming food for the fishes.
The Titan Submersible, a five-star restaurant, according to Michelin! Nom nom nom nom nom. Those fish never had such a fine dining experience! #reversepescetarianism
What do you think was the real reason for the sinking of the Titan submersible?
I find it completely hilarious that some pretentious science goofers spent more money on finding some rich fucks than finding a cure for that fake virus that was going around for a while. Another reason why I, Daniel Gerth, should be in charge of government spending instead of those other old white guys, smh. However, my secret contact in Atlantis told me of a possible Kraken attack. The facts are there!! You just have to dig deep! And I mean, REALLY deep. Those guys were like really far down there.
I don’t really care why the submarine sank. If I can't use the material in my Cultural Traditions class, also known as that class about World War 2, then it is irrelevant information.
!!!!Real Photo
Evidence of a Kraken/Merpeople Alliance!!!!!
(Eye Candy)- when Dan isn’t practicing satanism or hanging out with Bob, he can be found curled up with a steamy Dr. Seuss novel.
(crystal white smile)Dan’s pearly whites are infamous. HIs secret, skip the toothpaste and do meth. Dan swears by this, he says his teeth have never been more sparkly.
(What’s Natural?)- Just say yes to silicone! The bigger the better, says Dan. “You’ll look hotter this way.”
(oh baby)- sure it may seem like there may be a baby hiding in there, but really, it's Budweiser. If there is one thing to get the Gerth physique, it’s keep that fridge stocked with your favorite beer.
(Cat Scratch Fever)- Bob is Dan’s Fur-ever bestie. Bob’s cat scratch fever is even used as an initiation ritual for all Brain Stew submitters, that’s why they all seem…off…
Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded, responsible, thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
--Ed Munn Sanchez
Did you know that in America cis-males are responsible for…
• 89.5% of all homicides
• 98.9% of all rapes
• 87.9% of all robberies
• 85% of all burglaries
• 83% of all arsons
• 81.7% of all vandalisms
• 81.5% of all car thefts
• 77.8% of all aggravated assaults
• 79.7% of all child abuses
• 98% of all mass shootings
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored* free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, just things, ok?? What's with the third degree? Jeez.
We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!
How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
How to stalk:
@umslbrainstew @UMSLBrainStew
Meow Meow Meow
Think Abby is going to stab him to death tomorrow? It’s definitely not impossible.
The Pifco Electric Vibratory Massager keeps my uterus from wandering! I’m Josiah Ayres, a satisfied customer