Brain Stew, 2019-20, Issue 15

Brain Stew

the finest choice in toilet material est. 1969

Have you played Animal Crossing New Horizons and how is it so far?

Holly Pope

This is a super peaceful game! I’ve always been an Animal Crossing fan since the Nintendo 64. I love playing this game to relax between admission letters!

Jen Richardson Very nice game play! I wasn’t sure I’d like it but I’ve time travelled so much that my island is now fully civilized!

Raymond is my favorite!

Dan Gerth

Bahh! I swear if by Animal Crossing you mean I’m going to have to stop and let the geese walk in the road, I’m going to hit every goose on campus. At least this Animal Crossing thing is getting you to write more Brain Stew.

PIERRE LACLEDE STILL HAS A BALL! In fact, this is his 3rd ball, so good for him. It’s at least 2 balls more than Lance Armstrong has. NEW DATE: SEPTEMBER 19. Bought a ticket already? It’s good for the new date! Still need to purchase a ball ticket? Student tickets are $20 and can be purchased online here. Are you reading this the old-fashioned, hard-copy way? LIAR! We’re all locked in our homes because of the plague. Although maybe you are printing BS yourself? If the hyperlink doesn’t work, blame Sammy for bad layouts and email Dan (gerthd@umsl.edu) for the real link.

Do you like balls? Want to plan next year’s ball and other PLHCSA events? It’s time to run for office!

What will you do after you change all your classes to S/U? We ask select Brain Stew authors, editors, and Ed.

Drugs --Tommy Hoffmann, author

Drugs --Cameron McLaughlin, submitted to a contest once and Dan told us to put it in BS w/o asking.

Drugs --Tony Deluvia, editor, first responder

Drugs --Jen Churchill, author

Drugs --Mya Horn, author

Drugs --Sammy Jacobs, editor

Drugs --Kenny Miller, “author”

Drugs --Monica Fartmeyer, editor

Not returning your damn papers anymore, that’s for sure. Trust me, even when you get an A, you are very unsatisfactory!

--Ed, “professor” of “philosophy”

SOME STEW NEWS What is up all you eels and muskrats, its Some Stew News, coming at you with some shenanigans. I have it on some dank authority that billionaire meme-lord Elon Musk has created the vaccine that will end the COVID-19 pandemic so we can get back to our plebeian task of wishing we had Tesla cars.

The Musky Boi himself has announced that he will distribute his vaccine via randomly distributed eggs in a nationwide Easter Egg hunt despite the Vatican cancelling Easter congregations. When asked about his sudden dive into COVID-19 research Musk responded, “Nobody cancels Easter, not on my watch.”

(Needles not included, those of us at Brain Stew suggest searching Dan’s car for some gently used ones.)

DAN GERTH WILL DO YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU! WITH JUST A $4.20 A WEEK PAYMENT, YOU WILL GET A 69% OR LOWER IN ALL YOUR CLASSES!

How is UMSL able to give so many scholarships to students?

Bob the Cat, a feline millionaire, support fees (or maybe underground drug cartel?) Proof below:

HOME SCHOOL GUEST LECTURER So everyone's stuck in their homes right now, some of us spending basically 24/7 with family members. I know a lot of you guys might have kids or younger siblings or something, and you're somehow supposed to be working from home AND home schooling them. That sounds awful for everyone involved.

They say it takes a village to raise a kid, and there's no reason for a global pandemic to change that. So, if any of you are looking to catch a break, or add some variety to your kiddo's education, I'm more than willing to act as a tutor or guest lecturer of sorts.

My strengths lay mostly in math and software development, but honestly, I could probably talk about anything confidently enough to convince your kids that I know what I'm talking about. I mean, c'mon, they're kids. How hard can it be?

Actually, I've already got some lecture ideas that may pique your interest: - Ethics and Technology: How to use VPNs and bittorrent to safely pirate media - Home Economics: How to do my taxes (like my taxes. I just need help) - Elementary Differential Equations: Or, how to become a literal wizard, with the help of numbers - Recess: - Language Arts: A weekly class where we read and talk about my personal favorite, House of Leaves. Prerequisites include a 3rd grade reading proficiency. A familiarity with Lovecraftian horror would help as well.

- Ancient History: Honestly this would probably end up being me drinking a six pack while I yell at them for an hour about how the Great Sphinx was built by an ancient civilization that was wiped out of existence by a coronal mass ejection roughly 10,000 years ago I'm available most evenings and weekends. If you're interested, you know how to reach me!

- Professor Michael Slim Shady Votaw

BRAIN STEW SAYS THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO IS ASSISTING US FINANCIALLY DURING THESE DIFFICULT TIMES

WASHINGTON, DC – Fannie Mae (FNMA/OTCQB) wants to help ensure families are given options in these uncertain times in the case of job loss, a reduction in work hours, illness, or other issues. We want to remind those impacted by COVID-19 of available mortgage assistance and relief options. Under Fannie Mae's guidelines for single-family mortgages: • Homeowners impacted by this national emergency are eligible for a forbearance plan to reduce or suspend their mortgage payments for up to 12 months • Homeowners in a forbearance plan will not incur late fees

We want to assure you that your power will stay on during this extraordinary time. To help, we are forgiving late payment fees for both residential and business customers and all disconnections have been temporarily suspended until further notice.

KEEPING THE WATER ON – We have suspended billing-related service shutoffs. We will continue to evaluate this suspension period and remain in compliance with state orders.

TURNED WATER SERVICE BACK ON – Customers who were previously shut off for non-payment have had their service restored. This includes customers whose water service was turned off for non-payment of sewer service, even if Missouri American Water is not the sewer service provider.

SUSPENDED LATE FEES – We have suspended late fees until further notice. If you’re experiencing a financial hardship, please call 866-430-0820 to discuss your eligibility to enter into a payment arrangement.

AT&T is proud to support our customers by pledging that, for the next 60 days, we won’t terminate service and will waive late payment fees of any wireless, home phone, or broadband residential or small business customer.

Additionally, we’re waiving domestic wireless plan overage charges for data, voice, or text for residential or small business wireless customers incurred because of economic hardship related to the coronavirus pandemic.

Dear Students, The Cashier’s Office staff hopes this email finds you well during this difficult time. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused significant interruptions in everyone’s lives, and we realize the sudden financial impact it has had may have also affected your ability to make your final payment on your student account for the Spring 2020 term.

With this in mind, we are temporarily changing our financial hold policy for students who are enrolled in the Spring term. We will not prevent you from enrolling in summer or fall classes, send your bill to a collection agency, send Tommy to break your knee caps, murder your dog, or burn down your house unless you owe more than $1,000 still from your spring tuition, which is paying for bullshit innovative class delivery, including “watch this video instead of doing a lab” and “play your violin into the computer.”

Students with a balance of $1,000 or less will be allowed to enroll in Summer and Fall courses. While this change is only temporary and will end at a random unannounced moment of our choosing, we hope this helps to ease some of your immediate financial burden. Please keep in mind these current balances will still be due along with your upcoming semester tuition and fees, but the Cashier’s Office will be as accommodating as we can with your payment plans for the Summer and Fall. We will continue to harass you via email and phone calls, charge late fees, refuse to issue your diploma, and treat you with general disdain.

We hope this change helps you continue your educational journey. Stay safe, and as always, please reach out to us with any questions or concerns. We are here to help. Please contact us at cashiers@umsl.edu.

Sincerely, Mitch Hess Director of Cashiers and Student Accounts

FREE BS ZOOM BACKGROUNDS

BLAKE NEWS www.BNN.com

“Too good to be true? It must be Blake News!”

Coketember™ 3rd, 3124

GALACTIC OFFICER SHOOTS UNARMED MARTIAN Greetings, children of the stars!

This is Blacob Greatreporter writing to you LIVE from my office desk, four days ago!

ship was moving way too fast.

Then, when I got to the window, I found out the guy was listening to terrible music. Like,

Our top story tonight: During a routine traffic stop, a galactic highway patrolman shot and killed an unarmed Martian American. For more details, here’s a special write-up from our 80 percent plastic, worldfamous field reporter: Trouble in Paradise

Artist’s rendition by yours truly

by Yooslis Bimboh

really awful stuff. Not classical music like Billie Eilish or Kendrick Lamar - it was that Satanic noise that all the kids are getting into. So, I did what any logical, sane patrolman would do: I held up my phaser and blew his head off.”

It was a match made in heaven: Polly Saccharide, a beautiful Alabama schoolteacher, and Whatsan Upquark, a Martian cattle merchant. Madly in love, the two were set to be married by the end of Coketember™, but everything changed with one fateful afternoon.

Last Funday, around 14:53 Milky Standard Time, Whatsan Upquark was making cattle deliveries when a highway patrolman stopped his craft.

The officer, Pleezdont Releezmahnaym, accused Mr. Upquark of flying past a red traffic signal without stopping. Then, only seconds later, the patrolman shot Mr. Upquark at point-blank range, killing him instantly.

Regarding the decision to fire, here is officer Releezmahnaym’s official statement: “Look, the

OBEY

Polly Saccharide (Upquark’s fiancée) insisted upon a more sinister narrative: “The music story is a lie,” she said between sobs. “They shot him because he’s a Martian. You know it’s true! This kind of thing would never happen to a Neptunian.”

Blake’s Take Shocking stuff! Thank you, miss Bimboh. Between allegations of racism and poor taste in music, I can’t tell which is worse. Fortunately, because I am the greatest of all the Greatreporters, I called the officer’s

boss to get to the bottom of all this: “Sir,” I said, “How do you respond to those accusing your patrolman of being an elitist, xenophobic scumbag?”

“Y’know,” replied police Chief Squarejaw, “bein’ a Galactic Patrolman ain’t always easy.

Sometimes, after fightin’ off a hangover, I come in to work a little later than normal, and my secretary STILL ain’t made a fresh pot of coffee! I mean Jesus, how many times I gotta repeat myself? Anyways, point is, it’s a stressful job. We’re doin’ the best we can, so just leave us alone, will ya?”

There you have it, folks. The police are trying their best. How wonderful!

Well, that’s all for now. Special thanks to Polly Saccharide and Chief Squarejaw for taking the time to speak with us. This is Blacob Greatreporter signing off, and from all of us at BNN: Stay Blake out there!

Author’s Note: Whatsan Upquark is survived by three brothers: Redsolok, Shutdephuck, and Jim. The gorgeous miss Saccharide continues to grieve, as she is allegedly unavailable for dinner at the time of this report.

Blake News is not free. By pledging just one dollar a day, you too can lose thirty dollars by the end of the month. We here at BNN value your contribution, and we promise to give you a passing thought on our next team-building retreat to Las Vegas.

not shown: everyone force feeding it through their face masks

i miss him... </3

note: if this turns into the zombie apocalypse i will pay someone to kill me. but like in an unexpected way. if i see it coming it is not fun. please send serious inquiries to: brainstew@ umsl.edu

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to: Brainstew@umsl.edu WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stewâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus

organizations.

We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017 as well as TWO national titles from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 & 2018.

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator.

UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content.

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