Brain Stew, 2019-20, Issue 14

S T N I E A W R B Who’s watching?

BS please

stay

inside

Two weeks of Zoom meetings and classes.

Have you learned anything interesting?

Yes! I have learned that a lot of women don’t wear make-up when they’re only in Zoom meetings. Ladies, I know you’re not leaving the house, but we can still see you, you know. This is no way to land a husband.

Yes! I have learned that I shall be murdering Rob Wilson after the plague is over. I shall hunt him down and kill him.

Possibly turn his skin into a coat. Undecided on that part.

Uh, nope. Nothing. Haven’t learned a thing. Nothing to see here. Thank you.

WARNING: Reading the novel Brain Stew-19 causes only mild or moderate symptoms for most people, such as laughter and disrespect for authority.

But for some people, especially older adults and people without a sense of humor, it can cause more severe illness, such as stick-up-the-ass-itis or even death. Out of an abundance of caution, we recommend that you only read Brain Stew-19 from six feet away and while wearing an N95 surgical mask. And a condom or dental dam, as it definitely causes herpes.

Quarantine Journal: Day 16

I have been in isolation for 16 days now. I miss human interaction, even the awkward parts like that thing were you and a stranger are on the same side of the walkway, so you try to move out of the way and they go the same direction and you both just say “ope”. Especially that, I haven’t said ope in about a week. It’s killing me.

My trips to the grocery store are the only things keeping me sane, even if I have to fight someone for a package of bacon and toilet paper. Also, seasonal allergies need to get the cue to f*ck off.

If I even sniffle I get dirty looks from everyone in the store. I have watched every episode of Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Tiger King, and every other miserable show I said I would never watch to avoid being “mainstream”.

On top of that, I have been playing Animal Crossing for at least 12 hours a day for the last week and I’m starting to get migraines from staring at the screen for too long. I have been living off of dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and pizza. I accidentally busted out a beer during a zoom work meeting the other day, and it was the first time I have felt something in two weeks. I am beginning my descent into madness. My dreams have been Animal Crossing themed for the past 3 nights. Where is the punchline to this joke? There isn’t one. This is the life of a Brain Stew editor.

Tiger King and America’s Untamed Subconscious There is not much more American than a bunch of wacky people down south abusing animals. I’m totally kidding, but there is something to say about the fact that there are more tigers in American captivity than there are tigers in all of the jungles of Asia. Maybe you could call that American exceptionalism, freedom, man’s authority over nature, or some other word or phrase to try and make sense of a ridiculous fact. I personally have a hard time wrapping my head around this. I can say it. I can say it all day long and it still doesn’t seem to truly register in my brain.

It seems to be the same as me saying over and over, “Unicorns are real. Unicorns are real. Unicorns are real.” I could say it all day and it would still be false.

That being said, however, there is so much worse that is offered in Netflix’s “Tiger King.” If it was all just people having tigers that wouldn’t even scratch the surface of the hell-hole that is “Tiger King.” I mean there are real-life scenes that occur in that show which I could not come up with if you paid me to write the most absurd story possible. It is that crazy. The inclusion of polygamy, murder, fire-arm use, drug use, possible prostitution, and under-produced on-line talk shows is one for the record books. What a great show to watch at a time of total uncertainty?

What could be better?

I think that this time we all have could be used in a variety of ways, but one thing that I am focusing on during this time is, “What do I concern myself with?”

There is so much I get myself involved with and worried about in my life. This pandemic and this ridiculous tv show have made me realize that life is too short to

be concerning myself with things that don’t matter. How much better could I have spent the seven hours it took me to watch “Tiger King”? The answer to that question is that I could have done much better things with that time. I could have read a good book, a long book like ​Ulysses​, or called all of my loved ones, or played a bunch of games of chess with my little brother.

This is all true, but how many people did the same thing that I did. How many wasted hours have people spent on watching the white trash tiger show instead of really spending good time with their families? The number must be staggering.

Then you consider all of the other tv shows that just rip through people's time like a wolf through a water balloon o’ blood.

American pop-culture is just full of stupid excuses for entertainment. This is not just America, however, there is an almost world-wide phenomena of trash tv.

Don’t get me wrong, there is something to say about someone’s freedom to do whatever they chose. That is what is so good about this country, but there is something to say about the shrinking of the American attention span. People want to know every little fact about the dregs of our society while there are people doing noble things in this world. How many great people are saving lives during this time, and will they get the same recognition? Of course they won’t.

I know what you might be thinking, “Nobody admires the white trash tiger guy.” That may be true, but there are a hell of a lot of people who admire the Kardashians and what is really the difference between the two? I just hope that people will spend less time watching these shows and spending more time with the

people they love. I hope that people will stop quoting the Kardashians and start quoting doctors, professors, and true intellectuals. Or maybe just thinking for their damn selves. I wish people would stop doing the same things just because that is what everyone else is doing and start finding things they really like to do.

That is the only good thing about this monumentally horrific time in America; People can now spend a lot of time trying to learn things they never would have had time to before. I’m not saying that watching shows like “Tiger King” is necessarily a terrible thing to do. It is harmless compared to a lot of things you could be doing at this point in time, but couldn’t we find a better image during this time than the tiger guy?

CONTEST! Why are you paying attention in class? Get a screen shot of your Zoomy professor and make us laugh! The BEST submission wins a ticket to the Honors Ball in September. If your submission is about Rob Wilson, you win TWO tickets! This is a REAL contest. We can weasel $20 out of Dan, easy.

SUBMIT TO: BRAINSTEW@UMSL.EDU

WHO WORE IT BETTER?

answer: no one. life is sad and has no meaning currently. everything is meaningless. time has no real value. we are wasting our days away inside.

The Euphemism Dictionary And now, for my next trick, I will rip off an old George Carlin routine by listing a bunch of phrases that pervert the English language. Here’s all that and a bag of chips: Global Health Crisis – biblical plague

Alternative Facts – lies

Bad Test-Taker – moron

Sanitation Worker – trash man

Food Insecurity – starvation

Bun in the Oven – yeast in the snatch

Loveseat – fuckchair

Social Distancing – isolation

Fake News – propaganda

Driveway – parkway

To Have and to Hold – to leave in ten years

Parkway – driveway

Not Very Photogenic – ugly barnacle

Campaign – war

Enhanced Interrogation Methods – torture

Brain Stew Contributor – man or woman

Not a Fan of Social Media – lonely

in desperate need of a psychiatrist

Ethnic Cleansing – genocide

Brian Stew Reader – man or woman in

Gluten-free – expensive Between Jobs – unemployed I Love Binge-Watching Better Call Saul – I’m so horribly depressed that my last meal was four days ago when I grabbed a glass of water from my nightstand that had some sort of weird crust floating at the top

desperate need of something to read on the toilet

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Rob Wilson says, “I bought hydroxychloroquine from Brain Stew, and it cured my coronavirus! I also died yesterday, but that was from something unrelated, I’m sure. Also, my fish tank is looking great!

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to: Brainstew@umsl.edu WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus

organizations.

We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017 as well as TWO national titles from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 & 2018.

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