BS 2019-20, Issue 12, alternate readability version

Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that even Jesus could not eat it? Editor’s note: substitute any deity you believe to be omnipotent and all-loving in place of Jesus. Question works, regardless of your belief system, as long as you either believe in, or can hypothesize, an omnipotent and all-loving deity. Also, the burrito is NOT infected with coronavirus – although that obviously would not matter to an omnipotent deity.

This is the most important question in the history of philosophy. In a humorous manner, it addresses what is actually called “the problem of evil.” To be more specific, how can you reconcile an omnipotent and all-loving deity with the presence of evil in the world? It’s an impossible question to answer in a non-faith based manner.

To elucidate, if you say that Jesus cannot microwave the burrito that hot, you are questioning his omnipotence.

How can He be all-powerful if He cannot accomplish this?

On the other hand, if you say He can microwave a burrito that hot , you are again questioning his omnipotence, as how could He ever not be capable of eating the burrito?

In terms of evil, people often argue that evil exists because of people exercising their free

I assume that you mean a vegan bean burrito, right? RIGHT? You disgust me. Leave now, you murderer. And may Jesus have mercy on your soul – the same mercy you did not show to the cow you MURDERED for this burrito.

will in an evil manner, and that God gave us free will as part of his divine plan. However, if God is both omnipotent AND allloving, He could accomplish His divine plan in such a way that people have free will AND there’s still no such thing as evil or suffering of any kind. That’s what omnipotence is all about!

C-A-T could spell D-O-G. For God to allow evil to exist, He must be either A) not omnipotent and thus incapable of preventing evil. Or B) not allloving and thus does not care about our suffering. This is exactly what Voltaire is

Where exactly did Jesus buy this burrito? And do they still have toilet paper? The burrito I just ate came from 7/11, but… well, I’m having some other problems and 7/11 was no help, if you know what I mean. addressing in his poem about the Lisbon earthquake, and to a lesser extent in his novel Candide, which you all read in Cultural Traditions II, I’m sure.

A faith-based answer, on the other hand, reconciles these contradictions via the belief that we are incapable of fully comprehending God or His divine plan and must instead rely on faith.

Out of toilet paper? Trying to decide if you need to murder a hoarder or shit in the yard and drag your butt across the ground like a dog? Brain Stew to the rescue! Please enjoy this complimentary TP from the Stew.

It’s not Charmin, but if you’ve been using ProHo TP, you’re used to much, much worse!

God damn it! Look at this! I’ve got shit smeared on my computer screen now.

F*** you, Brain Stew!

PIERRE LACLEDE HONORS COLLEGE PRESENTS

COUCHELLA COUCHELLA VALLEY MUSIC AND ARTS FESTIVAL

Zoom Lectures

FRIDAY APRIL 10 & 17

Vacuum Salesman Knocking At Your Door • Birds Flying Into Your Window •

Little Brother Doing Fortnite Dances • Cat Walking Across Keyboard • Late Night Ads • Beginning Your Descent Into Alcoholism • Ramen Noodles In Bed • Social Isolation • Losing the TV Remote • Starting A Podcast That No One Will Listen To

SATURDAY APRIL 11 & 18

Netflix

Yelling What Back At Your Mom 3x After She Calls Your Name & Getting No Reply • Life Feeling Wasted Sitting At Home • Watching 5 Hours of Anime •

Missing Human Interaction • Late Night Ads • Worrying About Other People Not Being Able To Afford to Lose Their Job • Eating The Same 5 Meals Because You Don’t Know How To Cook • FaceTime Group Chat • Sleeping for 16 Hours A Day • Watching Every TV Show On Netflix

Cancelled Vacations

SUNDAY APRIL 12 & 19

Naming A Volleyball Spalding And Becoming Best Friends • Sleeping Outside With The Street Racoons Just To Feel Something • Learning To Make Kombucha • No Structure • Your Mom Vacuuming at 6AM Every Morning • Taking In Stray Cats •

Losing Money In The Stock Market • Feeling Disconnected • Being Expected To Perform at Full Capacity • Missing Your Friends

what.. what if we kissed... under the taco bell drive thru sign

sup bros, spring break was CANCELLED. keep ur head up tho we can make it through this. hopefully my girlfriend doesn’t want to do anything because i’m not trying to hang out with her. just want to be alone in this time of sorrow. really want to buy a switch just to play animal crossing, but i think my bros will make fun of me for playing it. they will know. they always know fratty b out.... just need some time to think about life

POCKET SAND: THE FUTURE OF SELF DEFENSE FOR WOMEN LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER GONE TO A CROWDED EVENT AND GOT YOUR MACE, POCKETKNIFE, OR AK-47 CONFISCATED BY SECURITY?

WE HAVE A SOLUTION: POCKET SAND! POCKET SAND IS A NONLETHAL SELF DEFENSE WEAPON THAT CAN GET PAST ANY METAL DETECTOR. WHEN A FOE APPROACHES, SIMPLY REACH INTO YOUR POCKET, PULL OUT SOME SAND, AND THROW IT DIRECTLY INTO THEIR EYES. IT'S THAT EASY!

AÂ HANDFUL OF SAND KEEPS THE CREEPERS AWAY

What is going to be the behavior that finally pushes you over the edge? Fill out bracket and send dan picture of $4.20 to play. Winner wins pot--I mean THE pot!

SHITTY HOROSCOPES - corona edition

Aquarius - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Pisces - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Aries - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Taurus - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Gemini - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Cancer - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Leo - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Virgo - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Libra - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Scorpio - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Sagittarius - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

Capricorn - wash your fucking h*nds you dip shit. stay inside.

SHOULD YOU BE AFRAID OF CORONAVIRUS?

DISCLAIMER: This is satire, dumb-asses.

Don’t fuck around and think you’re immune from coronavirus because you’re young. Also, we don’t know if Rob has herpes, but it’s better to be on the safe side with that too.

Seriously, though.

Don’t do stupid shit.

DAN GERTH VS ROB WILSON At your age? Probably not too much. That virus is kind of a wimp.

What kind of punk-ass virus only kills old people and children? Also, what isn’t a threat to old people and children? See this paper clip?

There are 12 ways to kill a grandma with this paper clip.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Now, take the Spanish Flu of 1918.

That pandemic didn’t f*** around.

That thing killed more than 20 million people, and half of them were your age. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Nothing good has ever come from Spain.

Definitely. This thing might not be fatal to a lot of people, but it obviously can be. I’m not afraid, though. My wife is a doctor – a real doctor, not the kind of doctor I am.

We have crates full of Tamiflu; saline IVs, half-saline IVs, D5W IVs, and RL IVs; mRNA-1273 vaccines; Robitussin (the good kind you can get high on); pseudoephedrine; 12 different kinds of flu shots, and all sorts of stuff you’ve never heard of. My blood-flu vaccine level is usually somewhere around .08, so I don’t get sick. I mean, except for herpes. There’s no cure for that.

when someone roasts you for watching anime 24/7 during quarantine by calling you a weeb:

SUBMIT TO BRAINSTEW USING THIS QR CODE:

Why The Hell is KFC’s Marketing so Weird Amid the concern for the corona virus spreading across the world, KFC has officially recanted their slogan of being “finger lickin’ good”, a slogan that has been in use since 1956. That is 64 years of tongues touchin’ fingers and you know its just a weird slogan. This led me to think about KFC’s unusual marketing tactics. I’m sure everyone can think of at least one weird thing they’ve seen from KFC. This led me down a deep, dark, and delicious chicken hole (don’t think to hard about it) to find the most bat-shit (corona pun unintended) crazy things that KFC has done in the name of publicity.

As we’ll see later, KFC’s memery really ramps up around 2015 when they go out of their way to revitalize their brand, but the earliest extreme stunt that KFC has pulled was back in 2009 when Colonel Sanders sneaked past all security and got into the UN. To the right you will see the Colonel shaking hands with Ali Treki, at the time new president of the United Nations General Assembly.

Sanders submitted a letter signed

by KFC’s President lobbying for the UN to accept “Grilled Nation” as a member state. The UN’s official response was, “It should not have happened- that I will stress, and very strongly… There was some lapse in security.”

In 2015 KFC showcased their Memories Bucket made to attract, as pointed out by many cynical news articles, “millennials obsessed with their phones”. So this bucket came with a Bluetooth photo printer, yet it only showed up as a giveaway item in Canada for the 60th anniversary of KFC’s operations in Canucklandia.

Also in 2015, KFC partnered with DC Comics to produce a Kentucky Fried comic book.

Then in 2016 they did another finger lickin’ work of literature because… reasons?

You can probably find these somewhere online for free because nerds.

From here on out I’ll preface that 2019 was a really clucking weird year of KFC marketing. 2019 saw the Colonel Sanders skin rug, made a giveaway item through a Valentine’s Day creativity contest on Reddit where winners could win the rug, fried chicken pajama onesies, two gift cards to KFC for a year, and a yearly subscription to a streaming service of choice.

For those of you not aware of Madame Tussauds’ slew of wax museums, that’s what they are. Just museums of wax, typically of famous people. In 2019 the Madame Tussauds museum in Delhi, India showed off a wax replica of KFC’s Zinger sandwich, 1.5 times larger than the actual sandwich.

The colonel is compensating.

We’re gonna ignore how fake this background is

2017 witnessed the unholy creation of the KFC Internet Escape Pod. A Kentucky Fried Faraday Cage. If you don’t know what a faraday cage is then its obvious you’re uncultured and don’t watch Doomsday Preppers. Purposed to cut off cell signals so you can enjoy some quality cock time with roughly 3 other Only one was made, and offered for 10,000$ people and a bucket of Honestly don’t know what happened to it chicken. but I want to know.

Are you uncomfortable yet? It only gets worse I swear. To your right you will see the most abominable and elusive culinary creation by KFC. The Chizza Fried chicken pizza crust, mozzarella, “chicken ham”

,

(chicken abused to the point it mimics ham)

pineapple, and a secret cheese sauce. A sinful creation.

Appeared in India and the Phillipines in 2015, spread to Singapore and Japan by 2017, then a secret/experimental release in the UK back in 2018 but it has never reached American shores.

ch ow mu h d n a t shit nders don’t u searching this s y u g u e Yo rr yself fo I hate m

KFC values mothers, and so in 2017 they put out a free, 96 page, romantic e-book as a Mother’s Day gift.

Set in Victorian England, the courtly lady Madeline Parker is forced to choose between her elegant life of order and a life rich with flavorful passion with the mysterious sailor Harland Sanders.

In the upper left corner there is a QR code in case you want to read this work of romantic intrigue

Below you can see another Mother’s Day treat from KFC in 2019, the Chickendales, in which KFC hired the Chippendales to do what they do.

To chip your mother’s dale.

In 2016 KFC dropped an album consisting of two tracks, written and perfomed by Portlandia’s (who the hell actually liked that show?) Fred Armisen.

This was done to commemorate the return of KFC’s Nashville Hot Chicken.

125 vinyl copies were distributed across 14 record stores in the U.S. but you can just find it on SoundCloud.

In the August of 2018 KFC proposed a challenge to the world. Have a baby born September 9th (the birthday of Colonel Sanders) and name it after the revered Colonel in order to receive 11,000$, because herbs and spices. Harland “Harly” Rose will surely grow up to resent her parents.

2019 also saw KFC setup crowdfunding ventures on the website Indiegogo via their page KFC Innovations Labs. These are wild to say the least.

Smart Cane Remote: just giving a cane the ability to change the channel when you shake it at your tv like the angry old person we all aspire to be.

Little Colonel Locator: a tracking chip in a clip on tie. Need to know where your baby is at all time? Clip a snazzy ass tie on em’.

Kentucky Fried Hot Tub: pretty self explanatory isn’t it?

Picnic with the Colonel: if you’re lonely you can assemble a cardboard picnic table and Colonel Sanders cutout. It’ll even hold a bucket of chicken for you. Just don’t cry on it, because cardboard.

The Colonel on Ice Ice-Skating Show: a magical and elegant performance as masters of the craft glide upon the ice and recant the life story of Harland Sanders.

None of these got even close to being legitimately funded, so we can only wonder what could have been

Please appreciate the needless effort I put into this

2019 really showed me that there is no low too filth ridden and no high too potent to stop KFC from trying to gain publicity from it.

Above is the video game that KFC created and published for free on Steam. I Love You Colonel Sanders is a dating simulator in which you attend a summer culinary school thing where your professor is a corgi and the mysterious Harland Sanders is a stunning up and coming chef. Your goal is to romance the ever living cluck out of Colonel Daddy. I played it and it is interesting to say the least. Side effects include mental trauma, confused screaming, a craving for anime tendies and a slow but painful acceptance of loneliness.

Spring of 2020 will see the existence of KFC Crocs. That is all I have to say about that.

Finger Lickin’ Honorable Mentions The multiple examples of wacky marketing previously mentioned are just ones that stood out to me, but you best believe there are so many more.

KFC Sunscreen (not for consumption) KFC Log that smells like chicken when burnt KFC Scented Candles KFC Bathbomb KFC Flavored Nail Polish Buying a time slot on the Ultra Music Festival’s mainstage so a mediocre DJ wearing a Colonel Sanders mascot head could bore a lot of people who were already on various drugs KFC Advertisement visible from space because reasons KFC Twitter being subscribed to 6 guys named Herb and 5 Spice Girls When a fan noticed the KFC Twitter’s joke they were rewarded with an oil painting of the Colonel giving them a piggy back ride.

A public apology after KFC ran out of chicken in which they displayed a bucket that humbly said “FCK” Cocktail Recipes centered around KFC’s intoxicating gravy KFC Corsage Kits for prom, included a drumstick and a 5$ gift card Sending a Zinger sandwich to the earth’s upper atmosphere for absolutely no other reason than to see if they could KFC flavored truffles A Chicago man dressed as the Colonel repelling down buildings to give free meals to window cleaners KFC corporate’s ID badges state “Make the Colonel proud” on the back Free bowl cuts inspired by KFC’s chicken bowls An online store sporting KFC related swag, from socks to necklaces An animatronic Colonel Sanders voice modulator so people can give their drive through order directly to the Colonel.

Too many foreign specific food items to list, examples being consumable cups, shrimp burgers/ doughnuts, chicken substituting bread where it definitely shouldn’t and unfortunately more The long list of interesting actors/celebrities that have played the Colonel in commercials including Darrel Hammond, Jim Gaffigan, Billy Zane, Reba McEntire, RoboCop (Peter Weller), Dolph Ziggler, and many more

Dan Gerth is actually 420 years old Dan’s beard grows longer with each child he eats.

UMSL CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Dan’s cat Bob is actually Bob 4.0.

Ed does a much better job than The first 3 versions he served as Dan with the Common Room catering for the honors ball in the coffee – making way more coffee, years past. providing us with earth-friendly recyclable cups, keeping the Kristin Sobolik is the Zodiac Killer/ station neat and tidy, and having Lizard Queen high quality coffee.

The geese are actually paid by Dan Gerth has natural coronavirus the UM System to watch the area. immunity, and if you steal some Cheaper than paying police of his blood, you will also become immune. Suggestions: bite him The Deans of all the colleges get like a vampire or steal the blood together in a secret society to he keeps in vials in his basement prepare for the end of the world. for “just in case” he needs them.

They decide which students to take with them and which The disappearance of coffee mugs students they would eat first. is due to Sammy Jacobs taking them and forgetting to put them The coronavirus is actually a back in the cabinet. government conspiracy to help out all of the UMSL faculty who The coffee in the 2nd floor don’t feel like teaching anymore. breakroom is actually dosed with trace amounts of cocaine, which Ed’s grandfather, Pancho Munn the honors college faculty chips Sanchez, started the Spanish Flu, in together to buy from a student which killed millions in 1918. dealer.

Dan Gerth is only 45 years old.

Aren’t Sure What to Ask the Associate Dean Candidates? Choose one of these wonderful ice breaker questions!

-Monica, Mya, Kenny, and Jacob 1. Are you team cat, team dog or team slime?

2. How many times do you think Dan Gerth has eaten cat food “for the first time?”

What will you do to stop this dangerous behavior?

3. How will you fix the monstrosity that is the Proho bathrooms?

4. Which type of mold found within Provincial House is your favorite?

5. What do you foresee as some possible challenges that would accompany this position?

6. Are you comfortable with being satirized and mocked on a public forum facilitated by irresponsible students?

7. What is an associate dean?

8. How do you feel about being called Ass. Dean?

9. Which way do you face your toilet paper?

10. What is your vision for the Honors College? What would you do to bring this vision into fruition?

11. If you had to choose a bug that would grow to monstrous proportions and terrorize the city, what bug would that be?

12. Bathtub full of meat?

13. How many toddlers, and or indiscriminately aged people of less than standard height,

do you think you could fend off before they engulf you?

14. Which work of literature by Dr. Suess would you recommend for the UMSL Common Read program?

15. What measures would you take to improve recruitment and retention within the Honors College?

16. Which LEGO brick, when stepped upon, draws forth the highest degree of guttural pleasure from you?

17. Which day of the week should be pudding day?

18. What about the Honors College, or UMSL as a whole, drew you to apply for this position?

19. How would you design a spice rack for a blind person?

20. Using the ingredients available to oneself in the Honors College kitchen, what would your last meal be?

21. How good are you with repairing and or drunkenly screaming at and hitting malfunctioning office equipment?

22. If you were a trombone, which part would you be?

23. What improvements do you think could be made within the Honors College?

24. What actions would you take if it came to your attention that the floor was in fact lava?

25. How do you clasp your hands together? Left thumb over right or right thumb over left?

26. The one you hold dearest to you is turned into a fish.

Who is it and how do you react?

27. Are you an “innie” or an “outie”?

28. What contributions or strengths would you bring to the Honors College that aren’t already covered by our qualified faculty?

29. Name at least 1 unorthodox use of peanut butter that is not lewd. One is the minimum.

30. What is your stance on the word “moist”?

31. Who do you think is the sexiest muppet?

32. What’s your sexuality, nerf or nothing?

33. What would be your ideal work environment?

34. How many toenails in your soup is too many?

35. How much soup on your toenails is too much?

36. How many times do you plan to visit, pray, and make offerings to the Shrine of Dan?

37. What is your fursona?

38. How do you feel about human taxidermy?

39. Would you consider the amount of nipples you have to be sufficient for the position of associate dean?

40. How do you plan to correct the goose problem on campus?

41. Which song by Nickelback would you play at your funeral?

42. Why do you believe you are qualified for this Associate Dean position?

43. Which type of roof construction do you identify with?

44. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

45. Why does Adam Sandler smile so sad?

46. What do you think Gilbert Gottfried is doing this very moment?

47. What language do mimes think in?

48. What would you do to strengthen your bonds with the student body in the Honors College?

49. Is it morally problematic to want to punch a giraffe?

50. Are poptarts ravioli?

51. Are you willing to wear a fake beard for our amusement?

52. Do you think it is inappropriate to poop in the toilet of the bathroom with the Shrine of Dan? 53. Who is UMSL Person and what is UMSL Person’s role in your life?

54. Will you not only let Kenny submit to Brain Stew, but also encourage him, read his submissions, and tell him they are funny?

55. Use one adjective to describe who you are as a leader. Why did you pick this adjective?

56. What dictator is secretly a good friend?

57. On first impressions, what is one problem you believe is facing the Honors College and what ideas do you have for fixing that problem?

58. How many beans can you fit in your shoe?

59. What are your most played Spotify songs?

60. What podcasts are you into?

61. Community is important to UMSL. How familiar are you with St. Louis and it’s history?

62. What is your favorite combination of sodas to mix at a soda fountain?

63. How would you find a corner in a round room?

64. Which U.S. state should we sell and why?

65. Do you think the Honors College should sell weed to get more scholarship funding?

66. Do you think that English majors should actually be held accountable for their seeming inability to spell words and form basic sentences?

67. To Ed or not to Ed?

68. Can we eat your shoes instead of the Proho food?

69. ?

you heard it hear first. submit to brain stew