Brain Stew 2020-21, Issue 1

Fall 2020 - Issue 1 Surprised our funding wasn’t cut? Us too! Welcome back to another issue of Brain Stew, were we discuss the hardhitting issues only. p.s. information on how to submit is on the back cover!

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"Reflections on Youth by Jeremy Spriggs

"This image has deep philosophical "Well I can't find my glasses "Wait a minute, I have this exact image hanging up in my meaning. I see something deep in this anywhere but I like the dining room. How did you get into my house? You should get baboon's ass. The artist is trying to high and look at this picture. It's an incredible experience. Did pretty colors. It reminds me convey a sense of longing for Ed say something deep and profound about my baboon ass of the chew toy my darling something. But what? What are they picture? Of course he did.I think the artist is trying to tell us dog Perry ate and threw up trying to tell us? I will not rest until I to get high before we look deep at art." -philosophical Dan Gerth "This image has last night." - Nancy GleasonI can't find my glasses figure it out." - Dean Ed image has deep philosophical "Well "This

"Well I can't find my glasses anywhere but Ianywhere like the but I like the colors. pretty colors. Itpretty reminds me It reminds me chew toy my darling of the chew toyofmythe darling dogthrew Perryup ate and threw up dog Perry ate and last night." last night." - Nancy Gleason- Nancy Gleason

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"Reflections on Youth by Jeremy Spriggs"Wait a minute

meaning. something deep in this meaning. I see something deepI see in this baboon's ass.toThe artist isdining tryingroom. to How baboon's ass. The artist is trying high and conveyfor a sense of longing for look at th convey a sense of longing Ed say somethin something.

But what? What are they something. But what?

What are they picture? Of cours trying to tell us?I I will not rest until I trying to tell us? I will not rest until to get high figure it out." - Deanfigure Ed it out." - Dean Ed

"Wait a minute, I have this exact image hanging up in my dining room. How did you get into my house? You should get high and look at this picture. It's an incredible experience. Did Ed say something deep and profound about my baboon ass picture? Of course he did.I think the artist is trying to tell us to get high before we look at art." - Dan Gerth

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Hey You, Want to Learn More About Brain Stew and How You Can Be a Published “Author” or “Artist”?

The annual Brain Stew recruitment pizza party is still on! However, no pizza. You know. The plague.

There will be individually wrapped foodstuff, including meat sticks and candy bars that you can take away and eat alone later in your room in Oak or under a bridge like a common troll.

How to participate? TWO POSSIBLE WAYS: 1) We will meet in-person in the Legras Classroom in Provincial House. Just come to Provincial and someone will be there to help you find it. Seating will be arranged for social distancing, and capacity is limited. 2) You can join the meeting virtually on Zoom instead. Just email Dan (gerthd@umsl.edu) for the Zoom link.

August 27 at 5:30pm. See you in Legras (Provincial House) or on the big screen in Legras on Zoom!

Rob Wilson, King of the Bougies

 Stay home if you are sick.  If you are unable to stay home because you live with a highrisk individual or your home doesn’t have the Pornhub channel on Roku, quarantine in Ed’s office for 10 days.  Check your temperature daily and do not return to work if you have a temperature of 100.420 or higher.  If you don’t have a thermometer, an HR rep will come to your home to assist. Also, the only accurate temperature is taken with a butthole thermometer.  Clean and disinfect frequently touched objects and surfaces, such as desks, counters, doors, cabinets, and your genitals.  Maintain a six-foot distance between you and others.

Unless they are ugly. Then nine-feet is recommended.  Stay out of crowded places and avoid mass gatherings.

Except your classroom.  Avoid touching places where COVID can penetrate, such as eyes, nose, mouth, butthole, vagina, and whatever the hole at the tip of the penis is called.  Wash your hands often with soap and water for at least 20 seconds.  When unable to wash your hands with soap and water, lick your fingers for 20 seconds in order to sanitize and prevent spreading germs. 20 seconds per finger.

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

The Provincial House Times August 21, 2020

LATE EDITION TODAY: Gonorrhea would

have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

COST: $4.20

Mun Choi Ascends to Role as Dr. President Chancellor On July 29th the UM System Board of Directors voted to make Mun Choi an honorable Dr. President Chancellor, as he was already acting as Interim Chancellor of Mizzou. This is because Mizzou’s former chancellor, Alexander Cartwright yeeted for a position at the University of Central Florida. I am sure with the pandemic he has no regrets with that decision.

Mun Choi in an unexpected move in his first action as Dr. President Chancellor has appointed one Joseph Allen Maldonado-Passage né Schreibvogel, also known as Joe Exotic, to the newly formed position of Assistant to the Dr. President Chancellor.

Mun Choi’s contract got extended 2 years with no pay increase but I think the unofficially official title of Dr. President Chancellor is compensation enough.

Exotic Plans for Mizzou When asked what his plans for Mizzou were Mr. Exotic’s first declaration would be the changing of Mizzou’s Alma Mater from “Old Missouri” to the hit song “I Saw a Tiger”.

Mr. Exotic seemed especially excited to be able to meet and interact with Truman the Tiger suggesting it had been quite awhile since he had been able to appreciate the “primal energy and majesty of a big cat”.

In respect to Mun Choi’s appointment Exotic wanted to show his gratitude by thanking the UM System for his chance of a new life in Methzou—Missouri.

*insightful and or incendiary political commentary goes here* Heck it I don’t get paid enough to have opinions.

Completely unrelated photo of Mizzou mascot Truman the Tiger (Louie Says No to Drugs) ((Probably))

We Here at Brain Stew Would like to Reiterate a Message Near and Dear to Our Hearts.

Karen You Are Just the Absolute Worst Please Stop

Local band Dead Format’s newest single Cheap Vacation is out now.

Do the things on Spotify.

Surprise the cheap vacation is

My Boyfriend’s a Nerd: Gamer Profile Monica Holtmeyer

Welcome to “My Boyfriend’s a Nerd,” this new article finally gives video game content its rightful place in Brainstew. For my first article I’ll give you a brief overview of Jacob Ragsdale, who will be helping me review video games I haven’t played yet. Email me at mmh4n2@umsystem.edu if you have any games you would like to see featured here. Enjoy!

Gamertag: Orangecat17 Favorite Game Console: Switch Oldest Game Played: Original Super Mario Bros Other Fandoms: MCU, Harry Potter, Star Wars

Favorite game: “There’s way too many, but it would probably have to be Smash.”

How many game consoles have you had?

“That depends are you counting all the 3DS’s I’ve had?

Because I’ve had the original, the 3DS LX, and the new 3DS LX.” Me: You’ve had all the 3DS’s?

“Yea, but not the 2DS, those were lame. I saw the original trailer for the brick looking 2DS and I though it was a joke, like a fake trailer. Anyways, I’ve owned 10 different consoles, but currently I only own five. The Wii U and the 3DS are hacked, don’t write that though.

I’ve also owned a Nintendo 64.”

“Oh, do you wanna see my video game nerd books?”

Me: Oh, I guess so, babe.

“I have these two Zelda books, this one for Smash, and a few art books for Final Fantasy and Xenoblade.”

If you had to guess, how many stickers do you have on display right now?

“150” How many posters do you have on display? “about 100” What’s your top three favorite video game fandoms: “Zelda, Smash, and Kingdom Heart. If you would have asked me eight years ago it would be Sonic. They haven’t made a good game in nine years.

If you could meet one video game character, who would it be and why?

“Not Link because he would probably just yell ‘Hi-yah!’ at me. So probably Nathan Drake.”

Me: Who the hell is that?

“Nathan Drake? From Uncharted? Basically he lives my fantasy ;) if you know what I mean.

Name a game that if, I (your girlfriend), didn’t know about it would be a deal breaker?

“Babe, I wouldn’t stop loving you if you didn’t know about a game, but probably Zelda.”

Me: But, I didn’t know that much about Zelda…

“Shhh you knew enough…”

The winner of Brain Stew’s 17th annual Amateur Photoshop Contest is…

SUE CARSTENSEN (aka Ed’s wife!)

This year’s winner of the Pabst Blue Ribbon ribbon was chosen in a 4-1 vote by our panel of guest judges. This annual contest rewards the person who creates an altered picture that is so seamless that our judges mistake it for a real photo. Anyone with professional graphic design experience is banned from the contest. Want to enter next year’s contest? Send your submission to Brainstew@umsl.edu. The winner receives a Pabst Blue Ribbon ribbon and however much Pabst is in Sammy and Fratty B’s fridge when the contest ends. Sue should contact Sammy to collect seven Pabst tall boys, left over from the homecoming queen canned food drive.

“This is a humbling experience,” said Sue. “You like me! You really like me!”

Title: Holly and Ed McCloskey Defend Their Home at 420 Weed Lane

Judge’s comments: JB Carroll (aka Holly’s husband): I had no idea this was fake. It bothered me a lot, actually. See the way her hand is on his arm? Not a fan. Glad this was just some amazing Photoshop skills.

Ed Munn Sanchez: Are you sure it’s fake? I feel like this was the entire summer for Holly and me.

Patricia McCloskey: It’s like looking into a mirror!

Mark “Ed” McCloskey: I almost voted fake because this other Ed’s left boob is a bit bigger than mine, but it’s a subtle difference, at best, and it could just be the way he’s holding that gun.

The Hamburgler: Robble robble! I knew this was fake. Robble robble. Why are people always Photoshopping women’s heads onto my body. Robble robble. First it was that white privilege chick. Robble robble. Now this other white privilege chick. Robble robble. Also, I wear a hat, god damnit! Robble robble robble! Robble!

This is the second Brain Stew contest victory for Sue, who also won Brain Stew’s “Show Us Your 420 Contest” last year for her picture of their old house on 420 Weed Lane in South Carolina. See BS 2019-20, Issue 7, page 17, to read more: https://issuu.com/pierrelacledehonorscollege/docs/bs__fs19__issue_7

BEST OF SUMMER! Did you quit reading Brain Stew this summer?

You missed a lot of high quality content, including eight weeks of everyone’s favorite part of BS, the back cover. Uh, we mean The Understew! Please enjoy some of the responses that the editorial staff were particularly fond of.

If Ed gets the flu, isn’t it always the Spanish Flu?

Ha, ha, ha. You idiots need some new material.

Yes, I was born in Spain.

Your jokes are as fresh as Bob Hope, and that dude is dead.

What do you think about Microsoft possibly buying Tik Tok? I do not care. American mints are vastly inferior to European mints. Mentos and Altoids are the only acceptable mints. Ricola is okay as well, I suppose, but I still do not like the Swiss.

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt! Ha! That’s classic. An oldy but a goody. Keep up the good work!

Let’s play 2 truths and a lie, summer vacation themed.

Are you worried about reports that the quarantine is resulting in higher rates of domestic violence, but lower reporting rates?

No. No, I am not.

And neither is my husband. Why do you keep staring at him? I told you, he fell funny.

Are you nervous about teaching in-person this fall?

1. I read Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.

2. I voted against Medicaid expansion in Missouri.

3. Uh, it’s going to take a second to think up a lie. Can you come back to me in like ten minutes?

Nope! I’ve got a flask of hydroxychloroquine in one pocket, and an enema filled with bleach in the other. My medical alert bracelet spells out clearly which orifice gets which, in case anyone gets confused.

HEY YOU! SUBMIT TO BRAIN STEW! brainstew@umsl. edu

Culver’s Custard with Claire is my fantastic, extremely biased, and sometimes shitty take on every Flavor of the Day the Culver’s chain of restaurants has to offer America (in alphabetical order). This time we’re on flavors 1 & 2.

I personally have never bothered to try this flavor, as I despise mint and all it’s toothpaste-y glory. If you like mint, you’re probably a toothpaste factory worker. Either way, this Flavor of the Day is crafted with Mint custard then has some Andes Candies shoved in there along with “novelty” chocolate (fancy people term for chocolate that hardens when cooled). If you like Andes Candies, then you’ll probably like this cup of minty shit.

This is one of Culver’s newest Flavors of the Day and was introduced in 2019. Being the Culver’s junkie that I am, I had to give it a try (since it isn’t gross mint). To make it, Culver’s blended blackberries and cinnamon granola pieces into vanilla custard. Overall, this flavor would have been good had they chosen to 1) make it chocolate and 2) not added in the granola crumble pieces. If you’re into granola that’s fine, but I think adding it into ice cream is just an excuse to make yourself look healthier. If I wanted to be healthy, I wouldn’t be having a dish load of custard.

By Monica and Jacob

What Mask You Should Wear to Class Based On Your Star Sign

By Lauren Huebner (someone who knows nothing about astrology)

Capricorn: Disposable surgical mask Capricorns, you seem like the most basic star sign so you get the most basic mask. I applaud your commitment to public health.

Aquarius: Survivor style scarf thing Aquarius, the not quite a bandana, not quite an infinity scarf thing that they give to all the contestants on CBS’s Survivor is the face covering for you! Congratulations!

Pisces: N95 Pisces, you seem to be a worrier, so you tend to go the extra mile and will procure an N-95 mask. Wow! Aries: No mask Aries, you are bold. You will turn heads and catch glances with this bold statement! You know maybe on second thought you should reconsider your choices.

Taurus: Shirt over your nose Taurus, you tend to be continually late and forgetful. In this fashion you seem to always forget your face covering at home! This quick fix will keep you covered in a pinch!

Gemini: Double mask Gemini, your star sign has 2 faces, so you get 2 masks.

Unfortunately, you are not Professor Quirrell and only have 1

face so you’ll have to wear them both at once.

Cancer: Face shield Cancer, you are independent while also considerate. This full-face shield matches your personality perfectly! Now show off that smile!

Leo: Bandana Leo, your bandana face covering will perfectly match the bandana you are wearing as a shirt! Have fun you crazy summer babies.

Scorpio: Plague doctor mask Scorpio, you were born during spooky season and tend to be really extra. This mask will make the statement you are looking for.

Sagittarius: Custom Star Wars mask that covers your whole head Yes, I really saw someone wearing this out.

Sagittarius why are you like this.

Virgo: Homemade cloth mask Virgo, you sip your lavender tea from a handmade mug in the morning while you sew your custom cloth facemask. Your creativity can blossom through this craft project!

Libra: Fruit net “mask” Libra, I read that you are an air sign and boy will you be getting lots of air with this mask! The material for this mask is the netting that oranges come in! If you really try you could eat them without removing this mask.

Or just wear a CDC approved face covering, keep a 6-foot distance, and wash your damn hands. Please.

WEAR A MASK! WE NEED CONCERTS BACK!!

Do your part and wear a mask! I haven’t been to a concert in 6 months! Yes, you read that right! 6 MONTHS! I’m alive, but barely. Concerts are a major part of my personality and there’s now a concert-shaped hole in my heart. If you also depend on concerts as a source of serotonin and as a personality trait, then join me and do your part to bring them back! Soon we’ll be right back there at the barricade singing our hearts out! *if you don’t enjoy concerts, this PSA still applies to you because trust me, you don’t want to anger a bunch of concertstarved college students…

Rising artist: The artist being featured as this issue’s rising artist is Blanks. 23-year old Simon de Wit (aka “Blanks”) certainly is a rising artist. Over the years he has gained a YouTube following due to his music. Simon creates his songs completely on his own. He writes the lyrics, sings, plays all the instruments, and edits/produces. It truly is amazing what he’s able to produce by himself. Under the name “Blanks,” he creates fun, catchy bops that are certain to get stuck in your head. Songs I would recommend are “Dance Alone,” “Sweaters,” and “Seaside.” Oh, and that catchy, upbeat version of “Better Now” that you have stuck in your head from TikTok? That’s his too! Blanks is talented when it comes to creating his own music and giving new life to existing songs.

New music you don’t want to miss: “Fairbanks, Alaska” – The Front Bottoms “you!” – LANY “Watching You” – NIGHT TRAVELER “7 Summers” – Morgan Wallen “Rager teenager!” – Troye Sivan “Moments/Tides” – Goth Babe “Favorite Nightmare” – Blanks “Love This Way” – Saint Raymond “Daylight” –Joji feat. Diplo “Places” – THE DRIVER ERA

Small artist spotlight: NIGHT TRAVELER is soon to become your new favorite indie rock group. Adam Fischer and Hunter Glaske are the masterminds behind the timeless hits this band has released thus far. The unique vocals and retro sound truly make NIGHT TRAVELER stand out. After hearing their song “Electric Love,” I was hooked. The music this band is making is special and I’m glad I get to see them grow and progress on their music journey. Other songs of theirs I would recommend are “Put Your Money on Me,” “1984,” and “Burn.”

Small artists you should check out: Winnetka Bowling League- As an indie and alternative music lover, I was delighted to stumble across this talented band. The first song I heard was “Kombucha” and there was no looking back.

Their music is unique and their sound is truly their own. They’ve released driving with the windows down music such as “On The 5,” head boppers like “CVS,” and even soft songs such as “Something In The Air.” I’m excited to see where this band goes and I know they’ll keep surprising me.

90’s Kids- This band has created a retro 90’s pop sound that I can’t get enough of. I actually got the chance to meet the band and they are the sweetest three guys in the world. This little band is going places and I’m so glad to be able to support them from the beginning of their journey. Bops of theirs I would highly recommend are “Champagne,” “Adeline,” and “Slow Motion.” Happy groovin’ and enjoy getting these songs stuck in your head!

PIERRE LACLEDE HONORS CATS Dedicated to Jasmine

You have been reading Brain Stew!

(or looking at the pictures)

What is Brain Stew? Shut up, freshman. Also, Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors

College student body (plus Dan, Jen, Kate, and Ed’s wife) a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. But PLHCSA hasn’t sent us anything to print in a few years. Lazy.

We have been publishing since 1993 or 1991. Records are sketchy. We won the Office of Student Involvement’s awards for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020 when no one could leave their homes, and we were their only source of amusement, besides drugs. We have also won awards from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 and 2018. We’re in the running for another in 2020. Fingers (middle, of course) crossed.

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the

responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content.

Also, just because we’re uncensored doesn’t mean we’re obligated to print everything. Sorry not sorry, racist assholes.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to brainstew@umsl.edu.

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