In contrast, a long-term study of children whose mothers used process praise showed these children were more likely to be confident in preschool and later in primary school. Process praise is informational, giving children feedback on their efforts and strategies in achieving an outcome (“I can see by your puffing how hard you ran in that race”). Person praise tends to be evaluative, often where there is little possibility for change, or only after success (“What a winner!”). SEEKING APPROVAL OR SEEKING IMPROVEMENT? More broadly, constant praise may mean children unconsciously feel they are doing things for adult approval, rather than for themselves. This can work against the development of self-regulation and a healthy sense of identity. Adults who over-praise (particularly evaluative or person-focused praise) may assume children need external rewards to do the right thing. This doesn’t enable children to make good choices on their own. Recent research suggests inflated praise, using words such as “incredible”, “amazing” and “wonderful”, can foster narcissistic traits by causing children to have an unrealistic sense of their own competence. This can lead children to become upset or angry at failure, partly because they perceive their worth to be conditional on meeting adults’ standards. So, counterintuitively, inflated praise can lower self-esteem. THE GENDER QUESTION “Good girl/boy” also raises other issues around gender identity and self-esteem. Research involving adults found men are more likely to see praise as informational (reflecting their competence) whereas women are more likely to see praise as evaluative (implying their need to conform to set ways of behaving).
10 Peninsula Kids – Summer 2024/25
Studies of children that compared boys’ and girls’ responses to praise also found girls tended to respond more negatively to evaluative praise. While some of this research is decades old and done in the United States, it is interesting to think about why this might be, and whether it relates to how we socialise children into gender roles. What kind of unconscious messages are we communicating through our praise? WHAT SHOULD PARENTS BE DOING INSTEAD? Three principles can support a healthy approach to praising kids: 1. Give children realistic feedback about their behaviour or actions. For example, “Well done. I can see you’re trying there with your kicks” as opposed to “Amazing kicking! You’re a superstar!” 2. Focus on children’s own learning or improvement rather than on competing with others For example, “Next time, when you play that piece, how about trying it faster?” rather than “That wasn’t as quick as Sophia can play it”. 3. Use praise that shows children they are valued regardless of what they may or may not do. For example, “Well done! I know you studied every day for this test” as opposed to “You’re Dad’s straight-A angel!” These approaches all support confidence, empathy and resilience in children; qualities we all need in our complex world.
Dr Amanda Niland is an expert in early childhood education from the School of Education and Social Work at the University of Sydney.
