Looking to mingle and booze it up this holiday season? I know I am, so you aren't alone. Here are my recommendations for the best holiday-themed bets by city. Though many events will have come and gone by the time this issue makes it to press, I went ahead and compiled events that you'll still be able to enjoy a bit closer to Christmas. Hopefully you'll enjoy them as much as I enjoyed hearing about them. I wish I could go to them all, but there's only one of me and only one wallet! Tampa: We at OMG! are going to be busy little bees on Friday, December 18. Not only are we hosting an event across the bay in St. Pete (see below), we're also very excited to be co-sponsoring Santa's Not-So-Little Helpers, that same night. This not to be missed holiday themed party will be held at The Honey Pot in Ybor and will feature American Idol finalist Blake Lewis, who will be singing his hits How Many Words, Sad Song and more. The Honey Pot duo, Steve & Steve, and creative staff have really pulled out all the stops to make this a Holiday to remember. After the Honey Pot party blow-out, that same weekend, the excitement continues. As I'm sure you're all well aware by now, OMG! Magazine is also hosting the Inaugural Holiday Extravaganza party on December 20 at 6 p.m. at Streetcar Charlie's in Ybor. A little birdie told me that it's going to be a fierce get-together, with a fashion show courtesy of Reborn Couture in Hyde Park, a special guest appearance by All American Guys models, and last but not least, our wonderful guest of honor, performing live, Bebe Zahara Benet from RuPaul's Drag Race! If you're in the 813, remember 1811 N. 15th, because that's where you need to be. DJ Jeffrey J hottest beats will fill the air inside the event and out on the cafe patio. Contact Jorge Alvarado (email@example.com) to see if VIP Cocktail- hour invites are still available. St. Petersburg: First off is the OMG!-sponsored Cover Boy Contest at Georgieâ€™s Alibi on Friday, December 18 at 9 p.m. Also, sexy shirtless men abound at Detour on Central Avenue for their annual holiday benefit. On December 19, Detour is holding their "Dirty Santa" party, and if you're naughty or nice, you'll all be able to get your photo
taken, free of charge, with Sexy Santa! As this is the time of year to think about others less fortunate, a toy drive is also being coordinated, so please bring a toy if you can; the people working with the Metro Charitiesâ€™ holiday drive will be extremely grateful, not to mention all those children in need! Orlando: Parliament House, with Michael Wanzie hosting and Kelly Richards at the keyboard, will be ringing in the holiday season with a special Holiday Sing-a-Long. If you have a special musical talent, be sure to bring your A-game and lots of holiday cheer! The first 10 performers of the evening get a free drink of their choice. Also, there will be a prize given away that evening for the best holiday attire, so break out the red and green and look your best! Later on there will be a drawing for a holiday gift basket valued at $200. There is no cost to attend and have a great time! The event starts at 6 p.m. on December 18. Key West: The hotties at the Bourbon St. Pub on Duval Street know how to party, and they definitely didn't overlook Christmastime. On December 20, they will be hosting a reindeer-themed tea dance, with radio personality Rude Girl officiating. If you can't make it to that, then come on out to Christmas Karaoke, which will be in the main bar on Christmas Eve. It's hard not to keep in the holiday spirit with Santa's helpers dancing on the bar! Toss a few back, sing some carols, and find out exactly which part of Rudolph shines so bright. South Florida: Mona's Cocktail Lounge, a dependable and friendly mainstay in Ft. Lauderdale, is sponsoring a light show cruise. On December 19, partygoers will be able to watch a special holiday-themed light show on the Intracoastal Waterway. $40 per person will buy you food from a buffet and any kind of liquor at the open bar, even the top-shelf goodies. To make sure you'll be going, go to Mona's and sign up with them. You need to pay in advance, and the boat will be leaving at 7 p.m. Happy boating!
Well itâ€™s definitely been an interesting time for the gay community and politics. Weâ€™ve just learned that here in Tampa, local attorney Vincent Pawlowski, owner of the Ybor Resort & Spa, has announced his candidacy for the District 5 (Ybor) City Council seat in 2011. A Web site will be announced shortly for campaign volunteers, so stay tuned. Here are some highlights from around the country. African-American lesbian wins Atlanta election runoff After a tense runoff, Simone Bell won a seat in the Georgia House of Representatives, making her the first AfricanAmerican lesbian to serve in a state legislature. Bell was sworn in as the newest representative for Fulton and DeKalb Counties in metro Atlanta after she received 56 percent of the vote over her challenger, Asha Jackson. A Detroit native, Bell has lived in metro Atlanta since attending Agnes Scott College in Decatur. Before taking her seat at the Georgia State Capitol, she worked as a community organizer for the Southern offices of Lambda Legal (a gay-rights organization). Bell now joins Karla Drenner in the House, who, before Bell's election, was the only sitting lesbian in the legislature. Latin Americaâ€™s first gay marriage put on hold The first same-sex marriage in Latin America was not to be, just yet. A judge filed an injunction to stop the marriage of two men in Buenos Aires, Argentina, Alex Freyre and Jose Maria di Bello, which was planned for December 1 to commemorate World AIDS Day. On November 10, another judge, Gabriela Seijas, ruled that Argentina's ban on same-sex marriage was illegal, paving the way for Freyre and di Bello's plans to cement the ruling in practice. The injunction allows the Supreme Court to review the original ruling, which is expected to be upheld. Whether it be in 2009 or 2010, these two men are almost certain to be wed. The district of Buenos Aires, along with three other Argentine states, already allow civil unions. D.C. City Council approves same-sex marriage The District of Columbia is expected to become the newest jurisdiction in the country to allow same-sex marriage. After discussion, the legislation passed the Washington, D.C. City Council by a vote of 11 to 2. The bill must go through a Congressional review as the federal government administers the District of Columbia, although Congress is not expected to modify the bill in any way. After a final confirmation vote, Adrian Fenty, the city's mayor, will sign the bill into law, as he had already promised. The District of Columbia will join four states (Vermont, Massachusetts, Iowa and Connecticut) which have same-sex marriage legislation. New Hampshire's law will come into effect on January 1.
New York Senate rejects gay marriage The New York State Senate rejected a vote to pass same-sex marriage into law on December 2. The move startled proponents of the bill as it came after a full year of lobbying by gay rights groups, and a surprising turn to appease more conservative electorates. All Republican senators in attendance voted against the bill, as well as eight Democrats, including four first-term senators afraid of losing their seats in moderate districts. New York's largest gay rights group went on record as saying that the senators who voted against the bill could "face repercussions," such as a concentrated effort to get them unseated come next election cycle. A recently released Marist College poll shows that 51 percent of New Yorkers support gay marriage while 42 percent do not. OMG 12
You’ve probably seen the bell ringers outside of every retail store this December. Maybe you’ve dropped some spare change or a few dollars into the bucket. This year, consider taking the time to donate your time or money to a cause you really care about. Do Some Research Where does your spare change end up when you drop it in a bucket outside of the grocery store? Take a moment to look up the organizations. Some groups and religious organizations operate with a highly conservative agenda. The Salvation Army, for example, has been continually criticized for supporting anti-gay politics. Volunteer Instead of donating money, consider giving your time. Look into local LGBT organizations and outreach for at-risk teens. Contact local nursing homes to see if they need volunteers to help with meals or simply to spend time with seniors who don’t have family around. Donate Goods You don’t have to donate cash to make a difference. Children’s hospitals and Christmas organizations are always in need of new, unwrapped toys. Animal shelters will take old sweaters, towels and blankets for cat and dog cages. Food drives need non-perishable items and canned goods. Give Charitable Gifts Donate in a loved one’s name or make gift purchases at shops that donate a percentage of proceeds to a cause you care about. Just be aware that sometimes those proceeds aren’t as significant as you’d think. For example, it’s been reported that Product Red spends more money advertising its campaign than it does actually donating money for HIV/AIDS relief and research. Write a Check Can you spare the price of a few drinks or give up a night out? Even $10 can make a difference. Spend some time online looking into charities and organizations that matter to you. A monetary gift can let you participate in a fight you care about, whether you’re fighting AIDS, cancer, bullying or hunger. Support National and Local Organizations Human Rights Campaign (HRC) www.hrc.org American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) www.aclu.org Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) www.pflag.org Lambda Legal www.lambdalegal.org
National Center for Transgender Equality www.transequality.org
The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Community Center of Central Florida (The Center) www.glbcc.org
Mass Equality www.massequality.org
Orlando Youth Alliance www.orlandoyouthalliance.org
Equality Florida www.eqfl.org
Tampa Bay Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence www.flsisters.org
Pride Community Center of North Central Florida www.gainesvillepride.org
The Gay and Lesbian Community Center of Key West www.glcckeywest.org
Metro Charities (of Tampa and St. Pete) www.metrocharities.org
The Gay and Lesbian Community Center of South Florida www.glccsf.org
'Tis the season. It's a season of giving. Especially in our community, nearly everyone can identify with rejection. Not the simple kind of rejection from a random guy at a club, or from a new job, but from family and friends. Being true to ourselves means burning at least one bridge from someone who simply could not or would not accept us for who we are. All of us strive to be better people day by day, and the holidays are a crucial time to show poise and selflessness when perhaps it would not be considered any other time. Now it's time to start a new trend; not only should it be the season of giving, it should also be the season of forgiving. As some people make the trip home to celebrate with loved ones, we should not forget that we have made our own "family," and not to forget others who may not be welcome in their own biological families. If you are blessed with supportive families, extend a helping hand to someone who may be spending this time of year alone. By the same token, if you are in the position to spend it alone, make peace and forgive your family for their weaknesses and negative impact on your life. So many of us in the community are very brash, with larger than life personalities and egos to match. "Why should I forgive my dad? He turned his back on me when I needed him most." The power of forgiveness shows that you really are the better person, something you may have known all along but never had the chance to put into practice.
It's as simple as writing a letter. Write a letter to yourself, but as if you were addressing it to a relative who wronged you. Voice all of your anger and your hostilities, and your hopes for the future. At the bottom, write, "I love you, and I forgive you." Then sign it and put the letter away. Rip it up if you have to. At least then, you have forgiven in your heart and learned that if the bridge is completely burned out, itâ€™s now time for rebuilding. You may never speak to that family member again, but you can move on to a purer place in your own life, and that kind of energy radiates onto every new person you meet. Again, if you come from a situation where you may not have received heartbreak or rejection over your sexuality, then you should consider yourself thankful. We have come a long way in the LGBT movement, but we still have a very long way to go. Your role this season is to be compassionate, to show empathy ... to be giving to those who are forgiving. I know you all will do just fine. Have a blessed holiday.
WRITTEN BY MIKE HALTERMAN
"The bill is haunting us ... if this passes we will have to leave the country." Uganda, a former British protectorate in sub-Saharan Africa, has a collective national instability that has bred such political turmoil as the brutal dictatorship of Idi Amin, and the events that have transpired under the presidency of the current officeholder, Yoweri Museveni, who has been in power for 23 years. However, recently Uganda received its sternest rebuke in decades, after a member of the Ugandan Parliament put forth a bill tightening Uganda's already-strict laws against homosexuals. The new bill would call for the death penalty for many segments of the LGBT community in Uganda, including HIV-positive people and people who have been convicted under the current anti-homosexuality law. Under the current law, claiming one is homosexual is not considered a crime, although it will lead to harassment and unwanted meddling in people's affairs by police. Promoting homosexuality is illegal and can be punishable by either a fine or three years in prison. The strongest penalty is for "carnal intercourse against the force of nature," which carries a life sentence. However, a conviction requires proof of the act occurring, such as a video or photographs, and relatively few people reach such an end. The new bill will ban things currently legal under Ugandan law and make the current laws more stringent, including the aforementioned introduction of capital punishment. World leaders have roundly condemned the proposed law. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown privately voiced his displeasure to President Museveni, who went on record as stating, "We believe that homosexuality is not a common value for the Commonwealth." Canada, another member of the Commonwealth, made sure to drive the point home more publicly during a Commonwealth summit last month in Trinidad and Tobago.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who ironically voted against same-sex marriage while a minority leader in the Canadian Parliament, directly addressed Ugandans by "[indicating] Canada's deep concern, strong opposition of the fact we deplore these kinds of measures," he said in a meeting with reporters. "We find them inconsistent with, frankly, I think any reasonable understanding of human rights, and I was very clear on that with the president of Uganda." The U.S. has also joined in opposing the bill, but has yet to deliver such high level remarks. According to the BBC, the gay population in Uganda is estimated to be at 500,000 in a country of more than 30 million. In a disconcerting turn, a Pew Global Attitudes Project survey found that 96 percent of Ugandans believed that homosexuality should be rejected by society. Nearly unanimous, the response was one of the highest in the world against gays. What this means for the community in Uganda is that there are few, if any, people willing to speak up for them inside their borders, and that the law will most likely pass Parliament with little to no opposition. Though the Swedish government has suggested it will stop giving $50 million per year in humanitarian aid, the Ugandan Minister for Ethics and Integrity said it was a scare tactic and wonâ€™t compromise their mission to pass the law. Frank Mugisha, chairman of Sexual Minorities Uganda, told British newspaper The Guardian, "The bill is haunting us ... if this passes we will have to leave the country."
A FASHIONABLE HOLIDAY COCKTAIL
WRITTEN BY JORGE ALVARADO
The Holidays are here, and I know that your calendars are just jam-packed with so many glamorous holiday-themed events, parties that you have been invited to and those you are choosing to crash. Then there are the obligatory work functions with your co-workers, and since your company is picking up the tab, you have no choice but to be there along with Negative Nancy, Chatty Kathy and Do Nothing Donna. It would be so much easier if you were able to just cash out on those events.
Now for the food part. Let me reiterate that this is a cocktail party, so you don't need to serve dinner, but you do need to have some hors d'oeuvres for your guests. Fruit and cheese kabobs are quick, easy and no mess. Pick up some pita bread, cut it into triangles and serve it with hummus. Healthy! Bruschetta is another party favorite. Pick up a baguette from Panera, slice and bake in the oven. No need to chop up the tomatoes, just purchase some fresh salsa from the grocery store.
Oh, and then there is all the shopping you still have to do for your family, friends and for the new person you just met that, regardless of any advice that you ask for or are given, you will overspend on anyway just to make an impression. Now the clock is ticking, your whole world, along with your head, is spinning and stress levels are at an all-time high. You still want to throw a fabulous cocktail at your humble abode, but you don't think you can pull it off. Sisters, I got your back on this one.
As far as drinks, have a supply of bottled water, and instead of stocking the bar, choose a signature cocktail theme. If you choose martinis, I suggest having three options. Traditional = Dirty Martini, Sophisticated = Cosmopolitan, Decadent = Chocolate Martini. If you choose wine, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio is an elegant balance. If you are feeling bubbly, champagne is perfect but surprise your guests by adding some peach schnapps it.
Pick a night where you know you donâ€™t have to be anywhere, at least before 11 p.m., that way you can still enjoy the rest of the evening with the gang should you decide to take the party elsewhere. Once you have determined the date, draw up your guest list. Depending on the square footage of your home, I would keep it to about 10, no more than 20. Remember, the more people you invite, the more dramatic and expensive this cocktail hour (or hours) can become. Use Evite for the invitations, follow up with a phone call, and actually speak with the person. If not, leave a voice mail; these are supposed to be your closest friends, so avoid texting.
Excellent. Now, just put your iPods on shuffle and you are ready. Wait, how could I forget? What are you going to wear? I say style your hair neatly, throw on your hottest pair of jeans, and polish your black shoes. Choose a solid-colored, V-neck sweater or a form-fitted, solid-colored T-shirt with a sports coat and youâ€™re ready to receive your guests. I can't wait to receive your last-minute invitations! Happy Holidays and may the fierce be with you during your perfect holiday cocktail!
OK, time for decorating. Believe it or not, not all gay men have the decorating gene, so here are some fast decorating tips that don't even involve glitter. Take pictures or art down from your walls, wrap them so they look like gifts, and hang them back up. Now run outside and grab the empty wine bottles out of the recycling bin and spraypaint them red, white, gold, silver or whatever color suits the holiday you celebrate. Jam a candle into the top of the bottle and, voila, your centerpiece done! Tie ribbons around your lampshade and, here is something fun, hang ornaments from your chandeliers! I'm feeling it! OMG 27
Most of us think of presents when we hear the phrase, “‘Tis the season for giving” during the Christmas holidays. And, yes, it’s nice to give gifts to those you love. But, what about giving to people you don’t even know… underprivileged children, the elderly or disabled, animals in shelters?
Combining volunteer work with children and exercise can make a lasting impression, and can be a great opportunity for you to get your exercise as well.
“‘Tis the season for giving” can also mean giving of your time. Volunteering for different organizations is a great way to give to those who are in need this season and all year round. It’s also a great way to feel good, and yes, since this is a fitness column … it’s a great way to get exercise.
Another way to volunteer and get exercise is working with a food bank. In many cases, you are carrying bags of food several yards to load them for delivery and then unloading them at someone’s home. Imagine spending four hours or so walking back and forth or up and down steps, carrying heavy grocery bags, bending over, putting them into carts or vehicles. At the same time, you’re meeting families who truly are thankful for your giving. It’s a great way to give back to the community and get a great workout at the same time.
What better way to participate in exercise than to spend time volunteering with kids at a local organization? Brighten a child’s life by investing your time, while at the same time you both participate in exercise. Contact the local Boys & Girls Clubs to see whether they are in need of volunteers to help with exercise activities.Many Clubs will have relay races, days at the beach, flag football, baseball, etc. that you can help with. You can also spend time as a mentor, encouraging them to partake in exercise programs that they like. Other organizations include the YMCA, Big Brothers Big Sisters, or other athletic associations.
If your love is for animals and you want to get some good exercise, you could volunteer at any local animal shelter as a dog walker. It’s a great way to keep active and help keep a dog healthy and happy. Other ways of helping someone in need and getting a little exercise in is to help an elderly or disabled neighbor. You can mow their yard or clean out their garage. Most of us want this sense of belonging and selfworth and many of us may not have our families close. Volunteering for a cause you care about will give you that feeling of belonging and those you are helping can become your extended family. When we give time to something we care about, we tend to feel better about ourselves. So, volunteering is a great way to give AND receive a gift better than any store-bought present. Chris Alberts Independent ACSM Certified Personal Trainer 727.542.9716 www.SoHoHealthandFitness.com Other locations: Powerhouse Gym, Channelside and Elite Training Center, St. Pete
ey everyone... Welcome back, glad you could make it! So when I got my assignment for this issue, I was a little perplexed on what to chat about. I mean, I used all of my good holiday stuff in the last issue ... So what to discuss? That's when I remembered a discussion that Esme Russell and I had a last week. What is happening to female impersonation in the Bay? This topic came up when Esme, Robyn Demornay and I were reminiscing on our days at Club Chambers. Robyn and I would spend hours decorating the stage and club (if you happen to see Robyn out, ask him about the night we ended up drunk and covered in black paint from head to toe). The cast was excited about putting together productions each week. One of my favorites would have to be two or three Christmases ago when Robyn, Daphne Ferraro and I did the Chipmunk's Christmas Song as The Chipmunks with Esme as our David Seville. It was a riot! As someone who loves this business, it seems that a lot of clubs these days are not interested in providing amazing shows for the audiences. Rather, they are happy to find the entertainers who will work for the lowest amount of money. No budgets for decorations, wardrobes, or dancers. Don't get me wrong, I know times are tough and we are all struggling, but if you want to bring in a bigger audience, make sure you give the audience the best show possible. I remember my first show at Tracks in Tampa (currently Czar) back in 1997. The shows were out of this world. There were six of the most amazing entertainers I had ever seen (Joey Brooks, Esme Russell, Divinity Everlasting, Felicity Lane, Amy Demilo and Stephanie Shippae). OMG 32
Along with the divas was a cast of four back-up dancers in some amazing costumes. They all worked together in two productions per show, and the energy and entertainment value is something I have not seen since. The club was packed to the rafters and it really was something that everyone wanted to be a part of. These days it seems to be everyone for themselves. A lot of club owners seem to not care much about the shows or the entertainers, and they only have them there because they know the audience wants it. They figure you can just throw anyone on stage and call it a show. Hell, this year I was even let go from a club, two days before Thanksgiving, for working at another club. I mean, really??? Where is the love? I and a lot of the entertainers in this area love this art form with all of our hearts, and it is just frustrating to hit a wall every time we turn around. Not that all is lost. There are a lot of things going on that give me hope that all will turn in a more positive direction. There is talk of the "rebirth" of an old, favorite nightspot, along with the opening of Hamburger Mary's in Tampa, that just may provide the stage for the resurgence of drag that is so much needed!
AVOIDING UNWANTED GIFTS
f the many gifts you may receive this holiday season, genital warts are probably far from the top of your Christmas wish list. Whether “naughty or nice,” your seemingly innocent holiday pastimes may get you more than you bargain for, and unfortunately, it doesn’t come with an option to return it. Genital human papillomavirus (HPV) is a common virus. Most sexually active people in the United States will have HPV at some time in their lives. There are more than 40 types of HPV that are passed on during sex. These types can infect the genital areas of men, including the skin on and around the penis or anus. Gay and bisexual men are 17 times more likely to develop anal cancer than heterosexual men. Men and women with weak immune systems, including those infected with HIV, are more likely to develop anal cancer because of changes related to being co-infected with HPV. Those individuals with HIV are also more likely to get severe cases of genital warts that are more difficult to treat. Fortunately, this holiday season brings “comfort and joy” to the gay and lesbian community in the form of a new indication for Gardasil – a protective measure for men. Yes, I said MEN. Much like a De Beers diamond, HPV is forever – so here’s the option for prevention. According to a recent press release from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, there is great news
about the popular vaccine Gardasil for prevention of HPV in boys and men. Gardasil is currently approved for use in girls and women ages 9 through 26, for the prevention of cervical and vaginal cancer and genital warts caused by specific strains of HPV. Until recently, males have not been included in prevention, as the longterm health risks of HPV were not clear. Each year, about 2 out of every 1,000 men in the United States are newly diagnosed with genital warts. Gardasil’s effectiveness was studied in a randomized trial of 4,055 males ages 16 through 26 years old. The results showed that in men who were not infected by HPV types 6 and 11 at the start of the study, Gardasil was over 90 percent effective in preventing genital warts caused by infection with HPV types 6 and 11. According to researchers, “studies were conducted to measure the immune response to the vaccine in boys ages 9 through 15. The results showed that the immune response was as good as that found in the 16 through 26 years age group, indicating that the vaccine should have similar effectiveness.” For those interested, approach your healthcare provider to discuss screening for HPV and your individual risk factors that may influence your care plan. If you receive the injection, you should know that Gardasil is given as a three injection series over a 6-month period.
Headache, fever and pain at the injection site, itching, redness, swelling and bruising were the most common side effects observed. These typically resolve with the use of Tylenol or ibuprofen. For more information, e-mail Doctordan@omgmag.com and consult your personal healthcare provider. My advice is to man-up, bear it and find your favorite male nurse to give it to you – the vaccine that is. Make sure that the only thing you’re spreading this season is holiday cheer!
INTERNATIONAL DJ BROUGHT HIS WORLD-CLASS SOUND TO TAMPA
“It’s always fun. Obviously it has changed a little bit, but I remember back in the late 80s/early 90s, the gay community, they were the upfront people when it came down to dance music.” Veteran DJ and icon of the dance scene, Paul van Dyk (aka Matthias Paul) has definitely been one who’s kept with the times, ensuring his music stays fresh and relevant. Having sold millions of records worldwide, and with a Grammy nomination under his belt, Paul remains one of the world’s leading electronic dance music DJs. For those fortunate enough to have attended his recent performance at The Kennedy in Tampa, you’d have experienced his magic in person (check out impressions/ photos on the following page). We had the chance to speak with the successful artist about what brought him to Tampa and how technology continues to have an impact in his career. How did you feel about coming to Florida to perform in Tampa? The previous times I’ve been to Tampa [were] always great, so when there was an offer of coming back to Tampa, obviously it was appreciated and taken. How did you get into a career in music? Did your upbringing in a divided Germany play a role? Well, I grew up in East Berlin, so for me it was alright because I could listen to Western radio stations, which was illegal but I did it and all my friends did it. This is basically how I learned about the music in the West before the [Berlin] Wall went
down. When the Wall went down, I went to all the clubs that I’d heard of before and really got into the whole clubbing scene in Berlin. At the same time, there was like only one style of music being played in Berlin, it was really one-dimensional. I knew from [the radio] that there’s so much more out there, so I started looking for those records and started to make mixtapes for myself and some friends. So one of my friends actually passed one of the tapes on to a promoter and this is how I got my first gig back in March 1991 … then one thing came to another, and it developed. How did you get your stage name? Basically it’s a little Scrabble mix up of my mother’s maiden name. Having so much experience in the industry, how has technology influenced your career? Well I think everybody who’s in electronic music has been influenced by the way our technology develops. If you go back to the beginnings, there wouldn’t be the distinctive bass drums without the famous 909 drum machine from Roland, as well as the whole [house] movement wouldn’t even exist without the [Roland] 303 … as an example, while I’m on stage I have two computers on stage … [and one] is full of software synthesizers. So I could never have 23 different synthesizers on stage, and I couldn’t play them at the same time. With the modern technology, I can. With the setup that I have on stage, I’m absolutely capable of doing all that. This is something that obviously has influenced the way I make music, and
also the way I play music. In the beginning, I played vinyl records, then I started using CDs and now I’m basically performing – it’s more live than DJing. It’s the perfect combination for me between DJing, producing, remixing and making music at the same time – live [and] influenced by the audience. I think this is something very special that, again, wouldn’t be possible without the development of the technology we have today. How do you balance remixing songs and producing them? Is there a system to it? No, not at all. I treat them very equally. I treat a Madonna song that I remix with the same passionate power I do when I actually produce one of my own songs. I think this is also the reason why I’m still around. I’m never really taking it easy; I’m always giving the 100 percent possible. There is no balance between how many remakes, how many own tracks and stuff like that. It’s pretty much down to the timing, you know, in terms of touring and all the other things I do. Can you describe your relationship with the gay community? Would you agree that music and dance can connect people from different backgrounds?
PAUL VAN DYK’S TOP TEN 1. SCOT PROJECT - F2 SPRING TIME RMX - DRUCK 2. FILO & PERI - ASHLEY ALEX M.O.R.P.H. - VANDIT 3. GIUSEPPE OTTAVIANI - FALLEN - VANDIT 4. DAVID FORBES - BREAKOUT DARKER MIX - LIQUID 5. WAY OUT WEST - ONLY LOVE JEROME ISMA-AE RMX - HOPE 6. PAUL VAN DYK - HOME - PVD CLUB MIX - VANDIT 7. ORLA FEENEY - COMIC STRIP VANDIT 8.MATHIAS FAINT - KETAZORD DUB TECH 9. FILO & PERI - AMP'D UP - VANDIT 10. PAUL VAN DYK - WE ARE ONE - VANDIT
Absolutely, I mean electronic music and the dance scene actually connect people. This is something, obviously, that … really unites people. At the same time, if it comes down to my connection with the gay scene, I have a lot of friends that are gay. I’m also on the board of members of the anti-AIDS trust in Berlin, and … we have a gay night on Sunday in a club called Weekend, and I play there on sort of a regular basis. It’s always fun. Obviously it has changed a little bit, but I remember back in the late 80s/early 90s, the gay community, they were the upfront people when it came down to dance music.
Hey Yawl! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Islamic New Year and more! As the holidays come full circle, take a little time to reflect on the past year and ponder, “how the hell did I survive 2009!?” With the stock market going under, a new, lackluster administration, the economic recession, the housing market dropping, Fox News, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera … somehow, you did it! Call me an optimist, but I feel 2010 will be better, why? Because I just got off the phone with Miss Cleo (who is still incarcerated in federal prison for fraud), and she tells me that her tarot cards predict wealth and prosperity for the entire next year (lol). Who really knows, but by the grace of God we’re all a little wiser and better prepared to weather any storm that may come our way, and trust me, there will be storms. So hanker down yawl, 2010 is coming in like Hurricane Katrina: fast, furious, and the government won’t give a damn! You may ask, “Miss Darcel, are there any good predictions for 2010?” Yes, Oprah will leave daytime TV and launch her own television network where she’ll make another billion dollars. Tiger Woods will finally confess that he had an affair with a certain big old fat black bitch that lives and works at a popular gay resort in Orlando. And finally, we’ll have health care with a government option that will piss off the private insurance companies so much that Fox News talk show host Glenn Beck throws his hat into the presidential race of 2012. Oh yea, one other positive prediction, I finally reach my weight loss goal! Happy New Year, Yawl! Finally, I want to bring something to your attention that really pissed me off. I recently learned that one of my Orlando transgendered sisters was openly discriminated against while applying for a job at McDonald’s. From The Huffington Post:
A transgendered woman claims that she was denied a job at McDonald's and told "we do not hire faggots," according to a lawsuit filed by the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund (TLDEF) with the Florida Commission on Human Relations. Seventeen-year-old Zikerria Bellamy applied online for a position as a shift manager or crew leader at an Orlando McDonald's. When she went in for the interview on July 28, Bellamy says a manager forced her to check a box indicating her gender. "Once I looked at his facial expression, when I checked off male, like the whole face just changed. He was upset. I seen the anger, you know, like you can tell when someone gets upset," Bellamy said. She said she was told she would not be granted an interview and received an angry, hateful voice mail from the manager later in the day. "You went to [indistinguishable] McDonald's today," the message says. "It doesn't matter how many times you go down there. You will not get hired. We do not hire faggots. You lied to me. You told me you was a woman. And then you lied to me. You told me you were seventeen. I can't believe you. You're a lying brother. How could you ever lie to me?" it continues. "I just wanted to earn some money and was willing to work hard at this job. In the current economy, jobs are really hard to find. I never expected to be judged on who I am, instead of being judged on whether I can do the job," Bellamy said. Since the story broke, the manager has be fired and McDonald’s has since apologized, but I wonder what kind of an owner or corporate office would promote such a person into a position of authority with ideals that clearly put his job and company in jeopardy, humm? It’s easy to sweep this under the carpet, but I know my Orlando peeps, they will not let McDonald’s corporation off the hook so easily. I smell a lawsuit! To read and hear the manager’s voice mail, log on to: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/07/orlando-mcdonalds-manager_n_383051.html. Happy Holidays…Ms Darcel.
ell, what can I say? My first ever White Party Week was a complete blast. First off, I hadn’t been to Miami in about a year and a half, so it was amazing to be back in one of my favorite cities. On top of that, there were countless, gorgeous gay men attending amazing parties until the sun came up. A little intense at times, it was totally worth the week of recovery that followed. With amazing DJs, killer venues and a great cause, CareResource truly made the 25th Anniversary of the White Party something to remember.
A traditional day of rest, Sunday was anything but. The Muscle Beach Party on South Beach was pretty much what it sounds like – a bunch of muscle dudes, daddies, twinks and the like partying on the beach to the sounds of DJs Oren Nizri & Chris Cox. The outdoor, mostly daytime setting was a nice change from the massive, dark clubs the two nights before. After an impressive fireworks display over the ocean, the boys were ready to keep it moving onto the next destination, Noche Blanca at Dolce Ultra Lounge.
After checking into the comfortable Majestic hotel on Ocean Drive, the gang got ready and headed to Club Space for our first event of the weekend, White Dreams. Featuring DJs Chus & Ceballos, as well as DJ Kidd Madonny, the place was absolutely packed. Laser lights dazzled over the crowd as pulsing beats kept us moving into the next day, which involved a whole lot of sleep as we prepared to head to the 25th Annual White Party at the lovely Vizcaya Museum & Gardens.
We arrived late at the venue and were surprised to find it a little dead frankly. However, we hung around for a few hours and were immersed in a riveting drag performance, as well as the amazing beats of one of my favorite DJs, Yinon Yahel. There’s just something about his music that energizes and makes me move like no other – I had a ball. A couple of drinks and Red Bulls later, we ended up at the aptly titled White Horizons at Nocturnal Nightclub, which didn’t open until 6:00 a.m. The morning turned into a blur of booze, boys and sick beats provided by DJ Abel.
Awash in a sea of dazzling, crisp white and silver clothes, outfits, feathers, headdresses and other ornamentation, Vizcaya came to life in a grand, classy way. Featuring the wonderful ladies of Exposé and the stimulating sounds of DJ Tony Moran, the event was a lavish success and paved the way for the next event of the night, White Starz at Parkwest Nightclub. With DJ Paulo setting the stage, DJ Alyson Calagna brought down the house with her signature, eclectic, hypnotic sounds. With so much room to move around, we were taken on journey that lasted until 8 a.m.
Though the rest of the day involved hangovers, exhaustion and an arduous trip back home, it was all totally worth it.
“Music is my life since I can remember.”
longtime collaborator of world-famous DJ Offer Nissim, Yinon Yahel is quickly making a name for himself in the DJ and dance music worlds. Having worked with artists such as Ashanti, Deborah Cox, Kristine W and Amber, Yinon is bringing his signature sound Stateside, and you better be ready. Fresh from performing at Noche Blanca during Miami’s White Party, Yinon took some time to answer a few of our burning questions.
Who are some of your influences?
First off, how did you enjoy playing at the White Party in Miami? I had a great time!
When I met Offer, he was looking to team up to boost his career. I'm not sure if he knew where he was headed and neither do I, at least at the beginning. It was before his rise as a solo artist after dealing with Dana International for years behind the scenes, and back then he was still a local DJ … Now after seven years working together, I can definitely say that we both have influence on each other, and with Maya Simantov we created a new sound, even a new genre which I am very proud of. I believe it’s a blessing the three of us met and brought so much light and inspiration to each other. Beyond the music, Offer showed me a whole different world and a different perspective on life, which contributes a lot to who I am these days.
I love Miami. Since I landed, I got good vibes even though I was still wasted from the night before at Splash NYC. I wore my white sunglasses, regained my super-high energies, got into the White Party spirit and rock'n'rolled. You just can’t not enjoy Miami. How often do you play in the States? With a hectic schedule of spinning, producing and doing collaborations with Maya Simantov, Offer Nissim and many other mainstream artists from Israel and outside of it, I try to come as much as I can. I will visit Miami again at Score this January and am planning to come as much as possible. I will update my schedule at MySpace or Facebook. Can you briefly tell me how you got into dance music and interested in DJing? Music is my life since I can remember. As a pianist, I got exposed to the world of synths and sequencers; I explored the sounds and was inspired to create music on my own. Even though I started as a classical pianist and got into a rock band, pop and dance always moved me and always were a part of me, so here I am. After getting such an amazing response from fans around the world regarding my work and many requests to perform as a DJ, I just had to start to do it :)
I adore Mariah Carey; she is definitely my favorite female vocalist alongside Maya Simantov. Britney's sound and production are out of this world. Obviously, there are much more artists from the past and present, but … we'll need a whole magazine for that. What role has Offer Nissim played in your career?
How is it working with vocal collaborator Maya Simantov? Sometimes we meet in the studio, but mostly I send her instrumental tracks, she writes and records herself in her own studio and then sends me the vocal tracks to produce them. She is super talented, so it’s pretty easy. How would you describe the dance scene in Israel? Israel is a great place with hot weather and very emotional people that love to party. If you are after high energy and intensive parties, this is the right place for you. Who are some of the artists you’ve worked with or remixed for? Any dream collaborations?
I produced the title song for Ashanti's latest album [“The Declaration”] with the legendary hit maker Seven. I’ve remixed Deborah Cox, Amber, Christina Aguilera and many more. As far as future dream collaborations, I just want to keep doing my thing in the best way to get better. Any artist who can thrill me and make me feel butterflies could work for me. Many people might be surprised to hear you’ve worked with mainstream artists like Cassie, Donnie Klang, Danity Kane and Ashanti. What other mainstream plans do you have in the works? At the moment, I’m focusing on Offer Nissim featuring Maya’s upcoming album and on my own album. I’ve got a few mainstream artists in Israel such as Sarit Hadad that Offer and I already worked with, which I committed to work for. But as soon as those projects are done, I'm ready for the next step. I’ve got lots of offers but not enough time … time will tell. Any plans for a solo album? It’s still in the process, but I hope it will be done in the next couple of months. I’m working hard for it in between all the projects.
For more information, join Yinon’s Facebook fan page and check him out at: www.yinonyahel.com www.myspace.com/yinonyahel
YINON YAHEL’S TOP TEN 1. YINON YAHEL - NO WAY - ORIGINAL MIX 2. YINON YAHEL - TRUMPET BOY DISTURBIA ORIGINAL MIX 3. OFFER NISSIM FT. MAYA - WISH YOU WERE HERE YINON YAHEL REMIX 4. BINGO PLAYERS VS CHOCOLATE PUMA - DISCO ELECTRIQUE - REVISITED MIX 5. DAVID GUETTA, SEBASTIAN INGROSSO DIRTY SOUTH & JULIE MC - HOW SOON IS NOW ORIGINAL MIX 6. NICK TERRANOVA FT. MARTIN ACCORSI UNDERGROUND - ORIGINAL MIX 7. MADONNA - CELEBRATION - BENNY BENASSI REMIX 8. OFFER NISSIM FT. MAYA - CUANDO - CLUB MIX 9. YINON YAHEL - AROUND - ORIGINAL MIX 10. PAIN & ROSSINI - HANDS UP EVERYBODY 2009 (MAURIZIO GUBELLINI DUB REMIX)
The gay community is intertwined to the dance music scene, including popular circuit parties like Gay Days, White Party, Winter Party and so on. How would you describe your relationship with the community? Mmm ... willingly or not, most of my male friends are wearing high heels, at least at their houses. Those who are not are trying to put me on high heels with no success. In addition to the fact that I spent seven years in the studio, 10 hours a day, with no other than Offer Nissim, which some consider to be the queen of the gay community, I think we are doing fine :)
BASED DJ PROVES THAT THE DANCE FLOOR IS NOT JUST A MAN’S WORLD
n the industry for more than 17 years, Alyson Calagna brings a different perspective to the traditionally male-dominated dance scene. With a style that blends traditional elements, such as jazz, with all different types of house, Alyson has shown that her gender, if anything, only adds to her fresh take on music. After recently dancing along to her mesmerizing beats until 8 a.m. during the White Party, we were thrilled to have the opportunity to pick her brain. How did you enjoy playing at the White Party in Miami? It was great. Our party was really good. I had a great time playing with [DJ] Paulo. Him and I are very good friends, so to be able to play together was just really cool. How did you get into dance music and DJing? When I was like 13/14, really young, I used to be into break dancing and hip-hop dancing. I used to be like this legendary dancer at a club. I got in really close with all the DJs and it just kinda came about, you know, from the dance floor … I think I was about 15 going on 16 when I asked the resident if he would teach me. So we just kinda started hanging out and he started teaching me.
What are some of the pros and cons of being a female in a traditionally male-dominated industry? The pros are that I don’t have to worry about … for the most part they don’t want to sleep with me [laughs] … You know, there’s the whole yin-yang female energy, there’s a different side, a different story, a different feel. A con would be … I am not one of them. I don’t have a six pack, I’m not some hot guy … it’s hard. Thank God now it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be. It’s totally cool to be a girl DJ now. How would you describe your sound? I don’t really fall into a [particular] category. I kind of have it all. I vary into different types of music, like I’m very influenced by … everything that falls under the umbrella of house. Anything from deep house, to tech house, to progressive house … it’s whatever moves me.
Who are some of your influences?
Who would you love to work with, or would be a dream collaboration?
Wow, I mean just music in general. All sorts of music inspires me and has influenced me, from jazz to rock, to old-school hip-hop, to freestyle, to house music, to techno … it’s all across the board. When I started DJing, I wasn’t DJing house music, I was playing break-beat hip-hop and stuff like Afrika Bambaataa and all of that era. It just really progressed; I didn’t play house music until the early 90s. [I’ve been spinning for] 17 years.
Well if it’s a dream collaboration, I would love to stuff with like Miles Davis or something. Have like a real jazz musician and do some really cool, funky house with some great jazz … I love horns. I’m from Louisiana, I’ve lived in New Orleans for some time so I [love] that whole jazz sound … or even to go back to like Mozart [it would be] cool … [but] MJ is my ULTIMATE dream collabo!!!
What are some of your future plans? I have New Year’s Eve in Mexico City … there’s a brand new party called Latin Love Party, and it’s in Puerto Vallerta. It’s like four days … like a Mexican circuit party [and it’s on] Valentine’s [Day] weekend, which should be really cool, so I’m looking forward to that. And then there’s [Miami’s] Winter Party, so some good things are coming up in the first quarter of the season. For more info, check out www.djalysoncalagna.com
“My whole intention as a DJ is to push
the limits … I wanna make people think a little, and not necessarily analyze from the dance floor.” How would you describe your relationship to the gay community? Hmm, I don’t know. It’s been who I’ve been playing for, for such a long time, you know. It’s definitely been my base for the last decade of my career. I mean, boys and dance music – it’s like peanut butter and jelly, they fit perfect together … I have a black gay boy inside of me I think [laughs] … I’m such more of a gay boy than a lesbian [laughs]. You seem to attribute a deeper meaning to your music and the uniting power that music can posses. What are your thoughts?
ALYSON CALAGNA’S TOP TEN 1. AHORA – ALYSON CALAGNA, JOSE SPINNIN FEAT MICAH AND ASH 2. CAN’T SLEEP – MEMENTO, ANITA KELSEY (ALEX KENJI) 3. TRAPPED – PAGANO (DANNY VERDE) 4. BASS MASTER ZORRO – RIKTAM & BANSI (JEROME ISMA AE) 5. EXPRESS YOURSELF – DANNY VERDE (TAITO TIKARA) 6. BARCELONA – TEO MOSS & JEREMY REYES 7. DANCING WITH GRATITUDE – ROSE ROSAE VS PREM REWAT (ALYSON CALAGNA MASH) 8. WANNA BE HAPPY – THE VIRON FEAT MAX’C (MIKLOV DUB) 9. BACKROOM HONEY – SAEED YOUNAN 10. TOUCH ME – KID MASSIVE (BEATCHUGGERS)
I think spirituality is everything. It’s life, it’s air, it’s breath, it’s everything. For me, it’s [an important] part of my journey in life, and my journey in life is music, especially in my career. So of course it comes along with it. There’s such a power in having everybody come together and listen to a DJ, or a rock group, or a jazz concert, or whatever, and when everyone gets together is on that same note, in that same crescendo of the song or the same rhythm. It’s like unification that goes beyond form, really. My whole intention as a DJ is to push the limits … I wanna make people think a little, and not necessarily analyze from the dance floor. I like to get in touch with people to where … [they] leave feeling inspired, to have something … where it’s like “wow, I’ve always wanted to write a children’s book,” or “wow, I really miss my friend from years ago, I need to call them.” Whatever it is that happens on that dance floor – that’s my whole intention, to kind of plant a seed to get them outside of their body for a minute and get connected to whatever they call spiritual. OMG 53
s a native Floridian, I’ve never seen the seasons change. Our trees don’t turn orange. Only a few leaves fall. Our yards get a little sparse, but we don’t see any snow. I’ve learned to recognize changing seasons by the banners that hang in the entrance of Target. Still, once in a while the weather feels wintry. I break out my winter coat and a few scarves. I wear closed-toe shoes for a few weeks. Hell, this year I even bought a pair of slouchy boots (you know, in case we see temperatures lower than 75 in the afternoons at some point this year). Last weekend I brought my son to the Santa Parade in downtown St. Petersburg. The weather was actually pretty chilly and rainy. We both bundled up
and brought chairs to keep our butts off the damp, cold ground. The gray skies and cold wind made it feel more like Christmastime than the fake snow and plastic ice-skating rink did. The Santa Parade has become a little tradition of ours. And I’m so glad that I live in St. Pete, where parades include a healthy mix of Sun Goddesses sitting on the backs of convertibles, Storm Troopers in Santa hats, and scantily clad manelves promoting St. Pete Pride. In fact, this year we enjoyed not one but two mostly all-male color guards. Santa’s Twirlers shimmied and sashayed and I held my son in my arms and cheered. The dads to either side of me shifted around uncomfortably. One said, “I’m going to need a drink after that.”
Instead of getting mad, I clapped harder and danced with my son. It’s the season for giving and love, right? Not the time for turning around and snarking at a dude who isn’t secure enough in his manhood to watch a gay man break it down to Madonna’s “Holiday” (for the record, I’m pretty sure every member of Santa’s Twirlers could kick someone’s ass with those wooden rifles). Maybe winter is a little ass-backwards in Florida, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I string lights up on palm trees, plant a crooked penguin in my yard, try to keep my tree alive in the humidity, and cheer on every man in an elf costume I can lay my eyes on.
Hey OMG! readers, thanks from the bottom of my heart for all your e-mails and questions. But enough about me, lets address a few issues: I picked up your magazine on my last vacation to Orlando, and I’m going to be moving there soon. I was wondering what to do for treatment? –Anonymous, San Juan, Puerto Rico Well darling if you’re in the Orlando area, first things first. You should go to the Orange County Health Department, which can be found on Tampa/Hillsborough County: Hillsborough County Health Department www.hillscountyhealth.org/hiv_aids/ hivaids_main.htm 1105 E. Kennedy Blvd. Tampa, FL 33602 (813) 307-8026 St. Petersburg/Pinellas County: Pinellas County Health Department www.pinellashealth.com/HIVAIDS. asp 205 Martin Luther King St. N St. Petersburg, FL 33701 (727) 824-6900
the Web at www.orchd.com/person alHealth/hiv Here, you can do some research as to what you need to do or have in order to become eligible for services. Now, depending on your income and expenses, you will be put into a category. This category will let you know how much out-of-pocket you will need to pay. The main office is the Central Health Clinic, 832 West Central Blvd., Orlando, FL. It’s a few lights from The Parliament House, and I know we all know where that is, lol. Key West/Monroe County: Monroe County Health Department Gato Building 1100 Simonton Street Key West, FL 33040 (305) 293-7500 Ft. Lauderdale/Broward County: Broward County Health Department browardchd.org/Services/AIDS/ mainaids.htm 780 SW 24th Street Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33315 (954) 467-4779
Once you’ve seen a counselor and you’re eligible, it’s time to meet your doctor and start your treatment. This is the option I took as an individual without personal health insurance. Everyone is different, so I’m just giving you my point of view. Also, anonymous and confidential HIV testing (as well as for other STDs) is available in Room 218 at the Central Health Clinic and is available on a first come, first serve basis. For more information, please call 407-836-2600.
Miami/Miami-Dade County: Miami-Dade County Health Department www.dadehealth.org/hiv/HIVservices.asp 1350 NW 14th St. (Main Complex) Miami, FL 33125 Main number: (305) 324-2400, or call (305) 470-6999 In South Florida, also check out: Care Resource www.careresource.org 3510 Biscayne Boulevard, Ste. 300 (Main Office) Miami, FL 33137 (305) 576-1234
You can also call the Florida HIV/AIDS Hotline: 1-800-FLA-AIDS So, to all my OMG! poz papis and mamis, let’s keep ourselves in the best health, high spirits and keep making the world a brighter place! Until next time, Happy Holidays!
I know that it's coming at this time each year, But the thought of the trip still fills me with fear. For others, Christmas means good tidings and glee, But for me, it's Alabama with my family. Thoughts of escape swim in my head, As I board the plane with my luggage and dread. My debaucherous lifestyle must be put on pause, For it's all family values for ol' Mister Claus. They're not bad people. They're actually quite nice. They're all love and happiness, sugar and spice. But kindness and virtue and all that good will, So wholesome, so hokey. I'm feeling so ill. It's hard going back to a town that's so small. It's lights-out by ten, and there's no alcohol. They don't even have good prescription drugs. Their idea of fun is sugar cookies and hugs. I'll greet dozens of relatives with giant, fake smiles, And search though I may, there's no gay bar for miles. I'll hug and I'll laugh and pray it's soon over, And wonder how anyone can do this shit sober.
They'll ask about life living in the big city, But they think leaving home is an atrocity. Then there's the question: will I ever settle down? Find a wife? Have some kids? Maybe move back to town? They know I'm a queer. Of that, rest assured. But with Jesus and pussy, they're sure I'll be cured. I love them. I miss them. After all, they're my kin. But they simply don't fit in my lifestyle of sin. They'll drag me to church, praying lightning won't strike, And I'll try very hard to act ladylike. We'll sing. We'll chant. We'll do everything but think. God bless you. God loves you. God, I need a drink. I try to embrace all the holiday spirit, But I cringe at Rudolph each time that I hear it. With Christmas comes pressure and guilt trips so huge It's really no wonder why I'm such a scrooge. But it's only one week. Surely I can hold on, Then I'll run back to Florida before my sanity is gone, To my home, to my friends, to my beloved beer, Thankful that I've made it through another year.
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Mar 20 - Apr 19 Usually you take the wrong “life path,” ending in total social suicide, but it’s a path nonetheless. The temper you have is very uncalled for, and in more times than one has ended with an abrupt, but well deserved, punch in the groin.
Sept 22 - Oct 22 Most male Libras are big ol’ nellie bottoms. Don’t be ashamed of your love of toys; they are almost necessary for you to get a good lay.
Apr 20 - May 19 You look good on the outside but rot on the inside due to your 3 a.m. McDonald’s runs. I guess you need something cheap after having your wallet cleaned out by your latest Adam4Adam trick.
Oct 23 - Nov 21 You will gain great success because you don’t let ethics or any type of morals stand in your way. The best way to stop organized crime in America would probably be to export all Scorpios.
May 20 - Jun 20 You’re the best at getting other people to pay your restaurant and bar tabs. That’s something you should probably take to your grave, because, at this point, you’re not really good at too much else. Jun 21 - Jul 21 Most everyone considers you the third wheel and the last option to invite anywhere, but you do get the last laugh because your excellent talent in using people for your own benefit has paid off. They’re chipping in on your welfare checks. Jul 22 - Aug 22 When someone gives you a compliment you think you’re Queen of the World, when in all reality, you’re just the jester of your trailer. Born a chump, always a chump. And for the sake of all mankind, please stop shaving your hair down there into heart shapes. Aug 23 - Sept 21 Making love? That’s what you call sex with any of the random people you get with. Truth be told, they hate where they’re doing it (in your grandparents’ basement) and, above all, they can't stand doing it with someone so selfish in the bed.
Nov 22 - Dec 21 You try and experiment in things you think will make your sex life better, like golden showers, but that always ends with a mysterious rash or a broken nose. Dec 22 - Jan 19 With your super Republican antics and unwillingness to take chances, you become high risk to a very unpleasant, but fair, minority bashing. It seems there have been few Capricorns of importance, unless you count the ones who have been kidnapped, victimized, or Mel Gibson. Prove us wrong, already. Jan 20 - Feb 17 One good thing about you is that you’re liberal. You’re pro-choice, you’re pro-immigration … pretty much pro-anything. The bad thing is that this doesn’t seem to apply to your hygiene or bank account. Get it together. Feb 18 - Mar 19 Your so-called friends describe you as “tolerable.” At work, you take on a dual personality, trying to show that you’re best of the best. However, you can hardly work comfortably because of all the people who make fun of you.
Note: precise dates vary slightly from year to year, and from source to source. These are not meant to be definitive.
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