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Birth of the BACKSTAGE PASS in NKY! TURN IT UP! Local Music CD Reviews “I Swear As God Is My Witness, I THOUGHT TURKEYS COULD FLY…” CORN HOLE KINGS: Meet the ‘Guys’ from NKY Melodi C. Moon with ROCK NEWS Bob the Producer’s HOLIDAY MEMORIES Wildman Walker’s BILLBOARD STUNT!






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ROCK NEWS By Melodi C. Moon Heard twice daily on ClassX Radio


Santana crashed his vehicle into parked cars while on tour in Las Vegas. Santana fell asleep behind the wheel and ended up totaling his pricey Fisker Karma—a very pricey American-made sporty luxury electric car. (How many more adjectives can I use?) Anyway, it seems Santana hit two parked cars before coming to a stop… smooth. Neither Santana nor any bystanders were injured.


Rick Springfield will publish his debut novel entitled Magnificent Vibration this coming Spring. The novel portrays a guy who has hit a dead end in his life, but then receives a “1-800” phone connection directly to God via an inscription in a book. He then turns hero with a chance to save the planet. Magnificent Vibration is described as both funny and deep, and is due out in May.


Early television appearances, music films and rare footage will make up the bulk of the Doors new DVD ‘R-Evolution’. Available as a deluxe edition on December 3rd, it will feature a 40-page book of lyrics and photos. It will feature rare clips of the Doors performing classic songs like ‘L.A. Woman,’ ‘People Are Strange,’ ‘Light My Fire’ and ‘Break on Through’. Background commentary from John Densmore, Robby Krieger and the late Ray Manzarek will run throughout the program. Outtakes from the group’s appearance on ‘Malibu U’ and previously unreleased footage from a 1966 Ford training film will also be included. It has been 40 years since the band’s breakup in 1973.


The Motor City Madman has a live CD/DVD set out now: ‘Ultralive Ballisticrock’ it contains a new song, ‘I Still Believe’ — and Nugent says there’s more coming. He plans to enter the studio in February or March, and says “Your cravings for real, American, rhythm and blues, driven rock ‘n’ roll will be very, very happy when you hear my new songs. I have some killer licks and riffs and powerhouses, and we love the music. We can’t wait to record.”


Badfinger’s 1971 song ‘Baby Blue’ has seen a huge sales surge due to its airplay on the TV show Breaking Bad’s series finale. AMC’s hit show drew an estimated 10.3 million viewers for its series finale in September- more than double the audience for its final 2012 episode. The song aired in the final scene of the Emmy-winning show that has lasted five seasons. Produced by Todd Rundgren, the ballad was the group’s last Top 40 hit, reaching #14 in 1972. Billboard reports that the Badfinger song has experienced a 3000% increase in sales since the episode aired. The track is currently resting in iTunes’ Top 20 song list. This is a bittersweet success here for Badfinger, a band that suffered from financial mismanagement and saw its two main songwriters kill themselves over issues linked to royalty payments. 88.9/89.1 FM • WWW.CLASSXRADIO.COM • THE NEW BREED OF ROCK


By Jessica Milo (Andi Capers)

30 miles from Cincinnati and tucked away just to the North East, is Lebanon, Ohio, a small town in Warren County. It is home to nearly 20,000 people and Ohio’s oldest Inn, the Golden Lamb, established in 1815. Many famous visitors have stopped by including 12 seated presidents, 2 presidential candidates, along with famous guests from as far away as England. Charles Dickens author of the famous “A Christmas Carol” and Prime Minister Lord Stanley. Authors Mark Twain (Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer) and Harriet Beecher Stowe (Uncle Tom’s Cabin) where here, too. The Golden Lamb, is owned by State Senator Rob Portman’s family.


It did not surprise the citizens of this town when Hollywood producers and location scouts visited the town back in the late 1970s for the movie Harper Valley PTA, staring Barbara Eden (I Dream of Jeannie), released in 1978. It was filmed at the Berry Middle School. Then again in the summer of 1993 when Melanie Griffith and Ed Harris came to town with the Hollywood production crew to film Milk Money, shot at the town’s famous Ice Cream Parlor on the main street of Lebanon. There were other stars born here, too. In the spring of 1978 Hollywood actor Woody Harrleson graduated from Lebanon High School. Country band singer Marty Roe of Diamond Rio grew up in here. Marty’s parents live in their home in Lebanon. In September 2013 Hallmark started looking for the perfect location to film their newest edition to Holiday Classics movies. The team of location scouts came to Lebanon because of its small town USA feel. They deemed it perfect for The Christmas Spirit, their new movie project. Next step was to cast some


locals for extras. The Christmas Spirit is lead by an all star cast with the lead role played by Desperate Housewives actress Nicollette Sheridan. Also starring is Bret Johnson of Disney’s High School Musical series fame and Olympia Dukakis (Moonstruck). Other actors I’ve met that have landed roles are talented child actor, Tristan (Superman Returns) and Radek Lord. The film will be produced by Alex Coscas(The Expendables) and directed and written by Jack Angelo. The Christmas Spirit is a film about a a reporter named Charlotte who comes home during the holiday season to the Small-town they call Laurel Springs. A greedy real estate developer, (Johnson), wants to change the town. Charlotte gets into a horrible car accident putting her in a coma and waking up as a spirit. She meets a fellow spirit who is Daniel who was also in the accident. As the story progresses, Charlotte fights for the town she loves to try to stop some that would change the small town forever. Can Charlotte and Daniel run against the ticking clock, when no one can see or hear them? It’s a must see for everyone. Invite your family over this Holiday season and tune into the Hallmark Channel and get into the Christmas Spirit.




By Wildman Listen to him exclusively Monday–Thursday 3–6 PM, Fridays 4–6 PM on ClassX Radio, 88.9 & 89.1 FM.

My 61 day stay on a Billboard, yes 61 days, until the Bengals won their first game! Bengals Cornerback, Eric Thomas blocking a field goal attempt by the Browns, Matt Stover. With no time remaining, finally the Bengals win 23-21. My Billboard stunt (still to this day, the greatest on-air promotion in the history of WEBN) came about from a simple wager with a then Jacor owned rock radio station Disc Jockey in Denver, Colorado. If the Bengals beat the Broncos on Sunday September 1, 1991, the Denver Jock goes up on a Billboard until the Broncos win their first game. However, If the Broncos beat the Bengals, Wildman goes up on a Billboard until the Bengals win their first game. Guess What? The Broncos routed the Bengals 4514. I lost! I faced the consequences and made my way to the Billboard the afternoon of Tuesday September 3rd, 1991 at the corner of 8th and Broadway facing



I-71 south bound and confident I would only be up there for 3 nights. NOT! I stayed up there, the bye week included, 61 days (a Guinness World Record)! Thinking about it 22 years later, the 61 days I spent on the Billboard turned out to be, at the time, the Bengals worst season ever (3+13), the best bet I ever made. If I had a dollar for everyone that has asked me since, “how many days did you spend on the Billboard, ” I would be driving a Rolls-Royce. I wish all those who were allowed to climb up the ladder to visit me had signed a guest book and had been filmed with a video camera because this was Cincinnati history in the making. Bengals offensive lineman, Bruce Kozerski, Joe Walter, safety David Fulcher, Cincinnati Mayor David Mann, Cyclones defenseman Dallas Eakins and WLWT’s news reporter Lisa Cooney, are a few of the braves souls I remember who climbed up the ladder and squeezed through the little opening on the roof to visit me. What a hoot it was watching the big and burly Koz and Walter come through that small hole in the roof. I stuck to my game plan from day one to wake up at my usual time of 5:30 AM to prepare my sports reports on the WEBN Dawn Patrol. Once my duties were finished, I had a lot of free time to answer phone calls from news outlets in England and Australia, read the paper, watch Andy Griffith and always take a nap until my 5:50 Happy Hour Sports Report. My nights during the week? When not talking to a legion of listeners who came to the Billboard to see if I was really up there, I watched what sports I could find on a fuzzy TV. The reception there was horrible. My Fridays and Saturdays on the Billboard were spent playing poker with my friends until 5 AM drinking lots of free ice cold beer. This was just one of my many perks for this famous stunt. I am not ashamed to admit I

ate like a king on the Billboard. I had a list of Jacor clients that included LaRosa’s, Arbys, Montgomery Inn and Lumpys Sports Bar where I could order anything I want and they would deliver it with a climb of the ladder or I would lower a bucket down to get my chow. I will never forget starting on September 4th, 1991. Every Wednesday a lady from Mortons of Chicago would climb the ladder in her high heels with a full steak dinner for me and whoever was there at the time, served on fine China. When I came down from the Billboard after 61 days I must have had some 20 plates and supreme steak knives from Mortons of Chicago. On Bengals game day (and there were 8 of them while I was on the Billboard), I thought every Sunday and the Monday night game the Bengals would win, only to watch them lose in ways that had me thinking they were doing it on purpose to keep me up there all season long.

WILDMAN, you are free!” Who-Dey! I will never forget the Bengals/Bills Monday night game where Jim Kelly was picked off 4 times in the first half, the Bengals scored all three points on 4 Kelly interceptions and lost ugly, and I mean ugly 35-16. My best memory is from Sunday November 3rd, 1991 when Browns kicker Matt Stover lined up to kick what could be a game winning field goal. My long time friend Greg Thomas says to me “they are going to block it, they are going to block it” and holy cow, Eric Thomas runs in untouched to block Stover’s kick, the ball then bouncing around for a few seconds until linebacker Carl Zander fell on it. Bengals win 23-21! I was then knocked to the floor and smothered by a pile of happy Bengals fans (why someone did not snap a picture of that,

I don’t know). I could hear a sea of noise making its way from the Riverfront Stadium to the Billboard to celebrate the Bengals first win of the year. It was a sight to behold! Bengals fans yelling “Wildman, you are free!” Who-Dey! The Cincinnati Fire Department showed up with its hook and ladder truck offering to help me come on down. I declined, because I wanted to do one last show from the Billboard on Monday morning (a little known fact, until now). I did come down a little later that evening after the crowd went on their merry way to take my only shower. It was a long one, after 61 days of sponge baths. That Monday morning I finally climbed down the ladder and I immediately dropped to my knees and kissed the ground rolling around and around. There is no trace, I am sorry to say, of my 61 day stay on the Billboard. The building at the corner of 8th and Broadway was torn down a few years ago. My new home is now ClassX radio at 88.9 FM in Cincinnati and 89.1 FM in Northern Kentucky where I can be heard Monday through Thursday from 3-6 PM and on Fridays from 4-6 PM. I suggested to station owner, Bill Spry, that perhaps ClassX does a massive campaign to finish WEBN’s work to have the City of Cincinnati to place a historical public monument of some kind there. After all, the mayor at the time, David Mann, gave me the key to the city. I might have to bend the ear of the new Mayor, soon. The only two things I still have from my Billboard stunt 22 yrs ago is the historic WEBN neon sign which I want to sell for $250 and a piece of the Billboard which WEBN sold to listeners with the money going to charity. I’ve lost track of how many I signed all the same “61 days Wildman, WEBN”. I have been asked many times, “would I do it again, go up on a billboard until the Bengals win a game, or the Reds win 3 in a row.” My answer, a big NO! Been there done that.





The ASPCA gives a definition of “a large scale commercial dog breeding operation where profit is given priority over the well being of the dogs.” (“Laws That Protect Dogs in Puppy Mills”. ASPCA.)

By Angie Moore

PARKER’S PET PROJECT Parker set up at Boone County’s Pawapalooza September, 2013.

Meet Parker. Parker is a 7 year old boy who has a heart of gold. For his 7th birthday, he was more concerned about collecting donations for the shelter animals than he was receiving presents for himself. He thought it would be neat if people brought donations for the shelter animals instead of presents for himself.


Parker’s Pet Project began in 2013 after a trip to a local animal shelter. He decided that he wanted to help the animals in the shelter. Parker’s project right now focuses on collecting donations, food, toys and any animal related supplies to donate to different animal shelters. Parker’s Pet Project also has t-shirts for sale to help raise funds for the animals. Please check out Parker’s Facebook page and “like” and share it to show your support. If you would like more information on Parker’s Pet Project or would like to make a donation, please email at


There is not a lot of coverage or publicity when it comes to “puppy mills.” I have been told on more than one occasion that “we want a puppy that we can train from the very beginning and know where the dog comes from.” Just because you are getting a puppy from a breeder does not mean that you are getting a healthy, well bred dog. Not always, however most of the time if you buy a dog from a pet store, or a breeder insists that they meet you in a parking lot somewhere, that is a good indication that you are buying a “puppy mill” dog. If you decide to get a dog from a breeder, there are a few things you should keep in mind: • ALWAYS go to the breeding location to check out the dogs living situation. •

ALWAYS ask to meet the mom and dad. Just because the breeder shows you papers that the dog is a “purebred” dog, means absolutely nothing.

ALWAYS ask to see vet records for the puppy as well as the adult dogs. You want to make sure that the dogs are receiving proper veterinary care.

Too many dogs are being over bred and not properly cared for from backyard breeders and puppy mills. If you must buy a dog from a breeder, do your homework!

• You are saving a life.

Princess Belle is approximately 5 years old, microchipped, spayed, heartworm negative, current on vaccines, house broken and crate trained. She is a sweet pittie that loves all people. She is currently looking for a place to call “home.” She has had a rough start to her life as she came from 2 different cruelty and neglect situations. She has been failed by humans all of her life and Paws & Claws Animal Rescue, Inc. is not going to allow her to be failed by humans again. Even with her let down’s, she doesn’t hold that against her foster family or anyone that she meets. She adores all people. Princess Belle would do best in a home with no other animals, so she can receive the love, attention and spoiling that she deserves.

• You have a large selection to choose from. All ages, breeds, mixes and personalities to choose from.

If you are interested in Princess Belle, please contact 859-250-9396 or email

To learn more about Paws & Claws Animal Rescue Inc, please visit

The other option is adopting a dog from a rescue or animal shelter. According to the Humane Society of the United States, approximately 2.7 million adoptable animals were euthanized in 2012. ( pet_overpopulation/facts/pet_ ownership_statistics.html) There are many benefits when you adopt a dog from an animal shelter or rescue group: • You are supporting the rescue/shelter by opening up a spot to help other homeless dogs.

You will save a lot of money by adopting a dog. Most dogs at rescues and shelters are already spayed/neutered, current on vaccines and dewormed.




By Jim Shoe The backstage pass, the holy grail of rock concerts, has grown up and moved out into the world. No longer confined to murky hallways and rear stage doors, today’s printed access passes are sleek, color filled, and are as likely to be found at pro sporting events and network award shows as at a concert facility. Dave Otto agreed, “I would say that today’s access passes are as collectable and as sought after as an autograph ever was”. Otto would know; he has been in the printing business since he was 14 years old. Today he runs OTTO Printing & Entertainment Graphics, a full service printing company serving the needs of companies and recording artists worldwide. In 1974 OTTO Printing introduced the world’s first satin cloth backstage pass; known in the industry as the ‘stickie’. “Well I was working security at these different concert venues and back in those days, if there was an ID tag it was just those little “Hello My Name Is” kind of things, and there was no real security or too many restrictions about people going back stage where the artists were,” Otto reminiscenced. Then in early 1978, Boston released their second album, Don’t Look Back. “That album cover was so beautiful and from a printers point-of-view, was just a dream to play around with,” Otto said, “So I get the itinerary for the US leg of this massive Boston tour, and I see that they will be in Cincinnati with Sammy Hagar that October; so that night I sat down and created a whole series of access passes to take to Tom Schultz”. The rest as they say is history! Otto had broken down all the varied elements of concert access; pre-show/ after show meet and greet, media, photo, caterer, sound, band, VIP, and All Access laminates, along with a media board for the passes to be mounted on, so that security staff could have a show reference check. “I used that album cover and just had fun laying out all my ideas of how to control access and take away a lot of the stress from a performance, “Otto said. Boston’s man-incharge, Tom Shultz, loved it all and authorized the passes to be created for the remainder of the tour. 12


“That really opened the door for our stickies to be used in ways no one had ever done before,” Otto said. As Boston toured the world; record labels, concert venues, industry insiders and other recording artists all saw firsthand this new and innovative concept, and wanted in! Over 30 years later, OTTO Printing continues to be the pioneer for the touring industry’s ticketing and credential systems. As counterfeiters have become more prevalent and band security a bigger concern, their ‘aheadof-the-curve’ innovations have helped artists and promoters maintain security. “Our badges first and foremost have to be great looking,” Otto said, “And we are always designing new ways to thwart counterfeiters”. An OTTO pass will have features that knockoffs can never get right, such as the OTTO name and company information on the peel away backing and a small OTTO embossing subtly placed throughout the face of the pass. “I am very proud of our newest laminate that has a three dimensional artist graphic right in the face,” Otto beamed. The process of creating these special badges is complicated and patent protected and the passes are amazing to behold. “Right!” Otto continued, “The first act we designed these for was Tom Petty. His manger had ordered 300 for the whole tour

as an All Access laminate without Tom’s knowledge. The first night the band gets one handed to them and just goes crazy with excitement, and by the second date, had handed them all out as souvenirs!” OTTO Printing has always prided them-selves on how quickly they can turn an order, and Petty quickly had more of the new design rushed out for the remainder of the tour, albeit with a different color ink for the wording. “I thought I would go ahead and change the second order up slightly, making the first 300 really something special,” Otto revealed, “ I saw one on EBay recently with a starting price of $500.” As the company’s fame and reputation has grown, big success has followed, yet the family business has not forgotten what got them there. After Hurricane Sandy devastated the east coast a year ago, the music industry threw a concert to raise funds for disaster relief. The phone on Dave’s desk rang with the promoter reaching out to request that OTTO handle the backstage pass system and would he consider donating his services. “I didn’t even stop to think about it, I just said yes, “Otto said. It turned out to be the single largest charity request in the companies’ history. On December 3rd. 2012 the orders came in via email…for 3,000 passes! The company had to create two different sets of passes including, 1,000 sound check badges, 300 All Access laminates, and 150 each of badges for the 11 artists that were set to

perform! “It cost us $25,000, but we did it, and we had them designed, approved and manufactured all in enough time to ship them up to New York by December 10th” Otto said. It is Otto’s commitment to on-going research and development so that his company can provide the ultimate in security, image, and quality that have fueled their growth. There are now offices in Nashville and Los Angeles, and OTTO badges are used by ESPN, VH1, MTV and the WWF, just to name a few of their high profile clients. “We do have big stars as our clients, but first and foremost I have printing in my DNA, “ Otto said, “ We gladly fill orders for anything that needs printing from everyday business cards and company letterheads, to wedding invitations, to even luggage tags’! It seems as if there was a gentleman who was all set to travel but asked if OTTO could create a set of small,

tough, laminated tags for his bags, “Took us one day from design to having him stop in to pick 25 of them up,” Otto said. So if someone wanted to have you design a party invitation, OTTO Printing would be interested? “Yes,” Otto enthusiastically replied, “We have fun creating birthday, bachelor party and wedding invitation that have a genuine rock and roll feel. A lot of local bands and venues let us help them; we just did the wrist band system MIDPOINT MUSIC used, we are always ready, willing and able to get involved, they just have to visit our web page or pick up the phone and call, and make sure people understand that no order is too small!” Otto’s Office is located in Dayton, Kentucky, on the Ohio River, overlooking downtown Cincinnati. To receive VIP rock star treatment on your next print order, visit Otto’s at or call them at (859) 291-7700.

THE OTTO FILE OTTO Printing & Entertainment Graphics 200 Clark Street Dayton, Kentucky USA 41074 Hours of Operation: Monday–Friday 8:30 AM–5 PM

OTTO FIRSTS First to print full color on satin stickie passes

OTTO EXCLUSIVES Only Holographic Badge in the Industry

First to hot-stamp

Full Color Ruff N Tuff™ Wristbands

First Holographic Passes

First to custom-specify a satin cloth stock First to die-cut shapes

First American rock band passes taken behind the former Iron Curtain

3 Dimensional Bubble Badges






Have you ever heard of the ‘Cincinnati Lights’? A two minute video with this title was a YouTube sensation just a couple of years ago. On a Friday evening, a man using his cell phone videoed a series of mysterious lights that appeared to be flying in formation over the Westside. While those lights were eventually revealed to be skydivers dropping in on the LaSalle Lancers Homecoming game; the mysterious lights that flash periodically in Covington are in fact from an actual spaceship! Since 1987, the

silver disc-shaped

home has perched on Wright Street, clearly visible to commuters as they cross over the top of the Brent Spence Bridge. Back in 1969, the world was in kumbaya-mode, between the summer of love in the West, Woodstock in the East and a hero from Wapakoneta Ohio walking on the surface of the Moon. The spacerace was on with the entire world obsessing over all things spacebased. On the radio, The Bonzo Dog Band had a Paul McCartney assisted one-hit wonder called,

I’m the Urban Spaceman. In the toy

stores, Major Matt Mason topped Christmas wish lists, and on the home front, Finnish architect Matti Suuronen’s UFO shaped house, The Futuro, was greeted with great excitement.

Suuronen’s design reflected the optimism of that time. People believed technology would become the key to easing their day to day struggles. The space-age promised to usher in a new era of global peace, love, and understanding; complete with flying cars, jet-paks, and microwave meals all designed to increase a family’s leisure time. The Futuro was envisioned as a get-a-way home for the middle class, through the revolutionary use of a new product called plastic. Mr. McGuire: I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Benjamin:

Yes, sir.

Mr. McGuire: Are you listening? Benjamin:

Yes, I am.

Mr. McGuire: Plastics. Benjamin:

Exactly how do you mean?

Mr. McGuire: There’s a great future in plastics. Think about it. Will you think about it?

Constructed entirely out of reinforced plastic The Futuro came completely furnished and could sleep 8. Through mass-production, it was touted as a way to end the global housing crisis. Because the 16 panels were so easy to assemble and also light-weight, it was marketed as being easily transportable by helicopter. Mobile living became a new possibility for the future. It was predicted that families would soon take their moveable home with them wherever they desired and live like modern nomads on the country’s beaches, mountains, and parks (opening up the possibility for another Griswold Vacation movie?). Companies were formed and plans were laid for the start of this new wave of housing, then the oil crisis of 1973 hit. Overnight the price of plastic raised production costs too high to be profitable. Only 96 Futuros were actually manufactured. Besides 20 made in Suuronen’s native Finland, only a few dozen more were manufactured abroad on license. There were slight variations of The Futuro house depending on where and for what purpose they were designed to fulfill. Four were assembled with only eight windows as a security precaution, for use as banks in American shopping malls. An American company, The Futuro Corporation, had high hopes for a saucer craze only to crash and burn due to the increased costs. By 1975, The Futuro as a home was met with tepid reception from an increasingly disillusioned public. Some municipalities even went so far as to enact bans using zoning regulations against their placement, banks became reluctant to offer financing, and others that had been placed were vandalized. Customers who had committed to a purchase and then backed out forfeited a non-refundable $1000 deposit (equal to $5,260 today). Time has not been kind to those that were managed to be built. A Futuro house in Delaware was destroyed to make way for a double-wide mobile

-1967 film The GraduateFutur 88.9/89.1 FM • WWW.CLASSXRADIO.COM • THE NEW BREED OF ROCK


home. In 1999 the city of Tampa ordered a Futuro demolished. It is estimated that today only around 50 of the original 96 Futuro homes survive with less than 20 of these being Stateside. The prototype (serial number 000) is in the collection of a Museum in Rotterdam, The Netherlands. Enter the spaceship on the hill in Covington Kentucky. Rob Wetzel of Northern Kentucky had seen the home featured in a 1973 issue of Family Circle magazine and had an idea that he could turn it into a draw for his construction business. “So the first thing I do is go see Bob Hart, because I thought maybe he would let me show it at his Home Show. I wanted to see how much he would charge for the damn thing, because it’s over 28 feet round. Well he took one look and said it was in,” revealed Wetzel, “then he floored me when he asked me, how much I was going to charge him to show it”! A deal for $4,000 was struck and Hart began to place ads about the unique attraction that would be revealed at his show. Having secured a way to showcase The Futuro, Wetzel was left with only one other small problem, “I had to get one,” he laughed. He formed I.F.O. (Identified Flying Object) Promotions and set out to meet Len Frockner from New Jersey. “He was the point man in the States if you wanted one,” Wetzel said, “I call him to tell him I was interested and he says well come on up and we’ll go drinking, and if I like you at the end of the night, I might sell you one, so I said, I can do that…and I took off to Jersey”. Frockner was in the banking business with City Federal Savings, and had been trying to find a way to get the banks he was placing in shopping centers open quicker than the two-year turn around the traditional brick and mortar units took. He saw The Futuro and acquired the rights to construct them on the East coast by agreeing to buy the mold and enough of the resin material needed to build eight units. “He had built four and had placed two (Woodbridge Mall and Willingboro Shopping Center) and was offering kids a $1.00 space-account to entice people to use them when I first met him,” Wetzel revealed, “But he had gotten drunk and was disgusted with them (space-banks) and had decided to burn all the extra material and break the molds by the time I got up there.” If you ever have the opportunity to relax with Rob Wetzel and his lifelong friends, dubbed the Cabana-Crew (more on them later), you quickly realize that Frockner liking him was never in doubt. “So he only has two left, because he burned up the other four; and he sells me a yellow one,” Wetzel continued. After some semi-major modifications, which included adding a second hatchway door and cutting in two more windows, the Futuro was ready for the Hart

Productions Home Show and for .50 cents you could take a tour of the inside. How popular was it as an attraction? “In the nine days of the show, we made $4,000 more” Wetzel said. After the show, Wetzel took the spaceship to the area’s newest shopping attraction at that time, the New Northgate Mall, where for a few weeks more, he continued to offer the 50 cent tours. Eventually Wetzel returned to the New Jersey shoreline, where he placed it on the Atlantic City boardwalk and then displayed it at various home shows in the New York area, until he brought it back to Northern Kentucky in the mid-Eighties. He eventually relocated the Futuro to 224 Wright Street where it remains to this day. “I thought I might let people rent it out and even designed a brochure, but whenever I let someone use it, they would invite all their friends and trash it, so I just said forget it,” Wetzel said. Wetzel’s friends, Steve Groh, Leo Stamm and Van Kenny are the CabanaCrew and have helped design the renovations that have not only enabled the unique house to survive, but actually make it truly one-of-a-kind, even among the remaining nineteen Futuros left in the United States. The original Futuro design had only one entrance and twenty windows. The New Jersey mold was designed with eight windows. Wetzel’s friends helped to add the second hatch and cut in two

Inside the Futuro bedroom.

Rob Wetzel relaxing inside the Futuro House.



more windows among their many other renovations. The extra door and windows mean that Wetzel’s Futuro is truly one of-a-kind. The Cabana-Crew constructed a steel-piered deck, large enough to comfortably hold 200, complete with built-in seating and a (heated) cabana bar with neon lit palm trees off the hillside; offering incredible views into Cincinnati and downtown Covington. The friends also designed an ingenious system to heat the water lines that are situated below the bottom of the ship to keep them from freezing during the winter. “When it would start to get cold, we had to winterize the lines just like in an RV, so no running water or toilets till it warmed back up” revealed Wetzel.

polyester/plastic exterior exterior colors to order; white, blue, yellow or red height 4 meters (12 feet) diameter 8 meters (26 feet) weight 4000 kilos (8818 pounds)

floor space 25 square meters (560 sq feet) 20 oval shaped windows retractable stairs aircraft style entrance 6 bed-seats plus one double bed-seat central fire place and bbq grill kitchen complete with new micro-wave oven bathroom with shower and flush toilet

The Cabana-Crew has met at the ship two nights a week, for over thirty years, to sit on the deck and sip Kentucky Tavern bourbon! In that time, they have installed a challenging game involving a hook and line (the hooky game) and also have hidden water lines to keep the plants that line all the deck rails, fresh. Their plans for a motorized zip-line through the trees that surround the property, compete with tree-bar stop halfway through the tour, are as innovative as the solutions they have come up with for the toll bridge issue, the cut-in-thehill traffic, and the Northern Kentucky drug abuse problem. Facebook is filled with people who claim to have partied in the space-ship and according to Wetzel some just might just be true. “I let a friend rent the place for over five years, Glen the Flower Man, and when we would all come over for our weekly meetings (yes, the Cabana-Crew met even then) I know we would run into lots of people I never knew”. During the Glass Menageries (Willie’s Sports bar) hey-day, a common pick-up line was to offer to escort someone up the hill to take a ride on the spaceship. For years it has been rumored that infrared surveillance cameras discreetly installed over the deck captured those late night shenanigans, causing some local TV, radio, and sports celebrities, among many others, fits of discomposure. “Oh man,” laughed Wetzel, “That is the first I heard about that…I never saw any cameras, or watched any tapes either, but if anyone would do it, I guess it might have been Glen Roses. He was a character”. For over two decades the ‘Covington Futuro’ was considered lost by enthusiasts and did not appear on any websites. In 1999 a geo-cacher used the Internet to learn about a possible location for the missing unit and came to town specifically to find it. His online posting of the coordinates (39°5’17.39”N 84°31’35.16”W) opened the floodgates to other Futuro fans, who began

View of the skyline from the deck.



making the pilgrimage to have their photo taken in front of the home. Google images is filled with strangers posing in front of the ‘Covington Kentucky spaceship.’ The late night visitors and daytime curiosity seekers forced Wetzel to erect an eight foot high, locked privacy fence, around the entire property, effectively closing off all access. The ‘Covington UFO’ has been immortalized as a part of the city’s Millennium Mosaic Project. Artist Olivia Gude created a series of ceramic and glass tile mosaics of key city landmarks. The UFO on the hill is clearly depicted in one of her works. The mosaics can be viewed at 6th and Madison, just across from the Madison Theater. “The city has come full circle,” mused Wetzel, “They fought me hard back in 1987, but I guess now they like having it here. Mayor Carran mailed me a nice official letter last spring acknowledging how important a historic marker it has become.”

Most are in agreement that the spaceship adds a little excitement and civic pride to the region. City Beat Magazine recently named Wetzel’s unique home as a must see stop in their annual Best-Of issue, and Covington’s Mayor further acknowledged the unique attraction by issuing this;

NOW THEREFORE, I, Sherry Carran Mayor of the City of Covington, Kenton County, Kentucky, by virtue of the authority vested in me and on behalf of its Commission, do hereby proclaim Saturday, November 2, 2013, as: FUTURO HOUSE DAY” in the City of Covington and the site of the Futuro House is unofficially dubbed “Area 89.” Katie Meyer is Covington’s Renaissance Manager. Among the tours her office can offer is one named The Unexpected Covington Tour. Guests receive a complimentary audio player pre-loaded with tour information and highlights. The Futuro is always the first stop. Covington’s housing department maintains a file on the house. It contains a flier entitled The Futuro: Vacation Home of the Future.

Other Futuro houses still exist today with two notable examples being one perched atop a Tampa Florida strip club (2001 Space Odyssey) where customers are promised an out of this world experience. The other is in Carlisle Ohio where two Futuros have been connected via a walkthrough tunnel forming the ultimate in cool comfort. Playboy magazine in their September 1970 issue had a three page spread dedicated to Hefner’s personal Futuro, calling it the ultimate bachelor’s pad. A Futuro was used as the setting for a 1970s Sci-Fi porn production entitled Porn Goddesses of Galaxia: Futuro House, about two alien women capturing a male earthling for their pleasure! A documentary about the home,  Futuro - a New Stance for Tomorrow,  by Finnish director Mika Taanila was released in 1998 and a book entitled, New Futuro - The House of Tomorrow by Joe King regularly sells for over $50 whenever it happens to appear on EBay. Interested in discovering more?The web has many sites and photographs; here are two of the more accurate listings! w w w. f a c e b o o k . c o m / p a g e s / The-FUTURO-House/

Millennium Mosaic Project



“We just work harder than [other teams] and are willing to do what they won’t,” said senior defensive lineman Nathan Merkle of the dedication of the team. “We are a good team and continuously win.” The mindset of “taking no days off” has led the Birds to this “winning tradition,” proven by 22 overall state championships, including six straight since 2007.

By Editor-in-Chief Laura Bunning,

Highland High School senior Travelling south across the Ohio River, one finds a city of about 17,000 people called Fort Thomas. It’s a typical suburban town with quaint shops and family-owned businesses. One thing that sets this little city apart though, is its nationally-known high school football team: the Highlands Bluebirds.

“Every day, each person is trying to get better, which improves the whole team,” said senior quarterback Drew Houliston, whose spectacular season has brought him into the talks of winning Mr. Kentucky Football this year. Houliston adds that the hard work pays off. “When you get the taste of winning, you never want to get the taste of not winning again.” “You play a sport because you want to win,” Coach Dale Mueller commented. “It’s fun to be a part of it all.” Mueller, who has become a legend in the Fort Thomas community, celebrated his 300th career win over John Hardin High

School in Elizabethtown, Kentucky, on September 14. The Birds are also helped by intangibles, players pointed out. “There really is a brotherhood on this team,” said junior receiver Jensen Feggins of the family atmosphere of the team, as players often spend more time with teammates than their real families. Feggins adds that Bluebird fans are a huge part of the success of the team, always coming out to games to support their school in crazy themes like white-out, as seen on the Birds’ win over University Christian of Florida on ESPN-U in August. Fort Thomas may be a typical suburban town, but its claim to fame is most definitely its football team, with a tradition of excellence and players’ commitment of bettering themselves each and every day. As the Highlands Bluebirds march on the road to yet another state championship this year, all eyes of the city are on them…just the way they like it. So the Bluebirds Tradition continues!



The Holiday season is once again upon us. If Thanksgiving at your house is a Rock-n-Roll kind of day, leaning more toward Wild Turkey than a stuffed turkey with trimmings, you might want to skip the rest of this story. However, if you have been tasked with hosting a traditional holiday gathering for family and friends, ClassX Radio can help with both the music and the meal! For the music, tune the family radio in to 88.9 or 89.1 FM to entertain your group with Doug Lee’s “FM” show for the traditional airing of the entire 18:34 minute version of Arlo Guthrie’s Alice’s Restaurant, Thursday evenings from 8-10 PM. For music lovers, enjoying this Thanksgiving classic is akin to a reading of ‘The Night Before Christmas’ on December 24th, entire family traditions have been built around hearing them. For the meal, we have the ultimate choice to please the picures in the house. This year, consider becoming one of the 3,000 insiders who get a fresh turkey from Tewes Poultry in Erlanger Kentucky. Tri-staters in the know have been buying and ‘Yelping’ about Tewes for years, ‘Tried their turkey once, we will never serve frozen Butterball again’ reads just one of their many 5-star (the best) rated customer comments. In 1924, John Tewes Sr. began farming in Edgewood, Kentucky. With the purchase of 125 acres of land in 1945, the Tewes clan saw an opportunity to expand the family business by adding 300 turkeys in addition to chickens and farm fresh eggs. As his business expanded, so did his family, from five children in 1945 to seventeen today! The I-75 expressway divided their property in 1958 so the farm today is operated on about 38 acres by John’s 13th son, Daniel, and Dan’s wife Darlene.

By Jim Shoe



Tewes Poultry is the only natural turkey farm in the state of Kentucky. The farm now raises about 3000 turkeys a year, free-range style. “We use a natural feed made up of corn, soy bean, and a meal mix and go through between 6-10 tons of it per week,” Tewe said. A few years ago they changed from a ‘tan’ turkey to the ‘white’ because the “meat is a little juicier and there is a bigger white to dark ratio,” Dan Tewe confided. He buys the ‘poults’ when they are just one day old by the box full (100 per) during the first week of July, then he and his family raise them into the 15-35 pound birds that will be readied for the mad rush that is Thanksgiving. “I come from a big family and we need them all as the big day gets closer,” Tewe continued, “About 100 of us to fill all the orders.” The turkeys are all processed onsite. Reservations are recommended, but customers who show up on ‘black-Wednesday’ looking to buy a bird have never been turned away, “They might have to wait a minute for us to get to them, but we’ll have one for them too,” Dan laughed.

“They might have to wait a minute for us to get to them, but we’ll have one for them too,”

Daniel Tewe

Tewe also shared insight into the myth about turkeys and the weather, “No we don’t have them drowning when it’s wet,” he laughed, “ Turkeys have an aerodynamic build, so when it rains, they tilt their heads up so that the water runs down off their feathers and not into their bodies”. Northern Kentucky has numerous coyotes and flocks of wild turkeys that are often spotted on roadsides, but according to Darlene Tewes neither are an issue for them, “If the brown wild turkeys ever were to come into the pens, our birds would be timid and back off together in a far corner away from them. Our turkeys would not mix or try to follow wild ones out and away from the farm.” As to the burgeoning coyote population,” Knock on wood,” she said, “ So far we have avoided any trouble, but it may be because Dan pens the flocks away at night, he has a radio playing in the barns, and leaves lights on too,” she continued, “ We also have sheets nailed to fence posts so the wind flaps them around at night.” The family keeps busy year-round by offering farm fresh vegetables, eggs, chicken fryers and for the health conscious, the best fresh ground turkey you’ll ever enjoy. Every spring the signs go up for live baby chicks and bunnies for special Easter basket surprises. So Dan, just one last question, what does your family eat on Thanksgiving? “We like Chinese from The Oriental Wok!”


• Many Radio and Television news people. • Pete Rose for two 30 lb birds a year (hand picked by Pete himself). • Several Bengals looking for the biggest turkey available (Yes he has them as big as 40lbs).

TEWES FARM Reservations: 859-341-8844 Email: Cooking Instructions Online: Facebook: REGULAR HOURS Monday–Friday: 10 AM- 6 PM THANKSGIVING WEEK: Monday–Wednesday: 8 AM - 8 PM



By Toran Seifert Erickson Kyle English, a local musician, found success after departing from the traditional path trodden by many artists. Performing in and out of bands over the years, Kyle decided to place more focus on a solo career. Since setting out on his own, he has been able to hone his craft; finding a voice and style that, upon hearing it, is easily identified as his own. He is constantly performing live as he did when he made his radio debut this summer on Jim Shoe’s radio show heard exclusively on 88.9 & 89.1 FM, ClassX Radio. He has a way of crafting songs that are heartfelt and catchy. I got the chance to listen to his albums via the internet recently. Here is my review of his works. “KYLE ENGLISH INNOVATORY LIVE session” is the newest EP for the enigmatic artist. It’s a live recording made at New Fidelity Studios with Kyle English on guitar and vocals, Elton Clifton on guitar, Lauren Schloemer on violin, also featuring, Hickory Robot: Scott Carnder on mandolin, Mike Georgin on bass and Jim Pelz on guitar. Recorded, mixed and mastered by the inimitable Elton Clifton. “KYLE INNOVATORY LIVE session” features a different rendering of three familiar tunes from his last EP “ Indian Summer” plus two unreleased bonus tracks. It is a melodic compilation showcasing a pure esthetic instrumental backdrop that compliments every note of Kyle English’s ‘rough around the edge’, silky vocals.



TRACK 1: “5:13am” is a nice piece of storytelling paired with a wonderfully crafted twangy, Spanish country instrumental. It completely entices the listener. TRACK 2: “Four White Horses” weaves a lilting vocal and instrumental that wafts in the air like a whisper faintly caught. Beautiful new rendering. TRACK 3: “Sophia” sports a fresh take. This solo acoustic version will enrapt the listener in the story as the instrumental surrounds them. TRACK 4: “Life” is as pure as it gets for acoustic balladry. It’s a masterful mix of crescendo and stunning softness. Close your eyes and immerse. TRACK 5: “ Indian Summer” features Hickory Robot providing a bluesy fine tuning to the background instrumental. A different and brilliant take on the original version. This one is sublime.  Out of a 5 Star rating system, I give this artistic work 4.5 Stars.  5 Stars for an incredibly memorable instrumental and vocal. 4 Stars for the lyric. There is still a need to slightly shorten choruses. The new tracks are true storytellers.

“Indian Summer” lyrics and music by Kyle English, who also delivers the vocals and acoustic guitar, is produced by Elton Clifton. Obviously, a talented pairing. “Indian Summer” offers an eclectic mix of rhythmic styles and lyrical storytelling. Kyle English’s smooth as silk vocals complimented by his artistic guitar change-ups brings the listener into an overall enjoyable listening experience. TRACK 1: “Indian Summer” weaves rich acoustic guitar in a bluesy-twang with an interesting Spanish folk guitar flare. TRACK 3: “Sophia” sports a perky country pick-up with a red hot melody. One that begs the listener to get up and move. TRACK 3: “Turning Slowly” is a light hearted, whimsical melody touching the likes of Toby Keith’s “Big Blue Note” tune. This combination of melancholia and whimsy works well. TRACK 4: “I Guess I Won’t Know”, turns out a catchy Pop feel and leaves the listener wanting to know, as suggested by the title. TRACK 5: “Grace” is the crown jewel. Soft and melodic with strong instrumentation utilizing a more sophisticated lyric base and haunting backdrop. Last but not least.. TRACK 6: “Four White Horses” delivers soulful country worthy of The House of Blues. Interjection of the harmonica gives this piece depth and a distinctive edge in the story telling.  Out of a five star rating system, I would give this artistic work 4 stars. 5 stars for the instrumental. It stands out and could stand alone. 3.5 stars on the lyrics. Lyrics are from the heart, this just needs more of the story, less repetition. Perhaps shorten the chorus and finish with more of the instrumental.

Born and raised in the suburbs of Cincinnati, OH, HereComeHere is taking to the local music scene and having the time of their lives. The band’s debut EP album, released June 25, 2013, blends a semi-hard rock sound with an upbeat pop mentality. With standout tracks like “Hello Queen City,” which pays homage to their stomping grounds, and “Sweet Breeze”, an unexpectedly laid back twist, HereComeHere is an essential addition to any music library. This four piece ensemble is comprised of four guys who come from varying backgrounds and musical influences. Tom Bodner, Lead Vocalist and Rhythm Guitarist, brings his melodic vocals and classically trained style to the forefront for an impactful listening experience. Native New Yorker and former metal head, Mike Malowski, brings the house down with his beautifully placed and powerfully driven lead guitar. Bringing in the lows, Bryce Hogland, Bass Guitarist, adds anti-melodic vocals to provide an unexpected approach to the overall musical flow. Tyler Abbatiello, Percussionist/Drums, is right in the pocket with the beats to hold it all together. Be sure to check these guys out! I had the chance to listen to their album recently to give this honest review… “HereComeHere” music and lyrics by HereComeHere. Produced by Here ComeHere. It’s an elite collaboration that is oozing Rock savvy! “HereComeHere serves up a superb semi-hard rock experience rarely attained by young bands. Tom Bodner’s pleasantly graveled vocal is showcased by a brilliant rock instrumental backdrop.

TRACK 1: “Hello Queen City” kicks it off with a white hot, can’t get it out of my mind, melody and lyric.

TRACK 4: “Magic” is a bit the cliche’ band number however this piece could hold extreme Pop appeal.

TRACK 2: “ Wax and Wane” flirts with a country rock intro that leads into a David Bowie style lyric delivery accompanied by a well crafted instrumental.

TRACK 5: “Somewhere Out There” is a true rock out experience. Hard rocking lead in with Tyler Abbatiello’s punch percussion and electrifying Mike Malowski’s lead guitar satiates the rocker soul.

TRACK 3: “Sweet Breeze” changes it up to a mellow guitar and harmony. Bryce Hogland’s clean Rap interlude gives this piece an acute point of interest, delivering a fresh take on rock balladry. As portrayed by the lyric, I would follow this one anywhere.

TRACK 6: “Leave This Town” ( Unplugged) delivers a classy finish. Pleasant vocals and a quaint melody resonate a Jim Croce flashback, leaving this artistic work a cut above the rest.

Out of a five star rating system, I would give this artistic work 4.5 Stars. 5 Stars for instrumental and cool rocker vocals, 4 Stars for lyric story telling. I consider it a must have for my music library! As Always... PAYING IT88.9/89.1 FORWARD , ROCKING IT OUT. • FM • WWW.CLASSXRADIO.COM




Bean Bag Toss, Bags, Corn Toss, Baggo, or Cornhole, the game has had many names. This is Cincinnati, and in Cincinnati we play Cornhole. While there are a few different theories as to who invented the game or where it originated, I like to believe the tale that says it started on the West Side of Cincinnati and spread like wildfire in the 1990s. There are not many summer parties or events around town that will not include the familiar setup of decorated boards and beanbags. Tailgating at a Bengals game? Of course you will find a friendly game (or dozen), going on. 24


Knowing the local popularity of Cornhole, it should not come as a surprise that the Tri-State is also home to the five-time National Champion. Matt Guy is a Campbell County native, who now resides in Cold Spring, Kentucky. I was able to catch up with him for an interview. Matt recalled that his first time playing was in 1996 at a party in Ross, Ohio. Surprisingly, he did not play again until 2001. What happened in 2001 turned Guy into a National Champ. He played his first tournament partnering with his brother, Art Guy, at the Western Hills Sports Center. It was the first time that Art played the game and they went 2-2. When asked when he realized that he was the beanbag whisperer, Matt replied, “I started playing regularly in tournaments after that win and started winning most of them. My first big tournament was something like 420 teams and I was very dominant and won.” In September, before the John Waite/ Night Ranger concert at Florence Freedom, ClassX radio’s Jim Shoe teamed up with Matt against John Waite and bass player Tim Hogan for a ‘friendly’ game. They played on a custom set of Night Ranger boards that were donated by Slick Woody’s to Night Ranger’s vocalist, Kelly Keagy, who was celebrating his birthday that night. I wondered how that game went..., “Jim and I were talking smack at John and Tim to mess with them, but that was the first time they had

ever seen or heard of Cornhole. Guy revealed, “John fell in love with it and kinda blew off the meet and greet to play with us. Shoe started messing with him before his throws by mimicking some girls who had been at the backstage party, saying Oh John, Oh I love you John. He (Waite) was laughing too hard to throw it right, so I was giving them tips and then they started getting the hang of it. Good times!” I bet it was. Sadly, Matt Guy had to relinquish the reigning National Cornhole Champion title recently after his five-year run. Who is the new Cornhole King, you ask? It is some other Guy, none other than Matt’s own son, Bret! I didn’t like to rub salt in his fresh wounds but I had to ask how it felt to be unseated by his own son, and his answer brought a tear to my eye. “My 19 year old son, Bret Guy, is the new King of Cornhole. I have to say that I was more excited and emotional watching my son win it than I ever was winning it for myself,” he said. “I was so proud watching his focus and seeing the confidence in his face. We had a very emotional hug after his win. It really is something for the teacher to watch the student become the best.” What a whirlwind ride it has been for the Guy family. I will be rooting for them to keep that title in the family for at least another five years. Good luck, ‘Guys’! If you like the idea of owning a set of custom boards of your own, you’ll be thrilled with how little they cost.

Through their exclusive computer process, they can literally take any image or logo and turn it into a custom Cornhole deck, which will not wear away. The Night Ranger boards were the 7 Wishes LP covers and were beautiful. I asked who their painter was, Michelangelo? “No painter and it is not a sticker,” Guy laughed, “It is our own process, kind of like a vehicle wrap”. Slick Woody’s custom Cornhole boards can be created for a business, family reunion, party, or to represent your favorite team, band, or album cover. Contact Matt at 859-322-1003 or email him your idea at Look for the ClassX promotions team at a concert or festival to play a game on our new custom Cornhole boards from Slick Woody’s. Tune in to hear how you can win a set of custom ClassX Cornhole boards courtesy of Slick Woody’s, of your own! The 1st Annual ClassX Cornhole tournament is coming in February 2014! The afternoon contest will be held on a Sunday and because it is ClassX Radio, will be complete with food trucks, live music, and cash prizes! You do not want to miss this one. Even if you are not a player, come out and enjoy the food and concert. Stay tuned to ClassX Radio 88.9 or 89.1 FM, for further details as they become available. Follow me on my adventures around town on Facebook at



• Outdoor boards must be 30 feet apart from hole center to hole center

• If a bag hits the ground and bounces back up onto the board, it does not count.

• Indoor boards must have a distance of 26 feet between center holes. • The front of the box is the foul line which must not be crossed when tossing. • Two team of 4-6 people shall play with a total of 8 beanbags—4 for each team. •

Players from each team alternate turns until 4 bags are thrown from each team, aiming at the center hole of the opposing team’s board.

• A bag in the hole is worth 3 points. •

A bag that lands on the board is worth 1 point; however it’s not that easy, points cancel each other out when opposing teammates land on the board or in the hole during the same round.

• First team to 21 points wins!

Have an idea for someone I should profile; contact me there!


New friends think she is a happening chick because she like totally adapts to fit right in with the return of the 80s. Old friends know she never left.

Majoring in Journalism and Mass Communications, with minors in Sports Management and Marketing, can’t wait to entertain you with everything from interviews with local sports figures, to the latest must follow trends in the tri-state. She rambles alright.



It’s that time. As Andy Williams says or usually sings—‘the most wonderful time of the year.’ I can’t sing, especially in the print medium, so take my hand and come with me down memory lane. Let’s go chronologically; alphabetically is too confusing. To me, Thanksgiving is everything and more. It’s like Christmas, where all your presents are perishables and all your exchanges expletives. It’s a time to reflect back to our forefathers and five muthas, loading up the MAYFLOWER and moving on up, like the Jeffersons to a land full of opportunity.



MEMORIES By Robert J. Berry

I’m also thankful for all my Christmas memories. To me, Christmas is everything and more. Christmas is… All the anticipation, excitement, the warmth, and the coming together when the tree catches fire. Christmas is...the look on the kids faces as they frenetically rip off the wrapping to find another cassette of “Dork Side of the Moon”, the first ‘Best of Bob’, now a collectible.

And they showed up right at dinner time; and the Native Americans kept quiet cuz they were wearing moccasins (the shoes, not the snakes). They gave us gifts of golden corn, frankincense, and myrrh. We brought Frisch’s pumpkin pie and an eviction notice. When they had second thoughts, we called em “Indian-givers”.

Christmas is…tossing and turning all eve, straining; listening… Then, just like that—SNAP!! I sprang from my bed to see what was the clatter, ran downstairs, to catch Santa, thrashing about in the trap I’d set before retiring. You know what they say? “Build a bigger mouse trap, and they’ll beat… you senseless for maiming Santa.

Still I can’t help but stop and count my blessings. I’m thankful for cleavage, especially on girls. I give thanks I live in a land, where I can go latenight clubbing, though not with baby seals and probably not with navy seals.

Christmas is…the presents; the past; all the memories, the smells (especially Uncle Gus), the blinking lights... the seizures.

I’m grateful for inventors, patents, patent leather shoes, and my foresight to see up the girls dresses. Although I look silly in patent leather. Thanks for erasers so I can get a second chance and a third. I’m thankful for


cheap dates and cheap ho’s. I give thanks for missionaries, who showed me their position. I’m thankful for two-way mirrors cuz I’m shy.


Now I still have the…um…uh…oh… —the memories and the bills from the hypno-sessions to try to…um…uh… oh yeah…to forget. Happy Holidays boys and girls! See you in the beautifully decorated rehab facility.





LIVE Magazine Winter 2013  

The Futuro House Issue, Music For Your Eyes, Cincinnati & Northern Kentucky

LIVE Magazine Winter 2013  

The Futuro House Issue, Music For Your Eyes, Cincinnati & Northern Kentucky