TRUE COLOURS

It’s very difficult to know where to begin really. Living in the wrong body/ gender is a hard road to travel. It brings many obstacles, which can break you or make you stronger.

I was born Brian yule in the 70s and always knew I was different my childhood was traumatic, very lonely and with just one sibling and unsupportive parents, coming out as a trans boy was out of the question.

From about the age of six I had always had the idea that I was different. I would to pay a lot of attention to what women were wearing and their makeup. For years I wondered why I looked different, why my parents would dress me differently to my sister. I couldn’t concentrate at school because it was all I could think about. I couldn’t let anybody know how I felt and at home it would have been totally unacceptable, but when I was alone, I would experiment and dress up using makeup to help me feel better about my life but it wasn’t enough I gradually got more daring stepping outside at night when there was no one around.

I remember my grandfather coming around with the newspaper and in it was a place called Transformation in Newcastle, you could actually change for the day but you had to be over eighteen. It seemed magical to me and I made it my goal to eventually go there.

Time went on and my sister had left which left me on my own, a very bad situation for me so I left home shortly after leaving school moving in to a one bedroom flat this was the beginning of my journey, I didn’t really have contact with my parents they struggled to understand me and I found myself involved with alcohol and drugs in hindsight putting myself in vulnerable situations looking back I realise it was TIA trying to get out but I was afraid.

I was trying to be me in a world where this was not acceptable, I had to be Brian as a consequence I suffered mental health issues because of the pressure on my young mind.

At 17 I became a bit more confident, passed my driving test and went straight to Transformation where eventually had my makeover. At last this was ME I felt alive, human, like I belonged and had a purpose but I had no idea about gender clinics or even where to purchase a wig. There were still people in my life that would not accept me I feared losing them and being alone again.

This was followed by another crazy idea. I applied for the navy and unexpectedly I had a reply within weeks and was sent on training I passed all my courses and was shipped off to sea within six months of training. It is a man’s world and my options were limited, and my lifestyle would eventually have its consequences. I remember joining my first ship carrying my bags onboard knowing I had a change of clothing and makeup in one of them and praying that I’d be put somewhere on my own.

Over the years I joined many ships following the same routines hiding from everyone as if it were dark agin it had major consequences on my health I started using alcohol and drugs slowly slipping back to the place I was before. I left in my 20s I was discharged I was diagnosed with PTSD and my mental health destroyed. I was still trying to fit in and got married trying to feel like others and look normal, the married man with children and a job just like everybody else.

Eventually I told my wife that I had been this way since I was young causing the separation and loss of contact with my son. I found myself in and out of relationships trying to fit I, and have a normal life until I eventually went to my doctor and told them how I was feeling, how it was impacting my mental health and people around me.

For years been dishonest with people including myself. The doctors then referred me to the gender clinic in Newcastle.

I was to be prescribed HRT and I attended laser hair removal in my treatment started I was so excited unfortunately it was not that simple the clinic had made a mistake and I was no longer prescribed hormones I was so unhappy that I there were many suicide attempts.

I found myself marrying again and having two more children the relationship lasted 10 years but we eventually separated.

I began my permanent change at 41 years old. My kids are on board as are close friends and family I am now 45 years old and have been on HRT for 18 months, at last I am becoming the real me.

It has been a tough few years, I found myself subject to hate crime I was attacked on the street in front of my children it was horrific I had so many broken bones, but I’m a survivor and this is who I will be for the rest of my life and I will make it to my final transition. In fact I found out about NE Love through Ruth at Ruby Red Aesthetics in Sunderland who has been integral to my transformation, cheeks brows, I feel like I look like I was meant to. Because of my past experiences I have I opened my own support group for the trans community in South Shields. If I can help anyone avoid the agony of growing up the way I did that will make it all worthwhile. It is somewhere to meet like-minded and I feel like I can use my life experiences to point them in the right direction, maybe build a safe environment in the community for people to meet and even help parents understand the younger ones. Mainly I want to help people understand the pitfalls and to know there is light at the end of the tunnel in the form of happiness when you find the real you l