depression

DC4 Report Publication: INTAKE Day: 5. THU (THU) Page: I16 Copyright: Yes

Edition: FINAL EDITION Date: 20040909 Section: INTAKE Byline: BY KIMIKO L. MARTINEZ KIMIKO.MARTINEZ@INDYSTAR.COM

DEPRESSION Millions suffer from a serious mental illness that can be treated but never really goes away.

BY KIMIKO L. MARTINEZ KIMIKO.MARTINEZ@INDYSTAR.COM All Maureen could think about was how to make it stop.

Standing on the edge of her apartment complex's pool, she stared at the clear water and longed for its peaceful serenity.

She'd been through dark periods before, but things were spiraling out of control.

Underwater, she could make it all disappear: She could escape the loneliness of a new city without any friends to turn to. She could bury the hurt and loss of a recent breakup and forget the stress of losing her job.

If she could just jump in, maybe it would all just go away.

"My world was crashing around me, and I didn't know what to do," Maureen said. "Things were in such turmoil. I just wanted peace."

Suicidal thoughts were nothing new to Maureen. The 28−year−old had been battling depression since high school. She sought treatment while in college, but a particularly severe severe episode forced her to take time off from medical school.

For a while, though, it seemed things were getting better. After trying several different medications, she'd finally found one that seemed to work for her. But within a few months of moving to Indianapolis for a new job, things started to unravel again.

"I needed to do something because I couldn't handle all this," said Maureen, now 34. "I started to think of ways that I could kill myself. I was so out of it, though, it was really more like fantasizing wanting to do it, but never really getting there."

But here she was, standing beside the pool ready to drown herself.

She took a deep breath and walked in.

For some reason, though, she just couldn't do it.

Stepping out of the pool, she thought the worst was over. But when she got back to her apartment, she couldn't shake the thought to finish the task.

She began grabbing handfuls of pills, leftover medications that she'd never used, and downed them with alcohol.

1

DC4 Report "I felt like I wanted to die, but I think I knew subconsciously that the pills weren't going to kill me," Maureen said. "Even though I think I knew I wasn't going to overdose, I prayed it would kill me."

It didn't.

In what could have been her last moments, she called her boyfriend and told him what she'd done. Before she knew it, paramedics were at her door.

Rock bottom It has been six years since Maureen tried to kill herself. And for 3 1/2 years, she has lived in a pit of isolation, depression and darkness.

"This last year and a half has been a slow recovery," she said.

There are still days when Maureen can't do anything. She can't pay bills, can't run to the store, can't get out of bed. Up until six months ago, she was still dealing with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.

It's all part of the daily struggle of fighting a disease that attacks the brain instead of the body. "(The suicidal thoughts) were familiar to me," Maureen said. "But I knew not to act on them. I knew they were part of the disease."

It's a disease that most people don't understand, though.

"They think you have control over it," Maureen said. "When I told my family, they thought I could just snap out of it."

Experts say that sentiment represents one of the most common misconceptions about the disease.

"It really is a medical condition; that's why people who are depressed respond to medications," said Gina Eckart, 36, a licensed mental health counselor at Wishard's Midtown Community Mental Health Center.

She wishes more people could see it as a medical condition, "instead of a sign of weakness, that it's not something they can control," she said.

Shared misery According to the National Mental Health Association, clinical depression is one of the most common forms of mental illness, affecting more than 19 million Americans each year. But fewer than half of those suffering from the illness seek treatment, thinking the depression isn't serious, that they can treat it themselves, or believing that it's a personal weakness rather than a medical illness.

Many times, people suffering from depression fault themselves, thinking they should be able to control it, Eckart said.

That's how Maureen said she felt.

"You feel stigmatized," she said. "You have depression. You're an outcast. It's really hard and you end up having a job that you feel like you should be able to do more, but you can't."

2

DC4 Report The bright 34−year−old California native had managed to "fake it" through high school and college, but her world came crashing down the first time during medical school when the stress of school mixed with sleep deprivation from beginning medical rotations proved too much.

She dropped out of classes, sought counseling and, for more than a year, cycled through different medications.

"I lost most of my friends because I couldn't go out with them socially," she said. "So I felt really alone. It was a year of total darkness."

According to Julie Szempruch, a clinical nurse specialist and director of acute care services for Midtown Community Mental Health Center, it's easy for things to quickly spiral out of control.

"They're not keeping up with daily life, so their finances are out of control and their relationships are out of control," Szempruch said.

That's when people start thinking about suicide as their only way out.

According to Anantha Shekhar, professor of psychiatry at Indiana University School of Medicine, suicides are a "fairly common occurrence and account for a fairly high number of deaths, especially for teenagers and the elderly."

The International Association for Suicide Prevention, which sponsors World Suicide Prevention Day on Sept. 10, estimates that approximately 1 million people around the world die from suicide each year, equaling one death every 40 seconds.

Elaine Lockwood, who volunteers for a local crisis and suicide hotline, deals with depression every time she works a shift.

"Some people have already overdosed or hurt themselves in some way," she said. "They're on the brink, they have no hope left, and our purpose at that point is that we are their last best hope."

Out of the darkness "When you've lived most of your life with depression, you don't know any different, and you think it's normal," Maureen said. "It's when you're not functioning that you start to think something is wrong."

But she thinks she could have gotten treatment earlier if she'd known more about the disease, or if someone would have intervened.

"Education is number one, so that people can begin to accept this as a medical condition," Szempruch said.

"It's really not an individual problem, it's a family, a society. Sometimes in our society, we just want to mind our own business. But whatever way you can get involved, do it. Reach out and help them get the treatment."

Besides meds and counseling, Maureen has found her depression support group extremely helpful.

"It really became the mainstay of my life," she said.

Though she usually had trouble leaving the house, she managed to get to the meetings one day each week.

"It was my lifeline."

3

DC4 Report Knowing other people have experienced the same type of emotional pain has helped her cope. Though Maureen is on disability, she has been actively seeking a part−time job and has been working temporary part−time data entry and receptionist jobs throughout the last year.

But finding a job that offers the flexibility that allows her to stay healthy and keep her depression in check is difficult.

"I know I can never again have my high−functioning job that I used to have," Maureen said. "I'm going to have to stay at this lower level functioning. And that's a big loss."

But she continues to work at ways of taking care of herself and healing. Awareness of her triggers for depression helps maintain her recovery. Friends and family now know what signs to look for to prevent future episodes.

"The key is finding as many ways to help yourself as you can," Maureen said. "You need a psychiatrist, you need a counselor, a support program. If you're religious, try to find a religious program to help you. By going to an alternative therapist I've really opened myself up to spirituality, which has helped me realize that maybe the things that have happened were for a purpose. The things I've achieved and haven't achieved, maybe that's OK." Due to the sensitivity of the story, some last names have been withheld.

TEXT NAME: IN_DEPRES SLUG: TOPIC: SUBJECT: KEYS: TYPE: GEOGRAPHIC: ART TYPE: ILLUSTRATION, PHOTO ART CAPTION:Tom Klubens / For INtake Ongoing battle: Maureen's depression had taken her to the point of attempting suicide. I't been more than three years, and though she takes antidepressants, she still struggles with her condition. Depression affects more than 19 million Americans each year.

Arnel Reynon / INtake

PROC: STATUS:

Arnel Reynon / INtake J Unsent

4