adventures + columns - Kimiko Martinez

20

INSIGHT

WORKLIFE

STYLE

ADVENTURE

Thursday, August 31, 2006 INtake

FOOD & DRINK

A D V E N T U R E : R . E . S . T.

GETTING TANKED INtake’s Kimiko Martinez learns that her senses sometimes enjoy a little depravation.

DRIVES LIKE A GO-KART. DRINKS LIKE ONE, TOO.

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hwy

*

By Kimiko Martinez

I

kimiko.martinez@intakeweekly.com

’ve never been high. And I’ve never been to outer space. (Duh.) But after leaving Stillwater Float in Carmel, I feel like I’ve done both.

For an entire hour I’ve been forced to relax.

I say forced because I, like so many of my fellow frenzied friends in this “work hard, play hard” anxiety-ridden generation, am one of those people who simply can’t sit still. And yet, for more than 60 minutes, I haven’t had a choice.

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R.E.S.T. assured: Kimiko Martinez climbs into an Oasis tank to try out R.E.S.T. (Restricted Environmental Stimulation Therapy).

Michelle Pemberton / INtake

INtake

WORKLIFE

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Stripped

Situated in a fairly typical strip mall just north of 126th and Rangeline Road in Carmel, Stillwater Float doesn’t look like much from the outside.

Walking in feels a bit like entering a spa or doctor’s office, where a stone waterfall provides ambient noise and creates a relaxing effect.

The center, which opened Aug. 1, houses two float tanks, where customers can R.E.S.T. (Restricted Environmental Stimulation Therapy).

Apparently floating was all the rage in the ’70s and ’80s.

Also known as “sensory deprivation,” professional athletes were known to reap benefits from these salt water-filled tanks. Entire sports teams would use the tanks for relaxation and focus training.

Always looking for something new, and in desperate need of some relaxation, I decided to give it a try. So after going over the basics with coowner Tom Gould (see box) and showering in the East Room (a small, private room with a shower and float tank) I stepped in and closed the door.

Look ma, no hands!

STYLE

ADVENTURE

About floating ! Flotation tanks hold about 200 pounds of water with about 800 pounds of dissolved Epsom salt. Users float like a cork. ! Muscle tension, blood pressure, heart rate and oxygen consumption drop dramatically. ! Stress-related chemicals are removed from the bloodstream and replaced by beneficial endorphins. ! The brain’s electrical activity drops to a level known as the theta state. The mind remains awake and alert, yet nearly asleep.

Stillwater Float Where: 622 S. Rangeline Road, Suite E. Carmel, (317) 663-4359, www.StillwaterFloat.net.

Cost: Grand opening special: $40 for a one-hour float, or bring a friend for two one-hour floats for $25 each. (Book by Sept. 1.)

Basically, a flotation tank is a small, super saline pool. The water’s only about 10 inches deep and heated to about 93.5 degrees. The Epsom salt works double duty in providing therapeutic effects and making the body float like a cork.

Floatation device: This Oasis tank is filled with 200 pounds of water Because the temperature is into which 800 pounds of Epsom salt has been dissolved. almost the exact temperature as your skin, floaters eventually lose the sensation of hot/cold.

By about 20 minutes in, I was to just shut down. I floated popped into my mind. I rehaving trouble distinguishing somewhere between sleep and membered all those times I’d where the water ended and this dark, deep space that I’d warmed myself in the sun as a where the air began. And since entered. Once I hit that sweet child, laying in my neighbor’s the tank is almost spot, all sense of time and pool.

So to be floating completely dark, you space completely disappeared.

— with no sun, no feel as if you’re just I was snapped back to reality beer, no friends, no floating out in the when Gould knocked on the sound, no waves — middle of space. door a little over an hour after was a completely forThere are no stars, I’d stepped into my personal eign experience. of course, except stasis chamber.

For a good 30 minthose weird splotches utes or so I was antsy, Head in the clouds that your eyes prowondering how much duce when you rub An hour later I was still feeltime had already them. More than once ing lightheaded. Not drunk, but passed, trying to think I had to purposely kind of that giddy, nothing matTom Gould of things to think blink my eyes just to ters mood where your head co-owns about, scolding myself see if they were still feels like it’s barely even atStillwater for thinking about the open or not. I found tached to your body. Your scalp Float in Carthings that popped into feels tingly and your head is so myself moving my mel. my head, trying to fingers and toes as clear that you wonder if there’s breathe deeply and simply rewell, just to feel the sensation even a brain inside of it. lax. A drop of condensation of the water moving.

The effects could last up to Gould said one hour of float- from the roof of the tank could several days, Gould said. No ing is equal to about four hours jar me and throw me temporacomplaints in my book. rily off track from truly relaxof deep sleep.

It takes some people two or Floating in and of itself is re- ing. three sessions to really reap laxing. Images of lying on a But eventually my body the benefits, he said. If the benraft, surrounded by friends won. Just as Gould said it efits get even better (Did I (and usually beer), and being would, a parasympathetic remention the back pain relief?), rocked by the waves of a river sponse kicked in and it seemed I can’t wait to go back.

FOOD & DRINK

INSIGHT

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HOLDTIGHT! Buckle up for the best amusement parks the Midwest has to offer. Find out which were our favorites. PAGE 26

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26

INDEPTH

Thursday, June 15, 2006 INtake

Easily

amused Kimiko tours the Midwest’s fastest and tallest coasters at five amusement parks.

By Kimiko Martinez

G

kimiko.martinez@intakeweekly.com

Tom Klubens / For INtake

Puppy love: The Holiday World mascot Holidog hands out free hugs to kid visitors.

ot wood? How about steel?

With the summer season in full swing, nearby amusement parks are bracing for an onslaught of thrill-seekers and family vacationers.

Not sure where to go? With more than a dozen choices within a day’s drive, we decided to help you choose. We spent more than 25 hours on the road, more than $500 out of our pocketbooks and lost about five pounds from walking the hundreds of acres at the five parks — both big and small — that we visited: Cedar Point, Holiday World, Indiana Beach, Paramount’s Kings Island and Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom.

Want to know how to save money? We asked. Which rollercoaster has the biggest drop? We found out.

And now that it’s all said and done, we’re handing out awards.

Tom Klubens / For INtake

Flip ya for real: Riders get flipped upside down on Face/Off at Paramount’s Kings Island.

Submitted photo

Stormy: Visitors to Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom ride Tornado!, which drops rafts down a tunnel into a catch pool.

Tom Klubens / For INtake

Air attack: Riders on maXair at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, are swung 140 feet up into the air as the ride spins rapidly in a clockwise motion.

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INDEPTH

Thursday, June 15, 2006 INtake

Indiana Beach

Park awards After visiting the parks, we compiled this list of awards for rides, parks and staff:

306 Indiana Beach Drive, Monticello, Ind.; (219) 583-4141, www.indianabeach.com.

T

RIDES

ake a trip back in time at this lakeside park that looks like it could have been lifted straight out of the 1950s. Classic carnival rides, a couple of coasters and a distinct seaside feel are here.

Brigitte Nielson / Flava Flav award: Wicked Twister (Cedar Point) for being the most twisted coaster. The track looks like a pair of antelope horns with two 215foot towers that each twist 450 degrees.

Newest attractions: Splash Battle, an interactive water ride, and Splash Bash, a water play area, open this summer.

Shows/special attractions: Water Thrill Show at 1:30 p.m., 3:30 p.m., 6:30 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. daily through Aug. 20.

Upcoming events: Fireworks June 17 and July 4; anniversary party beginning June 18 with 25-cent rides.

Themes/mascot: “There’s more than corn in Indiana.” IB Crow and Cornball Jones serve as park mascots.

Most interesting menu items: Pronto Pups, walking tacos, Skyroom Chef’s three-course gourmet dinner.

Three most popular rides: Shafer Queen, Cornball Express Roller Coaster, Den of Lost Thieves.

Cheech and Chong award: Old school: A vintage sign along the Indiana Beach boardwalk advertises swimwear for sale.

All wet: Reporter Kimiko Martinez gets a little wet as she hits the end of Rocky’s Rapids log flume ride.

Tom Klubens / For INtake

Holiday World 452 E. Christmas Blvd., Santa Claus, Ind.; (877) 463-2645, www.holidayworld.com.

E

veryone is talking about the new wooden coaster The Voyage, and for good reason.

Plus, who else gives you free soft drinks and includes the water park in admission?

Newest attraction: The Voyage, a 1.2-mile-long wooden coaster with a record 24.2 seconds of airtime, opened May 6.

Shows/special attractions: Santa’s Storytime, Holidog’s Dance Party, History of Diving, Lift Your Voice, Superstar Karaoke, American Country and Pop Revolution.

Themes/mascot: Holiday-themed areas include Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Halloween and Christmas; Holidog is the mascot.

“Santa Claus isn’t a mascot,” Werne said, “but he’s here every day.”

Most interesting menu items: Cheesecake on a stick, $2.99; Frito pie, $2.89; fried Oreos, four for $2.79.

Three most popular rides: The Voyage, Raging Rapids, The Raven in Holiday World; Zinga, Bahari wave pool and ZOOMbabwe in Splashin’ Safari.

Take a trip: The Voyage is the newest addition to Holiday World. To read more about the ride and its designers, see page 27.

Top Thrill Dragster (Cedar Point) for highest coaster — 420 feet.

Depends award: The Beast (Paramount’s Kings Island).

If you’re in need of a good b.m., this ride will shake the sh*t out of you.

FedEx award:

Mantis (Cedar Point) and Chang (Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom). All those loops and turns on these stand-up coasters aren’t so bad, but beware of the ending.

You’ll wish you wore a cup.

Longest wood award: The Beast (Paramount’s Kings Island) at 7,400 feet (of track, of course).

Michael Jordan award: The Voyage (Holiday World) for most airtime on a coaster — 24.2 seconds; and Skyhawk (Cedar Point) for best air on a thrill ride.

SNL’s The Lady’s Man award for smoothness: Raptor (Cedar Point). A suspended steel coaster that goes down smooth like a glass of fine cognac.

Snoop Dogg and the Dogg pound award for best Gs: Son of Beast (Paramount’s Kings Island). A 214-foot drop, speeds over 78 mph, 7,032 feet of twists, turns and tunnels, and the only wooden coaster with a loop. There’s some serious g-force action.

Best short wood: The Hoosier Hurricane (Indiana Beach).

A classic out-and-back wood coaster that’s surprisingly fun.

Dropping in: At Holiday World, guests plunge down one of the drops on the Raven roller coaster.

Sam Hornish, Jr. award for fastest ride: Top Thrill Dragster (Cedar Point). Zero to 120 mph in less than 4 seconds.

Jenna Jamison award:

Magnum XL-200 (Cedar Point) for best up and down action. All those hills equal lots of airtime.

Most underrated award: Thunder Run (Kentucky Kingdom). People who haven’t been don’t know what they’re missing. A great wooden ride.

Want a Santa? Inside Santa’s Storytime Theater at Holiday World.

Tom Klubens / For INtake

INtake

INDEPTH

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Cedar Point

1 Cedar Point Road, Sandusky, Ohio; (419) 627-2350, www.cedarpoint.com.

T

hey call Cedar Point the Roller Coast for a reason. It’s a thrill seeker’s paradise with some of the biggest and baddest roller coasters around.

Set on Lake Erie, the scenery is beautiful. And the temperatures are much more moderate than at some of the other parks, which allows Cedar Point planners the freedom to continually build taller, faster and noisier attractions.

Newest attraction: Skyhawk, the world’s tallest swing ride, thrusts its riders 125 feet into the air at more than 60 mph. Two giant 84-foot arms, each carrying 20 riders, swing in opposite directions. Opened in May 2006.

Shows/special attractions: Extreme Splash high-dive show, Camp Snoopy Theatre and Rock the House. Hot Summer Lights and Divine Divas are new this year. Hot Summer Lights features FireWater, a special effect that shoots torchlike flames into the air. These flames are choreographed to music. Cedar Point is the first and only amusement park in the world to use this technology.

Upcoming events: Fireworks on July 4, the Johnsonville Big Taste Grill (the world’s largest traveling grill), Fourth of July weekend and the 34th Annual North American Sail and Power Boat Show, Sept. 13-17.

Themes/mascot: Peanuts characters.

Most interesting menu items: New “Chicken Bites of Fire” (buffalo-style chicken bites), calypso chicken wraps, island steak burgers, Cuban panini, fresh Lake Erie perch sandwiches, 25-cent cotton candy sticks and new sirloin steak burgers.

Three most popular rides: Millennium Force (voted Best Steel Roller Coaster in the World), Raptor and Top Thrill Dragster.

Tom Klubens / For INtake

Put a cork in it: The Corkscrew roller coaster at Cedar Point careens toward one of its several loops just a few feet over the heads of park pedestrians.

Going down to Cowtown: A baby calf licks another calf on the ear in the Cedar Point petting zoo.

Streaking: The Mean Streak wooden roller coaster (below) takes riders through a sharp turn at Cedar Point.

Like a bird: The Skyhawk’s two 84-foot long arms swing to a horizontal position, bringing riders about 125 feet above the ground.

Buy a thrill: Cedar Point’s Top Thrill Dragster roller coaster takes riders up to the apex and then races down the track at a top speed of 120 mph.

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INDEPTH

Thursday, June 15, 2006 INtake

Paramount’s Kings Island 6300 Kings Island Drive, Cincinnati, Ohio; (513) 573-5700, www.pki.com.

PA R K S

T

Cigarette break award:

he Beast has been lurking in the woods at King’s Island for years. And its spawn, Son of Beast, is just as menacing. Plus, a brandspanking-new Nickelodeon Universe is like kiddie heaven, with rides featuring the network’s most popular characters, like SpongeBob SquarePants and Dora the Explorer.

Submitted photo

Hands up: Riders have no fear as the Thunder Run drags them downhill.

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom

Newest attraction: Nickelodeon Universe, which includes a total of 18 rides and attractions that bring to life Nickelodeon’s most popular characters; opened April 14.

Shows/special attractions: School of Rock Live in Concert, Star Search Live.

Upcoming events: Nickelodeon Celebration Parade, through July 9; Star-Spangled Celebration, July 1-4; Spirit Song, July 6-8; NCA/NDA Cheer and Dance Championships, Sept. 2-3.

Themes/mascot: Nickelodeon, Scooby Doo. Most interesting menu items: Skyline chili, Graeter’s ice cream, Montgomery Inn and LaRosa’s pizza.

Three most popular rides: Racer, Kings Island Miami Valley Railroad, Beast.

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom for being the best quick fix. It’s not the biggest and not the best, but it does the trick.

Vegas hooker award: Holiday World is hands-down the best bang for the buck. Of course, it’s about as far from Vegas as you can get — spitting and cursing are prohibited, the grounds are clean and it’s cheap.

The Flintstones award: Child’s play: Children ride the Lazytown Sportocopters while others ride the Nickoround in Nickelodeon Universe.

Indiana Beach is by far the best blast from the past. It sits on the lake and looks like a seaside park you’d see in the movies.

Homecoming committee award: Paramount’s Kings Island for best use of a theme. What better pairings for go-cart racing than Days of Thunder, and a backward/forward-facing twisted suspended coaster than Face/Off?

937 Phillips Lane, Louisville, Ky.; (502) 366-2231, www.sixflags.com.

S TA F F

Mr. Belvedere award: Holiday World. This is the type of butler-like staff that takes your belongings for you and stores them on the opposite side of the track. They even say, “Excuse me” when they’re checking your seatbelts and lap bars.

J

ust a couple hours away, Kentucky Kingdom has all the fun of a bigger park, but on a smaller scale. It has just enough variety in its coasters to make thrill-seekers happy and enough kiddie rides, parades and shows to entertain the younger set.

Newest attractions: Tornado at the Hurricane Bay water park and The Funtastic World of Hanna-Barbera at the Thrill Park Theater motion simulator.

Shows/special attractions: Looney Tunes: We Got the Beat!, Broadway Rhythm, Pure Country and Looney Tunes parade with Justice League of America characters.

Upcoming events: GospelFest featuring Kirk Franklin on June 17, and KidsFest featuring magicians, stilt walkers, music, clowns, face painting and arts and crafts July 1-7.

Themes/mascot: Looney Tunes characters and Justice League of America, including Batman, Robin, Green Lantern, Flash and Wonder Woman.

Most interesting menu items: Turkey pesto panini and Southwestern chicken wrap.

Three most popular rides: Chang, Hellevator, Hurricane Bay Water Park.

Park awards

The View award:

If you watch this show, you know how much incessant chatter there can be. The ride operators at Cedar Point may have taken their cue from the cast.

They are peppy, and the attention seems genuine for the first hour, but then it gets annoying.

Facing Face/Off: The winding Kings Island roller coaster Face/Off shows no mercy as it turns its guests upside down.

Bring It On award: Talk about team spirit. The staff at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom were still smiling, polite and friendly, despite the gloomy weather and lack of visitors.

Mascots were out walking around between downpours and the parades went on as planned.

United Colors of Benetton award: Cedar Point. Most of the parks we attended were pretty whitewashed. But at Cedar Point, both the visitors and the staff reflected a more diverse cultural spectrum.

Tom Klubens / For INtake

INtake

INDEPTH

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Pick a park

Cedar Point

Holiday World

Indiana Beach

Kentucky Kingdom

Kings Island

Cost

$39.95 adults, $64.95 two-day pass, $24.95 after 5 p.m. $9 parking.

$36.95 adults, $55.95 two-day pass. Free parking.

$2.50 gate admission, $20 unlimited rides for time blocks.

Free parking.

$39.99 for one day, $69.99 for a season pass.

$49.99 adult single-day admission.

Size

364 acres

120 acres

17 acres

64.5 acres

364 acres

Number of attractions

68

60 rides and water rides

37 rides and a water park

33

More than 100 things to do

Number of roller coasters

16

4

5

8

13

Number of concessions

More than 50

17 restaurants

More than 20

25

88

Annual number of visitors

More than 3 million

Expecting to top 1 million

Approximately 700,000

Not available

More than 3 million

Distance from Indianapolis

About 300 miles

About 150 miles

About 90 miles

About 115 miles

About 125 miles

Attractions not included in price

Challenge Park attractions such as Xtreme Bungee, mini golf, RipCord, Skyflyer, arcade games and gokarts. Each has its own fee.

None. Guests also receive free soft drinks, free sunscreen and free use of inner tubes at Splashin’ Safari.

Cost of admission does not include attractions or rides.

Guests can buy ride passes or individual tickets. Water park is $16.

SkyCoaster, Thrill Karts, Rock Wall, Turbo Bungy and Brunch with Bugs are extra.

Pay-as-you-play attractions include Sling Shot ($25), Days of Thunder go-carts ($3-$6) and Xtreme Skyflyer ($15).

In a word

Thrills

Value

Quaint

Worthwhile

Variety

How to avoid crowds ! Pick a day: Middle of the week tends to be the least busy, since lots of visitors make amusement parks part of a three-day weekend. Saturdays tend to be the busiest day for theme parks. Also, Holiday World isn’t busy on Sundays, according to spokeswoman Paula Werne. ! Rainy days and holidays: These can go both ways. Some people think the parks are going to busy during holidays so avoid it, but many parks say this actually makes it a good day to visit since so many people don’t come.

The same thing goes for rainy days. Of course, the reverse can be true. People think no one will be there, so they can end up being busier than usual. ! Start later: Crowds tend to die down the later you stay. Families with tired kids will leave well before the park closes, and some parks even offer reduced admission for visiting after a certain time of day. Lines should be shorter around and after dinnertime.

How to save some cash

Parks offer so many different discounts these days that you shouldn’t have to pay full price. Children and seniors usually already qualify for discounted admission. Parks sometimes offer discounts for local residents, as well. ! Don’t be afraid to ask: “Most amusement parks will tell you what offers exist and where you can obtain them by simply calling them,” according to UltimateRollercoaster.com. ! Go online: Many parks offer discounts if you buy your tickets online.

Some offer steeper discounts for ordering tickets several days in advance. ! Keep your eyes open: Also look for coupons on cans, at your local grocery store, motor club, hotels, local restaurants and businesses and even your place of business. Many parks host special days for different corporations or groups. Also, consider a season pass. They usually pay for themselves after two or three visits. ! Stay longer: Many parks also offer steep discounts on buying a ticket for a second visit either the next day or for a later date if you buy it the same day you visit. ! Go clubbing: Joining a roller coaster club has some benefits. Club activities can get you exclusive ride time, group discounts and even discounted admission to parks.

31

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8

INTERACT

FREE SPEECH

WEEK-IN-REVIEW

PERSPECTIVES

INDY FACES

P.O.V.

O F F I C E S PAC E

A little hype for local art Make getting arty with it a New Year’s resolution

Jim Walker INtake columnist

I

ndianapolis is working hard to become a city as vital in the arts as it is in sports. While the dollars going toward cultural initiatives pale in comparison with what’s being spent on sports facilities, every little bit counts.

Soon, we’ll be the only city in America with a Cultural Trail that takes lanes away from drivers so people can walk or ride to various Downtown arts destinations.

While I can envision many bikers and rollerbladers taking advantage of the new paths, I wonder how many will stop in galleries and buy something.

A lack of a local consumer base for art is the real problem Indianapolis faces in making its cultural businesses — and its cultural initiatives — successful here.

We have no shortage of talented visual artists. And, with the Herron School of Art launching an MFA program, we’ll soon have graduate art students further strengthening the art scene.

While people continue to produce lots of great stuff, a very small percentage of consumers in our metropolitan area buy work by local artists.

I wonder what each person in a big house has hanging on the walls? Fake framed art from Target? Giant wallpaper murals that make it look like you’re out in the woods?

While so many people around here — especially in the suburbs — seem to have money to burn, few have interest in investing in local artists. When I use the word “invest,” I’m not talking about something like playing the stock market. While art has a value that might increase some

day, the real investment is in the artist and the arts community.

When somebody buys a painting by a local artist at a gallery, the first thing he or she does is help keep that gallery open.

The customer also helps make it possible for the artist to keep working. This financial support is usually shared, via the artist, with local art supply stores and studio buildings where the artist works.

It’s a good feeling to know your money is helping all these important entities survive in our city. Plus, there’s something more personal about owning work by an artist you’ve met and encouraged. “The Painter of Light” Thomas Kinkade doesn’t care when you buy one of his prints of “Mountain Paradise” at the mall.

More people need to experience the joy of buying local art. In order to make it happen, people need to understand that if they value the arts at all, they need to spend some money — even a couple hundred bucks a year — to help it thrive.

The city needs to team up with arts organizations to launch an all-out marketing campaign educating consumers about the value of supporting artists and galleries.

We know TV commercials and other crafty marketing techniques convince people every day to buy the most worthless crap. Heck, I almost ordered myself a Bedazzler the other day.

It’s time to get creative and reach out to everyday people around Central Indiana and encourage them to become art consumers.

E-mail Jim at jim.walker@intakeweekly .com.

S TA F F P I C K : M A RY G A R R I S O N

Elegant ear ornaments What it is: Fabulous Betsey Johnson earrings.

What’s the buzz? So, I’m not really a label whore, but one has to admit that objects with a name on them are more glamorous than those without. Throughout this holiday season, I was wowed by the various designer labels I saw on store racks in this town. The stripmall boutique Frankey’s, for example, has an Alexander McQueen coat in its store. McQueen from a strip mall? For there to finally be a market for these kinds of goods in Indy lets me know that my quaint hometown is far more cosmopolitan (and a lot bigger) than I grew up believing. The best part about these earrings? Besides being adorable, they were a Christmas present from my BFF Richard, which means I didn’t have to pay for them.

Cost: Your guess is as good as mine. All I know is they were free for me.

Where can I get them? He got these at Nordstrom, where there were many other accessories from Betsey.

Thursday, January 4, 2007 INtake

NIGHT MOVES

The seven sins: Deadly or divine?

Take your pick

I

was not so much a fan of the movie “Se7en,” but I am very much a fan of the seven deadly sins.

And Brad Pitt, of course.

Actually, I think Brad Pitt is causing me to commit one of the seven deadly sins right now. (Take a guess which.)

But that’s beside the point.

I actually own a book called “The 7 Lively Sins: How to Enjoy Your Life, Dammit,” which — surprise, surprise — puts a positive spin on sins like sloth, envy and gluttony.

I’ve been a fan of author Karen Salmansohn’s over-the-top funny, visually entertaining self-helpwithout-the-psychobabble style Kimiko since a friend turned me on to Martinez “How To Be Happy, Dammit” a INtake columnist couple years ago. I now also own “Enough, Dammit: A Cynic’s Guide to Finally Getting What You Want out of Life,” “How to Make Your Man Behave in 21 Days or Less Using the Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers” and “Even God Is Single, So Stop Giving Me A Hard Time.”

They’re all as entertaining as the titles imply and surprisingly insightful as well.

These colorful, picture-packed books are the type you’d find near the checkout line at Borders or recommended as graduation gifts. And rightly so. Salmansohn understands that ours is a generation of confused, well-intentioned people who are f’ed up in the head and have the attention span of a gnat.

Hence all the pictures. Oooooh look! Something shiny!

Ahem. Back to the seven sins. To review (if you didn’t read Jim Walker’s cover story last week, shame on you), they are: Lust (hellllo, Brad Pitt), wrath (I’m a Scorpio, don’t get on my bad side), envy (I wish I had a nice car like that), greed (mine, all mine!), sloth (can you pass me the remote?), gluttony (burrrrrrrrp) and pride (“take another picture . . . wait, one more, let me pose, try again”).

Really, it all equals one heaping helping of guilt.

And as a good old Lutheran girl (Lutheranism equals Catholic-lite), I think I know a thing or two about guilt. Heck, it’s taken me how many years to get over my need to please, perfect and impress?

Sure, I agree with the “all things in moderation” mantra. But I also think that indulging in these “sins” occasionally is no need for a week of purging, fasting or Hail Marys. No, I lean more toward the Buddhist mindset in that intent is perhaps more important than an action itself. In other words, a good deed is not always a good deed if the intent was not good.

Similarly, these “sins” aren’t always sinful if they weren’t intended to be. (I know, I know. It’s a philosophical mess, but I don’t have enough time to explain. You get the point.)

For example, enjoying an over-the-top meal at the Pope’s table with a lazy Susan full of pasta, fish, chicken, etc. — wine flowing, cocktails tipping, laughter aplenty — is not necessarily gluttony. It’s food for your soul. It’s not a sin; it’s a blessing.

And this year, my resolution isn’t to “sin” less, but more. Especially if Brad Pitt comes to town.

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