Little Miss Sunshine Perusal Libretto Vocal Book by mtieurope

M u s i c & Ly r i c s b y

W i l l i a m F i n n

B o o k b y

J a m e s L a p i n e

B a s e d o n t h e f i l m L i t t l e M i s s S u n s h i n e w r i t t e n b y M i c h a e l A r n d t

W WAIT! AIT!

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RICHARD HOOVER

SHERYL HOOVER

GRANDPA

OLIVE HOOVER

DWAYNE HOOVER

UNCLE FRANK

LARRY SUGARMAN

BUDDY DEAN GARDNER

DOCTOR

LINDA MISS CALIFORNIA

JOSHUA ROSE

KIRBY

FUNERAL HOME WORKER

BRIDGET/ MEAN GIRL

TRACEE/MEAN GIRL

D’BORAH/MEAN GIRL

CHELSEA (optional)

Note: LMS was originally performed with the above cast of 6M – 2F – 4Girls. The parts could easily be assigned to more actors and as many pageant girls as you desire.

1 T h e Wa y O f T h e Wo r l d FA M I LY ( e x c e p t D w a y n e ) ......1

2 F o r T h e F i r s t Ti m e I n M y L i f e O L I V E , G I R L S , FA M I LY ( e x c e p t D w a y n e ) 1

3 . T h e H a p p i e s t G u y I n T h e Va n .................................................... G R A N D PA .... 2 6

4 P u s h i n g T h e B u s FA M I LY ( e x c e p t D w a y n e ) 3 2

4 a Ti m e L a p s e # 2 3 5

5 . A l w a y s M a k e s M e P r o u d ............................................. S H E RY L , R I C H A R D .... 3

5 b . A f t e r “ P o o r O l i v e ” .............................................................................................. 4 5

6 H o w H a v e I B e e n ? F R A N K , J O S H U A , L A R RY 4 6

6 a F o r g e t t i n g O l i v e 5 2

6 b Tr a n s i t i o n To M o t e l 5 4

7 . M o t e l S e q u e n c e ( P a r t 1 ) ............................................... R I C H A R D , S H E RY L .... 5 5

7 a . T h e M o s t B e a u t i f u l G i r l I n T h e Wo r l d ........................................ G R A N D PA .... 5 6

7 b . M o t e l S e q u e n c e ( P a r t 2 ) ............................................... R I C H A R D , S H E RY L .... 5 8

8 S o m e t h i n g B e t t e r B e t t e r H a p p e n S H E RY L 5 9

8 a S o m e t h i n g B e t t e r ( I n s t r u m e n t a l ) 6 0

9 N o t h i n g G e t s I n T h e Wa y R I C H A R D , S H E RY L , F R A N K , O L I V E 6 5

9 a . B u s P u s h # 3 ......................................................................................................... 6 9

1 0 . S o m e t h i n g B e t t e r R e p r i s e ............................. R I C H A R D , S H E RY L , F R A N K , ........................................................................................ O L I V E , E N S E M B L E .... 6 9

1 0 a Ti m e L a p s e # 3 7 0

1 0 b D w a y n e D WAY N E 7 3

1 0 c To T h e H o l i d a y I n n 7 5

11 . Tr a n s i t i o n To G a m e R o o m .................................................................................. 7 9

1 2 W h a t Yo u L e f t B e h i n d R I C H A R D 8 3

1 2 a A f t e r L e f t B e h i n d 8 4

1 3 P a g e a n t M u s i c 8 5

1 3 a . P a r a d e M u s i c ....................................................................................................... 8 5

1 3 b . M i s s C a l i f o r n i a F a n f a r e ......................................................................................

1 4 . L M S P a g e a n t T h e m e .......................... M I S S C A L I F O R N I A , B U D D Y, G I R L S .... 8 6

1 4 a D o l o r M I S S C A L I F O R N I A 8 8

1 5 T h

1 6 P o g o S t i

1 7 . S h a k e Yo u r B a d o n k a d o n k ............................... O L I V E , R I C H A R D , F R A N K , ........................................................................................ S H E RY L , D WAY N E .... 9 3

1 7 a . B a d o n k a d o n k P l a y o f f ......................................................................................... 9 6 1 8 F

(Preset: An empty stage

The stage fades to black. In the darkness we hear a faint tapping noise. Perhaps the percussion in the band picks up the beat Lights rise on one side of the stage to reveal GRANDPA, a man in his late 60’s and a little worse for wear, chopping cocaine with a credit card on a table He snorts a line and lets out happy whoop

On the other side of the stage we discover FRANK, an academic, sitting in a wheelchair staring at Grandpa His wrists are bandaged from a recent suicide attempt He looks to us:)

(SHERYL, Frank’s older sister)

(As they sing, DWAYNE enters. He is Sheryl’s teenage son. HE brings a chair. [Note: during the following chairs and tables will appear and eventually configure into the Hoover dining room.] Dwayne then begins exercising, moving among them; he will continue coming and going throughout the song but will not sing )

(GRANDPA goes to do another line of cocaine; RICHARD, his son and Sheryl’s husband, enters and rolls the table away from him, wiping away the cocaine )

Sheryl

O L I V E

I W O U L D L I K E TO B E

T H E F I R S T M I S S A M E R I C A

F R O M N E W M E X I C O

I K N O W

I T ’ S N E V E R H A P P E N E D B E F O R E

A N D I K N O W

I T P R O B A B LY N E V E R W I L L

N O T U N T I L

T H E D AY T H AT I B E C O M E . . .

D U M D I D D Y D U M D U M

D U M D I G G Y D U M !

B U M B U M B U M B U M B U M !

T H E F I R S T M I S S A M E R I C A

F R O M N E W M E X I C O

I T H I N K T H AT ’ S T H E WAY O F T H E W O R L D

T H AT ’ S G O N N A B E T H E WAY O F T H E W O R L D

(They look at Olive, then us) O T H E R S

D O N ’ T A S K I F Y

(The stage has now been transformed to the Hoover dining room. Sheryl and Frank remain on stage, Frank holding his suitcase looking bewildered; Sheryl holding a couple of bags of KFC.)

Hello! Olive! Dwayne! (noticing Frank)

Just put your bag down, Frank (DWAYNE enters.)

Dwayne Look who’s here You remember your Uncle Frank?

(Frank raises his bandaged right arm and gives Dwayne a little wave instead of a handshake Dwayne stares at him blankly )

Help me set the table please. Frank, what do you want to drink?

Perrier is fine

(Laughs)

Maybe we have some club soda.

F R A N K

S H E R Y L

(She goes into the kitchen. Dwayne sets the table.)

F R A N K

What? You don’t talk?

(Dwayne rolls his eyes and half-shrugs.)

You can talk You just choose not to?

(Dwayne nods.)

Got a girlfriend?

(Dwayne shakes his head “ no ”.)

Boyfriend?

(Dwayne stops and shoots Frank a look.)

Kidding. Kidding. (beat)

So who do you hang out with?

(Dwayne reaches in his shirt pocket and pulls out his cell phone. He types and then shows the screen to Frank. Sheryl enters and plops down a salad bowl and a bottle of soda.)

(reads aloud)

“I hate everyone ” What about your family?

(Dwayne feverishly underlines something. He shows it to Frank.)

“Everyone ”

S H E R Y L

You’re so funny, Dwayne You really are

(to Frank)

Sprite We’re out of club soda Sit down, Frank

(Richard enters. Stops cold when he sees Frank.)

Hello, Frank

Hello, Rich

How are you feeling?

Well, actually I’m fine

(beat)

I’m starved. Where is everyone else?

(yells)

Dad! Olive! DINNER!

(O.S.)

We’re coming!

R I C H A R D

F R A N K

R I C H A R D

F R A N K

R I C H A R D

O L I V E

F R A N K

So, Sheryl, why exactly is Dwayne not speaking?

R I C H A R D

Dwayne wants to join the Air Force Academy and become a test pilot.

S H E R Y L

He’s taken a vow of silence until he reaches that goal.

R I C H A R D

(Slaps Dwayne on the back proudly)

It’s been 85 days.

F R A N K O-kay.

(OLIVE enters from the basement. She is followed by GRANDPA.)

O L I V E

Hi, Uncle Frank! I heard you were coming! Yay!

F R A N K

Olive, look at you!

(Olive runs to him, throws herself into his wounded arms and gives him a kiss on the cheek. She sees the bandages on Frank’s wrists.)

O L I V E

What happened to your arms?

Olive

I had a little accident I’m okay now

S H E R Y L

F R A N K

O L I V E

What kind of accident?

(Grandpa scowls at Frank)

Honey, leave Uncle Frank alone

Hello, Mr Hoover

You remember my brother Frank?

Yeah

(surveys the table)

What is this?! KFC again?

All right, Dad

R I C H A R D

F R A N K

S H E R Y L

R A N D P A

R I C H A R D

G R A N D P A

This isn’t really chicken At Sunset Village they plucked the chickens fresh

S H E R Y L so go eat at Sunset Village

G R A N D P A

(to Frank)

You eat this crap, you don’t take a dump for a week

S H E R Y L

Oooo

All right, Dad Sit down!

(Grandpa sits)

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

So, how’s your new routine coming, Olive?

O L I V E

Really good Gramps taught me a cool move today

G R A N D P A

She’s a natural

Well, when do we get to see

R I C H A R D

G R A N D P A (combative)

It’s too soon. We’re not ready!

S H E R Y L

I bet it’s great, Olive. (Grandpa makes a growling noise and paws his hands in the air. Olive responds with the same. Everyone observes this for a moment, and then:) (to Frank)

Spring break, Olive visited cousin Jeff in California and he entered her in a beauty contest down there.

F R A N K

That sounds like something Jeff would do.

O L I V E

I came in second.

Yes she did!

G R A N D P A

O L I V E

There were only three of us in the contest. And the girl who came in last had a leg brace.

F R A N K

Uh huh.

O L I V E

Now I’m gonna compete for Albuquerque’s Little Miss Chili Bean Contest. (Olive hangs on Frank and stares at his wrists.)

G R A N D P A

And she’s gonna knock ‘ em dead.

Cole slaw, please

R I C H A R D

O L I V E

Uncle Frank, how did your accident happen?

S H E R Y L

Honey

(She shakes her head: “Don’t go there.”)

F R A N K

No, it’s okay Unless you object

I object Sit down, Olive

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

Olive, Uncle Frank didn’t really have an accident

R I C H A R D

Sheryl

S H E R Y L

What happened was: he tried to kill himself

R I C H A R D

Sheryl, stop!

You tried to kill yourself?!

O L I V E

S H E R Y L

Don’t worry honey He didn’t try very hard

R I C H A R D

Olive Sit down and eat your tenders and tots This is not appropriate dinner conversation.

(Frank looks at Olive and nods to her She goes and sits in her seat )

G R A N D P A

So, Richard, did you see that the Sun Devils made it to the NCAA Championship?

R I C H A R D

(annoyed)

Yes, Dad, I know.

(uncomfortable silence)

You still playing baseball, Rich?

Sometimes on the weekends

(serving her)

I want you to have some cole slaw.

Yuck.

F R A N K

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

O L I V E

S H E R Y L

You need your fiber. Two bites or no dessert.

(Dwayne is reading while he eats.)

What are you reading, Dwayne?

(he holds up the book)

Nietzsche Wow

(Dwayne puts the book down.)

F R A N K

So, you really haven’t spoken in 85 days?

(Dwayne shrugs. He doesn’t care to comment.)

R I C H A R D

He hasn’t said a word Maybe we could all learn something from what Dwayne’s doing! I was thinking about my Ten Steps to Success...

G R A N D P A

Oh, for crying out loud...!

(evenly)

R I C H A R D

…about my Ten Steps to Success, and how Dwayne’s utilizing at least seven of them in his journey to personal fulfillment.

F R A N K

What are the Ten Steps?

Don’t get him started!

G R A N D P A

S H E R Y L

Stop it, Grandpa

(to Frank)

When Richard was laid-off he began a blog about being unemployed and he came up with this interesting self-help program. It kind of took-off on the internet.

R I C H A R D

Six hundred and twenty followers and counting! And I got approached by a well-known agent: R I C H A R D , S H E R Y L , O L I V E

Stan Gross

R I C H A R D

He’s going to the Southwest Book Fair this weekend to pitch the blog as a book

O L I V E

I think Daddy is going to be famous!

S H E R Y L

Is Stan there yet?

R I C H A R D

Should be He didn’t call my cell Did he call here?

S H E R Y L

I dunno Check the phone?

(to Frank who has been trying to cut his chicken with plastic utensils)

Oh, Frank Just use your fingers

(Richard presses a button on the phone machine.) M A C H I N E V

One new message:

E ( V . O . )

J E F F ( V . O . )

Sheryl, hey, it’s Jeff Listen, you know when Olive was runner-up out here in the regional Little Miss Sunshine well, they just called me and said that the girl who won had to forfeit her crown Something about her using diet pills

O L I V E

(jumps up)

What?

J E F F ( V . O . )

so that means Olive won the Regional and has a place at the Redondo Beach finals.

WHAT?

O L I V E

J E F F ( V . O . )

Unfortunately, Regina and I already have plans to be in Maui, so we ’ re hoping you will bring her out to compete on Sunday.

(Over the above, Olive reacts with involuntary spasms of shock, disbelief, and then pure, unadulterated euphoria. She waits trembling to hear the whole message. When it ends, she puts her hands to her temples and screams:)

O L I V E

Aaahhhhhhh!!! Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I gotta pack! I gotta go pack!

R I C H A R D

Wait, Olive, finish your dinner!

(As she rushes off and disappears:)

(O.S.)

I’m finished!

That’s great news!

O L I V E

G R A N D P A

S H E R Y L

There goes my weekend. I guess I’ll fly down with her and come back Monday morning.

(Sheryl begins to throw the plates in a garbage container. Throughout the following, she wraps the leftover chicken in Saran Wrap. Dwayne exits.)

G R A N D P A

What about me? I’m the one who’s been coaching her.

R I C H A R D

Right. Like we can afford for anybody to fly.

S H E R Y L

Okay, I’ll drive down.

R I C H A R D

In the Kia? Fine, but there’s only room for you and—

G R A N D P A

I’m going.

Grandpa, I really don’t think—

S H E R Y L

G R A N D P A

I showed her the moves! I have to be there!

R I C H A R D

Why don’t you take Grandpa’s VW?

S H E R Y L

You know I can’t drive a stick-shift, Richard!

F R A N K

That old hippie bus in the driveway?

G R A N D P A (smacks him on the arm)

You gotta problem with my bus?

Excuse me! (to Sheryl)

Boundaries!

F R A N K

G R A N D P A (to Richard) I’ll drive.

R I C H A R D

Your license was revoked, Dad!

So what?

G R A N D P A

(Dwayne enters with a box of popsicles, which he drops on the table They all help themselves.)

S H E R Y L

Richard, you ’ re going to have to drive us

R I C H A R D

Are you kidding? This is an important weekend for me I have to be around if Stan needs me

S H E R Y L

What’s the difference? You’ll still be reachable.

R I C H A R D

It’s not the same. He might want me to

This means a lot to Olive

(beat; He knows he has no choice.)

Okay, okay. I’ll drive the bus.

Yeah!

What about Dwayne and Frank?

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

G R A N D P A

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

They can stay here.

(Dwayne and Frank look at each other.)

S H E R Y L

That won’t work.

Why not?

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

Richard, I was told explicitly by the doctor that I could not leave Frank alone. No offense, Frank.

F R A N K

They said that?

So! Dwayne can look after him.

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

We can’t leave Dwayne. Remember the plea bargain: Adult supervision till he’s seventeen.

R I C H A R D

So?! Frank’s an adult! They can look after each other!

S H E R Y L

No, Richard! If something happened... !

R I C H A R D

Well, I guess Olive can’t go then! I mean, unless we take Frank and Dwayne with us!

(A pause. All eyes turn to Frank and Dwayne. Dwayne begins vigorously shaking his head “No”. Sheryl goes and puts her arms around Frank.)

S H E R Y L

Frankie, be a good uncle Please? What do you say?

(Frank has a pained expression on his face. It’s like he’s giving birth to this answer forcing it out of himself:)

F R A N K

O-kay.

Dwayne?

Suck it up, Dwayne.

Do it for your sister.

S H E R Y L

G R A N D P A

R I C H A R D

(Dwayne shakes his head “ no ” and moves away from them, but Sheryl stops him in his tracks.)

S H E R Y L

Flight school

What?

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

I’ll give you permission for flight school

R I C H A R D

Sheryl! Don’t I have a say in this?

S H E R Y L

Dwayne, come on A road trip it’ll be fun

(Dwayne types on the cell phone. Richard and Sheryl read it.)

F R A N K

What did he say?

“But I’m not going to have any fun ”

R I C H A R D

F R A N K

We’re with you on that one, Dwayne

(Olive re-enters, lugging her suitcase she is breathless, flushed with excitement.)

O L I V E

I’m all packed. Grandpa? Is Grandpa coming to California?

You think I would miss this?

R A N D P A

We’re all coming O L I V E

Everyone? Thank you, Dwayne! Thank you!

(she runs over and gives him a hug) R I C H A R D

Hold on Olive, one moment

L I V E

What? R I C H A R D

Come here

What?

L I V E

(Olive walks over to him and he sits her down.)

R I C H A R D

Now there’s no sense in our going all the way to California if you don’t think you ’ re going to win. Do you think you can win Little Miss Sunshine? O L I V E

Well, I don’t know if I’m good enough.

(Lights down on Olive as she gazes into space Three popular mean girls appear They represent all that is insecure about Olive.)

(They cackle and leave.)

(he pulls Olive’s focus back)

Olive. Yes or no? Remember my Step Number Eight:

“Don’t let anything or anyone get in your way!”

(The girls magically appear again )

She’s the pits.

(They cackle and disappear.)

Olive, pay attention. If you believe you can succeed, then you can succeed. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks It’s what you think

(Lights down on Olive as girls come up right behind her)

(cutting the girls off)

Yes, I can win it!

(Richard smiles and slaps the table.) R I C H A R D

Then we ’ re goin’ to California!

(The family continues final trip preparations around them as Olive banishes the girls )

F O R T H E F I R S T T I M E I N M Y L I F E ,

F O R T H E F I R S T T I M E I N M Y L I F E .

Y O U M E A N G I R L S ,

F O R T H E F I R S T T I M E I N M Y L I F E , Y O U G I R L S W H O H AV E TO RT U R E D M E ,

I A M F I N A L LY F I N A L LY

F I N A L LY F I N A L LY

F I N A L LY L E AV I N G B E H I N D

F O R T H E F I R S T T I M E I N O U R L I F E ,

R I C H A R D

W E ’ R E G O I N G S O M E W H E R E

(The bus now comes together as Olive jumps into her seat.)

S C E N E T W O – T H E B U S

(Richard is driving. Sheryl rides shotgun. Frank and Grandpa are in the second row. Dwayne and Olive sit in the third row. Olive stands and leans on the back of the seat between Frank and Grandpa.)

O L I V E

How much longer?

S H E R Y L

Honey, we ’ ve only been on the road for two hours

O L I V E

Ask the map bitch how long ‘til we get there

R I C H A R D Olive! O L I V E

That’s what Grandpa calls her

S H E R Y L

You should know by now not to listen to your Grandfather ’ s language

F R A N K

I think it’s a hilarious name

(Dwayne laughs loudly.)

G R A N D P A

So ask the map bitch I love her voice

R I C H A R D

Dad, knock it off

(Sheryl taps a GPS device that is hung near the steering wheel.)

Continue on US 1-40 for nine hours and six minutes to US 1-10

(There is a collective moan.)

Next rest stop: 25 miles where you will find the largest McDonald’s PlayPlace in the Southwest.

O L I V E

Can we stop at McDonald’s?

R I C H A R D

You know what we discussed; every three hours. Then by the third stop, we’ll be at the motel

Go over your routine in your head

G R A N D P A

O L I V E

I already did that about a hundred times (beat)

Uncle Frank — why did you want to kill yourself?

R I C H A R D

Frank, don’t answer that question.

(Frank stares at Richard He turns back to Olive )

F R A N K

I tried to kill myself because I was very unhappy.

R I C H A R D

Don’t listen, honey, he’s a sick individual and he doesn’t know what he’s...

S H E R Y L

Richard!

Why were you unhappy?

O L I V E

F R A N K

Well, there were a lot of reasons. Mainly, though, I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back

O L I V E

Who?

One of my graduate students —

Anyone want to play a game?

What student?

His name is Joshua Rose.

Too much information, Frank...

F R A N K

R I C H A R D

O L I V E

F R A N K

R I C H A R D

O L I V E

You’re gay? I didn’t know you were gay.

Yep

F R A N K

O L I V E

Why didn’t anyone tell me Uncle Frank was gay?

S H E R Y L

You know what “ gay ” is, honey?

Duh Lucy is transgender, Mom

O L I V E

S H E R Y L (stunned)

What? Lucy? Lucy Peterson? The one you had the playdate with last week?

O L I V E

Yeah. She was Bob in my second grade class. Remember Bob?

S H E R Y L

Un huh.

Wow.

F R A N K

(They sit stunned by this little piece of news. Sheryl and Richard look to one another speechless.)

S H E R Y L

How did I not know this?

O L I V E

You guys never read my homeroom flyers

R I C H A R D

We’re going to be reading them from now on

G R A N D P A

Let’s talk about something else

R I C H A R D

Okay, now we all know about Uncle Frank

O L I V E

I don’t know What happened to Joshua Rose? (she moves to the front with Frank)

F R A N K

Well, I invited a fellow Proust scholar from Brown to lecture at my seminar Dr Lawrence Sugarman. He took one look at Joshua, and stole him away.

It was the first time I had fallen in love

That’s sad

That’s very sad, Frank

And that’s why I slit my wrists, Olive

Olive, what’s important to understand is that Uncle Frank gave up on himself

(leaps forward and grabs Richard’s shoulder)

What the hell do you know? I didn’t give up on myself

(Richard tries to push him off)

Then what do you call it? It was a desperate measure

Keep your eye on the road!

# 2 a S w e r v e

(the car swerves; EVERYONE screams; SHERYL pushes Frank back down)

Settle down, Frank! Everyone, just settle down!

(beat)

I told you to leave him home...

# 2 b T i m e L a p s e # 1

(We see signs for Winslow, AZ

Olive now sits in the back with Frank. She wears a large set of headphones that completely cover her ears She does little half-dancing moves to the music Grandpa and Dwayne sit in the middle seat.)

M A P B I T C H ( V . O . )

Continue on 1-40 for seven hours and seventeen minutes The next rest stop will be in 30 miles next to the Yavapai-Apache Reservation. While filling up, you might want to visit the Teepee Souvenir Shop and make sure to see their native turquoise jewelry and dream-catchers!

(Silence. They’ve been driving a while. Finally:)

G R A N D P A

God, I’m bored. I am so goddamn bored.

R I C H A R D

Dad, would you please watch your language.

G R A N D P A

Freedom of speech! You’re like those Nazis at Sunset Village. What’s wrong with a little colorful language?

F R A N K

What’s Sunset Village anyway?

R I C H A R D

A senior living facility. Except a certain senior was not quite mature enough, as it turned out.

F R A N K

What happened there?

Frank, don’t encourage him.

S H E R Y L

G R A N D P A

I’ll tell you what happened! I paid my money, and I shoulda’ been able to do what I wanted!

S H E R Y L

You started doing drugs.

Drugs?

(to Dwayne)

F R A N K

G R A N D P A

So what? And don’t you get any ideas. When you ’ re young, you ’ re crazy to do that stuff Don’t go near drugs until you ’ re on social security

F R A N K

Sunset Village sounds like a swinging place

It was paradise! They cook for you Clean for you You got golf A pool Now I’m stuck sleeping on the sofa!

There must be other places.

They won’t take him.

The word is out on you, Grandpa.

(to Frank)

H E R Y L

There’s four women for every guy at those joints There was this amazing Korean gal

Dad! Please! Olive is in the car

She’s listening to music !

(Olive is oblivious.)

Okay, but still, the rest of us, especially Dwayne...

(to Dwayne)

Oh, Dwayne Can I give you some advice? (Dwayne shakes his head “ no”)

I’ll do it anyway

Great.

I can’t wait to hear this.

Whoa no no no!

Please, Dad! F R A N K

Haha G

Richard, please! R I C H A R D

Oh, God! F R A N K

This is gonna be good

He’s going

He’s gone

All right, stop!

You’ve made your point

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

You’ve made it over and over and over

G R A N D P A Y O U R PA R E N T S D O N ’ T H AV E S E X , A S FA R A S I

S H E R Y L

What do you know about our sex life?

R I C H A R D

Don’t even start with him!

Annoying?

G R A N D P A

T H AT ’ S W H Y T H E Y ’ R E Y E L L I N G M Y G O D , T H E Y ’ R E A N N O Y I N G S H E R Y L

G R A N D P A

T H AT I S T H E S O U N D O F T H E S E X

T H E Y H AV E N O T B E E N E N J O Y I N G . S O S O N , T H E F I - R E T H AT B U R N S I N Y O U R T H I G H S , I F U N

R E L E A S E D W I L L

This is fascinating.

(All groan)

L O U S Y S E X O R VA N I L L A I D O N ’ T K N O W W H AT TO N A M E I T, B U T I B L A M E I T O N S E X

Got that right.

(Olive sees Frank grinning at Grandpa. She takes off her headphones and turns around.)

What are you guys talking about?

Health care.

Boring. Let’s play a game.

What game, Olive?

S H E R Y L

O L I V E

Grandmother ’ s Trunk Do you know that game Uncle Frank?

F R A N K

Can’t say that I do, Olive

O L I V E

It’s my most very very (Suddenly there is a loud bang followed by a grinding noise.)

S H E R Y L

What is that?

I can’t get the gearshift to work

Yeah, it did that once before

What was it?

I don’t remember

R I C H A R D

G R A N D P A

R I C H A R D

G R A N D P A

(There is a squealing noise. Smoke begins to fill the car.)

S H E R Y L

Pull over Richard

What do you think I’m doing?

There’s smoke in the van!

R I C H A R D

G R A N D P A

(They pull over. Richard shuts off the car and they pile out. Richard goes to the trunk area to look at the motor )

R I C H A R D

Let me check the engine.

(Dwayne meanwhile goes to the driver’s seat and takes a look at the clutch. After examining it, he lets out a loud moan)

S H E R Y L

What is it, Dwayne?

R I C H A R D

What?

(He types on his phone. Sheryl reads:)

S H E R Y L

“The clutch cable broke ”

What does that mean, Dwayne?

(He types and she reads.)

“We’re fucked ”

O L I V E

(Sheryl goes to give him a smack, but Dwayne makes a hasty retreat.)

S H E R Y L

There was a filling station about a mile back.

R I C H A R D

This is not something a filling station can fix.

S H E R Y L

Then where do we get a new cable?

Nowhere on a Saturday is my guess.

(starts to cry)

F R A N K

O L I V E

Daddy, does that mean we ’ re not going to make it to the pageant? (Beat.)

R I C H A R D

No I think we ’ re gonna have to try and push the bus

(They look at each other, confused. They begin to protest as Richard goes over to the passenger side and opens the door He puts the car in neutral

Overlapping: )

Push? All the way to California?

Dwayne you have to help us!

F R A N K

O L I V E

S H E R Y L

Honey, there’s gotta be a mechanic nearby.

Call AAA!

G R A N D P A

R I C H A R D

Quiet! Okay! Frank and Dwayne, you take the center position in the back Olive and Grandpa and Sheryl on the outside.

G R A N D P A

I have a hernia.

R I C H A R D

Dad, I want you and your hernia in first. Then Olive. Dwayne, you help them.

O L I V E

Okay, Daddy. I refuse to lose!

R I C H A R D

That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Let’s go!

G R A N D P A

I couldn’t run when I was thirty.

Do your best!

Get into your positions! Ready?

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

F R A N K

Excuse me! I just want everyone here to know I’m the pre-eminent Proust scholar in the United States.

R I C H A R D

(beat; no one gives a shit) Okay.

(They begin to push, very slowly and with great effort The groaning is audible and rhythmic.)

# 4 P u s h i n g T h e B u s

Step 4! (very slowly)

. Push!

This isn’t working It’s a van It doesn’t wanna go

H E R Y L

Richard, this is stupid O L I V E

Mom! I wanna make this pageant!

R I C H A R D

Let’s change it up a little bit Sheryl, you get up front Olive behind her

Push!

(They don’t move.)

R I C H A R D

C’mon, c ’ mon. We can do this. No quitting. Dwayne, you get in the middle. Grandpa on the other side so you can get in first.

F R A N K

That’ll change everything.

(They take their positions and push. Nothing.)

(gradually gaining speed)

Rock it!

(variously)

I’m getting in!

U N ! !

L L

(The bus begins to move And move, until they have to run to keep up with it ) S H E R Y L

Slow down Richard, slow down! R I C H A R D

I can’t! I can’t slow down!

(Grandpa huffs and puffs his way into the car with Dwayne and Frank helping him up.)

Olive next!

C’mon!

G R A N D P A

(Olive races to the door and Sheryl helps her up as Grandpa pulls her inside.

Sheryl is now running alongside of the van as she tries to get her foot on the running board.) S H E R Y L

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

(Grandpa reaches out, and Sheryl grabs his arms and pulls herself into the van.) F R A N K

Help your uncle, Dwayne! Help your uncle!

(Frank has begun to flag. Dwayne drops back and sprints alongside his uncle. He grabs his arm and ushers him forward )

Uncle Frank! Uncle Frank!

(Eventually Dwayne gets directly behind Frank and pushes him towards the door. Sheryl reaches out to help Frank and he screams as he dives in the car.

Then she and Grandpa try to pull Dwayne in, but he can’t hold on and falls way behind.)

S H E R Y L

Richard, you ’ ve got to slow down! Hit the brake!

Hustle!

I can’t slow down!

Come on, Dwayne!!!

(Dwayne digs deep With everything he has, he runs to catch up to the bus Desperate, he runs alongside it as Sheryl, Olive, Grandpa and Frank all lean out to grab him and with a great flourish pull him in the bus as the MUSIC buttons.)

F R A N K

(to Dwayne; panting)

No child left behind! Outstanding, soldier! Outstanding!

In one quarter mile, expect delays There is a dead elk on the West bound lane of 1-40. No rubbernecking, please!

(We see a sign for: Flagstaff, Arizona

They switch places. Frank is in the middle; Sheryl is in the front seat. Olive and Dwayne are listening to their iPods Frank and Grandpa are asleep Sheryl and Richard drive in silence for a moment.)

I’m starting to get antsy

We’ll stop for gas in Flagstaff

Do we have to wait that long?

Yeah

Why?

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

You know why We’ll never get to the pageant on time (Sheryl joins in)

if we don’t keep to a schedule

S H E R Y L (beat)

It’s so pretty here.

R I C H A R D

Yeah. Not exactly a vacation, though.

S H E R Y L

Sorry that you have to do all the driving.

R I C H A R D

I don’t mind it so much.

S H E R Y L

Strange being back in the bus. How long has it been?

R I C H A R D

Since Dad got booted from Sunset Village.

S H E R Y L

That was not a happy memory...

Oh yeah.

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

I’m glad we never got rid of this old thing.

R I C H A R D

Really? You like this bus?

S H E R Y L

Well, it is the closest thing we’ll ever have to a family heirloom.

(She reaches over and begins rubbing the back of Richard’s neck. He let’s out a little gratified sigh )

# 4 b F l a s h b a c k T r a n s i t i o n

R I C H A R D

That feels really nice...

(MUSIC Flashback 17 years The VW bus spins 180-degrees and we go from daylight to nighttime. Frank, Grandpa, Olive and Dwayne disappear and the rear seats have come down Richard crawls into the back He has long hair and begins laying out an air mattress. He calls to Sheryl.)

Come back here, Sheryl

(from the front)

S H E R Y L

Richard, hold your horses. Are you sure we ’ re okay parked here?

R I C H A R D

It’s deserted.

I can’t believe you wanna do this.

Just think of it as the dorm room.

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

The dorm room has a bed, Richard. Fooling around in a car is so high school.

R I C H A R D

Well, we don’t have much choice unless you want to go back to your parents’ house, which you don’t.

(Richard goes to kiss her; she pulls away and walks outside.)

S H E R Y L

I need to know something, Richard.

R I C H A R D

What? What’s wrong?

We need to talk.

Okay.

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

(She sits. He joins her.)

Are you in love?

(beat)

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

Well, yes, I am in love, Sheryl Are you in love?

S H E R Y L

That’s the thing I don’t know

Thanks

What do you want, Richard?

Huh?

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

What do you want? What are your ambitions?

R I C H A R D

(beat)

Well, for starters, I want the Sun Devils to be the conference champs.

S H E R Y L

Then what?

Then I want to get drafted as a pro.

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

You think that will ever happen?

R I C H A R D

I’ve got a shot to get picked up in the minors.

S H E R Y L

(skeptical)

Okay. What else? I mean, after that? In life.

R I C H A R D

Is this a job interview?

(Sheryl clears her throat, impatiently)

Okay, I want big things, Sheryl. I want to make a lot of money and

I don’t care about that I worry that we have nothing in common other than we ’ re hot for each other.

Being hot for each other is very important. # 5 A l w a y s M a k e M e P r o u d

I’m late (MUSIC stops.)

What? S H E R Y L

You heard me I’m late R I C H A R D

How’d that happen? S H E R Y L

The usual way: Someone was supposed to be careful

How late?

Not that late

So you don’t even know if—

No. But I am going to have to find out. What are we going to do if...?

(nervous)

Are you saying you might want to have it? S H E R Y L

I don’t know, Richard. I don’t know if we even have a future together. R I C H A R D

(beat; hurt)

Well, what do you want, Sheryl? S H E R Y L

B U T T H E M A N I L O V E

I H O P E W I L L

S O M E T I M E S M A K E M E L A U G H ;

I H O P E T H E

’ T A L L I N V

H O M E P L AT E T H AT ’ S W H AT I ’ M A F R A I D O F

J U S T W H AT A R E W E M A D E O F ?

‘ C A U S E , R I C H A R D , I D O N ’ T WA N T TO L E AV E I T U P TO FAT E

T H E M A N I H O P E TO F I N D M U S T S TA N D O U T I N A N Y C R O W D , S O M E O N E W I T H

I N

, A N D W H O I N D E F E AT ’ S U N B O W E D Y E S T H E M A N I L O V E I H O P E W I L L O F T E N M A K E M E L A U G H ; B U T A LWAY S M A K E M E P R O U D R I C H A R D I W I L L G L A D LY W E D K N O W I N G T H AT I ’ L L L O V E Y O U M O R E H O P E F U L LY, I N T I M E , Y O U ’ L L L E A R N TO S E E W H AT W E , I N FA C T, M A R R I E D F O R

B U T I C A N ’ T B E L I E V E Y O U ’ L L H AV E M E

( R I C H A R D )

A N D W H O K N E W I ’ D B E S O W O W E D

I ’ L L A LWAY S M A K E Y O U P R O U D

R I C H A R D

S O W O N ’ T Y O U C O M E

TO T H E B A C K O F T H E B U S

W H E R E I ’ L L G L A D LY D I S C U S S

W H AT ’ S W R O N G A N D R I G H T.

A H , C O M E A N D F I G H T W I T H M E , S H E RY L

I W I L L

L O V E Y O U M O R E

I ’ L L A LWAY S M A K E

Y O U P R O U D S H E R Y L

S H E R Y L

I L O V E Y O U R I C H A R D .

R I C H A R D

I ’ L L M A K E Y O U P R O U D

S H E R Y L I L O V E Y O U R I C H A R D

R I C H A R D

I ’ L L M A K E Y O U P R O U D (They kiss. LIGHTS fade to black.)

I D O N ’ T WA N T A L O T

B U T I G O T TA H AV E E N O U G H .

I D E S P I S E T H E U N I M P O RTA N T S T U F F

A N D T H AT S T U F F I S N O T A L L O W E D

B U T T H E M A N I L O V E I

H O P E W I L L

S O M E T I M E S M A K E M E L A U G H ;

B U T A LWAY S M A K E

M E P R O U D

(Frank, Dwayne and Grandpa enter.)

G R A N D P A

We gotta work on our routine, Olive

Okay But I’m hungry

O L I V E

G R A N D P A

Dwayne, get your sister a bag of chips And get yourself something (Grandpa pulls out his wallet.)

And get us some porn Nothing air-brushed (Dwayne shakes his head “ no ”.)

F R A N K

Jeez...

You got a problem with that?

G R A N D P A

F R A N K

Yeah, it’s unseemly. And they’re not going to sell it to him anyway. He’s a minor.

G R A N D P A

(tries to hand him a twenty)

Then you buy it I’d be curious to see what your people would choose for my people.

F R A N K

Get it yourself.

(Sheryl enters, followed by Richard )

R I C H A R D

I can’t get reception anywhere. I’ve got one bar on my cell. Good old AT&T you can get a signal in Tahiti, but not Flagstaff

O L I V E

Mom, look There’s an ice cream stand across the street Can I get a hot fudge sundae?

S H E R Y L

I guess

R I C H A R D

Whoa Not so fast

(she goes to him)

Can I tell you something about ice cream?

O L I V E

Un huh

R I C H A R D

Ice cream is made from cream and sugar

S H E R Y L

Richard

R I C H A R D

This is something she should know about

O L I V E

Know what?

R I C H A R D

Well, when you eat ice-cream, the fat in the ice-cream becomes fat on your body and that’s why you ’ re starting to get a little tummy.

(he pokes her tummy)

He didn’t just say that, right?

Quiet, Frank.

F R A N K

R I C H A R D

G R A N D P A

Olive, your father ’ s an idiot. I like a woman

S H E R Y L

Olive, there’s nothing wrong with having a little tummy.

R I C H A R D

Okay. But, Olive, here’s the thing: the women in the beauty pageants...? Do they have tummys?

O L I V E

Well I guess not

R I C H A R D

Okay! So they probably don’t eat a lot of ice-cream That’s all I’m sayin’

(to the others)

( R I C H A R D )

I’m gonna see if I can reach Stan on a pay-phone.

(He walks off. They all stand there stunned for a moment. Lights pull down and the girls suddenly appear.)

(as they enter) Olive, Olive, OLIVE!!

a P o o r O l i v e

S H E R Y L

(to Olive)

Olive, do you need to use the ladies room?

(Olive shakes head no)

I’m gonna use it. When I come out, you and I are going to get an ice cream.

O L I V E

I don’t want any ice cream. Dwayne, will you get me a Coke Zero, please?

(he nods “ yes”)

Gramps, come on, let’s go practice my routine

G R A N D P A

Yeah! I’ve got a new move for you

(They all walk off as we SEGUE to the Men’s Room. Frank enters and goes to the urinal. A man is at the next urinal. It is JOSHUA ROSE, Frank’s old beau. He flushes and as he zips up his fly, he looks over.)

J O S H U A

Frankie...?

(Frank turns, startled to see Joshua.)

Joshua?

(Joshua moves over to the sink.)

F R A N K

J O S H U A

How weird is this? I thought you were gonna be in Sedona for the conference I was looking for you...!

F R A N K

Yeah, the conference... right, oh god, it’s near here... Well,

(Frank recovers, finishes his business and moves over to the other sink where they wash their hands.)

something came up last minute, a family thing Big deal Very important We’re headed to California.

J O S H U A

Hey, did you hear the good news? Larry won the MacArthur Grant!

F R A N K

(freezes)

What? You’ve got to be kidding me.

J O S H U A

It’s official; he’s a “genius”.

(too patronizing)

Hey, Frankie. Did I hear in Santa Fe you got fired...?

F R A N K

Yes. No, I quit. I quit. Enough’s enough, you know?

J O S H U A

Right. Well, it’s nice to see you Frankie. How have you been?

F R A N K

How have I been?

# 6 H o w H a v e I B e e n ?

H O W H AV E I B E E N

S I N C E Y O U W E N T B Y E , J O S H ?

H O W H AV E I B E E N

Y O U A S K M E G R O S S LY.

F I R S T I T H O U G H T M AY B E

I S H O U L D D I E , J O S H

T H E N T H O U G H T S O F M U R D E R

F O L L O W E D C L O S E LY

H O W D O I F E E L ?

I H AV E N O A N S W E R S , O N LY T I M E W I L L T E L L

O H H E L L

I S M E L L Y O U R S M E L L .

H O W D O I F E E L ?

T H E W O R L D ’ S E X P L O D I N G

H O W H AV E I B E E N ?

I ’ M D O I N G V E RY W E L L

J O S H U A

Gee, are you still mad at me?

Spare me.

H O W H AV E I B E E N ?

F R A N K

M Y H E A RT ’ S A P O O R P L A C E

H O W H AV E I B E E N ?

M Y S TO M A C H T U R N S

I S T H AT A G R I N

I S E E O N Y O U R FA C E ?

I N R O T T E N T I M E S

T H E T H I N G S O N E L E A R N S

H O W H AV E I B E E N ?

A D E C E N T Q U E S T I O N

T H AT N E E D S S O M E T H I N G R E A L .

I F E E L

W E L L , I C A N ’ T S AY

I D O M A I N TA I N M Y PA I N ’ S S Y S T E M I C , O R I S I T M E R E LY A C A D E M I C ?

H O W H AV E I B E E N ?

I ’ M P E R F E C T LY O K AY.

J O S H U A

Y O U ’ R E A W O N D E R F U L G U Y, F R A N K , A N D I D O N ’ T H AV E TO L I E , F R A N K , B U T Y O U ’ R E B E T T E R L O O K I N G T H A N S U G A R M A N , A N D I N M A N Y WAY S , S W E E T E R F R A N K

O S H U A

Oh please

T H

T H AT I N S M A RT N E S S A N D C O M P L E X I T Y, Y O U ’ R E C O M P L E T E R T H A N H E . F R A N K

“Completer” is not a word, Joshua.

You’re speaking poetry?

F R A N K

L A R R Y ( O . S . )

(Frank stops cold. We hear a flush. Out of the stall behind them strides LARRY SUGARMAN. He is dressed way too young for his age.)

F R A N K

(he turns, startled)

Hello, Larry.

(as he moves to the sink)

Frank, what a surprise.

Indeed.

Of all the unlikely places.

This is ironic.

L A R R Y

F R A N K

L A R R Y

F R A N K

L A R R Y

Proust would appreciate the irony of this setting, n ’est-ce pas Frank? J

A porcupine?

H I S PA S

M Y PA S

S I O N !

J O S H U A

L A R R Y

B O T H

F R A N K

D O N ’ T L O S E T H AT T H O U G H T

B U T L E T M E TA L K H E R E ,

Y O U S A I D Y O U ’ D L O V E M E

F O R A L O N G T I M E

O H H O W I ’ D L I K E

TO C L E A N Y O U R C L O C K D E A R

J O S H U A

B U T, F R A N K , T H I S I S

T H E W R O N G P L A C E

W R O N G T I M E

L A R RY ’ S A TO A D

A N D Y O U ’ V E G O T A R M S

F R A N K

T H AT S PA N T H E A E G E A N S E A . L A R R Y

O H G E E .

T H E M I G H T Y F E L L

Y O U ’ V E G O T Y O U R L I F E

F R A N K

A N D I ’ V E G O T M I N E , J O S H

T H AT Y O U P R E F E R A P O R C U P I N E , J O S H , M A K E S M E AWA R E

I ’ M D O I N G V E RY W E L L

L A R R Y

B E T H AT A S I T M AY, F R A N K ,

TO D AY ’ S A S P E C I A L D AY, F R A N K ,

We’re expecting twins

Hashtag surrogate from Yale (Frank let’s out an involuntary animal roar)

Larry)

(Frank roars in frustration at Josh and Larry, and they scurry out. Frank splashes some water on his face, and then exits the bathroom and joins Grandpa, Sheryl and Dwayne who stand near a payphone. They listen as Richard speaks on a pay phone.)

Yeah, Stan. I understand that, but this is just the Southwest Expo (beat)

What? (beat)

You don’t have to tell me these are tough times! We have to use that to our advantage. (beat)

What do you mean “it’s not the idea, it’s me?” (beat)

Well, they’re wrong. (beat)

So what’s the next step, Stan? (beat)

You mean give up? One setback, you ’ re ready to quit? (beat)

Okay ! Good! I’m glad You know why? This is what the Ten Steps are all about You blew it, Stan. You’re out! I’ll find someone else!

(He slams the phone down in the cradle and turns to discover that the family has been listening to this conversation. A moment of frozen silence before Sheryl walks over to him.)

So what happened?

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

Nothing That’s what happened C’mon everybody!

S H E R Y L

Wait a minute I thought you said this was a done deal?

R I C H A R D

He said it was a done deal

Call him back Try negotiating

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

There’s nothing to negotiate I’m not discussing this now!

(he walks to the bus; yells:)

Let’s GO!!!

(They look at one another skeptically then take their positions behind the bus, none noticing that Olive is not with them )

Push!

# 6 a F o r g e t t i n g O l i v e

(The music plays, and without speaking to one another, they go through their ritual of pushing the bus and jumping in. This time Sheryl chooses to sit in the back with Frank, Grandpa and Dwayne.

They sit a beat when Dwayne pulls out the Coke Zero from the paper bag. He looks around then to Frank, panicked.)

F R A N K

Olive? Where’s Olive?

(They turn around and look behind them to see Olive desperately running towards the bus.)

S H E R Y L

(screaming)

Turn around. There she is! Turn around, Richard!

(Richard makes a sharp u-turn and they travel towards Olive. Dwayne maneuvers himself to the sliding door and opens it.

Everyone is shouting instructions to him. Suddenly, they go into slow motion, stylizing their efforts to grab Olive Holding with one hand and leaning out with the other, Dwayne grabs Olive and lifts her into the bus. Back in real time, Sheryl immediately grabs her into a bear hug )

O L I V E

(panting)

You guys left without me!

S H E R Y L

We know, we know. We’re so sorry Olive. We would never leave you behind.

R I C H A R D

We just got a head-start with the pushing...

S H E R Y L

We’ll never do that again. I promise.

(They drive in silence, and then Grandpa gets up, moves to the front of the van and sits next to Richard.)

G R A N D P A

Richard

Not now, Dad

I want to talk to you

Dad, please

R I C H A R D

G R A N D P A

R I C H A R D

G R A N D P A

No, it’s important I have something I have to say

R I C H A R D (to himself)

This oughta be good...

G R A N D P A

Listen, whatever happens at least you tried to do something on your own, which is more than most people ever do Including me You tried, Richard I make fun of your Ten Step “thing” but at least you took a chance on something. You took a bad situation and tried to make it better

R I C H A R D

Okay, Dad Thanks I think

(He tries to be cool and dismissive, but Grandpa just sits there staring at him. Finally, Richard turns and makes eye contact Awkwardly, he offers his hand to Grandpa They shake.)

( R I C H A R D )

Thanks

Nighttime

“You have reached your destination. And while staying at the Kingman Days Inn, enjoy our 27” TVs with cable service and adult entertainment ”

R I C H A R D

Everyone, we ’ re getting up at seven. We want to be on the road by eight.

S H E R Y L

Gramps and Olive take the end room. Frank and Dwayne, you take the middle room You guys’ll be all right?

F R A N K

We’ll be fine

S H E R Y L

Okay Good night everybody Sleep tight

(Variously) Goodnight.

This has been one hell of a day

S H E R Y L

Richard, you said you were going to be able to get the book deal R I C H A R D

That’s what Stan told me

S H E R Y L

Richard, our credit card is maxed out We can’t re-mortgage the house again

R I C H A R D

Can we not talk about this now? S H E R Y L

If you had your way, we would never discuss this or anything else

I C H A R D

B E F O R E , S H E RY L S H E R Y L W E ’ V E B E E N T H R

(Grandpa tucks Olive into bed.) G R A N D P A

There you go. Snug as a bug in a rug.

Grandpa, I’m kind of nervous about tomorrow.

G R A N D P A

Olive, you ’ re gonna blow ‘ em out of the water. O L I V E

What if I lose?

You’re not gonna lose, I guarantee it.

G R A N D P A

(She begins to get emotional.) O L I V E

But am I pretty, Grandpa?

Olive, what are you saying?

G R A N D P A

( G R A N D P A ) Y O U ’ R E T

R L D , O L I V E

A N D M Y S AY I N G T H AT,

AT F I R S T, M I G H T S E E M B I Z A R R E

, O L I V E

A N D I F E E L T H AT WAY

B E C A U S E , TO M E , Y O U A R E . O L I V E

No! You’re just saying that!

I’m saying it ‘ cause it’s true.

I C A N ’ T H E L P I T

G R A N D P A

T H AT I F E E L T H E WAY I F E E L

. O L I V E

You’re just saying that because you ’ re my Grandpa.

G R A N D P A

All right, you want the truth? O L I V E

Yes!

G R A N D P A

Alright. You asked for it. I’m gonna give it to you straight.

Goodnight.

(He kisses Olive and tucks her in and then shuts off the light. When he sees that she is asleep, he takes out a vial and snorts some cocaine.)

S H E R Y L

Some days I feel like if I’m carrying this family on my back.

R I C H A R D

I have supported this family for years! I know I haven’t brought money in for a while, but cut me some slack here, Sheryl.

S H E R Y L

You’re going to have to swallow your pride and take a job, Richard. Any job.

R I C H A R D

First let me look for another agent, Sheryl. The Steps are still a good idea for a book.

S H E R Y L

H E R Y L H O W C A N Y O U S AY T H AT ? T H AT

I want to try living apart

You gotta be kidding me!

I need something to change

(He storms out of the room. Sheryl, sits back on the bed.)

(Frank comes out of the bathroom. He has a clay masque on his face. He sees that Dwayne has been listening to his parents through the wall.)

F R A N K

Don’t listen to them Parents fight Come on lets watch the tube I think the Housewives are on.

(Dwayne takes out his book)

You don’t like the Housewives? They are camp of the highest order.

(Dwayne begins to read )

Dwayne, maybe reading Nietzsche all the time is not such a good idea for you.

(He reaches over and closes Dwayne’s book)

(Lights dim on them )

(During Sheryl’s song, on the other side of the stage, Olive wakes up and looks to Grandpa, who appears to be sleeping She taps him, but he doesn’t move She taps him again. Nothing. She rises from the bed and quickly exits.)

(Olive enters, startling Sheryl )

I think Grandpa’s sick.

(Everyone sits silently in a waiting area nearby a cubicle that is closed-off by white curtains. Olive, bored, goes through a rack of medical flyers. She takes one and approaches Dwayne.)

O L I V E

You want to take an eye test? (Dwayne shakes his head.)

Uncle Frank? You want to take an eye test?

F R A N K

Not today, Olive

S H E R Y L

Olive, put that away We’re gonna have a family meeting

R I C H A R D

What? Now? You want to have a family meeting now?

S H E R Y L

Richard Let’s just do it Dwayne? Family meeting (She takes a breath. She turns to the kids.)

First of all, the doctors are doing everything they can for Grandpa He’s had a long …eventful… life, and I know he loves both of you kids very much. But if God wants to take him, we have to be ready to accept that, okay? (beat)

So it looks like when we get home we might have to make some changes in the way we live.

R I C H A R D

You’re talking about this now?

S H E R Y L

We might have to move out of our house. We might have to declare bankruptcy.

O L I V E

Move?

R I C H A R D

We don’t know that yet. Will you stop?

S H E R Y L

(Her voice becomes shaky)

But whatever happens we ’ re a family

(She turns away, starts to cry. Frank puts his hand on her shoulder. Sheryl grasps it. Olive and Dwayne watch Sheryl Frank gives them a head nod, and they come over and hug her, too. Then Olive goes and grabs Richard and pulls him into the group hug. Awkward )

D O C T O R

Are you the relations of Edwin Hoover? I’m Dr. Shallenberg.

(they come gather round)

I’m so very sorry. We did everything we could.

(beat to Olive)

Don’t you worry, sweetie. He probably fell asleep and just never woke up. He’s in heaven now.

O L I V E

Is this man telling us that Grandpa’s dead?

S H E R Y L

Yeah, honey. He’s passed away.

(Olive nods, says nothing.)

(they just stare at him, blankly; beat) Linda? Linda?

(beat; HE yells off-stage)

Linda?!

D O C T O R

(A woman with a clipboard dashes over.)

Stay strong.

(He gestures to Linda, then departs.)

L I N D A

Hi, I’m Linda, your bereavement liaison. My consolations for your loss.

O L I V E

Thank you, Linda.

Are you handling this, sir?

(RICHARD steps forward)

L I N D A

( L I N D A )

Okay These are the forms you need to fill out death certificate, report of death and the M.E. pink slip. If you’d like, I can refer you at this time to a funeral home so you can begin making arrangements.

(Richard and Sheryl glance at each other.)

R I C H A R D

Actually, we ’ re from Albuquerque

Albuquerque ?

Yeah, we ’ re passing through

L I N D A

S H E R Y L

L I N D A

Oh Well, if the body is crossing state lines you have to have a Burial Transit Permit for the County Registrar...

R I C H A R D

Okay, fine, but here’s the thing we ’ re trying to get to Redondo Beach by two this afternoon...

L I N D A

Two o ’clock? Today?

(checks her watch; snorts)

I don’t think so

R I C H A R D

But This is for my daughter It’s really important

L I N D A

It may be really important, but so is the paperwork

R I C H A R D

Listen, is there a way to go and come back?

L I N D A

You’re going to abandon the body?

R I C H A R D

I’m not gonna abandon the body. I just want to go and come back. We just need to go and then we’ll come back! We’ll come back!

L I N D A

...Otherwise the hospital becomes responsible... Sir, there’s a way these things need to be done Sir? Sir ? Sir!!!

L I N D A

Now we have a way of doing things, and I’m gonna ask you nicely to respect our procedures! Understood?

(Silence. Richard stares at the floor, seething.)

R I C H A R D

Could you…? Is there a way I could see my father?

L I N D A

We’re gonna have to move him downstairs. But you can have a few minutes with your Papa first When you ’ re done with the paperwork I’ll be at the nurse ’ s station. Over there. Waiting for the paperwork. God bless.

(as she exits)

Thank you, Linda.

O L I V E

(Richard walks over to the cubicle and pulls the curtain back, revealing the body under a sheet. The others keep their distance, Frank shielding Olive. Richard walks over and peers under the sheet, then puts it back down.

He turns away and faces the wall. He starts hyperventilating choking down the emotion. He’s not comfortable showing his feelings.)

R I C H A R D

(under his breath)

Goddamn it, Dad. Goddamn it.

(beat)

Stupid, stupid, stupid…!!!

(He shakes his head and takes a few sharp breaths, getting himself under control still facing the wall.

Sheryl goes to him and lovingly rubs his back. Olive runs over to join them.)

F R A N K

Olive.

(Sheryl hugs Olive then pulls her aside )

S H E R Y L

Olive, we’ll do Little Miss Sunshine next year. Okay, honey? Next year.

O L I V E

Okay.

(Olive hugs her mom sadly. No one says anything. Finally, Richard turns around. He is very determined )

R I C H A R D

No. We’ve come five hundred miles. I’ll be damned if we ’ re not making that contest

S H E R Y L

Honey We can’t leave Grandpa!

R I C H A R D

(slightly deranged)

We’re not going to leave him.

(Richard dumps the paperwork in a wastebasket. He peaks out of the curtain and glances into the hallway.

He looks desperately around the room. He sees the window and opens it.)

S H E R Y L

Richard... what are you doing?

We’ll take him with us.

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

No, Richard. No. That’s not going to happen.

R I C H A R D (to Dwayne)

Dwayne, Frank. Go around outside, under the window. Mom and I will pass Grandpa down to you. F R A N K

Of course. That makes perfect sense.

S H E R Y L

Don’t you dare!

(to Richard)

You’re not yourself.

I’ve never been more myself

R I C H A R D

Step eight!

(Richard turns to Dwayne and Frank. Triumphantly, they give a thumbs-up and leave the room. Richard leans out the window then goes to the body. He see Sheryl stepping away He goes to her ) R I C H A R D

Sheryl, I’ll need your help.

Richard I can’t be part of this.

Do this for me.

This is insane. You really need to…

S H E R Y L

R I C H A R D

S H E R Y L

(Sheryl glances over and sees that Olive has climbed on top of Grandpa to hug him. She screams. Richard runs to Olive and lifts her off Grandpa.)

R I C H A R D

Olive, don’t touch Grandpa. Go see if anyone is coming.

(Olive scampers out of the room and looks in the direction of Linda.)

Richard looks out the window. We see Frank and Dwayne waiting below.)

O L I V E

All clear

You stand guard, honey

(calls up from the window)

Okay, okay, let’s do this.

(Sheryl, who has been standing by the window, squeals by the surprise. She is barely holding on.

Richard grabs the corpse and tries to lift it. He looks at Sheryl. Tears are in her eyes.)

Please. I need your help to lift him.

Sheryl, I can’t do this without you. Please!

Okay.

(She reluctantly walks over and goes to lift Grandpa by his legs. This totally grosses her out.)

He’s too heavy

R I C H A R D , M A N 1