THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF MUSICAL
ACT ONE
Pre-show announcement: a recorded voice-over by JIM
JIM Welcome my little cupcakes!
For your first technical challenge today, we’re asking you to switch off your mobile phones.
Yes, that’s right, and there won’t be any handshakes given to people caught rustling sweet wrappers either.
Now bakers, for the first time this series, on your marks, get set . . .
( JIM is interrupted by a loud clap of thunder.)
(Three CHORISTERS are revealed, played by BEN, IZZY and FRANCESCA . They narrate the proceedings.)
CHORISTERS
AH-H-H-H!
AH-H-H-H!
( A CAVEMAN and CAVEWOMAN in comedic prehistoric costumes waddle downstage. They are played by the two presenters, KIM and JIM, who perform a sketch to match the narration using a fake campfire and accompanying props.)
CHORISTERS
IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS . . . FLOUR BUTTER AND MILK AND FREE-RANGE EGGS AND GOLDEN CASTER SUGAR
Prologue
Music No. 1: PROLOGUE
RUSSELL (o/s) SUGAR
GEMMA (o/s) SUGAR
BABS (o/s) SUGAR
CHORISTERS
BUT THEY WERE SEPARATE ENTITIES FOR THEY NOT HAD BEEN MIXED TOGETHER
MAN 1 (BEN) ’TIL MAN SAID TO WOMAN THUS
FEMALE 1 (IZZY)
NO I THINK YOU’LL FIND THAT WOMAN SAID TO MAN . . .
CAVEWOMAN
WHAT IF WE PUT IT IN THE OVEN?
CAVEMAN
HUH? MAN MAKE FIRE – NOT OVEN
CAVEWOMAN
BABE, YOU GOTTA BUILD ME AN OVEN
CHORISTERS
SO MAN BUILT A PIT OF FIRE FULL OF CINDERS AND EARTH AND CLAY AND WOMAN TOOK A MIXING BOWL AND PUT IT IN WITHOUT DELAY AND MAN SAID
CAVEMAN
LOOK – IT’S RISING!
CHORISTERS AND WOMAN SAID
CAVEWOMAN
HEAVENS ABOVE – I THINK IT’S RISING!
BOTH WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? WHY IS IT RISING?
CHORISTERS
AH-AH-AH-AH
FEMALE 1 (IZZY) THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENED THAT DAY
CHORISTERS
AH-AH-AH-AH
FEMALE 1 (IZZY) FOR OUT OF THE MAGGOTS AND CLAY
CHORISTERS
EMERGED THIS FLUFFY MOIST CREATION THAT WAS LIGHT ( JIM has lifted a perfectly formed Victoria Sponge out of the fire.)
CAVEWOMAN IT’S SO LIGHT!
CAVEMAN GIVE US A BITE (The CAVEPEOPLE ‘eat’ a bit of their cake theatrically. They’re impressed! )
CAVEWOMAN Spongy . . .
CAVEMAN Soft . . .
CAVEWOMAN Gooey . . .
CAVEMAN And . . . sweet?!
CAVEWOMAN (Fearfully.) Oh Dennis, what have we done?
CHORISTE RS
THE TWO WERE SO AFRAID
CAVEMAN I’m scared, Susan . . .
CHORISTERS
WHAT WAS THIS THING THEY’D MADE?
CAVEWOMAN This could change the world . . .
CHORISTERS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!
CAVEPEOPLE
AH-AH-AH-AH-AH!
CAVEMAN But what shall we call it?
CHORISTERS CAKE!
(They hold the cake up majestically, like Simba in “The Lion King”, then whip off their cavepeople costumes.)
[NB: Do not wait for audience applause – cut out of the sketch quickly.]
KIM Blimey, that was a bit intense!
JIM Yeah that polyester really chafes . . .
BOTH Welcome to The Great British Bake Off!
The Bakers Arrive
We hear The Great British Bake Off theme tune and then BABS appears, arriving for the start of the series.
BABS IT WAS MY GREAT AUNT EDNA’S SUET
Music No. 2: THE BAKE OFF TENT
I WAS ALWAYS FORCED TO EAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WOULD CHEW IT IT STILL FOUND A WAY TO REPEAT
SO ONE DAY I SAID TO HER “AUNTIE WHY DON’T I GIVE YOU A BREAK . . . ?” SO I MADE MY OWN PIE ONLY MINE WASN’T DRY AND THAT’S WHY I STARTED TO BAKE
(DEZZA enters with an Extinction Rebellion tote bag.)
DEZZA
THERE WAS THIS GIRL I MET IN SHOREDITCH AT AN UNDERGROUND NUDIST RAVE SHE LIVED IN CAMDEN LOCK AND WORE A SMOCK AND HAD A PARAKEET CALLED DAVE
ONE DAY WE MADE HASH BROWNIES BUT ATE THE WHOLE LOT BY MISTAKE THANKS TO CANNABIS FLOUR WE SNOGGED FOR AN HOUR AND THAT’S WHY I LEARNT TO BAKE
BABS THAT’S WHY I LEARNT TO BAKE DEZZA AND I KNEW WHAT THIS MEANT BABS AN ENORMOUS EVENT
BOTH AND THAT’S WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE TO THE BAKE OFF TENT
(The presenters KIM and JIM introduce the proceedings.)
KIM 12,000 people applied for this year’s series . . .
JIM Doctors and nurses . . .
KIM Shop workers and shoplifters . . .
JIM Undertakers and MPs
KIM Well Liz Truss isn’t up to much these days . . .
[NB: Underlining in the libretto indicates topical references, which should be updated as per current news events – see Authors’ Notes.]
JIM But only the berry best baked their way to this year’s legendary Gingham altar.
KIM (To JIM.) Aww Jim, are we finally getting married?
JIM (Grimaces.) Does that mean we have to kiss?
(KIM puckers her lips.)
JIM I think I’ll stick to cakes . . . (HASSAN enters wearing his lucky t-shirt.)
HASSAN
I’VE GONE AND WORN MY LUCKY T-SHIRT
COS I CANNOT GO HOME FIRST WEEK
DEZZA
I COULDN’T KEEP DOWN MY BREAKFAST THIS MORNING
DEZZA, BABS & HASSAN AND I DIDN’T GET ANY SLEEP
(IZZY enters.)
IZZY
I’VE HAD A LITTLE BIT OF BOTOX
COS WE’RE FILMING IN HD
DEZZA (In rhythm.) Me too.
BABS (In rhythm.) Me three . . .
JIM (Sheepishly; in rhythm.) And me . . .
BAKERS, KIM & JIM NOW WE’RE HERE THE FAMOUS TENT STANDING PROUD TO REPRESENT
IZZY / HASSAN FROM CHELTENHAM TO CHICHESTER
BABS / DEZZA FROM COVENTRY TO KENT
PRESENTERS GET READY TO MAN YOUR BENCH ALL IN THE BAKE OFF TENT
JIM So without further aga-do, let’s meet this year’s contestants . . .
KIM 21-year-old student Izzy is currently studying History of Art at Cambridge University. She’ll be swapping Van Gogh* for Gat- eaux
[* Pronounced gogh as in ‘toe’.]
IZZY DID YOU KNOW MY BAKING STYLE IS BEST DESCRIBED AS SHABBY CHIC GOT MY INSPIRATION ON A JUICE RETREAT IN MOZAMBIQUE MUMMY SAYS I’M A PEARL WELL SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME BUT I’M REALLY JUST A NORMAL BEAUTIFUL GIRL
JIM Retired dinner lady Babs hails from London’s infamous East End. A dab hand with a wooden spoon, Babs enjoys baking for her 15 grandchildren.
BABS WELL I’VE BEEN THERE DONE THAT SEEN IT ALL BEFORE
I’VE HAD THREE HUSBANDS – DON’T NEED ANY MORE I LIKE TO BAKE WITH GALLONS OF LIQUOR IT ALWAYS LEAVES THE NEIGHBOURS WANTING MORE
KIM 17-year-old Hassan lives in Wembley where he’s currently doing his A-Levels at sixth form college. A self-taught baker, Hassan likes to keep things real.
HASSAN
I DON’T NEED NO RECIPES I MAKE IT UP MYSELF I JUST THROW IT IN A BOWL YEAH THROW IT IN A BOWL I’M NEVER FAZED
I DON’T CARE ABOUT TRADITION I’M HASSAN I FOLLOW INTUITION
JIM Environmentalist, activist and chauvinist, sorry socialist, Derek –better known as Dezza – doesn’t like to be tied down – he lives on a canal boat in . . . (Faltering.) a canal . . .
DEZZA
AS A VEGAN I WILL NOT BE COOKING WITH . . . BUTTER* [* Relaxed ‘t’ sounds on the word ‘butter’.]
JIM / KIM
NO NO BUTTER (Backing vocals continue underneath:)
DEZZA
COS I STRONGLY BELIEVE IN THE MANTRA “MEAT IS MURDER” I’M A LAID-BACK ACTIVIST SO I’LL ADD A PLANT-BASED TWIST TO EVERYTHING I DO SO IT’S ALMOND MILK FOR YOU
BAKERS NOW WE’RE HERE THE FAMOUS TENT
DEZZA OR MAYBE SOY
ALL
STANDING PROUD TO REPRESENT
DEZZA
BECAUSE OUR PLANET’S OVERPOPULATED ANIMALS ARE STRANGULATED
BABS Shut up Dezza!
DEZZA Soz . . .
JIM / KIM
I BET HE’S THE FIRST TO GO
ALL IN THE BAKE OFF TENT
(RUSSELL enters with a toolkit and the various apparatus he needs for his bakes.)
JIM Aeronautical engineer Russell lives with his husband Mario in Macclesfield.
RUSSELL Ciao!
JIM A man of measurements, Russell’s planning on using his trusty tools to stay on top in the tent.
RUSSELL AS A MAN OF GREAT PRECISION
I RELY ON GRAPHS AND CHARTS
GEEKY MEN ON TELEVISION
ALWAYS WIN THE NATION’S HEARTS
(Spoken, in rhythm.) My Instagram’s “The Queen of Tarts”.
(BEN enters.)
KIM Policeman Ben lives just outside Bristol. When he’s not keeping law and order, he likes to teach his nine-year-old daughter Lily how to bake.
BEN
I’M SO GLAD TO BE ON YOUR SHOW LILY SAYS I’LL KILL IT
KIM Aww!
BEN PEOPLE SAY I’M A BAKING PRO SO I’LL TRY AND WIN IT I’M USING THE RECIPES MADE BY MY WIFE (FRANCESCA enters.)
FRANCESCA
I’M BRINGING THE FLAVOURS OF ROME AND MILAN TRADITIONAL METHODS I TOOK FROM MY GRAN SO PEOPLE OF BRITAIN GET READY I’M HERE FOR THE CROWN
JIM Italian fashionista Francesca’s moved from native Bologna . . . to Bognor.
FRANCESCA
COS I HOPE THAT I WIN
HASSAN I HOPE THAT I WIN!
RUSSELL
DON’T CARE IF I WIN
BABS
LIKE I’D EVER WIN!
IZZY
I’LL DEFINITELY
ALL WIN COMPANY
COS NOW WE’RE HERE THE FAMOUS TE–
KIM WAIT!
JIM Weight? That’s a very personal question, Kim . . .
KIM No, there’s someone missing . . .
BAKERS (Various ad libs, mutterings.) Missing?
(GEMMA enters, nervously, with a holdall.)
JIM Hello, can we help you?
GEMMA Er yeah, hi I’m Gemma?
KIM Who?
GEMMA Gemma. You know . . . (Looks around, unsure if she can say, then quietly says . . . ) The back-up contestant . . .
JIM (Relieved, loudly.) Oh the back-up contestant, yes!
KIM Hel-lo!
GEMMA I’m sorry I’m late it’s just I only got the call this morning . . .
JIM Not to worry, Gemma . . . We’re so glad you could join us.
KIM But we are about to start so – please – take your place . . .
JIM And finally Gemma, a . . .
( JIM realises he doesn’t know anything about her, so GEMMA prompts him.)
GEMMA Carer . . .
JIM From?
GEMMA Blackpool.
(We briefly isolate Gemma’s internal thoughts . . . )
GEMMA
GOD IT’S NOT LIKE I IMAGINED IT’S BIGGER THAN YOU THINK THERE’S LIGHTS AND CAMERAS EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE GETS A SINK
I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY CHOSE ME I’LL BE ON CHANNEL 4 MY PALMS ARE GETTING SWEATY
(Meanwhile, KIM and JIM are getting ready to start filming.)
KIM Alright bakers, standby!
GEMMA
MY LEGS ARE LIKE SPAGHETTI
JIM Aprons at the ready . . .
GEMMA BUT BRING ON THAT FIRST SIGNATURE AND SEE WHAT LIES IN STORE
BAKERS SO NOW WE’RE HERE
DEZZA I’M HERE!
BAKERS THE FAMOUS TENT STANDING PROUD
DEZZA SO VERY PROUD!
BAKERS TO REPRESENT
ALL
WE’RE READY FOR OUR CLOSE UP (Hushed.) BUT SHOOT ME FROM THE LEFT
(They all turn to the left.
The BAKERS begin to sing various different layers – please see score.)
BABS
IT WAS MY GREAT AUNT EDNA’S SUET I WAS ALWAYS FORCED TO EAT (etc.)
HASSAN
I JUST THROW IT IN A BOWL YEAH THROW IT IN A BOWL (etc.)
DEZZA
COS MEAT IS MURDER (etc.)
RUSSELL
I LIKE BAKING WITH PRECISION (etc.)
IZZY
BUT I’M REALLY JUST A NORMAL BEAUTIFUL GIRL (etc.)
GEMMA
GOD IT’S NOT LIKE I IMAGINED (etc.)
FRANCESCA
I’M BRINGING THE FLAVOURS OF ROME AND MILAN (etc.)
BEN
I’M SO GLAD TO BE ON YOUR SHOW (etc.)
(Until: Suddenly we hear a loud crunch sound – a technical error as if something’s gone wrong.)
JIM Sorry guys – technical difficulties – we’re gonna have to do that all again . . .
ALL IN THE BAKE OFF TENT
DEZZA BIODEGRADABLE!
ALL TENT!
(End of song.)
Meeting the judges
JIM and KIM address the bakers at their benches.
JIM Welcome to a brand-new series of Love Island – so gentleman if you'd like to step outside, you'll see Kim waiting with a bucket of fake tan and a spatula.
KIM But before we get cracking . . .
Music No. 3: THE ARRIVAL OF THE JUDGES
KIM No series of Bake Off would be complete without our two baking demi-Gods.
JIM The deities of dough!
KIM The almond almighties!
JIM Yes it’s the judges you know and love –
KIM Please welcome back, national treasure . . . Dame Pam Lee!
(PAM enters, wearing colourful glasses, as the bakers politely applaud.)
PAM Hello.
I AM SO DELIGHTED TO BE HERE ONCE MORE
NIBBLING ON YOUR NOUGAT IS A THRILL I JUST ADORE
I KNOW HOW YOU’RE FEELING I’M A COOK MYSELF
I CAN’T HELP YOU BAKE BUT I’LL GIVE YOU CLUES IF YOU LEAK . . . OR SQUIRT . . . OR BEGIN TO OOZE AND I’LL ALWAYS SCORE YOU HIGHLY IF YOU ADD MORE BOOZE
(She smiles sweetly.)
KIM And now . . . Mr Blue Eyes himself . . .
JIM Yes it’s the man who puts the ding in knea-ding . . .
KIM Phil Hollinghurst!
( A motorbike revs its engine and we see a tiny motorbike cross the length of the stage. As it gets to the other side . . . anticipation building . . . )
JIM ( Announces.) Bready or not, here he crumbs . . .
(PHIL HOLLINGHURST – a handsome man with silver hair and a goatee – enters. He is wearing full motorcycle leathers and carrying a helmet.)
PHIL (Liverpudlian.) Hiya everyone – y’alright?
(The BAKERS sigh, dreamily.)
PHIL PEOPLE THINK I’M SCARY THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND I’M A PROPER SOFTY AND I MIGHT JUST SHAKE YOUR HAND
JIM / KIM
HE’S A SILVER FOX
PHIL (Humbly.) Oh no . . .
JIM / KIM WITH HIS SPIKEY LOCKS
PAM/PHIL
WE’RE HERE TO IMPART OUR YEARS OF SKILL THEN OUR AGENTS SEND THEM A LOVELY BILL
JIM / KIM BUT EVERYBODY LOVES THEM IT’S PAM AND PHIL
JIM The judges, everyone. (End of song.)
[NB: We advise you to move on quickly to avoid an applause break, but you may feel otherwise.]
KIM Now . . . for our first signature challenge this series we’re asking you to make a sweet or savoury hand-raised pie. (To JIM.) You know I actually hand-raised my children . . .
JIM (With a cheery smile.) And look how they turned out . . . (Whispered aloud, to BAKERS.) awful!
KIM You have 1 hour 30 minutes.
JIM For the first time, my little bakers . . . on your marks, get set . . .
BOTH Baaake.
Episode 1: Signature
Music No. 4: OBVIOUSLY
DEZZA I can’t believe they’ve done this! Pastry week’s not until at least week 5!
HASSAN Still I’m raring to go innit . . . can do this in my sleep.
BABS I’m just here for the experience, me.
RUSSELL It’ll be nice to make new friends!
(DEZZA spots IZZY shining a pastry cutter in preparation.)
DEZZA Wow, Izzy, what’s that?
IZZY It’s a pre-medieval pastry cutter wheel. I stole it from the chalet girl in Verbier.
BEN Whoa Izzy – you’ll put us all to shame!
IZZY (Sweetly.) Hopefully, yes.
(They all laugh. Little do they realise, she means it.)
DEZZA Mind you, I suppose that’s what you get from (Impressively.) Cambridge University. (The BAKERS are impressed.)
IZZY (Politely murmuring agreement.) Mmm . . . (We isolate IZZY’S internal thoughts . . . )
IZZY EVERYONE IS SO POLITE ALL “NICE TO MEET YOU” “LOVE THAT DRESS” BUT THERE’S SOMETHING UNDERNEATH THE SMILING NO-ONE WILL ADDRESS: THERE’S A PRIZE TO BE WON
BABS It’s like a cosy little family.
IZZY AND I’M NOT HERE FOR FUN
DEZZA (Best idea ever.) We should start a Whatsapp group!
(Everyone murmurs enthusiasm, but IZZY smiles facetiously.)
IZZY Yeahhhh . . .
THE TENT’S SO INNOCENT SO LITTLE BRITISH COUNTRY FETE
DON’T LET THE GINGHAM FOOL YOU IT’S A BATTLE ON A PLATE I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS I’M HERE FOR TEN OUT OF TENS!
(Suddenly IZZY is caught off guard by a question.)
IZZY (Spoken in rhythm.) Winning? (Gasps incredulously, or ‘Oh!’ ) It hadn’t even crossed my mind!
COS OBVIOUSLY
I WILL BE GOING ALL THE WAY OBVIOUSLY I’LL SHINE THEY’LL DROP OFF LIKE FLIES TILL I SNAG THE PRIZE SO LET THE COMPETITION BEGIN I’M HERE TO WIN
(PAM and PHIL move over towards IZZY’S bench.)
PAM Smells really good, Izzy.
IZZY Thanks Pam! Love the necklace, by the way . . .
PHIL (Peering into her bowl.) ’Ere, what’s all that green stuff in your shortcrust?
IZZY This? Oh it’s a rare Moroccan funghi mixed with semolina and polenta infused with the blood of a small Venetian vole. (Smugly.) You know – start with something simple.
ALWAYS THE STRAIGHT A STUDENT
I DON’T COME IN SECOND PLACE IF THERE’S A MARATHON BELIEVE ME, I’M GONNA WIN THAT RACE NO ONE GETS IN MY WAY
HEY, GET OUTTA MY SPOTLIGHT YOU CAN SASHAY AWAY
[NB: Bakers do backing vocals throughout – please see score:]
IZZY AT THE FINAL WHEN I TAKE HOME THE CROWN THE JUDGES WILL CRY TEARS OF JOY THEN I’LL GUEST ON LOOSE WOMEN AND DESIGN MY OWN LINEN AND BEYONCE WILL BE MY BEST FRIEND COS FEMINISM’S SO ON TREND
COS OBVIOUSLY MY PROFILE WILL BE THROUGH THE ROOF OBVIOUSLY I’LL SOAR MY STRAWBERRY JAM IS BIG ON THE GRAM THESE OTHER PEEPS CAN GET IN THE BIN I’M HERE TO WIN YEAH, YEAH YEAH! OOOH! YEAH YEAH YEAH!
COMPANY (Overlapping.) OBVIOUSLY! WOAH WOAH, OBVIOUSLY! WHO IS SHE? SHE’S IZZY!
IZZY
BACKING VOCALS
I’LL GO TO LA OPEN A CUPCAKE TAKEAWAY (GO GIRL) MEANWHILE IN HARVEY NICKS
I’M THE NEW FACE OF MAGIMIX (OOH!)
I’M WOMAN OF THE YEAR (MM-HMM) A BAKING PIONEER SO WATCH THIS COMPETITION COS IZZY’S ON A MISSION
OBVIOUSLY I WILL BE GOING ALL THE WAY
OBVIOUSLY
IT’S ME ME ME ME ME ME –
ALL
IZZY!
IZZY
BAKE OFF WILL BE THE MAKING OF ME
ALL
THE BEST CONTESTANT THERE’S EVER BEEN
IZZY
I’M HERE TO WIN!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
I’VE GOT A KITCHENAID WITH MY NAME ON SO GAME ON
(Her riff builds until she lets out a big, wild Mariah-style note.)
KIM Izzy?
IZZY Oh sorry – was that out loud?
I’M HERE TO COMPANY WIN!
KIM Bakers, step away from your benches!
IZZY
I’M HERE TO WIN
(IZZY puts her hand-raised pie down on the bench.)
(End of song.)
Episode 1: Morning
Tea Break
It’s tea break and the contestants gather round a tea trolley.
BABS Right then, who wants a Yorkshire? I’m parched!
(DEZZA offers BABS a green-looking liquid in a reusable glass bottle.)
DEZZA Would you like some of this Babs? It’s my homebrewed nettle tea. Handpicked from the bushes of Hackney canal then strained through recycled tofu lining.
BABS I think I’ll stick to me builders, thanks Dezza . . .
( As she makes herself a tea, RUSSELL enters with his face entirely covered in flour.)
RUSSELL (Brightly.) Well that wasn’t too bad, was it?! Phil was very kind about my cylindrical display unit. And if it hadn’t have spun around and hit Pam in the face I’m sure she’d have liked it too.
(He goes off to clean himself up.
Meanwhile, GEMMA is waiting in line for the tea trolley next to BEN.)
BEN Hello – sorry we’ve not been introduced – I’m Ben.
GEMMA Oh yes, Gemma, hi –
(She shakes his hand.)
GEMMA Oops, sorry – sticky . . . all that bloody treacle! (Still holding his hand.) We’re stuck together now!
BEN ( Amused.) Seems that way . . !
(She takes her hand away.)
GEMMA Nah, don’t worry, the way that went, I’ll be gone by tomorrow . . .
BEN No, it was great –
GEMMA
It’s just cos I got a bit nervous, you know – being on telly. Still –yours looked nice . . .
BEN
GEMMA
Oh thanks – my wife’s invention actually – most of them are. She’s the real brains behind the baking . . .
Well she can come and take my place then! I’ll be on the first train heading North tomorrow night, you mark my words.
(IZZY parades up to the tea trolley and picks up a cup. She spots a jar of instant coffee.)
IZZY Oh instant – lovely!
(She slams the cup down and walks away – she’d rather go without.)
BEN So, you’re a carer . . .
GEMMA Yeah well, kind of, it’s just – I used to look after me Mum y’see . . . but I sort of got made redundant.
BEN Oh really, why’s that?
GEMMA Well she – er – she died, so that’s me I guess: redundant.
BEN Gemma, I’m so sorry . . .
GEMMA
Oh no it’s alright – she loved this show! She were forever telling me to apply: “Go on Gems, get yourself out there girl”. And now she’s dead I’ve no excuse really . . . I mean there’s nowt else to do in Blackpool, is there – except ride the Big One all day –(Motions.) up and down, up and down (Realises.) Oh Jesus! The Big One’s what they call the rollercoaster – sorry I talk a lot when I’m nervous . . . are you nervous, Tom?
BEN It’s Ben.
GEMMA Who?
BEN Me . . .
GEMMA
Oh you . . . sorry Tom. (Immediately.) Ben . . . (Calmly.) from Bristol . . .
(She passes him a tea.)
BEN Thanks . . . Gemma . . . from Blackpool . . .
(He smiles at her kindly as FRANCESCA addresses everyone.)
FRANCESCA Sooo, how’s everyone feeling about the technical challenge?
IZZY Really good, yeah.
HASSAN No sweat with me, bro.
RUSSELL According to my spreadsheet we’re due something from either Peru, Paraguay or Poland.
BEN Poland, yeah.
FRANCESCA Here, Gemma what do you think it might be?
GEMMA Me?
BABS Yeah, go on – have a guess!
GEMMA (Flustered at being centre of attention.) Oh – well – I mean . . . it might be . . .
Music
No. 5: SOMEWHERE
IN THE DOUGH
GEMMA
NEVER HAD SO MANY EYES LOOKING AT ME ASKED A SIMPLE QUESTION AND SOMEHOW IT FLUMMOXES ME SAY SOMETHING FUNNY SAY SOMETHING ANYTHING CLEVER
I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER BEEN SO INCOHERENT JUST MAKE A PLAN MAKE IT ARTISAN
LIKE I COULD WORK IN A RESTAURANT THAT’S MICHEL-IN . . .
GEMMA Well it’s a technical right, so something quite . . . technical?
IZZY Oh Jesus . . .
Episode 1: Technical
Somewhere in the Dough underscoring continues as JIM and KIM enter.
JIM Okay my little Battenbergs! For our first technical challenge we’re heading to Poland!
RUSSELL (Smugly.) Poland, yes!
JIM We’re looking for a perfectly formed Sernik królewski z brzoskwiniami.
KIM Would you like to say that again, Jim?
JIM Absolutely not.
KIM This is a traditional Polish cheesecake made with peaches and curd cheese.
(Everyone lifts their gingham tea-towel.)
IZZY (Smugly.) Oh I’ve made this hundreds of times!
BABS If it’s anything like the German variation . . .
RUSSELL Oh yes, the German variation – Mario’s favourite!
DEZZA
I mean you wouldn’t come on Bake Off without reading every single one of Pam’s 37 cookbooks . . . right Gems?!
GEMMA (Pretending to know ). Oh yeah . . . absolutely . . .
EVERYBODY SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT THEY’RE ABOUT EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE IN LITTLE DOUBT EVERYBODY KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT TO DO
HASSAN Looks pretty simple to me!
GEMMA
I CAN BARELY EVEN SAY THIS POLISH WORD AND I’M SUPPOSED TO RECREATE ONE – IT’S ABSURD! I’VE BITTEN OFF MORE THAN I CAN CHEW
I SHOULD BE READY, EXCITED CHAMPING AT THE BIT TO BE CHOSEN, INVITED ONTO SUCH A HIT BUT I PANIC I FLAP IS THIS REALLY IT? SOMETHING’S HOLDING ME BACK I DON’T WANT TO CRACK BUT THERE SOMEWHERE IN THE DOUGH SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW WHERE HAS SHE BEEN HIDING AND SHE LOOKS A BIT LIKE ME BUT THERE’S AN INGREDIENT INSIDE HER I CAN’T SEE IN THE RECIPE OF ME
(The presenters are at GEMMA’S bench.)
JIM Gemma, are you alright? You’ve gone ever so red . . .
GEMMA (Flustered.) Me oh yes – must just be the oven!
KIM You haven’t turned your oven on . . .
GEMMA (Deadpan.) Oh balls . . .
PRETTY DIFFERENT WHEN YOU’RE BAKING ON A SET WHEN YOU’VE ONLY HAD A BASIC KITCHENETTE AND YOUR ONLY CRITIC IS YOUR MUM
SHE WOULD RELISH EVERY SLICE OF CAKE I MADE SO I NEVER ONCE REGRETTED THAT I STAYED SHE DEVOURED EVERY CRUMB
EVERY NOW AND THEN I’D GO OUT ON A DATE BUT IT’S HARD TO STAY OUT LATE WHEN YOU’RE NEEDED BACK AT HOME
AND THEN SUDDENLY YOU FIND YOU’RE SORTA STUCK HANGING OUT WITH PETE – YOUR RUBBER DUCK WHERE’S THAT GIRL WITHOUT A CARE HEAVEN KNOWS SHE MUST BE THERE
SOMEWHERE IN THE DOUGH WHERE’S THE GIRL I KNOW WHY HAS SHE BEEN HIDING AND SHE LOOKS A BIT LIKE ME BUT THERE’S AN INGREDIENT STILL MISSING WITHIN ME
(The BAKERS walk with their bakes to the technical table and place them down behind photographs of their faces, as per a standard technical challenge.)
[NB: in the West End production this was achieved by the technical table being tracked on mid-song.]
GEMMA
I KNOW I CAN’T JUST RUN AWAY FROM FEAR BECAUSE I CANNOT LOSE ANOTHER YEAR I SHOULD BE STRONGER SHOULD BE BRAVE AND BOLD ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE GOING FOR GOLD I CAN’T CONTINUE LIVING ON HOLD
(The technical challenge table goes off and the BAKERS exit, their technical challenge over.)
GEMMA
COS THERE SOMEWHERE IN THE DOUGH THAT’S THE GIRL I KNOW SHOW ME HOW TO FIND HER AND SHE IS TELLING ME TO SEE THAT EVERYTHING I NEED IS THERE INSIDE OF ME WHAT’S THAT INGREDIENT I WISH I COULD SET FREE? IN THE RECIPE OF ME
(End of song.)
The thing about being on Bake Off #1
Music No. 6: THE THING ABOUT BEING ON BAKE OFF . . .
The BAKERS enter for a new day of filming.
HASSAN The thing about being on Bake Off is . . . you can’t tell anyone!
IZZY It’s like working for MI5 . . .
RUSSELL “The name’s Sponge. Victoria Sponge.”
BABS I’ve only told my neighbour Terry cos he needs to water me window box . . . and no, that’s not a euphemism!
DEZZA Of course what you don’t see on TV is how crowded it gets!
FRANCESCA There’s cameras everywhere!
IZZY Plus runners, producers . . . and a very dishy pot washer out the back!
BEN Every single oven gets tested in the morning . . .
BABS Literally some poor sod has to make a load of Victoria Sponges at 6am!
RUSSELL And every time you take something out of the oven it has to be filmed in case it falls on the floor –
(We hear something crash by DEZZA’S oven – he’s dropped something. DEZZA jumps up, annoyed.)
DEZZA Oh [SFX: bleep censor]!
BABS (Drily.) And you can’t swear either . . .
RUSSELL It’s a [SFX: bleep censor] liberty.
BEN And then once the Saturday’s over –
BABS You’ve got to do it all again the next day for the showstopper . . .
GEMMA And in the same clothes.
RUSSELL For continuity . . .
(IZZY pulls a bottle of Febreze out.)
IZZY Febreze anyone?
(IZZY sprays HASSAN.)
HASSAN Oi, mind my lucky t-shirt!
RUSSELL Quiet everyone, they’re coming!
(By this point the BAKERS are now in position for the start of their first showstopper challenge.)
Episode 1: Showstopper
Music No. 7: SLAP IT LIKE THAT
An accordion underscores as KIM, JIM, PHIL and PAM enter.
JIM is playing a child’s toy accordion.
KIM ( Attempting a cod German accent.) Velcome back bakers – to Vienna! For our first showstopper challenge this veek ve’re asking you to make an Austrian strudel. Sveet or savo-wee.
JIM Vill ve not be cancelled for zis cultural appropriation?
KIM SILENCE!
( JIM throws the accordion offstage into the wings.)
KIM (To PHIL.) Phil, you’ve spent time in Austria . . .
PHIL I have Kim, yes – delicious desserts!
PAM Cremeschnitte?
PHIL Bless you.
(PHIL)
I USED TO SKI THE AUSTRIAN ALPS I LOVED TO EXPLORE OFF PISTE
JIM / KIM Ahh!
PHIL
UNTIL ONE FATEFUL DAY I FELL AND WAS RESCUED BY A PRIEST HE BARELY SPOKE A SINGLE WORD BUT HERMAN WAS A BAKING NERD AND HIS STRUDEL IN PARTICULAR WAS FAMED
BAKERS
“JA VOL STRUDEL!”
(PHIL moves towards one of the bakers’ benches, rolling up his sleeves in preparation.)
PHIL
IT WAS ALL DOWN TO THIS ONE TECHNIQUE, HE CLAIMED . . .
BAKERS
“WIR LIEBEN STRUDEL”
PAM (Playfully.) Oh get on with it!
(PHIL picks up a ball of dough from the baker’s bench and begins to demonstrate. The bakers gather round to watch.)
PHIL
KNEADING IS ALWAYS WELL AND GOOD BUT REALLY QUITE OLD HAT IF YOU WANT YOUR DOUGH TO SWELL YOU MEIN FREUND SHOULD GIVE IT A SLAP”
YES IT FEELS A LITTLE ODD TO MAKE YOUR ARM GYRATE BUT IF YOU WANT A REVOLUTION INNOVATORS INNOVATE!
SO TRY
RAISE YOUR ELBOW HIGH
AND WHIRL IT ROUND IN THE SKY AND I’LL BE KEEPIN’ A BEADY EYE
POUND IT DOWN UPON THAT BENCH WORK IT ‘TIL YOUR BICEPS CLENCH TAKE BACK PASTRY FROM THE FRENCH (He slaps the strudel dough down.)
PHIL YOU’VE GOTTA SLAP
BAKERS SLAP?
PHIL SLAP IT LIKE THAT MAKE YOUR GLUTEN STRONG SLAP
BAKERS SLAP?
PHIL SLAP IT LIKE THAT PAM HE’S THE GOD, HE’S NEVER WRONG!
PHIL WHIP IT BEAT IT FLICK YOUR WRIST AND GIVE IT ONE ALMIGHTY TWIST I WANNA HEAR IT THWACK SLAP IT LIKE THAT BAKERS
SLAP IT LIKE THAT SLAP IT LIKE THAT COME ON
PHIL
OOH YEAH! SLAP IT LIKE THAT
BAKERS
SLAP IT LIKE THAT SLAP IT LIKE THAT COME ON
PHIL
OOH YEAH! SLAP IT LIKE –
DEZZA
I’M NOT SLAPPING ANYTHING
I’M A PEACEFUL SORT OF CHAP
RUSSELL
JUST PICTURE ANDY MURRAY’S BUM HERE’S WHAT I’D DO – I’D GIVE IT A SLAP
HASSAN
PEOPLE WILL THINK I’VE LOST THE PLOT BUT HEY – I’LL GIVE IT A GO
IZZY
THANKFULLY I RIDE A PONY SO IT’S NOT MY FIRST RODEO
BAKERS BUT WON’T THIS LOOK A BIT OBSCENE? SURELY THIS WON’T GO ON SCREEN?
RUSSELL
I THINK I’LL JUST USE MY MACHINE
(The BAKERS now attempt to follow PHIL’S instructions themselves, slapping their own dough.)
PHIL
NO YOU SHOULD SLAP
BAKERS
SLAP
PHIL SLAP IT LIKE THAT
BAKERS
RAISE YOUR ELBOW HIGH
PHIL YOU WANNA SLAP
BAKERS SLAP
ALL SLAP IT LIKE THAT SWING IT ROUND AND SKIM THE SKY
WOMEN WHIP IT
MEN BEAT IT
PHIL BANG IT HARD
PAM
HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A LITTLE BIT AVANT GARDE
BABS
I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PRAT
PHIL
OH SLAP IT LIKE THAT
BAKERS
SLAP IT LIKE THAT SLAP IT LIKE THAT COME ON
KIM
OH YEAH! YOU SLAP IT LIKE THAT
BAKERS
SLAP IT LIKE THAT SLAP IT LIKE THAT COME ON
JIM OH YEAH!
ALL SLAP IT LIKE THAT!
(BABS accidentally flings her strudel dough across the tent, which – being passed by other cast members in a comedic ‘slow-motion effect’ – flies towards PHIL until it hits him in the face.
PHIL turns around, affronted.)
PHIL Who threw this?
(BABS raises her hand.)
BABS I did.
PHIL I see . . . remind me of your name again . . .
BABS Kylie Minogue.
KIM This is Babs, Phil – remember – she was introduced yesterday . . . (PHIL looks at BABS’ dough.)
PHIL A very disappointing dough, Barbara . . .
BABS Charming . . . and it’s Babs.
PHIL Have you never slapped a strudel before?
BABS
3 times . . . and all of ’em ended up in divorce . . . (Beat.) Now I’ve been making strudel for 45 years and I’m not about to change for you. Now go on, off ya pop . . . Mr Male Judge!
(Dance / dough slap break . . .
Until PAM inspects DEZZA’S handiwork . . . )
PAM
I CAN SEE A PROBLEM HERE YOU’VE USED TOO MUCH COURGETTE
(The bakers gasp.)
PAM
SURELY YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT I DON’T LIKE IT WET
PASTRY BASES SHOULD BE DRY BUT CLEARLY YOU’VE FORGOTTEN AND YOU DON’T WANT TO BE THE GUY WHO’S GOT A . . .
(The music stops.)
PAM How can I describe it . . . ?
DEZZA (Fearfully.) Soggy bottom?
PAM Don’t be so disgusting . . .
BAKERS AHHH
(PHIL riffs (see score) over . . . )
ALL SLAP, SLAP, SLAP IT LIKE THAT RAISE YOUR ELBOW HIGH
PHIL YEAH SLAP IT LIKE THAT
ALL SLAP, SLAP, SLAP IT LIKE THAT. SWING IT ROUND AND SKIM THE SKY
JIM
WHIP IT, BEAT IT, BANG IT DOWN
KIM
THROW YOUR STRUDEL ALL AROUND
PHIL
GRAB IT LIKE A CRICKET BAT MORE A HIT THAN LITTLE PAT LET ME HEAR THAT SATISFYING SPLAT . . . Not bad!
AND SLAP IT LIKE THAT BAKERS
SLAP IT LIKE THAT SLAP IT LIKE THAT COME ON SLAP IT LIKE THAT SLAP IT LIKE THAT COME ON SLAP IT LIKE THAT SLAP IT LIKE THAT COME ON SLAP IT LIKE THAT SLAP IT LIKE THAT COME ON
PHIL SLAP
BAKERS SLAP
ALL SLAP IT LIKE THAT
(End of song.)
Episode 1: Judging and elimination
Music No. 8: EPISODE 1 JUDGING AND ELIMINATION / BIG HUG
JIM Okay bakers, let’s take a look at your show-stopping strudels.
(The BAKERS bring up their finished bakes to the two JUDGES.)
[NB: in the West End this was achieved by the bakers standing between the two judges, because putting them down on a table –as per the TV show – would slow it down too much.]
PHIL
Excellent work, Ben. Your wife’s really come up trumps with this!
BEN Ah thanks.
PAM Not bad Hassan . . . nice crack!
HASSAN (To PAM.) Cheers mate!
PHIL I would have liked this better Izzy if it wasn’t for the dead dove
IZZY Yes well it wasn’t meant to be be dead, Phil, it was meant to fly across the tent whilst cooing the National Anthem. (RUSSELL comes up with a strudel shaped like an aeroplane.)
PAM Gosh, Russell!
PHIL That’s the first and last time I’ll see a strudel in the shape of a Boeing 747.
RUSSELL It’s a 7-3 -7 actually.
PAM (Comfortingly.) Ohhh bad luck Gemma, it’s a little haphazard for me . . .
PHIL You’ve really gotta keep your cool in here –
PAM Yes, better luck next time, dear . . .
PHIL I’m afraid to say Barbara, that’s more a lattice than a strudel.
BABS (Facetiously.) In your opinion . . .
PAM Well I can’t say I’m in a hurry to eat a sauerkraut and strawberry strudel again, Dezza . . .
DEZZA (Proudly.) What can I say, I’m an innovator, Pam . . .
KIM And finally Francesca –
PAM The booze didn’t quite come through for me –
PHIL It’s got half a litre of brandy in, Pam!
PA M
Oh really – can hardly taste it . . .
(One by one, the bakers have sat on their stools ready for the first elimination.)
KIM Well bakers, I get the nice bit this week. Our first star baker of the series is . . .
(IZZY stands, grandly, believing it must be her.)
KIM Hassan!
(The BAKERS applaud and adlib congratulations to HASSAN. IZZY is horrified.)
BEN Well done Hassan.
IZZY (Loudly, falsely.) Yes “well done Hassan . . .”
(IZZY sits down, grumpily.)
JIM Which means it’s up to me to deliver the sad news. Leaving the tent this week is . . . (Long pause.) Dezza.
DEZZA (Dumbstruck.) What?! But I served my strudel on a second-hand spade!
BABS Come on Dezza . . .
(BABS goes towards him for a hug.)
BABS
BIG HUG
BIG HUG
(RUSSELL joins in.)
+ RUSSELL
BIG HUG
BIG HUG
+ BEN / GEMMA
BIG HUG
+ FRANCESCA / HASSAN BIG HUG
(The others all join in hugging. IZZY is recluctantly pulled in, not letting herself be hugged.)
BAKERS
GIVE HIM A CUDDLE
+ KIM / JIM A SNUGGLY WUGGLE BIG HUG
+ PAM / PHIL BIG HUG
IZZY (Protesting.) Yeah, not really a fan of hugging to be honest . . .
(She walks off as the BAKERS disperse.
Meanwhile KIM interviews HASSAN.)
KIM So Hassan . . . star baker!
HASSAN
Course – s’my lucky t-shirt innit! I’m never gonna take this bad boy off. (Deadly serious.) Literally never.
(KIM passes him a mobile phone.)
KIM Well, you know the drill: every star baker gets to phone home and share the good news.
(HASSAN takes the phone and KIM exits.)
HASSAN (The call connects.) Adil, it’s me – put Mum on. [ . . . ] What? Well when she’s back? [ . . . ] What about Dad? [ . . . ] Where?! [ . . . ] Ah well listen, I got star baker. [ . . . ] On Bake Off? [ . . . ] Channel 4? [ . . . ] No man, that’s Naked Attraction!
(He tuts and hangs up, shaking his head, and exits.
Meanwhile, PHIL is ready to go, holding his motorbike helmet.)
PHIL Hurry up Pam, are you coming or what?
PAM
(PAM enters with a glittery pink motorbike helmet.)
Absolutely. I just had to ask Babs about her shortcrust ratio . . . her pie was perfection!
PHIL (Re: himself.) Or you could ask The King of Pies . . .
PAM (Playing along.) Oh really - who’s that?
PHIL Come on you – cheeky get!
(They laugh together and exit.
Everyone has left, but GEMMA remains, shell shocked. FRANCESCA approaches her.)
FRANCESCA Gemma, what’s wrong?
GEMMA (Dumbstruck.) I got through . . .
FRANCESCA Of course!
GEMMA But I were crap . . .
FRANCESCA (Warmly.) You were just a little nervous – it’s totally normal – it’s only week 1!
GEMMA I were seventh place in technical and me signature was more like a fart than a tart. (Sadly.) No wonder I was the back-up . . .
(FRANCESCA senses she’s a bit down.)
FRANCESCA Text me, okay . . .
GEMMA What for?
FRANCESCA ‘Banter’!
GEMMA Banter, oh yeah – that’d be great yeah! ‘Banter’. Or cat pictures, do you like those? I’ve got a cat he’s called Mr Tibbles ’n’ he’s a bag of arthritis but –
(FRANCESCA holds her palm up.)
FRANCESCA Gemma . . . breathe
( A beat. GEMMA takes in this advice. )
GEMMA Yeah . . . yeah . . . “breathe . . .”
(PHIL HOLLINGHURST’S tiny motorbike crosses the stage with a little PAM on board.
DEZZA runs on.)
DEZZA (Calling after him.) This isn’t the last you’ve seen of me, Phil Hollinghurst!
(IZZY enters with DEZZA’S Extinction Rebellion tote bag and passes it to him.)
IZZY Actually Dezza, I think you’ll find it is . . . (With a dainty wave.) Byeeee!
(IZZY exits In darkness . . . )
VOICEOVER Coming up later on Channel 4, Kate Garraway investigates the rise of nude gardening in her new series Kate’s Bush. (Beat.) But first . . . aprons at the ready . . .
SINCE TIME BEGAN THERE’S BEEN A BONE OF CONTENTION SHOULD YOU SAY SCON* OR IS IT SCONE?
[* For clarity we have written ‘scon’ as in ‘on’ and ‘scone’ as in ‘cone’.]
JIM
IT’S A DEBATE THAT GETS A LOT OF ATTENTION BUT WE CAN’T SETTLE THIS ALONE
Episode 2: Pre-credits skit
Music No. 9: BRING ON THE SCONE
enter.
KIM
BRING ON THE SCON!
(PAM enters dressed as a giant ‘scon’.)
PAM
I’M THE SCON I DRINK TEA WITH THE QUEEN I LOVE A POSH MAGAZINE I DON’T GO NEAR ABERDEEN
JIM
BRING ON THE SCONE!
(PHIL enters dressed as a giant ‘scone’.)
PHIL
I’M THE SCONE AND I HAIL FROM CORNWALL PEOPLE SAY WE’RE ABNORMAL
JIM / KIM
LET’S SETTLE THIS FIGHT RIGHT NOW!
( A bell dings for the start.)
JIM IS IT SCONE LIKE TRAFFIC CONE?
PAM / PHIL
OO-WOW-OO! OO-WOW-OO!
KIM IS IT SCON LIKE ELTON JOHN
PAM / PHIL
UH! UH! UH! UH!
AH-AH-AH WU-UH-OH
JIM
ARE YOU A COMMONER OR A TOFF?
PAM / PHIL
AH-AH-AH WU-UH-OH
KIM
WELCOME BACK TO THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF.
(KIM does a mic drop.)
(End of song.)
Episode 2: Dessert week
Music 9A: EPISODE TWO
We hear The Great British Bake Off theme tune playing as everyone dashes to their benches.
BEN (Excitedly.) Week two! Here we gooooo!
(HASSAN walks in with a Red Bull.)
HASSAN (Yawning.) It’s half seven in the morning man, this is cruelty in action!
(RUSSELL comes in with a large cardboard box.)
RUSSELL Incoming, incoming –
FRANCESCA Russell what’s –
RUSSELL Don’t ask questions Francesca – the Russell 3000 needs no explanation!
IZZY (Pointedly.) Oh Hassan – same t-shirt . . .!
HASSAN (Thrilled.) Told you innit – luck! I’m properly gunning for a handshake today!
BEN Morning Gemma – (Spots her Crocs.) Hey, nice Crocs!
GEMMA (Smiles, proudly.) Ah thanks, I’ve got bunions.
BEN ( Amused by her.) Lovely . . .
JIM Places people!
FRANCESCA Everything okay Babs?
BABS (Flustered.) Oh it’s me neighbour Terry, I had to show him how to feed my guinea pig. And no that’s not a euphemism!
JIM Ready to roll!
IZZY (Petulantly, hissing.) Russell . . .
RUSSELL What?
IZZY You’re standing in the way.
(The music ends and IZZY’S face instantly switches from bitchy to smiley as she realises filming has begun.
JIM and KIM address the BAKERS as PAM and PHIL enter in large pairs of sunglasses, visibly hungover.)
KIM Ahoy there, bakers – Welcome back to The Great . . . (Noticing PAM and PHIL.) Excuse me . . . Hello?!
PHIL (Hoarse.) Oh sorry Kim, we’re both a bit delicate this morning . . .
PAM Bit of a big night at the BAFTAs last night . . .
PHIL Ah yeah, and then there was this fantastic after party at Claudia Winkleman’s!
PAM Claudia?! Where was my invite?
PHIL You were too busy flirting with Stormzy.
PAM (Remembering.) Oh yeah . . .
KIM
Okay people, standing by . . . and . . . Welcome back to The Great British Bake Off.
JIM This week we’re looking for a dozen cream buns. Pam?
PAM Yes they should be round and firm and stuffed full of -
JIM (Holds his hand up.) Yes thank you Pam! On your marks, get set –
KIM / JIM Bake!
(The BAKERS start to make their signature cream buns.)
Episode 2: Signature
Music No. 9B: MORNING BAKE
JIM and KIM go up to FRANCESCA.
JIM Now then lovely Francesca!
FRANCESCA (Brightly.) Morning Jim! And Kim . . . !
JIM Morning my darling, now – you like to bake for your children, is that right?
FRANCESCA That’s correct, yes . . . All 32 of them!
KIM 32 kids, wow – you must have quite the pelvic floor!
FRANCESCA Oh no, no . . . I’m a teacher: West Park Primary School. (Looks into camera / to audience.) Hey 5J – Mrs Jones is watching you!
KIM Ohhh I was going to say, my twins were bad enough . . .
JIM And what about back home, any greedy young ‘uns there?
( A slightly pained beat – this is a difficult topic for her, but she attempts to hide it well . . . )
FRANCESCA Oh, no . . . no . . . just my husband . . . Mike . . . and our tortoise: Tallulah.
Music No. 10: GROW
KIM So Francesca – what’s on the menu today?
FRANCESCA (Readies herself.) Well . . .
WHEN I WAS LITTLE MY NONNA WOULD BAKE
ITALIAN DOLCI, SHE TAUGHT ME TO MAKE PANETTONE, PANFORTE, THE FAMILY RECIPES FLOWED
JIM Adore panettone . . .
FRANCESCA
I LOVED MARITOZZI, MY FAVOURITE OF ALL A SWEET CREAMY BRIOCHE ROLLED INTO A BALL BUT THIS WAS A BUN THAT DEMANDED ATTENTION AND TIME
I’D SIT BY THE OVEN, ENGROSSED IN THE DOUGH AND NONNA SAID DARLING JUST WATCH IT
GROW GROW GROW BUN IN THE OVEN GROW GROW GROW BUN IN THE OVEN GROW
KIM Good luck Francesca.
FRANCESCA Thanks. ( JIM and KIM move away from her bench.)
FRANCESCA
ITALIAN FAMILY IS BIG LIKE OUR FOOD AND I ALWAYS KNEW THAT I LONGED FOR A BROOD SO WHEN I MET MIKE I SAID ‘STRAP YOURSELF IN FOR A RIDE!’ SO WE STARTED TO TRY, WE TRIED FOR A YEAR THEN WE WENT TO THE DOCTOR AND SHE MADE IT CLEAR IT WOULDN’T BE EASY, BUT WE WERE DETERMINED TO TRY
SO OUT WENT THE BISCUITS, THE BOOZE AND THE BREAD WE SIGNED UP TO YOGA; ATE KALE ON OUR HEAD AND MADE LOVE SO OFTEN; THE NEIGHBOURS – THEY HAD TO COMPLAIN
AND THEN CAME THE TREATMENT, THE NHS WAY AND I JABBED IN MY BELLY LIKE THREE TIMES A DAY WITH MY LEGS IN THE AIR MIKE WOULD CRADLE ME CLOSELY AND SAY
GROW GROW GROW
BUN IN THE OVEN GROW GROW GROW
BUN IN THE OVEN WE’RE WAITING FOR YOU TO GROW
BUT LIFE AS WE KNOW IT HAS OTHER IDEAS AND ONE DAY A MONTH I’D BE DROWNING IN TEARS SO I PICKED UP MY PINNY AND FOUND MYSELF STARTING TO BAKE
AND IT HELPED WITH THE PAIN KNOWING I HAD A FORM OF ESCAPE AS I ROLLED OUT THOSE BALLS TO THEIR CHILDHOOD SHAPE I WAS CALM
(3 BAKERS (BEN, IZZY and HASSAN ) sing backing vocals – either offstage or onstage, depending on your staging).
3 BAKERS
GROW GROW GROW
FRANCESCA I FINALLY HAD SOME CONTROL
3 BAKERS
GROW GROW GROW
FRANCESCA
SOMETHING THAT I COULD MAKE GROW
3 BAKERS GROW GROW GROW
FRANCESCA
I USED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU’D GROW BUT NOW I’VE REPLACED YOU WITH . . . DOUGH
IF NONNA COULD SEE ME I’D WANT HER TO KNOW HER RECIPE SAVED ME AND TAUGHT ME TO GROW
(End of song.)
Episode 2: Technical
Music No. 10A: TECHNICAL – EARLY BAKE SCENE CHANGE
PAM and PHIL enter to discuss the technical challenge, but are chatting first.
PAM
You know Phil, I went to the most extraordinary place yesterday. I’m not sure if you’ve been. It was called “TK Maxx”.
PHIL ( Amused.) Oh yeah? Pick yourself up some knockdown Calvin Kleins?
PAM No no, nothing like that – they’re stocking my new range of saucepans: “Pam’s Pans”. I think that’s quite amusing, don’t you?
PHIL
PAM
PHIL
Oh yeah I mean that could be quite a line really – Pam’s Plants . . .
Pam’s Plates . . .
Pam’s Panty Pads!
(PAM cackles mischievously then goes very serious.)
PAM That’s actually an excellent idea.
(She quickly writes it down in a tiny little notebook.)
PHIL Right then, shall we do this?
PAM Absolutely.
Music No. 10B: AMYGDALOPITA
PAM So then Phil, what have you chosen for the Technical this week?
PHIL Well this is what the Greeks call Amygdalopita – an Ancient Kefalonian Almond Cake. Almost as old as you, Pam . . .
PAM Watch it.
PHIL I think the bakers’ll really have their work cut out with this today. (HASSAN steps into a spotlight with a piece of paper.)
HASSAN (Fearfully.) Step one: make the cake . . . (He turns it over. There’s nothing on it. Uh-oh! )
PHIL But still I think I’ve been very generous with timings. ( As though it were 6 hours.) I’ve given them twenty minutes . . .
PAM Come on Philip – let’s go and see how they’ve done. (The BAKERS enter and sit on their stools.)
Music No. 11: THE HANDSHAKE SONG
BEN
EACH NIGHT I HAVE A DREAM THAT’LL HE COME TO ME WITH HIS PIERCING STARE HE’LL HAVE THAT TWINKLE IN HIS EYE
FRANCESCA & HASSAN HE’LL HAVE THAT TWINKLE IN HIS EYE
RUSSELL
PINK FROM THE OVEN’S HEAT WITH HIS STRONG PHYSIQUE MY HEART SKIPS A BEAT
GEMMA & BEN (Whispered.) SKIPS A BEAT
RUSSELL THAT MASTER BAKER’S QUITE A GUY
GEMMA & FRANCESCA QUITE A GUY!
HASSAN & BEN QUITE A GUY!
RUSSELL, BEN & HASSAN AT THE END OF HIS ARM IS AN INFAMOUS PALM AND IT SLOWLY STARTS TO TEASE ME
+ IZZY
PUT YOUR PINKIE IN MINE LET OUR DIGITS ENTWINE HOW I LONG FOR THEM TO
BEN SQUEEZE ME
BABS, RUSSELL & HASSAN SQUEEZE ME
FRANCESCA, GEMMA & IZZY SQUEEZE ME
HASSAN SO SHAKE SHAKE MY HAND LET ME FEEL YOUR TOUCH
BAKERS
UH OH IT’S NEVER TOO MUCH
HASSAN IT’S PART OF YOUR BRAND LET ME FEEL THE THRILL
BAKERS
UH OH I PRAY THAT YOU WILL
HASSAN
THERE IS SO MUCH AT STAKE WILL I EVER
GEMMA, RUSSELL & BABS EVER
FRANCESCA, IZZY & BEN EVER
HASSAN EVER GET A HANDSHAKE?
BAKERS AHHH SO SHAKE SHAKE MY HAND
RUSSELL
PHILIP WILL YOU WRAP YOUR HAND IN MINE COS I’VE GOT A BODY PART FOR YOU TO SIGN YEAH YOU CAN PICK ANY TOMATO ON MY VINE I’VE EVEN MADE YOU A BAGEL SHRINE
GEMMA / BEN
WE LOVE TO SEE YOU TOUR AROUND THE HOBS YOUR DEMONSTRATIONS REALLY TURN OUR KNOBS
IZZY / HASSAN WE READ YOUR RECIPES ALL THE TIME
(Suddenly DEZZA dashes on.)
DEZZA COS MISTER MALE JUDGE YOU’RE SO FI-NE!
( JIM enters and gently motions for DEZZA to leave, escorting him out of the tent.)
BAKERS
SO SHAKE SHAKE MY HAND LET ME FEEL YOUR TOUCH
UH OH IT’S NEVER TOO MUCH
IT’S PART OF YOUR BRAND LET ME FEEL THE THRILL
UH OH I PRAY THAT YOU WILL THERE IS SO MUCH AT STAKE WILL I EVER, EVER, E VER HASSAN GET A HANDSHAKE?
BAKERS
AHHH SO SHAKE SHAKE MY HAND
(End of song.)
Music No. 11A: HANDSHAKE PLAYOUT
(Moves us into . . . )
A surprise visitor to the tent
GEMMA is cleaning her workstation when LILY appears. She is 9 years old.
GEMMA (Warmly.) Oh hello . . . who are you?
LILY I’m Lily. Who are you?
GEMMA I’m Gemma.
LILY Are you the pot washer?
GEMMA No, I’m one of the contestants. Do I look like the pot washer?
LILY I don’t think you want me to answer that.
GEMMA And sorry, you are . . . ?
(LILY offers her hand to shake.)
LILY I’m Ben’s daughter – nice to meet you.
GEMMA Oh! Right . . . ! (She shakes it.) “Charmed!”
LILY
I’m supposed to be in the caravan with my chaperone, but she started talking about how the Earth was flat . . . so I left.
GEMMA Do want me to go and find your Dad?
LILY No, don’t worry – I’m in a heated Whatsapp argument with my best friend Kara . . .
GEMMA Well that’s not very nice, is it . . . arguing . . .
LILY She thinks Billie Eilish sucks – and let me tell you – she is wrong.
GEMMA Oh totally wrong . . .
LILY Don’t you ever argue with your best friend?
GEMMA Oh . . . I don’t really have a best friend. My Mum was my best friend . . .
LILY Where’s your Mum?
GEMMA She died.
LILY (Matter-of-factly.) Oh . . . mine too.
GEMMA Really?
LILY Didn’t you know?
GEMMA (She had no idea.) No . . . I didn’t . . . I mean, your Dad didn’t mention . . .
LILY It’s alright, I’m not going to cry . . . I’ve had so much therapy. (This lingers as BEN enters.)
BEN There you are! You little . . . (Spots GEMMA.) Oh, Gemma . . . ( Awkwardly.) You’ve met . . .
GEMMA Yeah we were just –
LILY (Mimicking the presenters.) “Gemma, a carer from Blackpool” They keep playing it through the speakers and it’s really annoying . . . no offence . . .
GEMMA Well anyway I’d better go and clean myself up – I’ve got flour all down me!
LILY And in your hair . . .
GEMMA Nice to meet you Lily.
LILY You too . . .
GEMMA (To BEN, awkwardly.) See you later Ben . . .
BEN (Trying to be casual.) Yes yes, see you Gemma, yes . . .. (GEMMA goes. LILY raises her eyebrows at BEN.)
LILY (Knowingly,) Hmmm . . . she’s nice . . .
BEN (Deflecting.) Er, yeah . . . is she? I guess . . .
LILY (Pointedly.) You never mentioned her.
BEN Didn’t I . . . ?
LILY I’ve heard all about Babs, and Russell and the irritating hipster . . . but not the pretty Northern girl . . .
BEN Well enough about her – I’ve got a bone to pick with you!
LILY Funny bone perhaps . . . ? You could do with one of those . . .
BEN They were doing one of those interview thingys earlier – you know ‘how are you feeling ’, that kinda thing – and the presenters were asking me about my Bake Off application . . .
LILY Uh oh.
BEN Exactly. So I told them that it wasn’t me who applied – but you . . .
LILY Well you kept saying no . . . which was so lame . . .
BEN
LILY
Well now I want to know what you said!
That’s between me and the producers I’m afraid. A very nice woman called Jenny swore on her hamster’s life.
BEN Lily . . .
LILY Okay fine, hold on . . . (She takes out her phone.)
LILY (She finds it.) Here we go. ( As though she’s a spy.) “Private and confidential.”
BEN Well go on then . . . read it out . . .
LILY ( As if it were obvious.) It’s downloading from the cloud.
BEN Oh well . . . (Looks up.) hope there are no storms up there . . .
LILY Urgh, that’s such a Dad joke . . .
BEN Well I am a Dad – your Dad!
Music No. 12: MY DAD
BEN And this Dad really wants to hear your mysterious application!
LILY Really?
BEN Yes!
LILY (Slightly hesitantly.) Okay . . .
(She clears her throat.)
LILY
I’M APPLYING FOR A PLACE IN THE TENT ON BEHALF OF MY DAD HIS NAME’S BEN AND IF MEN COULD BE SCORED OUT OF TEN THEN MY DAD WOULD BE NINE AND A HALF . . .
HE LOSES HALF MARKS COS HIS ICING IS SLOPPY HIS FONDANT TOO WET BUT I BET HE’D BE SO MUCH BETTER IF HE COULD JUST GET A LESS WETTER TECHNIQUE BUT IF MY DAD WAS ON YOUR SHOW I KNOW HE WOULD KILL IT
PEOPLE SAY HE’S A BAKING PRO SO HE’D DEFINITELY WIN IT BUT HE NEEDS A MAKEOVER
BAKE OFF PLEASE TAKEOVER
STOP HIM FROM WEARING HIS DENIM AND PLAID PLEASE PICK MY DAD
BEN (Looking at his plaid shirt.) Hey I like this shirt . . . it was my Granddad’s.
LILY You can tell.
BEN Well go on, carry on . . .
LILY (Lying.) No, that’s it . . .
BEN No there’s loads more . . . I can see . . .
LILY No really, it’s just waffle. Honestly . . .
BEN C’mon, give it here – it can’t be that bad. Unless you told them about my Elvis impersonation . . .
LILY Oh trust me, no-one needs to know about that . . . (He takes her phone and reads.)
BEN DEAR PEOPLE WHO PICK THE CONTESTANTS I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M SO WORRIED HE’S LET HIMSELF GO SINCE MUM PASSED AWAY
HE SPENDS EVERY DAY IN HIS SHED WITH HIS TOOLKIT –
I don’t!
LILY YES YOU DO!
(LILY continues the letter she wrote, from memory.)
LILY COS MUM WAS THE GLUE NOW HE’S FALLING APART
+ BEN
TELL HIS FRIENDS HE’S FINE BUT I KNOW THAT’S A LIE
BEN COS I STILL HEAR HIM CRY . . .
(BEN thinks about this for a moment – he hadn’t realised.)
BOTH
BUT IF MY DAD WAS ON YOUR SHOW YOU’D SEE HE’S AMAZING AND IF MUM WERE STILL HERE I KNOW SHE’D STAND UP AND PRAISE HIM COS MY DAD DID EVERYTHING HE WASHED EVERY SOCK AND HE CARED ROUND THE CLOCK DID HIS BEST JUST TO STOP HER FROM BEING IN PAIN
LILY AND I KNOW THAT HE’D DO IT AGAIN
SO GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF PRODUCERS MY DAD IS THE BEST HASHTAG BLESSED AND IT’S TRUE TOGETHER WE HAVE OUR FUN BUT I WOULDN’T MIND IF HE… MET SOMEONE THEN MAYBE HE WOULDN’T BE SAD
BOTH
PLEASE PICK MY DAD
LILY
Best wishes and regards – Lily. Aged 9. (End of song.)
The thing about being on Bake Off #2
12A: THE THING
HASSAN The other thing about being on Bake Off is . . . it’s actually proper hard.
BABS It completely takes over your life.
FRANCESCA You have to juggle your job –
IZZY (Smugly.) Very busy love life –
RUSSELL And bake every evening!
FRANCESCA ’Til 2am!
HASSAN And go to school – s’a liberty man!
BABS The show gets around 10 million viewers . . .
RUSSELL And that’s just in the UK . . .
BABS My cousin Jean in Philadelphia says it’s enormous over there!
HASSAN There’s the fear that everything you do’s gonna be on the internet – forever. Cos people get trolled you know – the comments – it’s not nice . . .
IZZY I just don’t want to become some sort of hate figure. Like Mary Magdalene . . . or Prince Harry.
HASSAN I mean who knows what people are gonna say . . . about me . . . where I’m from . . .
FRANCESCA Still . . . I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Music No.
ABOUT BEING ON BAKE OFF . . . #2
Gemma’s doubts
We segue into the next day. GEMMA is in her hotel room bathroom. She looks in the mirror above her sink, mimicking the presenter’s introduction about her.
GEMMA ( Annoyed.) “Gemma, a carer from Blackpool . . .” (Excitedly.) “Gemma . . . an astronaut! From . . . Lancashire!” (Defeatistly.) “Gemma, a sad sack from Blackpool with nowt going on who’s never even been on a bloody aeroplane before let alone the soddin’ moon!” (She practices a leaving speech.) “Listen Jim, Kim – I’ve had a brilliant time, really, but I think it’s best you find someone else to take my place – a back-up back up if you will – ” (Next door in his hotel room, RUSSELL washes his hands in his bathroom sink.)
RUSSELL Who are you talking to, Gemma?
GEMMA My . . . self?
RUSSELL Ooh I talk to myself as well.
GEMMA I know Russell, I can hear you . . . regularly . . .
RUSSELL “You are a tower of feminine strength.”
GEMMA (Beat.) Are you talking to me or you?
RUSSELL You, Gemma! “You’re truly brilliant in every way!”
GEMMA Ah thanks Russell . . .
RUSSELL No that was to me. (Beat.) It’s funny, people do tend to come into your life for a reason. Say if I hadn’t have found myself in the queue for the lavatory at Gloria Estefan – Manchester Arena, 1996 – I might not wake up every morning to a snoring Italian with wind problems. (Warmly.) But I’m very glad I did. And so somehow Gemma I think that you were meant to meet us . . .
(He puts his hand on the wall between them briefly then exits.
GEMMA hesitates, then puts her hand on the wall too. It’s a comfort to her.
FRANCESCA runs on.)
FRANCESCA Gemma, come on – we’re going to be late!
GEMMA ( About to launch into her leaving speech.) Listen Francesca – I’ve had a brilliant time – really . . .
FRANCESCA (Concerned.) Gemma?
GEMMA (She thinks – will she stay? ) I . . . (She decides to stay another day.) Yeah . . . yeah . . . let’s do this!
(GEMMA and FRANCESCA exit. They run off into . . . )
Episode 2, Showstopper
Music No. 13: ALL THE WAY
JIM, KIM, PAM and PHIL enter.
JIM and KIM do a quick opening skit as if they were American breakfast show hosts.
JIM ( American.) It’s a blazing day out there today folks. Temperatures look set to reach a record breaking 98 degrees!
KIM ( American.) I wouldn’t want to be baking cakes today! Would you Darren?
JIM No Karen.
KIM Back to you Sharon!
(They snap out of the routine.)
JIM Now for this week’s showstopper we’re looking for an iconic skyscraper.
KIM Fourteen stories high.
JIM With three moving elements.
KIM And an ice cream lift shaft.
JIM (To KIM.) Sorry did you say ice cream . . . ?
KIM I certainly did.
JIM In this heat?!
KIM We are British, we are Great –
JIM But Kim –
KIM Baaaake!
(The BAKERS are already feeling the effects of it being a hot day in the tent.)
BABS I THINK I’M MELTING THE HEAT IS UNBEARABLE
FRANCESCA
IT’S SWELT’RING! WILL MY JELLY SET?
GEMMA
MY BENCH IS SOAKING WET AND I’M DRIPPING SWEAT
IZZY AND IT ISN’T EVEN 9AM!
GEMMA
KEEP IT TOGETHER
DON’T FALL APART COS OF THE WEATHER
BABS GOTTA PUMP IT FULL OF GRENADINE
FRANCESCA
MY PISA’S GONNA LEAN
GEMMA
I’M MAKING THEM A BLACKPOOL TOW’R WITH RED ICE CREAM
BAKERS
BUT I CAN GO ALL THE WAY PAM AND PHIL ARE GONNA SEE I’M NOT GONNA FAIL TODAY I WON’T LET THE HEAT GET TO ME I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH SO EVERYONE AT HOME CAN PROUDLY SAY THAT I WENT ALL THE WAY
(BEN and GEMMA bump into each other at the freezer . . . )
BEN Oh hey Gemma.
GEMMA Hi Ben.
BEN After you –
GEMMA No, after you –
BEN Think we’ll all be needing the freezer today –
GEMMA Absolutely –
BEN I wish I could just rip off all my clothes and jump right in . . . !
GEMMA God I’d love that – (Quickly, flustered.) My clothes I mean, not yours . . . oh Jesus . . .
(The JUDGES watch the BAKERS baking whilst fanning themselves.)
PHIL IT’S NOT IDEAL THEIR GELATINE WILL JUST CONGEAL
PAM BUT THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO TO STOP THE HEAT
PHIL FEELS LIKE WE’RE IN CRETE
PAM
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE FRIDGE
PHIL BUT EVERY TOWER IS BOUND TO COLLAPSE WITHIN AN HOUR
PAM
BUT IF SHE ADDS A BIT MORE FLOUR
BOTH IT WON’T TURN INTO SLOP
JIM / KIM
2 HOURS LEFT TILL YOU CAN STOP!
BAKERS COS I CAN GO ALL THE WAY
PAM ARE YOU SURE THAT’S THIN ENOUGH?
BAKERS THEY’LL MARVEL AT MY DISPLAY
PHIL DID YOU USE FILO OR PUFF?
BAKERS BUT HOW CAN I MAKE IT THROUGH AND WORK WITH ICE CREAM ON THE HOTTEST DAY AND STILL GO ALL THE WAY
JIM Bakers you have 40 minutes left!
BAKERS TIME IS TICKING AND I’M FRETTING GOTTA GET IN THE OVEN IS IT STICKING IS IT SETTING AND MY ICING’S BEING STUBBORN
Split 1: IZZY & BEN MY CRÈME PAT IS MELTING MY JELLY BASE IS SOLID MY CUSTARD HAS CURDLED MY MADELEINES ARE HORRID
Split 2: BABS & RUSSELL
RISE MY BEAUTY RISE MY LITTLE CAKE IT’S YOUR DUTY RISE FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE
Split 3: HASSAN & FRANCESCA
SMALL CAKE
PLEASE GROW
BAKERS IN THE OVEN YOU MUST GO
(They put their bakes into the oven and pray to their ovens.)
YES YOU CAN GO ALL THE WAY GOD OF CAKE – TO YOU WE PRAY YOU LIE ON A BAKING TRAY WILL YOU RISE; WILL YOU OBEY? OO, OO . . .
( As the BAKERS wait for their bakes to bake, PHIL and PAM approach BABS.)
PHIL Feeling the heat Barbara?
BABS Mind your own beeswax . . .
PHIL ’Ere . . . knock knock . . .
BABS You what?!
PHIL Come on – knock knock . . .
BABS “Who’s there?”
PHIL Ice cream.
BABS Ice cream who?
PHIL Ice cream when you get me recipes wrong.
PAM See what I have to put up with?!
(Suddenly the music turns dramatic as GEMMA opens her freezer.)
GEMMA HOLD ON A MINUTE
COMPANY What?
GEMMA THE FREEZER – MY ICE CREAM ISN’T IN IT
COMPANY Huh?
KIM ARE YOU TRYNA SAY THAT IT’S BEEN STOLEN?
WOMEN STOLEN.
MEN WHY HAS IT BEEN STOLEN?
JIM / KIM THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE
COMPANY Oh yeah
JIM IN SEASON FIVE
RUSSELL NO IT WAS FOUR
KIM IT’S QUITE SUSPICIOUS
HER ICE CREAM WAS EVER SO DELICIOUS COMPANY BUT SOMEONE’S CLEARLY GONE AND SABOTAGED AH . . . WAS IT ESPIONAGE?
COMPANY
HOW COULD THE CAMERAS NOT HAVE SEEN?
(RUSSELL looks at his bowl, alarmed.)
RUSSELL Oh wait!
I THINK THIS MIGHT BE YOUR ICE CREAM!
GEMMA No, what?!
(GEMMA picks it up, horrified.)
JIM / KIM
IT’S A NIGHTMARE! IT’S A RUNNY GOO WHAT’S SHE THINKING? WHAT’S SHE GONNA DO?!
(Suddenly a spotlight hits a large metal bin at the end of GEMMA’S bench.
GEMMA looks at it – there’s only one thing to do . . . GEMMA picks up her cake and walks towards the bin.
Everyone slo-mo shouts: “No, don’t do it!” / “Don’t do it, Gemma!”
As GEMMA goes to put it in the bin, her fellow BAKERS stop her.)
FRANCESCA
NO DON’T PUT IT IN THE BIN THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO WIN
+ BABS & BEN
YOU’RE OUR BAKING HEROINE WHEN IN DOUBT, BAKE FROM WITHIN
GEMMA BUT HOW? IT’S IMPOSSIBLE . . .
HASSAN
I’VE GOT SOME ICE CREAM SPARE THAT YOU CAN USE
BEN ME TOO RUSSELL / BABS ME THREE
GEMMA Really?
BAKERS
IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO TRIUMPH IF YOU CHOOSE
GEMMA
I CAN DO IT I CAN SAVE MY TOWER
COMPANY
YOU’VE STILL GOT A QUARTER OF AN HOUR! (Suddenly RUSSELL holds his thumb up – it’s covered in blood! )
RUSSELL Agh!
JIM RUSSELL, ARE YOU OKAY?
RUSSELL NO NOT REALLY . . . SUDDENLY THE TENT’S LOOKING BLEARY
BAKERS WHAT’S HE GONE AND DONE?
BABS (Spoken, in rhythm.) Russell’s sliced his thumb!
GEMMA & BEN SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE THIS IS A BAKE OFF EMERGENCY
JIM & KIM
HE’S LOSING BLOOD WITH QUITE SOME URGENCY!
ALL
SOMEONE’S GONNA HAVE TO REPLACE HIM BUT WHO ON EARTH COULD EVER REPLACE HIM?
(Suddenly DEZZA bursts in through the fridge door – he has been hiding in the fridge the whole time.)
DEZZA
YES I CAN GO ALL THE WAY
ALL Dezza!
DEZZA AND THIS TIME I’M GONNA SLAY! YES I’M GONNA MAKE YOU PAY!
STAND ASIDE – OUT OF MY WAY!
( JIM takes DEZZA and escorts him out of the tent again.)
BAKERS
(Starting to panic.) THIS IS THE MOMENT I HOPE I’VE NAILED EVERY COMPONENT I REALLY THINK THAT I COULD WIN IT I’VE GOT A SHOWSTOPPING EXHIBIT
JIM / KIM
YOU’VE ONLY GOT A MINUTE!
IZZY
I’LL REACH THE TOP COME WHAT MAY SO I CAN STAND UP AND SAY
( As the final chorus plays, everyone’s bakes start to collapse dramatically one by one.)
BAKERS
AH-AH
I CAN GO ALL THE WAY
IZZY ARGH!
BAKERS
I CAN SEE THE FINISH LINE
HASSAN HELP!
BAKERS
YES I CAN GO ALL THE WAY
BABS NO!
BAKERS EVEN THOUGH WE’RE OUT OF TIME! I CAME WITH A STRATEGY (Crash! )
BAKERS BUT NOW IT’S A TRAGEDY (Boom! )
GROUP 1
I REALLY THOUGHT TODAY WOULD BE MY DAY
GROUP 2
I REALLY THOUGHT TODAY WOULD BE MY DAY
( Apart from GEMMA, everyone’s bakes have collapsed. GEMMA climbs onto the counter to the top of an absolutely perfect replica of the Blackpool Tower.)
GEMMA
YES I’LL GO ALL THE WAY
BAKERS ARGH!
( A jubilant GEMMA puts a cherry topped cupcake on top of her tower and exhales happily. She’s done it.)
[End of Act One.]
ACT TWO
A speakers’ plinth sits in front of a sign saying “Businesswoman of the Year Awards”
FEMALE VOICE
Welcome back delegates. It gives me great pleasure to welcome to the stage this year’s keynote speaker. Yes it’s Dame Pam Lee! (PAM enters to applause.)
WHEN YOU’VE HAD A DUVET RANGE THAT’S SOLD IN M&S A COOKING SCHOOL, SIX NOVELS AND YOU’VE FED THE NHS PEOPLE ASK ME “AREN’T YOU TIRED?” BUT THAT’S NOT THE WAY I’M WIRED . . .
I WAS NEVER BORN TO BE A STAY-AT-HOME RETIREE WHERE DO I GET MY ENERGY? I KEEP ON KEEPING ON
OAPS WEAR BLACK AND BEIGE SIGNALLING THEIR ELDER AGE BUT I THINK COLOUR’S ALL THE RAGE IT KEEPS ME KEEPING ON
SOMETIMES PEOPLE SAY THAT I’M A LITTLE OTT BUT I DECIDED LONG AGO THAT THAT’S MY USP
SO EAT THE PUDDING DRINK THE WINE SELL YOUR NFTS ONLINE GO BE SHIRLEY VALENTINE AND KEEP ON KEEPING ON
Music No. 14: KEEP ON KEEPING ON PAM
(The company enter, vocalising.)
COMPANY
BA-BA-DA-BA-BA-DA!
BA-BA-DA-BA-BA!
BA-BA-DA-BA-BA-DA-BA!
BA-BA-DA-BA-BA-DA-BA-BA!
BA-BA-DA-BA-BA-DA-BA!
KEEP ON KEEPING ON!
(Backing vocals under . . . )
PAM
START YOUR DAY BY KEEPING FIT DO YOUR SEVEN-MINUTE HIIT
DON’T IGNORE YOUR (COMPANY: BEEP.) FITBIT WHICH KEEPS ON BEEPING ON
COMPANY
BEEP BE-DEEP BEEP BA
PAM
COMPANY
IF YOU’RE STUCK THEN ASK ALEXA ASK ALEXA, BA DON’T LET MODERN TECH PERPLEX YA PERPLEX YA SHE CONTROLS MY SPOTIFY DA, DA SO THAT I DA, DA CAN RAP LIKE KSI
COMPANY
EVERYONE ASPIRES TO BE LIKE YOU!
PAM (KSI like.) LICK-A-BOWL-YEAH-LICK-A-LICK-A-SPOON
COMPANY
SHE CAN EVEN DO A CARTWHEEL TOO
(Drum roll. PAM does a cartwheel! )
[NB: If the actress cannot do a cartwheel, you could replace the word cartwheel for something special the actress can do. Feel free to have fun!
As an alternative version, she could tease us that she is going to do a cartwheel, then stops before she does . . . ]
PAM Well, only on Sundays . . . ]
(Backing vocals under . . . )
PAM
SO BREAK THE MOULD AND BUCK THE TREND BREAK UP WITH THAT BORING FRIEND SPEND YOUR CHILDREN’S DIVIDEND
COMPANY
(Hushed.) A 5, 6, 7, 8
PAM
COMPANY AND KEEP ON KEEPING ON KEEP ON KEEPING ON
(Dance break with tea towels.)
PAM WHY PUT ON A BATHING SUIT TO COVER UP YOUR BITS? SKINNY DIPPING IS DE JOUR AND WRINKLES ARE THE NEW COUTURE
PLAY WITH FIRE PLAY ROULETTE DIP YOUR LITTLE FINGER IN MY RACLETTE
COMPANY AND KEEP ON KEEP ON YES KEEP ON KEEP ON YOU GOTTA KEEP ON AH! KEEPING ON!
COMPANY PAM
BA-DA-DA-DA-BA-DA! KEEPING ON!
BA-DA-DA-DA-DA! KEEPING OO WAH OOO WAH OO, WAH OOO WAH AH! ON!
ALL KEEP ON KEEPING ON!
(End of song.)
Last time on The Great British Bake Off
Music No. 14A: LAST TIME ON BAKE OFF
JIM and KIM enter, with various COMPANY MEMBERS popping in and out throughout.
JIM Last time on The Great British Bake Off – after a mercury-busting meltdown . . .
BABS (Horrified.) My tower!
JIM Izzy narrowly escaped elimination –
IZZY ( Annoyed.) I’m sorry – bland?!
KIM Because thanks to a horrifying injury –
RUSSELL My thumb!!
KIM Nobody was sent home!
JIM Although Dezza was given a formal warning by the police . . .
DEZZA I’ll be back!
KIM And with Gemma crowned star baker –
GEMMA I’d like to thank everyone who knows me . . . AND GARY BARLOW
KIM We saw the very first handshake of the series –(PHIL shakes GEMMA’S hand. GEMMA gasps as his jaw drops in amazement! The company look on, amazed! )
GEMMA
HE SHOOK SHOOK MY HAND AND IT FELT SO GOOD JUST LIKE I KNEW THAT IT WOULD
BAKERS
AH, AH . . .
(She holds onto PHIL’S hand for longer than appropriate.)
JIM Okay Gemma, let go. Let him go!
(GEMMA lets go of his hand.)
KIM This week, it’s cake week!
JIM And with Russell’s thumb surgically restored . . .
RUSSELL (Thumbs up.) Ta-da!
KIM Tensions rise in the celebrity inspired signature –
BEN It’s my Labour party wedding cake: Tier Starmer
[NB: At time of writing, this joke ought to stay topical for a while, but if not, please cut or brainstorm a similar celebrity baking pun – we tried numerous versions in rehearsals: Choux-di Dench, Emanuel Macaron, Julian Eclairy, etc.]
KIM And after an even tougher technical –
JIM We’re looking for two dozen ‘cacennau cri fach’ . . . from Wales.
KIM Now everything’s riding on the final showstopper!
JIM Yes it’s all to play for on:
KIM The Great
JIM British
KIM
BAAAAAKE!
JIM ( Adds quickly.) Off.
(End of section.)
The Perfect Petit Fours
We’re in the tent – it’s the middle of the night. A full moon is outside.
BEN is baking late using a candle for light. He’s trying to improve his attempt at petit fours.
Suddenly GEMMA enters the tent surreptitiously. BEN blows the candle out and ducks.
GEMMA looks around nervously and quickly hurries over to her bench, fetching a recipe book.
BEN jumps up, startling her.
BEN Not breaking and entering, are you . . . ?
GEMMA (Startled.) Oh blimey – Ben!
BEN Cos that’s an arrestable offence . . .
GEMMA (Knowingly.) Oh well – know any police officers do ya . . . ?
BEN (Police voice.) “Care to explain your actions, madam?”
GEMMA (Doing her own police voice.) “I forgot me recipe book, officer . . . !”
BEN I’m a detective, actually –
GEMMA Detective – well! (She looks at his macarons. They’re not very good.)
GEMMA “These macarons ought to be sent down for life!”
BEN Hey!
GEMMA No no no no no they’re fine, you just need to leave them to rest a bit longer – that’s why your skin din’t form.
BEN (Impressed.) Okay Delia. I guess that’s why you got the handshake . . .
GEMMA (Faux-embarrassed.) Oh no, it’s nothing, really . . . !
BEN Gemma, it’s amazing – the first Hollinghurst handshake of the series!
GEMMA Yeah well I mean the look on Izzy’s face – worth it just for that! And she’s been to Paris! Not like me – Skeggy every year . . . (New thought.) Hey maybe after this I’ll go there meself – show ’em how it’s done!
BEN Oh yeah, Julie and me went to France once, it was amazing, I mean the pastries and the bread and –
(He trails off; the memory difficult for him.)
GEMMA Lily told me . . . about your wife . . . I’m so sorry.
BEN Three years now . . . It’s actually how I got into all this . . . Lily missed Julie’s baking so I picked up her old recipes and – voilà – here I am. Took me ages to get it right, you know – she likes it exactly . . . exactly the way Julie made it . . .
(GEMMA murmurs a mutual understanding.)
BEN But petit fours* must have somehow escaped her . . . ! There’s not a single recipe anywhere!
[* Although written pluralised as per the French word, it is pronounced without the 's'.]
GEMMA Well that’s okay!
BEN No, Gemma, it’s not! What am I supposed to do?! (Slowly increasing in panic.) I mean I’ve tried dividing everything, you know, minimising it down, but every time I make them they sink, or the pan’s too big, or the tray’s too hot, or they’re hard in the middle or soft in the middle or burnt in the middle or –
(She plonks mixture on his nose.)
No. 15: THE PERFECT PETIT FOURS
BEN What was that for?
GEMMA To shut you up! Panicking!
BEN I just don’t get the point of them!
GEMMA You what?
BEN I mean why would you bother making something so small – who are they are even for?!
GEMMA You know – those lah-de-dah types in London . . .
GEMMA
PRETEND YOU’RE IN A POSH HOTEL THE WAITER RINGS A SILVER BELL AND BRINGS ALONG A TREAT YOU DON’T EXPECT
(She offers him one of his petit fours.)
BEN The sunken ones . . . Really?!
GEMMA
TINY CAKES IN TINY PORTIONS EVERYTHING IN SHRUNK PROPORTIONS WHICH DIVINE DESERT WILL YOU SELECT? AND THEN YOU TAKE A BITE AND EVEN THOUGH IT’S TEENY TINY WHAT DELIGHT A SUGAR RUSH COMES OVER YOU
SO HERE TONIGHT I’M GONNA HELP YOU EVEN UP THE SCORE AND HELP YOU MAKE THE PERFECT PETITS FOURS
(She starts to help him improve. They set to work together.)
GEMMA
BA-DA-DA-DA
BA-DA-DA-DA-DA
DA-DA-DA-DA
BEN IT ALL SEEMS RATHER COMPLICATED AND I’M NOT THAT SOPHISTICATED I GUESS I’M MORE A TORTOISE THAN A HARE
GEMMA
THERE’S NO NEED TO BE SO DESPONDENT NOW ADD MORE WATER TO YOUR FONDANT OR MAYBE EVEN WHISKY – IF YOU DARE
BOTH SO GRAB A ROLLING PIN A MINIATURE ÉCLAIR SHOULD BE PIPED REALLY THIN WHICH ONE OF US WILL WIN?
LET’S USE THIS MANDOLIN IT’S GONNA LEAVE THE JUDGES WANTING MORE WHEN WE’VE MADE THE PERFECT PETIT FOURS
(They make the petit fours – rolling them out in formation together.)
BOTH
BA-DA-DA-DA
DA-DA-DA-DA-DA
BA-DA-DA-DA (etc. – see score – until . . . )
BEN IMAGINE WE ARE IN PAREE THE HOME OF FINE PATISSERIE SIPPING OUR SANCERRE BESIDE THE SEINE
GEMMA Bonjour monsieur!
BEN Bonjour!
OUR BELLIES FULL OF CHEESE AND WINE WHAT A TRES BIEN-ISH TIME
OH – I’M GETTING HEARTBURN YET AGAIN . . .
SO WON’T YOU DANCE WITH ME? TONIGHT BENEATH THE NOTRE DAME?
GEMMA
OUI OUI – JE SUIS
BEN THAT’S FRENCH GCSE!
BOTH IT’S WHERE WE WANNA BE AND WITH OUR FEET WE’LL TAP OUT ‘JE T’ADORE’ WHEN WE’VE MADE THE PERFECT PETIT FOURS
(Dance break.)
(BEN and GEMMA get close. We think they might kiss, but then LILY enters in her pyjamas.)
LILY Dad? Hello?! What is going on?
BEN Oh Lily, you should have seen it – Gemma and me – we were just in Paris!
LILY God, old people are weird.
GEMMA What’s wrong, sweetheart?
LILY
Oh you know – climate change, AI, corruption. [See Authors’ Notes for topical reference note.] (Beat.) And I can’t sleep . . .
GEMMA Here . . . I’ll take you back. (Very quickly.) If you want . . .
(LILY looks at her. Weighing up whether she can accept GEMMA.)
LILY Sure.
(They go. BEN watches them exit. Then he thinks.)
BEN TONIGHT I TOOK A BITE AND FELT A SORT OF FUNNY FEELING SHEER DELIGHT SHE MADE ME FEEL ALIVE AND NOW PERHAPS I MIGHT
ADMITTEDLY BE WANTING SO MUCH MORE NOW WE’VE MADE THE PERFECT PETIT FOURS!
BA-DA-DA-DA
BA-DA-DA-DA-DA THE PERFECT PETIT FOURS!
(End of song.)
(Then IZZY slowly rises up from behind one of the benches. She has been there (unseen) the whole time and is starting to get worried about her abilities in the competition.)
Music No. 15a: OBVIOUSLY (Reprise)
IZZY
OBVIOUSLY STAR BAKER HAS ELUDED ME AND OBVIOUSLY THAT’S NOT GREAT I CAME HERE TO BE THE BEST ON TV A CELEBRATED HOUSE-HOLD NAME
I’M GONNA HAVE TO UP MY GAME
I WON’T JUST TAKE IT ON THE CHIN I’M HERE TO WIN
(Deviously, she takes HASSAN’S lucky t-shirt out of her bag and stuffs it into an industrial-sized Marmite tub.
Lights fade.)
Hassan’s Story
There is a Portaloo outside the Bake Off tent. RUSSELL and HASSAN stand by it, waiting to use it. HASSAN is in his pyjamas.
HASSAN Honestly Russell, my lucky t-shirt – I’ve looked everywhere! Someone musta thrown it away!
RUSSELL
Well you can’t go on television in your pyjamas, Hassan – OFCOM will get complaints . . .
HASSAN Off what?
RUSSELL No, OFWAT’s the water regulation service.
(FRANCESCA comes out of the Portaloo.)
RUSSELL Honestly Francesca, the sartorial standards of young people today! Not like you and I, eh – dressed to impress! In fact my patent leather trousers were the talk of Bollington High Street in 1993 . . . and YES for the right reasons . . .
(RUSSELL hurries into the Portaloo quickly. HASSAN spots that FRANCESCA has been crying.)
HASSAN Whoah, hold up mate – is everything okay?
FRANCESCA Me? Yes – fine – of course . . .
HASSAN S’just – y’look you like you’ve been cryin’ –
FRANCESCA (Brushing it off.) No no – do I . . . ?
(He immediately tries to chivvy her up.)
HASSAN Ah nooo . . . come on Francesca . . . you’ve nothing to worry about . . . really – you’re dead good at baking! I’m the one who should be worrying – no-one liked my celebrity signature yesterday – CAKE. MIDDLETON
(He looks at her, dumbfounded. FRANCESCA smiles, weakly.)
FRANCESCA Nooo it’s not that . . . it’s just . . . (Thinks about how to say this.) You know when you try and get a recipe right, and you keep trying and trying and trying . . .
HASSAN Ah mate, every single night, ’til 2am
(She tests the waters of whether he understands her predicament.)
FRANCESCA Sometimes my bakes don’t always seem to rise . . . when you’ve been trying for so long . . .
HASSAN (Innocently, wide-eyed – he doesn’t get it.) Oh well, trust me Francesca, my bakes don’t always rise neither! But hey – don’t worry . . . (Genuinely lovely.) It’ll work out in the end, I’m sure. (She smiles, relieved at the advice all the same.)
FRANCESCA Yes . . . let’s hope so . . . thanks Hassan . . .
HASSAN You’re welcome bro.
FRANCESCA ( Amused.) Please don’t call me bro.
HASSAN Sis . . . ?
FRANCESCA I’m not your sister either . . . !
HASSAN Wish you were – my sisters are bare boring like. You’re all dead fashionable and that – in your old people clothes . . .
FRANCESCA Vintage!
HASSAN Vintage yeah. I’d love to have a sister like you.
FRANCESCA (Genuinely touched.) Oh thanks . . .
HASSAN (Attempts a moment of deeper connection.) It’s funny, really, innit . . . you and me . . . “The Great British Bake Off”.
FRANCESCA (Lightly.) Why?
HASSAN Well you’re Italian for starters!
FRANCESCA Yes of course, but I’ve been here sixteen years! (Still jovially.) What you are you trying to say, I don’t belong here . . . ?!
HASSAN No . . . no . . . it’s just that word . . . you know . . . British. Crazy really innit – to be thought of like that . . .
FRANCESCA (Sensitively.) How else would you be thought of?
HASSAN Syrian.
FRANCESCA (Nonchalantly.) Sorry, I thought you were from Wembley . . .
HASSAN
Well yeah I am, but – (Pondering aloud.) I mean that’s what I told them, when they asked me and that . . . Do you think I should get them to change it?
FRANCESCA It depends how you feel . . .
HASSAN Well I’ve been here half my life now. Even eat potato smileys.
(He thinks.)
Music No. 15B: HASSAN’S STORY
HASSAN I remember my first day at school here. I was 9 years old and the only English words I knew were “Hello”, “thank you” and ( À la Joey Tribbiani.) “how you doing . . . ?”. No-one really talked to me at first. I’m terrible at football, see, always have been. Which sorta put me outta place . . . So one day, my teacher – Mr Sharma – he suggests I make a cake. So I goes home yeah. Oh my days you shoulda seen me! Flour on the ceiling, butter down my uniform! Mum went totally mad! (Softly.) But there – just before midnight . . . on a Tuesday night in November . . . 24 sponge vanilla butterfly cakes . . .
(He can still see the image, proudly.)
HASSAN Sure enough, they loved it . . . lappin’ it up . . . ! They called me “Hassan the baking boy”. (With urgency.) So the next night I’m in the kitchen . . . biscuits, shortbreads, loaf cakes, tray bakes – till slowly but surely I became invited. Accepted. One of the class. (Still bugs him.) Still crap at football mind. Stupid game . . . !
(He shares a final secret with FRANCESCA.)
HASSAN I always used to think we’d go back one day, you know. Damascus – see my family . . . before it’s too late. (Innocently.) I miss the smell, Francesca. ( A far away thought.) My grandma’s courtyard. ( A very fond memory.) Lemons . . .
( A beat, then RUSSELL exits the Portaloo abruptly.)
RUSSELL I’d give it a moment if I were you, Hassan. Those date flapjacks have quite an effect after all . . .
(RUSSELL exits. A new connection holds between HASSAN and FRANCESCA.)
HASSAN Shukran Francesca – ‘thanks’ . . .
FRANCESCA (Softly.) Prego . . .
HASSAN Smash it out there, yeah?
FRANCESCA (Warmly.) Sure thing. Bro.
(End of scene.)
The weeks roll by
Music No. 16: DON’T SEND ME HOME
Back in the tent, the bakers are making their petit fours. KIM and JIM observe.
KIM
IT’S WEEK 3 IN THE BAKE OFF TENT AND TENSIONS ARE GETTING HIGH
JIM
THEY’RE GETTING HIGH
KIM
THEY’RE PINNING ALL THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS
KIM / JIM ON A MINIATURE KEY LIME PIE
KIM WILL THE JUDGES BE IMPRESSED?
JIM
CAN THEY PRODUCE THEIR VERY BEST WITHIN THE TIME?
BAK ERS
THERE’S NO MORE TIME!
WE’RE OUTTA TIME!
KIM / JIM
NOW THE JUDGES MUST DECIDE
HASSAN / GEMMA / FRANCESCA DID I BLOW MY CHANCE IN THE SIGNATURE?
IZZY
SURELY THEY WILL SCORE ME HIGH FOR MY MINI MISOGYNISTS FROM LITERATURE
RUSSELL
MY TINY TARTE TATIN HAVE FALLEN ON THE FLOOR
BAKERS WILL THEY TROLL ME? OR CONSOLE ME IF I STAY ON CHANNEL 4
DON’T SEND ME HOME (DON’T SEND ME HOME) I DON’T WANNA BE THE NEXT TO GO DON’T SEND ME HOME (DON’T SEND ME HOME) COS IT MEANS SO MUCH TO BE ON THIS SHOW WE’VE LOVED EVERY SINGLE SECOND BUT NOW WE FEAR OUR PLACE IS THREATENED DON’T SEND ME HOME
DON’T SEND ME HOME
(KIM announces the baker going home.)
KIM Russell.
RUSSELL
I’M GOING HOME
BAKERS
BIG HUG
BIG HUG
RUSSELL
I’M GOING HOME
BAKERS
GIVE HIM A CUDDLE A SNUGGLY WUGGLE
RUSSELL
I’M GOING HOME (The next week rolls around immediately.)
JIM / KIM
ANOTHER WEEK IN THE BAKE OFF TENT AND IT’S ALL ABOUT BISCUITS
BAKERS
ALL ABOUT BISCUITS (Dramatic whisper.) YEAH!
BABS
I’VE NEVER MADE A GINGER SNAP BUT I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO RISK IT
BEN MAYBE I SHOULD WHISK IT
FRANCESCA STEP ONE: MAKE THE DOUGH
HASSAN AS IF THAT’S SOMETHING I SHOULD KNOW
GEMMA WHAT’S A SUGAR RATIO?
FRANCESCA DUNNO!
+ BABS / HASSAN DUNNO!
+ IZZY / GEMMA / BEN DUNNO!
BAKERS
BEAT – BATTER – MIX – BLEND WILL THE DRAMA NEVER END?!
PAM WILL YOUR GINGER SNAP GO SNAP?
KIM / JIM SNAP!
BAKERS
(Whispered.) SNAP IT LIKE THAT!
(PHIL goes up to BABS with a gingerbread man.)
PHIL
KNOCK KNOCK
CAN YOU GUESS WHO’S THERE?
IT’S A SHORTBREAD FRED ASTAIRE AND IT’S LOOKING FOR GINGER
BABS
LOOKING FOR GINGER?!
PAM
CAREFUL YOU DON’T SINGE HER
BAKERS
DON’T SEND ME HOME (DON’T SEND ME HOME) I DON’T WANNA BE THE NEXT TO GO
DON’T SEND ME HOME (DON’T SEND ME HOME)
COS IT MEANS SO MUCH TO BE ON THIS SHOW WE’VE LOVED EVERY SINGLE SECOND BUT NOW WE FEAR OUR PLACE IS THREATENED
DON’T SEND ME HOME
DON’T SEND ME HOME
(Now it’s JIM’S turn to announce the next person going home.)
JIM ( After a tense beat.) Francesca.
FRANCESCA
I’M GOING HOME
BAKERS
BIG HUG
BIG HUG
GIVE HER A CUDDLE A SNUGGLY WUGGLE
( As everyone gets ready to leave, PHIL approaches BABS.)
BABS HEY PHIL I SURVIVED ANOTHER WEEK
PHIL
YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF MY CRITIQUE
BABS
MAYBE NOW I’M ON A WINNING STREAK
PHIL
KNOCK KNOCK
BABS WHO THERE?
PHIL IT’S ME
BABS I DON’T CARE!
( JIM and KIM are watching this exchange.)
JIM / KIM A CONTESTANT’S TAKING PHILIP ON WHO WOULD EVER BE SO HEADSTRONG? WHO KNEW SHE’D LAST THIS LONG?!
(LILY enters the tent and runs up to BEN. GEMMA is standing by him.)
LILY Sooo . . . what’s the verdict?
BEN Oh Lily I’m so sorry . . .
(LILY makes a disappointed noise.)
BEN We’re here for another week!
(LILY high fives him.)
LILY Yes! Go Dad!
BEN And Gemma got star baker two weeks running . . .
LILY Star baker?! Again?!
GEMMA I don’t know how – it’s embarrassing, really!
BEN You might just call it your “Gemma sais quoi!”
(LILY watches them talking . . . )
LILY (To herself.) MY DAD’S NOT BAD
GEMMA (To BEN, flirtatiously.) Hey, I thought you didn’t speak French!
LILY
HE’S SMILING AND IT’S NICE TO SEE THAT HE’S NOT SO SAD HE’S GOT A TWINKLE IN HIS EYE
(BEN snaps her out of her thoughts.)
BEN Right you – out of here!
( As LILY goes to exit, she passes JIM, who’s holding a 3-tier cake stand of petit fours.)
LILY Can I have a bite? Please?
( JIM holds the stand away from her.)
JIM (Kindly.) Not ’til later, small child . . .
(LILY exits as BEN and GEMMA sing privately about each other.)
BEN
I’M SO GLAD I CAME ON THIS SHOW IT’S BEEN SO AMAZING AND I’VE STARTED TO DIP MY TOE INTO A LIFE I’D LIKE TO KNOW
GEMMA
(Overlapping.) BUT HERE SOMEWHERE IN THE DOUGH HERE’S THE KIND OF LIFE I’D LIKE TO KNOW
(HASSAN is watching all this, curiously.)
HASSAN
I DON’T GET NO PEACE WHEN THERE’S FLIRTING IN THE TENT YEAH
FLIRTING IN THE TENT MAN WHEN WILL IT RELENT?
I’M TRYNA BAKE IT’S DETRACTING FROM THE SHOW I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING MORE THAN SUGAR IN THE DOUGH
GEMMA’S GOT A NEW DRESS WHO’S SHE TRYNA IMPRESS? TAKE A LOOK AT BEN MAN HE’S LOOKING LIKE A TEN WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE TENT AT NIGHT THIS IS MEANT TO BE BAKE OFF NOT MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT!
( And then finally, it’s the next week.)
BAKERS / JIM / KIM ANOTHER WEEK
THE WEEKS ROLL BY
ANOTHER CHALLENGE
WILL I SCORE HIGH?
ANOTHER PIE
(BABS gets her pie out, it’s black and steaming.)
BAKERS
GOD I HATE PIE
(HASSAN’S however, is amazing, and he is delighted with himself.)
HASSAN MAN I LOVE PIE!
BAKERS
DON’T SEND ME HOME (DON’T SEND ME HOME)
I DON’T WANNA BE THE NEXT TO GO
DON’T SEND ME HOME (DON’T SEND ME HOME)
COS IT MEANS SO MUCH TO BE ON THIS SHOW
WE’VE LOVED EVERY SINGLE SECOND BUT NOW WE FEAR OUR PLACE IS THREATENED
DON’T SEND ME HOME
DON’T SEND ME HOME
DON’T SEND ME HOME
DON’T SEND ME HOME
DON’T SEND ME HOME
( A very very long pause. This moment should feel genuinely sad –by this stage KIM and JIM don’t want anyone to go home.)
KIM (Sadly.) Babs . . .
BABS
(Surprised by how sad she is ) I’M GOING HOME
KIM, GEMMA, IZZY, JIM
BIG HUG
BIG HUG
JIM, BEN, HASSAN
BIG HUG
BIG HUG
BAKERS
GIVE HER A CUDDLE A SNUGGLY WUGGLE
(PHIL goes up to BABS.)
PHIL KNOCK KNOCK
BABS WHO’S THERE?
PHIL DOUGHNUT
BABS DOUGHNUT WHO?
PHIL
(Q uickly.) DOUGHNUT ASK ME WHY I’M SO FUNNY IT’S NOT MY FAULT
(BABS can’t help but chuckle.)
BABS Oh go on, I’ll give you that.
BABS / FRANCESCA / RUSSELL I’M GOING HOME
IZZY / BEN / GEMMA / HASSAN DON’T SEND ME ALL HOME!
(End of song.)
Conflicted feelings grow
The lights clank and abruptly change from the studio lights of the tent to signify the end of filming.
Music No. 16A: DON’T SEND ME HOME (REPRISE)
KIM Okay everyone, that’s all for this week.
PHIL (To JIM.) Here Jim, don’t suppose you’ve seen me motorbike keys?
JIM Oh hold on, let me look in my bag . . .
( JIM opens his bag and pulls out a cake stand of petit fours. He continues to look through the bag.)
JIM No idea, sorry Phil.
( JIM and PHIL exit as suddenly HASSAN finds his lucky t-shirt in the Marmite tub.)
HASSAN (Gasps.) My lucky t-shirt! In the Marmite tub! Izzy who woulda done this?!
IZZY Yes – a real mystery . . .
(Everyone disperses apart from BEN and KIM. GEMMA busies herself in the background.)
BEN (Calls.) Come on Lily – time to go!
KIM Kids, huh . . .
BEN Right?
KIM (Gently.) Why does she come . . . to the tent . . . every weekend?
BEN Since Julie died she doesn’t like me going away. I guess she’s afraid I’ll leave and . . . never come back.
KIM Makes sense . . .
(KIM senses he needs some reassurance.)
KIM You’re a great dad, Ben.
BEN Y’think? Doesn’t always feel that way . . .
KIM I don’t think . . . I know. We all do . . .
(A wracked BEN looks over at GEMMA, who’s packing her things up.)
KIM It’s okay, you know.
BEN What’s that . . . ?
KIM If there’s ‘something in the dough’ . . .
(KIM touches his arm and exits. BEN is left behind, watching GEMMA.)
BEN DON’T SEND ME HOME
I DON’T WANNA BE THE NEXT TO GO
DON’T SEND ME HOME
COS IT MEANS SO MUCH TO BE ON THIS SHOW I’VE LOVED EVERY SINGLE SECOND . . .
(LILY enters.)
LILY (To BEN.) Hello?! I was waiting in the car park?
BEN Oh I didn’t realise I was supposed to be a psychic! (Calls over.) See ya next week Gemma.
GEMMA Yeah - see ya Ben. Bye Lily . . .
LILY Byeeeee.
(BEN and LILY exit.)
(GEMMA finishes the line, thinking about BEN . . . )
GEMMA
DON’T SEND HIM HOME
(End of scene.)
Pam and Phil celebrate their union
PAM is on her mobile phone – a glass of Champagne in hand.
[NB: in the West End this scene took place on a rattan sofa ‘outside’ the tent with Pam tracking on whilst lying down (to entrance applause! ) – but you may wish to make it Pam’s dressing room as an alternative location if desired.]
PAM No I’ve told you Marjory, I’ll only go on Graham Norton if I get to go in the big red chair . . .
PHIL (Calls off, looking for her.) Pam?
PAM Got to go darling, and by the way, it’s a yes to Celebrity Traitors. (PHIL enters.)
PHIL Cor blimey Pam, tough day today!
PAM Yes I know – but still, we made the right decision. (Teasingly.) At least you won’t have Babs putting you in your place now!
PHIL Er I stood my ground with her, thankyouverymuch!
PAM Still it’ll be quite a hard semi next week, don’t you think?
(PHIL looks at her, trying not to laugh at what she’s just said. A beat, then they both burst out laughing.)
PAM Oh don’t be so childish! (Offers him Champange.) Here, do you fancy a drink?
PHIL Oh actually Pam . . . I-I-I’ve got plans tonight . . .
PAM Plans? With who?
PHIL Oh . . . er . . . no-one special, just an old pal . . .
PAM Philip . . .
PHIL (Reluctantly.) Claudia’s having a BBQ alright?
PAM Winkleman?! Again!
(She huffs, sulkily.)
PAM I suppose you’ll be presenting your own show together – “cruising with Claudia and Phil . . .”
PHIL I’m not sure what kinda documentaries you watch Pam but you’ve nothing to worry about . . . really . . .
PAM I don’t . . . ?
PHIL What are you on about?! This show means everything to me . . . (Genuinely.) You mean everything to me . . .
PAM (Beat, encouragingly.) Go on . . .
Music No. 17: I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU
PHIL No-one comes close to you Pam . . . (PAM clears her throat.)
PHIL Sorry – Dame Pam!
THE BARK TO MY BITE THE STRING TO MY KITE I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU THE BUCK TO MY BANG THE YIN TO MY YANG I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU IF I WERE RICHARD THEN YOU’D BE JUDY YOU’RE OPTIMISTIC BUT I’M JUST MOODY TIE US BOTH UP AND WE’RE STING AND TRUDIE DON’T YOU AGREE?
YOU ARE THE KIT TO MY KAT THE HI TO MY HAT I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU THE JACK IN MY BOX THE HOLES IN MY SOCKS THE PANDA WHO CHEWS MY BAMBOO IMAGINE CHRISTMAS WITHOUT THE TREE
SANTA WOULD HAVE A TO DO
OH BABY IT’S TRUE I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU
PAM Then why was I forced to open the Lutterworth Lidl by myself?
PHIL Because – it clashed with Car Fest . . . and you know I love me cars!
PAM Well you’re not some Big Hot Shot by yourself I’ll have you know.
PHIL Oh no?
PAM I’m the one who gives this partnership some class!* [*Southern vowels.]
PHIL Class. * [*Northern vowels.]
PAM CLASS!
THE KNOT IN YOUR TIE THE STYE IN YOUR EYE YOU’D NEVER BE YOU WITHOUT ME THE FROG IN YOUR THROAT THE LEAK IN YOUR BOAT THE SUGAR TO SWEETEN YOUR TEA WHERE WOULD A GIN BE WITHOUT ITS TONIC WHY DID THE KRANKIES BECOME ICONIC? WHO WAVES THE STICK IN YOUR PHILHARMONIC DARLING IT’S ME!
PHIL Damn right!
PAM YOU ARE THE WAX IN MY EAR THE PAIN IN MY REAR I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU
PHIL NO I’D NEVER BE ME!
PAM
THE ACHE IN MY HEART
PHIL
DON’T YA SEE?
PAM
THE JAM IN MY TART
PHIL YOU AND ME
PAM PETRUCHIO WITHOUT A SHREW
PHIL OH PAMMY!
BOTH WITHOUT YOU STANDING BESIDE ME DEAR CHALLENGING MY POINT OF VIEW –
PHIL I DON’T!
PAM YOU REALLY DO!
BOTH YOU KNOW THAT IT’S TRUE I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU
AND THOUGH YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU DEARLY
PAM YOU’RE DAFT AS A BRUSH
PHIL
WELL YOU’RE AN OLD LUSH
PAM
I LIKE A DRINK WITH LUNCH
BOTH
SO POP THE CORK AND POUR COS THAT’S WHAT A PARTNER’S FOR
PAM
THE CHALK TO MY CHEESE
PHIL THE BEES TO MY KNEES
PAM THE KING TO MY QUEEN
BOTH LIKE TORVILL AND DEAN
PAM THE DOG TO MY BONE
PHIL OR THE SWORD IN MY STONE
BOTH
YES I’LL BE THE SCON TO YOUR SCONE (Dance break.)
BOTH THE FISH TO MY CHIPS THE CREAK IN MY HIPS I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU A SONG WITHOUT WORDS A SKY WITH NO BIRDS OH DARLING IT JUST WOULDN’T DO WE’VE STUCK TOGETHER THROUGH THICK AND THIN ONE AND ONE ALWAYS MAKES . . . TWO
PHIL SO DARLING IT’S CLEAR
PAM
I’LL ALWAYS BE HERE
BOTH AND I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU (End of song.)
The Semi-Final
Music No. 17A: I’D NEVER BE . . . (Reprise)
Outisde the tent, BEN enters with LILY.
HASSAN and IZZY also enter as they sing their reprise, passing BEN and LILY as they go into the tent.
BEN THE SOAP ON MY ROPE
LILY
THE SKI TO MY SLOPE – W hoosh!
BOTH
I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU
LILY THE BEEF IN MY STEW
BEN THE GUM ON MY SHOE
BOTH THE SOMEONE I ALWAYS LOOK TO
(GEMMA enters, beautifully dressed – her confidence blooming. She watches LILY and BEN.)
LILY Go Dad!
(LILY high fives BEN.)
LILY
(Spotting GEMMA.) Good luck Gemma.
(LILY high fives GEMMA then exits. BEN spots how incredible GEMMA looks. He’s lost for words.)
BEN Gemma . . . you look . . . you look . . .
(Suddenly GEMMA kisses BEN. Just for a moment. But enough to reveal everything between them . . .
[NB: this is not seen by other contestants, who have already gone into the tent.]
BEN quickly hurries inside the tent. GEMMA is stunned and follows in after him quickly.
The tent entrance rises away / opens to reveal the BAKERS at their benches, with KIM, JIM, PAM and PHIL at the front.)
Music No. 18: THE SEMI-FINAL
KIM Welcome bakers to the semi-final.
JIM With only one week to go before our grand series finale, this is your last chance to prove that you know how to prove.
BAKERS TIME IS TICKING AND I’M FRETTING ONLY ONE WEEK TO THE FINAL
JIM Yes it’s the big one – bread week! Otherwise known as . . . dread week!
( A dramatic thunderclap! )
BAKERS WILL I MAKE IT? BETTER MAKE IT GOTTA MAKE IT TO THE FINAL
JUDGES WHO WILL RISE AND WHO’LL BE GOING HOME?
JIM
IF YOU FAIL THE CHALLENGE YOU WILL DIE!
(From behind his back JIM pulls a knife out, which he holds up menacingly.)
KIM Nooo, that’s Squid Game . . .
JIM Oh yeah . . . just . . . bake . . .
(They begin.)
JIM For your signature challenge we’re asking you to make a focaccia of your face!
GEMMA
DID I REALLY DID I MEAN TO DID WE . . . KISS?
BAKERS
GOTTA MAKE IT TO THE FINAL
GEMMA
NEITHER ONE OF US ARRIVED EXPECTING THIS
IZZY
DON’T SEND ME HOME
BEN / HASSAN
DON’T SEND ME HOME
GEMMA
DO YOU THINK HE THINKS I CROSSED A LINE? PERHAPS HE’S ANGRY OR HE’S FINE
I WAS JUST TESTING THE WATER BUT HE’S GOT A NINE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER NOW I’M CAUGHT I’VE OVERTHOUGHT
( A distracted GEMMA starts pouring a saltshaker into her bowl. Salt pours out . . . )
GEMMA BUT THERE SOMEWHERE IN THE DOUGH WHERE’S THE GIRL I KNOW MAYBE I HAVE . . . FOUND HER . . .
JIM (Spotting what she’s done) Gemma!!
(GEMMA realises she has let the salt pour into her bowl for too long and stops it.)
GEMMA Oh God . . .
IZZY Oops – butter fingers . . . !
GEMMA I’ll have to start again . . . h-h-how long’s left?
KIM 5 minutes to go . . .
GEMMA Oh crap!
(The JUDGES are watching.)
JUDGES A VERY STUPID MOVE FROM GEMMA WHAT A TERRIBLE MISTAKE IT POSES RATHER THE DILEMMA BUT STILL IT COMES DOWN TO THE BAKE . . .
(IZZY, BEN and HASSAN hold up their three focaccias in front of their faces on each pronounced beat.)
(GEMMA holds up a raw ball of dough, cringing. She laughs nervously.)
( And then we’re into the next challenge.)
KIM For this week’s technical we’re asking you to make a Pan de Rosca.
(The JUDGES introduce it . . . )
JUDGES
IT’S THE TOUGHEST TECHNICAL THAT WE’VE EVER SET
KIM / JIM THAT THEY’VE EVER SET
PHIL TAKING YOU TO URUGUAY
PAM YOU CAN BET IT’S NO BAGUETTE!
JUDGES IT’S THE PAN DE ROSCA + JIM / KIM A CHALLENGING BREAD!
PAM
LET’S SEE WHICH ONE OF YOU WILL GET AHEAD!
(PHIL vocalises.)
( At IZZY’S bench, IZZY is looking at the instructions. She clearly doesn’t know it . . . )
IZZY Pan de Rosca . . .
BAKERS GOTTA MAKE IT TO THE FINAL
(IZZY laughs nervously, looking around at the other contestants’ reactions.)
IZZY (Unconvincingly.) Of course I’ve heard of that . . . Who hasn’t?!
OBVIOUSLY
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THE TECHNICAL BUT OBVIOUSLY I DON’T . . .
(Her eyes widen.) THERE’LL BE NO L.A.
I’LL NEVER GET MY TAKEAWAY
I’LL BE A LAUGHING STOCK A MEME OR GIF THAT PEOPLE MOCK AND I’LL NEVER GET A COOKBOOK DEAL
I’LL NEVER RECORD A DUET WITH SEAL IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME EVER THAT I WOULDN’T WIN
(GEMMA notices something is wrong and goes over to her bench.)
GEMMA Izzy? What’s wrong?
IZZY Just leave me alone, Gemma.
GEMMA Just read it through – slowly . . .
IZZY (Snappily.) I don’t need help from you.
GEMMA Sorry?
IZZY
WELL FROM THE MOMENT YOU CAME IN HERE IT WAS CLEAR YOU HAD YOUR PLAN
GEMMA What plan?
IZZY YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH QUITE THE TRANSFORMATION EVERYONE’S SUCH A BIG FAN
OH GEMMA WE’VE ALL SEEN IT THE DUCKLING THAT TURNS TO A SWAN THE INNOCENT UNDERDOG FINALLY GOES TO THE PROM . . .
It’s going to make great TV. Not to mention you and Ben . . .
GEMMA I don’t know what you mean . . .
(GEMMA looks across at BEN, sadly. He notices and waves at her. GEMMA looks down, ashamed, and walks back to her bench.)
KIM / JIM
THEY SET A RATHER TRICKY CHALLENGE IT TOOK THEM BY SURPRISE BUT WHO IS LAGGING AND WHO’S GAINING JUDGES – CUT THEM DOWN TO SIZE!
(We hear the contestants’ technical placements. Each contestant raises their hand to indicate their place.)
PHIL (To IZZY.) Fourth.
PAM (To GEMMA .) Third . . .
PHIL (To BEN.) Second.
HASSAN (‘Of course!’ ) Lucky t-shirt, duh!
(We move into the final challenge.)
JIM And now for our semi-final showstopper! A bread landscape inspired by your favourite artist . . .
BAKERS
TIME IS TICKING AND I’M SWEATING AND I’M SO CLOSE TO THE FINAL
(PAM is at HASSAN’S bench asking him about his bake.)
PAM So Hassan. Tell us about your “Banksy Brioche”.
BAKERS IS IT READY? IS IT BREADY? IT’S A BRUTAL SEMI-FINAL
HASSAN I JUST THROW IT IN A BOWL YEAH
THROW IT IN A BOWL IT’S GONNA LOOK LIKE CONCRETE WITH A MASSIVE HOLE
(LILY enters and runs up to BEN.)
LILY
HEY DAD
BEN
OI YOU.
We’re right in the middle of filming . . .
LILY
I JUST WANTED TO TRY MUM’S BREAD LIKE I ALWAYS DO
BEN NO LILS, YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED I’ll get disqualified
LILY I JUST WANT A BITE BECAUSE I’M PROUD
(She takes a bite. Her face changes as she realises the taste is different.)
GEMMA starts looking over and watches this exchange . . . )
LILY
This isn’t Mum’s . . .
BEN Well . . .
IT’S KIND OF THE SAME BUT I ALTERED THE FLAVOURS A BIT
LILY But why?
BEN COS EARLIER GEMMA SUGGESTED THAT COCONUT MIGHT BE A HIT
LILY She did?
BEN AND ONCE YOU GET USED TO THE CHANGE I PROMISE YOU’LL SAVOUR EACH CRUMB
LILY BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND . . . IS GEMMA GOING TO BE MY NEW MUM?
BEN No Lily, of course not . . .
(Everyone turns around.)
BEN No-one could ever replace your Mum.
IZZY (Whispered aloud to GEMMA.) Ouch . . .
(BEN looks up and sees GEMMA. He wants to say something, but in this moment he has to placate LILY, so he looks away.
GEMMA goes back to her bench, upset, and shaken. She picks up the blow torch for her final bake.)
[NB: the rest of the company ‘ahh’ under . . . ]
GEMMA
I SHOULD BE READY, EXCITED CHAMPING AT THE BIT TO BE CHOSEN, INVITED ONTO SUCH A HIT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME I’VE LET DOWN MY MUM GEMMA GET IT TOGETHER ALL IT’S NOW OR NEVER
(GEMMA presses the blow torch . . . a huge flame bursts out – all over her bread. It sets fire to her bake and it goes up in flames! GEMMA screams and steps back in alarm.)
[NB: in the West End we had the luxury of a small flame fire effect – please stay safe and find an appropriate method to convey this moment.]
HASSAN
(Lots of overlapping dialogue ensues as PANDEMONIUM breaks out . . . )
[NB: Everyone speaks the following dialogue quickly all at the same time . . . ]
Oh my days! No way, man – what the hell – this is total chaos –absolutely mad!
KIM Someone call the fire brigade! (Into her intercom.) Hello –producer? Emergency, emergency . . . FIRE IN THE TENT!
IZZY EVACUATE, EVERYONE! EVERYONE GET DOWN! WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!
JIM It’s okay everyone, no need to panic – this is all under control –we don’t have a clue what to do – we have not been trained in any way at all . . .
BEN Lily, get away from there – Lily, sweetheart, don’t move – honestly – really, it’s going to be fine!
LILY Dad what’s going on? Why did it do that . . . ? What’s happening . . . Dad?
PAM
Goodness me! Do something, Phil! Philip for goodness sake!
PHIL It’s alright Pam – just thinkin’ what to do . . . any minute now . . . something’ll come . . . I’m totally on top of the situation . . .
(The panicked overlapping continues until we isolate JIM’S final line . . . )
JIM WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? WE’RE DOOMED I TELL YOU –DOOMED!!!
(Suddenly DEZZA bursts in with a fire extinguisher.)
DEZZA (Shouts.) FIREPERSON COMING THROUGH!
ALL DEZZA?!
DEZZA
Don’t worry, everyone, I know exactly what to do about an open flame – I’ve got my Duke of Edinburgh Bronze!
(Then the overlapping / speaking at the same time begins again )
JIM What on Earth is he doing here? Security, we have a breach of contestant. There is an eliminated contestant – here – again!
PAM
HASSAN
IZZY
I thought he was a hipster . . . how does he know what to do? Hipsters don’t have skills!
Ah no man, not him again . . . no way – that bloke is sooo annoying! All the time!
Oh God, this is just what we need . . . has anyone looked at the Bake Off rules? Why is he here again?
KIM How does he keep getting in here like this? Who does he think he is? Spiderman?
BEN Let him through – let him through! Dezza, mate – help!
(Until . . . )
DEZZA
JIM
Everyone stand back!
(DEZZA extinguishes the fire.
However the spray of the extinguisher not only extinguishes the bake but goes all over PAM’S face and body! PHIL has ducked behind her to save himself.
Everyone gasps.)
[NB: this effect was achieved in the West End by the actor playing PAM facing upstage as she was sprayed, her back to the audience, allowing a second comic payoff which follows below.]
(The chaos calms.)
Thank God we didn’t overreact!
BEN Is everyone okay?
(PAM turns around – her spectacles are covered in foam.)
PAM I’m fine . . . (Beat.) It’s not the first time I’ve had something explode in my face . . .
(PAM exits – fumbling around to see as she goes.)
HASSAN (Suddenly.) Wait . . . where’s Gemma?
JIM (Concerned.) Gemma?
LILY (Worried.) Where did she go?
( A beat. No-one noticed that during the pandemonium, GEMMA ran out in shame.)
DEZZA (Optimistically.) So you’re one contestant down . . . ?
ALL NO.
KIM What do we do now?
JIM This has never happened before.
KIM We’ll have to call the head of Channel 4.
(KIM and JIM nod, thoughtfully.)
JIM (Beat.) Anyone know who that is?
(Everyone disperses as we move into the next scene.)
Babs comes back
Outside the tent, BABS is standing waiting in the shadows for PHIL in a big leopard print cagoule with her hood up. [NB: so the audience can’t see who it is.]
PHIL comes out of the tent and she emerges.
BABS Knock knock.
(BABS takes her hood down.)
PHIL (Realising who it is.) Barbara . . .
BABS No, I said . . . ‘knock knock’ . . .
PHIL Oh yeah – (Playing along.) “who’s there?”
BABS Babs.
PHIL Barbara who?
BABS (Quickly in one breath.) Babs stole your motorbike keys and apparently they’re tracked by GPS and so she got a visit from the police who gave her a written warning Babs. (She holds the keys out.)
PHIL You stole me motorbike keys – but why?
BABS Because . . . I thought it would be funny . . . You on public transport . . .
PHIL Hey, how dare you! I once took an Uber.
BABS Anyway, you’ve got ’em now, so good luck in all your future endeavours and please don’t press charges alright –
PHIL Wait – Barbara –
BABS My name is Babs.
PHIL There’s actually something I’ve been wanting to ask you . . .
BABS Oh yeah . . .
PHIL It might be a little inappropriate perhaps . . .
BABS Oh well that’s not a problem . . .
PHIL I just wondered how you’d feel about giving me your . . .
BABS ( At the same time.) Number?!
PHIL ( At the same time.) Recipe.
BABS (Quickly.) Recipe, yes of course . . . !
PHIL I hate to say it but your shortcrust pastry really is better than mine.
BABS (Touched.) Go on then . . .
PHIL Aw, thanks Babs.
BABS (She gasps.) You said it . . .
PHIL (Beat, cheekily.) Said what . . . ? (He exits. She is elated! )
Music No. 19: BABS’ LAMENT
BABS I SEE HIM THERE LOOKING SO DAPPER AND FINE DON’T MEAN TO STARE, BUT GAWD IF THOSE BLUE EYES WERE MINE I WISH HE KNEW HOW MUCH MY BODY JUST YEARNS TO ENTWINE WITH HIS THAT BLISS OF A YEASTY BREADY KISS THAT BLUE-EYED BAKER SEND SHIVERS DOWN MY SPINE THAT BLUE-EYED BAKER HIS STRUDEL IS SUBLIME IMAGINE US IN STEPNEY EATING BANGERS AND MASH HE’D TAKE ME TO THE IVY AND BE SPLASHIN’ HIS CASH
THAT BLUE-EYED BAKER HE’S HANDY WITH A SPOON THAT BLUE-EYED BAKER NO WOMAN IS IMMUNE I KNOW I’M BEING SILLY AND IT NEVER COULD BE SO THERE’LL BE NO BLUE-EYED BAKER FOR ME
(She’s about to leave when she has another thought.)
BABS But still, a girl can dream, eh . . . !
IMAGINE US BOTH
WE’D LIVE ON THE COAST
HE’D MAKE A SUNDAY ROAST ON A FRIDAY MY VERY OWN NAKED CHEF
HE’S CARING AND KIND AND HE DOESN’T MIND IF I INSIST THE GRAVY’S MADE MY WAY SO BANISH THE BISTO
WE’D DRIVE IN HIS AUDI ALL OVER THE TOWN AND IF IT’S NOT CLOUDY WE’LL ‘AVE THE TOP DOWN OUR LIFE WOULD BE DREAMY
HE’D FEED ME GRISSINI AND IF I’M REALLY LUCKY HE MIGHT FILL MY PANINI
MY BLUE-EYED BAKER THE MAN THAT I ADORE THERE’S NO-ONE GREATER MY HUSBAND NUMBER 4 COS AFTER BILL AND BARRY AND TODD
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF MEN WHO ARE ODD BUT PHIL IS LIKE AN ATHENIAN GOD AND I’LL BE APHRODITE WHERE’S MY SEE-THROUGH NIGHTY?
SO FIRE UP THE OVEN TURN ON MY PILOT LIGHT
I’M HERE FOR LOVIN’ WE’LL MAKE BREAD EVERY NIGHT
I GO A LITTLE WOBBLY AT THE SOUND OF HIS NAME MY THERMOSTAT’S EXPLODED, HE’S IGNITED MY FLAME AND IF HIS BRIOCHE RISES WE’LL KNOW WHO TO BLAME GRAB THE CHEESE AND LET’S FONDUE IT
PHILIP YOU COULD SHAKE MY CRUET AND HE’LL EVEN EAT MY SUET - WAIT AND SEE! IF YA SAW THE BLUE-EYED BAKER AND ME ( Applause break.)
Music No. 19A: BABS’ REPRISE INTO BLACKPOOL
BABS BUT IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN THERE WILL BE NO STRUDEL SLAPPIN’ BUT IT’S NICE TO HAVE A CRACKIN’ FANTASY NO THERE’LL BE NO BLUE EYED BAKER FOR ME
(She exits as we move into . . . )
Gemma gets a visitor or two
We’re on Blackpool pier. It’s the middle of the night. GEMMA is standing, alone.
FRANCESCA (Offstage, shouting.) Gemma!
RUSSELL (Offstage, shouting in a sing-song voice.) Oh Gem-sies!
HASSAN (Offstage, shouting.) YO GEMMA MAN WHERE ARE YA?!
(BABS, IZZY, HASSAN, RUSSELL, FRANCESCA and DEZZA enter the pier.)
GEMMA What the –
ALL Surprise! (Music out.)
GEMMA W-w-what are you all doing here? In Blackpool? At 2am?!
DEZZA Well the thing is, Gemma –
RUSSELL (Disgruntled.) We’re too early for the illuminations.
ALL ( Admonishing him.) RUSSELL!
RUSSELL Well I’m not going to lie, Gemma, it’s very disappointing.
GEMMA (Concerned.) What’s going on?
FRANCESCA Come back to Bake Off!
GEMMA What?!
HASSAN You’ve come this far.
RUSSELL You have to finish now . . .
GEMMA No, no . . . I’m sorry but no! I mean you all saw what happened . . . I should have gone in week 1 with that stupid strudel!
RUSSELL Oh, nonsense . . .
GEMMA No . . . all I ever do is make a massive mess . . . (Meaning BEN and LILY.) For everyone. Izzy, Hassan, Ben . . . they deserve to be there, not me . . .
(Everyone looks towards IZZY, who suddenly looks very sheepish. BABS pushes IZZY forward.)
BABS Well Izzy has something to say as it goes.
IZZY The thing is Gemsies, I suppose you could say, between you and I –
HASSAN Spit it out Izzy . . . (IZZY gets a set of cue cards out.)
IZZY All my life I’ve been perfect. (Next card.) Nursery school, (Next.) Primary school, (Next.) Year 9 wind band –
BABS Get on with it!
IZZY (Next.) But when I realised you were all better than me . . . I thought I’d give myself a little “leg up” . . .
HASSAN So Izzy hid my t-shirt cos –
IZZY (No longer using the cards.) I thought it would throw him off course . . .
RUSSELL Our ice cream got switched because –
IZZY I showed him the wrong freezer –
FRANCESCA And as for your blow torch . . .
IZZY I may have switched the propane for petrol . . .
DEZZA Which is not only a pollutant but –
BABS Dezza, not now . . .
IZZY But I’ve . . . told the producers . . . ‘learnt from my mistakes’ . . . and I’ve realised it’s not about the winning. It’s . . . (Hard for her to say.) It’s . . .
BABS (Growls.) Say it.
IZZY ‘The taking part that counts’ . . .
GEMMA (Relief overcoming her.) So I wasn’t that bad after all . . .
FRANCESCA Exactly!
RUSSELL How many times do we need to tell you Gemma – you are a good baker.
BABS (Sing-song voice.) And you’re going through to the Final! (Very quickly they all get party horns and party poppers out and blow them / pop them.)
GEMMA (Beat.) But I’m scared . . .
HASSAN (Serious for a moment.) Gemma, when I came to England I didn’t even speak English. You think I wasn’t scared . . . ? But no, I carried on. Cos it’s what you have to do. Face your fears.
RUSSELL I mean you taught me how to use emojis. So now I know an aubergine . . . is not . . . an aubergine . . . (LILY and BEN enter.)
LILY And there’s another reason too.
GEMMA (Gently.) Lily . . .
LILY
Come on everyone – this is what they call serious third wheeling. (They all exit, except GEMMA and BEN.)
Music No. 20: RISE
BEN Gemma . . .
GEMMA No please, Ben, you don’t have to say anything. I should never have you told you what to do . . . With your bakes. Your wife’s bakes. Changing the recipe . . . It wasn’t my business. I interfered and that was wrong and that was never my intention and –
(BEN kisses her. Then he exits . . .
GEMMA is left alone.)
GEMMA WHAT HAVE I BEEN HIDING FROM?
THE GIRL I WAS THE GIRL I USED TO BE WHY HAVE I BEEN SO AFRAID OF EVERYTHING WHEN I COULD JUST BE ME ALL THE THINGS IN LIFE I MISSED IT’S NOT ENOUGH TO JUST EXIST I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW BUT NEVER KNEW ’TIL NOW
WHAT IF I RISE?
BREATHE IN AND COUNT TO TEN
YES IF I RISE I’LL NEVER SINK AGAIN IF I COULD RISE AND TAKE THE PATH I NEVER TOOK BEFORE I’D BE SURE
GIVE ME THE RECIPE TO FINALLY CUT THE TIES LET ME RISE
(During the rest of the song she returns to the tent for the final.)
GEMMA
ADD A SPLASH OF CONFIDENCE AND CHOP AWAY THE FEAR OF NO CONTROL MELT AWAY THE VOICE INSIDE AND BE EMPOWERED BY YOUR MIXING BOWL
CAN’T BELIEVE I EVER THOUGHT I WOULD CUT THIS JOURNEY SHORT THE MAIN EVENT INSIDE THE TENT WILL FINALLY BE ME
THEY’LL SEE ME RISE TURN UP THE HIGHEST HEAT YES IF I RISE I’LL BE THE ONE TO BE BEAT SO WHEN I RISE AND BAKE THE PATH I SHOULD HAVE BAKED BEFORE SEE ME SOAR
AS I RISE
I’LL NEVER COME BACK DOWN I WILL RISE AND COME OUT GOLDEN BROWN WHEN I RISE IN MY MIXTURE-SPLATTERED CROWN
I WILL PROVE THAT I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE WOMAN THAT I WAS BEFORE FOLLOW THE RECIPE AND YOU CAN CUT THE TIES WATCH ME RISE WATCH ME RISE WATCH ME RISE
(End of song. Applause break.)
And the winner is . . .
GEMMA exits. KIM and JIM enter, as if it’s the end of the final showstopper challenge.
KIM What a nail biting final!
JIM (Re: GEMMA’S big song.) I know – she must be exhausted after that! As the judges deliberate who will be crowned this year’s Ultimate Star Baker . . .
KIM It’s time to step outside for our annual garden party, where our winner will be unveiled . . .
( As the lighting changes with a clunk to ‘not filming’ mode, JIM and KIM relax outside the tent.)
JIM Well . . . that’s it . . . another one bites the dust.
KIM
What are you off to do next?
JIM The Great British Paint Off. Literally, paint drying.
KIM Still – same time next year?
JIM (Sorrowfully.) Actually Kim. This is going to be my last series . . . I didn’t know how to tell you before so I kept it a secret . . .
(He holds her gaze, emotionally. KIM is distraught.)
KIM Jim . . . oh my God . . .
THE SOCK TO MY SHOE
THE MEL TO MY SUE
JIM Who?
KIM
I’D NEVER BE ME WITHOUT YOU
Music No. 20A: THE MEL TO MY SUE / THE FINAL THREE
JIM
COMPANY
Only joking, Kim! Your face! ‘Don’t leave me Jim!’. See you next year!
AH-H-H-H! AH-H-H-H!
KIM / JIM / PAM / PHIL IN THE BEGINNING THERE WERE 8 NERVOUS CONTESTANTS CAME TO BAKE AND ONE BY ONE THEY TOPPLED
(The tent disappears to reveal greenery and a lush country house –the grounds that the show is filmed in.
Everyone is standing gathered for the unveiling of the winner, with a table displaying the three finalists’ elaborate final bakes.)
KIM / JIM / PAM / PHIL NOW WE INVITE THE FINAL THREE TO STAND AND BEHOLD OUR FAMOUS TROPHY
JIM / KIM BUT WHO WILL BE CROWNED THE STAR?
KIM Our three fantastic finalists:
JIM Gemma from Blackpool.
KIM Ben from Bristol.
JIM And finally Hassan –
( JIM looks to HASSAN, who nods gently.)
JIM A student from Syria, now living in Wembley.
KIM It gives me the very greatest of pleasures to announce that the winner of The Great British Bake Off is . . .
( A long tense pause and then . . . )
Music No. 21: FINALE
BABS
IF YOU’RE FEELING DOWN AND IN THE GUTTER WHY NOT MIX SOME SUGAR WITH SOME BUTTER PUT THEM IN A BOWL AND YOU’VE GOT A WHOLE LOT OF JOY
IZZY
BUT IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT THE BAKING IT’S ABOUT THE CHOICES THAT YOU’RE MAKING
FRANCESCA
GRAB A WOODEN SPOON GET YOUR APRON AND
ALL 3 SHOOT FOR THE MOON
DEZZA
COS IT’S ONLY YOU THAT CAN HOLD YOU BACK
RUSSELL
SO PICK UP THAT TIN AND GET BACK ON TRACK
ALL 5
SHOW THEM WHAT YOU’VE GOT
GEMMA
CAKE IS THE CURE THAT’S WHAT IT’S FOR IT’S AMAZING THE THINGS YOU CAN ACHIEVE
+ HASSAN
WHEN YOU ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE
+ BEN
CAKE HOLDS THE KEY
ALL 3 AND IT GOES WITH A CUP OF TEA
WHATEVER’S COME BEFORE CAKE IS THE CURE
(The BAKERS address the audience directly.)
RUSSELL
I couldn’t believe it – once the show went out I was getting stopped everywhere! Apparently I’m a viral sensation – whatever that means.
DEZZA I got offered my own TV show: The Hungry Hipster, filmed on my canal boat of course!
BABS Well I couldn’t wait around for Phil forever . . . so when my neighbour Terry invited me over for toad in the hole, how could I resist? And yes – that is a euphemism . . .
KIM EVERY SLICE TAKES YOU CLOSE TO GLORY EVERY BITE CAN TELL A LITTLE STORY
JIM BUTTER UP THAT TIN ADD THE BATTER AND JIM / KIM GIVE THE MIX A SPIN
PHIL IF YOU’RE CROSS THEN BAKE OUT THE AGGRESSION
PAM IT’S THE GREATEST FORM OF SELF-EXPRESSION
ALL 4 PUT YOUR OVEN ON AND TAKE ME ALONG BAKERS TAKE ME ALONG!
COMPANY
CAKE IS THE CURE THAT’S WHAT IT’S FOR
IT’S AMAZING THE THINGS YOU CAN ACHIEVE WHEN YOU ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE CAKE HOLDS THE KEY AND IT GOES WITH A CUP OF TEA WHATEVER’S COME BEFORE WHENEVER YOU’RE UNSURE CAKE IS THE CURE
GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO BAKE FIND THE JOY IN EVERY CAKE YOUR LIFE MAY CHANGE, YOUR HEART MAY BREAK BUT GOOD THINGS COME GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO BAKE
FRANCESCA Mike and I continue to try and grow our little bun. He or she hasn’t quite risen yet. But we live – as always – in hope . . .
IZZY Although I didn’t win – obviously – I was invited to take part in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here . . . and it turns out ostrich anus is absolutely delicious!
HASSAN
I got asked to write a recipe book . . . Sweet! (Clarifies.) That’s the title - ‘Sweet’ . . . I don’t know if I’ll go back to Syria again, but one day . . . (Hopefully.) We’ll see . . .
PHIL Claudia Winkleman invited me to the Monaco Grand Prix, but I’ve only got room in me life for one national treasure . . .
PAM And after riding on the back of Phil’s motorbike during a particularly heavy thunderstorm, I finally learnt the meaning of an actual soggy bottom!
COMPANY
CAKE IS THE CURE THAT’S WHAT IT’S FOR IT’S AMAZING THE THINGS YOU CAN ACHIEVE WHEN YOU ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE CAKE HOLDS THE KEY AND IT GOES WITH A CUP OF TEA
WE CAME TO REPRESENT WE MADE IT TO THE TENT WHATEVER’S COME BEFORE CAKE IS THE CURE
( JIM and KIM address the audience.)
JIM The thing about being on Bake Off is . . .
KIM It’s not really about the baking at all.
JIM In an empty space . . . people gather. Not to succeed. But to share . . .
KIM To go on a journey. Together.
RUSSELL Be that a baking competition . . .
DEZZA Football matches . . .
IZZY Choirs . . .
HASSAN Comedy clubs . . .
FRANCESCA The cinema . . .
BEN (With poignant gravity.) Theatre.
BABS (Beat.) Oh no I can’t stand the theatre! All that singing and dancing . . .
(BABS grimaces as GEMMA looks at her new friends.)
GEMMA It’s about the people… the friends . . .
COMPANY
GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO BAKE FIND THE JOY IN EVERY CAKE YOUR LIFE MAY CHANGE, YOUR HEART MAY BREAK BUT GOOD THINGS COME [Overlapping.] GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO BAKE . . . [Please see score.]
YES GOOD THINGS COME GOOD THINGS TO COME
YES GOOD THINGS COME
GEMMA As for me . . . I finally put my Mum’s house up for sale. Who knows what I’ll do next . . . but first things first, I bought an Interrailing ticket around Europe. I thought it was about time I tried a macaron in Paris for myself . . . !
(LILY runs on wearing a rucksack.)
LILY Gemma!
GEMMA Well – not by myself . . .
(BEN faces the audience.)
BEN Because Lily and I went with her.
LILY
COS GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO . . .
( A pause. GEMMA looks at the audience.)
GEMMA Oh, you want to know who won . . . ?
( A teasing beat – will she tell them? )
GEMMA You’ll just have to watch for yourself . . . COMPANY (Growing note.) BAKE
Music No. 22: BOWS COMPANY
CAKE IS THE CURE THAT’S WHAT IT’S FOR IT’S AMAZING THE THINGS YOU CAN ACHIEVE WHEN YOU ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE CAKE HOLDS THE KEY AND IT GOES WITH A CUP OF TEA
COS GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO BAKE YES GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO TO THOSE WHO BAKE
Music No. 23: EXIT MUSIC
VOCAL BOOK
[ C U E ] T hu nd e r c l a p S F X Vo c a l B o o k
Pr
o g u e
S u g a r, - s u g a r, - s u g a r -
e g g s A nd go l d e n - c a s t e r - s u g a r -
e n t i - t i e s . - Fo r t hey ha d no t be e n
e n t i - t i e s . - Fo r t hey ha d no t be e n No, I t hi nk yo u ' l l fi nd t hat r i t .
S t r a i g h t 3 1
# # # #
T he y eat a b i t
C AV E WO M A N ( K I M ) : S po ng y
C AV E M A N ( JI M ) : S o f t. .
C AV E WO M A N : G o o - ey
C AV E M A N : A nd … s we e t? !
C AV E WO M A N : [ W o r r i e d ] O h D e nni s, what have we d o ne?
bi t e! r i t .
Z Z Y
R A N C E S C A
# # # #
T he t wo we r e s o a f ra i d - W hat wa s t hi s t hi ng t hey' d q = 8 5 5 1
E N
M : I ' m s c a r e d, S u s a n
# # # # K I M : T hi s c o u l d c ha nge t he wo rl d !
T he t wo we r e s o a f ra i d. - W hat wa s t hi s t hi ng t hey' d m a d e?
C O M
e B a k e O ff Te n t
( Ji m , K i m , T h e B ak e r s )
C U E :
S e g u e f r o m No 1
' T h e G r e a t B r i t i s h Un d e r s c o r e ' q = 1 5 0 I t wa s my 1 1
t hat ' s why I s t a r t e d - to ba ke A t e mp o T he r e wa s t hi s 2 2 & b
G r e at Au nt Ed na ' s - s u e t - I wa s a l ways - fo r c e d to e at. No m a t t e rq = 1 5 6 1 5
how m u c h I wo u l d c hew i t, i t s t i l l fo u nd a way to r e pe at - S o o ne d ay, I s a i d to he r Au n t i e - W hy d o n ' t I g ive yo u a br e a k? S o I m a d e my own pi e o n ly - m i ne wa s n ' t - d r y. A
q = 1 7 3 5 2
t e nt!
K I M : 1 2 , 0 0 0 pe o pl e a ppl i e d fo r t hi s ye a r ’ s s e r i e s
JI M : D o c to r s a nd nu r s e s
K I M : S ho p wo rke r s a nd s ho pl i f t e r s .
JI M : Und e r t a ke r s a nd M P s
K I M : We l l L i z Tr u s s i s n ' t u p to m u c h t he s e d ays
JI M : B u t o nly t he be r r y be s t ba ke d t he i r way
to t hi s ye a r ’ s l e ge nd a r y G i ng ha m a l t a r.
K I M : Aww, a r e we fi na l ly ge t t i ng m a r r i e d ?
t e nt!
JI M : [ gr i m ac es] D o e s t hat m e a n we have to ki ss?
Ki m pu ck e r s he r l i ps
I ' ve go ne a nd
wo r n my l u c k y - t s hi r t' c o s I c a nno t - go ho m e fi r s t we e k. I
8 a nd I d i d n ' t - g e t a -
c o u l d n ' t - ke e p d own my br e a k f a s t - t hi s m o r ni ng - a nd I d i d n ' t - g e t aa nd I d i d n ' t - g e t a -
ny s l e e p!ny s l e e p!
ny s l e e p!
I ' ' ve ha d a l i t t l e - bi t o f B o tox - c o s we ' r e
4 & b b b
L L
l i ke to ba ke wi t h g a l l o ns - o f l i q u o r. - I t a l ways - l e ave s t he ne ig h bo u r s - wa nt i ng& #
b b b
r e a dy - to m a n yo u r be nc h i n t he B a ke
O ff t e nt. q = 1 2 7 9 8
JI M : S o wi t ho u t f u r t he r a - g a - d o, l e t ’ s m e e t t hi s ye a r ’ s c o nt e s t a nt s
K I M : 2 1 -ye a r- o l d s t u d e nt I z z y i s c u r r e nt ly s t u dy i ng H i s to r y o f A r t at Ca m br i dge Unive r s i t y S he ' l l be s wa ppi ng Va n G ogh [ go h] fo r Gat- eau x
D i d yo u k now my ba k i ng - s t yl e i s be s t d e s c r i be d - a s s ha bby - c hi c? 1 0 4
G o t my i ns pi - ra - t i o n - o n a ju i c e r e t r e at - i n M o z a m - bi q u e -
M u m my - s ays I ' m a pe a rl We l l, s he g ave bi r t h to m e
S l i g h t ly s l o we r, s w u n g es q = 1 8 0 1 1 2
B u t I ' m r e a l ly - ju s t a no r m a l - be a u t i - f u l - g i rl ! We l l I ' ve
be e n t he r e, d o ne t hat, s e e n i t a l l be fo r e. - I ' ve ha d t hr e e hu s ba nd s . - D o n ' t ne e d a ny - m o r e I
S t r a i g h t q = 1 8 0 1 2 8
m o r e!
b b b b b H A S S A N 1 3 6
K I M : 1 7 -ye a r- o l d Ha s s a n l ive s i n We m bl ey whe r e he ’ s c u r r e nt ly d o i ng hi s A L eve l s at s i x t h fo r m c o l l e ge A s e l f-t a ug ht ba ke r, Ha s s a n l i ke s to ke e p t hi ng s r e a l.
A s a ve g a n - I wi l l no t be c o o k i ng - wi t h bu t t e r.1 5 4 No, no bu t t e rNo, no bu t t e r& b b b b b b
I d o n ' t ne e d no r e c i - pe s - I m a ke i t u p my s e l f. - I ju s t t hr ow i t i n a bowl, ye a h.
T hr ow i t i n a bowl I ' m ne ve r - f a z e d I d o n ' t c a r e a bo u t - t ra d i - t i o n -
I ' m H a s s a n - I fo l l ow - i n t u - i - t i o nq = 1 9 0 1 4 4
1 8 6
C i a o ! q = 1 5 0
A s a m a n o f g r e at pr e c i - s i o n. - I r e ly - o n g ra phs a nd c ha r t s . 1 9 4
e
n yo u r s
q = 1 8 2 2 3 9
Now we ' r e he r e T he f a m o u s - t e
Now we ' r e he r e. T he f a m o u s - t e
K I M : Wa i t!
JI M : We ig ht? T hat ’ s a ve r y pe r s o na l
q u e s t i o n, K i m
K I M : No, t he r e ’ s s o m e o ne m i s s i ng …
Ev e r yo n e m u t t e r s : “ Mi ssi ng? ”
S l o we r q = 1 2 0 2 4 2
JI M : H e l l o, c a n we he l p yo u ?
G E M M A : E r ye a h, hi I ’ m G e m m a ?
K I M : W ho ?
G E M M A : G e m m a Yo u kno w
42 –2 49 & 3
G E M M A : I ’ m s o r r y I ’ m l at e i t ’ s ju s t I o nly go t t he c a l l t hi s m o r ni ng. . . JI M : No t to wo r r y G e m m a
K I M : B u t we are a bo u t to s t a r t s o -
Fa s t e r, i n 2
b b b b b
< q = e > 2 6 6
G E M M A : T he ba c k- u p c o nt e s t a nt
JI M : O h t he b ack u p c o nt e s t a nt, yes!
K I M : H e l - l o !
5 7
b b b b b 2 5 0 –2 5 2
JI M : And f i na l l y G e mma , a
G E M M A : Ca r e r
JI M : Fr o m
G E M M A : B l a
D i c t a t e d 2 5 8 2 6 2
c a n ' t be l i eve - t hey c ho s e m e I ' l l be o n C ha n ne l - Fo u r! My & # n # # n & 8
G o d i t ' s
no t l i ke I i m a - g i ne d - I t ' s bi g g e r - t ha n yo u t hi nk T he r e ' s
l ig ht s a nd c a m e ra s - ev e r y - whe r e, - a nd ev e r y - o ne - g e t s a s i nk. I
pa l m s a r e g e t t i ng - s we a t y. - My l e g s a r e l i ke s pa g he t - t t i !q = 1 0 0 2 7 2 B u t br i ng o n t hat fi r s t s ig na - t u r e - a nd s e e what l i e s i n s to r e, S o r i t . S o S
now we ' r e he r e q = 9 0 2 7 8 I ' m he r e!
' r e
S u e t! -
b b b b I Z Z Y
no r m a l - be a u t i - f u l - g i rl.
b
b b b b
I ' m br i ng i ng - t he fl a vo u r s - o f Ro m e a nd M i l a n. -
m a g i ne d - I t ' s bi g g e r - t ha n yo u t hi nk
b b
I ju s t t hr ow i t i n a bowl ye a h Co s m e at i s m u rd e r
I r e ly - o n g ra phs a nd c ha r t s . o n yo u r s how O n yo u r s how
e Ar r i va l o f t h e Ju d g e s
C U E :
JI M : We l c o m e to a bra nd new s e r i e s o f L ove I s l a nd - s o ge nt l e m e n i f yo u ' d l i ke to s t e p o u t s i d e,
yo u ' l l s e e K i m wa i t i ng wi t h a bu c ke t o f fa ke t a n a nd a s pat u l a
K I M : B u t, be fo r e we ge t c racki ng. . . [ G O ]
No s e r i e s o f B a ke O ff wo u l d be c o mpl e t e
wi t ho u t o u r t wo ba k i ng d e m i - G o d s [ G O O N ]
4 4 & # # # # ∑ U
( Pam , Ph i l, Ji m , K i m ) q = 1 1 0 B
JI M : Ye s i t ’ s t he ju dge s yo u k now a nd l ove -
K I M : Pl e a s e we l c o m e ba c k, nat i o na l t r e a s u r e
JI M : T he d e i t i e s o f d o ug h!
K I M : T he a l m o nd a l m ig ht i e s!
Da m e Pa m L e e! ( pau se fo r po ssi b l e appl au se ) . PA M :
p o c o r i t . A t e mp o
I a m s o d e l ig ht - e d - to be he r e o nc e m o r e. N i bb l i ng - o n yo u r no u g at -
i s a t hr i l l I ju s t a d o r e - I k now how yo u ' r e fe e l i ng , - I ' m a c o o k my s e l f - I c a n ' t
he l p yo u ba ke, bu t I ' l l g ive yo u c l u e s i f yo u l e a k o r s q u i r t o r be g i n - to o o z e A nd I ' l l a l ways - s c o r e yo u hig h ly - i f yo u a d d m o r e
C o l l a vo c e
o z e
I M : A nd now - M r B l u e Eye s hi m s e l fJI M : Ye s i t ’ s t he m a n who pu t s t he d i ng i n k ne a - d i ng. . .
K I M : Phi l H o l l i
A t e mp o r i t . 1 1
# #
G r o o v y q = 9 0 1 6
Pe o pl e - t hi nk I ' m s c a r y, - t hey d o n ' t u n d e r - s t a nd, -
no. . !
I ' m a pr o pe r - s o f t y - a nd I m ig ht ju s t s ha ke yo u r ha nd O h
H e ' s a s i l ve r - fo x
We ' r e he r e to i m pa r t - o u r ye a r s o f sk i l l, t he n o u r ag e nt s - s e nd t he m a l ove lyr i t .
Wi t h h i s s pi k y - l o c k s
We ' r e h e r e t o i m pa r t - o u r ye a r s o f s k i l l , t h e n o u r a g e n t s - s e n d t h e m a l ove l y -
bi l l B u t ev e r y - bo - dy - l ove s t he m , i t ' s Pa m a nd
C U E :
JI M : Fo r t he fi r s t t i m e, my l i t t l e ba ke r s
O n yo u r m a rk s, ge t s e t. . . .
B O T H : B a a a ke [ G O ]
D E Z Z A : I c a n’ t be l i eve t hey’ ve d o ne t hi s!
Pa s t r y we e k’ s no t u nt i l at l east we e k 5 !
H A S S A N : St i l l I ’ m ra r i ng to go i nni t
Ca n d o t hi s i n my s l e e p.
4 &
q = 1 2 5 1
b b b b b
( Izzy, T h e B ak e r s )
BA B S : I ' m ju s t he r e fo r t he e x pe r i e nc e, m e RU S S E L L : I t ’ l l be ni c e to m a ke new f r i e nd s!
I Z Z Y: I t ’ s a pr e - m e d i eva l pa s t r y c u t t e r whe e l
I s to l e i t f r o m t he c ha l e t g i rl i n Ve rbi e r.
D E Z Z A : M i nd yo u, I s u ppo s e t hat ' s what yo u ge t f r o m
[ i mpressiv el y] Ca m br i dge Unive r s i t y
T he b ak e r s are i mpresse d
I Z Z Y: [ po l i t el y m u r m u r i ng agre e m e n t ] M m m
S A F E T Y 9
b b b b b
D ezza spot s Izzy shi n i ng a past r y c u t t e r i n pre parat i o n
D E Z Z A : Wow, I z z y, what ’ s t hat?
b b b b b
B E N : Wo a h I z z y - yo u’ l l pu t u s a l l to s ha m e!
I Z Z Y: [ sw e e t l y] H o pe f u l ly, ye s . T he y al l l augh Li t t l e d o t he y real i se, she m ean s i t
b b b b b
Ev e r y - o ne - i s s o po l i t e, - A l l ' ni c e to m e e t yo u ' , ' L ove t hat d r e s s '
B S : I t ' s l i ke a c o s y l i t t l e fa m i ly
B u t t he r e ' s s o m e t hi ng - u n d e r - ne at h - t he s m i l i ng - no o ne - wi l l a d d r e s s :T he r e ' s a pr i z e to be wo n A nd I ' m no t he r e fo r f u n T he t e nt ' s s o i nn o - c e nt, - s o l i t t l e - B r i t i s h - c o u
D E Z Z A : We s ho u l d s t a r t a W hat s a pp g r o u p!
I Z Z Y: Ye a hhhh [ G O O N } U
I t ' s a bat t l e - o n a pl at e, I ' m no t he r e to m a ke f r i e nd s .
b b b b
3 & b b b b b
6 & b b b b b 2 9 & b b b b b
I ' m he r e fo r t e n o u t o f t e ns! Wi n ni ng? - O h I t
ha d n ' t - e ve n - c r o s s e d my m i nd ! ' Co s o b vi - o u s - ly - I wi l l be go i ng - a l l t he way
O b vi - o u s - ly - I ' l l s hi ne! T hey' l l d r o p o ff l i ke fl i e s, Ti l l I
2 & b b b b b PA M : S m e l l s r e a l ly go o d I z z y
s nag t he pr i z e, S o l e t t he c o m pe - t i - t i o n - be g i n - I ' m he r e to wi n.
I Z Z Y: T ha nk s Pa m ! L o v e t he ne c k l a c e by t
I Z Z Y: T hi s? O h i t ’ s a ra r e M o r o c c
m i xe
t h s e m o l i na a nd po l e nt a i nf u s e d wi t h t he bl o o d o f a s m a l l Ve ne t i a n vo l e [
ugl y] Yo u k
- s t a r t wi t h s o m e t hi ng s i mpl e
3 5 A l ways - t he s t ra ig ht A s t u d e nt, - I d o n ' t c o m e i n s e c o nd - pl a c e I f t he r e ' s a m a ra - t ho n, - B eq = 1 3 0 4 3
l i eve m e, I ' m go n na - wi n t hat ra c e, No o ne ge t s i n my way H ey, ge t o u t o f my s po t l ig ht.Yo u c a n s a s hay - a way -
g u e s t o n L o o s e Wo m e n - a nd d e s ig n - my own l i ne n, - a nd B ey o n - c é - wi l l be my be s t f r i e nd
t he new fa c e o f M a g i - m i x - I ' m wo m a n - o f t he ye a r A ba k i ng - pi o n - e e r - s o o o o h M m hm m !
b u i l d . . .
watc h t hi s c o mp e - t i - t i o n - c o s I z z y ' s - o n a m i s s i o n! -
O b vi - o u s - ly - I wi l l be go i ng - a l l t he way. O b vi - o u s - ly - i t ' s Te mp o p r i m o
O b vi - o u s - ly -
S
o m e wh e re I n e D o u g h
( G e m m a)
C U E :
BA B S : Ye a h, go o n - have a g u e s s!
G E M M A : O h - we l l - I m e a n. . . I t m ig ht be. . .
R e c i t a t i ve , w i t h e n e r g y
Ne ve r - ha d s o m a ny - eye s l o o k i ng - at m e!
A ske d a s i m pl e - q u e s t i o n, - a nd s o m e how - i t fl u m m o - xe s - m e!
S ay s o m e t hi ng - f u n ny, - S ay s o m e t hi ng , - a n y - t hi ng - c l e
t e
G E M M A : We l l i t ' s a t e c hni c a l r ig ht, s o s o m e t hi ng q u i t e. . . t e c hni
Wo u l d yo u l i ke to s ay t hat ag a i n, Ji m ?
JI M : Abs o l u t e ly no t.
K I M : T hi s i s a t ra d i t i o na l Po l i s h c he e s e c a ke m a d e wi t h pe a c he s a nd c u rd c he e s e
hi d i ng? - A nd s he l o o k s a bi t l i ke m e, bu t t he r e ' s a n i n g r e - d i - e nt - i n -
s i d e he r I c a n ' t s e e I n t he r e c i - pe - o f m e
prese n t e r s are at G e m m a ’ s b e n ch.
JI M : G e m m a, a r e yo
5 1
P r e t t y - d i f fe r e nt - whe n yo u ' r e ba k i ng - o n a s e t, whe n yo u ' ve o n ly - ha d a ba s i c - k i t c he n - -
e t t e, A nd yo u r o n ly - c r i t i c - i s yo u r M u m S he wo u l d r e l i s h - ev e r y - s l i c e o f c a ke I m a d e, s o I ne ve r - o nc e r e g r e t - t e d - t hat I
s t aye d S he d e vo u r e d - e ve r y - c r u m b
L e g a t o , e s p r e s s i vo 5 9
Ev e r y - now a nd t he n I ' d go o u t o n a d at e, bu t i t ' s ha rd to s t ay o u t
C U E : ( S E G U E )
H A S S A N : O i , m i nd my l i c k y t- s hi r t!
S l a p It L i k e a t
( Ph i l, Pam , C o m pan y)
RU S S E L L : Q u i e t eve r yo ne, t hey' r e c o m i ng!
P o c o r u b a t o h. = 5 8 2
K I M : Ve l c o m e ba c k ba ke r s - to Vi e nna
Fo r o u r fi r s t s hows to ppe r c ha l l e nge t hi s
ve e k ve ’ r e a sk i ng yo u to m a ke a n Au s t r i a n
s t r u d e l. Sve e t o r s avo -we e. JI M : Vi l l ve no t be c a nc e l l e d fo r z i s c u l t u ra l a ppr o pr i at i o n?
K I M : S I L E NC E ! ( M US I C O U T)
C U T O U T o n ' S i l e n c e ! ' ( Ju mp to ba r 1 6 A )
I M : [ to Phi l ] Phi l, yo u’ ve s pe nt t i m e i n Au s t r i
H I L : I have K i m , ye s - d e l i c i o u s d e s s e r t s! PA M : C r e m e s c hni t t e? P H I L : B l e s s yo u [ G O O N ]
C o l l a vo c e q = 1 0 0 1 8
u s e d to sk i t he Au s t r i a n - a l ps, I l ove d to e x pl o r e - o ff pi s t e - Un -
t hat!
Sl a p i t l i ke t hat, s l a p i t l i ke t hat, c o m e o n. . .
Sl a p i t l i ke t hat, s l a p i t l i ke t hat, c o m e o n. . .
O o h ye a h, s l a p i t l i ke
t hat! O o h ye a h, s l a p i t l i ke. . .
Sl a p i t l i ke t hat, s l a p i t l i ke t hat, c o m e o n. . .
Sl a p i t l i ke t hat, s l a p i t l i ke t hat, c o m e o n
T ha nk f u l - ly - I r i d e a po ny, - s o i t ' s no t my fi r s t r o d e - o ! - B u t B u t
wo n ' t t hi s l o o k a bi t o b s c e ne? - S u r e
wo n ' t t hi s l o o k a bi t o b s c e ne?
S u r e ly - t hi s wo n ' t go o n s c r e e n? - I
O h ye a h!
t hat s l a p i t l i ke
t hat!
Sl a p i t l i ke t hat, s l a p i t l i ke t hat, c o m e o n s l a p i t l i ke
t hat! t hat!
b b b b b b
Sl a p i t l i ke t hat, s l a p i t l i ke t hat, c o m e o n s l a p i t l i ke
b b b b b b
H I L : A
r
P H I L : W ho t hr ew t hi s?
BA B S : I d i d
P H I L : O h, I s e e Re m i nd m e o f yo u r na m e ag a i n BA B S : Kyl i e M i no g u e K I M : T hi s i s B a bs, Phi l - r e m
i s
i
i ng d o ug h, B a rba ra. . . BA B S : C ha r m i ng A nd i t ’ s B ab s
P H I L : Have yo u neve r s l a ppe d a s t r u d e l be fo r e?
E Z Z A ( d o ugh sl aps)
S
t hat!
Sl a p s l a p Sl a p i t l i ke t hat
ng i t r o u nd a nd sk i m t he sk y
ng i t r o u nd a nd sk i m t he sk y
Sl a p i t l i ke t hat, s l a p i t l i ke t hat, c o m e o n. . .
Ep i s o d e 1
Ju d g i n g & El i m i n a t i o n / B i g H u g
( T h e B ak e r s, Ji m , K i m , Pam , Ph i l )
S E G U E f r o m N o . 7
S l a p I t P L AYO F F q = 1 1 2
4 4 & b b b b b b 4 b b b 1 –4 & b b b 4
Fa s t e r, w i t h p u r p o s e q = 1 2 2 5
JI M : O k ay ba ke r s, l e t ’ s t a ke a l o o k at yo u r s hows to ppi ng s t r u d e l s! 5 –8 & b b b 4
P H I L : E xc e l l e nt wo rk B e n Yo u r wi fe ’ s r e a l ly c o m e u p t r u mps wi t h t hi s!
B E N : A h, t ha nk s!
PA M : No t ba d Ha s s a n ni c e c ra c k!
H A S S A N : C he e r s m at e! 9 –1 2 & b b b 8
P H I L : I wo u l d have l i ke d t hi s be t t e r I z z y i f i t wa s n’ t fo r t he d ead d o v e. . .
I Z Z Y: Ye s we l l i t wa s n’ t m e a nt to be be d ead, Phi l, i t wa s m e a nt to fl y a c r o s s t he t e nt whi l s t c o o i ng t he Nat i o na l A nt he m . 1 3 –2 0 & b b b
2 1
PA M : G o s h, Ru s s e l l !
P H I L : T hat ’ s t he fi r s t a nd l a s t t i m e I ’ l l s e e a s t r u d e l i n t he s ha pe o f a B o e i ng 7 47
P l a y f u l q = 1 2 6
RU S S E L L : I t ’ s a 7 - 3 - 7 a c t u a l ly 2 1 –2 4 & b b b
PA M : O hhh ba d l u c k G e m m a, i t wa s a l l a l i t t l e haphazard fo r m e
P H I L : Yo u’ ve r e a l ly go t t a ke e p yo u r c o o l i n he r e –
PA M : Ye s, be t t e r l u c k ne x t t i m e, d e a r
5 –2 8
[ BABS ]
& b b b
P H I L : I ’ m a f ra i d to s ay B a rba ra, t hat ' s m o r e o f a l at t i c e t ha n a s t r u d e l
BA B S : I n yo u r o pi ni o n. . . & b b b 4
PA M : We l l I c a n’ t s ay I ’ m i n a hu r r y to e at a s a u e rk ra u t a nd s t rawbe r r y s t r u d e l ag a i n, D e z z a. . .
D E Z Z A : [ pro u d l y] W hat c a n I s ay, I ’ m a n i nnovato r Pa m
K I M : A nd fi na l ly Fra nc e s c a –
3 3 –3 6 & b b b 3
2 9 ° ¢ ™ ™ ü
PA M : T he bo o z e d i d n’ t qu i t e c o m e t hr o ug h fo r m e –
P H I L : I t ’ s go t ha l f a l i t r e o f bra ndy i n, Pa m !
PA M : [ d i sm i ssiv el y] O h r e a l ly - c a n ha rd ly t a s t e i t [ M U S I C O U T]
™ ™ S A F E T Y - p a u s e l a s t t i m e
3 7 –3 9 & b b b
K I M : We l l ba ke r s, I ge t t he ni c e bi t t hi s we e k
O u r fi r s t s t a r ba ke r o f t he s e r i e s i s . . . . Ha s s a n!
( T he BAK E R S appl au d an d ad l i b c o ngrat u l at i o n s t o H AS SAN IZZ Y i s ho r r i fie d )
B E N : We l l D o ne, Ha s s a n
I Z Z Y: ( L o u d l y, fal sel y. ) Ye s, " we l l d o ne Ha s s a n " . . . 40 A
∑ U
JI M : W hi c h m e a ns i t ’ s u p to m e to d e l ive r t he s a d news [ h i g h D * ]
L e avi ng t he t e nt t hi s we e k i s [ l o w D * ]
b b b
Fa s t b a l l a d f e e l q = 1 1 5 4 2 4 4
In t he cl ear: JI M : D e z z a
D E Z Z A : W hat? B u t I
s e r ve d my s t r u d e l o n a
s e c o nd ha nd s pa d e! [ G O ]
B i g h u g b i g h u g
B i g h u g b i g h u g. G i ve h i m a c u d d l e. - A B i g h u g A
B i g h u g. G i ve h i m a c u d d l e. - A
B i g h u g b i g h u g G i ve h i m a c u d d l e - A
s n u g g - l y - wu g g l e - B i g h u g b i g h u g
s n u g g - l y - wu g g l e - B i g h u g b i g h u g
s n u g g - l y - wu g g l e. - B i g h u g b i g h u g.
s n u g g - l y - wu g g l e - B i g h u g b i g h u g L i g h t b u t
6 0 –6 3 6 4–6 7 & # # H A S S A N : [ t he c al l c o n n e c t s] Ad i l, i t ’ s m e – pu t M u m o n W hat?
2
We l l whe n s he ’ s ba c k? W hat a bo u t Da d ? W he re? ! A h we l l l i s t e n, I go t s t a r ba ke r O n B a ke O ff ? C han n el 4 ? No m a n, t hat ’ s Na ke d At t ra c t i o n! [ G O O N ] . u U
Meanw hi l e, PHIL i s ready t o go.
P H I L : H u r r y u p Pa m , a r e yo u c o m i ng o r what?
PAM e n t e r s w i t h a gl i t t e r y pi n k m ot o rb i k e hel m e t .
PA M : Abs o l u t e ly I ju s t ha d to a sk B a bs a bo u t he r s ho r tc r u s t rat i o he r pi e wa s pe r fe c t i o n!
' N e ve r B e M e ' S w u n g f e e l q = 1 3 2
2 –7 5 & # # # # #
P H I L : [ re : hi m sel f] O r yo u c o u l d a sk T he K i ng o f P i e s
PA M : [ pl ayi ng al o ng] O h r e a l ly - who ’ s t hat?
P H I L : Co m e o n yo u – c he e k y ge t!
7 6 –7 7
#
# 6 8 & # # # # # 4
S t r a i g h t ~ s t r a i g h t 8 t h s
7 8 –7
8 0 & # # 4 b 4
F R A N C E S C A : G e m m a, what ’ s wr o ng?
G E M M A : I go t t hr o ug h
F R A N C E S C A : O f c o u r s e!
G E M M A : B u t I we r e c ra p
F R A N C E S C A : Yo u we r e ju s t a l i t t l e ne r vo u s - i
G E M M A : I we r e s eve nt h pl a c e i n t e c hni c a l a nd m e s ig nat u r e wa s m o r e l i ke a fa r t
t ha n a t a r t. . . No wo nd e r I wa s t he ba c k- u
F R A N C E S C A : H e r e now, t e x t m e, o k ay
G E M M A : W hat fo r?
F R A N C E S C A : ‘ B a nt e r! ’
G E M M A : B a nt e r, o h ye a h - t hat ’d be g r e at ye a h!
‘ B a nt e r ’ O r c at pi c t u r e s, d o yo u l i ke t ho s e?
I ’ ve go t a c at he ’ s c a l l e d M r Ti bbl e s ‘ n’ he ’ s
a bag o f a r t hr i t i s bu t –- [ G O O N ]
S A F E T Y - g o o n a ny b a r
r i t . & # # # # 2
° ¢ ™ ™ ü † ™ ™
9 6 9 8
F R A N C E S C A : G e m m a. . . B r e at he. . .
A b eat, G e m m a t ak es i n t hi s adv i c e
G E M M A : Ye a h. . . Ye a h. . . “ B r e at he. . . ” 9 2 –9 3 9 4–9 5 & # # # # Mot o rb i k e d r iv es ac ro ss
D E Z Z A : T hi s i s n’ t t he l a s t yo u’ ve s e e n o f m e, Phi l H o l l i ng hu r s t!
I Z Z Y: Ac t u a l ly D e z z a, I t hi nk yo u’ l l fi nd i t i s Bye e e e!
S E G U E - T V V /O :
Co m i ng u p l at e r o n C ha nne l 4, K at e Ga r raway i nve s t ig at e s t he r i s e o f nu d e g a rd e ni ng i n he r new s e r i e s K at e ’ s B u s h [ B e at ]
B u t fi r s t a pr o ns at t he r e a dy [ S E G U E N o . 9 ]
B r i n g O n e S c o n e
C U E : V/ O Co m i ng u p l at e r o n C ha nne l 4, K at e Ga r raway i nve s t ig at e s
t he r i s e o f nu d e g a rd e ni ng i n he r new s e r i e s K at e ’ s B u s h
B u t fi r s t a pr o ns at t he r e a dy [ C L I C K G O ] ( Ji m , K i m , Pam , Ph i l )
E p i c D a n c e fl o o r C l a s s i c q = 1 2 5
Si nc e t i m e be g a n - t he r e ' s be e n a bo ne o f c o n t e n - t i o n, - S ho u l d yo u s ay s c o n o r i s i t
s c o ne?
I t ' s a d e bat e - t hat ge t s a l o t o f a t t e n - t i o n.B u t we c a n ' t s e t t l e - t hi s a l o ne - B r i ng o n t he s c o n! I ' m t he s c o n, I d r i nk 1 1
t e a wi t h t he q u e e n, I l ove a po s h m a g a - z i ne, - I d o n ' t go ne a r A be r - d e e n - B r i ng o n t he s c o ne!
I ' m t he s c o ne a nd I ha i l f r o m Co r n wa l l, - pe o pl e - s ay we ' r e a b no r - m a lL e t ' s s e t t l e - t hi s fi g ht r ig ht now!
I s i t s c o ne l i ke t ra ffi c - c o ne? O o wow - o o ! - O o wow - o o ! - I s i t s c o n l i ke El to n - Jo hn
U h! u h! u h! u h! A h a h a h u h u h a h! A r e yo u a c o m m o n - e r - o r a to ff ?
M & K I M ( 8 vb)
E T 9 A 9 B A h a h a h u h u h a h! We l c o m e - ba c k to t he G r e at B r i t i s h - B a ke O
Ep i s o d e Two ( U n d e r s c o re ) Mo rn i n g B a k e
E T ( U n d e r s c o re )
S E G U E f r o m N o . 9 B
q. = 7 6
( Fran c es c a, Izzy, B e n , Hassan )
I M : S o Fra nc e s c a - what ’ s o n t he m e nu to d ay?
8 & # 4
R A N C E S C A : [ read i es he r sel f] We l l
he n I
g r ow g r ow g r ow
r l i ng - ju s t watc h i t
B u n i n t he o ve n - g r ow g r ow g r ow
M : G o o d l u c k, Fra nc e s c a
B u n i n t he o ve n - g r ow. I t -
e H a n d s h a k e S o n g
( T h e B ak e r s )
C U E : ( S E G U E )
P H I L : B u t s t i l l, I t hi nk I ' ve be e n ve r y ge ne r o u s wi t h t i m i ng s, I ' ve g ive n t he m 2 0 m i nu t e s
PA M : Co m e o n Phi l i p – l e t ' s go a n s e e how t hey' ve d o ne. [ G O ]
B o y b a n d B a l l a d q = 7 4
E a c h nig ht I have a d r e a m t hat he ' l l c o m e to m e wi t h hi s pi e r c i ng - s t a r e, 5
H e ' l l have t hat t wi n k l e - i n hi s eye.
V s : F R A N C E S C A / H
H e ' l l have t hat t wi n k l e - i n hi s eye.
P i nk f r o m t he ov e n ' s - he at, wi t h hi s s t r o ng phy s i q u e,
E N / G E M M A ( w h i s p e r e d
k i ps a be
( U h o h, i t ’ s ne ve r - to o m u c h) I t ’ s pa r t o f yo u r bra nd L e t m e fe e l t he t hr i l l
( U h o h, I pray t hat yo u - wi l l ) 2 2 T he r e i s s o m u c h at s t a ke, wi l l I E -
E ve r? - A hhh S o s ha ke, s ha ke my ha nd.
E ve r. . . - A hhh S o s ha ke, s ha ke my ha nd.
ve r? E ve r - ge t a ha nd s ha ke? - A h S o s ha ke, s ha ke my ha nd.
Phi l i p - wi l l yo u wra p yo u r ha nd i n m i ne? ' Co s I ' ve go t a bo dy - pa r t fo r yo u to s ig n q = 7 5 4 5
Co s M i s t e r - M a l e - Ju dge, yo u ' r e s o fi ne!
r e a d yo u r r e c i - pe s - a l l t he t i m e S o S
s ha ke,
ha ke, s ha ke my
C U E : B E N : We l l I am a Da d - yo u r Da d ! ( Li l y, B e n ) My D a d I ' m a ppq. = 7 2 ly i ng - fo r a pl a c e i n t
ay he ' s a 2 1 ba k i ng - pr o s o he ' d d e f i ni t e - ly - wi n i t, bu t he ne e d s a m a ke o - ve r, - B a ke O ff pl e a s
l
P u s h o n q. = 7 6 3 3
d a d
L I LY: [ l yi ng] No, t hat ’ s i t
B E N : No, t he r e ’ s
B E N : H ey I l i ke t hi s s hi r t. . . I t wa s my G ra nd
L I LY: Yo u c a n t e l l.
B E N : We l l go o n, c a r r y o n
D e a r
Te mp o p r i m o q. = q. 7 2 4 9
pe o p l e - who pi c k t he c o n t e s t - a nt s - I ne e d yo u to k now I ' m s o
wo r r i e d - he ' s l e t hi m s e l f - go. Si nc e M u m pa s s e d a way - he s pe nd s ev e r y - d ay
i n hi s s he d wi t h hi s to o l k i t - I d o n ' t!
Ye s yo u d o ! Co s M u m wa s t he
g l u e, now he ' s fa l l i ng - a p a r t - Te l l s hi s f r i e nd s he ' s fi ne bu t
Te l l s hi s f r i e nd s he ' s fi ne bu t &
I k now t hat ' s a l i e.
I k now t hat ' s a l i e. Co s I s t i l l he a r hi m c r y.
C U E :
F R A N C E S C A : G e m m a, c o m e o n - we ’ r e go i ng to be l at e!
G E M M A : L i s t e n Fra nc e s c a - I ’ ve ha d a br i l l i a nt t i m e - r e a l ly
F R A N C E S C A : G e m m a ?
G E M M A : I Ye a h ye a h l e t ’ s d o t hi s! [ G O ]
JI M : [ Am e r i c an ] I t ’ s a bl a z i ng d ay o u t t he r e to d ay fo l k s . Te mpe rat u r e s l o o k s e t to r e a c h a r e c o rd br e a k i ng 9 8 d e g r e e s!
K I M : [ Am e r i c an ] I wo u l d n’ t wa nt to be ba k i ng c a ke s to d ay!
Wo u l d yo u Da r r e n?
JI M : No, K a r e n.
K I M : B a c k to yo u S ha r o n! ( G O O N ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . & b b b b b b .
M P ( o u t e i t h e r b a r )
JI M : Now fo r t hi s we e k’ s s hows to ppe r
we ’ r e l o o k i ng fo r a n i c o ni c sk ys c ra pe r
K I M : Fo u r t e e n s to r i e s hig h
JI M : Wi t h t hr e e m ovi ng e l e m e nt s
K I M : A nd a n i c e c r e a m l i f t s ha f t.
JI M : [ t o Ki m ] S o r r y d i d yo u s ay i c e c ream ?
K I M : I c e r t a i nly d i d.
JI M : I n t hi s he at? ! [ G O ]
& b b
no t go nna - fa i l to d ay - I wo n ' t l e t t he he at ge t to m e I
no t go nna - fa i l to d ay - I wo n ' t l e t t he he at ge t to m e I
k now I c a n m a ke i t t hr o ug h
S o ev e r y - o ne - at ho m e
k now I c a n m a ke i t t hr o ug h
S o ev e r y - o ne - at ho m e
c a n pr o u d ly - s ay t hat I we nt a l l t he way
B E N : O h hey G e m m a.
G E M M A : H i B e n
B E N : A f t e r yo u -
G E M M A : No, a f t e r yo u -
c a n pr o u d ly - s ay t hat I we nt a l l t he way I t ' s no t i -
B E N : T hi nk we ’ l l a l l
G E M M A : Abs o l u t e ly
e d i
t he f r e e z e r to d
B E N : I wi s h I c o u l d ju s t r i p o ff a l l my
c l o t he s a nd ju mp r ig ht i n !
G E M M A : G o d ye a h I ’d l o v e t hatMy c l o t he s I m e a n, no t yo u r s -
I n t he o ve n - yo u m u s t go !
I n t he o ve n - yo u m u s t go !
P H I L : Fe e l i ng t he he at B a rba ra ?
BA B S : M i nd yo u r own be e s wa x
P H I L : ’ E r e. . . K no c k k no c k. . .
b b b b b
BA B S : Yo u what? ! 1 1 5 & b b b b b # b b b b b # b b b b b & b b b b b
A r e yo u t r y n ' a- s ay t hat i t ' s be e n W hat? H u h? &
P H I L : Co m e o n - k no c k k no c k. . .
BA B S : “ W ho ’ s t he r e? ”
P H I L : I c e c r e a m .
BA B S : I c e c r e a m who ?
P H I L : I c e c r e a m whe n yo u ge t m e r e c i pe s wr o ng
PA M : S e e what I have to pu t u p wi t h?
O o O o O o H o l d o n a
m i n u t e! - T he f r e e z e r, - my i c e c r e a m i s n ' t - i n i t! q = 1 5 2 1 2 3
c o u l d t he c a m e ra s - no t have s e e n? No, what? !
c o u l d t he c a m e ra s - no t have s e e n?
I t ' s a nig ht m a r e! - I t ' s a r u nny - go o ! W hat ' s s he t hi nk k i ng?I t ' s a nig ht m a r e! - I t ' s a r u nny - go o ! W hat ' s s he t hi nk k i ng? -
“ No, d o n ’ t d o i t! ” / “
o u r ba k i ng - he r o - i ne. -
o u r ba k i ng - he r o - i ne. -
o
r ba
Yo u ' ve f s t i l l go t a q u a r t t e r - o f a n ho u r!
Fa s t e r s t i l l q = 1 6 0
Yo u ' ve f s t i l l go t a q u a r t t e r - o f a n ho u r! A rg h!
Ru s s e l l - a r e yo u o k ay? ! - No, no t r e a l ly! - S u d d e n - ly - t he t e nt ' s l o o k i ng - bl e a r y! -
' s he go ne a nd
o
q = 1 5 0 r i t .
2 0 9 A h! A h A h
I ' l l r e a c h t he to p c o m e what m ay, S o I c a n s t a nd u p a nd s ay
F R A N C
I c a n go a l l t he way A RGH ! H E L P ! A t e mp o 2 1 3
I c a n go a l l t he way
I c a n go a l l t he way. I c a n s e e t he fi ni s h - l i ne Ye s
I c a n go a l l t he way. I c a n s e e t he fi ni s h - l i ne Ye s
I c a n go a l l t he way E ve n - t ho ug h we ' r e o u t o f t i m e I
I c a n go a l l t he way. E ve n - t ho ug h we ' r e o u t o f t i m e. I
I c a n go a l l t he way E ve n - t ho ug h we ' r e o u t o f t i m e I
c a m e wi t h a s t ra t e - g y - B u t now i t ' s a t ra ge - dy! -
c a m e wi t h a s t ra t e - g y. - B u t now i t ' s a t ra ge - dy! -
c a m e wi t h a s t ra t e - g y. - B u t now i t ' s a t ra ge - dy! - I
c a m e wi t h a s t ra t e - g y. - B u t now i t ' s a t ra ge - dy! -
I r e a l ly - t ho ug ht to d ay -
r e a l ly - t ho ug ht to d ay - wo u l d be my d ay!
a l
t
to
K e e p O n K e e p i n g O n
( Pam an d C o m pan y)
" T h e B a ke O ff Te n t " q = 1 6 7
b b b b ( D r u m s)
Ye
b b b b V /O : We l c o m e ba c k d e l e g at e s I t g ive s m e g r e at pl e a s u r e to we l c o m e to t he s t age t hi s ye a r ’ s key no t e s pe a ke r.
i t
C o l l a vo c e
W he n yo u ' ve ha d a d u ve t - ra nge t hat ' s s o l d i n M & - S , - a
c o o k i ng s c ho o l, s i x no ve l s - a nd yo u ' ve fe d t he N H - S , - pe o p l e - a sk m e ' a r e n ' t yo u
t i r e d ? ' B u t t hat ' s no t t he way I ' m wi r e d r i t . I wa s ne ve r - bo r n to be a s t ay at ho m e r e t i r e - e e. -
S w i n g h = 9 2 W he r e d o I ge t my e n e rg - y? - I ke e p o n ke e p i ng - o n.
P i ù m o s s o h = 9 7 I t hi nk c
br e a k t he m o u l d a nd bu c k t he t r e nd. B r e a k u p wi t h t hat bo r i ng - f r i e nd.
br e a k t he m o u l d a nd bu c k t he t r e nd B r e a k u p wi t h t hat bo r i ng - f r i e nd
br e a k t he m o u l d a nd bu c k t he t r e nd B r e a k u p wi t h t hat bo r i ng - f r i e nd
S pe nd yo u r c hi l d r e n ' s - d i vi - d e nd - a nd ke e p o n ke e p i ng - o n.
C U E : S E G U E f r o m No 1 4
L a s t Ti m e O n B a k e O ff
( U n d e r s c o re / G e m m a, B ak e r s, K i m , Ji m )
4 A
' K e e p O n ' P l a yo u t ( S w u n g , i n 2 ) h h = 1 0 8 ~ h h = 1 0 8 " L a s t Ti m e " Te mp o ( i n 4 ) q = 1 4 2
b 6 ∑ b b b b b b 1 –6 & b b b b b b 4
( q = 1 4 2 ) 8
JI M : I z z y na r r owly e s c a pe d e l i m i nat i o n -
I Z Z Y : [ an n o ye d] I ' m s o r r y - b l an d ?
b b b b b b 4
JI M : L a s t t i m e o n t he G r e at B r i t i s h B a ke O ffa f t e r a m e r c u r y- bu s t i ng m e l td own. . . BA B S My towe r! 8 –1 1 &
K I M : No b o dy wa s s e nt ho m e!
1 6 –1 9 & b b b b b b
K I M : A nd wi t h G e m m a c r owne d s t a r ba ke r -
p o c o r i t . 2 2 4 4
JI M : B e c a u s e t ha nk s to a ho r r i f y i ng i nju r y -
RU S S E L L : My t hu m b! ! 1 2 –1 5 & b b b b b b 4
JI M : A l t ho ug h D e z z a w as g ive n a fo r m a l wa r ni ng by t he po l i c e.
D E Z Z A : I ’ l l be ba c k!
G E M M A : I ' d l i ke to t ha nk eve r yo ne who k nows m e A N D GA RY BA R LOW
s t l i ke I H a n d s h a ke Te mp o 2 7 k new t hat i t wo u l d. . . A h a h
t
K I M : Now eve r y t hi ng ' s r i d i ng o n t he fi na l s hows to ppe r!
JI M : Ye s, i t ' s a l l to pl ay fo r o n:
–5 0 5 2
I M : T he G r e at JI M : B r i t i s h
