Letting Your Child Fail Find out how making mistakes builds self-confidence and resilience BY CAITLIN WHEELER
Photo courtesy of Fizkes/Shutterstock.com
F
rom President Theodore Roosevelt to technology entrepreneur Elon Musk, successful role models have been telling us for over a century that we can learn from our mistakes. But modern society’s obsession with perfection is stifling this longheld wisdom. Today’s youth often compare themselves to the lives and images they see on their digital screens, which can increase their anxiety and self-doubt. Fortunately, parents can take an active role in normalizing mistakes, and transform failures into strengths.
PERFECTIONISM VS. RESILIENCE Perfectionism is the opposite of resilience, says Andrew Hill, a professor of sociology at York Saint John University in the U.K., adding that it’s captured in “how
18
AUGUST 2019 | carolinaparent.com
unrealistic your standards are and how harshly you evaluate yourself.” Hill has done extensive work chronicling the rise of perfectionism, and notes that perfectionists are highly sensitive to mistakes. They “will often avoid scenarios that are challenging due to a fear of failure,” he says. Striving for perfectionism can be especially damaging to teens. “Having unrealistic standards and being extremely self-critical is going to make life tough for teenagers,” he says. “It is an important time for social and self-development. Perfectionism will make this time more difficult and stressful.” Tara Egan, a psychologist, author and founder of Charlotte Parent Coaching, says perfectionism and resilience can be genetically determined. “You can see it as
young as infancy,” she says. “Some babies are more fretful and rarely smile, and are more likely to grow into worriers, while others are more easygoing.” At the same time, a child’s experiences also influence her traits as she develops. Stressors that sap resilience can include parent divorce, abuse, neglect and witnessing violence — any of which would have an even worse effect on a biologically sensitive child. Nonetheless, Egan adds, kids with a high natural tendency toward perfectionism or worry can learn to be resilient — even those who are exposed to numerous stressors. Normalizing mistakes can go a long way toward helping children develop into confident and independent adults. Here are some tips for how to harness the benefits of making mistakes.