05 Adding Gravitas to the Everyday
MINUTIA
VOL
EDITION 05 SUMMER 2022
FEATURES THIS EDITION
The five-minute surf • Half-assed knowledge • Suspect origin stories • In praise of saying no
Cover Tyler Nix @nixcreative
Photo Credit
Thanks to the photographers who featured in this edition. Their work is credited and can be found on www.unsplash.com No part of this publication may be fully or partially reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher
Minutia
Minutia
editor’s letter Welcome to the Summer edition of Minutia! A magazine that talks about the stuff that other publications don’t. Sure, the issues covered are not glamorous - and on reflection, a little dull - but they feature enough in our daily lives to deserve some attention. In this edition, we evaluate what motivates us past a certain age (clue: it’s not the CV). We also celebrate the glorious past-time of surfing on the internet and why we will always find things that rhyme with poo. Other highlights include why we question suspect origin stories and the importance
Lucy Austin Managing Editor
of having personal policies so we get out of shit we don’t want to do. Talking of shit, we give some quick tips on chucking it out and how to take encountering one in human form in our stride. Life’s imperfect and so are we. Isn’t it glorious? Lucy X
EDITORIAL/PHOTOGRAPHY ENQUIRIES
BLOG
hello@minutia-life.com
minutia-life.com SOCIAL MEDIA Twitter / @minutialife
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minutia - the highlights Apologies in General
08
Go on, try and get through an entire day without saying ‘sorry’.
More-ness Please
09
We don’t want all this lovely wine but we sure like knowing it’s there
Like a Tit
12
C’mon, we need to know. Just how shit did we look?
Half-Assed Knowledge
13
Being equipped with a bit of the information sounds about right
The Surf
16
Five minutes to have a little browse on the internet. Careful!
Personal Policies
Right @andre-hunter Middle @mockupgraphics
Photo Credits
It’s okay, you can say no
Minutia
18
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24
What with all the elephants in the room, it’s getting crowded in here
Bad Taste
26
With like-minded individuals, there’s no such thing
Rhymes with Poo
29
We are never too old to never grow up
Pearly Gate Work
30
Want a decent obituary? Better pull your finger out
Zilch
39
For some, good friendship means doing absolutely nothing. Nothing
Miss Find Advice
40
Important problems, important advice
5
Photo Credits
Left @evan bucholz Middle @marcwieland95
Keeping Schtum
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the small stuff OTHER’S GRUB Just Too Much There
is
something
so
intimate about witnessing the
crunching
and
the
munching of someone eating their lunch nearby. What with the contents and the strong be
smells,
preferable
them
on
it
might
to
watch
the
toilet.
THE SYMBOLIC BAG OF SPINACH Something Green in Fridge on Principle It’s so important to keep some item in the fridge that symbolises good health and wholesomeness. Even if we never ever eat it, it’s important we buy. Okay, there is always the risk we might wind up with a bulk load of intimidating greens to get through. However, the good news is the following week, all memories of that miserable spinach-heavy meal we had is forgotten. Into the shopping basket it will go.
THE SCRIPT They Press ‘Play’ Every single time we go,
Top Left @chadmadden• Bottom Left @colourblindkevin Top Right @heftiba • Bottom Middle@agk42 Bottom Right @alimarel
Photo Credits
they say the same thing to us. It doesn’t matter how long we have been going there, they will always act as though they have never seen us before and are advising us for the first time. It’s Groundhog
Minutia
Day
always.
Suspect Origin Story
MODEL GLASSES
We’re Not Buying It
Pretending to Wear
We
Yes, celebrity, we can work
love
entrepreneurial
stories - especially ones
out
where someone sets about
wear the glasses you are
filling a gap in the market.
advertising. They perch on
However,
the
the bridge of your nose as
origin story doesn’t sound
though freshly landed, your
plausible. We don’t believe
face
they always had a passion
them the way it would from
for
long-term
sometimes
organic,
nutritionally
you
not
balanced food. Do people
sake
think
wearers
like
that?
the
process?
too
tidy
an
Where’s
of
don’t
normally
accommodating use. genuine
For
the
glasses
everywhere
stop
rather
pretending would you? We
explanation.
can see what you are doing.
It’s
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IT
auto
responses
that
sound human are odd. But we still love receiving an affectionate
‘Thanks
for
your order, it means a lot’ and a ‘sorry, did you forget something in your basket’. Okay, they aren’t people but the bots still seem to care.
NOT MADE IN CHINA IS IT? Pretend Principles In this age of globalisation, we find ourselves being oddly principled. We’ll pile our online baskets high with stuff (that will no doubt end up in landfill), but then we’ll question the origin of some product as though we’re these really thoughtful, caring human beings. And yet, given our order history and general ignorance over many different matters, we’re all over the place with our principles. But still we insist on trying.
RAFFLE DONATIONS Boomerang Gifts Pls
THE CALCULATOR
KEEPING COAT ON
Friendship Gravitas
Rising Stress Levels
In a fit of nostalgia, we sit
Being indoors for any length
down with an old friend
of time with someone who
to
doesn’t
want
we’ve known one another.
coat
off
that’s far too nice and we’ll
However,
stressful
find
arithmetic that is required
the effect of making us
some
takes so long, it detracts
worry that the person with
stranger wins it. How very
from the enjoyment of being
the jacket on is either cold,
dare they! That’s why it’s
in their company. Perhaps
feeling unwelcome or would
better
random
it would be quicker to whip
prefer to be elsewhere else.
items that would otherwise
out a calculator and work
Only
be gathering dust. No one
out how long it’s been. A
obliged to take the item
gets hurt.
long time, now move on.
off
Contribute
in
a
raffle
ourselves irritation
to
bristling
when
re-gift
prize
work
out the
how
long
mental
take
is
indeed.
when do
to
we
a
very It
they breathe
has
feel out.
7
Photo Credits
Hint: They Aren’t People
Top Right @glen-carrie • Top Left @mockupgraphics • Bottom Left:@charlesdeluvio Bottom Middle @sarahdorweiler• Bottom Right @thomholmes
FRIENDLY BOTS
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self
apologies in general Okay, we say it too much but sorry is still a very useful word It’s an established fact that we say the word ‘sorry’ too often. But let’s not give ourselves a tough time. ‘Sorry’ helps us say more than we would normally so we can take it all back. ‘Sorry’ spurs us on to deliver blunt opinions we wouldn’t get away with otherwise. ‘Sorry’ allows us to be generous in spirit when some asshole bumps into us first. ‘Sorry’ is a default buffer to fill in the silence. But only when we encounter someone for whom the word is not in their vocabulary, do we understand the true importance of having ‘sorry’ in our arsenal. For while the continual use of the word is used
Right @mftulin
Photo Credit
so often as a default buffer, the original meaning has been lost. ‘Sorry’ is still the perfect word for every occasion. Sorry, but it’s true.
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please
When it comes to wine, it isn’t so much the taste that we love; it’s having the choice
We don’t want to drink all this wine but we sure like knowing it’s there
are not satisfied either with having a wine rack packed with luke-warm wine either,
to have more if we choose. Even if we don’t drink to great excess, we just like the abundance of wine. It explains why we are never that impressed by those small plastic bottles designed to be enjoyed in transit. We also get annoyed by an opened bottle in the fridge with exactly one glass of wine. Only one glass? God, how sensible! We not when we can enjoy the idea of a load of ice-cold bottles in the fridge. Having the option of more wine smacks of freedom. Freedom to choose. Freedom to turn down. Freedom to rein it in. And now and again, the freedom to carry on drinking.
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Photo Credit
more-ness
Left@maxtutakphotography
self
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10
quo
‘I don’t do it so they turn round and go ‘Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the laughs.’ I do it so, one day, someone will go ‘There goes David Brent. I must remember
David Brent ‘The Office’) (BBC 2001 - 2003)
Quote Credit
to thank him.’” Minutia
ote
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11
12
self
We were so confident today. As far as we were concerned, we were killing it. All day long we walked around saying hello to everyone feeling like the dog’s bollocks. Then we got a slight inkling that our lipstick had travelled beyond the cupid’s bow. Uh-oh. But instead of quickly wiping our mouth, we held out for a mirror so we could take a proper look. We just wanted to know exactly how shit we look, so that we don’t leave the worst-case scenario to our imagination. If we can see what the reality was in all its glory, at least we be under no illusion as to how bad it was. Of course, we might have to mentally comb through the day’s events and work out who has seen us with our lipstick on our nose. With any luck, we didn’t look like a tit for too long. But we would Right @krivitskiy
Photo Credit
just like the facts.
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like a tit C’mon, we need to know. Just how silly did we look?
Being equipped with a bit of the information sounds about right
We’re not being unreasonable, are we? We would just like to know the true capability of a gadget. As it is, our life is full of gadgets that sort of work in the way they are supposed to but don’t quite. The main reason is that we can’t be arsed to spend a few minutes reading the instructions and figuring it out. And even if we do pore over the details, we still don’t understand the small print enough to use the gadgets in the proper way. Worse still, we can’t explain to anyone else how we got it working either. We just did, okay? Going forward, the ideal scenario would be to have someone else read the instructions and then impart this knowledge to us. Even half of the information all dumbed down would do. We’d get the general gist .
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Photo Credit
in the partial know
Left @rumanamin
observations
Minutia
Ron Swanson ‘Parks & Recreation’ (NBC 2009 - 2015))
Quote Credit
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‘I regret nothing.
The End.’
Minutia
quo
ote
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15
16
self
the surf turf Five minutes to go into the wilds of the internet. Careful!
Right @julianhochgesang
Photo Credit
01 the nice plate of nosh
the age-gap alert
We want to know if this eatery is any
In the TV show the man seems much,
good or not. Never mind taking every
much older than the woman being
opinion with a pinch of salt - hell no! We
romanced. We’re now curious and need
will totally judge a restaurant based on
to know what we’re dealing with here.
the number of negative reviews. Only if
Actually, it’s the other way round. The
there is a decent ratio of good vs bad
woman is older than the man by 12 years!
will we give it a try.
Minutia
Minutia
self 03
04
the lazy montages
the almost purchase
Luckily,
those
We want to buy something online.
dedicated fans on YouTube who create
there
are
always
Having spent some time deliberating
montages of all the best scenes from
the merits of each item, we load up
TV shows. If we want to experience
our online basket. But just as we’re
eight seasons in concentrated form,
about to type in our credit card details
we can watch such perfect moments
something stops us. We do the virtual
back-to-back. Not only do get a fix, we
equivalent of walking around the block
save ourselves 100 hours of watching
to think about it. We get distracted, and
in the process. A worthwhile past-time.
the mood passes. We don’t check-out.
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06
the news refresh
the wanker alert
Real time news as it comes in is very
We
exciting. Faced with a serious event
crossed us over the years. The bad
that continually changes, checking the
news is that they didn’t get their
headlines is what we want to do. We
comeuppance. and have gone on to
continue to refresh the feed in the hope
be successful. Worse still, they still
that there will be some positive news
have lots of Insta followers and show
we can finish the day off on. Alas not.
no sign they have stopped being
look
up
people
who
have
wankers. They are just rich ones now.
07
08
the extra info
the A to B investigation
A TV watching session isn’t complete
Working out the exact logistics of
without knowing all the information
getting from A to B makes us very
around the very show we are watching.
happy. That is, until we stumble upon
Whether or not it disturbs the fiction
the fact that there are works on the
on
unimportant.
train line. We spend time looking for
Wikipedia must be on tap. It adds
the
alternatives but to no great avail. It’s
to
official: we are now dreading the outing.
the
screen overall
is
viewing
experience.
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18
etiquette
personal policies Sometimes, it’s okay to say no
1
the pub quiz
The pub quiz is a delicate ecosystem. Our enjoyment dependent on the delicate balance of a number of factors such as venue, the host, the questions, how competitive it is and how quickly it wraps up. Rarely is there a balance found,
meaning
that
nine
times
Right @nickkarvounis
Photo Credit
out of ten the pub quiz will suck.
Minutia
Minutia
the carpool
Carpools are a wonderful idea in theory. However, the reality involves driving around
the
entire
neighbourhood
week-in week-out with other people’s precious
cargo.
When
we’re
not
spending our time arranging all the logistics, we’re obliged to do copious amounts of chit-chat and thanking. Would it be easier to just suck it up and do the journey both ways? Probably.
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Photo Credit
2
Left@annietheby
etiquette
20
etiquette
3
the school production
We say yes to coming along because we want to show public support. After
all,
bums
on
seats
matter.
However, unless it’s our own relative, someone else’s event feels like an obligation. And while nothing bad will happen to us if we politely decline, our need to not offend is greater than our selfish instincts. We find ourselves putting an enthusiastic expression on
Right @roblaughter
Photo Credit
our face and feeling obliged to show up.
Minutia
Minutia
4
the sponsored run
On paper, the person doing the run seems so selfless. There they are: pushing themselves to the limits in the hope to make a difference to others. However, sometimes the sponsored run has less to do with the cause and more to do with the person needing to disguise their decision to get up off their arse and do some activity. And yes, we must pay them to do it.
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Photo Credit
Left @fitmasu
etiquette
22
‘I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric
David Rose ‘Schitts Creek’ (NBC 2015 - 2020)
Quote Credit
here.’
Minutia
quo
ote
Minutia
23
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self
keeping schtum What with all the elephants room, it’s getting crowded in here. So what?
it is highly unlikely both parties will
We’re on the verge of having a row.
imperfect, metaphorically speaking
Oooh we’re mad! It could easily go off.
we might actually be able to whip
We’re so tempted to have it out. Clear
out the tablecloth from under the
the air, we’re told. Keep it real. Be
crockery without so much as a
authentic!
breakage.
be satisfied about the outcome, as it will just be one side getting to voice their opinion the loudest. If we just accept things as being
there’s
So, when we next have that moment
nothing wrong with just being polite
where someone has properly pissed
and not saying a word. We’ve got this
us off, hold fire on raising the
far by pushing things under the rug.
issue. Let’s just not say anything.
Let’s start as we mean to go on.
Okay, some might think the very
Friendship
unconditional.
suggestion that it is better to just
At any point, we have the right to go
leave it is a cop out. Perhaps it is.
elsewhere and seek other company.
However, there’s a freedom that
If we want to know someone a long
comes with not airing every single
time, it really is a case of sucking it
grievance. It affords us space to
up. Bearing our souls at so much as a
be ourselves and freedom to carry
whiff of a disagreement does not bode
on as we are. It guarantees a good
well for a long relationship. And while
night’s sleep too.
However,
in
is
the
long
never
run,
some may see it as sticking one’s head in the sand, resolution is mainly found
Friendships can weather storms
by just swiftly moving on and being
but
thankful
let’s not overdo it. Leave those
for
a
short
memory.
big
they
need
elephants
to
breathe.
squashed
in
So the
Besides, even if we did ‘tell our truth’,
room with us. Learn not to mind
there are always two sides to every
their
story. In the event of having it out,
push forward, elephants and all.
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company.
We
must
just
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Photo Credit Left @davidclode
self
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Right • @sadswim
Photo Credit
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Minutia
xxx observations
Minutia
There is no such thing as bad taste. We just need to find like-minded souls Having bared our soul about our
We will always allow other people to
favourite TV shows, they raise an
be openly critical of the very thing we
eyebrow. It’s a bold move on their part
have binge-watched in five hours the
but it doesn’t go unnoticed. Inwardly
night before. Because at least in being
we shrink and want to apologise for
real about what we watch, we might
not automatically reaching for a book
actually stumble across a genuine fan
to entertain ourselves.
who likes the same shit.
We know what’s being said here. That
In being vocal about our tastes, we are
our tastes are low-brow and we are a
over-riding the natural instinct to fit
bit trivial. And to a certain extent, they
in and openly seeking out like-minded
are right on both counts.
souls. Forget looking for clues that someone has the same taste, we are
The thing is we just don’t care. We like
laying it on the line. We are taking the
watching shit telly. We love that the
most direct route. And yes, much of
lack of thought required means we can
the time we do fall flat on our faces
properly switch off and revel in pure
and alienate a few high-brow souls.
escapism. In a stressful world, it is just
We contend with the fall out and the
the antidote.
patronising looks that follow.
What we do care about is this: We
However, we always keep the faith. For
always feel obliged to keep quiet
eventually, there is always that moment
about our tastes, as though they are
where our confession is not only well-
something to be embarrassed about.
received, but embraced. Finally, we
But here’s the thing. Producers make
have met someone else who stayed up
shows like these for a reason: They are
until the early hours to watch Bridgerton
received well. And if being mainstream
Season 2. Hurrah! In that beautiful
and unoriginal is the price we have to
moment we aren’t two people with
pay for a little enjoyment, then it’s a
questionable taste, but kindred spirits
price we’re willing to pay. After all, we
that in a sea of sophistication managed
have nothing to prove.
to find each other. Magic.
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Photo Credit
naff telly
Left • unsplash.com/@nicolasjleclercq
xxx observations
28
self
waste lots
want lots Don’t like chucking things out? Welcome! You’re in a safe space In another life we live in a pristine house with very few items in it. In this one, we are not only unbearably attached to what we already own, we have a million excuses as to why we can’t possibly part with something. If only de-cluttering was as simple as getting a black sack. Unfortunately, for the majority, it’s just weighed down
by
nostalgia
and
excuses.
But while chucking stuff out may be hard, it isn’t impossible. We just need to
adopt
some
drastic
measures:
top tips for chucking out 1.
Prepare
someone
stuff
else
to
to go
go to
but
get
the
tip
2. Do a photoshoot of sentimental items
so
you
remember
things
3. Accidentally-on-purpose break the thing you were hanging onto. Oops! 4. Binge-watch loads of de-cluttering shows to send you into a frenzy 5. Chuck other people’s shit out but
Right @gary_at_unsplash
Photo Credit
conveniently, keep your own. Genius! 6. Hide
all the crap in the loft or
garage.
Out of sight, out of mind.
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We are never too old to never grow up Despite being a fully-fledged adult, we haven’t changed that much, have we? The word ‘willy’ still makes us snigger - as do a number of things that look like other rude things. We still want to roll our eyes at having to sit through a boring something, and we sure as hell want to choose the biggest slice of cake. We haven’t yet got our head around sharing and yes, we want to ask for our special pen back, having leant it out. We continue to hate people copying us - and no, we don’t see it as flattery. And yes, we still want to blow a raspberry at the person who purposely ignores us. Surely, this behaviour can’t be childish if we’re always this way. Perhaps it’s just a fundamental part of being human. So, ask us again when the right time is to be a grown-up. The answer is never! Poo bum willy to that.
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Photo Credit
rhymes with poo
Top Left @mockupgraphicsBottom Right @anthonytran
self
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etiquette
pearly
gate
work If we want to have an obituary more than three sentences long, we had better pull our finger out Never mind worrying about the CV, when we reach a certain age, it’s all about the obituary. That we are even dwelling on this morbid subject would suggest that until now, we have been lacking in the caring sharing department. We need to reform and change our ways. And quickly too! Every single person on the planet is motivated by something when they do good deeds. In our case, it’s the genuine terror of having an obituary that does not reach three sentences. But for all our earnest intentions, we still find ourselves spending a disproportionate
amount
of
time
worrying we might start to be thought of as too kind and too selfless and therefore, be called upon too often. Yes, here we are, still doing nothing for anybody and now panicking that our lives might take more of a selfless turn than we’d like. That’s why the scale of our ambition must be to only be slightly less rubbish. Three sentences. That’s all we need.
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Photo Credit Left @marcwieland95
etiquette
32
observations
Fear not! A known asshole is a known quantity Encountering assholes needn’t be stressful if we think of them slightly differently. For while our initial instinct is to avoid bumping into them, what works is to face them in all their glory and embrace them. There is this security in them being that way, as there are no surprises and we know where we stand. Besides, we’ve got so used to them that we become quite attached. They are not any old asshole; they are our asshole.
zilch
For some, good friendship means doing absolutely nothing. Nothing
Want to know who your friends are? Easy! Don’t be on Facebook and see what happens. The friends who don’t make any effort will always be the ones who complain we’re not on social media. For these friends, it would be so much more convenient if they were witness to the best version of our lives playing out. They could maintain the friendship just by liking photos and real-time updates. They could also contact us at anytime if they wanted to (which they don’t). They would get to be privy to our lives without as having to exchange so much as one word. But when the silence is on them, they don’t
Top Right • @niklas_hamann Bottom Right • @jonathanbob
Photo Credit
like it one bit. We are a bad friend for making them look like a rubbish friend.
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our very
pain in th
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y own
he arse
the nicest junk ever
So dazzled are we by the opening paragraph that alludes to something business-like
and
interesting,
it’s
as though we have just joined in a conversation we were not part of until now. Sometimes, they say they
The emails come regularly, the headers
are
sounding
What something? We are intrigued.
official.
The
Spammers
following
up
on
something.
almost get our name right – not quite – but the person it is addressed to
It takes a while for us to accept that
sounds like an important someone,
these
with whom we have an established
emails are worthless and possibly
relationship with. Not only is the
sinister.
grammar and punctuation spot on,
enjoyed being the kind of someone
there are no real demands made of us.
who
civilised For
receives
a
impeccably little emails
while like
written we’ve that.
33
Photo Credit
Left • @madalyncox
observations
34
dear ms find Why not get advice from Ms Find, our resident agony aunt?
Right Lisa McNair
Illustration Credit
Unimportant problems only, people
Minutia
advice
column
dilemma 1
dilemma 2
Can I Fly a Plane?
Do I Have to Wear it?
Dear Ms Find
Dear Ms Find,
Recently, I watched Maverick and was
My yoga teacher is always trying to sell
so dazzled by the film I took joining
me her merch. How do I say no?
the Royal Airforce under thoughtful
Yours
consideration. I’m in my forties. Is it
Not Advertising Your Biz
ever too late to change direction? Thanks, I Want to Fly Planes
answer
answer
Don’t be Ridiculous
No to Merch
Dear I Want to Fly Planes
Dear Not Advertising Your Biz,
For fuck’s sake, yes, it is too
Personally, I’d rock up in a rival
late. Why not stick to drooling over
yoga teacher’s tee and say that you
the suspiciously youthful Tom Cruise
charge a fee and you can advertise her
and leave the flying stunts to the
services a week on Tuesday. And that
younger generation. Perving requires
your price includes VAT. That should
no further education and won’t cost a
free up your chi.
thing. Yours,
Yours,
Ms Find
Ms Find
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