02 Adding Gravitas to the Everyday
MINUTIA
VOL
EDITION 02 SPRING 2021
FEATURES THIS EDITION
How to be cool • The art of small talk • Quitting on a high • Friend trends
Cover @thecreative_exchange
Photo Credit
Thanks to the photographers who featured in this edition. Their work is credited and can be found on www.unsplash.com No part of this publication may be fully or partially reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher
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editor’s letter There is no danger of Minutia being a glamorous women’s magazine anytime soon. Admittedly, we would have our work cut out right now, what with a global pandemic cramping our style. However, such is our desire for normality that the trivial, mundane and ordinary is as important as it ever was – if only to remind us that even when a mask and a six-feet yard stick is involved, we are still built to sweat the small stuff. And what better way to celebrate everyday life than to tackle hard-hitting topics like why small talk makes a big difference; whether it’s ever possible to boast properly without being irritating; and why we always expect thank you letters from pets.
Lucy Austin Editorial & Design
Talking of high expectations, we have some sure-fire ways to appear cooler than we are. We also take a closer look at the average friendship portfolio, and question whether imposter syndrome is more of a blessing than a curse. And let’s not get started on the annoyance that is someone copying us. No, don’t even think about it. Enjoy!
EDITORIAL/PHOTOGRAPHY ENQUIRIES
BLOG
hello@minutia-life.com
minutia-life.com SOCIAL MEDIA Twitter / @minutialife
3
minutia - the highlights Too Cool for School
08
How to appear cool when you’re not
Shooting the Breeze
12
Superficial chit-chat makes the world go round
The Great Pretender
18
The real reason imposter syndrome exists
Friend Trends
20
If all friends were the same, life would be very dull indeed
An Easier Life
22
Miniscule gestures towards making progress
Quit On a High
Right @kimsondoan Middle @bonvivant
Photo Credits
Sometimes it’s best to call it a day while the going is good
Minutia
28
Minutia
30
Newsflash! It’s okay to be a bit on the average side
Where the Story Ends
32
Once Upon a Time, there were just a load of unsatisfactory endings
Bragger with Swagger
34
Is it ever possible to boast without being irritating?
Animal Magic
36
In pursuit of the imaginary thank you note
One of the Gang
42
Welcome to the socially selective world of the middle-age clique
A Matter of Taste
44
Determining what makes good TV has got a bit complicated
5
Photo Credits
Left @good_citizen Middle @steve3p_0
Extra Ordinary
6
the small stuff WAITING GAME A Great Deal Can Happen Having made the order, our certainty about the purchase decreases with each week of waiting for delivery. But with a no refund policy, we’re resigned to our fate – the fate that’s happening in...12 weeks’ time.
USED PAINTBRUSHES Never Free from Paint We decide to rinse out the paintbrush to re-use it - a fiveminute job we think. Only that it’s not as the task never ends. We run the tap for what feels like 24 hours and still, the reservoirs of paint stored up its backside show no signs of emptying out. We go off leaving the tap running, only to come back and find the paint is still coming off. We decide to soak it in a bucket, but the water remains saturated with colour. It’s official; that paintbrush is never, ever going to be clean.
VISTA THIEVES Hogging Our Epic View
Top Left @darkroomstudios • Bottom Left @beyonndlee93 Top Right @good_citizen • Bottom Middle @neonbrand
Photo Credits
It’s highly likely that if we get up at dawn to climb the summit and see the sunrise, someone
will
always
be
sitting on the bench opposite that view, leaving us with no choice but to take a photo with their smug selves in it.
Minutia
INCORRECT WORD
STARRY NIGHTS
No One Told Us
Cannot See the Plough
To think that we might have
There are those times we are
been using a word in the
told to look up at the night’s
wrong way for years, with no
sky at some constellation
one ever bothering to correct
or other. We nod along even
us. Surely, an embarrassing
though
blunder
out
language
like
this
is
the
equivalent
we
cannot
anything.
Look,
make ‘The
of
Summer Triangle’, or is it
walking around with our skirt
‘The Big Dipper’, no make
tucked into our knickers.
that ‘The Little Dipper’! It
All that self-assured prose
all looks pitch black to us.
when all the time, we were
Perhaps now is not the time
just looking a bit stupid.
to ask what a star is either.
Minutia
Possibly the nicest thing that a community-minded someone ever built, the book swap is solely there to make people feel warm inside. The books themselves are irrelevant. It’s the thought of reading them that counts.
HAVE LANYARD, WILL TRAVEL Feel Extremely Important Wearing it We are given a lanyard. As soon as we put it on, we feel very important - it is that instant a feeling. It does not matter that lanyard says ‘General Visitor’; it may as well be ‘CEO’ for all we care. We are honoured. Long after the requirement to wear one has been and gone, we still have it around our neck. It feels strangely hard to part with – so much so that when we do take it off, we hang it on the door to remind us that we are sometimes that person who wears lanyards.
FAKE FLOWERS When You Know, Not So Fab Once the knowledge is there that the flowers are fake, suddenly they are not so beautiful anymore. The only people who appreciate them are visitors who suspect the flowers are too perfect but like to imagine they are real.
WET & COLD SPORT
WHITE NOISE
Publicise Where Possible
Mild States of Discomfort
In the northern hemisphere,
There are so many moments
it’s easy to tell a winter
of drawn-out discomfort too
swimmer from a summer
small to address, e.g., tights
one. Take a swim in July and
dragging down pants, bags
it’s all about whether the sea
slipping off shoulders, and
is blue or grey. Jump into
needing a wee. We get so
the sea in January and we
used to the feeling that when
take endless selfies to show
there is temporary relief, we
social media how hardy and
wonder why we put up with
out-there we are. Why else
it. We then forget about this
would we go to the trouble
momentary
of freezing our tits off?
back to needing that wee.
bliss
and
go
7
Photo Credits
Idea Better than Actual Book
Top Right @introspectivedsgn • Top Left @lians Bottom Middle @mikafinland • Bottom Right @walterrandlehoff
COMMUNITY SPIRIT
8
self
too cool for school Not cool? Not to worry!
It’s not that we give up on making
Nothing a bit of smoke and mirrors can’t fix
decide we’re not even going there.
Being a cool person hasn’t changed much since we were young has it? Cool people exude elusive vibes we can’t quite put our finger on. Without appearing to try, they effortlessly pull
off
they
seek
whatever to
impression
make,
without
so much as breaking a sweat. MAKING THE CUT The sum of seemingly ordinary parts, cool people make trendy lifestyle choices too. They don’t just exist outside the trend cycle, they are the trend cycle, leaving the rest of us feeling a bit frumpy and gazing on in awe. That said, for most of us, being cool always looks like hard work. This is possibly due to the fact we just cannot face going through life making carefully curated choices.
Minutia
‘F fo a
the cool cut precisely; we just
However, there are still ways to enjoy all the trappings that cool brings without having to be the real deal. For when it comes to impersonating cool, it’s all about smoke and mirrors. LOW-COST HIGH IMPACT If we don’t have the budget to live a genuinely cool lifestyle, why not gain traction another way? If we turn the acquiring nature of coolness on its head and focus not on what we do, but on what we don’t do, there is no need to spend out to be cool.
to Magic FM, sit in a Costa, and admit to doing an online shop when there’s a perfectly good organic food store down the road. And we sure as hell don’t watch Greatest
Bergman’ contempt. If we can’t be trailblazers, we can still be social commentators who react to what is going on around us. Put it another way; we don’t have to buy cashmere knickers to be someone who wears cashmere
And what we don’t do is listen
‘The
anything other than ‘it’s not Ingmar
Showman’
with
knickers. A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR Another way to be cool is to make something that isn’t cool look cool. A pre-requisite for this is a social media account and more than 10 followers. If we then talk
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Favouritism, whether casual or ormal, just results in the people around you not liking you quite as much as they did before.’
to the audience about something
we nurture our street cred and
Subsequently, cool people then
generally
carefully
become
considered
dull
and
choose
our
‘friends’.
increasingly
reliant
on
boring, but we do it with gravitas,
Whenever we encounter anyone,
each other, resulting in a co-
everyone will automatically want a
the question at the forefront of
dependent network of friendships
piece of the action. If we go all out
our mind must be; ‘What will I gain
that only last because so many
to elevate every subject matter, no
by knowing them?’. We must be
Instagram feeds rely on them.
matter how mundane, people still
keenly selective and blank anybody
think they need to be in on it. And
who cramps our style.
when whatever we are banging on
Alternatively, if this all seems a lot like hard work, what say we give
about becomes a thing, it becomes
THE SNOWBALL EFFECT
ourselves permission to carry on
a trend, which then makes us a
And should we pull off this quest
as we are? Given the calculated
trendsetter by default.
to only know the people we think
effort required to cultivate a cool
are worth knowing, whoever is at
persona
PEOPLE LIKE US
the receiving end of our affection
it’s not the worst idea in the
The final option is to become
is now obliged to remain cool, for
world. Let’s leave the cool people
positively cool by association. Not
fear we might lose interest and
to it. It’s fair to assume they
for the faint-hearted, this requires
seek out better company.
will cope just fine without us.
from
scratch,
perhaps
9
Photo Credit
‘We cannot have ordinary friends who own soft rock hell no! We must be keenly selective...’
Left @thecreative_exchange
self
10
self
wanted: garbage people We need to seek out good company, or at least find somebody equally as bad Becoming suitably worn down by life and looking for a fellow disillusioned person is a reasonable thing to aim for. If we are to live authentically, we need to seek out people with whom we can be ourselves - warts and all. Good friendships need to allow for imperfect, so we don’t spend the whole time feeling like the flawed people we are. We need to be able to go and moan about all the shit that winds us up, and then be able to move on as quickly as we ranted, without apology or fear of being judged. There is nothing more joyous than that moment when, without blinking at our choice of expletives, our friend
Right @steve3p_0
Photo Credit
knows exactly what we are going on about. At that moment, they are not flawed, they are perfect.
Minutia
Within the realm of everyday socialising, one of the more irritating sights is a restaurant table that has a ‘reserved’ sign on it. Our immediate reaction is to note the table’s location within the establishment, which just so happens to be by the window and opposite the view. Bugger! And then, having come to terms with making do with whatever, we give the reserved table side-eye all night, waiting for the people who had the gall to book it to arrive. Did they not realise that by
A reserved table says that someone somewhere knows something we don’t
planning ahead, they made the rest of us feel disorganised and compromised? However, should it be us who made the reservation, it’s an entirely different matter, as we couldn’t care less! There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing a bustling restaurant with no room to swing a cat but for the one empty table that just so happens to be reserved for us. We feel smug and rightly so. Didn’t we do well?
11
Photo Credit
fully booked
Left @iamhiteshdewasi
observations
Minutia
12
etiquette
shooting the breeze Chit-chat for chit-chat’s sake without seeking active friendship makes the world go round - or at least occupies a few minutes while the traffic lights are on red
There will always be a reluctant few
SMALL TALK OPTION 1
that see small talk as utterly pointless.
IMPRESS
Happily, the rest of us are willing to
Nothing
pick up the slack and find ways to fill
than
the silence when bumping into people.
spoken about last time is a little keen,
just walk away without any promise to
but at least they know we pay attention.
follow up. Our work is done.
The more we do small talk, the better
SMALL TALK OPTION 3 CONFESS
impresses
more
Sometimes, all that’s required is a bit
details.
of gossip about something specific.
Admittedly, recalling exactly what was
Having spilled the beans, we can then
remembering
someone minor
we get at it - at least that’s the idea. But while some of us are professionals and manage to have perfect conversations,
SMALL TALK OPTION 2
SMALL TALK OPTION 4
others are unable to work out what
BE POLITE
GET THE HINT
to talk about and when to shut up.
It’s actually okay to go on autopilot and
If
have the exact same conversation as
repeatedly goes out of their way to
But whether we ever master it isn’t
last time. Both parties still get to walk
tell you how chilled out they are about
really the point. Good or clumsy,
away feeling the security that only
everything these days, read between
superficial exchanges are an important
comes from following a loose script.
the lines and stick to breezy chat only.
part
Original conversations with relative
You don’t want to be pissing them off.
strangers can be highly overrated.
The talk might take an unexpected turn.
of
civilised
society.
Perhaps
small talk is not so small after all.
Minutia
the
person
making
small
talk
13
Photo Credit Left @sarahtakforyan
etiquette
Minutia
14
quo
Michael Scott ‘The Office’ (NBC 2005 -2013)
Quote Credit
‘Do I need to b Absolutely not liked. I enjoy b have to be like like this comp like my need to Minutia
ote
Minutia
be liked? t. I like to be being liked. I ed. But it’s not pulsive need o be praised.’ 15
16
etiquette
decoding the X In a world where we like to use our phone to try and say something without saying anything, you can bet how we sign off a text matters
Texting has certainly strayed far from
‘X’
its original purpose as a communication
(a) The conversation is over
tool. In recent years, it’s been given
(b) I’m very busy, so you are extremely
something of a makeover - one that
lucky I responded at all
has promoted it from the lowly position
(c) You’re not one of my good friends
of complementing real conversation
(d) I would be relieved if you cancelled
and real-life socialising, to being the
(e) Read into this every which way
sole method of communication.
(f) We are pretending we thought nothing of it but we totally did
And yet, having our social life reduced
(g) Sure, I’ll have the pepperoni too
to a bunch of characters and emojis is bound to create unexpected problems
‘XX’
- not least because when we have no
(a) I added an extra X to show I am not
nuances or voices to go on, we can
in a mood
easily get the wrong end of the stick.
(b) I’m mildly enthusiastic but won’t lie, not totally feeling it
However, most of the stress around
(c) You’re a good friend but not great
texting occurs not through trying to
(d) Thanks for doing me a very routine
come up with Shakespearean eloquence
favour - it’s been duly acknowledged
in 100 characters or less, or finding an original emoji that adequately sums up
‘XXX’
what we are trying to convey [when in
(a) Always your friend
doubt, the aubergine], but reading far
(b) Enthusiastic, but think it’s bollocks
too much into how someone ends the
(c) Love you too
text. Unless there is a consistent signoff every single time, we automatically
‘XXXX’
jump to the worst possible conclusion.
(a) You’re a total lifesaver
And why wouldn’t you panic when you
(b) Agree, but now shut the fuck up
consider the possible interpretations?
(c) You are that great, you deserve four
Minutia
17
Photo Credit Left @domingoalvarze
etiquette
Minutia
18
self
the great pretender Never mind all the clever research, the real reason that imposter syndrome exists is to stop us from being unbearable
Much
is
made
about
imposter
syndrome and how to overcome it. A
recognised
experience,
imposter
syndrome works on this idea that the more responsibilities, challenges and risks we take on, the more we believe we don’t deserve our success, and that somehow, we have not earned it. BLAGGING IT Most of us identify with imposter syndrome, as it’s almost impossible to go through life without feeling it on occasion. We learn to find ways to overcome it and to bridge the gap between its permanent presence and how we see ourselves. KEEPING IT REAL However, for as many people that handle imposter syndrome with selfdeprecation, there are plenty who go on about how amazing they are. Therefore, is it ever possible to apologise less for one’s existence without being an arsehole? Perhaps imposter syndrome
Right @jeremybishop
Photo Credit
has a useful purpose after all.
Minutia
Minutia
brain box Looking brainy is easier than it sounds if you follow our intelligent tips LESS IS MORE Memorise to
a
EVERYTHING & NOTHING few
casually
quotes
drop
into
When faced with a difficult topic
we
know
nothing
sentences and we instantly
about, it’s useful to say
look
vague
intelligent.
There’s
comments
completely
that
always the danger we might
are
be pressed further on the
interpretation, such as ‘It’s
subject, but normally, people
an extraordinarily complex
are so damn impressed, one
issue isn’t it?’, or a popular
quote should do the trick.
favourite - ‘Yes - No’.
COMFORT ZONE
SHOW DIFFICULTY
Frankly, if we don’t know
Casual
much
intelligence
about
a
complex
open
to
displays such of
of as
the
subject, it’s best just to shut
sprinkling
up. Why not settle for asking
books amongst the chick
heavyweight
lots of serious questions
lit are highly effective ways
instead? Looking fascinated
to indirectly inform others
also makes us look like
of your intellect. Having an
we know what everyone is
important literary classic,
talking about when we don’t.
next to the loo will also catch someone’s eye too.
DON’T MENTION THE FLUFF When it comes to culture, first
impressions
last.
If
CHOOSE SELECT PEOPLE
we ease people in gently
If all else fails, why not hang
by starting off with phrases
out with people who are
such as ‘Radio 4’ and ‘BBC
slightly less intelligent than
3’,
happily
us? It’s an affordable and a
lower the tone to our heart’s
we
can
then
surprisingly effective way to
content.
feel like a bona fide genius.
19
Photo Credit
Left @gaellemarcel
self
20
people
trends in friends 01
02
THE FLUFFER FRIEND
THE ENIGMA FRIEND
With
positive
Deeply knowledgeable about our lives
energy and patience, they make it
and yet we know little about them.
their mission to help us live our #best
They could be a riddle wrapped in a
life. They like to give us pep talks
mystery inside an enigma, but it turns
and quote self-help at us in the hope
out it isn’t as interesting as that. We
that any pearls of wisdom – and the
don’t know them well as we have just
motivational TED talk - might propel us
never bothered to ask them a single
into a whirlwind of proactivity.
question about themselves. Oh.
endless
Right @fallonmichaeltx
Photo Credit
If all our friends were the same, life would be very dull indeed. Here’s to having a friendship portfolio
Minutia
reserves
of
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people 03
04
THE CUL-DE-SAC FRIEND
THE MARMITE FRIEND
Great
company
makes
Tough as old boots with a skin of a
much
effort,
occasionally
rhino, they never bother to read the
so
but
never
we
entertain the idea of overhauling our
room
entire friendship based on mutual
or voicing their opinion. No matter
reciprocation.
the
However,
given
this
when chilly
pushing reception,
their
agenda
they’re
so
friendship has always been a bit one-
unapologetically forthright, people are
sided, we decide it’s not entirely fair to
either worn down, or terrified. After
start changing the rules and keeping
a while, it just becomes easier to be
score with spreadsheets.
friends with them than not.
05
06
THE GOOD CRAP FRIEND
THE FLAT RADAR FRIEND
We put them in the ‘little bit rubbish’
Uncritical and accepting, this friend
category, as we suspect they might
is so warm to all that we feel like we
possibly take their time putting us out
should follow their example. Too bad
if we were on fire. And yet despite this,
we spend our time in their company
we never bother to question the status
quietly debating whether it is possible
quo, or worry about how much they like
to truly like absolutely everyone. We
us in turn. We don’t mind. This good
can only hope some of their loveliness
but unreliable friendship just works.
might start to rub off on us.
07
08
THE TALK SHOP FRIEND
THE MILD MOOD FRIEND
Likes to talk about just one thing when
Goes in and out of moods - at least
we see them and so do we. There’s
we think they do, as they prefer to let
no wish to cover new ground, as it is
us know in a subtle manner and not
more fun to rehash the same story,
through direct confrontation. We make
which never seems to get old. Should
a token gesture to find out what the
we occasionally tire of the subject, we
problem is, but after our query is met
briefly talk about other things, before
with denial, we just go with it. Perhaps
going back to what we do best.
we really are imagining the whole thing.
21
22
self
an easier life Miniscule gestures towards making progress
1
AVOID MUNDANE STUFF
It starts out like any other day. We wake up and we think about our to-do list and those tasks that are gathering dust, quite literally. Normally we would put ourselves off doing them as we normally do. But wait, what is this feeling? Today feels different! Today we are firing on all cylinders and want to hit the ground running. Quick! Let’s tackle some shit! This is where we go wrong. We decide to use this proactive mood to do mundane tasks. And when we do that, our spirits start to fade a little. It turns out that in being unable to decide what part of this unappealing list to tackle first, indecision starts eating into the day. This is not helped by the productive mood disappearing as quickly as it arrived. Before we know it, we’re left with absolutely nothing to show for our day. To think it held such promise! That’s why when we find ourselves feeling like we want to be productive, we must get good things done instead of being slowly beaten down by the tasks we don’t enjoy. So, let’s do the things we want to do. In a rare window
Right @brucemars
Photo Credit
of proactivity, the shit can wait.
Minutia
Minutia
FEEL OBLIGED TO FOLLOW THROUGH
people
about
our
grand
declaration process, we have reached
ambitions is very addictive – so much
that critical moment where the thrill of
so that we end up feeling like we’ve
the talk becomes overwhelmed by the
already achieved them.
obligation to do, for fear of looking like a complete fool.
We get used to relaying all the details, embellishing every single time we tell
Alternatively, we could pull our finger
of our plans, lapping up other people’s
out and start doing what we have
enthusiasm and excitement at how
been banging on about for so long. It
impressive it all sounds. We enjoy
means that the next time we see those
the attention, right up until that point
same people, we can proudly change
when the same people are not quite as
our tense from future to present
wowed on the fifth telling as they were
continuous. At least it suggests some
on the first. Is it our imagination or did
sort of progress is being made. No one
they roll their eyes and stifle a yawn?
needs to know how much exactly, just that we are no longer talking the talk
At this delicate stage of the grand
but walking the walk, albeit very slowly.
23
Photo Credit
2
Telling
Left @safwan_mahmud
self
24
self
3
CREATE TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED We do love surprises - more specifically, we
love
surprises
that
we
didn’t
instigate. Call us unreasonable but we want texts that are not responses to
questions
we
asked;
we
want
anonymous yet very important people looking at our profile on LinkedIn; we want to go on holiday to some random place in the world and happen to bump into someone we used to be best friends with at primary school. Even a song to come on just as we were thinking about it would be nice. Unfortunately,
we
can’t
guarantee
these sorts of surprises. That would be like organising our own surprise party. Instead, we need to find ways to surprise ourselves with the possibility of surprise. One that doesn’t involve leaving the front door open to see if we get burgled. Perhaps we could turn our phone off for a bit and then switch it back on to see who made contact? Or leave it to someone else to book a restaurant? Maybe we could write someone a letter in the hope of a response? We can always find ways to create small opportunities
for
the
unexpected
to happen. At least we’ll get to look
Right @good_citizen
Photo Credit
pleasantly surprised when it does.
Minutia
Minutia
4
READ NEWS WITHOUT READING NEWS It’s not so much that reading the news is hard: it’s that finding the balance between reading enough to be informed but not too much to be wound up is exceedingly difficult. However, it is still possible to make our news consumption a little less stressful. Going cold turkey and avoiding the news altogether works on the basis that we know that things are still rubbish, but we are not overwhelmed with any details. Alternatively, for those of us that prefer to keep informed but with minimal stress, we have two options: we can either seek out only positive news to finish the day on the right note, or we can set a limit on the time we spend keeping our finger on the pulse. Certainly, where it’s easy to slip up is reading too many negative articles in one hit. Life can be shitty but insisting on reading about life being shitty twenty times over – well, that’s on us. For the sake of our dopamine levels, we need to make news consumption work for us and not seek out trouble unnecessarily. Besides, sticking the head in the sand on occasion, never did anyone any harm.
25
Photo Credit
Left @waldemarbrandt67w
self
Moira Rose ‘Schitts Creek’ (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation 2015 - 2020)
Quote Credit
26
Minutia
quo
‘Be careful, Jo suffer vertigo dizzying heigh moral ground.’
ote
Minutia
ohn, lest you from the hts of your ’
27
28
self
quit on a high There are always those moments in daily life where it’s just best to call it a day while the going is good
1
2
SINGING KARAOKE
TELLING A GOOD JOKE
The applause for our rendition of Lady
We made you laugh that one time
Gaga was so deafening, we just had to
completely by fluke, so we think we can
get back up there with another song
do it again. Worse still, we let you know
from our extensive repertoire. But like
at the beginning of the joke that you
that difficult second album, we don’t
are going to laugh. We start off well
get such a warm reception. It’s as if the
and then halfway through, we falter, as
audience know we are chasing down
we are starting to forget where we are
the adoration. By the time we have
going with this. We are also noticing
been up there a further three times -
that
including a group number for ‘Let it Be’
has thrown into jeopardy the entire
by The Beatles - we are unwanted. If
punchline. After the experience is over,
we did a stage dive right now, people
both parties collect their thoughts on
would not cushion our fall.
what just took place. It wasn’t good.
the
uncertainty
3 DOUBLE DOUBLE-CHECKING technology and hiring a proof-reader to double-check for
Top Left @kanereinholdtsen • Middle Right @dan_scape Bottom Left @courtneynuss • Bottom Right @honeyyanibel
Photo Credits
We have gone to the trouble of using the right editing mistakes, only to decide at the last minute to add something extra. Unfortunately, it’s this ‘extra’ that happens to have a big typo in it that everybody notices. And even once that has been corrected, we still don’t learn the lesson. We edit another sentence or two or three, leaving us with no choice but to go through the proofing process all over again.
Minutia
in
our
voice
5 THE CLAY COMPLEX We have never done pottery before, but instead of playing it safe and doing a coil pot, we decide to go straight to the sexy stuff. How hard can it be? Just a foot on the wheel with a steady hand, right? After a few attempts, we’ve created something or other that vaguely resembles a round blob. And still we
4
decide we’re not done. We plan a taller, more ambitious vase like we have seen
FROM PENCIL TO PEN
at the Louvre. Suddenly, it goes horribly
We are doing careful calligraphy, using
memory of that vaguely round blob.
wrong. We are left with nothing but the
pencils so we can rub out. Looking at the results, we are impressed with our
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efforts. However, instead of just being thankful we didn’t cock it up, we decide to get the big guns out and finish what
CULINARY AMBITIONS
we have done in permanent marker.
We have done so well with tray bakes
The pen wobbles and goes outside the
and one pot wonders, we then try to
line, and suddenly it looks bad. For a
expand our culinary offering to include
moment we’re shocked as we were sort
all sorts of fancy dishes that require
of thinking we could just ‘undo’ like on
expensive
the computer. But no, it’s quite literally,
timings. Going on the average results
back to the drawing board for us.
we should have stuck with Spag Bol.
ingredients
and
careful
7 COSMETIC FINISHING TOUCHES We are killing it on the make up front. Somehow with luck on our side, we have mastered that complicated eye liner look and kept a steady hand. Admiring ourselves in the mirror for several minutes, including the odd wink, we think the effect is nothing short of electric. And now having put some mascara on, we decide that what would finish off our look nicely is a little bit of colour just there. Unfortunately, we have not tried out the colour before and it not only looks rubbish, but it also somehow smudges the existing make-up. And bugger, it doesn’t appear to be coming off either.
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Photo Credits
self
Top Left @customerbox Middle Left @_miltiadis Top Right @thebloomintale
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Right @philberndt
Photo Credit
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self
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self
extra ordinary Must we always feel obliged to explain away being average like it’s a big misunderstanding?
Newsflash! Sometimes, we are just a bit
belief, it is still possible to be ordinary
average. However, instead of accepting
and achieve worthwhile things.
we are ordinary and slap bang in the middle, we insist on telling ourselves
FAIR TO MIDDLING
we are just geniuses in the making.
What say we accept the fact that even
Apparently, if we just tapped into our
with the wind at our back, the stars
inner potential - that, judging from their
aligned and a dose of vital chi energy
highlight reels on social media, other
running through our veins, we are more
people manage to do ridiculously well
likely to be average than not - as are
- we would probably be rather amazing.
most people. Otherwise, by its very nature, there would be no extraordinary.
THE GENIUS WITHIN If we had taken full advantage of all
If we accept being average, we will
that was on offer and a) done that fancy
not only be more fulfilled in daily
diploma, b) hit the gym more often or
life, but freed up to focus on what
c) been amazing at maths, we might
we do have going for us. There is
well have stood out from the crowd.
still a bit of unfulfilled potential in us somewhere - at least we think there is.
The
trouble
is
that
this
kind
of
thinking not only ignores our positive
REASONS TO ENJOY BEING AVERAGE
attributes but supports this idea that
1. No having to regularly dust trophies
if it weren’t for a long list of reasons,
2. No obligation to boast on Facebook
we would otherwise be extraordinary.
3. No extreme highs or lows 4. No pressure to hold onto Michelin star
And yet just supposing we are average
5. No having to put letters after name
and lead ordinary lives. Is that the
6. No having to rehearse Oscar speech
worst thing in the world? So what if
7. No having to go in for marathons
we didn’t apply ourselves, never had
8. No feelings of jealousy
the big idea, or just had a limited circle
9. No indirect pressure on loved ones
of competence. Contrary to popular
10. No guilt over the thrill of the odd win
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Right @shotaspot
Photo Credit
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self
wh
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self
ere the story ends Once upon a time, there was no happy ever after just a load of slightly unsatisfactory endings NO LAST WORD Not as eloquent as we’d have liked dammit! 100% SILENCE With nothing to go on, it’s the only sign we have that it wasn’t as we thought COMPLETE GONG SHOW So disastrous that it’s probably best not to think about it NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED There are so many possible causes, we cannot begin to go there HEAD IN THE SAND It remains an eternal mystery to us, but judging by the looks, not to others DRIPPING TAP No drama, it just slowly petered out GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST As good as ended - just a shame about the online presence
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etiquette
bragger with swagger Is it ever possible to boast without being irritating? Sort of but not really
THE NO BOAST DISCLAIMER There’s nothing more annoying than the person who lines up imaginary fanfare trumpets to announce their
Occasionally,
we
feel
so
damn
someone who is relatively down-to-
good fortune. Naively, they seem to
pleased with everything, we want to
earth. A bragging sandwich offers us
think that forewarning others by way
tell everyone how amazing it all is.
wiggle room to be as boastful as we
of saying ‘Smug Alert!’ removes the
However, when it comes to boasting, it
like. Indeed, the willingness to balance
irritation. That’s why boasting is best
is less about what is being said than
boasting with humility cancels out
done briefly and spontaneously. Make
who it is being said to. The general
any arrogance in one fell swoop.
your point but then swiftly move on.
audience, the less irritating we are.
BOAST BY NOT BOASTING
BOAST ABOUT BIG STUFF
Unsurprisingly,
automatically
Holding back on the boasting and
If we’re going to boast, we must go big
decide to share any good fortune on
letting the grapevine do the heavy
or go home. This means only going
a social media platform, whatever
lifting is also a great way to indirectly
on about accomplishments that are
we write to all our ‘friends’ will be
tell others of our good fortune. The
universally recognised as impressive.
interpreted in a negative way. Be under
joy of gossip is that it spreads like
If we boast about any small milestone
no illusion that when we boast, people
wildfire. That we are so modest
such as the ‘Kindness Award’ at Prize
don’t wish us well. Not really.
that the news didn’t come from us
Day or coming joint seventh in the
also gives us a free pass for future
park run, people will just think we set
boasting opportunities.
a low bar and feel a bit sorry for us.
rule of thumb is that the smaller the if
we
BOASTING RIGHTS Alternatively, a good boast sprinkled with humble disclaimers is a different
BOAST BY COMPLAINING
action entirely. It says that we are
In
the
But if being outwardly proud and
aware of the crime of boasting, but that
drawbacks of a charmed life provides
self-satisfied to others will never be
we trust our friend will not interpret it in
a wonderful opportunity to boast. For
our thing, not to worry as there will
a negative way – or at least know that
example, instead of saying what a
always be a small minority of people
wasn’t our intention. We are boasting
big house we have, we could perhaps
who are happy to boast for all of
because we are proud, not because we
moan about it taking 18 hours to
us. And when we experience proper
are motivated by one-upmanship.
clean as the au pair is off for the day.
bragging in free-form - purposeful,
Or perhaps we are stressed by having
flowing and unapologetic - it’s a very
BOAST & ROAST
to decide between three all-inclusive
thrilling thing indeed. Such is the
If for every anecdote of excessive pride,
tropical island resorts. Appear to be
admiration and awe we feel at their
we start and finish with a couple of
suffering with lots of problems that
brazen stance, it almost cancels out
self-deprecating comments, people’s
happen to only come with being very
the urge to high-five them in the face
lasting impression of us will be one of
fortunate and we can really go to town.
with a chair. Almost.
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addition,
moaning
BOAST UNAPOLOGETICALLY about
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Photo Credit Left @steve3p_0
etiquette
Right @coleito
Photo Credit
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observations
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observations
animal magic When we first get a pet, we are always in pursuit of the imaginary thank you note
biodegradable toys that are good for the planet? ROAD HARD & PUT AWAY WET Then the novelty of taking care of an animal starts to fade and we enter the
The day we go from first-time pet owner
disillusionment phase. This is when we
to experienced pet owner is a happy
notice that despite our best efforts,
one. To have done it for long enough to
we’re not the amazing pet owners
be able to take care of our furry friend
we thought we were. Not only is the
without a second thought means such
bloody animal not answering to their
a lot. We have learnt to automatically
name, but they’re also taking no notice
incorporate our pet’s routine into ours,
of ‘Sit’ and ‘No’, or walking at a pace
while
conducive to burning calories.
effortlessly
meeting
needs,
without spending a fortune on organic snacks. And we not only know our shit,
IMAGINARY GRATITUDE
we no longer mind clearing it up. Yes,
Just when we think we couldn’t get more
getting here is a rather a big deal.
disillusioned, we then start to seek validation of our efforts - a visible sign
PET EXPERTS
from the animal that they are happy.
When we decide to follow the path of those that have gone before, the people
Never mind a wag of a tail or marking
around us make pet ownership look so
of territory; we want a thank you letter
easy, we foolishly think to ourselves,
written on a grass mat, in perfect
‘How hard can it be?’. Having then
animal scrawl that says: Dear Owner,
spent time and money on our new
Thanks for bending over backwards
addition, we then surf the web looking
to accommodate me in every possible
for proof that our high standards make
way. You are the best person ever.
us the best pet owner ever.
Signed, Your Happy Pet P.S. Loving the snacks.
For a brief period, we interpret the bemused reactions of others as a sign
Just think, all that stands between us
we are doing it better. Why on earth
and the established pet owner is that
would we give pets discarded paper
imaginary thank you note. Come to
bags and leftover cardboard boxes to
terms with the fact that this is never
play with, when we can buy expensive
going to happen, and we’ll be sorted.
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etiquette
i’ll have what you’re having If being copied by someone really doesn’t matter, then why is it so terribly annoying? The first big lie we are told in our
Whether it is a six-year-old discovering
childhood is that ‘imitation is the
their classmate has bought the exact
sincerest
the
same box of crayons, a forty-something
second, that we are unreasonable to
noticing the swift arrival of the exact
get annoyed by it. Within the realm
same hot tub in the neighbour’s garden,
of
human
form
of
flattery’
behaviour,
-
has
or a pensioner buying the exact same
always been classified as a perfectly
copying
electric bike as their friend, copying
acceptable thing to do.
makes people, young and old, feel annoyed. The fact it’s hard to articulate
THEIR ACTION - OUR PROBLEM
why those feelings follow us around,
When someone decides to go and do the
doesn’t mean they should be dismissed.
exact same thing, the problem belongs with us. We are not only expected to be
Surely, if this is the universal reaction,
okay with the copying, if we push back
we need to pay more attention to
a little, we’re seen as petty - which
how we go about doing the same
we are to a degree. Not surprisingly,
as
we’re so busy being told off, we never
sensitivity
bother to unpack why the extreme urge
people will mind – or at least, they
to mark our territory in the first place.
probably will, but will still appreciate your
others.
Copy and
efforts
to
with
it’s
tact
highly
not
annoy
and
unlikely
them.
SAME FEELING EVERY TIME On the face of it, reasonable people
THE COPYCAT RULES
do have a point. In a world where we’re
1. Acknowledge the source of inspiration
hard-pressed to find anything remotely
2. Let the person know they have great
original, it does seem silly to get
taste and flatter their ego accordingly
possessive over ideas. However, that
3. If possible, buy something very
doesn’t change the fact that copying
similar but not identical
still
4. Don’t be too indignant. Chances are
provokes
the
same
timeless
reaction in us - one of irritation.
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you too got your idea from someone else
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Photo Credit Left @all_who_wander
etiquette
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quo
‘Once worked three years an his name. Bes had. We still n sometimes.’ Ron Swanson ‘Parks & Recreation’ (NBC 2009 - 2015)
Quote Credit
Ron Swanson ‘Parks & Recreation’ (NBC 2009 - 2015)
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ote
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with a guy for nd never learnt st friend I ever never talk
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people
one of the gang It’s not so much that people get less cliquey with age, they just get more passive aggressive
so much we cannot imagine being on the outside looking in anymore; we just don’t want to. Somehow, we’ve regressed back to the age where the wish to belong is much greater than the need to include.
Remember the teenage years where
READ THE ROOM
someone would inform us that we
Should our thick-skinned selves finally
TIES THAT BIND
weren’t invited to the party? Admittedly,
pick up on the hints and clock that
Luckily, all this playground behaviour
we were crushed, but after the initial
we are not invited to join, any mature
is interrupted by one indisputable fact:
shock, we gave it no more thought. It
magnanimity is soon replaced with
the middle-aged clique has a definite
was strangely freeing to know exactly
irritation. It’s not that being excluded
shelf life. As much as the desire to
where we stood. Know your place! No
is
anymore
be part of a gang remains timeless,
problem. We could do that!
– we are big and ugly enough to
it is pretty much impossible for a
handle it – it’s just at this age, it feels
reasonable person to reach a certain
SAME BUT DIFFERENT
unnecessary for someone to find their
age and base their social life on a
Cut to being a proper grown up and on
sense of belonging at our expense.
simple Venn diagram. Whether this fact
precisely
devastating
the surface, cliques still appear to be
is convenient for our ageing ego or not
the same. However, should we attempt
KNOW YOUR PLACE
is completely irrelevant. Like it or not,
to join a new social group without any
However, it doesn’t take much for
friendship circles will always overlap.
shared history or common recreational
the lure of the clique to bring out the
interests,
worst in us too. Should all that one-way
PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE
conversation finally pay off and result
Added to which, for all the thrill of
in a clear invitation to join, such is
being part of a carefully curated group,
Initially, clique members are pleasant
our gratitude, we want to preserve our
we will always prioritise friendships
and
hard-won place at any cost.
that don’t require so much in the way of
we
start
to
notice
key
differences.
their
manner
polite,
so
we
mistakenly think we might become
self-consciousness and energy. Faced
friends. In reality, all that’s happened
And nothing has more gravitas than
with the prospect of being labelled as
is
from
being part of a socially exclusive
‘in’ or ‘out’ according to rules made up
youth has been watered down with
that
group that is ‘closed’ to most people.
by a bunch of people we don’t quite
passive aggressiveness, in the hope
Being accepted by an aloof clique
draw breath around, suddenly old ties
that enough awkward silence and
takes our street cred up a level. It
feel less like hard work. That’s why,
monosyllabic responses might head us
not only tells us we are perceived in
as timeless as their appeal is, socially
off at the pass. If only they tapped into
a certain way, but makes it clear we
exclusive cliques hold far less sway
their inner teen to say ‘fuck off’ to our
are better than those non-members
than we think. We are simply too old
face, it might save us all a lot of bother.
hoping to join themselves. It’s not
for this shit.
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the
familiar
disdain
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Photo Credit Left @kimsondoan
people
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Right @bonvivant
Photo Credit
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observations
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observations
a matter of taste Just because it’s trending doesn’t make it any good. And just because it’s easy on the brain doesn’t make it bad. No wonder determining what makes good TV has got a bit complicated Once upon a time a TV show could be
world has gone mad for them. Rarely
a bit rubbish. Now in the age of Netflix,
do we dare to fess up that it just wasn’t
there is no such thing. The compulsion
our thing. We go with the majority, as
we feel to watch a show has become
we worry it makes a statement that we
the main benchmark by which to judge
are trying to be different somehow.
whether it is any good or not. OUR TASTE NOT WORTHY EASY PEASY RULES
There’s also this idea that unless we
Never mind if the acting is bad and
are sat there with our tongues hanging
the plot clunky in parts, the fact that
out in concentration, our tastes are just
we are happy to sit there for six hours
not ‘good’ enough. Typical apologetic
somehow raises its stock. The more we
disclaimers range from ‘I know it’s
watch, the more momentum over-rides
rubbish’ and ‘speaking of a guilty
our own internal quality control. Quite
pleasure’, to ‘it’s so bad it’s good’.
frankly, who cares if it’s a pile of tosh! The fact we just wanted to see what
What say that instead of watching
happened made it worth something
what we’re supposed to watch and
after all.
apologising for our tastes, we start trusting
our
own
criteria
judgement for
and
FOLLOW THE CROWD
personal
We also get into the habit of watching
Change our attitude just a bit and a
enjoyment?
programmes just because the entire
lifetime of fabulously crap telly awaits.
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observations
the great job never done The truth is that there will always be people who say they’ll get back to us but never do. How annoying We are really pleased - no, make that delighted - when finally, they come around to quote the job. It’s something we’ve been wanting to do for a while, and like so many others, they have been hard to pin down. The initial meeting goes suspiciously well. Such is their willingness to drill down to the details, they have made us think it might just happen. Yippee! We say we’d like to go ahead and
they are great. Still impressed by
no mention of you know what, just a
that’s where we go wrong. We have
the imaginary work they haven’t yet
one-sided conversation about how
forgotten we are the customer and
done, we go one step further and
busy they are doing work for everyone
have overplayed our hand. We should
recommend them to someone else.
else. Nothing. Is. Ever. Mentioned.
Right @markusspiske
Photo Credit
have said we had a few other quotes to
Again.
consider. As it stands, they now sense
Weeks later, we haven’t heard a
they’re in the driving seat and start to
single thing. Worse still, we have
Finally, we come to terms with the
backtrack. They look us right in the eye
chased them up beyond the point
fact we need to go through the whole
and say they’ll be in touch. It seems a
we
our
search process again. Wearily, we ask
little open-ended, but we take it at face
polite messages have been met with
around for recommendations, only to
value and part on hopeful terms.
silence. It gets us thinking: had we
find that they all happen to be the one
can
chase
anymore.
All
imagined the whole exchange? Why
and same elusive person. Apparently,
Despite our niggling doubts, we decide
do they wave cheerily at us from their
there’s nobody in the entire area
to forge ahead with the idea that they
vehicle as though they have already
more reliable or qualified than they.
will do the job. We tell everyone around
done the job? And why are we waving
Apparently, there’s also no escape
us and the same everyone thinks we
right back? We even bump into them
from the person who does a great job
have chosen well, as they, too, hear
a few times and make small talk with
for everybody else apart from us.
making an effort before the effort Why do we insist on trying on clothes without shaving our legs first? We may not have to contend with as many strip-lighting changing rooms, but the distraction of our own lack of grooming when clothes shopping remains as big an issue as ever. If we are trying on new clothes at home, to
home-made gifts If we are prepared to give our crafty creations to other people, we had better make sure they are not mediocre
stand a chance of seeing the potential of our purchase, the least we can do is brush that hair and sort out the sagging knickers. Plug in the dry ice machine and present our best selves, and we are more likely to keep the clothes.
We can’t kid ourselves that when we give someone a home-made something or other, they automatically think we’re just talented and thoughtful. People always cast a critical eye over what we have made. We know as we do it too. Should our creative efforts be too cheesy, too gluey, too paper ‘quillingly’ or too reminiscent of something else that was better done commercially, people will inwardly roll their eyes while sincerely thanking you for the thought. Too much celebrating all things craft and the recipient of our creative efforts will either think we are taking it all a bit too seriously and look for signs of an Etsy store, or presume that we’re doing it as an economical alternative to a shop bought card - especially if we skip the gold leaf foil in favour of Pritt Stick and tissue. There is no two ways about it: our vision had better be beautifully executed because people will be giving it a score out of ten. That’s why, should we choose to go down the home-made route, we must hold ourselves to a high standard. Not shit. Aim for that.
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Photo Credit
Top Left @princeabid708 Bottom Right @danteov_seen
observations
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dear ms find Why not get advice from Ms Find, our resident agony aunt?
Right Lisa McNair
Illustration Credit
Unimportant problems only
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advice
column
dilemma 1
dilemma 2
Stop with the Mountain Talk!
30 Cycles in & it’s Good to Go!
Dear Ms Find
Dear Ms Find,
My
to
Why does a manufacturer do rigorous
another country and is always being
friend
tests to make sure a machine is fit for
very disparaging about her homeland,
purpose? Surely, all they are doing is
where I still happen to live. Should I say
wearing it out, so it doesn’t last long.
anything?
What do you think?
Yours
Yours
I’m Staying Put
Don’t Wear It Out
answer
answer
No, Let Them Bang On!
It’s Still Brand New-ish
Dear I’m Staying Put,
Dear Don’t Wear It Out,
Only
when
has
recently
expats
are
moved
afraid
As far as you and your warranty are
to admit the good aspects of their
not
concerned, the machine is new. But
homeland and stop doing the whole
yes, the odds of breaking at some point
‘look at my mountain view’ chat on a
are not in your favour. It’s also likely
loop, do we know they are settled. In
this will happen after the warranty has
the meantime, just accept the fact you
run out and when you have no more
live in a complete shithole of a country.
clean underwear.
Yours,
Yours,
Ms Find
Ms Find
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Photo Credit Left @thecreative_exchange
