01 Adding Gravitas to the Everyday
MINUTIA
VOL
EDITION WINTER 2021
FEATURES THIS EDITION How to Be a Nicer Person. Resident Experts. The #BFF. Embracing Failure.
Thanks to the following Unsplash photographers who featured in this magazine: Page 2/Page 38: Johnson Wang (@ jdubs); Page 2/Page 43: Xan Griffin (@XanGriffin); Page 6: Adi Goldstein (@adigold1); Annie Spratt (@anniespratt); Pierre Bamin (@bamin); Page 7: Mollie Sivaram (@molliesivaram); Mae Mu (@picoftasty); Page 8: Chase Clark (@ chaseelliotclark); Roger Harris (@ramjetnz); Page 9: Ashley Jurius (@ashleyjurius); Page 11: Briana Tozour (@britozour); Page 15: Mika Baumeister (@mbaumi), Page 16: Nathan Lemon (@processrepeat); Page 17: Timothy Meinberg (@timothymeinberg); Page 23 Andrej Lisakov (@lishakov); Page 25: Paweł Czerwiński(@pawel_czerwinski); Page 28: Ryoji Iwata (@ryoji_iwata); Namroud Gorgui (@namroud); Maksym Kaharlytskyi (@qwitka); Page 29: Levi Jones (@levidjones); Taylor Kiser (@foodfaithfit); Amy Humphries (@amyjoyhumphries); Page 37: Sammie Vasquez (@ sammieeev); Page 39: Jon Tyson (@jontyson); Hello I’m Nik (@helloimnik); Page 40: Jacob B (@nervum); Page 41: Jonathan Francisca (@jonathan_francisca); Stephanie Harvey (@stephanieharvey); Page 42: Dan LeFebvre (@danlefeb); Steve Harvey (@trommelkopf); Jonathan Velasquez (@jonathanvez); Page 44: Jonathan Cooper (@theshuttervision); Page 45: Florian Klauer(@florianklauer). www.unsplash.com
Minutia
Minutia
Editor’s Letter Welcome to Minutia, the women’s magazine that celebrates the trivial, the mundane and the ordinary. In our Winter 2021 edition, we evaluate how you can be nicer without being nice, and why positive affirmations on mugs will not transform your life. We also take a closer look at the social media phenomenon that is the #BFF, and how to handle WhatsApp group chats without losing your cool. Talking of social skills, we have some essential life hacks for when you cannot be arsed to go out, and for when you’ve properly failed with a capital ‘F’. And yes, while we are on the subject of the ‘F’ word, we also look into why swearing is so important. Too fucking right. Lucy Austin Managing Editor
It is our hope that by talking about the aspects of everyday life that aren’t glamorous, trendy or sexy, you start to feel a bit more content with your lot. You might even find a smidgen more camaraderie among your peers - yes, even that one on the corner who gives you side-eye for no good reason. Here’s to everyday shit. Let us finally give it the attention it deserves.
EDITORIAL ENQUIRIES hello@minutia-life.com
PHOTOGRAPHIC ENQUIRIES See overleaf
BLOG www.minutia-life.com
SOCIAL MEDIA Twitter / @minutialife
3
Minutia - The Highlights Friend Trend
10
The latest social media accessory - the BFF
WhatsUp with WhatsApp
15
The social media app behind our daily discontent
Tiny Little Bit Less Terrible
16
How to be nicer without being nice
A Tale of Fail
18
Accepting fuckups for what they are
Getting on Our Nerves
31
Handling annoying people
TV Shows for Couch Potatoes The temporary influence of the makeover
32
Be a Pain & Complain
33
Effective ways to tell someone they suck
Big Risk
36
Go on: Schedule in some wild abandon
Printed Wisdom
39
How effective are positive affirmations on signage? Err, not very
Podcasts
42
The good the bad and the ones that are a bit too long
Resident Experts
43
When people become good at what they are bad at
Rude Words
44
Why swearing is bloody good for you
5
6
Minutia
THE SMALL STUFF THE WORST SOUND EVER Dawn rubbish removal sucks There is nothing worse than the sound of the rubbish truck. The first thought is wondering if we’ve left the right bin out the second, what if we are accidentally chucking out a Faberge egg? Had we best check? Damn those pesky bin lorries!
SMALL TALK IN BIG GROUPS Dominating social situations with strangers There is nothing worse than a load of people all queuing up to tell anecdotes without actually listening to each other. When faced with one-upmanship in a social setting you have the following options: 1. Drop a bombshell with lots of facial expressions and body language that has everyone staying on topic. 2. Tell a long story, ignoring the glazed expressions. 3. Yawn loudly to let that person know they are boring you shitless. 4. Stand up and say, ‘fuck this shit’ and head out the door.
SENDING BIRTHDAY WISHES A guess will have to do If you find it difficult to remember birthdays, why not just send a card at the beginning of the month with a note on the envelope that says: OPEN ON BIRTHDAY? It will make you look very organised and no one will be any the wiser.
Minutia
MATCHING CROCKERY
MONDAY EVENING HOBBIES
Showing off your Sunday Best
Dedication is hard to come by
Let us take a minute to think about dinnerware that looks immaculate and co-ordinated. Unfortunately, this beautiful crockery only exists in our minds. The moment it starts being used, inevitably there will be chips and cheaper substitutes. Perhaps we should just settle for a photo instead and crack on.
We are more likely to go to evening classes if we have paid up front and have a load of people expecting us. Why would we leave our warm house to sit in a musty hall with no heating and strip lighting otherwise? Essentially, when learning a new skill on our own time, we will always take the easiest option wherever possible - not go.
Minutia
observations
THE SMALL STUFF JOE PUBLIC RAPPING Words fail us Hearing regular people rapping is beyond stressful. Never mind the scripted chatter that clearly took hours to memorise, what about the pure relief we feel that they didn’t stumble. Only when they shut the fuck up, do we dare to breathe out.
REALITY SHOWS The joy of watching people fight on telly We’ve all got that one thing that we put on the telly to relax and enjoy some pure escapism. And yet light-hearted entertainment that requires no strenuous brain activity or thought gets such bad press. Little do they realise that it is quite soothing to watch people on reality shows upping the drama and daring to ‘go there’. Their confrontational behaviour is cathartic and provides comfort because we live vicariously through them. People behaving badly when we don’t soothes the soul.
ONE-MINUTE HOBBY Good while it lasted As part of a drive to overhaul our lifestyle, we commit to a new hobby, buying the paraphernalia and going on about it to everyone. Then comes the day we feel a little bit bored of it, so we quietly down tools and never speak of it again.
YOU MISSED A BIT
AL DENTE
When good makeup goes bad
Raw is now cool
Rushing out the door, only to find half-way through the day that we not only forgot to put eye shadow on one eye but didn’t catch the cupid’s bow is always a low point. It creates a dilemma of whether it is best to look au naturel, or like you at least tried to make an effort but downed tools too early. Not sure which option is better.
Far too many people are using the phrase ‘al dente’ now, which is a polite way of saying something isn’t cooked properly. Back in the day, a negative was a negative with no upsides. Raw pasta could be just that a little bit undercooked. What happened?
7
8
observations
THE SMALL STUFF RICH PEOPLE LOOKING POOR Don a tiara Who are these celebrities that go about looking so casual and scruffy. Why wouldn’t you treat every outing as an opportunity to properly dress up? What happened to the days of the fake mink stoll and tiara. Must there be so much camel-toe?
RUBBISH PRESENTS Crap but serve a purpose Perhaps it’s okay to buy hand cream and other bland presents. Better to buy for buying’s sake and risk having our gift being put in the present drawer than to not give anything at all. Safe and generic presents, while exceedingly boring, do the job they are supposed to. The trouble comes when we open up a load of crap presents at the same time, as it makes us feel rather dull - not to mention ever-so-slightly unaccomplished. The sheer volume of hand cream in our possession means we are obliged to take the hint.
PAVEMENT CYCLING IS A THING When did we swap places? Cyclists on pavements mean that pedestrians on roads are now a normal sight. While some cyclists have realised they can’t text and ride, others are nervous about oncoming traffic and would prefer to knock pedestrians over instead.
Minutia
BORING MYSTERIES
ENDLESS APPLAUSE
Losing our shit
Feels like it will never end
Having something go astray in the house when we saw it five minutes ago, can drive us scatty. Far worse however, is not finding out what became of it. We spend our precious time trying to think of places we haven’t been within three rooms. Eventually we discover its fate and it’s never very exciting. A whole unnecessary chapter of our lives we can’t get back.
It is extremely easy to get stressed watching one of those TV shows where the audience clap enthusiastically and rapturously for any old thing - and for several minutes too, with the presenters trying in vain to move the programme along. After a while it becomes a panic inducing experience, prompting a bit of shouting on our part to “shut up and get on with it”.
self
BEEN THERE
DONE THAT
GOT THE PASSPORT Someone daring to go on holiday brings out the worst in us. When did we get so possessive over travel?
Minutia
Hearing other people’s travel stories brings out the worst in us. We automatically pretend to look interested and then find the first opportunity to interject with our own tales of holidays. It’s as if we are hogging travel for fear that our passports will evaporate if we don’t. It never occurs to us to allow people to have a travel story. We insist on bringing it back to ourselves and before we know it, their destination becomes our favourite place in the world. And even if we haven’t been to where they have, we don’t let that stop us. We continually interject with our own personal anecdotes, regardless of when we last went abroad or whether it is relevant to what is being talked about. Perhaps when the next person announces that they are going on holiday, we will pause, take a deep breath, and ask them about their plans with something resembling generosity of spirit. Or not.
9
10
people
FRIEND TREND Question: How do you know if someone has a best friend? Answer: Don’t worry, they’ll find a way of letting you know Sometimes we are faced with a situation that makes us regress right back to being a spotty teen at school. One such scenario is coming across someone who goes out of their way to tell you they have a best friend. They’ll either automatically attach the phrase ‘best friend’ as a pre-fix before the name every single time it is mentioned, or they’ll both engage in shorthand banter in front of you to let you know the state of play. Unlike men – who can have a best friend without pomp or ceremony – you only have to go onto social media to come across thousands of women who need to publicise the fact that they still have a Best Friend Forever – or a ‘BFF’ as it’s now commonly known.
Minutia
Special & Old For a long time, the common characteristic of this kind of intense friendship was longevity – in that having found a special person in childhood, the BFF remained as true and loyal once they reached adulthood. Woe betide anyone who attempted to break this ridiculously long – so long it is easier to stay in the friendship than run for the hills – bond.
However, a best friend from school does not always mean that you are best friends for anything other than the fact you have known each other for a long time. We can only presume that there are many BFFs who, given half a chance, would admit that the friendship is well past its sell-by date. This One Lately, the driving force behind a lot of BFF declarations has shifted slightly from focusing on longevity to having
found a ‘soul mate’. It makes sense. Such are the social media demands for a good narrative, the whole concept of the BFF has changed to adapt. Furthermore, acquiring a favourite pal in later life is less sentimental and has become like purchasing a designer handbag. Finding someone on the same wavelength is an empowering statement to make. Get longevity and soul mate in the same package and the result is pure PR gold. A typical social media post will entail an airbrushed picture of two women having a laugh about something, accompanied by a choice of phrases such as ‘my ride or die’, ‘always having fun,’, ‘my sister from another mother’, or – a particular favourite ‘this one’, and sprinkled with hashtags such as #friendship, #bestfriends, #bestfriendsforever, #BFF, #oldfriends, and #soulmate.
people
Minutia
‘Favouritism, whether casual or formal, just results in the people around you not liking you quite as much as they did before.’ We Get it The fact that someone has a favourite person would not be so annoying if it were not for the fact that they spend the whole time reminding everyone around them that they have a best friend. As though they are a cat pissing by way of marking their own territory, they automatically say ‘best friend’ every time the name of a specific person is mentioned. This not only stakes a public claim, it sends a clear message that this person is off limits to everyone else. Rarely do we meet the same best friend twice over for the simple reason that a true BFF only allows for one at a time. As the public nature of the best friend is essential to its existence, having a discreet one just does not exist. The rule is simple: if you do not talk about having a BFF, then you clearly do not have one.
The trouble is that this publicity has a negative impact on others. For all the reasons behind the urge to mention the phrase ‘best friend’, there is really only one outcome – it pisses other people off.
Having someone go on about their best friend also has this effect of prompting the happiness-sucking practice of comparison. The BFF makes people rigorously evaluate their own friendships in a critical manner.
Favouritism, whether casual or formal, just results in the people around you not liking you quite as much as they did before. Ironically, it can leave the person even more dependent on that BFF they have been banging on about.
However, for as many people that twitch at the idea of being a BFF, given life’s impermanence and the need for security, there are just as many for whom having the title bestowed on them is a source of pride. It’s just a pity the public declaration aspect of it creates unnecessary pressure too.
The Art of Being Left Out It also turns out that the horrible feeling of being left out has not got better with age. The pre-fix of ‘best friend’ comes across as cliquish, as though you are not inviting everyone to the party. However you dress it up, there is an underlying meaning behind the phrase, and it is this: “I have a favourite and it’s not you”.
As Peter Parker in Spiderman, is told: ‘With great power, comes great responsibility’. Initial flattery can soon give way to something that feels an awful lot like claustrophobia. Perhaps it’s worth remembering that what makes friendship special is that it isn’t compulsory.
11
12
etiquette
GETTING OUT OF GOING OUT We’ve all been there - you say yes to something you have no intention of going to, and then it starts hanging over you.
OPTION 01
OPTION 03
Sound vague but dramatic.
Do a (very) last minute text.
Fear not, there are some ways to get out of going out. Just remember not to use the same excuse twice with the same person. Be warned, you might also feel a little bit left out that you didn’t go and a teensy bit guilty for being so flaky. You can’t have it all.
Good excuses don’t always require much detail. If you say that you have a lot on right now but can’t discuss, that will be sufficient. Alternatively, you can pull a Code Red and say the word ‘menstruation’. Anything to do with the nether regions pretty much gets you out of everything.
If you are deeply committed to the cause, make all the right noises building up to the event, then bail once the event is underway. By then, people will either not see your text in time, or be too distracted getting ready to care. If you are feeling brazen, let the number ring a couple of times to show a missed call.
OPTION 02
OPTION 04
Just say no thanks without an explanation.
Have a personal policy and stick to it.
Declining to do something and offering nothing in the way of explanation is a surprisingly effective option. People will be curious, but a closed ended statement means they won’t ask. They’ll also secretly admire your nonchalant attitude.
Another way of saying no in a business-like way is to say that you don’t do those types of specific events as a rule. Whether it’s you don’t go out on a weekday, or you don’t do pub quizzes, having a personal policy takes the emotion out of it. Rules are rules.
Minutia
etiquette
Minutia
13
14
observations
THE AGE OF AMAZING ADJECTIVES When it comes to using adjectives, we have got a little too positive haven’t we? Time to dial it down... These days, we don’t half like to be seen putting a positive spin on things. Not content with making our day-to-day life appear more glamorous on social media than it really is, we are now sprinkling our sentences with glittery adjectives. Not only have we swapped out ‘nice’, ‘pleasant’ and ‘good’ in exchange for ‘beautiful’, ‘sublime’ and ‘fabulous’, there’s now a plethora of trendy words doing the rounds that don’t really mean what we want them to mean. There is nothing that ages a person more than someone using words such as ‘unreal’, ‘insane’, or – a current favourite - ‘sick’, which for someone over forty years of age certainly doesn’t mean ill. This is a cause for concern. Unfortunately, when we get lazy with our describing words, we fail to truly express how things are, which doesn’t serve us well in the long run. Added to which, not adequately describing our own life experience in preference for the bloody wonderful also makes our bar for genuine happiness feel ever more out of reach. Annoyingly, it also means that when something utterly amazing does happen, we have already wasted the adjective describing a fair-to-middling thing, so are forced to downgrade to ‘nice’ - the equivalent of a smiley emoji. So, let us never forget what’s at stake when we resort to describing everything as ‘amazing’. There are a million describing words out there to choose from - lovely, fabulous, beautiful and sublime adjectives. Let’s start using them a bit more. Sick.
Minutia
observations
Minutia
WHATSUP WITH WHATSAPP? All this communicating to an audience with keyboard letters and emojis has taken its toll. We need to talk about WhatsApp One misguided text with not enough kisses can create a radio silence effect washed down by a tidal wave of paranoia. Welcome to WhatsApp, the app where it’s not the content that is important but the politics around it. Cartoon Monsters On WhatsApp, we imagine friends in their worst light. Thanks to the negativity bias, we choose to form our own weighty conclusions based on a single solitary sentence. Entire days can be spent cursing someone not replying. Days! Hotel California There is nothing worse than fake intimacy with someone you could not pick out in a crowd. And yet here we are, a captive audience to a load of third parties replying to
all. Should you attempt to be part of a discussion with this size of chat, you are in for a world of pain. Worse still, you can’t even discreetly leave the group as everyone gets a notification you’ve exited stage right. The Deep & Meaningful Some people prefer to type down their stream of consciousness instead of speaking. That would be okay, but for the fact it continually makes you feel guilty for not matching their 2,000 characters. If this is the future of socialising, then we will never quite cut it unless we are hunched over our mobiles coming up with great prose.
The New ‘Friend’ In sharp contrast to friends of old, WhatsApp creates a new brand of fake intimacy in the form of the person you barely know, but because of all the chat exchanged, you consider them a close friend. If it was only that easy to make a true friend based on them having a pulse and a mobile. Thick Skin Without endless connectivity, we used to develop wisdom and a thick skin. Now we cannot so much as boil an egg without having a committee about it. We also get upset if someone doesn’t respond to our message in a timely fashion. And even if we do get a response, there are too many variables in responses and conclusions. Not surprisingly, with so much coming at us nothing much soothes us at all.
The Unexpected Joy And then, just as we completely despair, we find the sweet spot. We reconnect with an old close friend that lives on the other side of the world, or we find a way of staying in touch with an old work colleague without the pressure to meet up in person. We have a lovely exchange that didn’t require us craning our necks for 45 minutes at a time. Friendship maintained. This is when WhatsApp comes into its own, as it is perfectly placed to allow us to pick up where we left off. By being able to put friendship and connection on a different, more informal footing, it increases the chances of longevity. So, let’s celebrate the perks of Whats App. Just keep those bloody group chats to a minimum.
TAKE NO CRAP FROM WHATSAPP 1. No post-mortems after a comment 2. Leave recorded messages to save time 3. Don’t feel guilty for leaving the group 4. Do not create groups for small gatherings 5. Use emojis if you can’t be arsed to reply 6.Archive group chats about an old event 7. Avoid using it when you have PMT 8. If it makes you too paranoid, text instead
15
16
features
HOW TO BE A TINY BIT LESS TERRIBLE There’s a fine line between being decent enough to be considered nice, but not too much to be boring
Nice people are just that, nice. They don’t talk badly about other people and have the ability to be included in a bitching session without joining in themselves. They get invited to lots of things by lots of different friends - including the controversial ones who are positively ecstatic to discover they don’t meet any resistance. Nice people offer to help someone automatically without a second thought. They ask people for dinner regardless of whether it is their turn, and bring something to yours. They even get away with being obstinate and angry, as they genuinely have your best interests at heart. It’s not surprising we want to be thought of as nice. Too Nice But do we? The truth is that nice can also be a little dull too. Having a personality that blends with everyone imaginable means that people don’t ultimately thank you. Behind your back they might roll their eyes. Doing everything right and nothing wrong simply makes other people feel properly flawed. Worse still, while nice people’s safe exchanges are perfectly reasonable, at some point the suppression of one’s natural inclination and bias in preference for a script can leave someone feel a little part of their soul has withered away. It would seem being nice takes its toll both on the person being nice and the person witnessing the ‘nice-ness’. Play Nice If we haven’t got the inclination to reinvent ourselves into better people, perhaps we should content ourselves with the fact that being nice doesn’t have to be felt inside. Nice can work if you are not emotionally invested enough to give your true opinion, and are more than happy to agree with whatever is being said around you. The sooner we think of nice, not as an internal attribute but a public persona we present to the world, the genuinely nicer we will be. Be Nice 1. Send thank you letters for anything - and we mean anything 2. Tell a stranger that they’ve got a bit of egg mayo in the corner of their mouth 3. Invite someone in for a coffee even if you can’t be bothered to do small talk 4. Let someone go in front of you in the supermarket queue if they only have a few items 5. Permit a family member to watch their favourite telly programme even if you hate it 6. Ask how someone’s cat is even though you’re not an animal person
Minutia
features
Minutia
IN NEITHER
CAMP
It seems that there are two categories of human: the one that likes lying in a sleeping bag outside and the one that would prefer a hotel I’ll just come out with it. I don’t like camping. It’s not that I’ve not tried it, I have - accruing three weeks in the USA and probably the equivalent time in Australia in my early twenties. Unfortunately, that’s half the problem. Those early formative experiences put me off for life. It wasn’t luxury camping back then. There were no yurts or bell tents or private holes in the ground. It was arduous, smelly, intimate and unpleasantly damp. I also remember the shower blocks where you would thank your lucky stars you remembered your flip flops. And don’t get me started on those organised tours where I’d race to get the best spot, only to find the tent threatening to blow down the mountain. And those times where I shared a tent with equally smelly backpackers, writing about their ‘journeys’, with that dog-eared copy of The Alchemist underneath the leak in the canvas. Now I’ve reached the age where I could probably afford to upgrade the actual tent,
I struggle with the overall experience. This idea of just ‘hanging out’ at the camping site just doesn’t thrill me. There’s no structure to the day and far too much time sitting in low down chairs whiling away an eternally long afternoon. In short, I find camping is relentless. The trouble is that despite my own feelings about camping, sleeping in a tent is officially ‘a thing’. In fact, a large proportion of friends are now all about planning their weekends in the Great Outdoors. Don’t join in and you will lose out, they say. And I do. I’ve also noticed that there are two distinct camping types: those that take it seriously
and bang on about learning bush skills that will never be used in suburbia. They take books and bikes they never unpack, and regularly talk of ‘forest school’ whenever their child so much as brings a twig back to show them. They also happen to arrive with a super-duper spring up tent that has an inbuilt cappuccino machine and a pizza oven. Then there’s the other type - not so at one with nature, more up for fun. However, both types do have one thing in common - they like kids being able to run feral while they sit in their camping chairs and drink lukewarm beer. This is when I do become animated. Perhaps this camping malarkey wouldn’t be so bad after all.
17
18
self
TALE OF FAIL Accepting failure with good grace says more about us than achieving our life’s ambitions ever did
When it comes to our life’s ambitions, no one ever talks about ‘almost but not quite’ do they? The people for whom, things didn’t quite work out. Instead, we are bombarded with success stories, along with lots of advice on how to never ever give up. Ever! Go Big or Go Home We grow up with this idea that our main purpose in life is to achieve our end goals - and to a certain extent it is. However, this ignores the fact that we are always evolving as people. Unpack ambitions and often, they’ll be based on either whatever insecurities we have going on at the time, or society’s current definition of success. Changing Aspirations Added to which, those ambitions we had in our twenties soon become something else entirely in our thirties – a wish to believe that all the missed opportunities and random detours led us to this point. We so want everything to be part of some overall narrative, we overlook the fact that when we fail, there isn’t always anything to learn from - it just didn’t go to plan. That it comes under the definition of a fuck-up is something we just must learn to live with, whether we want to or not.
Minutia
Only when we properly accept the failures can we move on to better things. It actually says more about us as people than achieving these so-called life goals. It is hardly surprising that stories of failing are better dinner party anecdotes than amazing achievements.
Own the Story The acclaimed screenwriter Nora Ephron once said; ‘When you slip on a banana peel, people laugh at you. But when you tell people you slipped on a banana peel, it’s your laugh. So you become the hero rather than the victim of the joke.’ The same goes for failure. Perhaps by fully embracing our own disaster story, we didn’t fuck-up after all. Rest assured; everyone loves stories of big dreams turning to shit. How to Fail Well 1. Own it - nothing worse than denial, or offering a long-winded explanation. Let it go 2. Learn the lesson - or at least make it your new ambition to find ways to feel better about it 3. One person’s fuck up is another’s achievement when it comes to standards, it’s all relative 4. Summarise your fuck-up in two sentences or less, finished with a closed statement 5. If you don’t want to discuss it then that’s okay 6. Don’t let the fuck up detract from the initial joy you felt about the endeavour 6. Failure frees you up to find a new ambition - and no, it might not work out
‘Rest assured; everyone loves stories of big dreams turning to shit.’
self
Minutia
19
20
observations
RETAIL HABITS
1
BUY 1 FOR THE PRICE OF 2
We get so tired of these deals that aren’t really deals - you know, the free magazine you receive with your online shop that just contains advertorial plugging their products, or the ‘recommend a friend’ email that promises your friend 20% off their first shop but nothing for you. And then there’s the ten pound voucher that won’t let you use the coupon code on a sale item. This begs the question: when did a deal stop being a deal?
Minutia
observations
2
REWARD CARDS THAT DON’T SEEM TO BENEFIT US
Minutia
Once the shop assistant enquires if we have a reward card, it is downhill all the way. So impossible is it to say no, we don’t and automatically give this longwinded response. This is then met with variations of the ‘validate your receipt’ script and us nodding in insincere thanks, having heard it the last time. And, God forbid we do own a card, we hand it over, only to wonder why these zillions of points never actually amount to anything resembling genuine benefits.
21
22
3
TRYING TO LOOK POSH
When we can’t buy cheap brands anymore as people know they’re cheap, we have a bit of a challenge on our hands. One way round this is to ensure that for every six cheap presents, we throw a curveball and buy an expensive one. Either that or we can take the quantity over quality one step further and bombard the person with cheap presents so that the recipient looks at the whole present and not the shitty components.
Minutia
observations
Minutia
observations
4
QUIETLY GETTING SHOT OF SHIT
We can be pretty self-serving. Even if we appear to be generous on the surface, we give away bags of clothes and bric-a-brac without wanting anything for it because we’re just keen - no, make that desperate - to be getting shot of this shit. Sure, we make out we are doing a good turn by saying things like, “It’s brand new - they only wore it seven times”, but who are we kidding? We are just sighing in relief that some poor sucker doesn’t mind us palming off our crap on to them.
23
24
people
BUSY BEE It’s a fact: busy people are just more important than you: Time to get over it We are not a nation that talks about salaries, are we? It is not seen as the done thing. Instead, we have to find subtle ways of letting people know how important we are. One popular way that has been readily adopted by the general public at large is to equate our own worth according to how busy we are. The message is clear: if you are not as busy, you are just not as important. SAME BEHAVIOUR, DIFFERENT EXCUSES If you are so bold as to arrange to meet a busy person, be prepared to experience the same sort of behaviour every single time. Remember that they are too busy to make unnecessary changes, especially if they’re not meeting much resistance. A typical busy person response goes something like this: you will be told they will get back to you as their lives are ‘super crazy’ right now. They will then offer you a couple of dates in a month’s time - take it or leave it. In the hours leading up to the meet you’ll get a ‘will I won’t I turn up?’ narrative. You’ll either be blown out, or spend the entire time with them feeling ridiculously grateful that they graced you with their presence.
Minutia
WAYS TO RESPOND TO BUSY PEOPLE 1. Tell them you are super busy and you’ll get back to them - out-busy them 2. Give them a date in 52 days’ time at 17 minutes past the hour 3. Confuse them - when they ask you what you’re up to, just shrug and say ‘fuck all actually, you?’ 4. Tell them about a social occasion they weren’t invited to as you presumed they’d be busy
5. Message them directly on social media strangely, they always make time for that. 6. Cut your date short and say you are trying to fit in seven friends tonight 7. Cancel on them minutes before you are due to meet 8. Be vague and say you might come, you might not, depending on how you feel 9. Say you have a call waiting and that you need to go as it might be someone important. Two can play that game
people
Minutia
N OTHIN G
P ERS O N AL It turns out that there are some unexpected benefits to someone not wanting to be friends
A phenomenon specific to mid-adulthood is the ‘dry friend’ - a person in our daily life who lets us know that they have all the friends they need thank you very much, so don’t even think about suggesting a coffee. The truth is that these people probably existed when we were kids, but we were either too naive or thick-skinned to notice. We just presumed that one can never have too many friends. Well apparently, for some people, you can. It doesn’t matter if on paper you have things in common and seem to have a genuine rapport, for reasons you’ll never figure out, these people are just not interested in furthering the connection. No matter how often you see them, they will begin every exchange afresh like ‘Groundhog Day’. It’s as though they are simultaneously trying to know and unknow you - a bit of a headfuck if ever there was.
your soul, this behaviour isn’t as depressing as it sounds. Just think, if there is no effort on their part, that’s one less person you have to make small talk with. And nor do you need to do the paranoid post-mortem either as quite frankly, they couldn’t care less. There is also something rather comforting in their consistent aloofness as you come to know what to expect. And yet, if you happened to be on fire when they walked past, they’d still feel obliged to put you out - albeit rather reluctantly.
However, before you start reaching out for your hankies and searching deep within
So, let’s celebrate our ‘dry friends’ - just not with them, as they’re really not interested.
25
26
profound quote
‘When people chummy with to call them b name to let th that I don’t re about them.’
Ron
Minutia
Minutia
get too me, I like by the wrong hem know eally care
n Swanson ‘Parks & Recreation’ (NBC, 2009 - 2015)
27
28
self
SEEING RED The most ordinary of circumstances can produce all kinds of irritation. Here are some typical scenarios in our day that regularly piss us off
1
1
WALKING RAGE
MUSIC RAGE
There you are, having a leisurely stroll, when out of nowhere, someone speeds up behind you. You promptly increase your pace, only to find they continue to chase after you. Psychologists attribute such aggressive walking behaviour to our own emotional states. People are so focused on how long it takes to get to their end point, they don’t take well to finding their path blocked. “The more we are on autopilot mode,” says Marc Wittmann of the Institute for Frontier Areas of Psychology and Mental Health, “the less we can accept a sudden slowed pace”.
Given that musical preference is largely subjective, there is nothing worse than having someone smirk when you say what music you like. The fact that you happen to love the song that was number one in the charts for 16 weeks shouldn’t matter but to some it does. “Musical tastes are still used by many as a judgement of an entire person,” says journalist Tariq Moosa. But while we are all capable of enjoying more music in new ways, he adds that “we just don’t have to”. So what if your tastes don’t match theirs? You just turn up the volume.
3 T & C’s RAGE Fraught with issues and challenges, the simple act of form filling can be such an annoying experience that it can put you off wanting to be a grown-up. It’s not just the stress of dusting off that handwriting and finding that black biro to fill out pages and pages of the same personal data, a poorly thought-out web form has the added risk of being error prone, resulting in having to go through the ordeal twice over. Sometimes, there’s no escape from administrative stress.
Minutia
Minutia
self 5 WAITING RAGE
4 SELECTIVE FOOD RAGE When it comes to food, no amount of manners changes the fact that it’s become very popular to play the food intolerance card to mask fussiness. “If you have a real food allergy that’s been diagnosed by a real doctor, you have my sympathy and my kitchens will do everything they can to accommodate you,” says one anonymous restaurant owner. “If you’re a fussy middle-class person who thinks they have a fashionable allergy, based on something you read on Goop, I’m a lot less interested.”
While a poll commissioned by TV Shopping channel QVC reports that 47% of Brits have suffered “queue rage”, we can presume that much of this has got nothing to do with the service being provided and everything to do with the person in front us not considering other people waiting. There is frankly nothing worse than politely letting someone go in front of you, only for them to proceed to take their sweet time. As for the right response, perhaps it’s best to resort to some clearing the airwaves. Loudly.
6 RETURNS RAGE The drawback of online shopping is that you just want to order something without the rigmarole that is sending it back. From queuing with the return, to waiting for the credit into your account, it’s time we appreciated the role of high street shops in sparing us this type of drawn-out anger.
7 SOCIAL MEDIA RAGE Social media types that cope with the same demands as everyone else by acting like they are starring in their very own movie can prompt dark thoughts. According to Utpal Dholakia Ph.D. and author of ‘The Science Behind the Behaviour’, when it comes to improving the happiness of those around us, there is a big difference between sharing positive, useful knowledge and boasting. “It is when the sharing is done not to share happiness, but mainly to arouse jealousy, envy, or other negative emotions and doesn’t have any useful, informative purpose for the audience that it becomes dysfunctional,” says Hanna Krasnova of Humboldt University. She adds: “Self-promotion triggers more self-promotion, and the world on social media gets further and further from reality.”
29
30
people
‘D
Minutia
Did you ever consider that you might not be their favourite person either?’
people
Minutia
GETTING ON OUR NERVES Finding someone annoying is not the problem, it’s the effort it takes trying to like them. So why not just give up and embrace your dislike?
It is practically impossible to go through life without being annoyed by someone. ‘Annoying’ is a nice vague term that covers everyone from the mildly irritating to the completely unbearable. Unless you are one of those rare individuals who finds everyone lovely - which is itself extremely annoying – such is the scope carried by that one word, on any given day someone will be winding us up. A Matter of Taste According to a study by Noah Eisenkraft and Hillary Anger Elfenbein that looks into how individuals consistently influence the way other people feel, this ability of some people to completely annoy everyone for no apparent reason is now a recognised scientific concept called “affective presence”. However, rather annoyingly, being annoyed by someone often comes down to personal
preference. It might be that they’ve done something specific, or that they trigger something in you for the smallest of reasons. Occasionally, they will unknowingly find themselves at the receiving end of all your grudges as though you’ve saved up your accumulative irritation just for them. Ultimately, just because you find someone annoying does not mean they are. Finding a Cure The trouble is that even if we acknowledge our own accountability, we still insist on trying to solve how we feel. However, did we ever consider that the effort it takes trying to suppress annoyance is more of a problem than just embracing the feeling? What say we accept annoying people as an inevitable part of an interesting life. After all, our ‘affective presence’ might annoy the fuck out of someone else too.
31
32
features
INSPIRATION, COUCH POTATO STYLE Make-overs, do-overs – declutter-overs Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy - TV has us getting ahead of ourselves Artistic shows are not much better either. If you ever find yourself colour coding your entire bookshelf for the simple reason you have seen it on a show, do not pretend it was a meaningful exercise. For unlike painting a wall a nice colour, this sort of task reminds you that firstly, you clearly have too much free time; secondly, your tastes have changed; and thirdly, there will always be that annoying multicoloured category, which sort of ruins the whole look. Binning All Worldly Possessions It is official: being inspired by TV to tackle your home is addictive, but it’s also stressful. We may be temporarily obsessed with the way Marie Kondo folds clothes and swear we will adopt all her minimalist habits. Admittedly, most of us regret that in attempting to free up our chi, we threw out the entire ‘might wear this one day’ category that we just liked knowing was there.
Minutia
We sit there with a sketch pad because we saw some fashion designers on telly doing the same, only to find that our attempts at drawing look like bad stick people. Meanwhile, we channel our own disappointment with our efforts by openly criticising the experts, all the while quietly thinking we could probably do a better job - if we just had a bit more time to practise, that is. Eye Candy As for cooking shows, it’s not so much that we are driven to cook: we want to create the big fancy TV larder, complete with fairy lights, clean plastic Tupperware, and endless Kilner jars of loveliness carefully labelled with expiry dates written in Sharpie permanent markers. Like being mature enough to own a wine rack with actual wine on it, we fantasise about having a permanent store of sophisticated pickled edibles. Alas, tucking into the goods seconds after sterilising the jar is not quite the same thing. We need stock that sticks.
Making Space Property shows have us debating the merits of a nook under the stairs, but they also prompt us to look up house prices and seriously contemplate restoring that manky wooden floor. And even if we cannot be bothered to improve interiors, we happily make do with watching pushy estate agents sell massive mansions we will never ever own. Before we know it, we are seriously contemplating how our tatty sofa might look next to that underground cigar room. Short Attention Span While all these TV shows are entertaining and aspirational, where it goes wrong for us is that the end of the show marks the end of the crush. However, one consolation is that while we soon go back to not folding our socks properly, some changes remain. Why you ask? Err...we can’t be bothered to change it all back to how it was. When will we ever bother to de-colour code a bookshelf again, un-grow a living wall, or fill in that raku kiln under the ground? Never, that’s when.
self
Minutia
BE A PAIN & COMPLAIN If publicly shaming someone on social media is troll behaviour, how do we complain with class? Direct feedback of course!
The Phone This is for anyone whose anger outweighs any trepidation about telling a complete stranger off. Do remember, it is still okay to do pleasantries before launching into one. Letter Old fashioned, but it does allow you to consider your argument, and adds a touch of formality to the proceedings. Email The complaint is more likely to end up in the right hands. Also allows you time to sit on it. Alternatively, you could just lose your shit and fire an email off then and there, although there is a risk of possible regret.
In Person Ideally should be done at the time, as adrenalin might wear off, leaving you less likely to tell someone to their face that they are an incompetent fuck-wit.
Text A time-consuming communication tool, text can make you feel a little silly signing off in a formal way. Over WhatsApp, there is also risk of increased stress when you see that the text has been read but not responded to [see article on WhatsApp). Bitching Indirectly moaning about your experience to all and sundry will spread the word for sure. Alternatively, you could give them a very brief window to sort it out and raise their game. It’s unlikely they will be able to reinvent the wheel but you never know.
THE GOLDEN RULES OF COMPLAINING 1. Complain to the relevant person 2. Complain without any existing bias 3. Be neutral in tone - no accusatory statements or rude comments 4. Never mind the facts, how you feel is more likely to illicit empathy 5. Given the customer service to date, don’t expect a satisfactory reply 6. Control the narrative and close down the argument as soon as possible 7. Don’t be obsessed with going back and forth to have the last word 8. Don’t re-tell the tale word for word, as it makes for a very dull anecdote 9. Always try to do a ‘complaint sandwich’ - stick a negative between two positives 10. Having complained, shut up and move on!
33
34
profound quote
‘Whenever I’m something, I t an idiot do tha
Minutia
Minutia
m about to do think “Would at?”’ Dwight Schrute ‘The Office’ (NBC, 2005 - 2013)
35
36
self
BIG RISK
Taking a chance is now carefully weighed up. How dull. Here’s to scheduling in some wild abandon Going outside of our comfort zone has become a conscious choice. That sweet spot we used to find when the risk paid off, doesn’t exist in the same way. Thanks to all the online knowledge and social media profiles of people who have been there before, we know exactly what to expect. It used to be that taking a chance was not optional. There was no online knowledge or Instagram profiles at our fingertips. We just had to go blindly ahead and hope for the best. And yet because we were so used to the unexpected, we were well prepared to handle the variety of outcomes. The chances are that we had been there before. Par for the Course Whether it was turning up at the station without knowing the train times, meeting a friend based on a vague set of instructions,
Minutia
or sending photos off to the lab to be processed, risk reared its head throughout our day. There were never any guarantees that it was going to turn out okay. One Hit Wonder We would spend all our pocket money on an album, only to discover that there was only one good song on it. Despite this, we would chalk the bad purchase down to experience and start saving for the next one. Our willingness to accept disappointment meant there was always the possibility and the probability of something great around the corner. These days, we can listen to an album before we purchase. In fact, we have so much information at our fingertips about all manner of things, it is actually quite difficult to go into something completely unprepared.
Jump Right In However, because there is less risk involved there is less joy too. That elusive bliss that comes when something pays off is only ever properly felt when it’s hard fought. It’s like going on holiday and happening upon a wonderful restaurant by chance with no Trip Advisor reviews in our consciousness. It doesn’t always pay to be too prepared. It seems that the only way forward in this risk-averse age is to be as spontaneous as possible. This means taking chances without spending too much time weighing it all up beforehand. What say we buy an album based on one song? We might well end up cursing for having read this article, but at least we embraced the unexpected. Imagine if that album was the best album of all time. That’s definitely worth the risk.
self
Minutia
37
38
Minutia
observations
observations
Minutia
PRINTED WISDOM We’ve become so open to wise words plastered, pasted, magnetised, stuck and dangled all around us. Whether or not they have any effect is neither here nor there A good quote used to be just that - a fleeting bit of wisdom that you would try and remember, knowing full well that you probably wouldn’t. It didn’t matter though did it, because for that split second those wise words would properly resonate, you’d experience magic. Modern society didn’t leave it there though. Selfhelp got very trendy. We decided to try and hang onto other people’s wisdom in the hope that it would rub off on us. Worse still, we started forwarding quotes around social media as though it was coming from ourselves. Such is the industry devoted to positive affirmations, we have quotes jammed over everyday objects – signs, mugs, fridge magnets and notebooks, you name it. Fridge magnets are the worst kind of quote as their titchy format dictates the level of wisdom and the amount of wisdom being imparted, the preference being eight words. Eight words that are read 25 times a day. Familiarity Positive affirmations on signs just don’t always work. Years of living around inspirational quotes has resulted in being impervious to the advice. No matter how much we read them, the true meaning doesn’t sink in. We don’t start each day being as
Minutia
thankful as we should, and we sure as hell don’t treat success and disaster just the same. With all this wisdom around us, we’ve become a little over exposed. Preaching What’s interesting is that if you break some of these quotes down, they are impossible to live by. The sentimentality and aspirational tone in these brief statements is at odds with the general grind of the everyday. Reading that a life without love is no life at all while you are scraping dog shit from your shoe feels a bit irrelevant. We clap eyes on that mass produced quote that tells us to ‘excuse the mess as it’s just children making memories’, and we feel a little bit of bile come up in our throats. The truth is that all these quotes serve to do is make us feel bad for not living up to what is being said. The message is clear: you are not living life the way you should be. Clutter And then there’s the classic rookie error of impulsively buying a framed quote, only to wonder where the hell to hang it. It’s not great to have profound wisdom front and centre for fear of looking like a paid-up member of a cult. Nor do you want yet another quote in the downstairs loo as what with the zillion other ones hanging there, people do not emerge from there for hours. No wonder we buy tote bags with writing on them. Portable wisdom is the way to go.
makes no sense or says anything much at all. People just find any old quote, paste it onto some generic background and circulate it to the masses. Quotes by Gandhi soon get replaced by quotes by Sheila at number 2 and no one noticed the difference. There’s a reason why some of these quotes shouldn’t make a mug: they are truly crap. And yet they’re still liked by everyone and forwarded by everyone, as though it’s a thing to do. So caught up are we in the theatre of publicising the quote, the actual meaning of them is lost. Bespoke Approach Inspirational quotes only work if we quietly stumble upon them while doing something else. Cookie-cutter quotes hold little power. We need to find something that resonates with us and take it in, even if it doesn’t fit into what a perfect quote should be. One sentence or ten, we should refer to it privately and suppress the urge to have it on a wooden sign above the mantlepiece. Let the internet be cluttered with crappy quotes and not your lovely house.
Say What In the online world, no one worries about the production cost of a badly worded quote that
39
40
etiquette
SORRY NOT SORRY
Genuine apologies are so yesterday. These days, we’re all about the half-arsed sorry ‘I’m sorry you took offence’ Designed to put the problem firmly at your feet, hinting that you are oversensitive and possibly hysterical. ‘I’m sorry okay?’ Implies growing impatience that there won’t be too many more of these coming your way. ‘Sorry’ Use of word to fill the silence – it’s the equivalent of ‘excuse me’. Often used as a pre-fix before saying absolutely anything. ‘Sorry, thank you very much’ Said when the other person should be the one moving out of the way. ‘So terribly sorry’ Heavily sarcastic and means the opposite of what is being said. ‘Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry’ Said immediately after a mistake has been made and quickly, as though to immediately erase what has just happened. ‘Sorry not sorry’ Now used a great deal in popular culture.
Minutia
etiquette
Minutia
HOUSE PROUD Being house proud doesn’t always mean doing a deep clean every day. Looking like you have standards just comes down to making small gestures
Fake Toil Products go a long way to give the impression of being house proud. Why not fill the toilets up to the brim with bleach until the house smells like a swimming pool? An unmistakably unpleasant smell, it sends a clear message to visitors that this is a germ-free zone. Spraying a load of polish over any woodwork also has the same effect, and makes it look like you’ve been polishing for days. Pretend Standards Should you have the older generation visiting, you could strategically place a hoover
right in the middle of the entrance to the room. They might trip up on it and need a hip replacement, but the message is clear: you were sucking up dirt. Appearances matter, so why not leave a bottle of cleaner complete with damp J cloth on a work surface while you’re at it? Or you could be seen to break down the recycling by having lots of clearly named boxes on display. Small Gestures Sometimes, it’s about appearing to give a toss by immediately putting any flowers received into a vase, and protecting surfaces from a hot drink. Older people love vases but they go mad for coasters.
Life Admin In terms of looking like you have a system in place, there is no greater prop than a letter rack on display. Combine this with lots of random sticky notes stuck onto a hanging weekly diary and you appear to be organised - and by proxy, clean. Hide the Clutter You can also seem like you have your shit together by hiding all the crap to create an empty shelf or one clear surface. Do Nothing But say you have run out of time and still want to appear clean and tidy. Ask people to take their shoes off. They’ll automatically presume you run a tight ship. Hooray!
41
42
Podcasting has never been so popular. However, such are the potential opportunities and commercial rewards, anybody - and we mean anybody - thinks they can have a go Just as with TV presenting in the eighties, Podcasting makes you have thoughts like, “what a lovely job to have”, closely followed by “how hard can it be?” and “I think I may have a radio voice”. Not surprisingly, there are now hundreds of podcasts on all manner of subjects. It’s a crowded marketplace. If we are to enjoy audio content that enhance our lives and does not cost us anything but our attention, we should cultivate discerning tastes. Our time is a precious resource. Let’s not waste it listening to crap. With podcasts, we not only get to carefully choose the content we are exposed to, we can listen to them alongside whatever we happen to be doing. Frankly, there is nothing better than being so engrossed listening to a show that we don’t notice we are cleaning up shit. Another perk is that podcasts can make us knowledgeable on a wide array of subjects. Okay, so you can’t remember who what when and where, but half an interesting anecdote said with hesitant authority is better than nothing at all. Given that the podcast audience is an unforgiving bunch who get easily bored and rarely give second chances, podcasts have to work twice as hard to hold our stupidly short attention. Being able to succeed in winning people over is no mean feat.
Minutia
features
PODCASTS THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE BIT TOO LONG PODCASTS - THE DOS AND DON’TS 01. The Love-In Celebs fawning over each other in mutual adoration is a terrible thing to listen to. Get a room 02. The Unfortunate Radio Voice Enthusiasm cannot make up for a bad speaking voice that distracts from the content. Shallow yes, but true 03. Too Many ‘Errs’ and ‘Umms’ Poor production and editing will not create effortless, tight conversation 04. The Stream of Consciousness No proper structure results in a host who rather likes the sound of their own voice 05. Not Enough Hosts You need more than one person for good banter 06. Too Many Hosts Hosts interrupting each other is irritating 07. Regular Movements Podcasts always need to drop on schedule - a bit like shops that open on time every single day 08. Well Researched Hosts need to ask good questions but leave a bit of wiggle room for spontaneity
09. On Brief There is no need to veer off brand and do special episodes about unrelated things. Stay on topic 10. Good Advertising Sounding genuine when promoting products matters - even if the hosts are promoting incontinence pads 11. The Sweet Spot A well-timed podcast is neither too short nor too long 12. Illusion of Authority As a largely unmoderated platform, it’s worth bearing in mind the existence of questionable views and disinformation
“the podcast audience is an unforgiving bunch who get easily bored and rarely give second chances...”
people
Minutia
RESIDENT
EXPERTS
If we ever needed a reminder that we need to have control, it’s when we decide to become gurus in the very thing we are struggling with It might be that we are feeling lost and decide to become a life coach as we have spent a disproportionate amount of time reading up about wellbeing and navel gazing. It could also be that we decide to advise others on parenting as we can’t quite bring ourselves to tell our children off and they are going a bit feral. Then there’s that moment we decide to become a personal trainer as we’ve been trying to lose weight and it takes up so much time. All the while there lies the question, why are we doing this when we have so much to learn? It is easy to see how this specialism comes about. We’re so obsessed with the subject matter at large, we absorb as much knowledge as we can in trying to get to grips with it. We then get distracted from solving the problem as we start viewing ourselves as being in a position to advise others. Never mind that the original problem is still there, we hang our hopes and ambitions on the experience trying to manage it, so that the struggle has not all been in vain. If we become experts then we can say that the struggle led us to this point and had absolutely nothing to do with being human.
43
44
etiquette
RUDE WORDS Swearing doesn’t make you frivolous or a yob. You just have to save your swear words for when it really counts to have the desired effect Want to resist always being seen as the good girl? Whip out a fucking swear word and you change all of that. Although it’s historically always been taboo behaviour, swearing is in fact a key communication tool that can be as intelligent and powerful as it is socially and emotionally essential. It is not only used to threaten, warn and express anger, but if used for careful effect, to bond and to amuse. While it is emotive enough to prompt some people to want to tune it out, swearing is more of a useful response than we realise. As age creeps up on us and our values change, we continually reinvent our swearing, swapping out our ‘Jesus Christs’ for our ‘fucks’ and ‘shits’. We want our choice of swear words to give us a sufficiently strong punch and that means searching out the unsayable. The only danger with swearing is that there can be such a thing as too much. You don’t want over-use of your favourite swear words to become too mild and ineffectual that it doesn’t make the desired impact.
Minutia
Fuck that! As Emma Byrne says in her book ‘Swearing is good for you - the amazing science of bad language’, “Swearing is like mustard, a great ingredient but a lousy meal,” she says. “We need that part of our language to keep its potency, its slightly risky nature, otherwise it wouldn’t be swearing.” According to Emma, swearing deserves to
be defended for the sheer fact that it allows freedom of expression and because it is beneficial to us as individuals. “I’m not necessarily encouraging people to swear more, but I do hope you might give it the respect it fucking deserves.” So, the next time we have the urge to say the ‘F’ word, fuck it.
etiquette
YOU HAD
TO BE
THERE
Whether we fib, exaggerate, or tell the truth, we owe it to others and to ourselves to tell better stories
Halfway through a story, we sometimes have this crushing realisation that we are not entirely sure where we are going with this. The disappointment we feel is real as we started out with high hopes. If we near the end of the boring tale that sounded better in our heads than it did out loud, instead of panicking and surrendering to our story ending on a whimper, we must consider the second option - slightly exaggerating. Surely, it’s a public service to make sure people come away entertained, having given up their precious time to listen to you. That doesn’t mean we should lie precisely, but we should exaggerate a little – add a bit of embellishment to take it to the next level. It’s like adding salt to a soup to bring out its flavour. So much of our day-to-day dealings with other people are a series of exchanges.
Minutia
If we want good ones, we need to do what it takes to achieve the end goal, to make it worthwhile for everyone involved. If we were a writer on a TV series, within each twenty minute episode, we’d make sure the narrative reached a satisfying conclusion. In the world of social interaction, it’s no different. People aren’t going to come back for more if we didn’t entertain them the first time. The only time a boring anecdote is sufficient is when you are on the meter and making small talk. Who cares if you don’t tie up your exchange in a perfect bow and you let the conversation peter out. So, let’s start off every conversation with the sole aim of saying the sentence, ‘and they lived happily ever after, the end.’ We owe it to all those people politely listening with glazed expressions.
45
46
profound quote
‘“Sometimes I sentence and know where it just hope I fin way.” Michael Scott ‘The Office’ (NBC, 2005 - 2013)
Minutia
Minutia
I’ll start a I don’t even t’s going. I nd it along the
47
48
very important advice column
Dear Ms Find Why not get advice from Ms Find, our resident agony aunt? Unimportant problems only people.
Minutia
DILEMMA 1
DILEMMA 2
I fear I am the centre of the universe
Sticking my nose into a celeb’s biz
Dear Ms Find,
Dear Ms Find,
Unfortunately, there seems to be no real way to avoid missing out socially. Every time I say yes to something, I have this niggling feeling I could have enjoyed myself more somewhere else. How can I relax and be happy with my decision? Yours, Grass is Greener
I’m embarrassed to say that I have an opinion about the woman who’s been shagging this well-known TV presenter who has just split up from his wife. She’s broken the girl code and I feel I must do something. Is this a normal reaction? Yours, Showbiz Fan
ANSWER
ANSWER
I’m afraid it’s quite the opposite
You need to get out more often
Dear Grass is Greener, I think it’s probably safe to assume that you are that person who looks over someone’s shoulder to see if there is someone better to talk to. Given this attitude, there is definitely a party going on without you. I’d concentrate more on being grateful you have a social life and less on thinking you are the flipping bomb. Yours Truly, Ms Find
Dear Showbiz Fan, Seeing as you see showbiz gossip as truth, I’d take it one step further and drive to her house for an all-night stake-out, ready to jump out of the car to ask her outright what she’s playing at. Alternatively, you could presume 90% of what you read is actual bollocks and focus on creating excitement in your own life. Yours Truly, Ms Find
