Centre of Gravity... CANCELLED! Tabloid Issue
Volume 6, Issue 7
CENSOR ! S I TH
WOR ST Prom Dres ses
! P I L Haunting
S IP
N
MARRIAGE AT KSS?
at KSS!
3 4 5 6 7 8
In Our TABLOID!
Centre of Gravity Cancelled! Grad Kidnapping Gone too Far
Aliens Amoung Us Death by Homework Meet the Nerdiest Kid Alchemy in Foods Room Unicorns Among Us Nip Slip Worst Prom Dresses Cancer Week
9 10 11 12 13 14
Cancer Week
Student Body Revolt Facebook in School! Marriage at KSS! Dancing on the Ceiling Taking Mom to Grad? Miracle Weight Loss
15 16 17 18 19
Believe It or Not KSS is Haunted Chalk-Talk Dear Daisy Horoscopes
Believe It or Not
Last month Mr. Manderioli approached me and asked if I'd like to be editor of Censor This! The Tabloid issue. I was quite enthused to be a part of this edition as it has always been the more entertaining of newspapers. We see tabloids every day, those front page stories that claim Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are still in love, or how Kim Kardashian betrayed her ex-husband, and we read these with the sole purpose of being entertained. Well KSS, I invite you to be entertained. From wardrobe malfunctions to marriages at school, jumping to more serious topics such as Centre of Gravity being cancelled, Cancer week and KSS Dance Department year end show, this issue I am proud to call my own. We have packed this paper with stories that are bound to fill any person's boredom. If you enjoy looking at ugly prom dresses, seeing your teacher exposed, or reading our iconic Dear Daisy advice column, I recommend Censor This! This is my second year in Journalism and the first time as editor. I hope you find entertainment in our wacky stories and get a kick out of our imagination. Tune in next month for colored pictures of the graduating class of 2012! As this will be my last year working on the newspaper, I thought I would use a photo taken of me in 2010 for the Tabloid issue that stated I was Lady Gaga. A sort of reunion for me and the Tabloid issue. Enjoy!
Who We Are:
2 MAY 14, 2012
Editor: Katie Hollingsworth . The Crew: Marantha James, Mary Bunka, Lauren Boyd , Michael Roberts, Renee Berger, Kailee MacIssac, Emilie Berthiaume , Amina Egeh , David Orriss, Mr. Manderioli
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Centre of Gravity… CANCELLED!
by Katie Hollingsworth Recently, Kelowna city council announced that the popular summer event, Centre of Gravity, has been cancelled due to the increase of under-aged drinking in the Okanagan. During the ‘COG’ (Centre of Gravity) weekend, numerous events take place and most specifically, drinking. Constable Simmons of the Kelowna RCMP comments on recent events saying, “We try to keep under aged kids from the even every year, but still they come and bring their own alcohol. Unfortunately, there is an increase in drinking under the influence and recklessness during this weekend. The RCMP is fully supportive of this decision.” Kelowna City Council member, Mary Stewert, sends her sincere apologies, but also realistic opinions on the recent cancellation. “It has become a severe issue in the Okanagan with under-aged drinking and it has become a serious problem for our tourism. Vehicles are loaded with drunken teenagers and the drivers turn out to be novice stage licenses, accidents are more prominent, and our cultural attraction, City Park, is filled with belligerent drinkers tarnishing the city’s tourism rates.” In past years the city decided with hopeful entities, to cancel the summer event Wakefest, and it is evident the replacement will soon be an event of the past. While COG brings many new faces, it brings more economic damage to the City of Kelowna and the council will no longer stand for public intoxication in the landmark area of City Park. Those persons who have purchased tickets will be required to send them in with a valid receipt to Kelowna City Council c/o Mary Stewert labeled “Centre of Gravity Ticket Refund.”
Grad kidnapping gone too far
By Michael Roberts In an incident hot on the heels of an RCMP warning issued against displays of toy firearms, police seized six imitation firearms from KSS students at 10:30 PM on Monday, April 16th. Someone tipped off the police when the students exited a vehicle wearing masks. It goes without saying that there has been an increase in these incidents, and police are cracking down. Fortunately, no one was charged on account of the seizure, but police say “The lesson just isn’t sinking in.” One parent of the students described the event as a harmless prank, but the RCMP disagrees. According to KSS Principal Vianne Kintzinger “Grads should absolutely be allowed to celebrate their 13 years of education. However, events such as the kidnappings and bush parties, are not ones we organize, and therefore dangerous. Kids are representing not only themselves, but their schools as well. We support our grads enjoying their final months at KSS, but we don’t condone illegal activities. It’s why we have our dinner and dance, our Dry Grad, and our sleepover.” In February of this year, a similar incident occurred at a local Subway, where students of a visiting basketball team were apprehended on suspicion of holding firearms, which also turned out to be toys, bought at a nearby dollar store. This incident was far more serious, with police evacuating the Subway restaurant and barricading Gordon Drive. According to our criminal code, imitation firearms may be considered to be firearms if they are used in a criminal or negligent manner and could result in criminal charges. This latest incident may have been the end of the grad kidnapping tradition. School superintendent Hugh Gloster stated “Enough is enough. It’s time the tradition of ‘grad kidnappings’ came to an end.”
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MAY 14, 2012 3
Aliens Among Us by Lauren Boyd The classrooms of our school are hiding a deep secret and it's time to let it out. It has recently been discovered that "Mr. Thomas Carlson" and "Mr. Ivan McKnight" are actually alien brothers from the planet Mundas Novus from a galaxy far, far away. Students and teachers alike have been skeptical for quite some time of Carlson's past. Originally it was said that he came from a small, unusual, town in Kansas that has a staggering number of Tornados every year. Carlson was always suspiciously vague on the topic of his past, often changing the subject when such a topic came up. Censor This has learned, however, that Carlson hasn't been on Earth for more than twenty years. Carlson let it slip that he was an alien when he said, "On my home planet we don't have trampolines..." When questioned by the students he yelled," It took you long enough to catch on to us you silly Earthlings!" This shocking statement only brought forth more questions regarding the imposter: who else was there? When did they get here? Although Carlson refused to be questioned on the matter we did a little investigating on our own and discovered that he had an accomplice, his very own brother "Ivan McKnight." McKnight hasn't taught at this school for very long but many students claim he is elusive and so quiet they would never have suspected him to be an alien. Not much is known about the alien but he did once say that he was part of a club or group of some kind. Then the comment was disregarded as madness but now we are left to wonder, are there more of them? Are there more aliens wandering stealthily around our school? How will we ever know? And finally, why are they here anyway?
The photos above ( immediatly above and on the top right beside the shack) are photos taken of the brothers before admitted their true identities. On the top right it the shack that the brothers call home on their home planet. As found in their wallet. On the top of the page and to the right are the brothers right after they admitted their true identity.
4 MAY 14, 2012
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Death By Homework? by Renee Berger
Just recently a tragedy occurred in our school. A student has passed away and the cause is quite shocking. No one thought it was possible, but a student has died because of being given too much homework. Every single day this student was given hours of homework, causing her to miss meals and lose sleep. As well, her brain underwent information overload, which means that her brain was too full of knowledge. After months of pressure building in her skull due to excess information, her brain burst and her life was cut short. According to unconfirmed sources the student who passed away was Sarah Fischer. They say she always had a large amount of homework but once she entered Garbelya’s class, the amount of homework she received skyrocketed. She had more homework from that one class compared to all her other classes combined. Although, Sarah was a good student and kept pushing on, she always had all her homework completed to grade A level. But as the year progressed, the classes became more difficult and more homework was given to Sarah. She begged Garbelya for a break, told her that the amount of homework she gave was ridiculous and should be cut back. Laughing, Garbelya said, “Oh suck it up and stop being such a whiny little baby. It’s not a big deal.” Who would have guessed that one week after this event Sarah’s head simply exploded! It was 3Am and she was finishing Garbelya’s English homework when the pressure started rapidly building up in her head and her skull burst. Her parents awoke to a loud explosion reverberating through their home. They rushed into Sarah’s room and discovered the mess that was their daughter. “The amount of homework Garbelya gives to us is ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode!” This was said by Sarah that night before the tragedy occurred, according to her parents. Sarah’s parents feel that, “It’s unforgivable that something this awful happened to our daughter while she was under the schools control. The school district is responsible for making sure that teachers don’t get out of hand and in this case, they failed. It makes us sick.” Sarah’s parents are enraged and taking legal actions against the school and Garbelya. They are pressing hefty charges and hope to see Garbelya fired in the near future, although they know that Sarah Fischer caught wandering the hallways nothing will ever replace the loss of their daughter. with an overload of books.
Meet The Nerdiest Kid!
by Lauren Boyd
Tenth Grade student Renee Berger has now officially been deemed Nerdiest kid in Kelowna Secondary School. Some of Renee's hobbies are polishing her spectacle collection, playing Extreme Chess, collecting bugs and of course playing video and computer games. Renee aspires to own the largest spectacle collection and open a museum of eye wear history. Renee boasts about her pet rock, Ted, and her Chia pet Ned. She is the youngest person ever to win the annual Smarty-pants Spelling Bee four years in a row. Renee is the youngest pupil in Kelowna Secondary School to have won this award and is very pleased with her nerdy self. The following is an interview with the new Nerd, Renee. Lauren: How do you feel about being the new Nerdiest Kid Renee? Renee: I feel really good about it, I'm happy that the world, specifically the school population gets to see how awesome I am. L: That's great. Have you been trying to get this award for long or was it a surprise? R: Well I was unaware of its existence until several weeks ago when I saw it on the back page of a Star Trek magazine. I knew at that very moment that that was my next goal; I try to make a new goal every day. L: Do you have any tips for the aspiring young Nerd? R: Hmm, well I would just say be yourself and be proud of it because one day you will get rewarded for it. We brought in Persephony Flex, an expert of Social Interactions, to discuss the effects of winning this special award. When asked why she thought this was such an amazing award to win Persephony simply stated that, " To succeed in a beauty pageant you are required to spritz yourself with those dreadful bottled tans and regulate your diet to suit the opinions and views of others. However with this unique award you are being yourself and not letting people change you. In a way it is the toughest award to obtain.
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MAY 14, 2012 5
Fantastical Happenings around KSS
Foods Room Produces “Intriguing Alchemy” by Micheal Roberts Strange smells and odd gases seen spilling out of the foods room have many questioning what is REALLY going on in there. A witness who met with Censor This! confirmed that "there was some sort of strange equipment over the sink and stove," and that he saw Ms. Ewings over top of it. "I also saw some odd beakers around her," claimed the individual, who refused to identify herself. There are two steps to performing alchemy, the first being to create a specific alloy, which requires an alchemy lab, and the second being the actual transmutation, which most alchemists hope results in gold. Another goal of alchemy is the creation of the philosopher's stone, a mysterious elixir, colored either red or white, and rumored to grant eternal life, and bypass traditional procedures and directly create gold from any base metal.
According to an alchemy expert, known only as Professor Elric, the creation of the philosopher’s stone is completely possible, due to advances in science. He also stated that it’s just a matter of finding the right combinations of elements to react with each other. When I spoke with Ms. Ewings, she confirmed that she had, in fact, been using alchemy to create gold. "Who doesn't want a little extra gold? And as for living forever, I wouldn't say no to that, either," she said to our reporters. We were able to get some shots of her lab, as well as showed our reporters her transmutation circle. Unfortunately, however, we were unable to see the actual process, as she was unwilling to reveal all her secrets. Above: Some potions that were created by Ms. Ewings Below: The transmutation circle that she used.
Unicorns spotted among us! by Renee Berger
Everyone believes that unicorns are extinct or worse, that they never existed! But it has been reported that there is a unicorn roaming the halls of our school. No one knows exactly where it came from but it has been residing in our school for about a week now. It is a bitter old thing and doesn’t care about anyone but itself, not quite what people expect of a unicorn. People have seen this unicorn galloping through the halls, dancing on tables and doing other shenanigans. When the unicorn isn’t exploring the halls, he is eating all the leftover rice and drinking from the toilet. I love unicorns as much as the next kid, but this animal is causing a lot of ruckus. During the day the unicorn is usually galloping up and down the hallways. Sometimes when he’s running he gets distracted and doesn’t notice the kids in front of him. A few kids have been brutally trampled and stabbed and the unicorn doesn’t even stop to ask if they’re okay. When he’s not running and crashing into kids he’s dancing on the tables in the MPR. It’s quite horrid due to the fact that he couldn’t dance to save his life and his taste in music is quite questionable. He’ll run into the MPR, shove everything off the table, jump up and start blasting Rebecca Black tunes. After he’s finished dancing he likes to show everyone his special unicorn powers. His greatest power is his ability to roast marshmallows over the fire with his horn. He is constantly lighting fires and roasting marshmallows over them to showcase his talent. After he is done he’ll abandon his fire for someone else to take care of. He doesn’t understand his reckless behavior and has become quite a nuisance. At night he enjoys a gourmet meal prepared by JB and resides to the library. He then rips out pages from the books and sews them together to form a blanket. After he’s got his blanket he curls up in a corner and sleeps the night away. We have tried to move him while he’s asleep, he’s obviously too dangerous while conscious, but there seems to be a sort of force field protecting him. Unicorn expert Dr. Horn says that, “unicorns are generally stereotyped as friendly and harmless but are actually quite dangerous. If they want something, they get it.” According to Dr. Horn there is only one thing left that we can do to stop this monstrosity; bring in the unicorns’ mother. Thanks to him authorities are currently phoning the unicorns’ mother. She will arrive in a few days to scold him and bring him home back to the end of the rainbow.
6 MAY 14, 2012
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WHAT WENT WRONG? Ryan Antoniuk’s
Wardrobe Malfunction
by Emilie Berthiaume As the yearly KSS Airband Week approaches, the student body gets excited while the teachers and school authorities begin to worry, for everyone knows that Airband always opens the door of possibility to erotic dance moves and provoking outfits. Of course, the adults at KSS do not tolerate such behavior and will instantly disqualify any team that dares to disrespect the school’s policies; but even with full knowledge of the consequences, the inappropriate conduct does not subside. This year’s Airband must have been the most absurd yet, possibly due to the 2012 Grads’ “No Regrets” slogan, pushing the grade twelve students to act without thinking of the possible negative outcomes. There was indeed the expected sick and provoking dance moves and costumes, but what truly caused a commotion was surely Ryan Antoniuk’s “nip slip” during his performance for Caucasian Persuasion. To make matters worse, after the photo was posted to Facebook, Antoniuk clearly showed his disapproval for the term nip slip by saying that it “...implies that it wasn’t intentional.” If KSS authorities do not Photo Credit: Conor Teahen find a better way to enforce the school’s policies during Airband week, we are sure to see more promiscuous teenagers during Airband 2013 and so forth.
NIP SLIP!
Prom Dress Disasters by Mary Bunka
Why does this exist? It’s horrible on so many levels: the unflatteringly- cut neckline, the purple and white layers, and finally, the cape thing. The knee socks don’t help, but that’s a different story. Apart from looking like a space- princess, the dress is impractical because of the long train. You’ll trip more than you’ll dance. It’s prom, you can’t have two dresses. Pick either a long or a short one, not both.
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? Our staff voted these the worst prom outfits of 2012. Do you agree?
A prom is a formal occasion… not a beach. Showing off this much skin is a cry for attention—and keep in mind that you won’t only be getting attention from guys your own age! If you want to show off your fabulous muscles or great beach bod, do it with a short dress that covers your midriff, or go strapless. But never, ever let your stomach show for prom.
You have to be in amazing shape to wear this creation, because you’ll be walking to the Grand. You won’t fit in a limo! The style, colour scheme (pink, black, white, and turquoise? Really?) , and overall awkwardness of this dress will leave you lonely on your prom night- no one will be able to get close enough to you to dance! And the opening cut into the front makes it look like you have decided to wear a dog house. And… hold on a moment… it’s made of duct tape. Don’t even get me started on the tux, which is also made of duct tape. Couples that want to match should consider accessories as the absolute limit. Ties, shoes, hair accessories, etc. can look quite cute if picked to match what your other half is wearing.
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MAY 14, 2012 7
The Lessons Cancer Taught Me
In the letter below, Censor This reporter Kolby Zinger-Harris, speaks candidly about his first hand experience with the deadly disease. by Kolby Zinger-Harris
When a person has an experience with cancer, that person will undoubtedly be changed after. Having had a mother who survived cancer and having witnessed two close friends lose their mothers to it, I can confirm that the effects of the awful disease last for a long time. I have learned quite a bit from my experiences with cancer. Whether or not this knowledge is worth what it took to obtain it is debatable. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago when I was in middle school. It was of course a devastating time. However, it was above all surreal. Cancer is something we hear about all the time and I think that throughout my childhood I had become desensitised to cancer the way kids who play war video games are desensitised to violence: I didn’t understand the true effects of the disease until I experienced it firsthand. This is why my life felt odd during the time my mother had cancer. Rarely did I feel angry or sad, as I thought I should be, but I felt simply overwhelmed by the fact it was happening to my family. All of a sudden, we were getting phone calls all the time. Friends and family sent emails and came to visit. I was in the middle of a situation most people are terrified to be in. This was difficult for me to process, because I was so used to being the person who is afraid that someone close to him might get cancer and not the person who is afraid that someone close to him already has cancer and might die of it. Now that I understand my confusion, I realize that I am in fact a small part of a bigger world. Everything that happens to the people around me, good or bad, could happen to me as well. This realization has made me more aware of the world surrounding me. .
Many KSS students know the pains of cancer from friends and family with the disease. They help the cause by being supportive and spreading awareness by shaving their heads and raising money.
8 MAY 14, 2012
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...continued from page 8 When a person has a mother with cancer, he or she becomes accustomed to pity. I had many people telling me they felt sorry for me and I’m sure my mother experienced this much more than I did. I soon became very aware of how it felt to be the victim. It is interesting to see how people react with each other when tragedy is among them and I know that while expressions of pity don’t go unappreciated, it is interesting to truly consider who pities who. Having been at the side of one of my closest friends while her mother lost her battle against cancer, I think that I have learned quite a bit about feeling sorry for one another. When someone close to us dies, do we feel bad for that person or for ourselves? Is the true pain felt by the person who has died, or by those who were close to him? JK Rowling wrote, “Do not pity the dead… Pity the living, and above all those who live without love.” During my battles with cancer, this quote taught me that grieving is time spent feeling sorry for ourselves. While there is nothing wrong with that in the beginning, one must learn to move on. Finally, cancer taught me what it feels like to be truly helpless. Many people told me during my mother’s time with the disease that she had been strong. Indeed, my mom did not easily give in to the disease and I will always admire her for not letting cancer completely take over her life. However, I do not believe that cancer showed me how strong my mother and my family can be. It showed me how weak we truly were. There was nothing my mother or I could do to stop what was happening. All the motivational phone calls and emails in the world could not have prevented the cancer that tried to kill my mom. Luckily, her cancer was not so severe that it could not be defeated by chemo therapy and radiation treatment. It was, however, severe enough to create a tremor in my family that will affect us forever. Diseases like cancer weaken us and leave a mark. While I am forever grateful that my mom is still with me, I know that what cancer took from my family will never be regained. As for what exactly it took, I’m not certain.
A beautiful sign-up attracts teens into shaving their heads.
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MAY 14, 2012 9
Student Body Revolts
Studen ts Speak Up!
by Kailee MacIsaac It has been a year of change at KSS and it's safe to say the students are sick of it. First students had to get used to the new time table and many still feel the sting of that lost battle from last year. But the overall reaction to the teachers' job action and its effect has been the biggest issue of the year. The first effect that was felt by the student body was the bell schedule changed to not allow any breaks and a shorter lunch. Next there was the fact that with the job action does not allow for grades to be submitted and that means no report cards, which made it difficult for grads to submit grades into universities. Not to mention that there was a scare among grads that with the recent vote by the teachers union to stop all extra-curricular activities that there would be no commencement ceremonies. However that issue appears to be resolved from the information that has been revealed to the student body. But that is part of the problem, students and teacher alike have little to no information on anything that happens until the moment it happens. Teachers actually found out about the walk out vote from students. So to combat this lack of communication and general knowledge the students are going to rise up against the school system and those who seem not to have our best interests in mind. A message needs to be sent to the school board that we are not happy with what is happening. No one has gained anything from the recent events other than the government who saved money from lost teacher wages from the walk out. So it’s time to show them how we really feel.
Facebook In School?
by Emilie Berthiaume The head of School District 23 recently came to the decision that Facebook will now be permitted on school Wi-Fi. Students will be able to access the site not only through school computers but also on their smart phones and other devices, if they are connected to the school's internet. Teachers are not too ecstatic about the change, which happens on May 18th at noon. They claim to already feel overwhelmed when having to discipline the cellphone and texting usage during classes, and they can only see this getting worst once students have access to Facebook. There have been whispers of another teacher strike potentially starting to protest against the new access to Facebook in SD23 schools. This would be devastating for students especially since final exams are near. What were the school district authorities thinking?
e ban h t l l i W d? be lifte 10 MAY 14, 2012
S S R . s KSS v
A School Showdown
by Kaite Hollingsworth
The grad class of 2012 isn't a group that is exactly "together.�It seems that the class is divided into many different cliques thus splitting the grad class immensely. However, it is evident that the separated grad class will come together for one reason: to feud with Rutland Secondary. As a class, there is so much differentiation that friendships are solely made within one group. We have the MPR kids‌and everyone else. Just kidding our grad class is many different groups not put together. We're like a puzzle that just doesn't fit! Yet, whenever there is an opportunity for opposition between KSS and RSS, the pieces of our grad class seem to fit together. In our vocal criticism of another school, it seems, we really bind together. This knowledge came upon me when a fight broke out at Postill (a gathering sight between RSS and KSS).No matter which group you belonged to, you essentially belonged to KSS as a whole. Cliques aside, Rutland girls picked fights with some of the toughest girls in our grad class. It was amazing at how fast news spread of this fight, but what was more amazing was every KSS student backed up their grad class without thinking about the different cliques our grad class is made up of.
KSS works together to take on Rutland! CENSOR THIS
A KSS Marriage?
by Mary Bunka
Rumours regarding Davis Yates and Madi Deutscher have been flying for weeks. And Censor This! finally has the scoop: they're all true. Davis and Madi, whom fans have given the couple nickname "Dadi" will be married on July 7th, at 7:00. "We're going for lucky sevens," the bride gushed. "We know it's a little, well, odd, to be getting married so young, and we know we'll need all the luck we can get." Yates told Censor This! in an exclusive interview that "we had been going out for two months before I proposed. Actually, I proposed on our two-month anniversary." He put his arm around Madi, who giggled and said: "It was so romantic! He actually proposed here- in the MPR! All the tables except one were pushed away, and there were silver plastic table clothes hanging from the ceiling. He got down on one knee and I knew what I was going to say. I was ready. I mean, I've been waiting for this my whole life. He pulled the ring out from what I thought was a pack of cards—that part surprised me." Though many are concerned that it's too soon for the couple, they feel that they know what they're doing. "We're in love!" they said, "And we know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We know that it'll be tough. But we're ready for it." They have a plan in place for the future too. "Davis is graduating now, and I have a job lined up. That's the only sad part—I won't be returning to KSS next year. I'll be living the married life! No time for school!" Madi said. "I'm a little sad to go, actually, but I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with Davis." Censor This! would like to extend their sincere congratulations to the couple and we wish them the best!
Censor Thi s! Exclusive
The Amazing Ring
SHOCKING NEWS ABOUT THE MOST SERIOUS COUPLE IN THE SCHOOL Photos of Grade 12 Davis Yates and Grade 10 Madi Deutscher Photos by Mary Bunka
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MAY 14, 2012 11
Dancing on the Ceiling
Left and above: KSS Dance students practice feverishly for the year end show, “Dancing on the Ceiling� put on in the drama room May 9th and 10th.
12 MAY 14, 2012
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How To: Taking Your Friend’s Mom To Grad! by David Orriss
Grad dates are a tricky thing to acquire, especially if you have spent the last thirteen years of your life sheltered from the other sex. You might be feeling lost, and alone, maybe even confused. You know you will have fun with your boys but this is your big night and you would like to have someone to cherish the memories with. Here’s the easy solution, use your guy friend to help you get a girlfriend! Who might your friend know? Why has he been holding out on you all this time? Pass left buddy! Your friend brings to the table a mature, yet fiery woman, which will guarantee you an exciting evening of memorable times. Of course, I am talking about taking your friend’s mother, a completely normal and common thing today in these modern times. Age is only a state of mind! Grad date, check! Now what? Well here are some tips to keep the fire hot for you and your lovely date. First start the night off with bringing her flowers. Women of all ages love flowers, so feel free to get your date flowers even if she is, for some weird reason your own age. Chivalry is also very appreciated; when she’s making her stunning grand entrance, maybe put yourself out there and open the door for her as in the hustle and bustle of laundry and preparing meals (maybe it’s been a while since your lady friend has felt like a princess). Second, play it straight! Just because pop culture and the MPR tell you dry grad and alcohol go hand in hand doesn’t mean your date will think you are cool. Besides, your lady friend will drink her bottle of wine at dinner, --she’s too classy to take shots in the bathroom. Let her know you are mature and stay cool, stay sober. She will probably tell your mother if you break any of the rules anyway. Last but not least be you! She’s already a mother so that mean’s she probably likes kids around your age. Just be sure to read the body signals, don’t get into her comfort zone and most likely I would advise against going for a kiss. Grad 2012.
Miracle weight Loss solution! by Marantha James
Obesity is an epidemic in North America; thousands of companies advertise brand new ‘magical’ weight loss solutions. All of them claiming to be bigger, better and easier than the one before it. Now, high school is a time to look hot, have fun and let lose; and that’s not easy if you’re the fat kid… But now there IS a solution! With Tape and Reshape™ you can look hot, stay fit and you don’t have to lift a finger. This easy to swallow capsule contains only one ingredient and as such is completely natural and organic. What is the secret ingredient you ask? It’s a tape worm! A small little friend that helps you to remove all that excess fat and keeps you looking your best. Doctors have nothing but praise for this revolutionary weight loss product. “There is a misconception with the tape worm,” says our link to the medical world, Dr. Nicks. “This little guy is a girl’s best friend. There is absolutely zero danger in taking this product.” And the news is all good from our hundreds of happy customers too. Students from KSS high school have delved into this product and are blow away by the results. “I lost 30lbs in ONE week! I look great in my jeans and I didn’t hit the gym once!!” raves one student. Another is nearly brought to tears by her success; “I dropped 80 pounds in under a month; I’ve never felt so sexy in my life! I’m finally accepted by my peers, I will NEVER be the fat girl again!” This miracle solution is sweeping the nation. Our goal is to have North America looking sexy and raring to go in under a year. We even plan to tackle Texas! So get your Tape and Reshape™ pills today. Call 250-911-0911 to order or go online at www.don’t-sue-us.ca
Lauren before and after the tape worm diet! WARNING: Tape and Reshape™ has been linked to serious illnesses such as malnutrition (in every case) as well as jaundice (liver failure), kidney failure and, in most cases, a slow, painful, embarrassing death. Do not deliberately intake a tape worm under any circumstances. Speak to your doctor before taking Tape and Reshape™ and begin your search for a good shrink.
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MAY 14, 2012 13
Believe It or Not
‘Student Mole’ Gives KSS ‘Thumbs Up’ by Noj Neskrek, Special Contributor to ‘Censor This!’ CP --- He may have been sitting in your Chem class or History of Rock. He may have busted a few moves beside you in Dance. He may have even played tenor sax beside you in Band. Yesterday, under pressure from CBC Radio and Television citing the Freedom of Information Act, Health Canada admitted to planting a student mole at Kelowna Secondary School in the Central Okanagan of British Columbia. Health Canada spokeswoman Donna Riethmann said, “Agent Karl Munschen--a.k.a. senior James Bayford--was planted at KSS this past February with the cooperation of Mrs. Kitzinger and other principals in School District #23. Although actually 26 year old, Mr. Munschen has an unusually youthful appearance and he’s sharp as a tack—kind of like Michael J. Fox with glasses. He was perfect for the job.” According to Reithmann, Munschen’s primary objective was to gather accurate information about drug, alcohol and food abuse at Kelowna Secondary School, in order to provide a case study for the Okanagan. For twelve weeks Munschen lived like a KSS student, attending class, winning friends, sharing meals with them, playing in band, crashing parties. He compiled upwards of 200 pages of notes during this time, notes which he plans to publish in book form next year under the title of “Been There, Done That” with the help of a grant from Interior Health. “My findings directly challenge the stereotype about teenage students being apathetic, roach-smoking sloths addicted to pizza pockets, Pop Tarts, Monster, X-box and cell phones,” Munschen said in a phone interview yesterday. “I expect there to be a lot of controversy when the book comes out. A lot of people are going to be peeved. I mean, I made a lot of friends, I
pretended to be someone I wasn’t, I even had a girlfriend (sorry Renee!). I was like Drew Barrymore in ‘Never Been Kissed’. But, honestly, it was worth it. My findings are going to change the way we think about Canadian high school students.” According to the Muncshen Report submitted this week to Health Canada, a copy of which has been delivered to every administrator in the district, KSS students indulge in very little illicit drug and alcohol activity, and they are eating more healthily than ever. “I give students at Kelowna Secondary School two thumbs up for health-awareness,” Munschen said. “The dozens of people I chilled with were pretty clean living. What I saw were people choosing ginseng tea over energy drinks, raw vegetables over Doritos, quinoa over hamburger, gum over cigarettes and chew, and exercise over T.V.” Munschen was emphatic: “On 4/20 attendance actually went up at KSS. People chose to ‘pass on grass’. They’re making good choices.” Munschen expects the current generation of students to be far less of a drain on the Canadian Health Care System than the current beer-guzzling, pot-smoking, Lost-addicted Generation Me- and X-ers. Principal Kintzinger is ecstatic about the report. “The Munschen Report has restored my faith in KSS students. I thought they were awesome before; now I think they’re simply Mmmmmarvelous!” KSS Vice-Principal Mike Dornian said, “I think the whole thing is a student cover-up, and I’m not going to stop until I find out who’s been paying Bayford—I mean Munschen—to keep quiet.” Photos from top to bottom: Karl Munschen (James Bayford) enjoying a healthy meal; Karl Munschen (James Bayford) posing with girlfriend Renee Eagleton; Karl Munschen (James Bayford) playing sax with his good pal Anthony Argatoff; Karl Munschen (James Bayford) having a blast at KSS’s Grad Semi-Formal with Avery Kirk and Jinxz Flamand.
14 MAY 14, 2012
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Believe It or Not Oddities
by Marantha James
High school is a strange and wondrous place --odd talents creep around as quickly as the scoop on the latest pregnancy scare. Looking into these talents and oddities, I found many strange examples but the one that called out to me most was one I had previously deemed impossible. To the left is a photo of local skater boy Judah Stewart shows an epic feat! Licking his own elbow in the middle of shop class, Judah proves us all wrong, it is in fact possible. Judah attempted this for the first time back in elementary school, he’s been known for it ever since. Some oddities are kept secret from the world, strange actions and desires such as an addiction to ones Tamagotchi™. I looked high and low for someone to voice their addiction or ability but no one wanted to share anything with the press. I did strike some luck last week however, when an unnamed student approached me after class to reveal his secret shame of eating glass! He claims to often sneak into the metal art room at lunch time to par-take in a feast of failed glass work attempts. I had many questions about this interesting little habit-such as how he keeps from cutting his mouth and what began this strange habit- but the only one he seemed comfortable answering was how it tasted. “Just like frosted flakes.” If you or anyone you know has an odd talent, habit or ability please contact us at 867-5309. Ask for Jenny.
Grade 10 student Judah Stewart showcasing his epic talent!
British Columbia Teacher Accused of ‘Mind Freak’ Mass Hypnosis KSS teacher, Ms. C. Heymen has been accused by parents, students and fellow staff of practicing mass hypnosis on his English 11 & 12 students, resulting in dangerously compliant behavior and an exacerbated interest in literature. “That’s ludicrous,” Heymen said. “My students are naturally well-behaved and love poetry through personal discovery. To suggest I’m practicing some sort of mind freak on them is demeaning to them and far too complimentary to me.” A source that spoke on the basis of anonymity said that, while on a trip in India, Heymen studied under Guru Navekananda, renowned for having perfected the spiritual art of Tantric Centering and mind-massage. When confronted with this revelation, Heymen retorted, “Yes, I did, but that doesn’t make me a hypnotist, just as studying journalism hasn’t made you an intelligent reporter. Believe me, I’d love to be capable of mass hypnosis.”
Principal Kintzinger planning summer Flamenco Dancing Tour
Ms. Vianne Kintzinger, KSS principal, has finally announced the dates of her Flamenco Dancing World Tour this summer. “We’ve had some trouble selling tickets at certain venues, so a few cities have been scratched off of the list,” said Ms. K, whose popularity as a dancer has waned since a recent extreme and sustained bout of vertigo changed the way she moves on the dance floor. “We’ll be opening in Nuuk, Greenland and closing in Ulan Bator, Mongolia,” Ms. K said. “I’m ecstatic. I’ve never been to either place.”
Temporary Laser Tattoos Proposed to Improve High School Attendance
The Ministry of Education of British Columbia is considering a radical new way of taking attendance, requiring each student to get a temporary (but indelible) bar code that would be scanned as a student enters or exits the school. “How is it any different from getting your hand stamped at a high school dance?” Vice-Principal of KSS, Mark Steen said. When asked if he would support the same laser tattoo initiative for teachers, administration and support staff, Steen said, “That’s ridiculous. That would be a direct infringement on our personal rights. What do think we are, cattle?” Left: Mrs. Kintzinger’s flamenco idol and teacher Mrs. Carlotta Ajo. Kintzinger studied with Ajo before coming to KSS, and plans to do a special version of the flamenco in tribute to her teacher.
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MAY 14, 2012 15
HAUNTED HAPPENINGS AT KSS by Marantha James KSS is a beautiful school, new and lavish. It is the best high school one could possibly attend. This is the generally accepted attitude of students, faculty and parents alike. However, recent events have brought to light things that cannot and should not be ignored. Have you ever noticed the chill that prevails in our halls? The students that never come to class, that are, for all intents and purposes, gone forever? The teachers that walk our halls like the living dead? These are no coincidences. Every window that slams closed by itself, every eerie sound that echoes in the halls and in the washrooms; they're all there because of the basement. Our school was built on a dump. Not an organized one like we have today, but a large pit where people threw what they didn't want or wanted to hide. Corpses, nuclear waste, murder weapons, suicide notes and possibly victims are all right beneath our feet. The basement is made from cold, unforgiving stone. The foundation of our school has trapped the souls of the broken, the dead and the lost. They are part of this place and when given the chance, they will do everything in their power to bind us to the same hell we condemned them to in building on top of their resting place. Upon making this discovery I spoke to a custodian, wondering if he had noticed any strange
EXCLUSIVE SHOTS!
Censor This has exclusive, never before seen images of what lurks beneath KSS’ s pristine surface. happenings about the school when everyone had gone home. He looked at me blankly and seemed too scared to answer. I pressed harder for information and he eventually gave in to say, "I'm not crazy, I swear it, but things‌strange things happen in this place. It's like the school's got a mind of its own." Interested, I decided to head to the basement myself. I wanted to see one of these strange occurrences with my own eyes. The scene before me was desolate, it was dark and foul. The machines hummed and hissed,
mixing grotesquely with the moans of the dead. Some spirits presence was so strong they looked freshly dead. The attached photos don't begin to accurately describe the horror below us. Investigating further I have come to believe that those in charge are the most affected. Principals and some teachers were tied to the building, their souls sucked down into the abyss and leaving them empty shells; zombies in almost every sense of the word. Once you've been to the basement, you can see their true faces. It will haunt you every night.
PROOF OF THE HAUNTINGS AT KSS HIGH-SCHOOL
Photos of my trip through the basement and the hallways after school hours.
16 MAY 14, 2012
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KSS Artists
MR.Greedy’sgr.10’sand 11’soutdoorchalkmurals areallviewablefacing the bus pick up.
CHALK-O-HOLICS?
Above: A graffiti-inspired chalk mural done by grade ten artist, Hannah Turner-Gervais. Below: A clown rendition chalk mural done by grade eleven artist, Abril LesPana.
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MAY 14, 2012 17
Dear Daisy Have a problem? Ask Dear Daisy!
email: kss.deardaisy@gmail.com
Dear Daisy, I have a problem. I’m pregnant with twins. Me and my BF both knew I was pregnant, but we thought there was only one baby. We decided, since we’re graduating anyway, to keep the baby. (I’m due in December by the way.) But I don’t want to keep them both! How do I choose, and can I still have the abortion done? -Two Much Trouble Trouble, You do indeed have a problem. Are you sure that you’re ready for even one child? To be frank, yes, it is possible to abort one fetus and leave the other in a process known as “selective abortion,” but this is usually reserved for mothers pregnant with over three fetuses, and is only offered when the chances of the babies being born healthily are slim. You would not be offered this option, as twins are usually born without any problems.
18 MAY 14, 2012
Because you are due in December, I can assume the twins were conceived in March. It’s probably too late to abort now. If you really only want one, my advice would be to look for a couple willing to adopt a child. But honestly, I think that you need to do a lot more research and you need to speak with a doctor. Good luck, Daisy Dear Daisy, My parents are divorced, and I haven’t seen my dad in years. (He ran off to Spain with his Flamenco band in 2003.) My mom recently started dating this creep whom I hate. He tells all these really perverted jokes that fly right over my little sister’s head but make me really uncomfortable. He never does it with mom around though. My sister is 14, and I think that he is trying to get her into bed.
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She worships him, he buys her a lot of stuff and gives her “advice” and helps her with her math etc. My mom is oblivious to this, but I’m really worried. I know she’ll break it off with him right away if I tell her, but I’m afraid of him. -Love my sister, not the new guy Love my Sister, It definitely sounds as if your mom’s boyfriend is a creep. Keep him away from your sister until he is safely out of your life. Talk to your mother first and explain what is going on. I’m glad to hear that she will dump him, but in order to ensure that he doesn’t hurt her, your sister, or you, it would be best to speak to the police and get a restraining order on the guy. Courtrooms do not pity the creepy boyfriend who is after his girlfriend’s children. Stay safe, and good luck! Daisy
What Does Your Future Hold? Aries March 21 - April 19
Take a cautious approach to any new opportunities that arise today. This is working against type, of course -- normally, you follow your instincts, summon your courage and jump right in. Life is more of an adventure that way, right? But sometimes, like today, it’s much more prudent to make plans and move forward with care. Scope out a new relationship or professional opportunity before you commit to it.
Cancer Cancer June 22 - July 22
You may not be the boldest, most talkative or gregarious person today. Still, your best qualities are shining through -- your honesty, your loyalty and your dedication to the people and causes that matter to you. No matter what you have on your plate now, you’ll handle it with ease. Business associates are impressed with your grounded energy, and your family feels comforted by your warmth.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Draw on your innate sense of balance today to bring organization to some uneven area of your home, workspace or life. Clearing clutter from your house reinvigorates you, as if you've somehow cleansed your soul. Balancing your checkbook or your budget brings you a sense of inner calm. These tasks may be somewhat tedious, but you're sensible enough to know there are a time and a place for everything, Libra.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It seems extra important today to get credit for your work or accomplishments. But bragging is less impressive than simply letting your work speak for itself. If people don’t notice what a good job you’ve done today, trust that they soon will. Just keep applying yourself, like always. Keep your ambitions in mind, but be flexible about them. You may have to tweak them in order to make them workable.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You feel centered and grounded. It’s easy to focus on whatever you have on your agenda for the day, because you don’t feel pulled between conflicting needs. Whatever is on your to-do list is what needs to be done. You’re able to view your tasks with a practical eye, which means that without much fuss, you can cut out any extra activities that aren’t important. Have a lovely day, Taurus!
Leo July 23 - August 22
A dramatic response to a problem that arises today probably isn’t your best bet. Instead, go for the quiet, sensible solution -- no matter how much you might wish you could swoop in like a superhero to save the day. Even if your efforts aren’t noticed, you can take pride in knowing that you were instrumental in smoothing over some mistake that could have really messed things up if it weren’t for you.
ScorpioOctober23-November21 Like many people today, something within you wants to be noticed. Maybe you want to feel special, as if people are paying attention to you and giving you respect. But they’re much more likely to listen up if you can share your skill and knowledge without seeming superior. A humble approach works so much better today, if your aim is to gain friends and influence people.
AquariusJanuary20-February18 A skeptical mood descends. Suddenly, your bright vision of the future seems impossible, impractical or out of reach. But maybe this is a good wake-up call. It’s important for your ideas and plans to be not just inventive, but actually feasible. If you’ve overlooked some details, this is your chance to go back to the drawing board and keep refining things until you have a more workable plan.
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Gemini May 21 - June 21 You may not want to zero in on your work or to-do list today, but if you can make yourself do it, you’ll enjoy a sense of calm. Otherwise, you’re distracted and scatterbrained all day. It’s hard to make a decision, because there are lots of variables and your sharp mind catches them all. If a truly important matter comes up, ask a grounded friend for their perspective.
Virgo August 23 - September 22 Your objectives for the future are clearer today than ever. You're focused on a long-term goal -- something that means a lot to you. This is a project which you can clearly envision and which you're willing to work toward carefully. Break things down into manageable steps. Determine what you can reasonably expect to accomplish within the next month, and start the process.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Ugh -- busy work! Tending to tedious details could take up the lion’s share of your day, but the sooner you accept this, the more likely you are to tackle your to-do list with gusto and focus. If you struggle against the need to take care of details, they will just take longer. Look at it this way: You’ll have to face these tedious tasks at some point. Why not do it now?
Pisces February 19 - March 20 You’re extra sensitive to criticism today, and unfortunately, everyone else seems to have discovered their inner critic. Perhaps you can choose to view their comments as simple feedback instead of harsh judgments. That way, you won’t have to take it all so personally, and you’ll be able to learn from the useful bits. Maybe your work really does need a little more time and attention before it is truly perfect.
MAY 14, 2012 19
Support Cancer Week!
“In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi
Cancer Week in Brief:
May 23 School-wide Cancer Awareness Assembly
May 24 Drive-Thru Breakfast Location: Rona parking lot. Time: 6-9 am
May 24 PM 6th Annual Golf Tournament at Pinnacle and Gallagher’s kssgolftournament. weebly.com
May 25 Students and faculty take a stand against cancer at the Headshaving outside at KSS.
Join us in our cause!