Wellington | April 2018 | 03
RECEIVING QUALITY FEEDBACK ON YOUR ASSIGNMENTS? Yes? No? Let your Class Rep know the good, the bad & the ugly. Work with your Class Rep, provide feedback and make sure your courses are the best they can be.
Don’t know who your Class Rep is? Ask your lecture or MAWSA’s Student Voice Coordinator — email@example.com
RE FEATUCover Image: Luca Rosseels
Editorial Editorial Hi guys,
I hope everyone is feeling rejuvenated after the mid-semester break. Some great news! As many of you may have realised Massive’s website has been having its fair share of problems over the past few months. No need to worry anymore because Massive has a brand spanking new website for you to peruse and enjoy. Hi guys, IWhen hope designing everyone isthe settling intowe university lifetoahead the first website, have tried keep of things usermid-semester friendly, so break for the year. you can access all your favourite content from reviews, to news, to features. Thiscan week welook continue some ofofthe students here at You also back to at tackle PDF editions theissues magazine fromare thefacing last few Massey. If you are a student on the Manawatu or Albany campuses, you may be years if that’s what you’re about! Even better this website is mobile friendly, aware of some of the changes being proposed to College of Science. so you can check it out on your smartphone no matter where you are. Masseyout University’s ofweek, Science’s Positioning Document’ Shout to KasharnCollege Rao this who‘Strategic put himself in immense pain andwhich contains proposed structural changes to the college, which would come into effect ate a Carolina reaper chilli, for his fantastic column – Lit Fam or Shit Scam. by 2020. Make sure to check it out! And if you are really interested you can head over These include to cutting of Engineering degree Albany to the website checkthe outBachelor video footage of him eating thefrom fierythe pepper. campus. We also introduce our new column The Unlonely Woman this week. The The school majors, topic of the has veryalso firstproposed column is changes the worldtoofsome sugarBachelor daddies,ofit’sScience defo worth a such as combining Earth Science and Geography majors and packing Genetics, read. and Biochemistry majors IfMicrobiology there is anything you want to see, dropinto meone. a line at firstname.lastname@example.org Forums were held at both campuses earlier this month and students have been Nikki encouraged to give their feedback. Make sure if these are changes that are going to affect you, you get in touch with your students’ association and pass on your thoughts. We are taking a small break now, our next issue will be on stands on Monday, April 16. CORRECTION: The article about the School of Nursing in the March-April edition of Massive reported Nikki Massey Communications Director James Gardiner saying claims from School of Nursing staff quoted earlier in the same article were unfounded. That is not correct. His statement related to other claims that were not published in the article. The error is regretted.
E V I S S A M
11 13 16 18 21 26 31 34
Opinion: Marama Davidson Massive Magazine presents: Fact or Fiction Support for Exec payment increase A guide to comic book conventions Netflix & Chill How to find your perfect match Itâ€™ll look great on your CV! It is just a bit shit
Good cop, Bad cop Asstrology
09 10 35 30 38 41 43
Pinch of Politics On the Line Unlonely woman Shower Thoughts Lit Fam or Shit Scam Booked in Cool Beans
(04) 866 7419 ex. 101
(04) 866 7419 ex. 101
Regulars 06 44 45
Contributors: Mackenzie Dyer Jack Mayo Lydia Hill Emma Rzpecky Todd Murray Peri Miller Victoria Bergin Kallum Murray Leilani Baker Kasharn Rao
Local News Puzzles Hot or Not
Kezia Thompson Melissa Ng Tim Kendrew Felix Desmarais Chantelle de Bore Te Paea Hoori Benjamin Reyburn Natasha Tziakis Zoe Jennings Victoria Bergin
ws national ne
Nurses and nursing students fight latest disappointment Jamie Lee-Bracken email@example.com
Nursing students completing their work at Massey University. Massey Nursing students are among those calling for a pay increase for all nursing staff across the country. New Zealand Nurses Organisation (NZNO), which represents more 27,000 nurses, has been in talks to secure a pay increase for its workers since last year. District health boards have since proposed a two per cent salary increase, a $1050 lump sum payment and a pay equity settlement commitment for nurses by 2019. However, late last month NZNO announced nurses voted against these proposals and a strike is now on the cards. Current Massey nursing student, Megan Hammond, is among those to support the rejection. “I have attended NZNO meetings at the hospital discussing the two options nurses had. I believe that two per cent is not enough for the work nurses do,” says Hammond. She says nurses work hard and it’s not a job for the faint hearted. “I feel confident becoming a registered nurse as it is something I’m passionate about and have worked hard to achieve,” she says. “But the current issues have allowed me to see that I may have
to fight for my rights and my patients’ rights as a nurse,” says Hammond. An ex- Massey nursing student who wishes to remain anonymous, currently works as a registered nurse and agrees with Hammond. “I made more money working at McDonald’s,” she says. “One of the most challenging things about being a nurse is the stress. It’s a no-brainer, nurses are stressed out. “If it’s not the understaffing that makes it difficult to manage our loads and provide good quality care to our patients, its being under-resourced that requires us to run around the hospital looking for the things that we need for our patients,” the ex-student says. The recent pay rejection along with recent tensions in the Massey School of Nursing, fortunately has not stopped Hammond from wanting to be a nurse. Both say they will attend a strike if one is held. “No one is listening and obviously something has to happen for them to finally listen and respect the work we perform,” says Hammond.
Q. What do you think about the minimum wage going up? ($15.75 – $16.50)
“I guess it means rent could go up, so it could have the opposite effect because landlords see students earn more. It’s good because it reflects inflation I suppose.”
“For me it’s quite good as I have a job and need extra money. I’m currently on $15.75 so the increase to $16.75 is good for me because it’s extra cash in the bank.”
“I think it’s very good, it’s a positive thing. I know minimum wage has gone up a lot in the last 10 years so it’s a good thing it’s still increasing.”
Quirky flatmate-seeking video gains viral status Emma Rzepecky
Wellington flatmates Josh Evans and Sam Allen have gained national attention for their intricate flatmate-seeking advertisement posted to Facebook. The three-minute long video of their Aro Valley flat was posted on the Vic Deals community Facebook page on Wednesday, April 4. By midday the following day it had more than 3500 likes, 400 comments and 100 shares. In the video, Sam and Josh give a tour of the flat’s communal spaces – the kitchen, living room and bathroom – and also take time to educate viewers about the meaning of “Netflix and chill”. They also show off the room on offer, going for $150 per week. According to Tenancy Services, the average price of a room in
an Aro Valley flat costs $248, making the room on offer a steal. Sam says there was a point where neither he or Josh thought it was worth uploading the satirical video. “It’s Wellington, you could probably rent out the gap in your pink batts if you posted a somewhat flattering picture,” Sam says. “The overwhelming positivity of people’s comments is just so lovely.” Josh says their motivation for the video was not desperation to find a flatmate. “We saw it as a great opportunity to make something rather than do it the old boring way. “A huge part of my bachelor of communications degree focused on film and I feel like I tried to bring that knowledge to the video.”
Fletch, Vaughan + Megan Weekdays 6am - 10am
Block One held its first ever music festival on March 2, with the Something Something Music Festival taking place over three stages in the venue. Punters lucky enough to get a ticket before they sold out were treated to sets by local Massey acts Connor Moore & LOTU, Luci x hector, T U M A I N I & flowty, and Josie Moon; plus Wellington faves Mermaidens and Auckland heavy hitters Wax Chattels. The drinks flowed and the music even more so – keep an eye out for upcoming Something Something events!
—— Banter & Brews hosted a quiz night at Tussock on March 22 to fundraise for events for this year. We'd like to thank everyone that came along. This was a new event idea for us and it was a massive success to kick start the year! Banter & Brews is all about bridging the gap between you and the industry - to be able to make impressionable connections and learn a whole lot of design & communication tips along the way. This year we have lined up an industry panel/workshop, design competition challenge and the traditional graduate panel. Food (and drinks) are provided so all the more
reason to tag along. Be sure to check out our Facebook page @BanterandBrews.
—— On Friday March 16 Massey Outdoor Recreation Club set out on their first trip of the year – two days of epic mountain biking at Rotorua Redwoods. Six hours in a car with strangers is a great way to get to know someone really fast. As day broke on Saturday morning everyone was ready to hit the trails. We eagerly place our bikes on the back of the shuttle and catch a ride to the top of the hill. At the top everyone chose a group to match their ability and away we went! Honing down the trails at what feel like 90 miles an hour while you zoom past all the majestical redwood trees you feel like you’re invincible. The day continued like this until we were all tired, sore and bruised. Heading back to the backpackers showing off our wounds and the stories behind them, everyone agreed that there was no better way to finish than with a beer and a mountain of nachos. Sunday was another action-packed day of biking, tiki-touring around Rotorua and watching a little of the Crankworx
competition, followed by another long drive home. The trip was a blast and everyone had the time of their life, even if it was their first time mountain biking. Keep an eye out for all the other things MORC has planned for this year on our Facebook page. IT’S GONNA BE EPIC!
—— The Nursing Club second and third year students came together on March 21 to discuss clinical placement. This was an opportunity for the second year students to ask questions about the third years’ experiences during their second year placement. The event, held in the Nursing Club Lounge in Block 7, was to help the second year students feel more confident heading into their mental health, primary health, and physical health placements. It also gave the students a chance to connect with their peers and learn some tips and tricks. The event was a success as students left feeling more confident about placement. —— Check out www.mawsa.org.nz/clubs to check out the full list of clubs and societies.
The Green Party sent out an email to its mailing list on the night of April 3, claiming to have made their “first huge win” in government. Of course, with a title like that buzzing on my phone, I couldn’t help but read the email immediately. The big win is the governments new public transport budget. The email explained the budget, which includes spending up to $11.7 billion over ten years to get our cities moving. This seems pretty ambiguous when it comes to exactly how the money will be spent. But, it gets slightly broken down and it’s followed by the explanation that within this budget $4.7 billion will be spent on new rapid bus and light rail for New Zealand’s major cities. For me, one of the most interesting things about this email wasn’t ¯ the actual figures, it was the language used. Before the email even explained the party’s ‘big¯ win’, it immediately slandered the National Party, saying they were “stuck in the past, ¯ spend billions to build just a few lowpromising to value motorways”. It seems quite strange that before ¯ to crap explaining their first big win, they decided on the last leading party. The Labour, Green and NZ First tri-coalition has made moves in government by delivering on some of their promises regarding our justice system and environmental issues, but one question remains.
Are these budgets being spent wisely? New Zealand has some very deeply rooted social issues with housing, racial inequality, domestic violence and education achievements. It would be interesting to find out who decided that being environmentally friendly is more important that trying to solve social issues within our society. According to Radio New Zealand, The Labour Party underneath Andrew Little had proposed to spend $17 billion over four years on health, education and ¯ incomes if they were to win. family Something I’m very interested in is how this is ¯ all going to be funded. There is a finite about of money in the world, and although we could always print more, the ramifications of that could be inflation, which would potentially destroy our social infrastructure even further. These new changes to our public transport system also seem to only address our cities, not rural towns or lower socio-economic suburbs, who also have public transport concerns. Would not addressing the suburbs now just make them more expensive in the future? Our cities are big, but some not big enough for light rail, so why do they need one? The full budget is not out yet, so my bold statements are just statements at the moment, but it will be very interesting to see the small details of the spending.
ON THE LINE Writer: Leilani Baker This fortnightly column stays true to its name by discussing all things sports including controversies on and off the field. Whether you enjoy a causal brew whilst watching the rugby, or your inner demon emerges when the football comes on, this column is dedicated to you, the sport-lovers of Massey.
Player Profile: Maia Wilson
For most of us, being a full-time student and working is enough to keep us busy. But for some, being a national athlete is just the icing on the cake. This is the reality for 20-year-old Massey Student and Silver Fern Maia Wilson. This issue, On the Line asks Maia how she does it. What are you studying at Massey and what year are you? I am studying a Bachelor of Communications, in my third year of part time study. When did you decide you were going to study as well as play netball? I always knew I wanted to continue my sporting career after high school and always pursue a degree, so it wasn’t a hard decision when I started thinking about life after high school. What’s the hardest part about being a national athlete and a uni-student at the same time? The hardest thing about being a fulltime athlete and part-time student is being able to balance and prioritise my uni work, whether it is completing assignments while I’m on the road or having to rush from training to a lecture and back to training again. It always seems like I’m on the run. Favourite snack? Summer fruits and mango.
Finish this sentence: At uni you will most likely find me… Rushing to my classes or at Tussock grabbing a coffee.
"I do miss the physicality of basketball but am grateful to be where I am with netball." What did you do when you found out you had made the Silver Ferns? It was quite a surreal moment, as I thought I had read my letter wrong and had to get someone else to read it to me. I was speechless but so excited because I knew it was a true honour and privilege to be among very few New Zealand women who are able to run out on court in the black dress. Who were you most star-struck to play with and why? Laura Langman, as she is such an amazing player and person, the way she dedicates her life to perfecting her craft. She welcomed me into the team and would always make sure I was ok. She’s a cool chick. What do you love the most about netball? I guess the thing I’ve loved most about netball is meeting new people and developing life-long friendships. I
have met most of my closest friends through netball and am lucky that I still get to play with some of them now. I understand netball isn’t the first sport you have represented New Zealand in? When I was younger I played basketball for the various age group New Zealand teams and was also lucky to be able to play for the Tall Ferns when I was 16. How did you find the transition between the two sports? I loved playing both and find at times I do miss playing basketball but I thought the transition between the two was actually quite easy, apart from the shooting transition. There would be times when I would finish basketball and go straight to netball and shoot a couple of air balls as a basketball is a heavier than a netball. I found that playing both sports actually helped me become a better player in both. Do I dare ask which sport you enjoy more? I don’t think I enjoy one more than the other but I do miss the physicality of basketball but am grateful to be where I am with netball. What is your dream job? I’m not quite sure what my dream job is at the moment but I would love to be around the sporting environment. You’re weirdest food fusion?
Avocado and marmite on toast, so good! I don’t really like mixing my sweet and savoury together so that’s the best I can do. Favourite All Black? Beauden Barrett Your mantra? “Somewhere behind the athlete you've become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you is a little girl who fell in love with the game and never looked back... play for her.” – Mia Hamm
Pass or play: This week we get a little saucy and check out pole dancing. Believe it or not pole dancing is an official sport and could be included in the Olympics. The sex stigma is eradicating, and many look at it as an exciting, new form of exercise. If you’re up for a quirky work out there are numerous pole fitness locations in Albany, Manawatu, ¯ and Wellington. Sessions range from $15-20.
Ponder that: If Michael Phelps were a country he’d rank number 35 on the all-time Olympic Gold Medal list beating 97 Nations! 11
Marama Davidson who is she, what does she do and why does she matter? Writer: Natasha Tziakis Marama Davidson is the newly appointed coleader of the Green Party. She is the official spokesperson for Maori Affairs, Housing, Pacific Peoples, Disability and Ethnic Affairs. So, Davidson is essentially the golden girl representing leftwing values. Davidson won against Julie-Anne Genter, the other candidate for the position of co-leader, by a vote of 11034. This is an incredible win for Davidson as Genter has more of a public profile than Davidson does, potentially indicating that the care for public image is decreasing and that policy is making a comeback. Davidson boasts a ten-year career at the Human Rights Commission and has worked part-time as the Chief Panelist for the Glenn Inquiry into Domestic Violence. She also has a hashtag on Twitter, a campaign of her coleadership, called #WeAreMany. So, why does she matter? She’s slightly new to the Greens and brings a different understanding as a mother to six and a Maori Rights activist. Her parents were both Maori activists as well. Her being an activist and mother will potentially cast light on the social issues that could have been over-looked by Genter and Shaw. Davidson’s win shows the Green Party is listening to its members. Members, who have not been named by media, threatened to quit if Genter became co-leader. Their reasoning ranged from racial diversity to longstanding alliances. Because of these members being extremely vocal, it shows that the people voting within the party are paying attention to the new direction that the members are wanting it to go. Genter hasn’t been that provocative in the past, but I believe that she isn’t ‘left’ enough for where the party
is wanting to go in future. Also, to have such heated responses by members of the Green party, there may have been behind-the-door- disputes that were dragged out into the public. Davidson has been retweeting responses to her election into co-leader and thanking the people for support. One that has stood out as being particularly funny and shows how in touch Davidson is with the online community of New Zealand is her retweeting a user’s tweet with an Oprah meme on it. This Oprah meme has Oprah tearfully saying on video, “She is…the mother I never had. She is the sister…everybody would want. She is the friend that everybody deserves. I don’t know a better person”. This meme is widely used in appreciation of somebody and is especially used by fans of celebrities, politicians and youtubers. Davidson responded with “too funny” for the tweet, expressing her gratitude for the support. But it’s not only fan-girls of Davidson that have been getting the retweets either. Guy Williams, New Zealand comedian and television host, tweeted Davidson saying, “I’m so excited that @MaramaDavidson is the new Coleader of the Green Party! @JulieAnneGenter would have also been a great choice. The greenies will be celebrating in their traditional way: a group rubbish collection party and composting session hurrah!” With which Davidson responded with, “For real for our birthdays we go to parks and we do a rubbish clean-up #WhenJokesAreRealLife.” These online interaction marks a new era for the Green leadership as neither Shaw or Turei had this level of social media presence. The new era means there will hopefully be a wider audience for the Green Party to meet. They now have a new channel to win back voters and actually connect with the people of New Zealand and hear their concerns.
Massive Magazine presents:
Fact or Fiction Writer: Nikki Papatsoumas Illustrator: Luca Rosseels
do we eat eight spiders in our lifetime? We’ve all heard the classic old wives’ tales, the myths and stories passed down from our parents, grandparents and friends. Stories that are repeated so often, we eventually take them as gospel, without giving little thought to whether they might in fact be big porkies. Do we really swallow eight spiders in our lifetime? Do we really have to wait for 30 minutes after eating before we pop in the pool? Massive is going to debunk some of life’s greatest mysteries. We have gone right ahead and myth-busted some of the more common tales you may have heard once or twice in your life.
We have all heard the old wives’ tale that apparently you swallow eight spiders while you are sleeping over the course of your life. Speaking as someone who suffers from arachnophobia the thought of this makes my skin crawl. I spent a good part of my life thinking this was true, until someone recently told me, nope, it’s all made up. Another lie, another old wives’ tale I have clearly spent far too much time worrying about. According to the Scientific American website spiders are unlikely to ever approach a sleeping human due to vibrations caused by our heartbeat, breathing and even snoring. In fact, it is rare a spider would even find its way into our beds as they are unlikely to find prey. So, while it is very possible that you could swallow a spider in your life time, there is nothing to prove that you swallow eight spiders in your lifetime. This one is FICTION.
can you get square eyes from sitting too close to the TV screen? We live in an age of iPhones, Samsungs, tablets, laptops, Netflix and social media. The term ‘square eyes’ refers to the idea that your eyes can get effected by watching too many screens. But, can you get square eyes from sitting too close to the television screen, or laptop screen, or phone screen? The short answer is yes. According to the Washington Post, people can be hit hard with ‘computer vision syndrome’ and those who spend more than two hours a day in front of screens are most likely to suffer. The condition can leave people with itching and burning eyes, blurred vision and even sensitivity to bright light, an article from the Huffington Post says. This one is FACT.
can your hymen break if you go horse riding?
do crusts really make your hair go curly?
The hymen is a membrane which partially covers the opening to the vagina. For many, ‘breaking’ your hymen is synonymous with losing your virginity. But this is not necessarily the case. All hymens, which are much like tissue paper, come in different shapes and sizes, and they don’t ‘break’ as the old wives’ tale goes – they can stretch, tear and rub away. In fact, from the get go a hymen has a split to allow for blood to pass through. If you do your research online, you will see that many reputable sites claim you can indeed break your hymen from activities such as horse riding, cycling or other forms of vigorous exercises. Many people might find they don’t bleed after their first time having sex as they are led to believe as there is very little blood flow to the area. So, while yes, you can break your hymen during activity such as horse riding, ‘popping your cherry’ as they coin it, isn’t necessarily what pop culture makes it out to be. This one is FACT.
swimming before eating? It’s the question that plagues human kind. We were all knee high to a grasshopper when we first heard the age-old lore, don’t swim within 30 minutes of eating or you’ll drown. BUT according to the world wide web, the information your mum has been telling you your whole life might not quite be the truth. According to the Washington Post, there are no records of anyone drowning on a full stomach. Ever. It is likely the tale comes from the scientific idea that your blood flows to your digestive system once you’ve eaten. But according to the internet not nearly enough blood flows to your stomach to cause cramps and in turn, drowning. This one is FICTION.
Unfortunately, as I am sure you can already assume, there is no evidence to support the myth that crusts will make your hair go curly. Whether your hair comes out curly, or straight, is down to science. Exactly why is a hotly debated topic. Some say, it comes down to the shape of the follicle your hair grows out of. More recently a group of scientists here in New Zealand have come one step closer to discovering why our hair curls. According to Fairfax, the scientists have taken a closer look at merino sheep as part of their research. They have discovered that different cell types on either side of the strand is what gives merino sheep curly wool. Scientists told Fairfax that curly hair tends to have small cells on the inside of the curl and longer cells on the outside. The more you know. This one is FICTION.
Special mention: does chewing gum leave your stomach in a sticky situation? If you swallow chewing gum does it really stay in your stomach for seven years? The quick answer – no. This one is an urban legend.
can carrots really help you see in the dark ? Yes and no. While it won’t give you super human powers, carrots carry Vitamin A, which helps create a pigment called rhodopsin which helps to improve eyesight in the dark.
does An apple a day keeps the doctor away? This old proverb unfortunately, isn’t true. But five plus a day is certainly the way to go! And remember, eat the apple skins, it is where all the nutrients are hiding. 15
Support for exec payment increase By: Massive staff reporters The Albany Student Association (ASA) Executive say a collective $27,000 increase in their honoraria, which has now come into effect, will be of benefit to all students on the Albany campus. The decision has been supported by other Massey University student leaders across the university’s three campuses. Last year at the ASA Annual General Meeting changes were made to the association’s constitution which saw executive’s honoraria – which is paid in lieu of wages in recognition of work – increase by $27,000. At the time students raised concerns about the movement of the funds, with some arguing the executive should not be paid at all. The association will use funding provided through its service level agreement with the university to cover the increase. This year the association received $30,000 in additional funding through this agreement, although it wasn’t requested specifically to cover the cost of this increase, Albany Students Association President Jason Woodroofe says. Woodroofe says the increase in pay comes along with an increase in executive hours, which will be advantageous for students in many ways. “It allows new exec members the opportunity to get some substantial hours under their belt asap. “This is important because the sooner the exec can get on-job training and acquainted with their new role, the sooner they can get into working on
projects that really matter to students.” He says these projects include events such as the ball, orientation week, music gigs and night markets. It also gives execs more time to advocate for students' health and well-being, Woodroofe says. Woodroofe says that currently all exec members are putting in more hours than they are paid for. “We have an excellent team on the exec, everyone is really pumped to do a great job in 2018 for all of the students we represent,” he says. Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA) President Ben Schmidt says he supports the increase. “Student execs work incredibly hard for their students, and usually far longer than their requirements,” he says. Schmidt says they should be paid fairly for this work as students have to work to live. Massey at Wellington Students’ Assc. (MAWSA) President Emma Pearce says in a perfect world, being on a student association executive would be like a part time job where you get paid for the hours you do. “The roles of elected executive members are key to accurately represent students voices and advocate on students’ behalf,” she says. “I don’t blame the previous President of ASA for increasing the amount of money going to his executive, times are tough for students and every little bit of money helps.”
How much does your president get paid?
Ben Schmidt Massey University Students' Association Annual Honorarium: $30,000 a year
Jason Woodroofe Albany Students' Association Annual Honorarium: $17,000 a year Hours: 17 a week
Hours: 40 a week
Emma Pearce Massey at Wellington Students' Association Honorarium: $17an hour Hours: 15 a week
Note: President's often work more than their contracted hours. This work is unpaid.
A first-timer's guide to
comic book conventions Writer: Te Paea Hoori Photographer:Benjamin Reyburn
If you are a long-time comic book, anime or gaming fanatic, there’s a good chance you already had Easter Weekend highlighted on your calendar — for a reason other than chocolate bunnies and religious convention. Wellington recently hosted its 18th annual Armageddon Exposition. If you weren’t one of the thousands of people in attendance and you’ve been thinking you may want to roll up the next time this sci-fi, circus of sorts is in town: fear not. Your girl smashed back a bottle of rosé, dug around the dress-ups box and mingled with some of the best dressed folk in town. So, without further-ado, here’s the 411 on comic book conventions.
Tip #1: Plan ahead Just how far ahead you need to plan, all depends on how extra you want your attire to be on the day. Cosplay (which of course is a contraction of the words ‘costume’ and ‘play’) is a subculture hinging on my deep-rooted wish that every day could be Halloween. Expect
people to go all out and invest a wild abundance of time, creativity and/or money into their cosplays for events such as these. Armageddon is of course costume optional. But as the creator and passionate advocate of the adage, “it’s better to be overdressed than underdressed”, I say at least make some semblance of an effort. Anecdotal evidence (along with my own pseudo social science) concludes the following: the more obscure a character you are wanting to reference, the more
"...show some reverence for what a faux pas it is to mix up Marvel and DC." authentic you will want to be in your portrayal. The more easily recognisable (read: basic-bitch friendly) the character, the more artistic license you have. While an accurate recreation of The Stalk from Saga may have taken
more than the day and a half I had allowed myself, an incredibly loose interpretation of Selena Kyle (aka Catwoman) just required some cat ears, a leather jacket, thigh high boots, a party dress and a cage bra.* *Cady and the rest of ‘the plastics’ would have been so proud.
Tip #2: Get Your Tickets Early While Armageddon doesn’t have precedence of selling out due to the scale of the venues in which it is held, tickets to the VIP events can go pretty fast. A disarmingly convincing Jack Sparrow (who I even met in the rum tasting section of the liquor stall) informed me that the cocktail party was the event to go to. With only 160 VIP passes being released per convention, be sure to keep an eye on Armageddon’s social platforms well ahead of time to find out when tickets go on sale. If you’ve got the cash and the timing to get a pass, you will find yourself brushing shoulders with the guests Armageddon has shipped in for that expo. 19
Tip #3: Know your Slade Wilson from your Wade Wilson While it’s definitely not a prerequisite to be able to list every Robin incarnation, some rudimentary knowledge of relevant franchises might be helpful. At the very least, show some reverence for what a faux pas it is to mix up Marvel and DC. Some of the key fandoms that had a lot of presence at the event this year were these fundamental comic empires, Star Wars, Pokemon, RWBY, and a great number of video games. Check out the schedule and guest list on the event’s website and you may just find your latest obsession just in time.
Tip #4: Pack with self-preservation in mind In the word of the token ‘mum friend’ of the group, wear comfy shoes, dress in layers and stay hydrated. Even if you haven’t just skulled back seven standards prior to entry you’re going
to probably do a fair bit of walking so make sure you bring or buy plenty of water and snacks. This is particularly true if you’ve come in costume. I was advised to have an exit strategy if you plan on wearing anything particularly heavy or constricting as fainting is not unheard of at these events.
Tip #5: Come with friends and leave with more! While I ran into a great number of solo Armageddon-goers, something can be said for bringing a metaphorical safety blanket in the form of some fun friends. If your squad isn’t down, however, don’t worry! Comic conventions bring with them a great sense of community. When asking participants if they had any advice for newcomers, Joseph Maugaotega — who was masquerading as Edward from Assasin’s Creed on the day — told me [not to be] “afraid to ask people how they made their cosplay”. The
stallholders are also exceptionally friendly and happy to help if you’re looking for gifts or recommendations.
Tip #6: Don’t forget to bring your manners Lastly, just cause the costumes have you feeling like you’re walking around in Tortuga or onboard Serenity, that’s no excuse for forgetting basic social cues. Most Cosplayers are happy to pose for photographs but don’t forget to ask them prior! Same goes for physical boundaries. It’s easy to forget there is a real life human underneath that Deadpool mask — even if he insists his real name is Wade when you interview him. Wellington’s convention and Harry Potter’s beautiful Miss Bonnie Wright may have already breezed through town, but it’s not too late to get tickets to Armageddon’s Tauranga, Christchurch or Auckland events. More details can be found at www.armageddonexpo.com or check out their Facebook page.
netflix & chill this chilly season
Writer: Kezia Thompson
It’s that time of year again. The sun is going down at 6pm, you’re so close to wearing a hundred layers and your flat is super unprepared for how cold it’s going to be inside. But it’s not all doom and gloom! Now is the perfect time to cosy up inside with your significant other, or, if you’re single like me, cuddle up with a big fat bottle of vodka and throw chocolates at your laptop screen like Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. So, chuck on some fleecy $10 Kmart pyjamas, jump into bed, and binge-watch away all of your assignment and hand-in stress! Here’s 10 things I recommend Netflix and chilling with, this chilly season.
Santa Clarita Diet (2017) Drew Barrymore and Timothy Olyphant front this dark comedy as husband-and-wife realtor duo, Sheila and Joel Hammond, whose lives suddenly get thrown upside down when Sheila becomes an undead, flesh-eating, primal zombie. I will warn you now, the first episode features a mean and hearty CGI puke scene from Drew Barrymore and isn’t for weak stomachs. But is hilarious and amazing and shouldn’t deter you from watching! Season one can be a bit of a slog as it feels a bit directionless, but season two just dropped in March and has revealed little clues we might have dismissed in season one as being integral to the plot. Liv Hewson as Abby Hammond and Skyler Gisondo as their neighbour Eric team up with Abby’s parents to track the source of Sheila’s new undead status, attempt to find a cure, and figure out how to cover up Sheila’s trail of murder – girl’s gotta eat something! Come for Drew Barrymore and stay for the witty and hilarious one-liners, the intriguing plot, and the loveable Hammond family. Irreplaceable You (2018) This one’s for all of my rom-com loving saps! Irreplaceable You is a Netflix original movie and stars Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Michiel Ruisman as Abbie and Sam, who have transitioned from childhood crushes to high school sweethearts to serious adult life partners. Finally, Abbie proposes to Sam (love a good gender role reversal) only to find out that she is terminally ill with cancer. The movie follows Abbie’s hunt for her replacement as she creates a Tinder profile of Sam and meets potential women to be his next girlfriend/wife, as she’s worried about leaving Sam all on his own when she dies. It all comes to a head when Sam finds out and then a whole bunch of messy as shit happens. I won’t spoil it, but this movie is lowkey trash and only has 27 per cent on Rotten Tomatoes, However, it’s a pretty sweet movie and in the end everything gets resolved, in all of its predictable, formulaic rom-com glory. Perfect for a winter night! Black Mirror (2011) I know this show is super popular and has possibly already done the rounds on everyone’s Netflix account, but it’s worth mentioning anyway because it’s also the perfect show for re-watching. If you’re not already familiar, Black Mirror is an anthology science fiction/dystopiastyle television show that is centred mostly around technology. Listen, there’s not much I can say without giving anything away other than it’s a real fucked up show. Charlie Brooker, the creator, is one dark dude. Some episodes are super disturbing, so it’s definitely not for everyone. But it’s thought-provoking and wildly entertaining, and every episode is a new concept with a new cast and setting so you can totally pace yourself between episodes in case things get too heavy. 21
Being an anthology also means that you can just straight up skip the more messed up episodes if you want and there’s no need to watch in any order. My only recommendation is this. The first episode of season 1 is bloody awful but sets the tone for the whole show, so I would personally start out with that one and then if you can’t hack it, don’t continue because it can and does get worse. You’re welcome. Queer Eye (2018) It wouldn’t be a Netflix recommendation without mentioning this bad boy. I know that probably everyone has already watched this, but if you haven’t you need to close this magazine right now and go watch it. Queer Eye marks Netflix’s recent foray into producing and distributing more reality television content and does not disappoint as a reboot of the original 2003 series. Bobby, Tan, Jonathan, Antoni, and Karamo make up the new Fab Five as we follow them around the Atlanta, Georgia area to improve the lives of unstylish, hopeless, (mostly) straight guys. Where the old series had an emphasis on snarkily shaming men for their shitty style, this new version focuses on dismantling the shackles of toxic masculinity, discusses homophobia and racial tension in a new Trump-era America, and shows men what it actually means to be a man in 2018. There are some touching moments where the Fab Five redefine stereotypes and expectations placed on men (episode four will destroy you). But there’s also some amazing home-makeover transformations that will make you wish Bobby could overhaul your scummy student flat. Jonathan plays the fan favourite with his flamboyant personality and unwavering positivity. Watch this with your flatmates or friends for a laugh, a cry, and a feel-good time. Annihilation (2018) I’m going to be real honest here and say upfront: I did not get this movie at all. But it features a badass gang of doin-it-for-themselves women and I couldn’t not support this film. Annihilation was a big psychological science fiction horror studio film meant for a normal cinema release until, in an interesting and bold move, Netflix swooped in and bought the distribution rights for everywhere outside of America. And it shows, because it’s this wild and huge film that probably should have been showed in cinemas. Nonetheless, Natalie Portman, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Gina Rodriguez, and Tessa Thompson lead the charge as a group of military scientists into a quarantined phenomenon called The Shimmer and take us on a fucked up journey through biology, psychology, and physics. I don’t want to spoil anything because it’s one of those movies you just have to watch to get, but it will either blow your mind a little bit as you recognise the genius of it or will leave you wondering what you just watched.
One Day at a Time (2017) One Day at a Time is a sitcom-style comedy series that follows a Cuban-American family in California and deals with so many real topics that it’s hard to believe each episode is only 30 minutes long. Here’s the breakdown. Penelope Alvarez is a single mum and a former military nurse who struggles with PTSD and depression as she readjusts to being a nurse outside of a war zone. It follows her struggle to balance her job, mental health, and family but in a funny, uplifting, and mostly light-hearted way. Their outlandish landlord, Schneider, makes appearances in the apartment every day and her mother Lydia plays the role of hilarious immigrant grandma who is always up to hijinks and who helps shepherd Penelope’s two kids, Elena and Alex. Elena is a strong feminist lesbian (whose coming out arc is handled with impressive care) and Alex is the sweet and loving little brother. The canned laughter can get a bit grating, but if you get past that then it’s the perfect show to watch when you need a positive pick-meup. The theme song alone will have you smiling in seconds. Easy (2016) Easy is a hidden gem amongst Netflix’s original series line-up. Written, directed, and produced by Joe Swanberg (who is known in indie circles for spearheading the “mumblecore” movement, which will all make sense after episode 1) it’s an anthology series à la Black Mirror, where each episode follows a different storyline, cast, and setting. Unlike Black Mirror, though, Easy is way less fucked up. The stories are generally centred around love and relationships in Chicago, starring actors like Dave Franco, Orlando Bloom, Marc Maron, Emily Ratajkowski, and so many more. There’s an episode here for everyone and because the storylines are mostly separate from each other, it’s the perfect show to watch here and there when you can, although I promise you’ll want to binge this one! My personal faves are Vegan Cinderella, Lady Cha-Cha, and Art and Life. Sense8 (2015) Sense8 is a science fiction mindfuck of a show. Full disclosure: Netflix has not decided to renew it for a third season, so embark at your own peril knowing it will never get to progress into the next season. Instead, there will be a two-hour special coming sometime in 2018 to wrap up the series, after dedicated fans protested Netflix’s cancellation. Created by the Wachowski siblings (known for The Matrix) and J. Michael Straczynski, Sense8 follows eight different people all over the world that one day wake up to find they are telepathically linked to each other. They are called sensates (get it??? sensate, sense8, there’s eight of them… kinda lame, I know) and are being hunted by the evil Biological Preservation Organisation, which is the main plot of the
show as they figure out who they are and why, and how to protect themselves from BPO. Sense8 has amazing representation and deals with politics, gender, sexuality, and race in ways that never feel forced or over the top. I would highly recommend if you want to fall in love with eight characters and then have your heart broken because they’ll never get the justice of a 5 season arc like they deserve. It’s worth it. Amanda Knox (2016) This one is for all of the Making A Murderer fans out there – Amanda Knox is one juicy real life crime documentary! It follows the story of Amanda Knox, an American woman who was convicted twice and then acquitted for the murder of her roommate while on exchange in Italy in 2007. The documentary takes Amanda’s side primarily, as she is the main interview subject and positions her as a sympathetic character in the whole case, especially as she has now been acquitted. The documentary explores the murder and scene of the crime, how the media played a huge part in influencing public opinion (including how slut-shamey and gross they were about Amanda in the newspapers at the time), the mishandling of evidence by the police, and how Amanda’s behaviour right after the murder was super bizarre and pointed to guilty. This is a great one for a hungover Sunday afternoon with your flatmates – you’ll probably be fighting over whether she’s guilty or innocent by the end of it. Grace and Frankie (2015) Jane Fonda and Lilly Tomlin absolutely shine in this series about two retired women that get left by their husbands… for each other. The basic breakdown of the show is this. Grace is married to Robert and Frankie is married to Sol. Grace and Frankie are polar opposites and can’t stand each other; Grace is a prim and proper former businesswoman and Frankie is a free-spirited, kooky artist. Robert and Sol are legal partners and, in the first episode, reveal that they’ve been having an affair together for the last twenty years. Grace and Frankie coincidentally move into the beach house the two families share (which they now know was Robert and Sol’s private getaway) and thus ensues chaos, hurt, betrayal, anger, and a whole lot of comedy! Now four seasons in, Grace and Frankie have overcome their differences, have developed a strong friendship, and have even started up a business selling sex toys to older women – wild! It’s a perfect feel-good show for when you need a bit of perspective on how long life actually is and how things that feel like the end of the world now probably won’t mean shit when you’re seventy.
Artist: Isabella Griffiths
How to find your perfect match Writer: Victoria Bergin Illustration: Luca Rosseels
We all know there are plenty of fish in the sea and there is also plentyoffish.com, a reputable dating site since 2003. Despite plenty of fish and as well as sites like match.com and eHarmony being tried and true methods of finding the one, a lot of young singles turn to the newer and simpler Tinder to find a special someone. A simple swipe or two and you’ve got a match who you may or may not ever talk to. In this technology age however, it’s all about new, exciting, and shiny, so what other apps are out there, that can pique our dating interest?
Similar to Tinder, Bumble has the interesting twist of needing the woman to message within a 24 hour window - otherwise the match is removed. Something Bumble has that Tinder doesn’t offer is the specific option to look for friendship if that’s what you’re after. You can switch between both romance and friendship quite easily and even specify a profile for each.
If you’re wanting a newer but familiar app, Bumble has been making its way into the mainstream.
Although Bumble and Tinder both have the option, if you’re a wlw or a mlm there are apps out
Second year student Matilda has had her fair share of bumble experiences, saying, “I’ve honestly never met up with someone, but it’s kind of fun”. So take that as you will.
there specifically for both communities. Her has a feeling of Facebook for LGBT+ women, with a large focus on creating friendships and a place to make both small and large scale connections by also having a place to share posts not unlike Facebook’s timeline. Her is about as far as a dating app can get from Tinder, and if you’re not up for starting the conversation it will even try to get the ball rolling with suggested conversation topics. For any LGBT+ men out there, there is always the option of Grindr, which has seemed to always have a big reputation. Having won multiple awards, it’s probably worth a shot, if it’s what you’re looking for. All these dating apps may just be a bit too Tinderesque and you might be wanting something very specific in your quest to find true love. You might specifically be needing something to fit in with your crazy exercise focused lifestyle. Sweatt has you covered, however, you must enter a wait list as it is rather new and still in testing. I wish I could say more, but I’m still on that waitlist myself so you might want to wait a bit unless you really want to get in on the ground floor for some fitness fun. Alternatively, if you’re less about the gym and more about your Spotify, Tastebuds is a dating app which makes matches based around people’s music tastes. Tastebuds asks you to select favourite artists and select a song that will play when a potential match views your profile. The songs and artists you can pick isn’t incredibly broad, but it’s enough to get a good idea of what your match is into. It employs the same basic functionality of Tinder however, it’s not a subtle app when your matches song choice plays without any notice. “Cool concept, but no one uses it. Like six guys showed up and had nothing to do with my music interest, just six guys in the area. Also, the app shows you who has viewed your profile which I didn’t know until I stalked all six people, so that was embarrassing,” says short time user Lauren. So, maybe it could rival Tinder some day, but not any time soon.
Tinder would never be where you’d turn to maybe try and suss all that debt that’s getting you down. But, there is always a place for you on seekingarrangement.com. Seeking Arrangements is an average website and a hard to use app which helps to set up potential sugar babies with potential sugar daddies and vice versa. The site saw a large growth in activity in New Zealand two years ago. And with growing student debt, it might not be the worst idea, but it’s probably not the best. Maybe Tinder, Seeking Arrangement, and all these other apps just aren’t political enough, look I hear you. You’re someone who finds a real thrill in online dating when you just know that everyone shares the exact same opinions. If this is the case you can always turn to the up and coming trump. dating.com, but only if you’re a straight man or woman. Don’t get too eager though, if you want to send a special someone anything more than a wink it’ll cost you a minimum of $13.95 a month - and your dignity. When asked why she used dating apps, Veronica she’s lonely. She then admitted that she uses them because everyone else does, and that the introduction of apps like Tinder takes away the scenario where people approach each other in real life like the good ol’ days, so the best chance to find a date is online. Veronica also liked that it takes the guess work out of early dating. “A lot of apps match according to interests, and in real life it’s harder to find similarities.” If she had to pick Veronica said that at the end of the day her choice would be Tinder. “Everyone’s on it and it’s so easy to use, even a monkey could use it. Quote me on that.” However, it’s not all matches and sexy Tinder dates, if she has one fault with the app it’s when people have one photo and no bio. “They could be good looking, but I don’t know anything about you, could be literally anyone. Someone literally used Hugh Grant as a catfish, I know Hugh Grant,” she says.
MASSIVE WELLINGTON, WHAT’S YOUR ADVENTURE?
Want a free feed? Then we want you! Massive wants lovebirds to sign up for our new blind date column! Who knows, maybe you’ll meet your perfect match! firstname.lastname@example.org
Massive is the student magazine for all Massey University students. If you would like to contribute in any form, please do get in touch. We’re keen as.
LAYBY YOUR FLIGHTS TOURS AND BEACH BREAKS
Are you longing to find your soulmate?
STA Travel Wellington 130 Cuba St I 105 Willis St I 106 Courtenay Place
we want you* email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org
illustration writing photography opinion
Entry 2: As whelming as being a Bolivian Mum (and similar cranial conundrums):
Many a time, I have pondered the term: whelming. Usually with different prefixes, such as ‘over’ and ‘under’. But can you ever just be whelmed? Uncle Google gave me the definition of overwhelming as: To bury or drown beneath a huge mass of something. Lovely. He also gave me the definition of underwhelming as: Fail to impress or make a positive impact on (someone). Awesome. Whilst both definitions sound rather morbid, it seems to me like there is quite a girthy gap between the two. Which leads me to wonder: If one can be overwhelmed, and one can be underwhelmed, can one just be whelmed? Now I’m no etymologist, but surely such a concept is possible? There must be some kind of middle man between the two extremes. The other day, I was with a group of fellow ponderers and we were expending our collective cranial coalescence in the quest to debunk this enigmatical conundrum. Between ourselves we managed to come up with a theory that encompassed our ponderings. First, a definition from Uncle Google: The butterfly effect: The butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in
one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state. Now, to dumb that down a bit, I’ll give you a (potentially hypothetical) example: Imagine you were strolling down Cuba Street in lovely Palmy Nought on August 7, 2007 at approximately 2.37pm. And for some unexplainable reason, you suddenly take three steps to the left and find yourself faceto-face with a Bolivian human of rather attractive proportion. This small little interruption in the space-time continuum of things could have rather drastic effects on your present day situation. Instead of reading this article, you could be sitting outside a caféein the Bolivian capital of La Paz with your seven kids, chin-deep in a meal of classic Bolivian Saltenas. If that doesn’t light your candle, I don’t know what will. After much chinwagging, my fellow ponderers and I came to a conclusion. There is nothing quite as whelming as being a Bolivian Mum. TL;DR: Time travel can whelm you beyond your wildest imagination. Until next time, Todd Not your average ponderer
"It'll look great on your CV!" Writer: Mackenzie Dyer
It’s 5pm on a Friday, and like the last scene of The Breakfast Club, you are throwing your arm in the air as you taste the sweet freedom of the weekend. Sure, you still have to work on your assignment tomorrow, and to turn up to your part-time job on Sunday, but for just one evening you might be able to chill. Ah, such bliss. Just before you leave uni, you check your phone and open up an email notification, with the weight of your mistake setting in. Innovation…cutting edge… just what employers are looking for… and the cruncher: An opportunity that will look great on your CV. 31
It must be really great then, right? Especially considering they don’t pay anything, want full availability and write their pitch like the whole of New Zealand is applying for it. Well, you better do it. You’ll have time in your work breaks and in the ten minutes between classes to fill out the application, and then if you get it… eh, cross that bridge when you come to it. You buy into this descriptive fluff and throw yourself in, because if nothing else it will add some glitter to your resume, even if it is at the expense of your grades, sleep and your well-balanced hauora. As you soldier on through your mountain of extra-curricular responsibilities, the overwhelming bombardment of what your resume should look like continues. You get told by one expert that you should volunteer for 18 hours a week at an animal shelter because your employer will probably like cats (even though you study accounting) and then somewise guy swoops in with a , “oh, didn’t you know that your CV is only meant to be on one page? They won’t look at it otherwise”. No matter what font you artistically try to cram on that document, there is no way that the free work will fit on it. You consider sacrificing your contact number for your own sanity. You know what, maybe you should quit it now so you can focus on other things… if only quitting didn’t look bad on your CV. Well people, I think we’re getting played. From volunteering, internships, club committees or
whatever extra-curricular activity, there is always someone in your ear with this classic line ready to leach onto your free time as suck it dry. Ever since the latter years of college, there has been an expectation that we obsess over our resumes like they’re our golden ticket into the chocolate factory of our dreams. After years of this message gracing our ear-waves more than Khalid on The Edge, I find myself becoming very sceptical, and wondering if most of these ‘rare opportunities’ are just a fancy way of saying ‘free labour’. Of course, if your activity of choice truly benefits you in experience or if you genuinely enjoy it, it makes sense to do. However, according to the pitches we get, every extra-curricular is relevant to what we want to do, because apparently everything needs innovation and all of the other modernday employee buzz words, and we simply need to differentiate ourselves from the next person. It’s almost like you aren’t allowed to do university without being on the brink of a Brittany Spears 2007, because being on top of your work apparently means you have time for something else, making us feel obliged to take on everything that comes our way. Or do we like it like that? Students can be just as bad at re-circulating these unfair ideas about what you ‘should’ do in the form of subtle competition. See, if you decide against all of the propaganda to solely focus on university, it only takes a simple, “yeah just finished an internship with GRRU
for the KDT programme to help with my HCSU application,” in reply to a, “what have you been up to,” to make you feel like you made a bad decision. Then you can surge forth into moralistic arguments, like how free work is just not financially doable for some students, so can only the rich have self-less saint applications? Then a true blue New Zealander joins the pub discussion, adding that you do not deserve a saintly title if you are only doing these things, so you can brag to the all-important employers about your good deeds like a child nagging, “look at my picture!” Are you really a good New Zealander if being a humble Kiwi is not the most important thing? It would seem we have reached another one of those, ‘you can’t win’ conclusions. You are either looking great on paper but are potentially getting taken advantage of, having a life but being told you won’t get hired, or just sounding like a rich, pretentious over-achiever in a culture of the staunchly modest. So students, let’s put ourselves first and defiantly ignore everyone but our guts. Who knows what will happen if you free yourself from these expectations… you might even be as rebelliously preposterous as to not have a LinkedIn and still get a job (sorry, Business School). The formulaic strictness of what your CV ‘should’ look like is long gone, so it is time to let the content follow suit so it portrays you the way you want it to. 33
it is just a
Carrying around weightless crap Think you know all that? Kidding yourself as a "professor" But you don't even have your act together When you are around me Like I don't know who I am When I was with you I am ready to flush you down the loo Holding onto what I thought was true Hanging onto the idea that we would meet again I wonder, how can we ever be friends? You have wasted my time Gave up too quickly (are you scared?) When fix-ups come to show (you're so weird) You blocked my number and I'm like "ok fine" Just when I'm doubtful *sigh* You come back around and prove me wrong bit by bit But maybe my friends proved you right You are not who you were Failed, tripped, and dipped It is just a bit shit - Melissa Ng
bit shit M
COLUMN Who am I? I’m The Unlonely Woman, a Massey student who decided to start a blog because of how her dick-head ex cheated her… oops, I meant treated. I blog about everything from sex, single life and feminism to life in general. For my very first Massive column I am going to talk sugar daddies. So, sugar babies and sugar daddies/mummies. What do we know? According to Seeking Arrangement (a site dedicated to sugar daddies here in New Zealand) a sugar relationship is defined by a sugar daddy who provides financial assistance to a sugar baby. With this in mind I thought fuck it, go on a date with a sugar daddy for the column. I previously interviewed a whole lot of sugar babies for the blog so I kind of knew what it was about. So, I created a profile and sure enough started talking to a couple of sugar daddies. My first connection with a sugar daddy is completely cringe worthy and I needed one of my male flatmates to help me with my responses. So, sugar daddy number one is 70 years old. Our chat started like any normal convo, how’s ya day going etc. But it turned very quickly into the sugar daddy wanting me to call him daddy. The only person I can call daddy is my actual dad. Sugar daddy number one then started asking if I was sub. Now if you don’t know the sugar daddy lingo, sub is short for submissive. For the column I sort of went along with it and said, “daddy what do you want me to be?” I started every message with, “hey handsome daddy” (all thanks to the help of my flatmate). Every message got worse. He kept telling me he wanted to spoil his princess - me. Now this is the part that was hard for me. I’m my own woman. I don’t need no man to buy me things. Even when I go on actual dates I pay for myself. So, when a man says he wants to buy me things it really doesn’t do anything for me. He said he wanted to provide for his princess and enjoy my company. I stopped replying the moment he asked for my phone number. Because just no.
the UNLONELY woman
Sugar daddy number 2 was really sweet. We just started off chatting like you would on Tinder, asking what each other does and so on. We chatted for a few days and in all honesty, he was really lovely. This dude was actually really enjoyable to talk to, so much so I began to question myself. Could the Unlonely Woman actually become a sugar baby? Could I simply get paid to date someone? I started getting really nervous about it all. So, I took myself by the ovaries and asked him if he would he like to meet up for a drink to go over an arrangement, to which he said yes. Curious as to what he was looking for I questioned him further. He told me he wanted to meet up twice a month to go out for dinner and a drink, then have me stay the night at his. I asked if we would have sex. He told me he would want to get intimate, like you do in any normal relationship. He offered a $1000 a month. In all honesty I froze. I pulled the plug. I never intended to have sex for money. There is nothing wrong with it if that’s what you want to do. I
always say as long as you're safe, happy and not hurting anyone, do whatever the fuck you want. But I wasn’t happy doing this. I have a very close friend who actually was a sugar baby and my opinion of her did not change - she’s still the strong, beautiful and independent woman I know and love. So, what are my thoughts? Honestly, like any online dating site I guess all these people want is companionship, on their own terms. They want someone to see every now and then, just like you do in any relationship. But they want to keep it at that. I fully understand why people do this and in no way do I think sugar daddies are bad people. Like my mate says, this thing is business. My warning to anyone thinking about doing it is don’t be oblivious. Yes, they will buy you dinner, but safety always comes first. Always let someone know when you go on a date and always meet in public for the first time. For more columns like this and previous interviews I’ve done with sugar babies head to theunlonelywoman.com. 35
Good Cop, Bad Cop
Why hello, I am in quite a predicament, I have recently joined a local church and my soul has been realigned with the higher ups. I no longer drink, smoke or gamble. Now here’s the thing. My naughty nana is coming up for a bit of a visit, and yeah, I am very concerned. She is such a bad influence on me, she SMS messaged me the other day saying, “you better take me to the fuckin pokies while I’m up and suss me some ice.” I don’t think my new self is prepared to see my nana, but I still want her in my life. What should I do? Ok, well this is quite concerning. On one hand you don’t want to mess up your new positive lifestyle but on the other hand you don’t want to distance yourself from your nana. My advice would be to sit down with her and tell you about how you are feeling about all of this, let her know about how you have changed. I’m sure she will understand and will keep her controversial lifestyle away from you – GC
Hey there, I went to the orchestra last night with my mate who is an orphan with malaria. Whilst there my mate tripped over a saxophone and broke his leg. When the ambulance rocked up, they decided to not treat him and told us both to get fucked. Now my malaria mate has a broken leg. I did a first aid course years back but can’t remember fuck all from it. What should I do to help him out? Ditch him. He sounds like he’s pretty fucked to be honest. You could just send him down to us at the station and say he’s on bath salts and we can lock him up. I mean it would be better him being here than at a hospital taking away a space from someone who deserves to be there. No one likes waiting around a hospital, especially if someone with malaria is in there before you. Once you drop him off with us, go to burger king or some other shit and have a feed to make you forget about your mate, as we will keep him in here a long time – BC
DISCLAIMER: While our Good Cop and Bad Cop have your best interests at heart when playing Agony Aunt, remember they are no experts. So, if you are after serious medical or legal advice, please consult a professional.
Have a picture worthy of Massive fame? Send it through to email@example.com 37
Lit Fam or Shit Scam? Carolina Reaper Writer: Kasharn Rao
I don’t quite know why I do these things to myself. Maybe my brain has been warped by a lack of fruit and vegetables. Considering these days that produce costs about the same as a psychology textbook, I wouldn’t be surprised if others were in the same boat. The world needs more vegetables, especially now that Stephen Hawking has passed away. So, in the pursuit of a healthier diet, what better vegetable to eat than the famous Carolina Reaper? Known far and wide as the hottest chilli in the world, this spicy boi was grown in South Carolina as the result of an unfortunate Tinder matchup between a Red Habanero and a Bhut Jolokia. Peppers are measured in Scoville Heat Units (SHU), so just to give a sense of how hot this thing is, a jalapeno sits at about 1000 SHU, while the Carolina Reaper sits at about 1.5 million SHU.
one must take when inserting such a lethal plant into one’s orifice. If you are prone to asthma attacks or anxiety attacks, then this pepper is not for you. You could put yourself in serious danger so stay well away. If you have a low spice tolerance, then give this one a miss. How do you tell? Try eating a handful of Cayenne peppers and see how you feel. If it just tickles, then maybe you have a chance.
You think you’ve braved the spiciest dish at your local Indian restaurant but that’s a easier job than having your face melted off. I happen to have quite a high spice tolerance, I’ve conquered many dishes in southern India, but nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. I’d heard from a friend that you could get them for fairly cheap online, and I managed to find a nifty online store called Leo’s Pantry. It was quick, painless, only cost me seven dollars, and my Reaper arrived in the mail a few weeks later, ready to claim my soul.
I was feeling pretty good about all this, I organised a time to live stream it on Facebook, because I’m a mega attention whore, and got on with my life, ignoring my impending doom lying in wait on the bookshelf. The day arrived, and I made sure I had eaten a large meal of fish and chips. Slow digesting food with lots of fat to prevent me injuring my stomach. I had eclipse mints, Gaviscon, painkillers, and milk. Milk as a cure to spice was always interesting to me. People always say to drink milk as opposed to water, but I never really asked myself why. Luckily, we have Google nowadays to do everything for us. Turns out milk contains casein, the antidote to capsaicin, which is what causes the heat in chillies. Capsaicin latches on to your taste buds and sends signals to your brain, telling it to experience heat and pain. This stops animals from eating the peppers but doesn’t stop foolish young whippersnappers. The casein in milk binds itself to the capsaicin, and tugs it free, neutralising it.
Although I’m very stupid, I’m also not stupid. I knew that there could be health risks involved, so I thoroughly researched the pepper and all of the precautions that
Some of you may have seen the video on my Facebook page, and if you haven’t, I’m sure you’ll have a blast. I had my flat mate time five minutes after I popped it in
my mouth, until it ended, I wasn’t allowed to touch any relief. So now, the part you skipped half this article to read. At first it was fine, actually kinda tasty. I chewed it thoughtfully, then swallowed. By now it was getting pretty hot as I knew it would. Like having to work in retail, every second it got worse and worse. Your brain can only imagine levels of pain and heat that it has experienced before, so each time the pepper grew hotter I thought to myself, “surely this is it?” Dear God no. Before long I could barely speak. Tears were splurting out of my face, my eyes were a lovely shade of crimson, and I was drawing in ragged breaths like I was giving birth to knuckles the echidna. I felt like I had just eaten out Satan’s asshole. When my flat mate informed me that I had a minute and thirty seconds to go, I swear I nearly leapt out of my chair and punted him across the room. Not only was it unbearable, it wouldn’t stop growing hotter.
"The world needs more vegetables, especially now that Stephen Hawking has passed away." Then, at the peak of my nightmare, the Carolina Reaper reached my stomach. I can’t think of any substance known to man that would cause more heat within a human body other than KJ Apa.
When the timer finally ended after twelve years, I gulped down the milk, but it would only provide a few seconds of relief before the pain returned. I tried the eclipse mints but legitimately couldn’t taste them. I popped a few Gaviscon, hoping it would cure my stomach, but honestly, I was at the stage where if there had happened to be a man made out of ice cream in the room, I would have gladly given him a blowjob. Ten minutes and one litre of milk later, and my mouth and throat had finally calmed down. My stomach was wrought with red hot chains and would be for the next hour. However, I had done my research well, and eventually it passed, leaving me a shallow husk with only the memory of what a fool I’d been. The next morning in the bathroom I discovered I had turned into some kind of reverse dragon, but that was to be expected, and it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Conquering the Carolina Reaper was definitely worth the respect I got. If you think you can handle this, I’d highly recommend giving it a try. It’s an experience you’ll never forget, but you feel a strong sense of accomplishment afterwards, which makes up for your failing grades. I rate the Carolina Reaper 5/5 KJ Apa’s, therefore it’s Lit Fam.
Next Issue - Benchin’ It.
Movie Review Ready Player One
TV Show Review Girls Incarcerated
Despite the M rating, Ready Player One is a film that anyone from tweens to adulthood can enjoy with a soundtrack picked to get your foot tapping whilst watching. It is an account of a future where humans rely on the Virtual Reality world of the Oasis for happiness since the physical world has fallen apart. Oasis Creator James Halliday (Mark Rylance) passes away, leaving behind a set of challenges â€“ the first to gain all three wins the deed to the entire Virtual Reality World and subsequent wealth. Young Wade Watts (Tye Sheridan) plays as Parzival online in the world of the Oasis. He wants to win the Easter Egg for glory, but his plan is complicated by the politics of the world he lives in. A masterful fusion of live-action film and video game animation, the tale is visually displayed with great style. Nods were given to some generally popular video games, but also more obscure ones only fans would understand. Films were also referenced heavily, making this a film full of popular culture. At times, the film was cheesy and dragged on, although that could be the product of appealing to a wide target market. But the overwhelming impression upon leaving the cinema was positive I recommend it to everyone - Emma Rzpecky
A television show about quirky female prisoners locked up for ranging offences: sound familiar? Girls Incarcerated could easily be described as the non-fiction version of the celebrated Orange is the New Black. The first season of the documentary series follows the lives of juvenile female prisoners at Madison Juvenile Correction Facility in Indiana, USA. They pick out girls with colourful tales who are unashamed to share them on a popular television streaming service, which does bring a certain personality to the table. But it does seem like an honest account of their lives and the realities of the juvenile prison system. The stories of the girls incarcerated at Madison are troubling. Often their crimes were a product of environment (do as your parents do) or a circle of reoffending they canâ€™t pull out of. Despite the girls we meet in the show being in maximum-security juvenile prison, there is definitely a human connection made with them through the documentary maker that the audience can heavily relate to. The girls are only 14-18 years old and they have been proven capable of horrendous acts. I would encourage people to view this show to get an insight into their minds, decisions and mannerisms - Emma Rzpecky
Booked In: Chapter Three Turtles All The Way Down
I came across John Green’s latest novel Turtles All the Way Down one Sunday afternoon, for $20 on the top twenty shelf in The Warehouse. I already knew of it and had filed it away on my ‘maybe I’ll read it sometime’ list, like the unread John Green books I already own. But, it was only twenty bucks; a friend had recommended it to me; and I like turtles. Spoiler alert: there are no actual turtles. There’s a tuatara, though. Like John Green’s other books, Turtles All the Way Down is about teenagers being teenagers and learning life lessons. Sixteen-year-old Aza struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder and anxiety. She and her best friend Daisy hear about the disappearance of Russell Pickett, billionaire and father to Aza’s childhood friend Davis—more specifically, they hear of the $100,000 reward for any information leading to Pickett’s whereabouts. Daisy convinces Aza to do some detective work, which leads to Aza reconnecting with Davis. Everywhere she goes, however, Aza’s own mind torments her, trapping her in inescapable ‘thought spirals’ and convincing her again and again that the callus on her finger must be infected. This is my first John Green book, and, as I understand it, his most personal. Being that he suffers from OCD himself, I think it’s safe to assume that many of the more intense sections of
the book, dealing with Aza’s mental illness, are inspired by personal experience. His descriptions of Aza’s ‘thought spirals’ are downright visceral. If you’re prone to anxious thoughts, or particularly empathetic (or worse— both), then these parts of the book are almost disturbingly immersive. This is part warning part praise. It takes some powerfully evocative writing to be able to project such a specific experience. I was also impressed by Green’s ability to capture the teenage voice. Young adult novels are rarely written by actual young adults, and as such the dialogue often comes off as ‘trying too hard’ or ‘these teenagers don’t sound like teenagers’. Speaking of teenagers being teenagers, however, I have read some other reviews which point out commonalities across Green’s books, wherein his teenaged protagonists are uncannily philosophical. This was definitely something I’d picked up on myself: these sixteen-year-olds were sharing existential thoughts that didn’t occur to me personally until I was at least eighteen. Some books focus on plot, others on story. The lynchpin of Turtles All the Way Down is definitely Aza’s personal story, with the fugitive billionaire plot taking a back seat. It’s a compelling read, and you certainly don’t have to be a teenager or suffering from mental illness to be able to read it—even if that something is just a little more empathy and understanding - Peri Miller 41
Music Review 22, A Million / Bon Iver
Bon Iver’s third album 22, A Million is a far cry from his previous simplistic, folk-orientated work. It’s laced with processed vocals, synths, samples and innovative production techniques, though the essence of him is still very much there. His songs 29 #Strafford APTS and 0000 Million are familiar, driven by piano (and guitar) and his beautiful, melancholic voice. Each song is so beautifully constructed it feels like they are tailored just for me in that they somehow know exactly how I am feeling. It then becomes very therapeutic, it’s almost as if the songs are listening to me and I am being comforted in some way. The album is also quite hypnotic and meditative, I find myself in a trance when I listen to the songs 21 Moon Water and 8 (circle). There’s a song for every occasion it seems, from sitting out in the garden in the warm sun, or inside on a cold day, perched by the window watching the world go by. I’m still in awe of his potent, poetic lyrics, even though I sometimes can’t understand a word he is saying. I love the line in his song Over Soon, “there I find you marked in constellation / there isn’t ceiling in our garden / and then I draw an ear on you / so I can speak into the silence.” The song 715 Creeks is one of my absolute favourites. It’s merely acapella, though it is heavily manipulated with the use of a prismizer that harmonises to the melody in the most gutwrenching, beautiful way. The voice becomes deep and robotic and seemingly auto-tuned. The realm of music in which I listen to is very particular and small, like keeping a few good, loyal friends, but on the odd occasion I will branch out and try something completely new and add it to my collection if I really love it. Bon Iver is well and truly on that list - Zoe Jennings.
Hi everyone! Well, we’re now past the halfway mark of semester one, it’s crazy to think how fast this year is going already. If you think about it, we’re a quarter of the way through this year of study. I hope everyone had a lovely Easter and enjoyed their two-week holiday. I know it’s supposed to be a ‘study break’ but on top of doing assignments and
trying to earn that cash money, make sure you pals take some time and spend it with friends and family (quality ‘me’ time is a must as well). I can’t wait to see all your lovely faces when semester one starts back up. Much love,
COOL BEANS Blackberry Crumble Muffins with Lydia Hill
These moist, lightly sweetened muffins are great to take along to uni on those days where you have a mere $1 in your account and can’t afford anything from the uni cafe. With their fibrous content, they’re sure to keep you full during the day. Or at least a few hours. They require only basic ingredients that we all should have handy in the pantry. And they’re vegan!
Preheat your oven to 180C and grease a muffin tin with extra margarine. In a medium-sized bowl, combine the soy milk and apple cider vinegar and leave to curdle for 10 minutes – this will form a buttermilk substitute. In a larger bowl, combine the dry ingredients, minus the sugar. Add the canola oil, vanilla essence and sugar to the milk mixture and stir to combine. Slowly add the wet ingredients to the dry and mix with a spatula to combine – be careful not to over mix, some lumps are fine. Carefully stir in the blackberries. For the crumble topping, combine all ingredients and mix until a sandy texture forms. Pour the muffin batter into the muffin tin and sprinkle a generous amount onto each muffin. Bake for 15-18, or until a toothpick inserted into the centre of the muffins comes out clean.
For the batter: 1 cup all-purpose flour 1 cup wholemeal flour 2 ½ tsp baking powder ¼ tsp baking soda ½ tsp salt ½ cup raw sugar 1 tsp vanilla essence 1/4 cup + 1 tbsp canola oil 1 cup soy milk (or any non-dairy milk alternative) 1 tsp apple cider vinegar 1 ½ cup frozen blackberries For the crumble topping: ½ cup rolled oats ½ cup all-purpose flour 3 tbsp Olivani margarine 2 tbsp raw sugar 43
TRUE or FALSE? 1. As far as has ever been reported, no-one has ever seen an ostrich bury its head in the sand. 2. The Great Wall of China is visible from the moon.
Can you SUDOKU? The outcome of your attempt at these puzzles corresponds to your productivity levels over the mid-semester break.
Easy (Easter chocolate recovery)
3. A slug’s blood is green. 4. Hotmail was launched in 1996 5. Alliumphobia is a fear of garlic. 6. The ‘black box’ in an aeroplane is black. 7. ‘Fauntleroy’ is the middle name of Donald Duck. 8. In ancient Rome, a special room called a vomitorium was available for diners to purge food in during meals. 9. Popeye’s nephews were called Peepeye, Poopeye, Pipeye and Pupeye. 10. Virtually all Las Vegas gambling casinos ensure that they have no clocks.
1. T, 2. F, 3. T, 4. T, 5. T, 6. F, 7. T, 8. F, 9. T, 10. T
Hard (Initialising common sense)
HOT OR NOT?
HOT: GUCCI tees
HOT: Stan Walker’s new EP HOT: McDonald’s Chicken & Bacon McMuffin
HOT: Hurricanes > Crusaders
HOT: Hot water bottle
NOT: Grammarly ads
NOT: Jeans with chains NOT: Glasson’s HUCCI tee
NOT: Riverdale’s love triangles
Your Asstrology with ASSTROLL the Mystic “Lol lol lololol… lol.” Can you guess which politician we are referring to for each horoscope? Send through your guesses to firstname.lastname@example.org and be in to win a kick ass prize. Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
You could encounter someone with a very closed attitude to asstrology this week, Aquarius. Remember your ass’ is perfect.
Ask. Them. Out.
Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20 This week, someone will disagree with you. They may be right and you may need to apologise. Do so willingly. Unless you are right, in which case drag that bitch to hell.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20 Congratulations Aries! This week you will have a baby. If you don’t, the stars are wrong and you’re probably adopted. Sorry no offence but it’s trueeee byeeee.
Taurus Apr 21 – May 21 Be a good friend this week by hanging out with your friends, listening to them when they speak to you, speaking to them, getting coffee, omg let’s go to mishmosh yeh i dont really like mishmosh either but it’s fun when you’re drrruuunkkk like just for a laugh.
Gemini May 22 – Jun 21 Your emoji this week is vomit face lol sorry bowt it I don’t make the rules I just predict them.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23 Uggggh cancer you are the WORST. Petty bish.
Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23 General truism that could apply to literally anyone.
Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23 You’re keen to make a bold move in your love life, Libra. In this case, love life can be applied metaphorically since you’re forever alone. Wah #ready2mingle #ilovebeingsingle #tilimnot #theneveryprofilepic #ismeandmyboo.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 23 You will feel a mix of emotions this week, Scorpio. Except for robot scorpios, who just wish that one day they will feel love. Scorpion shaped robots, cooooool #mynexttattoo.
Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22 Autumn is coming (maybe). Forage for mushrooms.
Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20 Use more lube, the labia will love you for it. Safe sex always. Only for you though not the other signs they can get riddled with gonorrhea BAI.
Wednesday Massey Deal!
Any Burger w Crinkle Cut Fries $10 10 Murphy Street, Thorndon 5 Majoribanks Street, Mt Victoria www.thechippery.co.nz Available every Wednesday. In-store only and limited to one meal per ID card. (Normal retail $17.50)