Massive: Issue 09 'Money' by Massive Magazine

Belly button virginity

OK now I'm nobody to judge or shy away from fetishes (usually). But this experience was probably one of the weirdest.

So, I'm living overseas, and it was a second date. There is a bit of a language barrier as neither of us speak either language well. But the vibes are still good. Me and bro decide to go back to my apartment. I can tell he's a bit nervous but don't really think much of it. We're just cuddling on my bed and talking. I can tell he wants to go for the kiss but doesn't do anything, so I make the move instead. All good. Everything is normal.

Things are escalating as usual. Then he starts to kiss his way down towards my pants... but stops at my stomach. Now it's kind of an unspoken rule that every girl hates her stomach, so I am surprised but thought maybe he's trying to make me comfortable.

Then I feel it and squeal. Bro fuckin sticks his whole ass tongue in my belly button. Worst feeling in the world. Especially unprompted. He asks if I'm okay and I awkwardly just try to encourage him to take my pants off, or even his pants. Anything other than what just happened.

He then informs me he refuses to take his pants off because he's embarrassed from jigging in them about five times [Editor's note: WTF is jigging?].

It has been like half an hour... max, of making out and being a bit touchy. Okay, all good, a lil suspicious but fine. I say it's fine we carry on. He goes BACK to my stomach. I be upfront. Tell him I'm not enjoying it. We move on, fuck. It was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. I figured he just hadn't had sex in a while as his ex was six years ago, and he hadn't done anything since then.

You'd think this would be end of story.

I then am informed a week later that he has a stomach and belly button fetish AND that was him losing his virginity at the age of 33.

I am 22.

A. I didn't know he was that old. B. I would have probably guided him way more if I had known the circumstances. And C. Why did he not think to inform me of said fetish.

I think I know why he hadn't lost is V card until now.

heyyy... make an anonymous submission at massivemagazine.org.nz/sexcapades

long-time mascot. He is also a sex god, alpha ram and horned up fuckboy.

I respond? Should I accept the cash?

I'll be your sugar daddy... Jk I have no money. I'm just a ram.

However, I have mad respect for all sugar daddies. They are the epitome of what it means to be a man. My wallet is only full of hay and condoms - in fact I don't even have a wallet. But if I had any money, I'd be using it to give lavish gifts to all the women in my bed.

The closest I got to being a sugar daddy was when I laid my claim on a particularly nice spot of hay. I was raking in the ewes - letting them eat my hay, licking their hooves, bleating at them all seductive-like. Best week of my life.

I dream that one day, I can be a real-life silver fox sugar daddy. But considering I have white wool and (once again) I’m a ram, it might be a bit out of reach. Still, a ram can dream.

But while I might look up to these sugar daddies in your DMs, there's a few things for you to consider before deciding if you'd like to accept.

1. Can you tolerate an older man?

2. Can you tolerate a man?

3. Can you tolerate dating someone the same age as your dad?

If your answer is yes to all three then maybe you should think about accepting one of those fellas into your life. However, avoid anyone with the same name as your dad, uncle, or grandad.

Trust me, it gets real awkward when you begin moaning your great gran Mildred’s name when you’re ramming.

HOROSCOPES

OROSCOPES

CANCER

Buy a plant this week Cancer, and make sure you put all your love into it. See how much it grows, and then maybe you’ll feel inspired to grow up.

You’ve officially posted more body checks than you’ve had hot meals this week. Yes, your body is the blueprint, the thesis, the peerreviewed study - but babe, you’re doing too much. Step outside.

CAPRICORN

I don’t know how you keep slaying your workload like thistruly, no crumbs left. But those under-eye bags? Screaming for help. Maybe let a task or two wait and reacquaint yourself with sleep before you start hallucinating emails.

VIRGO

I’m all for your humble act

AQUARIUS

You’ll have a boost of productivity this week. But you'll channel it to the wrong places, like finishing that show with way too many seasons. Don't be an iPad kid, at least eat dinner without a screen.

This week’s meteor showers have stirred something deep within you. You're reflecting on who truly belongs in your inner circle, and who you’re ready to open your heart to. Trust your intuition. It’s leading you toward the connections that matter most.