Restoring Families Facilitator Guide by Living Free, Inc.

Restoring Families

Overcoming Abusive Relationships Through Christ

Facilitator’s Guide

By Janet M. Lerner, DSW

Communications should be addressed to: Living Free Ministries, Inc. P. O. Box 22127 Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

All rights are reserved. No part of the material protected by this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the Living Free Ministries.

ISBN 13: 1-58119-031-X

ISBN 10: 978-1-58119-031-1

Cover Design: Graphic Advertising Layout: Louise Lee

Facilitator’s Guide:

About the Author

Dr. Janet Lerner is a seasoned Christian and an experienced clinician who has given direction and clinical supervision to church leadership to develop and implement a ministry for women who were sexually abused as children. Under her leadership and through much prayer and the guiding hand of the Holy Spirit, she has helped start small group ministry to men who are sexual abuse survivors and to men and women who have experienced a variety of violent family experiences as children.

Dr. Lerner received her doctorate in Social Work Research from Columbia University School of Social Work and is an Administrator of Research and Development in a substance abuse treatment organization in the South Bronx area of New York City. In this capacity she conceptualizes and secures licensing and funding for substance abuse, maternal and child health, medical, and social service programs.

Dr. Lerner has a private practice for Christian women, children, and families and serves on the boards of the Bronx Perinatal Consortium, Integrated Behavioral Health Services IPA, Brooklyn Teen Challenge, and Mott Haven Agenda for Children Tomorrow Collaborative. She chairs a committee for the Center for Substance Abuse Treatment, Women and Children’s Residential Programs Initiatives; is listed in Who’s Who in Human Services; is a charter member of the American Association of Christian Counselors; and belongs to the North American Association of Christian Social Workers.

Restoring Families

Overcoming Abusive Relationships Through

Forward

Preface

Getting Started

Suggested Group Format

Session 1 Healing and Abuse

Session 2 Making God the Father

Session 3 Christ-Esteem

Session 4 Abandonment

Session 5 Addiction and the Destruction of Families

Session 6 Spouse Abuse—Victims and Batterers

Session 7 Children of Abuse—Victims and Co-Victims

Session 8 Wounded Emotions

Session 9 Forgiveness and Repentance

Session 10 From Control to Intimacy

References

Some gifts come wrapped in beautiful paper, but the gift itself has little value. Dr. Janet Lerner has prepared a gift for those who come from damaged families—it’s a special gift which offers help and healing.

Restoring Families: Overcoming Abusive Relationships Through Christ sets before you an opportunity—go down this path and you gain understanding about your past. Even more important—you can experience God’s healing from damage caused by family violence, abuse, neglect, anger, adultery, and more.

Dr. Lerner has developed this course out of years of small group ministry in the local church setting. This course is designed to point men and women to Jesus, the one who truly has the power to bring healing to impossible situations.

This course may be a painful path for those who have deep hurts in their past—but it’s a path of hope. No matter how deep the pain, Jesus can bring real healing.

This path may seem too frightening to go alone—that’s why this course is designed to be used by a small group. As we help one another through these difficult steps, God’s healing will bring us to greater peace. This course can become one of the best gifts you’ve ever received.

David Batty, Missionary, Global Teen Challenge

Preface

Using This Book

This curriculum is for use in small group ministries to survivors of family violence. As such, it covers a wide variety of topics. Each topic should be covered in one group meeting. If more time is required to cover a particular topic, it can be extended for an extra week.

The structure of the ministry is 10 sessions. Once-weekly group meetings are recommended. The ministry should be based on prayer from the very beginning. Before group leaders are trained and before participants attend groups, they should all be coming to weekly prayer meetings to pray for their healing, to pray for the ministry, to pray for the leadership of the ministry to have wisdom and direction to help them, and to pray for those who will be coming for help.

Sessions

Each session is designed to discuss a specific area of concern: for example, the damage done to the family by parental adultery. The Word of God helps us understand the impact adultery has on our lives and points us toward Jesus as our healer. Participants will read the material and look up the Bible verses outlined in the written material. They will briefly write their understanding of how these scriptures apply to their lives. A brief repetition of the material for the week is presented at the beginning of each session. Discussion will follow.

Many group members will have had families where adultery was a problem. They will have their own experiences. We will discuss topics like adultery to help people identify the intense feelings and dysfunctional perceptions and behaviors that resulted. Once these feelings and behaviors have been identified, we will bring them to Jesus and ask Him to be Lord over them in our lives. We will repent of dysfunctional behaviors, ask God for discernment and healing, and forgive those who have abused us. All of this is a process that takes some time. We will ask Him to help us overcome, forgive, and change.

Things to Remember

From time to time, a group member will discuss a sin with which they are currently struggling. The Word of God says “confess your faults (sins) one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16 KJV).

Two things are critically important to keep in mind when this happens. First, we must keep the environment of the group such that people feel safe to expose themselves—and their sins—and know that they will not be

rejected. Second, we must NEVER condone sin. In love, we should help the person face the sin as sin, hate the sin—without hating the sinner—and confess and repent before the Lord.

Group Leaders

It is recommended that group leaders have some experience with family violence. This means they may have issues that linger even though they have had a significant healing. Group leaders should meet monthly for mutual support and concerns.

Since laws vary from state to state, we recommend that you call child protective services or the police department to get guidelines on mandatory reporting in your area. Most states now have requirements for mandatory reporting.

The most important qualifications for work in this ministry are Christian maturity and a solid, daily walk with God. Personal daily bible study and prayer life are the foundation for each group leader. Attendance in a biblically sound church is equally critical. Past experience with family violence and significant healing from the wounds experienced are very important.

Group leaders should go through group material as a participant before leading a group. The most important ministry skills used to lead the groups are reflective listening and open-ended questioning. These skills are easily learned. Living Free offers Living Free—a video training series as a helpful resource.

A strong commitment to attend weekly group prayer meetings for the ministry, to be available to group members who are in crisis, and to be willing to reach out to those who may be struggling in attendance at groups is required. Group leaders should fast and pray to be sure they are called to serve in that capacity. Group leaders generally feel totally inadequate to do this work. They are, but He is not. God is the healer, and the Holy Spirit will bless the faithfulness and commitment of the ministry when each person seeks Him with their whole heart.

Those who think they can do it themselves because they are trained professionals, etc., need to spend more time seeking God before they begin this work. God can guide the humble in His ways because they will get out of His way so He can.

Participants

Attendees are asked to keep a journal and make entries at least three times weekly. Entries should be related to the healing process. Later, as they look back at how the Lord has

worked in their lives during the ministry, this encourages them to press on. Church attendance is an important aspect of the healing process. Worship and praise are fellowship time with God.

Finally, the weekly prayer meetings are helpful in the healing process. They offer a time when individuals can get extra support and encouragement. During prayer, special private needs can be lifted up in agreement with one of the prayer warriors of the ministry. They are also taught intercessory prayer for those children who are in abusive homes and for God to move on those who are abusing children to bring them to repentance, accountability, and healing.

One Final Note

This ministry is developed for everyone who is a victim of family violence. The assumption is, however, that the participant is not currently experiencing family violence. Many people who are in the throes of a battered spouse situation may come to the ministry. Any church putting this ministry in place ought to identify some resources to offer to those who are in this position.

This ministry is not a substitute for medical or psychological care. Participants should not be advised to stop taking medication or discontinue their doctor’s care.

Getting Started

Group Size

We suggest that each Restoring Families group have 2 group leaders (facilitators) and a maximum of 12 participants. Having more than 12 may prevent some from being a part of much-needed discussion.

Preparation Time

The facilitator’s material is written in an almost word-for-word dialogue. However, it is hoped that as you come to know and understand the concepts presented, you will be able to “personalize” each session to fit your own style better. Highlight the points you want to emphasize and make notes for yourself.

Your group is unique—so adapt questions to their needs and situations. Be sensitive to each person who is in your group.

Keep in mind that the answers provided for the discussion questions are there only as a tool to assist you and may not be the only “right” answers to the questions being asked.

Become thoroughly familiar with the four elements of each session:

• Introduction

• Self-Awareness

• Spiritual Awareness

• Application

You will find more detail about these on the following pages.

The facilitators should meet prior to each session to pray and make final plans. They should also meet briefly after each session to discuss what happened during the meeting and go over any follow-up that may be needed.

Restoring Families Group Workbooks

Before Session 1, the Restoring Families Group Workbook should be distributed to each group member. Facilitators should be thoroughly familiar with the workbook before the first meeting.

During the orientation, you will encourage group members to complete the appropriate assignments prior to each group meeting. Through the readings and other exercises in the workbook, group members can come to each session better prepared for meaningful discussion.

Suggested Group Format

The group format for each session consists of four elements: Introduction, Self-Awareness, Spiritual Awareness, and Application. There is a reason for each phase. The facilitators should always plan each session with this format in mind.

Part I Introduction (10 minutes)

Begin with prayer. The facilitator may pray or may ask one of the group members to lead in prayer. After the prayer, a sharing question helps put the group at ease and makes the members more comfortable in being a part of the discussion. The lead facilitator should respond to the sharing question first, followed by the cofacilitator. This helps the group members to feel safer in participating in the exercise. After the facilitators have shared, the group members will share one after another around the circle. Always remind group members they are not expected to share if they do not wish to do so. The rule is that everyone works within his or her comfort level and is welcome to pass.

This is not the time for detailed conversation, so ask the members of the group to keep their comments brief. If a person is obviously in pain during the exercise, the facilitator should interrupt the sharing and pray for the person in pain. After prayer, the exercise may resume.

Part II Self-Awareness (20-25

minutes)

After the sharing question, the facilitator will lead the group into the Self-Awareness phase. Self-Awareness is a time to discuss the practical issues involved in Restoring Families. It is important to stay on the subject matter. This is a time to focus on needs and healing, not to have a “martyr” or “pity party.”

It is suggested in SelfAwareness that the facilitators ask the group members to share as they wish rather than going around the circle as in the introduction phase. This is because people are at various comfort levels, and they should not feel pressured to self-disclose if they are uncomfortable. As the group continues to meet, members will feel more and more comfortable in being a part of the discussion.

Remember, prayer is always in order. If a group member is hurting during this phase, stop and pray. One of the facilitators may lead in prayer or ask another group member to pray. This says to the group members that each one is important and that you care about each individual.

Part III Spiritual Awareness (20-25

minutes)

After the Self-Awareness phase, the facilitator will lead the group into the bible study time. Having briefly explained the topic, the facilitator

should assign Scriptures listed in the Facilitator’s Guide to group members. When each Scripture is called by the facilitator, the group member should read the verse(s). After the verses are read, give time for discussion.

Part IV Application (20

minutes)

This part is actually a continuation of Part III. Ask for volunteers to share their reflections on the question. The facilitators should emphasize the importance of the group members’ applying biblical principles to their lives. Help begins with right thinking. The Bible says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). Obedience to the Word should follow with right behavior. Right feelings will follow right thinking and right behavior.

1Session Healing and Abuse

Introduction

Opening Prayer

Sharing Question

Welcome to the Restoring Families group. I would like to begin this first session by having each of us in the group introduce him/ herself. I will start by telling you that my name is . . .

Allow 10 Minutes

Praise God for His grace to heal and for bringing together those in need of healing who are willing to face the pain of the past. Ask Him to anoint each person for healing and to help the group leaders set themselves aside so that He can work through them.

Have each member of the group introduce him/herself. Ask each to briefly define their reasons for coming to the group and what they hope to get out of this experience. The facilitator should begin the go-around.

Self-Awareness

The goal of this course is to help individuals identify emotional barriers and destructive behaviors they may have developed as a result of violence in their homes. In the following 10 sessions, we will discuss aspects of family violence and the healing power of our Lord Jesus Christ as He works in our lives to bring about wholeness.

Violence and abuse, especially in the home, are increasingly being exposed. Media attention and public outcries have riveted attention on child neglect and abuse, sexual violence, psychological maltreatment of children, rape, mate beating, mistreatment of the elderly, abandonment (both emotional and physical), and other forms of abuse.

Abuse is difficult to define because the term covers so many kinds of physical and psychological maltreatment. Following are the definitions of family violence used in this book (taken partially from the American Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act of 1974).

Allow 20–25 Minutes

Child abuse involves the physical or mental injury, sexual abuse or exploitation, negligent treatment or maltreatment of a child under the age of 18 by a person who is responsible for the child’s welfare and under circumstances which indicate the child’s health or welfare is harmed or threatened thereby.

Mate abuse most often targets the wife as the victim and includes deliberate physical assault, threats of violence, emotional abuse (including ridicule, demeaning behavior, and neglect) and forced involvement in sexual acts.

Child as co-victim often results as a child watches his parents abuse one another. Particularly destructive results occur when a child is fearful that the abuse of one parent by another may result in losing one or both parents to death or imprisonment.

Verbal abuse and labeling usually accompany the other forms of abuse described above. This form of abuse intrudes upon and shapes the thinking of the victims to make them feel it is their fault that the other forms of abuse happen to them. It sets people up to feel inadequate and ashamed of themselves for reasons they do not understand and cannot change. The victims become defensive because they cannot tolerate the feelings of wretchedness and shame that occur when they are reminded of their inadequacies. Labeling often leads to self-fulfilling prophecies through which the victims act out that prophecy unconsciously.

What is one example of the damage this abuse caused in your life?

Examples: Feel betrayed, anger, fear, lack of trust, etc.

We all know some of what happened to us. We are all too aware of the pain we experience and the memories that haunt us. We feel the shame, fear, anger, and grief brought about by the painful events of the past. What we often do not know is how these experiences are holding us captive today.

To be set free from the past, we will begin by discussing what our experiences have been. In our small group(s), we will begin to bring out into the open, often for the first time ever, the events that refuse to go away, refuse to be forgiven and forgotten. The body of Christ is present in the groups in the form of leaders who will minister to the deeply wounded. God’s way is usually to use the wounded healers to help others who have had similar experiences overcome the devastation and painful consequences of the past. The healing process is so much easier to accomplish when you know that the person with whom you speak has a frame of reference for what you are saying.

By talking about the events and feelings of the past, we are bringing them out into the open where the light of the Word of God is able to dispel the lies and heal the pain attached to them. We are not creating negative emotions. The negative emotions are already there. They are controlling us because we do not want to allow them out for fear of the pain attached to them. By bringing them out into the light in a supportive, godly environment, we remove the power they have over us, and we can be set free from their binding effect. We do this because, although the past is forgiven and covered by the blood of Christ, often it is not surrendered or forgotten and needs to be dealt with. However, please understand, you should never feel pressure to share beyond your comfort level.

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

With the help of the Holy Spirit, we incorporate these difficult events into our present so that we can put them behind us. We begin to identify behavioral and spiritual responses we have learned to use to protect ourselves. As we bring these to the Lord, we ask Him to show us how to change and invite Him to work in our lives to conform us to His likeness.

The Holy Spirit works to show us what we may be doing that continues negative behaviors such as defensiveness and contemptuous responses. When we take these responses and other behaviors to the Lord in repentance, He is there to heal us and to help us change.

S piritual-Awareness

We will read through the following Scriptures and look for references to help us understand repentance and the healing process.

1 Peter 5:7

How does this verse help us deal with our past?

Matthew 11:28-30

What comfort do these verses provide for the weary and burdened?

Allow 20–25 Minutes

Ask for volunteers to look up scripture and read when it is time.

Matthew 7:7-8

Jesus has told us what to do. What did He say?

2 Chronicles 7:14

What prerequisites for healing are set forth in this verse?

We never repent for what happened to us because it was not our fault we were abused. We do not repent of protecting ourselves and the mechanisms we used at the time to stay alive. However, we do repent of:

• Allowing fear to continue to rule in our lives instead of trusting God for His ability to protect and guide us.

• Trying to control every situation instead of leaning on the Lord and trusting that He is in control.

• Criticizing and condemning ourselves and others as we learned from those who criticized and condemned us.

• Putting up barriers to intimacy with God and with our brothers and sisters in the Lord.

• Walking in unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, rage, anger, any other form of malice.

God wants us to cast our cares on Him.

Jesus wants to give us rest, carry our burdens, and replace our heavy yoke with a light one.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Humility, prayer, seeking God, and turning from wicked ways.

Be sure to explain that we do not seek forgiveness for what has happened to us. We ask to be forgiven only for our unforgiveness and for those “protective mechanisms” we have put in place that act as barriers to the fullness of life in Christ Jesus.

Jeremiah 15:19

What is our responsibility in the healing process?

God says, “If you repent, I will restore you” (Jeremiah 15:19).

Participants should ask the Lord for grace to forgive others as He has forgiven us. As we forgive others, we are freed from the bondage of unforgiveness and enter into a fuller, more intimate relationship with the Lord and with others.

Application

What do you want to receive from this small group experience?

It is important to understand that during the healing process, we will face some painful memories and some difficult experiences within ourselves. God is our greatest source of comfort. Go to Him and He will comfort you by His Spirit who is living in you. If you are unsure of your salvation, we would be pleased to pray with you at any time.

Allow 20 Minutes

Personal response.

After going over the restoration process, help people to begin to identify those areas where they can see the need for restoration. Pray with them for God to work in their lives. Give the group members the assurance that you are available to pray with them and be a channel of Christ’s love to them in the coming weeks.

Closing Prayer

Thank God for the comfort He provides in our times of need. Ask Him to make us sensitive to opportunities this week to share that comfort with others.

2Session Making God the Father

Sharing Question

What are some of the obstacles we encounter when we try to understand how God can be a father to us?

Allow 10 Minutes

Thank God for the faithfulness of each group member. Recognize His presence. Ask Him to help each group member discover the personal meaning of 2 Corinthians 6:18, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters.”

Personal response.

Self-Awareness

As the healing process unfolds, we become aware of certain feelings we have had in the past about God that keep us from experiencing a full relationship with him. We examine our feelings about where He was when we were abused and how He could let that happen.

For many of us, we find it is hard to see God in the role of father as most often that is the person who abused us. We have many feelings about the word father, but most of them are negative. These feelings and reactions need to be addressed if we are to heal from our past abuse.

Placing God in the role of Father is a basic tenet of Christianity. However, I have known good Christians who love the Lord very much but wince at the thought of calling Him Father. They will allude to the Father as creator or God or the Almighty, but they resist all attempts to get them to acknowledge Him as their Father. We must come to terms with this issue if we are to grow as Christians. Our resistance to acknowledging the Father is a barrier to

Allow 20–25 Minutes

This chapter is designed to help participants look at the barriers they have to recognizing God as their Father. God wants to have the most intimate role in our lives. As the Lord exposes our barriers, we can let them down and embrace Him as Father. Discuss what barriers people have that keep them from wanting to put God in the Father role. Sometimes the term “father” is associated with pain. If that is the case, then we must address each reason for avoiding “father” and allow the Lord to heal those areas of hurt. As we do, we will feel differently toward our earthly father and more able to have that very intimate relationship with our heavenly Father.

having an intimate, loving relationship with our Heavenly Father. We must face our feelings and allow the Lord to hold our hand and comfort us. As we face the anger, hurt, and pain caused by a negative father figure, God is able to replace these emotions with His love. The result is healing. Allowing God to be our Father makes it possible for Him to be our healer. It opens us up to forgiveness, repentance, and trust. We can enter into His rest and be comforted.

How would you describe your relationship with your father?

As we recognize the resentment and bitterness we have, we take it to the cross and accept the forgiveness from God that awaits us. Learning to trust God enables us to have the confidence to learn to love and share.

Personal response.

What would you want an ideal father to be like?

Personal response.

How easy or hard is it for you to see God as your Heavenly Father?

Personal response.

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

How does Isaiah 49:15-16 proclaim God our Father’s love as greater than natural affections of a loving mother?

He can never forget us.

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me” (Isaiah 49:15-16).

Spiritual-Awareness

Pay special attention to what the Scripture has to say about God our Father’s all-surpassing love for His children.

Psalm 68:5-6

What does God promise the fatherless, the widows, and the lonely?

Allow 20–25 Minutes

John 14:9-11

What does Jesus say about His relationship with His father?

2 Corinthians 6:18

What is the promise the Father gives to us?

God promises to be our father and our defender. He knows how important a family is and sets those who are lonely in families.

Jesus also told us He is in the Father and the Father is in Him. He tells us that to know Him is to know the Father. As we learn about Jesus, we learn about the Father and about healthy relationships between fathers and their children.

“I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters.”

Isaiah 66:13

What does God promise to you?

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.”

They can make God their husband.

Galatians 3:29; Ephesians 3:6

“If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise” (Galatians 3:29). This heritage of God as father is not limited to any special people. “This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 3:6).

What requirement is necessary to be a part of this great heritage?

Matthew 6:9-13

How easy or hard is it for you to relate to this prayer Jesus taught us to pray?

One must belong to Christ.

Personal response.

Application

Does God seem close to you or distant?

What needs to happen for you to have a closer relationship with God?

Allow 20 Minutes

Personal response.

Closing Prayer

Ask each group member to take a moment to ask God to reveal Himself to them as Father and to help them to become more like Jesus and look to Him as their role model.

Thank God for His love and that He is greater than all human relationships. Thank Him for His promise not to forget us. Thank Him for the love He shows us right in the middle of our hardest times. Ask Him to make these truths from His Word a daily reality in our lives.

3Session Christ-Esteem

I

ntroduction

Opening Prayer

Allow 10 Minutes

Ask the Lord to help members to have an understanding of who they are in Christ Jesus. Ask Him to lay a foundation of Christ in us that we can hold on to and draw strength from in the days to come as we face the past abuse.

SSharing Questions

How did you see yourself when you were a teenager?

Personal response.

elf-Awareness

On the cover of his popular book, Christ-Esteem, author Don Matzat says, “What we need is Christ-esteem, not self-esteem!” It is important for us to understand that our personal worth must be based on a relationship with Jesus Christ. Having been created in the image of God means we have great self-worth.

Abuse, whether physical or verbal, erodes confidence and selfesteem. We begin believing what we are told about ourselves; we think that anyone treated so violently and abusively must deserve it. These beliefs are accepted early in life and become part of the initial screen through which all information is processed. Even if abuse occurs when we are older, the intensity of the experience makes it a formidable opponent to positive self-image.

What kind of negative verbal messages were given to you in your past?

How have these messages affected you?

Allow 20-25 Minutes

The goal of this session is to help participants lay a foundation of understanding about who they are in Christ Jesus. By doing so, they have something to draw from when they look at the past and feel the pain of their experiences. Knowing who we are in Christ Jesus enables us to take our eyes off of ourselves and begin the process of putting our eyes on Jesus. As we do, He is able to heal us.

Personal response.

Examples

• Distant

• Angry

• Cold

We need to look at self-worth because we do not want to respond defensively to others and hurt them as we are hurt and because God does not want us to walk around feeling we are worthless and of no value. After all, He stretched out His arms and died for us, so He has already demonstrated how valuable we are to Him.

If we base our self-worth on anything other than what God says about us, His love for us, His promises to us, and who we are in Christ Jesus, we will never feel good enough because we are not. But He is! And in Him, so are we.

How do you see yourself?

How does this differ from what God says about us in His Word?

As we begin to review and think about who we are in Him, we understand that our focus, where we put our eyes, needs to be on Jesus and not on ourselves. Self-concept and self-esteem become Christ-concept and Christ-esteem. A godly self-concept is seeing myself the way God sees me (precious, loved, special). When I see myself as God sees me, the more accurately I see

Personal response.

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

What conditions does God put on His love for us in Ephesians 2:4 and Romans 5:8?

What are some of the messages you heard from others which made it hard for you to see yourself as God sees you?

• We are wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

• He loves us (Romans 8:37-39).

• He will not forsake us (Hebrews 13:5-6).

He did not wait until we gave up our sins to die for us and make a way for our salvation.

Examples:

• Failure

• Ugly

• Stupid

• Not smart

S piritual-Awareness

myself.

Let us look through the Bible and find scripture verses that tell us who we are in Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 5:21

What wonderful thing did Jesus do for us? How does that change our lives forever?

James 1:18

What role do we play in His creation?

1 Peter 2:5

How is God preparing us for the future?

Ephesians 2:10

Do we have a purpose?

Romans 8:37

Are we victims in Jesus?

Psalm 8:5; Matthew 10:30; Psalm 139:14

These scriptures speak to the specific, individualized, and particular attention God pays to each and every one of us.

How does God show us His value of us?

Allow 20-25 Minutes

He who had no sin was made sin for us so we could have right standing with God.

He made us the firstfruits of His creation.

We are living stones that are being built into a spiritual house.

“We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

No. “We are more than conquerors.”

He made us a little lower than the angels; He numbered the hairs on our heads; we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Personal response.

Application Allow 20 Minutes

What do these scriptures mean to you?

Now that we have talked about how God sees us through His Word, we are ready for each person to have the opportunity to share what good qualities we see in each other. We will do this in what is called a Positive Feedback Circle. In the Positive Feedback Circle, each person sits quietly while the other members of the group—one at a time—tell in one sentence something good they see in him/her. The person should not respond to anything said about him/her until all participants in the circle have given feedback.

Begin with a volunteer or someone you think would not mind going first and ask them to be on the first person on the hot seat. The person to their left should begin giving feedback, and you will go around the circle until everyone has had a chance to share briefly what that person means to them, how they have touched them, or something personal and loving about them. This is a time to share love one for another.

After everyone has shared what they think of the first person on the hot seat, allow that person a moment to share what they are feeling. Then move to the first person on the right and allow the previous hot seat participant to begin the feedback circle.

When everyone is finished, allow participants to briefly talk about the experience.

Select a favorite scripture verse that tells us how God feels about you and describe how it has been a help to you in beginning to see yourself as God sees you.

Closing Prayer

Personal response.

Ask group members to spend two or three minutes meditating on what they have learned about themselves from the Word and from the group. Ask God to help them use this time of learning to renew themselves as they face the pain of the past. Pray that God will give each one a fresh understanding of who we are in Him and how much He wants to care for us and comfort us. Ask the Lord to help us remember from last session how much He wants to be our Father and give us an awareness of His love, steadfastness, and care for us. Ask Him to help us remember that He has sent a Comforter to walk with us through this journey to healing that we are undertaking and that He will complete His work in us.

4Session Abandonment

Introduction Allow 10 Minutes

Opening Prayer

Sharing Questions

Did you grow up without a father or a mother in the home? Did you have both parents present but felt little or no connection to them? Were you raised by a grandparent or other relative? Did you spend time in a foster placement or orphanage?

S elf-Awareness

In this session, we talk about abandonment as a form of family violence and look at what kind of life problems we may have because of it. Abandonment may not initially seem to be a form of violence, but as we see the impact it has on children and the kind of grief and pain that may result, we see it is not that different from other forms of family violence.

Abandonment leaves a child wondering what they did to cause the parent to leave. Even though reality clearly places the responsibility for the abandonment on the parent, an abandoned child believes differently. Children think they are responsible for everything. If a parent leaves, it is their fault. Today we are going to look at that belief.

Did you experience abandonment as a child, and did you struggle with thoughts that this is your fault?

Ask the Lord to help us to remember that He is our Father and that we have the Comforter to be closer than a brother to us as we face our past losses. Pray that those who have experienced abandonment by a parent would be able to draw strength from our heavenly Father as they feel the pain associated with that loss and allow the Lord to show them how it has affected their lives.

Open the discussion with these questions and allow several people to share their experiences briefly.

Allow 20-25 Minutes

The goal of this session is to bring into the open the effects of abandonment on our lives, discuss how Jesus would have our lives to be different in the future, and apply the healing of His Word to our pain.

Personal response.

While mothers and fathers are both capable of abandoning their children, in today’s world there are many more fathers who are no longer part of their children’s lives than there are mothers. The absence of a parent leaves a hole in their children’s hearts that is difficult to heal. Where fathers are absent, mothers tend to be overwhelmed and unavailable because raising a family is more work than one person can handle, so the child is often without nurturing and intimacy with either parent even though one may be present in the home.

In Father Hunger, Robert McGee suggests three types of absent parent:

• The parent and child live in the same house and see each other every day, yet the parent is unable or unwilling to love the child and share time and intimacy with him/her.

• The parent is rarely around due to divorce, workaholism, or other distractions. It is impossible to form relationships with someone who is never around to relate to.

• The child does not know his/her parent because he/she either left when the child was very young or the mother did not identify him or know who the child’s father was to begin with.

Have you seen these types of relationships in your family? Describe.

We need our parents’ love. We need to know them and know about them so we can understand how they have influenced and affected us. McGee says that without this kind of relationship, we develop an emotional hunger that is in many ways like physical hunger. This hunger is compelling and demands that we satisfy it. When we are unable to meet this need through healthy channels, we use sin and self-destruction as a substitute. We must learn to turn to our heavenly Father to fill the void. He is our Father and His love is greater than the natural affections of a loving Mother as we learned in Session 2.

The desire to have a good relationship with our earthly parents is normal. If we have this relationship, we still need a relationship with our heavenly Father, but we are not driven to act out in selfdestructive ways to satisfy our need for God, and that normal relationship will facilitate our accepting salvation and receiving God as our Father.

Many of us have had little or no relationship with our earthly fathers and mothers. For example, male children who had no father figure have questions about who they are as men. Their image of themselves as men is defined by the good or poor role models of their fathers. Men growing up without fathers tend to become just like their absent fathers; then they hate themselves for it. Poor gender identity creates vulnerability for other difficulties, homosexuality as well.

Personal response.

Women’s relationships with men are likely to become distorted when there is no father in the house. They often feel driv-en to promiscuity to meet that need. Some avoid men altogether and/or develop distorted perceptions and inappropriate expectations of men and fantasy relationships because of it.

When the mother is absent or inaccessible, children often grow up without nurturing and do not learn to be nurturing parents themselves. Men who have not had a mother do not learn how to relate to other women.

Women who grow up in a home where the mother is absent often end up without a childhood; they become the mother of the house at an early age and end up raising a family before they are raised themselves. Young men who grow up in a home where the father is absent are at risk of being thrust into the position of the man of the house before they are ready to assume that responsibility. In both situations, the danger of incestuous relationships is another possible difficulty.

How is your relationship with your parents?

God’s Word can provide comfort and healing from abandonment. Let us look at what He has told us of His love, faithfulness, and commitment.

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

For Christians, the absence of a father often creates even more serious problems. An inexpressive or absent father makes relating to our heavenly Father more difficult. The biblical role of the father, for example, was to see that his children knew of God’s love and protection. Men who have not had this godly model of fathering will struggle to be the men God has called them to be and will find themselves continually discouraged by their inability to understand and act on things that others may take for granted.

Personal response.

Spiritual-Awareness

God has the answer to the questions we do not even seem to be able to ask. We can fulfill our need for a father by learning to turn to God, to Jesus His Son, and to stand on His promises as we develop a personal, father/child relationship with Him.

Joshua 1:5

What does the Lord tell us in this verse?

2 Corinthians 6:18

Read what He says about us in this verse.

Matthew 11:28

How can we enter into His rest as He tells us in this verse?

Psalm 23

This passage is a very comforting and restful message. Describe the comfort and rest it brings to you.

Hebrews 13:5-6

These verses provide promises. What are they?

Allow 20-25 Minutes

Ask participants to mediate on what God means when He says He will be with us and will never leave us or forsake us.

Again, ask participants to meditate on what God means when He says He will be a father to us, and we will be His sons and daughters.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Personal response.

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.”

Some of you may have been abandoned by fathers or mothers or even both parents and raised by grandparents or in foster homes. Others may have felt abandoned by everyone including God.

The problem of fear and anger toward an abusive earthly father inhibits the capacity for many people to reach out in trust to the heavenly Father (father figures are inherently distrusted). The solution is to focus on Jesus, our friend and brother who said that whoever knows him knows the Father.

How has the Lord helped you to face and handle the abandonment you experienced as a child?

Allow 20 Minutes

Are there any remaining areas where you need healing? Is there anything you can do to open the door for the Holy Spirit to come in and heal these wounds?

Personal response.

Looking at the emptiness many experience as a result of an absent parent can leave participants feeling raw inside. Be sure to ask everyone how they are feeling as the lesson is brought to a close. Some may need individual prayer and comfort. As you close the session in prayer, be sure to follow up with those who may be having a particularly difficult time with this topic. Pray with them one-on-one after the session and call them during the week to pray with them and to let them know you are concerned.

Closing Prayer

Blessed Heavenly Father, we are so grateful you do not just leave us where we are but you draw us closer to you and conform us to your likeness. We thank you we are dearly loved children and joint heirs with Christ Jesus. We are not alone because you will never leave us or forsake us. You will not abandon us as our parents may have. Help us, Lord, to have a revelation of your love for us and of your faithfulness to us and set us free from the bondage of the past.

Session

Addiction and the Destruction of Families 5

Introduction

Opening Prayer

Sharing Question

What scripture(s) have you thought about this week?

S elf-Awareness

The goal of this session is to look at the many ways addiction affects the lives of those who are living in a home where a parent, in particular, is in bondage to an addiction. As we discuss addiction’s distorting and corrupting influence on the family, we understand that this is not what God wants. We have an enemy who has set out to destroy us. He uses addiction as a powerful weapon to rip families apart, make homes unsafe for children to live in, and create a constantly changing upside- down world from which children are thrust—reeling and vulnerable—into adulthood.

Allow 10 Minutes

Pray that the Lord will help each one deal with the pain and disappointment experienced growing up in a family where addiction was present. Ask Him to help us face the things we have done and the habits and behaviors we have developed because of our family experience. Ask the Lord to heal our wounded emotions, relieve the shame and guilt we feel, and correct the distorted perceptions that have developed because of the chaos of our growing-up years.

Personal response.

Allow 20 – 25 Minutes

Many of us grew up in families where alcohol and other life-controlling problems were present and accepted as a natural part of life. Many of those same families were host to physical and sexual abuse and many other bizarre events and acts of violence and aggression. These acts left us fearful and unable to open ourselves to intimacy with God and with others. We developed and continue to fall back on many self-destructive and protective mechanisms that distort our perceptions and limit our ability to respond appropriately to the world around us. Even more critical, these dysfunctional behaviors infect and distort our relationship with God.

Alcohol and other life-controlling problems are so strongly connected to the many distorted and dysfunctional events and behaviors in our lives that we must look at addictions as an area of abuse that must be addressed if we are to be free to enter into the fullness of a relationship with God. We begin by looking at the impact of addiction on our relationships with our families, friends, and the Lord.

What impact has life-controlling problems had on your life?

How did you learn to survive in that dysfunctional environment?

Addiction distorted our perceptions and taught us to protect ourselves from the traumatic events that were going on around us. We learned to not trust, not talk, and not feel. We took on roles to keep the family intact that are now destroying us. God wants to heal us of the trauma, distorted perceptions, and inappropriate responses to people and events that control our lives today.

Addictions have taken a terrible toll on children who grow up in the crazy environments that evolve where they are present. They take over and become the organizing factor in the lives of all of the members of the family. So many different experiences are possible that participants will not only have experienced each of the areas of concern discussed next, but they may also add some of their own to the list.

In her book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Janet Geringer Woititz discusses the enormous impact addiction has on the family. We focus on the impact of alcoholism because it is the most pervasive drug of abuse. Understand, however, that abuse of illegal drugs carries with it all of the problems of alcoholism and the added influence of antisocial lifestyles and criminal activity.

Dr. Woititz says that addiction opens the addict to self-destruction, but it has an even greater impact on those who depend upon him/ her. Children of alcoholics grow up in homes with an excessively dependent parent who is:

• Unable to express emotions.

• Has little tolerance for frustration.

• Is extremely emotionally immature.

• Has high levels of anxiety in their close relationships.

• Has low self-esteem which is often compensated for by grandiosity.

The parent isolates him/herself from the family, requires perfection of themselves and others, and is ambivalent toward authority. Guilt and shame play a major role in organizing their personality and character.

Common problems of family members include childhood sexual abuse, inability to trust which leads to constructing barriers to intimacy, and addictive behavior in other forms as well as alcohol abuse. Children of alcoholics learn to live by these three rules: don’t feel, don’t talk, don’t trust.

Although alcohol is a major cause of problems in the home, life controlling behaviors can be just as destructive. For example, adultery can be the source of much heartache.

Those who grew up in homes where fathers and/or mothers committed adultery find themselves with a distorted understanding of marriage and have difficulty trusting marriage partners. Some have repeated the sins of their fathers or mothers and are paying a price for this sin in their own lives. They still have to deal with adultery to be set free even if they themselves have never stepped over that line. They also need healing for the effects adultery has had on their lives.

Our past will continue to control our present unless we face it and come to terms with the sin of adultery which we may even have seen as acceptable for our fathers. We must acknowledge the sin, face the ways in which we have dealt with it in our lives, and repent. Jesus has already paid the price for our freedom.

To see the impact of adultery on a family, let us look at David in his relationship with Bathsheba. This adultery cost him a valiant and faithful warrior, a baby, the virtue of his daughter, two of his

sons’ lives, the fidelity of his wives, and the soundness and meaningfulness of his son’s rule over Israel as well as impacting future generations throughout history.

In 2 Samuel and 1 Kings, we read of the impact of adultery on the family of David. David’s adultery initiated damage that caused conflict between the Lord and the house of David.

What are some of the external pressures we must avoid if we are to practice sexual purity?

Adultery has a tremendous impact on families. It leads to divorce which causes children to be placed in the difficult position of choosing between parents. Children of divorce are insecure about their parents’ marital relationship. The message sent to boys and girls distorts their perceptions of marriage and often lead them into adulterous behavior.

Specifically, adultery creates fears within the adult child that must be confronted. For example, it leads to fears of intimacy, betrayal, death, unimportance, abandonment, etc. These fears work on the minds of adult children to pressure them into adultery as a perceived protection against disaster.

Boundaries are an area of concern for people growing up in a family controlled by addiction. All of the needs of family members are submitted to the need of the addict and the chaos he/she brings to the family. First, fuzzy boundaries keep us from knowing where we end and others begin. We tend to become more enmeshed in the problems of the addict than they are. When others hurt, we become overwhelmed by their pain. We are unable to say no when no is the right thing for us to say.

Even Jesus separated himself to be alone. He set limits to show us that we must set limits. Boundaries are lines, not walls. As we learn to set boundaries, we are able to better handle helping others because we are not overwhelmed by their pain. At the same time, we are able to retain our own uniqueness and integrity.

The lack of boundaries causes families to splinter responsibilities to various family members causing them to focus more on one part of their personality development than on the others.

Children in troubled families learn three rules of survival. Claudia Black, in her book It Will Never Happen to Me, discusses children of alcoholics and the three rules they learn: don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel. We have observed that children in dysfunctional families learn not to talk about the problems, not to trust anyone, and not to feel. They do not talk about the problem because if they do, family members will blame them for stirring up trouble. The dysfunctional family prefers to pretend things are better than they are, and they will punish anyone who confronts them with the truth.

Examples: Movies, pornographic magazines, TV, cultural values, lifestyles, etc.

They are afraid the truth will only cause more problems. Children in these families learn not to trust because most of the promises made to them are broken. Dad may promise to take a child to a sporting event, but instead of keeping his promise, he becomes intoxicated. Children learn not to feel because they do not want to suffer any more pain.

Children in troubled homes also develop roles they plan in order to survive and cope with their pain. These roles are commonly labeled the Perfect Child, Rebellious Child, Withdrawn Child, and Mascot or Clown Child.

Sharon Wegscheider, in her 1979 work Children of Alcoholics Caught in a Family Trap, describes four roles: family hero, scapegoat, lost child, and mascot. We have also observed these roles in other dysfunctional families where the problem was not alcoholism.

These childhood roles are often carried forward to adult life (Lee and Strickland, 72).

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

Read Psalm 40:1-3. Being raised in a dysfunctional family may seem like a slimy pit or being stuck in the mud.

Describe the hope these verses provide.

God will “set my feet on a rock and give me a firm place to stand.” He will give me a new song.

piritual-Awareness

We will search the Word for healing scriptures that apply to families of addiction.

Ephesians 5:18; 1 Corinthians 5:11

What does the Word say about the use of alcohol?

How are we to relate to drunkards? Why is the Lord cautioning us against association with drunkards? How does that apply to association with our own family?

Allow 20 – 25 Minutes

Luke 21:34

Is addiction something we have to watch out for ourselves?

Romans 13:13

This verse tells us how we are to behave and what we must avoid.

Describe

How do we know that addiction is not God’s way?

“Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.”

He calls us to avoid association with drunkards and puts them in a category with those who are sexually immoral, greedy, idolatrous, slanderous, or a swindler. We are not even to eat with these people. When it comes to our family, we are to behave in such a way that we encourage them to the Lord, but we are not called to destroy our own lives while trying to hold them together.

We are to be careful or our “hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness, and the anxieties of life, and that day will close in unexpectedly like a trap. ”

We are to behave decently and always act as if we are being watched by others. We must do nothing in secret or in darkness. We are to clothe ourselves with Christ and deny the sin nature.

His Word tells us over and over again to avoid it and the many acts of the sinful nature associated with it. The Apostle Paul writes, “I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12).

Galatians 5:19-21

What acts of the sinful nature may be associated with alcoholism and other addictions?

How can these acts of the sinful nature affect our perception of what is normal?

Personal response.

Examples: We may see sexual immorality, impurity, discord, factions, etc., as normal.

Isaiah 59:1

God is able to change our lives and the lives of those we love who may be in bondage to addiction.

What hope does this verse provide?

Ephesians 5:3-7

What emphasis does Paul place on the avoidance of sexual immorality?

God’s arm “is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.”

Personal response.

He says that “there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality.”

Proverbs 6:32

Solomon speaks to adultery.

What is the character of the person who commits adultery?

Exodus 20:5,6; 1 John 4:4

Jesus came to bind our wounds and set us free from the bondage of our childhood.

How can God help you change your future?

A man who commits adultery lacks judgment and destroys himself.

Because we are God’s little children, we have overcome our sinful past.

Psalm 147:3

What hope does this verse provide?

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Application

Ask participants to talk about what role life-controlling substances and behaviors may have played in their growing up.

Can you relate to the three rules often found in a dysfunctional family (don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel)? Describe.

What actions are you taking or do you need to take to overcome these three rules? Describe.

Allow 20 Minutes

Personal response.

As we understand the seriousness of life-controlling problems and the risks associated with each and as we pray effectively for our families, ourselves, and the loved one who has so deeply affected us, let us always remember: The Word of God is to be used against the power of the enemy, Satan, and the temptation to sin that he uses to distract and destroy us. Our part is to believe God. He is able!

Closing Prayer

Ask the Lord to begin to show each participant areas where the addiction touched their lives and what they need to do to be free. Ask Him to show us how we can pray for those in our family who are still in bondage to addiction and its consequences. Ask Him to help us to understand the need for boundaries, the difficulty we may have in establishing healthy boundaries, and why those boundaries are important in our becoming the men and women of God He has planned for us to be. Ask Him to teach us to trust Him so that we can open up to healthy, spontaneous relationships over which He is Lord.

Spouse Abuse—Victims and Batterers 6Session

ntroduction

Opening Prayer

Sharing Question

What is your picture of a healthy marriage?

S elf-Awareness

The goal of this session is two-fold: to enable victims of spouse abuse to understand the dynamics of abuse and victimization and to direct those who are violent batterers to the help they need and to understand they must stop their abuse.

Allow 10 Minutes

As we come to the Lord to seek His help in discussing spouse abuse and those who batter, we ask Him to prepare our hearts for what we will talk about. His Word tells us that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Ask Him to reveal to each one what our role is in making a healthy marriage that is free of violence and verbal abuse.

Personal response.

Allow 20-25 Minutes

Due to the abundance of material in Self-Awareness, you may need to summarize information in order to work within the time frame.

Victims

We will begin by discussing issues of concern for victims of spouse abuse. Dr. Grant Martin in Counseling for Family Violence and Abuse says that victims of spouse abuse must seek healing in several areas of their lives:

Victimization—Victims are challenged by the shame, guilt, and false sense of responsibility all victims take on as part of the “victimization” process.

Self-Esteem—When dealing with low self-esteem, victims must look at three areas where abuse takes its toll. Target areas of selfesteem in Christians as Grant Martin describes them in Transformed by Thorns include the following:

• Sense of Being—Who we are in Christ Jesus. In Session 3 we discussed what God says about who we are in Him. As we grow in our understanding of who we are in Christ Jesus and as we learn to cast our cares upon Him, we begin to walk in comfort. We develop a sense of well-being that reassures us of the love and healing God has for us.

• Sense of Purpose—Why are we in Christ Jesus. What purpose do we have? What does God plan to do with us? Why did He save us? God wants us to know we have purpose and meaning in our lives. He is our meaning, and He provides us with purpose.

• Sense of Ministry—We are here to serve God and be His body that ministers to one another. We are here to present the gospel of reconciliation to unbelievers in such a way that they can see and experience God’s love for themselves. How has your self-esteem been damaged by abusive experiences?

Unrealistic Hope—Another characteristic of abused spouses is the sincere love and loyalty they generally have for their violent spouses. We must distinguish between false hope and the actions that need to be taken to correct an ungodly situation.

Realistic hope, the kind that builds on God’s promises, is one of the three (faith, hope, love) qualities Christians draw from as they walk through life. That hope is based on a solid understanding of God’s love for us and His Son’s commitment never to leave us or forsake us. Hope that is built on faith in man is hopeless. It results in our remaining committed to the cyclical nature of battering and intermittent reinforcement and is not godly.

Only when the husband or wife has made significant progress in controlling violence should a focus on marriage restoration counseling begin. Batterers must deal with the denial that excuses their violence before they will stop. They must also face the lies that guide their decision making, and they must learn new ways of dealing with feeling out of control, vulnerable, inadequate, needy, etc., or each of these emotions will trigger a cycle of abuse regardless of their awareness of other issues.

Personal response.

Hope built on our belief that we can keep our spouses from getting angry and violent is a distortion of reality. We cannot control the feelings or actions of the abuser. We do not have the ability to manage their anger. We must learn to back off and allow the abusive spouse to take responsibility for his/her own actions. We must exercise tough love.

How has your view of hope for change affected your relationship with your spouse?

Isolation—Abused spouses often become socially and emotionally isolated. We must reestablish family and social connections. Sometimes families of origin can reinforce unhealthy behavior by encouraging an abuse victim to remain in an abusive situation and try to control it (an unrealistic hope) because that is what went on in the family of origin. We have to watch out not to buy into unhealthy family norms while still remaining connected to the family.

Isolation can result from ignorance of community resources. We need to find out what community resources exist for battered spouses.

Isolation often occurs because we feel abandoned. We must not rush the resocialization process. We must allow ourselves time to relearn socialization skills and to engage in the process of developing intimate, trusting relationships. Since this is a major issue of concern for those who have been battered and since our past socialization activities may have occurred in the guarded atmosphere of a chaotic and dysfunctional home, we need to allow time for this process and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.

How big of an issue has isolation been in your life?

Emotional Dependency-—Learned helplessness comes from repeated unsuccessful attempts to control the violence. Eventually the victim becomes depressed and helpless which reduces the motivation to do something different to zero. We must learn new methods of survival. Learning appropriate ways of handling anger will help us to develop new ways of thinking about what is going on. Using God’s Word as our guide, we begin to take all thoughts captive to Christ, cast down vain imaginations, and replace false beliefs with God’s promises to us.

God does not transform us by the elimination of our problems but by the renewing of our minds and increased dependency upon Him instead of depending on those around us. Through applying the

Examples:

• I see my spouse in a more positive light.

• I am dealing with my negativity.

• We have a closer relationship.

Personal response.

Word of God to our lives, we learn to change our inner thoughts to produce healthier thinking. The key to eliminating worry is to place our trust in something solid, predictable, and helpful for growth—THE WORD OF GOD!

A major step in changing destructive thoughts is to claim the promises of God by believing that God is trustworthy instead of holding onto distorted beliefs and the promises or accusations of an abusive spouse.

In order to change our thinking, we must understand the nature of faith. Faith is knowledge acted upon. We must exercise our mind, choose to believe that God is who He says He is and can deliver what He promises, and act on our faith. We must act on our new beliefs, our new thoughts! We must reorient our outlook on life to one that stops worrying. We can overcome our overdependence on a spouse by acting upon our knowledge of God with a renewed mind in faith.

Traditional View of Marriage—Many batterers try to use the excuse that marriage as it is described in the Bible gives the man total control over his wife. The Scripture very clearly states that a man is to love his wife as himself and to lay down his life for her. No where in God’s word does He give man permission to abuse his wife or his children. However it is not a defect in character for the battered spouse to be committed to marriage. The problem is that one usually has not been able to separate the commitment to marriage from an unhealthy tolerance for violence and abuse.

Batterers

Men who batter are at the mercy of their own violent tempers. They are unable to control the rage that burns within them. That rage could come from past abuses they have experienced or from never having learned to deal with their anger.

Abusive men tend to be very friendly and pleasant in situations that do not require emotional intimacy. Where intimacy is involved, however (marriage, parenting), they are like volcanos that may be dormant for awhile but are always on the verge of eruption. Often they explode in cycles.

Several characteristics of men who batter can be identified: • Abuse is sin that comes from the natural self which has not been submitted to God. As learned behavior, it can be and usually is passed down from one generation to another. The good news is that learned behavior can be changed.

• The abuser is responsible for his own violent, abusive actions. Stress, nagging, and irritation cannot be blamed for violent actions. No one is forced to be violent. Choice is always involved.

Now let us look at the batterer. What makes a person lose it and become violent? As we become more aware of the dynamics of battering and as we begin to look at our actual behavior and what influences it, we can begin to understand how batterers get started in their cycle of violence and look at some ways in which that cycle can be broken.

Each person must be held accountable for his own actions and choices. Most of all, the victim (wife, child) cannot cause or eliminate the violence or control whether the abuser becomes violent again. The abuser himself must be held accountable to God for his sin. And abuse is sin.

• Abuse may start out to be infrequent—one solitary event—but it will build. It will not stop until it takes over the entire relationship. Abuse starts in the heart of the abuser and eventually distorts all relationships and destroys the entire family system. It is important to recognize that the cycle of violence is not dependent upon the triggers of the environment around us. As the anger builds within the abuser, anything and everything can set off a violent episode. When an abuser is in the cycle of violence, his perceptions of situations and events will be influenced by the building anger.

• Men who grew up in families where their father abused their mother have a particularly difficult time coming to terms with their responsibility for the violence in their own marriage. They are emulating their only role model, their father, and may feel that if they accept their own responsibility for violence, they are disrespecting their father and somehow compromising who they are as men. Even if they hate that father for what he did, they may cling to his right to abuse the mother and repeat this behavior with their own wives. This becomes even more complicated in situations where open adultery resulted in the father’s leaving home to go to another woman because the mother refused to accept his aggression against her. In these cases, the issues related to the violence that reinforce inappropriate responses must be addressed.

• The focus of counseling needs to be on stopping the violence by separation and repentance, teaching coping skills, and making sure no more violence will occur. It is too dangerous for the victims to begin marital or family therapy with their spouses until their safety can be assured. Families cannot be encouraged to reunite until the causes of the violence have been dealt with and skills have replaced helplessness.

In helping abusers stop their violent actions, the first step taken should focus on any resistance to treatment that surfaces. Resistance is a natural phenomenon. The abusive person has difficulty dealing with highly charged emotions. He finds it difficult to face the fact that he has been violent and abusive. One way to approach resistance is to talk about it as a normal part of the process of change and discuss what makes the abuser want to resist change and resist exposure instead of talking about the change or the exposure of self that is too unsettling or intolerable to face.

Possible sources of resistance include resentment, skepticism, pride, embarrassment, hopelessness, and anger. Because an abuser feels powerless, power struggles must be avoided at all cost. After all, God is the only all powerful one here. He did not create us with a need to control others. We need to focus on controlling ourselves with the help of the Holy Spirit.

The batterers’ denial of their role in the violence, their responsibility for the violence, and the extent of damage resulting from the violence are other areas that need attention. Denial can be seen in individual efforts to blame the victim, justify the violence, distort and minimize the consequences of the violence, externalize responsibility, and portray events inaccurately.

Denial must be exposed for the lie that it is. Abusive men must look at violent events as they really happened and be willing to accept responsibility for their own actions. The goal is to help the batterer understand that he does not have the right to control others but that he is responsible for and able to control himself.

In order to gain control over anger, the first step is to identify it and understand what triggers it. Keeping an Anger Log with the date and time, level of anger, behavior during the angry period, and the thought patterns preceding these outbursts will facilitate this process.

Abusers must learn to pay particular attention to their self-talk. What people tell themselves about an event may or may not have basis in reality. Several beliefs seem to guide the unhealthy self-talk of the abuser:

• They believe they need to have complete control over everything that occurs in their environment.

• They feel they cannot control their emotions and cannot stop themselves from feeling certain things.

• They feel their misery is caused by others and forced on them

Describe some principles abusers need to embrace to deal with these three points of self-talk.

• There is no need to be in complete control of circumstances. God is in control.

• Discuss their emotions openly with a godly person or group.

• Take responsibility for their actions.

Prior to violent episodes, they tend to label the objects of their abuse negatively. They read the minds of their victims and determine how these people act and think without ever checking this out with reality. They think they can predict the future and determine events based on past experiences.

Abusers tend to magnify or exaggerate the importance or consequences of a negative event. They speak in should statements that distort their thinking and perceptions.

Alternatives to abuse must be developed. For example, positive selftalk (applying the Word of God to potentially violent thoughts) will help to change the way we respond.

Prayer and meditation on the Word of God can be an excellent way to relax. For example, asking the Lord to dispel faulty thinking and reveal other possible interpretations of the situation can be very helpful. Learning to reframe a situation so that many perspectives are considered is another useful tool. Meditation on the fruit of the Spirit can be equally helpful.

As part of the effort to control anger, be sure to attend to diet, sleep, and exercise. Do not use any substances to reduce tension. Drugs and alcohol reduce good judgment and increase the likelihood of aggressive, violent behavior.

Abusers need to learn to talk about their feelings. Most abusers have held their feelings inside for so many years that they cannot easily identify them or express them appropriately. Many abusers grew up in families where no one talked about their feelings, so this activity will be new and very strange. They need to learn to identify feelings and see what feelings accompany anger and violence. Then they can begin to look for pleasant feelings and think about what makes them feel good. While exploring these feelings, they can begin to write them in a journal.

Do you share your feelings with Jesus? See Hebrews 4:15. How is Jesus affected by our feelings?

“For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin” (Hebrews 4:15 KJV).

It is important to begin to identify the role of jealousy and the need for power in the abuse cycle. Most frequently, jealousy comes from feelings of inadequacy and the fear of being replaced and not being able to stop that from happening.

God loves both husbands and wives. He loves victims and batterers, but He does not love violence and abuse.

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

In Ephesians 5:33, the Lord tells us how husbands and wives are to relate to each other. What does He say?

S piritual-Awareness

The Bible gives special attention to family relationships.

1 Corinthians 6:19; 2 Corinthians 6:16

What does God say about our bodies that tells us abusing them is wrong?

1 Peter 3:7

What does God say about the way husbands are to treat their wives?

Men should love their wives, and wives should respect their husbands.

Allow 20-25 Minutes

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

How will God sustain us through the hard times?

Philippians 4:6-7

As we are going through the healing process, how does the Word direct us to overcome anxiety and fear?

2 Timothy 1:7

How does this verse encourage us?

Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in us, whom we have received from God.

Husbands are to be considerate of their wives and treat them with respect.

Though we are troubled on every side, are in despair, and suffer, we know God is with us. We may be down, but we are not destroyed.

We are not to be anxious but to present our requests to God with thanksgiving.

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”

Philippians 4:9

As we understand that God is there for us and that He will take care of us, we have the strength and courage to change.

How does this verse encourage us in this direction?

Ephesians 5:21

What does this verse tell us about submission and control?

Galatians 5:22-23

What should both the batterer and the victim hope to develop?

God tells us to apply what we have learned—to put it into practice, and He promises His peace while we do it.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

The fruit of the Spirit — “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and selfcontrol.”

Proverbs 19:19

What directions are we given about our need to protect or rescue an abusive spouse?

Ephesians 4:31

What do both husband and wife need to do with their anger? How can they do this?

We are to let them experience the consequences of their actions, or they will repeat their violence.

Each needs to “get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

Psalm 30:5

As we let go of our anger, God’s love replaces it. What do we learn about God’s forgiveness from this verse?

“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. ”

Matthew 11:28

What does this verse offer those who are weary?

He invites us to come to Him, and He will give us rest.

pplication Allow 20 Minutes

What areas of responsibility for the abuse do you have as a victim? As a batterer?

How can you handle situations differently in the future?

What role does the Lord and His Word have in the healing process?

Write a prayer concerning your progress in this group. Ask God to help you with the pain that has surfaced in these lessons. Remember to keep your focus on Christ.

Personal response.

Closing Prayer

Ask God to help each one to come to Him in prayer for His power to change. Pray as God leads that the participants will be set free from the pain of abusive relationships and all of its aftermath.

7Session Children of Abuse—Victims and Co-Victims

Introduction

Opening Prayer

Sharing Questions

How does child abuse and neglect differ from normal parental discipline?

Self-Awareness

Child abuse and neglect have been defined by the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act of 1974 as the physical or mental injury, sexual abuse or exploitation, negligent treatment or maltreatment of a child under the age of eighteen by a person who is responsible for the child’s welfare and under circumstances which indicate that the child’s health or welfare is harmed or threatened thereby.

Allow 10 Minutes

Ask the Lord to put a hedge of protection around our emotions and be that friend who is closer than a brother as we face the violence of the past. Ask Him to help us to be able to look at what is necessary and accept the things we cannot change. Ask Him to help us face the pain of the past as adults looking back, not as children reliving it. As we talk about our abuse and/or the abuse of our mothers or fathers by the other parent, help us to feel the presence of the living God holding our hand and standing beside us every step of the way.

Child abuse and neglect are serious problems. Read the definition of the Child Abuse Act below as a way to start discussion.

Allow 20–25 Minutes

As we face the past and look at the things we fear most, we see how they have held us captive. God wants to set us free. Bringing these fearful events into the light exposes them as being no longer able to harm us. As we face the pain, we see that God is replacing that pain we have just talked about with a new sense of healing and well-being—more of Himself— more of His Spirit.

We will discuss five types of abuse:

1. Physical abuse—Includes violent assault with a fist, an open hand, a knife, a strap, a cigarette, etc., that results in burns, fractures, or other injuries or possible injuries to the child. “Spanking” for purely disciplinary reasons generally is not seen as child abuse.

2. Neglect—Includes abandonment; refusal to seek, allow, or provide treatment for illness or impairment; inadequate physical supervision; disregard of health hazards in the home; and inadequate nutrition, clothing, or hygiene when services are available. Underneglect is the specific neglect of the education of a child by knowingly permitting chronic truancy, keeping the child home from school repeatedly without cause, or failing to enroll the child in school.

3. Emotional abuse—Includes verbal or emotional assault, close confinement such as tying or locking in a closet, inadequate nurturance such as that affecting failure-to-thrive babies, exposing the child to continuous and serious alcohol/drug abuse, or refusing to allow remedial care for a diagnosed emotional problem.

4. Co-Victims—A less frequently noticed type of abuse. Watching parents abuse one another has such a profound impact on children that police recognize the need to arrest any parent who abuses the other in front of their children. Covictimization is seen as the major explanation for the intense rage and increased violence among youth and young adults today.

5. Verbal Abuse and Labeling—Cause people to focus on their own inadequacies and feel a shame through which all human interaction is channeled. Victims of verbal abuse tend to be critical and blaming of others.

How did abuse impact your life?

Consequences of physical and emotional abuse and neglect. Legally, a child usually means a person under age eighteen. What makes child abuse and neglect different from other crimes committed against children is the relationship between the child and the abuser who is a parent, custodian, or guardian responsible for protecting and guiding the child to normal adulthood.

Abuse and neglect have lifelong consequences. Physical abuse may cause permanent damage to a child. Neglect may have long-term effects on normal physical and developmental functions.

Personal response.

Victims of abuse and neglect have more behavior, discipline, and school attendance problems as well as an increased risk for delayed language development. They may be bright and intelligent children, but they test lower on IQ tests, have poorer language skills, and show less competence in academic endeavors.

Because they live in an unpredictable, unhappy, confusing world that is filled with danger and violence—which can lead to aggressive action or feelings of inadequacy—survival may take all their energy. They may be very withdrawn or aggressive. Their fear of others may cause them difficulty in forming healthy relationships. They do not like themselves and may have a higher incidence of attempted suicides and self-mutilative behavior. Extreme feelings of self-disgust can only be relieved by an attack of aggression against themselves or others.

One way in which children are affected by this kind of violence causes them to seek to fill the emptiness it creates by forcing others close to them to meet these needs. They cannot. A cycle of disappointment, conflict, and discord results. The healing process begins with accepting the reality that these needs of childhood are only able to be met in Christ Jesus. Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and fill the emptiness in the lives of victims of child abuse.

Abused children tend to become abusive parents—they raise their children as they were raised. Children of abuse must learn to parent differently than the way they were parented, or they will repeat what happened to them in their own families. God wants to heal the wounds they have received from past abuse and help them become a different kind of parent to their children.

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

Let us look at the power the past has over us once we face it with the Lord’s help.

Are we bound by the past? Must we repeat it?

Review the material and ask participants if there are any ways in which they can see that past abuse may have caused them some of the problems described above.

We are not in bondage to repeat the abuse of our parents, but only as we depend totally on the Lord to build self-control and the other fruit of the Spirit can we avoid becoming the abusive parent we may have hated as we were growing up.

What does Ezekiel 18:14-18 tell us about the hold the past has on us?

“He will not die for his father’s sin; he will surely live” (v17).

S piritual-Awareness

The Bible provides checks and balances to prevent any form of abuse.

Psalm 127:3

Children are wonderful gifts. What does this verse say about children?

Allow 20–25 Minutes

“Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.”

Proverbs 19:18

Are we to avoid all forms of discipline in order not to abuse our children?

God encourages us to discipline our children because an undisciplined child has no hope and a parent who does not discipline his child is a willing party to his death.

1 John 3:2

He has made a way for us. What does He tell us about that way in this verse?

Colossians 3:21

Obedience to our parents is important to God, but He wants us to be disciplined with love. What does He say to fathers?

“We are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.”

Ephesians 6:4

This verse tells Christian parents not to provoke their children to wrath and not to exasperate them. Parents are instructed not to break the spirit of their children by severe, unjust, partial, or unreasonable use of authority. The consequences of abusive parenting will result in either an angry, vengeful, acting-out child or a passive, broken spirit.

What instructions does this verse give to follow?

“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Revelation 3:19

What does God tell us about His discipline?

Those He loves, He rebukes and disciplines.

Hebrews 12:11

What is the end result of discipline?

“It produces a harvest of righteousness and peace.”

Allow 20 Minutes

God wants to heal us and make us good parents to our children. He will fill the void we feel because we lacked nurturing. He will comfort us and assure us that we do not need to be afraid. However, the cycle of violence will not magically go away. After we receive healing, we still have to deal with the abusive behaviors we learned from our parents. We need to learn to manage our anger. We must be able to face ourselves when we do wrong. We especially need to attend parenting skills training so we can raise our children differently from the way we were raised.

Does learning new ways of parenting disrespect your parents or make them bad parents? Describe.

What actions are you taking to be a more effective parent?

How would you describe yourself in dealing with anger?

Closing Prayer

Ask our Heavenly Father to heal the deep wounds we have experienced in our families and to help us to lay down those walls we have constructed as a result of our past abuse. Ask Him to help us to face the past, feel the pain, and embrace the healing He has for us. He wants us to be free of fear, pain, and disappointment. He is able, and He will do it. We need only believe. Personal response.

8Session Wounded Emotions

Introduction

Opening Prayer

Sharing Question

How does fear cause us to avoid intimacy with God? or

Can you identify an experience in your childhood or teen years that deeply hurt you emotionally?

Allow 10 Minutes

As we open in prayer, we are reminded that God has promised us freedom from shame and fear. Ask Him to help us replace these negative emotions with His Word. Ask God to lead us into a greater intimacy with Him and help us overcome the wounded emotions that have held us in bondage for so long.

Personal response. We put up walls between us and God that keep us from having the fullness of life in Christ Jesus.

Personal response.

The following discusses our emotional responses to the abuse of the past. We will talk about how these emotions keep us in bondage. As we face the pain associated with these emotions, we are able to embrace our past, our pain, and our healing. We can then move toward freedom and forgive those who hurt us.

Each emotion plays a specific role and results from specific events and the trauma of those events. We will look at how emotions, independently and together, tend to keep us confused, depressed, without energy, and defensive. Finally, we will talk about anger, its role in our healing, and how it increases and decreases depending upon the healing of other emotions.

Allow 20–25 Minutes

Embarrassment is a feeling of humiliation over a particular incident. Shame, on the other hand, is a pervasive feeling of being inadequate as a human being. What has shame to do with family violence? Every area of family violence discussed causes shame.

For example, children growing up in homes where a parent is committing adultery feel ashamed of their adulterous parent’s behavior and are similarly ashamed of the faithful parent who is trying to keep it a secret. Children of alcoholics are ashamed of their parent’s drinking and the chaos it creates in their homes. Children of spouse abusers are ashamed that their father beats their mother and ashamed of their mother who puts up with it. Children who have no father are ashamed of their illegitimacy even if others around them share in that status. Where verbal abuse and labeling are present, shame becomes a dominant motivation for doing anything possible to avoid the continual reminders of inadequacy.

Shame leaves us with a strong sense of being uniquely and hopelessly different and less than other human beings. It isolates and alienates us. It may result from feeling that we could never live up to the expectations of those close to us, or it could come from experiencing abusive treatment and being taught that the reason we were abused was related to some inadequacy within us that initiated and perpetuated the abuse.

Abused children are taught that they deserved disrespectful and/or dehumanizing treatment, that parents can do anything they want, and that God does not care. Children believe what their parents tell them; and as they reach adulthood, if the impressions and decisions of the child remain unchallenged, they become assumptions that direct future decision making.

Children use magical thinking. They believe that they have the unlimited power to make things happen and that they are responsible for everything that happens to them. They believe only good things happen to good people and only bad things happen to bad people. Dysfunctional families reinforce this magical thinking.

In order to survive and handle the anxiety their family relationships create for them, children in these situations develop protective illusions that keep them from having to face the possibility that their parents are not nice and that their environment is not safe and protected. These children develop fantasy relationships with their abusers. In these fantasy relationships, the abusive family member is a friend and is nice to them. They live in these fantasy relationships as much as possible in order to avoid the pain of reality.

How did you feel about your early family relationships and living situation? How has shame affected you today?

Shame occurs in secret and tends to isolate its victims and keep them from challenging events that reinforce shame from a realistic perspective. God’s light allows us to begin to challenge our early assumptions and distorted perceptions. It exposes the destructive decisions shame engenders and sets us free from the lies we never before challenged.

Fear

Fear is an extremely powerful emotion that we do not know how to control. It can freeze us in place and make it hard for us to protect ourselves. It attacks our ability to trust. It compromises our ability to relax in relationships. It takes over our thought processes, and we have trouble focusing and learning.

We tend to repress intense fear. We push it down and cover it up with other emotions like anger, depression, and anxiety (generalized feelings of uneasiness not attached to any specific event).

If we grow up with fear as a major organizer of our emotional life, we have difficulty establishing trusting relationships; and when we do connect with people, we have trouble being natural and genuine within those relationships.

Has fear been part of your growing up? How do you handle situations when you are afraid?

Guilt

Guilt is an emotion that we take on early in life. Even though we are powerless to stop the violence in our homes, we feel responsible for what is happening.

A man once told this story. When he was 3 years old, his mother made all the children stand in a row in the kitchen because someone had taken several cookies from the cookie jar. She finally decided he was the culprit. She took a cigarette and burned the tips of all of his fingers and then locked him in a small, windowless shed in the yard. When the father came home and discovered what the mother had done, he beat the mother. The man felt responsible, at 3 years of age, for everything that happened that day even though he had not even taken the cookies. At 28 years of age, he still could not get rid of the guilt.

As Christians, we are doubly blest. We have the cross to which we can take any guilt we may feel (real or imagined), but we also have

Personal response.

a Savior who paid the price in full—we are set free from condemnation. We will have consequences for those things we did do, but we can be set free, once and for all, from real and/or imagined guilt as we receive the wonderful grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Are there events in your childhood that make you feel guilty?

Grief

We grieve for many things: the loss of a childhood; not having had a safe, nurturing environment within which to grow and flourish; what we would have been if we had had a healthy, loving home. These are all sources of grief.

Grief is another noisy emotion. We push it down and try to go on with our lives, but it keeps rearing its ugly head and reminding us of what we have lost. If we do not deal with it, grief can eventually be a major source of bitterness and resentment. It contributes to self-hate and self-condemnation as a way of explaining the awful things that have happened to us. God sends His Spirit to comfort us (the Comforter).

How has grief affected your life?

Anger

As we discuss anger, we begin to look at how we use anger to defend against the other feelings previously discussed. We also develop an understanding of how anger affects our relationships with others and with God. Dr. Mark Cosgrove in Counseling for Anger describes the effects of anger and the healing process.

Anger is a God-given emotional response we all experience on occasion. Surrendered to God and under self-control, anger is a normal emotional response; uncontrolled, it can have tragic consequences.

We use anger. Whether we are aware of how and why is an important issue. For example, we sometimes use anger to let people know we are unhappy about a response to unmet expectations, or we are irritated or frustrated when things do not go our way. Anger can be a demonstration of hostility when someone has a different opinion. Anger can give energy to a defensive response, to a hurtful attack or to a real or perceived threat to one’s selfesteem or well-being. For those who have experienced traumatic abuse in their past, anger is a frequently used means to keep from feeling other, even more unpleasant and devastating feelings (guilt, shame, grief, fear).

Personal response.

God wants us to use more effective ways to process our angry feelings:

• We must go to God with our feelings no matter what they are. He will show us the way to freedom through His wondrous love by the leading of His Holy Spirit.

• We must honestly acknowledge what we feel. We must ask the Lord to forgive us for any sin that is within us. As we acknowledge any evil thoughts we may have against ourselves or others and repent of them, God will set us free.

• We must repent of all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, and slander along with any form of malice.

• We must learn to trust God that we will be able to endure the process of facing the feelings we have that the anger has protected us from feeling.

• We must allow ourselves to open up and talk about the things that are holding us in bondage to shame, guilt, fear, and grief.

• We must forgive those we need to forgive.

• We must accept who we are in Christ Jesus.

• We must receive the healing the Lord has for us.

• We must remember that healing is a process that may require many trips to the foot of the cross and many requests for the Lord to change us, but He is able, more than able, to accomplish what He plans for us. His arms are not too short!

How big of an issue is anger in your life?

How has anger tied you to past hurts?

As we seek God for healing, we should ask Him where all the anger and hurt comes from. He will show us the reason we try to avoid feeling pain and will help us to develop the strength to face what we need to feel in order to be able to let go of the pain, the past, and the anger.

Personal response.

We are duped by Satan to believe that if we do not acknowledge the pain, it has no control over us. Reality is exactly the opposite. It only has control over us when we try to keep it out of our awareness. Remember who is Lord of the darkness where it is currently hidden and who is the Lord of the light; in Him there is no darkness at all. As we bring our past into the light, the blood of Jesus washes the pain away and gives us victory over the devastation it has caused in our lives. We are set free!

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

God wants to heal our wounded emotions. He wants to give us selfcontrol during this process. He shows us the way and beckons us to follow.

What does 1 John 1:6-7 tell us is the purpose of bringing these wounded emotions out into the light?

The blood of Jesus, His Son, will purify us of all unrighteousness.

What happens if we walk in the darkness?

We do not have fellowship with Him.

piritual-Awareness

Let’s look at verses that deal with emotional responses.

Shame

God wants us to walk in the light with Him, but to do that, we have to face the pain of our wounded emotions. Let us now look at what God says about our shame, grief, fears, guilt, and anger.

Romans 8:1

What does Paul say about condemnation?

Hebrews 12:2

What does the writer to the Hebrews tell us about shame?

Fear

2 Timothy 1:7

God tells us that we have victory over fear. Describe.

1 John 4:18

What drives away fear?

Philippians 4:6

What does this verse tell us to do about fear?

Guilt

1 John 1:9

What do we do with the guilt we feel about things we have done or feel responsible for in our past?

1 John 2:1-2

What does John tell us about how Jesus can resolve the guilt for us?

Allow 20–25 Minutes

Discuss the following scriptures by sections.

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame.”

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

“Perfect love drives out fear.”

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.”

We confess our sins. He is faithful to forgive us our sins.

“He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins.”

Matthew 6:14

What can keep us from being forgiven?

Grief

Our Lord Jesus is familiar with suffering. He suffered more than we can ever comprehend.

Isaiah 53:3

How does this verse describe Jesus?

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

He wants us to be comforted and to comfort others.

How does He work these painful experiences for good?

Anger

Ephesians 4:31

What is Paul’s instructions in this verse?

Ephesians 4:26-27

How are we to handle anger?

Proverbs 15:1

What does this verse tell us about avoiding the anger of others?

Unforgiveness.

James 1:19-20

What do these verses tell us to do?

Proverbs 29:11

What is the difference between those who vent their anger and those who maintain self-control?

He is familiar with suffering, a man of grief.

God is the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all of our troubles so that we can comfort those in trouble.

We are to “get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

“In your anger do not sin.” We are not to let the sun go down on our anger. We are to be angry without sinning. We are not to give the devil a foothold.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

We “should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”

pplication Allow 20 Minutes

Which of these five emotions have caused the most damage in your life?

Personal response.

What steps do you need to take to get your life on track with God and experience emotional healing?

Personal response.

Closing Prayer

Bring these wounded emotions to the Lord in prayer as He leads. Ask Him to show each of us what is “under” our anger and how we can be healed of the causes of our rage and bitterness. Pray for those who may be holding on to their anger. Pray that God will teach us how to better handle being angry. Ask God to expose the lies that lead to rage and come against the deceptions of Satan in our lives.

Forgiveness & Repentance 9Session

Introduction

Opening Prayer

Sharing Question

In what ways do you want your life to be different as a result of the healing and cleansing work of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God?

Allow 10 Minutes

Pray that God will show group members what is needed to change in order to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, Jesus Christ. Ask Him to convict of any sin in the members’ lives and let His Holy Spirit work to bring everyone’s thinking and actions into conformity with His Word. Ask the Lord to help us forgive the unforgivable and accept the unacceptable because we know that His love is encouraging us to be set free from bitterness and resentment and from the ways we have developed to protect ourselves from the abuse of the past.

Personal response.

During this session, we are going to talk about forgiveness and repentance. Forgiveness is a process that may require many trips to the cross to get rid of intense feelings of resentment left behind by the abuse we have experienced. As Christians, it is a choice we must make in order to continue to grow and mature in the Lord.

Allow 20 – 25 Minutes

Present the overview and help individuals look at the feelings of unforgiveness they have and what is keeping them from being able to forgive. Help them to understand that forgiveness is often a process that may require many years. The important thing is that we begin the process, that we allow the Lord to work the forgiveness in us, and that we get rid of any root of bitterness that may have taken hold in us.

What is so difficult about forgiveness? Maybe we are too angry, hurt, or afraid. Cynthia Kubitan talks about forgiveness in the book, Beyond the Darkness. She suggests that we sometimes believe that forgiveness will make us vulnerable to being hurt again or that our unforgiveness protects us from being hurt again. Some may think that forgiveness gives the person who hurt us permission to do so again. Others may feel that forgiveness means we were wrong and those who hurt us were right or at the very least that the perpetrators of abuse are no longer responsible for what they did. Unforgiveness may seem to be a way to validate the pain we feel.

Rationalization interferes with forgiveness. We may rationalize that our abuse was not so bad; therefore, we do not have so much to forgive. We rationalize the past and feel we do not have to forgive because the perpetrators did not know what they were doing. However, in our hearts we feel differently. We have not forgiven; we have only denied that we harbor resentment.

Do any of these obstacles to forgiveness apply to you? If so, how?

Denial may also interfere with forgiveness by causing us to minimize the importance of what happened to us even though the consequences of these early events are still limiting our ability to function effectively as a Christian and as a person. We may say that we have forgiven, but we do not act like we have forgiven.

How have you seen denial interfere with forgiveness?

As we move from forgiveness to repentance, we become even more acutely aware of the importance of being honest with ourselves and with God. Dan Allender says in The Wounded Heart that a problem cannot be solved until it is honestly faced. The choice to face our past abuse is a response to the quiet prompting of the Holy Spirit. Once we face the past abuse, we face a second choice. Do we deal with the abuse? As we slowly acknowledge the events of the past in the presence of the Holy Spirit and the family of Christ, we are able to embrace openness and honesty. As we continue to learn the truth about the past and acknowledge and repent of the many dysfunctional ways we have developed to try to protect ourselves, we are able to let go of the pain and anger attached to it.

What is our goal?

Personal response.

A fuller relationship with the Lord that allows for more intimacy and fellowship is what we long for.

What is preventing this relationship from being available to us?

How do we get beyond these barriers to a fuller relationship with the Lord?

Our past wounds and the intense emotions attached to them keep us in bondage to the behaviors we have developed to protect ourselves. Unforgiveness and the lies and secrecy we hold on to in order to avoid facing the painful truth keep us from drawing closer to God.

Prayer, fasting, bible study, and an honest look at how our past is holding us captive in the present are required. We must seek God with our whole heart.

Prayer provides the way to unacknowledged anger and sorrow. Fasting is a choice to put our self aside and concentrate on our spiritual growth. Bible study helps us to embrace truth with our understanding and fuels the work of the Holy Spirit to make the Word become alive in our lives.

The Word of God by the Holy Spirit searches our thoughts and intentions. His Word helps us to face ourselves and look at our actions in light of His Word so that we can understand what we are to do. It exposes the lies of the enemy and sets us free from the bondage of verbal abuse and labeling. Jesus promises us the victory. He is faithful.

The group setting is a very effective place for the exploration process and the application of God’s Word to our lives. Those who have experienced similar abuse and developed similar responses are able to share with one another. As each faces the craziness of the past and the impact it has on the present, we can reach out to God together. As we become like Him, we shed the hurts, defenses, and fears of the past and are free to live a fulfilled life.

Once we determine that what we are doing has come short of the mark, we are faced with a third choice. We come to the cross to lay down our limited ability to take care of ourselves. We take up the freedom of knowing that God is able. We understand that fear is like saying that God has limits. It is like saying Satan is more able to hurt us than God is to protect us.

Of what do we need to repent? We are never called to repent for the abusive acts that happened to us—the hurts or wounds others caused us are something over which we had no control. We have to acknowledge that we had no control over those things and that we have allowed our fear to limit our belief in God’s ability to keep us safe.

We repent of the self-destructive behaviors we have used to protect ourselves. We repent because God wants us to be free and now we are in bondage to fear. We repent because we have not taken Him at His word and believed that He could contend with those who contend with us. We repent because healing will only come with changed behavior which cannot occur without repentance.

We repent because repentance is the only way to rid ourselves of bitterness, rage, anger, resentment, and unforgiveness. We repent from bitterness because the Word says we are not to allow a root of bitterness to take hold in us. We repent from resentment because it leads to bitterness. We repent from anger that is not quickly dispelled through forgiveness because it leads to resentment. We ask to be forgiven for our unforgiveness because it mixes with all of the other aspects of bitterness to form that root which is so destructive. We repent because if we do not, we cannot have the relationship with the Lord that we are called to, desire, and need.

As we explore the ways we have developed to protect ourselves, we see they are usually ineffective at protecting us anyway. They lead to destructive relationships with others and interfere with our relationship with Christ. The Holy Spirit reveals to us the folly of our way and helps us to change.

We must face ourselves honestly. Honesty opens the door to acknowledgement. Facing and acknowledging our missing the mark causes us, at first, to become ashamed; but as we realize we are not condemned, we become genuinely sad that we let the Father down. This godly sorrow leads us to the foot of the cross and initiates a new way of understanding where our lives come from. We begin to recognize that our being self-protective means trusting our own efforts to avoid being hurt more than we trust God’s. It brings about a change in focus from looking to ourselves to looking to Jesus.

Allender says that repentance is a hungry brokenness panting after God. We recognize how selfish we have been; we become dissatisfied; we cannot feel joy because we refuse to face the pain. We see that our Father is waiting for us with open arms. He wants to provide us with full restoration.

Repentance is not paying the price. That would be impossible. Jesus took care of the hard part on the cross. By His blood, we can come to God. Repentance is admitting, “I am a sinner saved by grace.” It is an understanding of who we are in Christ Jesus.

Repentance is an ongoing process. As we bring our “missing the mark” to the cross, we are changed by His Spirit to be conformed to the likeness of Christ. We enjoy the sweet fellowship with our creator, our Heavenly Father, that is at the core of every human need.

Have you tried to pay the price for your repentance?

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

Matthew 18:21-35 shows us the importance of forgiveness. We can experience torment when we are unwilling to forgive (see vv. 34-35).

What does God tell us in Jeremiah 15:19 about why we are to repent?

Personal response.

The Lord tells us that if we repent, He will restore us.

S

piritual-Awareness

Forgiveness is a gift. It is something we both give and receive.

Colossians 3:13-14; Mark 11:25; Luke 6:37 Who is our example of forgiveness?

Allow 20 – 25 Minutes

“Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

To be forgiven, what must we do?

“If you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25). “Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37).

Matthew 18:21-22

How many times are we to forgive? Is there a limit?

2 Corinthians 7:10-11

Sometimes we cannot forgive easily. We hold on to bitterness. God wants us to come to godly sorrow and repentance for that unforgiveness because He wants to set us free. What does godly sorrow produce in us?

Jesus said seventy-seven times. He is telling us we must always forgive.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (v10). It produces earnestness, eagerness to clear yourselves, indignation, alarm, longing, concern, and the readiness to see justice done.

Matthew 4:17; Luke 5:32; 2 Peter 3:9

Did Jesus preach repentance?

Isaiah 30:15

What are the benefits of repentance?

Luke 3:8

What should accompany our repentance?

Application

What obstacles are you facing that may prevent you from forgiving others for their past misdeeds?

Yes. He came to call the sinners to repentance. He is patient with you, “not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

“In repentance and rest is [our] salvation, in quietness and trust is [our] strength.”

We are called to “produce fruit in keeping with repentance.”

Allow 20 Minutes

Personal response.

Are you having difficulty forgiving yourself? Describe.

Personal response.

Before we close in prayer, spend 2-3 minutes with the Lord. Ask Him to show you the areas where you are still holding on to the past, how the difficulties you encounter in relationships are affected by your past abuse, and of what you need to repent.

Closing Prayer

In prayer, ask for deliverance from the roots of bitterness. Ask the Lord to help participants not to allow another root of bitterness to take hold. Ask the Holy Spirit to search our hearts and minds for bitterness, unbelief, lack of trust, walls of protection, and barriers to intimacy. Bring each of these to the foot of the cross and let the blood of Jesus wash away every spot and wrinkle.

10Session From Control to Intimacy

Introduction

Opening Prayer

Sharing Questions

What has been meaningful to you in this group?

Self-Awareness

We are not the first people to be deeply wounded, nor are we the first to feel that this world is out of control. Like everyone else, we find it difficult to let go of our fears and put our trust in God. The past abuse we have experienced and our natural reactions to it have made us try to control every move and action in our lives and in the lives of those close to us. We become extremely anxious when we cannot predict exactly what is going to occur next.

Coming out of an abusive past, we suffer from panic attacks. We are immobilized by fears when a major area of our lives is out of our control. Change is intolerable. We prefer to remain in destructive relationships, continue with nonproductive and meaningless jobs, and sustain destructive behaviors rather than face the ambiguity that comes with taking steps to a healthier direction for our lives.

From where do all of these fears come? Our past has shown us that when we were not in control, terrible things happened. Our present reinforces these fears by continually pointing out to us our inad-

Allow 10 Minutes

As we come to the Lord, let us meditate on the Word of God that promises us His direction, protection, and victory. Let us find comfort in Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Personal response.

Allow 20-25 Minutes

In this session we will explore trusting God and our need to relinquish our efforts to control the world and the people around us. We will replace fear with faith. Our goal is intimacy with God.

equacies to protect ourselves and those who depend on us. We fail to see that we often set ourselves up for these difficulties by trying to control situations ourselves instead of prayerfully leaving them in God’s hands.

So we try to control our lives by being perfect ourselves and very directive and controlling of our husband, wife, children, parents, friends, etc. Our fear of being out of control drives us to become increasingly rigid. Sometimes we turn to drugs, alcohol, and other addictions because the results of our relationships to addiction are so much more predictable than are our human interactions.

We marry alcoholics and abusive spouses because we are more comfortable with the familiar than we would be if we had to face the risk of marrying someone who might actually be good for us. We get nervous when things are going too well because we are sure that if we relax our guard and forget to protect ourselves, something awful will happen. We think we are getting away from what frightens us, but because our judgment and perceptions are so distorted by our past, we end up running head on into the arms of destruction.

If we do not deal with this need to control, eventually we are brought face-to-face with our fears. Change is the one thing in life which is inevitable. It challenges our need to control until we become so immobilized by fear that we cannot tolerate even the normal ups and downs of life.

When we were going through the traumas of our past abuse, control meant safety, security, and survival. Surprises were rarely good. Now our fears compromise our personal integrity because we correlate being out of control of circumstances with the unpredictability of the past which affects our intimacy with God and others.

Our abusive past makes intimacy with Christ and with others difficult. We avoid intimacy for many reasons. The first enemy of intimacy is anxiety. We become extremely anxious when we feel vulnerable, but how can we be intimate if we cannot risk being hurt?

Vulnerability is an important element of intimacy. We must ask God to show us what barriers we have constructed to avoid getting hurt by others. He will help us slowly let those barriers down. Before we can let go of them, however, we have to learn how to trust God and allow Him to show us how to trust others. The ability to use discernment as a guide to trust will enable us to stand against the anxiety we have experienced before when we felt vulnerable.

We can start trusting and opening up to Jesus. He already knows everything about us, so there are no surprises. We know He loves us anyway because He went to the cross for us while we were still sinners. We know we can trust Him totally and that whatever happens around us, He will always be there for us.

As we learn to trust God, He will show us how to trust others. He will help us to understand that human beings are fallible and may let us down but that some people are more able to handle the responsibilities that go with intimacy than others.

He may show us how we ourselves have been bad risks for intimate relationships because of our fears and anxieties and the protective actions we have taken when we felt we were getting too close. He will help us understand that the negative reactions to closeness that we experience from others may be a reaction to their anxiety and fear of closeness. We will see them as struggling just like us.

As we develop empathy with others who are struggling with fear, compassion helps us keep our eyes off of ourselves and we learn to reach out to them in love. We refocus our concern on their comfort and ability to relax in the relationship rather than on ourselves. Our anxieties lessen. We are about our Father’s business and do not have time for self-consciousness and self-protection. We begin to understand that He is protecting us from harm and that He does have a purpose for our lives.

As we take our eyes off of ourselves, we will be more concerned about how we treat others. We will show more respect for those around us. The Lord will show us who we can trust and how much. Even those who cannot be trusted will be targets of our love, not our fear.

As we see how Jesus accepts us, we will begin to accept ourselves. As we accept ourselves, we will feel more comfortable allowing others to see us as we are. We will begin to share our struggles without trying to pretend perfection or control. We will accept the imperfections of others more easily and pray for God to heal them as He has healed us.

What barriers have you erected that keep you from being able to enter into intimate relationships?

Personal response.

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

How do our fears, control issues, and anxiety interfere with our ability to have intimate fellowship with God? How do they lead us to create barriers in our relationships with others? How does that affect our Christian growth? What are the critical components of relationships that allow us to become intimate? What other roadblocks to intimacy do we encounter?

Spiritual-Awareness

Let’s talk about how we can apply biblical principles to some of the self-destructive ways we use to control circumstances and protect ourselves from pain and move to intimacy with God and others.

Psalm 139:1-4

How intimately does God know our thoughts and feelings?

We construct walls to protect ourselves. These walls not only keep out the pain, but they also keep out the joy, love, and fellowship that God so much wants to share with us and that we want to share with Him and with others. Without this fellowship, this intimacy with God, we cannot grow in the Lord.

Allow 20-25 Minutes

Psalm 139:5-6

Does God extend Himself to protect us?

He perceives our thoughts. He discerns our going out and coming in, our rising up and lying down. He is familiar with all of our ways. He knows what we are going to say before we say it. God always knows everything about us. We can keep no secrets from Him, yet He loves us unconditionally!

He encircles us round about. God’s perfect knowledge about us enables Him to protect us.

Psalm 139:7-12

Based on verse 10, what reason do we have to trust God?

“Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.”

Psalm 139:13-16

How well does God know us?

If God created us, is He able to restore us?

He created our inmost being and knit us together in our mother’s womb. He was there when we were made—He made us.

Personal response.

John 14:1

Where should we place our ultimate trust when troubled?

Since we cannot always trust people, to what degree and on what levels are we willing to let the other person gain access to the things about us that we do not want everybody to know? How do I assess their readiness for my disclosure?

Romans 15:7

How does acceptance of one another and acceptance by Christ go hand in hand?

“Trust in God”

Personal integrity and fruit of the Spirit in their lives can help to determine how much of our private information can they comfortably handle.

I Corinthians 13:4

Love is not envious. What does this mean to you?

Philippians 2:5-11

This passage challenges us to have the same attitude of Christ Jesus.

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, . . .he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!

What do you think it means that Christ did not consider His “equality with God something to be grasped” or a thing to be held on to?

We are to “accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”

Love does not hold on to, is not controlling or possessive.

He did not cling to what was rightfully His. Although He was God’s equal He did not hold on to it.

What do you think it means that He “made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant”?

How do you see the experiences of Christ Jesus in this passage as an example for your attitude with the difficulties you face?

He did not give up His deity. He was no less God. He laid aside his glory and became man. He took on the humiliation of the cross and died as a criminal.

• I don’t have to be in control.

• There are issues I need to turn over to Him.

• He took my humanity to the cross so I must focus on Him.

A pplication

John 17 records Christ’s great high priestly prayer. In this passage we see the true intimacy Jesus had with His Father. His prayer for His followers was—“that they be one as we are one” (v11).

Intimacy with God goes beyond mankind’s ability to unite or deal with pain of the past. It comes by focusing on Christ. We cannot experience intimacy with God if the Son is excluded.

As we allow the Holy Spirit to work these qualities of understanding, empathy, trust, perseverance, honesty, integrity, and consideration of others into our lives, we get our eyes off of ourselves and become able to trust God and enter into intimate fellowship with Him. As we trust God, we can then trust ourselves. As we trust ourselves and are honest about our shortcomings and areas of weakness, we can trust others as far as they are able to be trusted. We can rest in the knowledge that God is willing and able to show us what those limitations are.

We learn to overcome feelings of betrayal and control when others do not live up to our expectations. We allow others to be who they are at the moment and pray for their growth in Christ. We accept our fallibility as well. We see the extent to which we all fall short of the glory of God. As we enjoy intimacy with God, He makes it possible for us to share intimacy with others without being destroyed by it.

Describe your most difficult relationship and what you plan to do to strengthen or renew this relationship.

What steps do you need to take to trust God and others?

Write a prayer to God describing your overall commitment to family restoration based on what you have learned in this bible study.

Personal response.

Some may want to share with the group.

Closing Prayer

Pray with participants that they will be able to let down their barriers— first with God, then with friends. Pray that each one will be able to replace their anxiety about being hurt with a desire to show the love of Christ to a sin-filled, dying world. Ask God to help each become more concerned about walking in His will, serving Him. As we lead spiritually meaningful and useful lives, we will lose our concern for protecting ourselves from being hurt. We will become the men and women of God that He gave His life for us to be.

References

Albers, R., Shame, A Faith Perspective, Haworth Pastoral Press, New York, 1995.

Allender, Dan, The Wounded Heart, Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse, NavPress, Colorado Springs, CO, 1990.

Frank, Don and Jan, When Victims Marry, Dickinson Press, Grand Rapids, MI, 1990.

Kubetin, Cynthia and J. Mallory, Beyond the Darkness, Healing for Victims of Sexual Abuse, Rapha Publishing, Houston, TX, 1992.

Lee, Jimmy Ray and Dan Strickland, Living Free Coordinator’s Guide, Living Free Ministries, Inc., Chattanooga, TN, 1999.

Leman, Kevin and Randy Carlson, Unlocking the Secrets of Your Childhood Memories, Workbook, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, TN, 1994.

Lowry, L. R., J.D., and R. W. Meyers, Conflict Management and Counseling, Resources for Christian Counseling Series, Volume 29, Gary Collins, General Editor, Word, Inc., Dallas, TX, 1991.

Martin, Grant L., Counseling for Family Violence and Abuse, A How-To Approach, Resources for Christian Counseling Series, Volume 6, Word, Inc., Dallas, TX, 1991.

______, Transformed by Thorns, Victor Books, Wheaton, IL, 1985.

Matzat, Don, Christ Esteem, Harvest House, Eugene, OR, 1990.

McGee, Robert S., Father Hunger, Servant Publications, Ann Arbor, MI, 1993.

McGee, Robert S., Pat Springler, Susan Joiner, Rapha’s 12-Step Program for Overcoming Codependency, Rapha Publishing/Word Press, Houston and Dallas, TX, 1990.

Paleg, Kay, and M. McKay, editors, Parenting Groups, “Focal Group Psychotherapy,” New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA, 1992.

Wilson, Sandra D., Ph.D., Released from Shame, Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, People Helper Books, InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL, 1990.

Woititz, Janet G., Ed.D., Adult Children of Alcoholics, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL 1990.

1990 Census, Police Reports, World Wide Web, CDC Request for Proposals for Intimate Partner Violence Prevention (May 1997) and other sources for statistics on incidents and prevalence of family violence.

Restoring Families Facilitator Guide

Restoring Families

Overcoming Abusive Relationships Through Christ

Facilitator’s Guide

About the Author

Restoring Families

Overcoming Abusive Relationships Through

Preface

Using This Book

Sessions

Things to Remember

Group Leaders

Participants

One Final Note

Getting Started

Group Size

Preparation Time

Restoring Families Group Workbooks

Suggested Group Format

Part I Introduction (10 minutes)

Part II Self-Awareness (20-25

Part III Spiritual Awareness (20-25

Part IV Application (20

1Session Healing and Abuse

Introduction

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

S piritual-Awareness

Closing Prayer

2Session Making God the Father

Self-Awareness

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

Closing Prayer

3Session Christ-Esteem

I

ntroduction

elf-Awareness

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

S piritual-Awareness

4Session Abandonment

S elf-Awareness

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

Spiritual-Awareness

Session

Addiction and the Destruction of Families 5

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

piritual-Awareness

Closing Prayer

Spouse Abuse—Victims and Batterers 6Session

Victims

Batterers

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

7Session Children of Abuse—Victims and Co-Victims

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

S piritual-Awareness

Closing Prayer

8Session Wounded Emotions

Fear

Guilt

Grief

Anger

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

piritual-Awareness

Closing Prayer

Forgiveness & Repentance 9Session

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

S

piritual-Awareness

Application

Allow 20 Minutes

Closing Prayer

10Session From Control to Intimacy

Self-Awareness

Spiritual Awareness Lead–In

Spiritual-Awareness

Allow 20-25 Minutes

A pplication

Closing Prayer

References

Notes