Dr. Donald L. Pratt is retired and has spent the last eighteen years developing the FIT program and curriculum. Part of the curriculum uses Living Free materials and part uses materials developed specifically for the FIT program. As well as being an author and contributing to periodicals and international journals, Don also taught in a Christian college and state universities. He also served as Executive Director of the School Science and Mathematics Association and President of the Pennsylvania Science Teachers Association.
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Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Foreward
Practical Implications for Daily Living, Course 41 of the FIT “100 hour” Program
Anger is a problem that is everywhere in our culture. As long as there are people around, we will have stresses and unreasonable people to deal with. How these stresses are handled is crucial to getting through life successfully.
This course presents practical ways of interacting with each other with reduced anger. It also presents ways in which we should conduct our lives according to the Bible. The two are in agreement, and this is exactly what most of our clients want in a course like this. They want practical ways to deal with personal issues and to get closer to God at the same time. They would like to become godly persons, using God’s help and biblical principles to achieve this goal.
At first glance, this course may appear to be short on facts. That is because the main emphasis is not on how many facts you can learn (and then forget) but on how much you can apply the material in practical ways to your own situation. This is done by lots of small-group discussion. You use the power of the group to come up with examples and solutions. This format makes it safer for everyone to express his/her personal opinion without getting criticized. Opinions are just that – opinions. We respect them and not everyone has to agree with them.
These lessons are very carefully written and sequenced for maximum effectiveness. We do not want to waste your time. Each lesson is self-contained and planned so that progress is made on a deeper level from week to week, but your most valuable asset will be your facilitators. Show respect for them as they donate their time, love, and concern for your welfare and guide you as you explore new ways of looking at life and living the victorious Christian life.
Donald Pratt
Paul Pratt
July, 2013
Bradenton, FL
revised, June, 2018
revised, March, 2021
Getting Started
GROUP FORMAT
This Anger Dynamics course is specifically designed for group study. It can also be used individually for self-reflection but the input of peers and their shared life experiences will be missing.
LAYOUT
This facilitator book is a supplement to the standard group-member guide. It provides tips on ways to more effectively teach the course. It contains all of the material of the group member guide, including an exact match to page numbering. This makes it easier for the facilitator to follow along with what the group members are reading and at the same time see notes clearly placed for the leader to guide the discussion. Facilitator notes are spread throughout the entire books and highlighted in gray. Also, there is a list of goals and objectives for each lesson in the Appendix of this book.
A facilitator note is highlighted like this.
This course has been successfully used at prisons (long term), jails (short term), a Christian high school, an early-teen Sunday School class, half-way and recovery houses, sentencing by courts, and by the Department of Children and Families for child custody case plans, and at several community-based classes for adults. The book is decidedly Christian yet non-sectarian.
Anger Dynamics contains many deliberate design features to maximize effectiveness. Here are a few of them.
• Non Technical and Easy to Read
While the content is based on professional research, the focus of the text is on practical application rather than on terminology, scholarly quotes, and references, which may be distracting in a setting like this. A simple style of writing also encourages the smooth flow of ideas.
• Simplicity and Focus
Each lesson is kept to a few important key points. Generally there will be a short reading section followed by a related question set that sets the stage for discussion and application.
• Practical Application
The book is full of scenarios that represent real-life application. This makes the material much more suitable for use with people of all walks of life, education, and backgrounds.
Group members are much more inclined to enter into conversation when they see applications that they identify with related to the topic being discussed. It provides structure and makes it easy for the facilitator get the discussion going.
• Discussion Oriented
The goal of this course is to stimulate deeper thought in the areas of life where it has been neglected. Numerous discussion questions are found throughout the text which are both thoughtprovoking and pertinent to the issue being addressed.
• Problem Solving Oriented
Life is complicated and does not always go as planned. All people are faced with frustrations and situations that seem to get out of hand. Guided by the text, faith principles, and reality, the course provides a framework for the group to share and work through some of their most challenging issues.
• Faith Based
This book presents both principles of faith and good citizenship
Faith involves spiritual and moral values.
Citizenship involves secular laws that every one must follow regardless of differing values.
In countries where there is a separation of religion and state, a distrust of one group against the other can develop. There doesn't have to be such a conflict. This book stays clear of controversial religious dogma and other divisive issues. There are many areas where good citizenship and principles of faith overlap.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
This book does not emphasize memory work. It is also not a substitute for counseling or self-help. Instead, it focuses on two of the most basic of human needs: the need to be heard and the need to be validated and respected.
The group format satisfies the need to be heard. Facilitators often want to tell their own story so badly that they forget the needs of group members who are longing to tell their's. This shows up in too much preaching and too much time on their own stories. Effective facilitators spend more time listening and encouraging their group members to tell their stories. This nicely provides a custom-made platform for the group to personally apply the points of the lesson.
The facilitator provides the leadership of making sure that everyone's participation is confidential and that each person is respected. If a safe climate is not maintained, the group will not open up and work together to personalize the lesson.
This book provides many questions to stimulate discussion. Some of the questions are straight-forward and some are open-ended. This is on purpose so that participants can make personal applications. “Open-ended” does not mean “vague” or “unstructured”. It simply means that participants are to go beyond "yes" and "no" answers and think and talk at a deeper level. The highlighted facilitator notes give guidance as to what to expect from the questions and discussions. They also provide tips on getting meaningful discussion started.
Each lesson contains a Spiritual Applications section where scriptures are highlighted and followed by a mix of simple and open-ended questions. This is to encourage personal application with examples from the group - examples which are meaningful to them. There are many people who are great at memorizing Bible verses but are not so great in applying them to their own lives.
The hardest lesson to lead is usually the first one because there will be the testing of the atmosphere to see how safe it is. Participants will be looking to see where the class is going. Sometimes people will open up in the first lesson. Others may not open up until the middle. It make take a few of them until the end. You, as facilitator, should be expecting this and not give up too soon.
THE ROLE OF THE FACILITATOR
The role of the course leader, or facilitator, is “to make things happen” in the group itself. It is not to preach, lecture, or impress with personal knowledge. It is to change lives by directing group interaction and providing a personal example. Here are the key points to remember when conducting a successful small-group course:
• Talkers and Non-Talkers
The facilitator must make sure that the “talkers” do not take over and let the “non-talkers” get ignored or get run over by them. This is usually not hard to do at all as long as things are done promptly and courteously. Just say to the talker, “We have to move on now or we will never accomplish our goal of…”, or to the non-talker “Joan, what are your thoughts on this?” Do not sit across from a “talker.” The direct eye contact will encourage even more talking. Seat the non-talker there instead.
• Keep the Group on Track
When controversy arises, say “thank you for your opinion” to each person, and then “let’s move on now.” Expect to occasionally have to intervene. Failure to do so will sidetrack the class and hurt its effectiveness.
• Set Goals for Each Lesson before the Lesson Begins
Goals and Objectives exist to guide you in what you are doing and what you want to accomplish. They also contribute to serving as criteria for knowing whether a lesson has been a success or not. They are more than just a list of topics. They are what you want to accomplish with those topics. A list of suggested goals and objectives for the course and each lesson can be found on page 80.
FLEXIBILITY
Flexibility is a necessity in most settings in which these groups are involved. This is because leaders often have to be flexible in order to be invited in to minister in many places such as a jail, prison, recovery house, or other institution. Each place has its own set of rules and may not give you a choice. Here are some typical examples:
• Time Frame
Each lesson is designed for up to two hours of good discussion. A prison may ask for three hours of lessons in the AM and another three hours in the PM. Another institution may only let you do one 50-minute lesson per week. Good local discretion is needed in situations like this. Occasionally, conditions may be so adverse that the wise choice would be decline to work at that institution. Without its cooperation, the effort will fail anyway.
• Class Size
The ideal class size is six to twelve. Less than this may decrease the richness of discussion and the number of ideas and group problem solving. More than that may discourage some from participating and make it harder to limit the “talkers” and stay on topic. In reality, many of our host institutions have their own preferences and requirements that leave us little choice. There have been cases where only one person has shown up. There have been others where institutions have asked us to do 35 at a time in a group. Though not generally recommended, some of our most experienced leaders have actually successfully led groups like this.
• Homework
This course is based on verbal interactions and class discussion. While homework can certainly be given, many of the institutions that use these materials have regulations on what they allow. In most settings, outside homework may not be feasible. A major concern is also stewardship of the materials themselves. The course books may be lost or even thrown away. The effectiveness of the lesson can be directly observed during the class session by noting who is responding and with what degree.
WHY THIS COURSE WAS WRITTEN
Anger issues are universal. They are common, troublesome, difficult to deal with, and often a major concern in society. Anger management courses and texts are everywhere. Courts, judges, probation officers, and counselors order anger courses for child custody, civil and criminal cases. Because of this, just being enrolled in an anger course is seen as a stigma. People like to be viewed as having it all together when it comes to anger.
Though a few individuals may be brave enough to admit they need help and take such a course, many see it as admitting to a social shortcoming. Add to that the fear of having to make changes and hard choices, and it is no wonder why people do not like anger courses. If the class looks too much like “school”, those who had trouble in school have an even greater reason to be skeptical. Another wrinkle for Christians is letting go of the idea that “righteous” anger justifies unchristian behavior.
It was for these reasons and all the previously mentioned ones that this course was developed. Here are some of the ways that these concerns are addressed in this book.
• The Need for a Faith-Based Course
Faith is an important part of many people's lives that is often overlooked by the secular community. Likewise, people of faith often discount valuable lessons learned from the best practices and experiences of the secular community. This course draws upon both to strengthen what it has to offer.
• Finding Solutions to Problems Together
While presenting and testing many facts may be more impressive to some and easier to do, real change comes by “learning to stand on your own two feet” by individual effort and thought. Group members already know many of the “facts”. They just have not learned how to apply them to their lives. They are best shown how to do this by practical life-experience examples which arise from the group itself. Then they won't be bored or find the course to be a waste of time.
• Making the Course Relevant
to the Group
For greatest practical benefit, the power of the group itself is used to come up with strategies and applications that directly relate to the specific situations faced by group members. Life is complex. There is not a textbook in the world that can list all the problems and solutions needed for this journey through life. The group provides support for those who need to feel safe to open up in a healthy way. Participants find they are not alone in either frustrating life situations or in difficulty with dealing with them.
• Providing Group Support
We are social beings and none of us wants to have to face all of our problems alone. Being in a group can be very beneficial and provide support if the environment is right. One-way, lecture-style presentations do not offer much interpersonal support.
• Providing a Group-Friendly Environment
Given the emotionally-charged nature of anger, it will take several lessons, maybe even the whole course, for some people to feel safe and open up. Adding to this, this may be the first time that they have given much thought to these issues. This creates a need for a course structure that has a patient and non-threatening progression. This is evident in both the sequencing of the lessons and in the types of questions used.
Anger is approached safely and out of respect. The practical benefits of anger management are emphasized as well as its mechanics. Our cover graphic of the gears suggests the harmony of things working right when the pieces fit together like they should. It also shows a subtle "cool down" transition from the “hotter” gears at the top to the gears of cooler colors at the bottom.
• Building on what the Group Already Knows
The group will already have plenty of knowledge to draw from, especially if it is in the ideal size range of 6-12 people. In a group like this, there will be at least some who will be knowledgeable of scriptures, even in a setting like prison. One person may have already dealt with a particular situation and handled it well. Another may show how personal faith has led to overcoming the obstacles. Limitations can also be addressed. Someone may be able to quote more scriptures than a pastor but lack the ability to translate it into practical living. Another may have great insight as to personal issues but fail to see it in light of living the Christian life.
• Help for the Forgotten People of the World – the Least, the Last, and the Lost
These include the poor, incarcerated, addicted, and homeless – people who are held in low regard by society. This is a course for them, too. We will not crush them. We will show them respect, recognize where they are and have come from, and show them a better way. We will show them how to do it through their Christian faith. This course is for those leaders who wish to take the extra effort needed to actually disciple a person into successful Christian and community living.
• Help for Everyone
Everyone has and will have anger issues to deal wih throughout their lives. The Anger Dynamics course has helped people from all walks of life, including facilitators, in dealing with their issues. This includes the educated, the uneducated, church people, atheists, "down-and-outers", "well-todo", and even people of other faiths.
Welcome
Welcome to our class. We will be discussing a very touchy subject, but don't be afraid. All of us have episodes of anger in our daily lives if we have any feeling at all. This course is not designed to condemn you or make you feel uncomfortable. It is really to help you understand the ins and outs of what anger is, when it is healthy and when it is not, and how to manage it and reduce everyday stress. Anger management as we define it is not just about anger that gets us into trouble but also about knowing how to better deal with things that frustrate us which don't seem to be getting any better. We will also be looking into ways to get people to listen to us and respect us.
GROUP FORMAT
This course uses the small group format where personal opinions and thoughts are encouraged, but there is no need to be anxious about it. You won't be forced to read out loud or say things that you are uncomfortable with. We hope that with time you will be more comfortable with sharing. You will find that you are not alone in your situation and that others face the same concerns that you do. As you see the group's openness and non-judgmental attitudes, it will encourage you to open up and to help them as well. This sharing of ideas is a key part of the course. It is not fun to feel all alone as we walk through life's difficulties.
LESSON STRUCTURE
Each lesson has five parts: Introduction, Self-Awareness, Spiritual Awareness, Application, and True/False test
• Introduction
The Introduction sets the stage for the lesson and may include requests for prayer, a review of the previous lesson, a preview of the current lesson, or a general discussion of some particular general concern.
• Self-Awareness
This section contains the main issues to be dealt with in the lesson. There will be a paragraph or two describing each issue followed by related discussion questions or exercises. Then there will be other paragraphs and discussions on the other points. The emphasis of this part of the lesson is discussing how anger affects the various parts of our lives and strategies to manage it well.
• Spiritual Awareness
The Bible provides many practical examples of how to live a successful, productive life. In fact, it is mostly about how we should live. The topic of anger is no exception. There is much to be gained from this section and most of the laws of the land are based on the same principles. With this course, participants will also explore the spiritual dimensions of anger management as well as the practical ones.
• Application
The Application section contains real-life scenarios where you apply the principles being discussed. This is usually done through scenarios where you analyze the situation and plug in the principles and scriptural insights that apply from that lesson. There are usually more than one that apply. Anger issues often have many aspects to them.
• True/False Test
Don't forget the true/false test! It is not stressful at all. It is a group discussion test that only takes a few moments. You are not graded on it and you don't have to memorize anything. It is a fun activity to see how much you learned and to compare notes with others. In some cases, the answer may be either true or false depending on the situation. The group will help you figure it out.
ROLE OF THE GROUP LEADER
The group leader is not there to preach or lecture to you or have you memorize a list of facts. You probably know many of the facts already anyway. You just need help in seeing how you can incorporate them into your own situation. The group leader's main job is to keep the discussion going and to keep it on track so that everyone benefits from the class.
ROLE OF THE GROUP MEMBER
This is not a passive class where your body is there but your mind is somewhere else. You are expected to be engaged with active attention and thought. You are expected to have a positive attitude about the course and respect the opinions and contributions of fellow class members. In other words, you are expected to grow personally and also contribute to the growth of others.
ANGER DYNAMICS
What is Anger?
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
Welcome to our course in anger dynamics. Throughout our time together, we will be looking for better ways of understanding the anger in our own lives as well as of that in others. This will be accomplished by lesson material, discussion, and group support. The course book will provide information, focus, structure, and discussion guides. The facilitator will keep things going and on track. And you will play a part by sharing your real-life experiences. We have much to learn from each other.
In a course like this, there is a lot of discussion. We want to know how you and others manage one of the greatest challenges of life --- managing stress and anger. The more everyone in the group is comfortable in sharing their experiences, the more everyone will benefit. All of us struggle with these kinds of things.
In our first lesson, we will be looking at the nature of anger. It has many different aspects and each one is important in seeing the big picture. At this point we will focus on what anger is rather than on how to deal with it. That will come later.
General Comments: Expect group members to be apprehensive and defensive at first. This is a sensitive topic loaded with emotion where trust has to be developed over time. Individuals showing the most resistance at first may show the largest gains by mid-course. Be patient. Success is not often apparent in the first lesson where the foundation is being laid.
Discussion Question
What do you want to get out of this anger course?
Expect an answer like “the only anger issue I have is having to take this anger course!” Thank the person for their thought and move on. That person may have a change of attitude as time goes on. Others may admit to needing help, making dialog easier. Thank everyone who shared and explain that their answers will help make this a better course. Sometimes we hear things like “but I am an atheist”. Many times we have seen that change as the course progresses! Participants are very moved by the interest and love shown by you, the facilitator.
SELF-AWARENESS
Here are some of the ways that anger presents itself.
An Emotion
Anger is a natural emotion that we all have unless we are emotionally dead. It is often easier to recognize it in others than in ourselves. It is a feeling that we may deny as having ourselves because none of us wants to be viewed as a person being controlled by feelings. We like to think that we have things “more together” than that.
Denying feelings, though, does not make them go away. They are still there even if we choose not to think about them. Being honest and brave about dealing with them is the first step in getting us out of the control of the ones that hurt us. “You take the poison hoping the other person will die” will not reduce your stress or your anger.
Discussion Question
Why is it so important to recognize anger as a natural emotion that we all experience?
It should help us to accept our own frustrations and feelings. Anger is not easily dealt with because it is so painful. Group discussion should help ease the self-confrontation necessary to better selfunderstanding and the reduction of stress. The material and discussion will also help participants see that they are not alone in their problems. The group will also benefit from how others have handled difficult situations.
Why is it so hard for people to admit that they have an anger problem?
Admitting to anger is painful. It is understandable that people try so hard to avoid dealing with it.
An Outcome of Mental Distress
Anger is often the result of responding to the many kinds of stress that we face. The more stress a person is under, the more likely they will react with an emotional response such as anger. An example of this would be stress at work causing angry reactions taken out on family members who had nothing to do with the work situation. In other words, the boss yells at you; you go home and yell at the family and kick the dog.
Discussion Question
What are some of the ways in which stress has affected your own mood? The mood of others?
Have group members share experiences, then move on.
A Physical Response
Anger produces physical changes in our body. One of these changes is increased adrenalin production. Adrenalin increases heart rate, makes us temporarily stronger, and triggers the “fight or flight” reflex to take immediate action. This is an automatic response when we face a heightened sense of danger.
Unfortunately, having too much adrenalin over a long period of time will be exhausting and wear you out. This works against normal processes that help calm you down.
Discussion Question
Give an example of when too much adrenalin got in the way of calming you down.
Ask for three examples.
A Wide Range of Conditions
Anger can present itself as just a small irritation or as a very serious problem. It can also change over time, for better or for worse. Here are some examples
Anger…
• Can be addictive
Anger can start off innocently and eventually, over time, turn into full-blown addiction. Maybe we feel more powerful when we are angry, maybe we feel justified in our anger, or maybe we just like the attention we get from being angry.
Discussion Question
Give an example of someone who seems to enjoy being angry. Why do you think that is? Do not name names or relationship to you.
Ask for three examples. This is not necessarily a threatening activity as long as the emphasis is on someone else’s behavior. There should be plenty of examples given. Group members may identify people even though you tell them not to. Use personal discretion as to whether you let them continue.
• Can be short-lived or long-term
Some people have a “short fuse” -- they explode but get over it right away. Others have a “long fuse”-they take a long time to get aggravated and even longer to get over it. Sometimes, they never get over it.
There are good and bad consequences of either condition. Those that “explode” may cause damage that cannot be reversed; on the other hand, it is possible to sometimes get the adrenalin out of their system earlier and return sooner to healthy thinking and living. Those that “keep it in” may do less damage in the short term but the anger bud may grow and turn into an emotional cancer over time and “kill” normal healthy life.
Discussion Question
Give an example of a short-term anger episode. A long-term one.
Ask the class for an example of each of these. A short-term example would be when someone spills something on your carpet. A long-term one would be a brother and sister holding a grudge and not speaking to each other for years.
• Can vary in intensity
We all have anger issues. Some of them may be short-lived and some may be long-lived, but there is another dimension of anger – intensity. Some anger may be only an irritation. Other anger can be so outof-control as to be deadly. There are those that openly show their anger and others that hide or deny it, but we all have varying degrees of it in our own personal lives.
Discussion Question
Give a real-life example of anger which is of small intensity. Of great intensity.
Small degree: Someone cutting you off in traffic (unless you over-react).
Great degree: Someone threatened your child. Anger comes in all sizes.
• Can increase or decrease
Anger is like a couple in a relationship. The couple can grow closer together or grow farther apart. If nothing is done to work on the relationship, they will probably grow farther apart. If a lot is done to improve the relationship, it will probably get better. Even great anger can be reduced over time if the right things are done. Small anger can grow big if the wrong things are done or if nothing is done, letting it fester.
Discussion Question
Give an example of how an anger level has increased or decreased over time in an experience of your own or of someone you know.
Tell the class that you do not want to answer this because you want to hear their thoughts. Why is this important to know?
It means people can change and that you do have control over whether your anger problem gets worse or gets better
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
The Bible contains many references relating to the nature of anger (235 in the King James Bible). For each scripture listed, please provide your version of what the scripture is saying and how it relates to this lesson. The blanks in between the scriptures are there for your response. Have a different person lead the discussion for each of the scriptures.
Psalms 103:9
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever [referring to God correcting His children].
Even though God gets angry with us when we do wrong, he gets over it when we turn back to Him. He does not accuse us later and remind us of our past failures.
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Have each person give an example of each of these opposites. Point out the great power we have in steering the direction that the situation is going. You can put out the fire of wrath or you can stir it up just by how you answer someone. People are going to react to how you react.
Ecclesiastes 7:9
Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.
Be slow to get angry. Do not be taken in by sudden emotional outbursts. Watch your own anger or it may cause you to make a fool out of yourself.
APPLICATION
ALLOW MINUTES 25
The following scenarios represent points made in this lesson. Use this knowledge as well as the wisdom of the group to comment on the situation and how you would encourage each person to make healthy choices.
Nearly all the discussion examples in this book are re-enactments of similar real-life situations. The examples are broad enough to stimulate a great amount of interest and group interaction.
Joe’s Scenario
Joe is experiencing a situation where he finds himself agitated and upset over the way he is being treated by his boss at work.
How can understanding the various components of anger as presented in this lesson help him deal with this problem?
We can help him understand why he is so upset and be more realistic about what he can do about it. Though stressed out, he can adjust his reaction to it and reduce the level of his own personal anger.
Mary’s Scenario
Mary has always felt like the “black sheep” of the family and can never do anything right. She has been angry so long she has given up hope of ever reconciling with her family. She has been hurt so much she does not even know if she wants to live anymore. Her anger seems to keep growing.
What could you say to her to help her cope?
Start off by asking how many group members felt like the “black sheep” of the family. The number of responses will probably surprise you. Some possible answers to the question are: Show her that she needs to stop the cycle before her anger gets even worse. Point out that there are things she can to do to make things better regardless of whether other people do the right things or not. Encourage her to get help so that she will get better.
Mark’s Scenario
Mark goes to court and tries to “fire” his court-appointed defense attorney and argues with and is rude to the judge.
How can understanding the components of anger help explain his irrational behavior?
His actions are desperate attempts to show that he is in control even though his anger level and reactions show everyone else that he is not. He feels that life and society have been unfair to him and attacks authority for letting it happen. He has to learn that blaming everyone else for his problems will work against him.
Sally’s Scenario
Sally cannot understand why she is so angry all the time. She asks you as a friend to help her get in control of her anger.
How can pointing out the ranges and changeable nature of anger help Sally gain control of her anger?
She can understand that anger is a natural reaction to stress, that something can be done about it, and that it can be reduced over time.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group. Some may be both True and False.
1. Anger is…
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. False
T or F a. an emotion.
T or F b. something we cannot control.
T or F c. something that I have complete control over.
T or F d. only found in weak and unsuccessful people.
2. Angry people are angry because…
A. False, B. True and False, C. False, D. False
T or F a. that is just the way they are.
This is not an excuse. They can change this.
T or F b. that is the way they want to be.
Some people want to be that way, but some do not.
T or F c. other people have caused them to be that way.
No one can force you to be angry. It is a personal choice.
T or F d. they are bad people.
3. Most people…
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. False
T or F a. are out-of-control with anger at least once a week.
“Out-of-control” is not acceptable.
T or F b. are out-of-control with anger at least once a month.
“Out-of-control” is not acceptable.
T or F c. deal with some degree of anger on a daily basis.
T or F d. do not have anger problems serious enough to worry about.
Everyone has to deal with personal anger.
4. Anger can…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True
T or F a. help you to think more clearly.
T or F b. make you look stronger in the eyes of others.
T or F c. help you manage your situation.
T or F d. consume you to the point where you lose all reason.
5. People that get angry…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. always turn red.
T or F b. always know they are angry.
T or F c. are always seen by others as being angry. Some people are very good at hiding their anger.
T or F d. are worthless.
T or F e. have committed the unpardonable sin.
ANGER DYNAMICS
Whose Anger Is It Anyway? 2
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
Many people view anger as something that just happens. They believe that anger is out of their control and they are not responsible for it. As long as a person believes this, things are not likely to get better. Anger, however, can be influenced and controlled if the right things are done. In order for this to happen, though, its causes will have to be studied. As long as you have a choice about how you behave and react to stressful situations, you have the option of controlling your anger. While it is not easy to confront the issues that stress you, it will pay big rewards in the end. It will lead to more personal control, confidence, freedom, and increased self dignity which comes from the inside of you.
One of your biggest challenges is to look seriously at who you blame for your anger. There are two options.
Them: Somebody else made me do it
Me: I am responsible for my own actions
As long as you blame “them” instead of “me” for your reactions to your stress, your management of your anger will likely get worse instead of better. This is true even if you have been wrongly treated.
Discussion Question
Give an example where an angry person blamed other people for their anger. How did it turn out?
Ask for three examples. If there are no answers, say something like “you must live in a very special world!”. Blaming others is so widespread that most people do not even give it a second thought. Not surprisingly, blamed people almost always fight back.
Give an example where a person took personal responsibility for their anger? How was the outcome different?
You rarely see people doing this. Accepting blame suggests a strong person and reduces tension because the other person does not feel attacked. On the opposite extreme, there are a few people who blame themselves for everything. That is not good, either. We need to be realistic about who is responsible and attack the real problem but not get personal about it.
SELF-AWARENESS
The Blame Game –Somebody Made Me Do It
Most people have heard someone say “he/she made me so angry!” Although many people believe in this line of thinking, it is simply not true. No one can FORCE us to be angry. The decision to be angry is ultimately our choice. A first step in making healthy choices is admitting you have negative feelings. Then you can choose how you will react to them.
For example, Cindy and Roger are both prone to be angry. Can you control Cindy’s or Roger’s anger for them? Of course not! They are the ones who have the power to choose how they react and feel. You may be able to influence them to some degree, but the choice to be angry or not is ultimately up to Cindy and Roger.
Discussion Question
In the example above, Roger goes out and buys an expensive television set without asking Cindy about it. They are on a very tight budget this month. Cindy gets angry and tells Roger he has to sleep on the couch tonight.
How might their anger get out of control and get worse? How could they reduce their anger?
Cindy’s action will be seen by Roger as demeaning and as being punished like he is a little child. It suggests that he is a thoughtless and bad person, and he will fight back. Cindy, feeling she is in the right, might say things she may later regret as anger takes over. Or, she might seize upon the moment to prove that she is in the right and has a right to show her anger. If she acts on this impulse, though, she probably will not get the respect and results she was hoping for. They might reduce anger by cooling off first and then come up with a better spending plan. Better yet, they might also come up with a better plan for handling differences in general without all the extra emotional baggage.
Defense Mechanisms
Defense mechanisms are excuses we use to justify our actions in order to protect our self dignity. They get in the way of honestly acknowledging personal responsibility for situations which make us uncomfortable. We come to believe that our shortcomings are really the fault of others. Our anger increases when we blame others for our failure to deal with our own issues.
The first step in dealing with stressful feelings is finding a safe way and place to admit to how we are feeling. Then we will have a better chance of handling the situation in the right way.
Defense mechanisms are often put into action without conscious thought. Once feelings have been brought out, defense mechanisms can be identified and dealt with, freeing us up to see better ways of handling our stress and anger.
Here are some common ways we use to avoid taking responsibility for our own actions:
PROJECTION
• Look at how bad they are. They are the ones with the problem, not me.
• I am good. They are bad.
Examples:
Doris accuses Joan of being “hot-headed” when she is clearly way more “hot-headed” than Joan. John falsely accuses David of dishonesty when it is John who is really the dishonest one.
Can you think of a time when someone blamed someone else for their own issues?
People sometimes call church people “hypocrites” as a cover for not accepting God in their own life.
Explain how the expression “the pot calling the kettle black” is really another way of describing projection. Why do people do that?
People project their own shortcomings on to others in order feel better about themselves.
DENIAL
• I don’t have a problem. I personally handle things like this very well.
• I don’t need to change anything.
Examples:
I do not have an anger problem. The only anger problem I have is having to take this anger course!!
Hardly anyone in jail admits to being guilty. No one there has “done anything wrong”.
Give another example like this where a person with a real problem just shrugs it off?
Personal answers.
RATIONALIZATION
• I have good reasons for the way I handle things. Everybody is doing it.
• I have good reasons for thinking and acting like I do. I don’t need to change anything.
Examples:
It is all right to lie about paying taxes because everybody does it.
It is all right to cheat on your wife. Everybody does it.
Life is not fair. You have to take what you need or else you will never make it in this world.
Give some other examples.
Personal answers.
Locus of Control
Locus of control is the degree to which a person feels personally responsible for their ability to respond to situations that make them angry. Those who take personal responsibility tend to get less angry. Those who blame others get more angry. This is the “blame game” all over again. It is another way of looking at life in terms of:
Them: Somebody else made me do it
Me: I am responsible for my own actions
People with low self-esteem often guard what little they have by attacking those in authority. They believe that authority figures are the cause of their problems. People who see themselves as responsible for their own actions are less angry and are able to make better choices. They are less inclined to rebel against authority. People rebel against authority often do this because it is easier to blame others than to figure out how to get past their emotions and move on. This helps them justify their anger. It’s the old “it’s not my fault” argument (projection).
Discussion Question
Give an example of how a person you have observed nearly always blames those in authority for his/her own problems. Do not name the person. How angry is this person in general?
Examples are everywhere. There should be no problem in generating stimulating group discussion on this.
Now tell us about a person who seems more confident and feels more in control. Which person seems more angry? More successful?
It is important for the group to see that the less-angry person is going to be more successful in life. He or she must get past the wall of anger and resentment that is holding him or her back. A confident person will find ways to change life situations much more than a person who just waits around for the people around them to do the right things.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
ALLOW MINUTES 25
Owning up to our own shortcomings and faults is crucial to living a life pleasing to God. In the spiritual sense, we are never good enough or perfect enough to please a perfect God. That is why Jesus died on the cross. It was His way to show us that He took the responsibility for our sins, misdeeds, and failures so that we could have a way out if we turn to Him and not have to face a God who is angry with us.
Jesus taught mostly by example. Why did He have to die on the cross? Here are a few possible answers. It showed that…
• He loved us by taking care of the sin question.
• He wants us to be like Him and love others.
• We need to be obedient to the Father just as He was.
• We need to forgive others just as He forgave us.
• We need to get rid of anger directed at others.
• We need to get rid of anger directed at ourselves.
Discussion Question
How does acknowledging our need for God actually make us stronger?
Class examples. It helps us to come to terms with our own shortcomings. It helps us to ask for and obtain the strength needed to help us.
How does turning to God reduce stress in our life?
Class examples. It frees us from just depending on ourselves to handle all the problems of life.
How does turning to God help us to be more in control of our anger?
Class examples. We are more inclined to follow through in order to please Him. We ask and obtain His help. Each of the following scriptures has some bearing on today’s topic: “Whose anger is it anyway?”
Scriptures
Below is a list of Bible passages that relate to our discussion of dealing with our anger issues. In the blank after each question, express your thoughts on how it applies. Have a different person lead the discussion on each of the scriptures.
Luke 6:27-28
But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
How do these words of Jesus show us not to blame others for our problems?
Not only do we not make an issue of blame, we treat others as if they had not even wronged us.
How can that reduce our anger?
It gets us concentrating on things other than our anger.
How can that put us more in control of our situation?
We no longer let the other person or situation control us. It also eliminates a good deal of the retaliation that could come from the other person.
Luke 9:51-56
As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. And he sent messengers on ahead, who went into a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; but the people there did not welcome him, because he was heading for Jerusalem. When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” But Jesus turned and rebuked them, and they went to another village.
Why were James and John angry?
The Samaritans showed disrespect for Jesus because of their prejudice about people from Jerusalem. They did this in spite of the fact that Jesus was reaching out and trying to help them.
Why did Jesus correct them?
They had a bad attitude about trying to get even.
How did Jesus show that He was in control of His own anger?
He corrected James and John simply and directly and then let it go. He did not try to justify his position with “righteous anger” and actually go ahead and destroy the people as James and John had suggested.
How did Jesus solve the problem that the people of the village were not friendly to Him?
He just moved on to another village without making a big issue out of it.
John 19:5-11
When Jesus came out wearing the crown of thorns and the purple robe, Pilate said to them, “Here is the man!” As soon as the chief priests and their officials saw him, they shouted, “Crucify! Crucify!” But Pilate answered, “You take him and crucify him. As for me, I find no basis for a charge against him.” The Jews insisted, “We have a law, and according to that law he must die, because he claimed to be the Son of God.” When Pilate heard this, he was even more afraid, and he went back inside the palace. “Where do you come from?” he asked Jesus, but Jesus gave him no answer. “Do you refuse to speak to me?” Pilate said. “Don’t you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?” Jesus answered, “You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin.”
How did Jesus show amazing courage?
He did not react with anger or loss of control even when faced with death. Who was really in control here?
Jesus was. He emptied Himself of self-justification and anger and focused on His mission of saving the world.
Luke 23:32-34
Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals-- one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
What was Jesus’ attitude toward those that were crucifying Him? Toward those who were being crucified beside Him?
He was forgiving to those who were crucifying Him because they were acting out of ignorance. He offered forgiveness of sins to one of those being crucified with Him – someone who was despised and of low social standing.
APPLICATION
Owning up to our own shortcomings and faults is crucial to reducing anger and stress in our life. We cannot do anything about things that are out of our control. We can only do something about the things we can control, and it is important that we take advantage of those things. It will make us less stressed and more secure. We cannot get that control by taking it from others; it has to come from within.
Peter’s Scenario
Peter has been arrested and has now been brought from jail to the courtroom for his appearance before the judge. Peter doesn’t like the judge’s attitude and asks to “fire” his attorney because he feels he is not working hard enough for him. Peter becomes so angry and rude to the judge that he has to be warned three times to settle down or he will face a worse outcome.
In the example above, explain how each of the following defense mechanisms below has added to Peter’s anger.
• Projection - Taking our frustration out on others
Peter is projecting his own bad attitude onto to the judge and accusing him of having a bad one. He is also projecting his own frustration and impatience onto his attorney. In fact, he is projecting his anger onto the whole of society that the judge and attorney represent. Now he is fighting the whole world for his being wronged and treated unfairly. He will not win this battle.
• Denial - Unable to see that there is a problem
His blaming others for his situation increases what he views as justifiable anger, makes a good outcome for him less likely, and that will make him even angrier in the future. These tactics will work against him, and the people that he had hoped that would help him will walk away.
• Rationalization - Explaining things away
By continuing to justify his actions, he reduces his chances of finding a sympathetic ear from the judge or from anyone else. It looks like this has already happened in the example given. The judge does not take kindly to his insults and suggestions that he, the judge, and the attorney are acting in a biased way. People in authority do not like to be attacked anymore than anyone else. This kind of behavior will not be taken well because it suggests that the authorities are being accused of being unprofessional at the same time they are trying to be helpful. It is an angry, self-defeating, and purely emotional response that only makes things worse for everyone involved.
How does Peter’s anger work against him?
He comes across as an angry, out-of-control, selfish man who blames everyone else for his problems. No one wants to be around a person like this.
How do you think that Peter got this way?
Let the class respond before commenting. Peter never learned the basics of how to deal with his frustrations when he did not get what he wanted. It took a long time for him to get this way. Now Peter lives in a fragile world where he feels he has to force everyone to respect him. The less respect he gets, the more he lashes out trying to demand it. The more he demands it, the less he gets.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group. Some may be both True and False.
6. When being blamed for something…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. always blame it on the authorities. Stay away from the “blame game”.
T or F b. blame the people who caused it in the first place.
T or F c. blame this course for not covering everything.
T or F d. always blame yourself.
T or F e. never blame yourself.
7. Who is responsible for my anger?
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. Me.
You cannot blame anyone else for your own anger, not even God.
T or F b. My mother.
T or F c. My enemies.
T or F d. My friends. Especially my friends, because they let me down.
T or F e. God.
8. What does the Bible say we are to do with our anger?
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. False
T or F a. Stuff it.
It says in many different places to deal with it and get over it.
T or F b. Eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth. Get revenge.
God said that “vengeance is mine”. Also, Jesus established the New Covenant or Testament where the “love your enemies” was the message.
T or F c. In many cases, refuse to get angry.
T or F d. Nothing. Sanctified people do not get angry.
9. A person is showing that a defense mechanism is in operation when he/she…
A. True, B. True, C. False, D. True
T or F a. criticizes someone else for something that he/she himself/herself is doing. Projection.
T or F b. denies he/she has a problem. Denial.
T or F c. accepts blame for something that he/she actually did.
T or F d. tries to justify himself/herself even though nobody else believes him/her. Rationalization.
10. A confident and secure person…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. True
T or F a. will go out of his/her way to show who is boss. Does not need to.
T or F b. will show great anger so that people will respect him/her. Realizes this will not work.
T or F c. will never have an anger issue.
T or F d. does not need anybody else.
T or F e. knows how to reduce anger in a situation.
ANGER DYNAMICS
How to Approach Anger
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
Before confronting the causes of our anger, we need to gain control over our feelings. People often confront the situation that is making them angry without first creating a safe atmosphere to deal with it. This complicates things and leads to many extra problems. These problems can be avoided if some of the tensions and emotional turmoil have been properly addressed beforehand.
There are many ways to create a safer atmosphere. This lesson will provide some examples of how to do this.
Discussion Question
Give an example of how failing to cool-off first has added extra problems to handling angry disputes. Examples are everywhere. There should be no problem in generating stimulating group discussion on this.
SELF-AWARENESS
Stop Destructive Patterns
Is a situation continuing to get worse? If so, a new strategy is in order because what is being done right now is not working and the same thorny problems will just reappear to be faced again. The destructive coping patterns need to be identified and stopped and replaced with better approaches. Though you cannot control everything that happens to you, you can, and must, control how you cope with troubling events and people.
Discussion Question
Give an example of an angry situation that got worse instead of better because the people involved kept repeating the same failed approach.
Ask for three examples.
Manage Your Own Temper Before Confronting Others
What are some of the ways that we can do this? There are many ways that people can reduce or vent angry feelings without hurting themselves or others. These strategies can vary from person to person. Some strategies work well for some people. Other people require different ones. It is a good idea to figure out ahead of time what works for you and what does not. That way you can deal with your rising anger before it gets out of control.
Here are some common strategies.
• Walk Away
• Count to Twenty
• Hit a Pillow
• Go to a Safe Place
Discussion Question
Which of the above strategies have you used to reduce stress? Which worked the best?
The above are common responses. You should have no problem getting discussion going on this. This should show the group how different people handle things differently.
Sometimes you just have to come up with your own approach. The things that work for others may not fit in your situation. You are often the best judge of what works for you.
Give an example of an approach to reducing stress or avoiding anger which is unique to you.
Think Before Acting
Some people like to vent. Others just like to “tell people off”. It makes them feel like they are really somebody. Then there are the ones that feel that their dignity is being questioned and they just have to protect it. It is very easy for all of these people to concentrate more on the anger they feel and feeding it instead of thinking it through and getting a better outcome. A better approach would be to turn off the emotion for a moment and turn on the thinking process. That could be a lifesaver in avoiding problems large and small as well as controlling anger in a constructive way. A prisoner once put it this way: “five minutes of anger got me five years in prison”.
Discussion Question
Explain how spending a moment to reflect on each of the following think-before-you-act situations can keep a person from doing something stupid.
Why do I feel that I need to “tell someone off”?
If you strike out against an innocent party, you damage yourself with that person and it does not even address the person or situation that made you angry in the first place. Also, you have to weigh whether striking out is worth the consequences.
Will I really prove to others that I have dignity by being loud and disrespectful?
You will usually lose the esteem and respect of others by doing this.
Will being disrespectful really get me ahead?
This is almost a one-way street straight to isolation and failure.
Does expressing uncontrolled rage until it has run its course really make me feel better in the end?
No. It ignores all the implications of huge amounts of energy wasted for no good purpose. Besides, it can be dangerous.
Do I really want to be known as a violent, out-of-control person?
Have group members really think about this.
What is meant by the proverb, “You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar”? How does this apply to people?
Point out that most people know what it means but cannot tell you much about how it applies to them. Have class members come up with a personal example.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
Each of the following scriptures has some bearing on today’s topic of how to approach anger. In the blank after each quotation, express your thoughts on how it applies.
Proverbs 15:18
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
Quick-tempered and angry people create trouble that was not even there. On the other hand, patient people can tone down difficult and touchy situations.
Proverbs 16:32
Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.
A person in control of himself enjoys more personal power and contentment than a person who gains control over the outside world.
Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
There is no excuse for being an angry and bitter person. “That’s just the way I am” is no excuse at all. We need to stop it. In its place, it could not be more plain that we are to be “kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ God forgave you”.
Proverbs 14:1
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
This scripture speaks about more than just a building. It also speaks of relationships and family. A person of wise decisions thinks things through will see their personal dreams come true, but an out-ofcontrol, angry person will see their’s come crashing to the ground as a result of their own actions. ALLOW
1 Chronicles 21:7-8
This command was also evil in the sight of God; so he punished Israel. Then David said to God, “I have sinned greatly by doing this. Now, I beg you, take away the guilt of your servant. I have done a very foolish thing.”
Smart people admit it when they are wrong, ask for forgiveness, change their ways, and move on. They are brave enough to confront themselves. They stop their destructive patterns, manage their anger, and think before acting - the three main points of this lesson.
Luke 6:35
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.
We are to be kind to our enemies and not be angry with them. This kinder attitude pleases God as well as reduces our anger.
APPLICATION
ALLOW MINUTES
You have probably known an angry person who made the “life is unfair” statement. It IS unfair. Now that we have settled that issue, let’s move on. Yesterday is gone. All that we have for sure is today. We need to remove the negative emotions that pull us down and take a breather from them.
The danger of bad attitudes is that they are addictive and drag us deeper and deeper into the pit of despair. We need get rid of the negative thoughts that we repeat over and over in our minds. These thoughts can so easily form a kind of nasty, reinforcing cycle and make us even more emotional and angry.
It is the same principle that is used when a person remembers or learns something. The more repetition is used, the stronger the reinforcement or memory will be. This process has a name. It is called “rehearsal” and is used to reinforce good patterns as well as bad.
Discussion Question
What is wrong with dwelling on the “life is unfair” idea?
It will pull us down into a downward spiral of negative thinking which will just fuel our personal anger and add to our stress. If not addressed, it will turn us into selfish, antisocial, and lonely people.
Here is some good advice from the Bible.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
What does this scripture say about the kinds of things we should be thinking about?
Positive, constructive things, not negative things.
How will that help reduce our stress and anger?
It gets our minds off of the things that are stressing us and gets them on more peaceful things. It can also establish a good new habit.
George’s Scenario
Look at the scenario below and then respond to each suggested action.
George is known for his hot temper. Since recently losing his job, his bouts with anger have become even worse. Now nobody wants to be around him, not even his wife and children. Some people think he has gone back to drinking. Other than telling George to “just get over it”, discuss how each of the following actions might help him.
Have him talk to someone about losing his job.
Much of his anger may be over the stress of losing his job. Just having a listening ear may help him feel he is not facing the world alone.
Take him out to lunch.
Most people like to eat, and the soothing atmosphere of a good eating place may get some of the attention off the problem, release tension, and make a person feel appreciated and more inclined to let you help.
Be friendly to him.
It is obvious that George needs a friend right now.
Suggest some other strategies.
George has many anger problems that make his situation difficult and complicated. Each of the strategies of this lesson can help with a portion of his anger and help him bring the level of his anger down. There is no one best answer. Mainly George needs someone to listen and care.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group. Some may be both True and False.
11. A “hot-headed” person is often that way because…
A. False, B. True and False, C. True and False, D. True, E. True
T or F a. that is “just the way he is”. He cannot help it. He can help it.
T or F b. he always wants to be in control. This is often true.
T or F c. he has learned how to always be in control.
To a limited extent this may be true, but it comes with a price. He will only be able to dominate others by force and intimidation, and that will not work with everybody. He will never know what a good relationship really is if he goes around bullying everyone.
T or F d. he feels insecure. Mostly likely this is true.
T or F e. he is afraid people will not respect him otherwise.
12. When dealing with anger,
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. get rid of the anger first, and then deal with the feelings.
T or F b. never allow yourself to be angry in the first place. This is not realistic.
T or F c. work with your feelings first, defuse the situation, and then deal with your anger.
T or F d. vent your feelings completely until you feel better, and then think about what you just did.
Jails and prisons are full of people who did this. Doing this can be dangerous.
T or F e. it is best to be very loud and insistent so that you get your point across. This will turn most people off and they will stop listening to you.
13. A good way to deal with a stressful and angry encounter would be to…
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. True, E. True
T or F a. walk away from it for long enough to collect your thoughts.
T or F b. just ignore it.
This will not work because it will just grow and have to be faced again.
T or F c. stand up for your rights – immediately and strongly. Choose your battles carefully.
T or F d. think about it before doing anything.
T or F e. get away from it for a period of time if it is too hard to deal with right now.
14. The Bible teaches that Christians should…
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. True, E. False
T or F a. always be in control and never give in to anybody when they know they are right.
T or F b. be a doormat for everyone.
T or F c. “turn the other cheek” when confronted.
T or F d. be kind to other people even when they are miserable to you.
T or F e. “stand your ground” if anyone insults you. Being angry and defensive wll not make the situation better.
15. “Thinking things through” …
A.False, B. False, C. False, D.True
T or F a. has no meaningful place in dealing with anger.
T or F b. is a weak person’s way of handling things and does not accomplish very much.
T or F c. has no place in the life of a Christian. God will tell us everything we need to know.
God does not make all our decisions for us.
T or F d. is a good first step to address situations which may get out of hand later.
ANGER DYNAMICS
Settling Differences Peacefully 4
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
Given enough time, everyone will have differences with other people. This includes strangers, people at work, neighbors, family, and even those we love the most and are closest to. Some of the strategies people use in situations like this are (1) no strategy, (2) attack, and (3) work on problems harmoniously.
No Strategy
“No strategy” people are those who do not give much thought to dealing with disagreements. They just hope that their conflicts will go away on their own. They may just ignore the conflict or even go so far as to avoid any kind of thought or discussion about it. In extreme cases, people would rather suffer emotional or physical abuse rather than to admit there is a problem. As a result, the situation that was painful to start with gets even worse.
JOAN AND JIMMY’S SCENARIO
Joan manages the money for the family. Joan’s husband Jimmy just lost his job but continues to overspend the budget. Joan does not like conflict and wants to be a good, sweet wife. Since Jimmy has not responded to her many requests for helping with the budget, she decides just let it go and hope things will get better. What is wrong with Joan’s line of thinking? Why will this lack of strategy not prove that she is a good wife?
Joan’s already out-of-control problems are likely to get even worse. A person can only take so much before all that frustration becomes too great to bear. She needs to have a good, frank talk with her husband and seek counseling for both of them if she wants to save her marriage. If he will not seek help, that should not stop her from getting it for herself. She needs to realize the seriousness of her problem and do something to change how she is handling it if there is to be any hope of things improving. A good wife will always be thinking of ways of making a relationship better.
Attack
Other people deal with disputes by forcing their way on others. They cannot stand to just sit idly by and do nothing when they feel they have been insulted. They feel they do not deserve this kind of treatment and insist on standing up for their rights. These are the “attack” people. They do not necessarily use physical force; they just get angry and bossy. It feels good to “get things off their chest”. Unfortunately, this approach can also make the situation even worse. It is like “winning the battle but losing the war”.
HENRY AND BRENDA’S SCENARIO
Henry and Brenda are having problems over how to discipline the children. Henry grew up in a family where no one ever raised his voice and, in Brenda’s opinion, discipline was too lax. Brenda, on the other hand, grew up in a very strict family. It was so strict it was sometimes abusive. Brenda is very angry that Henry does not take charge of the discipline and has yelled at him several times about it. She will not let up on this because she feels she is in the right and the children’s well-being is at stake.
What is wrong with Brenda’s line of thinking? Why will taking this approach not prove that she is a good mother?
She seems to be ignoring two main facts: that her upbringing was abusive and that each of the parents should be willing to consider the other’s viewpoint. They need to agree on a common formula and the strengths and weaknesses of each other’s approaches. Brenda’s anger will create an atmosphere where the children will not thrive. She needs to deal with it better to be a good mother.
Assume that Henry just sulks and is proud that he is not an “out-of-control” person like Brenda. What is wrong with his line of thinking?
He has turned a deaf ear to Brenda and this is sure to make her resentful. This attitude will clearly come across as his being superior to Brenda. Also, he may actually be using it as an excuse so that he does not have to change anything.
Work on Problems Harmoniously
There is a third and better way to handle differences and that is to work out the problems peacefully. That is the topic of today’s lesson. This approach requires a little more planning and thought, but it is worth it.
SELF-AWARENESS
Come Up With a Plan
ALLOW
MINUTES
As with so much in life, the problems we face are often complicated with no clear-cut and obvious solutions. Many simple-looking situations are not as innocent and simple as they look. We cannot just assume that we are right and the other person is wrong and be done with it. Before just going ahead and doing something or not doing something, we should first come up with a plan of action. What the plan is will depend on the situation and the people involved. A plan made up for other people with different circumstances may not be of much help with ours. The plan must match our situation. If it does, there is a much better chance of actually solving the problem without a lot of hurts and anger.
Discussion Question
Come up with a plan for dealing with the previous two scenarios. Remember, there may be as many approaches as there are people making them. What we want is your plan, not someone else’s. In real life, your plan is the one that really counts. We will repeat the scenarios here for your responses.
JOAN AND JIMMY’S SCENARIO
Joan manages the money for the family. Joan’s husband Jimmy just lost his job but continues to overspend the budget. Joan does not like conflict and wants to be a good, sweet wife. Since Jimmy has not responded to her many requests for helping with the budget, she decides just let it go and hope things will get better.
My plan for dealing with Joan and Jimmy’s money problems would be to…
Do not just let the class repeat what has already been said. Instead, say “now let’s brainstorm and come up with something new. I will give a dollar for the best solution (only do this if you intend to give a dollar). You can use just about anything else you want: a coke, cookie, coupon, etc. Doing this kind of thing once in a while can spice up interest.
HENRY AND BRENDA’S SCENARIO (REPEATED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE)
Henry and Brenda are having problems over how to discipline the children. Henry grew up in a family where no one ever raised his voice and, in Brenda’s opinion, discipline was too lax. Brenda, on the other hand, grew up in a very strict family. It was so strict it was sometimes abusive. Brenda is very angry that Henry does not take charge of the discipline and has yelled at him several times about it. She will not let up on this because she feels she is in the right and the children’s well-being is at stake.
My plan for dealing with Henry and Brenda’s disciplining the children would be to…
Same directions as the previous, but you do not have to offer an incentive this time.
Be Aware of the Message You Are Sending
You are trying to fix a problem. Not make it worse.
Even the best plan will not work if you ignore how you come across to other people. There is an old saying, “It is not what you say; it’s how you say it”. This is very true. When approaching another person about something unpleasant, how it is done is extremely important.
Before we start, we must keep in mind that we all want to feel good about ourselves. We have “dignity”, you know. We want to be respected. Another factor is safety. We do not want to feel threatened or have to justify our every move and thought. With this in mind, here are some guidelines to setting the stage for a successful encounter with another person.
• Avoid Inflammatory Words
Make sure the “main thing” stays the “main thing”. It will be hard enough to work through the problem and stay focused without being distracted by nasty comments and accusations. These actions will not only be viewed as offensive but will also send the message that you are more interested in being right than being sincere in wanting to improve things.
• Make Your Purpose Known
Let the other person know what it is that you want to discuss and why you want to discuss it. Do not expect the other person to automatically know what you have in mind. Even the closest of people need to work to make sure that the communications between them are clear.
• Focus on One Problem at a Time
We all know people who ramble all over the place and never seem to get to the point. While it may feel good to actually be starting to resolve some of the built-up differences, it is not a wise idea to try to bring them up all at once. Very often, each problem is more complicated than it seems at first. Each one needs its own time and focus. Do not defeat your own mission by taking on too much at once. Differences are settled one difference at a time.
Discussion Question
Which of the following strategies of approaching differences with another person needs the most attention in your situation and why?
• Avoid Inflammatory Words
• Make Your Purpose Known
• Focus on One Problem at a Time
Individual answers will vary and show many practical examples of how this works in real life.
How do you think that concentrating on this strategy will help you?
Get individual answers. Point out that this is one of the basic steps of solving any kind of problem: you have to look at the possibilities and choose the strategy that looks like it will give you the best results.
Consider Having a Friend or Counselor Present
Sometimes it is good to have a friend or counselor present. The smart person realizes that a “new set of eyes” will see things that the people in conflict do not. Many good solutions may be lost simply because another point-of-view was never considered. Also, the third person may help both parties to stay on target and not become defensive and abusive.
Discussion Question
Think about a situation where having another person present during a dispute helped or would have been helpful. Share if you feel comfortable. Or, just listen to the group.
Let the group make their comments; then move on without comment.
Getting Out of the Situation if Things Go Bad
There are times when the best plan is just to get out of the situation. This may be hard to actually do because there may be a very strong desire to see things through and be successful. Sometimes, though, continuing on may just not be reasonable or safe. If everything else has been tried and things are still getting worse, it may be time to let go.
“Getting out” is a plan, too, and it may be the best plan under certain circumstances. While this lesson focuses on resolving differences, exceptions for dangerous situations should also be considered. Here is an interesting Bible verse on the subject.
Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Note the middle part of this verse “as far as it depends on you”. There are times when we just need to get out of the situation – emotionally or physically.
Discussion Question
Describe a situation where it would be best for someone to just get out of it.
Allow time for individual responses. You do not have to say much. After a short time of listening, move on to the next section.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS AND APPLICATION
ALLOW MINUTES
Today’s scripture lesson comes from the 25th chapter of 1 Samuel. It involves conflict between David, Nabal, Abigail, and an army of other people associated with them. Read the passages below and for each, write down your thoughts about how anger and pride issues were handled.
Some participants may have never heard of these scriptures. Others may be familiar with them but not made the connections in dealing with everyday stresses and problems with anger. Emphasize the beautiful and skillful way in which Abigail defused the situation and saved a city.
1 Samuel 25:1-5
Now Samuel died, and all Israel assembled and mourned for him; and they buried him at his home in Ramah. Then David moved down into the Desert of Maon. A certain man in Maon, who had property there at Carmel, was very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand sheep, which he was shearing in Carmel. His name was Nabal and his wife’s name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband, a Calebite, was surly and mean in his dealings. While David was in the desert, he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep. So he sent ten young men and said to them, “Go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name.”
What was the occasion that brought David and Nabal together?
David moved, became Nabal’s neighbor, and wanted to be friends.
1 Samuel 25:6-9
Say to him: ‘Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours! “ ‘Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my young men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.’ “ When David’s men arrived, they gave Nabal this message in David’s name. Then they waited.
How did David approach the situation?
He was very diplomatic and pointed out his friendly intentions.
How did David make his purpose clear?
He explained what he wanted for his young men. He explained how his men had been kind to Nabal’s men and had watched out for Nabal’s property.
1 Samuel 25:10-13
Nabal answered David’s servants, “Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?” David’s men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported every word. David said to his men,
“Put on your swords!” So they put on their swords, and David put on his. About four hundred men went up with David, while two hundred stayed with the supplies. Why was Nabal’s response to David’s servants unwise?
His answer was sure to anger David. It showed disrespect for him and insulted him. It led to David declaring war on Nabal and his family.
How could he have handled it in a better way?
Nabal could have refused David without all the insults and put-downs. Better yet, he could have shown a godly response by helping David out. David was in the desert and needed supplies.
What was David’s reaction to his servants’ report? Was his reaction surprising? Was it godly?
He declared war on Nabal. Though his reaction was not surprising in a “worldly” sense, it was not godly either. Later he would admit that his anger got the best of him and was leading him toward actions he would regret.
1 Samuel 25:14-19
One of the servants told Nabal’s wife Abigail: “David sent messengers from the desert to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them. Yet these men were very good to us. They did not mistreat us, and the whole time we were out in the fields near them nothing was missing. Night and day they were a wall around us all the time we were herding our sheep near them. Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him.” Abigail lost no time. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys. Then she told her servants, “Go on ahead; I’ll follow you.” But she did not tell her husband Nabal.
What was Abigail’s plan? Who came up with it?
Abigail’s plan was to give David what he had asked for and then personally try to defuse the situation. Abigail came up with the plan on her own.
Abigail did not tell her husband about the plan. Was she right in doing that?
She was wise in what she did. She was practical and realized that telling her husband would only make the situation worse. It would not make sense to get him angry at her, too. If she told him about the plan, he would be sure to stop her. She literally saved her husband’s life by carrying out the plan.
1 Samuel 25:20-31
As she came riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, there were David and his men descending toward her, and she met them. David had just said, “It’s been useless-- all my watching over this fellow’s property in the desert so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good. May God deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!” When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off her donkey and bowed down before David with her face to the ground. She fell at his feet and said: “My lord, let the blame be on me alone. Please let your servant speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. May my lord pay no attention to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name-- his name is Fool, and folly goes with
him. But as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my master sent. “Now since the LORD has kept you, my master, from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, as surely as the LORD lives and as you live, may your enemies and all who intend to harm my master be like Nabal. And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my master, be given to the men who follow you. Please forgive your servant’s offense, for the LORD will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my master, because he fights the LORD’s battles. Let no wrongdoing be found in you as long as you live. Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my master will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the LORD your God. But the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. When the LORD has done for my master every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him leader over Israel, my master will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the LORD has brought my master success, remember your servant.”
How did Abigail defuse the situation?
She took the blame for what her husband did. She had a humble attitude and asked David to think about it and reconsider. There were innocent people who would suffer through no fault of their own.
1 Samuel 25:32-35
David said to Abigail, “Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands. Otherwise, as surely as the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, who has kept me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.” Then David accepted from her hand what she had brought him and said, “Go home in peace. I have heard your words and granted your request.”
What was David’s reaction to Abigail’s plan?
He thanked her for stopping him from acting on his anger and praised God for her good judgment and called off the attack.
1 Samuel 25:36-38
When Abigail went to Nabal, he was in the house holding a banquet like that of a king. He was in high spirits and very drunk. So she told him nothing until daybreak. Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober, his wife told him all these things, and his heart failed him and he became like a stone. About ten days later, the LORD struck Nabal and he died.
Was Abigail still a good wife to Nabal? What is the basis of your answer?
Yes. She tried to live as normal a life with him as she could.
Did Abigail show good sense about when she told her husband about what had happened?
Yes, but she wisely waited until he was sober. Then she told him everything.
1 Samuel 25:39
When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, “Praise be to the LORD, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and has brought Nabal’s wrongdoing down on his own head.” Then David sent word to Abigail, asking her to become his wife.
What did God think about this situation?
He had put up enough with Nabal and struck him with a terminal illness.
What did David think about it?
After Nabal’s death, he was so impressed with Abigail that he asked her to marry him.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group. Some may be both True and False.
16. Settling differences peacefully is important because…
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. True, E. False
T or F a. people should not have any differences to begin with. This is unrealistic.
T or F b. having differences of opinions is a sin.
T or F c. there are many situations where we have to deal with conflict.
T or F d. things can get worse if they are just ignored.
T or F e. all things can be worked out peacefully if we just try hard enough. It is unrealistic to think that all things can be worked out by just trying hard enough.
17. We need to come up with a plan to deal with disagreements because…
A. True, B. False, C. True, D. True, E. True
T or F a. each situation is different.
T or F b. it means we have sinned and now we have to pay the price for it.
Having a disagreement is not in itself a sin. The sin lies in not trying to work it out.
T or F c. the problem will not just solve itself.
T or F d. the problem may just keep getting worse.
T or F e. a relationship may be destroyed without one.
18. When confronting someone else about something that is bothering you, you should…
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. True, E. True
T or F a. make it plain that you are very angry and that you have every right to be angry. This will only make things worse.
T or F b. show enough anger to make sure the other person really gets the message. You will get farther by addressing this calmly, respectfully, and directly.
T or F c. take his or her feelings into account before you start.
T or F d. state your purpose clearly so that the other person understands it.
T or F e. stick to working on one main problem and not get sidetracked by other things bothering you.
19. Having a counselor or friend present to help in reconciling is…
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. True
T or F a. a bad idea. Another person will only make things worse.
T or F b. a bad idea. It is none of their business.
T or F c. a good idea. They may think of something you have not thought of.
T or F d. a good idea. They may see self-destructive attitudes and actions that you are blind to.
20. Getting out of a situation when things go bad is…
A. False, B. True, C. False, D. False
T or F a. a smart move if you do not get your way every time.
T or F b. a smart move when things are getting dangerous.
T or F c. never the way to go. The Bible says we can solve every problem.
T or F d. what weak people do.
Strategies to Reduce Stress
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
The previous lesson dealt with approaching anger as it happens. This lesson focuses on reducing stress that repeats itself over and over on a daily basis. This kind of stress is especially hard to handle.
All of us have to deal with things like this. It is a normal part of life but there are things that can be done to keep us from being overwhelmed. Healthy people realize this and take the kinds of actions that will make sure that these kind of stresses are properly managed.
Dealing with repeating stresses today will reduce how strongly we will react to it in the future.
ROBERT’S SCENARIO
Robert has a work associate who he shares work assignments with. His associate is quite a manipulator and gets by not carrying his share of the workload by passing it off on Robert. What is more, this associate has a bad attitude and is making going to work difficult. Robert has tried everything he knows to do but the problem is still there. He needs the job but the stress is getting the best of him.
Have you ever experienced something like this in your life? Describe how it felt.
Almost everybody has.
Did you do something that made it more bearable. If so, what did you do and how successful were you? Individual answers.
SELF-AWARENESS
Now we will start with some practical and workable strategies for handling the stresses that threaten to overwhelm us.
Make It a Priority
Things that are building up and getting worse will probably continue to doing so unless something is done about it. The longer we ignore what is happening, the harder it will be to go in a new direction. The first
and most important step is to make it a priority. We have to get serious about it. We will have to think about it, pray about it, attend meetings, talk about it, or even get counseling if it is that bad. Simply putting it off because we are too busy is no excuse for a worsening situation.
Discussion Question
How many times have you had a worsening stressful situation that you just put off because you didn’t want to face it right now because it was too difficult to deal with? Describe one such episode? Did the problem go away by ignoring it?
Individual answers. The purpose of the question is to make sure that everyone understands the importance of this step and not letting a bad problem turn into a terrible. one.
Go Over Your Options
Once we decide that we are not managing our situation very well and the problem is real, we need to develop a plan. We need to look at the options.
Stress reduction can be accomplished in many ways. Each situation is different, and new approaches may be needed. Much of the frustration of stressful situations comes from not knowing what to do. In order to get past this, we need to review our options. Try out the best ones first, then go to the next best if necessary. If there do not seem to be any good ones, come up with some new ones. The more we have, the easier it will be to come up with some good choices. Just taking the time to think things through can produce new and helpful options. Some people call this “brainstorming”. You can do this by yourself or have other people help you. Let us start right now by sharing in the discussion below.
Discussion Question
Give an example of a stress-reduction technique that you came up with on your own and how it helped.
Ask for personal examples. Explain that you need real examples that people can relate to.
Go To A Safe Place
Sometimes we just need to get away from the stress, even for a few minutes. A safe place can be either a different location or a different thinking pattern. Walking outside for a few minutes or exercising for a longer time are examples of changing locations. Remembering something pleasant is an example of changing our thinking pattern. Shifting our focus from the stress to something peaceful will work wonders for us. Philippians 4:8 is a good scriptural reference for this:
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things”.
Discussion Question
Why is it important for us to plan for a “safe place” to go to when we feel ourselves getting stressed?
Unresolved stress turns into unchecked anger and prevents us from living the good life that God has planned for us. We all need to take a break from stress so we do not become overwhelmed and defeated.
Deal with the Source of Your Stress
There are three types of stresses that almost all of us face. They are stresses related to the workplace, financial difficulties, and problems with relationships. Let’s look at each one of them briefly.
MINOR IRRITATIONS AT THE WORKPLACE
Here are some simple and easy strategies that can be used to ease pressures at work: Take a deep breath, get up and take a short walk, and, if possible, find a co-worker to talk to. Plan for the unpleasant things you know are going to happen and build a routine to deal with them.
Discussion Question
Give an example of how stress from a person’s job can carry over and add to the stress at home.
Group examples.
Give an example of someone who manages work-related stress well.
Group examples.
Give an example of how having a plan to reduce stress can help stress from building up.
Ask if anyone has actually used a plan they came up with and it worked. Be prepared to give your own example if necessary.
FINANCIAL STRESS
Here are some options to deal with financial stress. You can change the way you look at it. Take the fear out of it. Make it an obstacle to overcome instead of a barrier. Determine whether it is a minor or major problem or whether solving it will be easy or complicated. Take a course dealing with it in more detail such as the FIT financial course.
Discussion Question
Explain how you would approach minor financial stress situations.
Recognize the problems as minor and should not be too difficult to solve. Understand that problems that seem impossible at first look easier after the ground work has been started.
How would you handle major financial situations differently?
Recognize them as more complicated. Do not be frustrated that solving them will take more time and effort. Break down the big problem into several smaller, more manageable ones.
RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships are one of the most common sources of stress. They are also delicate, complicated, and emotional. It is especially important to separate out the personal emotions and reactions if the discussion is to go anywhere. Also, remember that all parties have to be taken seriously and listened to. The discussion cannot be one-sided.
Discussion Question
Give an example of how to reduce stress in a relationship.
Most of the examples should come from the group members. Ideas might include: Work on communicating better. Listening more and saying things that need to be said even when it is difficult to say them.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
The Apostle Paul had an amazing way of putting powerful thoughts into a few simple words. The scriptures below are from his letter to the Philippians. He was in jail when he wrote this letter. For each scripture, write down your thoughts as it pertains to you and reducing stress. Share with the group if you feel comfortable.
Philippians 4:4
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
When should we be happy in the Lord and rejoice?
Always. Our happiness should not solely depend on how other things are going or what other people are doing.
Is being in a stressful situation an excuse for not “rejoicing in the Lord”?
No. Rejoicing in the Lord can reduce the stress by getting our mind off the negative and into something positive and pleases God at the same time.
Philippians 4:5
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
How can we get through daily stresses without damaging our Christian testimony?
We should be people of gentle character.
There are three parts to the following verse. Notice the message of each line.
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
How worried are we supposed to be about our problems?
We are not to be overwhelmed by anything. If we are overwhelmed, we should take steps to change our attitude immediately by turning to God.
What kind of things does God invite us to talk to Him about? What should be our attitude when we do it?
We should talk to God about anything that concerns us, but we need to have a respectful and gracious attitude when making our requests. Just like in earthly relationships, we are to be thankful and appreciative.
Is God really interested in specific requests from us?
Yes. In fact, He may even be disappointed if we do not make them. Note this scripture: 2Ch 16:12 In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek help from the LORD, but only from the physicians. This passage suggests that God expected King Asa to turn to Him with his problem.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
How will the peace of God help us to reduce our stress?
It will address the two areas that need our attention the most: our emotions and thoughts.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.
What kind of thinking should we concentrate on? How will this help reduce stress?
We should constantly be thinking about positive and good things. It will reduce stress by keeping us out of negative thought patterns that will pull us down into a destructive spiral. It will free us from the traps that negative thinking leads us into.
Now let’s read all these verses again and look at them as a whole.
Explain how they provide hope and inspiration in times of trouble and stress.
Encourage discussion.
APPLICATION
ALLOW MINUTES 25
Apply the principles of this lesson to each of the following common situations. Share ideas that you have used to deal with situations like these. You will probably be surprised at how many people get frustrated with the same kinds of things and at the various ways they have come up with to deal with them.
Below are scenarios that represent one or more points presented in this lesson. Analyze each as a group and come up with recommendations. Realize that your comments may be a real help to others.
The facilitator responses below are intended to add to the discussion, not replace it.
Jennifer’s Scenario
Jennifer has to work with a person at her job who constantly irritates her. She does not quite understand what is going on, but she is sure that there is a problem.
She should recognize that a problem exists and take steps to resolve it; be willing to say things that are difficult to say if necessary; and make sure her attitude does not turn sour if the other party does not do their part. She may have to take other actions such as talk to a supervisor or ask for a change in work environment.
Chuck’s Scenario
Chuck works for an employer that asks him to do slightly unethical things.
Recognize that this situation is stressful and is likely to get worse if not dealt with. Instead of freezing up as is if you have no control, forget emotions for the moment to come up with a plan. Plan when and how you will tell the boss that you cannot do certain things and why. Ask for God’s help. He may have a better plan than you do or maybe an even better job for you.
Harry and Pam’s Scenario
Harry and Pam are arguing over money. Again.
Since this involves two people, change your approach. Agree to listen to each other with respect and agree to come up with a solution together. Stop looking at the problem as impossible and start looking at it as yet another ordinary situation in life needing attention.
Margaret and Rebecca’s Scenario
Margaret and Rebecca are sisters. They have not spoken to one another since their parents died two years ago. Each feels slighted in the way the estate was divided up.
They should take the initiative to change their attitude in spite of feeling wronged. They should consider that their differences may be more emotional in nature than deliberate slighting. Even if they were slighted, it should not be a cause for them to be angry with each other. They should realize that the stress is not helping either of them and should consider that emotional issues have exaggerated the size of their differences. It would be a shame if their differences turned out to be mostly a case of misdirected anger.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group. Some may be both True and False.
21. Tony has been stressed out over work for so long that he should…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. True
T or F a. quit and give up. What is the use?
T or F b. just put it out of his mind, once and for all.
The problem will just get worse.
T or F c. complain loudly in the presence of everyone.
T or F d. “get even”.
T or F e. start thinking of different ways of approaching it.
22. One way to reduce stress is to…
A. True, B. False, C. True, D. False, E. False
T or F a. make it a priority to deal with it.
T or F b. go with your first idea and stick with it.
Good luck on that one. I hope it always works for you.
T or F c. escape to a safe place if necessary.
T or F d. just “go with the flow” and accept that things will never change.
T or F e. ignore it and never think about it again.
23. Some common and effective strategies for dealing with workplace stress include…
A. True, B. False, C. True, D. True, E. False
T or F a. take a deep breath.
T or F b. explain to everyone why you are right and the other person is wrong.
T or F c. get up and take a short walk.
T or F d. find a co-worker to talk to.
T or F e. choose sides if the group is divided.
24. God wants us to…
A. True, B. True, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. have a positive attitude.
T or F b. pray for and love our enemies.
T or F c. “settle our scores” at the office.
T or F d. ask for forgiveness for even thinking we have a problem at work.
T or F e. “just get over it”.
25. Which of the following situations warrant priority attention?
A. True, B. True, C. True, D. True, E. True
T or F a. Minor irritations are putting you at odds with your brother.
T or F b. Your Christian brothers and sisters have offended you.
T or F c. Your financial situation is stressing you out.
T or F d. Things at work depress you.
T or F e. You do not feel safe in the situation.
ANGER DYNAMICS
Biblical Insights
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
Differences Between God’s Anger and Ours
The NIV Bible uses the word “anger” 244 times in the Old Testament and 12 in the New Testament.
Nearly all the anger words in the Old Testament were about God’s anger because His people had turned away from Him and did not follow His commands. In the Bible, not following God’s commands is called sin. In society, not following the laws of the land is called “breaking the law”. It is the same idea.
In the New Testament, most of the emphasis is on personal control of anger out of a concern for the needs of others. The Old Testament showed us that we had sinned and needed redemption. The New Testament provided the redemption (Jesus) and showed us how we should get along with one another. The emphasis was on getting along with “all men” (everybody possible).
Discussion Question
The following Old Testament scripture contains in concise form the essence of what makes God angry. Read it and then answer the question.
Proverbs 6:16-19
There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
In your own words, what kinds of things make God angry?
Things like gossip, looking down on others, lying, meanness, and being a trouble-maker make God angry. In other words, God does not like it when we are not kind to others.
The New Testament develops this further. We are asked to deal with our own anger toward others in light of how “Christ forgave us”. The following scripture is typical of the letters Paul sent to many different churches,
Colossians 3:8
But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
Is the emphasis here on God’s anger or ours?
Ours.
What are we supposed to do with our anger which is directed at others?
Get rid of it.
SELF-AWARENESS
“Righteous” Anger
Much has been made in Christian circle between “righteous” anger and “sinful” anger. There are two extremes of views on this. One says that anger is always justified if a person is angry for the right reasons. The other teaches that all anger is sinful, no matter how large or small. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Though this is too complicated a subject to deal with completely in one lesson, the biblical truths presented will lay a solid foundation for a proper understanding of what constitutes godly anger.
• Jesus in the Temple
The most commonly-used justification for “righteous” anger is the biblical account of Jesus’ anger in the Temple. Matthew, Mark, and John all describe this event. While anger may have been a basis for action, Jesus did not dwell on it or let it detract from His message. He did what was necessary to be brave and make things right. Courage was needed because the people making money in the Temple had already set up shop in the holy place where they shouldn’t have and nobody was doing anything about it.
Discussion Question
Read about this in the following passage and then answer the questions.
John 2:14-17
In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market!” His disciples remembered that it is written: “Zeal for your house will consume me.”
Did Jesus take strong action as a result of being angry?
Yes.
Did He physically attack the money changers and tell them they were going to hell?
He did show that he was angry and He did drive them out of the sacred area. He did not hurt anyone or tell them they were not any good. He just made sure they stopped doing the wrong things.
Was He teaching that it is all right to “get even” if you have been wronged?
No.
How was this type of angry response different from some of the unhealthy and unholy choices that we make?
This is not about our own personal issues, it is about God’s. It is about being brave enough to right an injustice in a way that does not harm another person or go beyond the point being made. It does not involve striking back at someone just because they have hurt us.
• Can We Get Angry and Still Not Sin?
Is anger on our part always a sin? Apparently not. Ephesians 4:26-27 states:
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
This verse acknowledges that anger is a common part of life. It also says anger must be dealt with before it gets worse. It has to be “nipped in the bud” or it can give the devil a wedge to invade our spiritual life. In fact, we are told to keep our times of anger to a minimum and “not let the sun go down” while still angry. We are to put a premium on controlling our anger.
Discussion Question
Give an example of where you defused an anger issue before it escalated into something greater.
At least one person of your group should be able to give a personal example. If all else fails, give one yourself.
What was the outcome of using that strategy?
The outcome is almost always a good one. The class needs to hear practical examples of this, though.
Why do you think the Scripture says “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”?
We need to get into the habit of resolving our conflicts on a daily basis and not let them fester and get worse. It is not any better just to ignore the conflict and do nothing about it. A good relationship with others is a very important ingredient in living a life pleasing to God.
Unholy Anger
Many times our anger is just plain wrong. When looking at anger situations, there is a need to distinguish between God’s motivation and ours. They may be very different! The Bible constantly warns us to stay away from the ways of “the world” and to do things as God would do them.
• Turn The Other Cheek
One of the teachings of Jesus is to “turn the other cheek”. Many people are aware of this principle but do not act as if it is important or that Jesus knew what He was talking about. One of the points Jesus made was that we need to be kinder and gentler and less angry over the things that upset us. He wants us to surprise our enemies by being good to them and even being willing to take abuse from them. In a “dog eat dog” [eye for an eye] world, this act of non-anger will stick out like a “sore thumb” but in a good way [shining stars in a dark world].
Discussion Question
Give an example of anger that was sinful because it was done out of an act of revenge. This will be pretty obvious to most people and should be easy to get an example.
Give an example where “turning the other cheek” actually worked to improve the situation and make the person even more safe?
Make sure that someone gives a real-life example on this, even if it has to be you. Be patient and allow for some “wait-time”. This type of question requires a little more thought, and it may take a little time for the group to get their thoughts together. The class really needs real-life examples because popular culture tells them that “turning the other cheek” is crazy.
How might “turning the other cheek” help reduce stress in your own life?
This is a follow-up to the previous question. The class may be surprised that this really works. Many times conflict is resolved when the cycle is broken by either one of the involved persons. There is no longer the need to justify a need to “defend myself” attitude that insecure people often show. A person can gain respect by showing that he or she is strong enough to weather insults and will not be drawn into a conflict. The class must hear examples of how this really can reduce their personal stress.
• Settle Differences Before Making Offerings To God
Angry feelings often last for years. They can be so intense that people no longer speak to each other. On top of that, people may go so far as to even spread poisonous words about those who offended them. Situations like this are sinful in many ways and need immediate attention. Long-time conflicts should have been resolved before becoming so serious. If there was ever a doubt about how God wants us to deal with our anger issues with others, the following passage from Jesus’ “Sermon on the Mount” should set us straight.
Matthew 5:20-24
For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven. “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Discussion Question
How serious a matter is it for a believer to have an anger issue with a fellow believer?
The Bible and Jesus say that it is a very serious matter. What should we do if we are involved in such a situation?
Take care of it immediately. Make it first priority. Do not even go about your spiritual business until you have done so
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
Our scripture lesson is based on chapter 4 of Paul’s letter to the Ephesians. In it, he starts by saying: Ephesians 4:1-3
“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
This already sets the tone that we are not to be angry people.
Verses 22-27 tell us that we have to do something about our negative attitudes and actions:
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Verses 28-32 conclude the chapter by saying:
“He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Discussion Question
Review the scriptures that were just read and share one way that God wants us to change the way in which we handle our anger.
Tell the group that this is the most important question so far because it makes us apply the scripture to our lives and not just quote it or talk about it. For that reason, we will be spending more time on this question to give everyone a chance to think more about it. If possible, we would like everyone to share an example so that we could all get a clearer picture of what is involved and the types of struggles that we have to deal with.
APPLICATION
Below are Scenarios that represent one or more points presented in this lesson. Discuss the implications of each one of them with your group.
John’s Scenario
John is in prison for life for killing a man. The man he killed was the father of the children he was trying to raise with his new wife, Melissa, the children’s mother. John was sure that the natural father was molesting
the children and felt that the courts were not doing enough to stop it. He could not bear the thought of “his” girls being put in further danger with this man. [This is a true story. The names have been changed]. Were John’s anger and actions justified as “righteous anger”?
No.
Give your reasoning.
He could have handled the situation in a better way so that he did not end up in prison instead of the person that he thought deserved to be there.
Give an example where a person’s life was ruined because of frustration that things were not happening fast enough.
Note that frustration is a common element of anger and we must be able to deal with it and think before acting.
Eryn’s Scenario
Eryn is married to an alcoholic who violently beats her and the children every time he gets drunk. He has threatened to kill anyone in his family who tells anyone else about these episodes. Eryn feels angry and helpless but keeps falling back to the thought that she must be a submissive wife and that will win her husband over to God. She is working on not being angry because she feels that the scriptures teach that if she does the right things, her husband will turn around. Is she managing her anger well?
No.
What would you suggest?
She should stop helping the alcoholic be violent by her passive behavior. She should get out of the situation for her own protection and that of the children. She should also stop taking out all the anger out on herself.
Why?
Being submissive in a case like this will make things even worse. There is no need to be angry that she has to put up with danger like this. She needs to get away from situation, clear her mind, and get some help. She needs to pray for strength and clarity of mind to do the right things.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group. Some may be both True and False.
26. God’s anger is mostly due to people…
A. True, B. True, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. not doing what He told them to do.
T or F b. not treating other people right.
T or F c. not showing more self described “righteous” anger in their life.
We have to make sure that our own motivations are right.
T or F d. not standing up for their rights when they have been wronged.
T or F e. In general, He is angry at everyone.
27. The lesson behind Jesus in the Temple when He cast out the moneychangers is…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True, E. False
T or F a. If we feel we have been wronged, then anger or even rage is fully justified.
T or F b. It is all right to attack someone physically in a fit of rage if we are in the right.
Jesus drove out the moneychangers but he didn’t shoot or kill them.
T or F c. Jesus never got angry.
T or F d. If we are going to get angry, it should be with the right motivation.
T or F e. If you feel your anger is “righteous”, you should hold on to it and nurse it and keep it going.
Jesus didn’t.
28. According to Ephesians 4,…
A. True, B. True, C. False, D. True, E. False
T or F a. we are to be known for being nice to one another.
T or F b. we should settle quarrels right away.
T or F c. we should always stand up for our rights when challenged.
T or F d. our “old nature” has to be dealt with in order to live in harmony with others.
T or F e. because God does not forgive, we should not forgive either.
God forgives and we should, too.
29. The scriptures teach us in regard to disputes between believers that…
A. True, B. True, C. True, D. False
T or F a. situations like this are very serious in the eyes of God.
T or F b. there are various degrees of seriousness.
T or F c. we must try to resolve the dispute as soon as possible.
T or F d. “righteous anger” is justified if you know you are in the right. Even if you are in the right, it doesn’t mean that your anger is “righteous”. Is your behavior really righteous or is it really based on something else?
30. “Turning the other cheek”…
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. False
T or F a. is not in the Bible.
T or F b. means to be passive about everything.
T or F c. means we need to love our enemies.
T or F d. means we will get even the next time.
Finding Your Voice
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
“Why can’t I be heard?” and “Why won’t anyone really listen to me and respect me?” are common questions that nearly all of us have had at one point or another. If we are not careful, though, obsession with these thoughts may make us angry people that others will not want to be around. Not separating the anger from the message we want people to hear will actually work against us.
Here is an example of where anger got in the way of getting a good result.
Discussion Question
Bill is brought over to court from jail for his pre-trial hearing. The judge notices that Bill is still wearing his jail clothes and gently advises him against doing that during the actual trial as the jury may see that as a statement that he is guilty. Bill disagrees and says that he will make it a point to wear the jail clothes because he wants the jury to see how angry he is about being put in jail and the injustices that he has had to face.
How might this action and attitude work against him?
He is showing his hostility to society and authority by focusing on “it’s not my fault” and “I deserve better than this”. The judge and jury will feel personally attacked and may not give his case serious consideration. Jails and prisons are full of people with this attitude who listen more to their misguided friends and their own emotions than to sound advice from those who could really help them.
In this lesson, we will look at ways of “finding your voice” in such a way that our message has the best chance of really being heard and respected. Being heard and respected will also serve to reduce our anger and stress levels.
SELF-AWARENESS
Express Yourself without Anger
You do not have to be angry to get your message across. Many times anger just makes things worse instead of better. Remember the proverb we mentioned earlier, “You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar”.
Discussion Question
Give an example of a time when you expressed yourself in anger but did not get listened to.
Individual answers. Tie to the next question.
How could you have said the same thing in a non-angry way?
Individual answers. Ask the group if this would make any difference.
•
Put Communication First
If you really want to be listened to, put communication first. We cannot expect others to respond to us well when the message is clouded in anger. What they will see is the anger. They will miss the point that you are trying to make. Even if they do get the point, they may get angry and stop listening. They may even respond to your anger in a hostile way.
As simple as it sounds, good communications help. “It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it”.Explore this further in the following scenario.
Kirstin’s Scenario
Kirstin is very angry with her sister Jennifer. She has tried to talk to her about using up the hot water just before the next person needs to take a shower, but Jennifer did it again. This time Kirstin yelled at her and stormed out of the house, slamming the door for emphasis.
Why was Kirsten’s action a poor way to deal with the situation?
It will be perceived as an attack on Jennifer and any hope of solving the problem will be delayed or lost. It will make a bad situation even worse. There may have been some good reason for the behavior this time, such as meeting a deadline or she just forgot.
What would have been a better way to settle this? What facts might Kirstin be missing by being so hasty in her judgment?
She should calmly ask if there was some reason why she did this. This keeps the discussion focused on what actually happened instead of being seen as an attack on Jennifer’s intentions or value as a person. Facts which may have been missing include those previously mentioned plus any others the group members can think of. Ask them if they can come up with some others.
• Speak with Control and Politeness
People in charge of important areas of our lives will only listen to us if we speak with politeness and control. Here is an example.
Tony’s car battery went dead and he hardly had enough money to replace it. He shopped around and finally found a battery he could afford. A problem came up when ringing up the sale. Tony was told he would have to pay an additional amount if he did not exchange the old battery. This would not be a problem if he had his tools with him, but he could not afford to have the old battery removed. The clerk went to check with the store manager, which took an hour. When the manager finally came, Tony was so angry that he yanked the battery out of his car and threw it on the ground. The manager threw him out of the store.
Discussion Question
How could Tony have controlled his anger better?
He should realize that frustration is a part of life, and he should not let it get the best of him. He could have simply gone to another store that would change out the battery at no cost.
How could he have shown more politeness?
He could have stayed calm and waited patiently or told the clerk that he could not wait any longer and go somewhere else.
Get Your Message Across
• To Those Close To You
Sometimes we treat people who are close to us worse than we treat complete strangers. We may expect more support from them or maybe we feel safer with them. Regardless, we should ask ourselves why we treat our loved ones this way. Anger over the way things are going should not just naturally lead into angry confrontations. Anger like that just leads to angry reactions. We will get better results in a lessangry atmosphere.
Discussion Question
Beverly is very angry at Tom because she feels he will not listen to her. His brushoffs tell her that he is really not interested in how she feels. In her frustration, she has resorted to nagging and angry put-downs.
Describe a more effective way of getting her message across.
First, she should realize that this kind of behavior will only drive her farther and farther away from her goal. In the end, this negative pattern will make things worse. Second, she should realize that she cannot control or change another person’s behavior by herself. That person must make the changes and will only do so if not threatened and feels “safe”. She must address the problem without the baggage of emotional threat. If the situation is serious enough, she should get away from the situation in order to let things cool down. She might also seek the help of a pastor or counselor.
• To Those In Authority
People often have angry thoughts about the way they are being treated. They may feel that the system is against them and unfair. That may spill over into bad feelings about everyone in authority. They may want to vent their anger to make sure the authorities know just how they feel. If a person wants to do this and does not care about the consequences, then there might be a brief moment of satisfaction. However, if the goal is to really get the authorities to listen, then the person needs to calm down and treat the authority person with respect and show self-control. That is the only way the larger message will really be heard.
Discussion Question
What is the best attitude with which to approach a person in authority?
Show respect. Say things like “Yes, sir” or “No, Ma’am”. Avoid any antisocial behavior or clash with authority. Keep to the facts and do not get into emotional arguments. Remember that authority figures are human also and do not appreciate attacks on their dignity. They see plenty of that in their role and are more willing to help you if you appear to be reasonable, mature, and personable.
• To Everyone
The principles of getting our message across to those close to us are the same ones that apply for those in authority. In fact, they apply to everyone we hope will listen to us: friends, enemies, coworkers, family, or even strangers. It is quite possible to speak with conviction and send a powerful message without turning everyone off by our anger. Great speakers do this all the time.
Discussion Question
What would be your reaction if you saw a pastor totally losing personal control and focusing on his own hurts during a sermon?
Answers we have heard are: we would lose all respect for him or, he should not be doing this. The point is that you expect more than this from a pastor and maybe we should expect more from ourselves as well.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
Our scripture lesson today involves the Apostle Paul. Paul faced almost nonstop opposition where people were so angry at his message that they wanted to kill him. Time after time he put aside his own anger at being falsely accused and focused on his message. He was actually able to quiet lynch mobs and get them to listen even though they still wanted to kill him.
Read the three Scripture passages below, then answer the questions at the end or each section.
Acts 21:35 - 22:3
When Paul reached the steps, the violence of the mob was so great he had to be carried by the soldiers. The crowd that followed kept shouting, “Away with him!” As the soldiers were about to take Paul into the barracks, he asked the commander, “May I say something to you?” “Do you speak Greek?” he replied. “Aren’t you the Egyptian who started a revolt and led four thousand terrorists out into the desert some time ago?” Paul answered, “I am a Jew, from Tarsus in Cilicia, a citizen of no ordinary city. Please let me speak to the people.” Having received the commander’s permission, Paul stood on the steps and motioned to the crowd. When they were all silent, he said to them in Aramaic: “Brothers and fathers, listen now to my defense.” When they heard him speak to them in Aramaic, they became very quiet. Then Paul said: “I am a Jew, born in Tarsus of Cilicia, but brought up in this city. Under Gamaliel I was thoroughly trained in the law of our fathers and was just as zealous for God as any of you are today.”
How did Paul get the crowds quiet enough to listen to what he was saying?
He asked for permission to speak, motioned to the crowd without anger, spoke to them respectfully and in their own language.
How did he stay focused on his message?
He identified himself and made his case. He stayed on topic did not let his anger get the best of him. Paul showed amazing control and skill in this most hostile of situations.
How did he stay in control?
He stayed focused on his mission and didn’t let the crowd intimidate him. ALLOW
Acts 22:22-29
The crowd listened to Paul until he said this. Then they raised their voices and shouted, “Rid the earth of him! He’s not fit to live!” As they were shouting and throwing off their cloaks and flinging dust into the air, the commander ordered Paul to be taken into the barracks. He directed that he be flogged and questioned in order to find out why the people were shouting at him like this. As they stretched him out to flog him, Paul said to the centurion standing there, “Is it legal for you to flog a Roman citizen who hasn’t even been found guilty?” When the centurion heard this, he went to the commander and reported it. “What are you going to do?” he asked. “This man is a Roman citizen.” The commander went to Paul and asked, “Tell me, are you a Roman citizen?” “Yes, I am,” he answered. Then the commander said, “I had to pay a big price for my citizenship.” “But I was born a citizen,” Paul replied. Those who were about to question him withdrew immediately. The commander himself was alarmed when he realized that he had put Paul, a Roman citizen, in chains.
How did Paul get the crowds quiet enough to listen to what he was saying?
He let the soldiers get him away from the crowd and then he waited patiently for the right moment to speak . He spoke calmly, without anger, and asked if they knew it was illegal to do what they were doing.
How did he stay in control?
He thought things out, remained calm, looked to the Lord for wisdom, and presented his case within his rights as a citizen. Again, he was a master of this desperate situation.
Acts 25:7-12
When Paul appeared, the Jews who had come down from Jerusalem stood around him, bringing many serious charges against him, which they could not prove. Then Paul made his defense: “I have done nothing wrong against the law of the Jews or against the temple or against Caesar.” Festus, wishing to do the Jews a favor, said to Paul, “Are you willing to go up to Jerusalem and stand trial before me there on these charges?” Paul answered: “I am now standing before Caesar’s court, where I ought to be tried. I have not done any wrong to the Jews, as you yourself know very well. If, however, I am guilty of doing anything deserving death, I do not refuse to die. But if the charges brought against me by these Jews are not true, no one has the right to hand me over to them. I appeal to Caesar!” After Festus had conferred with his council, he declared: “You have appealed to Caesar. To Caesar you will go!”
How did Paul get the crowds quiet enough to listen to what he was saying?
Again, he waited for his turn to speak and then made his case.
How did he stay focused on his message?
He spoke directly to the issue, stayed focused, and did not waste time arguing with his accusers.
How did he stay in control?
He exercised his right as a citizen, realizing that he was in a trap. He saw more in the situation than just bad things happening. God would use this experience for him to testify before Caesar. A later Caesar would make Christianity the law of the land.
APPLICATION
Coming to Terms with Your Own Anger
One of the hardest things for us to do is to admit to ourselves that we actually have an anger problem. We may just deny it. Or, maybe we do know that we have one but feel all right about it because we think we handle it well. The outcome is often not the one we expected. See if you can see yourself or others in the discussion below.
Bill’s Scenario
Bill has always believed that it is a tough world and you have to stand up for yourself to be heard. You have to really show your anger to get noticed and command attention. Besides, you will feel better after you have vented.
What is wrong with Bill’s line of thinking? How might it make things worse?
Let the group members answer this one without coaching. Explain that not being able to answer these questions means that the group has missed the main point of the lesson. If necessary, suggest that they review their previous answers to get clues. Then they will have a more practical understanding of powerful ways of “getting your point across”. This is something that every one of us could improve on. It is an area that is vital to our success in life and wellbeing.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group. Some may be both True and False.
31. When making your point with strangers, it is important that you…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. show your anger and disgust at the way you have been wronged.
T or F b. show them how very angry you really are.
T or F c. make sure everyone understands that you will not take disrespect from anyone.
T or F d. let everyone know that you are the one who is really in control.
T or F e. make sure that everyone knows all the details of how you deserve better. All of the above will cause the strangers to turn you off before you even get a chance to present your case.
32. When making your point with a loved one, it is important that you…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. show your anger and disgust at the way you have been wronged.
T or F b. make sure to show how very angry you really are.
T or F c. make it clear that you will not take disrespect from anyone.
T or F d. show your anger for their not really listening all the other times you tried to make the point.
T or F e. make sure that the person listens to all the details of why you deserve better. Nobody will respond positively if treated with disrespect, and the expectations of loved ones may be even higher.
33. Which of the following are good ways of getting people to listen to us…
A. True, B. True, C. True, D. True, E. False
T or F a. Separate the anger from the message.
T or F b. Speak with control and politeness.
T or F c. Show respect for the other person.
T or F d. Speak with conviction for what we believe.
T or F e. Do not use words.
34. The Bible says, with regard to dealing with authorities, that we should…
A. True, B. False, C. True, D. False, E. False
T or F a. respect them.
T or F b. always agree with them.
T or F c. be respectful to them.
T or F d. show “righteous” anger and set them straight when we think they are wrong. It is all right to correct someone if done in love, but it is not if done in anger.
T or F e. never give in when you are right.
Assess the situation. Consider the options and consequences before making a decision you may regret.
35. The lesson that Paul shows from the Bible about effectively getting our message across is…
A. True, B. True, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. We need to be in control of our emotions.
T or F b. We need to stay clear of approaching others with anger.
T or F c. We need to be in “attack” mode all the time.
T or F d. We do not need to respect authorities when they are wrong.
T or F e. We need to correct the authorities with anger for emphasis.
Living with Peaceful Character
INTRODUCTION
Our character is the sum total of features and traits that make us who we are. A reputation may be how we are seen by others, but our character is what we are really like over time. It is how we consistently live, day after day.
Some people are angry most of the time. Some are not. In this lesson, we will focus on building good character based on peaceful living.
Discussion Question
Do you know people who are angry all the time?
Everyone knows people like that.
Do others like to be around them?
Not usually.
Are they happy people?
Not usually though they may think they are.
Do you think they like themselves?
Allow for discussion. Some may say “yes” and others “no”. Have them explain why they think so. Thank everyone for their opinions and move on to the next question.
Compare this person to someone who is peaceful most of the time.
Answers that might be given include “you respect a person like that”, “I wish I were like that”, “they are happier and more in control”.
SELF-AWARENESS
Controlling Anger Is a Lifetime Skill
25
My parents told me about a bad habit I had when I was about two. I had just lost my mother and was being raised by my grandmother. At the end of every meal, I would dump my plate and throw it on the floor. Apparently, I took great delight in doing that. When Dad married my stepmom, though, my new mom did
not think it was very funny. She immediately slapped my hand and said “no”. That stopped it right then and there. I do not know how many times I had to repeat the lesson, but eventually I learned it and stopped that bad behavior. I knew that I could not do that again.
Some adults also have temper tantrums and try to get away with it. If they do not do anything to stop it, it becomes a part of their character. It may take a kind friend to help them see what is happening along with some real effort on their part to want to change. Unfortunately, this is a touchy issue that most people do not want to admit to or deal with. They react with defensive behavior instead of even considering a change. The rewards are great and refreshing, though, for those brave enough to do this kind of self-examination.
Discussion Question
Susan is angry and loud all the time. She argues a great deal and has many verbal encounters with her husband. The feelings between them are so intense that they have separated several times and then come back together. Susan feels she is “in the right”. As for her angry explosions, she feels justified. Besides, that is “just the way she is”.
How is Susan’s behavior like the temper tantrum of a child?
It is very much the same. The child wants his own way and makes people around him miserable until he gets it.
How successful in life is Susan likely to be with this kind of character?
Susan may feel she is very successful, but others see a different person. They see a person they do not like. It is regrettable that she thinks she has to act like this in order to get the respect of other people. Many times, people will respect her less. She may have been in this mode for so long she does not know any other way.
How likely is it that she will change? What will need to happen for her to change?
People like this have usually been doing this for a long time and are used to bullying and getting their way. Until Susan sees the need for change, she will not change. This is also emotional. She will have to deal with her emotions by thinking things through in terms of what she really wants to accomplish in life.
Life would be much simpler if all we had to do was to admit we had a problem, find out what it was, and then do the right thing. It is not that simple, though. Even people of peaceful character have to work on maintaining it throughout their lives. We will not always get our way or be dealt with fairly. When facing a “life is not fair” moment, we will have to reject the angry response in favor of the peaceful reaction.
Discussion Question
John is a school teacher and has been working with a troubled student who has been suspended from school. John disagrees with how the principal is handling the disciplining of the student. He feels it is interfering with his helping the person and has told the principal so. The principal will not budge, and now John is so angry it is destroying both his professional and personal life. His friends see this and advise him to let it go.
Do you know someone who has let anger overwhelm them like that? Describe it but leave the person’s name out of it.
Let the group give their answers.
What would be the best approach for John to take every day to develop a more peaceable character?
First, he must step back and look at things realistically. He is not going to be very effective with his other students if he is in a constant battle with his boss. He might even lose his job over it! He needs to control his rage and use his energy where he can be more successful and create a less stressful atmosphere.
What do the previous examples show us about anger in everyday life?
It is very common and a normal part of our life. It is something that we all have to work on every day of our lives. Some handle it better than others.
People sometimes do things that are self-destructive and are not even aware they are doing them. They get angry and do not stop to think things through. It keeps them from accomplishing the things that are really important to them.
Name some of the anger issues that you have faced where a little more thought beforehand would have been helpful.
Individual answers.
Improving Relationships
All throughout life we will have many occasions when our relationship with others is tested. This could include a difficult boss to work with, a dispute with a friend or family member, or an encounter with a complete stranger. We need to work on improving these relationships, regardless of whether we are “in the right” or not, if we want to be less angry and more likable.
Sometimes you have the choice to choose who you want to be around you. If you want to be a person of peaceable character, it just makes sense to be around peaceable people if you can. You cannot always choose all the people around you, but you always have choices as to who your friends are and in whom you will confide.
Jack’s Scenario
Jack is in prison and has to be around some rough people with negative attitudes. It has started to affect him and his spirit.
How could Jack survive in a situation like this without becoming a bitter person?
A good starting point would be to realize what is happening to him and determine not to continue letting it affect him so much. He should have good, wholesome friends who are positive and he should stay away from the “naysayers”. He should realize that a place like this will have many people with bad and destructive attitudes and he should choose his friends and actions wisely.
Melissa’s Scenario
Melissa has been free from alcohol for a month now. All her friends are either alcoholics, drug addicts, or both.
What should she do about this and why?
The best advice would be to stay completely away from them and get new friends. She does not need to be tempted. She should overcome her fear of the unknown and losing the only friends she knows. She should seek a person she can trust to help her find new friends-friends who will not drag her down but lift her up. She should look for places to go where she could find them such as church or support groups.
Keeping a Clear Mindset
Our goal ought to be to get along with everyone as much as possible. Not only is this a good idea, but we are instructed to do it in Romans 12:18: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. To do this, however, we will need to make some conscious choices. We will need to think before we act. We will have to separate the anger from the thought. We will need to think clearly.
Discussion Question
Describe a personal experience where keeping a clear mindset helped improve the atmosphere and relationships around you.
Ask for three examples. Explain that you want at least three because then the class will understand what we are talking about and how important keeping a clear mindset is. People like people who act thoughtfully and are not distracted by their own personal interests or emotions.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
Developing Godly Character
ALLOW
The Bible is full of examples of how we are to develop the types of “godly” character that we have been talking about. Our study today will be centered on the twelfth chapter of Romans where Paul was writing to the Christians living in Rome. For each of the verses below, write down your thoughts about what is being said and how it relates to one or more points made in the lesson.
Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Does this verse say it is always possible to live peaceably with everyone? No.
Are we at least supposed to try in every situation?
We are supposed to try where there is any possibility. We are not responsible for the other person’s attitude, just our own. We are to try even though the other person continues to be disagreeable.
Romans 12:9
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
What aspect of love should others see in us?
Sincere love and concern. Genuine love.
How should we react to good and evil?
Hang on to the good and hate the evil.
Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. To what extent should we show respect to others in our daily lives?
To a very great extent. We should be more concerned about showing respect to others than worrying about others respecting us. We are to live so much like this that it becomes part of our character. A reward for this is that we will have more (good) friends and gain respect from others.
Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Are we supposed to be negative people?
No.
With what attitude should we face hard times?
We should be patient and look for better times ahead. We should not forget to pray when the hard times come. In fact, we should use the occasion to go to God in prayer and ask for His help and strength.
Are we supposed to have a regular prayer time?
Yes, and we should not slack off when things get tough.
Romans 12:13
Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Are we to be generous people?
Yes. We are to be concerned about other people and go out of our way to be a good neighbor.
How would we do this?
Individual answers. Ask “what does hospitality mean?” Be friendly. Prepare meals. Welcome people into your home.
Romans 12:14
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
How should we react to our enemies?
Bless them. Avoid getting even or shunning them.
Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
How do we react to the joys and sorrows of others?
Identify with them. Be concerned with what is happening in their life. Do not walk away and leave them alone.
Romans 12:16
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
In what ways do we show that we are not hypocrites?
By showing respect to others and trying to get along. Be a friend to everyone, not just the ones who can give you something or help you climb the social ladder.
APPLICATION
Almost all anger develops out of our relationships with others. Relationships can be tricky. One of the key points of good associations is to “show respect” and “be respected”. Showing respect to others is the only part that we really have a lot of control over. Being respected is up to the other person. We might help that person in this direction by our proper response, but there is no guarantee that person will also do the same.
Our character is what we do, not what someone else does. It is who we are, not what somebody else thinks we are. We need to be more concerned about our own character than someone else’s.
Discussion Question
Comment on the following scenarios and give your “expert” opinion on how each should be handled within the context of good Christian character.
Each shows several key issues of this lesson. Explain this and ask the group if they can apply what they learned. If there is no response, ask the group to review the lesson to see if they can come up with an example.
Susan’s Scenario
Susan always has to be “right”. As a result, hardly anyone wants to be around her.
Nobody likes a “know-it-all”. Susan should learn that having to be right all the time wastes time and energy that could be spent on solving problems, living life, and helping and connecting with others She should ask herself why others see her this way and why she has to always be proving a point. Others will respect her more if she backs off of these senseless emotional battles.
Andy’s Scenario
Andy is angry because his boss is not considerate of him and has passed him over for promotion to people less qualified. He is not sure how to handle this. He needs the job but his current work environment is not good.
He will do better if he thinks things through and realizes that he must be realistic. Being angry will not do anything but make things worse. If he stays with the job he must find satisfaction in it apart from the recognition from others.
Tom’s Scenario
Hardly anyone likes to be around Tom. He is moody and wants to argue all the time. He wants everyone to respect him but he doesn’t seem to see the need to show much respect for anyone else.
He needs to wake up and realize he is causing his own problem by turning everyone off. He has gotten so absorbed with himself and his problems that he now has few friends.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group. Some may be both True and False.
36. Anger issues are …
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. True
T or F a. things that some people have and some do not. Everyone has them.
T or F b. of no concern for those who have given their life to God.
T or F c. no longer a problem for those who grow up and stop having “temper tantrums”.
This will help greatly, but dealing with anger will still be a lifetime issue.
T or F d. things of the past for those who have developed peaceful character. Same as above.
T or F e. things we have to work on throughout our entire lives.
37. “Living with peaceful character” means you…
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. False
T or F a. find peaceful friends and avoid angry ones. This should be at least part of the plan
T or F b. get everyone to agree with you.
That is not possible and will make things worse.
T or F c. agree with everyone.
That will lead to more frustration and makes you appear weak.
T or F d. never get angry.
Admit that you are angry and do not let it get control of you.
38. The only time peaceful character is possible is when you are in control of …
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True, E, False
T or F a. the other person.
This causes strife and makes things worse. You cannot control another person.
T or F b. the situation.
Many times we are not in control of a situation, but we can still control our response to it.
T or F c. yourself once in a while. It has to be more often than that.
T or F d. yourself most of the time.
T or F e. yourself all the time.
None of us could achieve a peaceful character if that were true.
39. This lesson teaches that we should …
A. False, B. True, C. True, D. True, E. True
T or F a. never get angry.
T or F b. separate the anger from the situation.
T or F c. think before acting.
T or F d. try to be friendly.
T or F e. work on reducing anger.
40. A “newborn” Christian should…
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. True, E. True
T or F a. spend all available time with drug addicts in order to “win them to Christ”
You should be careful to not be influenced by them, especially if you have an addiction problem yourself. As a baby Christian you will need to be around mature Christians who can encourage you in the right things. Your old friends may abandon you. If that happens, you just need to get new ones that are better for you, anyway.
T or F b. keep all the former friends and find a few new ones, too.
It is likely that former friends may not be the type that will help you now. They may leave you or be a bad influence on you. You may have to get a lot of new friends.
T or F c. expect to still have to work on relationships, even with church people.
T or F d. get some good Christian friends to help learn how to be a better Christian.
T or F e. get some good Christian friends to help with ongoing, personal anger issues.
Working on our anger is a lifetime process.
Helping Others
INTRODUCTION
A better understanding of how anger works can help us to help others with their issues as well as to help us with our own. Since so many people operate with blind, uncontrolled anger, it is often easier for another person to see it in us than it is for us to see it in ourselves. There may not even be any personal awareness of it. Denial of anger is extremely common even when it is intense. There is such an emotional and negative association attached to being an angry person that people will go to great lengths to convince themselves and others that they “do not have a problem”. Others know better, though. It is the same idea as an alcoholic convincing himself that he can “hold his liquor” or is just “a social drinker”.
Discussion Question
Why do people go to such great lengths to try to convince others that they do not have an “anger problem”?
It is a matter of self-respect. No one wants to feel like a loser or a mean person. Being angry suggests being a bad person. There is also fear that changes may be needed and personal anger confronted. Since it is so painful, it is easiest just to deny there is a problem and blame someone else. “It is not my fault” is the most common reason given for not owning up to personal responsibility.
Why must you get to know a person and gain his or her trust first before trying to help with his or her anger issues?
Personal anger is such an emotional issue that people are defensive about dealing with it, even with themselves. Until trust is gained, a person will not open up to you.
SELF-AWARENESS
There is much that we can do to actually help our friends, co-workers, and family with their anger issues. It takes some skill, but that skill can be practiced and learned. We are social creatures and none of us act in isolation. What we do and how we do it affects others. The same is true the other way around. Here are some basic points in helping others.
Control Your Own Anger First
You control the anger or the anger controls you. If you are “under the influence” of anger and have not stopped to think through your own situation, how can you see clearly to help someone else with their problem? You are not seeing yourself clearly. You will be of little help in this kind of charged situation.
Discussion Question
Discuss a situation where someone tried to help someone else with their anger problem but failed because they had not yet dealt with their own anger.
Allow a short time for responses, and then move on. A person who has successfully dealt with their own anger is in a better position to help someone else.
Give an example how a person of “peaceful character” was able to greatly help an angry and upset person.
Spend some time on this discussion. There should be many examples that the group can come up with. This discussion will be a good indication of whether the group gets the point of this lesson or not.
Understand the Other Person’s Point-of-View
You must understand the other person’s point-of-view before you can relate to them and help them. This sounds easy and obvious, but apparently it is not. Most people seem to have a problem with listening carefully and closely enough to get into the mindset of another person. Without that, you probably will not be able to really understand why the anger is there and where it is coming from. As we learned in Lesson 1, anger is complicated.
Discussion Question
Discuss a situation where you gained a much better understanding of another’s anger after listening carefully.
Encourage rich class discussion.
What effect did your listening have on the other person?
Encourage rich class discussion.
How much listening did you actually have to do until you really understood?
Probably a great deal. Studies have shown that most people greatly underestimate how much listening is required to really understand someone. They also show that most people want to be heard more than to listen. Even when listening, people often daydream or do not seriously try to hear the other person out.
There is often a difference between what an angry individual says the problem is and what the problem really is. Anger is often “displaced”. One person gets the brunt of the anger that another person caused. Here is an example that shows both of the topics that have been discussed in this lesson so far.
An employee gets angry at work, comes home and starts yelling at the spouse. The spouse becomes angry and “kicks the dog”.
Another example is dealing with angry customers who attack our dignity.
In both of these cases it is very important that we remain in control and not let it to get to us. We also need to get to the bottom of their complaint and the source of their anger. Often, they will calm down when we simply show courtesy, respect, take an interest in their situation, and try to help them with whatever is bothering them.
Discussion Question
This discussion exercise should be very rich in applying the principles of this lesson. The group will discover how powerful these dynamics are by creating their own learning experience by listening to
one another. They will solve their own problems and the examples will be theirs. Individuals will be encouraged that they are not alone in situations like this, that they can make a difference, and that they can even show leadership in this area.
Give an example of how you successfully responded to an irate person with a complaint and calmed him or her down.
Class discussion. This happens quite often. The problem that was originally stated was not the real problem. What the person really needed was support or a friendly listener. Expect sales people and others who deal with the public to come up with many examples.
Were you thanked for listening?
Class discussion. Often this will happen. People do not really expect you to fix their problems. They just want someone who cares enough to show respect and listen. This is a very powerful need in all of us. It is so obvious and yet so overlooked!
Did you find that the anger was really about something else?
This is often the case. Have the group give several examples. Ask if they really understand this.
Become a Mediator
If you really want to help others, become a mediator – help two or more people settle the differences between them. Again, you will need to keep your own anger at bay, listen carefully, and show a mature attitude yourself. Beyond that, here is a list of other specific things you can do. All of these “solutions” require creative thinking on your part. You help by getting the involved parties to see and act in more constructive ways.
• Identify ways to defuse the situation
As long as anger “rules”, chances are slim that progress will be made. Get the main obstacles out of the way and get the people talking.
• Commit to respect both sides
No one wants to be disrespected. If you choose sides, or appear to, the party that is left out will drop out of any meaningful progress. The more insecure a person is, the more likely that person will feel under attack and get defensive and rebel. You can take a neutral position and show both of them respect.
• Ask the speaker to rephrase inflammatory comments
This simple act of rephrasing inflammatory comments accomplishes a couple of things. It forces the speaker to actually think about what he or she is saying. It may also reveal the degree of personal anger being displayed and how it looks to other people. Last, but not least, it will help everyone involved to better understand the source of the anger.
• Focus on an outcome that is mutually beneficial
Another way to protect a person’s dignity is to suggest a solution that helps both people. Find something they can both live with and feel good about. This is a “win-win” situation. It may not solve all the problems of the world, but it is a step in the right direction. Complex problems need to be broken down into smaller parts so that solutions are easier to come by.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
Malachi is the last book of the Old Testament. It was written about 425 years before the birth of Christ. In this book, God shows His anger and displeasure at how His people had turned away from Him and gone
astray. The people of Israel had returned from 70 years of captivity in Babylon and rebuilt the Temple. After they showed that they had not learned much from their previous falling away, God explained why things are not right. He could have just been angry and destroyed them right then and there. Instead, He carefully explained what went wrong, hoping they would understand and make the necessary changes.
Read the following passages from Malachi 2 and answer the questions about what makes God angry and what he is really looking for in us. As you read them, notice God’s clear communications and the desire for the changes that would reduce His anger.
Malachi 2:13-14
Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
Why is God still angry at the people when they are trying so hard to please Him?
They were blind to the fact that they were doing some things right but totally missing the point when it came to treating others in a godly way. Here men had “broken faith” with their wives and failed to see how detestable that was to God. It was the same as breaking faith with Him.
Why do the people need to understand God’s point of view before they can understand His anger?
Without understanding and listening, they would be clueless and keep on doing the same things that displease Him.
Malachi 2:15
Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
How will following God’s instruction lead to a solution that is the best for everyone?
Class discussion. Suggest that Jesus summed up the whole Old Testament in one short thought: “love one another”. Just imagine what this world would be like if everyone did that!
Malachi 2:16
“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
In this verse, what two things does God hate?
1. Divorce. Divorce happens but it is not the way God planned it. It pains Him to see partners who cannot get along.
2. Rage (great anger) and violence. There is a lot of this in the world, but God hates it.
How does He suggest that we should deal with our violent emotions?
Self-examine and guard against these tendencies. Do not let them damage our relationships with others, especially the close ones and loved ones that depend on us.
Matthew is the next Bible book after Malachi - and the first in the New Testament. In it Jesus said in His “sermon on the mount” that “blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.” (Matthew 5:9)
What importance does God place on being a mediator and resolving differences between angry people?
This is really close to His heart! It makes Him want to say “that’s my man” or “that’s my woman”.
The apostle John tells us in the following passage about the seriousness of harboring angry feelings, especially among fellow believers:
1 John 2:9-11
Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.
In what way does anger “blind” a person?
Class discussion. He gets so taken up with the point he is trying to make that he totally misses out on the many blessings he could have if he looked at the path he was walking and where he was headed.
How is reconciling the best for everyone involved?
Class discussion.
APPLICATION
The following situation illustrates several points presented in this lesson. Analyze each and come up with recommendations.
Stephanie and Sam’s Scenario
Stephanie feels that Sam treats her like dirt. He is angry at her nearly all the time and yells at her for just about everything. He feels that she does not respect him and the conflict they endure is all her fault. Stephanie is crushed and fights back. They have come to you for help.
What should you first do about your own anger and attitude?
Make sure that you will keep your own feelings and anger in control. Do not prejudge. Listen to both sides.
Now comment on how you would use each of the following points to help them in this situation.
Explain that the group is responsible for coming up with all the answers below. This will be a test as to whether they really understand the principles and Scriptures and can apply them to real life. Your role is at this point is only to keep the discussion on track, if necessary, and not offer any advice.
• Identify ways to defuse the situation
Individual answers.
• Commit to respect both sides
Individual answers.
• Ask the speaker to rephrase inflammatory comments
Individual answers.
• Focus on an outcome that is mutually beneficial
Individual answers.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group. Some may be both True and False.
41. If you want to help others be less angry,
A. True, B. False, C. True, D. False
T or F a. that is a good thing that is taught in the Bible.
T or F b. that is a bad thing. You cannot help others be less angry. It is up to them, not you. It is up to them, but you may have a positive influence on them.
T or F c. you should take care of your own anger first.
T or F d. you should start by letting everyone know that you are the boss and will not take any disrespect of any kind.
If you start off with an attitude like this you not only come across as pompous and insecure but will end any hope of helping the other person.
42. To what extent is listening helpful in resolving disputes between people?
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True
T or F a. It is not helpful at all. Just tell them to stop being so childish and grow up.
T or F b. It is not helpful. Deal directly with their anger. Do not waste time with all that useless talk. That “useless” talk may be the very thing that unlocks the door for better understanding and solutions.
T or F c. It has limited value. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes things worse. Listening rarely makes things worse.
T or F d. It has great value. People need to feel that they are being taken seriously.
43. You notice that two people are in an angry argument where each accuses the other of starting it. The FIRST thing you should do when trying to help them is to…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. True
T or F a. yell at them and tell them to be quiet.
T or F b. point out how foolishly both of them are acting.
T or F c. take sides and explain your reasons.
T or F d. tell them how you would handle it.
T or F e. try to defuse the situation.
44. What does the Bible say about being and staying angry with other people?
A. False, B. True, C. True, D. True
T or F a. It is all right as long as it is in “love and war”.
T or F b. It needs to get resolved.
T or F c. It is a serious problem.
T or F d. God hates it.
45. If you see a person making inflammatory statements, you should…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True, E. True
T or F a. immediately leave the room, slamming the door as you go.
T or F b. give him a lecture on how to behave.
T or F c. ignore him.
T or F d. listen to him to see what he is trying to say.
T or F e. ask him to rephrase the comments.
This helps the communications process so that the person and the problem are better understood.
Appendix
Goals and Objectives
COURSE GOAL AND OBJECTIVES
GOAL
• to understand the nature of anger and healthy ways of dealing with it using structured lesson material, group discussion and facilitator guidance
OBJECTIVES
• to engage each participant in personal thought and sharing
• to engage participants to provide their own applications to each lesson’s material
• to provide examples of healthy conflict resolution for both males and females
• to address when anger is abusive
• to recognize the difference between acceptable and unacceptable anger reactions
• to address what to do when things are going wrong that cannot be changed
• to address anger in relationships
• to recognize when a situation is getting out of hand and when and how to take action
• to explore the relationship between anger and the preservation of self dignity
• to challenge destructive belief systems
LESSON GOALS AND OBJECTIVES
LESSON 1: WHAT IS ANGER?
GOAL
• to recognize the many dimensions of anger and to have participants come up with their own personal applications for dealing with each of them
OBJECTIVES
• to personally accept the notion that anger is a natural and ongoing struggle that all of us have to face
• to discuss how things could get better or worse depending on the actions we take
• to share experiences with the “short fused” person and the “long fused” person to better understand both the strengths and weaknesses of such an approach
LESSON 2: WHOSE ANGER IS IT ANYWAY?
GOAL
• to take responsibility for one’s own anger issues and not have a need to blame it on someone else
OBJECTIVES
• to recognize that blaming others for our own faults, denying the facts, and explaining are defense mechanisms used to protect self image and are not helpful in reducing stress or enhancing self dignity
• to discuss ways of getting back control of our emotions without needing to resort to defense mechanisms
• to reduce stress by using spiritual principles
• to stop blaming those in authority for our anger
• to take charge and move beyond blame and hurt
LESSON 3: HOW TO APPROACH ANGER
GOAL
• to regain control of our emotions
OBJECTIVES
• to recognize that we are responsible for our own actions and cannot rely on feelings alone
• to recognize when a situation is getting worse instead of better and do something about it
• to delay confronting others until you have cooled down
• to think before acting
• eliminate powerlessness and negative thinking
LESSON 4: SETTLING DIFFERENCES PEACEFULLY
GOAL
• to settle differences in a peaceful way
OBJECTIVES
• to recognize and eliminate destructive patterns
• to come up with a plan on how to deal with difficult people
• to be aware of the effects of your words and actions upon others
• to think before acting
• to eliminate powerlessness and negative thinking
LESSON 5: STRATEGIES TO REDUCE STRESS
GOAL
• to regain control of our emotions
OBJECTIVES
• to make it a priority to bring down anger levels
• to look at the options for dealing with the stress
• to develop strategies for reducing stress at the workplace
• to develop strategies for reducing stress from conflicts in relationships
• to develop strategies for reducing financial stress
LESSON 6: BIBLICAL INSIGHTS
GOAL
• to grasp spiritual truths that positively enhance social behavior and also reduces personal stress and destructive thought patterns
OBJECTIVES
• to distinguish between the really important things that should make us angry and those that are not
• to investigate appropriate ways of handling legitimate grievances when you are right
• to investigate biblical misrepresentations used to justify “unholy” behavior
• to apply scriptural principles that promote well being for the individual, interpersonal relationships, and society
LESSON 7: FINDING YOUR VOICE
GOAL
• to develop strategies for getting people to listen to you
OBJECTIVES
• to develop strategies to express yourself without anger
• to improve communication skills
• to improve personal views about those who are close, those in authority, and everyone else
• to apply scriptural models for conduct in periods of great distress
LESSON 8: LIVING WITH PEACEFUL CHARACTER
GOAL
• to develop a lifelong plan for managing anger and relationships
OBJECTIVES
• to end destructive childhood patterns of behavior that have carried over into adulthood
• to improve relationships with others
• to develop “godly” character
LESSON 9: HELPING OTHERS
GOAL
• to plan strategies for becoming a better person by helping others to better manage their own anger issues and have a more productive life
OBJECTIVES
• to identify and correct your own issues first
• to listen more and try harder to understand the other person’s point of view
• to become effective in mediating in a confrontational setting
• to appreciate and apply the scriptural guidelines to be peacemakers
About the Course and Authors
THE COURSE
Anger Dynamics is an anger management course which has helped many participants, including their leaders, to better understand their anger and find new ways of thinking to reduce stress. Myths about showing anger as a right and statement of dignity are dispelled. Of the nine courses in the FIT program, this course has been the most likely to be approved by government agencies and faith-based recovery centers in matters of sentencing, case management, and rehabilitation. As with all FIT materials, the easy-to-read and understand format serves a universal need of people to live a more fulfilling and focused life.
The course is a requirement for completion of the FIT Life-Skills Program. The program requires a minimum of 100 hours of facilitated small-group study as well as a minimum of one course from each of the following six focus areas: parenting, personal integrity, decision-making, anger, relationships, and personal finances. Certificates are awarded for each individual course as well as the overall program. The chart on the following page visually shows how the courses relate to each other.
THE AUTHORS
The authors of this book are Dr. Donald Pratt and his son Paul Pratt.
Dr. Pratt received his Ph.D. degree in Curriculum and Instruction from the University of South Florida. He also earned an M.Ed. in Science and Mathematics Education from St. Lawrence University, Canton, NY, and a B.S. in Physics from Syracuse University.
Dr. Pratt was a public school teacher in New York, Missouri, and Florida for 11 years. He served another 24 years as a faculty member on the staffs of Evangel University (Springfield, MO), University of South Florida (Tampa), University of Wyoming, and Bloomsburg University of Pennsylvania. After retiring from university life in 2004, Dr. Pratt assumed the full-time volunteer position of Care Pastor at Journey Assembly of God, Bradenton, FL, in November 2004. While there, he was introduced to Ed White and Fred DeMouey and the three of them planned and launched the FIT program. Pratt is author or co-author of five of the books in the FIT Curriculum. Two of these are published by FIT and four by Living Free, Chattanooga, TN.
Mr. Paul Pratt has a B.S.W. (Bachelor of Social Work) degree from the University of South Florida. He has worked both as an employee and volunteer for the FIT ministry. Mr. Pratt has a passion for the ministry and worked closely with his Dad in developing this course. The structure of the course is largely his work, drawing on his expertise in the field of social work. Paul has also attended Millersville University, Southeastern University, and State College of Florida.
Bradenton, FL
June, 2018
Courses Making Up the FIT Life-Skills Program
150 hours of intense life-skills lessons emphasizing responsible decision-making addressing the most universal needs of purposeful and successful living
A simple and effective guide with a solid and practical basis for enabling the small group to explore practical solutions and applications of parenting. Topics include the importance of personal speech, life style, priorities, and attitudes on child development. Other topics focus on monitoring your child’s environment, identifying behavior, discipline, and abuse 9
Based on the assumption that all of us have to deal with addictions of some type (substances, behavioral, or relationships, it provides a faithbased, non 12-step approach to addressing and handling personal hangups. Participants explore the nature of addictive behavior and ways to cope with it.
9
This course focuses on the purpose and planning that is necessary to start over when rebuilding your life. The chapters cover the process of finding faith, where to look for guidance, building moral character, and maintaining character. The book takes you through four stages: Charting a Course, Staying on Course, Traveling Light, and Arriving Home. 9
A conscious choice to change bad attitudes is the starting point followed up by personal application. Though many people have good intentions to change, they need help in understanding how thinking should drive emotions and not the other way around Filled with realistic scenarios, discussion questions, and easy-to- understand text.
Covers several areas in real life describing where we need to “grow up”, both socially and spiritually. We do this by eliminating the hindrances of life that hold us back. Covers “unmasked faces”, forgiveness, boundaries, childishness, and freedom.
Addresses personal anger in a gentle and progressive way. It starts with dealing with personal anger and ends with helping others and becoming a peacemaker. Group members learn to solve their own problems through numerous discussion exercises. They learn to share and benefit from the experiences and thoughts of their peers. 9
The Dating and Marriage course directly addresses the issues of troubled and broken relationships and is especially pertinent for adults who grew up as orphans or came from dysfunctional families. Effective with couples from all different kinds of backgrounds, it provides both practical and spiritual guidance. This course is especially relevant for current society where Christian values are often overlooked or dismissed.
Handling losses of any type including relationships, job, home, freedom, health, addiction, or death. Group members realistically come to terms with their own disappointments and losses, often for the first time. They see how easy it is to get stuck when issues are not properly dealt with in a healthy way and learn the steps of recovery. Numerous worksheets.
Discovering Financial Success was specially written for the needs of persons who need to start over financially. Habits of indebtedness and poor money and work management lead to destructive patterns that are hard to break and overcome. Spiritual and social responsibilities are also highlighted. Part 1 deals with managing money and Part 2 with making money.
The Plan of Salvation
Is there any good reason why you cannot receive Jesus Christ right now?
How to receive Christ:
1. Admit your need (that you are a sinner).
2. Be willing to turn from your sins (repent).
3. Believe that Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and rose from the dead.
4. Through prayer, invite Jesus Christ to come in and control your life through the Holy Spirit (receive Him as Savior and Lord).
What to Pray
Dear God,
I know that I am a sinner and need your forgiveness.
I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins.
I am willing to turn from my sins.
I now invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal savior.
I am willing, by God’s strength, to follow and obey Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life.
Date
Signature
The Bible says, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13
“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become the children of God.” John 1:12
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1
• When we receive Christ, we are born into the family of God through the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit who lives within every believer. This process is called regeneration or the new birth.
• Share your decision to receive Christ with another person.
• Connect to a local church.
Living Free is honored to partner with authors like Dr. Don Pratt to help churches, community groups and local corrections facilities make a difference and bring others to finding a lasting HOPE through Jesus. We would appreciate it if any group facilitators and members that can, would contribute to continuing the ministry of Living Free by paying it forward.
Living Free exists to facilitate hope, faith, and freedom by connecting and equipping people with solutions for better living.
If you have enjoyed this study and would like to help equip and connect others to hope, faith, and freedom, visit us online to learn how your contribution can ‘Pay It Forward’.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1 Peter 1:3
