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To The Facilitator
Features of this Book
This book was designed to be used in conjunction with the matching group member guides. It contains all the material of the participant books, page by page, but has leader notes woven into the lessons at appropriate points. These suggestions and notes are shown inside a shaded box. Here is an example:
This is a facilitator note.
The major goal of the materials is to provide a platform from which meaningful discussion within the group can occur. This is consistent with “constructivism” educational theory, which has proven to be far more effective and motivational than traditional lecture. Other practical examples of this style abound in 12 Step programs, church small groups, and other support groups such as grief groups or cancer survivor groups. Every section of each lesson contains a verbal activity for the group to engage in. Where appropriate, facilitator notes give suggested answers or reactions that we have experienced through our pilot studies. These notes are for the background of the facilitator and not designed for bypassing the answers that group members would give. Each lesson contains a set of applicable scripture quotations with space for group members to write in their reactions. These are deliberately designed to be open-ended so that individuals apply the lesson and scripture to the setting of their own lives. Use this open-endedness to advantage by taking the time to draw out responses of examples from your clients. There are facilitator suggestions to get discussion going if necessary, but do not pass up this opportunity to get their examples. You may have to encourage them and wait for them to think things through to come up with a response, but it will be worth it in that the examples they give will be more meaningful and applicable to them.
There is also a true/false quiz at the end of each lesson. These have proven to be very popular and a highlight of the lesson. The quizzes are teaching tools as well as assessment tools. There may be any number correct “true” responses to any given question. This may range anywhere from all “true” to all “false”. The goal of the questions is to generate thought and discussion as well as to give participants a chance to measure how much they have learned.
The course directs you to ask the right questions, address the big questions, and guide the individuals in solving its own problems. The emphasis is on what the group members say and think. It is not primarily based on the wisdom or advice of the facilitators. The facilitators’ job is to keep the discussion on track and to make sure that participants interact well in mutual respect. Each lesson is sequenced for maximum effectiveness. The content and approach is simple. It is designed so that the average person can successfully lead a group. It is not highly specialized or detailed. Those matters are left to trained professionals for use in a different setting. There is a strong Christian emphasis integrated throughout, and care has been taken to insure that all content is nonsectarian and can be enthusiastically used by all Christian groups.
While true facilitating downplays giving advice, getting a group to constructively address the large issues of life is a true art form. It is immensely satisfying and rewarding. Good facilitators have the power of unlocking “prisons of the soul” through guidance, prayer, and dedication. It is low key. You only work with people who want help. Attendance in the class is voluntary.
Nine Lessons, Plus One
Lesson 9 serves as a whole-course review. This can be done as a single two-hour lesson or expanded into an additional tenth lesson. The extra time could be used for a graduation ceremony and provide time for a workshop where facilitators help clients smooth up and type their final Effective Parenting Plan. The entire tenth lesson could then be devoted to revising, editing and typing. If you are planning a tenth lesson with a graduation, be sure to let the class know at the start.
Common "Bloopers" that Facilitators Should Avoid
• Do not do most of the talking.
Your purpose is to “lead the orchestra”, not “play all the instruments” for them. If you are talking more than 50% of the time, you are talking too much.
• Do not use the class to tell your story.
It is their story that they are most interested in. Let them tell it. Listen to them.
• Do not answer your own questions.
The purpose of the course is to get group members to do their own thinking and solve their own problems.
• Do not break confidentiality.
Agree that all people are to be shown respect and that no sensitive material will be shared outside the group without permission.
• Do not let one or two persons dominate the group.
Simply ask someone else to speak now or say something non-threatening like “We would like to have another point of view” or “It is time to move on to the next item”. Do not seat the “talker” directly across from you because this will only reinforce his or her need to talk.
• Do not rush to the next item because there is silence.
Some of the big questions we ask require thought and this may be the first time much thought has been given to them. Some of our biggest breakthroughs have occurred when facilitators were prepared for this awkward “wait time” experience and patiently gave the group a long enough time in which to respond.
• Do not allow disrespect to be shown for any individual answer.
This can happen when one person opens up for the first time and is finally ready to talk after a lifetime of hiding it and another person comments that a person should “get over” talking about it and move ahead. Remind participants that all thoughts are welcome and respected and that this is not a debate session.
• Do not offer advice.
This is not your role. Your role is to keep things on track, to listen and to get the group to do their own thinking and provide their own examples. A strength of our program is its focus on the needs expressed by the group, not on the facilitator.
• Do not judge your success based on the first lesson.
Trust has to be built up before some people will open up. Our lesson progression gives people time to adjust. You may be surprised at the progress that people make by the third or fourth lesson, progress that was not evident at first.
Foreward
PRACTICAL PARENTING
Parenting is a daunting responsibility. You can study all the books in the world and still not know all you need to know. Parenting is an intensely personal thing. Our children will grow up to be like us in many ways. Our influences on them, good or bad, will impact them forever.
We designed this parenting unit to be an intense primer on the basics. Its purpose is to focus discussion and thought on universal challenges facing parents – parents who want the best for their children. This unit is good material for all parents who want to be better parents.
The format for this unit begins with assignments followed by group discussion. Like the other courses of the FIT curriculum, the emphasis is on individual and group problem-solving. The materials give you the format, but you and your group members will do the actual problem-solving together. Skilled facilitators will guide so that focus is not lost. Our clients tell us that this is the most effective method they have ever seen and the most fun.
The quest for being the parent God wants us to be will go on far beyond this course. There will be other courses and efforts throughout our lives. This book will give you nine solid lessons with strategies that work. There is enough content for two hours of instruction and interaction for each lesson, although the material can also be adapted for shorter time periods.
Two hours per session is ideal. This will allow adequate time for sharing and going into depth. As with any group interaction, there are no “dumb” questions or answers. You are beginning a journey where you will interact and benefit from each other’s wisdom and strong points. This building on the experiences of others is known as “constructivism” in educational theory. It will be very freeing for you to enjoy the support of the group and know that you are not alone.
You will get the most out of the lessons if you come prepared by doing all the exercises as homework before coming to the group. This will start your thinking process. This in itself is good because part of the purpose of the lessons is to get you thinking about things you may have not given much thought to before. Many times we can solve our own problems if we are exposed to new approaches. Beyond that, having something written in the answer spaces will help you to make a good contribution to your group discussion.
This curriculum works best in small groups of six to twelve members. A group of any size will work, but groups smaller than six can lack the richness of ideas of a larger group and make open discussion more difficult. Groups larger than twelve, on the other hand, can be intimidating or may not give everyone a chance to share.
Life is a lonely experience for all of us at times. Your small group could be a unique opportunity to share and trust and be trusted. We hope this life experience will enrich you and open up new possibilities in being a better parent.
There are two types of people: those who say they need someone to love and respect them and those who don’t. The ones who say they don’t are lying. We hope that you will feel loved and respected throughout your journey with us through this unit.
Here is a prayer that your facilitator can share with you as we start our experience together:
Dear God, we come to you with thanksgiving for the children you have put into our lives and this opportunity to be better for them, for you, and for society. Guide our discussions and visit with us each time we meet together. Grace us with your presence each meeting time and help us to be all you want us to be. Amen.
• EFFECTIVE PARENTING WORKSHEET
One of the features of this book is the Effective Parenting Worksheet, which can be found in the Appendix on page 88-89. There is a place for group members to write in their thoughts and prioritize the main issues described in each of the first eight lessons. Work on these from week to week will provide opportunity for thought and review throughout the course.
• EFFECTIVE PARENTING PLAN
The Effective Parenting Plan can be found on page 91. It is to be used to prepare a formal prioritized list that will show progress made as a result of taking the course. This can be used to show progress made as well as provide a useful tool in better parenting.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Special thanks go to my colleagues in the FIT Network who have guided the ministry into calling for this lesson series. Of particular mention are Ed White, Fred DeMouey, and Tom Walter, who have suggested content and need. I am also indebted to Pastor Don Carter, as a member of his staff, for his support of my efforts and the use of church buildings for administering our ongoing and pilot programs.
Donald Pratt
January 2009
Bradenton, FL
Appreciation is also expressed for the careful work of Norine Hodder who aided in proofing this manuscript
Donald Pratt, Joseph Sheehan, and John Woods
January 2023
Bradenton, FL
2009, published as course 13, Parenting 101, with five lessons 2014, published as course 15, expanded to nine lessons with an optional tenth lesson 2018, edited and reformatted
PRACTICAL PARENTING
Watch Your Mouth
What You Say is More Important than you Think
INTRODUCTION
Welcome to our brush-up course on parenting. Every parent can benefit from it. We all can do a better job at parenting. We trust that you will like our practical and Bible-based approach.
This is a facilitated class in a small-group format. This means the facilitator will guide the discussion and ask some questions, but group members will supply most of the answers. Together, we will problem solve and explore what God has to say. This is like real life where you have to face issues and problems and come up with good decisions.
The Christian has some powerful resources and guidelines for better parenting. One is the Bible. Another is our fellow Christians who share their wisdom and experiences with us. Also, the Holy Spirit Himself leads and guides us as we live for God.
Forgiveness
It is important to start with forgiveness because there may be some in the group that are so remorseful or hopeless about their past parenting that they feel that is already too late for them. Some may even have had their children taken away. Regardless, forgiveness is a key spiritual area that overflows into every facet of our lives.
Before we get started, we must ask the question “Are we carrying around any unforgiveness or resentment that has us stuck from moving on?” If we are, let’s deal with it immediately. Many times the real reason we don’t move ahead as we should is that we’re ignoring underlying problems like unforgiveness.
Here’s an example. An ex-partner abuses the conditions of child custody and support. The disappointment and bitterness rise to the point that it fills nearly all the thinking. Then the child may even be used to “get back at” the other person.
Discussion Question
In the example above, what role would failure to forgive play in the quality of parenting?
The innocent child ends up (1) taking on the burden of the conflict, (2) feeling abandoned by a parent she loves, (3) being forced to choose sides in an adult battle while only a child, or (4) devastated later when she finds out some of the allegations were not true. Allow time for discussion. Wait for it, even if no one answers right away. This is a deep question, and the only right answer is the one your group gives you. Your group can’t help itself until it opens itself up to the underlying issues. This question is key to getting things going.
How would unforgiveness also be bad for the person carrying the grudge?
Allow for individual answers.
As your comfort level permits, share with the group some of the unforgiveness issues you are personally dealing with in this area. Also share how you have been successful in overcoming some of these distractions.
Continue to focus on responses. Spend 5-10 minutes if necessary.
You probably found from the group study that you are not alone if you are finding it hard to forgive someone else. Or, you may need to forgive yourself. If you don’t, you won’t move on as you should. One of the best things about serving Christ is that He forgives and tells us to “go and sin no more.”
Discussion Question
How has remorse for your own past held you back?
Continue to let the group express itself. You do not need to dwell on this question. The purpose is to initiate thinking in the area. The group may address this again later.
Our attitudes have a way of showing up in our speech. As we look at this lesson on how we speak to our children, it’s important that we “take care of business” of any issues that may hold us back. Let’s take a little time for special prayer right now that God will help us overcome our forgiveness issues so that we will be able to speak the things that will build up our children and not tear them down.
Prayer.
Have a group member pray for the group.
MAIN ISSUES
THE POWER OF WORDS
Have you ever heard the expression “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me”? If only that were true! Life would be so much simpler. A statement closer to the truth might read like this: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can be even worse, even affecting my desire to live.” As adults, we are vulnerable. Children are even more so because they do not yet have adult skills to separate foolish words from important ones.
Discussion Question
How many times were you told things such as, “You aren’t any good and never will be,” when you were growing up? What effect did it have on you?
Let them talk. Don’t be surprised by the high percentage that have been told these very words and listen to their interesting descriptions of their effects.
Were you told things such as, “You are special, I love you”? What effect did it have on you?
Not everyone in the group will have had all bad experiences. Some really mixed-up people came from wonderful backgrounds. Group members who have never known this kind of support while growing up need to hear what is like from those who have actually experienced it. Allow notes to be compared and possibilities seen. Point out that the adult who was verbally abused as a child needs to make an extra effort to see that the cycle stops with him or her.
If your answer to the previous was negative, remember that you must forgive the people behind those words. You do not want to be so caught up in your own concerns that you act exactly the same way to your child! We should not “bring to the table” any negative feelings about bad parents, partners, or ex-partners when dealing with our children. They have needs of their own, and we do not need to clutter their world with our own problems.
POSITIVE WORDS
Eastman Curtis tells about a family counseling session he had with a teen and his parents. Both parents said that he was a rebellious and ungrateful child who would never amount to anything. The negative effect of this statement on the son was immediately obvious to the counselor. When Counselor Curtis stated, “Mom and Dad, I can spot a winner, and this young man is going to be a winner” (Curtis, 2000, pp. 1, 2), things improved dramatically and quickly. Later and privately, the parents admitted that they were amazed at how their son opened up to the counselor after that. It just goes to show you the powerful effects of even a few of the right kinds of words.
Discussion Exercise
Recall some memorable positive words told to you while growing up and share the effect they had on you.
Let the group provide the examples needed to show that words are just as much a force for good as for evil. Point out that we all need to be affirmed, and no one needs it more than a child.
NEGATIVE WORDS
Our words may backfire on us even when we don’t think they are negative. This gets especially tricky when used in connection with disciplining children, and any good study of parenting needs to address discipline.
Proverbs 22:6
“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it”
This is a large subject in itself, and we could take several courses on just this. H. Norman Wright does an especially good job of balancing the praise and corrective elements of discipline in his book, Pre-Hysteric Parenting-The Frazzled Parent’s Guide to Harmony in the Home.
Here are some phrases that we all use that Wright says can boomerang on us:
• “How many times do I have to tell you this?” (Are we supposed to count them?)
• “Can you behave?” (a stupid question--of course he can)
• “What do you think you are doing?” (Will this really get you somewhere?) (Wright, 2001, pp. 97-101).
Discussion Exercise
Sometimes negative words would best be left unsaid and be replaced with more effective wordless actions. Discuss how you could do this with the word expressions above.
Let the group answer this. You may add (1) follow the contingency plan already set up for this particular situation. (2) If the behavior keeps occurring, make one up, and (3) think things through first before saying something you will regret later. Don’t let your adult needs (tiredness, frustration, adult issues) distract you from dealing with the real issues with effectiveness.
IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S HOW YOU SAY IT
As adults most of us are very touchy about how people talk to us. It’s not necessarily what’s being said, it’s the tone that’s being used. We’re sensitive to be sure that we’re treated with respect and are being understood and listened to. Our children are no different. They’re sensitive, too, and can be corrected without a “put down”. The way we correct can make a big difference as to whether they accept correction from us or rebel against it.
Discussion Item
Your child did not come home at the appointed time, and you now have to correct him. What would be the best way to tell him the bad news?
Listen for responses. Don’t be surprised that some will even suggest violent physical action before a word is said. Let everyone say their piece, but do not dwell here. Point out that many things should affect what is said: (1) Is this the first time? (2) age of the child, and (3) past history. Emphasize that for maximum effectiveness, words should not be used to start a debate about what is reasonable or unreasonable punishment Also, it should not be more about your own frustration and anger than on addressing the problem at hand. It should not be used as a “put down” of the child when all you are really trying to do is correct a problem. Your words should also be reasonable by adult standards. Having the child say “I’m sorry” may not be enough. Grounding her for the whole summer may be too much. Be reasonable.
SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES
ALLOW
25
MINUTES
In the space provided, write down your own thoughts about what the verse means and how it applies to parenting. Be prepared to share in class.
Have group members show you that they have written in their thoughts. Tell them you will be checking again next week.
Philippians 3:13, 14
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on…
No matter what our situation is or how badly we have failed, there is hope for the future. We have control over what the future will be but none over changing what happened in the past. We cannot afford to let the past keep us from being what God wants us to be today and tomorrow. “All things are possible” through Christ.
Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Notice the two messages: (1) our words are very powerful and (2) we will “reap what we sow” in words. Our words and their tone are not neutral.
James 3:5
Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
Discuss the meaning and have the group give examples.
Proverbs 16:24
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Point out the contrast from the last scripture. Have the group members give their own examples.
APPLICATION
Discussion Question
After today’s group session, what is the main new insight you have gained about choosing your words with your children?
Briefly let the group express itself.
Homework Exercises
Refer to your Effective Parenting Worksheet on page 88. Jot down in the Lesson 1 section the things from today’s lesson that are the most challenging to you as a parent. You will repeat this process for lessons two through eight. At the end of the course, you’ll use your list to select your most challenging concerns and design a plan to effectively deal with them.
Stress that this is worksheet is partial fulfillment for getting a completion certificate for the course. Encourage them to keep it current each week. By Lesson 9, the insights of the previous weeks may be lost.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each answer below. Share your answers with the group.
NOTE: this is a favorite activity. It is fun and sometimes humorous. It also shows if much was learned.
1. We should forgive ourselves because…
A. True, B. True, C. True, D. False
T or F a. God has forgiven us.
T or F b. we won’t be much good to anyone else until we do.
T or F c. if we don’t, we won’t be able to move forward as we should.
T or F d. None of the above. We should never forgive ourselves. We should think about it all the time, or we might do something wrong again.
Most people will laugh at this one.
2. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me…
Note: don’t be surprised that some members of your group may hold these views. Group consensus, though, will probably be that all the answers are wrong.
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False
T or F a. is a true statement.
T or F b. means that we should “use the rod” instead of talking to our children.
T or F c. suggests that we should make our children tough by speaking roughly with them.
T or F d. means that what we say to our children is not important.
3. Telling a child, “Don’t ever trust anyone”…
Expect that some of your group members will have experienced this while growing up.
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True
T or F a. is a good thing. It teaches the child to be tough and realistic.
T or F b. is a good thing. It shows the child that you are looking out for her.
T or F c. is sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing.
T or F d. is a bad thing.
Don’t ever tell a child that. You may destroy a vulnerable little life
4. Telling children you love them…
A. True, B. True, C. False, D. False
T or F a. is a good thing. They need to hear that to be secure.
T or F b. is a good thing. It will make them feel worthwhile and help them to flourish.
T or F c. is sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing, especially when you want to punish them or teach them a lesson.
Withdrawing love to manipulate is a form of abuse. You punish children because you love them, not because you stop loving them when they act immaturely.
T or F d. is a bad thing. Children need to be shown love – not told it. Words are empty.
Words are never empty. Children need to be shown love and told they are loved.
5. Instead of angrily making statements like “can’t you ever learn anything?” it might be more appropriate to discipline a child by …
Most groups will find the responses amusing.
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. False
T or F a. calmly telling him that you have given up all hope in him.
T or F b. totally ignoring the situation without saying anything.
T or F c. just impose a restriction without a lot of words or fanfare.
T or F d. Spank him three times, telling him calmly, between each swat, that you doubt he will ever make it.
Watch Your Life
Do You Really Want Your Child to be Just Like You?
INTRODUCTION
The Forgiveness Thing
In the last lesson, we discussed the need to forgive because failing to forgive would hamper our parenting effectiveness. This included both forgiving others and forgiving ourselves.
Homework Question
As you feel comfortable, share your homework assignment from the last lesson.
Allow for discussion.
Without even being aware of it, our children will grow up to be just like us in many ways. That isn’t all bad, because we all have our good points as well as bad points. As we learn to live closer to Christ, their patterning after us is a good thing.
If we haven’t yet dealt with the ultimate forgiveness issue, we need to take it to God and let Him forgive us and transform us.
Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
If you have not discovered the new life of living for Jesus and would like to, please turn to page <?> now and pray the prayer. It will be a major turning point in your life and that will give you purpose and direction. You will stop living only for yourself and start living for God.
MAIN ISSUES
The first lesson focused on what we say. This entire lesson emphasizes how we lead by action and example. It is impossible to say which of the two lessons is the most important because both are so necessary and they blend together.
Parenting by Example
We first learned about the world from our parents or those who raised us. What we learned then profoundly affects our views of things. Young, developing children learn from their caretakers. When young children are heard “talking trash” with vile language, we should not blame the child. The child had to learn “the wrong thing” somewhere. Though there are exceptions, harmful practices such as violence, selfishness, negativity, smoking, drug and alcohol abuse, or reckless behavior are often passed from one generation to the next. Many times, without realizing it, we even pass some of this hidden baggage onto our own children by way of our example.
As adults, we have reasoning tools that children do not have that will help us to get out of the rut of destructive patterns. Knowledge is power. It is what we don’t know about what we don’t know that will hurt us. The more we deal with our own (sometimes hidden) shortcomings, the easier it will be to deal with our children’s. The more unselfish and dedicated we become, the more our children will learn to become unselfish and dedicated. We do most of our best leading by example, not by words!
Discussion Questions
Take time in the group to have at least one go-around for each of the following questions. If you do not want to share, just say, “I pass.”
1. What bad things did you learn from your parents that you have to cope with today?
Expect to hear some dramatic stories. Listen with respect and without giving advice.
2. What good things did you learn from them that have helped you along life’s way?
Expect to hear some positive things. Encourage those with negative experiences to see some of the positive things their parents did.
3. Share how the knowledge of the above will affect how you raise your children.
Allow ample time for discussion. Getting the group to think and talk about applying this is one of the central goals of this lesson.
Our God
Our True Self
There is another parent-child dimension, that of God and servant of God, or Creator and the created. As we mature as a child of God ourselves, we will become better parents as well. We will learn what our identity and purpose are supposed to be. Don’t we want our children to have this precious gift as well? As we come into the niche God wants to have, we can better guide our children to that place in their own lives.
Overcoming Shortcomings
We all have experienced shortcomings in the way we were raised, the way we have lived ourselves, or the way we parented our children. To have failed is merely human, but to overcome with the help of God is priceless and the only good option.
It does us little good just to be aware of the limitations of the past. We need to use this knowledge to work in a productive fashion to “turn the ship around” and go on to better things. It is up to us, with God’s help, to make this happen. Romans 12:21 states, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Progress starts when we decide which path we are going to take and then follow through on it. Life is a struggle from beginning to end. It takes effort. It takes choices. Determination is necessary for living the godly life,
1 John 5:4)
“for everyone born of God overcomes the world” and, “This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.”
Discussion Exercise and Question
In the list below, check which item(s) is/are/has been/have been a challenge for you.
Have the group thoroughly do this exercise and answer the question. It is the primary goal of this lesson for them to do their own problem solving and thinking about how to approach these things.
What is your plan for dealing with those challenges?
Allow for discussion.
Building on Family Strengths
Not everything in our past and present is negative. We need to celebrate the unique and positive aspects of our families as well.
This is another important exercise.
Discussion Exercise
Below is a list of family strengths that could be promoted and developed. Check the ones that most apply to you and discuss what you cherish the most and why.
___godly heritage ___family traditions ___involvement of the extended family ___support of the church family
Allow for discussion.
SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES
The Ten Commandments
If we want to live a righteous and godly life, one that we can feel good about leading our children in, we would be well advised to follow the Ten Commandments ourselves as well as teach them. The 20th chapter of Exodus spells them out.
The Ten Commandments are the foundation of belief and behavior for both Jews and Christians. They start with the statement, “I am the Lord your God” Exodus 20:2.
This is the basis for all the other commandments. Catholics, Jews, and Orthodox regard this as the first commandment. Other Christian groups claim that it is the preface to all of the commandments. Regardless of how we classify it, the message is the same. We belong to God, and that means we seek to do His will, not our own.
NO OTHER GODS
The next statement is “You shall have no other gods before me.” Exodus 20:3.
This means there will be no other priorities ahead of our God, not drugs, not addictions, not relationships that are bad for us. We are to make up our minds to serve Him and Him alone.
NO IDOLS
The third statement tells us we are not to have idols in our life (things we “worship” other than God). If we want our children to live godly lives, they must see us showing them how. If we fail, they are affected. If we succeed, they are affected. Read the passage below in light of where we are lacking in whom we are or should be in Christ and how this can affect our children and theirs as well.
Exodus 20:4, 5
You shall not make for yourself an idol [drugs, alcohol, person, wealth – our suggestions] in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me….
Discussion Question
In the passage above, how does “worshiping” (having in highest priority) other things instead of God harm us personally as well as our parenting?
It separates us from God and His plans for us.
Now look at the rewards of godly living:
Exodus 20:6
…but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Discussion Question
What is the reward for replacing our idols [addictions, hang-ups, etc.] with a primary focus on God and His Commandments?
It is hundreds of times better.
Discuss the difference in God’s reaction to us between when we make “idols” for ourselves and when we put Him first. What are the implications for our children?
Key points: You have to make a choice between living for God and living for yourself and what you feel like doing. If you love your hang-ups more than God, you won’t change. We can’t lead our children into serving God and living the godly life very well if we aren’t doing it ourselves.
I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD/NO OTHER GODS/NO IDOLS
Roman Catholics and Lutherans combine all three phrases into one commandment. Jews, Orthodox, and other Christian groups split them into two commandments.
Discussion Question
How do these three statements all say the same thing? What are the implications for our personal life?
Let the group come up with their own answers. The purpose is to get them to think and express their thoughts.
Discussion Question
The other commandments
Here are the other commandments:
• No using God’s name in vain
• Remember the Sabbath
• Honor your father and mother
• Don’t kill
• Don’t commit adultery
• Don’t steal
• Don’t bear false witness against your neighbor
• Don’t covet your neighbor’s wife
• Don’t covet anything that belongs to your neighbor
Which of these commandments do you need to work on? Do you see how this will make you a better parent?
Group discussion.
APPLICATION
This whole lesson has been about our being real and genuine so that we can lead our children to do the same by example. If our focus and decision-making are right, we can show our children how to do the right thing by our actions as well as our words. If we have it together, then those who follow us are more apt to, also. It is our choice and means we have to set priorities, but a disciplined life is the real key to right living and overcoming. ALLOW MINUTES 25
We are commanded to choose God, and, when we do, He accepts us. He transforms us. He gives us the reason and strength to be what we should be. We now have a goal that stretches beyond just ourselves and our needs. It is precious and beautiful. If we have the right goal, we can show our children that they can have it too.
Discussion Question
1 Peter 2:9
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. What hope is found in this Scripture for a better and different future for you and your children?
We are chosen of God and called out of darkness. We will now walk in the light and declare His praises.
Assignment for next lesson
Between now and the next lesson, study Exodus chapter 20 in light of today’s discussion. Then do the homework exercise below:
Refer to your Effective Parenting Worksheet on pag 88. Jot down what you think will be most challenging about each topic from today’s lesson for you as a parent. At the end of the course, you’ll select the seven most challenging and design a plan to effectively deal with them.
Stress that this is worksheet is partial fulfillment for getting a completion certificate for the course. Encourage them to keep it current each week. By Lesson 9, the insights of the previous weeks may be lost.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each answer below. Share your answers with the group.
6. If we had to choose between saying the right things and being the right kind of person, it would benefit our children more to…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True, E. False
T or F a. say the right things with the right tone of voice.
T or F b. say only good things.
Children also need correction
T or F c. verbally correct every single, little mistake.
T or F d. be the right kind of person. If we respect ourselves, our children will also respect us.
T or F e. None of the above. If you spare the rod, you will spoil the child. Being a good parent involves more than just punishing all the time.
7. It is important for us to face our own shortcomings and those passed down to us because…
A. True, B. True, C. True, D. False
T or F a. our children are apt to develop the same behavior.
T or F b. ignoring them won’t make them better or go away.
T or F c. we may not even be aware of them and the effect they are having on the children.
T or F d. None of the above. If we are living for God, we don’t have any such concerns.
8. One of the rewards for putting God first in our life is…
A. False, B. True, C. True, D. True
T or F a. a life of ease, pleasure, and wealth.
T or F b. God’s blessings on our children.
T or F c. increased personal identity for ourselves.
T or F d. a more fulfilling life for both our children and us.
9. We can develop a better “sense of family” by
A. False, B. True, C. True, D. False, E. True
T or F a. constantly reminding the children of who is the boss.
T or F b. continuing positive family traditions.
T or F c. establishing new family traditions.
T or F d. sending the children to church.
T or F e. taking the children to church.
10. We should teach our children the Ten Commandments …
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True, E. False
T or F a. because that’s all they will ever have to know about life and growing up.
T or F b. because they are too young to understand anything else.
T or F c. because then they will know what they are supposed to do and I won’t have to worry about how I live my own life.
T or F d. by living them ourselves.
T or F e. None of the above. Children don’t need to know anything about the Ten Commandments.
Watch Your Priorities
What is Really Important to You?
INTRODUCTION
Lesson 1 dealt with what we say. Lesson 2 was about who we are and what we do. Lessons 3-5 will go more into depth on the practical side of what we say and do. It would be nice if there were a “one size fits all” checklist that solves all our problems or a book that tells us everything we will face as parents, but there isn’t one. We must face the realization that our walk through life is an individual path with its own special set of problems, joys, and sorrows. We deal with these events as they come along and hope to make good decisions. Making good choices will depend on following up on what is most important to us. Another way of saying this is, “We have to set the right priorities”. Priority setting must be a deliberate act, thought out ahead of time, and will often involve sacrifice. Once the priorities are set, they need maintaining so the ground gained is not lost.
We hope that one of your priorities is to include God in your life. At this point, take some time to share with your group the insights you gained from last lesson’s homework assignment.
Review Exercise
List three new insights gained from the study of the Ten Commandments.
Patiently wait for responses. If you get some, it is proof that the last lesson was remembered. The main tie-in here is that making God our first priority helps us keep all our other priorities in line.
MAIN ISSUES
Our priorities are our salvation. Without them we go about unfocused and drifting. With them, we can accomplish the things that mean the most to us. Each person needs to work out his or her own individual plan. Here are four priorities that will help make us better parents.
Spend your time wisely
We have all heard about “quality time” spent with children. We must make sure that our time with them is effective and that we bond. If we are not careful, though, we might fall into a trap of excusing our lack of spending much time with them by recalling a few cases where “quality” time was spent. Quality is important, but so is making time a priority. Life is busy, and we have our own concerns, which can use up all of our time if we are not careful.
We have to plan to have time with our child, and that does not just mean that we live in the same house with her. It should involve more than just letting her watch television while we do something else or serving her dinner without finding out what is going on in her life. Some of it is quality, and some of it involves time.
Most likely, we will have to “invent” some of the time needed. Though it may be brief, it must be a regular item and high on our “to do” list.
Discussion Question
What are some of the ways that you could change your schedule in order to have more quality time with your child?
Individual discussion.
Which areas need a little more attention?
Individual discussion.
Parenting requires sacrifice. Children are not adults and cannot supply our adult needs. They do need adult supervision and direction to grow up right.
Listen
We not only need to say the right things, and be the right person, but we also need to listen to our children so we know where they are in their thinking and mindset. Listening is a skill we could all cultivate as adults, but it is just as necessary with children. H. Norman Wright points out this need with several scriptural references in his book Pre-Hysteric Parenting (Wright, 2001, pp. 111-112).
Build Memories
LITTLE TRADITIONS
Special little observances are important for you to bond with your son and he with you. It could be as simple as having him put a special ornament on the Christmas tree each year. It could be having family devotions regularly. Or it might be having special dinners together every so often. This could be daily, weekly, monthly, or on special occasions, depending on the circumstances.
Discussion Exercise
Discuss some family traditions that you could establish that would help in bonding with your child.
Individual discussion.
SACRIFICING TO BUILD MEMORIES
My wife was gravely ill when my two sons were teenagers. When summertime came and they were out of school, we decided to build good memories by taking them to the beach on a camping trip. My wife could not go, but I took them anyway. The boys always looked forward to summers when they could camp and attend Christian rock concerts or visit the beach.
I eventually lost my wife and was faced with both boys’ birthdays coming up just two weeks after her death. I was still grieving and not much in the mood for celebrations, but a wise grief counselor helped me see that it was something I simply had to make happen. Both boys had just lost their mother. They did not need the added pain of having their remaining parent forget about their own special day.
Eventually, Christmas came, and I just wanted to be alone and think about myself. Duty called again, and I had to rise to the occasion. I needed to be there for my boys and keep Christmas going for them.
Was it all worth it? Absolutely. I would not have wanted it any other way. The memories of this family bonding will live on and on, but that does not mean that it was easy putting aside some of my own needs for those of my sons.
Discussion Exercise
What sacrifices might you have to make in order to build good memories with your children?
Individual discussion.
Don’t Let the Challenges of Single Parenting and/or the Blended Family Distract You
As adults, we all have needs. We need other adults to satisfy some of those needs, and there is no way we can expect our offspring to fulfill us in these ways. If we are not careful, we can focus on the adult needs and forget about the child’s world.
SINGLE PARENTING
One hard burden to bear is that of being a single parent. In a grief class I took, we used to get into arguments about which is harder, to be a single father or single mother. What a ridiculous and petty debate (my answer: it is not much different from two-partner parenting, just twice as hard!).
Many of us doing single parenting wish we were not doing it alone. Most likely, severe personal loss has occurred and life as a parent has just gotten much more difficult and complicated. Let us not get sidetracked by our own needs. Romance, among other things, may have to wait. At least, we cannot let it interfere with the main mission of raising our children.
PITTING ONE PARENT AGAINST THE OTHER
When couples break up, the interests of the children can sometimes be overshadowed by personal needs and hurts. There may be jealousies and resentments. Children must not be used as weapons to get back at the other person. They should not be exploited.
Lack of financial and child support from former partners is one cause of angry adult reactions. Then there are custody conflicts where the “which parent deserves the child” game is played. Playing on the emotional needs of children dependent on us to meet our adult needs is something we should never do. Our hurts should not spill over into their lives.
In relation to your parenting, what are some of the distractions and/or temptations that you need to avoid? Some examples are allowing stress, frustration, and fatigue to get the best of us, transferring our adult needs on to our children, and using children to satisfy our adult needs.
Decide to Discipline
Some people are completely overwhelmed by the prospect of having to discipline their child. When they do, they may feel powerless, especially when they only have one or two “techniques” in their “tool kit”. When none of these limited “techniques” work, they become desperate. This section shows how disciplining is made easier when (1) action plans are thought out in advance, (2) more options are considered, and (3) parents are prepared for the manipulation games that children play.
Our last priority is making the decision to discipline. It is something we must do if we love our children. It is a deliberate attempt ahead of time to provide the best direction for those we are responsible for. This is such a big topic that it would not be completely covered with even several college courses. That we will have to discipline is not the question. The real question is, “How are we going to do it and when?” Our attitude about our role in it is very important. Here are some guidelines.
SET UP THE RULES
Can you imagine what disciplining would look like where there were no ground rules? Neither parent nor child would know what was coming. The rules could be simple and few in number, but they must be there to define what is expected. If you don’t know yourself, those under you won’t know, either. You cannot enforce something if there are no rules.
BE CONSISTENT
Most problems in discipline come from being inconsistent. This often happens because rules are set up on the spur of the moment as an act of desperation. Such chaotic planning often also ends in chaos. Children pick up on the confusion of the rules and rapidly learn how to play them to their best advantage. Sometimes having no rules at all has better outcomes than even well-intentioned but inappropriate ones. Make two fundamental decisions: (1) don’t make a rule unless you intend to enforce it and (2) enforce it if you make it. The latter should make you think twice before making an unreasonable demand.
BE REASONABLE
As can be seen from the preceding, a little forethought and planning can go a long way toward the effectiveness and positive discipline results. Our rules must be reasonable. Too much or too little in consequences can produce the wrong results.
I once was a church scouting leader, and one of the boys was making great gains in citizenship and personal growth. It did not last very long, though, because when his mother saw how he enjoyed the group she never let him come again. She managed every week to take the privilege away as punishment for every little misdeed that had accumulated. She thought she had found the “magic bullet” that would solve all the discipline problems. I would dread to ask how the boy turned out.
That mother over-punished the boy for small infractions. But it is also possible to give too little punishment for a more serious offense. For example, it wouldn’t make any more sense to punish a teenager for driving drunk by merely restricting television viewing to a half hour. The punishment should match the offense. We need to be reasonable.
Discussion Question
Name one problem discipline area that needs work in your family and be prepared to share your thoughts and insights with the group.
Individual responses.
SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES
Romans 12:11
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
Serving God must be a priority. It will not just happen by itself. This applies to every other aspect of our lives as well.
Proverbs 29:15
The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
”Kids will be kids”. They all need correction. That is why you are there.
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Parenting requires lots of loving.
Philippians 2:14-15
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.
(1) We should be just as nice to our children as we are to our adult acquaintances. (2) We should not feel a need to keep an argument going which was started by our children, and we should not be drawn into games like this that they play. (3) Our children need to be taught how to be blameless and pure if they are to shine in a dark world.
APPLICATION
We conclude our lesson on priorities by looking at the kind of person that God wants us to be. This, in turn, will help us with our priorities.
Discussion Exercise
Read the following passage and then write down your thoughts on it. Be sure to include the implications for being better parents.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love.
Assignment for next lesson
Refer to your Effective Parenting Worksheet on page 88. Jot down in the Lesson 3 section the things from today’s lesson that are the most challenging to you as a parent. You will repeat this process for lessons four through eight. At the end of the course, you’ll use your list to select your most challenging concerns and design a plan to effectively deal with them.
Stress that this is worksheet is partial fulfillment for getting a completion certificate for the course. Encourage them to keep it current each week. By Lesson 9, the insights of the previous weeks may be lost.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each answer below. Share your answers with the group.
NOTE: These items touch on sensitive issues. It is important to let the group members express themselves and to listen to them with respect. Do not underestimate this exercise. It not only summarizes the points of the lesson but also gets the group actively thinking about crucial underlying issues that need attention.
11. Giving your children “quality time” …
A. False, B. True, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. means you won’t have to spend much time with them as long as it is quality.
T or F b. means you will have to set priorities for it to happen.
T or F c. mainly means that you need to find a good educational program or a good teacher.
T or F d. means you will respect their privacy and never correct them.
Correcting is a vital part of parenting.
T or F e. is not important as long as you are home with them all the time.
You can be physically present and emotionally distant at the same time.
12. Building traditions with our children …
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True
T or F a. is not nearly as important as spanking them.
Traditions are special for bonding families together. Children need more than just correcting.
T or F b. is one of the easiest things we will ever do. You don’t even have to think about it.
T or F c. is sometimes good and sometimes not. It is always good.
T or F d. brings about much personal identity and satisfaction.
13. Single parents should …
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. False
T or F a. make the oldest child responsible for the role of the missing adult partner. It is unfair to the child and sets him up for failure.
T or F b. take care of themselves first, then take care of the children.
Generally speaking, it should be the reverse of this. Those hospitalized or in rehabilitation would be an exception
T or F c. set priorities for their parenting activities high enough over personal needs so that those of the children are met.
Parenting requires much effort and personal sacrifice
T or F d. get married immediately. Single parents have no business raising children by themselves. Marrying or living with the wrong partner for the wrong reasons will only make things worse. Be prepared for explosive reactions to this item.
14. In a blended family …
A. True, B. False, C. True, D. True
T or F a. for the children’s sake, respect should be shown for both the natural parents and the stepparents.
Emotional maturity here is an asset.
T or F b. The father should be the boss, no matter what.
The family should not put up with abuse from a parent
T or F c. The dignity of all the children should be respected.
Parents should make a special effort to see that this happens, especially with the stepchildren.
T or F d. New family traditions are important, as well as respect for the old ones.
15. To be successful in discipline…
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. False
T or F a. you need a plan and perseverance.
T or F b. you just need a plan.
T or F c. you just need perseverance.
T or F d. you need to be lucky.
Luck has nothing to do with it. Success is something that you have to make happen. It will just not happen by itself
Watch Your Attitude
INTRODUCTION
One of the biggest hindrances to being an “overcomer” is to feel victim to circumstances beyond our control. There must be a shift from the hopelessness of having no power over the situation to making the best of it and going forward ¬in spite of it. The issues that follow are the really big ones. Be prepared. Your goal is to have the group examine itself and come up with good strategies. Do not be surprised at how well your group will do with this if given a chance.
Life is Unfair
All of us resent it when we are slighted, overlooked, or treated with disrespect. We also do not like it when we are passed over by someone else less deserving than us. If we do not learn to deal with these kinds of frustrations, we may find our situation crippling and needlessly use up the energy that could be available for the more positive things we need to do.
The really big question then is, “What am I going to do when life throws me a lemon?” There are many options. You can become sour. You can become bitter and angry. You can retaliate. You can give up. Or, you can make lemonade. We hope you choose to make lemonade. The other options are not good for you. Your attitude will make you, or it will break you.
Discussion Question
What is one area of struggle in your life where you feel that life has been unfair to you?
Individual responses.
What are you doing to develop a good attitude about it?
Individual responses.
God is Fair
Unlike the world around us, God is always fair, always good, and always there for us if we seek Him. The key word is “if.” We must choose to seek Him. Receiving His blessings and help depends on our seeking and following Him. If we do, we can experience a new dimension of beautiful experience, rise above the limitations of our circumstances, and take on a brand-new, positive attitude that will take us far and lift us out of the ruts in which we have gotten stuck.
Notice in the verses below that Jesus’ grace and help is based on our desire for His help and His ways.
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
Discussion Questions
How can my faith help turn my bad attitudes into good ones?
Individual responses.
How important is it that I teach my children to have a positive attitude about life?
Individual responses.
How will I go about teaching them that?
Individual responses.
MAIN ISSUES
ALLOW MINUTES
25
The issues of this section are so common and widespread, there should be no lack of interest about them or opportunities for discussion.
The devastating effects of bad attitudes on a person’s life are so great that we are devoting nearly this whole lesson to correcting poor attitudes that occur in parenting. If you see some seeds of thought for improvement in your own attitudes, this lesson will have been well worth your time.
Here are some of the attitudes that bring us down. The worst part about them is that we are not even aware of them most of the time.
Favoritism
As a parent, be prepared of being accused that you are showing favoritism, whether you are actually doing it or not. Also, examine yourself to see if any of that is justified. You may not be aware of it.
GENERAL FAVORITISM
Like adults, children hate it when one person is favored over another. Sometimes, a parent will favor a child because of whom she looks like or qualities she has that are liked. There may be nothing outwardly bad about the preferences, but they still can hurt the person coming up on the short end.
UNFAIR COMPARISON WITH BROTHERS AND SISTERS
How many of us feel that we have been unfavorably compared to our brothers or sisters? Statements such as, “Suzie always got A’s, why can’t you do it?” may sound like, “Why are you so stupid and lazy?” to a child. It is a shame that what the parent intended to be a motivating statement has turned into a destructive one
for the child! We cannot expect children to be any less discouraged by such negative treatment than adults would be.
KID “NOT MINE”
In families where all the children do not have the same set of parents, care must be taken not to favor your natural children over your partner’s. Children usually have no choice as to where they are going to live and under what circumstances. As adults, it is our responsibility to see to it that every child under our care is loved. We must continually search our motives to be sure we have their best interests at heart.
Discussion Questions
Share an experience of favoritism and the effect it had on a child.
Individual responses.
Do you think the adult in that situation was aware of favoritism and its effects? Why do you think the adult did what they did?
Many times the adults are not even aware they are showing favoritism. Adults may do things without thinking about why they are doing it.
Rejection
This section deals with rejection in its various forms. Read through the list with the group. Then do the exercise. There will be individuals who will identify with each item on the list. A major objective of this lesson is to have group members help each other better understand themselves and, in turn, take measures to prevent it from showing up in their own parenting.
Possibly the most important priority is avoiding the perception that we are rejecting our children. The worst part about this is that we may not even know this is happening. We need to separate our own adult issues from those of the children. The children are neither responsible for nor capable of dealing with our adult issues.
CHILD SUPPORT
Child support is such an area. Many fathers resent having to pay child support for children of whom they do not have custody. They may have children of different partners and be so far in debt they cannot make all the support payments and may even end up in jail over it. They can be angry about that and want to fight back. Increasingly, mothers are also losing custody and being ordered to pay child support. Fathers may also become bitter over delinquent or missing support payments they were counting on.
Regardless of the adult problems, both parents must see that the needs of innocent children are the priority. They should resolve that their adult needs and interests must not interfere with those of the children.
CUSTODY WARS
Taking this a step further, the custody issues may even be more emotional and draining than child support. This, in turn, can distract both parents from their duties of protecting the dignity of their offspring.
The parents may resent the arrangements forced upon them by others or the courts and try to win their case by turning the children against the other parent. The child’s parents are his lifeline. Let us make it our highest priority to see that this connection is not broken.
Let us not use the “I don’t love you, and I never did love you” argument in front of the children. This statement is both stupid (living with someone we did not care for) and counterproductive (what is the point?).
CAUSING DISCOURAGEMENT
One thing to avoid is to cause discouragement. Colossians 3:21 states: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” They can become discouraged just like anyone else. It is important that the discouragement does not come from the very same people to whose care they have been entrusted.
Our discouraging words and actions may have far greater effects than we realize. John MacDonald, a Christian counselor, gives an account of a girl who was broken by this kind of activity. The pressure from home was so great she had to be hospitalized. After being stabilized and sent back home to the same environment, she could not stand it any longer and committed suicide. Why did she do this?
Her words were, “No matter what I do, it never satisfies my mother” (MacDonald, 2000b, p. 140). God help us.
CONDESCENSION
Sometimes we just have to laugh at some of the things that happen to us in life. Children are not “little adults.” They are children. They are not adults. Our reaction must be appropriate.
MacDonald gave an example of his toddler son flushing his watch down the toilet. When asked why he did it, the answer was, “I just wanted to see what it would look like going down.” This is not a hill to die on. Was MacDonald’s punishment severe? No. MacDonald states, “I’d liked to have seen what it looked like going down, too. I remember being that age” (MacDonald, 2000b, p. 143).
WITHDRAWING LOVE
MacDonald also warns us about withdrawing love as a parenting scheme. “Mommy won’t like you if you do that” is not the best strategy for correcting a child (MacDonald, 2000b, pg.144). Do we really want our child to think we will stop liking him if he is bad? How absurd. Though it may seem like a great motivator to the parent in the heat of the moment, the outcome can be very bad.
Discussion Question
Which of the previous rejection situations is the most relevant to your quest to be a better parent? Share your thoughts with the group. You will gain much from this discussion.
Do not rush this discussion. Make sure everyone has a chance to share.
View on Discipline
Any time serious parenting is discussed, the topic of discipline will be at the top of the list. Our view on discipline is crucial and affects our priorities. Here we will discuss both improper and proper ways of looking at discipline. This is an extensive topic in itself. We only have time to just touch the surface.
John MacDonald also wrote a series of lessons in which he gave examples of improper disciplining (MacDonald, 2000a, Lesson 2) as well as proper disciplining (Lesson 4).
Here are some of the items on MacDonald’s improper disciplining list:
• Excessive control of the child
• Done in anger
• Done for convenience
• Done after-the-fact
Discussion Question
Which of the previous do you most relate to?
Individual responses.
The proper discipline list is as follows:
• To do it in love, not anger
• To establish order
• To protect
• To prepare for real life
Discussion Exercise
Discuss this list. What item(s) do you need to work on the most?
Individual responses.
SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES
ALLOW
MINUTES 25
Apply the points of this lesson to each of the following Scriptures. Write your answers in the blanks provided, and be ready to share as you are comfortable.
Ephesians 5:33
…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
The best parenting situation involves two parents who love each other and are in harmony with each other. Wives should have respect for their husbands.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Fathers are to patiently lead and teach and not be overbearing and unreasonable.
1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
Husbands should have respect for their wives. If they do not, even their prayers may not be heard. Parenting should be a shared responsibility.
Colossians 3:20
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Disciplining and being disciplined is a vital part of growing up. Following the guidance of parents is the will of God for children. Children left alone to make “their own decisions” in everything before they are mature enough to make them is not an example of effective parenting.
2 Timothy 4:2
Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage-- with great patience and careful instruction.
We are to be constantly teaching, correcting, and encouraging our children. This is to be done when we feel like it and when we do not.
APPLICATION
ALLOW
Many adult issues compete with our parenting role. After all, we have our own needs as well. Parenting is daunting. It requires physical care, financial support, and regular maintenance. There never seems to be enough time to get everything done. Then, on top of that, the inevitable happens: children will be children and challenge the rules. We must deal with this appropriately. We must be prepared and not lose sight of what our role is and what we are here for. The way we think about these things and react to them should be a part of our priority system.
Discussion Question
Because of this lesson, what new priorities are you setting for yourself?
Listen carefully. The individual responses will be an indication of your success in meeting the goal of this lesson: for group members to come up with new priorities for parenting.
Assignment for next lesson
Between now and the next lesson, study Exodus chapter 20 in light of today’s discussion. Then do the homework exercise below:
Refer to your Effective Parenting Worksheet on page 88. Jot down what you think will be the most challenging about each topic from today’s lesson for you as a parent. At the end of the course, you’ll select the seven most challenging and design a plan to effectively deal with them.
Stress that this is worksheet is partial fulfillment for getting a completion certificate for the course. Encourage them to keep it current each week. By Lesson 9, the insights of the previous weeks may be lost.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each answer below. Share your answers with the group.
16. Because life can be unfair, I should …
A. False, B. True, C. False, D. False
T or F a. teach my child never to trust anyone.
You may be successful in teaching her this, but it will ruin her life. You are in for a sad and lonely life if you cannot ever trust anyone.
T or F b. teach my child how to be an overcomer in the face of hardship.
This is one of the greatest gifts you can give her.
T or F c. look out for me first. I deserve it.
You won’t leave much of a legacy with that kind of attitude.
T or F d. teach my child what to look for and to fight back.
Fighting back is not always the best option. Show the child acceptable ways to “fight back” as well as other options
17. One of my highest priorities as a parent should be to …
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. True
T or F a. correct each and every misdeed immediately and harshly, no matter how small.
T or F b. make sure she gets enough spankings.
T or F c. avoid favoritism.
T or F d. avoid unfavorable comparisons.
18. The statement “You’re no good, you never were any good, and you will never amount anything” …
A. False, B. True, C. True, D. True
T or F a. is a good motivational statement to get children seriously thinking about what they are doing wrong.
There are many stories of children who were destroyed by this kind of talk.
T or F b. is an example of parenting gone bad.
T or F c. is more of a reflection on the parent than on the child.
T or F d. can destroy a child.
Don’t ever let your children hear words like that from your mouth.
19. The statement “Parents, beat your children every day until they behave” is …
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. True
T or F a. one of the Ten Commandments.
T or F b. the main point of this lesson.
T or F c. not in the Bible.
The verse Proverbs 22: 15 “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him” does not justify abuse. Parents who beat their children over every small thing are out of control themselves.
T or F d. discouraged by the Bible.
Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
20. To be a good parent, we should …
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. False
T or F a. give both love and correction.
T or F b. never tell a child his behavior is wrong.
Correction is one of our main duties. Do we want our child to be led by us or just drift alone on his own?
T or F c. never act as if his behavior is wrong.
The parent has the duty of correcting that which is wrong.
T or F d. never tell him he is doing the right thing.
Do you want him to think he can’t ever please you? Is that the message you want to give him?
Watch How Your Child is Doing
Do You Know Where Your Child Is?
INTRODUCTION
In this lesson, we will look at knowing where your child is in relation to where she should be. This can be extra hard in the complicated world we live in with computers, television, drugs, and good and bad influences all around. We have already dealt with the need to have our determination and priorities set so that our parenting will be successful. Now we must concentrate on being observant enough of your child to make sure she is where she should be on the road to growing up.
We will look at some of the influences affecting her--both inside the home and out--special needs as an individual and progress through the stages of development.
MAIN ISSUES
Outside Influences
NEIGHBORHOOD
“Do you know where your child is?” With all that may be going on in the neighborhood, you need to know. The first thing to find out is whom he is spending his time with and what they are doing. Do you approve of his choice of friends? Are they the kind of friends that are wholesome? To find out, you might invite them over occasionally. Also, what is he doing with them? Where is she? I discovered that the “mother’s network” was especially helpful in this fact finding department. I might have been a single dad, but I was not above calling the other moms to keep tabs on what is going on and who was where. That was a plus. It meant I did not have to find out everything on my own and by myself.
CHURCH
Church is another good source of influence. Nearly all churches have programs for children of all ages. This would hopefully give them things to do, a wholesome atmosphere, a source of good friendships, and a connection to God. We must remember that most decisions to serve God are made as children. If we want that kind of experience for our children, this is the time to encourage it.
I know a person who was not particularly religious, did not attend church himself but was surprised when his son turned very sour toward the church and God. Again, if God and His people are not very important to us, they probably will not be to our children, either.
Discussion Question
This is one of the most important questions for a parent to answer. He or she should be the primary person to lead the child to Christ and then to develop him or her in Christ.
Where do you feel your child is in relation to her/his spiritual progress?
Individual responses
What is your plan for her/him?
Individual responses
SCHOOL
School should be a positive and safe place for your child. However, again, do not automatically assume that it is. You need to talk to her to know what is going on. Is she thriving or being bullied? Is she doing well? Does she get along well with her teachers?
You may be surprised to know that most teachers will welcome working with you. You can set up meetings with the teacher as well as attend open houses. You can attend your child’s performances. If there is a problem, the principal’s office can also set up a meeting. Teachers often find that most parents do not get involved with school functions.
Your child spends a lot of time in school. You need to be aware of what is going on.
Discussion Question
What can you do to be better informed about how your daughter/son is doing in school?
Go to school events, open houses, science fairs, concerts, and sports events. Set up a conference with teachers on a regular basis. For serious problems, make appointments to talk to the right people. Ask other children and parents about your child’s experience at school.
Influences within the Home
TELEVISION AND COMPUTERS
Both television and computer use should have limits on them and be monitored closely. There is much damaging and corrupting material in both. Sex is glorified and shown in the loosest of contexts. Violence abounds. I recently had a young man in my church scouting group who was proudly repeating a raunchy and irreverent episode he had seen on television. The show he was referring to is one that I pointedly avoid as an adult. I am sure that I would not want my own children to be under the influence of that show.
As a pastor, I also work with the poor. Once, while helping a family, I could not help but notice all the large, expensive televisions and hookups in nearly every room. The whole family appeared to spend most of the day watching what was pitched to them straight from the screen. How sad to live such a limited life and not even realize that much more is to be had. I am sure we all want our children to experience life to the fullest.
Discussion Question
What can you personally do to make sure your children do not become drawn into the negative influences of computers and television?
Individual responses
Individual Needs
Individual needs are important in the nurturing of a child. Every child is different. Every discipline plan and other concerns must be adapted for the individual child. We as parents have the unique privilege of knowing our children’s needs and potential better than anybody else.
PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES
Parents with more than one child soon find out that every child is different. One child will be more active, another less active. One will be more sensitive, another less so. Again, we need to remember our priorities. While it is easier to give the more demanding child the most attention, it is our mission to make sure that every child’s needs are met and that none is lost in the shuffle.
NATURAL ABILITIES
Each child has different strengths and weaknesses. It is important that strengths are encouraged and weaknesses are not exploited. Children are developing, and we are in charge of that development. Making this happen will take major doses of effort and concentration on our part. If she is athletic, we may spend many nights taking her to sports practices and games. It will mean spending a good part of our time and money making her dreams happen. It may be that we will have to keep after him to practice his piano lesson. How many adults now regret that their own parents were not more vigilant in making sure the music lessons were kept up?
Helping our child with his/her weaknesses is an important contribution that parents make. There may be times when we need to set aside our own frustrations, aspirations, and comfort for the child’s sake. Negative comparisons with more successful peers must be avoided. We must accurately determine the difference between simple laziness and real problems where the child needs help. We, the wise and experienced adults, need to show the child realistic approaches to life.
LIMITATIONS
Physical and mental limitations pose special problems. It will not work to just tell somebody who is mentally ill to “pull yourself together” and “get over it.” If it were that easy, he or she would have done that a long time ago. If you have a mentally ill child, you will need to be involved in finding the best treatment for him or her. You will also need to show your child how to cope successfully with life and others. Other parents may not understand what you are going through or approve of how you are handling it, but you still must do what is right. Even within the church family, do not expect that everyone will understand you or your child. Some may be critical because they have never had to go through an experience like this.
Much of the above also applies to physical limitations and diseases. Our children depend on us to show the way through these situations. Let’s make sure we do not let them down. ADHD is one example. With all the popular thought that children are over-medicated for perceived ADHD as just a means of controlling their behavior, it is easy to overlook real problems which need to be dealt with. Following this path may lead to misery for both our child and us if he really needs medication. I know this personally. Two of my sons had ADHD in childhood that carried into adulthood. The struggles we had with misunderstandings and getting them on the right medications are too numerous to mention. What is important is that I, as a parent, needed to do the right thing and stand up for them. Their success and well-being meant that I could not just
stand idly by while they sank lower and lower. Their success in school, future jobs, future mates, and families were at stake.
Discussion Question
What are some of the special needs that my child has? What do I need to do about it as a parent?
Individual responses
Stages of Development
Our role as parents changes as our child grows. You do not normally spank a newborn baby just because it cries, give your eight-year-old your car keys, or punish your teenager by skipping snack time for staying out too late. Our encouragement and especially our punishment must be appropriate to the stage of development. We need to know where our child is on the development scale and parent him accordingly.
The importance of this area is underscored by the attention given to it by numerous writers. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend elaborate on it in a section of their book, Raising Great Kids (Cloud and Townsend, 1999, pp. 43-47). John MacArthur (2000, Chapter 5) devotes a chapter to adjusting our discipline to what can be enforced and the child’s age and maturity.
For a more detailed study, N. Elizabeth Holland provides a 13-lesson small group course in the stages of development in Godly Parenting (Holland, 1995). The first lesson sets the stage with principles for every age. The next ten lessons deal with ten ages from pre-birth to adulthood. The final chapters address special circumstances and summarize the guiding principles.
Holland’s study would be an excellent sequel to this one. Another use would be to concentrate only on a specific age of interest.
Discussion Question
What is your child’s age? How should you modify your approach to discipline to account for that age?
Individual responses
SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES
Apply the points of this lesson to each of the following Scriptures. Write your answers in the blanks provided, and be ready to share as you are comfortable.
Colossians 3:20
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Children are inexperienced in the ways and dangers of the adult world and need our guidance. We need to provide much guidance.
Deuteronomy 11:18-21
Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.
Teaching our children the spiritual truths must be deliberate. They will not learn unless we teach them.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
How we discipline our children is as important as deciding to discipline them.
1 Timothy 3:4
He [an overseer] must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.
It is not right for us to be a leader in church work while, at the same time, neglect our leadership at home. Church leaders should not only “talk the talk”, they should also “walk the walk”.
1 Timothy 3:12
A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well.
This verse reinforces the message of the previous one.
APPLICATION
ALLOW
MINUTES 25
As your offspring grow up, the challenges do not get smaller. They get larger. Drugs, immorality, and ungodly selfishness are everywhere. As a pastor, I minister to inmates who have gotten in with the wrong crowd and are now having to deal with the consequences. I give them Psalm 1 as a reminder to watch the company they keep. Wouldn’t it be better to instruct our children in Psalm 1 now before they fall into the results of that lifestyle?
Read Psalm 1. Then answer the questions below.
Psalm 1: 1-6
Blessed is the man
Who does not walk in the counsel of the ungodly or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous, But the way of the wicked will perish.
Discussion Question
How could you use this scripture to explain to your children the importance and consequences of choosing their friends?
Their friends they choose will affect them profoundly and should be chosen carefully. As a parent, do not leave who your children are with up to chance. Take whatever steps are needed to be sure your children are in a safe and healthy environment.
What does it say about the benefits of choosing God in their life?
They will be successful in good times and bad. They will be rewarded in due time. God will continually be watching over them.
Assignment for next lesson
Refer to your Effective Parenting Worksheet on page 89. Jot down in the Lesson 5 section the things from today’s lesson that are the most challenging to you as a parent. You will repeat this process for lessons six through eight. At the end of the course, you’ll use your list to select your most challenging concerns and design a plan to effectively deal with them.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each answer below. Share your answers with the group.
21. We need to help our children find good friends because …
A. True, B. True, C. True, D. True, E. False
T or F a. friends will have a big impact on them.
T or F b they need friends.
T or F c. the wrong friends can lead them to destruction.
T or F d. finding good friends can be a challenge in our day and age.
T or F e. None of the above. We should just let our children alone and be with whomever they want to be with.
22. Finding a good church home for our children is important because …
A. False, B. True, C. True, D. False
T or F a. if we drop our children off for Sunday services, they will see that we think it is important, even if we don’t go ourselves.
We should take them there and show them that it is important to us as well.
T or F b. it will encourage our children to find their spiritual identity.
T or F c. it will help them to grow in a wholesome environment.
T or F d. the church will teach the children everything they need to know.
The church cannot possibly do that in a few hours a week, but it can help.
23. Television and Computers in the home can be bad if ...
A. True, B. False, C. True, D. True
T or F a. the children are left unsupervised.
T or F b. you and your children don’t like the same programs. This, in itself, is not bad unless the programs themselves are unwholesome.
T or F c. the children are spending too much time at it.
T or F d. the children aren’t accomplishing anything else.
24. If my child has a special challenge, such as ADHD …
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. True
T or F a. I don’t have to be much concerned about her while she is at church because everyone there will understand her and support her.
T or F b. she will not have any trouble at school because schools are set up to deal with that sort of thing.
Your child may need your intervention to get the help she needs.
T or F c. I may have to work with the school on her progress.
T or F d. I should find out all I can about this condition and network with other parents with the same concerns.
There is relief in knowing you are not alone, and practical help can be gotten from others going through the same thing
T or F e. I should just pray about it and leave it to Jesus.
James 2:17 says, “In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” Jesus has put you here to help your child.
25. When it comes to a child’s stages of development, it is important to remember that …
A. True, B. True, C. True, D. False
T or F a. punishment for wrongdoing must be age-appropriate.
T or F b. expectations should be reasonable and change with age.
T or F c. children never outgrow their need for us.
T or F d. they need to be spanked hard enough so they will never forget it at every stage and for every infraction, big or small.
Abuse at the hands of out-of-control parents is never justified.
Identify the Behavior - Yours and the Child’s
INTRODUCTION
In the next two lessons, we’ll build on some strategies we discussed earlier. In lesson 2, you were asked, “Do you really want your child to be just like you?” We looked together at Parenting by Example and the diagram Our Parents Us Our Children . A sobering thought.
In Lesson 3, one of the priorities we discussed was to Decide to Discipline. We talked about the need to 1) Set Up the Rules, 2) Be Consistent, and 3) Be Responsible. In Lesson 4, we listed several appropriate and inappropriate examples of disciplining but didn’t dwell on them.
In this lesson, we’ll stand back a bit from the complex task of raising children to look at your long-term goals and how likely the approach you’ve been using is to achieve them. In the following lesson, we’ll zoom in on how to apply effective disciplining techniques.
MAIN ISSUES
The diagram is intended to get the students to look past the current crisis that brings them to this course. They need to picture a successful end-state for the child and their need to really know and adapt to who this child is along the way. Take enough time to allow them to honestly grapple with the bulleted issues adjacent the graphic.
In the heat of the moment, when we’re surrounded by things we need to get done and a misbehaving child to be dealt with, it’s tough to keep in mind what it is we’re trying to accomplish. By the grace of God, your child will reach adulthood. But what will that look like, and how can you best be used by God to shape it?
Roles and Responsibilities
Is the goal to raise your children to adulthood, break their plates, wave goodbye and hope they don’t boomerang? No? Then, maybe you need to identify what the goal actually is and how to achieve it. The diagram below is a sketch of about 18 years of life—yours and your child’s.
When you bring your newborn home from the hospital—red, wrinkled, beautiful—she is totally dependent on you for everything. Before you know it, you find that she wants to challenge you on the house rules. Her safety and well-being depend on her submitting to you.
In the course of time, he begins to mature. He needs to begin making some decisions within your guidance and limits. He needs to learn to fail and not be defeated. A toddler can fall 20 times a day and bounce right back again. Life has a way of sucking that vitality right out of a child. He needs you to help him learn to hang onto it.
You won’t always be able to control your child, nor would you want to. Increasingly, you’ll find yourself trying to influence her to make the right choices when she’s not under your watchful care. There is no substitute for a relationship with her that enables you to know how, how much and when to apply it and that draws her to you to accept it.
Discussion Questions
Please refer to Figure 6.1 below as you respond to these questions. WHAT’S APPROPRIATE, AND WHEN?
Infant Responsibility Adult
Child: Submitting Choosing
Parent: Controlling Influencing
• Who’s responsible for what, and when?
• What needs to be considered?
• What’s the difference between flexibility and lack of consistency?
Figure 6-1. Roles and Responsibilities
When your child is in the infant and early childhood stage, what are you responsible for providing?
The obvious answer is everything. Make sure that they home in on safety—ask for some examples. Some recent examples include kidnapping, leaving in a locked car in the sun, and failure to vaccinate.
As we move to the right in the diagram, some responsibilities begin to shift, and parent and child have unique tasks. What are some examples of emerging differences in our roles?
You may want to point them to the bullets in Fig 6-1 in their responses. You should expect some lively discussion on control vs influence for issues like selection of friends, dating, etc.
If you have more than one child, should you apply the same rules when each reaches a certain age? Why or why not?
They will respond that all kids are different. Challenge them on how they will “read” those differences—stress relationships.
Who/what are you competing with in influencing your child? What will you do about that?
They will have no trouble identifying peers, media, teachers, etc. Don’t press for details in their planned strategies; just get them thinking about it right now.
Type and Amount of Discipline
From the discussion above and your insights in Lesson 5 concerning the uniqueness of each child, it’s clear that discipline must be appropriate for the maturity level and personality of the child in addition to the severity of unacceptable behavior.
There is only one perfect Parent. When God was about to apply some stern discipline to the nation of Israel, He explained it in a poem with a farming illustration they would understand. We can learn from it, too. (“Cumin” is a small herb used as a condiment and pressed for oil. “Spelt” is a kind of wheat. “Caraway” fruits were used in baking, perfume, and medicines.)
Isaiah 28:23-29
23 Listen and hear my voice; pay attention and hear what I say.
24 When a farmer plows for planting, does he plow continually? Does he keep on breaking up and working the soil?
25 When he has leveled the surface, does he not sow caraway and scatter cumin? Does he not plant wheat in its place, barley in its plot, and spelt in its field?
26 His God instructs him and teaches him the right way.
27 Caraway is not threshed with a sledge, nor is the wheel of a cart rolled over cumin; caraway is beaten out with a rod, and cumin with a stick.
28 Grain must be ground to make bread; so one does not go on threshing it forever. The wheels of a threshing cart may be rolled over it, but one does not use horses to grind grain.
29 All this also comes from the Lord Almighty, whose plan is wonderful, whose wisdom is magnificent.
God had met all their needs of care and safety, given them His commandments and instructions for living and even sent them prophets like Isaiah with personal direction for them. Now, He must use stronger discipline, but He doesn’t want them to interpret it as a lack of love or a permanent condition. We need to listen and pay close attention, too.
God is looking for spiritual “fruit” in our lives. The apostle Paul tells us in a letter in the New Testament what that fruit looks like:
Galatians 5: 22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control
The farmers were given wisdom by God. He’ll do the same for us:
James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you
Discussion Questions
God has a purpose in mind—seeing good fruit in the lives of His children (v24, 25). Isaiah gives three examples in farming (v27-28). In terms of God’s choice of the amount of correction to give to His children, what does each of the three examples have in common?
Don’t let them press too closely on these metaphors. The extremity of the more severe means is not the point— it’s that the least severe means to achieve the purpose is applied.
Why do you think he gives us several examples—how do you think that applies to your children?
You can expect them to readily see the application to the uniqueness of every child.
What do you find encouraging in this poem?
Take the time for them to identify God’s heart attitude in disciplining, His willingness to give us wisdom and our ability to receive and apply that wisdom—if we’re willing to “Listen...and pay close attention.”
Is Spanking Against the Law?
A NOTE OF CAUTION: You are responsible FOR the safety and well-being of your child. You are responsible TO both God and society for doing so. Laws and their interpretation vary by State; ignorance of them will be no excuse. If the judicial system were to remove your child from your custody, you would have defeated your purpose and lost all influence in his life.
Romans 13: 1-2
Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.
The use of spanking as a form of discipline can be very effective when used properly. However, when spanking leads to physical harm, it becomes abuse; this is against the law. Although this topic will be addressed further in lesson 8, a definition of abuse is beneficial at this point. The US Department of Health and Human Services defines abuse as:
“Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation, or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.”
Some states, such as Florida, specifically permit spanking as long as the child is not harmed:
“Corporal punishment of a child by a parent or legal custodian for disciplinary purposes does not in itself constitute abuse when it does not result in harm to the child.”
Florida Statute 39.01
As a parent, it’s important to understand that you are responsible as the protector of your child. She needs to be safe and feel comfortable around you. Actually, a better question than “Is spanking legal?” might be: “When and where can it be applied, and should it be applied?” This requires real insight on your part into the emotional make-up (personality) of your child and ongoing relationship.
The Rod of Correction
Expect emotions to run high in this discussion, both for and against spanking. Don’t let the subject become a barrier to healthy dialog.
The Bible is often used and misused, concerning “corporal punishment.” As we saw in the previous passage from Isaiah, God used the least severe form of discipline possible in all cases and was very careful not to cut off relationships in the process. In fact, in a verse just before the poem, the firm discipline was called “his strange work, and his alien task”; that is, God’s primary interactions with us are acts of compassion, not those of meting out justice. Isaiah 28:21. In Lesson 7, we’ll look at the Shepherd’s rod and staff for guidance. In Lesson 8, we’ll deal more with physical discipline. First, we’ll consider some verses that can easily be misapplied.
ATTITUDES AND THE ROD
As we consider this subject, let’s keep in mind the guidance from Lesson 4 concerning attitudes when applying discipline, especially as they might come into play concerning the rod of correction.
Improper attitudes for discipline
• Excessive control of the child
• Done in anger
• Done for Convenience
• Done after-the-fact
PURPOSE AND USE OF THE ROD
Proper attitudes for discipline
• To do it in Love, not Anger
• To Establish Order
• To Protect
• To prepare for Real Life
• “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.” (Proverbs 22:15)
Folly in the Bible is irresponsible behavior that is the result of a lack of respect for authority. If you’re a parent, you don’t have to be told that your child arrived with attitudes of “I want” and “I won’t” that need ongoing correction. This verse tells us that the purpose of the “rod” is a tool for use in making those corrections in keeping with the right attitudes on our part and the goal of influencing attitudes.
• “A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.” (Proverbs 29:15)
Uncorrected folly in a child has devastating effects on his or her life and brings disgrace to the family. Notice that both rod and reprimand can impart wisdom—the opposite of folly. Proverbs 22:6 tells parents to “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.” This takes keen insight on the part of the parent, knowing the child well enough to know how and how much to correct a child in keeping with whom God created this individual child to be in temperament (nature) and sensitivity.
• “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” (Proverbs 13:24)
Parents who fail to discipline their children often do so out of misguided compassion, not realizing that they are setting them up for failure with increasingly severe consequences. Notice that the loving parents are “careful” – in keeping with a reasoned approach and consistency—in disciplining their children.
Discussion Questions
In your own words, what does the Bible say about the rod of correction?
You may need to do some moderating to help group members arrive at an understanding that the purpose of physical discipline is to correct harmful attitudes (folly) and impart wisdom. They won’t have any trouble seeing that failure to use it is not a loving response and will result in shame.
If spanking were used, what guidance can be learned from these verses?
Some of what should emerge from the group discussion includes: a “careful”, considered approach; done in love; done with the intent of influencing the child’s attitude, not just conduct; applied with a reprimand—specifically identify the wrong behavior/attitude and what will result from the next instance of it.
If you were recently married and now have a step-child, what special considerations would you have to make?
You should expect useful examples from the group. Try to engage the rest of the class in an example; e.g., “Any other thoughts on strategies for the situation?” Don’t let it become judgmental, however.
SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES
ALLOW MINUTES
Discipline is difficult for both parents and children—our actions and their responses. It’s much easier to “go along to get along,” overlooking misbehavior by our children. Applying discipline disrupts our peace at the moment, is difficult to administer appropriately and consistently, and it’s frustrating when it doesn’t seem to be having an effect. God knows that—we’re His children, and look how we act sometimes! God encouraged those who were undergoing discipline in the following scripture passage.
Study the following quotation and answer the questions.
Hebrews 12:4-13
4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
What do you find encouraging in this passage?
Discipline is very healthy for our children and helps them develop in a wholesome and beneficial way. If we spend the time and effort, we will see our children thrive. In a personal sense, being disciplined to live for God is also a very positive thing. Discipline is done by those who care enough to ensure that people live with values they can be proud of.
What can we learn from this passage?
We must be disciplined ourselves as followers of Christ. We must discipline our children to be followers of our good example. The health and welfare of our children depend upon it.
APPLICATION
ALLOW MINUTES 25
We’ve considered some of the shifting behaviors, roles, and responsibilities of parents and children, and we’ve taken an initial look at discipline from your perspective and from God’s. Now we ask you to consider what it looks like from a child’s perspective. To apply an old adage, “You can’t fully understand your children’s behavior until you walk a mile in their sneakers.” Answer the following questions, assuming the role of an eleven-year-old child (boy or girl, your choice).
Your father died a year ago after having been married for 13 years. You were an only child. Your mother remarried two months ago. Your new father, Bill, is a strict disciplinarian. He has a boy, Mark, who is nine and has a history of getting into trouble (he told you so). You’ve always been close to your mother.
Discussion Questions
How does it make you feel when you don’t have as much access to your Mom as you used to?
You can expect to touch some raw nerves with these questions. This may be the first time that someone has come to grips with these emotions. As time permits, let the discussions run their course. Some responses will set up helpful probing questions, but be sensitive not to probe too deeply.
How does that affect your attitude toward Bill?
It makes you feel threatened and jealous.
Your Mom and Bill argue constantly. He wants to put you on the same set of restrictions that he has Mark under. There are some things you’d like to say to him, but you’re afraid to. What are they?
Why am I being punished for what Mark is doing? I am more responsible than Mark. You are not my dad and you are ruining it for Mom and me.
Bill says that Mom lets me get away with too much. I think he is trying to reach out to me, but he scares me because of the way he disciplines Mark. I’m learning how to manipulate Mom and Bill so that I still get my own way. These are some of my tactics…
Tell Mom how unfairly Bill is treating me. Say things like “Bill can’t replace my father”,” Bill is mean!”, “Dad never did it that way”, and “You’re not my dad”. Blame the stepbrother for more than he actually does.
Assignment for next lesson
Refer to your Effective Parenting Worksheet on page 89. Jot down in the Lesson 6 section the things from today’s lesson that are the most challenging to you as a parent. You will repeat this process for lessons seven through eight. At the end of the course, you’ll use your list to select your most challenging concerns and design a plan to effectively deal with them.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each answer below. Share your answers with the group.
26. A small child starts to throw a temper tantrum. The best way to handle a situation like this would be to …
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. False, E. False
T or F a. spank him so hard it will be a lesson he will never forget. He will never forget it but will probably not learn the lesson that you intended for him to learn.
T or F b. give him a lecture.
Small children do not respond to lectures.
T or F c. make sure the child understands that he has to submit to you. If he doesn’t, he may end up in rebellion and hating authority when he doesn’t get his way as a grown-up.
T or F d. ignore the behavior. He will grow out of it.
The bad behavior will be reinforced.
T or F e. tell him nicely to stop, but don’t make an issue out of it. You don’t want him to stop loving you.
We need to separate adult needs from the child’s. You WILL make an issue out of it if you are inconsistent.
27. The parent in the above example should …
A. False, B. True, C. True, D. True
T or F a. not be insistent in order to not damage the child. This is a teenager! Take away privileges instead.
T or F b. insist that the behavior is corrected.
T or F c. correct this type of behavior every time it happens.
T or F d. not be afraid to take appropriate action, even in public.
28. A teenager thinks the curfew you set for her is too stringent. The best way to handle this type of situation is to ...
A. False, B. True, C. True, D. True
T or F a. Spank her until she cries, “Uncle.”
T or F b. Negotiate the terms for how she could get more privileges.
T or F c. Explain your reasoning and stick to your decision.
T or F d. Spend a lot of time with her to better understand what is going on with her.
29. In the example above, your strategy should be one of …
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. False, E. True
T or F a. controlling her.
T or F b. showing her “who’s the boss.”
T or F c. sticking to your plan of what’s best for her.
T or F d. give in to her so that there will be no conflict.
T or F e. helping her make wise decisions on her own.
30. In families with teen-aged children from different mothers or fathers …
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True
T or F a. the man should be in charge and rule with a “rod of iron.”
The couple should work together to make sure they are in agreement on how the family is run and on how the needs of the children are met.
T or F b. the main emphasis should be on respect for the “new” parent.
Teenagers may be slow to warm up to the new adult in the family. The new “parent” should expect this and not be too overbearing.
T or F c. the biological parent should take charge of the child, and the other should back off.
Hopefully, the adults in the situation should be able to come to some kind of agreement on this.
T or F d. the concerns of the child with regard to the new living arrangement should be taken into consideration.
Discipline Effectively
Are You Willing to do what it Takes?
INTRODUCTION
In the last lesson, we discussed the changing roles of parents and children over time. The child should be progressing from total submission to making wise choices within set limits. We, as parents, should be moving from having total control to having influence in their lives. To do this well requires wisdom and commitment on the parts of both.
In this lesson, we’re going to discuss some strategies and tactics for how to discipline effectively. It’s more a matter of “rules of thumb” than hard and fast rules, so we’d be wise to take on the subject with both prayer and humility.
MAIN ISSUES
This section serves to formalize in definitions the concept of emerging roles and responsibilities of the last lesson. What’s important here is to help them make a correct and lasting connection among the terms in italics below. There is a good deal of misinformation out there. This is your chance to make corrections.
Definitions
In keeping with our view of changing roles and responsibilities, we need definitions of discipline for each end of the continuum. Those below are from the Oxford Dictionaries, Oxford University Press.
DISCIPLINE
The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience. Discipline in the role of a parent is about training children. The goal, then, is that they learn. We know they did when we see them obey. Obey what? First, rules for their safety and well-being—don’t touch that; do this, don’t do that. Gradually, the training shifts toward a code of behavior—conduct in keeping with the kind of young man or lady you’re trying to guide them into becoming.
Punishment is used to correct willful disobedience of the rules. The whole concept of punishment is unacceptable to many people today. It’s sometimes viewed as the polar opposite of discipline, with the goal of the parent getting even, rather than the child getting right.
However, we discussed our responsibility to God and society to do our level best to develop our children into mature and law-abiding citizens. The FIT team would add citizens of both the Kingdom of God and society. There is a consequence to knowing the rules and repeatedly breaking them. At the point of willful disobedience, it’s not more knowledge the child needs; it’s the afore-warned consequence of their unacceptable behavior. Correction now at your loving hands may prevent much more serious consequences later.
SELF-DISCIPLINE
The ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.
The goal of self-discipline is to move your child to a point where she chooses to control herself without your oversight. The good news is that self-discipline is something that can be learned. You’ve already noticed that your child didn’t come equipped with it—neither did you! So, early on, you provide the necessary discipline in the least severe manner possible. Gradually, your child will develop some ability to control himself.
If this is self-control, why are we talking about it in a parenting class? Because we can nurture its development in a child. First, it’s absolutely critical that we model it before them. They learn far more from our actions than from our words. We need to be trustworthy for them to share their feelings with us if we’re going to have any influence and make any difference.
Discussion Questions
In your own words, how would you define “discipline,” and how would you describe what it looks like as your child matures?
The intent is to train to obey, not force to obey. Focus should be on simple rules at first and progress to the more complicated area of codes of behavior later.
How would you describe the relationship between discipline and punishment?
It’s important that they leave with a correct understanding of how the term “punishment” was used in this lesson. If you detect any misconceptions, have the class turn to page 29-30 to review the View of Discipline.
How has the lack of self-control been a problem in your own life or in your family?
You may hear some heart-wrenching stories about addictions of all kinds in addition to unsavory conduct. Be compassionate, but don’t let the discussion degenerate into a sordid stories told for their shock value. You may want to bring up out-of-control spending and eating as examples if they don’t.
YOUR STYLE OF DISCIPLINE
The chief concern here is that no one walks away saying “my discipline style is”. Or worse, “your style is.” They need to understand that these are just helpful labels that allow us to discuss predominant kinds of behavior of different parents. No one is grid-locked into one quadrant at all times.
The figure on the next page is an attempt to identify the major styles or attitudes toward discipline among parents. It’s NOT designed to permanently box anyone into a corner, as though they spend all their time there. First, there’s much room in each quadrant to move around—it’s not a fixed position.
Second, you might think of it like this. If there were a pin inserted in the chart wherever it is that you find yourself on it, and a rubber band were connected to that spot, it would be a greater stretch to some points than others, and the longer you stay in the new location, the more energy it takes. Then, what happens when we let go of the band? It reverts back to its former position. You have to anchor it elsewhere to make a permanent change. Josh McDowell offers some additional insights on parenting styles in The Father Connection
AUTOCRATIC (DICTATOR)
RELATIONAL (HERO)
UNINVOLVED (STRANGER)
PERMISSIVE (FRIEND)
Justice: the use of power as appointed by law, honor or standards to support fair treatment and due reward.
Compassion: to have sympathy and want to help a person or people who are going through a difficult time.
Figure 7-1. Discipline Styles.
The Dictator is all about Justice and has little room for Compassion. However, some parents who are autocratic— always making rules and demanding rigorous enforcement—have some strengths as well. Some are very good providers and may even wish the best for their children. The problem with this style is that rules without relationship breed rebellion. This parent will break before she bends in terms of making the transition from control to influence.
The Friend is very high on Compassion but either has no stomach or no heart for administering Justice. The goal here is to be a best buddy to the child—always there for her, always taking his side. No conflicts, no shouting matches, no hurt feelings. But what a price this parent pays, and what a headache is handed off to society! Tolerated childhood tantrums grow up to be out-of-control teenagers and adults who may well raise children just like them.
The Stranger comes in many different models. One common type is the woman who is over-committed to other interests and has little time for her child. She’s not there to engage with the children, to make and enforce reasonable rules, or to offer love and understanding when it’s most needed. Another type is the man who is simply not engaged, not present emotionally. In some ways, this may be the cruelest style of all. The wounds inflicted by the Stranger may be long-lasting.
Finally, the Hero is one who, with learned self-discipline, administers Justice with Compassion. A hero protects and defends those under his care. A hero is more concerned about the well-being of her loved ones than about herself. She is willing to give self-sacrificially of herself. Our Example is Jesus Christ, who paid the price of justice and laid down his life for us out of His great compassion. Heroes follow his lead.
Discussion Questions
Joe is an over-the-road (long distance) truck driver. He was a mechanic in the Army for four years. He keeps his rig in perfect running condition, maintains his log books meticulously, and plans each trip in great detail. He expects his wife to run his home and manage his kids the same way. He’s a good provider and expects to be king of his castle. He has a set of rules for everything and everyone. He’s tired when he’s at home and wants no more than to have a beer in peace while he watches ESPN. The children are his wife’s business, and he doesn’t want to have to deal with them. He is easily angered when his peace is disturbed.
As they discuss the questions, expect them to slam-dunk Joe. Help them to stay in touch with the fact that our Father’s goal is restoration and relationship. He’s concerned about the entire family—including Joe.
So, where do we find Joe on our chart? What makes you say so?
Help the class to see that Joe has one foot in the Dictator quadrant and one in the Stranger quadrant.
What does it feel like to be Joe’s wife—when he’s home and when he’s not?
Help them to really put themselves in her place, to feel the pressures of a single Mom and isolated wife. When Joe is home, help them feel what it’s like to walking on eggs and sheltering the children.
How about Joe’s children, aged 5 and 7? What’s it like for them?
Some of the feelings that the class should identify are: a sense of inadequacy due to his dismissal of their importance; urgency to please him to sidestep his anger and to try to meet their unmet need for approval; feelings of non-support from Mom for not boldly intervening for them with their tyrant Dad.
What might it be like in Joe’s family when the children are 13 and 15 if he doesn’t change?
The class is in the 7th session. They should be able to synthesize what they’ve learned thus far to project what the scene may look like if Joe doesn’t take positive action. Allow them to struggle with this before giving any help with the answer.
Describe your styles of discipline. How has that worked for you? What changes do you think you need to make?
Take the time to solicit honest responses. Draw out less vocal members of the class—these are important questions. Encourage them by confiding that you are constantly working on your own styles, especially on stretching and flexing when needed.
Boundaries and Relationships
Drs. John Townsend and Henry Cloud have done families a great service in providing resources on a wide range of parenting subjects. This section draws heavily from their work on adapting our parenting styles and understanding, setting, and maintaining age-appropriate boundaries (see, for example, their much-quoted book, Boundaries). We’ve taken the liberty of substituting our Justice and Compassion for their Truth and Grace (by permission).
BOUNDARIES WITH TODDLERS AND DURING CHILDHOOD (READ DOWN, NOT ACROSS)
Toddler Childhood (3-12)
Introduce limits & boundaries
Empathize with frustrations Set rules that protect Teach learning skills
Introduce discipline & correction Comfort when disciplining Teach responsibility Provide learning opportunities
Teach the meaning of "No!" Coach and guide explorations Enforce consequences Be patient with failures Lovingly limit defiance Calm fears of separation Require repentance Show forgiveness
Teach respect for parents
Re-connect after discipline Teach respect for others Grant earned freedom
Figure 7-2 Boundaries through Childhood
This may well be the most useful information some of the class members glean from the course. Be sure they grasp the gradual transition from control to influence; submission to responsible choices. On Figure 7-2, be sure that they understand the interdependent nature of Justice and Compassion. Have volunteers take a pair of entries from Justice and Compassion and share their thoughts. Open the floor for brief comments. Complete the Toddler list first.
Discussion Questions
Be prepared to share your thoughts on each pair of Justice and Compassion suggestions for both the Toddler and Childhood years. Your Facilitator will ask for volunteers to share.
Restate each suggestion in your own words.
What’s difficult about the task?
Individual responses
What do you think might result from failure to heed this suggestion?
Individual responses
Which one(s) would be most challenging for you? Why?
Individual responses
BOUNDARIES IN TEENS
This may well be the most useful information some of the class members glean from the course. Be sure they grasp the gradual transition from control to influence; submission to responsible choices. On Figure 7-2, be sure that they understand the interdependent nature of Justice and Compassion. Have volunteers take a pair of entries from Justice and Compassion and share their thoughts. Open the floor for brief comments. Complete the Toddler list first.
Townsend and Cloud are probably best known for their extensive work on the subject of boundaries. Figure 7-3 below lists the underlying foundations for effectively using boundaries with teenagers.
Four Anchors
1. Love: I'm on your side.
2. Truth: I have some rules and requirements.
3. Freedom: You can choose to respect or reject the rules.
4. Reality: Here's what will happen.
Figure 7-3 Boundaries with Teens
Make sure they know that you truly want the very best for them.
Make them reasonable, specific, clear, and understandable.
Appropriate for age and maturity, within clearly defined limits.
Clear, specific consequences, appropriate for the offense, and consistently applied.
• Anchor 1 - Love Boundaries separate; love unites. We must begin with a sincere assurance of our love for the child. If she recognizes it to be true, it will help her to let down her guard. We must establish that her offense doesn’t break the relationship and that we’re willing to work with her on moving forward.
• Anchor 2 - Truth Once love is established, the rules can be reviewed. The child may contend that they aren’t reasonable. Don’t be defensive; state the purpose and move on. Don’t leave this step without hearing, “Yes, I understand.”
• Anchor 3 - Freedom This step recognizes that we really don’t have total control over a teen, however much oversight we try to maintain. They’re in a position to choose, so meet the fact head-on. You are not giving permission to disobey; you are acknowledging that they have that option. Note well—matters of safety and physical or emotional trauma are not on the table. A teen considering such a choice hasn’t demonstrated the maturity to make it.
• Anchor 4 - Reality The consequences of a wrong choice must be exactly as warned. They must be administered with love and without anger or any sense of “getting even.” If it gives you the satisfaction that they “got what they deserved,” you need to work on your own attitude. Our heavenly Father is grieved when He has to discipline us. That’s the only acceptable attitude for us as parents.
Discussion Questions
What are ways by which you can communicate love to your teen and that you really are on his side?
It’s too late to show love, concern and support for the child entering into a boundaries discussion. You need to have been there for her in meaningful ways in the past. Showing up for teacher appointments, taking an interest in friends and problems, actively listening to her, and expressing your love verbally as well. It won’t be seen as manipulation or insincerity if you have that kind of relationship established.
What are things that need to be considered when you’re establishing rules for your teen?
They should be keying on matters of safety, maturity level of the teen, long- and short-term external consequences and opportunities for the child to learn responsible conduct.
Do you see Anchor 3 as a challenge to your authority? Do you think your teen knows that there is an option if she’s willing to take the consequences?
You can expect some to bluster about “not in my house,” etc. If there were no option, no way of noncompliance, what need would there be of a rule? The child needs to hear from you that you recognize the fact and have made provisions for dealing with it.
What has been, or do you foresee as the most difficult about Anchor 4?
For some, having the sense of resolve to carry out the consequences is difficult. They need to see that it really is an act of love. For all consistency is the major obstacle here. A follow-on issue is how to treat repeat offenses.
Handling Power Struggles
Your child is being bombarded with scenes in movies, online and in print where the child is hip, tech- savvy, wise beyond his years, and independent. Parents—especially fathers—are cast as the extreme opposite. You can expect to have them challenge your authority. It may not be the in-your-face three year old saying, “You’re not the boss of me!” but it will happen eventually.
You’re the parent; the power is yours, so don’t give it away. When your child tries to drag you into a power contest, just say, “I’ve listened to you; the discussion is over. You know my decision.” Then leave the room, taking the power with you.
That may not work with a defiant child, however. That’s when you need to ask yourself if there is a way to put the responsibility back on the child. Hand off some power of choice that satisfies your requirement but leaves her feeling empowered—which is what she was looking for in the first place. Often, the power play was about power, not about the surface issue at all.
So, your child has been consistently negligent about doing homework when he first gets home as he has been told. If you get angry, he wins. He’s the child; you’re the parent—a shouting contest puts you both at the same level. You’ve applied boundaries, and it’s not working on this issue.
You might ask, “You can do your homework between 3 and 5 or between 6 and 8. Which do you choose?” Now the child is responsible. He feels empowered, but who really won here? You’re still in control, and it’s up to the child to keep his end of the deal, or he loses the power you gave him. You’ll want to have identified how compliance will be determined before the confrontation. The Boundary steps all apply to this tactic.
Discussion Questions
What are considerations you’d need to make before applying this tactic?
The class should identify the level of importance of this issue in terms of non-compliance, the attitude of the child—power struggle or blatant disrespect and the child’s temperament. In a two-parent home, the tactic needs to be worked out by both parents before initiating it.
SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES
We discussed the “rod of correction” at length because of potential misuse, misunderstanding, and legal issues. There’s another rod and staff in Scripture, used for a very different purpose. The shepherd’s staff had a crook (blunt hook) on the end that he’d use to bring back a straying sheep into the fold. The rod was a club about three feet long with a large knot on the end. He’d use it to defend the flock from predators. Jesus had them in mind when He said,
“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” (John 10:11)
A Psalm of David
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever
How are the purposes of a parent providing discipline in the life of a child similar to a shepherd watching his sheep? How are the tools similar?
Take the time to encourage as many to participate in this as possible. There are rich insights to be gained here that can shape a right understanding of discipline.
APPLICATION
Assignment for next lesson
Refer to your Effective Parenting Worksheet on page 89. Jot down in the Lesson 7 section the things from today’s lesson that are the most challenging to you as a parent. You will repeat this process for lesson eight. At the end of the course, you’ll use your list to select your most challenging concerns and design a plan to effectively deal with them.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each answer below. Share your answers with the group.
31. Discipline in the role of a parent is about …
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. False
T or F a. training children to obey and follow the code of conduct that we teach them.
T or F b. punishing them so that they never do the bad thing again. It is more than that.
T or F c. teaching children to be their own boss. They need to learn to respect authority.
T or F d. teaching children to stand up for themselves.
This is not directly related to disciplining them.
T or F e. spanking them every time they cross us. It is more than that.
32. The uninvolved (stranger) discipline style encourages a child to…
A. False, B. True/False, C. False, D. False
T or F a. be self-reliant.
It is more likely to cause separation and loneliness.
T or F b. fend for himself.
This may be true, but only in a negative way.
T or F c. think for himself and act independently.
T or F d. become a loving person.
33. One positive aspect of the autocratic style of discipline is ...
A. False, B. True, C. False, D. False
T or F a. it is high on compassion. They feel very secure. It is low on compassion. They may rebel.
T or F b. it is high on justice. At least the children know the rules.
T or F c. it is especially effective with teen-agers in helping them to become independent.
T or F d. it is especially effective with toddlers in reducing their fear of separation.
34. When working with an eleven-year-old, it is important to …
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. False, E. True
T or F a. teach responsibility and provide learning opportunities.
T or F b. identify with her frustrations.
That is more appropriate when dealing with a toddler.
T or F c. ease up on the discipline once in a while so that she doesn’t stop loving you. She is not there to meet your adult needs.
T or F d. let her know that it is all right to break the rules now and then. You did it yourself.
T or F e. enforce consequences and be patient with failures.
35. When dealing with teenagers, it is important to remember that …
A. False, B. True, C. False, D. False, E. True
T or F a. this is the age when they most need to be told who is boss.
T or F b. they should be offered both choices and consequences.
T or F c. they should especially be made aware that they got what they deserved.
T or F d. they know exactly how angry they made you.
This will not help.
T or F e. parenting will require a great deal of involvement and sacrifice on your part.
Eliminate Abuse
When does Discipline Cross the Line and Become Abuse?
INTRODUCTION
“No subject distresses me more than the phenomenon of child abuse which is so prevalent in America today.”
Dr. James Dobson
The Strong-willed Child
Now that we have considered discipline in its right context, let’s consider discipline when it is carried too far. Understanding when and how to discipline your child is an important part of parenting. However, some parents cross the discipline line to abuse.
“Corporal punishment of a child by a parent or legal custodian for disciplinary purposes does not in itself constitute abuse when it does not result in harm to the child.”
The U. S. Department of Health and Human Services indicates that “every year more than 3 million reports of child abuse are made in the United States involving more than 6 million children.” Additionally, the United States loses on average between “four and seven children every day to child abuse and neglect.” This is a staggering number for such a blessed nation as ours.
For this lesson, we will look at knowing what abuse is, how to recognize it and how to get help.
We have already dealt with consistency in discipline and the need for proper boundaries in a loving relationship. Now we must concentrate on the impact abusive behavior has on a child and what steps are necessary in order to prevent abuse. We will look at what constitutes abuse and the types of abuse that may be present in the home. Additionally, we will discuss the effects abuse has on our children and how we can eliminate abusive behavior within our family.
MAIN ISSUES
A Basic Definition of Abuse
The first step in recognizing abuse is to define abuse. The Department of Health and Human Services provides us with a federal definition of abuse. However, each state also has its own definition. We will use the federal definition as a basis for our discussion.
“Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation, or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.”
Notice that abuse is an “act or failure to act” that leads or can lead to physical or emotional harm. Discipline leading to physical or emotional harm to a child or the lack of providing a safe and secure environment for a child is abuse.
As a parent, it is important to understand that you are to be a protector for your child. Your child needs to feel comfortable and safe around you. Additionally, the home should be a place the child can go to get away from the violence and turmoil of the world. Parents and guardians should create an environment of peace and comfort for their child.
Dr. Dobson says that discipline should “shape the will’ of the child “without breaking the spirit.” Abusive behavior by a parent or guardian breaks the spirit of the child. This can lead to long-term physical and emotional problems that require the aid of professionals to overcome. When discipline becomes abusive, parents move from managing and nurturing their family to controlling and dominating the family.
How can you, as a parent, shape your child’s will without harming their spirit? By practicing the Biblical discipline principles outlined previously in this training.
The Bible tells us in I Timothy 3:4, “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect.”
God gives parents the responsibility of managing the family. However, when parents get out of control, they jeopardize their relationship with their children. To maintain your child’s respect, you must remain in control of your emotions. This does not mean you never get upset, but you should maintain control of your emotions. Do not take your anger out on your child.
Discussion Question
How can you create a safe and peaceful environment for your child?
Allow for individual responses. Make sure to stress that the home should be a place free of violence and turmoil.
What can you do to shape your child’s will without breaking their spirit?
Allow for group discussion and responses. Point out that the goal of discipline is to teach not punish. Additionally, staying calm is key to handling the situation correctly.
According to I Timothy 3:4, what role does respect play in family relationships?
Answers will vary. The main point is parents must act in a manner that does not discredit them and maintains the proper relationship with their child.
Types of Abuse
Abuse can take on many forms. As parents we need to be able to recognize abuse and stop it when we see it happening. The Department of Health and Human Services has provided us with a definition of both physical and emotional abuse.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is generally defined as “any non-accidental physical injury to the child” and can include striking, kicking, burning, biting the child, or any action that results in a physical impairment of the child.
HITTING AND PUNCHING
Hitting or punching a child as a form of discipline is never appropriate. I am not talking about using proper spanking as a form of discipline. Punching a child in the face or hitting with a fist is not proper discipline. This technique is intended to physically hurt or injure the child and can never be administered as a form of discipline.
Many parents use the same techniques to discipline that were used by their parents. For some parents punching a child is the only form of discipline they know. In this case, parents must learn other forms of discipline like those outlined earlier in this training. If hitting or punching were used on you as a child, this needs to stop in your family. As a parent, you need to act out of love, not anger.
CAUSING PHYSICAL HARM
Any discipline that results in physical harm or injury to the child is considered abuse. As a parent, you need to evaluate the forms of discipline used in your family to ensure they are used for instruction and do not physically harm or injure your child. Methods such as burning with a cigarette, use of scalding water, sexual abuse, neglect, or other forms that result in physical harm can never be used to shape the will. These abusive methods only break the spirit of your child.
Discussion Question
What forms of discipline can be used to shape your child’s will without breaking his spirit?
Proper use of spanking, timeout, natural consequences, removal of privileges, grounding for a reasonable period…etc. In all of this, make sure the focus is on teaching surrounded with love.
Why is discipline that causes physical harm to your child never appropriate?
Allow for group discussion. Physical harm does not teach. It only hurts and destroys.
Emotional Abuse
The language used in these definitions is “injury to the psychological capacity or emotional stability of the child as evidenced by an observable or substantial change in behavior, emotional response, or cognition,” and injury as evidenced by “anxiety, depression, withdrawal, or aggressive behavior.”
SPEAKING TO YOUR CHILDREN
Some parents use screaming and yelling as a discipline technique to get their children to act appropriately. However, children become immune to screaming and yelling. They ignore what is being said and can even begin to shut down emotionally. You need a relationship with your child that is built on positive speaking and encouragement. Too many children only hear negative words that hurt from their parents. Raising a child is hard work, and it requires uplifting words from the parent to build confidence and improve selfesteem. Telling your children they are stupid, dumb, or ugly only hurts and damages them emotionally. A loving parent should want their child to feel happy and confident.
WITHDRAWAL OF LOVE
In addition to speaking positive words is the need to express your love to your child. Do not be afraid to let your child know that you love them just the way God made them. Too many children never hear the words “I Love You” from their parents. Withdrawing love from your child is never a positive parenting method. Telling a child that you no longer love them is painful to the child. You should always convey love to your child. Tell them as often as possible that you love and care about them.
Psalm 23:6 tells us that God’s love follows us “all the days of my life.” As a parent, you need to ensure that your love follows your child always. Tell your child that you love her and are proud of her. This is especially effective for a father of daughters. Daughters want the approval of their fathers, even more than their mothers. Fathers need to build up and encourage their daughters. If not, they may try to satisfy this need with the wrong person.
PROVOKING ANGER
Parents can sometimes do things that cause their children to get angry, especially in the teenage years. It is important that the choices you make in managing your family are appropriate and in the best interest of your family according to the dictates of God. Remember that “rules without relationship breeds rebellion.” Your child will be more willing to accept your discipline when they know that you have their best interest at heart.
Saul gives us a good example in I Samuel 20: 30 – 34 of how not to handle your child. His son Jonathan was good friends with David, and Saul wanted David killed. Saul spoke negative words to his son Jonathan that provoked Jonathan to anger.
1 Samuel 20: 30-34
30 Saul’s anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, “You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don’t I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of the mother who bore you? 31 As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send someone to bring him to me, for he must die!”
32 “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” Jonathan asked his father. 33 But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David.
34 Jonathan got up from the table in fierce anger; on that second day of the feast he did not eat, because he was grieved at his father’s shameful treatment of David.
As we see, Saul’s anger got the best of him, and this resulted in his son becoming angry at his father’s behavior. This created a barrier between Saul and his son, Jonathan.
Discussion Question
How could Saul have handled the situation without getting angry?
Answers will vary. Allow for group discussion.
How do you handle anger in your family?
Allow for individual answers.
What can you do to improve your relationship with your child?
Answers will vary.
Name some ways that you can encourage your child.
Allow for group discussion. Make sure to emphasis that words of encouragement are important. For example, “I am proud of you,” “You are doing a good job,” “I love you just the way God made you,”… etc.
The Effects of Violence
As parents, we need to be concerned about what our children see and hear as they grow and develop. Not only should we protect them from danger and harm, but we should also shield them, as best as possible, from negative influences. This does not mean you are to be a “helicopter parent,” hovering around your child every moment, but to teach them how to be selective of what they see and hear, especially at home.
Studies have shown that exposure to violence has a negative influence on children. Children that are abused become abusers. What are some of the areas in which parents can be proactive in protecting their children?
WITHIN THE FAMILY
The first area is to ensure the home is a safe and secure environment. Unfortunately, many homes today are like battlegrounds; fighting and violence are daily occurrences. Children learn more from what they see their parents doing than they do from what their parents say. It is important to set a positive example for your child. Do not argue and fight in front of the children. Children need to witness love and care within the family. However, parents can disagree without becoming hostile toward each other or towards their children. Additionally, children should never become pawns used to attack the other parent or guardian. If necessary, get outside counseling from a professional or minister. Attend an anger management class to learn appropriate tools to assist with anger.
FROM MEDIA I .E ., TELEVISION, MOVIES, AND VIDEO GAMES
As a parent, you can monitor what your children put into their brains. There is considerable evidence to indicate that violent movies, games, and even music have a substantial impact on the behavior of your child.
The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry has published several research articles indicating the influence of violence in “developing a value system and shaping behavior.” The research has found that children:
• become immune or numb to the horror of violence
• they gradually accept violence as a way to solve problems
• imitate the violence they observe on television
• identify with certain characters, victims, and/or perpetrators
Spending large amounts of time watching violence on television or playing violent games can create problems that lead to poor social skills, lower grades and reading less, weight problems, aggressive behavior, and time away from family. As a parent, you can regulate the amount of time your child spends in front of the television and what type of movies and games they watch or play.
Discussion Question
Why is it important to monitor what your child watches?
Allow for individual answers. The main point is that parents need to protect and shield their child from the harms of the world and help them make good choices.
How can you reduce the amount of violence your child is exposed to?
Answers will vary.
What are some alternatives to watching television or playing video games?
Allow for group discussion. Examples: Playing sports, family games, reading, complete homework, trips to museums or parks…etc.
SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES
Apply the points of this lesson to each of the following scriptures. Write your answers in the blanks provided, and be ready to share, as you are comfortable. ALLOW MINUTES 25
Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Parents should act in a way that encourages and uplifts their child.
James 1: 19-20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Control your tongue and listen to your child before acting. Never act out of anger. This does not set the example that God wants a parent to display.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Try to refrain from things that purposefully irritate your child. Teach them how to love and know God. The best way to teach is through the example you provide in your life.
Matthew 18:6
If anyone causes one of these little ones – those who believe in me – to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
It is not good for anyone to harm a child. They are very precious to God.
APPLICATION
We conclude our lesson on priorities by looking at the kind of person that God wants us to be. This, in turn, will help us with our priorities.
Discussion Exercise
Read the passage on the next page and then write down your thoughts on it. Be sure to include the implications for being better parents.
Answers will vary. The main point is to stay away from those things that do not bring honor to God and be willing to forgive. This includes forgiving your child when they do something wrong.
Ephesians 4:29-32
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Assignment for next lesson
Refer to your Effective Parenting Worksheet on page 89. Jot down in the Lesson 8 section the things from today’s lesson that are the most challenging to you as a parent. At the end of the course, you’ll use your list to select your most challenging concerns and design a plan to effectively deal with them.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each answer below. Share your answers with the group.
36. We can shape our child’s spirit by…
A. True, B. True, C. True, D. False
T or F a. allowing for natural consequences that are not destructive.
T or F b. providing guidance in bad situations.
T or F c. giving them timeout to think about what they did wrong.
T or F d. hitting them upside the head and telling them how much we hate them.
37. Spanking is always wrong because…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. False
T or F a. it only leads to more violence.
Some literature and organizations teach this.
T or F b. it is against the law. Some individuals may think that this is true.
T or F c. it involves physical pain.
Physical pain is not always a negative thing. Ex: falling when we are learning to ride a bike.
T or F d. a child should never feel any pain when being disciplined.
38. Telling a child, “I do not love you”…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True
Expect that some of your group members will have experienced this while growing up.
T or F a. is a good thing. It teaches the child to be tough and realistic.
T or F b. s a good thing. It shows the child that you are being truthful with him.
T or F c. is sometimes a good thing. It demonstrates your disappointment in their behavior.
T or F d. is never a good thing. A child needs to know their parents love them.
39. Violence in the home will…
A. True, B. True, C. False, D. False
T or F a. create an unsafe and fragile environment for your child.
T or F b. often lead to more violence as the child grows and develops.
T or F c. provide your child a more realistic view of the harsh world around us.
T or F d. develop a child that is self-sufficient and can better handle the problems and issues in life.
40. Yelling at your child can be beneficial when…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True
T or F a. it gets your point across.
T or F b. it helps to clear your throat so you can talk calmly.
T or F c. it gets his attention when the trash needs to be taken out.
T or F d. he is about to be hit by a car.
41. “Forgiveness shows…”
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. False
T or F a. weakness and leads to others taking advantage of you.
T or F b. the negative way to deal with the person responsible for the problem.
T or F c. that you understand God forgave you for your mistakes.
T or F d. you are a pushover.
Parenting is not Easy! So What Happens now?
Lesson 9 serves as a whole-course review. This can be done as a single two-hour lesson or expanded into an additional tenth lesson. The extra time could be used for a graduation ceremony and provide time for a workshop where facilitators help clients smooth up and type their final Effective Parenting Plan. The entire tenth lesson could then be devoted to revising, editing and typing. If you are planning a tenth lesson with a graduation, be sure to let the class know at the start.
INTRODUCTION
This lesson covers some of the information already presented in this course and looks at resources that can assist you in being a better parent. If you started the course from the beginning, this is a review of the lessons. However, if you did not start the course at the beginning, this lesson will be a preview of the information you have not received and a review of the information you already learned. No matter at what point you began this course, the application of the information is what is important. Knowledge not applied is knowledge wasted. Whether you are a new parent with young children or a parent of older teens, one fact is for sure -parenting is not an easy task for anybody. Parenting is hard work and it is not for the weak at heart. It takes effort, energy, and discipline. God has placed you in an important position in his kingdom; the care of his children. With this in mind, many resources are available to assist you in parenting: friends, family, churches, clergy, support groups, counselors, literature, training, and agencies. However, it is ultimately your responsibility to make sure the task is conducted in a manner that is appropriate for your child, pleasing to God, and with your child’s best interest foremost in your heart.
MAIN ISSUES
The Starting Point
“Being a perfect parent doesn’t matter. Being a praying parent does.”
Stormie
Omartian The Power of a Praying Parent
It is important to understand that you are not a perfect parent and you will make mistakes. Acknowledging that you need assistance is one of the hurdles you must overcome as a parent. God has given you the opportunity to tap into His wisdom through the act of prayer. Prayer is nothing more than talking with God. You can pray anywhere, at any time, under any circumstances. Asking Him for help is nothing to be ashamed of or avoid. You will need to ask God for wisdom when dealing with your child and ask God to give your child wisdom when faced with life choices. Prayer is a powerful tool for you when making parental decisions.
In addition to prayer, the Christian has other resources and guidelines for better parenting. One is the Bible. Another is our fellow Christians who share their wisdom and experiences with us. Also, the Holy Spirit Himself leads and guides us as we live for God.
Forgiveness is a vital ingredient in being a Christian and parent. We must ask the question, “Are we carrying around any unforgiveness or resentment that has us stuck from moving on?” If we are, let’s deal with it immediately. Many times, the real reason we do not move ahead as we should is because we are ignoring underlying problems like unforgiveness. Before we move any further, is there any unforgiveness you need to confess and ask God to lift this burden from your life? If so, take care of it right now.
Discussion Question
What are some areas that God can help you with as a parent?
Allow time for discussion. Think of areas that give you the biggest struggle when it comes to your children.
How can unforgiveness impact your relationship with your child?
Allow time for discussion. Wait for it, even if no one answers right away. This is a deep question, and the only right answer is the one your group gives you. Also, there may be a new person in the group that has not had the opportunity to properly deal with unforgiveness.
The Power of Words
Positive words can lift up and encourage your child, but negative words can hurt and destroy your child. Additionally, your tone and attitude behind the words make a big difference in how your child reacts to what is being said. Remember, “It is not what you say; it is how you say it.”
Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Discussion Question
What changes do you need to make in how you talk to your child?
Allow time for discussion. Answers will be individually oriented. Also, there may be a new person in the group that has not had the opportunity to think about this subject.
Setting the Example
As a parent, your child looks at you and follows your example. What we learned about parenting mostly comes from our parents. In turn, we transfer this knowledge to our children through the way we parent. In addition to our parents, our relationship with God influences our parenting. As we come to the place where God wants us to be, we can better guide our children to that place in their own lives. Furthermore, it is important to recognize your limitations as a parent and to celebrate your strengths. Romans 12:21 states “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Discussion Question
List some of your strengths as a parent.
Answers will be individually oriented.
List some of your limitations as a parent.
Answers will be individually oriented.
Determining What is Important
With many things tugging at our lives, we have to set the right priorities. We must determine what is important and what is not. Priority setting must be a deliberate act, thought out ahead of time, and will often involve sacrifice. Once the priorities are set, they need maintaining so the ground gained is not lost. Issues like spending our time wisely, listening to our child, establishing good memories, and setting aside time for each child are matters that require consideration. Setting priorities is not an easy task, but we must accomplish this with a positive attitude. Philippians 2:14-15 tells us to
“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.”
Discussion Question
What do you need to change in order to make your child a priority?
Answers will be individually oriented. Consider how you spend your time: time spent at work, leisure time, with friends, and other family members.
Check your Attitude
The attitude we display as a parent has a big impact on the behavior our child exhibits. For example, if you show favoritism toward one child over another, this can build resentment. If you compare siblings with each other, animosity may be created between them. Additionally, if you are required to pay child support or experience a custody battle, be careful not to display resentment or hatred toward the other parent. This is confusing to your children, and they could begin to demonstrate anger or resentment toward you or the other parent. Moreover, encourage your child and do not be condescending toward them. Colossians 3:21 states:
“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
Discussion Question
What can you do to display a more positive attitude for your child?
Answers will vary. Consider displaying a greater sense of happiness and satisfaction with your life and what God has done for you and your family.
Be Aware of your Child’s World
When a child gets into trouble, many parents use the excuse that they are unaware of what their child is doing and whom they hang around with. Do not have your head in the sand when it comes to your child’s friends, school, or how they spend their leisure time. It is important for you to know how leisure time is spent and how your child is doing in school, especially in the teenage years. This is not the time to check out of parenting. Too many teenagers are left to their own devices to figure out life, and this leads to a greater peer influence and possible gang activity. Get to know your children. Know their desires, their abilities, their personality, and their differences. Spend time understanding them as a person, what they like and dislike, and their limitations. Do not push them toward activities that you like, but help them build their own desires and encourage them in a positive direction. This will help build your influence into their decision-making process.
Discussion Question
What are some of the ways you can be more aware of your child’s world?
Consider their school activities, friends, what they do in their leisure time, sports activities, and family time. Talk to them, ask them questions, take them to school, cook with them.
Identifying the Behavior
As your child grows and matures, the roles and responsibilities change. When your child is an infant or toddler, your role and responsibility are much greater. You provide everything the child needs, and you are responsible for the behavior displayed. However, as your child grows, this begins to shift, until eventually, the child is responsible for his or her behavior, and your role is more of a coach or advisor to guide your child. Parents often have a difficult time with this shift and children frequently do not want to take responsibility for their actions, although this change is necessary for proper development and growth. It is important for you as a parent to understand and recognize the changes in your child and to identify the behaviors associated with maturity and growth. You will be challenged as your child develops. Be ready to handle these challenges with the appropriate response. For example, discipline should be administered according to the maturity and development of your child; timeout and spanking are not appropriate for all ages. As your child matures, discipline should be directed more at the experience of natural consequences and less toward parentcontrolled action.
Discussion Question
Why is allowing your child to experience natural consequences important? When should you step in to protect your child?
Answers will vary. Consider what natural consequences are appropriate for children to experience and what areas the parent should be protective of the child i.e. when serious harm of injury will take place.
Discipline Not Carried Far Enough
Many parents have a difficult time disciplining their children and therefore fail to discipline them. If you are this type of parent, STOP. Discipline is an essential part of your child’s growth and development. Discipline in the role of a parent is about training children. The goal, then, is that they learn. Discipline is used to help shape your child’s will. First, rules for their safety and well-being—don’t touch that; do this, don’t do that. Gradually, the training shifts more toward a code of behavior—conduct in keeping with the kind of young
man or lady you’re trying to guide them into becoming. Discipline should be administered appropriately according to the development of the child. As a parent, you must balance the need for justice when your child misbehaves with the compassion required to demonstrate sympathy and help in a time of need.
Discussion Item
Give some examples of balancing Justice and Compassion.
Answers will vary.
Discipline Carried Too Far
Discipline administered inappropriately can turn into abuse. Parents must recognize the difference between discipline and abuse. Statutes vary between states as to what defines abuse, but they all agree that any form of punishment that results in harm to the child (physically, emotionally, or sexually) constitutes abuse. Spanking, when administered in an appropriate instructive manner, can be beneficial to shaping the will of your child. However, when discipline turns into abuse, the child’s spirit is broken and can have longterm emotional effects on the child. You, as the parent, should protect your child from abuse. This includes negative influences from outside sources like friends, television, video games, movies, and music. The home should be a sanctuary for the child to find rest and instruction. The Bible instructs us that those who harm children will be held accountable for their actions. Matthew 18:6
“If anyone causes one of these little ones – those who believe in me – to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”
Discussion Question
What requires a change in your family in order to be a better influence on your child?
Answers will vary.. Consider the amount of television being watched, the types of shows, time spent playing video games, the types of friends, and music your child listens to.
SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES
ALLOW
MINUTES 25
The parenting course means nothing if you don’t apply the information to your life. Consider the areas you’ve already identified that you need to improve. You will formulate a plan on how to implement what you have learned.
Discussion Exercise
Read the passage below and then write down your thoughts on it. Be sure to include the implications for being better parents.
James 1:22
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
Allow for individual answers.
APPLICATION
ALLOW MINUTES 25
Refer to the Effective Parenting Worksheet on page 88-89 as a basis for completing the Effective Parenting Plan on page 91. See page 90 for the instructions.
Example: Single Mother with 1 child
Topic: 3A: Watch Your Priorities – Spending Time Wisely
Why this is challenging for me: I have to be both Mother and Father for my child.
I work two jobs and have difficulty managing my spare time.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each answer below. Share your answers with the group.
42. Resources available to you to assist with parenting are…
A. True, B. True, C. True, D. False
T or F a. the Bible, prayer, and clergy.
T or F b. counselors, friends, and family.
T or F c. literature, parenting courses, and support groups.
T or F d. yelling sessions, Supernanny, and baseball bat.
43. The way I speak to my child…
A. True, B. False, C. False, D. True
T or F a. is important because words can hurt and destroy my child’s spirit.
T or F b. does not matter because they do not listen to me.
T or F c. should be the same way my father talked to me, by yelling.
T or F d. should encourage and uplift their spirit.
44. My priorities with my child should be determined by…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True
T or F a. the way I feel throughout the day.
T or F b. my work and leisure time schedule.
T or F c. the easiest activities that I can accomplish.
T or F d. listening to my child’s needs and setting aside quality time each day.
45. When I display a negative attitude toward my children…
A. True, B. True, C. False, D. False
T or F a. it can create resentment.
T or F b. the result is often animosity.
T or F c. I am providing them with a more realistic view of the world around us.
T or F d. I am building a better relationship with them.
46. Discipline should be administered with…
A. False, B. False, C. False, D. True
T or F a. a baseball bat upside the head.
T or F b. as much pain as possible.
T or F c. with whatever method will get the point across.
T or F d. a loving spirit and as a training tool for your child.
47. “Forgiveness shows…”
A. False, B. False, C. True, D. False
T or F a. weakness and leads to others taking advantage of you.
T or F b. the negative way to deal with the person responsible for the problem.
T or F c. that you understand God forgave you for your mistakes.
T or F d. you are a pushover.
Appendix
The Plan of Salvation
Is there any good reason why you cannot receive Jesus Christ right now?
How to receive Christ:
1. Admit your need (that you are a sinner).
2. Be willing to turn from your sins (repent).
3. Believe that Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and rose from the dead.
4. Through prayer, invite Jesus Christ to come in and control your life through the Holy Spirit (receive Him as Savior and Lord).
What to Pray
Dear God,
I know that I am a sinner and need your forgiveness.
I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins.
I am willing to turn from my sins.
I now invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal savior.
I am willing, by God’s strength, to follow and obey Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life.
Date
Signature
The Bible says “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13
“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become the children of God.” John 1:12
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1
• When we receive Christ, we are born into the family of God through the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit who lives within every believer. This process is called regeneration or the new birth.
• Share your decision to receive Christ with another person.
• Connect to a local church.
Resources from the Christian Community
The following are some resources that can assist you in parenting. There are many books, agencies, training courses, and websites available to you; this list only touches the surface.
Proverbs 19: 20 – 21
Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.
Proverbs 12: 15
The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.
BOOKS
Dr. James Dobson: The New Strong-Willed Child (2007)
The New Dare to Discipline (1996)
The New Hide or Seek (2001)
Parenting Isn’t for Cowards (2007)
Bringing up Boys (2005)
Bringing up Girls (2010)
Drs. Paul and Richard Meier: Family Foundations: How to Have a Happy Home. (1981)
Stormie Omartian: The Power of a Praying Parent (1995)
James Birney: Parenting from Prison (2011)
AGENCIES
Chaplain/Minister
Christian Parenting Center
Children’s Home Society
Focus on the Family
FamilyLife
Family Christian Counseling
Local churches
United Ministries
SUPPORT GROUPS
Local Churches
Parents Helping Parents
Single Parents Network
WEBSITES
www.parentingfromprison.com
www.focusonthefamily.com
www.php.com (Parents Helping Parents)
References
Cloud, Henry and John Townsend (1992).
Boundaries. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, pp. 194-195.
Cloud, Henry and John Townsend (1999).
Raising Great Kids. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, pp. 43-55.
Curtis, Eastman (2000),
Raising Heaven Bound Kids in a Hell Bent World. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, pp. 1-2.
Biblical Parenting for Life. Nashville: Word Publishing, a division of Thomas Nelson.
MacArthur, John (2000b).
What the Bible Says About Parenting. Nashville: Word Publishing, a division of Thomas Nelson.
McDowell, Josh (1996).
The Father Connection. Nashville, TN: Broadman & Homan Publishing.
Townsend, John (2006).
Boundaries with Teens. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, pp. 113-119.
Wright, H. Norman (2001), Pre-Hysteric Parenting: the Frazzled Parent’s Guide to Harmony in the Home. Colorado Springs, Colorado: Cook Communications Ministries.
Instructions for Completing the Effective Parenting Worksheet
1. Refer to the Effective Parenting Worksheet on pages 88-89. There are 30 topics there. The first one in lesson 1, for example, is item 1A, Watch your mouth ; The second one in lesson 1 is 1B, The power of words ; and the third item in Lesson 2 is 2C, Building family strengths , etc.
2. Fill in the appropriate blanks for each lesson you do. The PRI column is for your priority or how you rank the three or four topics of that lesson in importance. The example below shows a priority of "1", or highest ranking, for item 1A. The other two topics in the chart would have to be ranked "2" or "3."
LESSON Topic
EXAMPLE
Why this is challenging for me PRI 1--Watch Your Mouth A Freedom in forgiveness My father was abusive and he walked out on the family. 1
3. Use your Worksheet at the end of the course to come up with a personal and effective parenting plan using the template on page 91.
Effective Parenting Worksheet
NAME: LESSON Topic Why this is challenging for me
A Freedom in forgiveness
1--Watch Your Mouth
2--Watch Your Life
B The power of words
C Power in how they’re said
A Parenting by example
B Overcoming shortcomings
C Building family strengths
A Spend time wisely
B Build memories
3--Watch Your Priorities
4--Watch Your Attitude
C Single/blended families
D Decide to discipline
A Life is unfair; God is fair
B Favoritism
C Rejection
D View of discipline
LESSON
5--Watch How Your Child Is Doing
A Outside influences
B Influences at home
C Individual needs
D Stages of development
A Roles and responsibilities
6--Identify the BehaviorYours and the Child’s
7--Discipline Effectively
B Discipline types & amount
C Is spanking illegal?
D The rod of correction
A Definitions
B Your style of discipline
C Boundaries & relationships
D Handling power struggles
A Abuse: what the law says
B Physical abuse
8--Eliminate Abuse
C Emotional abuse
D The effects of violence
You will turn in this worksheet and your individualized Plan at the end of Session 9.
Instructions for Completing the Effective Parenting Plan
1. Refer to the Effective Parenting Worksheet on pages 88-89.
2. Of the thirty topics listed, select the seven that are the most important to you and fill in the topic codes in the Topic column of the Effective Parenting Plan chart on page 91 in order of importance.
3. Now that you have set your "hot topics", think about the challenges that they present to you. You probably have a better understanding of some of the topics since you first made your notes.
Use the SMART steps below to guide you:
• S pecific— “what is to be done?”
• M easurable— “will progress be observable?”
• A chievable— “can it be done?”
• R elevant—“should it be done?”
• T ime Oriented—“when will it be done?”
Not every question will apply to every topic, but these are questions we need to ask in our tentative steps. Here’s an example of what her steps might look like.
4. Now, jot down three steps in the "Steps" column that you can take to meet the challenges for each item in your list. Here is an example.
NAME:
MY PLAN FOR BECOMING A MORE EFFECTIVE PARENT
PRI Topic Steps
1) Begin praying today for Dad and my attitude toward him.
1 1A
2) Write him a letter within two weeks, telling him I forgive him.
3) Share my Plan with an accountability partner at our next meeting.
This person chose Forgiveness as her most challenging topic. She’ll be most effective if she takes SMART steps in her Plan.
5. Discuss your steps with your classroom partner. Are they SMART steps to take?
6. Once you both feel you understand how to write steps toward your goals, complete the Plan and discuss it with your partner. Call on your facilitator if you have questions.
About the Course and Authors
Family Integrity Training, 2009, 2014, 2018
This study guide was produced for parents wanting to be better parents. It addresses common issues that people face in raising children. It incorporates both biblical content and best practices from the professional community. The authors have done their best to "deliver" by providing useful information, tools, structure, focus, simplicity, spirituality, and practicality.
Course
I wish I had a course like this when I first started my family. I thought that because I was a good Christian husband and had a good Christian wife, parenting would be a snap.
- Don Pratt
This course is one of nine courses making up the FIT Curriculum. The other courses are Practical Parenting, Insight, Starting Over, Change of Heart, Free to Grow, Anger Dynamics, Dating and Marriage, Coping with the Losses of Life, and Financial Recovery. They cover six crucial focus areas of daily living: Parenting, Personal Integrity, Decision Making, Anger Management, Relationships, and Economics. More information can be found on the official FIT website at http://www.familyintegrity.org.
Authors
Dr. Donald Pratt received his Ph.D. degree from the University of South Florida (USF). His dissertation investigated the relationships between personal responsibility taken for one’s own actions (locus of controlinternal or external?) and that person’s observed behavior patterns – his speech. Previously he earned the degrees of M.Ed. from St. Lawrence University, Canton, NY, and B.S. in Physics from Syracuse University.
Dr. Pratt was a public school teacher in New York, Missouri, and Florida for 11 years. He served another 24 years as a faculty member on the staffs of Evangel University (Springfield, MO), University of South Florida (Tampa), University of Wyoming, and Bloomsburg University of Pennsylvania. After retiring from university life in 2004, Dr. Pratt became Care Pastor at Journey Assembly of God, Bradenton, FL and began developing a faith-based, 100 hour curriculum shortly thereafter to be used in the Florida state prison system. This led to the establishment of the FIT organization.
Dr. Pratt has an extensive background in church leadership, extending back to early adulthood. Most of his experience was as a layman, serving as choir director, board member, chairman of the board, Bible teacher, and faculty sponsor to college religious groups.
Dr. Pratt was married to the late Susan Lachut and had one son, John, of that marriage. John died in an accident in 1979, and his wife was lost to breast cancer in 1980. He then married the late Kathleen Richardson and had two sons, Donald Jr. and Paul. Congenital heart disease first claimed Kathleen in 2002 and then their son Donald Jr. of the same disease in 2006. Dr. Pratt now lives at home in Bradenton, FL with his son Paul. Through his extensive personal experience with grief and adjustment, as well as his teaching and a lifetime interest in good mental health, he has encouraged countless others going through hard times. His ministry is one of helping the brokenhearted.
Dr. Joseph Sheehan is a contributor to this course revision. Dr. Sheehan received his Ph.D. degree in Instructional Design and Development from the University of South Alabama (USA). His dissertation produced a construct validation of the mental models learning outcome. Much of his subsequent career has focused on higher level cognitive functions in support of skilled performance. He is a Certified Performance Technologist, specializing in assessing and augmenting human performance.
Dr. Sheehan retired from the Navy as an Avionics Officer. He retired from the Naval Air Systems Command as a training system designer/analyst, where he was inducted as Associate Fellow. Today in semi-retirement, Dr. Sheehan provides training system consultation for Department of Defense projects. He had previously earned degrees of M.Ed. from USA and B.Th. from Liberty Christian College. He served as Associate Director of International Admissions at USA, with a constituency of 850 students representing more than 80 nations.
In addition to volunteer design work with Dr. Pratt, Dr. Sheehan facilitates FIT 100-Hour Curriculum courses within the Florida correctional system and in the community. He’s finding the work with those who are marginalized and on the sidelines of society, for whatever reason, to be very satisfying.
Dr. Sheehan and his wife, Karen, live in Pensacola, FL where they attend Grace Community [Evangelical Free] Church and enjoy hiking, reading, and life together. They have two sons. One teaches Middle School English in Georgia, and the other is an instructional designer for the Board of Junior and Technical Colleges of Washington.
Dr. John Woods is also a contributor to this course revision. Dr. Woods received his Bachelor of Science and Master of Public Administration degrees from Troy State University. He is a retired Air Force Chief Master Sergeant with 30 years of active military service. After retiring from the Air Force, he taught Social Studies and was the Director of Education at an alternative school for at-risk youth. He currently works at Pensacola State College with military veterans. Additionally, Dr. Woods received a Doctor of Education degree from the University of West Florida.
In addition to volunteer design work with Dr. Pratt, Dr. Woods helps incarcerated military veterans through a mentorship program and facilitates courses at a local state prison. He enjoys reading, exercising, and camping. He is married with four children, six grandchildren, and one great grandchild. He and his wife live in Pace, FL and attend Grace Methodist Church of Pace.
Courses Making Up the FIT Life-Skills Program
150 hours of intense life-skills lessons emphasizing responsible decision-making addressing the most universal needs of purposeful and successful living
6 FOCUS AREAS 9 COURSES
A simple and effective guide with a solid and practical basis for enabling the small group to explore practical solutions and applications of parenting. Topics include the importance of personal speech, life style, priorities, and attitudes on child development. Other topics focus on monitoring your child’s environment, identifying behavior, discipline, and abuse 9
Based on the assumption that all of us have to deal with addictions of some type (substances, behavioral, or relationships, it provides a faithbased, non 12-step approach to addressing and handling personal hangups. Participants explore the nature of addictive behavior and ways to cope with it.
9
This course focuses on the purpose and planning that is necessary to start over when rebuilding your life. The chapters cover the process of finding faith, where to look for guidance, building moral character, and maintaining character. The book takes you through four stages: Charting a Course, Staying on Course, Traveling Light, and Arriving Home. 9
A conscious choice to change bad attitudes is the starting point followed up by personal application. Though many people have good intentions to change, they need help in understanding how thinking should drive emotions and not the other way around Filled with realistic scenarios, discussion questions, and easy-to- understand text.
Covers several areas in real life describing where we need to “grow up”, both socially and spiritually. We do this by eliminating the hindrances of life that hold us back. Covers “unmasked faces”, forgiveness, boundaries, childishness, and freedom.
Addresses personal anger in a gentle and progressive way. It starts with dealing with personal anger and ends with helping others and becoming a peacemaker. Group members learn to solve their own problems through numerous discussion exercises. They learn to share and benefit from the experiences and thoughts of their peers.
The Dating and Marriage course directly addresses the issues of troubled and broken relationships and is especially pertinent for adults who grew up as orphans or came from dysfunctional families. Effective with couples from all different kinds of backgrounds, it provides both practical and spiritual guidance. This course is especially relevant for current society where Christian values are often overlooked or dismissed.
Handling losses of any type including relationships, job, home, freedom, health, addiction, or death. Group members realistically come to terms with their own disappointments and losses, often for the first time. They see how easy it is to get stuck when issues are not properly dealt with in a healthy way and learn the steps of recovery. Numerous worksheets.
Discovering Financial Success was specially written for the needs of persons who need to start over financially. Habits of indebtedness and poor money and work management lead to destructive patterns that are hard to break and overcome. Spiritual and social responsibilities are also highlighted. Part 1 deals with managing money and Part 2 with making money.
