Handling Loss and Grief Group Member Guide

Handling Loss and Grief Workbook

By Raymond T. Brock, Ed.D. Communications should be addressed to: Turning Point Ministries, Inc. P.O. Box 22127 Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127 Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, The Scofield Reference Bible, King James Version. Copyright Š1909, 1917 by Oxford University Press. Used by permission of Oxford University Press. ŠTurning Point, 1996. All rights reserved.

All rights are reserved. No part of the material protected by this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the Turning Point Ministries.

Cover Photo: Bob Keebler Cover Design: Graphic Advertising Layout: Louise Lee

ISBN 10: 1-58119-015-8 ISBN 13: 978-1-58119-015-1

About the Author

Produced by

Dr. Raymond T. Brock (1927-2001) was a Licensed Professional Counselor from Tulsa, Oklahoma. He taught in Christian colleges and state universities in the United States and around the world.

Dr. Brock authored seven books and contributed to numerous periodicals and journals. He was a member of the American Psychological Association, American Association of Christian Counselors and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

Handling Loss and Grief C

ontents Page Introduction

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Session One — Facing the Losses of Life • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Session Two — A Christian View of Death • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Session Three — Ministering to the Dying • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Session Four — Coming Face to Face with Death • • • • • • • • •

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Session Five — Coping with Loss by Death • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Session Six — Facing the “Little Deaths” of Life

• • • • • • • • •

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Session Seven — The Language of Loss • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Session Eight — The Language of Recovery • • • • • • • • • • •

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Session Nine — Lessons Learned Through Grief • • • • • • • • •

58

References • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Introduction

To the Handling Loss and Grief Group

As you study these lessons it is our hope that you will be able to identify with what the Bible has to say about handling the losses of life. To grieve is human; how to grieve Christianly is supernatural. It requires us to invite the Holy Spirit to guide us through the grieving process.

To begin with, we will look at some of the losses that are experienced by the majority of people. These fall into two categories: 1) death and 2) the “little deaths� that are painful to us but are not terminal. Then, we will look at death as a reality of life and examine the processes of dying. At that point it will be appropriate to learn how to minister to a person who is dying. This is a special ministry that requires knowledge, wisdom, and discernment.

In examining the dimensions of grief, we will look at the meaning of various words that are used to describe the different steps in the grieving process.

Since we believe there is healing power in the bereavement process, we will look at how to experience the Lord’s healing while in the process of bereavement.

To make this journey through loss and grief, give yourself per mission to lower your defenses and deal with the losses of life that are inevitable on our jour ney from the cradle to the grave.

Recovering from the losses of life is essential if we are going to go on with life after the loss. This process of regaining our identity involves getting to know who we are as a widowed person, divorced person, or whatever our recovery identity will be.

Reconnecting with life is essential and allows us to move into the future with peace in our hearts and not linger inappropriately at any stage in handling what has been taken away from us.

In the last lesson, we will look at testimonies of Christians who have faced death or other losses that are severe but not terminal. This is possible when we recognize that in Jesus we have a blessed hope of life after death, and assurance of eternity after our earthly journey has been completed.

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1 Facing the Losses of

Session

Personal Preparation: Getting Ready for Session One

Life W

elcome

Personal Notes

Schedule 30 minutes each day to be alone with God. Spend this time in prayer, praise, Bible reading and meditation.

Read Deuteronomy 31:6-8; Hebrews 13:5.

Describe in your own words a major loss you have experienced in your own life.

How did you deal with the loss?

Have you completely recovered from the loss?

S

elf-Awareness Life is filled with its losses, each of which is a “little death.”H. Norman Wright has observed that loss is “a simple four-letter word that is one of our constant companions through life.”1 There is a balancing four-letter word called hope. When we can find hope in the midst of loss, we are well on the way to recovery. All losses hurt, whether they are big ones or little ones. We recover quickly from some losses; others take months or years to absorb. Some losses are temporary; others are permanent. Even then, the loss is embedded in our memories and can crop up in dreams or conversations without warning. What are some of the losses you have experienced in your life? Let’s look at some of the losses that are common in human experience.

Tangible losses. Have you ever had your car vandalized? Your home burglarized or destroyed by fire, wind, or earthquake?

Have you lost a prized possession or had it stolen? What was your feeling? How long did it take you to recover from the loss?

Intangible losses. These include things we expected to increase in value but they didn’t, such as an investment in stocks, bonds, antiques, gold, silver, or certificates of deposit. This also applies when a promotion does not come through as expected or grades in a class or on a term paper are less than anticipated. Intangible losses also include the loss of an ideal, a dream or a life’s goal.

Physical losses. When health goes, life becomes very complicated. The loss of a body part or function through amputation, Session 1 5

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mastectomy, hysterectomy or vasectomy is a major loss.

Aging brings loss of hair, vision, hearing, muscle tone and skin texture. It also brings an increase in weight and wrinkles which are visual reminders of the loss of youth. The ultimate physicalloss, however, is the death of a loved one.

Emotional losses. Emotional losses are among the hardest to accept. Rejection by a friend or colleague, loss of status in agroup or loss of self-esteem bring embarrassment that never seems to go away. Shame and guilt bring alienation from others, compounded by self-blame and withdrawal from supportive relationships.

Vocational losses. The loss of a job can be devastating to anyone, especially the breadwinner of the family. Even if it is a second job, it represents a threat to survival. Failure to get apromotion can have the same effect as a transfer to a less desirable position or to another part of the country.

Relational losses. The loss of a valued friendship can be devastating, especially if the relationship has matured to a confidential level. Whether the separation is the result of a transfer or death, the loss will be enduring until the grief work is completed. This will also be true when a romance is broken, no matter what the age of the one suffering the loss. Another void is created when children leave home for college, marriage or to enter the world of work.

Marital losses. Divorce is the ultimate relationship loss. When problems in marriage culminate in separation and divorce,the loss is experienced by the whole family. In some ways, loss through divorce is harder on the family than death, which is terminal but it has a ceremonial closure.

Divorce, however, leaves the family in suspended animation for years as custody and child support battles rage long after the initial disruption.

Educational losses. When a person changes majors in college and some of the credits do not transfer, a loss is experienced.

This is also true when a student changes schools and losescredits. Termination of a scholarship or change in family circumstances may result in having to withdraw from school, which could be a substantial loss to a young person.

Cultural losses. Cultural loss is experienced by immigrants going to a new country, leaving the familiar behind. It is also experienced by missionaries who must adjust to a new country,language and set of customs. After several years abroad, they suffer another culture shock when they return to their home culture and find that it has changed drastically during their absence.

Rootedness losses. Children are especially susceptible to loss of roots. This happens when their parents move to a new part of town, out of state or around the world and they have to 6 Session 1

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give up their friends and familiar surroundings. It also happens when they change schools, either by transfer or promotion. Leaving the familiar behind and being overwhelmed by the strangeness of the new situation puts pressures on their young lives that can leave indelible marks and bring frustration for years to come.

The attitude we have toward the losses of life will either make us or break us. We need to learn that we cannot always be in control of our lives. We should learn to change the things we can change, learn to accept the things we can not change, and ask for divine guidance to know the difference.

Rather than letting the losses of life make us bitter, we should determine to let them make us a better person because of the experience. Faith in the faithfulness of God to see us through the dark times will make us a better person and keep hope alive in our hearts!

Memorize the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wis dom to know the difference.

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piritual-Awareness God has promised to be with us in all of our losses. Nothing comes into our lives without His presence. As we read through the Bible, we are constantly amazed at the variety of ways God has demonstrated His concern for His people. It is comforting to knowthat we are not alone when we face the losses of life. As you read the following verses, look for the variety of ways God demonstrated His care and concern for His children.

In 25 words or less, summarize what the following verses say to you.

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✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Job 1:12,20-22

❏ Job 19:25-27

❏ Job 42:10,16,17

❏ Psalm 37:25

❏ Isaiah 53:4,5

❏ Lamentations 3:22,23

❏ Luke 4:18

❏ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

❏ Hebrews 2:18

❏ Hebrews 4:14-16

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A

pplication

Life is filled with losses both small and great. If we confront each loss and ask God to show us the purpose behind it, we will be able to handle it more effectively as we draw on divine strength from Him. Even the reversals in life have meaning when we allow the Holy Spirit to show us the broader picture from God’s perspective.

Read Mark 12:28-31. In this passage “heart” refers to loving Godwith your knowledge and understanding; “soul” refers to your emotions; “mind” refers to wisdom in applying information to the problems of life and “strength” refers to your actions. This includes the sum total of the human personality.

Examine your relationship with God. Ask Him to show you what Heis wanting you to learn as a result of the loss. Be assured that as there is a silver lining behind every dark cloud. There isa purpose in everything God allows to come into our lives.

How can God reveal His purpose to you as you are experiencing a loss in your life?

Examine your relationship with yourself. Is there anything about you that needs to be changed in order for you to love the Lord with all your heart and soul and mind and strength?

What adjustments do you need to make in your outlook on life or in yourbehavior? The Holy Spirit will reveal this to you if you ask Him. Examine your relationships with others. Are there problems in interpersonal relationships that need to be confronted orcor rected? Read Matthew 5:23,24. This passage from the Sermon on the Mount says that if you are praying and remember you are at odds with someone, you are to take the initiative to go to that person and offer to be reconciled.

Jesus did not say you have to extract an apology from that person, He said to go and offer to makepeace. Then you can return to the place of prayer and God will reward you with His blessing because of your obedience.

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Assignment: This week take a piece of blank paper. Draw a line down the middle of the page. Title the left column: Loss.

Title the right column: Lesson. Think back to your earliest memory. List the losses you have experienced that were of sufficient magnitude for you to remember them at this time.

Move tothe right column. See if you can put into words what you learnedfrom each experience. When we learn the lesson behind each loss, we are better equipped to handle new losses that will inevitability come our way.

Profiting from small losses prepares us to handle the bigger losses that come as we get older and life gets more complicated. There are some losses that will occur over and over again because life continues. However, we do not have to go back to square one when the loss is repetitious. Children will continue to grow up and leave home, friends and relatives will die, illnesses and accidents will repeat themselves.

As we profit from what we learned as a result of a previous loss, we will be better equipped to handle the new losses in life. Also, as we learn to walk in the Spirit and move with the flow of life, we can face each day with confidence and know there will be a new day tomorrow. A day in which the Lord will reveal a new dimension of Himself to us.

Write a prayer thanking God for how He has been with you through the losses of your life. Ask Him to help you fortify yourself so you will be able to deal with future losses in a way that reveals His presence in your time of distress.

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2 A Christian View

Session

Personal Preparation: Getting Ready for Session Two

of Death M

eet With God

Personal Notes

Schedule at least a half hour each day to be alone with God in a time of prayer, praise, Bible reading and meditation.

Read Luke 20:34-38; Hebrews 2:9-17.

Why is death in the world?

Do Christians and non-Christians experience death the same way?

How do we know when death actually occurs?

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elf-Awareness Death is a fact of life. Hebrews 9:27 says: “It is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment.” Death may be the result of natural or accidental causes, suicide or homicide. Death has been defined as an irreversible state that marks the cessation of all those physiological processes that sustain life.It represents the point in time when the body ceases to function on earth, freeing the spirit and soul to return to the God who made them.

Attempts at defining the exact point of death have been many. It is the time when: a) “the heart ceases to beat”, b) “the flow of oxygen to the brain ceases”, c) “meaningful capacity for communication and relationships ends”,1 d) “there is irreversible destruction of brain matter with no possibility of regaining consciousness”, e) “spontaneous heartbeat cannot be restored”, or f) “brain death is established by the EEG[electroencephalogram].” 2 Schneidman concluded that death“refers to the last line of the last scene of the last act of thedrama of that actor.”3

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Death was not a part of God’s original creation. It came into human experience as the result of sin. In the Garden of Eden, Adamand Eve listened to the tempting words of Satan as he questionedif God really meant what He said concerning not eating from thetree of the knowledge of good and evil that stood in the middle of the Garden (Genesis 2:16,17; 3:1-7). Since then, death has been an inevitable part of the human condition.

Ancient Egyptians believed the quality of life after death was contingent on preserving the body. They perfected the art of mummification to preserve the body and buried their dead with theutensils and objects they had used in life. Aristocrats built towering pyramids as memorials to the dead which can still be seen in Egypt today and are considered among the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

The Greeks were more philosophical about death. Their view was one of passive acceptance. It is best phrased by Socrates in B.C. 399, when he was seventy years old. He was charged and then sentenced to death by the Athenian elders for “polluting the minds of ouryouth.” As he held the suicidal hemlock in his hand, Socrates declared: “And now it is time to go, I to die, and you to live; but which of us goes to a better thing is unknown to all but God.”4 In Rome, two conflicting views of death were held concurrently. The poet, Cicero, wrote: “After death we shall for the first timelive.” Gaius Caesar, a Roman politician, declared on the floor of the Senate: “Beyond this life there is no place for either trouble or joy.” He was reflecting the fatalism of the barbarian tribes who were camped on the borders of the Roman Empire, preparing for an invasion that would culminate in the fall of Rome.

In the First Century, Jesus came preaching redemption and eternal life. He declared the answer to the philosophical and spiritual quest of the ancient Mediterranean world. His message of lifeafter death is as relevant today as it was when He introduced thegospel two millennia ago.

According to Wayne Oates, “The Old Testament did not separate man into body, soul, and spirit or body, mind, emotions, and will. The Hebrew language referred to man as a nephesh, a whole being.”5 To this R. W. Doss added: “This holistic concept envisioned man as enlivened dust, an animated body which was a unit of vital power functioning as a psychophysical organism.”6 For the Christian, death is a release from the limitations of earthly life and an introduction to eternal life with Christ in Heaven. Rather than fearing death, the Christian should look forward to life after death with joy and expectation. For the non–Christian, however, death is the entrance into eternal damnation and punishment in Hell (Daniel 12:2).

What is your view of death?

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Now, let’s look at what the Bible teaches about death: Death is in the world because of sin. Each child is born into a world of sin. Without regeneration through the blood of Jesus Christ. We are all incapable of living without sin (Romans 6:2).

Death is an inevitable event. This is declared in Joshua’s dying testimony (Joshua 23:14). The promise of death is as sure as the promise of salvation.

Death is a universal event. As noted earlier in this lesson, it comes to people of all nations and all ages. “It is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment” (Hebrews 9:27). This refers to mankind universal—every man, woman, teen-ager, boy and girl from every continent, country, city, town and farm.

Death is no respecter of persons. It comes to everyone, no matter what his/her rank, caste or social status. Job put it this way: “There [in death] the wicked cease from troubling; and therethe weary be at rest. There the prisoners rest together; they hearnot the voice of the oppressor. The small and great are there; and the servant is free from his master” (Job 3:1719).

At death the body returns to dust. Since Adam was created from the dust of the earth and Eve was custom made from Adam’s side, God declared that the expired human body would return to dust (Genesis 2:7; 3:19). Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, came to the same conclusion after a lifetime of searching for knowledge (Ecclesiastes 3:20; 12:7).

Death was to be conquered by the Messiah,who would remove its sting. Isaiah 25:8, prophesied that “the Lord will swallow death invictor y; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from off all faces,and the rebuke of his people shall be taken away from off all theearth; for the Lord hath spoken it”. Jesus accomplished the taskand Paul reaffirmed this promise in the New Testament (John 5:24; 1 Corinthians 15:51-57).

Death involves laying aside the body, the taking down of a temporary tent (2 Corinthians 5:1; 2 Timothy 4:6). This was illustrated by Abraham who lived in tents while he “looked for a city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God” (Hebrews 11:8-10). This, of course, referred to Heaven, the eternal home of the Christian.

Death is a temporary state described as “sleep” by Jesus when He was explaining the death of Lazarus (John 11:11-14). For the believer, it will be followed by the resurrection.

Christians are not shielded from experiencing death just because they know Jesus. All mankind, believers and unbelievers, are subject to the same laws of Nature set in place by God at the Session 2 13

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time of creation (Matthew 5:45). As a result, no correlation canbe drawn between the manner of a person’s death and the value of his/her life.

Resurrection will be for both believers and unbelievers, according to Revelation 20:4-6,11-15. All who are born, no matter how long or short their life span, will face God in final judgment.

Believers will be rewarded for their faithfulness.

Unbelievers face death with dread. Matthew 13:41,42,50; 25:30 declare that Hell is real. That is why believers need to be concerned about the spiritual condition of their friends and loved ones and do their best to introduce them to Jesus before it is too late (Matthew 28:19,20). Jesus gave His life so all mankind could be saved and none should be lost (John 3:16,17).

Sinners will be judged for their failure to accept Jesus as Lord. They will then be consigned to the eternal torment in Hell along with the devil and his demons (Matthew 25:46; 2 Thessalonians 1:8-10; Jude 6).

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piritual-Awareness Our personal relationship with God will determine how we interpret death for ourselves and others. He is “not willing that any shouldperish but that all should come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9). The Bible is filled with references that help us develop our own philosophy of death. When we understand God’s point of view, it will help us deal with death and grieving over the losses of life.

Now, we will focus specifically on the death of the righteous.

As you read these scriptures, ask the Holy Spirit to make them come alive to you.

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✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Job 19:25-27

❏ Ecclesiastes 3:1-10

❏ John 14:2,3

❏ I Corinthians 13:12

❏ I Corinthians 15:51-52

❏ 2 Corinthians 5:8

❏ 2 Timothy 4:7,8

❏ Revelation 6:10,11; 14:13; 22:20

❏ Revelation 21:4

A

pplication

In this lesson we have established that death is a reality.

Whether one is a Christian or not determines how a person views death. The reality of death can be summarized in five statements: 1. Death is a natural event. It may be viewed either as a final enemy or as a friend who ushers believers into the presence Session 2 15

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of God. This is illustrated by John Quincy Adams, fifth president ofthe United States. When he was in his eighties someone asked him how he was. The elderly statesman replied: “John Quincy Adams isquite well. But the house where he lives is becoming dilapidated. It is tottering. Time and the seasons have nearly destroyed it and it is becoming quite uninhabitable. I shall move out soon. But John Quincy Adams is quite well, thank you.”

2. Death is a personal event. Death is the terminal event in life, an event that confronts a man or woman with the meaning of life. Note that death is not something that happens to us—it is anevent in which we all must participate.

3. Death is a social event. Death usually occurs within a community of friends and relatives. At other times, it occurs in themidst of strangers in a hospital. The observers are left to interpret the impact of the event on the dying person. They also must come to grips with the meaning of life and death for themselves. It is they who ultimately conclude whether death has been a defeat or a victory.

4. Death is a mystery. The mystery that overshadows death is mankind’s inability to comprehend what the death of self means. We have a tendency to protect ourselves in contemplating death. Even when a person imagines his/her own death, there is the awareness that he/she is the thinking subject. It appears to be impossible for human beings to contemplate non-being. In our own unconscious we are all convinced of our own immortality. This is reflected in the old Pennsylvania Dutch proverb which says: “Death will come to thee and thee, but not to me.”

5. Death is a liberating experience. Death is not necessarily a painful experience. There are times when pain may precede death, but death brings an end to pain, anxiety and tension.

The fear of death, beyond the consciousness of sin, lies in guilt, loneliness and fear of the unknown. These are not Christian concerns and need not cloud the death of the righteous.

Write a summary of Ecclesiastes 12:3-7, pointing out the figures of speech that describe the aging process.

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to the 3 Ministering Dying

Personal Preparation: Getting Ready for Session Three

Session

M

Personal Notes

eet With God

Schedule 30 minutes each day to be alone with God to read the Word, pray, praise, and meditate on God’s Word. Read I Corinthians 15:51-58 and 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.

Have you ever been called on to minister to a person who was dying?

What did you do?

Were you comfortable talking about approaching death?

S

elf-Awareness Thanatologists, those who study death and dying, have concluded that death is a single point on the Continuum of Consciousness.

It involves every living person, from the patient lying comatose in the hospital, through sleeping, waking, alertness and higher levels of consciousness which lead to ecstasy where many Christians pause as they surrender to the arms of Jesus in death.

Continuum of Consciousness ______________________________________________________ Coma

Deep Sleep

Dream Sleep

Alertness

Raptness

Ecstasy

Death

This diagram describes the life and death of the Christian on a linear plane. Coma is a clinical state and represents the lowest level of consciousness. As we awaken in the morning we pass through the levels of sleep into alertness where we spend most of our waking hours. Higher levels of consciousness include raptness and ecstasy. The believer enters death through ecstasy because of his/her hope in the resurrection. A Christian who is dying may appear to be comatose, but on the pre-conscious level he/she is fully aware of passing through ecstasy into death where he/she is met by Jesus and introduced into Heaven.

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However, a linear diagram does not represent the experience of the non-Christian. It may be more accurate to view the Continuum of Consciousness from a three-dimensional perspective, bringing the ends together to form a full circle. From this perspective, the unbeliever progresses through awareness, the stages of sleep into a coma. He/She enters death through a coma to wait in sheol for the resurrection, which will be followed by judgment and consignment to Hell for eternity.

1. Coma. In order to minister to a person who is dying, it is necessary to determine at which point he/she is on the continuum of consciousness. The person who is in a coma does not respond to what is happening. However, he/she may be aware on the unconscious level what is going on and what is being said. Be careful not to say anything in the room of a person who is in a coma that you would not say if he/she were sitting up and talking to you. The unconscious person records in memory what is going on and can bring it up to the level of consciousness when he/she recovers.

2. Deep sleep. When the average person first goes to sleep, he/she goes into deep sleep. This is where rest takes place.

The first phase lasts about an hour and a half. We all need from eight to nine hours of sleep every night. During this time we should experience five or six periods of deep (restful) sleep.

3. Dream sleep. Dream sleep does not come until we have had the first episode of deep sleep. Dream sleep is called REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. This is the time we dream.

Everyone dreams unless he/she is too tired and needs more deep sleep. Dreams may last from a few seconds to over an hour. They may be in black and white or technicolor. If you do not remember your dreams, it may indicate that you did not wake up during a dream cycle or the content of the dream was not significant enough for you to remember it.

When you have the same dream repeatedly, it is wise to ask the Lord if He is trying to tell you something like He did toJoseph, Samuel and David. Repetitious dreams may have a hidden significance that needs to be explored.

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4. Alertness. This is the stage of awareness which most people experience during their waking hours. It indicates that we are awake, alert, and able to function adequately on a conscious level. This is where we work, play and socialize.

5. Raptness. The level of consciousness when happiness overcomes us or we are in the presence of the Lord in prayer and meditation, we call raptness. This is a time in which we are more intune with higher order cognitive thoughts or spiritual experiences. We are still aware of what is going on around us, but we are more tuned in to internal things than external stimuli.

6. Ecstasy . The height of consciousness is called ecstasy. This is illustrated when a person sees a vision or is in a trance. This is what Paul experienced when he said he was drawn up to the third heaven and was not free to share what was revealed to him during this state of ecstasy (2 Corinthians 12:2-4).

7. Death . Four terms are used to denote the varying degrees of conscious and unconscious involvement a person has in effecting or hastening his/her own death. a. Intentional death. This applies in suicide where the person plays a direct and conscious role in his/her own death. b. Subintentioned death. This refers to those occasions in which the individual plays an indirect, covert, partial, or unconscious role in his/her own death, such as as being careless, imprudent, foolhardy, forgetful or lacking in judgment. c. Unintentioned death. This occurs when a person does not deliberately plan a significant role in his/her death.

He/she is going about his/her own business at the time of death with no conscious intention of effecting or hastening death. This includes death by both disease and accident. d. Contraintentioned death. This is when a person threatens suicide but has no intention of carrying it out. Schneidman said: “An individual who uses the semantic blanket of ‘Suicide’ with a conscious absence of any lethal intention I shall term as one who has employed contraintentioned behavior.” 2 Have you had memorable experiences with the dying?

Describe.

Since “it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment” (Hebrews 9:27), we need to become familiar with death. As we minister to the dying, we are afforded a wonderful opportunity to come to grips with our own death, so we need not be filled with apprehension when the time comes for us to die.

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piritual-Awareness As you read the following scriptures, consider what they are saying about ministering to a dying friend or relative.

Remember, the word “death” in scripture means separation from God or being cut off from realizing God’s purpose in life.

In 25 words or less, summarize what the following verses say to you.

✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Genesis 2:17; 3:17; Romans 5:12-21

❏ Genesis 47:27-31; 49:33

❏ Deuteronomy 6:4,5; Ecclesiastes 12:13; Revelation 4:11

❏ Psalm 116:15,16

❏ Isaiah 57:1,2

❏ Romans 3:23; 6:23

❏ 1 Corinthians 15:55-57; 2 Timothy 1:7; 1 John 4:18

❏ Galatians 1:15,16; 1 Corinthians 15:19 20 Session 3

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✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Ephesians 2:8-10; John 10:27-29

❏ 1 John 1:9; Romans 8:1; 2 Corinthians 5:17

A

pplication In this lesson we have examined some of the things we can do in ministering to the person who is dying. We have looked at the levels of consciousness and noted that death is a fixed point on the Continuum of Consciousness. Now, let us look at some of the cautions that should be taken by the one who is ministering to the dying.

Minister to the person, not the disease. Always refer to the person by his/her name, not the disease or condition he/she has.

Sometimes members of the hospital staff have been heard referring to the dying person as the “cancer patient” or the “heart patient.” The person who hears this feels depersonalized. He/She is diminished from being a person to being a disease.

Be open with the dying person. The person who is dying has a right to know what is happening to him/her. Acknowledging the impending death of the person should help both the dying and the living cope more easily with approaching death. Until the living have come face to face with their own anxiety about death, they will be of little assistance to the one who is dying.

Consult the dying in making their treatment plan. Arbitrary decisions made by medical personnel and/or family members undercut the dignity of the dying. It is a form of denial on the part of caretakers to make decisions without consulting the patient. Remember, dying is an experience in which the person must actively participate.

An illustration from the work of Dr. Kubler-Ross underscores this important point: When I walked into Jeffrey’s room, I heard a young eager beaver physician who had just taken over the ward say to Jeffrey’s parents, “We’re going to try another experimental Session 3 21

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chemotherapy.” He said this very casually, as if it were nothing. If he had looked at Jeffrey, he would have seen the child’s face pale and his eyes tear up. He was so fragile, I blurted out, “Did anybody ask Jeffrey?” They shook their heads as if to say you don’t ask a 9-year-old child if he wants more treatment. I said, “Yes you do.” He knows what he needs, not from his head, but from his heart.3 Then, she noted the family, friends, and caretakers “must understand that it is not the years that people live, it is how they have lived. If they live fully, they will feel that they have lived a hundred lives.4 Ask what is needed. This opens an opportunity to help the dying person get his/her personal affairs in order. The dying should make plans for their estate so the family will not have to make vital decisions while under the stress of shock and grief. It is wise to consider drawing up a Revocable Living Trust that stipulates what is to happen to the assets after death. It is also wise to consider a Living Will that will instruct medical personnel whether to do everything possible to prolong life or not to initiate heroic procedures to sustain life artificially.

Ministering to the dying is a specialized ministry that must be cultivated by prayer, study, and experience. The one who would engage in this ministry must come to grips with his/her own death. As one insightful college student observed in a class on death and dying, “You can’t really live until you have faced your own attitude toward death.”

Briefly describe the four points on ministering to the dying.

Write a prayer thanking God for His plan of salvation. Ask Him to give you guidance in assisting those who are dying.

Then ask Him to help you capture the concept that death is not the end of life, but the introduction into eternal life. Ask Him to generate a healthy anticipation of life after death while sustaining an active involvement in life as long as He provides breath and strength.

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Face to Face 4 Coming with Death

Personal Preparation: Getting Ready for Session Four

Session

M

eet With God

Personal Notes

Schedule 30 minutes each day to be alone with God. In your devotions, pray, praise, read the Bible, and meditate on what the scriptures are saying to you. Read Psalm 23 and Philippians 1:21-26.

S

elf-Awareness Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D., has spent most of her professional career working with dying patients in Chicago hospitals. Her observations of the death of both the young and the old have yielded insights of inestimable value to both the dying and those who want to assist them in the process. 1 In our previous session, we looked at helping the dying person. In this lesson, we want to look at facing death ourselves.

Stages of Dying • Denial — This is the initial stage of death the patient experiences when first informed of a terminal illness. It carries with it a shock which is frequently accompanied by withdrawal and/or isolation.

“No, it can’t be me...There must be some mistake...You must have mixed my tests up with someone else...” are frequent responses in the denial stage. Whether the pronouncement is for hours, days, weeks, months or years of life, denial crops up almost automatically.

It has been noted that denial can be a useful defense mechanism because it is difficult for a person to move from feeling reasonably healthy at one moment only to be confronted with the realization of death as an approaching reality.

• Anger — Anger can be directed in many directions: a) at God for letting it happen; b) at the physician for bringing the bad news; c) at survivors because they are going to continue to live; or d) at oneself for not taking better precautions against accident or disease.

Anger often strikes without warning and is directed indiscriminately. Dr. Billie Davis has said, “The anger subsides more quickly when it is allowed to run its course with as little reaction from others as possible.”2

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• Bargaining — This is a stage of quiet guilt and psychological negotiations for more time and another chance at life. Some patients with a terminal illness think that if they act more “correctly” they will win an extension of life. Not everyone bargains, but “the promise of good behavior in exchange for longer life may motivate a significant portion of the dying individuals’ behavior.”3 • Depression — The depression may be intense, or only a blue mood. This is influenced by the patient’s view of life and life after death. It is not unusual for it to develop into a clinical depression which will warrant psychiatric intervention. The depression may be complicated by worrying about the money being spent in treatment or the time lost from work. More frequently, it will focus on being separated from one’s family.

• Acceptance — When the patient accepts the fact of impending death, he/she can put personal affairs in order and still maintain hope for an extension of life. “Acceptance is a final stage of rest before the terminal experience.”4 Put another way, “In essence we have said goodbye to the world and to our families and loved ones and now wish to die. Having detached ourselves from the world and from our important relationships, death becomes a great relief.”5 Running through the stage of acceptance is a conscious or unconscious hope for a remission, a healing, or a miraculous deliverance.

Unless the patient has this indomitable hope, he/she degenerates rapidly. Medical personnel have observed that the patient who has lost hope usually dies within 24 to 48 hours. 6 It should be noted that these stages are not mutually exclusive. The patient may vacillate from acceptance to momentary denial or anger and then revisit bargaining and depression. It has been observed that a person must have worked through the earlier stages of grief in order to maintain a positive acceptance as death approaches. It is in surrendering to the sovereignty of God that makes the death of the believer a testimony to the world of the mystical relationship between Christ and His church.

A former hospital administrator said, “I have observed hundreds of terminal patents and witnessed scores of deaths. It has been spiritually moving to witness the death of saints who slipped into the arms of their Maker. It has also been a grueling experience when the intrinsic faith was not present to sustain dying people in the hour of their death.”7

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S

piritual-Awareness Coming to grips with our own death will help us handle other losses in life Christianly. The secret is to concentrate on this one fact: this life is only a prelude to eternal life. It is like a dress rehearsal for a major production. The value of the final presentation depends on how well the dress rehearsal has gone.

As you read the following scriptures, consider what they are saying to you about your own death.

✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Genesis 25:8; 35:28,29

❏ 2 Kings 20:1-11

❏ Job 2:8-10

❏ Psalm 23

❏ Luke 23:39-43

❏ John 12:26

❏ Philippians 1:21-26

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Notes from the Reading

✓ Reference ❏ 2 Timothy 4:6-8

❏ Revelation 14:13

A

pplication Dr. Edgar M. Jackson has identified ten factors that determine whether or not a person can face death with dignity.8 These factors have to do with facing the realities of life and achieving maturity as a fully functioning person. The way we live will significantly influence the way we die. Others will judge whether our death has been a defeat or a victory.

As you read this list, evaluate yourself on each statement, using a 10-point scale, (with 1 for the lowest value and 10 for the highest value).

1. The ability to be guided by reality rather than fear. The mature Christian will face death realistically, knowing that the sting of death was removed at Calvary. So, you can ask with confidence, “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?”

(1 Corinthians 15:55).

2. A set of long-term values. A person’s value system is the result of years of examining the opportunities of life. In the process, you distinguish between beliefs, attitudes, and value. Rokeach concluded from his research: “An adult probably has tens or hundreds of thousands of beliefs, thousands of attitudes, but only dozens of values”.9 Values are the things in life we find worth living by and dying for. These values form the core of one’s philosophy of life.

3. A mature conscience. A mature conscience is one that is rooted in reality, not shame, guilt, fear, or anger. It reflects our relationship with God and applies biblical principles to the ordinary situations of life. As a result, the person is an integrated personality, not dysfunctional.

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4. A reasonable dependence. A healthy person will not withdraw in isolation, no longer concerned with others. Dependence, in this setting, is more of an ability to minister to the needs of others than being rescued by them. They are not dependent on significant others for their self esteem. Dependence implies involvement in the welfare of others without losing your own identity.

5. A sense of interdependence. Maturing persons move from dependence to independence and on to interdependence.

Interdependence is a condition of being free to follow life’s callings and God’s leadings without being selfishly isolated from others. You are able to cast your own shadow and still reach out and share with others in your quest for freedom of thought and movement.

6. Capacity to give, as well as, receive love. Love (agape) is a selfless love that comes from an intimate relationship with God, for “God is love” (1 John 4:8). It is universally agreed that everyone needs love. Agape love is not spontaneous—it is a decision, an act of the will. For the Christian, “it is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). One of the qualities of maturity is being able to receive love from God and others, not just demonstrate loving behavior and then remain aloof from involvement with others.

7. A reasonable assertiveness. Striking the balance between passivity and aggressiveness is a major task of life. This is called assertiveness. The mature person makes his/her wishes known, but not in objectional ways. You do not have to give up helplessly in the face of death. Rather, you face death with a tenacity that leads to victory.

8. Healthy defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms are the mental and emotional techniques a person develops to remain sane—neither neurotic nor psychotic. Good mental health utilizes healthy defense mechanisms and does not engage in selfdefeating attitudes or actions that will lead to mental illness. We all need to learn how to think as Jesus thought (Philippians 2:5).

9. Good sexual adjustment with acceptance of one’s own gender. The healthy adult man knows he is male and becomes masculine; the healthy adult woman knows she is female and becomes feminine. These individuals do not seek to express themselves as bisexuals, homosexuals, or promiscuously. They know who they are and are comfortable with their psychosexual orientation.

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10. Good work adjustment. Healthy adults adjust to the demands of the world of work. They enjoy their vocation but do not become a workaholic. They leave the job on the job. They look forward to time with the family and church, as well as in community activities, that make a contribution to the welfare of others.

Summarize the 10-point scale.

Write a prayer of thanksgiving for the Bible and all it has to say about living a full life and preparing for life after death.

Ask the Lord to help you attain a high level of development in the tasks that need to be accomplished in order to face death realistically. As you review the 10 factors that contribute to being able to die with dignity, ask Him to show you how to develop the traits and attitudes in any of the areas where your score was below 5.

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with Loss by 5 Coping Death

Personal Preparation: Getting Ready for Session Five

Session

M

eet With God

Personal Notes

Spend a minimum of 30 minutes each day with the Lord.

Read Isaiah 6:1-8 and John 11:1-46. Pray, praise the Lord, and meditate on what He is saying to you.

Assignment Review: If you wrote a funeral plan or obituary during the week, volunteer to share it with the group.

What death has been the most difficult for you to handle?

What made this death significant?

Have you fully recovered from the grief?

If not, how can the group help you process your loss?

S

elf-Awareness Many events in life are disturbing. Some produce more stress than others. Professors T. H. Holmes and R. H. Rahe, of the University of Washington, have designed “The Social Readjustment Rating Scale� to measure the degree of distress created by various losses in life.1 The scale measures 43 life events on a scale of from 1 to 100 degrees of intensity (scale on page 36).

If a person has 150 or less total points on the scale, he/she is said to be handling the losses of life appropriately and has only about a 25% chance of a serious health change within two years. Scores from 150 to 300 indicate the person has a 50% chance of a serious health change within two years.

Scores above 300 suggest a person has an 80% chance of a serious health change in two years and demands a change of lifestyle. The study also indicated 20% of the people with scores above 300 do not experience illness or accident because they have developed adequate coping skills and see a crisis in life as an opportunity for creative living.

It was concluded in the study that the death of a spouse is the most significant loss a person can experience. It rates 100 on the 100-point scale. The death of a close family member rates 63 points and the death of a close friend is 37 points.

Death interrupts life, not only for the deceased, but for the survivors as well. The fact that death usually has a formal closure, however, greatly assists the survivors in the grieving Session 5 29

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process. Closure comes in the form of a funeral followed by a burial ceremony along with a committal service. When the coffin is closed, lowered into the ground and the grave filled in, flowers are added to the mound as a reminder that life goes on. This is not true, however, for individuals whose spouse was killed and the body never recovered or returned.

J. W. Tucker, missionary in the old Belgian Congo (now Zaire), was killed by the “Simbas” (natives) and his body thrown into a crocodile-infested river. It has never been recovered. This is also true of the MIAs (missing in action) who never returned from wars in Vietnam, Korea, and similar conflicts.

1. Death of a spouse. As previously noted, researchers have concluded that the death of a spouse is the single life event that has the greatest impact on a survivor. The survivor must continue to live with the reality of the loss and dealing with the loss. The widowed survivor must carry on, leading the family through the processes of grieving. This requires accepting the finality of the event and working through the disbelief that pervades the senses. Awareness that the deceased person is gone is only the beginning of grieving.

Memories live on and must be processed. These memories generate daydreams and night dreams that perpetuate the awareness of the loss.

Fred Cutter, who has specialized in helping individuals complete their grief work, has observed: “The relationship continues even as it gradually fades from real to remembered; from daily to occasional; from specific act to general attitude. This process takes time and is not pathological.”2 2. Death of a parent. For the young, there is nothing like the death of a parent who has been snatched away in early or midlife. Resentment surfaces in the wake of what seems to be abandonment. Frequently, the child’s anger is directed toward God for not intervening and stopping death from coming to the home. Gladys Kooiman, who was left a young widow with eight children after only 15 years of marriage, observed: Probably the greatest antidote to dissolving the bewilderment and hurt at the loss of a father is loving patience and understanding. A sharp rebuke at David’s outburst against God at this moment would have solved nothing except to drive his anger beneath the surface...

Teen-age daughters need help and understanding too.

Remorse filled my heart as the words, ‘Mom, we lost Daddy too!’ sliced through my warped, selfish consciousness one morning, many weeks after Marvin’s death”.3 3. Death of a child. The death of a child rivals the death of a spouse in the pain it inflicts on a family. Statistics indicate that about three percent of all deaths annually are infants 30 Session 5

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who haven’t reached their first birthday. Each family grieves differently and each of the parents will have his/her own unique way of dealing with the loss of the child. After the public closure ceremonies, Cutter suggests: Start with the clothes, toys, and personal effects. Go into the child’s room or space where these are kept. Memories will be evoked, sorrow and tears will ensue. These are not bad. They are to be expected, even welcomed as signs of struggle leading to more growth. Many survivors will feel nothing. This is also acceptable and they will find it easier to follow these suggestions.

By deliberately sorting each item—some for removal, some for gifts, others for saving, the survivor goes through a personal separation process—in privacy, at his own pace, and in a manner unique to the lost relationship. Some items should have been thrown out long before. Others are sentimentally endowed and stir poignant, even happy recollections. Save them. Others can be special gifts to special people. Convey to them with the appropriate sentiment. It is a way of memorializing the dead child in the hearts of those who survived and loved him. Many items will stir mixed emotions and indecision. Save these for another day. Go back as often as there is a need and until the tears stop. For those who felt little at first, continue until some emotion occurs. Some survivors need more opportunities to grieve.4 4. Death of an adolescent. The majority of deaths of adolescents are not from natural causes. More frequently, they are the result of accident, suicide, or homicide. These deaths are unpredictable and come as a double shock to the parents.

Frequently, these deaths are the result of careless, provocative, or risk-taking behaviors called “subintentioned deaths” in Session 3.

This increases the pain of the parents who regret that a young life has been snatched away. It is impossible to pinpoint a single cause, or identify who was responsible in these deaths.

In helping parents whose teen-ager was the victim of an accidental or untimely death, it is wise to keep time in perspective.

Recognize that immediate reactions to this kind of loss are usually mixed and irrational. The feelings of the parents will tend toward exaggeration. These emotions should peak as the weeks transpire. If the irrationality emerges later, as in delayed grief, professional care may be warranted.

5. Death in young adulthood. Death in young adulthood is more frequent among men than women and is usually the result of violence—suicide, homicide, or military combat. In fact, the suicide rate is highest among adolescent males.

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Grief, then, is laced with anger and hatred. There is no acceptable way for the survivors to seek revenge. The death of a young victim, cut down in the prime of life, impales the survivor on the horns of a dilemma—seek revenge or stop living. This is where the Christian has the edge—take the problem to the Lord and leave it there. Those who would question, “Where is God?” at this time are headed in the wrong direction in finding healing for their loss.

6. Death in middle adulthood. More men than women die in middle adulthood. This is when they are in the prime of life with maximum responsibilities. Usually there are young children in the picture, as well as debts and unfulfilled promises.

Many of the deceased will be leaving an aging parent because they are members of the sandwich generation—children on one hand and aging parents on the other.

The survivors are faced first with shock, followed by numbness. What to tell children is an immediate concern. The secret here is to have defined a philosophy of death early in the relationship and make it a part of the family mission statement that is reviewed frequently. The children should be told how the surviving parent feels; this will help them process their own bewildered feelings.

7. Death in older adulthood. If there is such a thing as “normal death” it is expected to occur during the older adult years.

When death comes slowly through illness, as in the majority of cases, the survivors can be helped in accepting the dying process if they have a concept of normal death that occurs to everyone. It is more difficult to accept the death of the elderly when there is not a prolonged illness because there has not been sufficient time to anticipate the death and engage in preparatory grief. We must remember that suicide is the major cause of death for men 65 years of age and older.

Give an example of such death(s) and its impact on stress.

S

piritual-Awareness Throughout this series we have emphasized that “it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment” (Hebrews 9:27). God keeps His promise never to leave us nor forsake us, not even in the time of death. Let’s see how the Bible confirms this truth.

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✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Genesis 28:15; Joshua 1:5; Hebrews 13:5

❏ Deuteronomy 33:2; 34:5-7

❏ 2 Samuel 12:15-23

❏ Psalm 46:1,2

❏ Isaiah 6:1-8

❏ Isaiah 41:10

❏ Matthew 26:36-40

❏ John 11:35, 41-45

❏ John 14:1-3

❏ Romans 8:38,39

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A

pplication

Before we can minister to those who have suffered loss by death, we must prepare ourselves for this specialized ministry. Authenticity is essential. We dare not play charades or project false images or unrealistic hopes to the newly bereaved person. Consider some of these tangible things we can do to prepare ourselves to be God’s hand extended to the ones in grief. Kubler-Ross makes these suggestions to those who desire to have a therapeutic effect on both the dying and the survivors.5 1. Make it a habit to think about death and dying occasionally. It is important to have a workable theology of death and eternal life before trying to help someone who is confronting death in the family. We need to restore balance to ourselves in at least three dimensions: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. a. Physically. We need to take care of ourselves physically so that we will have the stamina required to “bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2) in recovering from the impact of death. We also need to encourage the survivors to take the necessary precautions to be strong through the bereavement period. This includes regular exercise (at least a half hour session of aerobic exercises three or four times a week). Balanced and nutritious meals are needed three times a day and from eight to nine hours of sleep each 24 hours are essential. b. Emotionally. Issues of shame, guilt, fear, anger, and grief need to be addressed. The only natural fears we face are the fear of falling and the fear of sudden loud noises. All other fears are learned. So, we should become aware of the fears and emotions that cloud our thoughts and work to eliminate them.

Kubler-Ross has noted that grief is a natural emotion and its “natural expression is tears... People who are not allowed to express natural grief as children have problems for the rest of their lives because life consists of thousands of “little deaths.”6 Repressed grief is a contributing factor to many problems of survivors and those who try to minister to them.

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“Guilt can be overcome only by sharing it with a group of accepting, unconditionally loving people,” Kubler-Ross has observed.7 Guilt must be shared from the heart not the head. Freedom to shed tears must be granted to the survivors as they process their grieving and learn how to forgive both self and others, including God. Studies indicate that there are toxins in the body that are released only through the tear ducts, so crying while grieving is marvelously therapeutic.

Anger is also a part of the unfinished business of life.

Kubler-Ross noted, “Anger that is not expressed builds up until the individual explodes, and the explosion certainly lasts longer than 15 seconds. Repressed anger is the biggest killer of our society in terms of angry individuals’ health and in terms of tragedy. It results in revenge”.8 c. Spiritually. We are using the broad definition of “spiritual,” and are speaking of the dimension of the person that goes beyond the instinctiveness of an animal to being alive as a human being, created in the image of God as a living, breathing soul (Genesis 2:7). The spiritual self develops during adolescence if the person lives in harmony with his/her created potential. Reaching out to touch the soul of a grieving person is a healing experience both for the survivor and the helper.

2. Be open not only to the dying, but to the survivors as well.

Physicians can hide behind their masks, medical jargon, impersonality, and hospital routines to protect themselves from both emotional and physical contact with the dying person and his/her loved ones. Ministers have been known to hide behind their rituals, special language of religious terms, and the busyness of their schedules.9 Christians who wish to minister to those who have suffered loss by death need to present themselves as authentic, caring individuals who have resolved the issues of dying so they can live in the here and now honestly with an eternal perspective. This requires coming to grips with one’s own mortality so as to be confident of the path to immortality.

In your own words, give examples of these suggestions.

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The Change Scale*

Life Event

Mean Value

Death of spouse Divorce Marital separation Jail term Death of close family member Personal injury or illness Marriage Fired at work Marital reconciliation Retirement Change in health of family member Pregnancy Sex difficulties Gain of new family member Business readjustment Change in financial state Death of close friend Change to different line of work Change in number of arguments with spouse Mortgage over $10,000 Foreclosure of mortgage or loan Change in responsibilities at work Son or daughter leaving home Trouble with in-laws Outstanding personal achievement Wife begins or stops work Begin or end school Change in living conditions Revision of personal habits Trouble with boss Change in work hours or conditions Change in residence Change in schools Change in recreation Change in church activities Change in social activities Mortgage or loan less than $10,000 Change in sleeping habits Change in number of family get-togethers Change in eating habits Vacation Christmas Minor violations of the law

100 73 65 63 63 53 50 47 45 45 44 40 39 39 39 38 37 36 35 31 30 29 29 29 28 26 26 25 24 23 20 20 20 19 19 18 17 16 15 15 13 12 11

*Reprinted by permission of the publisher from Journal of Psychosomatic Research, Vol. 11, pp 213-218. Copyright 1967 by Elsevier Science, Inc.

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the “Little 6 Facing Deaths” of Life

Personal Preparation: Getting Ready for Session Six

Session

M

eet With God

Personal Notes

Schedule 30 minutes a day for personal devotions to pray, read the Bible, praise the Lord, and meditate on His Word.

Read Genesis 2:18-25 and I Corinthians 7:10-17.

Name life events other than death that you have experienced that brought grief to you.

How did this/these loss(es) impact your life?

S

elf-Awareness Physical death is not the only loss in life with which we must learn to cope. Other losses bring intense pain as well. Some are sudden; others are gradual. Either way, they demand our attention and bring pain into our lives. H. Norman Wright has described the “little deaths” this way: Any event that destroys a person’s understanding of the meaning of life is a loss.... For the most part death is the only loss recognized as something to grieve. But other losses that we rarely acknowledge....could have more of a limiting impact than losing someone in death, [for] when a loved one dies there is closure.1 Let’s look at some of the “little deaths” of life.

1. Divorce. The Holmes-Rahe scale we discussed last session gives divorce 73 points, second only to the death of a spouse in trauma. A marital separation gets 63 points. If both separation and divorce occur in the same 12-month period, the points would total 136. This nears the danger level of 150 for good mental health. Add to this 38 points for change in financial state, 25 points for change in living conditions, 24 points for revision of personal habits, and 20 points for change in residence and the numbers accumulate to 243 which is in the range of a 50% chance of an illness or accident to occur within the next two years.

Next to the death of a spouse, divorce brings the most intense pain in a person’s life. The problem with trying to mourn a loss when death is not involved is that there are no formal rituals or ceremonies to acknowledge the finality of Session 6 37

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the loss and to minister to the mourners. In this regard Nina Donnelly has observed: Trying to mourn loss when death is not involved is a lonely hell, with vague beginnings and endings defined more often by the intan gible dimensions of loss and found hope than by the perimeters of the crisis itself.2 Divorce is complex and multifaceted. a. Emotional divorce starts when a couple begins withholding affection from each other. b. Legal divorce begins when lawyers are retained and petitions are filed. Although the spouses feel out of control and bewildered, there remains the possibility of a reconciliation. c. Economic divorce is when there is an alteration of family lifestyle brought about by dealing with the financial settlement, alimony and child support. d. Co-parental divorce is the state of the parents being divorced from each other but not from their children.

This is when issues of guilt, custody, visitation and family “rights” must be settled. e. Community divorce comes when the children’s status at school and church is summarily changed because of the divorce of their parents. f. Psychological divorce is when each parent becomes autonomous. This is the most difficult, scary and lonely period of the divorce process.3 2. Neonatal losses. Neonatal losses fall into four categories: a. Infertility, also called “involuntary childlessness,” includes couples who are unable to conceive and accounts for about 15% of couples in their child-bearing years. These couples go through all of the stages of grief couples who bury a child go through except for a corpse and a funeral. b. Ectopic pregnancies occur when a fertilized egg implants itself outside the uterus, usually in the fallopian tube of the mother. One in 100 conceptions results in a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy, ending in a miscarriage. c. Miscarriage occurs when there is a spontaneous abortion any time from conception to almost full term. About 20% of all conceptions end in a miscarriage. d. A child is stillborn when he/she is carried to term (or near term) but dies just before the birth or at birth.

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Statistics indicate that one baby in every 80 live births is stillborn.4 Sherry Romberg Martens described the loss of her second and third babies who were stillborn (Meredith Lynn Martens, 2-12-93, and Michaella Lynn Martens, 4-2-92) this way: I STOOD, I STAND

Nearly a decade ago, I stood in a cemetery at the foot of two baby girls’ headstones. Though they were strangers, I felt a deep sad ness. I wondered how the parents must have felt. My eyes welled up with tears, for the mere thought of a baby dying just breaks my heart. I gaze upon their names; both stones read “Our Little Angel.” I felt a kick from my belly, as the baby within me reminded me she was well. Soon I would have a baby in my arms. I won dered how come babies die? For a split second, I thought, “Will my baby die? Surely not! That was the 30s; this is the 90s. Health care is so advanced. These babies would not have died if they were born today, someone would have saved them.” I wiped my tears from my eyes and moved on. I knew things were different now. I wanted not to think of such sadness any longer.

Years have passed; now I stand, I stand at the foot of two head stones for two baby girls that have died. Oh how sad I feel. I won der, “Why did they die? Why did no one save them? This is the 90s; surely health care is so advanced that someone could have saved them. What went wrong?” The tears well up in my eyes and they flow; they flow like a fast moving river. My heart begins to ache like it never did before. You see, I am in a cemetery, standing at the foot of two headstones for two baby girls that have died, but they are not strangers. This time I know them; I know them unlike anyone else. These babies are mine. I know how it feels. I wipe my tears from my eyes, but still I feel sadness. Still I stand.5 3. Post-abortion distress. Since the Roe vs. Wade decision was made by the U. S. Supreme Court, the incidence of voluntary abortions has skyrocketed. The majority of Evangelical Christians view abortion as a form of murder. Statistics reveal that 56% of the mothers who have had an abortion have second thoughts that come in the form of shame, guilt and fear which strike at the heart of their self-esteem. A recent fiveyear study revealed that 25% of these sought psychiatric care.6 In many ways, these girls and women display the symptoms of the Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome which plagued so many of the military personnel returning from Vietnam.

4. Job loss. In these days of industrial downsizing, as many as 3.5 million workers are laid-off or fired each year. Loss of a job merits 47 points on the Holmes-Rahe scale, business readjustment, 39; change in financial status, 38; changing to a new line of work, 36; change in responsibilities at work, 29; wife begins or stops work, 26; trouble with boss, 23; and change in work hours or conditions, 20 points. These add up quickly to become potentially traumatic.

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Leslie Parrot has observed, “The most common and debilitating psychological effect of job loss is self-blame.”7 Grace Keaton lost her job after 15 years with the same publishing company. She described her reactions this way: It was the worst blow I ever had. I’ve been divorced. My father died a few months before I got fired. Both constitutionally and by event I’ve been through a lot of emotional upheaval in my life and I’ve never been through anything like getting fired. For a while I was persuaded that I must be not only as bad as the company must have thought I was to fire me, but much worse than that. Probably the world’s worst. Probably I did not deserve to live. It doesn’t simply take away your self-confidence. It destroys you.

Utterly.8 5. Moving. For children, moving is probably the most traumatic event in their young lives. They are forced to give up their home, church, school, neighborhood, friends, some possessions, and possibly a pet. Even though moving may be essential to the employment of their parents, it is not uncommon for children to go into depression or show symptoms of separation anxiety. The Holmes-Rahe scale gives change in residence 20 points, but for a child, this is an underestimate.

During the packing, moving, and unpacking times, they need an extra amount of TLC (tender loving care). Fortunately, with time and guidance, they will recover.

6. Natural disasters. Floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, and other natural disasters are accompanied by traumas of varying degrees of pain and loss which demand grieving. Whether it is loss of life or loss of home and possessions, the loss must be acknowledged and grieved.

7. Loss of innocence. When children are subjected to sexual molestation, they suffer the loss of innocence. They are thrust prematurely into the world of adult sexuality long before they are physically or emotionally ready for the transition. This is why not only the Bible, but most cultures of the world have an incest taboo. This applies to any sexual activity with either girls or boys who are minors. Rape falls into this category as well because the loss of virginity is a violent blow to the victim’s self-esteem, male or female. Rape and incest are traumatic at any age and need to be grieved.

This list is far from exhaustive. For a more exhaustive discussion, see Fred Cutter’s Coming to Terms with Death. He has given suggestions for people facing each of the 43 losses included in the Holmes-Rahe “Social Readjustment Rating Scale”.9 Give an example of one of the “little deaths.”

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piritual-Awareness God has promised never to leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). Further, “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and for ever” (Hebrews 13:8). As you read the following verses, consider the variety of losses or “little deaths” with which the Lord has promised to be with us.

Summarize in 25 words or less what the following verses say to you. ✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Genesis 2:24,25

❏ Genesis 12:1

❏ Genesis 15:2-5; 21:1-8; 1 Samuel 1:1-28; Luke 1:5-25, 57-66

❏ Genesis 42:24; 43:30,32; 45:1-15

❏ Psalm 32:1-5

❏ Psalm 139:13-15

❏ Isaiah 26:3-4

❏ Isaiah 53:3

❏ Malachi 2:13-16

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✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Matthew 5:4

❏ Matthew 28:20; Hebrews 13:5

❏ Colossians 3:22-25

❏ I Thessalonians 1:3

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pplication

Before we engage in trying to minister to those who are suffering from significant losses in life, we need to examine our own experiences with the losses in our own life. H. Norman Wright suggests several questions that will help us respond to the losses of others.10 1. Reflect on one of the earliest significant losses in your life. This reflection will arouse such secondary questions as, When did it happen? How old were you? Where was it? Who were the people involved? What actually happened? Coming to grips with our past losses can give us empathy to deal with the bereaved and arouse the compassion that every loss deserves.

2. What were your feelings at the time? It is helpful to tap into the emotions of the past and deal with them on the conscious level. To do this, three steps are involved: a) feel the feeling, b) name the feeling, and then you can c) channel the feeling appropriately. This can only be done when we allow ourselves to feel the feelings of the past and identify exactly which emotion is involved. For instance, fear and anger feel so much alike that we need to take time to feel the feeling until we are absorbed with it. Only then can we take charge of our emotions and respond appropriately.

3. What were your reactions to the loss? Which were positive?

Which were negative? To do this, close your eyes. Allow yourself to feel the feeling until your toes tingle. Then distinguish between the positive and the negative reactions you remember. To profit from the experience, rewrite the scenario (in your mind)so that it will become more positive than negative.

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When you have done this, you will be able to lean toward the positive when faced with similar situations in the future. You will also be able to help those in grief deal more positively with their circumstances.

4. Did anyone give you suggestions or advice on how to handle the loss? Examine what assistance was given to you in dealing with this early crisis in your life. Draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper. Write “Positive” on the left and “Negative” on the right. List the suggestions that were given to you in the appropriate column.

5. What did you learn about loss as a result of your early experi ences? Can you remember any statements that have stayed with you through the years? Taking the list you have prepared, concentrate on the suggestions that helped you at the time. See what can be learned from this review that will help you be more sensitive when helping someone who is experiencing a loss.

6. What did you learn in the past that may be hindering the way you cope with loss today? Continuing to use the chart you have started, see if you can reframe some of the negative suggestions into positive ones. This self-examination will equip you to help someone when he/she is struggling with a primary loss (death) as well as the secondary losses (“little deaths”)of life. It will help you turn your negatives into positives.

7. What did you learn about loss at an early age that helps you today? As you examine your early experiences with loss, ask the Lord to help you profit from your own experiences.

Then, examine other significant losses you have sustained through the years. See what you can learn from your experiences to be a helping person to others who are dealing with a current loss.

Write a prayer thanking God that He has promised to be with us and help us deal with each of the “little deaths” of life.

Ask Him to recall to your mind when He has been there for you just when you needed Him. Then rejoice in God’s faithfulness and goodness.

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7 The Language of Loss

Session

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Personal Preparation: Getting Ready for Session Seven

Personal Notes

eet With God

Schedule at least 30 minutes each day to be alone with God. In your devotions, pray, praise, read the Bible, and meditate on what the scriptures are saying to you. Read Luke 8:40-56 and Romans 5:12-17.

When did you experience your deepest loss?

Briefly describe the circumstances.

How long did you remain in grief?

How did you know you had completed your grief work?

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elf-Awareness Life is filled with a series of deaths and “little deaths.” Grief is usually a reaction to a traumatic event. In making this observation, Lawrenz & Green defined trauma as “the experience of something shocking happening to someone (physically or psychologically)that produces some kind of inner injury and affects the person’s ability to function in normal ways.”1 They further observed: “Not all grief is the result of trauma [but] trauma will ordinarily result in grief.”2 Several words are used to describe confronting and dealing with traumas which cause the primary and secondary losses of life.3 Bereavement is an umbrella word under which the other terms for the grief process may be subsumed. To be bereaved is to be deprived forcefully of a cherished object, such as the death of a relative or friend. The inference is that the bereaved person has been made desolate by a violent disruption of a relationship.

Grief is natural and the expected reaction to a loss, according to Lawrenz and Green.4 It is an emotional attitude, actually a

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complex of emotions, used to describe deep mental suffering. Grief is the strongest word used in the vocabulary of death and refers specifically to the initial, acute stages of the bereavement process. Larsen5 and Westberg6 make it clear, however, that grief is a healthy experience that affects the survivor cognitively as well as emotionally as he/she works through life’s significant losses. Grief has many faces: a. Normal grief may resemble depression, but is basically different from that pathological state. Normal grief involves sadness but is free from the guilt and shame that accompany depression. Although normal grief leads to a temporary withdrawal from life to allow for a preoccupation with the lost person or object, it is shortterm and seldom leads to serious or long-term behavioral or psychological upheavals. b. Delayed grief involves repression of grief reactions for a few hours, weeks, months, or even years. The grieving person who delays facing the reality of a loss appears to act normally but will speak of numbness and the inability to feel. Insomnia, anorexia, restlessness and outbursts of irritability with displays of anger are common. c. Chronic grief is used to note reactions in which the bereaved person prolongs grief reactions for years, along with the guilt and self-blame that complicate bereavement. d. Inhibited grief displays itself in lowering of responses to normal grief with the substitution of other behaviors that tend to mask the process of grieving. This is seen when grief is denied; the person disowns pain and proceeds with a “business–as–usual attitude.” 7 e. In a psychotic reaction to grief the person becomes incapable of coping with the death or loss and requires medical intervention, usually accompanied by hospitalization. f. Enshrinement occurs when the survivor leaves the room and possessions of the deceased person untouched long after death has occurred. Larsen said of this phenomenon, “The creation of a ‘shrine’ becomes symbolic of the survivor’s inability to let go of the loved one.”8 Grieving is the process of expressing grief. It involves weeping, crying, and wailing in response to a loss. It is used specifically to denote sorrow that is endured alone and in silence, but is revealed by such non-verbal behaviors as one’s affect, posture, and demeanor.

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Mourning applies to a period of grief that follows the loss of an important person through death or separation. It is also used to describe one’s reaction to the loss of a body part through amputation or loss of body functions due to a hysterectomy or vasectomy. Mourning allows the grieving person to disengage psychologically from the lost object. This involves reviewing past experiences and the emotional significance of a relationship that can never be restored. It includes expressions of sorrow and lamentation. Mourning is also used to describe the conventional displays of sorrow over a person’s death, such as wearing black, wearing an arm band, or displaying flags at half-mast.

Sorrow is one of the two polarities of emotional life, its opposite being joy. Many researchers who study human emotions do not classify sorrow as a single emotion. Rather, they view it as a group of emotions experienced in situations where distress is caused by loss of affiliation and disappointment. It includes being grief-stricken along with sadness and regret. Sorrow is the most general term used to describe grief.

Misery is used to describe acute or unremitting pain from a major loss. It focuses on the wretchedness of body and soul that is sufficient to crush the human spirit.

Yearning refers to deep longing, especially when accompanied by tenderness or sadness. It usually lasts from one to six weeks and resolves into a healthy “minimal yearning” after six months. If grief is delayed or recovery prolonged, yearning is used to describe the lingering, residual effect on the bereaved person. This intense yearning is seen in psychosomatic symptoms and gastrointestinal distress. In between attacks of yearning the person becomes apathetic, displaying a sense of futility and some of the more complicated signs of depression. Yearning is used most frequently to describe the condition of one who has just been widowed or lost a child.

Can you relate to one or more of these ways of confronting and dealing with traumas? Describe.

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piritual-Awareness Dr. Billie Davis has observed in her ministry that …some people feel that the expression of grief is a weakness, or a lack of Christian faith. Modern psychologists (both non-Christian and Christian) tell us the expression of grief in a natural way is healthy and ought to be encouraged. It is, in fact, a kind of task to be worked through.9 Let’s look at some of the Scriptures that reveal how God perceives our losses and responds to us when we are in various stages of bereavement.

As you read the following scriptures, consider what the Lord is trying to tell you about the losses of life. In 25 words or less summarize your findings.

✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Psalm 22:1-21; Matthew 27:35-50

❏ Isaiah 53:1-12

❏ Isaiah 54:1-8

❏ Isaiah 61:1,2

❏ Jeremiah 31:15; Matthew 2:18

❏ Lamentations 3:18-23

❏ Romans 8:28,38,39

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✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Philippians 4:4-8

❏ I Thessalonians 4:13-18

❏ Hebrews 2:18; 4:14-16

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pplication

Many writers have attempted to list specific stages in the grief process.10 English social worker, Lily Pincus, said: “There are no time tables for what have been called phases of mourning, nor are there distinct lines of demarcation for the various symptoms of grief which find expression during these phases.”11 Weisman12 noted that the same stages Kubler-Ross13 identified in her studies of death and dying are found in those who have just lost their job or are reeling from the effects of a divorce and other “living deaths.” Specifically, Weisman said,“We are always dealing with evolving processes, which means that for every problem, there is a predominant coping strategy, which sometimes works, and at other times, fails.”14 The following ten stages of grief are adapted from Westberg15 and Shipley, who observed: As with the stages of dying, everyone goes through some or all of the grief stages. The process can be long and agonizing. If grief is unresolved, it will have a lasting effect on the bereaved and eventually will result in the development of emotional problems. By understanding the stages of grief, one can help the bereaved move through the various stages with minimal physical and mental harm.16

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1. Shock and denial combine to form the initial stage of grief. It is a numbing experience that delays full comprehension of the intensity of the loss. As realization of the magnitude of the loss is acknowledged, emotional release is normal.

2. Emotional release comes as shock subsides and denial fades. The survivor begins to express grief feelings openly. At this stage, it is appropriate to encourage the survivor to express genuine feelings in keeping with the magnitude of the loss. The bereaved should be encouraged to realize this spontaneous emotional release is natural and normal.

3. Depression, with the accompanying loneliness and feelings of isola tion, follows the emotional release. The survivor needs to experience genuine demonstrations of empathy, sympathy, and comfort. Such expressions are essential for healing to begin.

4. Psychosomatic symptoms signal the emergence of this most danger ous stage of recovery. Wilson described it as “persistent physical symptoms, angry withdrawal, intense loneliness, obsession over the lost one, and lingering depression”.17 It is essential that these symptoms not go unattended. Wilson continued, “If after a year to 18 months following loss, grief continues to interfere with one’s overall function, professional help is indicated”.18 It is important for people helpers to understand the grief process so they can help the bereaved person through this critical stage without excessive distress.

5. Panic hits grieving individuals when they feel they cannot focus on anything but the loss. When they realize that panic is natural and normal in the wake of the loss of a loved one, they can confront the panic and move on to the next stage in grieving.

6. Guilt emerges when the survivor feels responsible for the loss. This is probably the hardest stage to navigate. In order to move on, the bereaved person must unburden himself/herself of the guilt of having caused the death or of having survived the event. Christian support at this time is essential. Shipley observed that a relative, good friend or clergyman who is a good listener can be of inestimable value at this stage.19 7. Hostility, with its accompanying anger and frustration, is a nor mal reaction in the grief process. Those who would minister to a bereaved person need to realize it is normal for hostility to be displayed as grieving progresses. Bereaved individuals need support; they need friends, not enemies in this stage.

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8. Resistance. Overcoming grief takes several months, sometimes years to complete. The more severe the loss suffered, the longer the recovery period. As Westberg noted: We....find, when we attempt to get back into life again, it is much too painful. We would rather grieve than fight the battle of coping with new situations....Our modern way of life makes it so difficult for us to grieve about a loss in the presence of other people. We are forced to carry all the grief within ourselves.20 The time factor is greatly influenced by the quality and timeliness of the support given by family and friends.

9. Hope represents an attempt to return to normal activities.

Survivors are not always able to do this, however, because of some of the ways our culture interprets grief. Shipley observed: The formal patterns of grief such as funerals, wakes, and the wearing of veils, arm bands, or black clothing to indicate mourning, have become obsolete for many. [Too frequently] people offer sympathy at the funeral and then leave the bereaved to carry his/her grief alone.

Friends and relatives should offer support throughout the months immediately following the loss of a loved one.This is particularly true on the anniversary of the loss.21 10. Recovery marks the time when the bereaved person is again orient ed to time, place, and person and ready to re-enter the main stream of life. He/She adjusts to the real world and becomes an active member of the community. Hopefully, such individuals will have learned lessons in facing grief that will fortify them to confront additional deaths and “little deaths.�

In your own words describe your experience with the ten steps of grief. Have you seen another person close to you experience these stages? Describe.

Write a prayer thanking God for allowing you to know and understand the stages of grief so the next time you face a major loss, you will be able to face it realistically. Ask Him to make you sensitive to the needs of others who are experiencing loss and may be stuck in one of the stages of grief too long.

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Language of 8 The Recovery

Personal Preparation: Getting Ready for Session Eight

Session

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eet With God

Personal Notes

Select a time and place where you can spend at least 30 minutes with the Lord in Bible reading, prayer, praise, and meditation. Read Psalm 103:1-22 and Romans 12:1-21.

What were your reactions to studying The Language of Loss in the last session?

Describe briefly the recovery of someone who lost a significant person in his/her life.

Describe briefly the recovery of someone (you or someone else) from a major loss that did not involve a physical death.

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elf-Awareness Recovery from death and/or the “little deaths� of life is a significant accomplishment. It requires exploring the dimensions of bereavement with an openness that invites the Holy Spirit to teach you truths that can be discovered in no other way. As a result, you draw closer to the Lord and become a more capable person. You also become better equipped to minister to others who are facing major challenges in their own life.

The last three steps in the grief process in the previous lesson mark the end of grief work: resistance, hope, and recovery.

Each of these has two phases.

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1. Resistance to completing the grief work evolves near the end of the process. As we noted in the previous session, “Overcoming grief takes several months, sometimes years, to complete. The more severe the loss suffered, the longer the recovery period.... The time factor is greatly influenced by the quality and timeliness of the support given by family and friends.”

Working through this resistance involves two tasks: acceptance and forgiveness. a. Acceptance, either by death or another violent disruption in relationships, is the result of intensive grief work. It involves recovering from the shock of the loss and overcoming the denial that is so debilitating. Anger, with its frustration and fear, must be confronted and channeled appropriately. The mental negotiations involved in bargaining must be completed and depression dealt with appropriately. Only then can one accept the loss and submit it to the sovereignty of God. Acceptance brings us to the point of replacing the “Why” question with the “What” question: “Lord, what do you want me to learn from this loss in my life?” He will then be able to reveal to us what we need to do to move on to recovery. b. Forgiveness is one of the most difficult tasks to be accom plished in working through grief. As we take our hurts and disappointments to the Lord, He will lead us into the freedom of forgiveness. Sometimes it will be another person we need to forgive: the deceased for dying and leaving us, the medical personnel for not saving the life of the deceased, or someone whom we think may have contributed to the terminal experience. Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves for whatever is haunting us.

There may be times also when we realize that we have blamed God for failure to intervene with the healing we expected.

Forgiveness is never easy. As long as we fail to release the lost person or object to the sovereignty of God, we are bound to them and are haunted by their memory.

We are prisoners of whom or what we fail to forgive.

Forgiveness allows us to be released from the hold another person, living or dead, has on us.

2. Hope, as we noted in the last session,“represents an attempt to return to normal activities....” Hope is energy that motivates us to let go of the hurts of past losses and to move on to complete recovery. Hope returns in little insights that grow to encompass our philosophy of life. Hope involves both faith and confidence. a. Faith in the faithfulness of God is part of the hope we have in Christ. By faith we lay hold on the promises of God. We act on what His Word says and what the Holy Spirit reveals to us. This allows us to alter our perception of 52 Session 8

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His will for our lives and to have the attitudes of Christ as we rebuild the future. b. Confidence comes as we consistently expand our hope by exer cising faith in God and His promises. As our confidence in Him matures, we have the strength to reach out confidently and do things we have not done since we were overcome by grief. Self-confidence returns as we rely less and less on the interventions of others. At long last we are free.

3. Recovery marks the time when the bereaved person is again orient ed to time, place, and person and ready to re-enter the mainstream of life. He/she adjusts to the real world and becomes an active member of the community.” This is the time we lay aside the trappings of grief with which we have enfolded ourselves and confront the challenges of life-after-loss. Recovery brings growth and a new life-style. In “A Mother Mourns and Grows” Edith Mize noted: Grief cannot be hurried, but eventually an emotional balance returns to the grieving person. You cannot bring back the one you love, but you have to face reality. A change has occurred in my life, and my life must now have more meaning.1 a. Growth is inherent in the nature of mankind. In the creative sequences of Genesis 1, God made each of the elements of the universe with the capacity to grow. God has made us not only with the capacity to grow, but with the will to make developmental changes. This is seen nowhere more clearly than in the process of moving through the stages of grief, coming out on the other side a wiser and more complete person (See pages 49, 50 and 57). b. A new life-style emerges when the bereaved person has com pleted the grief work and reassessed the lessons that have been learned. No one endures the death of a significant other (relative or friend)and is ever the same as before the traumatic experience. This is also true of all of the “little deaths” we have discussed: divorce, infertility and miscarriage, abortion, job loss, moving, natural disasters, sexual abuse, and many others we did not enumerate. Recovery is sure. The degree of wholeness and happiness one enjoys is a function of taking each of the steps in the recovery process in the right order and at the right time. Throughout, there must be the resolution of the unique problems incumbent in each phase of the grieving process. ➜ AS

FOR THE UNCERTAINTY OF THE DECEASED PERSON’S RELATIONSHIP

GOD—WE MUST LEAVE IT TO GOD TO DETERMINE HIS OR HER WE MUST TRUST THE SOVEREIGNTY AND CHARACTER OF GOD AND BE CONCERNED WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. “SHALL NOT THE JUDGE OF ALL THE EARTH DO RIGHT” (GENESIS 18:25)?

WITH

FUTURE DESTINY.

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piritual-Awareness Look up each of the following scriptures.

In 25 words or less, write what you believe the Lord is saying to you about recovering from grief and being free in Christ Jesus.

✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Psalm 22:22-31; Matthew 28:1-10,16-20

❏ Psalm 39:12,13

❏ Mark 14:35,36

❏ Romans 12:19-21

❏ 2 Corinthians 2:10,11

❏ Ephesians 4:31,32

❏ Philippians 2:5

❏ Philippians 3:13,14

❏ 2 Timothy 1:12b

❏ Hebrews 12:1,2 54 Session 8

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pplication In order to recover from death or a deep loss, the grieving person must complete all ten stages of grief. Stopping short of recovery leaves the individual in prolonged or chronic grief. As we have noted elsewhere, “We do not have a choice as to when we will die or how, but we do have control over how we will face death and where we will spend eternity”.2 Having traversed the deep waters of grief-after-loss, we are in a unique position to help others who are still plodding their way through the grieving process. Here are some things to remember: 1. Regression is a normal reaction in the early stages of grief. This is seen in the child who reverts to bed-wetting and soiling after the birth of a new brother or sister. It is also seen in the adult who tantrums and pouts. This is a bewildering and painful phase for the grieving who feel frightened and ashamed of their immature or irrational behaviors while society expects them to be brave and act in a dignified manner. The person in regression needs to be met with sympathy, love, and acceptance. This will help him/her feel more secure and motivated to move on through the grief process. Otherwise, there is a danger of him/her getting stuck in regression, thus delaying the grief work.

One widow was heard to say on the tenth anniversary of her husband’s death, “Sometimes I get so mad at him for dying and leaving me with all this responsibility that I would like to dig him up and shoot him!” Pincus quoted some of her clients as saying, “‘I felt like I was going insane’; ‘I was terrified that things were beyond my control.’ The terror of these people is not just because they behave in a childish way, but because of the compulsion to do so.”3 2. Loss through death is different from other losses. The loss of the widow is different from the loss of the divorcee. The divorced person goes through the same stages of grief as the one whose spouse has died. The difference in the experience is the finality of the loss. The widow has a ceremonial closing through the funeral but the divorcee stands a good chance of seeing her former spouse with her best friend at the next checkstand in the supermarket. For her, there is no specific point of finality. Pincus said: I have heard separated people say, “It would be so much easier if he (she) were dead, then I could know where I am.” If she or he were dead, however, it would be much more difficult to acknowledge or express the hate and anger, the recrimination and self-justification which in divorce or separation can serve as a vent to let out the bad air.4 3. Ministering to those in grief. Following are some of the finer points in ministering to the grieving: a. Start where the bereaved person is. Remember that recovery takes time. Widowed individuals seem to surSession 8 55

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vive the first few months of bereavement almost as zombies. However, they report loneliness and depression become more acute six months to a year after the initial loss. It is only later that the full impact of the loss overwhelms them.5 Jackson compares loss by death to that of an amputation of a body part.

In my book Understanding Grief I wrote, Bereavement is an amputation of a part of the emotional structure of life and the use of tears may help to wash away the separation.... Much of the feeling of pain that comes with the onset of acute grief is the feeling of emotional amputation in the life of the bereaved person....

Coping with emotional crisis is basically the effort to reorganize one’s damaged self-image and bodyimage so as to begin to function in terms of reality rather than in terms of over identification that now has no foundation in reality.6 b. Clarify his/her expressed feelings. The bereaved person needs permission to mourn. If the grieving are denied the right to mourn their loss, they will eventually suffer psychological and physical symptoms from the lack of self-expression. After all, loss by death or divorce is more than an individual crisis; it also influences the community. Others deserve the right to grieve with the grieving person as well. They all need to adjust to life without the absent person around. Public mourning gives the bereaved a new status in the community and allows for mourner support from family and friends so he/she feels less isolated. c. Assist in decision-making. Miller and Jackson have observed: During the initial period of shock it may be very helpful to assist the person in making day-to-day decisions, which tend to seem difficult and overwhelming to some at the time. The individual should be discouraged from making major decisions or choices about the future during this initial period.7 d. Empathize, but don’t tell the grieving person you under stand. Expressions of sympathy should be sincere and practical. Cutter said, “Prevailing social expectations permit only stereotyped gestures in the presence of death.”8 A person may send a sympathy card, flowers or some other token acknowledging that a death has occurred, but these gestures do not convey the kind of message that invites a response from the bereaved person. These tokens can, however, be a means of opening 56 Session 8

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up communication with the bereaved. If not, “the survivors get the non-verbal message that talking about a recent loss is distressing to others.”9 e. Be sensitive to the feelings of the grieving person.

Miller & Jackson encourage allowing a catharsis (soul cleansing with tears) to occur: “If the person chooses to discuss the loved one who has been lost, it is often helpful to encourage him or her to talk about positive memories as well as painful ones.”10 Listen, but don’t say too much—or give false assurances. f. Provide the grieving with good models. They need to see Christians who have experienced grief and who demonstrate a strong faith, who have an understanding of what is involved in mourning, and who offer caring support.

Are you in a position to help someone and/or are you working through the grieving process yourself?

Describe.

If so, put into your own words the last three stages in recovering from grief (See pages 52 and 53).

Write a prayer thanking God for giving us the language of recovery that is based on biblical principles. Ask Him to continue to minister to you at whatever stage you think you are in grief-recovery. Thank the Lord for His truth and blessings. Acknowledge the work of grace that He is doing in your life as a result of this study of handling loss and grief.

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Learned 9 Lessons through Grief

Session

M

Personal Preparation: Getting Ready for Session Nine

Personal Notes

eet With God

In preparation for the final session in our series on Handling Loss and Grief, schedule at least 30 minutes each day to be with the Lord. Read your Bible, pray, praise the Lord, and meditate on His Word. Take time during the week to review each of the previous lessons so you will be prepared to answer any questions that have not been thoroughly discussed during the series.

What have you learned during this series of lessons that you think will be useful to you in the future?

What experience have you remembered that showed you that you have completed grieving over some significant loss in your life?

Do you know someone who is currently grieving?

What do you think the Lord would have you to do to help them?

S

elf-Awareness In this series we have examined many dimensions of loss and grief. Since nothing comes into the life of the believer without the presence of the Lord, there are lessons to be learned through each experience in life, both joyful and sorrowful.

Instead of asking “Why, Lord?” or “Why me, Lord?” we have discovered it is better to ask: “Lord, what do you want me to learn through this experience?”

Let’s examine the testimonies of those who have come face to face with death and worked through their grief—those who have come to the end of life with a significant other and survived.

1. Death of a spouse. Inez Spence’s husband, Tom, was in his mid-fifties when he dropped dead of a heart attack while playing a vigorous game of racquetball with their younger

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son. In retrospect she said, “The evening hours were the hardest to accept. Day turning into night and no one coming home to me. Like a ‘five o’clock shadow.’”1 She remembered the loneliness which was accompanied by the temptation to eat off of a TV tray to avoid sitting at the table for her meals and acknowledge the reality of the vacant chair across the table. She faced the avoidance tendency. “Carefully I set the table. At times a favorite piece of china seemed almost to smile at me in approval.”2 Sandra Aldrich lost her husband to cancer shortly before his 40th birthday. Seven years after Don’s death she wrote: No one moves from despair to emotional recovery in a straight line—no matter what level of grief we’re dealing with. Grief comes in waves. Just about the time we take a deep breath and say, ‘OK, I got through this,’ we get hit again.... But sooner or later, trying to remain married to a dead spouse doesn’t work.”3 The impact of instant widowhood sometimes takes a while to register. Gladys Kooiman’s husband died of cancer at a relatively early age. As part of her recovery she enrolled in a college course. Registration was a night never to be forgotten: There was one especially painful first — the first time I had to determine my new status. Two little boxes, single and married, presented themselves on a registration form that I was filling out for an evening college course.

Instinctively I started checking the box labeled married. Then my pencil paused in mid-air. Was I married? With no husband? I glanced at the only other alternative, and even as I did the diamonds from my wedding ring sparkled, reflecting light from the ceiling above. A wedding band—eight children at home.

If I wasn’t married, I certainly didn’t feel single! ....Finally in desperation I solved the problem by printing that most despicable five-letter word, widow (with all its stereotyped connotations), beneath the married box. That was the first time I even admitted to that much—widow .4 2. Death of a sibling. Trying to explain the death of a stillborn child to young siblings has its own unique challenges since they are too young to have wrestled with loss and grief. Judy Morrow shared her experience: They had been excited about a new baby joining our family....Our oldest son, Kyle, [had] one question, “Where’s the baby?”....He concluded, “I know, the baby’s in the little baby bed in the house.” When we pulled up in the driveway, he jumped out of the car and ran in the house and straight to the nursery. He Session 9 59

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came running out seconds later with a puzzled expression and demanded again, “Where’s the baby?” ....Patrick pulled both boys upon his lap and gently explained that the baby had died. At three, Travis did not totally comprehend Patrick’s words and seemed somewhat confused.... Kyle understood immediately and was terribly upset. He started crying and lamented again and again, “But I didn’t even get to see the baby”....Pain filled his voice and distorted his six-yearold face.5 In recalling the death of his sister who had been born with numerous abnormalities (blind, deaf, and hydrocephalic), Richard Exley concluded after months of painful agonizing: Sin, not God, is responsible for disease and death. That is not to say that Carolyn’s death was the result of her own personal sin, or even, God forbid, the sin of her parents; rather, it means that sin has stained the entire human race and that disease and death are inevitable consequences. Romans 5:12(KJV)declares: “Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men....”

In my counseling....I simplistically explain that we inhabit a planet which is in rebellion, that we are part of a race living outside of God’s will, and that one consequence of that rebellion is sickness and death.6

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piritual-Awareness

Look up each of the following scriptures.

In 25 words or less, write what you believe the Lord is saying to you about recovering to complete wholeness in Him after completing the grief process.

✓ Reference

Notes from the Reading

❏ Psalm 10:14; 68:5

❏ Isaiah 41:10

❏ Lamentations 3:32,33

❏ Luke 20:36

❏ John 16:16-20

❏ Philippians 3:20,21

❏ I Thessalonians 1:10

❏ I Thessalonians 4:13

❏ 2 Timothy 1:10

❏ I Peter 1:6-9 Session 9 61

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pplication The other side of death is the “little deaths,” those losses which are painful but different in nature from physical death because there is no funeral, terminal ceremony, or ritual to signal, “The End.” These losses follow the same path through grief, mourning, and bereavement as physical death and deserve the same permission to grieve.

1. Divorce. Recovering from a divorce is probably the most difficult of the “little deaths.” Studies indicate that it takes from two to three years to recover from the death of a spouse, but as many as four or five years to recover from a divorce.

Shipley has observed that “if one remarries and the grief process is not complete, the marriage may be occurring as a replacement for the deceased. Even if this is the case, the widowed person must be careful not to compare the new mate with the deceased.”7 To this Cutter added: ....the first rational impulses following a loss are the possibilities for replacement. The booby trap in premature action lies in the danger of error and disappointment. Any person chosen merely on the basis of replacement is thereby doomed to a substitute role.

An early remarriage implies an insufficient period of grieving, and with it a tendency to look for a fast, easy way back to the former relation. The danger is that of choosing any available partner, or one who is only superficially similar. When deference begins to emerge in the crunch of the marital relation, the need to accommodate to change is added to the burden of insufficient mourning.8 2. Neonatal loss. Earlier in this series we discussed neonatal loss as a “little death.” Judy Morrow wrote in her journal the night her baby was stillborn: Midnight. Our baby died this morning right after I delivered it. Not even sure if it was a boy or girl. It didn’t even have an abdominal wall and had a sac on its spinal cord. Got a few hours sleep....9 Judy’s sister, Nancy DeHamer (using Isaiah 66:12,13 as a metaphor for the maternal side of God) shared how a friend, Landie, felt the comfort of God’s love following the loss of her newborn.

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All I wanted to do was sleep and block out all this gray, fuzzy happening. And try to pull from the recesses of my mind the comfort of God I knew was mine, if I could somehow make it truly mine and not just words.

I remember saying, “Father, it’s Landie. I need you.”

I could hear him say, “Landie, come, child, come. Let me hold you, put my arms around you. Put your head on my breast.”

As I sat on his lap, the pain started to ease; the hurt, like a lump in my throat that choked me and that I couldn’t swallow away, began to subside. The confusion became sorted and some of the questions I asked that could not be answered, no longer needed answers.10 3. Separation. Long-term separations forced by military or work assignments create an acute sense of loss. Shipley observed, “In order to make the transition after being separated from a loved one, the bereaved may use a transitional object (some article the [person] had worn, held, or taken to bed).”11 One wife whose husband was drafted into Desert Storm confided: “All the time he was gone I slept on his side of the bed so I could sleep on his pillow. It was easier that way.”

4. Job loss. Leslie Parrott has noted, “Those who suffer a job loss can have new hope. Paul often talked about the opportunity for hope in the face of tough times.”12 Using 1 Thessalonians 1:3 as a basis for her observations, Dr. Parrot said, “We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.” She concluded, “These words remind me that every victim of job loss can find hope to endure.”13 5. Retirement. Forced retirement is another major loss.

Sometimes it is the result of economic downsizing; other times it is a result of illness or the aging process. Retirement can be anticipated, but seldom is. Jackson discovered that Retirement often causes a crisis of confidence. If a person has done useful work and enjoyed doing it, he may feel he has experienced a form of death when he retires. The crisis is frequently compounded by a downward change in economic status, which may spell an end to longstanding interests and enjoyments.

There may be a loss of abilities along with the loss of opportunity to develop them. In effect, a person is having to confront aspects of his dying without the benefit of being dead. The existence he is compelled to continue may well be a hollow echo of his earlier life.14

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Inez Spence, whom we met above in discussing the sudden death of her husband, faced another loss when she was forced to retire as director of women’s activities at a small Christian college in the midwest. It was her opthomologist who gave the ultimatum: “The glaucoma is out of control and you must retire to conserve what vision you have left.” She reflected: Adjust! Adjust! Adjust!

I came to dread the very sound of the word, then I came to hate it....I learned that no one ever jumps full-grown into adjustment or acceptance. Lessons are learned step by step. Each day brings its own conflicts and struggles.... One night I knelt to pray. Very honestly I told the Lord my true feelings....”I know, Lord Jesus, what I have to do. My heart is neither questioning nor resentful. The sorrow that You have sent me, I accept. But, please, Lord give me a substitute word for the word “adjust.” I cannot explain my feelings concerning it, I can only admit them. Give me something, please, that will be meaningful to me.”

Quietly I waited. Long years ago I had learned that God meets the honest heart. Then, softly and clearly, came the words to my mind: A new assignment in living.

“Thank You, dear Lord.” I cried. “Thank You so much. I accept the new assignment. I will not try to hide behind the door that You have shut. I will step out and face, without fear, the new door that You have opened....” Morning came. Like the words of a comforting hymn my heart sang the words—”A new assignment in living”.... That day I knew that I had taken a big step in the right direction.14 When she could no longer see to write for the numerous publications that kept sending her assignments, “Mom” Spence dictated her articles and mailed the tapes to her physician son whose secretary transcribed them and sent them on to the editors. Her material has continued to be published long after her death.

Write a prayer of thanksgiving to God for what you have learned about loss and death in this series. Invite Him to use you as His hand extended, reaching out to those who are in various stages of bereavement, mourning, or grief.

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References Session 1: Facing the Losses of Life 1. H. Norman Wright. (1991). Recovering from the Losses of Life.

Tarrytown, NY: Fleming H. Revell Company, p. 12.

Session 2: A Christian View of Death 1. Jackson, L. M. (1983). Coping with the crises in your life. New York: Aronson, p. 150.

2. Beecher, Henry. (December 12, 1967)The New York Times.

3. Schneidman, E. S. (1976). Death:Cur rent perspectives. New York: Aronson.

4. Plato. (1956). The defense of Socrates. In The great dialoguesof Plato. New York: The New American Library.

5. Oates,W. E. (1973). The psychology of religion. Waco, TX: Word Books.

6. Doss, R. W. (1972). Towards a theology of death. In Pastoral psy chology, 23(224), pp. 21,22).

Session 3: Ministering to the Dying 1. Brock, Raymond T. (1988) Death, dying and bereavement. In Marvin G. Gilbert and Raymond T. Brock (Eds.). The Holy Spirit and Counseling, Vol. II. Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, p. 160.

2. Shneidman, E.S. (1976). Orientations toward death. In E.S. Shneidman, N.L. Farberow, and R.E. Litman (Eds), The Psychology of Suicide. New York: Aronson, pp. 3-45.

3. Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. (1984). Unfinished business. In J.C. Hansen and T.T. Franz d(Eds.). Death and grief in the family. Rockville, MD: Aspen Systems Corporation, p. 7.

4. Ibid, p.8.

Session 4: Coming Face to Face with Death 1. Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth. 1969). On death and dying. New York: Macmillan.

2. Davis, Billie C. (1984). Teaching to meet crisis needs. Springfield, MO: Gospel Publishing House, p. 93.

3. Coleman, J. C., & Glaros, A. G. (1983). Contemporary psychology and effective behavior (5th ed.). Glenview, IL: Scott Foresman & Company, p. 116.

4. Brock, Raymond T. (1988). Death. dying, and bereavement. In Gilbert, Marvin G. & Brock, Raymond T. The Holy Spirit and counseling, Vol. II. Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, p.162.

5. Coleman & Glaros, op. cit., p. 116.

6. Bowers, Margaretta K., Jackson, Edgar N., Knight, James A. & LeShan, Lawrence (1981). Counseling the dying. New York: Aronson.

7. Brock, op. cit., p. 162.

8. Jackson, Edgar M. (1983). Coping with the crises in your life. New York: Aronson, pp. 190,191.

9. Rokeach, Milton. (1968). Beliefs, attitudes, and values. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Inc., Publisher, p. 124.

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References Session 5: Coping with Loss by Death 1. Holmes, T. H. & Rahe, R. H. (1967). The social readjustment rating scale. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11 p. 13.

2. Cutter, Fred. (1974). Coming to terms with death: How to face the inevitable with wisdom and dignity. Chicago: Nelson-Hall, pp. 205-206.

3. Kooiman, Gladys. (1968). When death takes a father. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, p. 58, 60.

4. Cutter, op. cit. p. 236.

5. Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. (1984). Unfinished business. In Hansen & Frantz, T. T. (Eds.). Death and grief in the family. Rockville, MD: Aspen Systems Corporation, p. 5.

6. Ibid. p. 6 7. Ibid.

8. Ibid.

9. Bowers. Margaretta K., Jackson, Edgar N., Knight, James A. & LeShan, Lawrence. (1981). Counseling the dying. New York: Aronson, pp. 56, 73.

Session 6: Facing the “Little Deaths” of Life 1. Wright, H. Norman. (Fall 1994). Blessed are those who mourn.

Christian Counseling Today, 2, (4), p. 10.

2. Donnelly, Nina Herman. (1987). I never know what to say. New York: Ballantine Books, p. 123.

3. Brock, Raymond T. (1995). Parenting the elementary child.

Springfield, MO: Gospel Publishing House, (Leader’s Guide), p.

102.

4. Tornquist, Lawrence & Tornquist, Deborah. (Fall 1994). The nursery stays empty. Christian Counseling Today. 2, (4), p. 22.

5. Martens, Sherrie Romberg, (February 23, 1995). I stood, I stand. Baraboo News Republic, Baraboo: WI. 6. Dobson, James. (1995). The facts of life. Colorado Springs:CO. Focus on the Family, p.1.

7. Parrott, Leslie L. (Fall 1994). Tossed out: Getting the pink slip. In Christian Counseling Today, 2, (4), p. 22.

8. Maurer, Harry. (1979). Not working: An oral history of the unem ployed. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, p. 5.

9. Cutter, Fred. (1974). Coming to terms with death: How to face the inevitable with wisdom and dignity. Chicago Nelson-Hall Company.

10. Adams, Jay E. (1980). Marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, p. 31.

11. Walton, Rick L. (1991). Divorce and remarriage.

Springfield,MO: Gospel Publishing House, p. 16.

12. Wright, op. cit., p. 13.

Session 7: The Language of Recovery 1. Lawrenz, Mel & Green, Daniel. (1995). Overcoming grief and trauma: A short-term structured model. Grand Rapids, MI:Baker Books, pp. 31,32.

2. Ibid., p. 35.

3. Brock, Raymond T. (1984). Death, dying, and bereavement. In Gilbert, Marvin G. & Brock, Raymond T. The Holy Spirit and Counseling, Vol. II. Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, ch. 9.

4. Lawrenz & Green, op. cit., p. 29 66

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References 5. Larsen, J. A. (1985). Grief. In Benner, Donald G. (Ed.) Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology. Grand Rapids : MI: Baker Book House, pp. 472-474.

6. Westberg, Granger E. (1971). Good grief. Philadelphia: Fortress Press.

7. Larsen, op. cit., p. 473.

8. Ibid.

9. Davis, Billie C. (1984). Teaching to meet crisis needs.

Springfield, MO: Gospel Publishing House, p.95.

10. Cutter, Fred. (1974). Coming to terms with death: How to face the inevitable with wisdom and dignity. Chicago: Nelson-Hall Company; Graham, Billy. 1987. Death and the life after. Dallas: Word Publishing; Mize, Edith. (1975). A mother mourns and grows. In Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. Death:The final stage of growth.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, Inc. (A Spectrum Book), pp.

97-104; Pincus, Lily.(1974). Death and the family: The importance of mourning.New York: Pantheon Books (A Division of Random House); Shipley, Roger. (1982). The consumer’s guide to death, dying and bereavement. Palm Springs: CA, ETC Publication; Weisman, Avery D. (1974). The realization of death. New York: Jason Aronson; Westberg, op. cit.; Wright, H. Norman (1991). Recovering from the losses of life. Tarrytown, NY: Fleming H. Revell Company.

11. Pincus, op. cit., p. 117.

12. Weisman, op. cit.

13. Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. (1969). On death and dying. New York: Macmillan.

14. Weisman, op. cit., p. 96.

15. Westberg, op. cit.

16. Shipley, op. cit., pp. 18,19.

17. Wilson, W. P. (1985). Death and dying. In Benner, Donald G.Ed.). Baker encyclopedia of psychology. Grand Rapids, MI:Baker Book House, p. 473.

18. Ibid.

19. Shipley, op. cit., p. 18.

20. Westberg, op. cit., p. 54.

21. Shipley, op. cit., p. 19.

Session 8: The Language of Recovery 1. Mize, Edith. (1975). A mother mourns and grows. In Kubler- Ross, Elisabeth. In Death: The final stage of growth.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, Inc. (A Spectrum Book),p.

101.

2. Brock, Raymond T. (1996). Understanding midlife Springfield, MO: Gospel Publishing House, (Leaders' Guide), ch.

6.

3. Pincus, Lily. (1974). Death and the family: The importance of mourning. New York: Pantheon Books (A Division of Random House), p. 122.

4. Ibid., p. 46.

5. Shneidman, Edwin. (1980). Voices of death. New York: Harper & Row, Publishers, p. 362).

6. Jackson, Edgar M. (1973). Coping with the crises in your life.

New York: Jason Aronson, p. 30.

7. Miller, W. R. & Jackson, K. A. (Eds.). (1985). Practical psy chology for pastors. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, p. 192).

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References Session 8: The Language of Recovery 8. Cutter, Fred. (1974). Coming to terms with death: How to face the inevitable with wisdom and dignity. Chicago: Nelson-Hall Company, p.

123.

9. Ibid., p. 124.

10.Miller & Jackson, op.cit.

Session 9: Lessons Learned Through Grief 1. Spence, Inez. (1970). When the heart is lonely. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, p. 24.

2. Ibid., p. 25.

3. Aldrich, Sandra. (1990). Living through the loss of someone you love: One woman’s story of loss, grief, and new-found hope. Ventura, CA: Regal Books (A Division of Gospel Light Publications), pp. 131, 146.

4. Kooiman, Gladys. (1968). When death takes a father. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, pp. 87,88.

5. Morrow, Judy Gordon and DeHamer, Nancy Gordon. Good mourning: help and understanding in time of pregnancy loss. Dallas: Word Publishing, pp. 22,23.

6. Exley, Richard. (1995). When you lose someone you love: Comfort for those who grieve. Tulsa, OK: Honor Books, pp. 20,21.

7. Shipley, Roger. (1982). The consumer’s guide to death, dying and bereavement. Palm Springs: CA. ETC Publications, p. 25.

8. Cutter, Fred. (1974). Coming to terms with death: How to face the inevitable with wisdom and dignity. Chicago: Nelson-Hall Company, p.

221.

9. Morrow & DeHamer, op. cit. p. 24 10. Ibid, pp. 51,52.

11. Shipley, op. cit. p. 20.

12. Parrott, Leslie L. (Fall 1994). Tossed out: Getting the pink slip. In Christian Counseling Today, 2 (4), p. 42.

13. Ibid.

14. Jackson, Edgar N. (1983). Coping with the crises in your life. New York: Jason Aronson, pp. 145,146.

15. Spence, op. cit. pp. 21,22.

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References

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Workbook: Handling Loss and Grief, Turning Point, P.O.Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Workbook: Handling Loss and Grief, Turning Point, P.O.Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127