All rights are reserved. No part of the material protected by this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the Living Free Ministries.
ISBN 10: 1-58119-021-2
ISBN 13: 978-1-58119-021-2
About the Author
Elizabeth Holland, M.D. is a pediatrician who has practiced in Memphis, Tennessee, for more than twenty five years. She currently teaches several small group Bible studies and is a frequent speaker at women’s conferences and mission conventions.
This combination and her numerous mission trips around the world give her a unique perspective on the issues confronting parents and children today.
Godly Parenting Group
C ontents
Getting Started
Suggested Group Format
Preface
Children Learn What They Live
Session One — Principles
Session Two — Pre-Birth (Conception to Birth)
Session Three — Early Infancy (Birth - 12 months)
Session Four — Toddler (13 - 24 months)
Session Five — Child (25 - 36 months)
Session Six — Pre-School (3 - 5 years)
Session Seven — School Age (6 - 10 years)
Session Eight — Early Adolescence (11 - 14 years)
Session Nine — Adolescence (15 - 19 years)
Session Ten — Young Adult (19 - 22 years)
Session Eleven — Adult Child (22+ years)
Session Twelve — Dealing with Special Circumstances
Session Thirteen — Summary of Principles/Review
Resources
Getting Started
Group Size
We suggest that each Godly Parenting Group have two group leaders (facilitators) and a maximum of twelve participants. Having more than twelve may prevent some from being a part of much-needed discussion.
Preparation Time
The facilitator’s material is written in an almost word-for-word dialogue. However, it is hoped that as you come to know and understand the concepts presented, you will be able to “personalize” each session to better fit your own style. Highlight the points you want to emphasize and make notes for yourself.
Your group is unique—so adapt questions to their needs and situations. Be sensitive to each person who is in your group.
Keep in mind that the answers provided for the discussion questions are there only as a tool to assist you and may not be the only “right” answers to the questions being asked.
Become thoroughly familiar with the four elements of each session:
• Introduction
• Self-awareness
• Spiritual awareness
• Application
You’ll find more detail about these on the following pages.
The facilitators should meet prior to each session to pray and to make final plans. They should also meet briefly after each session to discuss what happened during the meeting and to go over any follow-up that may be needed.
Godly Parenting Group Workbooks
Before Session One, the Godly Parenting Group Workbook should be distributed to each group member. Facilitators should be thoroughly familiar with the workbook before the first meeting.
During the orientation, you will encourage group members to complete the appropriate assignments prior to each group meeting. Through the readings and other exercises in the workbook, group members can come to each session better prepared for meaningful discussion. Note that while group members are asked to read and think about the Scriptures to be covered, the discussion questions have been left out of the workbooks in order to enhance the spontaneity of the group process.
Suggested Group Format
The group format for each session consists of four elements: Introduction, Selfawareness, Spiritual awareness, and Application. There is a reason for each phase. The facilitators should always plan each session with this format in mind.
Part I Introduction
(10 minutes)
Begin with prayer. The facilitator may pray or may ask one of the group members to lead in prayer. After the prayer, a sharing question helps put the group at ease and makes them more comfortable in being a part of the discussion. The lead facilitator should respond to the sharing question first, followed by the cofacilitator. This causes the group members to feel safer in participating in the exercise. After the facilitators have shared, the group members will share one after another around the circle. Always remind group members that they are not expected to share if they do not wish to. The rule is that everyone works within his or her comfort level and is welcome to pass.
This is not the time for detailed conversation, so ask the members of the group to keep their comments brief. If a person is obviously in pain during the exercise, the facilitator should interrupt the sharing
and pray for the person in pain. After prayer, the exercise may resume.
Part III Spiritual awareness (20-25
minutes)
Part II Self-awareness (20-25
minutes)
After the sharing question, the facilitator will lead the group into the Self-awareness phase. Selfawareness is a time to discuss the practical issues involved in godly parenting. It is important to stay on the subject matter. This is a time to focus on needs and healing, not to have a “martyr” or “pity party.”
It is suggested in Selfawareness that the facilitators ask the group members to share as they wish, rather than going around the circle as in the introduction phase. This is because people are at various comfort levels, and they should not feel pressured to self-disclose if they are uncomfortable. As the group continues to meet, members will feel more and more comfortable in being a part of the discussion.
Remember, prayer is always in order. If a group member is hurting during this phase, stop and pray. One of the facilitators may lead in prayer or ask another group member to pray. This says to the group members that each member is important and that you care about each individual.
After the Self-awareness phase, the facilitator will lead the group into the Bible study time. Having briefly explained the topic, the facilitator should assign Scriptures listed in the Facilitator’s Guide to group members. When each Scripture is called by the facilitator, the group member should read the verse(s). After the verses are read, give time for discussion.
Part IV Application (20
minutes)
This part is actually a continuation of Phase III. Ask for volunteers to share their reflections on the question. The facilitators should emphasize the importance of the group members’ applying biblical principles to their lives. Help begins with right thinking. The Bible says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). Obedience to the Word should follow with right behavior. Right feelings will follow right thinking and right behavior.
Preface
Welcome to the Living Free Small Study Group—Godly Parenting: God’s Principles of Parenting At Every Stage Of Growth.
It is our hope that your involvement in this study will awaken in you a recognition of the awesome privilege and responsibility entrusted to you by God. As parents, you have been chosen to usher new life into the world, and you have been given the responsibility of guiding, and directing, and loving that new life into healthy and responsible adulthood.
It will be your privilege to watch your child grow and develop in such a way that he/she will learn to have healthy relationships both within and outside of the family. Your ultimate goal is for your children to develop a personal relationship with God, the Father of us all.
It is recognized that in any group study, some of the children to be parented will be male, and some will be female. In an attempt to accommodate this fact, your child will be referred to as “he” in approximately half of the text and as “she” in the remainder.
It is also recognized that many of you in this study had adequate to excellent parenting and very happy childhoods while others of you came from differing degrees of dysfunctional homes without adequate role models for parenting. For this reason, we have chosen to recognize that God is our ultimate Parent Figure. He is both Father/Mother to His children (Isaiah 49:15), and as we study His relationship to His children we can come to an adequate understanding of how to implement Godly Parenting within our own families.
Although this material has been written to families with two parents present, we know that a large number of children are being raised in “single parent” homes. Also, there are a considerable number of grandparents who have assumed the daunting task of raising their grandchildren. Although the principles of Godly Parenting remain the same, these and other special circumstances will be dealt with specifically in Chapter 12 of this manual.
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO MAKE MISTAKES! YOU WILL BEST LEARN TO BE A PARENT BY PARENTING!
Children Learn What They Live
If children live with criticism, They learn to condemn.
If children live with ridicule, They learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, They learn to feel guilty.
If children live with tolerance, They learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement, They learn confidence.
If children live with praise, They learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, They learn justice.
If children live with security, They learn to have faith.
If children live with approval, They learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance and friendship, They learn to find love in the world.
Used by permission. John Philip Company, San Jose, CA
Dorothy Law Nolte
1Session Principles
Introduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
Welcome to our first Godly Parenting meeting. Have each member of the group introduce him/herself. Ask each to tell of any special circumstances in his/her life (example: single parent), as well as how many children they have and their ages. The facilitator should begin the go-around.
Allow 10 Minutes
Briefly thank God for each person in the group. Thank Him for their desire to be godly parents. Recognize His presence, and invite His guidance throughout the group time. Ask Him to make this study meaningful and applicable to each of their lives.
The purpose of this exercise is to help group members move toward being more comfortable in sharing with the group. Ask each one to introduce himself/herself, beginning with yourself (and your co-facilitator).
There is one general principle of parenting that must not be overlooked or ignored. This principle is CONSISTENCY. Parents must have a commitment to consistency! This includes consistency in communication, consistency in training, consistency in discipline, consistency in provision and consistency in protection, as well as consistency in handling sexual issues. A child will respond to consistency in your relationship more readily than he will to any other skill or technique you may develop. It is the easiest principle to describe, but the most difficult to develop and practice.
Allow 20–25 Minutes
Please make note of the Scriptures contained in this, and other, sections of the text. Remind the group members to look up every Scripture listed as they study the lesson each week.
Why do you feel this is true?
Communication with your child needs to be age specific, avoiding detailed explanations to simple questions. It is preferable to be at eye level with your child as you communicate, especially as the child grows older. Use a consistent, even tone of voice, and avoid communication when you are angry or frustrated. Communication takes time. Healthy families talk to each other a great deal and understand that communication also includes listening.
Teaching/Training: The most important teaching your child will receive is the example you live before him. Read Ezekiel 16:44. and 2 Kings 17:41. A child learns by what he sees his mother and father doing. (Refer to Children Learn What They Live.) Teach age-specific responsibilities, social interaction, and godly behavior. Hands-on learning is best, allowing the child to touch and choose when there is no danger to him in the choices.
Discipline: Consistency! Consistency! Consistency! Emotional problems in children are not so much a result of the type or amount of discipline given, but rather in the lack of consistency.
It is imperative that both parents agree on two things and present a united front to the child:
• boundaries - what behavior is acceptable and what is not.
• what type of discipline will be used when the boundaries are crossed. Acceptable methods of discipline will be discussed later in this study.
If parents simply cannot agree on the type of discipline or when it should be used, can you list some practical suggestions to handle this difficulty?
When both father and mother are present with the child, the father should be the authority and the disciplinarian. When the mother and the children are together, the mother assumes the role of disciplinarian.
Both parents must understand the difference between discipline and punishment.
• Discipline is given in love, to train in godly behavior and to turn away from danger.
• Punishment is given in anger, usually to “get even” or to vent frustration.
Discipline is both appropriate and necessary in the training of a child. Punishment is neither.
Personal responses.
Either try to reach a meaningful compromise or allow one parent to be responsible for discipline with the other parent offering support. In the latter case, parents still must present a united front to the child.
List several situations in which discipline could cross appropriate boundaries and become punishment.
When a parent punishes in anger, or strikes a child with an inappropriate object, or causes humiliation by disciplining in public, or fails to let the child know he is loved even though his behavior is inappropriate.
Provision/Protection/Safety: God has made parents responsible for the physical, as well as, the moral and spiritual provision and protection of their children. Adequate supervision at all times, a “baby-proofed” home with working smoke detectors, and a smoke-free environment in both the home and car are not options but necessities. Many parents choose to take CPR classes and instruction in the Heimlich maneuver. (Classes are usually available through the Red Cross or through a local hospital).
Never cease to pray for your child—intercede for him daily. Read 2 Samuel 12:16. Commit his training, his physical and emotional well-being, his entire life into God’s care. Let your child know and see that you are praying for him and that this is a priority in your life.
Sexual Issues: Sexual discussions with your child should be age specific. A common mistake is giving too much and too detailed information to your child’s early questions.
A parent needs to be comfortable in discussing sexual issues. If you are not, the child will pick up on your discomfort and begin to feel that sexuality is “dirty,” or shameful. Whichever parent is more comfortable with the issues should generally be the one to have the discussions with the child.
Do you think that you will have difficulty discussing sexual issues with your child? Why or why not?
Remind group members to look up II Samuel 12:16 in their own time.
What can you do to overcome this reluctance?
If your parents never discussed sexual issues with you, or if the subject was embarrassing or shameful, OR if you were abused as a child, these discussions may be difficult for you.
Practice answers to anticipated questions with a spouse, or a trusted friend. Look for written material from your doctor’s office with suggestions of how to answer these questions.
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
God’s relationship with us sets the pattern for our relationship with our children. We can be assured of His presence, His care, His love, and His active involvement in our lives through His training, His discipline, and His blessings. We can count on Him, and on His consistency. Our children need to know that they can count on us—that our dealings with them, and our relationship with them will be consistent.
SWe will look through the following Scriptures and look for references to discipline, teaching/training, provision/protection/ and compassion/comfort.
Deuteronomy 6:4-7
God stresses the importance of teaching our children His law.
If this is of such importance to God, how important should it be to us?
Is this a one time teaching only?
Psalm 103:8-13
God shows us the compassion and love that He wants us to use as we deal with our children.
How can we even hope to approach this kind of compassion and love?
Allow 20–25 Minutes
Assign each group member one Scripture to look up, and to read when it is time. Have someone read these verses.
It should be very important.
No. It is an ongoing, daily instruction. Have someone read the verses.
Only by relying on Him on a daily, hourly basis. We have to ask, each day, for the ability to share His compassion and love with our children.
Proverbs 3:11-12
These verses teach us that because God loves us, He disciplines us.
How can we relate these verses to our relationship with our children?
Proverbs 13:22
From this verse we learn that we are expected to provide, as adequately as we can, for our children’s welfare.
Proverbs 19:18
This verse gives us insight into the absolute need to discipline our children.
How is an undisciplined child handicapped?
Proverbs 22:6
It is a principle of God’s Word that the training, teaching, and discipline of our children will bear ultimate fruit. One of the most oft-quoted verses of Scripture, Proverbs 22:6, tells us this.
Does this verse promise us that our teenagers and young adults will follow in the way we have taught them?
Have someone read these verses.
Because we love our children, we must discipline them.
Proverbs 29:15
This verse also speaks of the consequences if we fail to discipline our children.
Describe one consequence.
Isaiah 66:13
In this verse we are told that God comforts us, His children, even as a mother comforts her child.
What principle does this verse teach us about parenting, and how can we hope to accomplish it?
Have someone read this verse.
Have someone read the verse.
A child not disciplined is not prepared for life.
Have someone read this verse.
No, but it is a principle that godly parenting will have results, at some time, even in old age, in our children’s lives.
Have someone read this verse.
He will be a disgrace to his parents.
Have someone read this verse.
Parents should be a source of comfort for their children. We can accomplish this by recognizing that He is our source of comfort, and being willing to pass that on to our children.
I Timothy 5:7-8
This verse teaches us how God looks on one who does not provide for his family.
How can this help us?
Revelation 3:19
Throughout Scripture, discipline and love are intertwined. This truth is reinforced in this verse.
What can we learn from this?
Application
Examine your relationship to your parents. Do you want to parent your child just as you were parented? Why or why not? How would you like to be different?
Have someone read these verses.
God expects parents to provide for their children to the best of their ability.
Have someone read this verse.
Discipline and love cannot realistically be separated. If we love our children, discipline will be an integral part of our parenting.
Examine your relationship to God. What does it mean to you that you are God’s child. Read John 1:12. Is your relationship to God based on trust and dependency, or do you consider Him to be less involved in your life, less personal?
How can God’s relationship to you help you as you parent your child?
What do you expect from your child? Are your expectations realistic?
Allow 20 Minutes
Children who had adequate parenting and happy childhoods, usually want to model their own parents’ style. Those who were raised too strictly, too leniently, without demonstrated love, who had absent parents, or who were abused, most likely would like to do things differently.
Personal answers. Encourage several group members to contribute.
Even if you did not receive adequate parenting, we all have God, and His demonstrated love for us, as our model.
Perhaps you expect your child to follow your footsteps, your occupation. Perhaps you expect him to accomplish the things that you never accomplished. Are you expecting him to excel in sports? In school? Others? Encourage the group members to respond.
How do you plan, with God’s help, and that of supportive people in your life, to overcome any fears and apprehensions you have concerning parenting? Read Romans 8:15-16.
Which, if any, changes do you need to make in your lifestyle as you begin to parent? Keep in mind that the most important training your child will receive is the life he sees you live.
Write a prayer to God expressing your dependency upon Him and His wisdom and guidance as you begin to parent.
Always be aware that your children are not your own. They are His. You are to love them, guide them and guard them as His most treasured possessions.
Closing Prayer
Be sure to remind the group memBers to study the next week’s lesson Before they come to class. encourage them to Be on time and to have looked up each scripture reference given. encourage them to spend time with god in meditation and prayer as they open their hearts to his teaching concerning godly parenting.
We can confess our fears to a trusted friend, or spouse, and enlist their help and prayers. We can confess our fears to God, and receive His peace and His help. We can take part in parenting groups and become more secure as we share doubts and receive help.
Personal answers. Remember, a godly parent must first be a godly person
Give opportunity to any group members who would like to share the prayers they have written.
Thank God for each of the answers given and for each of the lessons learned. Ask Him to make the lessons applicable to each group member during the coming week. Pray for any of the needs mentioned. Thank Him for His presence and His guidance during the group time.
2Session Pre-birth
ntroduction
Opening Prayer
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for the faithfulness of each group member. Recognize His presence. Ask Him to help each group member discover personal insight into his/her role as a parent.
Sharing
Question
What is your favorite place in your home? Why?
Self-Awareness
The nine months of pregnancy are a time of preparation. The physical preparations may be exciting, i.e. picking out names or furnishing a nursery, but the most important preparation is emotional and spiritual. This is the time to consolidate your attitudes toward your pregnancy and toward child rearing. This is a time for honest and open discussions between husband and wife about methods of discipline, training, and provision for your child. Is there a new parents support group in your church? In your community? These can be very helpful for new parents or parents-to-be.
The nine months of pregnancy are also a time of decision
Will you choose an obstetrician or a midwife for your child’s delivery? Make an appointment for pre-natal care no later than 2-3 months into your pregnancy.
Do you desire natural childbirth? If so, plan to enroll in classes no later than 5-6 months into your pregnancy. (Christian childbirth classes are preferable if they are available).
Hopefully, during this time the group members will begin to discover the things, and places, that bring them the greatest sense of peace and security.
Allow 20–25 Minutes
Do you have fears concerning natural childbirth? Discuss these fears and ways they might be resolved.
You should choose a pediatrician or family practitioner to care for your baby. Plan a pre-natal visit to interview one or more possible choices. Ask about his/her attitudes and philosophy concerning the things that are the most important to you.
Communication: Take steps to reduce anxiety and tension in your life. These emotions are communicated to your infant. When a mother’s stress hormones become elevated, the baby may become agitated.
Are there any practical ways you could reduce the stress in your life?
Discuss with a friend who has already experienced natural childbirth and had a good experience. Read available material, and discuss with your doctor. Plan and prepare. Ask God to fill you with His peace.
Play soft, soothing music to your infant. This has been shown to have a calming effect on the baby in the womb. Conversely, rock or other loud music has been demonstrated to agitate the baby in the womb. Read Luke 1:44. Even an unborn infant can “leap for joy” and express happiness. Both mother and father should talk to and sing to the baby on a regular basis.
Provision/Protection/Safety:
Physical: The importance of a good diet cannot be overemphasized during pregnancy. What you eat is more important than how much you eat, but it is important not to skip meals. Avoid “junk” food and excessive salt. Remember—What you eat, your baby eats. What you breathe, your baby breathes. A general rule of thumb for appropriate weight gain during pregnancy is: 3 lbs. (1.3 kg.) during the first 3 months, then 3-4 lbs. ((1.3 - 1.8 kg.) a month for months 4-9.
There should be no smoking and no drinking during your pregnancy. Nicotine decreases the blood supply to the placenta, and therefore to your baby. Do not even take “overthe-counter” medicines without consulting your physician. Avoid all X-rays. Limit caffeine to small/moderate amounts. Safe limits for caffeine have not yet been determined.
Cut back on some present commitments. Take 1/2 to 1 hour daily for yourself with no plans, no work, to read, pray, rest. Refuse to argue or fight. Listen to soothing music.
Will you find these restrictions difficult? Why?
What can you do to make them easier?
Spiritual: Parents-to-be — Never forget that your original commitment was to each other. Read Genesis 2:24. Now, that commitment is broadening to include “family.” Do not neglect your original commitment to each other. One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a home founded on love, respect, and commitment. Pray daily for the strength of your marriage and for your love for each other. Also, pray together, with your hands laid upon mother’s pregnant abdomen. Thank God for the life growing within you. Pray for her health and well-being. Recognize that God, even now, is in control of her life. Pray for wisdom and guidance as you prepare to parent this gift from God to you.
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
You need to fully understand how God views the child in your womb. This child is a gift and a blessing from Him. God is the giver of life. He has formed the baby in your womb. He is intimately involved with each of the changes that take place during your pregnancy.
How can you develop an attitude of praise as God does this mighty work within you?
S piritual-Awareness
Pay special attention to what the Scriptures have to say about children as gifts and blessings from God.
Personal answers.
Begin to cut back gradually, even before you become pregnant. Cut back or discontinue with another person. It is always easier to erase bad habits when you have company in the journey.
Genesis 25:21 Who is ultimately responsible for any pregnancy?
Read His Word. Come to see this baby as God sees her.
Allow 20–25 Minutes
Assign each Scripture verse to a group member and ask them to read it at the appropriate time. God is. No pregnancy is an accident or a mistake.
Genesis 49:25
How does God view the baby you are carrying?
Judges 13:3-4
Why should you avoid harmful substances during your pregnancy?
Psalm 127:3
How should we all view our children?
Psalm 139:13-16
In your own words, describe your feelings as you read these expressions of God’s involvement in your life?
As one of His greatest blessings.
Because most of these can be dangerous to the baby you are carrying. This is God’s way of protecting your infant.
As a heritage, as a reward.
Personal answers. It should bring about an attitude of praise and thanksgiving as we realize the depth of God’s involvement in our individual lives.
Isaiah 44:24
Who formed the baby in your womb?
Isaiah 46:3-4
When did God begin to uphold you? When did he begin to uphold your infant?
Isaiah 49:1, Jeremiah 1:5, Galatians 1:15
When does God begin His involvement in a human life?
God did. He may have used the union of sperm and egg, He may have used your genetic characteristics, but He formed the baby
At the moment of conception.
Before you were born, before you were formed. You were set apart from birth.
What was your initial emotion when you learned that you were pregnant? How does the fact that God is already intimately involved in your child’s life affect that emotion?
Your initial emotion may have been
Regret or fear or joy. Understanding God’s involvement in your pregnancy should bring about peace. Allow 20 Minutes
What steps do you plan to take to reduce tension and stress in your life? Read Isaiah 26:3-4. Read Psalm 55:1-8, 16-18, 22.
What steps do you need to take to strengthen your commitment to your husband/your wife? How do you plan to do this?
Some of these steps have already been discussed. If there is time, ask four group members to read out loud the four Scriptures given.
Trust in God brings peace. God is a shelter from the storm, and from stormy emotions. He hears our voice. When we cast our cares upon Him, He will care for us.
Personal answers. Spend more time with, talk to, perhaps take a weekend get-away to be alone with and restore the relationship with your spouse. Cut back on present commitments to do this if necessary.
Are you and your spouse in agreement concerning boundaries and discipline of your child?
Are your disagreements resolvable, and what steps do you need to take to resolve these issues before your child is born?
Write a paragraph, in your own words, that describes the type of parent you want to be.
Personal answers.
Write a prayer to God to be used daily in behalf of the baby you are carrying.
Closing Prayer
Personal answers. Compromise may be necessary. But whatever the difficulties are, understand the necessity of presenting a united front to your child.
Personal. Allow time if anyone would like to share their thoughts with the group.
Personal
Pray for any specific needs or fears that have been expressed. Thank Him for His involvement in our own lives, and in our infant’s lives. Pray for courage and wisdom during the coming week as the group members deal with any difficulties related to this material.
GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT
Your first nine months of life were the most eventful you have ever experienced. Here are the major milestones of that life before birth—the first chapter in your own biography:
Conception: Father’s sperm penetrates mother’s egg cell. Genetic instructions from parents interact to begin a new and unique individual—no bigger than a grain of sugar.
1st Day: The first cell divides into two, the two into four, and so on.
5-9 Days: The new individual Burrows into the wall of the womb. Sex can be determined.
14 Days: Mother’s menstrual period is suppressed by a hormone produced by her child.
18 Days: Heart is forming; eyes developing.
20 Days: Foundations of brain, spinal cord and nervous system are laid.
24 Days: Heart begins to beat.
28 Days: Muscles are developing along the future spine. Arms and legs are budding.
30 Days: Child has grown 10,000 times to 6-7 mm. (1/4 inch) long. Brain has human proportions. Blood flows in veins (but stays separate from mother’s blood).
35 Days: Pituitary gland in brain is forming. Mouth, ears and nose are taking shape.
40 Days: Heart’s energy output is 20 percent of adult’s.
42 Days: Skeleton is formed. Brain coordinates movement of muscles and organs. Reflex responses have begun. Penis is forming in boys. (Mother misses second period.)
43 Days: Brain waves can be recorded
45 Days: Spontaneous movements have begun. Buds of milk teeth have appeared.
7 Weeks: Lips are sensitive to touch. Ears may resemble family pattern.
8 Weeks: Child is well-proportioned, small-scale baby, 3 cm. (1 1/8 inch) sitting up and a gram (1/30 ounce) in weight. Every organ is present. Heart beats sturdily. Stomach produces digestive juices. Liver makes blood cells. Kidney begin to function. Taste buds are forming.
9 Weeks: Child will bend fingers around an object placed in the palm. Thumb sucking occurs. Fingernails are forming.
10 Weeks: Body is sensitive to touch. Child squints, swallows and frowns.
11 Weeks: Baby urinates, makes complex facial expressions—even smiles.
12 Weeks: Vigorous activity shows distinct individuality. Child can kick, turn feet, curl and fan toes, make a fist, move thumbs, bend wrists, turn head, open mouth
and press lips tightly together. Breathing is practiced.
13 Weeks: Face is prettier, facial expressions resembling parents’. Movements are graceful. Vocal cords are formed (but without air baby cannot cry). Sex organs are apparent.
4 Months: Child can grasp with hands, swim and turn somersaults.
4-5 Months: Mother senses movements.
5 Months: Sleeping habits appear. Child responds to sounds in frequencies too high or low for adults to hear.
6 Months: Fine hair grows on eyebrows and head. Eyelash fringe appears. Weight is about 640g. (1 lb. 6 oz.) and height 23 cm. (9 in.). Babies born at this age have survived.
7 Months: Eye teeth are present. Eyelids open and close, eyes look around. Hands grasp strongly. Mother’s voice recognized.
8 Months: Weight increases by 1kg. (over 2 lbs.) and baby’s quarters get cramped.
9 Months: Child triggers labor and birth occurs, usually 255-275 days after conception. Of 45 generations of cell divisions before adulthood, 41 have already taken place.
Used by permission of Good News Publishers
3Session Early Infancy
Birth to 12 Months
Introduction
Opening Prayer Sharing Question
What is the first question you would like to ask God when you meet Him?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for each member present. Ask for His insight and wisdom as we grapple with the issues of parenting. Recognize His presence.
Most of the questions will be “Why” questions. This will allow group members to express some of their own concerns about God’s involvement in their lives. For example, a question may begin, “Why did You allow to happen?” Encourage the group members to spend some time examining exactly how much control they believe God has in their lives, and how involved He really is. This question will also allow the group members to get to know each other better.
Self-Awareness
The time has come to do more than think about, or discuss, or pray about parenting. The arrival of a new baby signals the move into actual parenting. It will become immediately obvious to you that this baby is completely dependent on you to meet his needs. Feeding needs, diaper needs, crying needs, needs for love, security, cuddling, all seem to arrive at the same time. The needs can appear to be overwhelming until you recognize once again, and confess, that this child is in God’s hands, and He will put no responsibility on you that He does not enable you to meet. Be aware of the possibility of post-partum “blues”, or post-partum depression. These occurrences will be discussed in more detail in the Health Tips at the end of this chapter. You will need to have helpful, supportive people in your life as you assume these new responsibilities.
The keys to parenting at this age are vigilance and consistency!
Communication: The new baby’s chief way of communicating with you is through crying. Crying simply means that he needs to have a specific need met. It may be a need for feeding, for diaper change, for relief from pain, or simply for love and security. A parent can soon (by 1-3 months)
Allow 20-25 Minutes
learn to distinguish the different cries of the baby. Be attentive to his needs! As he learns that his needs will be met, most babies become less and less demanding. It is not good to let a baby cry for prolonged periods. You will not spoil him if you pick him up, love him, and meet his needs when he cries.
Do you have concerns about “spoiling” your baby? Why?
Are you willing to trust your instincts, rather than what other people tell you about this matter?
Your best means of communicating with your baby is by voice and touch. A child needs to feel his parent’s touch, their arms, their security. Talk and sing to your baby. He needs to learn and become comfortable with the sound of your voice. Avoid loud tones and arguing in his presence. Read Scripture to your infant on a consistent basis (2 Timothy 3:15).
Fussy babies usually respond to motion. This can include rocking, cuddling, or even a ride in the car. Baby Slings, in which the baby is carried next to your body throughout the day, are excellent options for some parents.
Training and Discipline: Training and discipline of your infant begin at birth. With time you will learn to distinguish his various cries. A cry of pain is vastly different than a cry of hunger, or of boredom. You might not respond as quickly to a cry of boredom, although, if his crying increases, you should certainly investigate. Boredom can be alleviated with brief times of play, or simply by moving the baby to a new location. Discipline begins with knowing your child and through responding to his needs–teaching him how to live.
What is your concept of appropriate discipline for a baby?
Personal answers.
The baby also will learn to distinguish the different sounds of your voice as you respond to him. A firm “no” is usually uttered in a different tone than the one you use to sing and cuddle him.
Begin the habit of consistent church attendance. The infant may be placed in the nursery or carried into the sanctuary. He will begin to accept church attendance as a regular part of his life.
Personal answers.
2 Timothy 3:15 reminds us that even infants benefit from consistent, daily Scripture reading.
Encourage several group members to share here. Ask where they think their concept came from. Parents? Church? Books? Other?
Provision\Protection\Safety: Breast feeding is the natural and preferred way to provide nutrition for your child. However, there are adequate substitute formulas available if, for any reason, you find it impossible to breast feed. Solids should be added only at the times your pediatrician suggests.
Frequent medical checkups and routine immunizations will prevent many potential problems before they arise.
Child care may be provided by the following, in descending order of preference: 1) if possible, the child should be cared for by a parent in the home, 2) a family member, i.e. grandparent, aunt, in their home, 3) a non-relative baby sitter in your home, 4) a baby sitter who keeps a small number of children (usually less than 4-5) in her home, and finally 5) a commercial day care center.
If it is necessary for both parents to work, list some practical ways you can have quality time with your child.
You must plan ahead to be able to do this. Schedule at least one hour with your child (children) on a daily basis. Don’t interrupt this time except for emergencies. Hold, cuddle, rock, sing, take walks with the infant in your arms.
You need to provide a safe environment for your infant. (For a complete list of suggestions see the Safety Tips at the end of this chapter.) As he begins to crawl, be aware that any object his hands can reach will end up in his mouth! Put cat litter up, out of his reach. Be especially aware of the dangers of floor furnace vents during the winter season.
Sexual Issues do not usually arise at this age. It is best to ignore genital touching and playing as your baby begins to discover himself.
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
Caring for an infant can be a time-consuming process. Often it seems that there is simply not enough time for work, play, sleep, and the study of God’s Word.
Psalm 121 describes God’s caring relationship for each of us, as well as our complete dependence on Him. Can these words mirror your infant’s complete dependence on you?
We must recognize the source of our help. We are to diligently watch over and keep our children from harm.
S
piritual-Awareness
We want to investigate how God views us, His children, and to learn how to deal with our infants in the same manner.
Psalm 22:9-11
What do these verses tell us about parenting an infant?
Do you think that the nearness (“do not be far from me”) implied here is a physical nearness only?
Psalm 111:4-5
If God is our role model for parenting, what three things can we learn from this passage?
Isaiah 49:15-16
Can any of these promises of God help you as you seek to be a godly parent?
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Assign each of the following Scriptures to a group member. An infant completely trusts his parents. He counts on their nearness and their help with his needs.
Obviously, an emotional nearness is also implied.
He is gracious, compassionate, and takes care of the physical needs (example, food) of His children.
We should try to deal with our children with compassion, and to ever keep them in the forefront of our minds and hearts. We can be secure in the knowledge that God will never forget us. Our children should have that same security in our love and protection.
Lamentations 4:4
Does this verse say anything to you about the absolute necessity of providing for all of your child’s needs?
Ephesians 4:14
What characteristic of infants do you see in this verse?
I Timothy 5:7-8
A baby is completely dependent upon your provision. God judges harshly one who fails to make provision for his children.
If we fail to provide for our children’s needs, they may well suffer greatly.
They are trusting, easy to deceive, helpless if they are in the care of evil people.
What kind of support system do you have as you begin the challenge of parenting and guiding a new life into responsible adulthood?
Allow 20 Minutes
Personal answers. Practical suggestions are parents, grandparents, other relatives, godly friends, pastors. Do not fail to recognize the Holy Spirit as your primary source of help and support.
How can you actively search out people who will encourage and support you during this time? It takes active planning to avoid becoming isolated and overwhelmed.
Describe in your own words your joy and your hope in, as well as your fears and apprehensions concerning this helpless, dependent baby who is your responsibility.
Church attendance, parent support groups. Doctors and pastors are frequently able to suggest sources of support to parents who find themselves alone and overwhelmed.
Personal response. Encourage sharing in the group. Encourage feedback to those members who verbalize fears and apprehensions.
Write a prayer expressing to God your dreams and aspirations for this little one He has entrusted to you. Begin to commit every aspect of your baby’s life to His love and care.
Closing Prayer
Personal. If any member would like to share, allow time for this.
Pray about any specific needs and struggles mentioned during times of sharing. Thank God for the fact that we are His children and He protects us and provides for us, and teaches us how to be godly parents. Pray for wisdom and insight as the group members study next week’s lesson. GROWTH
Weight gain Most full-term infants will regain their birth weight by 10 days. A baby will generally double his birth weight within 4-6 months, and triple his birth weight within one year. Refrain from comparing your child to another child of similar age. Your baby’s growth during the first two years of life is directly related to his birth weight and not to his age. Length of a normal infant usually increases 10-12 inches (25-30cm.) by the end of the first year.
Teeth appear in the majority of babies between 5-9 months. The teething process (drooling, putting objects in mouth) begins between 1-2 months.
Rolls over: stomach to back - 3-5 months back to stomach - 4-6 months
Sit alone: 6-7 months
Crawl: 8-10 months
Repetitive sounds: vowels + consonants (ma ma, da da,): 6-8 months
Separation anxiety: 6-8 months
Walking without help: 10-14 months
HEALTH TIPS
Feed the baby through the night until he is at least 2 months old. Try not to let him go longer than 5 hours without a feeding.
Brush teeth when they appear. Place the baby’s hand on a soft nylon infant toothbrush in the correct position. Then place your hand over the baby’s hand and brush in an up and down motion. He will learn the correct technique for brushing his own teeth, even as you do it for him.
Fever - take your baby’s temperature rectally. Axillary (under the arm) temperatures are not accurate. The new ear thermometers are more accurate than axillary, but less accurate than rectal. A NORMAL rectal temperature is up to 100.4 F. Notify your physician for any temperature greater than 100.5 rectally in a baby less than 3 months old.
Colic - Many babies have fussy episodes. Colic is defined as uncontrollable crying for greater than 2-3 hours with stiffening legs or pulling knees up to the abdomen. Discuss with your pediatrician if your believe your baby has colic.
Bowel Movements - Healthy infants may go for several days without having a stool. A normal range for number of stools would be one stool every 3rd day to 4-6 a day. The consistency of the stool is much more important than the number. Stools should not be watery (diarrhea) or regularly hard and rocky (constipation). Consult your physician for consistently watery or hard stools.
Feeding - give breast milk or prepared formula until 12 months. Do not start whole milk or condensed milk before this time. Solid baby food can be prepared easily from natural foods with a food processor and is more nutritious and economical than baby food purchased in a store. Feed with a spoon. Place your baby’s hand on the spoon in the correct position, then place your hand over his hand, and feed. He will learn the correct technique for feeding himself, even as he is being fed.
Feet develop better if the child is barefoot or wears soft-sole tennis shoes or moccasins. Avoid high-top or hard-sole shoes for lengthy periods until the baby is 15-18 months old. Shoes are rarely indicated, except for “dressing up” before 15-18 months.
Pacifiers do no harm and are preferable to the thumb. Babies have a need to suck, and a pacifier is an easy way for your baby to meet that need.
Bottles belong with meals only. Do not allow your child to walk through the house or a store with a bottle in his mouth. Never put the child to bed with a bottle.
If you use any type ear drops in your baby’s ears, it is better to use wet cotton as a plug. Dry cotton will absorb the drop and medications will not function.
Regular Eye Exams should start between 6-9 months.
HEALTH TIPS FOR MOTHERS
Post-partum depression is an uncommon, yet possible occurrence after the euphoria of birth wears off, and doubt, and frustration, and the reality of child care set in. Post-partum depression is more than “feeling down” or having the “blues.” Symptoms include fatigue, exhaustion, prolonged episodes of crying, anxiety attacks, an overwhelming feeling of sadness, as well as a growing lack of concern for grooming, for husband, or for the infant. There is also a great deal of shame and guilt when a new mother is unable to take pleasure in her child. Post-partum depression is not the mother’s fault and is most likely caused by hormonal changes, increased stress, and lack of a helpful support system. A medical doctor should be consulted if these symptoms occur. Counseling and support groups, as well as supportive family members, can be of great help. Husbands should be actively involved in the treatment.
SAFETY TIPS
� Never leave a baby unattended, even for one second. This includes on a bed, couch, counter or in a car. Falls and head injuries are common accidents in the first year.
� Sleep your baby on his side or back, never on his abdomen. An increased incidence of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) has been found to be associated with babies sleeping on their stomachs, especially when soft mattresses and bedding are used.
� Car Seats are not optional. Secure the baby firmly in an approved car seat in the back seat of your car and in the reverse position (facing the rear of the car). Never transport a baby in a car carried, or even belted, in a passengers lap.
� Baby Walkers are dangerous and should not be used. Numerous accidents occur in walkers, and they are also responsible for many joint and leg difficulties. Play pens are better choices.
� Infant Feeders (large bottles designed to hold baby food) are dangerous and should not be used. Babies have been known to choke when fed through an infant feeder. Feed your infant with a spoon.
� Listen, always - if the baby has a separate room, keep his door open so you can hear changes in his regular sleep or play patterns.
� Sleepwear should be flame-retardant. Do not wash in soap flakes. This causes clothing to lose the ability to resist fire. If you use draw-string gowns, remove the string after the baby is 3 months to avoid choking.
� Talcum powder can cause respiratory problems. Use cornstarch instead.
� Bags hung on handles of strollers can make the stroller tip.
� Cribs and car seats should be bought new, not second-hand. Many safety changes are made with each new production. Don’t use a crib older than 5 years because it may not meet the current standards for crib construction. Buy a thick, tall bumper for the crib. Don’t use soft pillows, fluffy bedding, or lambskin.
� Sun can be very dangerous to a baby’s skin. Limit sun exposure to 15-30 minutes per day and always use a sunscreen with a minimum SPF of 15 (preferably 30-45). Skin cancer in later years is a common result of excessive sun exposure in childhood. Sunscreen should be applied at least 30 minutes before going outside.
� Baby-Proof Your Home.
• Remove small objects from the floor or other areas he can reach. (You may need to get on your hands and knees to look for potential dangers).
• All household cleaners, toxic materials, prescription as well as non-prescription medications should be locked and out of his reach.
• Pad sharp corners.
• Mount baby gates at the top and bottom of stairs. Babies are frequently injured going up and downstairs. Wall-mounted “pet-gates” are the same as “baby gates” but cost less.
• Mobiles should have strong, stable attachments; they tend to break.
4Session Toddler
13 to 24 Months
Introduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
What do you remember most about your grandparents?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for group members who have been faithful in coming, and in allowing God to work in their lives. Thank Him for what He has already revealed concerning godly parenting, and for what He will reveal in the coming weeks. Ask for wisdom and insight in hearing His voice.
This question may reveal some early memories. Hopefully, it also will remind each group member of the importance grandparents played in their lives. Perhaps some insights will be gained as to the role of their parents (the child’s grandparents) as they raise their child.
Self-Awareness
Toddlers tend to be very self-centered and to think that the world revolves around them. The most important parenting responsibility between 13 to 24 months is to help your child understand that she is unconditionally loved and accepted, and yet, that her behavior must meet certain standards. This is the age when she will begin to learn about boundaries and restrictions and the discipline she will incur if she violates those boundaries. In other words, she will begin to learn that the world does not revolve around her. You cannot love her too much, yet overindulgent parents who shun discipline can perpetuate the myth that the child is the center of the universe.
The keys to parenting at this age are consistency, vigilance and discipline/love.
Communication: Your toddler is not yet completely articulate, so will likely continue to express her needs by crying, pointing, and by 1-2 word requests. For example, “Me want......”, and “Me go ....” She will also learn the word “NO” and most likely begin to use it in every conceivable circumstance. Parents should try to avoid becoming exasperated as these words and demands are repeated over and over. She will soon learn which of her needs are valid and elicit a response from you, and which are not.
Allow 20-25 Minutes
For parents, the key to communicating with a 13-24 month old baby is time. Spend time with your child! Learn how she expresses her needs, learn her mannerisms and expressions, learn her way of asking for love and security. A commitment of time, especially at this age, cannot be overemphasized.
What steps can you take to ensure that you have quality time to spend with your child?
The tone of voice you use with your child is very important. Sternness and displeasure can be communicated without raising your voice or shouting.
Teaching/Training: The most effective teaching you can give your child is the example she sees you live. You have been commissioned by God to teach her godly behavior. Even though school and church may eventually help you with this task, the primary responsibility is yours.
At this age, your child will most likely respond to teaching through play. It is possible that you may push her to accomplish tasks before she is ready. You should encourage her and follow her lead. Reward and encourage her efforts. Make suggestions 1-2 times, and if she doesn’t follow through, drop the matter until a later date.
Play with her, spend time with her, love, hold and cuddle her. It is between the ages of 1-4 that she will learn about her value, about her importance as a person. Also, during this time she will develop her concept of God. If her parents are aloof and distant, she will come to see God in the same way. If her parents are harsh, she will think of God as harsh. If her parents are loving and caring, she will come to know God as a caring, loving heavenly Father who is approachable and safe to trust.
How was your concept of God influenced by your parents?
Some of these steps were discussed last week. Encourage your group members to recall specific steps, as well as to add additional ones this week.
List some steps you may take to have your child come to know Him as loving and caring?
Personal answers. Encourage group members to recall at least one concept of God that came directly from the way they were parented. Allow several to share.
Spend time with your child, protect her, discipline her with love, keep your promises, make her feel secure. Please note that none of these steps involve excessive and extravagant gifts.
Take her to church on a regular basis. Read Psalm 8:2 and Matthew 21:16. Picture Bibles are available for children this age and will allow her to have Scripture that is her own. You should have a consistent time for family Bible reading and prayer. Keep these times short (probably no more than 5-10 minutes) because an 18 month old’s attention span is very short. She needs to see her mother and father praying together and to be a part of that occasion. It is a good idea to allow her to sit in your lap during the family devotion time. A child’s spirit and soul can be taught quietness and worship. (Psalm 131:2) If your spouse is unable, or unwilling, to be a part of family prayer time, it is better for you to continue alone than to abandon the time entirely.
How easy, or difficult, will it be for you to set aside a consistent time for family devotions?
What steps can you take to accomplish this?
Personal answers.
Pray with your child each evening before she goes to bed, and again each morning if that is possible. She needs to learn to begin and end each day in God’s presence.
Children at this age become very picky eaters. Do not let your mealtimes become a battleground. Suggestions for handling this situation are found in Health Tips at the end of this chapter.
A toddler will usually begin to prefer a cup to a bottle between 13-24 months. If she still insists on her bottle by age 2, remedies will be discussed in the next chapter.
Do not try to toilet train your toddler before 22-24 months. Suggestions for this training will be made in the next chapter.
Consistency is the key to training a toddler. It is recommended that you have consistent “getting up” and “go to bed” times, consistent meal times, as well as consistent discipline. A child learns security through repetition and consistency! It is a good idea to read to your child for a short time before you put her to bed.
Discipline: It is at this early age your child begins to learn the principles of obedience and discipline. She must learn to
If you plan devotions in the morning, try to have each family member awake 15 minutes earlier. If you plan devotions in the evening, turn off the TV 30 minutes earlier. It is your commitment to consistency, and your commitment to daily devotions that will be the most important factor. If you allow everything else to crowd them out, you will most likely end up with no devotions at all.
have respect for authority in her life. (Read Exodus 20:12.) The person she learns to respect now is you, but that will carry over in the future to teachers, employers, pastors, and civic authorities (Titus 3:1, I Peter 2:13-14).
How can you begin to teach your child respect for authority?
The most important lesson, or principle, you can teach her is that discipline and love are the two sides of one coin. Love without boundaries and discipline is not really love. (Many overindulged children have testified that without parental discipline, without well marked and well enforced boundaries, they never knew that they were loved.) But discipline without love degenerates into punishment. (Do you remember the differences between discipline and punishment which were discussed in Week 1?)
Never discipline your child when you are angry. Bring your emotions under control before you confront her and administer discipline. It is suggested that each time you need to discipline, you say to her, “I love you. I love you too much to allow such bad behavior. You are not bad, but (list behavior) is not okay.” You can never love your child, or tell her that she is loved, too much.
Types of acceptable discipline at this age include spanking, isolation or “time-out”, and withdrawal of privileges. There is probably no occasion for spanking a child up to about 15 months, but by 15-18 months, willful defiance often begins to appear. By 15-18 months, a good, quick swat to the hand or buttocks area is entirely appropriate. Never hit your child with your fist, or with any object such as a belt or hairbrush. Never hit your child on her face, stomach or back. Techniques for disciplining the strong-willed child will be dealt with more thoroughly in the next chapter.
What type of discipline is best for your child? Whichever one works the best for her. Some children respond to a quick swat, others not at all. Generally, it is better to use a variety, a combination of types of discipline at different times and in different situations. Learn to adapt!
What are your views on discipline? How do you plan to implement them?
If you respect authority, she will also learn respect. If you disrespect authority, she will also learn disrespect. Exodus 20:12 implies that as a child honors her parents she will learn to honor God who is her ultimate authority.
Provision/Protection/Safety: If it is possible, you should continue to care for your child in your home. However, it is recognized that some caregivers must work and other
Personal answers. Encourage the group members to realize how many of their attitudes and views come from their parents, and the way they were disciplined.
childcare arrangements must be made. Use a commercial day care center as last resort. If you must use a day care center, choose carefully and check references, as well as obtain information from other parents who use the same center.
Continue to maintain a “child-proofed” home. Additional suggestions are given under Safety Tips at the end of this chapter.
Several common house plants are toxic to children. A complete list is given under Safety Tips.
Car seats, working smoke detectors and a smoke free environment continue to be necessary.
Sexual Issues: It is best to ignore genital play at this age, as your baby continues to “discover” herself.
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
The concept of discipline is one of the most important you will develop as a parent. Therefore, it is vital that we understand God’s attitude toward discipline. We know that God disciplines His children as He trains them in godly behavior. It is in this same manner, and with the same love, that we need to learn to discipline our own children as we train them in godly behavior. Psalm 89: 30-34 lets us see God’s heart as He says, “I will punish their sin with the rod…; but I will not take my love from him.”
Spiritual-Awareness
God never betrays His faithfulness to us, and we seek to give the same security to our children. Let us search the following Scriptures to learn God’s heart and mind concerning training and discipline.
Deuteronomy 11:18-21
Where are we to keep God’s law and words of teaching?
Allow 20-25 Minutes
When and how are we to teach them to our children?
Assign the following Scriptures to group members and ask them to read at the appropriate time.
In our hearts and in our minds and symbolically on our hands and foreheads. (These represent our actions and our thoughts.)
Talk about them when we are at home, when we are going about our daily activities, and when we lie down
Why does God instruct us to keep and teach His law?
Deuteronomy 32:2
How do we want our children to view our teaching and our training of them?
and when we get up. This basically covers the entire day. It should be apparent to all who look at us that we know and trust God’s law. It should be as obvious as if it were written on the doors of our homes.
That our days and the days of our children may be many.
It would be nice if our children welcomed our teaching as something they both need and want. If we learn to look at God’s teaching as rain, as showers on new grass, and share our enthusiasm with our children, they will most likely develop similar attitudes.
Psalm 37:8
Do you remember the difference between punishment and discipline? How does God look at one who gives way to anger and wrath, especially in dealing with children?
What are some types of evil that could come from consistently punishing your child in anger?
He instructs us to avoid anger and wrath, knowing that it leads to evil.
Your child could come to believe that she is worthless. She could become angry and stubborn, refusing to yield to your ‘discipline.’ You could even drive such a wedge that you child ceases to love and respect you. There is no place for anger and punishment in the discipline of your child.
Psalm 94:12-13
How does God look at the man He cares enough about to discipline?
Proverbs 1:8
God instructs our children to listen to our teaching, and to learn from it. If we teach them with love, and with consistency, and if we live godly lives before them, our children will most likely choose to hear and obey.
Proverbs 22:6
Why do we need to train our children?
Proverbs 22:19
This verse gives us another reason as to why God teaches us, and we should teach and train our children. What is it?
God calls him “blessed.” Our children are blessed if we care enough about them to discipline them consistently with love.
So they can grow into responsible adulthood. Even if they should choose to rebel for a few or many years our godly training will never leave them.
So that our trust and the trust of our children will be in God.
Joel 1:3
The godly heritage that we received from our parents is to be passed on to our children. They, in turn, are to pass it on to their children. If we did not receive a godly heritage from our parents, we can be taught directly by God Himself, and still pass on godliness to our own children. We may start the process.
Luke 4:32
Jesus’ teaching had authority, and as we teach our children in His name, our teaching will also have authority. We are the authority figures to our children, and we have the right and obligation to insist on obedience to our rules.
Application
State in your own words why children need godly discipline.
What methods did your parents use to discipline you? Were they effective? Why or why not? How will these methods affect your attitude toward disciplining your child?
What steps can you take to ensure that your child knows she is loved and accepted when the need for discipline arises?
Make this a part of your daily prayers, that you may receive truth from Him, and be able to pass it on to your children.
What are your sources of support, of wisdom and of strength, as you parent an active, growing infant?
Write a prayer to be used daily in behalf of your growing toddler.
Closing Prayer
Allow 20 Minutes
Personal answers. Encourage sharing.
Personal answers to all four parts to this question. Let at least 2 – 3 people share and encourage feedback.
Remind her that you are disciplining her because of her behavior. Remind her that she is loved even when her behavior is not acceptable. Once the discipline is over, drop the matter. Don’t keep reminding her of it.
Personal answers. Don’t let your group members forget to list the Holy Spirit as their chief source of support, strength and wisdom.
Personal. Allow time for members to share if they would like to do so.
Pray for any specific needs or requests which were verbalized during the sharing. Thank God for the Gift of the Holy Spirit, who is our comfort, our strength and our wisdom. Ask Him for wisdom and guidance as we discipline, and as we teach and train our children. Ask Him to make these lessons we are learning real to each member, and to bring them to mind often during the week.
GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT
Weight gain will average 5-6 lbs. (2.3 - 2.7 kg) during this year. Length will increase approximately 5 inches (12.5 cm.).
Teeth will total 14-16, with 8 usually appearing during this period. The order of appearance may be irregular.
Your child should:
Walk alone by 12-15 months.
Run stiffly by 18 months.
Climb stairs, one at a time, by 18 months.
Run well by 24 months.
Between 15 months and 2-3 years your child’s appetite will decrease, and she will begin to change from a plump baby to a more thin and muscular child.
Vocabulary is usually around 10 words by 18 months. She should be able to put 3-4 words together by 24 months.
HEALTH TIPS
Your child should continue to have regular physical checkups. Every three months is usual. Continue routine immunizations.
Whole milk is appropriate by 12 months. Do not use 2% or skim milk. The baby needs the additional fat at this stage of her growth. Vitamins are usually added on a daily basis after whole milk is started. Check with your physician to see if vitamins with fluoride are indicated in your area.
Your toddler should be able to use utensils to feed herself between 18-24 months.
Chronic ear infections are frequently caused by putting a child to bed with a bottle or by exposure to passive cigarette smoke in the home.
Children are very picky eaters at this age. Offer a balanced diet, but do not try to force feedings. Understand that she has likes and dislikes and on some days will eat more than others. At meal times, to avoid a battle you likely will lose, remove her plate after a reasonable amount of time. Do not allow treats or snacks before the next meal time. A child will not ”starve” or otherwise harm herself by refusing food, if a normal variety and amount are available.
SAFETY TIPS
Car seats should be in the forward position, facing the front of the car. Use seats and belts approved for children up to 40 lbs.
Bath times require supervision. Never leave a toddler unattended during a bath.
Constant supervision is required for your toddler. She is very mobile at this age.
Choking may be caused by small removable objects of toys, clothes, or play equipment. Check, and remove them if necessary.
Common house plants can be very toxic to your child if she chews or eats them. Set them out of her reach. The common plants implicated in poisonings are philodendron, poinsettia, pepper plant, jade plant, holly berries, schefflera, peace lily, poison ivy, african violet, rhododendron, azalea, chrysanthemum, spider plant, aloe, rubber plant, and mistletoe. If you have a question about a plant not on this list, it is a good idea to check with the Poison Control Center in your area.
IPECAC should be in your medicine cabinet, but do not use except on the advice of a physician or pharmacist. A small bottle of IPECAC (which will cause a child to vomit) can be purchased in any pharmacy.
Keep certain telephone numbers handy: M.D., poison control, pharmacy, as well as fire, police, and ambulance services (if 911 service is not available in your area).
Never back your car out of the driveway without checking to see if your toddler is in the way.
If you have a pool or hot tub it should be fenced and the gate locked at all times. Both should be covered when not in use. Don’t leave buckets or coolers with as much as 6 inches of water where your child can accidentally fall in and drown.
Install window guards or bars when you toddler is old enough to climb on to the window sill. A screen cannot prevent a toddler from falling out of the window.
Never leave your toddler in a car unattended.
CHILD-PROOFING
When your child starts to crawl, take a tour of your house from his perspective to discover what needs child-proofing. Here’s a room-to-room guide to start with:
Living room/family room:
• Cover electrical outlets.
• Secure lamp cords so they can’t be pulled down.
• Anchor floor lamps, or remove them.
• Cover controls on the television, stereo, VCR.
• Cushion sharp corners on coffee tables, piano benches, hearths.
• Display breakables out of baby’s reach, or put them away for a few years.
• Reorganize bookshelves (toddlers love to empty these, tearing covers and dust jackets).
Dining room/eating area:
• Push chairs all the way under the table to prevent climbing.
• Install latches on drawers or cabinets that hold breakable dishes.
• Push items on the tabletop to the center.
• Fold tablecloth corners under, out of grabbing distance.
Bathroom:
• Medicines, razors, pins, cosmetics, nail polish and remover, scissors, etc., must be out of reach.
• Medicines should have safety caps.
• Medicine cabinet should be kept latched.
• Tub faucets should be padded.
• Place a non-skid mat in the tub.
• Rugs should have non-skid backings.
• Keep the toilet seat down and latched. (Children can drown in toilets.)
• Use plastic cups and soap dishes, not glass or ceramic.
• Keep the bathroom door shut.
Kitchen:
• Store knives out of reach.
• Unplug small appliances. Don’t leave cords dangling.
• Store cleaners, solvents, bleaches, dishwasher detergent, etc., out of baby’s reach in a latched cabinet.
• Cook on the back burners and turn pot handles toward the back.
• Store breakables, things baby can choke on, and other dangerous objects out of reach.
Remember that toddlers can climb onto kitchen counters.
• Use unbreakable dishes when baby is around.
• Store plastic bags out of reach.
• Keep hot drinks where baby can’t grab at them, and away from the edge of a table or counter.
Windows and doors:
• Keep sliding glass doors closed, or keep the screens locked.
• Place decals at toddler eye level on glass doors.
• Lock windows and be sure the screens are secure.
• Shorten the cords on draperies and blinds to get them up out of children’s reach.
• Use netting to enclose the rails on balconies or porches so that the baby can’t squeeze through.
COMMON EMERGENCIES
Burns – from floor furnaces, pulling hot liquid from the stove, fireplaces, or fire. Place a cold water pack on the burned area, or immerse in cool water, and contact your physician immediately. Falls – with head injuries, long bone and collar bone injuries being the most common.
Poisonings – commonly by medicines, household cleaners and plants. Call your physician or poison control center immediately.
Convulsions – call an ambulance.
Choking – most commonly on play items, hot dogs, peanuts, raisins or M&Ms. Call an ambulance. Begin Heimlich maneuver.
Automobile accidents – these may involve the child as a passenger or a child hit by a car.
5Session
Child
25 to 36 Months
Introduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
What is your first remembrance of God? Where did it come from?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for each person present. Thank Him for their desire to be godly parents. Ask Him to be the Guide for the group session, and ask that each member have an open heart to the lessons that He wishes to teach.
Go around the group and ask each member to share briefly. Help them to recognize the early age at which they became aware of God. This should encourage them to share God and His love with their children at a very early age. If the memories of God were from parents, grandparents or church, this can encourage them to use all the means and people in their lives to share God with their children.
S elf-Awareness
The ages from 24-36 months have been called the “terrible twos,” but if you use consistent godly parenting skills these months do not need to be “terrible” at all.
The most important parenting concerns at this age continue to be discipline/love and training. Your child is now completely mobile. In fact, he never seems to slow down or stop. He asks endless questions and shows unlimited curiosity about everything in his world. It takes a real commitment to consistency during these next few years and frequently requires more energy that you feel you have. DON’T GIVE UP! Galatians 6:9 reminds us not to grow weary in well doing. You may not see the fruits of your efforts at training and discipline at this time, but they are being formed and imprinted in your child’s spirit. Love him consistently, even when he is exasperating. Deal with his misbehavior consistently and quickly, even if this interferes with your plans. Train him and live before him as consistently as possible.
Communication: Your child is now verbal, perhaps more verbal than you would like him to be. Communicate with him using short, simple sentences. Communicate boundaries so he is certain what is required of him. Communicate love
Allow 20 – 25 Minutes
through your words, your tone, your hugs, and the time you spend with him. Do not use baby talk. He is no longer an infant and should not be treated as though he were.
It is good to have a set time each day (at least 1/2 - 1 hour) that you spend exclusively with your child. Read to him. Talk to him. By this, he comes to understand that he is important and valuable.
List some other ways you can communicate to your child that he is loved and important.
Teaching/Training: At this early age, you begin to teach your child how to live in the world. You teach him, as always, through words, through demonstration, through your example, and through discipline and love.
The bottle should be gone be age 2. If it is not, one technique you can use is discussed in Health Tips at the end of this chapter.
Toilet training should begin by 2. Most children will be ready by this time. Take him to the “potty seat” approximately 30 minutes after breakfast (after the evening meal is acceptable, but a.m. is best), and let him sit there for a maximum of 5 - 10 minutes. Explain to him what you would like him to do. Stay with him. Read or talk to him so that the time is pleasant. If he produces, encourage and otherwise reward him. If not, do not be disapproving or punish or shame him. Remove him from the seat and resume your normal daily activities. Try again the next a.m. If you repeat this process for 3-4 weeks and have no positive results, stop the training completely, and only take him to the toilet if he asks. Resume training after a 3 month wait. With consistency, and a lack of coercion, most children will be toilet trained by two and a half to three years. Do not make toilet training a battle of wills–you will lose! The best way to teach a boy toddler to urinate in the toilet is for Dad (or other male role model figure) to demonstrate. Children are great imitators.
Don’t make mealtimes a battle ground. Your child should remain at the table until the family has finished eating. Offer food, but do not force it. If your child refuses to eat, do not give snacks later, but only offer food again at the next meal time. You are now establishing your child’s eating habits for the rest of his life.
Don’t spend much time correcting a child’s grammar at this age. Read to him a great deal and he will learn.
You may tell him in words, in many different ways. You may tell him by treating him with respect, even when it is necessary to discipline. You may tell him by listening to his opinions. You may tell him by choosing to spend time with him.
Limit TV time. Read to him. Play with him. Play is an excellent way for him to expend energy, as well as to learn coordination. Encourage family time, family outings. Park playgrounds are excellent places for a child this age, but never, even for one moment, leave him unsupervised.
Continue regular church attendance(1 Samuel 1:21). The 2-3 year old child will usually have a Sunday School Class he can attend with others his age. Continue family prayer time on a regular basis. Allow your child to participate by choosing Bible stories for you to read, or by asking questions. Pray with your child before you put him to bed, and again in the morning. Teach him to pray in his own words.
What are some things you would like to see your child pray for?
Teach your child right from wrong(Ezekiel 44:23). The ages from 2 to 3 are the most important for him to begin to have a concept of right and wrong and to learn obedience. It is nice if he can understand why he must comply, but it is not necessary. Obedience is still required (Proverbs 29:19). At this age you need to teach him respect for himself and respect for the authorities in his life. You are laying the foundations for godly behavior as well as the foundation for an eventual healthy personal relationship with God.
Discipline: It is at this age that the strong-willed child becomes very apparent. A “willful” child is defined as one who is stubborn, defiant or rebellious. Discipline/love, given consistently, continue to be the cornerstones in his godly training. You lay the foundation for a well-behaved child by establishing your authority and disciplining him when he disobeys the rules or violates the boundaries you have set. You establish your authority through consistency, discipline, and love. Ask your child, request one time, for the behavior you desire. If ignored, discipline. Your child needs to learn that you mean what you say the first time.
Why do you think parents find this so difficult to do on a consistent basis?
Encourage members of the group to share their own answers to this question. Some possible answers include family members, a specific desire (this teaches your child that God is his source), peace (he might phrase it, ”Let people love each other, and stop hurting each other”).
When your child has a tantrum or other misbehavior in public, it is preferable to remove him from the situation immediately. This may mean that you have to walk away from a shopping basket, or leave errands unattended. The consis-
Parents tend to be involved in their own activities, and it takes a real commitment to consistency to put down whatever they are doing and deal with a disobedient child. Also, by the time they have dealt with the same situation ten times in one day, it’s much easier to ignore misbehavior than to deal with it again and again
tent training of your child in godly behavior is more important. Explain to him why you are leaving, even though he may not understand. Then, discipline (your chosen method) at the earliest moment you are in a private place (example: car or home). Never spank your child in public. The purpose of discipline is to train in appropriate behavior, never to humiliate.
Again, a swat with your open hand to his hand or buttocks is very appropriate. Never use an object such as a belt or hairbrush or your fist to discipline your child. Some authorities prefer the use of a switch to your hand. If you can control your emotions and the force of the licks to the degree that only a slight stinging is produced, a switch is acceptable. Otherwise, it is better to use your hand. The general rule to remember here is that if discipline leaves a mark, it was too hard. It is also very appropriate to reward and encourage good behavior and to withdraw privileges and/or isolate (“time out”) for misbehavior. You will probably find that using a variety of methods of discipline is more effective.
What are some ways you can evaluate the effectiveness of your discipline?
When training and disciplining a strong-willed child it is best to decide which boundaries, which behaviors, are not negotiable and enforce those limits consistently. It is imperative that both parents agree here, or the child will learn to pit one parent against the other. Don’t allow your home, and every hour of your day to become a battle of wills. Allow wide latitude in choices and in behavior where you can, but some behavior is absolutely not acceptable, and some boundaries absolutely must not be crossed. Enforce thoseconsistently - and with love. When discipline is necessary, tell him that you love him unconditionally, and always will and that he is important and valuable and accepted, but that he is being disciplined because his behavior was not acceptable. No parent of a strong-willed child should be without Dr. James Dobson’s book, The Strong Willed Child
Do not expect quick results! You may not see the fruit of your training and discipline for many years. Again, read Galatians 6:9. Do not grow weary in well doing!
Provision/Protection/Safety: Continue to maintain a babyproofed home and provide constant supervision. A 2-3 year old child’s mobility makes him a prime candidate for severe accidents.
A Mother’s Day Out program may be considered here for one or two half days a week. This can provide needed socialization skills for your child, as well as give you a much needed break in your week.
The best way you can evaluate its effectiveness is to see a behavior change in your child. But, even if you do not see an immediate change, if you are convinced that your methods are effective and godly, continue them. Strong-willed children may go several years before they have an overt change in their behavior. Don’t be afraid to change your methods of discipline to fit a specific situation.
Sexual Issues: Masturbation is very common at this age. Do not spank or shame your child, or in any way appear horrified. Simply remove his hand from his diaper, underwear, or pajamas. Do not allow this behavior in public. As you would train your child not to urinate in a public place, also teach him that masturbation is not acceptable in public.
This is a good age to begin to teach your child about sexual abuse issues. A good time to have the discussion is during the bath time. Use a calm, quiet voice, and simply teach him about inappropriate areas of his body for any other person to touch. A sample conversation could be, “Has anyone ever tried to touch you here? If anyone ever tries to touch you here (or if anyone hurts you, or does something that makes you uncomfortable) come and tell me right away. You have a right to say “NO” to anyone who tries to touch you.” Areas covered by a bathing suit are private areas! Teach your child to protect himself.
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
What steps can you take to help prevent sexual abuse of your child?
S
piritual-Awareness
Your child is growing older and is developing a personality all his own. Ephesians 6:1-4 teaches us that a child’s responsibility to his parents is obedience and honor. A parent’s responsibility to a child is to bring him up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
We again want to search the Scriptures to find more of God’s thoughts concerning godly training and godly discipline.
Deuteronomy 31:13
What does God say about children who do not know His law, who have not received instruction in godly living?
Make sure that he knows he has the right to say ”no” if someone makes him uncomfortable. Check out prospective baby-sitters and day care centers very carefully. Enlist another trusted adult to watch out for your child when he is not with you. Never leave him alone in a public place, even for a few minutes.
Allow 20 – 25 Minutes
Job 6:24
A lack of understanding frequently leads to rebellion and misbehavior. Job asked God to “teach” him, and he would accept the teaching, he would be “quiet.”
Assign the following verses.
They must hear it, and they must learn to fear the Lord. If they are to be His children, and live in His land, under His protection, they must hear, and learn God’s law. Make sure that your teaching and your requirements are completely understood. Allow your child to ask all the questions that he desires, but let him know that his obedience is still necessary.
Psalm 94:12-13
In these verses we find yet another reason for the godly discipline of our children. Can you put this reason in your own words?
Psalm 103:13
Can you relate this verse to the lessons we have been learning concerning discipline and training?
Proverbs 6:20-23
How are God’s commandments a lamp to you? How can your teaching and training be a light for your child?
A child who has been disciplined by godly parents is generally less likely to fall into trouble, especially the trouble that undisciplined children frequently find themselves in.
Discipline should always be carried out with compassion and never in anger.
They show us the safe way to go, they point out the pitfalls and help us to avoid them. They are for our good, our protection. Our training should provide the same light for our children.
Proverbs 13:24
The “rod” in this verse refers to godly discipline. Nowhere in Scripture do we see abuse of our children, beating of our children, advocated. Again, we see love and discipline completely intertwined. Love without discipline is not love! Discipline without love is not discipline, but punishment.
Proverbs 19:18, 23:13-14
Each of these verses speak of a lack of discipline as leading to death. What does this mean to you?
Proverbs 22:15
What does God say is bound up in the heart of a child?
Personal answers. Encourage the group members to recognize not only physical death, but also emotional and spiritual death.
Folly. The mind of unregenerate man (and child), naturally leans toward wickedness. Children, (and we as well), always seem to desire what is not good for them. Discipline is absolutely necessary in order to teach a child right from wrong.
Proverbs 29:15,17
The lack of discipline brings what? The presence of discipline leads to what?
The lack leads to disgrace, the presence leads to peace and delight.
Why are these months called the “terrible twos?”
Allow 20 Minutes
A two year old is completely mobile, and seems to always to be on the move. He has been referred to as a perpetual motion machine. He knows no fear, and will run into the street, or jump into a lake or pool, or drink a bottle of paint thinner as soon as your back is turned. He must be supervised at all times.
Another reason these years are called the “terrible twos” is that your child is learning the word “No” and feels the need to push at each boundary you have set. His behavior can be exasperating.
What steps can you take to ensure a rewarding (rather than “terrible”) year?
How has God disciplined you in your life?
As a parent, can you apply His methods to your children? Specifically, how?
God combines discipline and love. Do you have a hard time reconciling these two concepts?
How can Psalm 103:13 and Proverbs 23:13 help you?
How can church attendance and church relationships help you as you parent?
Be vigilant. Set and enforce reasonable boundaries. Discipline consistently and with a great deal of love. Create safe ways for him to work off his boundless energy and to satisfy his endless curiosity.
Personal answers.
Study His Word so you are very familiar with His methods, pray without ceasing for wisdom in applying discipline and practice consistency.
Personal answers.
God’s discipline is always given with compassion and with love. Love without discipline is not real love. Failure to discipline can never be associated with love since it may lead to “death.”
The more godly relationships you have with other parents, the more reinforcement you can receive. You can receive (and give) encouragement when you are discouraged, help when you are overwhelmed, support when you are fearful, and simply a sounding-board when you need to think out loud. Godly teaching and preaching can give you encouragement and reinforcement as you deal with daily difficulties in parenting.
Write a prayer expressing your needs as a parent and your hopes and dreams for your child.
Closing Prayer
HEALTH TIPS
Healthy 2-3 year olds should continue to have routine physical checkups, usually every 6 months. You may want to discontinue use of a crib by age 2 (if you have not done so already). A junior bed is appropriate.
If your child still insists on having a bottle by age 2, steps should be taken to remedy this situation. You and your toddler walk through your house - let him pick up all of his bottles and drop them in a garbage sack. During the walk, tell him he is now a big boy, and big boys drink from cups, not bottles. Then, the two of you walk outside and let him deposit the sack in the trash. Or drive to a landfill or other dumping site and allow him to leave the sack there. That night, when he cries for his bottle, you can remind him of the day’s activities. Truly, there are no bottles in the house for you to give him. In order for you to give in, you would have to go out and purchase a new bottle for him.
GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT
Weight gain during this year is approximately 4-5 lbs (2.0 kg.).
Gain in height is 2.5 - 3.5 inches (6-8 cm.).
• You might want to use the Growth Charts in the Resource Section of the manual for more complete information about height and weight.
Your child will usually have a full set of 20 teeth by 2 1/2 years. By this age, children are beginning to lose much of their baby fat and to have relatively lean bodies. By 3, your child should be able to climb stairs, alternating his feet.
Personal
By now in the group sessions you might want to ask for volunteers to pray. Encourage them to participate in this way, but do not call on any specific person unless he/she volunteers.
SAFETY TIPS
Continue child proofing suggestions made previously, smoke detectors (replace batteries yearly), a smoke free environment.
Continue supervising all play.
Avoid calling medicine candy. Use child resistant tops and keep out of reach of your child at all times.
Car seats are placed in the forward position. Use seats approved for a child from 20-40 lbs. Adjust the straps to his height. Do not use a car seat in the front seat of any car with a passenger-side air bag.
Continue to be very aware of pool dangers. Drowning is a common cause of death in this age child.
Continue to check carefully before you back your car.
Keep the gates and fences to your yard locked so your child does not have unsupervised access to the street.
Tricycles are a common source of accidents. Do not allow your child to ride in the yard, in the driveway, or on the sidewalk unless a responsible adult is present.
If you have guns in your home, they should be placed out of the reach of your child. Keep all guns unloaded, with ammunition stored in a separate place.
If you must use a commercial day care center:
• Check local licensing agencies to be sure that the program is reputable. Ask about past complaints.
• Drop in unannounced on several occasions.
• Be sure the center knows who will pick up your child each day. Do not allow the release of your child to anyone other than someone you have authorized to do so.
• Keep informed about any activities planned outside the center grounds. Don’t allow your child to leave the premises without your express consent.
3 to 5 years 6Session
Pre-School
ntroduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
As a child, what was you favorite holiday? Why?
Can this question make us more aware of the way we celebrate holidays with our children?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for each person present. Recognize and thank Him for His presence among you. Ask Him for insight and wisdom and guidance during the session. Praise Him for His faithfulness.
As each member shares note that we can learn a great deal about the circumstances of a person’s childhood by looking at this particular question.
There will likely be happy, as well as unhappy answers to this question. By this time in the group sessions, there should begin to be a deeper level of sharing as the members become more comfortable with each other. Bonding in these groups through shared memories as well as shared experiences and difficulties can build lifetime friendships.
Self-Awareness
By this age your child has developed a definite personality of her own. She is very verbal, very mobile and very curious. She has facial expressions and verbal expressions and mannerisms that are all her own. She has likes and dislikes and ways of responding to situations that are different than any other child. No two children are alike! By 24-36 months you will need to adapt your general parenting skills to fit the special needs and circumstances of your child.
Why do you think that you should not compare her to other children?
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Because in some areas she will likely be ahead of others and you will tend to be proud, and in other areas she may be behind others and you will lean toward depression. If she is behind where you want her to be you may tend to push, and in other ways communicate that she is not okay.
Again, consistency, discipline, love, and godly training continue to be of prime importance. Encourage her to develop in her own way, at her own speed. Also, be constantly aware of the example you live before her. A 3-5 year old child is able to recognize hypocrisy and inconsistency when it is present.
Communication: Consistent family meal times are important at this age. Encourage your child to take part in family discussions - to share her experiences or feelings. Listen to her concerns and opinions. She will begin to learn that she is a valuable, important member of your family.
Can you think of some questions you could ask your child at meal time to draw her into the conversation?
Give short, simple answers to her questions. Avoid giving detailed answers to simple questions. Sometimes it is helpful to ask, “Why do you want to know …?” Her answer will probably give you insight into what she is really asking.
Communicate at eye level where possible. This can give your child a sense of value and security.
Teaching/Training: Use examples from real life to teach your child (Job 12:7-8). She is naturally curious and will learn many of life’s lessons in this manner.
Chores are excellent ways to train your child to be responsible. If you have a pet, an age-specific responsibility would be for her to give the pet fresh water daily. Also, it would be very reasonable to ask her to pick up her toys at the end of each day. Help her to remember her responsibilities and chores. Do not do them for her!
This is a good time to introduce your child to the concept of money. You might want to give her $.10 - $.25 each week. Buy a clear plastic piggy-bank so she can have the pleasure of saving her money and watching it accumulate. Allow her to spend small amounts as she pleases. It is not too early to teach her the principles of tithing. Once a month, let her take 10% of the money she has put into her bank and take it to the church service. Allow her to drop the coin into the plate (Proverbs 22:6).
Continue regular church attendance (Luke 2:41). She can be in a Sunday School class with her age group. Continue family prayer times. Allow her to participate by choosing readings and by praying. Continue evening and morning prayers. Teach her to pray in her own words.
Encourage the group members to participate in answering this question. Some sample questions that any parent can use are, “Why do you think…?”, or “What do you think would happen if…?”, or “How did that make you feel?”, or “Tell me what you think about …”
If there is time, have a group member read Job 12:7-8 out loud.
Begin Scripture memorization. An excellent verse to begin with is 1 John 4:8 - “God is love.” Ask her what that verse means to her. Encourage and reward her efforts.
List several other verses which you might want to have her memorize. God tells us to fill the child’s mind and her environment with instructions and thoughts of Him. (Deuteronomy. 6:6-9).
Teach your child her phone number and her address. (See Safety Tips)
Buy blank sheets of paper, crayons, pens and rulers. Encourage her creativity.
Remember, the best way to train your child is by your example. Children are great imitators, and her behavior will likely mimic yours.
TV watching should be minimal. You might buy several acceptable videos and watch them with her. Read to her. A suggested reading list for this age child is found in the Additional Resources section at the end of this manual. Do not use the TV as a baby-sitter. Plan family times and outings together.
How much TV do you watch in a week? Do you need to make changes?
Discipline: Continue the previously discussed methods of discipline, varying the discipline to meet the need. By this age, you may be able to use more “time outs”, and withholding of privileges, and less spanking. Adapt your methods and frequency of discipline to your child. Enforce the boundaries you have set. Remind her, “You’re OK. You’re loved. But what you did is not acceptable.”
Which methods of discipline are the most acceptable to you? Do you find them effective?
Don’t forget that the purpose of discipline is not just to eliminate bad behavior, but to teach good behavior.
Provision/Protection/Safety: A Mother’s Day Out program for 1-2 days a week can give your child needed social skills. If you use a commercial day care center, refer back to Safety Tips included in last week’s material, before choosing.
Your child may be ready for more formal schooling by this time. You must use your judgment as to her state of readiness. The Montessori programs, where each child is allowed to advance at her own pace, can be very helpful.
Begin to look at schooling issues. Look at public schools and private Christian schools, as well as home-schooling. (Advocates of home-schooling suggest that you teach your
Personal answers. Examples, “The Lord is my shepherd,” or “I will never leave you or forsake you.”
Personal answers.
Personal answers.
child at home until she is about 10 years old). Decisions will need to be made during this 2 year period about the type school you want for your child. Consider your needs and abilities as well as those of your child. Some parents should not attempt to home-school their children.
What do you know about these various options? What do you need to do to become better informed? The National Home Education Network (nhen.org) has information available for any parents who are considering home-schooling their child.
Sexual Issues: By age 3, children understand the differences in gender and are beginning to call themselves boys or girls. Help your child to be proud of who he/she is and to be happy with his/her gender.
Also, by now, children are asking pointed questions about their bodies, about the origin of babies, about adult sexual characteristics (example-breast development). Be prepared to answer honestly, yet simply. Do not shrug off her questions. Use appropriate names for body parts (example, vagina, penis, breast) and not slang terms.
How would you answer your 4 year old’s questions about the origin of babies?
Personal answers. Some of the best information will come from parents who have children in the various schooling programs. They are very aware of the pros and cons of each situation.
Continue to teach about inappropriate touch (bathing suit area) and remind her to come to you if anyone makes her feel uncomfortable with his or her touch.
Masturbation continues to be common as children discover and explore their bodies. This is not a cause for alarm. Do not allow in public places, but avoid condemning or shaming her. If left alone, she will usually discontinue this practice within 1-2 years. It is a good idea to require children to wear their pajamas at night.
Sex play between children is common and normal at this age as they discover and investigate their differences. Do not let this play cross reasonable boundaries. Do not let anyone make your child uncomfortable by this type “play.” When older children are involved, the “play” can easily turn to abuse. Set boundaries, and enforce them in a firm, loving way. Avoid letting your emotions dictate your response.
Ask your group members to take turns answering this question. A sample answer would be “the baby grows inside Mommy.” No other information is needed for a 4 year old. If she persists, and wants to know how it got there… “Daddy and Mommy love each other very much and a part of Daddy joined with a part of Mommy to make the baby.”
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
By the time our children are between 3 and 5 years, they have become very inquisitive and discerning. They want to know how everything works, and why? “Why” becomes their most repeated question. They are aware of hypocrisy in their world and in their homes. In the midst of the busy schedule of child-raising, God asks each of us to take time to make sure our own priorities are in order and that our relationship with Him is as it should be. Our children are now discerning enough to know if we live the truths that we are teaching them.
How is your relationship with God? Are there areas of your life that you and He need to work on together? Do you need a deeper commitment to His truth? You cannot pass anything on to your children that you do not have yourself.
Spiritual-Awareness
Let us let God speak to our own hearts through the following Scriptures and let us allow Him to draw us ever closer and closer to Himself.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20
God sets before each of us a choice, the choice of life or death, the choice of blessings or curses. Why is it so very important that we choose life, that we choose Him?
Have you chosen Him? If not, you might want to consider making that commitment. Or you might want to simply recommit yourself to Him, and ask for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Him.
Deuteronomy 32:46-47
Other than our own relationship to Him, why is it so very important that we, as parents, take all of His words into our hearts?
Matthew 18:10-11
It is dangerous to look down upon a child, to treat with disdain or to abuse. The angels who watch over each child are constantly in God’s supreme presence. It is foolish to think that we can mistreat or abuse our children and that no one will ever know. God always knows.
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Assign Scriptures to group members.
So that we and our children may live. So that we will be able to love God, to be able to listen to and hear His voice. So that we may hold fast to Him. So that He will be our life.
Be prepared to explain the plan of salvation if you’re asked. Be prepared to pray with any member who would like to stay after the class time to pray.
So that you may command your children to obey carefully. It is difficult to command obedience from your children when your own life is rooted in disobedience.
Luke 2:51-52
These verses describe a portion of the parent-child relationship. What is the child’s part?
What is the parent’s part?
What is the result of this godly interaction?
Our children should grow not only physically (stature), but also intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually (wisdom). All parents desire that their children have godly relationships with other people as well as with God.
Obedience
The parent is the receiver of the obedience and treasures and holds the child carefully in his/her heart.
The child grows in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.
I Corinthians 11:23
It should be obvious that we cannot pass anything on to our children that we have not received ourselves. Is there anything that you need to receive from God?
2 Timothy 1:5
Faith is passed from generation to generation. It comes through you to your children. Do you have faith sufficient to give to your children? If not, what do you need to do about that?
Wisdom? Forgiveness? Strength? Salvation?
Personal response.
2 Timothy 3:16
What is the best source we have as we teach our children?
How can you pass on Scripture to your child if you do not know it yourself?
Titus 2:7-8
Our lives are the examples that our children will see. In view of that fact, how does Paul suggest that we live?
Application
Did your parents ever embitter or exasperate you? How? What did they do?
What can you do to keep from exasperating your child?
Scripture
You can’t.
Doing what is good, showing integrity, seriousness, soundness of speech.
Allow 20 Minutes
Personal answers. Encourage sharing. Live a godly life before her, practice consistency in all of your dealings with her.
What type of school did you attend? Public? Christian?
How did it affect your value system? Your spiritual life?
What type of school do you want your child to attend? Why?
Can you think of advantages and disadvantages of sending your child to a public school?
Personal response.
Personal response.
Personal response.
Advantages: to expose her to all types of people, to prepare her for all of the different types of people she will live with for the rest of her life. Cost may also be a factor.
Disadvantages: no prayer allowed, focus on secular rather than godly values, ungodly peer pressures, sex education taught without a moral basis.
To a Christian School?
Home Schooling?
Which of these reasons is most important to you and why?
Are you comfortable talking about sexual issues with your child? Why or why not?
What steps could you take to overcome your discomfort?
Write a prayer for your pre-schooler. Commit his ways and his life into God’s care.
Advantages: prayer present, biblical values taught, sex education taught with a moral basis, less likely exposure to weapons, gangs.
Disadvantages: less exposure to various ethnic groups in our society and therefore less understanding and tolerance.
Advantages: more bonding between parent and child, education to proceed at the child’s own pace, less exposure to ungodly peer pressure.
Disadvantages: Note that all parents are not equipped to home-school their children and all children are not equipped to be home-schooled. Also, less social interaction with other children.
Personal response.
Personal response.
Practice discussions with a friend before talking with your child. Read material suggesting age-specific responses.
Personal response.
Closing Prayer
Thank God for His gift of salvation. Thank Him for the ways that He has taught us, so that we can, in turn, teach our children. Thank Him for being the source of our wisdom, our strength, our faith. Ask for His guidance and involvement as we pass these lessons on to our children.
GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT
Weight gain continues at an average of 4-5 lbs. (2.0 kg.) per year.
Height continues to increase an average of 2.5 - 3.5 inches (6-8 cm.) per year.
By this age your child can:
• Climb stairs, using alternating feet3 years
• Climb down stairs using alternating feet - 4 years
• Count 3 objects correctly - 3 years
• Count 4 objects correctly - 4 years
• Count 10 or more objects correctly5 years
• State his/her age and gender - 3-4 years
• She will add hundreds of words to her vocabulary every year.
SAFETY TIPS
Continue safety precautions as outlined in previous weeks.
Continue previously discussed precautions concerning commercial day care centers.
Car seats: Use booster seats with shields if only a lap belt is available. Booster seats without shields are acceptable if both lap and shoulder belts are available.
Practice vigilant bicycle safety. Do not allow your child to ride in the street. Begin the habit of requiring a helmet at all times.
Teach your child her full name, address and telephone number (including area code). Teach her how to make emergency telephone calls from home as well as from public pay phones.
HEALTH TIPS
Continue routine physical checkups, about every 6 months. There are repeat immunizations which should be given by age 5.
Begin dental checkups by age 3.
If your child has a stutter, or any other speech problem, you should seek professional help by or during the 3rd year.
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder— hyperactivity) behavior begins to be apparent during these ages. If your child is unable to sit still even when something holds her interest, (i.e. cartoon videos) for greater than 10 minutes, you should consult your physician. If your child is diagnosed with ADD it is helpful to have treatment begun before she starts to school. Be aware - ADD is a much overused term, and an over-diagnosed condition. Be sure before you treat, but do not withhold treatment if it is necessary. ADD is found in 4 times as many boys as girls.
7Session
School Age
6 to 10 Years
Part I - Introduction
Introduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
Do you remember your first day at school? What do you remember about it?
Self-Awareness
Your child has now entered an entirely new phase of his life. He attends school and has new authorities and new rules he is expected to obey. His horizons are expanding. He will make new friends and face new challenges. It is your task and privilege to guide him during these times of change. Be his source of security, his source of information, his source of love. You will watch and teach and guide as he grows in stature as well as in favor with God and man. (1 Samuel 2:26). He will likely be more quiet and shy than in the past. This is a normal change.
The key to parenting during the school-age years is encouragement! Consistent discipline and training remain important, but it is through encouragement, not pushing, that your child will grow to like himself and to be all he can be.
Communication: Your child is now completely verbal but will also communicate with you using “body language.” Learn to interpret what he is saying to you and respond appropriately.
List several examples of how a child could communicate with you using body language.
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for each member present. Thank Him for their commitment and faithfulness. Thank Him for His gift of salvation and for His gifts of love and wisdom. Ask that His wisdom would be shown during this session. Ask for His guidance. Thank Him for His presence.
The answers to this question should give the group members some insight into the fears, apprehensions and expectations of their school-age child.
Allow 20-25 Minutes
He might say, “Things went okay at school,” yet there are tears in his eyes. He might say, “I’m not angry,” as he clenches and unclenches his fist. He may express insecurity by just needing a hug.
The best time for family communication is meal times. Ask him questions. Respect his opinion even if you don’t agree. Ask why he feels the way he does and offer alternatives. If he goes outside your home to school, talk to him each day about what he has learned, not only in the classroom, but also from his friends. If he reports questionable information or behavior or attitudes help him think through the situation. Help him to apply what he knows of right and wrong.
Teaching/Training: Although school is now an integral part in the teaching of your child, you remain his ultimate authority. Don’t neglect his training during these years. God has appointed you as his parent, as his authority, and you must continue to make choices and decisions that will affect his well being. Now you may begin to allow him more freedom in other choices. Even when he makes bad ones he will gain valuable insights and a deeper understanding of consequences.
A school age child should be given definite chores, or responsibilities, in your home. Chores appropriate for this age would be carrying out the garbage, making his bed, clearing the table. You might consider offering payment for additional chores. It is a good way to teach him the value of work. His basic duties should not be compensated. He needs to learn that he is expected to help simply because he is a part of the family.
At 5-6 years, you might want to start a weekly allowance if you have not done so already. An amount of $.50 - $1.00 is appropriate. Encourage him to save one portion, to tithe one portion, and allow him to choose how he uses the remainder. It is a good idea to have him buy an occasional small piece of his clothing (example: underwear) or to buy gifts for his friends out of his portion so that he can learn the value of money. Teach and encourage generosity. (Proverbs 11:2425, John 6:8-9). By age 9 or 10, it is helpful to let your child open his own bank account, in his name. Find a bank which will waive the usual service charge on accounts this size. A way to encourage his saving is to offer each month to match the money he has deposited. He can learn to save for specific items, or specific occasions, as well as begin to learn delayed gratification. His own bank account can be a source of great pride to your child and can go a long way in promoting responsibility.
Teach him the value of truth. (Proverbs 12:19,22). School age children are prone to stretch or exaggerate the truth, or even to outright lie, if it is to their advantage.
How could you handle a situation where you know your child is exaggerating?
Encourage personal thoughts here. Gentle correction, pointing out the truth, is always appropriate. Usually it is better to confront your child in private rather than embarrassing him in front of his friends.
Where you suspect, or know, he is lying?
Continue regular church attendance. Take him, don’t send him. Allow him to discuss what he has learned in Sunday School. Continue family prayer time, letting him participate. Encourage him to pray before bedtime, and as he begins each day. You are instilling habits that will remain with him throughout his life. Continue Scripture memorization.
Encourage physical activity versus watching TV or playing video games. Encourage reading (a suggested reading list for this age is found in Resources).
This is an excellent age to help your child develop computer skills. If computer education is not available as part of his school curriculum, try to find some after-school classes at his age level.
Begin to teach him about drugs and alcohol. It is very common today for children in grade school to be offered drugs, especially tobacco, alcohol, or marijuana. This is true, unfortunately, even in many Christian schools. Teach him that drug use of any type is not acceptable, and is, in addition, against the law. Teach him to say NO! Ask him what he knows about drugs, how he feels about them. Ask him how he would handle a situation where drugs were offered. Listen to him and avoid condemnation, but be sure he understands the boundaries you have set and why you have set them.
List some reasons you could share with your child as to why you don’t want him using tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs.
Teach traffic safety.
Teach from Scripture. Make applications. An excellent teaching example is Hebrews 11.
Read through this chapter in Hebrews and list several things you could begin to teach your child about faith.
Encourage input from the group. Confront your child with the lie. Give him the opportunity to retract. If he will not, discipline is in order. Make sure that he understands that lying is not acceptable behavior in your home. Drugs are against the law. (Obviously tobacco and alcohol are not, and if you use either substance, it will be almost impossible for you to prohibit his using them. Sometimes, it helps to point out your addiction and the pain that the particular substance has caused in your life.) All three substances have physical side-effects and can cause physical illness. They are either stimulants or depressants and interfere with thinking and reasoning as well as physical activity.
It is invisible, it makes us sure and certain (v1). It helps us to understand (v3). It teaches us how our world came to be (v3). It makes us righteous (v4). It makes us pleasing to God (v5). There are many, many more. Encourage your child to find and discover them for himself.
Discipline: Hopefully, by this age, spankings will become less necessary, and the granting and withholding of privileges can become your prime method of discipline. “Time outs” are usually effective. However, in the case of a defiant or rebellious child, continue to utilize any effective method of discipline at your disposal. A child’s will is trained by teaching him obedience. Obedience to the rules of your home is not optional.
Provision/Protection/Safety: Provide for his physical needs, his physical protection in ways previously outlined. Provide spiritual protection. Pray with him, and for him, daily. Commit his protection, his well-being into the Lord’s hands.
Sexual Issues: Teach your child respect for his body. (1 Corinthians 6:19). Help him to understand that others should respect it also.
List some practical ways you could teach him this principle.
Masturbation continues intermittently during these years. Sex play is also common especially among boys. (“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”) Boys tend to pair with boys, and girls with girls during grade school years.
During the latter years of grade school you should begin to prepare to teach sex-education to your child. It is preferable that he learn from you rather than his playmates or from Sex-Ed classes in the school. Secular sex-education, without teaching the principles of morality and God’s law, is a recipe for disaster. Answer his questions. Answer them simply. Help him to know that you are willing to talk to him and explain whatever he wants to know about the subject. He (or she) may have questions about intercourse, menstruation, homosexuality, or AIDS, as he approaches puberty. Be aware that most of his questions will arise because of something he has seen on TV or heard in discussions with his friends.
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
Up to this point in our study we have focused mainly on discipline of our children and the importance of consistency. Now, as we look at the godly parenting of a school age child our emphasis shifts and is focused on learning, on teaching and on the gaining of wisdom. Discipline (consistent) remains important, but our searching of the Scriptures will now be focused on the righteous training of our children and on ways to gain wisdom. Solomon opens his Book of Proverbs with these words in chapter 1: 2-3, “For attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life.” We cannot
Remind him that his body is where God lives, it is God’s temple. Let him see you, his parents, respect your own bodies. Teach him that when he does not take care of his body pain, illness or loss of function often result.
start too early to expose our children to godly wisdom, to teach them “fear of the Lord.”
To many children the word fear conjures up frightening images. How can you rephrase fear of the Lord to more accurately teach your child how he should view the Lord?
Spiritual-Awareness
We will search the following Scriptures and look for references on the right way to train our children.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
We have looked at these words previously, but they bear looking at again. Describe in your own words the importance that God places on how and what we teach our children.
Psalm 119:105
When we begin to understand that we must teach our children about the fear of the Lord (understanding His holiness and looking at Him with reverence and awe), the next obvious question is, “How?” The psalmist gives us an important suggestion. What does the study of God’s Word provide to our lives and to our children’s lives?
Psalm 119:130
How do the simple, this could also include young children, gain understanding?
Proverbs 4:13
This verse again underlines the importance that God places on instruction, on godly teaching and training. What words does He use?
Proverbs 9:10
This verse repeats the information also given in Psalm 111:10.
You could use the word awe. Most children understand the concept of awesome. You could use the word reverence. Teach your child that God is Holy
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Assign each of the following scriptures to a group member.
There is no part of the day that we are not to be teaching them. The basis for all of our teaching is His commandments.
A lamp, a light. It enables us to clearly see the way instead of stumbling in the dark.
By the study of His word, the unfolding of His words.
Hold on, do not let go, guard it, because it is your life.
The fear, the awe, the reverence of God, must come before we obtain wisdom. Knowing God is what leads to understanding.
Proverbs 20:11
We already know that we as adults are usually judged by our actions. This verse tells us that so are our children. How can the lessons we teach our children during these years influence their actions?
Isaiah 33:6
God Himself is the storehouse of salvation and wisdom and knowledge. What is the key which will release this treasure?
Application
List some practical ways you could encourage your child.
What are your fears and apprehensions concerning your school age child?
What practical steps can you take to overcome these?
Is your child outgoing and confident? Rebellious? Shy and retiring?
How would you approach sex-education or drug and alcohol education differently depending upon your child’s personality?
A child who has been greatly loved and disciplined with love and consistency and who has been taught to fear God and keep His commandments will most likely be involved in godly actions.
An accurate understanding of who God is, of His holiness, the fear of the Lord.
Allow 20 Minutes
Praise him. Compliment him. Take an interest in his activities, in what he is learning. Value his opinions. Spend time with him.
Personal answers. Possibilities would be fears for his safety, fears that he might not be able to learn, fears concerning peer pressure, fears concerning his growing up and no longer being completely dependent on you.
Talk about them with a trusted friend or counselor. Take some practical steps to change them. For example, join with other parents to help ensure safety, help him with his learning, discuss whatever peer pressure he is experiencing with him each day.
Personal answers for each of these.
To an outgoing and confident child answer simply and concisely the questions that he asks, or share what you feel he needs to know. To a shy child you might ask simple questions to learn the level of his understanding. Speak in a quiet, even tone. To a rebellious child, avoid detailed anatomical discussions and only answer the questions he asks. The parent he most respects should be the one to have the discussion with him.
How can you help your child if he is shy and has difficulty socializing?
List several suggestions you could use to teach your child what to do if he should become separated from you in a public place (sporting event, mall, etc.).
Invite a few of his close friends to your home on a regular basis. Keep the times short. Gradually increase the number of people invited and gradually increase the length of the visits. When he is comfortable at this level, begin to take him and a few close friends to an outside location. Gradually begin to invite people that he doesn’t know as well.
Go to the ticket booth or office and tell an adult on duty that he is lost. Find a policemen or guard. Stay in one place; the more he moves around the more likely you are to miss each other in the search. Have a pre-arranged location for him to go to and wait for you. Teach him to not go into restrooms alone.
Write a prayer to be used daily in behalf of your school age child.
Closing Prayer
Personal response.
Ask someone from the group to close with prayer. You might ask for volunteers or if you have a quiet group it might be wise to ask someone privately before the session begins so that he/she will have time to prepare.
GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT
Weight gain is approximately 7 lbs. (3-3.5 kg.) per year.
Height increase is approximately 2.5 inches (6 cm.) per year.
The brain reaches essential adult size during this period.
Shedding of primary (baby) teeth starts between 5-6 years, usually in the order they appeared. The primary teeth are replaced at a rate of about 4 teeth per year over the next 5 years.
The first molars usually appear at 6-7 years.
HEALTH TIPS
Continue routine physical exams. Once a year is adequate for a healthy school age child.
Respiratory infections are common during the early school years. 5 - 6 infections a year would not be unusual.
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and hyperactivity become more apparent as your child attends school. He now has more behavior restrictions and is expected to accomplish a certain number of tasks in a set amount of time. Many teachers send overactive or misbehaving children home with notes, suggesting they may be hyperactive. Do not accept this without a thorough exam by a competent professional. All overactive children are not hyperactive. All children who are difficult to discipline do not have ADD. If your child does have ADD, don’t be surprised if you feel the conflicting emotions of love for him, and resentment for the way he disrupts your life. Don’t feel guilty for the resentment. It is normal and common, but do not give in to your emotions and allow this disorder to affect the relationship you have with him. If your child has ADD, you may find that learning disabilities and/or dyslexia are also present. These require professional intervention, sooner rather than later. Your child may also experience emotional problems as he learns that he is “different” and as he has difficulty competing with his peers. He will require a lot of love and encouragement during these years, as well as consistent discipline and consistently enforced boundaries.
Girls generally start through puberty by 9-11 years (changes can occur as early as 7-8 years, usually following their mother’s pattern). The first sign of puberty is a small hard knot under one nipple. The “breast bud” will appear under the other nipple within 2-3 months. Breast development begins, followed in 6-12 (on the average) months by pubic (groin) hair, followed in 6-12 months by axillary (under the arm) hair, followed in 6-12 months by the beginning of menstrual periods. Mood swings are common. Help her to understand, and not fear, the changes occurring in her body.
SAFETY TIPS
Your child should always wear a helmet when riding a bike. Teach bicycle safety.
Go with your child to public restrooms.
Encourage him to play with other children rather than alone and to look out for his playmate’s safety as well as his own. Encourage him to notify you (or another parent) immediately if someone frightens him or makes him uncomfortable.
Keep guns unloaded, and up, out of his reach.
Teach him never to:
• Play “secret” games with adults or older children.
• Get in a car with someone he does not know.
• Open the door if he is home alone unless he knows and trusts the person knocking.
• Tell anyone on the telephone that there is no adult home.
Lawn mower accidents are very common. No child younger than 11 years should operate a “walk-behind ” lawn mower. No child younger than 14 years should operate a “riding” lawn mower.
Make sure that:
Your child has a number where you can be reached at all times. Emergency numbers should also be available.
The route your child takes to school, or to a friend’s house, is safe. Try to avoid unpopulated areas, vacant buildings, etc.
Your home has working smoke detectors, and your child knows the escape route in case of fire.
8Session
Early Adolescence
11 to 14 Years
Introduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
How did you spend your summer holidays during your adolescent years? Who were your friends (not names)?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for each person present. Ask Him to fill each person’s heart with understanding as you tackle the important and difficult subject of adolescence. Ask for willingness among group members to share. Thank God for His faithfulness to each family present, and for His Word, which is the source of all our understanding.
Go around the room and allow each member to contribute. Encourage them to remember what were the most important attributes that they wanted in a friend during their early teenage years. Were their friends people of whom their parents approved or not?
Self-Awareness
Your child has now entered adolescence and your parenting techniques need to be adjusted accordingly. Adolescence does not have to be a time of rebellion or rejection of earlier teaching. The key to parenting an adolescent is communication! If you keep the lines of communication with your child open, almost any disagreement can be resolved, or any difficulty overcome.
Be her “friend.” This does not mean adopting her dress code or language, trying to act like a teenager yourself. You are the parent, and she needs you to be a parent at this stage of her growth perhaps more than at any other. She needs the security of boundaries and restrictions even though she may push against them.
Have real conversation with your teenager, not just demands or criticism. Ask for, and respect, her opinions, even if you disagree. Share confidences, dreams, mistakes you have made, feelings. Make her your friend. Do not withdraw from her, even if she attempts to withdraw from you.
Allow 20–25 Minutes
List some practical ways you could make your teenager your friend.
Recognize the peer pressure that will be placed on her, and offer alternative answers. Do not “put down” her friends, but rather, encourage godly relationships.
This is a difficult age for your teen. She is no longer a child, and she is not yet an adult. She doesn’t understand her limitations or recognize many dangers. You can allow her to make many more independent decisions than she has in the past, but you must enforce boundaries where there are activities which could cause her harm.
List some decisions you would be comfortable with your teenager making.
Talk with her, not at her. Respect her opinions. Share your own failures, memories, and dreams with her. Always let her know that she is loved and accepted. Set necessary boundaries, but avoid constant criticism.
List some you would not allow her to make.
Personal answers. Possibly: decorating her room, choosing her clothes, make-up and jewelry, choosing her friends. Be aware that some of these decisions might cross acceptable boundaries. It is your decision, as a parent whether to intervene and disallow the choice.
Decisions about curfew, some decisions about the music she listens to. Obviously, some teenagers are more responsible and more mature, and can be allowed much greater latitude in making their choices.
Communication: Communication and conversation with your teenager is vital. Family meal times continue to be important times for family conversation. Adolescents often try to avoid those times - it would be reasonable to insist on at least 3 (and preferably 5) evening meals per week with all family members present. Discuss family issues, school issues, community issues, politics, God and spiritual issues. Encourage her to think through issues and offer opinions.
Teaching/Training: The most effective teaching at this age is by example. (Proverbs 20:7, Ezekiel 16:44). Teenagers are very conscious of hypocrisy.
Are there any areas in your life in which you would have to say, “Do as I say, and not as I do?”
Possible answers would be smoking, drinking, cursing, gossiping, driving too fast, cheating the Internal Revenue Service.
Are there any steps you can take now to bring those areas under God’s control?
Church attendance is very important and should not be optional. Church youth groups can be invaluable sources of godly friends and activities. Encourage her to take part in these. Continue family prayer time. Encourage tithing. (Proverbs 3:9).
Strongly encourage involvement in extra-curricular activities. Sports, band, specialty clubs, dance or music lessons are all possibilities for involvement.
Continue to assign household responsibilities. Your teenager is a part of your family, and it is not too much to ask her to help with meal preparation, dishes, some housework, including keeping her room clean and making her bed. Boys can be asked to mow the grass, rake the yard, help with house and car maintenance.
Continue to teach her about drug and alcohol abuse. Be sure of your information. Monitor the music she listens to (rock? rap? Christian?). Be very aware of the lyrics that are being implanted in her mind. Be aware of occult influence in much music of today. Carefully monitor, and limit, TV time and video games.
What do you need to do to become knowledgeable about drugs and alcohol so that you can share realistically with your teen?
You must make the decisions about dress codes, hair styles, jewelry and dating. Many schools have dress codes or require uniforms, but, if not, you must set boundaries and enforce them. Try to make these decisions with her rather than for her where possible. It is generally recommended that early dating take place with 2 or more couples and to destinations where many people are present. Discourage single (one on one) dating, especially where the couple plans to be alone for extended periods.
Be aware of the influence of pornography, especially in this age boy. See Psalm 101:3, Deuteronomy 7:26. Do not allow pornographic magazines, reading material or videos in your home. Help your child understand the danger. (Proverbs 4:23).
As her level of responsibility increases, allow her more freedoms, more choices.
Discipline: By this age, spanking your child has lost its effectiveness. It is better to withhold privileges if rules are broken, or offer positive rewards. Your teenager will likely
Personal
Doctors, churches, libraries, Al-Anon, many others have material you could request and study.
If there is time have someone read these 3 verses out loud.
want to go her own way (Proverbs 14:12), but you continue to be responsible for setting appropriate limits and enforcing them.
Discipline Methods Ranked by “Effectiveness” Ages 11 to 13
4. Restriction
5. Family Council
6. Cut in Allowance
7. More Chores/Work
8. Lecturing
Provision/Protection: Provide a weekly allowance for your teenager. The amount should be determined by how you expect her to use it. If she is expected to buy her own school lunches, or some of her clothes or school supplies, the amount could be considerably more.
Encourage saving for long-term goals, and tithing, but allow her wide latitude in choosing how to spend the remainder.
Protect her by teaching her about dangers, by enforcing boundaries and limits, and by committing her into the Lord’s care daily. Be there for her if and when she needs you.
Sexual Issues: Teach your teenager respect for her body, that her body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit. Teach her the principles of restraint. Be ready to share with her reasons why she should avoid premarital sex. Many churches are now utilizing the program, “True Love Waits” which was initiated by the Baptist Sunday School Board. It encourages moral purity, and specifically allows a teenager to make a commitment to postpone sex until marriage. If you are
interested in this program, the telephone number and address are included in the Resources at the end of the manual.
What are some reasons you could give your teenager as to why she should delay sex until marriage?
Sex education will be given in all school systems. Anticipate questions from her concerning body parts and functions, AIDS and other STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). Give her accurate information, but be aware that some adolescents are much more mature at 11-13 than others. Share information which is appropriate for her level of maturity. Teach her God’s principles and morality as you share information.
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
It should be obvious by now that some of our most important concerns during the early adolescent years are helping our teenager to have godly friends, and moral purity. These are God’s concerns as well. Let’s look briefly at Psalm 119.
Assign one group of 3-4 people to look up verses 9-16, another group to look up verses 33-37 and another group verses 97-104. Ask them to share some of God’s suggestions as to how to help a young person keep his/her life pure.
It is God’s plan that sex would be limited to marriage. Sex will be more meaningful to her within marriage if she has not been promiscuous before marriage. Unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, especially AIDS for which there is no known cure.
Possible suggestions, verses 9-16: encourage study of (and living according to ) God’s law, seek God, hide His word in your heart, speak His truth, meditate on the Word, don’t neglect it. These are suggestions for YOU, as well as suggestions for you to teach your child.
Possible suggestions, verses 33-37: teach your child purity, pray for her understanding, refuse to look at worthless things.
Possible suggestions, verses 97-104: meditate on God’s Word, obedience to God’s Word, gain such understanding of God’s way that you hate every wrong path.
S piritual-Awareness
Assign the verses and remind your group to be aware of the times that God speaks about the importance of godly friends.
Psalm 118:6-8
What (who) is our primary source of help and advice as we guide our teens through their adolescent years?
Allow 20–25 Minutes
God is. It is always better to trust His advice rather than the advice of people. There is much parenting material and advice available. Friends are frequently quite ready to give their own advice. Some is godly and some is not. Even so, God and His Word are always to be our primary source of information and advice.
Proverbs 1:8-19
Ask someone to paraphrase these verses.
Proverbs 4:13-14
Of what value is instruction in your child’s life? This includes all of the instruction you have given her throughout her life, as well as ongoing instruction through her adolescent years.
Proverbs 4:20-27
In these verses God again gives us help as to how to keep our lives morally pure. How many can you find and list?
Pay special attention to two things: 1) the enticing words that ungodly people will use to entice your teen to join them, and 2) the suggested reasons for avoiding ungodly friends.
We can’t overestimate the value of our teaching and instruction (both by our words and by our lives) in our teen’s lives. Hold it, guard it, it is your life.
Let the group share. Possible answers are: pay attention to God’s Word, put His Word in your heart, guard your heart, don’t engage in perverse talk, keep your eyes on the goal, take paths that are firm (approved by God), stay focused.
Proverbs 13:20
What does this verse say to you about the importance of your teen (and also yourself) having godly friends?
Proverbs 22:24-25
Again, what does this verse advise about the importance of choosing friends wisely?
Proverbs 23:19-21
These verses continue the same line of thought. What specific company are we advised to avoid, and to teach our children to avoid?
1 Corinthians 15:33
This verse is a very simple. It is a concise statement of the dangers of having ungodly friends.
Friends of the wise will become wiser. Friends of fools will probably suffer great harm.
People usually tend to pick up many of the values, as well as characteristics of their friends.
Drunkards and gluttons. Again, we tend to pick up some of the characteristics of those we associate with.
2 Timothy 2:22-23
What excellent advice can you find for your teens in these verses?
Don’t give in to evil desires. Pursue righteousness. Look for friends who also call on the Lord. Don’t be involved in stupid arguments (they cause quarrels and break-ups of friendships).
pplication
Did you have difficulty communicating with your parents when you were a teenager? Why, or why not?
Is there something they could have done to have made communication easier?
Allow 20 Minutes
Personal answers.
Can you make use of this information now that you are the parent?
How do you feel about your teens music, dress and friends? Should you intervene?
Personal answers. Possibilities are – I wish they had: 1) been more available to listen, 2) been more willing to listen, 3) more aware of and interested in my viewpoint, 4) not so quick to criticize.
Personal answers.
What can you do to influence your teenager’s choice of friends?
Personal answers. Sometimes. Discuss possible reasons for the need for intervention: Music–when dangerous, sexual, extreme or occultic themes… Clothes–when extremely suggestive or provocative, uncleanness… Friends–when friends are totally unacceptable. You have the right to forbid contact, but be aware many rebellious teens will be more likely to continue the relationship behind your back if you have absolutely forbidden it. It may be more to your benefit to encourage other relationships without overtly discouraging or forbidding these.
Be involved as a family in godly activities with godly people her age included. Don’t have ungodly relationships yourself–she will perceive the hypocrisy. Sometimes, a change of schools is advisable or necessary.
How would your teen describe you?
Is there any truth to her perceptions, and if so, are there any changes you need to make?
Read Psalm 140:1-7. Could you make this a daily prayer for your teenager as she is surrounded by worldly pressures and unholy peer influence? Restate in your own words.
Closing Prayer
The 2nd molars usually erupt by age 14. The 3rd set can appear any time between this age and the early 20’s. GROWTH
Sexual maturation occurs and the body begins to take its final adult form.
Personal answers
Personal answers
Rescue her from evil friends, protect her from violence, keep her from the wicked, teach her to rely on You for deliverance, shield and protect her.
Thank God for the insights and opinions shared. Thank Him for His Word which leads us into all truth. Ask Him to bring these truths to mind through the coming week. Ask Him for His protection, and His guidance for our children, and thank Him for His great love and concern for them.
HEALTH TIPS
Boys typically begin pubertal changes between 12-14. You will notice a sudden increase in height, as well as an increase in body hair, enlargement of the testicles, and voice change. Be aware that boys also have breast buds (appearing first under only one nipple) and minimal breast development during the early adolescent years.
If female pubertal changes did not begin to take place in the 9-11 year old child, they will usually begin now. Any female who has not entered puberty by age 15 (or any male who has no changes of puberty by 16) should seek professional medical advice.
Acne is common. If not controlled by careful cleansing, a physician should be consulted. It can be controlled with appropriate medical treatment. Severe acne is a common cause of much worry and concern in adolescents.
Accidents and suicide are possibly the most significant health problem of adolescents. Be constantly alert for signs of depression in your teenager. Also, be alert for signs of alcohol or drug use. Some of the things to look for are:
Drastic changes in moods—frequently angry, withdrawn, irritable, defensive, unwilling to communicate.
Sudden changes in friends—defensive about her friends, refusal to attend church.
Physical changes—weight loss (or gain), decrease in appetite, difficulty concentrating, frequent memory lapses.
Tendency to have more accidents, lying, stealing. Additional help for parents attempting to become more educated concerning symptoms of drug use is found in the Resource material at the end of this manual.
Off-the-road vehicles (three wheelers and four wheelers) are very dangerous and not recommended. Many children die each year because of accidents involving these vehicles.
Motorcycles are also a common cause of severe accidents and death in this age child. If you allow your teenager to operate a motorcycle, insist on a helmet at all times. Insist that he/she take motorcycle safety courses and abide by all of the regulations. Unfortunately, even with these precautions, accidents are common. They frequently are not the fault of the motorcycle operator, even though he will likely be the one with major injuries.
Don’t allow your teen to swim (ponds, lakes, pools or ocean) unless there is another person, preferably an adult, present.
Never keep a loaded gun in your home. It is preferable to keep ammunition in an entirely different location.
Lawn mower accidents continue to be common. No child younger than 14 years should operate a “riding” lawn mower.
SAFETY TIPS
9Session Adolescence
15 to 19 Years
Introduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Why?
Self-Awareness
Your teenager is at a difficult age because he is no longer a child and resents being treated as such. Yet, he still has some of the same needs for security, love, attention and learning that he had when he was younger. On the other hand, he is not yet an adult (although he often feels that he is), but greatly desires to be treated as such. He probably still has many fears and apprehensions about adulthood. This is an ambivalent age, with your adolescent drawing close to you on one occasion, only to push away again shortly thereafter.
How do you feel about your child’s approaching independence? Do you fear it? Look forward to it? Why?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for each group member and for His perfect plan in bringing this specific group together. Thank Him for each person’s openness and willingness to share. Ask Him for His guidance and help during this session.
This question should remind the group members of the qualities that they found attractive when they were teenagers. It may open the discussion to ways they could incorporate some of these qualities in their own individual lives.
Allow 20–25 Minutes
How will your attitude affect your relationship with your teenager now?
Personal answers. Note: When a parent has a co-dependent relationship with his/her children, and needs them to meet his/her own need for value, the approaching independence of the child is often viewed with fear and regret.
If you fear independence you will likely hold on, perhaps in an unhealthy manner. If you have prepared your child well and if you have outside interests yourself, you will likely look forward to seeing your teenager mature into a responsible adult. Note: There are likely to be conflicting emotions and needs during this time.
Allow him wide latitude in making decisions that do not affect his health or well-being. You can give him greater and greater freedom as he shows increasing responsibility in his choices. You continue to be his parent, his authority figure, and you have every right to prohibit certain things if the need arises. The things you would likely want to prohibit are tobacco, alcohol, drugs, pornography, and premarital sex, to name a few. You also have a right to expect certain behavior, i.e. study time and church attendance.
In which areas could you allow your teen to make his own choices?
Personal answers, dependent upon his maturity and responsibility.
In which areas would you not allow choices?
Communication: Communication continues to be the key in parenting a teenager. Have meaningful conversation with him. Keep the lines of communication open no matter what difficulties you may be experiencing in the relationship. Try not to criticize or nag. Make an effort to like (or accept) his music and his friends. Intervene only if you know that his choices are wrong or harmful. Encourage his efforts. Be loving, but firm when the need arises. Make his home a place he likes to be, a refuge from his sometimes stormy world, a place he wants to bring his friends.
Teaching/Training: Be available to counsel, suggest, guide. Continue to teach, answer his questions about substance abuse, sexual issues and dating. Help him understand the dangers of pornography, and do not allow it in your home. Continue to encourage involvement in sports or other activities.
These are the years when your adolescent will make decisions about college, vocational school, or work, after high school has been completed. Make every effort (require if necessary) to have him finish high school. This is a decision he will never regret, though frequently he cannot see the need at the present time.
What are your feelings about finishing high school?
List some reasons you could share with him for the necessity of this.
Personal answers, dependent upon his maturity and responsibility.
What would you like for your teenager to do after high school?
Personal. Likely to be influenced by whether or not you finished.
Satisfaction in a task completed, better job opportunities, ability to attend college or vocational school. Personal answers.
How can you encourage and guide him in these choices?
It is reasonable to expect your teenager to help with household responsibilities and to keep his room reasonably clean.
Your family prayer time and church attendance are of the utmost importance during these years. Encourage him to be a part of your church youth group.
Discipline:
Discipline Methods Ranked by “Effectiveness”
Ages 14 to 16
Provision/Protection: Help your teenager locate after school work if he desires to do this.
What types of work would be reasonable for him/her?
A part time job is an excellent teacher of responsibility, and also can provide needed extra money for your child. This can be especially important if he is saving for further schooling.
List some ways you could encourage him to save and not spend his
frivolously.
Make him aware of the possibilities and advantages of each, encourage aptitude testing and job counseling seminars while in high school, encourage and guide him toward the areas in which he has gifts and talents.
Grocery store, fast food store, clothing store, paper delivery, many others…
Let him see you save on a regular basis. Perhaps you could offer to match the money he saves in order to buy something he really wants.
If your teen has a part time job, make sure that work does not interfere with his school studies and that he is not becoming excessively fatigued. Encourage, don’t require, tithing of his income. If he has earned the money, the choice of how to spend it should be his. Guide, and help him make wise choices.
Sexual Issues: Encourage sexual purity. Virginity can only be lost once, and even if the loss is regretted, it can never be recovered.
How would you handle the situation if your teen asked you to provide him/her with birth control?
Dating is a very important concern during these years. Help your teen to choose his dates wisely. Teach him to look for more lasting qualities than appearance or popularity in his choices. Help him to understand that he should choose dates with the same characteristics as he would like to have in a wife. Make your dating teenager a matter of serious, prayerful concern. Pray on a daily basis for God to guide him and protect him.
List specific ways that you could encourage moral and wise choices.
First, cover yourself with prayer. Then discuss God’s reasons for delaying sexual activity until marriage. Discuss the dangers of promiscuity, even with protected sex. Enlist the support of his friends who are not sexually active. Enlist the help of other adults he admires and trusts.
List specific ways you could ask God to guide him in these choices.
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
Your child’s teenage years can be wonderful or difficult, but in every instance they will be challenging. You will truly need to be a person of prayer during these years. God has much important and needed advice for your teenager. In His Word, you will find much information about promiscuity, about substance abuse, about the importance of godly friends, and about the constant presence of His protection of those He loves.
Encourage specific activities which will expose him to godly members of the opposite sex. Example: youth groups at your church, summer activities at church camp. Have youth groups in your home which consist of godly teenagers. Have parties to which he can invite appropriate friends.
Ask God to guard his mind, heart and emotions. Ask Him to provide friends and occasions which would encourage moral purity. Ask Him to prevent friendships with ungodly, rebellious teenagers. Ask Him to place in your teen’s heart a desire for a godly mate.
Spiritual-Awareness
Let’s spend some time in His Word and search out His statues concerning these subjects.
Psalm 107:17
None of us want our teens to be considered “fools” or to suffer needlessly. How does God tell us to avoid these things?
Proverbs 2:6-8
Who does God tell us is the source for wisdom, knowledge and understanding?
What does He tell us about His role as shield and protector in our, as well as in our children’s lives?
Allow 20–25 Minutes
Assign each group member one Scripture to look up and to read when it is time.
Through ceasing rebellious ways and putting off sinful habits. He is.
He is a shield to those who are blameless (our righteousness comes from Christ, from the Holy Spirit within). He protects the way of His faithful ones.
Proverbs 6:32-33
What are some of the results of moral impurity in our lives?
Proverbs 22:24-25
Here we find more admonitions to choose our friends wisely. What is likely to happen to your child if he develops a close relationship with an angry man, with a hot-tempered man?
Proverbs 23:29-35
God provides us with a vivid description of the results of substance abuse. What are some of the physical effects?
What are some of the emotional and spiritual effects?
Isaiah 28:7-8
These are even more vivid and disgusting descriptions of a person trapped in substance abuse. Again, how many physical effects can you find listed here?
John 17:15
Jesus prayed for His disciples and He continually intercedes for us and for our children. Can you paraphrase His prayer?
Destruction, blows and disgrace, shame.
Can this prayer of Jesus’ give you insight as to how to pray for your teenagers?
He is likely to learn the bad habits and become ensnared.
Needless bruises, bloodshot eyes, hallucinations (verse 33), lack of awareness of pain or danger (verse 35).
Woe, sorrow, strife, emotional and spiritual numbness.
Staggering, reeling, confusion, visual hallucinations, inability to make decisions, vomiting, filthiness.
Don’t take them out of the world, but protect them from the world, from worldly values, worldly habits, worldly relationships, that are all inspired by Satan.
Pray a hedge of protection around them every day. Bind Satan from their lives. Commit them into God’s care and protection.
A2 Timothy 2:22-23
These words of Paul to his young understudy, Timothy, offer excellent advice to any teenager. Can you restate his advice in your own words?
Your natural desires can often lead you into serious trouble. Learn not to give in to them. Instead, spend your time looking to do good things and developing faith and love. Choose godly friends, who also are seeking God with pure hearts. Don’t argue or fight. These are foolish and can break up friendships.
pplication Allow 20 Minutes
What are your most painful memories of your own adolescence?
What can you do to help your teen to avoid these things?
What are the happiest memories of your adolescence?
Personal. Encourage at least 2 or 3 members of the group to respond. If there seems to be reluctance to share, be prepared to share a memory of your own.
These answers will depend completely on the memories that have been shared.
Personal. These should be easier than those in the previous question.
What can you do to ensure your teen also has these happy experiences?
What do you wish your parents had done differently during your teenage years?
Again, this will depend upon the memories shared. Parents can make some effort to recreate for their teens the circumstances which brought them such happiness.
Personal answers.
Can this help you as you parent your teenager?
Encourage group members who share to explain how it could be of help to them. Example: if you wish your parents had listened to you more, you might make a pointed effort to listen to your own teen-ager.
List some practical ways you could make your home a refuge, a comfortable place, for your teen.
How would you handle the situation if you found marijuana, condoms or homosexual pornography hidden in your child’s bedroom?
Try to have at least one room in your home where he can invite friends, in which they can lounge and be comfortable. Invite other teens into your home on a regular basis. Serve refreshments such as popcorn or pizza. Offer to have youth Bible studies in your home. Make his friends welcome. Set boundaries so that he knows which behavior is acceptable and which is not, and enforce those boundaries consistently.
First, go to God in prayer and ask for His wisdom and guidance. Next, discuss with your spouse and develop a unified plan of action. Be sure your emotions are under control before you confront your child. Confront him together (sometimes only one parent involved in the discussion is a better plan if the teen does not have a good relationship with one or other of the parents) and with no one else around. The purpose of your confrontation is 1) to gain information, and 2) to share your expectations concerning your teen’s behavior. Don’t be disappointed in him, even if you are deeply disappointed in his behavior. Make clear the rules and regulations of your home and expect him to keep those rules. Discuss your reasons and God’s reasons for avoiding substance abuse. Counseling or other professional help may be indicated. Never cease praying for him during these turbulent years. Commit him and release him into God’s loving care.
Condoms…Similar actions. Encourage the members of your group to share their own thoughts concerning each of these situations.
Homosexual pornography… Similar actions. You need to discover if your teen considers himself to be gay or if he is simply involved in this type of pornography? Do not reject your child!
How far are you willing to go to enforce the boundaries you have placed on your teen?
Personal answers. What discipline are you willing to use? Are you willing to send your teen for counseling? Are you willing to go with him? Are you willing to involve the police or juvenile authorities?
Write a prayer to be used on a daily basis for your teenager. Ask for wisdom as you attempt to lead him through these years.
Closing Prayer
Personal. Ask if any in the group would like to share what they have written.
Thank God specifically for the way He worked during this session. Thank Him for anything that was shared. Pray for any needs or struggles or painful memories that may have been expressed. Pray for His wisdom and guidance in all of the issues of parenting that have been discussed.
SAFETY TIPS
Automobile safety should be of utmost concern as your teenager begins to drive. Make sure he attends driver’s education classes if these are available in your area. Graduated driving privileges are becoming more common because of the likelihood of serious accidents involving inexperienced (not necessarily irresponsible) drivers. These graduated privileges generally allow a learner’s permit at 15, then daytime-only driving allowed (i.e. from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.) from 16 through 18 years. Exceptions could be made on weekends if he is dating, but only to go to and from a particular place - never to just cruise. Full privileges begin at 19.
HEALTH TIPS
Continue yearly checkups as long as your child is in your care. Tetanus immunization is repeated at age 15.
Depression, accidents and suicides are not uncommon. Be always vigilant and aware.
Acne continues to be a cause of concern.
A female adolescent should begin routine GYN exams by the time she is 18 or when she becomes sexually active, whichever is earlier.
10Session Young Adult
19 to 22 Years
Introduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
If you suddenly received a million dollars, how would you spend it?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for all of the children of your group members. Thank Him for each member’s faithfulness and desire to be a godly parent. Ask Him to use this material to bring about His desired changes in our lives and in our approach to parenting.
Encourage each member to answer this question briefly. You might also ask them to think about the answer throughout the coming week. The answers that are shared will help you and each of them to see clearly where they have placed their priorities. Our priorities are frequently more clear to our children and to others than they are to ourselves.
Self-Awareness
This young adult that you have cared for and guided since she was an infant is no longer your legal responsibility. However, she does remain your moral and spiritual responsibility. Never cease to pray for her as she makes the many choices which will determine the course of her adult life. She is ready to assume the responsibilities that you have spent 18 years preparing her for.
Many young adults leave home at this age. Some perhaps to attend college, job training, or simply to live in their own apartments. At this point they are out of your constant sphere of influence. Pray a wall of protection around your child (Job 1:10) as she begins to experiment with her newfound freedoms. Other young adults may choose to remain in your home as they work or attend school.
Whether your young adult continues to live in your home, returns only during breaks in schooling or work, or moves out entirely, there is now a different basis for your relationship. Your child is now an adult, and your greatest (and perhaps most difficult) parenting responsibility is to LET GO! Trust the parenting you have done. Trust the values
Allow 20-25 Minutes
you have instilled in your child. Trust God to care for her and to guide her. Trust your child.
In what ways is letting go difficult for you?
In what ways is it not difficult?
When your young adult is ready to separate, release her. In an independent child your “holding on” could foster a sense of entrapment and an attitude of resentment. In a dependent child, your “holding on” will only make her more dependent and more insecure.
Be aware of the possibility of empty nest syndrome when all of your children are gone. You are now ready to enter a new phase of your life. Plan to appreciate and enjoy it.
Communication: Communicate with your child as you would with another adult. Share opinions, needs, feelings, general information. Respect her independence.
Teaching/Training: Teach and train by living a godly life before her. If/when specific circumstances require, continue to teach about drugs, alcohol, promiscuity. Continue to teach moral values. You should certainly continue to have certain rules and regulations enforced in your home. For example: • If your young adult lives in your home and is working full or part time (and not using the money for her schooling), she should be expected to pay a reasonable amount for room and board each month.
Encourage each group member to answer this (as well as the next) question. Allow time for discussion if necessary. In the parent-child relationship, where you have been responsible for her for 18 years, it is difficult to let go of your patterns of making decisions and being in control. It is difficult to watch your child make mistakes and wrong decisions. You might need your child for your own sense of self-worth. You recognize that this stage of your life is over, and cannot be re-lived. This type of change usually brings some sadness and apprehension.
Mature, secure parents will rejoice to see the result of their labors, to watch their child grow into a responsible adult. They will have more time for hobbies, other relationships, additional education…
• She should not entertain persons of the opposite sex in your home unless at least one parent is at home.
• Obviously, there should be no overnight visits from persons of the opposite sex.
Can you think of other rules which would be appropriate for your young adult living at home?
Discipline: If your young adult lives in your home, discipline, such as withholding privileges, continues to be appropriate. If your child no longer lives in your home, discipline is ineffective and probably inappropriate.
At this age, you will begin to see the results of the consistent training and discipline you have given in earlier years. Children who have not been disciplined, or have not learned from it, have a difficult time adjusting to adult life. They tend to be self-centered and a disruptive influence wherever they are. Read the sad report of Eli’s children in 1 Samuel 2:12-17; 22-26.
Be aware - Your child will make her own choices. Even with godly parenting, and consistent training and discipline, some children choose rebellion for a season. We have only to look at the godly king Hezekiah and his evil son Manasseh (II Kings 20:21-21:16), or David and his unrestrained son Amnon (II Samuel 13), or his rebellious son Absalom (II Samuel 15). If you have been the best parent you have known how to be, do not feel guilty if your child makes wrong choices and decisions. Sorrow is a reasonable emotion, but guilt is not. Place your sorrow before God’s throne, and pray without ceasing for your child’s return.
Provision/Protection: You have protected her by teaching her right from wrong, by teaching her to trust in and rely upon God, by teaching her Scripture, and by teaching her responsible behavior. You have protected her by giving her this foundation for living a happy, righteous and holy life. Now, she is ready to take the things she has learned and to make her own choices concerning habits and morals. If she has learned God’s principles of living, she will likely adopt these for her adult life.
Personal answers. Encourage responses. You might ask and expect her to keep her living area clean and neat. You might need to prohibit smoking, drugs and alcohol, if these are a potential problem. You might ask her to help with housecleaning, grocery shopping, etc. You need to insist that she have a respectful attitude toward you.
Sexual Issues: Continue to encourage sexual purity. Remind her that true love waits.
Your young adult is now dating seriously, most likely with the intention of working toward a marriage relationship. Continue to encourage godly choices. If you have committed this choice of a godly mate to God since her infancy, you will likely receive the answer to your prayers during the next 10 years.
It is during these years that some families will hear from their young adult that he/she has homosexual leanings. If you have a gay child, love him/her unconditionally, and keep the lines of communication open. Let him know that you love and accept him, even though you cannot accept his behavior. Do not allow any homosexual activity in your home. Again, pray without ceasing. Offer any help that he/she is willing to accept.
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
Our young adults have reached a new phase of their development. They are no longer directly responsible to us, but they are responsible to God. Many young adults want to experiment with their newly gained freedoms. They want to throw off all restrictions and responsibilities. Others will continue to live controlled and obedient lives. Can you remember being this age? Can you remember your emotions and desires? Were you willing to live in obedience to God’s law, or did you throw off the restraints for a time? Looking at these questions should give you insight into your young adult’s feelings and needs. But, at this age, as well as at every other, God has His hand on our children’s lives. It is he who will encourage them, rebuke them, teach them, and continually draw them towards Himself.
Spiritual-Awareness
God has words and advice for our older children, just as He does our younger ones. Let’s search the Scriptures to find God’s heart.
Leviticus 18:22
We have already looked at God’s heart concerning adultery. How does He feel about homosexuality?
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Assign the Scriptures to various group members.
It is detestable. If you have any objections from your group because this is an Old Testament Scripture, you can also refer them to Romans 1:26-27.
Deuteronomy 8:10-18
God shares with His people concerning the dangers of their becoming complacent in their problem-free lives and forgetting Him. Our young adults usually feel in control of their lives at this age, and therefore, this is a dangerous age.
What are some of the things that God says can lull us into complacency?
It is helpful for us to remember the ways God has been involved in our lives. We need to remind our children of these things also. Encourage your young adult to remember and list the ways God has been involved in her life. What help do you get from these verses?
What does God say are the dangers in believing that we are in control of our lives?
Plenty to eat, land to live on, fine houses, many possessions (flocks and herds), wealth.
He has led us through the dry places (v15). He has protected us from evil (v15). He has provided for our needs (v15). He has provided physical, as well as spiritual food (v16).
We may become proud and believe that it is our hands which have done the work (v 17). If it is God who gives us and our children the ability to produce wealth we have no grounds for pride, only praise and thanks. If it is God who gives, He can also choose to withhold.
Psalm 119:145-152
What excellent advice can you find from God to any person, young or old, who desires a deeper relationship with Him?
Proverbs 20:17-21
Restate these 5 verses in your own words. They are excellent advice for one starting out in life.
Call on Him, and believe He will answer. Keep His statutes. Early morning prayer is a good way to begin the day. Put your hope in His Word (not in the works of your hands). Meditate at night on His promises. Ask for His protection and preservation of your life. Ask for protection from the wicked. Trust His nearness.
17—cheating doesn’t work and usually leaves you worse off than in the beginning.
18—ask for advice when you make plans. Another person’s input can be very helpful and save you from many mistakes.
19—don’t gossip and avoid those who do.
20—cursing your mother or father is simply not acceptable. If you do you will lose your ability to see your way. 21—don’t be so intent on getting your hands on your parent’s money. What is yours will come to you in due time.
Matthew 5:27-28
God speaks of the importance of not only controlling our behavior, but also our thoughts. Why is it important for us, and our children, to keep our minds and hearts pure?
1 Corinthians 13:11
How could you use this verse to encourage your young adult?
Titus 2:6-8
Paul gives excellent advice to Titus as to how to instruct young adults, as well as how we should live our own lives before them. What is his advice for a young person?
What is his advice for anyone who is attempting to influence their lives?
I John 2:9-17
To what three classes of people is John writing these words?
What does he have to say to each group?
Can these words help you as you parent your young adult?
A thought frequently leads to the action. It is the first step. Persons who cannot control their minds, their fantasies, will most likely eventually not be able to control their behavior.
Children are identified by their immature talk and thinking and reasoning. But there comes a time when a person needs to begin to talk, and think and reason as an adult. It is a conscious decision.
To be self controlled.
What is John’s final bit of advice?
Set them an example by doing good, show integrity, seriousness, soundness of speech (the correctness of our teaching).
To fathers, to young men, and to dear children.
To fathers: because you have known God…
To young men: you have overcome Satan, you are strong, and the Word of God lives in you…
To dear children: your sins have been forgiven, and you have known God.
Personal. Fathers are expected to know God and to pass that knowledge on to their children. Young adults are strong, but this is the age when Satan is very active in their lives. They are at crossroads, and it is the Word of God which lives in them, which guides and directs and protects them. You cannot overemphasize the Word of God in your children’s lives!
Don’t love the world, or anything in the world… The world will pass away (it is temporary), and only those who are involved in doing God’s will will live forever.
A
pplication
Suggest specific ways to maintain your relationship with a rebellious child.
List some examples from your own life where God has taken your bad choices and brought good out of them.
Can you trust Him to work similarly in the life of your child?
Allow 20 Minutes
Keep the lines of communication open. Make special efforts to let your child know that you have rejected her behavior, not her. Love her and pray for her even if you cannot accept her behavior. Do not enable her or support her habits but do not reject her. Let her know that you are praying for her.
Personal answers.
What can you do now for yourself to prepare for the day when you will need to “let go?”
Personal answers. It is difficult, but hopefully, yes.
Personal answers. Develop hobbies, interests and concerns outside your family, other relationships. These will still be present when your children have grown and left. Give your children gradually increasing independence while they are still teenagers, and the act of “letting go” will not be as difficult.
List specific things you can do to combat the “Empty Nest Syndrome”.
Write a short paragraph to your child releasing her into her adult life.
Answers are similar to the previous question. Developing other relationships, through church and Bible study groups would likely be the most helpful. Hobbies and volunteer work can help. Full-time or part-time work may be an option.
Personal. Allow time for sharing if anyone would like. Be prepared to share your paragraph if no one else volunteers.
Write a prayer to be used daily on behalf of your newly independent young adult. How could Ephesians 1:16-19 help you?
Personal. The Ephesians prayer is a good model. You can give thanks for your child, pray for wisdom for her, pray that God would reveal Himself to her in an ever increasing way, pray that the eyes of her heart would be opened (that she would be able to see God in her life and in her world), that she would place her hope in Him, that she would receive the riches of His inheritance (the blessings that come when she is His child, His heir).
Closing Prayer
You might ask a group member to close this session.
11Session The Adult Child
(22+ Years)
Introduction
Opening Prayer
SSharing Question What are two things you like about yourself? Why?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for His presence in your group. Thank Him for the wisdom and guidance that He has shared in previous weeks, and invite His wisdom and guidance in this session. Thank Him for each member present, and for his/her faithfulness in attendance.
It is always good to remind people of their strong points, of their good qualities. Give feedback, if possible, as each person shares. Example, “Yes, I’ve noticed that about you during these weeks.”
elf-Awareness
For many different reasons, more and more adult children, both male and female, are returning home to live with their parents. Some common reasons given for the return home are:
• job loss with resulting financial inability to maintain separate living conditions.
• divorce or separation from marriage partner. In this case your adult child may return to your home with one or more children, your grandchildren.
• simple emotional dependency.
Can you think of other reasons an adult child might return home to live with his parents?
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Whatever the reason for the return, the parenting skills you will need to maintain a healthy relationship with your adult child are markedly different then those you used when he was younger.
To save money while continuing education, to take care of elderly or disabled parents, spousal abuse, loss of home, inability to cope with adult responsibilities. Others may be suggested.
Did you ever return to live with your parents after having left their home to live your own life? If so, what difficulties did you encounter?
In retrospect, what would you now do differently to avoid these difficulties?
You may experience feelings of resentment over your loss of freedom, or privacy, as well as over the additional financial burden. You may also be grateful, or even thrilled, to have him return. In the latter case, you might tend to “smother” him or treat him as you did when he was much younger. You need to admit and face your feelings and emotions honestly and take any necessary steps to deal with them so that you can maintain a healthy relationship with your adult child.
The key to parenting an adult child is love and respect!
Communication with your adult child is on the level of adult to adult. It can be quite difficult to respect his maturity and his independence, while at the same time, to maintain your position as his parent. It is very important that you learn to suggest and request, rather than order, and give advice only when asked. At the same time, this is your home, and he is the guest; therefore, it is reasonable to expect (and require if necessary) that the rules of your home be respected.
Training of your adult child is ongoing. He will continue to carefully observe the life you live before him. He will need to adjust his behavior to keep the rules of your home that you have set for him. You have every right to require this. Do not allow an adult child to “take over” your home, living any way that he pleases, without specific responsibilities and duties. He should either work at a job or be in school full time.
What do you think would be reasonable “rules” to ask an adult child who lives with you to keep?
Personal answers.
What do you think would be reasonable responsibilities for you to ask him to perform on a regular basis?
It is also reasonable to ask him to maintain a respectful attitude towards you, to continue to honor you, his parents (Deuteronomy 5:16, Proverbs 20:20).
Personal answers. Looking at these questions may give insight as to how to avoid many of the common problems that occur when an adult child lives in your home.
Ask the group for suggestions. Possibilities would be: no smoking in the home, no sexual activity in the home, a respectful attitude towards you, payment of “room and board.” Others?
Ask for group comments. Suggestions would be: do household chores (including yard and car maintenance), keep his area of the home clean.
Discipline, as discussed in previous weeks, is rarely indicated for an adult child. It would be entirely reasonable and acceptable for you to ask him to move out if he refuses to keep your rules or accept any responsibility.
Would you feel guilty if it became necessary to ask your adult child to leave?
Why or why not?
Provision/Protection: If you have chosen to provide a home for your adult child, then it becomes his responsibility to provide some compensation for you. If he works and is not in school full time, he should always pay a reasonable amount of room and board, on a monthly basis. You should not provide free living conditions for an adult child who refuses to work. See Proverbs 6:6-11, Proverbs 10:4-5, and Proverbs 19:15.
Since he may have returned to your home with children of his own, you may need to re-baby-proof your home, as well as make other safety adjustments necessary for small children. Never forget, these children are his primary responsibility. You may help, advise when asked, and be nurturing grandparents, but allow (or require) him to meet his obligations to his own children.
It is desirable, if possible, to provide separate living quarters, and possibly a separate entrance, within your home for his use. You need, and have a right to your privacy, and so does he. If these type arrangements are available, your relationship with your adult child is likely to be much more pleasant.
Sexual Issues: Your child is a grown adult and will make his own sexual decisions. However, it is reasonable for you to continue to enforce the moral code that you have taught him as long as he lives in your home. You should never allow persons of the opposite sex to spend the night in your home with your child (Deuteronomy 5:18, Hebrews 13:4).
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
Your parent-child relationship has now moved into an adult-adult relationship, even though you remain the parent. We now need to look at God’s guidelines for adultadult relationships. These guidelines have a dual purpose: first, in guiding our daily living, and secondly, in teaching
Personal answers.
Personal answers. The child would likely try to instill guilt, but a godly parent, who has tried in every way to make the living arrangement work, has no grounds for feeling guilt. Feel sorrow, feel pain, feel regret, but no guilt.
our adult child. As previously stated, the most valuable teaching that we can give is the life that we live before our child.
piritual-Awareness
Deuteronomy 5:16
What attitude does God say that we should expect from our children?
Proverbs 27:17
Can you use this verse to understand one of the benefits of such a close living arrangement with our adult children?
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Assign the verses to various group members.
Honor and respect.
1 Timothy 5:4
God lists here a specific responsibility of an adult child to his parents. Can you put this in your own words?
An adult child living in your home can cause stress on both you and your child. But both of you can grow, and learn, and change from this relationship. There will be times for compromise, times for submission, but God can use either as He works to transform us into the image of His Son.
If a parent, or parents, are disabled or needy, an adult child should be willing to contribute whatever support that he has the ability to give. This support could be monetary, or emotional, or practical (caring for their needs).
1 Peter 2:16-17
What are four ways that we are told to live as servants of God in our homes and in the work place?
1 Peter 3:8-9
Living in harmony should be our goal if an adult child has returned home to live. What suggestions does God give to help us accomplish this?
Show proper respect to everyone, love believers, fear God, honor our elected authorities.
1 Peter 5:5
What should be the attitude of any adult children who live in our homes?
Be sympathetic, love, be compassionate and humble, don’t respond to insults with insults, but rather with blessings. Submission, humility.
pplication Allow 20 Minutes
Do you have any resentments over the fact that your adult child has decided to move back home?
If so, could you share some of the reasons why?
What are some practical steps you could take to make this adult child/parent relationship more acceptable and healthy for all concerned?
Personal answers.
There are many possibilities here.
Ask for group suggestions. One of the most helpful steps would be for you to sit down with your adult child before he moves in, and establish boundaries and ground rules that are acceptable to both. It is much easier to iron out difficulties on the front end. Perhaps you could plan a short time (1/2 - 1 hour) per week to talk out any difficulties you may be having, rather than allowing them to build into major problems.
Do you have any feelings of emotional dependence on your child, so that you might encourage his continuing to live with you rather than resuming his independent living at the earliest possible moment?
If so, what steps could you take to deal with these feelings?
What are some of your options if your adult child refuses to work or carry his share of the responsibilities?
Personal answers.
What are your options if he refuses to treat you with respect and honor?
Write a prayer to be used on a daily basis on behalf of your adult child and his special needs.
Closing Prayer
Personal. The first step should always be to confess to God and ask for His help, His guidance.
Aside from encouraging, asking, and demanding, the only real option is to ask him to leave. Be sure there are no emotional or physical illnesses behind his refusal.
Again, your best option is to refuse to allow him to live in your home if he will not treat you with respect.
Personal. Allow time for sharing if anyone desires.
Ask one of the group members to close the session with prayer.
12Session Dealing with Special Circumstances
Introduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
Which one relationship in your life needs your attention the most? What steps can you take to strengthen it?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for His faithfulness in dealing with us. Thank Him for His faithfulness in dealing with our children. Thank Him for His love and mercy. Ask Him for His insight as we study this week’s lesson. Ask Him to fulfill the desires of our hearts, especially as we attempt to be godly parents.
In this section, we will look at four special sets of circumstances which can complicate the task of parenting. We will examine a) the single parent household, b) grandparents raising their grandchildren, c) dealing with a “special needs”, or handicapped child and d) the adopted child.
The Single Parent Household: It is estimated that one third of American families now consist of children living with only one parent. If you are a single parent who must work in addition to raising a family, you undoubtedly have feelings of frustration, helplessness, and even exhaustion. It is important not to deny those feelings but to admit and deal with them.
You may be a single parent because of divorce, because of the death of a spouse, or because you have never married.
Go around the group and give each member a chance to answer. Responses may range from a child, to a parent, to a spouse, to a friend. This question should point out some of the difficulties that we may experience in relationships, especially with our children. The answers may also point out some hope for change, for no relationship is static, and all have possibilities of being strengthened and improved.
Regardless of the reason that you head a single parent household, the principles of godly parenting discussed in previous weeks all continue to apply. There is no basic change in the way you parent your child, only in the support you have in doing it.
It is very important that you seek out support and help as you parent. Grandparents and other relatives can be an invaluable source of help if their own situations permit it. Church attendance is vital. Here you will likely meet and come to know others who are in your same situation. Single parent support groups can give you added strength and confidence in your own abilities, as well as additional ideas of how to make your parenting more effective. For example, if 3 single parents band together, one (alternating) could do the weekly grocery shopping for all three families, leaving the other two additional time to spend quality time with their children. Be inventive. Do whatever it takes to avoid burnout.
When looking for supportive people, don’t forget that your primary source of support and strength is God. Recognize this fact and draw on His support on a daily, even hourly basis. Read Psalm 73:23-26. He has promised that He will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). When you feel especially lonely and overwhelmed by the lack of a husband (or wife), remember that God has called Himself your husband (Isaiah 54:5).
If you work full time, it is obviously necessary that your child be in a baby-sitting or day care situation. Be very careful in selecting places for care. Check references and make unscheduled visits. Make sure that the baby-sitter or day care provider will continue your consistent methods of training and discipline. After work, when you are home together, plan and schedule quality time with her. Do not leave this to chance. It takes a commitment on your part to make it happen.
Try to find appropriate male (or female) role models for her. Possibilities again are grandparents, aunts or uncles, brothers or sisters, coaches, or pastors. She needs exposure to male and female approaches to parenting.
Are you a single parent? Could you share your greatest frustrations and needs with the group and prepare to receive their suggestions and feedback?
Grandparents Raising Their Grandchildren: It is estimated that 3 million children in America in the mid 1990’s are being raised by their grandparents. Never underestimate the influence that godly grandparents can have on the lives of their grandchildren. See 2 Timothy 1:5.
Personal answers. Encourage participation of all single parents present. Possible frustrations: not enough time, necessity of working and not being able to spend the desired amount of time with the child, difficulty of solving problems alone without a spouse’s input and help, loneliness.
If you are a grandparent who now finds yourself responsible for raising a grandchild (or grandchildren), you are likely feeling frustrated, and possibly resentful. You have completed the task of raising your own children and were looking forward to rest, retirement, or pursuing your own interests and activities. In addition to dealing with your grandchildren, you likely have great sorrow over your own son or daughter who is emotionally or physically unable to care for a child. Do not allow these feelings of resentment or frustration or sorrow to overwhelm you. A Grandparents Support Group can be very helpful. You have much wisdom to share with your grandchild who now is completely dependent on you. See Job 12:12 and Job 32:7.
Plan time for yourself. Plan extra periods of rest, even if you have to use a baby-sitter to accomplish this. Plan activities with people your own age. Recognize that your strength is not what it was in your 20’s and 30’s. Also, recognize the source of your strength. Read Psalm 73:26, Isaiah 35:3, and Isaiah 40:29-31.
Spend much time in prayer seeking wisdom and guidance and strength to meet your responsibilities. Read Psalm 55:22.
Read Isaiah 46: 3-4. “Listen to me, (insert your name here), you whom I have upheld.........” Print this verse on an index card and read it aloud each day.
The principles of godly parenting remain the same. Consistent discipline and training and extra efforts at communication will have a tremendous positive influence in your grandchild’s life.
Are you a grandparent who is now responsible for raising your grandchild? Could you share your greatest frustrations and needs with the group and prepare to receive their suggestions and feedback?
If there is time, ask one group member to read the Isaiah 46 passage out loud, using his/her own name.
Dealing With A “Special Needs” Child: In spite of recent great advances in medical knowledge, it is an unfortunate fact that we still deal with children with physical, mental, and/or emotional handicaps. If you are a parent dealing with a handicapped child, there are times you will feel overwhelmed and completely inadequate for the task. It is important not to deny your feelings, but to admit and plan to deal constructively with them. You also need to realize that God
If grandparents are present in the group, give each a chance to respond. Encourage feedback. Possible frustrations would be tiredness, feeling out of touch with their grandchildren’s generation, sorrow over their own child who is unable to assume his/her parenting duties. If there are no grandparents present who are raising their grandchildren, you might ask for questions and comments about the material presented from the rest of the group. Some of them may someday be raising their own grandchildren.
will place no burden on you that He will not also give you the means to carry. See 1 Corinthians 10:13 and Psalm 55:22. Don’t underestimate your capabilities, with His help and in His strength, to deal with difficult situations. Support groups for parents with children with similar needs can be invaluable.
Teach your handicapped child that her value does not depend on her physical or mental abilities, but rather on the fact that she was created by God and is greatly loved by Him. Teach her that she is His (and your) special treasure (2 Corinthians 4:7). Teach her to like herself. Teach her that even if others treat her with disrespect or condescension, she is worthy of respect and love. Read the story of Mephibosheth in 2 Samuel 4:4 and 9:3-13.
Don’t neglect to set boundaries and enforce discipline for your “special needs” child. You may need to adjust the type of discipline you use, or set different boundaries, but do not ignore these two indispensable aspects of parenting. They are absolutely necessary to help her grow into responsible adulthood.
If you find yourself fearing for your child, for her future, can you learn to entrust her life, her well-being, her happiness, into God’s loving care? Read Isaiah 42:3. If you find yourself lacking the strength you need, learn to draw from your Source of strength and power. Read Habakkuk 3:17-19, Psalm 18:32-33, and Psalm 119:28.
Don’t neglect your other children as you spend the extra time necessary to care for your child with special needs. It is a good idea to involve them in her care as much as possible. This will help to reinforce to them that they are also greatly loved and a vital part of your family.
Are you a parent responsible for a “special needs” child? Could you share your greatest frustrations, fears, or needs with the group and prepare to receive their suggestions and feedback?
The Adopted Child: Many couples have chosen to adopt children, either because they are childless or simply because they want to provide a home for an otherwise “difficult to place” child. The principles of parenting remain the same if you are dealing with an adopted child. It is generally suggested that you tell your child that she has been adopted somewhere between the ages of 2-5 years. Explain to her that she has been especially chosen, that you chose her out of all the other
Encourage responses from any parent of a handicapped child. Possible answers would be a sense of being overwhelmed, feeling that they neglect their other children, not enough hours in the day. Encourage feedback. If there are no parents of special needs children in your group, ask for group members to share their own feelings or discomfort in dealing with handicapped children.
possibilities, to be your child. If she inadvertently learns that she has been adopted in her school years, or adolescent years, she may become resentful or even devastated.
Are you the parent of one or more adopted children? In your own words, explain how you would share your love with your child as you inform her that she has been adopted. Can Deuteronomy 7:6, Psalm 135:4 and Ephesians 1:4 help you?
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
God wants each of us to be very aware that we are not alone, that He will never leave us or forsake us, that His Holy Spirit is our Comforter and Guide and Counselor. If we are parents dealing with special and difficult circumstances, or if we are parents dealing with more typical circumstances, we must be aware of the Source of our strength and insight.
Who is your strength? Who is your refuge? Who is your shield against evil as well as against discouragement?
God answers each of these questions for us in His Word. We only need to search out the answers and trust and believe in His promises. S
piritual-Awareness
It is vital for parents who are dealing with special circumstances, either these discussed here or countless others, to realize that you are not alone. When Jesus was ready to leave His earthly disciples, He promised that a Comforter, a Guide into all truth, a Counselor, would come. We sometimes fail to realize the power and the strength and the refuge, that is available in the Holy Spirit. You and the Holy Spirit make an incredible partnership for parenting. Allow Him to be involved.
Encourage responses. The Scriptures could make you aware that just as we are God’s treasured possession, and that He chose us, so your chosen child is a most treasured possession. You could share this with your child.
Deuteronomy 33:26-27
How can these verses help and be a comfort to you?
If you have group members who have never trusted in the Lord, who have never accepted His promises for themselves, this is a good time to encourage them to do so. Be prepared to pray after the class with anyone who indicates such a need.
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Assign the following verses to various group members.
His everlasting arms are always underneath me. There is a limit to how far I can fall.
Psalm 9:9
When we are oppressed and depressed and generally overwhelmed, God promises us that He is our refuge and our stronghold.
Psalm 18:30-33
Who is the source of your strength?
State in your own words what it means to have the feet of a deer
Isaiah 4:6
What are 4 words used here to describe the ways that God helps us in our difficult places?
What circumstances in your life could qualify as heat of the day, and the storm and the rain
Isaiah 58:11
What are four promises that God gives here, that you might be able to use in dealing with your own circumstances?
God is.
Nahum 1:7
Who does God care for, protect, and shield?
Ephesians 3:16
Where does my strength come from?
How does He strengthen me?
He keeps me from stumbling on the rocks and hard places. I become more secure and sure-footed.
Shelter, shade, refuge, hiding place.
Personal answers. Many troubles, pressures, needs could be expressed here. He will guide us always, He will satisfy our needs (even in the dry places), He will strengthen our bodies, we will be as well-watered gardens (fruitful, beautiful, fresh).
Those who trust in Him.
Out of His glorious riches. There is a never-ending supply.
Through His Spirit whom He has placed within me.
pplication Allow 20 Minutes
Do you experience feelings of anger at God for allowing any of these special circumstances in your life?
Personal answers. Encourage other group members to share what they think they would feel if any of these circumstances were in their lives.
How can you plan to deal constructively with this anger?
List some practical ways you can plan to deal with the exhaustion, and the overwhelming frustrations of being a single parent, or a grandparent raising your grandchildren?
Pray about it, confess it, and commit it to God. Ask for His help in dealing with the anger. Talk about it, share with a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor, use the emotional energy generated by the anger to accomplish some good.
Enlist help from others in similar situations. If five parents, or grandparents would join together each could keep all of the children one day a week, freeing the other four days for rest or other activities. Plan times of rest; these must be planned for, otherwise, they never occur. Join a support group where you can express your frustrations and needs, and receive helpful feedback.
How can you plan to deal with feelings of guilt because you, as a single parent, cannot be at home with your child during the day?
List some practical ways that a parent, in any of the four circumstances discussed, might build a vital and effective support system?
Many possible answers here. Always set aside some period or quality time to spend with your child each day. When you are with him/her, spend time touching and holding your child. Love and care can be communicated in other ways than by time. Confess feelings of guilt to God and ask Him to deal with them.
Would disciplining a “special needs” child be difficult for you? Why or why not?
Through church attendance, neighborhood get-togethers, community support systems. Develop godly relationships, but avoid becoming overly dependent or having another person become overly dependent on you.
Personal answers. Special needs children need discipline and boundaries as much as children without handicaps. Remember, love without discipline is not love. You might want to adjust your technique, but discipline is still necessary.
Write a prayer expressing to God your complete dependence on Him in whatever circumstance you find yourself. Commit to His loving care the child He has given you to parent.
Personal. Allow time for 1–2 to share if they would like.
Closing Prayer
Thank God for each person who shared. Pray for any needs, frustrations, struggles expressed. Pray that He would reveal Himself as strength, as a refuge, as a shield, in each group member’s life. Thank Him for all that He has given us when He gave us Himself and when He gave us His Son.
13Session Review
Introduction
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
How do you want your children to remember you?
Allow 10 Minutes
Thank God for each member of the group who has attended these past 12 weeks. Ask Him to use this review session to consolidate and make clear the truths you have learned. Ask Him for His wisdom, His input, His guidance. Thank Him for His presence in each believer and in your group.
As each member of the group takes a turn answering this question, it should become clear which attributes are desired and needed to become godly parents.
Self-Awareness
You are God’s child and He loves you with an infinite and unconditional love. He has disciplined you and taught you and encouraged you and He has asked that you pass these attributes on to your children. As He has loved you, so should you love them. See John 13:34 and John 15:12. As He comforts you, so should you allow His comfort to flow through you to them. See 2 Corinthians 1:3-7.
Express in your own words what it means to you that you are God’s child?
Has your concept of yourself as His child changed since you began this study? In what way?
Has this concept been helpful to you as you parent your own children? In what way?
1. The key to parenting a Young Child (0-5) is consistency The value of consistency in discipline, consistency in training, and consistency in loving, cannot be overestimated.
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Personal answers.
Personal answers.
Personal answers.
What difficulties have you had in establishing consistency as a priority in your parenting?
Can you make some practical suggestions as to how you could overcome these difficulties?
2. The key to parenting a School Age Child (5-10) is encouragement. Encouragement means to give courage, courage to live, courage to relate, courage to succeed. Encouragement teaches your child to like himself and to believe in his own abilities.
How has God encouraged you in your life?
Can you use this understanding to encourage your child? Give specific examples.
3. The key to parenting an Adolescent is communication.
Are you having difficulty communicating with your teen-age child?
Are there any practical steps you could take to make communication easier and more satisfying to both of you?
Why do you think adolescence is such a difficult age?
Are there practical steps you could take to help your teenager through this time?
4. The keys to parenting an Adult Child are tolerance (with boundaries) and respect. Recognize that he is an adult responsible for making his own choices. Advise and help, when you are asked. Love him unconditionally, as God has loved you.
Why are tolerance and respect of your adult child often difficult?
Personal.
Parents might make a commitment to each other to establish consistency in the relationship with their children and be accountable to each other. You might need to decrease some of your outside interests in order to more consistently deal with your children.
Personal answers.
Personal answers.
Personal response.
Be willing to spend more time, be willing to listen more.
It is the transition age, not a child, but not yet an adult.
Encourage answers from the group.
Many have adopted habits, clothes, attitudes and lifestyles that we have difficulty understanding and accepting.
Recall how God has dealt with you and your failures and your mistakes, both intentional and unintentional.
Can you use this tolerance and forgiveness and love that He has given you as you parent your adult child?
Spiritual Awareness Lead–In
We have spent the past 12 weeks looking at God’s principles of parenting at each stage of growth. In our final week together, we want to look at our families through His eyes. How important does God consider the family unit to be?
Encourage responses from several people. Hopefully, as we realize how mercifully God has dealt with us, we will be able to deal in a similar fashion with our children.
From Genesis 1 we learn that the family was the pinnacle of His creation. He created male and female for each other and gave them the explicit command to multiply.
Spiritual-Awareness
We want to search the Scriptures, to search God’s heart and to let Him speak to us about the importance and value of family. As we read, keep in mind that some of the verses refer to individual families and some to the family of God, to which all believers belong.
I Samuel 1:21
Is worship an individual or a family exercise?
Proverbs 11:29
When a child or another family member is in trouble who bears the disgrace?
Isaiah 22:22-24
What is meant by “the house of David?”
When a child or another family member receives honor or praise who receives the blessing?
Mark 5:18-19
To whom is our first responsibility?
Acts 16:31-34
What was the first result of the jailer’s conversion?
Allow 20-25 Minutes
Assign each verse to a group member.
Both. It is very important to worship God with our families.
The family as a whole. A godly family will function as one unit but having individual parts.
David’s family, his children and their families, then their children, etc.
The entire family. They are one unit.
To our family. Our entire family’s first responsibility is to God.
His entire family believed and was baptized. They were filled with joy. They responded as one unit.
Galatians 6:10
How does God look at all Christians on earth today?
Hebrews 2:11
Who makes men holy?
Who is being made holy?
If we are of the same family, then what is our relationship to Him, and to each other.
Application
Which of the aspects of parenting that we have discussed during the past 12 weeks do you think will be the most difficult for you to implement?
What practical steps can you take to overcome these difficulties?
Which age child has been the most difficult for you to parent? Why?
Are there practical steps you can take to ease these difficulties?
Will dealing with multiple children complicate the task of parenting for you? Why or why not?
Do the principles of godly parenting remain the same, whether your family consists of one or many children?
Which Scriptures have been particularly helpful to you?
Have you changed any of your attitudes towards parenting as a result of them? In what way?
Write a prayer to God expressing your needs, your desires and your goals as you parent. Express to Him what it means for you to be His child. Commit your child (or children) completely into His care.
As members of the family of believers. Jesus. We are.
We are brothers and sisters.
Allow 20 Minutes
Personal answers.
The answers will depend on the aspects shared.
Personal answers.
Personal answers.
Personal answers. Yes.
Take time for individual responses. Proverbs 22:6 is often named.
Personal answers.
Ask someone to share what he/she has written. If no one volunteers, be prepared to share a prayer you have written expressing these things.
Closing Prayer
SUMMARY STATEMENT
God is your Father. He is your Parent. He has loved you with a magnificent love, disciplined you with great mercy and tenderness, trained and taught you out of His infinite wisdom. He has encouraged you and communicated with you on an ongoing, never ceasing basis, through His Word. His dealings with you have been loving, merciful, forgiving, gracious, and consistent.
Spend much time in His presence. Be saturated in His love. Be guided by His Spirit of Truth. Be filled with His Spirit of Wisdom. Then, as He has parented you, reach out to the ones He has committed to your care. Be a godly parent after His own Heart!
You can close the sessions by reminding the participants that our children do not really belong to us. They are His. We are to love them and to guide them and to guard them as His most treasured possessions.
Ask someone to read the Summary Statement below out loud.
Thank God for His presence during these past weeks. Thank Him for the principles we have learned. Ask Him to guide us as we love, lead, and guide His most treasured possessions, our children.
Parents’ Self-Test
Take this quick self-test to evaluate your strengths and weaknesses as your family’s value teacher. Pay attention to the “nevers” — those areas might need some attention. often sometimes never
Friendships
I invite my child’s friends to our house and to family activities.
I try to steer my child toward positive friendships.
Faith
We attend church and participate in selected activities regularly.
We spend time together in family devotions.
I pray with each of my children individually.
Family
When priorities conflict, I make it a point to put my family first.
I am quick to seize teachable moments to talk with my child about our family’s convictions.
I tell my children ahead of time about the different experiences they are likely to have beyond our home.
My children see my spouse and me express affection for one another.
When I do or say something that conflicts with what I teach my children, I apologize to them.
My children come to me with questions about their encounters with “the world.”
Fun
Our family prefers group activities to watching TV.
I screen activities, clubs and TV programs before my child participates in or watches them.
If I discover after the fact that my children have watched a questionable movie at a friend’s house, I discuss the movie and its values with them.
Reprinted by permission from Christian Parenting Today, January/February 1995 edition, 7125 Disc Drive, Colorado Springs, CO 80918.
Resources
Related Reading
Dobson, Dr. James C. The New Dare To Discipline. Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. 1992.
Dobson, Dr. James C. Parenting Isn’t For Cowards. Dallas: Word Publishing, Inc. 1987.
Dobson, Dr. James C. The Strong-Willed Child. Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. 1978.
Harris, Janis Long. What Good Parents Have In Common. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994.
Hulme, Lucy and William. Nine Challenges for Parents. Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress, 1993.
Kageler, Len. Teen Shaping. Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1990.
Meier, Paul. Child-Rearing and Personality Development. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1993.
Sears, William, M.D. and Martha. The New Baby Planner. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1994.
Sears, William, M.D. and Martha. Parenting and Child Care. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993.
Excellent Magazines for Ongoing Advice and Help
Christian Parenting Today, Good Family Magazines, 7125 Disc Drive, Colorado Springs, CO 80918.
Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 35500. Colorado Springs, CO 80935.
b. Psychological and physiological effects of abusive use
1. Insomnia
2. Loss of appetite
3. Dry mouth
4. Vomiting
5. Diarrhea
6. Nausea
7. Inhibitions released
8. Blurred vision
9. Aggressiveness
10. Hallucinations and confusion
2. DEPRESSANTS: Barbiturates, Downers: These drugs are used in medicine to relax and induce sleep in the patient. They are commonly called sleeping pills.
a. Specific drugs
1. Seconal (red, red devils, pinkies, pink ladies, etc.)
2. Nembutal (yellows, yellow jackets, etc.)
3. Tuinal (rainbows, double trouble, etc.)
4. Amytal (blues, blue heavens, etc.)
b. Psychological and physiological effects of abusive use
1. Drowsy confusion and an inability to think clearly
2. Lack of coordination
3. Lethargic speech
4. Defective judgment
5. Tremors
6. Involuntary movement of the eyes
7. Hostility
8. More deaths are caused by overdoses of barbiturates than any other drug—often occurring accidentally.
3. HALLUCINOGENS: These drugs are capable of provoking changes in sensation, thinking, selfawareness, and emotion.
a. Specific drug
1. Lysergic acid diethylamide tartrate (LSD-25, LSD, acid, Vitamin A, etc.
1. Bizarre psychic experiences with heightened sensitivity to color and other stimuli.
2. Psychotic illness occasionally occurs.
3. Chromosomal breakage may develop.
4. The psychic phenomena occasionally recur weeks after the last dosage is taken.
5. Alterations in time and space perception occur.
6. Illusions and hallucinations are experienced.
4. MARIJUANA: (Grass, pot, joint, weed, etc.) Marijuana is usually rolled into cigarettes. When smoked, the initial effect is that of a stimulant. However, continued usage will produce drowsiness and unconsciousness. Thus, marijuana is technically classified as a sedative.
a. Psychological and physiological effects
1. Pupils of the eye become dilated; the white part becomes bloodshot.
2. A loss of time and space orientation
3. Muscle tremors
4. Accelerated pulse and heartbeat
5. Apparent dizziness
6. Odd behavior
7. Loss of inhibitions
8. Delusions
9. User becomes “psychologically dependent” on marijuana.
5. NARCOTICS: These drugs relieve pain and induce sleep.
a. Specific drug
1. Heroin (horse, H, Harry, smack, brown, etc.) Heroin is an opiate. It is processed from morphine but it is much stronger. The tolerance for this drug builds up faster than any other opiate and it is therefore more dangerous. Heroin is the most devastating and enslaving drug in existence. It is not even used medically in America.
b. Psychological and physiological effects
1. Heroin is a cerebral, spinal, and respiratory depressant.
2. The initial reaction is one of euphoria and comfort. This feeling disappears quickly, requiring a larger dose on the next occasion.
3. Immediately after injecting heroin, the user becomes drowsy. This is called “going on the nod” or “nodding.”
4. Pupils of the eyes contract tightly.
40 Things To Do Together With Your Child That Don’t Cost Much
(or any) Money
• Play Hide-and-Seek.
• Blow bubbles (make solution with dish detergent and water; use bent coat hanger for bubble-maker).
• Teach your child to cook (something simple to begin with, like eggs, and something more complicated later).
• Plan a meal menu for the week; let every family member choose a favorite dish; be sure the menu is balanced and nutritious.
• Have a picnic.
• Have a family camp-out in the back yard under the stars; try counting stars or looking for shooting stars or constellations.
• See how long it takes you to find license plates from all 50 states, Canada and Mexico, as you drive the highways and go about your errands. Keep a list going in the car.
• Go fishing.
• Read a book together; first you read a page (or a sentence) then your child reads one.
• Work on a puzzle.
• Finger paint (Don’t have paint or paper? Use fruit flavored yogurt on a cookie sheet, and lick your fingers afterward!).
• Go into the yard and hunt for bugs...or rocks; how many different kinds can you find?
• Feed the birds.
• Plant a garden of flowers or vegetables (either in the yard or in a flower pot); water, weed, and watch it grow.
• Do a “science” experiment. Try planting seeds and expose them to different degrees of light and heat. Watch and see which ones grow best.
• Walk the dog. Talk about that happened in both of your days while you walk.
• Sit by a fire and sing songs. Don’t know any? Sing you favorite hymns from church, or make up new words to old melodies. Parents teach your children a song from your childhood. Kids teach your parents a song you learned in school.
• Make up hand motions to go along with the songs you sing.
• Bake cookies.
• Hold your child in your lap and rock in a rocking chair while you watch the sunset together.
• Say evening prayers together. Make up your own prayer.
• Cut flowers from your garden, or take the cookies you baked, and deliver them to the elderly who live in convalescent homes and have no one to visit them (call ahead to plan your visit).
40 Things To Do Together With Your Child That Don’t Cost Much (or any) Money (continued)
• Watch a little league game together...or a soccer game; they are free and fun!! Cheer for the home team.
• Have a theme dress-up day (Tomorrow we all wear something purple; or we all wear a tee shirt, etc.). Decide as a family what you will do.
• Have a family or neighborhood ball game. Relax the “rules” so everybody can play. Don’t keep score, so everybody “wins.”
• Make lemonade “from scratch” (squeeze the lemons and add water and sweetener). Or make fresh orange juice.
• Look at old family pictures together. Share memories of the people and events in the pictures.
• Discuss world or community events. Let everyone share their ideas and feelings without criticism.
• Write “family” letters to friends or family who live far away. Every person write their own paragraph telling their own “news.” Don’t worry about spelling or grammar.
• Sit together every night during dinner or after dinner to talk about the family events of the day. Have each person share the best and the worst happening of the day and explain why they perceived the event that way, and how the event(s) made them feel. (No TV during this time!)
• Have a scavenger hunt.
• Make hand puppets with crayons and plain brown lunch bags. Have a puppet show.
• Learn to sew, or quilt, or knit, or crochet.
• Go to the library together. Get a library card; check out a book
• Look up at the clouds and find “pictures” in them.
• Make a paper chain to mark the days or weeks leading up to an important event (such as a birthday, wedding or special holiday). Every day/week have family members take turns tearing off a link.
• Study nature. Look for wildflowers, search for migrating bald eagles, learn to identify trees by their bark and leaves. Keep a chart of the daily temperature and rainfall for a month/season/year.
• Teach your child to give him/herself a manicure.
• Play a board game or card game with your child.
• Learn about holiday (or everyday) customs which were followed in whatever country or culture where your family originated. Decide if you would like to keep one or more of theses customs in your family as a way of preserving your own cultural heritage.
Thanks to Susan Speraw, Ph.D. Division of Behavioral Pediatrics, T.C. Thompson Children’s Hospital, Chattanooga, TN
